The Edge Breakfast - ONLYFANS End of the world wank...

Episode Date: April 27, 2025

This is a podcast from Rover. Buckle up, lower your standards and prepare to question everything. This is Clint, Meg and Dan's OnlyFans. Podcast, that is. Fuck! Hey everyone, welcome along to the OnlyFans podcast. We're back! A very special OnlyFans today though, because I'm going to dedicate it to my good friend Clint Rand.

Dan, why would you play this song? Because it's what we play when we have sex. After the show. We don't invite you, Meg. Oh, so I get a podcast dedicated to me. Yeah. Oh, better be. Make it a good one.

Actually, it is going to be a good one, Clint, because over the holiday, me and Dan had a couple of conversations that you weren't involved in, but I think you'll enjoy. Okay, cool. Oh, which one? Because one of them, we were bitching about it.

Not that one. Oh, thank God. No, I sent Dan a video I thought you'll enjoy. Okay, cool. Oh, which one? Because one of them, we were bitching about it. Not that one. Oh, thank God. No, I sent Dan a video I thought was very funny. Actually, I don't have, I'm not very prepped. I don't have the audio of the video, but it is of a man saying that he realized that if the world was to end, I thought this was a very interesting perspective.

If the world was to end, and they said, oh, an asteroid's hitting this afternoon, you know, you'd sit there and go, you think of all the things that you do, but probably would go around to mum's for a roast. And you'd sit there and you'd be kind of depressed and everyone would be crying. And, I mean, Clint, you'd end up at your family house, that's for sure. Only because I was listening to him. Oh, he makes a good point. Clint wouldn't be hungry. I don't think Clint would eat roast.

I think he'd eat us. Jesus. Okay. But again, that's in a like, if it was all very real and we actually did what we'd probably do. I asked Hannah, I literally asked my wife Hannah without showing her this, and she said she'd go over to her mum's for a roast. Yeah, there it is. She knew and Lee said that.

Okay, I'm going back through my messages now. Yeah, I was just trying to have a look too then, Meg. To be fair, now I think about it, I'd want to be in a comforting place when the end happens. You know, when the asteroid hits. Oh, that's not what you said to me, darling. I know. All right, let's go through the messages, Clint.

No, I was more thinking the day leading up to it. After these events, I would go to my mum's. Okay, that's not what you said to me. All right, we've got, if you could have some swish noises in between, Clint, for the text. Clint, this is your birthday present, by the way. I haven't spent anything on you,

but you're welcome. Okay. Okay. What's he doing? What are you doing? You're not paying attention. This is your special dedication. I thought I found it,

but it's a screenshot of the link. Oh, I've got the video. Would you like me to play the video? Oh, yeah, okay, cool. Here we go. What bothers me is that if we all found out tomorrow a meteorite was going to land on Earth and kill everybody at midnight,

I'd probably have to go to my parents' place like it's fucking Christmas or something and spend the day with them. As soon as we found out, I'd probably get a text in the family group chat like hey guys be over here by one bring something and i would go it would like what am i gonna do and that's what bothers me is i i kind of want to be the guy that's going to go downtown and like

set stuff on fire and maybe try to have sex with someone or kill somebody. I don't get the calling the murder. Part of me wants to be that guy, but I'm not. I would just go to my parents' place and we'd all cry, maybe watch Armageddon, and then hug while the meteor kills all of us. So I said that to Dan, and I said, I'd be doing the same. Me and Guy would probably have a fight of whose parents we'd go to,

whose place we'd have to go to. Who's closer? You don't want to spend half the last day. First half of this half and then half, and who gets the second half, which is in theory the more important half. You know, it would be an argument about that. Because you'd be like, we've got to get going.

We have to get going. We don't know when the media's going to hit. Let's go. But I would, like, that's the last couple of hours. But I was more talking about the last 24 hours. I'm sorry. Clean view of the Swishers ready. So I sent him that message and I said,

my mum would want to make a final meatloaf or something. Dan. I would steal a car, I reckon. And have a wank in public. And I replied. I replied.

Oh, fuck off, Webby, you wouldn't. Hannah, his wife, would say you go into the in-laws for a final dinner and you would go and be all mopey. Would be just made like the media would miss us and I'm wanking on Queen Street. Still having a wank. I said, steal a fucking car.

What a joke. You wouldn't even know where to start. Yeah, I would. I'd kill a bitch. And I said, Cap's like, wait, Queen Street? Why in the fuck would you drive to Queen Street

just to have a wank? He said, end of the world, isn't it? And I said, of all places, to have a wank. And he said, nope. I'd climb to the top of the Sky Tower and have a wank. That's what I'd do. Then I'd steal a car.

And I said, you wouldn't get halfway before being puffed, walking back down, probably pay for a fucking pie versus stealing it. Then drive home and apologise to your family for being MIA for 30 minutes. Wasn't I replied to that one? That's true. And I'd go, where have you been? Don't want to know. Don't want to know.

That's why I was going to the Sky Tower. Yeah, the media got the Sky Tower? They're like, did the media just kill us already? Yeah, but the media's not covering, like,

they wouldn't cover it. They wouldn't go, there's a man wanking up the Sky Tower right now because they're covering the meteor. Yeah, but they,

no, but they would be like, and what are people doing? Like, it's most people hanging out with family and friends. And then,

they're hanging up to see the meteor and they're like, hold on, go back family and friends. And then they're standing up to see the meteor and they're like, hold on, go back down a bit. And then there's this guy. He decides to spend his last few moments jerking his gherkin. What's so funny is that he'd do it and probably just land on his shoes. Like he wouldn't get enough trajectory.

Oh, me. It's windy out there. It'd probably blow back into you. It'd blow back all up your chest. Or, you know, up around your neck. Last day on Earth. And you have to wipe your own spunk off yourself. Because you were up the sky tower.

Enough. This is my dedicated podcast. You're welcome, Clint. Happy birthday, my friend. Happy birthday, Clint. No, I'd be aiming for someone. What do you mean, down on the ground? Yeah, I'd be like, Clint, Happy birthday, my friend. Happy birthday, Clint. No, I'd be aiming for someone. You mean down on the ground. Yeah, I'd be like, Clint, come to the sky tower.

Look up here, buddy. And then I'd go over to Clint's and he'd be like, it was weird, I went to the sky tower and a bird shat on me. And I'd be like, what's the bird? Clint's like, can you please leave? My mum's crying. It's the end of the world, man. Hey, Christine, this will cheer you up.

I came on Clint's head You'd have to be a little bit impressed by the fact that if he could shoot it from the top of the sky and get you down below It's like, get him on Dude Perfect If I did that, I wouldn't wait for the meteor to just jump

That's it And your wife is still at home Get him on Dude Perfect. No way. If I did that, I wouldn't wait for the meteor to just jump. You just do that. That's it. That's it. And your wife is still at home with her meatloaf in the oven. Dan jumps. He's all squashed on the bottom with his spiffle around him. And then they'll be like, oh, my God. That's on your head.

Miscalculations. Miscalculations. Had people thinking it was the end of the world, but it's gone straight past us. Thank the Lord. Apart from this man who finished his life by having a wank at the top of his head. They won't know that. They won't know that.

They'll just see my body, but they won't see me. They'll be like, that's weird. That's what I'd be worried about the whole time is when you're doing stuff out of character, that what if they've got it wrong and the media breaks up and the atmosphere kind of misses us or wipes out half of the planet, but not the other half. And then all of a sudden you're that guy. But like, what are you even doing? Take away the gross stuff of having a wank on the sky tower.

You're stealing a car. For what? You've got like 12 hours. I've never had the chance to drive a Ferrari. There'd be traffic everywhere. Why? Where are they going? Because everybody's trying to see family.

Yeah, you've seen those movies where they're all stuck on the bridge. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Dan would be fucking stuck in his Ferrari, like jammed up behind someone. I'd speed past Megidoo Fitz, go, fuck you, Megidumbitch. And then, boom, straight out the arse of a truck. It's like bumper to bumper. Because I was wanking.

What's it got to do? How much fun have you got? Oh, no, it's one or the other. I'm not going up the sky toower, then wanking in a Ferrari. You would. Give it a go. It'd be like nothing there, nothing in the tank. Wasted it.

Who am I talking to? It's myself. Sorry, Hannah, nothing in the tank. They can't watch me do that. Oh, you're up the Skytower. Don't you mind. Meanwhile, you left George behind because you tried to get a car seat in the back of a Ferrari. Very tricky No, I genuinely think I probably would go back

to Hannah's parents' house I know, Dan Poor Julie as well Hi Julie, sorry about that Nice to hear that on Life on Earth Would she be invited? Yeah, we'd all go I was going to say, what about your mum's place?

I would probably go to my mum's house. But you just said you'd go to your in-laws' house, though. Well, I'd go probably where Hannah goes. Sounds like she'd be going to her mum's. But then I would invite my mum over. Right. Because she lives by herself as well. Yeah, so I don't want her to be alone.

Julie, don't worry about him. Come to my place, doll. No, no, no, come to mine. Mum and Dad's place is lovely, but it's about almost a two-hour drive, so I'd spend two hours of it on the road. It wouldn't be two hours. It would be ten. Everybody would be driving.

Yeah, then I'd have to stay home probably. But with people driving, it's going to blow up the world. Just stay where you are. But people are stupid. You know people. Everybody will be driving to see family. The last thing I want to be doing is be stuck in traffic. I know.

That's why I'd stay at home. Same. I'd stay at home because of it. Yeah. A shed in a little house. New carpet though, getting a new carpet this week. That's going to be nothing

when a meteor hits it. Should I, have you not getting, oh, it probably won't matter. I was going to say, new carpet with all this rainy weather. They're not going to bring

a wet carpet from the van. you guys are going to be helping. Remember, you've both agreed. That's right. Oh, when's that happening? Fuck,

Dan, it's in your calendar. Have we put it in our calendar? Yeah, the media kills us before. Meg will be like, where are you, Dan? We're up the Sky Tower. Oh, shit, fuck, I missed the news. Dan, let me go.

It's either I do it up here or on your new carpet. Guy, open stuff. Open stuff. Is there anything about a media? I have nothing in my diary about moving carpet or furniture. What day is that? It's Thursday or Friday or both. On when?

This Thursday. Is it this Thursday or next? Yes, this Thursday. Or Friday. Both days we're having carpet. Yeah, okay. We'll sort out those details off here. Not everyone wants to know or needs to know,

but I've got nothing in for that. Oh, bugger. Is it this Thursday? Oh, fuck. Here we go. Oh, because I've got something on. You don't. I do, I do.

You shit. I do, I actually do have something on. What is that? Personal stuff. I've got a tour of the Sky Tower. Dan's going to do a recce. Sorry, what's the grip like up there? Yeah, he's got a dog on one hand.

He's going to do a recce just to make sure. What's the harness? Where do you Yeah, he's got a door bit of a hand. He's got to do a Ricky just to make sure. Where do you put the harness? Is it around the waist? Because that could be proof but difficult. Because what you don't want to do is you get there and you go, oh, shit, I didn't think about that. And then you've ruined your last day. He would.

He'd get all the way to the top and then be like, you've got a harness, mate. And then we go, oh, fuck. No, I don't need a harness where I'm going. Yeah. I wouldn't go right to the top as well. Too blowy. Like, because you don't need a harness where I'm going yeah I wouldn't go right to the top as well too blowy

like cause you don't wanna be I'd go sort of half way up yeah and then what just crack a window no I'm outside already

how do you how do you climb up I've been up I've been up the Sky Tower after hours where it's not you think somebody's

still gonna be at work at the Sky Tower going hey yeah are you ever awake too there's a whole fucking line of men for some reason that are here for a wank on the final day. No one's doing it. No one else is doing it.

Yes, they are. No one else is doing it. And they're not locking the Sky Tower on the day of. A gang of men having a wank at the top of the Sky Tower. They would just be like, guys, I want to look at you if you don't look at me. Fight Paul Clint. Yeah. He's like, why don't you invite me No that ain't

Swipe card access It's the start It's the beginning Of the beefy Oh shit Dan Dan You'd have the

Swipe card access Everyone would leave So you don't have A swipe card Dan No So you're just Going to be stuck In the gift shop

That's probably He's going to Wake in the gift shop Dan's's probably... He's going to be awake in the gift shop. That's what I'm saying. Such a loser. Such a loser. Such a freaking... We'll FaceTime.

We'll do one final team Zoom, team FaceTime with a tan in the fucking sky. Just wanking on one of those little plush, you know those little plush SkyTales with the eyes on them? You know those like the SkyTale mask off? I'm going to piss myself. Shove a Skyteller mask. This is loose. Let's start again.

This is too much. This is too much. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Anyway. Oh, well. No, I think if I got to the If I got to the gift store And I couldn't get up I'd just leave

I'd go and steal a Ferrari I'd go and steal I'd just jump to the Ferrari Steal the Ferrari But I think I actually Would consider killing someone No you wouldn't Why?

You wouldn't Because you'd like Like it'd be like an enemy Like someone that I've always hated Who? Do you not hate anyone? Meghan Markle. You're going to fucking fly to the UK, USA,

and you're going to find Meghan Markle, a lovely mum who just wants to be with her kids. Oh, yeah, she's a mummy. I don't want to rob her kids. You've got to find out where her parents live because she's probably going to be at her parents. There's this guy called Jared. No, she definitely won't be at her parents.

There's this guy called Jared that used to bully me, downtrack me in front of PE class. So I'd probably go and downtrack him in front of his kids or something. Like he's got a real shit last out here. The worst. The worst, Clint. He's having a wank at the Sky Tower gift shop. Jared opens the door.

Hey, Dan. And he goes, you know. He's like, what are you doing? And he goes, I'm you doing? And he goes, I'm just saying goodbye to my family. Get out! Jared's like,

hey, man, so I heard you had a downtry on me, are you? Where do you want to do it? What house he heard? I've texted him, I've gone,

hey, Dan's on his way, mate, if you could do him a solid, and he's like, yeah, whatever. Nothing left to lose anymore. Yeah, and then he's like, all right, and what, he wants the kids to watch?

Hey, kids! Come here. Dan Webby's here. Producer of the car. I was just saying, like, knowing Dan as well, he'd cock up the time that the world was going to end, and he'd be at Jared's house going, shit, we've run out of time. Do you want to give him a wank with me quickly? I'll do it for you first. We're just going to have to get this done, bro.

Yeah, we've got the Skytown. Don't worry, I've got a Ferrari, so we'll get there quickly. I'll do it for you first. We just have to get this done, bro. We've got the Skytower. Don't worry, I've got a Ferrari, so we'll get there quickly. Anyway. Oh, well. Yeah, well, happy birthday, Clint. Thank you, Dan. Now Clint, every time he goes to the Skytower, he's going to look up and go. If ever a bird shits on you while you're at the Skytower, you're going to be like, hold on a minute. Go on the stories and just make sure Look for the brown and the white

And make sure it's Burbu Right Not people So you know the difference right Yeah Anyway Good to be back That was fun

I mean I teased you with Anyway Good to be back That was fun Oh I mean I teased you with There was a surprise I don't know how much I said The producer Carl You told me that We could find out now

Yeah Yeah well Is it tomorrow Or Wednesday Carl Well you mean the guest Well Yeah

I think we need a day Of talking about it Before the guest So is the guest The guest isn't day of talking about it before the guest. The guest isn't locked in yet. Okay, so if the guest can do Wednesday, let's start talking about the surprise tomorrow on the podcast. Go through what it was.

So you said that Meg's going to love it. Yeah. And I'm going to hate it. Yeah. So who's the guest? Meg and Markle on the show Wednesday. No, but you don't really like her either, so it's not her. Who's someone that you love and I hate? I'm a happy-go-lucky.

I love everyone. You just said you'd fucking kill Jared. It's probably Jared. Oh, I bet Jared on it. He's boring as hell. He's a builder now. Bring him into a Dankin' Down trailer. Yeah, no.

Hopefully tomorrow. It'll definitely be this week. It'll definitely start this week? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, cool, cool. There's things that have been made, especially for

the podcast this week. I literally spent quite a few hours in my holiday, actually. Is it Stanley Tucci? Oh, but I like him as well. Meg loves Stanley Tucci. I don't think it's anyone famous. I think it's somebody. Oh, I could guess.

Somebody. Nailed it. Shit, she's too close. Maybe we're going to have to blow this wide open clip. Meg already knows what it is. It is somebody. Well, she's pennies dropped. It's someone. Only Dan doesn't know what it is now. If only I'd guessed somebody. Okay.

Someone with a pulse. The somebody is actually just, like, if this is, like, a bell curve in terms of, like, climax, right? It's where it goes up and then comes back down. I would say we're still on the way up when we interview the guest on Wednesday. That's not even the peak climax of the bell curve.

That'll probably be like Friday? Yeah, I'd say Friday. Friday, probably? Wait, so we're chatting to someone, so necessarily the guest could just be someone that's helping organise the big thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, because the big thing, I've got so many questions,

and this person has probably come the closest to, well, they haven't done what we're going to do on the podcast, and this person has probably come the closest to, well, they haven't done what we're going to do on the podcast, but it's their realm of expertise that they would be able to give significant, I would imagine, input into making sure we have success on Friday. What's me like that I hate? I like when you get embarrassed. Yeah, so it could be something like that where it's something that's focused on me and it's going to embarrass me and you're going to love it.

Yeah, I do like that. I don't think it's painful. Oh, wait, wait. I think I've got my guess. I've got my guess. I've got my guess. But I don't want, in case Dan gets it. No, I know.

They can still be poker-faced about it. Well, close your eyes, Dan. No, you just say it. Close your eyes isn't going to stop from hearing I'm just going to write it My eyes aren't my ears Meg I was going to say if anything block your ears

I'm just going to write it If you're going to get rid of one of the senses No but I'm a good lip reader Okay okay okay How is it Should I close my eyes or my ears

Do both Okay I'm listening with my eyes No Oh Okay what is that Yeah you can say it What do you think My eyes and my ears. Do both. Okay, I'm listening with my eyes. No. No. Oh! Okay, what is that? Yeah, you can say it. What did you think it was?

Damn it. I thought Israel Adesanya was going to punch him in the face. It's better. Is it better than that? It's better than Israel Adesanya coming in. Just because he always says that he'd beat him up, but I thought, oh, fire up, we had him in. Yeah, because Dan reckons he could beat Israel Adesanya in a fight, the UFC

fighter, if Dan had three weeks training at altitude. Yeah, so that's a big call. You'd have to send me away for three weeks at altitude. And that's what Dan's banking on. Never having to prove it because we can't lose him for three weeks at altitude. You could lose me at altitude for three weeks. I could still do the show at altitude. When is he going

on holiday? And if it's at altitude, that's when we should arrange Israel Adesanya to be in studio Monday. My next holiday is Machu Picchu. No, but where are you. When is he going on holiday? And if it's at altitude, that's when we should arrange his ride to Sanya to be in studio Monday. My next holiday is Machu Picchu. No, but where are you going? You are going on holiday. To Melbourne. Is it higher than now? Is it higher than here?

It's higher up the earth. Which is higher above sea level? Melbourne. Melbourne. It will be Melbourne. Or Auckland. Oh, that's Melbourne. It will be Melbourne. Or Auckland. Oh, that's altitude. It will be Melbourne because there's no beaches.

Auckland is higher above sea level than Melbourne. Fuck. Yes, damn it. While most of Melbourne's flat terrain is less than 120 metres above sea level. And I'm only there for three days. I'm only there for three days, so it's not three weeks. What are you doing in Melbourne for three days? I'm going to visit my brother.

Oh, nice. So where are you going this year outside of Auckland? Meg, I don't know. I'm not a Randall so I only do one holiday a year. I would say. So yeah, no. That's my only holiday, Clint.

Yeah, I'm going to a hospital personally. Probably is my only big outing this year. Sounds lovely. Thank you. And Clint,

where are you going this year? Japan. Right. Oh, maybe Clint could train at altitude. Is Japan higher than New Zealand? I bet it is. Let's see you knock out Israel and Asani next time you're in. Dunedin is lower than Auckland,

so I thought if we'd send you to Dunedin or whatever that... No. So you're not going anywhere? No. How can I afford money? Although, no, your wife is rich. Yeah, your wife, you've got double income now. Yeah, but we're not wasting it on just trips.

Portugal's higher above sea level than Auckland. We should have got you to... How long were you there for? Three weeks. So you have been that altitude. So maybe you're already ready to fight Israel. I'm not. Is that what it is?

No, it's not. I could knock him out if he wasn't expecting it. King hit from the back. That's called a coward punch now. Yeah. Oh, but still knocking him out. Someone actually comes and throws it

at you, lovely guy, and I'm just like, hey, Israel. I really don't think even if you tried to hit him from the back, you could do anything to him. Yeah, I honestly don't think you'd knock him out.

Even if you got a chance to punch him at some point during the day, when he was expecting, he still wouldn't get knocked out. I think I would. I know, like, I just googled good place to hit a person on back. On back? You're gonna punch him in the back? The police turned up to

clip the underdent out. I hit him right in the lateral muscles, but he just didn't go down. No, like, back of the head. Anyway. I think this has gone on too long. Okay, well, no, it's more fun and exciting than that for everybody. That's really exciting. Yeah.

But I'm going to hate it. I can't fucking hate you just making it. But what would it be? I hate it. And Meg loves it. Whatever it is, you just like it. I'm excited about it, but it is, you just like it. What are your thoughts on it, Clint? Are you... Oh, it's definitely... I'm excited about it, but it's definitely not for on-air.

Oh, is it a new fucking vacuum or something I'm testing? You fucking wish. That's good. I wish we thought of that. Yeah. Horny little thing. Can you use it up the Sky Tower? No.

I don't know what it could be. On that day, we'll dedicate the podcast to Dan. Dan can have Friday's podcast. It is something that's going to piss me off. Is that what it is? I thought it was like a guest at Megalove and I won't like it. I think initially you're not going to be a fan.

And then I think you'll buy into it. I think over the course of the few days, he'll be like, all right, let's go. He'll psych himself up. Why is it just podcast based? Because it's something to do with your... Is it too rude for on-air, or is it just not good enough for on-air? No, I just think it's probably more of like...

It'll be fun to have a nice little arc running along a few days on the podcast. And also just... I don't know. I don't know if it's... Why are you looking at Megan laughing? I can't fucking wait. Okay.

I can't fucking wait. So we'll tell everyone tomorrow, Carl? So it's not two build-ups? Yeah, yeah. Are we going to be ready? Even if the guests can't come on Wednesday, I think... It's going to be a build-up, so if the guests can't do it, and we've talked about it this whole time...

No, no, no. No, but the guest is an essential, so yeah. Yeah, even if the guests can only do Thursday, I still think there's some gear. There's still quite a bit of chat in it before Friday. Definitely, yeah. Okay. Give the listeners a clue now of something.

I'll take my headphones off if you want. But I feel like we've talked about it heaps and there's nothing that you're giving them. Give us something. Dan said something on air that he thinks he could do. And I think he said it thinking we would never

try and get him to prove it. My absolute favourite thing. So we're going to get him to prove it. And you're right, whatever it is Dan would never try and get him to prove it. My absolute favourite thing. So we're going to get him to prove it. Whatever it is, Dan will then try and get behind it and prove it. Like when he said he could pull a car. Is it something to do with a car? No. No? No.

And Dan's the one who said he could do it. So if he thinks it's disgusting or it's gross or it's too rude or whatever, I'll be like, you fucking said you could do it. I'm not making you do it. You said you could do it. Carl spent a lot of money and a lot of hours making it. So you said you could do it. I'm not making you do it. You said you could do it. Carl spent a lot of money and a lot of hours making it, so you're gonna do it. I fucking can't wait. I can't think of what it is.

Fuck, I've said a lot of shit, haven't I? Yeah. But I'll tell you, this is the last clue. It's gonna bring Dan and I much closer as friends. Okay. He's gonna eat your ass. Oh, fuck. I can't bleep that, sorry. Okay, we'll see you tomorrow.

Jesus. I don't want this podcast dedicated to me anymore. I've never said I could do that. Okay, see ya.