THE ED MYLETT SHOW - MATTHEW HUSSEY: LIVE A LIFE YOU LOVE

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Build a life you LOVE, grounded in self-appreciation and personal fulfillment! To navigate these waters, I've enlisted the help of Matthew Hussey, a renowned love coach, New York Times bestselling author who is celebrated by millions worldwide through his impactful videos and seminars. Forget the search for external validation; today, we're focusing on the internal journey. This episode is your guide to embracing the beauty of your existence, nurturing a loving relationship with yourself, and cultivating a life filled with joy and satisfaction. If you've ever felt like you're searching for love in all the wrong places, you're in the right spot! In this episode, you’ll learn: The concept of RELATIONAL INTELLIGENCE and its critical role in all areas of your life. The journey to a healthier relationship with the most important person in your life: YOU. Practical strategies to shift your behavior and mindset towards a more fulfilling love life. Embracing contentment and finding happiness in what you already have. Viewing life through the lens of a VICTORY LAP, celebrating every moment. Understanding the layers of CONFIDENCE: Surface, Identity, and Core. A fresh take on SELF LOVE and its significance in how we connect with others. The crucial difference between liking and loving yourself, and why it matters. Handling life's inevitable disappointments with resilience and hope. The foundation of all external relationships begins with the one we have with ourselves. Our ability to adapt and grow not only enhances our personal happiness but also enriches our connections with those around us. Join us for an enlightening conversation that promises to change how you approach life, love and relationships Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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really best people in all of the personal development thought leaders space. I love him He's brilliant. He works very hard at his craft But he has a kindness off-camera That will be reflected on camera today when you listen to him I just want you to know the person you're gonna listen to today is the same person on camera that he is off-camera And I'm a big believer in him I believe he's one of the future people of this industry that are gonna dominate it.

He already is. He's got a new book out right now called Love Life that I read cover to cover in a day and a half. And I loved it. And I cannot wait to share this man's wisdom with you here today. So Matthew Hussie, welcome back to the show, brother. Yeah.

I don't know how to respond to that intro. I appreciate it so much Ed. I love spending time with you and Some of my favorite moments are where we get to hang me too, brother I I love you and I just wish we had more of those moments So here we go. It's interesting. I'm proud of your evolution I'm watching you evolve and by the way, you didn't need to but just like most people that are growers you've evolved And so I always used to think this is the guy that's known on the planet earth

It's probably the preeminent dating expert there is But now you've evolved to where you're really an aren't just a relationship because this book is really about Relationships more than it is anything else, but what struck me about you I said this off camera in the beginning of the book You kind of admit in the beginning of the book that even though you were like this dating expert You were probably not a very good guy to date. And so why don't we start right there?

I just think that's an awesome place to start. So they see some of your vulnerability too. I think this book is about relational intelligence. That's the phrase I keep using because it can be applied to all relationships and we're all in relationships. I actually think we're all in three different relationships for life. We're in relationships with other people, romantic or otherwise. If you have a terrible relationship with a parent or a brother or a best friend or someone

at work, that can ruin your life. So we're all in relationship with other people. We're also in a relationship with life. And that relationship and how good your relationship is with that is going to determine how happy you are and you're in a relationship with yourself. So those are three relationships you can't get out of. No matter what. And how we manage those relationships is going to be the quality of our life.

I suppose I started the book from a place of wanting to take myself off of any kind of pedestal that anyone could have put me along the way. Mission accomplished, you did. No, you did. Well, you know, for 15 years, I've been working with people and, you know, for so much of that in their love lives, although, you know, I have a retreat every year that is much broader than people's love lives but I became known for that and I really It was it was a difficult actually reading comments along the way about what an amazing person

I would be to date and you know He must be the perfect person to date because he knows all this stuff. And it was a very used to make me more insecure because I think these people don't know. They don't know that, you know, I have a making mistakes. I am hurting people. I am hurting myself. I have not figured all of this out. I'm, you know, there were pieces of it that I felt very confident talking about. But I also was figuring my own stuff out.

You know, one of the big themes of this book is, are we chasing the right things in love and in life? And if you chase the wrong things, I remember my now wife, I started writing this book from a really, really tough place. I was heartbroken. And by the time I was doing the final edit of this book, I was doing it on my honeymoon. So I was heartbroken. And by the time I was doing the final edit of this book, I was doing on my honeymoon. So it was really crazy. By the way, it was a nice long honeymoon you had to go ahead. Oh my God.

It was the best. Really, really good. But it, but you know, I, I, I realized that I was chasing a lot of the wrong things for a long time. And that was continuously leading me to pain. And there were blind spots I had about things that I hadn't worked on in myself, things I hadn't healed in myself that,

you know, were showing up as pain, but not awareness. I didn't know what was going on. I just knew something's not, something's off with me in the way that I'm going after things or the way that I'm falling in love or the way that I'm falling in love or the way that I'm dating that's leading me to pain. And so what became really, really interesting to me, not just for other people, but for myself was what are the deeper patterns that are happening with me that keep leading me

into either pain for myself, pain for other people, or frankly, some form of kind of chaos in my life that I then have to put back together. Yeah. What did you uncover about you? So you, because this, the most fascinating topic of the three relationships to me is the relationship with yourself. To me, the three that you listed, because I, I'm constantly evaluating that with myself, even at 52 years old.

What did you, what did you figure out about yourself that was going on in the relationship with you? I, there's a, there's a chapter in the book called Never Satisfied. And I really love this chapter because I think it speaks to so many of us. And there was always a line in Hamilton where he's speaking to one of the Shireless sisters

and he says, you're like me, you're never satisfied. And she says, is that right? And he says, I've never been satisfied. And I remember what kind of identifying with that and thinking, something's always, I'm never really at peace. I'm always chasing after something that is exciting and causes me chaos or stress or hurt, you know, or breaks my heart, or I'm with someone who doesn't excite

me or with someone who doesn't excite me or with someone who doesn't make me feel the things that I wanna feel that clearly adores me. And if I could just make myself feel more, I would be so happy, but I can't seem to make myself feel more in this situation. And I would observe patterns like that in my life. And I think there's a very common one

that so many people fall into and they go, what is going on? I can't ever seem to find the sweet spot. And so that was a key pattern. I think I dated like an addict. I think I was a kind of like chasing highs and the excitement of dating and the excitement of, you know, of romance or intimacy or...

And, you know, even after you realize it's not working, you still have... You can realize something's not good for you or good for other people, but you don't necessarily have the tools to change the behavior. You're right. Right? So it took me time to understand, oh, there's a kind of... You know, I have to find a way to rewire my brain to want different things. You're on to something I'm obsessed with right now,

which is that our space, whatever we wanna call it, we have different, you know, seats in the space of personal development or self-help or thought leader influence, whatever you wanna call it, right? You're obviously one of the biggest ones. And, but one of them is, we're always growing and changing and evolving.

But I wonder like, where's the space where like, what you have is enough and okay? Do you know what I mean? Like, I find myself like, it's almost like, I'm violating a rule if I just really enjoy what I have and I don't want more. I don't want the next thing. So there's like this chase for the next level,

the chase for how many books you can sell, how many falls you can get, the chase for how much money you can have, the chase for the next house, in your case, the chase for the next date, the excitement of the new. And can I be equally happy and excited with the familiar? Because we're constantly taught in this space to kind of move away from where we are, theoretically.

Does that make sense when I'm asking you of course and and and by the way if you apply a Classically kind of optimization mindset to dating you never Choose anyone true because you constantly You're looking for what's wrong and how could I optimize to get you know? Well, this person has 90% of what I want, but they're still missing this one thing. And maybe I could get someone who's 92% of what I want and so on. And you can go through life like that.

And I, I, and then by the way, when you're that person and you label it like, well, it's a kind of Taipei thing. I'm, I never want to settle. I'm not going to settle for something that's not amazing, but the relationships require you at some point not to settle for something, but to settle on something. And there's a big difference between those two things. Cause when you, when you settle for something,

it's like telling yourself, I got shortchanged somehow and no one wants to be shortchanged. No one wants to get the worst end of the bargain. But if you settle on something, it's a resolution that I'm gonna make this as incredible as it can possibly be. And that's the thing that's gonna make it special. But I see, so for me, it was a huge mindset shift.

And I think that never making that mindset shift makes a lot of people incredibly unhappy because nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect. If Audrey, my wife, was looking for perfect, she would have been really disappointed from day one. So it's... But what you're speaking about there is something I am endlessly... I think about all the time because... And I even wrote a chapter of the book called Happy Enough. And the reason I wrote that is because, and by the way,

me six years ago, seven years ago, maybe even five years ago, I would have hated that as a chapter name. Right. I would have been like, that is such a... Yes. There's such a cop out, such a like settling by another name. Yes. Happy Enough has become like my favorite phrase in the world.

I love that. Because it's from, happy enough is not a bad place to be. Happy enough is saying, I'm happy enough with where I am that I really feel like I can go and take big risks. I can go and take big swings in any part of my life because my life already is enough.

So if this doesn't pan out, this doesn't happen, what I already have is enough for me. And it's, you know, we're so focused, especially in the self-development world, there's a lot of focus on like, you can't stay here, it's too bad, I'm gonna win because I have to and because of and and actually there's a real power in saying if nothing changed, I'd still be okay.

I love that. And therefore I can go and take a big swing because I already have enough. And the opposite to that, by the way, are the people that I see that are the least happy in the world and that's not the happy enough crowd. That's the never enough crowd. You're right. And the never enough crowd, that's a dangerous place to be. And I see it, you and I see it all the time because we, you know, it's natural when you're

in circles of ambitious people and people who are trying to make things happen in their life, it's hard to step out of the gear of making things happen all the time and say, well, at what point do I find contentment where I am? It's a very difficult thing to negotiate. What we're doing right now, what we're doing right now is one of the most important conversations that needs to take place on a bigger and broader scale the next five to eight years in our world and our culture.

I, all the time, I'm obsessed with it. You and I have our friends that we're all going for, you've got a new book out and we want this book to do well. But it's totally different that when I get there, I'll be happier then instead of saying, I'm okay if it doesn't. Things are great right now. There's this great clip that I've watched

about 3,000 times of Jim Carrey on Instagram. I don't think you've seen this clip, but he says, he's in an interview. I'm paraphrasing, I'll probably mess it up, but it's how it affected me. He says, I'm gonna say something you probably never heard an actor say in your life. And the guy goes, what?

He goes, I've had enough. I've made enough movies. I've got enough awards. I've got enough attention. I've got enough money. I have enough. And it's okay. And he goes, you know what?

I wanna paint now. I wanna spend some time. And he goes, these other what? I wanna paint now. I wanna spend some time. And he goes, these other things. And I just, even when he said it, I breathed like, like, he almost gave me permission to feel that way. And at the same time, maybe he will eventually go make another movie, but not because he thinks he has to for the next chase.

You know, it'll be coming from the right place of intention. And I'm sure that that spoke to you as it does to me because it speaks to some kind of truth in us that wants to get out and wants to be acknowledged. And we do breathe this sigh of relief when someone comes along and says that. we do breathe this sigh of relief when someone comes along and says that. And look, it's, let me tell you something, Ed. When I was writing this book, I had very different phases writing this book.

There was the panic phase of, oh, I'm behind. I'm behind, I'm in trouble, I'm not gonna make deadline. And then when I realized I was behind, I went back to, I went to England for a month and I was living at my mom's house with Audrey, my wife. And this was before we were married, actually. And I was there for a month and every morning I'd wake up and if you're doing a lot of business with America,

the UK time zone's quite nice because you get like five to eight hours before anyone is even awake and bothers you. So in those hours, I just sat and I wrote without anyone distracting me. I put my phone away. I literally put my phone in a drawer. I didn't touch it from the moment I woke up

till about one PM in the afternoon. And I would just sit in this room and write and grab a coffee and go back and write some more. And I started to find myself over the course of this month become happier and happier and happier. And I felt so calm. And I really, it was like almost, it became an emotional thing for me.

I was like, oh my God, I feel like I've been released from some kind of tension and treadmill and writing itself for me at least, and everyone has some activity like this. When I lose myself in it, it becomes a kind of meditation. And then at the end of an hour or two or three, I get this kind of euphoria and this calm of feeling connected again, and feeling like I've somehow lost myself

in the richness of life and what really matters. And in that moment, I can tell you, I don't care what I'm achieving. I don't care what is happening in my business. I don't care. All I cared about was I feel like I just did something really meaningful for the last two hours. I love it.

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That's netsuite.com slash my let to get your own KPI checklist. Netsuite.com slash my let to get your own KPI checklist net suite.com slash my let Now let me tell you about where I am right now The book got written Everyone's really happy with it. I'm really excited about it. I'm extremely proud of it. The publishers are happy And then of course as you know as well as anyone everyone says right time to get out there you're on the deal Yeah, and it has sort of screwed up my arm and

It has put me back, you know, I'm now having to negotiate this Tension between and I'm an introvert too So for me my phone blowing up with messages all the time and connecting with people and talking to people about doing their podcasts and this, that and the other. It's not my natural state. Some people are like that. They're just like, that's not my natural state where I'm happy. But I'm in it and it feels like a much more anxious and frenetic state and pace. And it's all about numbers and how many books you sell

and wanting to hit the New York Times list and all of the stuff that we all get told during that phase that is important to do. And I found myself in a moment just like suddenly this, I kept telling myself when this book gets written, it's gonna be such a joyful thing. Cause I'm so proud of it. It's going to be so joyful to go out and talk about this thing

because I'm truly, truly, it's one of the pieces of work I'm most proud of in my life. And I know it's going to help people. And I lost touch for a moment in the last few weeks because I- Good. I started to feel like I'm, you know, God, I'm in this anxious kind of like now I'm wanting it to do well.

And all of a sudden I'm in that phase of it. And someone said to me, Matt, someone who's been with me through the whole process, said to me, you've worked so hard on this and you've put so much of your energy and your soul and your heart into it. This is a victory lap. You should be enjoying this part. This is a victory lap You should be enjoying this part. This is a victory lap You're gonna get to go and talk about this thing that you really care about and I'm saying this I guess you're the you're the first podcast I'm recording of like a bunch of different things. I'm gonna be doing and TV and press and all of that And I guess maybe I'm voicing it out loud because I want to set the intention I do I want you to have it. I just want to enjoy this. And I don't want to lose so much of the message of this book is about being connected.

And it's really easy. You know, we we we shield ourselves. And this is the reality. Life doesn't allow you the perfect setup for you to feel calm and happy. It doesn't say to you, we're going to give you the perfect time zone and you're going to have to, you're going to get to not check your messages until 1pm and you're going to you know, life comes along and says how robust are you? Can these things but meet with real life and all of the things that happen in a life and all of the disappointments and the headaches and the challenges and can you still maintain at least some of that stuffments and the headaches and the challenges, and can you still maintain

at least some of that stuff that you really enjoy? And that's something I'm practicing in real time right now. Please remember that because it's interesting. You ever meet someone who's had like a near-death experience or they've survived cancer or something. They live their life like it's a victory lap. I want a victory lap. And so one of the things I've reminded myself,

I was telling my kids that's not that long ago, I didn't use that term, but I'll use your term. Life's a victory lap. We're just running up the score. You know what I mean? And if you can approach your life that way, you know, when I, because I do the show, so you know, half the guests at least have a book usually.

By the way, when you're listening to it now, probably it'll be pre-order, so you can go pre-order Matthew's book right now, by the way, let me help him sell some books right now. The link for that is lovelifebook.com. There you go, get that in there, lovelifebook.com. And, but I have to tell you, like I sometimes feel sympathy for a lot of my guests

because they're in that treadmill when they're sitting in that seat. You know, they're in that, I gotta make the times, I gotta sell this, I gotta do that. And I know it because I did it, right? And I've avowed, I'm in the middle of writing my next book and I'm like, I am not doing that next time.

How will you prevent yourself from doing that next time, I'm curious. I actually think the next time, well, I teach this with my athletes, the people that I coach, I have goals, but then I separate from outcome. Wayne Dyer taught me that. So once you've executed the work, right?

Now just, do you have a goal to make a list? There's nothing wrong with that, but then emotionally separate from the outcome of it. It's the same thing even like on a first date, I think. I think it's appropriate to be excited about the first date and have a goal. I would love this to work out, but then separate from the outcome. Just let it be, right? And so for me, it'll just be reminding myself to separate from the outcome. And also it sounds morbid, but this isn't going to matter on my deathbed one way or the other. And so it gives you perspective, keep forcing perspective on yourself and your life. So,

but I think the other thing that you've established, you talk about this in the book too, I want to talk about, this requires confidence in order to make these choices, requires coming from a place of confidence in my opinion. And you talk about three levels of confidence This is awesome stuff right here. So could you give them the gift of that? Yeah, I always think that confidence is this sort of over simplified umbrella word for all sorts of different things that don't necessarily Have a lot to do with each other

To me I needed a kind of unifying model for confidence I'm a hyper-rational person. If someone's speaking and the thing that they say about self-worth contradicts, the thing they said three sentences ago, I'm like, you've lost me. I looked at, I developed a model for confidence that said, okay, there's the surface level, which is level one. And that's how we portray ourselves and how we're perceived based on the way we walk, talk,

and act. Hours and hours of content on that alone, but we all know what we're talking about when we say someone looks confident on the surface. Yes. Then there's the identity level of confidence. And this we might think of as the legs under the table that underpins the confidence so that the moment is tested,

it doesn't just fall apart. And that's, you know, there are plenty of people that have bravado that the moment it's tested, it disintegrates, you know, you have a hard, someone has a hard conversation with you and all of a sudden you, it goesates. You know, you have a hard, someone has a hard conversation with you and all of a sudden you, it goes apart, falls apart. The identity level is, I like, I like to think of the identity level as everything that we use as a source of confidence in our lives. And they can be many. It can be the skills we have. It can be the life we've set up for ourselves.

It could be the relationships that we have. It could be the family support system we have. The contacts that we have. For some people, it might be the fact that they feel like they're well-traveled. Yeah. Or that they know three languages. Or they can play an instrument.

Or they're a very good conversationalist. We all have these things that create what I call identity confidence. And I think of that as a kind of matrix with a bunch of squares in it, like a tic-tac-toe box. And inside are all these different things that give you confidence. And no one's matrix looks uniform where all the squares are the same. In reality, what happens is we come to identify, and some would say over identify,

with certain aspects of our life that give us confidence. Why is it that in a recession, someone who wasn't going to starve decides that they need to end it all. Why? It's because they lost all their money. It's because they lost their identity. Wow. Yes.

And the same can be true of a relationship. You know, someone comes out of a marriage, well, maybe they fought so hard for that marriage for so many years that they lost themselves. They lost all the things that made them them, all the things they enjoyed doing, all of the hobbies, the friendships, the close relationships,

and they just poured themselves into this marriage. And then when divorce happens, that was the giant square of their matrix and anything else in their life had been reduced to these tiny little squares around it. And so when they lose this square, it's not that you lost a marriage, it's that you lost your identity, it's not the death of a part of your life, it feels like the death of your soul.

And so in that moment, people feel like I can't survive. When we lose our identity in that way, it's terrifying for us. You can get the same thing with a bodybuilder who gets injured and all of a sudden they can't train. And that they'd made that 90% of their matrix was their ability to define and sculpt their body. And now life doesn't can't be about that because they're injured. So all of a sudden life has to become about something else. So that's the identity level. That's level two. And what I always say to people on that level is, you have to look at the way your matrix is engineered right now and say, where am I exposed? Because the, and if you want to know where you're exposed,

ask yourself, what area of my life, if I lost it, has the potential to destroy my confidence? And that will allow you to go, where do I need to diversify where I get my confidence from? And, and, you know, of course, the areas where we identify with the most, they tend to be the things that we use for validation or the things that we think are the most important in life. And I always say, our validations become our mutations. You know, if you,

if you get really good in business and you keep making more money and making more money and making more money and everyone rewards you for that, it's really easy to let everything else fall by the wayside. But now you've got, you know, a parent who spends no time with their kids because it's like, this is the big part of my matrix that I need to keep feeding.

And it's scary to diversify. When you diversify, you go back to being a toddler in a new area until it becomes a source of confidence. You know, you could have someone who's incredibly, you know, their sarcasm, which they call their wit, may be a huge part of their matrix. If you say to someone, hey, look, this sarcasm is getting in the way of your relationships, because there's a time when sincerity is called for and people are not going deep with you

because you throw too many barbed comments in in a conversation and no one feels like they really get to connect with you. It would really behoove you to start having more sincere conversations. Well, you have a problem here. This person has been using this sarcasm probably their whole life.

And if they're gonna suddenly switch to a different style of speaking to people or conversation, well, that was working for them in many ways. It was a, you know, it made them feel witty. It gave them power in conversations. It made them feel like they knew how to handle difficult people. It made them know how to break a silence. If you take all of that away, they're back to being a toddler in conversation who doesn't know how to walk yet.

And that's okay, but we hate having to go back to suck at something. And that inability to go back and be bad at something so that we can actually build it as another source of confidence and diversify it is crucial. So all of that is happening at the identity level, but people in there will be no shortage of people in mindfulness circles who will say all identification is the problem. Like that identity level right there is the problem in itself is that we identify. I identify as being great in business. I identify

as being someone who is always there for people. Yeah, this identification is the source of your unhappiness and you have to stop identifying and create space between your consciousness and the identification that have become one. I think that's... I'm a big fan of all of that material, but I also know that every day we are facing out to meet the world and we have to decide how to spend our time. And if you can spend your time and allocate your energy in ways that diversify your confidence on the identity level, it still makes sense to, you just have to know that anything on the identity level will still leave you vulnerable ultimately because friends can leave, relationships can end, your health can go away, you can get injured, your business can go under, anything can happen at any point

that will rock you in that moment. Having diverse sources of confidence can help you manage those moments where you get rocked, but you can get rocked on that level all the same. God forbid, four or five big areas for you go down at the same time. Now you've got a confidence crisis, and that has to be solved at the deepest level of confidence, which is level three. And that's core confidence. And core confidence is if surface level confidence is the relationship that is the way that other people see you, core confidence is the cliche about what I call core confidence and the way other people talk about this kind of depth

of confidence. The cliche is that you have to learn how to love yourself. And that sentence there, I think, is the beginning of all sorts of trouble and inadequacy that people get themselves into. I think that this concept of self-love that we have. So it needs a rebranding. It needs a huge rebranding.

In what sense? By the way, can I just interject one thing? What you're doing here is magic and profound. What you just did are these three levels of confidence. That's cutting edge work right there. Thank you. It's outstanding work, like stamp of approval, awesome. As is this next thing you're gonna talk about,

which this, by the way, this core confidence is huge. But also this idea that self love needs a rebranding. Told you, I read every word of the book. So let's talk a little bit about that. I'm honored, I'm honored that you spent the time. I know this area intimately because I struggled with it for so much of my life. This idea of loving yourself,

it's become a kind of bumper sticker Instagram meme. And I don't think, I think so much of the advice out there is so unhelpful. And that's not me knocking the people giving the advice. I just think that, again, I'm a hyper-rational person. Something needs to be bulletproof in its logic for me to be able to take it on board. And whenever I would hear about self-love,

I would go, well, okay, then why should you love yourself? And people would come up with answers like, well, because you're like well because you're you're You know kind and because you're loving and because you're you know an amazing human being and because you're always there for people And because you work so hard and and and to me that would always in a way keep taking it back up to the identity level Because it was like you what you're listing about if I if you're giving those as reasons I should love myself. It's like you're listing all these if you're giving those as reasons I should love myself, it's like you're listing all these traits. You're right.

Like I'm a top Trump card. I don't know if you have a version of that in America. Like I'm a card that like these are all the attributes. And because I score kindness at a nine out of 10, that's why I should love myself. And then I was like, but then what about days where I'm not kind? What about days where I'm selfish?

What about times in my life where I screw up? What about times where I don't work hard, where I feel lazy? What are you saying I'm not lovable on those days, but I'm lovable on the others? And then people would go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not like that. And I go, well, then why should I love most? If it's not based on those things and

Those things are really just another version of I love you because you get straight A's That's right. I was literally just gonna say that if you bring home the report card. We love you exactly was literally just gonna say that Hey guys, if you need to hire you need indeed, you know in all of my businesses and I've been blessed to have several of them I've used indeed now for a number of years and the main reason I do it is, if you're like me, I don't want to waste a bunch of time interviewing people that aren't qualified for the positions that I have. It's one of the hardest jobs in the world, right? Or they are qualified, but they're not interested in making them move at the given time. And so with Indeed, you have a thing called Instant Match where they match you with quality candidates within 24 hours and you're in front of people that want the job that are qualified for it

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indeed.com slash my let terms and conditions apply you need to hire you need indeed. Hey guys so I've been talking about Babel for a long time because to some extent they've actually changed my life and the reason is like you I wanted to learn a second language I think everybody should speak a second language and I learned Spanish in high school but I couldn't speak it fluently and it was an outcome of mine last year and I can tell you a year later I made a ton of progress I was recently in Mexico I was having really conversations with people who are telling me they were impressed with my Spanish and a hundred percent that's because of

Babel because the way you learn to speak a new language is in total immersion the lessons are 10 minutes long. You can start really speaking the language better in about three weeks because they're crafted by about 200 different language experts. So whatever language is you wanna learn, you can start slowly but make progress quickly with Babel. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners.

Right now get 50% off a one time payment for a lifetime Babel subscription, but only for our listeners at babel.com slash my let. Yeah, get 50% off at babel.com slash my let. That's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash my let. Rules and restrictions apply. So I was like, how do we get out of this system we have for ourselves?

And by the way, the way they're saying it is also a reflection of what they're doing to themselves and the way they're judging themselves. So how do we get out of this report card system? And by the way, those things might be why you're proud of yourself. But if you're talking about a bulletproof recipe for self-love, then you can't be talking about attributes that I have on my best day and not my worst day. Because then you're saying I'm not lovable half the time or I'm not lovable the times when I do wrong. And by the way, the time I'm in need of self-love the most

is when I'm doing everything wrong. And when I've screwed up and when I feel shame and I'm judging myself and hating myself because I've hurt someone or because I've made a mistake that's hurt me, because I've done things in my life that I'm like, oh, I really damaged my life with that mistake. Oh, I've really hurt myself with that mistake. I can never go back from that. And I've spent years beating myself up about mistakes. So I went, I need a better recipe for self-love than this.

And I had to start looking for other models. Now, if you look to the romantic model for love, that doesn't work for self-love. The romantic model for love is, you fall for someone, right? And Esther Perel puts it beautifully in her work, the difference between love and desire. That love is the coming together of two people, but desire, that thing that makes you want to fall in love with someone, that exists in the space between two people.

You need space for there to be desire. Love wants to bring you together, space needs room to breathe. And by the way, the inverse of that is the saying familiarity breeds contempt. So if you look at the relationship with yourself, the one where you've spent every waking moment of that in, in that relationship, your entire life. For instance, the day you were born, you've been with yourself. were born, you've been with yourself. What relationship are you more familiar with than that? There is no room for desire with yourself. So the romantic model doesn't work. The romantic model doesn't work. And that's why we have, I believe that's why we have

so much contempt for ourselves because who are we more familiar with? So I said, okay, the romantic, we're not narcissists. We can't look in a pool of water and instantly just fall in love with ourselves. Right? That's what happened with narcissists in Greek mythology. For us, we're like, we look in the mirror every day and we're like, I hate myself. I can't get myself to love myself. What are you talking about? I barely like myself, let alone love myself.

So, okay, romantic model doesn't work. What could work? Or what, what, what, what if we could look at other places in life where there was a different kind of model for love, what would it be? I started looking at the parent-child relationship and saying, if you ask a parent why they love their child, how many, maybe some would, but how many parents as a percentage would start reeling off qualities of their kid. If you said, why do you love your kid? How many of them would go well because they get straight A's and because they're kind and because they're loving and because they're, if you ask most parents why you love your kid, they go,

because it's my kid. What do you, they give you like a strange expression. It's unconditional. There's no condition to their performance on straight A's. Yeah, they're mine. What do you mean? Okay, my kid. Okay that for me held a clue. What's the clue? That there are people in this life that we love for no other reason than their house. I Feel the same way about my brothers. They're on their worst days. You asked me why I love my brothers I'm like because of my brothers. Now not everyone feels like that about sibling But but it's common in the parent-child relationship

You can find it in other places too You can find it in the child in the stuffed toy relationship tell a child to get rid of the stuffed toy because you've got a better looking one Yeah, I've got one that hasn't got fluff coming out the seams that child will be like what are you talking about? That's my rabbit true sounds crazy, but I'm thinking of my dogs. I know that sounds crazy No, the dog is the perfect example. You can walk down the street and see someone walking the ugliest, scraggliest, mangiest dog and try walking up to that dog owner and saying,

I've got a more stately, beautiful dog for you if you want to swap. What are you talking about? This is my dog. Great point. So, so now imagine something. This is the part that changed my dock. So now imagine something. This is the part that changed my life. What if when someone said to us, what if someone said to you, Ed, why do you love yourself?

And instead of going to any of those traits or things you do on your best days or things you think make you unique or special or all of that. Cause all of that is just another way to judge yourself when you find someone who's better. You're right. What if instead someone said, Ed, why do you love yourself? And you said, what do you mean? Cause I'm mine.

I'm mine. I'm my human. Think of it this way. Out of eight billion people on this earth, way, out of eight billion people on this earth, you're the only person that's there to truly take care of this human. There's no one else. I think of it like our parents, whether they did a good job or not is irrelevant. They just had the responsibility for keeping us alive until a point where it was like, over to you, this is your job. Your job is to take care of this one human. And I sometimes think of it like the Lion King when Simba leaves the

pride. I think of it like he left himself. Like he hit the pride is him. It's his job to look after the pride. The pride is you. You're, you're the one human that you have been given to take care of. Nothing else is certain. You're just the one thing you must do in this life is take care of this one human that you've had since the beginning. And anytime I'm being horrible to myself, beating myself up, anytime I'm telling myself I'm not good enough,

I go, Matt, what's wrong with you? You had one job. You had one job. Take care of this human. And by the way, and through that lens, comparing ourselves in, because this is what makes us not like ourselves, is comparison.

I'm comparing myself to this person, this person, this person. They've got more than me, they're better looking than me, they're more intelligent than me, they're whatever. The comparison makes no sense through that lens because you realize it's irrelevant. I can't exchange my human. Yes, right, you're right.

I can't swap my human out for another human. I got given a human. It's me. Right, my only job is how happy can I make this human? And if I was treating it like that, like it was my job, it's not, I don't have to love myself as a noun. I have to love myself as a verb. It's my job to love this human.

That changes everything because here's the big part that I think would help a lot of people. It's help me. When you look at it through that lens, you don't even have to like yourself to love yourself. You might not like yourself today and that's okay. You might be frustrated with yourself. You might have a lot of mistakes

and things that are hurting you or things you wish you'd done differently. You might not like the way you're living right now, whatever, you might not like yourself, but you can still love yourself and the liking part can come later. Oh, brother, brother, whoa. I introduced you today by saying

I'm really proud of your evolution. Bro, you're on a profound magic streak with your work right now. Listen to me, this is everyone. You rewind the last 15 minutes, this interview, the last two things we've covered, are you kidding me? Has there ever been, bro, I, it's some of the best stuff I've ever heard.

And you made one distinction there, cause the self-loving thing the other way, for me, I have a hard time with this, when someone's not, I just love myself the way I am. And you know that they're capable of being healthier or not, you know, someone's shooting heroin. And I've always thought like, yeah, I love myself to where I am, but what you've just made a distinction on there is so profound is you can love yourself and not like

yourself. And that not like yourself part is the part of you that can create change, that can say, look, I don't, I love myself, but I don't like the way that I, my nutrition is, or I don't like the way that I am treating myself. So there's that distinction, because that other, the other side of the self-love way that I am treating myself. So there's that distinction, because the other side of the self-love thing that I think is negative is like, it's just accept everything you do, but you've made the distinction between love and like, and that is a huge distinction.

You must always love yourself because you're your only human. Bro, I'm gonna repeat this like a hundred times the next two days what you just said to people. That is some of the best stuff I have ever heard come out of someone's mouth about life and confidence and loving oneself. Like the best. Thank you.

So good. That difference I think is so crucial because it also makes a distinction between, when you really love yourself, it starts from a place of total acceptance. And again, acceptance isn't, I like everything about myself. Acceptance is just, I'm making peace with my starting point.

Oh, it's so good. And that changes everything because there's a big difference between self-acceptance and self-esteem. Self-esteem is built by what we do. Self-esteem is built by sticking to your promises and all of the things that you talk about all the time that build that pride and that knowledge

that you can make things happen, that you need reference points for. And when you do hard things, you build reference points and that builds that self-esteem. But self-acceptance on this deepest level is about making peace with where you're starting from and that is one of the most beautiful things you can ever do for yourself. And by the way, all self-esteem I believe starts from that ultimate acceptance of what our starting point is.

Because if you don't accept your true starting point, and if you're lying about your true starting point, you won't even feel good when you do things that should give you self-esteem. Like, here's a fun example. If I had, let's say I'm a hundred grand in debt, but I've told the world that I have a hundred grand in the bank. Everyone, my friends and family, they all think I have a hundred grand in the bank, but really I have a hundred grand of credit card debt. Now, Now, if I do something wonderful, every day I wake up and I work and I save, I invest and I am sensible with my money and I start paying it off and let's say I pay off 20% of it. I'm now down to 80 grand in debt.

That's amazing. You've paid off a fifth of your debt. That's amazing. That should be celebrated. Yes. But you can't celebrate it because everyone thinks you have a hundred grand in the bank. And so something that actually should have given you a true milestone in your self-esteem. You weren't honest about where you're really starting from.

No. And so no one can celebrate you. No one can support you. You feel alone in it and you feel like, you don't feel like you made any progress. All you feel is I'm still 80 grand in debt and everyone thinks I have 100 grand in the bank. And that happens, by the way, at the end of so many marriages where someone is getting divorced and the world has felt like that was a great marriage from the outside. And you've been talking about it as if everything is fine because you've been afraid to talk about just how bad it's been and just how unhappy you've

been or your partner's been or just how in some cases abusive that relationship has been and now you find yourself on the brink of divorce again it's that I'm I'm losing my identity here because everyone on the identity level, everyone has thought that I'm in this happy marriage. But when I work with people, the moment they can accept what their true starting point is, which is that I haven't had the marriage I've been telling people I had for the last 10 years. I have not been happy. This has been crushing my soul or my confidence.

I am starting again in this area of my life. Maybe in some ways I'm starting again financially because this divorce is gonna devastate me financially. Maybe I'm gonna have to truly like, I'm gonna have to go and get a job. I never thought I'd have to go and get. I'm gonna have to fend for myself again in ways. I'm gonna have to move out of this house and into an apartment.

I'm gonna, to fend for myself again in ways. I'm gonna have to move out of this house and into an apartment. I'm gonna, like all of these things that have to happen, you have to strip back all of the layers of what everyone thinks I am and just say, this is my actual starting point today. And people are so afraid to do that. And I understand because we're terrified of the loss of ego and of reputation and what would happen if people didn't realize I wasn't where I thought I was so afraid to do that and I understand because we're terrified of the loss of ego and the reputation and what would happen if people didn't realize I wasn't where I thought I was. And this identity I've constructed for myself but if you can start from that place of total acceptance.

And almost imagine like, okay let's just play an experiment for a moment. Imagine I just got given this human today. And this human starting point was like a video game. This human starting point is they're starting newly single again at 50. They are financially they they have this much in the bank. They have to go and get themselves back on their feet. If you saw that as like a video game and you just got given this human starting today to play this game You'd be excited you'd be like what fun thing to get to do But it's all that baggage and that identity that makes it all seem like it's the end of the world and the beautiful thing is

When you take even the tiniest step forward from that place But now the world now you're honest with the world and yourself, most importantly, when you take a tiny step forward, it may, to your previous self, who was putting on the mask of where you were, it may have been nothing. But to you now from an honest starting point, it's a miracle and it is a sign that you're growing and moving and that life is changing and that you, that the confidence that comes from that

is real and it's yours. The gains are yours at that point. Unbelievable. I'm just sitting here, brother. So like you, when I hear something, I put it through my stress test or litmus test of validity. Right? So as you're talking, let me tell you what I was thinking of. I want to unpack a little bit of that.

And then this has been so good. Like I have a hundred more questions. I'm going to get to one more, which frustrates me. But so my dad, you know, profound thing in my life is my dad getting sober. And I was thinking about what would have had, what happened when my dad got sober? Three elements took place. Number one, my dad had to actually love himself enough

at that point to accept where he really was. So what you just said a minute ago is so profound. You have to have self acceptance, right? So my dad had to love himself enough to accept, I can't control this anymore. I'm an alcoholic, my life is out of control. Simultaneously, he did not like the way he was behaving or like himself.

So there is a massive distinction between those things. In fact, that not liking it is one of the things that caused him to do it. But here's how profound it is. Once he got sober to your point and admitted what his real starting point was, then the smallest, tiniest step was huge.

That first day of being sober was a big deal. 30 days, you get a chip in the AA program. Just 30 days of not drinking. There's millions of people who go 30 days without drinking, but to my dad, that was massive, even though for most people that's a small step. But it started with loving himself to accept where he was and acknowledge that as the starting point. That's only when you can create change.

He didn't like himself at that time. In fact, he didn't like himself at all, but that is the recipe in the formula. Bro, what you're working on right here is cutting edge huge stuff for people to understand. Like everyone, I don't, you know, I always tell you, you need to share this episode with anybody who wants to build some baseline confidence create some level of change and Have these relationships with other people in themselves and obviously with life so good Matthew

So hey guys, you know when I love technology and a great idea Revolutionizes an old industry and by the way if there's an industry that needs a revolution I think youizes an old industry. And by the way, if there's an industry that needs a revolution, I think you'd agree with me, it's the healthcare industry. It's not easy to find good doctors. And by the way, good doctors that are in your area that also take your insurance. And that's why I love ZocDoc.

They are revolutionizing the healthcare industry and the way you get access to doctors. ZocDoc, by the way, is ZOC-DOC. Here's who they are. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Tons of different reviews on the doctors and their local to you can find out if they take your insurance. I just did it for a tear ahead in my shoulder one day later. I'm in the doctor's office getting some help getting in order for an MRI. So go to ZockDoc.com slash my let and download the ZockDoc app for free.

Then find a book, a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash my let ZockDoc.com slash my let. And just to add one more thing there, when we do that over time, I almost would encourage people to look at it the same way we look at parenting, which is that so many of the rewards come later that, you know, when I talk to parents and maybe this is true for you, Ed, they talk about so many of the rewards being when they've grown up. And then you get the reward for all of that love that you gave these people. That they may not have appreciated at the time

or they may not have really seen for what it was at the time or how much you were doing for them. But it comes later. And if we're starting again with ourselves today, you can see yourself like a teenager who might not appreciate it right now, you know? But sooner or later, the like will catch up to the love.

Wow, brother, unbelievable. I gotta tell you, unbelievable. Let me ask you one last question. By the way, you guys, you need to get love life, you can tell. This is a book, by the way, there's parts in there about dating, because that's Matthew's go zone

I gotta tell you I think he's left that go zone where he is now This is about this is about the relationship with other people the relationship with yourself So profound relationship with the world at large. So you all that's great and Then you have a disappointment if a disappointment in your life a in a relationship, and you write about this in the book, about managing disappointments when things don't go our way, because ultimately everybody here that's gonna create a change, they're gonna start a business right now,

they're gonna get fit right now, they're gonna enter a relationship right now, they're gonna start pursuing their faith right now. They have this formula now that you've given them, and then they're gonna have a disappointment at some point. Then there's gonna be a letdown, something like that. So how does one manage that? I think that a superpower that anyone can have, and it's available to anyone,

is the ability to, at any moment in time, make plan B the new plan A. And I think that's something that we're almost scared to do because we get so fixated on this idea that this is the only way that we'll be happy, as if this happens in our life. And I actually look at life all through the lens of criteria, that there are criteria that we have to meet in order to be happy. And for me, I really pay attention to my criteria. What are the things I need to do every day and feel every day in order to be happy? And so when someone says to me, you know,

you found your calling, I'm flattered by that, but I also wanna say to them, I didn't. I just found a great way to meet my criteria. Because I like to connect with people. I like to feel like I'm making a difference. I like to feel like I'm doing something valuable. I like to do something I'm good at. I like, you know, I found something that that allows me to be creative

and creativity is a big part of my criteria. So I have certain things that I need to do every day in order to, and at least every other day or every three days in order to feel happy. And sometimes you can chunk that up, right? To like basics. Like for me, I have, I have it written in my little journal every day, uh, this acronym, it doesn't sound good, but it's chroma. Okay. C O, uh, C R O W M A.

And chroma is just my criteria for like what I need to make sure I'm doing every day in order to be happy. So creativity is one, uh, really focusing, doing something towards a relationship is another, um, organizing, like just feeling like I'm kind of things are organized and, um, do something that contributes to my wellness. M is my mind. I need to do something that feeds my mind, whether it's reading a new book from a chapter from a book or listening to something, or then it's appreciation and

the A is appreciation. Now, for me, I need to do all of those things regularly. And if I'm ever unhappy, normally, this is a nice formula for me for my happiness, because I can just go back to this list and go, which one of these, I might have done some of them on overload for the last week or two or month or year, which one of these is not getting a look in anywhere.

I can guarantee you my happy, if I'm unhappy is because I haven't done anything in the last week to connect and feed my relationships. I can look at it and go, I feel completely disorganized in my life even though I'm achieving a lot. I feel like I can't get my arms around things. I haven't been creative. I've not done anything creative. That's why writing every day made me happy

is because in that moment, I was fulfilling a key part of my criteria. So this may feel like a long-winded way to get to the answer, but when I look at life through the lens of these criteria, what I realize is everything in life is only meeting some kind of criteria. So you may be disappointed because it didn't happen this way, but

you can miss the point when you're in heartbreak or disappointment that your criteria can be met a hundred thousand different ways and that's plan B and if plan B doesn't work that's plan C and if plan C doesn. And that's plan B. And if plan B doesn't work, that's plan C. And if plan C doesn't work, that's plan D. And the way plan B becomes better than plan A ever was is when you settle on plan B. And you make plan B as great as it can possibly be. And I do this with people on some of the hardest topics.

I've, for the last 15 years, a huge part of my life has been working with women. And you can't work with women in their love lives without coming across, you know, what for many feels like the elephant in the room, which is Matt, you're telling me to, you know, like, I need to go into dating from a calm and confident place. But guess what?

I feel like time is running out on one of my big life goals, which is having kids. I want a family and it feels like time is running out. And that was plan A was meet someone and have a family and it hasn't happened yet. Or maybe they just had a breakup with someone that they thought was gonna be the person they do it with when that happens to people they they panic and

When we panic we start making bad decisions and the reason we've panicked is because we think Plana is not gonna happen and if plan a doesn't happen. I'll never be okay again I'll be grieving. I'll be sad for the rest of my life and What I love doing is taking some of the most difficult situations people encounter and saying, what does plan B look like? If that had to happen, what does it look like? And how do you make plan B more beautiful than plan A ever would have been? And I've watched people do this over and over again in life.

And it's one of the most stunning. It's that it's a superpower. It is an absolute superpower. And it all it takes is saying to yourself, let me take the ingredients I have now and let me make the best of these ingredients. There's a part in the book where I reference. There's a funny thing to reference because I don't even watch the show, but there's a TV show called Chopped,

I'm sure you've heard of it. And I think I was sitting in the dentist chair and it was on the screen while I was in the dentist chair. And I saw the beginning of this show and I thought, oh my God, this holds one of the great keys to life and to confidence. They each get given a basket of ingredients and 20 minutes to do something with those ingredients.

And they obviously, the show is they give them some tough ingredients. You know, there was a show I was watching, they got like Alaskan King Crab, which was obviously an amazing ingredient. Everyone's happy to get that one. But then some of the chefs got like kelp jerky. Yeah. And they've got to figure out a way to integrate kelp jerky into this recipe.

And the point I'm making the book is that that show is not a show that's about ingredients. When we go through trauma in life, heartbreak, when we wish life was different, when we wish it was another way, we're lamenting our ingredients and what we have to play with right now. I thought I was going to be at this place by this point in my life and I'm here instead. But when I watched the show chopped, I went, this isn't a show about ingredients, this is a show about chefs. It's, no one gets a prize for, at the end of the show, no one gets rated on the ingredients. Everyone gets rated on, what did you do with those ingredients?

How creative were you with that kelp jerky and and any chef that Couldn't yet you may not like kelp jerky You may not ever find yourself able to love your whatever your kelp jerky is in life You may not be able to love it but any chef who can do something miraculous with kelp jerky is easy to love and so You look at look at the kelp jerky of your life right now. Look at the things that didn't go right.

Look at the place you're in in your life right now. And say to yourself, imagine that you are going to, at the end of your life, look at what you did with those ingredients and how creative you were able to be from your starting point today, not from where you wish you were, but from where you are today. And the whole game, the whole show is, can you do something that none of us would have expected you would do with those ingredients? And you can't get it wrong, by the way, it's yours.

It's not what's amazing by other people's standards. You can't get it. My boxing trainer once said to me, he was like, I was getting trying to super technical on the way I was throwing my punches and trying to overthink everything. And he said, Matt, you can't get it wrong. It's yours. It's yours.

You can't get it wrong. It's yours. It's your, your thumbprint. Your thumbprint is your own. So take, take that situation that you're in right now. Grieve it. Because every time we go through a heartbreak in life, we got to in right now, grieve it, because every time we go through a heartbreak in life, we gotta take the time to grieve it.

It's, you know, I'm not, I think we spend too much time, like just kind of trying to move people on from these huge earth-shattering disappointments in life. Grieve it, be sad about it. It's okay to be sad about it. It's okay, you know, that's a death. Disappointment is a death, you know. Divorce is a death of a promise.

Of failed business is a death of an idea of something that would happen and the way it would go. Failure and rejection is the death of ego. We're all gonna die many deaths in this lifetime. You're not alone. We're all dying all the time. We're all gonna die many, many, many deaths in this lifetime. You're not alone. We're all dying all the time. We're all gonna die many many many deaths in this life But but that death might hold the key to your next great adventure and if you choose it to it really will and that's the after you grieve

Then it's about making room for a new story because this disappointment this death you've experienced is Not the only story of your life. Brother, unbelievable. Like make a masterpiece of the ingredients you've been given. And I love what you said. Settle on plan B. You don't settle for plan B. I'm proud of you today.

I'm sitting here and I'm a little bit emotional at the end, I'm just really proud of you. This is incredible work you're doing. And I love you and I'm grateful for you I'm really honored that I shared the hour with you. I am this was awesome, bro This is awesome I feel the same way Ed and you are a very very you're a very special human and you are a very special listener the way you connect and The way you listen and the way you show up

For anyone out there, you know, you know Ed, but I get to tell you about Ed from my vantage point, something that you may not know. Anyone who's as busy as Ed is, anyone who's got as much going on as you could just phone it and could show up and just be like, I know people are going to want to be on my show. So I'm just going to show up and I'm doing them a favor. And even that would be awesome. But the way that you, you know, the fact that you even read the book,

I walked in, I didn't know you'd read the book. You, I walked in and you were like, I read the book. I was like, what? It's incredible. The way you listen and that you're present with people. It's a very, very, very special thing. And I learned from you every time I'm with you. So thank people. It's a very, very, very special thing. And I learned from you every time I'm with you. So thank you. Thank you. I love you. And I'm grateful that I read

the book. And by the way, you will be as well. You will be as well. You need to go get love life. You probably listen to it. And now you preorder it. If it's later, past April, April 23rd is the release date. April 23rd is the release date. It's Amazon, Barnes & Noble, wherever you get your books. If you're international, you can get it internationally too. Give us the website again. The website is lovelifebook.com. Okay. All right, everybody. Hope you enjoyed today. I don't have to ask you to share today's show.

I know this one's going viral, so God bless you. Max out your life. This is The Ed and Myland Show. This is the Edmund Mylon Show. Hi there. Sorry for the interruption, but are you enjoying this show on Google Podcasts? You should know that the Google Podcasts app is going away this spring. That's right, going away, gone as in no longer available. You can still enjoy this show elsewhere though. Try out Spotify or Amazon Music

or maybe tune in as more your style. Whatever app you switch to, be sure to follow so you never miss the next episode and thanks for listening. Wherever you listen.