THE ED MYLETT SHOW - Protect Your Peace. Overcome Your Past. - W/ Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

Believe it or not, most of us are addicts and don’t even know it! Drugs and alcohol are not the only sources of addiction. Many of us go our entire lives addicted to approval from others, addicted to chaos, addicted to stress, addicted to material things, addicted to our own habits that don’t serve us. And the effects can be just as disastrous as substance abuse. My next guest this week is one of the most interesting, complex, and brilliant people I’ve ever had on the show I enjoyed this conversation so so much and I know it’s going to make a difference in your life She is one of the funniest comedians on the planet. She’s an actress, producer, writer, director, podcaster and so much more! Featured on Comedy Central, HBO, and Netflix, (a self-identified “Love Addict as well ) After months of chasing, I am THRILLED to have Whitney Cummings on the Ed Mylett Show! How does someone so human go on to achieve at such a high level of success? In this interview, Whitney breaks down the struggle with her addiction to chaos and reveals how you can use self-observation to identify and overcome your own toxic patterns. The older we become, the more we operate based on our past memories and experiences instead of operating from our imagination… of what is POSSIBLE in the future version of ourselves. This interview will help you identify and overcome destructive patterns that are holding you back from achieving fulfillment. Whitney is revealing her strategy on how to LOVE and LIVE more authentically and still create lasting relationships and friendships. It is time to EMBRACE what you truly want out of life, shatter your self-destructive patterns, and protect your PEACE. This is an EXPLOSIVE episode YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS! Whitney even shares her secret identifier of how to know if you are a true Alpha… and it is probably NOT what you expect!

This is the Ed Milo Show. Welcome back to Max out, everybody. Long story behind this, but like legit, I've chased this woman for probably a year. And I just, I got enough people to gang up to make her do this that I've convinced her to come on the show. But she's a remarkable woman. Like, I'm a legitimate fan of who I think she is from observing her from a distance and from our mutual friends. She's a writer and actress. I think primary career you have to say is comedian. She's a producer, she's a podcaster, and but she's super interesting.

And so I'm so glad Whitney Cummings is on max out today. Welcome Whitney. What an honor. How nice. It's fine. What is this? I don't know. I think it's just about the chase for you. I'm an enigma to you. You want what you can't have.

I can't be this great. I can't have. Well, at least I have it for an hour today. By the way, I dig, if you're on audio, she's got pink hair today. And I'm reading about you, because it's obviously your IQ kind of shines through. Your Ivy League educated. Yes, sir.

Okay, you want your fans to hate me? Why open with this? No, I think it's an interesting, I don't know, duality that you're able to do comedy. You're obviously some people think you're very pretty I don't know, duality that you're able to do comedy. You're obviously some people think you're very pretty and you have a married man, so I say it that way. I'm like, her IQ is through the roof.

It's obvious the way that you communicate about things. This interview today, guys, isn't gonna sound like you're just talking a comedian. You're gonna, this, and I say just to communicate, I mean, there's such depth to you. But then I'm researching, I'm like, she went to pen for God's sake. She's Ivy League educated,

it's starting to make sense. So. I definitely think a lot of what I've achieved is because people just had such a low standard for me. That is a big part of success. Just make sure the bar is so low that you're always gonna exceed it. Well, I have a huge bar for today.

So let's step up here. So I was reading about you and it's weird. Like you just feel like you connect with people and I grew up in an alcoholic family, my dad. And I have this theory, my first job out of college after I got released from playing baseball. I worked at a group home like an orphanage for boys. And I developed, well, my boys boys were all words of the court,

so their parents were either dead, incarcerated or heard, probably like molested them. And I had this developed the story by working with my boys that people that come from a certain level of dysfunction, I think our eyes are a little different. Like we just want to be loved and believed in and cared for everybody does, but maybe we wanted a little bit more and we link achievement to doing that too, I think sometimes you're up bringing is not o explain a little bit of the life. Well, I just want to you're being so authentic

your fan base, obviously respond and relate, which is why you have such a rabid fan base. But yeah, I mean, I think if you worked hard for approval when you were young, you worked hard the rest of your life. It's kind of, I used to look at growing up in an alcoholic home as I was a victim and poor me. And I now look back at an alcoholic, just as you said it, I felt the need to clarify alcoholism.

You know, we say in order for alcoholism to be present, alcohol doesn't always have to be present. Addiction shows up in many different ways where it's a mom that's obsessed with cooking or cleaning or if it's an obsession with making Christmas perfect or if it's a love addiction or a drama addiction or a parent's spot, alcoholism sometimes people think that they had to like

see a whiskey bottle for alcoholism to be present. So you saying dysfunction, I think was important, but so that people don't feel like, oh, I think I had chaos, but I didn't have a lot of people like to minimize their trauma or experience because there wasn't a drunk in the house. We can be drunk on rage, we can be drunk on control, we can be drunk on perfectionism,

we can be drunk on anxiety and all sorts of things. Another person, a behavior, you know, we see it now with social media addiction shows it's, you know, we can be addicted to a lot of things besides just actual alcohol. So it took me a while to understand that, because I didn't see a lot of alcohol growing up. I didn't realize I grew up in an alcoholic home

until much later. I just thought my parents fought a lot. I just thought they were like that. I just thought my mom went to bed at 6.30. I was like, it's a kid. You don't understand what's happening. And we're amazing. Our brains are amazing.

I know you had Dr. Huberman on about and talked about a brain plasticity like we can adapt to a crazy situation very quickly and we can make up our own narrative about what's happening. Mom's tired, mom has a headache. Like, but we don't know what alcoholism is when we're five. We believe our parents, they're heroes, you know, so, but I, when you grew up in Al-Qaul-Qaul, or dysfunctional home, you end up having to work a little bit harder to get attention, you end up having to be funny, you end up having to pretend you're sick, or pretending you're hurt, or taking risks, or being loud, or all these sort of maladaptive behaviors, sometimes they're called character defects.

I like to call them superpowers, because as I get older, I'm like, God, I have all these freaking tools and weapons and superpowers that a lot of people don't have. And so I don't know, I'm one of those adversity is good people. That's incredible. You say that. I got interviewed on Friday and I said, I've just occurred to me at almost 50 years old

that these are actually, I use the word superpowers of mine. Superpowers. And I think you're talking about anxiety. I don't know if you agree with this or not, but like, there's all this notion like you should avoid all anxiety, avoid all stress. And I think there's an element that you should avoid, some of it. But also, these things are like signals for growth, signals for improvement. They're like catalysts for change too, right?

Like I don't wanna have a life completely devoid of stress, completely devoid of anxiety. It's kinda like, I think the contrast of emotions makes life a little bit richer or do you like totally disagree with it? No, I mean, no, we're brats. We're total brats.

And there's this war on anxiety. As if it's something we should get rid of and cure and fix. And yes, there are legitimate anxiety disorders. I'm not a scientist. I'm not a psychiatrist. I've seen it. I have someone in my family that has a debilitating, can't get out of bed anxiety disorder requires medication.

That's not what we're talking about. Like this thing of I should never have anxiety, you know, we say, and, you know, I'm not an A.A. I'm an Allen on, but in 12 step programs, we say alcoholics are the only people that believe they deserve to be happy all the time, that they should be having fun all the time. Like that's this. And I think we're all like these petulant children now where like I should never have anxiety or fear. Like anxiety and fear are why our species has proliferated. It keeps us safe. Anxiety, this is our friend. Anxiety gets us out of bad situations, gets us out of bad relationships.

It's our, on one hand, people don't realize how hypocritical they are when they talk about this stuff. Like, trust your gut. Get away my anxiety. It's like, they're the same thing. Your gut, that is your gut speaking to you. It's important information. Anxiety motivates us.

It moves us, like you just said. It informs us. It tells us whether someone's good for us or bad for us, whether we should lean into a situation or lean out of a situation. So, and also sometimes, I think people can inflate anxiety and excitement, anxiety and nervousness. There are a lot of things that we should absolutely

be anxious about right now. It'd be weird if we weren't. Like, we'd be numbs zombies. Like, um, we have this new, patchy little thing where we never think we should be uncomfortable. Like, it's a healthy reaction to be anxious about money. Like, you should be, if you're not, then you're delusional. That's worse. So if you have $10 and you're, if you just overdrafted your bank account, you should feel anxiety. You, if you don't, then you're delusional. So I would rather have anxiety than delusional. See, you're the first person I heard say that. It was in an interview I was watching

of yours. And I'm like, that's 100% true. But I'm curious because you're always really, you said, I'm going to be authentic on today's's show and I like to think I am most of the time too and and it's weird when It's sometimes when I am vulnerable because people do come to me for help in these areas like they do you too sometimes You sometimes feel like I wonder if I'm sharing too much stuff and but for me I watch you say something and it hit me because I don't know that I've broken this completely you You said, I think I was almost unconscious in my 20s, meaning like, you know, you're, and I'll let you explain what you meant by it, but in my version of it is like, I've always just been going. And I thought, you know, I've teach people all these tools. I thought, like, am I really over that? Like, am I still as present and as conscious as I could be? And I think a lot of achievers listen to my stuff or at least want to be achievers.

And they're addicted to this. One of the things she probably said on your show too is like turns out you get more dopamine in the pursuit of something and you do when you achieve it. So this notion that I have to keep getting things. But for me it was like if I can get there and then this next one, this next one, this next one. And I look back now and I always want to say to people because I'm one of the older people now in the space like I wasn't present enough. I did not enjoy the ride as much as I could have. What changed for you if it did in your 30s that you didn't do in your 20s? You know, for me in my 20s I was unconscious. You know, for me in my 20s, I was unconscious. You know, I was a complete puppet of fear and workaholism.

And I was a little bit of a zombie. You know, I thought the only thing, you know, I equated, you know, productivity with myself worth. I derived myself a steam from productivity. Still do just the motives are a little cleaner. You know, it was, when I was in my 20s, I didn't know how to measure twice cut once. I was working 10 times as hard, not working smart.

I just wanted to keep busy, because I was in pain, and I was so desperate to make it. I was so desperate for approval. I was so desperate to be loved that I was just sort of unconscious, like Tasmanian devil just like, my this person, my this person, you know, running from whether it was relationship to relationship, for job to job. I also was just grew up at out money. I didn't have money. So I was also just trying to make money and, you know, I think it is who was it was saying that your IQ goes

down when you're worried about money, Andrew Yang, who I think you're having on it was saying that your IQ goes down when you're worried about money, Andrew Yang, who I think you're having on soon. And I don't know who did the study, not a scientist, but when you're worried about money, your IQ does go down. So I also was so scared of not having money, but also the same time spending your responsibly

and how to shopping addiction and all that. So I personally, I know people are going to make buttermilk in the comments. I do identify as an addict. I know I say that on every podcast. I just don't want to be going like, this is just how women are. This is just how people that grew up in alcohol and are like, I very much identify as an addict. So I was very addicted to drama.

I was in bad relationships. I was cheating. I was recreating my childhood circumstances subconsciously. I was recreating that familiar pain, you know, who is it that said I'd rather have familiar pain than unfamiliar comfort? Like I would, you would, I grew up in chaos, I grew up with adrenaline and cortisol. You know when you see people that are just like in dramatic things and you're like, how is that enjoyable to them? It is, it's a drug and adrenaline turns into dopamine.

It feels good. And I didn't know serendity, I didn't know calm. And there was this one quote that I'm going to pretend I'm smarter than I am. Does Athena want to look us up? Flobear. Flobear was a philosopher who said, be serene in your personal life so you can be violent in your work. I want to say, I thought my life had to be chaotic to like be a good artist. I thought I had to like, you know, for life to imitate art. Your life has to be wild so that your arts wild. I just had this really romanticized idea of like I actually now know that the most successful people are the most boring fucking people. I'm like, of course he's been married forever. It is in a really, of course,

because you cannot be on dating apps all day and be chasing women and being in Acrimonious relationships and like fighting with people and throwing phones across the room and achieve what you've achieved. So I hadn't learned, I associated success with chaos. I was like, oh my God, all these famous actors and directors, they, you know, in actresses, they have 10 husbands and they, you know, cheat on their, in their, I thought chaos was sexy and glamorous and that's what success was.

And there's that addiction too. I'm really glad you're willing to say this stuff because I've been writing a lot lately. I've tried to figure out what I want to write about next, but one of the things I've been writing about is this addiction we have. You can really operate at a two patterns in your life. You can operate out of what I call like imagination

or memory, history or vision. And when you're young, when you're a child, you operate out of the imagination pattern more often because you're exploring new things, you're imagining, you're dreaming. And the more you begin to collect memories and have history, the more you begin to operate, it's kind of like reading.

You don't actually read words. Your mind is remembering reading it before and it imprints this pattern. Well, like grown grownups do that. And if you're not aware of it, like most people live most of their life out of memory and not imagination, they repeat the same patterns, the same cycles to your point, like of these emotions.

It's like heroin. It's like, I'm gonna find a way to get my anxiety. I'm gonna find a way to get my chaos. And you create these external situations that give you these memorable patterns in your life that are your home. But I'm really curious about you because I watch you and it still seems to me like,

you work incredibly hard. Are you happy now? Like, okay. Okay, question. Can I just say really quick? I love what you're saying because it took me so long to, because I had this story about myself when I was younger,

that no one understood me and that I was different than everyone because I had an older sister that kind of was cooler than me and I felt rejected by. I was the youngest, which a lot of us overachievers are the youngest and we had to sort of shape shift and find our way into being seen in an already established system. into being seen in an already established system. We had to be punctuous to narcissists to get attention. We had to be useful to get attention. That was a big thing. We had to be sick to get attention.

I learned really early on. If I was sick or injured, I got attention. We had to be too thin to get attention for all the women listening. Or we had to, you know, I found when I had an eating disorder and I started starving myself and I was like, are you okay? And I was like, ooh, this one, it's like this, you know.

So really examining the things that worked when you were younger that got you attention and the things you're still subconsciously doing that you think you need to do in order to get love, money, sex, or whatever it is that you think you want. do an order to get love, money, sex, or whatever it is that you think you want. Am I happy now? I, the word happy, I'm so neurotic, the word happy, freaks me out a little bit, because I don't, again,

Alonons is identify co-dependence. We are sort of emotionally dyslexic. We feel alive in a time of crisis. And when things are calm, we are anxious because we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are going well, we have a damocles sword hanging

and we're like, oh, one's that. So, and fun feels like work for us. We're the ones that go to the party. Yeah. We're the ones that go to the party and just want to like clean up. We're the ones that are just cleaning up, because fun feels like pressure and we're perfectionists

and we're like, I'm not having enough fun, I'm not having fun the right way. How am I, I'm the person at the wedding that's like, I just document, I just take pictures and video because I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't, yes, I feel, I can't get massages, I feel like I'm performing for the person and I don't want to disappoint them by not being relaxed enough like I'm constantly analyzing how good of a job I'm doing at fun or relaxation or whatever we're amazing and we are great inventors and everyone listening to your podcast are going to solve all the problems that are currently in the news because they're listening to you and never lose

that and I am not an anti-perfectionist unless it's making your life unmanageable and actually ends up being debilitating but you know I have a hard time with the happiness thing because I don't I don't know what it's supposed to look like and I never think I'm doing a good enough job. Like I have a hard time at parties because I'm like, am I supposed to be the life of the party? Like I need to know my role. And I like to say fulfilled instead of happy because it's fulfilled and proud.

That's where I drive my happiness from. I get full from acts of service and acts of completion and from productivity, right? So if productivity and cooperation makes dopamine, I am very unoriginal. I like to rescue a dog. I needed to get it out of the shelter, find it a home, put it in the home. I'm happy. Like I need completion. And I know that about myself. Like I need the beginning middle and the end. So I won't be happy until the task is achieved. So I know that about I'm gonna exercise, I don't do as good of a job as you. Clearly, I know that if I go, if I go to work out,

and I don't have something I want to achieve, I'm gonna feel like shit after. So if I just go to the gym and I'm like walking on the treadmill and kind of checking my phone and kind of like do a couple sit-ups and kind of lose track of what I'm doing, and afterwards I'm like, I've got such a piece of shit. And you know when you don't know if you've accomplished the goal or not? Yes. But if I go in and say, I'm going to do 100 pushups, 100 setups, 100 squats, 100 whatever, and I do them all, I feel good.

I feel happy because I have proof that I should be happy and that I've completed the thing. Yeah. So I know how my brain works and I know that I need proof that things are going well to think things are going well. No, I've got to tell you, the healthy thing about this is, I think you're some, I think you prove a little bit like self-awareness is such a huge thing in life because a lot of the negative things about ourselves

when we come aware of them, it loses its power over us And we can kind of start leveraging them to our benefit like to your pointer instead of letting them go Like one things I try to I teach I think I do well the older I've been getting is I teach a concept called blissful dissatisfaction which means People can flake two things Achievers think if I enjoy this I going to lose all my ambition and drive. That's like my recipe is I just don't enjoy things and I'll keep achieving because they think happiness and satisfaction are the same thing. They're completely different. And then other people think, I'm going to delay this bliss until a certain destination, but they

keep moving the destination. So I think ultimate thing is, and I'm not way to, it has to be definable for me. It can't be just like, yeah, I did something. But I was, I, you have this great movie, The Female Brain. And then I want to talk to the women. My audience is probably about, I think it's about 58 42 women. And women, you almost have a bigger responsibility to some extent to understand these things and begin to work on them because you're making other humans. And I was reading some of your stuff. You guys make them too. You well, you carry them.

And you have a lot to do with epigenetic imprinting. And that's the difference. And so I want you to talk a little bit about that concept, because this is something it's not a lot of people are aware of even the neuroscientist that have been on my show. It's not something a lot of them talk about, but it's a real thing. I'm going to be, can I be really just direct and I'm not a scientist again, I'm going to be because most of the fucking scientists are men and they don't study women's shit. They want to study their own shit. And I think people forget that scientists and doctors

are human beings with biases, and they study what's fucking interesting to them, and they study what affects them. And I have, for all the women listening, you'll understand, I've had chronic migraines my entire life, and no one fucking knows. There's no solution to migraines, because it's mostly women that get them,

and unfortunately, most of the people that do research are men. So no one has made it a priority to try to solve for migraines because it just, I'm like, aren't you sick of your wife having a fucking headache? Like at least do it because everyone's dated a woman that, I mean, maybe not you because you're a serial monogamous, but everyone's has gonna have a daughter or has a sister or something that suffers migraines. I remember going to the ER in, that's here, Sinai and Los Angeles. And I used to do these blinding migraines where the whole left side of my body would go numb.

And I couldn't see and it was on, it's actually been a really big part of why I've gone the course of my life that I've gone. And I remember going to the doctor and going like, what causes this? part of why I've gone the course of my life that I've gone. And I remember going to the doctor and going like, what causes this? And he just went, we don't know. And I'm like, what do you mean we don't know?

So in terms of the epigenetic imprinting, that is something that is about what happens to a fetus in utero. And unfortunately, I can say this as a comedian, there's a little bit of like, ew, that's a girl thing. We're gonna go focus on, I mean, all these scientists are focusing on how to make people run faster. We don't, why do we need to run faster?

What the fuck are we doing? Why are all the good scientists wasting all their time trying to figure out how to get people to be better at running and lifting? Who gets a f***ing sh**? You know what I mean? Like, what do we just take steroids? Like we have We have a shortcut like why are like why did what is this thing now? We're every we're wasting our great scientists Unlike performance enhancing like Cree a teen and chef No, Rogan is a very very good friend of mine, but can we use the scientists for something else, please?

is a very, very good friend of mine, but can we use the scientists for something else, please? Um, I'm just like, okay, and we're trying to turn everyone into David Goggins all of a sudden. And no one's drafting you. You're formed up. You're not gonna make it into the NFL, no matter how many Hugh Werman podcasts you listen to.

Okay, can we please figure out my cranes? Um, so- Well, duct tape works according to you, right? Like you travel with duct tape. That seems like well duct tape goes over all of lights. All of the lights in my hotel room. I have to you really did a deep dive on me. Yeah, even nail it if you're gonna be on a long tour. I do. Oh my god.

So I digress epigenetic and it did kind of throw me. I feel like you know too much dude. Well, you know what it is? It made my brain. I'll tell you exactly what happened. I just tape was four though because I could. No duct tape, we don't we don't do sexual duct tape. Right. I have a house. I don't do things like that. I'm a bottom. I'm a power.

I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power.

I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. I'm a power. No, duct tape, we don't do sexual duct tape. Right, no. It's light. I have a house.

I don't do things like that. I'm a bottom. I'm a power bottom. Oh, my God. You know, the epigenetic imprinting thing was so fascinating to me because I'm, you know, now known that your fan base has a lot of women. And by the way, this whole like men women thing is so ridiculous. Like for the people that are men that are listening, you have a wife, you have a daughter, you have a girlfriend,

you have a mother, like this is important information for everybody. I struggled for so long with this story that women are crazy and emotional and they're psycho and they're all these superpowers that we were talking about before have been pathologized into negatives. Bitches are crazy, they're stalkers, they're psychos. It's like, we do second, but they're also you mean the synonyms hyper vigilant, sensitive, like this is why our

species is so successful because these bitches were crazy back in the day and they were like, do you hear that noise? Let's get the fuck out of here. You know, so I'm obsessed with how we Pathologize all these incredible traits that we evolved to have to be excellent at surviving anxiety. Anxiety is why we survived. I mean imagine not having a there was no one in tribal times when there was a lion 40 feet away. There was like guys we got to fix this anxiety problem. No, like it's a fuck out of here. Like anxiety is super useful. So I'm obsessed with that for whatever reason. And then I was a little bit obsessed with the ancestral trauma we carry, the things that

we inherited honestly and why, and just from a comedian brain like someone's like that one that bitch is crazy My brain would always go That woman that woman's dad dropped the ball like I always go to the parents and it's just a comedian brain thing Where whenever someone would talk shit about their girlfriend or boyfriend I would be like you know in my therapist training to do this too. She's also a Big part of my 12-step program work where I would be like Complaining about somebody like this girl was gossiping about me and then she settled this mean stuff and she made a negative comment and my therapist would go, sounds like she's in a lot of pain. And I'd be like, what? Like she just would never go there. She would

always go to the root of the thing. So I'm obsessed with the root of the thing and what's behind it, right? So all, if all anger is just sadness, why are we even talking about anger? Why do we ever talk about anger? Because it's all just sadness. It's crazy to talk about what it's been transmuted into, because that's just, it's pointless, right? It's the shrapnel. So epigenetic imprinting I started learning about where essentially whatever neurochemicals a fetus was subjected to in utero they will be born being addicted to. The same way you know we talk about quote crack babies. Babies that are born being addicted to heroin crack whatever drug their mom was doing. You know the neurochemicals we have in our brain we call that the internal

medicine cabinet. They're still drugs. Yeah. They'll be in oxytocin adrenaline. These are drugs. And if your mother, while she was in utero with you, was going through stress, I mean, truly every mother right now in a pandemic, who's pregnant, I can't imagine they're not producing adrenaline cortisol. Your buddy, Hugh Roman, can probably speak more to this.

And so I do know that my mother was in a chaotic situation when I was in utero. I was not planned. It was an acrimonious relationship and I was more addicted to cortisol in adrenaline. And I subconsciously would seek that out and have, you know, chaotic relationships. And, you know, learning about it really helped me forgive myself, because I think for the longest time I was like, well, I guess I'm just crazy. I have it. My pickers off. It's like, no, dude, I'm just addicted to these chemicals. And like the good news is we know what to do. 28 days, you can make a new neural pathway. It's going to suck for like 28 days, but you can totally break an addiction, but I just, there's this over, you

know, I love what you do because you're about growth and edification without over pathologizing people. There's a little bit in this like self-help life coach community where I think there's an over pathologization and over-vict self- victimization where everyone has to have like a mental illness. Right. Now, like everyone has to have like, like it's like they want it all to be sick. You're right. You're right.

You know, because look, it goes back to gets you attention, it gets you followers, it gets you, you know, and I think that it's okay to be okay also. It's okay to not have had things be hard. It's okay to get better. You're so right. You can examine yourself with that over pathologizing. And I think it was like, oh, no, I was just born with an addiction to addiction to adrenaline. It's not that I don't have to be, you know, clinically depressed or bipolar or schizophrenic or I don't have to be all those things. Even though things were bad, they don't have to be worse.

Are they different now? You know, you like in relationships, for example, for you. Really, by the way, I want to go back for a second. I'm really glad you shared that because the more you understand about yourself guys, the more you can begin to change things. And I love what you said about you don't have to suffer in extremes with these things either in order to just want to make some adjustments to your life. And one of the reasons I love watching you, hopefully have a little bit of this is like, you don't have to be defined by your trauma. You don't have to be your only identity. You know, I think it's so exciting when you do unlock the reason you are the way you are. I'm going to go, oh my God, this is not big of a deal.

My mom was just a malignant narcissist, but then you don't have to go around and tell everyone and reinvade the trauma and be defined by it and have a beauty only. Right. Because then everybody, that's when you begin to just operate out of memory and history and your life becomes this pattern. Like there'll be some different external circumstances, but three more years later, you know, things are kind of like they were before, because you're operating out of memory and history,

instead of imagination and vision in the future. And that sounds really corny, but it's an absolute fact, it's just being intentional. Like I'm doing intentionally begin to do this. There's one of the things I know you'll know who he is, but I had a real blessing when I was young. I'm running on a beach in Hawaii, like I won some little contest to go to Hawaii.

First time I've ever been there. I'm getting up to run early. Wayne Dyer is running in the other direction in the morning. I don't know who that is. Oh gosh, you gotta go look him up. Okay, Wayne Dyer is like one of the great all time. I'll just call him a thought leader, thinker. But a lot of the stuff that I believe

and that I teach and stuff was born out of him. Everybody should go look up. Wayne Dyer, he passed away a few years ago. But he had this great bookie wrote called The Power of Intention. I met him really writing it. And I got to tell you, like, self confidence oftentimes for me doesn't come from like my ability

to do something. It comes from my intention to serve. Like a lot of people, their self confidence is contingent on performance. So it becomes this never ending loop of not having any. So if me achieving is gonna have to be predicated on self confidence, but only get it by achieving, I never get there.

Whereas at some point, I just want, you know what, I'm a good guy. I intend to do good, I intend to serve, I intend to make a difference, and I generate a ton of comfort and confidence from my intentions. And then I started to achieve. And now I've got some experience

and now I'm not operating out of memory. So that sounds real theoretical, but all of you, just ask yourself, do I intend to help people am I a good person? I should generate confidence and comfort from that. And not enough people talk about it. It's not a silly change in my life. I'm trying to put it in the the way I would say that so that I

understand it because it took me a second because yes your your mind is wild. I'm enough. Yeah. You know, and often our actions, you know, it took me a long time to realize that not taking an action is an action. I know that's so basic, but it took me so long that not saying something is a very strong statement. And I, because my, what we call a disease in program, I'm fine with saying that, just because it is progressive. And if you don't do anything about it, it will continue. It's about taking an action. and taking an action is a drug.

It is doing something. You want to do something. You want to send that email. You want to even if you're going to make the situation worse, you want to pick up that phone call, even though you have a pit in your stomach, you want to take that drink, you want to, you know, flirt with that girl, you want to DM that person, whatever the action you want to take to get that neurochemical drive and not doing something is oftentimes more valuable than doing something. Even if it's what you're saying,

you know, we say in Eleanor and don't just do something sit there. And if you're doing something and you're motive is to make people like you look, seem like a good person. How often are we doing things just because we want other people to tell other people that we did something nice? I mean, yeah. You know, and or you're being unctuous. So when you say, I don't always have to take an action in order to be a value. It's like sometimes we take actions for the wrong reasons and the wrong motives and they

make us feel like shit about ourselves because we know why we did them, right? So it's like, for me, when I'm like, oh God, why did I just go up to that person and do that thing? And, oh God, I wish I had done nothing. Because now that's gonna corrode myself esteem because now I know I'm full of shit because I did this thing for the wrong reasons. And now, you know.

So, do you ever get out of Sardin Ruktu? Do you ever get out of, because like people like you and I that, I don't know, we're intentionally living. Like most people that listen to my short way, like they're really thinking about their life and what it's going to mean and what they're going to do with it. And I find there's a point where you can almost do too much of that. It's like I speak on stage and you're a comedian. So I don't know for you, but when I watch other people speak, I have

a very hard time just simply enjoying them speaking because I'm watching them work. I'm breaking down. Well, I really like how they move their hands there. Well, watch how they use silence. How cool. They're legit speaker. They use silence or their sentences are different words. So they don't have the same patterns or they change your

eye line. And so have a hard time. And I think in life, all of you that are evaluated or so, you have to be careful not to be in constant analysis of yourself and just be sometimes too, right? I'm wondering how that's shown up for you. How are you different now in your 30s in a relationship than you were in your 20s

with a significant other? How are you different that way? That's a great question. I'm gonna try to do my best to answer it. I do really want to say, I do want to say real quick about what you just said, you know, my theory about why comedians are so miserable, you know, everyone says comedians are miserable. It's because we can't enjoy comedy because we watch it the way you watch speakers, you know, it's like I can't, I can't watch movie. I make movies. I can't watch movies anymore because I'm too busy going like oh the sound is off and

their continuity is off and that extra it's like I'm so over analyzing it that the I make escape this things for a living now I can't escape because escape is things are my job. Yes, and I think that can I gotta tell you and I think that can show up in relationships too where you're in the midst of analyzing it all this time instead of being in it and maybe even analyzing ourselves. Yeah, no, it's interesting. You know, it's and for everybody listening, you're all, you're the chosen ones. You know, you're the ones that have chosen. Once you see yourself, you can't unsee yourself. Once you decide to be the awake ones, you can't go back to sleep.

You know, you can, you know, they say that the people that leave rehab that always relapse the hardest because they've gotten some knowledge they can't unknow and so they have to relapse even harder. They have to do even more drugs because now they have been enlightened. You know, you can't unknow something.

You can unlearn, you can, you know, weaken a muscle or a neural pathway, but there's kind of no going back once you've analyzed yourself, you know. For me, I think what I will say is in my 20s, I was, you know, and I wrote about this in my book and people know this, like I was identified now as a love addict who, you know know, which I'm not gonna explain it well. For all of you, there are people that talk about it much more elegantly than I will, but for me, it manifested in.

You put someone on a pedestal, you kind of ignore red flags, you project onto people, you're attracted to people who have the negative qualities of your primary caretakers to sort of, you know, we call it unfinished business, you know, like the people that sort of poke at your invisible wounds and recreate your childhood circumstances so you can go back into that role and your inner child is kind of running the show and they give you that familiar blend of adrenaline and cortisol and security. And you have to audition for their approval every day and

you know, it's they just give you drugs. They make you, you know, restless, irritable, discontent, all the things that give you the adrenaline you need. It's not real love. I always want to get into the semantic argument. I'm like, it's not love addiction because it's not love. So you can't call it love addiction, you know, because that's what that love is. It's, you know, and it's, you're not operating from a place of choice.

It's making your life unmanageable. You're in meetings, checking your phone to see if you texted. It's, I like to define addiction as the way it's defined in program. They say something that's making your life unmanageable. But also, when it stops being a choice, and when it stops being fun. You know, we've all fell in love with people that we don't like.

So that might be the biggest difference. I think when I was in my 20s, I was in love with a lot of people that I didn't respect or like. I think I conflated love and pity. Big one. I also got, dried myself worth from how useful and I was and how much someone else needed me. I conflated co-dependence and interdependence for those of you watching. I didn't make this up, but Georgia, my therapist in 12-step sponsor tells me relationships. I'm holding my hands, sort of, right, by my, for the people listening, should look like this.

They shouldn't look like this. So, if two trains are on two separate tracks, they can go forever, but as soon as they move together, they'll crash, right? So, she would hold out her hand and say, if you hold something like this, if your hands flat, if you hold a handful of sand like this, you can hold it forever, but if you hold it like this, you're gonna lose it. If you chase something, you're gonna chase it away. So it took me so long to understand,

only do 50% in your relationships. I thought it was, I was the person that was like, when you'd say why did it end? I'd say, well, I just loved him too much. That's like the tell tale sign of an unrecovered codependent, right? You think you're someone's mother, you're someone's psychiatrist,

you're their financial advisor, you know, it's incest, basically. I wanted someone that needed me, that was a mess, like I had this sort of romanticized, very sick idea of what love was supposed to look like. And I wanted it to be based in need instead of want and obligation instead of choice. And I was so afraid of abandonment that I would manipulate. I mean, this is sort of like the, you know, why what I've been working on is not manipulating but

giling because this is what we do, you know, it's interesting. Like it took me a long time to realize like if you're not going to be authentic with somebody, you're, you know, all of this stuff you talk about, you know, service and giving and being authentic, if it helps anyone, it's selfish. You win, you both win, everybody wins. Because if I'm gonna show up and be inauthentic and masquerade is someone I'm not and charm you and baggile you,

and then let's say I get you, you know, I always wonder why I have you. Well, is it just because I tricked you? And then I'm gonna go like, I'm gonna lose respect for you because I'm like, you fell for that. You know what I mean? So it's like, I would very much show up as the person.

I thought they wanted shape shift into what I thought they wanted and then be angry, co-dependent spreads resentment. Then I'd be angry that they didn't want my authentic self but I never gave them the option to meet that person. They, you know, I do. I don't know that, I mean, I were talking like we're letting the world in here. I don't know that I still don't do that a little bit in my friendships.

Yeah. I still think I do that a little bit. I morph maybe a little bit more. It's funny. I just think about it as you're saying it like, do I have any of that? Yeah, I do. And my some of my friendships. I think there's a difference between morphing

and striving for harmony and choosing your battles. Like, it took me a long time to realize that, like, authentic doesn't mean like combative. Like, because I used to just agree with what ever anybody said. It was like, okay, that's your opinion. Yeah, totally. Or I would laugh at your jokes that weren't funny.

Just anything to create harmony and connection, right? Because I just wanna be loved by you and I just want us to be soulmates. Like, I just want us to be entrenched right away. Even though I already have too many friends and don't have time to see any of them. Why am I trying to make new people fall in love with me? I don't have time for the people I have.

And it's like being a hoarder or something. But. Can I say something on that? That's a place to evaluate. Do you have any friends I'm asking the audience that like you've kept his friends, but yet it's like tons of work to be around them. Like I have, it's like five years ago.

And by the way, I hope these friends of mine that we're not quite as close to don't assume it was them. But I was like, I really, I do laugh at all these things you say that aren't funny. And like, I am this version of me. I don't even really know or like when I'm with you, yet I keep seeing you all the time.

And I only have so many days left. And so I've done that in my friendship, exactly what you're describing. What, would you want someone to do that to you? No. I mean, think about how insincere and hollow those lunches were to some extent. And by the way, they're not bad people at all. They just weren't the people that should be in my energy field at that time during my life.

They just want to set them free. Set them free. Yeah. Like that's the other thing is that like, you know, give them the dignity of their own experience. Like, I don't like hanging out with you, but someone does, you know, like, what is this? Why am I acting? You know, it took me so long to realize that friendships should not deplete you. You should not leave feeling depleted. You should be able to leave it any moment.

You should be able to cancel if you need to. You should be able to talk every three weeks. If that's when you're available, they should not feel like obligations. Like, I have a job. I have many jobs. Like, it's taken me a long time to realize that friendships should not feel like work. And I should not be faking it in bed or with my friends. It's weird, because I was, I had a joke, something about like, don't fake orgasms.

And then I found myself in a friendship, like laughing at jokes and we're funny. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm with a friend. This is so gross. And like, you know, we're dying. Also, we're literally dying. I, there's no profound way to say this. There's no science. There's, we're truly dying. And I, I do hope, you know, your listeners, it doesn't take losing someone to get this kind of clarity, but I did lose my data a couple of years ago, and I'm trying to figure out a way how to convey to people, get that my dad just died

clarity now, because people would be like, do you wanna go on a hike and I'd be like, no thanks. People like, do you wanna get a coffee? I'd be like, nope, like I don't, I don you want to go on a hike? And I'd be like, no thanks. People like, do you want to get a coffee? I'd be like, nope. Like I don't, I don't want to. I didn't realize how much I did out of obligation. And something that helped me, a tool that helped me was the answers usually now.

It's you, it's mostly now. And I think that there's this, there's this, like, there was this like self-help thing for a while where I was like, just say yes to everything. And I was that there's this, there's this, like, there was this, like, self-help thing for a while, where I was like, just say yes to everything. And I was like, what? Like, I made me fucking crazy. I was like, yes, say yes to a job before you're ready. If you think you're not ready, like,

say yes to taking risks. I know that this is a tricky territory, and neurotic people are gonna like get lost in the weeds here, but you know what I'm saying. I do. The answer is usually no. You have so much less time than you think you have. And anything that feels like an obligation that's not paying your bills,

assume the answer's no. And then if you want to say yes later, you can always change your mind. Whereas I think we say yes, and then go, I can always cancel later. Okay, that is one of the most awesome things ever said on my show, never said on my show, 1 billion percent endorsed in this truth. I'm sorry about your dad, and I relate. I'm, my dad's not doing well right now,

and been sick for a long time and not doing well. And it's interesting that since he got sick, which is about four years ago, is when I've had this epiphany, like when you're dying of cancer, you don't have any time to be having lunches or conversations with people anymore out of obligation. And it's like, I've just learned the lesson.

And to Whitney's point, don't wait for some moment like that to just start, you know, live a little bit more intentionally, like be around the people, and be in your spirit. Would you want someone to have lunch with you because they felt obligated?

I love that reversal. Like, no, how? I mean, I'm so embarrassed. around the people who see your spirit. Would you want someone to have lunch with you because they felt obligated? I love that reversal. Like no, how? I be so embarrassed. Yes. If someone was having lunch with me just because they didn't have their priorities straight, and you're wasting my time too,

it's, we think it's nice. It's disrespectful. You're wasting their time. It's like, you know, to your point about my relationships in my 20s versus now, I was the person that was like, I don't wanna hurt their feelings. Like, I'll just stay with them longer. You're, that's the meanest thing you can do.

You're stealing their life because you think you're, quote, being nice. Yeah, so good. It's the most selfish rude thing you can do. And yeah, I think it took me so long. And I think just because your fans and you are so focused on tools, it's taken me so long to have pause.

We're such go, go, go people, right? So ambitious, I'm gonna achieve my dreams. I'm gonna get this boom, we're on email, we're fucking, you know, all your fans are very high functioning, you know, but we wanna go, yeah, I'll do that, I'll do that. And we sometimes equate busyness with success, we equate really busy schedules with success.

Get a couple catch phrases. I used to have them written in Post-It Notes on my computer of how to say no elegantly and how to stall and have pause when someone asks you to do. So I mean, you went through this for a year with me, probably, which is why it took me so long to get here with you because I want to show up fully and I don't want to disrespect your time by saying yes

before I'm ready and before I'm fully capable of showing up for you in an optimal way. If I did this even a month ago, I don't think I could have been as had as much wisdom to share with your followers. Saying no is selfish. It's actually the nice thing to do sometimes, but have no is hard. I know, especially as women, we want to walk on eggshells, we don't want people to not like us, we think it's harsh, we're bitches, we're cunts, whatever is in our mind.

You know what, I'm a capacity right now. Can I let you know in a month. Gosh, you know what, I don't know. I'm not short. We're so programmed to think that it's a weakness to say you don't know something. Yeah, we're programmed to believe that we're like dumb or stupid or like we Think we're pariahs if we don't know something. I'm not sure right now. Can I please get back to you? Can I put a pin in this? Can we circle back in three months? Like just pause? We say yes too often and good people with good hearts go, well, I said yes to that. So now I have to do it. So true. And because you're a good person. Yeah, you're so right. And a couple of things about like the saying, you don't know something like even in a

from a business perspective, always find I trust somebody more who says that to me, then can answer every single question. I like when I ask you like three or four things, like one of them you go, I'm not completely sure. Let me find that out for you. I can believe everything else. You said I just believe the other stuff. And the other thing we equate to achievement guys is acquisitions of acquired a new level. I acquired more money. I acquired this new friend. The more we like acquire things. And I think to your point, sometimes it's the complete antithesis of that that would bring us more happiness, which is a little less acquisition of people, less acquisition of meetings, et cetera.

So I love that. So we were on this. Yeah, less. And can I can I can I share this just with your followers really quick? Yes. Because I and I think you might like it. You know, because I think we are go getters with a badass is where the type A get after it. Be smooth. You know, we're those people

There's this I can't have a conversation with anyone on a podcast without bringing up animals And because we talked the first thing I did after my dad passed was I was compelled to go to this sanctuary called wolf connection in right outside LA and there's a pack of wolves. And they are all rescued from people that fought them, whatever does it matter.

And they'll have at-risk youth come and work with them and communicate through them. And the first thing they ask is they say which one is the alpha of the pack? Of a wolf pack, right? Because they're all in, you know, enclosures and one of them's digging and one of them sleeping and one of them's shitting and one of them's barking and one of them's crying and one of them's You know building and one of them scratching and one of them's eating the book and they say which ones alpha And you go, oh the one barking. I'm like, nope, I'm like shit. I'm like, oh the one scratching. Oh the one eating. That's the alpha. Nope. The one sleeping

The alpha sleeps. So More is not better. I knew it. I thought you liked that. I thought you liked that. So good. So good. The less you do, the more powerful you are, the more,

the more you're doing, you're actually the Omega, you're serving other people. Oh, boy. Asking for help, saying, I don't know, how other people do your work for you? You doing it all. You're just martyring yourself. So I'm going to tell you how powerful this is.

I'm in a little bit of a dark space right now, because we just moved, right? My two are in a dungeon. You're in a system. They said, turn the lights down so they'll fix a little bit in post. But so we've moved, like just a couple of times, the last few months.

I just want to show everybody this if you're a YouTube. I'm going to be legit with you guys. If you can see this, see that? There's boxes. If you're on iTunes or Spotify, there's boxes. That's why your protein powder is or something. There's protein, creatine, probably some of the steroids you listed earlier, but we're not going to go there today. And what? Here's what's crazy about this move I've had. Any of you ever have this? By the way, we moved three weeks ago. There's still boxes everywhere,

and we're lucky enough I have the people. I'm gonna ask what city you live in. I don't know. I'm in Laguna Beach. Oh nice. Doesn't suck. There's like an ocean one foot for me that could have been our background today

where I do most of the interviews, but I chose the dungeon. But the point guys is there's boxes all over my house, and if you move like this, these are all acquisitions of stuff. I will probably never use any of the things in any of these boxes ever again, but I keep acquiring more things that I just move to the same spaces. And we do this in our life where it's more and more and more and more that takes up all this space in our life. This is actually a really beautiful room. If there wasn't all this shit in it. And

this is a really beautiful life. If you didn't have all these boxes of stuff and achievements and people that you really don't need to be there now, I think some things are good. And I think it's okay to say that. Like I do derive energy from things like not like fancy things. I mean, you guys see the way I dress. I shop at thrift stores and stuff. I don't close, don't do it for me, purses and shoes. But I love animal statues. Like I collect animals.

Like I think it's just having meaning in your stuff. Like I don't like shaming people that want stuff because I grow up without stuff. I grew up poor and I like a nice thing. No, I probably air, I totally agree. When I say no, me, no, I probably, I totally agree. When I say no, me, no, I don't mind you pointing that out. It's probably important. Like if someone's only listened to one of my shows,

then I think what I'm saying really does need clarification. If they listen to a lot of them, they know. Oh, they know you, yeah, yeah. But no, no, no, but your point is well taken. Because I think when I first started on social media, you know, I didn't know what part of me I wanted to reveal. And so, you know, I'd always, there'd be showing my jet and all this stuff I had.

And people that knew me, in fact, once I signed with management, they're like, it's really weird. Like, you're nothing like what your social media looks like. And so I think maybe I airs sometimes the other way. Hey, if like, having, by the way, if it's expensive stuff and that's what makes you happy and you love that stuff, wonderful. Go get a jet. Go get a beach house. And here's what I'll say. I think what I'm getting to is be intentional about it, and use it as a way to crystallize your work ethic or as gratitude. I think, you know, when I first started getting success,

I didn't enjoy it. I felt scared it was gonna go away. I wouldn't spend money. And that fear was thwarting me. So for me, sometimes spending money on stuff was my way of having faith that I would continue. It was a form of gratitude and a form of celebration. I just try to be really meticulous about like,

okay, I want this thing. I'm gonna get it when I achieve this thing. And now, like I got this rhino, this vintage rhino statue that I wanted. It's, I know, I'm such an idiot. With my, and I was like, when I finished the script, I'm gonna buy this thing that I want, and it's gonna remind me of this thing I achieved.

It's great. I think, I just, I love what you're saying because I think don't spend money on mindless shit that's just gonna be clutter and a future chore. Like be mindful and how you spend and what you buy and make it have meaning and use it as a way to celebrate yourself and remind yourself of all the awesome shit you've done. No question. Like you've done awesome shit dude. Like you've done awesome shit, dude. Like you're a fucking maniac, dude.

Like I do, you do have a bunch of fucking boxes all around you, but like I hope you look at them and go look at all this shit I've built. I do, I think everything happens like in stages, you know, like you catch people different times in their life. Like if we went back 10 years, like at that point in my life, I think sometimes we get filled with something and then there's another need.

Maybe we're looking, it's not, by the way, there's nothing wrong with like pursuing significance. If that's what, this is something I was interested, I was like, what am I, what is he gonna talk to me about? I wasn't sure.

And I thought of, there's this shame, people have, all people want to success, and then they get it and then they have shame around it. Poster fucking jet. What, why else, I'm not to listen to you if you're not a jet. Why am I going to buy a book from a guy that doesn't have his own jet? Like I'm not going to, what do you think I'm going to follow a guy in a Ford Fiesta? Like what I, I, I, I, I, I, I, there's validation to it. But no, no, no, 100% like I would have no followers had that jet not been on my stuff in the very

beginning. Like, okay, so why can't this? Why is it this guy six? Why am I taking money advice from a guy that doesn't have it? It's, but I, I do think the need seems out of great Rob Deerick is a dear friend of mine. And we're business partners in a company. And when we met, we're talking about these needs you have. It's so awesome what you're saying this. And, and I said, he goes, you know, man, when I was young, I was all about significance.

I was a skateboarder. I was on TV and it was all about that. And now I'm really into contributing. I said, me goes, you know, man, when I was young, I was all about significance. I was a skateboarder, I was on TV and it was all about that. And now I'm really into contributing. I said, me too, man, like I've really been filled up with significance and, you know, all of that. But I'm a real contributor. We're at a Rams game once and he turns me and he goes, I can't just say something to you

and want to tell you this for too much. He goes, we're totally full of shit. And I'm like, what do you mean he goes, we just get significance from contributing now. And that's okay too. Like, he goes, we just get significance from contributing now. And that's okay too. Like, he goes, I still get significance. It's just the same stuff that brings me that dopamine isn't what it used to be.

Now when I really help somebody, I feel I'm a little bit more significant. So it's like stages of life is sort of, I think what you want. And like I am proud that I have a jet. I mean, like it's great validation. Same time, there's stuff in these boxes here that don't serve me anymore.

And I'm never gonna open them up again. I'm not even looking up. They're in the box to your point. There's a poster right here of Maximus from Gladiator. My son's name's Maximus. No. We went into labor the night we watched that. Like that's meant, like of course I wanna see that

to your point too. That's weird to anybody else. Why's a grown man have a gladiator poster in his office? You mean, you're supposed to be here, right? So, but I want to tell you your career really quick. We're going to go a little bit over if I won't be respectful of your time. It can we go a few minutes because I want to ask you about this. Yes, but I want to say one other thing. Give me it. About the your buddy and just your listeners. Like, I really did want to make sure that I didn't shit the bed on this interview.

You're not, you're not. Just like if you wanna be famous, say it. It's okay, if you wanna be rich, just everyone's like wanna accomplish their dreams. I'm like you have to get maybe this little segue into my career, you have to be specific about what you want. It's shameful to say I wanna be rich and I wanna be famous. But if you can't acknowledge that, you have to figure out what the fuck you want to get.

And saying, I want a plane. I want to be rich. I want to be famous. Be okay with saying that because there's nothing wrong with being rich or famous. There's this weird, if you've inherited your money, I probably don't like you as much. I like people that earn their own money. I don't do well with, I don't do well people that were born into money. We just start to the world and say, we don't see the world the same way. Like you're probably a criminal and a con artist. You know what I mean?

You're a parent. I'm just saying your parents probably made money in pharmaceuticals like killing my family members. I'm sure I hate you. But if you have earned your own money, like there's nothing wrong with wanting to be famous. It's like, oh, she's just posting pictures of herself to try to be famous.

Good. Famous means influence. It means power. It means I can go rescue more freaking elephants. I have no shame around wanting money and wanting fame. And we have to get, we can't enter in this conversation about achievement and everything that you do while still having shame about achievement.

Yeah, I think that's amazing. If you to ask me that on my show, the first person to point that out would be on camera most of the time and kind of in Hollywood, I would be very surprised by that when I'm glad that it's you. And so, and I, 1000% totally agree with you.

Your career though, I wanna just, I like, I'm, that's how I know you. And so, I've watched your specials, I've, you know, your show I watched, I know you've had lots of shows, but I like, from the very beginning, this is so corny, there's something about you that's connecting interesting energy transfer.

There's something like, I don't know. I mean, I don't know that I'm even your demo. I don't know, like I really familiar with you and I've always been very fascinated with you. And that's why I wanted you on the show It's a cool thing you know this a cool thing. I'm having a show once it does pretty well. You're like I can kind of Talk to someone I've wanted to talk to and know them and and so you've been that person for me and that you know This it's not I'm not just saying to be nice like I bet enough people have to reach out to you and they're like all right

I'll do it so I You weren't like and you've had a lot of successes. And I think sometimes when someone sees somebody that's had multiple successes like you have, I think most people quit. Most people don't quit the first rejection. That's not true. But most people do quit the second or third.

So, either most entrepreneurs, it's not the first one if you want something, but it's like two, three, four. All right, I'm out. It's not meant to be. you want something, but it's like two, three, four. All right, I'm out. It's not meant to be. This isn't God's will. You just start thinking these bizarre messages. And so someone like you that look like an overnight success, who also, by the way, everybody, long statement has been relevant a long time.

Also, a long time. Tell us about it. Like, how many pitches did you have to do or pilots to get one show? I don't even know the answer. Yeah, I'm going to try to be helpful and not too inside baseball. When I listen to podcasts about athletes or people that are not on my field and they start getting so inside, and I'm like, I'm going to try to keep it as relatable as possible. keep it as relatable as possible. First of all, I do have, I am a sadistic person.

And I do think that's part of it. I grew up being rejected a lot by my dad. I did. Rejection to me is, I get off on rejection a little bit. It, you know, if you can wire your brain to do that, or to just view rejection as like one step closer, every no is one step closer to res. Like I get excited when I get rejected because I'm like, oh great, that one's out of the way.

You know, like I get off on it, like I just change the way I view it instead of rejecting things, give up. It's like, why give up now? I'm so much closer. It's like passing an exit when you're driving on the freeway. It's like, well, I'm almost at my exit. I just passed a bunch, you know what I'm saying?

Like, that's how I see rejection. And that might be sick. Yeah. And it's also as rejection is, you know, this is something that they say in 12 step programs, rejection is God's protection. Like being in a program for eight years, rewiring my brain that every time someone rejects you,

like the universe is actually protecting you from something that you shouldn't be doing. And it's toughening you up. I played sports. I, you know, very competitively played basketball. My dad, like, there was no giving up. You just don't give up. Like, it was just not something. I also, you know, I think that as you get older, you, a lot of the things that we think were abuse. I think that as you get older, a lot of the things that we think were abuse sometimes are actually helping us. I had this to Piffini recently. My mom used to take me to work with her after school.

I never got to go hang out with my friends. I had to go to my mom, I worked at Bloomingdale's and I'd have to go sit in her office. And I was so bored. And she was working and I would sit and play with safety pins and pans and do bored and she was working and I would like sit and play with like safety pins and pans and like doodle and draunch would keep me there for like eight at night and I would like so bored

and I remember being so angry that I didn't get to have like a normal childhood where I got to like play with friends after school. I had to like, I didn't have a babysitter because we couldn't afford it and then I looked back and I go, oh my God, I got to watch a woman at work. My whole childhood, I was in a woman's office. That thing that I thought was so bad for me was building and sketching the blueprint of what I think how a woman, how necessary

a woman should be in the world. She was running around, she wasn't paying attention to me because she was busy and needed. And I was learning that women should be needed and busy and they're important and they're vital. So I was like, whoa, to like bloom my mind, how my perception, sorry, shift it. No one thing about that, I want you to keep going, is that I'm a big believer of the older I get that a lot of the best lessons in life are caught. They're not taught.

Just stuff like that you just you just catch things right like I caught things my dad's drinking. The biggest gift of my dad's drinking because I was a real little boy was I would have to read my dad at like four or five when he'd come home. Yeah, which one am I getting am I getting happy dad who wants to play with me or dad who wasn't so joyous, right? And that taught me this ability. I have very few gifts. One of my gifts is that I have empathy for people, but also I read people pretty well. And I started doing it at four or five, six years old. I don't have an alcoholic dad.

I don't have that necessity. I don't catch that skill set. And that empathy is kind of important because the combination of, I look pretty intense, right? And so the duality of maybe my personality and what I look like sort of serves me, same with you, by the way. And so I just want to second what you were saying.

I don't want to cut you off on going through your career, but I similarly respond the same way. And that's obviously true with you with your moms. So that's that everyone should be thinking of what theirs is as you're explaining yours there. So go ahead. Yeah, and, and, and, you know, exactly. And, um, and I think that we can all do this. We can all, you know, what if it's a gift? What if it wasn't that bad? What if, you know, after, you know, the way that my sort of development has happened is it's been like, I was in complete denial of all the bad things that happened to me that I was a kid. I was in denial. Everything's fine. Don't want it to be a victim, won't acknowledge it. All of my maladaptive behaviors and armor were really at work to make it

so that I didn't have to feel any pain. And then I had to acknowledge what happened. A lot of bad shit didn't happen. I was a kid, a lot of inappropriate shit happened when I was a kid. I have to feel the feelings, I have to cry it out. And now, what if it was a gift? Like, what if? Why not? Have it be a gift.

Like, what if, you know, since we're talking about the career thing, the first kind of the show that a lot of people really responded to that I made it was called two broke girls and it really resonated with people and I worked with Michael Patrick King he did sex in the city he did the comeback, you know, and we'd be working together and he helped me rewire my brain because I would go, well, you know, this will happen and then this will happen and then he would go, or not, or like, or not. And sometimes for me, it's just, he hates me, that person doesn't like me, or not. My childhood's not, or not, like, just, or not. You know what I'm saying? So it's a, or, or these were all gifts and I just haven't unwrapped them yet.

So get, so acknowledge the childhood stuff, examine yourself, and then move the fuck on. Close the book, you've read the book already. Why are you reading it? Why are we watching this movie again? We've seen it, you know what I'm saying? So I think it's like just about accepting, and then releasing, you know, and not saying,

staying stuck. The career stuff, I had so many rejections, but also I never thought things were going to be easy. Like I do, I don't feel like I deserve a bunch of credit for being so resilient. Like my dad, you know, again, all the things that I thought, talked about my dad, I now look back and go, oh my God, that was the best thing he could have said. And even though at the time it felt like I wasn't getting the love I needed or wanted or saw in Disney movies or wherever I got my idea

of what love is supposed to look like, he used to always say life's not fair. And he would do like crazy, crazy shit. We would leave an ice cream parlor and my ice cream would fall off. And he'd be like, well, life's not fair. We wouldn't go back in and leave an ice cream parlor and my ice cream would fall off. And he'd be like, well, life's not fair. We wouldn't go back in and get more ice cream. He'd be like, life's not fair. And he'd be like, well, you can eat it off the ground. And I'd be like, well, my sisters are still on her. And she'd be like, life's not fair.

Like, he drilled into my brain. Which today, that would be like child abuse. Like, he would like go to jail. He would be like publicly shamed on Facebook and people would find him and fire him from his job. But like he very early wanted me to know that life was not fair. And that I don't deserve it all. And I'm not gonna get everything I deserve. And so I never had that entitlement.

Like I before I had got any amodicum of success, I had written, I wanna say three pilots that didn't even get picked up. I sold a pilot that got picked up that didn't go. I mean, I've mostly failed. It's just that my successes have been amplified, so people think I'm successful. I'm a giant failure.

You've just only know about the successes. That's all. First off, before I ask you the last question, I just want to say first, thank you. So I don't want to forget to do that. Because for me, I have some guests on to serve the audience. I have guests on sometimes. I have a funny feeling this person can help me.

And you do. And you did. And you will continue to. And so hopefully I can reciprocate that somehow. I really loved today. Go follow Whitney on Instagram guys and then you'll see she's got tours coming up and other projects and you can find everything on there but I want to ask you last if I can. The I think mainly the people listening to this are trying to pursue a dream, whatever it could be. It could be the entertainment business. It could be it could be

Entrepreneurship, you know, and they're an athlete and they're like hey, and it's covid This is difficult time, you know, there's all the strife in the news Biden Trump we've got all these social justice issues. We need to wrestle with and fix and improve It's just a lot, right? And most of it is very worthy of our attention, very worthy of our energy, but also so was our own dream, so was our own life, so was our own self-care. What advice would you just give in general? Someone ran into you, they got three minutes at Starbucks and said, hey, I got a dream

I want to pursue. You've obviously made several of yours come true. You know, what advice would you give me as I start to pursue this thing? Well, if people don't think you're crazy, we have a problem. Keep work so hard people think you're crazy. That's when things start happening for me

when people are like, Whitney is gone create. Like, if people think you're normal, then you're not working hard enough. I don't know, like just, it just, does that make sense? Like it's just like, things should, it should feel uncomfortable. You should be uncomfortable all the time.

You should feel like you're jumping off a cliff all the time or else you're not taking enough risks. Like you should be in a constant state of, holy shit, am I gonna embarrass myself? Holy shit, am I ever gonna pull this off? You should always have that pit in your stomach. That anxiety we're all fighting. You should have anxiety all,

like if you're really going for your dreams. You know, the other thing I would say is really, it's gonna be very unoriginal. And I'm gonna steal the Serenity prayer from the 12 step program Which I say to myself all the time because we waste so much time on things we can't control You can't control the news you can't control people's opinions on Twitter You can't we have this false sense of participation in life and society and progress and relevance and Feeling like we belong or doing something by just being self-righteous

and in-dignant and fighting with people at parties over politics. It does nothing except stress you out and we can your immune system. It's not helping anyone. So the serenity prayer I go back to, it's very simple. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. grant me this to run it to accept the things I cannot change, change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So even if you're not a 12 step program, I'm not saying get in one, it's free medicine, I love it, but grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So figure out what you can control, what you can't control, write a list down, and if you can't control it,

don't spend any energy on it. You're wasting your bandwidth. So good. I wanna do it again. We'll wait a little bit, and then we're gonna have you on again, because it's too good. And I also, if I may just really quick say,

thank you, I grew up in a time and with a father that was a big strong man that couldn't be vulnerable or you talking about your feelings and emotions and insecurities and is going to fix a lot of things. Thank you. Men feeling like it's, you're a bitch or you're a pussy if you talk about your feelings is such a big problem. And so thank you for what you do. Thank you.

So cool. Guys follow her and support her, support her work. And if you have you not had a chance to watch any of her specials or something, just go do that right away. I'm telling you they're so good. I'm Netflix and I'm a podcast. The whole thing. You.

You. Podcasts awesome too. All right. Hey, everybody, I want to just remind you every day, I run the max out two minute drill on Instagram. Make sure you follow me there, turn your notifications on. When I post, make a comment the first two minutes, reply to comments, do it every day, you get all kinds of cool stuff, including maybe flying on that jet we talked about earlier. And you might get a max out hat.

Yes, please. I need something to cover up this disaster's hair. Yes, please. I think the next time you see her, I have a hunch that it won't be paint hair and she's working on something new. So that's just another issue. And also find me a husband, thank you.

Find her a hubby. I can help you with that. I'll do that. You know, I'm talking to you. Okay, I thought you meant that. Couple of mine have you. Find me a husband. You know, a lot of DMs.

You're a high achieving Laguna Beach friend. There you go. I think the DMs are blowing up for you right now. Alright everybody, God bless you, Max out. Thanks, Ed. This is The End of My Little Show. you