The Edge Breakfast - ONLY FANS I Can't Crap In My Own House

Episode Date: March 23, 2025

This is a podcast from Rover. Buckle up, lower your standards and prepare to question everything. This is Clint, Meg and Dan's OnlyFans. Podcast, that is. Hey everyone, welcome to the OnlyFans podcast. Appreciate you tuning in. Things are going pretty well behind the scenes, according to our boss. He's very happy about how many of you are listening to this.

Yeah, but we could always do with more. So if you want to subscribe, hit the bell icon, like us, and it helps with the insights. It really does. You're asking a little bit much. Do you you want to subscribe, hit the bell icon, like us, and it helps with the insights. It really does. You're asking a little bit much. Do you want them to subscribe and like? Well, it's just two buttons at the very top if you're listening on Spotify. As long as they're close, sure. Yeah, just make sure you're just getting the notifications.

And this podcast... You said it was a goodie. Now, I must say that Dan, like, he just had to leave the studio for a few seconds. He goes, Meg, boy, have I got a fucking dedication of the century for you. Well, they're all good dedications. I don't want to minimise anyone that has had dedications in the past, but I just wanted to shout out Chanel Charlton.

Chanel Charlton, who posted, she's a rising contributor. She's been there for a while, but she posted just the other day about a coincidence which I wanted to run past you both. Oh yeah, we do love the old beat that coincidence, if you've got a goodie. Chantelle Charlton. So she says, sorry, I think I have the best coincidence. Okay. End of last year

my brother came over from Seattle and while here he attended my daughter's rectical. Recital. How did you fuck that up so badly? I was like, holy shit man, I've got a close family, but none of my families are doing that. Dan, pre-read, pre-read, pre-read. Recital.

She's you, you haven't got a doozy. It doesn't look like recycle either. Recital. But it does look like, anyway. How would you? It's going to get made into a video. It's going. But it does look like... Anyway. How would you... Oh, no, we're not going to ask. That's going to get made into a video. It's going to be on the internet, you idiot. Forever.

I'm going to make sure I'm going to write that. I'm not one to judge about if you're going to your daughter's reticle or not. Okay? So they went to her recital. While outside... You idiot. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. You know I'm a terrible reader. While outside, waiting to get my brother. Hold on. While outside to get her, my brother looked to his left, just like you do normally. Okay, so he's just looked to his left. And it was his neighbor from Seattle standing next to him. Now, that is a coincidence.

He's come over from Seattle to New Zealand. He's watching his recital in the middle of New Zealand. His neighbour from Seattle next to him. Hell of a story. They were at a rectal exam and he was there. Yeah, I mean. He pulls it down, he's the doctor. The neighbour's the doctor.

I recognise that rectum. That's my guy. That's me. Yeah. Okay, so that obviously the neighbour and them had both booked flights to New Zealand, unknowingly spoken, had never spoken about it, and then it turns out they're exact same recital

because they obviously knew people that were in there. Yeah. They really need to spell recital differently because it does look like rectical. That is, yeah, it's pretty bloody.

It's pretty good. Bonkers, that. So anyway, this podcast going out to you, Chantel, love you to bits, you're gorgeous and I tell you what,

Chantel is fantastic. She's been there for so long. She'd be a subscriber. Blonde hair, blonde hair and it looks like in your profile picture you're star jumping. That's how I remember you, Chantal. Yeah, and she's an angel

in one of her pics as well. She's got like a lovely little angel. Oh, like literally. Oh, okay. Oh, Guy loved his dedication, by the way. He hadn't listened to that podcast, so I put it on in the car when we were driving and I should have recorded his face when he realised it was getting dedicated. It was really sweet.

So I get it. I get the dedication. It's making you feel special. Your husband got a dedication, and then we started talking about how many people he's shown his butthole to, or did you stop it before that? No, no. I did remember that.

That's when we went into it when we were already listening, and I was like, oh, we're in it now. So did he appreciate it or not appreciate it that you talked about how many people have seen his poo dot? I don't know the fact we're talking about it again. The only thing he was

like smug about is that Hannah's thinking about it Dan's wife. Oh, she's not filling up her whole brain. I'm just saying he thought about it

months later. If you don't know what we're talking about you need to go back and listen to the OnlyFans from, was it Friday? Yeah, well, no, it would have been

Thursday. Thursday's OnlyFans podcast. Yeah, I guess we get very candid about the amount of people that have seen Meg's husband naked and some of his intimate bits. I've got a question for you guys, actually. And there might be people listening that could back me up on this. You'd have to do it on the podcast fan page. You can just text FAM to 3343.

We've just moved into a new house. Now the house is quite big. It's larger than our old house, but the problem is the thing that the downside of it is, it's only got one toilet. So our old house had two. Okay, I have the one toilet situation too, so go on.

But I think you're used to it. So, Dan's gone, wait me, Dan's gone from two to one. You've always had one. And Hannah and I, my wife, my wife Hannah and I... You don't shit in front of each other. I don't, yeah.

And so here's the thing with Hannah, and Hannah on heart will tell you this, I've never seen any sign that she's got a shitter. She's going to love how you describe that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I've never seen any evidence of anything. Like she's, oh God.

And I like to think of myself as the same. I know she does. I know she does. But I just have never. It's going to change now, boy. It's going to change now. And I like to think that she thinks the same of me. Right.

Sorry, side note. I hate to interrupt, Dan, but does anyone ever do that with people that they find really attractive that you don't want to find attractive anymore? Like if it's a celebrity or someone that you're like, shouldn't be thinking about someone at work in a romantic way if they look really attractive. So you just think of them shitting? Are you pointing to somebody in the office right now? I feel like you're gesturing to a thief. And then you just think of them shitting are you pointing to somebody in the office right now I feel like you're

gesturing to a seat and then you just think of them you're like yeah they shit like everyone else and it humanises them to the point

where I've done that in the past yeah I'm not sure I have done that okay I did one of five was the

only one so that's good and I really want to hear the story Dan because this morning I was getting up

just had my shower going to work brushing my teeth and my husband came in and did shit at five in the morning and I was getting up, just had my shower, going to work brushing my teeth when my husband came in and did shit at 5 in the morning and I was like, and this is I just said, guy and he goes, I don't know

what do you want? I've got to go. And I think maybe I need to get to that point. That's what's going to happen at this point. Why were you brushing your teeth? Yeah, well the thing is I've got, he needed to go, we've got one bathroom, I need to brush my teeth because I'm about to go to work and there's nothing else that can, Yeah, well, the thing is, he needed to go. We've got one bathroom. I need to brush my teeth because I'm about to go to work

and there's nothing else that can... He's like, I'm sorry. He was genuinely sorry and he's like, I'm so sorry. I can't stop it. But the myth is still there for Dan. So that's where you're going to get there. But I don't want that.

I don't want that. I don't want Hannah to see that side of me. I just don't. And it's just me and maybe I'm weird and maybe I'm not. No, it's not weird.

I just don't want, and anyway, so. Wait, she's never seen you, pants around your ankles, sitting on a toilet taking a shit? Never. Ever? Never. That is wild. And I will take that even further.

I don't even think she's ever, like, done, smelt anything. Because I'm so, I'm like a, so here's the thing. Wow. At an old place, I'd do it when I'd have a shower. You'd shit in the shower? No, so I'd go to the toilet first. So my bowels have even gone to the point where now, when we're in the old place, I'd have my shower at night

and my bowels would release that shower. Like I felt like when I'd go into the bathroom, I'd do my ablution, do my toilet, number twos, and then I'd have a shower. That's not what ablution means, though, for anyone who is listening. So Hannah, our whole five years together while living in that house and the previous house, she's never seen evidence because I've just showered and then it's gone. Okay. Now I can't because the toilet's separate and then the shower's separate.

So I have to go into the toilet, do my business, and then come out. And I'm about to admit something, which you guys are going to... Oh, here we go. I have not yet shat at home. Dan, you've lived there for two weeks. I have gone down to the public toilets, which are just down the road, and I've started running again, in quotation marks. So I said to Hannah, I'm going for another run

You're going to get constipated and I'm using that run time to shit in the public toilet Are you getting a colonoscopy? No, why? Why did you ask me about mine the other day? Oh no, fucking me Oh god, it was because I was a bit

backed up I knew it! Because I asked Meg if you had ever had a colonoscopy and I was starting to get worried that I'm just full of shit. I knew it! And so anyway... So he would rather go and get a colonoscopy than shit in his own mouth.

And have a stranger shove a pipe up your ass and let your wife smell you on the toilet. Anyway, you're... You're so weird, dude. I know, I am. weird dude bro I know I am I know I know I am she's not gonna leave you

because your shit stinks wait but we know she knows your shit because you left a shit in that toilet one time at your family's house that was mortifying

fucking mortifying she didn't see me throw it over a bush the toilet didn't flush if anyone hasn't gone back far enough in the OnlyFans he did it

the toilet didn't flush and Dan was like oh shit and far enough in the OnlyFans. He did it. The toilet didn't flush. And Dan was like, oh shit. And then he told his wife that he left it in the toilet after he was like an hour and a half from the house. We were in Topari.

And she made him turn around and go all the way back to fish his shit out. And he had to fling it. And so Dan, I feel like your wife watching you fling your shit. She wasn't looking close at it.

I went into it. She didn't go, let's all both go and look at the poo in the toilet. I went in there and fished it out and she she was in the lounge going, you got it? And I said, yeah. And then she saw me fling it away. She wasn't going.

That's so much worse. That's so much worse than just sitting on a toilet. It's not. You think it's not. You think this chick, your wife, can't smell you grunting on the toilet. I'm not grunting. Jesus, I'm not fucking grunting. You will be with your constipation, mate.

You will be. I promise you. You'll be bushing. I'd rather my wife smell me on the toilet a thousand times before she saw me hurl my own turd down a mountain. Oh, Clint. It wasn't a mountain. It was a bush. Fuck me.

Anyway. Is there anything I can do Has anybody got any Like poo drops Yeah I've got tons of laxatives Of course you fucking do Every type of laxative I have

He doesn't mean laxatives He means I've seen them They're called poo-pourri And you push You put the little drops On the toilet And it creates a film

We've said an omission though there Yeah Yeah I've got tons of laxatives Ow Ow I remember Remember she went to the chemist And asked for one enema Or something had an admission though there. I've got tons of laxatives. I remember she went to the chemist and asked for one enema or something and they gave you like a family pack of seven or something. She's backed up.

Poopery is supposed to create a film and when you do a poop, it goes through the film and then the smell can't come back out. It creates a layer on top of the water. But then you have to hide it in your pocket every time. Otherwise, if you get poo-poo-ry, she'll look at it and go, he's got poo-poo-ry.

I don't want her to think that. You know what I mean? To me, when I see poo-poo-ry in people's houses, it makes me think they shit more so than just seeing a toilet. I'm just ashamed that I've got to this as well, like, to this point. Like, we lived in a small house previously, but the toilet was in the bathroom, so it was a bit easier to hide.

And then when I couldn't use that, I'd go down to the squash club and pee. You can't keep avoiding her forever. It's going to have to happen. It may as well be today. I think it's something like deep-heated seated. Is it that? Deep heat? Don't put any of that fucking anywhere near your toilet or your ass.

No, deep-seated from my childhood. I don't know what it is. I've got some weird thing where I can't poop. Julie, give us a call. Yeah. Why can't he poop in public? I wonder whether it's not necessarily mum but maybe it's something that happened at school where I was on the toilet and someone walked in.

I don't know. It's a weird thing. I have to have perfect conditions to do number twos. Producer Carl, who's just back now, 10.52 was when Dan had an absolute balls up with recital and rectical, which when you go back and listen to the tape, I think will make for a hell of a 15-second Insta story or reel.

Jesus, so recital. Okay, got it. Yeah, great. Awesome. Anyway. Oh, we'll leave it there, it. Yeah, great. Awesome. Anyway. Oh, I'll leave it there, eh? Yeah, leave it there. That's going out to Chantel.

Love you to bits. Okay, let's start placing bets. When do we think Dan will take a dump in the house with his wife present? What day is it? It's the 24th of March. It's going to be a desperate day on the 28th. The good thing is I'm going to need to try and change. When's it starting to rain?

That's when it's starting to get real cold. When we start hitting winter. Around, yeah, maybe August. Dan, it's snow rain? That's when it's starting to get real cold. When we start hitting winter. Around maybe August. Dan, it's snowing. You still going for a run? I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. Yeah, anyway. See you tomorrow. Bye.