The Edge Breakfast - ONLYFANS ADHD Expert Nathan Muller

Episode Date: August 11, 2025

If you're curious about getting support with ADHD coaching, feel free to reach out. [e-mail] nathanmullercoaching.com

This is a podcast from Rover. This is the OnlyFans podcast with Clint, Megan Dan. It's not meant to be as explicit as the actual OnlyFans, but most of the time it is. Sorry, Clint. So don't say cunt, Nathan. Welcome to the OnlyFans. We've got a special guest just wondering what the, you know, the language was on the podcast. He just called Dan, giving him some of the words that he probably couldn't use.

Nathan, welcome. to the OnlyFans podcast. You have a special set of skills that you're going to share with us. Skills that concern, a large portion of New Zealand and something that has... It's in the news a lot.

It's being talked to a lot. It's affected you a lot, Dan. ADHD. It manifests in many different ways. And I think, yeah, there's a lot of people that probably are either listening to this that have been diagnosed with ADHD.

They know someone that is being diagnosed with ADHD or they are thinking maybe I need to hunt down a diagnosis. I think there's always three people on that kind of the people that would be listening. And I think this podcast will be powerful for any of those people in any of those camps. First of all, I just wanted to maybe chat to you around my diagnosis for a start, because I think a lot of people would be in the same boat where you get diagnosed with ADHD,

fine, happy days. You get some medication, riddle in, whatever it is. And then you're sort of, I don't know if this is the norm, but you kind of then just cast out and gone, there you go, good luck. but not really given any tools is to deal with a brain that is ADHD. How old were you when you were diagnosed? Recently, like two years ago.

Oh, wow. So I was an adult diagnosis. So that was your experience. Yeah, and I've always been, I've always had like stuff where I've been like, my brain's different. I don't learn as well. I don't, you know, like certain things that I've kind of gone,

maybe I need to get checked. And I was like quite high on the spectrum of ADHD, it turns out. So yeah, is there any advice you would give to someone that maybe has got a diagnosis? What's the next steps from there? Well, that is the thing, isn't it? like what's next and you had the same thing is that how was it for you when you were going into that so that first year or first six months you're going okay the meds are working but

yeah and to be honest i don't even know if they are working i'll take i'll take riddle in every day and i kind of makes my brain maybe focus a little bit better but in terms of actual difference it's made in my life i would say very minimal it's not like i'm kicking goals anymore than i was before i was diagnosed because you were so good i don't use the word masking but you were just so good at adjusting to get through the day that you are using all this energy to do what you needed to do? Well, I think people that live with ADHD

and probably have for their whole lives and have had a late diagnosis, maybe they haven't been diagnosed. They've just got so used to dealing with what they have that that's just their normal. They probably are quite good at maybe masking it or working with what they've got when they could really be, you know,

like their life could be so much better if they knew how to deal with the brain, right? 100%. I mean, that's the thing is you got, I mean, meds, I take meds. It's like I'm not against, means or for them, I think they're a useful tool, but I describe them as a tool. It's like, it is like dropping an engine into a bigger car when you get the meds.

You get a little bit more throttle, you can focus more, but if you don't actually understand how to drive the car, or if you go back to the same routine as you've been doing for decades in many cases, I was diagnosed two years ago as well. Yeah. So I've got decades of, this is how I've been doing things, and then you add a bit more throttle. You actually need to really go back to the beginning and really start to understand how your brain works and get into that clarity and nuance of what it means for you, Dan, you know?

How does it show up for you? When your wheels are coming off to actually take a step back and going, okay, so what happened in the lead up to that? Yeah. What was the sleep like? What was the food like? Did I miss lunch today? These kind of things are starting to get the nuance of who you are.

And as that clarity builds, then you can have some confidence of going, okay, if I do A, B, and C, I know I can show up in this situation better. Yeah. And then you can start leaning into why. what's possible for you, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, that makes 100% since. Would it be a fair assumption then that after these diagnoses, a lot of, I guess GPs are bloody overworked at the moment.

They haven't got time to sit with a client. Is it a bit of a case of, well, he's the medication to fix it? Good luck as opposed to, let's look at a holistic, you know, like a treatment moving forward. Like, are they just handing the pills over? Or is there a greater understanding of see a therapist or a psychologist or a coach? It depends on the psychiatrist. I mean, I had a great psychiatrist.

He was so on to it. He was the one that told me you need to take a break in the weekend on the meds. That was his personal for me, obviously. And he said, be aware of the fact that this isn't your magic bullet. Otherwise, you'll come burnt out within three months and we'll be back to the beginning again.

So he's real blunt about it. And I think that's important of, again, it's a tool that goes back to understanding how you operate. And that's what the work is. That's where the clarity is. And I think it is hard for, you know, for specialists to be able to go, okay, this is your meds, and then this big holistic wraparound. Often it does need to be a coach or a therapist is because of the fact that you need to get into the weeds a little bit more

because it's like the human experience, right? It's super nuanced. There's not a magic bullet for this. And what works for Dan doesn't work for me, vice versa. So I can't go to Dan and go, here's five hacks. And you're going to be sweet. You can't do that, right? because, A, they probably won't work, even if they work for me,

they may not work for him. And the other part of it is that, you know, with this ADHD brain, he may internalise and go, don't tell me what to do, man. What's wrong with you? Shut up, man. Shut up, what are you want? So there's that two part of it is that he has to figure out what those are for him. Yes.

Now, here's another question because I find the thing that I struggle with the most, and I'd imagine there'd be a lot of people that have ADHD that have similar issues, people don't understand it that don't have ADHD and I think it's such an overused term at the moment and it's such a buzzword when you go I've got ADHD and there's a lot of people being diagnosed with it now because we're talking about it more

but my thing is it frustrates me because people I know even some of my loved ones don't understand it and so when I say I'm struggling with something or I you know something's not working and I can't do that for whatever reason they take that as a lot of

like, oh, he's just being lazy, or, you know, oh, he's, like, that's something that's nothing to do with the ADHD. What would your advice be to someone that is, maybe doesn't have it, but knows someone in their life that has ADHD? Yeah, I mean, I don't know, there's different ways of looking at it, right? You can go to the science of it, and maybe that could help explain it in the most simple form of, like, if they've done scans of the brain, of seeing how an ADHD brain works versus a neurotypical.

And how, if you wouldn't mind, spending a couple minutes to explain it. Yeah, sure. So basically they've done a scan and this is sort of the theory of they've got to so far where the sort of the main two areas where it really shows up is the default mode network and the task network. So the default mode network is when you're like daydreaming and you're kind of reflecting and you're all over the show. It's where ideas come from as well, right? And then the task is obviously the task. This is the stuff that I need to do for a neurotypical brain actually turns down the outside environment so you can find. focus on the task. And what happens with the neurotypical brain is that it alternates. You're into the default mode dreamy and then we're back into task again. Come up with an idea and you go, cool, this is how I'm going to execute

and this one I'm going to do to make that idea happen. Yeah, and then everything turns down and then you're back into it. So it alternates. That's how a neurotypical brain. So ADHD the do don't actually switch off and alternate. So it kind of stays on the default mode network

So it's reflecting, it's absorbing everything around you, it's where the ideas come up with, it's all of that type of stuff. So the way that it can impact how you take a day-to-day job, if it's something a specific dog that's boring, that's going to be quite hard for it. Because it needs to be quite interest-related because of the fact that that's running. And also our access to dopamine is lower as well,

which turns down our ability to zero and in focus. So hence the spiking, we need interest. We are wired for interest. Not important. Like people know teenagers at school who are just like horrendous at subjects that, not just horrendous, I mean like can't pay attention, being naughty in class, but then they go to the class that they enjoy and they're getting straight A's and they're killing it.

And that was so me at school. Really? So me. Like drama, like ease all the way through, excellent. But then. I was going to say, it's not my dad. Just need to check that. Yeah, yeah.

But then everything else was like really bad. And it's because I just enjoyed that subject. If you're not jumping between. like you're saying, then is that why people say it's a superpower? Because you're also in some depending on how you look at it, you can actually go, your brain is doing things that other people, like as long as it's harnessed

in the right way, you've got the superpower, that's ability. I think that's the key though. You have to harness it right. Absolutely, because it's on. You've hit the nail on the head there. When it's going well and that default mode network's running and that's where the ideas are coming from, that's why you may notice within this building there's a few ADHD people in this building

and you get them going and a task and the ideas keep coming at the same time. It just keeps going, escalating, escalating. And it's like, it just keeps popping and popping. It's because it doesn't stop. That stuff keeps going, which is great. But going back to what you guys were talking about before with the wired for interest stuff, it is really, really important to understand that.

It is a genuine thing. Like, I give you the most basic one, it is paying a power bill, right? And the bill comes in. I don't want to pay that. It's boring. This is my wife. This is my wife. And it escalates and escalates and escalates. And eventually, the urgency and the anxiety and the fear escalates enough that you activate and then you do it. I don't understand.

It's like my wife has had this exact conversation with me. She thinks she's ADHD and something will happen. I'll be like, well, just call them now. And then she was like, oh, I'll call them so. I was like, no, because you won't. No, I'll do it. And then I get home and I hate you, blah, blah. Oh, nah.

And now it's got a late fee on top of it and it's stressing around. I'm like, literally you could get rid of the stress and the problem by logging on right now. I also think that's a symptom of the world we live in and that we are overstimulated. I know for me, I don't have ADHD, but many of the things I hear about ADHD,

I could very easily decide to have ADHD. Yeah, right. But for me, it is very much a symptom of my brain is overworked. I'm overstimulated. And it is really hard for me to do certain tasks because it's just one more thing on a pile of too much shit I've seen on social media, news that's stressing me out, dead kids on the thing, like too much.

It's just too much. The thing for me, though, is, like, now leaving that thing that I know is due tomorrow and if I don't pay it is going to have, like, penalties on top. If I leave it, it's actually going to cause me more stress because it's another thing on the list that I'm just leaving that's going to come back and get me rather than picking it off. Yeah, but this is the... It's crazy.

Like, it's so hard for my brain to understand, even what you're saying, how it works because my wife... It doesn't make sense. Why, but I probably have more arguments about just really dumb, mundane, admon stuff, which is why it's always my responsibility. Because she just says, her brain just doesn't work that way. And this is why the awareness thing is so important, right? And it's where the coaching part comes in.

You can create a space where they start to become aware of this. Is the fact that, yeah, I know that saying willpower and I'm just going to get this done, that's off the table. Okay? We've got ADHD. Well, wired for interest, the important thing is going to be hard to connect to. Yeah, don't set yourself up to fail. Yeah. So let's look, if we're going to go for the Power Bowl, there's two parts of that.

that it's going back to what you're talking about with which regards to how it can really impact your body budget. Yeah. It's the fact that even something as simple as paying the power bill, right, that you've gone in and you're paying, and you've left it too long, and it's building up, and now there's a fee, and now there's shame, and there's emotion around that and judgment, and you're beating yourself up about it, and you eventually get stressed, the anxiety gets to a level, you pay your bill.

Now, the body budget cost of going through that rigmarole. role is massive on the body versus just paying it, right? Yeah. So if you exponentially expand that across having to go to work, the impact of that, having to mask, your boss sending you an email going,

can we chat? And internally you're going, I'm going to get fired. Massive spike of emotion. Unregulated, pull yourself together, mask, go and chat. Turns out just needed a hand with something. The next thing, the next thing, the next thing. You can see how burnout happens so fast?

and you sit in that space going, why do I always end up here? Why do I always end up here? Yeah. It's because you haven't understood that clarity of what happens that gets you into the space. My wife's going to love that I've had this chat with you. Because even now I'm thinking,

maybe I need to go home and go, hey, what are some things that are really stressing you out that you know with the skill set that I have, I could tick them off today and just like empty half of your stress to-do list or whatever. Yeah, but there is a shame that comes with that. Like if my husband came to me and say, said that, I'd be like, fuck you.

No, I can do it. Like, I'm not a child. And then I started to go, fuck, you can't do it. And you're a piece of shit. And you know what I mean? And this is the thing. And then you get into that, right? And then it starts to become that internal thing rather than going, okay, the bill is boring. Yeah. We know it's boring.

Yeah. Okay, this is, I'm not interested in it. What's my way into this? How do I find... You have to be naked. Bring her the bill while you're naked. And say, pay the bill. Put the bill on you. Pay the bill, I'll have sex with me. You're saying, I'll pay the bill?

I'll pay the bill. But you see what I'm getting it? It's like you're switching. We're getting away from beating ourselves up with a stick, and we're starting to look at what are the carrot options. What are the novelty? What's the connection? What's the strength I can lean into.

You know, I'm doing this for my family. I'm doing this for my, you know, you find that way in. To make it more fun. To make it. More interesting. To make that connection. Yeah. That gives you the dopamine hit.

If you can find that connection with it. And then you're like, ah, I'm, I'm going to do it now. Yeah. You know? And also sometimes the knowledge that it's how your brain works as opposed to the feeling that you're a piece of shit is so helpful. 100%. It's night and day.

Exactly. Like this is something that's wrong with my brain or different with my brain as opposed to, I'm just lazy. And that's why so many women, I know that a lot of women are getting these late in life diagnoses now as we're understanding more about ADHD and how it affects women differently. I've got so many three female friends who have. dealt with shame at work for so long, being like, what is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?

Getting a diagnosis, everything turns around and they go, oh my God, like all these years, I've known that I'm good at my job, but there was just, I couldn't get things done on time. And I was getting the same feedback over and over again from bosses. Like, we know you want to be here, but where's the fruits of your labour? We're not seeing the results. And it's that change from like, I'm lazy or I'm unreliable to something is inherently different about my brain and now I've fixed it and the relief that comes with that.

Yeah, it's not a, it's not a you issue, it's a wiring issue. Yes. So I say to my clients from the first conversation, so we need to create that separation and start to get curious as to why this brain is doing what it's doing. There needs to be separation so you can actually start to go, oh, I know. Like for me, as I always give an example, if you're halfway through the afternoon and the wheels have really come off in the day and you're stressed and you're having a full blowout, it's actually that's the time to pause and it's hard to do at times but to pause and to step back and go

okay what has potentially impacted my executive function here yeah eating sleeping the most basic things because the thing that I found is that through my own process of being coached myself and this is the reason why I do it is because it was an absolute lifesaver for when I got diagnosed because at the same time I got diagnosed with PTSD it was after a major health event I was awake when it was all unraveling, not ideal. And the recovery for me, this was massive because after decades of thinking that I was broken and there's something intrinsically wrong with me,

I could actually understand the clarity of, if I do A, B, and C, that seriously helps me now in my day. And if my wheels are coming off, which literally happened to me recently, and I had to do the same thing where I had to step back and I realized that a friend of mine who's really sick at the, moment that was having a bigger impact to then what I actually realized because our brains can

easily switch onto the next thing that we're hyper-focused on and the mate that's sick almost seems like they don't exist for that bit and we feel a bit guilty about it as well because our brains can switch like that but then really there is this underlying aspect that that was having a major impact and then yeah then all of a sudden a bit tired but this and then boom and it all snowballs and you just have to go okay take a step back yeah one of the most what do we need to do to take care of ourselves? Absolutely. One of the most powerful things my psychologist has ever taught me

is in moments to ask myself, what do I need right now? And it sounds so simple, but when you can remove yourself, okay, what do I need? What do I need to feel or what do I need to do? And maybe it is I need to eat lunch. I was going to say, how often is it food, actually. And this is the thing, is that this is what the models and the framework is so important for, and that was what was so helpful for me is the fact that you had the structure of being able to look at your executive function through the eyes of,

activation, focus, effort, emotion, those kind of things and going, and then have a list of stresses that actually are like food, loneliness, hormonal, grief, all of these things, and then you can actually go, oh, okay, that's what's happening. Mine was money, mine's money, so I'm, it's too pronged, I'm terrible with money because of ADHD, it turns out. So every time I get paid, I just spend everything because I need that dopamine hit. Oh, I'd go and buy a X, Y, Z, I'd go and buy this. and so now I've handed that onto my wife

because I'm just like I'll get paid and if I don't give it to you I'll spend it and so she's an amazing saver and stuff so she does that and she'll also do all the bills and stuff because I'm like you say power bills stuff I just don't pay them

I mean neither yeah yeah yeah how do you get the dopamine like have you had to find other ways healthier ways to get the dopamine hobbies I had to have a hobby cocaine cocaine hobbies hard illicit drugs yeah but like yeah so stuff like

I figured out that I was not getting anything from my life in terms of just going out and spending money. You know, like I'd go out and buy, like I got into record collecting and I still do it to a certain degree. But I was literally spending like hundreds of dollars a month on records. Like mental, you know, like to the point where I was just buying a record and then it just goes straight.

And the actual act of listening to the record was secondary. It was just a feeling of buying something, you know? And so you've got to sort of step back from that and enjoy things like enjoy small. of things in life, you know, like actually listening to it and sitting down and like, or like going and getting a hobby or doing something that actually gives you dopamine because you, otherwise

you just search for a quick fix. I had to learn to be excited about saving money. So for me it was like, okay, I get a big-ass dopamine hit from buying something. But then when I got married, it became okay, seeing our savings grow, I can reframe this and I can

be excited about having more money to the bank. And that reframing is really important, right? Because it's, we you can actually learn that dopamine thing about saying, you know, you're talking about vinyl and then it's the saving part that's the harder and then you've got exercise is another one. I had a client that

busted her arm that she was like a big wave surfer did all sorts of incredible brave stuff busted her arm had to walk, hated walking and what she eventually figured out was when she did the list of things to do for the day she never actually wrote walking.

She wrote the subject matter in detail of what was her favorite podcast queued up ready to go. And everyone goes okay that's a hack but what's actually realizing is that if you look at it a bit deeper you start to realize that

she got detailed into the bit that she was interested in and got super detailed in that and then that's how you connected to it. It's the same thing that you can do with savings. For me I'll be honest it's really embarrassing but I struggle with exercise so there's no magic bullet. I've got like and this is important to have, like, five options you can lean on depending on how you feel in the day.

Yeah. But one of the biggest activators for me is ghost podcasts. Ghosts. Like about ghosts. Yeah. Ghost podcasts. You know how everyone's exercising and stuff, and they're normally listening to probably smart podcasts about how they should be going out and doing great things and all of that. No, I'm listening about an exorcist or like a poltergeist in Sheffield.

This is amazing. I just came across it and my brain just goes, this is great. So what everyone's seeing the bigger picture is just you at the gym or you're going for a walk, but like what you're actually doing is spending some time with your favorite podcast for the next episode. Yeah, but the thing is that what I learned was that my brain really enjoyed being the critic or the skeptic and the believer at the same time and like trying to pick it apart as I'm doing it. That was the bit that actually what my brain was into. It's like trying to figure out that stuff, right?

It's getting into the bit that my brain likes analyzing stuff in real time. So you give it a story like that Where it's going to take both sides And start having a go at it And it's like those little things Of starting to get a bit deeper Into why you connect to that Ash is an author

She's going to start to listen to Smut Podcasts at the gym That's exactly what I would listen to if I went to a gym I've got a friend of mine that does that genuinely Yeah I love nothing more than those memes Where it's like women out You know like on their walk And they come home and their airports

Connect to the Bluetooth It's like I'm going to fuck you like the during day I don't know what that's coming for a lot Well, Nate, to put a bow on this then for people who are being listening going, oh my God, I actually think my partner does a lot of the things that you've said, or I'm fine personally that I'm sort of wired in a way in which you've described. Am I right in thinking it's like super easy now to get diagnosed? Because, Dan, you went on like a one-year wait list.

Now can't you just go to your GP? It's easier. Things will change of February next year. Yeah. So that's that policy change where registered nurse and GPs will be able to... From February next year, not currently. Not currently. And I think this is the thing.

I mean, from my perspective, and this is my perspective, but I feel like it's gone off to the races in regards to how much was being charged for diagnosis. Yeah, I hear that. And like I was lucky, I went through a great psychiatrist that was insured. Like you could get Southern Cross insurance. There are outfits out there that won't even accept Southern Cross insurance because they charge too much. and it got to that level so I think it's really important

that these next steps have been put in place I think making sure that that training is done well and making sure that they understand the lens that ADHD lens and it's what I'm talking about of like we have those big issues in the day starting to look through it as an ADHD lens

rather than a me problem that also needs to be for the people that are giving the support to understand that this is potentially more than just the meds are at all but there are further learning to actually understanding the nuance of your brain. And I think that will be the important sort of next steps that will come out of that next year.

And I think if you've listened to what Nathan's been saying and you maybe've got ADHD and you want to chat to him more about some coaching, you can text ADHD to 33443 and we'll send you back the details for you, Nathan, because I'm sure I'd benefit from something like that. I think a lot of people out there would. I think just to understand your brain more, speak to someone that's been there. As opposed to just taking the pills and then thinking, sweet as my life's going to be, On easy for the rest.

Yeah. The rest of whatever long we've got. But you're still, you know, you're still in survival mode from running before the diagnosis, right? And you've got to relearn how your brain works and take care of yourself and not beat yourself up. Yeah. And the thing is, being able to not beat yourself up, this is the hardest thing, man. I had it myself. It's like, people from the external going, hey, just don't beat yourself up.

It's like, oh, why did I think of that? Yeah. Thanks for telling me. It's like, oh, cool, another thing I'm failing at. Thanks. Awesome. Because that's the thing. We are like Olympic medalists

of knowing what's wrong with us but the biggest part of this coaching is actually starting to understand the strengths part of it and not in a strength from an external perspective of how you're really good at this stuff and you just respond to the cues of the outside it's actually an intrinsic thing of going

oh I actually can see that I'm good at that and I lean into that when I'm in that type of situation and I'm starting to get better at this and that's where your self-trust and self-confidence comes from And for me personally, I masked incredibly well for decades. Genuine self-trust and confidence has happened for me over the last 24 months of my life. That's awesome.

Since I was five to now. Wow. First day of school, nightmare. Oh, God. And that onwards of going, oh, I'm different. I've got to fit in here. And now I can genuinely take a step forward, unmasked with the confidence of going, no, this is who I am. Great.

That's awesome, Maddie. Yeah, that's great. And maybe that could be your reality to ADHD to 33443 and get in touch with Nate. Thank you so much for your time, Nathan. Absolutely. Thanks, mate. That's awesome.