The Edge Breakfast - ONLYFANS Can we make Dan cry?

Episode Date: April 9, 2025

This is a podcast from Rover. Not your mum's podcast, unless she's into absolute filth, in which case, respect. This is Clint Megandand's OnlyFans podcast, that is. Hey everyone, welcome along to the OnlyFans podcast, the one that sits alongside our show recap with myself, Clint Megandand. It's going to have to be quick smart because I've got to foot it to the airport. Oh yes, you have to Dunedin. So I've got to go down there

today. Actually I wanted to do the dedication to a family member of the show. Oh okay. Nipia's mum. Oh Tony. Tony. I don't know if she listens to the podcast. She's listening isn't she? Does she listen to the OnlyFans podcast Nips? Oh there we go.

Yes, she does. But when I asked her if she'd listen to it, she goes, oh, yeah, I love that Fans Only podcast. I don't know if she actually knows what OnlyFans is. This Fans Only podcast is going out to you, Tony. What a lovely mum she is. What a lovely boy she's raised. That makes me sound old when I say that.

But, I mean, goodness me. She came on today and talked about a coincidence Where she was in an Uber I was so worried you guys were going to ask her About the Big Bang And it was the biggest relief off my shoulders When you did it Why does your mum have a different last name to you?

She didn't want to be the white girl With a Māori name, I think So my last name's Rufu and she's Tony Green. And like dad is very Maori looking and mum is very not. But like also like my granddad, like the Green family, she's very, very proud of her family. Like her dad started the Kepler Challenge race and Tiano and stuff like that as well. So I think she's also just really proud of her family name. She's opposite to my wife, Hannah,

who didn't want to take my family name, Webby. Yeah. But then, this is even worse, Neeps. Dan said, okay, cool, can I have your last name? She said no. Oh, no. Yeah, well, no, she didn't say that. She was just like, it's a bit weird, isn't it?

And I was like, well, I don't know. But I think one day now we've got a son because I wanted him to take Hannah's name. Oh, so Fontania. Yeah, so he's Fontania. So you don't have the same last name as your son? Yeah, but maybe I will change it eventually because I want to have the same last name as him. Yeah, otherwise you'll look like a stepdaddy.

It's a very cool last name as well, by the way. But then mums, like, a lot of women don't take their husband's last name and no one. That's an eyelid when they do that. Yeah, you take it if you want. I don't care about going against the grain. husband's last name and no one bats an eyelid when they do that. So you take it if you want. Dan Fontania. I'm so like going, I don't care about going against the grain

and if people think that I'm a fucking less of a man because I didn't do it. No, I like the cadence. I think a lot of women take, I don't know many women that don't

take their husband's last names. Dan Fontania sounds like a movie star name. Like you need to do that immediately. I wish I could do it. I could do it.

I don't think Hannah would care. Do you know what the rule should be? Not she takes his name or he takes hers and you know there's those guys being like no I could do it. I could do it. I don't think Hannah would care. Do you know what the rule should be? Not she takes his name or he takes hers. And you know there's those guys who have been like, no, I've got to keep the family name going. Like, who cares?

Like, how does that even impact you? I have absolutely no ties to Webby. You should actually have a vote on which name is cooler and then take the coolest of the two. What would mine be? Aenea or Mansell? Mansell for me. Mansell.

Nigel Mansell is a Formula One driver. And also I think Meg Mansell, or Megan Mansell works quite well. That's the problem Is a Formula 1 driver And alliteration too Meg Mansell Megan Mansell Works quite well That's the problem though Because what if it works Better for yours

And then his works better I know you as Megan Eyre Because when you're on radio And it works for on air Yeah Megan on air And that would have been Clint Randall Or Clint Parkinson

Clint Randall Is cool Like Randall seems cool Parkinson Parkinson is You know I just think of You know we get the shakes, the disease, you know. Yeah.

Yeah, you should go with Fontania. I wouldn't give a shit about it. I mean, we probably would on air, but deep down I actually think it's kind of cool. I get why you, because it sounds like that guy from Anchorman, what's his name? Brian Fontana. It sounds like that, except Dan Fontana. Works 10% of the time, every time. I have two texts from people about the show today.

Okay. First one is from a friend of mine who is a teacher, but he works at like a boardings school. He works at Whanganui Collegiate. Okay. I think one of the most prestigious private schools. You know when it's got collegiate in it, it's fancy. Yeah, and so he... Oh, bubble, bubble. Yeah, when it's got collegiate in it, it's fancy. Yeah, and so he...

Oh, bubble, bubble. Yeah, so he's one of the... Like, he lives on site and has, like, a group of boys that he has to look after. It's, like, weird. I think his house is attached to the dorm by, like, a door that only, obviously, can lock so that they can't come into his house, but he can just open the door and go through to the dorms.

Sounds like Hogwarts. Yeah, that's what I'm picturing, but I've never been there before. So he doesn't get to listen because he's up early and he doesn't drive to work because he lives on site. But he's got a couple of things from doing the school drop-off and a few jobs this morning. Your dad is the champ. Oh, good on him.

So you must have heard Dad talking about how he had sex for two hours. How old's John? Bang mum with a big bang. He is 67. And he's having sex for two hours. I don't think I've gone past 20 minutes. And that's honestly hand on heart, not trying to be funny. Ever.

But when do you start the timer? Once you start kissing? Because you can start at the end. Is that still part of it? The old foreplay and the lead up and trying other stuff and then changing it up? God, it'd be definitely not past 45 minutes if you include kissing. Really? Come on.

That's not common. It's not common. I don't think it's probably common to do 45 minutes. I would say last night from kissing to it was probably about 45, maybe an hour. Yeah, but that's because Spotify kept turning off and your wife said I have going to say, last night from kissing, it was probably about 45, maybe an hour. Yeah, but that's because your Spotify kept turning off, and your wife said I have to have music, otherwise I get distracted. Yeah, and that's why at the time she goes, oh, I don't know, the song stops.

And she goes, no, my mind wanders. Hold on. So I waited. Are you telling me? Then she finds the song, and I'm like, just turn the Wi-Fi off. Maybe it's the Wi-Fi. She's like, I've already done that. And she's like, I'll try that.

And I was like, maybe it's synced up to your headphones or something. So then she starts and she goes, there it goes. It starts. Here we go. Start kissing again. Away we go. We're back on. The fucking music stops again.

She goes, hold on. And I was like, oh. I'm at that point where you go, I could just be like, you know what? Just forget it. I'm like, no. Let me just finish it myself. Oh, Jesus, Meg. I must say, though.

And then I found A downloaded Spotify Playlist on my phone Because something Was up with the internet The problem was My downloaded playlist Wasn't very sexy

And it started playing NF You know the angry rapper Yeah yeah Yeah so anyway I was like fuck it's music Let's just go I went to the dentist The other day

And I had fillings And the lady was like It's better if you Just have music Playing in your ears So she puts her Headphones on me So what you're saying

Is your wife Says like fucking you Is like music playing in your ears. So she puts her headphones on me. So what you're saying is your wife says, like, fucking you is like going to the dentist. She needs music to distract her. Yeah, like me going for a run. I can't run in silence because I can't focus, so I have to run to music and exercise to music. So you can focus. Yeah, and she just wants to focus.

Clint's like, open wide. No, I distract myself from doing what I don't want to do, which is run. So I'm distracting myself with music. No, I think Jay will be like, you know, this makes me look shit. She'll be like, you know, you'll be making out, you'll do something, she'll go, you put the rubber shirt on.

And I'll be like, fuck. We're having sex, why are you thinking about that? But Jay can have like 100 thoughts in the space of 10 seconds. And so I think when the music goes on her thoughts calm down and she can just be in the moment. And I'm like, okay, well if you're having a good time, I'm having a better time. She's like, rubbish, rubbish has gone out.

And she forgot, I had to put it out this morning at five o'clock. Well, we know why, because you put the playlist on. True, true. Okay, so my mate text number one, John's a champ. Number two, as a reluctant maths teacher, great quick math from you. That was when we must have been talking about 50 bucks a day, how much that would cost the boss a year.

And then he said bang, bang, or big bang was good. Oh. So he's meaning his big bang. I think he's done it. Yeah, big bang was good, so I think he must have. He's got a real hot wife. Good on him. He definitely

would have been hoping. I'm really surprised about how many people partook. I think we've got a lot of feedback of people saying that they did it

or talked about their relationship so good. Then I got another text from my brother almost at 10 saying can you send me the link to that podcast,

The Only Fans one where you're going to play the song where you tried to make Dan cry because we teased on the air that we were going to play it and so he's like can you send it to me? We can do. Why don't we just teased on the air that we were going to play it. And so he's like, can you send it to me? We can do.

Why don't we just play it here? Yeah, we're going to play the whole thing and go through. I'm going to really try to cry. Or are you just going to attack it on the end? Yeah, I'm going to let's see if we can get Dan to cry again because he's already heard the song. I'm going to be really,

because I remember the time I cried when we did this originally, it was over a year ago. I really had to put myself in like a mindset of like just thinking about my childhood, thinking about how amazing my mum is, because she was a single mum, and thinking amazing things about Pig,

who's my little soft toy. It's written from his perspective, right? You wrote it? Yeah, we brought in Pig. His head's falling off, but it was a story about how Pig had watched you your whole life grow up from when you were like a little kid. And then as you got older and you got more independent

and your now wife, Hannah, entered your life, he started taking a bit more of a back seat as he watched you mature and grow. It's sad because I think there's a lot of soft toys in that boat that are there. Like, God, Pig, he has had a lot of chats for me over the years, especially in my teen years where I didn't have a girlfriend and I'd lay in bed and I'd tell him a lot of stuff.

Oh, the things that Pig has seen. Yeah. Being told and seen, yeah. Oh, I'd turn him away if I was doing anything. Is that why his head's almost falling off the amount of times Ted had to turn his head away? Turn his head again. It was twisted enough.

Doing some vacuuming again, Piggy. No, but I must say, yeah, so if I need to put myself in that headspace. Okay. I totally get it. My daughter is now my childhood toy, Zoe and Piggy. I had to pick two. And now hers. And it's very...

Honestly, like, I sound like a fucking idiot. No. But he was my best friend. Yeah, yeah. so were my toys. Guy threw one of them the other day, and I actually snapped at him. Oh, God. If Pig was... Pig, to be honest, he's not been forgotten.

He's pride of place in my house still. But, I mean, boy, oh, boy. Yeah, if Hannah threw him, just like, oh, put him over there. Yeah. Well, if Pig was a country singer, this is the song that Meg and I put together for Dan to try and make Dan cry for the first time in like 10 years. I'm going to try and cry.

Here we go. Okay. Used to be his closest friend. A toy to everyone else was all I am. Dan held me tight. When he'd go to bed and he'd rest me in his hand. Through the years I've watched him grow. From a boy who'd cry when he would fall To a man who'd face a world so bold

I'm just a toy who's seen it all At least that's how I remember Now he's grown, moved on, a dusty shell for me And I might be just a distant memory A time seems short as he falls for a girl named Hannah A smile of Dan knows it's the end of our journey Your world fell apart As we drove to

the vet I tried to pray But I'm just a toy Watched you hold tinks pour She slowly slipped away The box the warm as you wiped your tear And drove home to dig her grave I was there to be held real tight And for days you squeezed away

But your times are changing Now you're grown, moved on, a dusty shelf in me. And I might be just a distant memory. It's your time and I'm proud for the world to see. A smile at death knows the end of our journey The years of love have taken its toll on the torn But I'm still here picked for you when you were born Just an old toy pig rat team falling apart

Stuck on a shelf here with a broken heart And if I see you alive He's not alive Didn't get me so I got him Oh fuck Jesus Well that was a waste of everybody's time I really try I honestly did

But you can't die Okay But she didn't though really Well she did She was in the box Yeah but I sort of was thinking Back to the time I think that's the thing that ruined it for me

Because I thought back to when she got run over You told us that she died, that's why we wrote the song Did she not die? She didn't die eventually, yes Fucking hell he lied Wait so your mum backed over your cat's head And then when you got out it was on top of your cat's head The car, that's the story I remember

And we backed off And she's still alive So wait, your cat's head, the car. That's the story I remember. And we backed off. So wait. She's still alive. So wait, your cat had a car tyre on top of its head, stopped stationary, you all got out, then you all got back in and it reversed or drove forward off her head. Mum was like, I'm just going to back off, back off, and she backed off and she ran away.

Why didn't you tell us at the time that the cat didn't die? I told you this. No, you did not. That's why we wrote a song saying that you buried her. She lived for another like two years, three years after that. That is crazy

that your cat ran off after that. Yeah, she had like jaw, she had to have her jaw reconstructed as well. But yeah, horrible. We had to feed her for like a syringe.

We need to write another one of those songs about Liam Lawson losing his gig. Oh God, then you'll get me. Oh yeah. We should actually. I'm just a

race car driver long forgotten. Don't get Meg to sing it because that's fucking horrible. Yeah. I tried my best but they shoved me aside. Now I sit here

with no pride My name is Liam Flawson But I'm not happy Not rhyming, is it? Because you've forgotten about me We'll work on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought forgotten and besotted.

You know, you could do something with that maybe She went with Happy though That's not bad I mean at the moment Liam Lawson's just Just driving a different car But if he gets dropped from Formula 1 Let's do another song Yeah I don't know if a sad song about Liam Lawson

Would get me crying now What if we did say like You got me to cry the original time you played that I did cry Yeah, I don't know if a sad song about Liam Lawson would get me crying now. Oh, Jesus, what's the other thing we've been crying about recently? But you got me to cry. The original time you played that, I did cry. What about when he found out that a rescue dog, they lost their dog, and then they went to a rescue pound and they found their dog? Oh, yeah. But that's now I've heard that story.

Oh, fuck. You know? Oh, you say it's not going to work anymore. Why don't we look up all the names of the cats that are at pounds about to be put down and then we can... Let me just change the details. Let me show you the details. About to be put down. Oh God. I'd cry. There you go. I'm just going to change some details about the story he already knows to make it sound different, but it is a story. There's a family that got a little kitten. His name was George. Oh, he was the best little guy.

Why would you name it after your son's name? Give him the name of all the names. Now I'm imagining my son with a cat's body. Dad's got to go to the airport. Shit, have you all not done a time? Oh, shit. Fuck, I'm going to cry. Fuck, you're actually going to go to the airport. Oh, there was a kitten and his name was?

John. Oh, that's your dad's name. Fuck, think of a name. Think of a name. Okay, Bart. He's one of my cats. His guts came out as bottles. Okay, that's it.

You've got to go to the airport. You're going to miss your flight. You're going to miss your flight. Anyway, yeah, if you missed it, family lost their dog during the hurricane, looked for him for a year and a half, went to the adopted place, the shelter, and they said, hey, here's a dog that's been here for a while

and they brought out the family's dog. I think Bart just pushed too hard when he was shitting. Anyway, okay, honestly, you're going to miss your flight. It's quarter past ten. His sister Lisa went missing. Okay, see you guys next week in the podcast. We'll catch you tomorrow. Bye. Bye.