The Edge Breakfast - ONLYFANS I don't understand why I'm wet and heavy...

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

This is a podcast from Rover Come for the chat stay for the trauma bonding this is clipping and dance only fans Podcast that is everybody welcome along to the only fans are not the podcast that is the recap of our radio show That's the other one that's probably underneath this one. That's the one that you'll probably listen to after this one. I Would I what that one is like prepped? there's a lot of time that goes into it, there's a lot more planning. And I will say this actually. This is a bit shoot from the hips sort of vibes. Could you please, we will never ask anything of you, ever, but the one thing I will ask is if you... We'll never ask anything, except this. Except this. If you could please hit the

subscribe and the bell icon on the streaming service which you're listening to this for. Because I tell you what, it helps us out a lot, doesn't it Meg? It helps us out with ratings, it helps us out with pay equity, it helps us out with just anything. I'm gonna ask you for one more thing. No, no, hold on. So it was one thing each. Hold on, but I only said, I just said we'll never ask you. You said you won't ask, what did you say we won't ask?

I said we'll never ask you. You said you won't ask, what did you say we won't ask? I said we. Oh you fucking idiot. Don't speak on behalf of me can I? Because we were going to say if you have a gig that you would like our band if you didn't know we're putting together a band we're gonna do 10 Aged Dirtbag as our first cover. We only do one song so we're not gonna go and play for an hour and a half. If you have a gig where it might be fun for us to show up and do one song can you get in touch with us on the podcast fan page on Facebook and let us know because we are locking down an actual gig on Friday. So if you're, oh my god, you guys should have played this. Say, well, you should have told us about it.

So let us know because we're putting together our finalists for our most fun gigs that we think will go really well. And we'll only show up to gigs where they have liked and subscribed our podcast on Spotify. Anyway. So we land this gig and then we get there and then we just go, hold on a second, we just go check. You haven't, we're not going to play until you subscribe. And then we pack up all of our shit and put it all the way back into Meg's little Honda

Jazz. Little bits. And then we go home. Now the reason Meg's quiet is because she's currently writing a story. Because we haven't done this in a while and it was always a favourite segment of ours on our OnlyFans podcast. Where Meg would read a story and Clint and I provide the sound effects. Normally I have to find some sort of a backing instrumental, Meg, that kind of plays it. Like if it's a cafe or something or the wilderness, so that that can kind of run quietly underneath.

Is there anything I can find for you? It's gonna be a story about our morning, the three of us, but keep talking, I need just a couple more minutes. Just a couple more minutes, Clint, so we can pad for that time. The morning at work, like in the studio? Yeah, just like a nice sort of, I guess, sort of ambience. Office workplace ambience?

Yeah, that'd be good. Okay, let me see what I can find. For ya hmm the office ambience. I'm going to the doctor today just while we're padding. Going to the doctor today for a general checkup. Oh I was gonna say that's gonna be a fun game we have to guess what's wrong with Dan. So no no so I've just changed doctors to a different doctor and this doctor in particular has said that he would like it with all new patients. He does a general health check body full body health check. That's interesting that you're changing doctors not something you do very often in your life. No, no. Yeah, I don't know. This has never happened to me before.

I've always had the same doctor because we've moved quite far away from my doctor. And now I'm just like, oh, you know, I'm going to sign George up my son and me. Hannah's keeping the same doctor but um yeah so I don't is anybody ever have you ever done like full gen like am I gonna have to get nude is that the one when they put their hands on your balls and you cough? Cough hopefully. Yeah I don't know I've never been. Just don't get hard. Although one time. That'd be awkward. Okay. Brand new doctor. I have my story. So I don't think I will. Yeah, but-

If I get hard when he's- Yeah, but okay, when he touches you, this is the way, there's an important question. Are you gonna have your eyes open or closed? I think I'll be laying down. Eyes open or closed. I'll probably close my eyes. Okay, so if you're closed

and you don't see a 77 year old man anymore, all you do is feel someone with probably very soft hands cupping your balls. I wasn't privy to any of this conversation because I was doing this and I'm just coming now. Yeah. Do we want to leave that where it is? Yes, let's park it. Okay, just wanted to get...

Alright, well, if you get hard it's your fault because we're going to try and help you avoid that. Pre-warning. I have not written nor pre-read this chat GBT story I asked it to write for me. Okay. But we are providing all sound effects. You two are both providing sound effects. One at a time. If one sound... I'm not gonna... I could point to you both.

But why not sound effects? Eengs, that'll be the next person. We'll just alternate. Okay. Thank you. Here we go. The morning the studio went feral. Clint's alarm blasted in his ear like a dying firework. Dun-a-nuna, dun-a-nuna, dun-a-nuna, dun-a-nuna.

He slapped it three times before realising it was his phone. Dun-a-nuna, dun-a-nuna, dun-a-nuna, dun-a-nuna. Not the actual clock, an accidently answer called from his dentist. Hello, Clinton, it's your dentist. Muffled yelling and drills followed as he stumbled out of bed. He strutted into the studio, sipping a triple shot oat latte, and confidently chewing a stale gas station croissant

like it was a fine French pastry. The door creaked open behind him. Meg arrived next, breathless and juggling her daughter's glittery lunchbox. A keg cup and a rogue banana. She didn't remember packing. She dropped everything onto the desk and flopped onto her chair. Jesus Christ.

Come on, I'm just trying to focus. Can we stop for a second? I'm trying to focus. I'm doing this story. You've made me sound like a fucking ogre. Clint, I've worked with you after this. He did the doujou. I just said that. I don't understand why I'm wet and story. You've made me sound like a fucking ogre, Clint. Now I've worked with you after this. He did the douche. I just said that.

I don't understand why I'm wet and heavy, Clint Dan. Why are you wet? I don't make you wet. Yes, I flopped on the chair and you were like, splash. Yeah, the chair could have been wet. True, true. Just because I'm paying attention to the story doesn't mean that you can make me a fucking... Okay, go back.

Do you know what I think this is lacking, though? The thing I really loved about this was Meg making it up on the fly and I was having to try and facilitate her chat Whereas this is already pre-written so Meg can't take this to interesting fun places I'm just following where the AI is taking me Yeah, but I don't think AI does a better job than you Oh, thank you Um, okay. Well, I arrived breathless and juggling my daughter's punch-rock No, I don't fucking breathe like that

It said breathless Yeah, breath, so why are you going? Uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh. Don't make it fucking hot. Thank you. Jesus. Oh my god. No, again, I'm not thudding.

I didn't even say I was thudding. Gee, fuck. Okay, I'm breathless, clen- juggling my daughter's glittery lunchbox, keg cup, and banana. I drop everything on the desk. Shhh.

From a fucking height. Did she drop it from the sky tower? Oh my god, okay. And I flopped onto my chair. No. Fucking, you can't be trusted. Anyway, wasn't your fucking turn, Weeby? It was my turn.

Oh, light is out. Thanks, Split. And side. Oh. Oh, light is out. Excellent. And side. Oh, she wanted sexy. She wanted sexy. I'll do it again. Less sexy. The deep soul-worn sigh of a woman who stepped on a Lego this morning. Oh no, wrong sigh.

Wrong sigh, I should have read that first. Oh Jesus Christ. Okay, then came Dan. He exploded through the door. Oh, that gave me a bit more passion. He's just little. He exploded through the door in a flurry of half buttoned shirt and panic sweats. You're wet. You're the fucking wet one.

Megan and I have just had a bit of a moment outside the door. Holding a Tupperware containing sloshed overnight oats. He smelled suspicious, I don't know why they've made you like this by the way Dan, he smelled suspiciously like seafood soup left out of the sun I didn't ask him I swear to god I didn't ask

Jesus Hmm When he walked in he regagged Grrrr What's the gpt got against you? God has even said Even the security camera blinked in horror Blink blink God has even said... Even the security camera blinked in horror! What is this?

Clint leaned back, relaxed, and accidentally hit the big red Do not touch this button on the console A siren blared Brr! Brr! Then the phone rang. Confused, Meg answered Hello? No, no Hi. Hello, Meg speaking

That's not Meg. That's not my Meg voice. Hi. Hello. Hi it's Meg speaking. You're listening to the Edge. Okay. She was greeted by the... Okay, whose turn is it?

Hold on a second. Whose turn? It's Clint. That's great. She was greeted by the unmistakable voice of Morgan Freeman. Hello Meg. Edge, Meg speaking. Is this Andy Dufresne? Fucking hell, Morgan said...

This is Andy Dufresne. I'm trying to get a hold of Andy Dufresne. Is this Andy Dufresne? Hello? Is anyone there? Dan dropped his oats Somebody dropped your guts Yeah, fuck you dropped your overnight oats Disgusting Fuck you, you smelly bitch your guts that what I think it is I think you drop girls from a ranch in Alabama Clint whispered I think I just called God and then no I think I just called God sure the lights flickered a low growl echoed from above

Something was moving in the ceiling the tile shifted The wires tripled and then crash a possum fell from the ceiling and landed on Dan's head heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. He shrieked. Clint dug behind the Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Remind me Dan was screaming He said it's on my spine I can feel its tiny hands. It's on my spine. I can feel its tiny hands. Why am I gay? Being gripped up with a demon denim jacket twirled it like a bullfighter and shouted not today Not today, not today not today. Not today! Not today! Oh god pathetic!

We're down to pathetic in your story. Not today! Okay right. Dan, just as the possum prepared to lunge again the studio speakers crackled to life. And Christopher Walken's voice drifted out of nowhere. Wow, that's a large rat. Are you okay? Wow, that's a large rat. Are you okay? Goddamnit.

Why is he getting all the impressions? Who's Christopher Walken? Christopher Walken! Christopher Walken. My name's Christopher Walken. Is he deaf? No. No. No. my name's Christopher Walken. What?! He talks like that?

No, I can't, I don't prescribe to be very good at it either. Christopher... Walken... He goes... He goes... Oh, what do you want? What? I'm Christopher Walken!

I'm Christopher Walken! I'm Christopher Walken! I'm fucking Christopher Walken here! I don't... Chris, what's the most... If you could have anything in the world, what would you want? Well... I'd want a tail. Why, Chris?

Well, if I was happy, my tail would be out. Oh, it's the guy. It's the guy from... Bitter. From doing crashes. Christopher Walken's voice drifted out of nowhere. Wow, that's a large rat. Are you okay? Yeah, well, that's a large rat. Are you okay? No one responded

Anyone okay, I'm still here I'm looking for Okay! The possum. I don't know how that made sense. They say they're gonna take our jobs. Oh fuck, okay. Jesus. I've just done all that.

Just got out of bed? Right a story. Right, okay. Um, okay. I, uh... I woke up and my alarm was playing Taylor Swift. What? And then it took me a little while to like find the phone and turn it off. And that fucked me off. Shhh... Shut. Shut! Shut! to like find the phone and turn it off and that fucked me off. It's a love story.

Shut! Shut! And then my cat Plum got a fry and she like bound over top of me and I swore at her. Meow! Oh fuck you Plum! Meow! And then like I just lay there breathing for a little while and I was thinking in my head And I'm lying there and then I pulled the duvet off me And then I shuffle like my feet to like fall off the edge of the bed but I'm still lying flat.

Doosh doosh. Okay. And then I slowly like push myself up. One more, one more, one more. This is actually really, I'm kind of even mad at it, it's pretty extra as well. Guys! Guys! Okay, I put on my slippers. Everything's fucking weird. You need a tea and a pot.

You need a tea and a pot for Christmas You need a tea. You little pie for Christmas. Two of them, wouldn't it? And then I shuffle to the bathroom. Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Turn on the shower. Oh, bad pressure, bad pressure. That pushes me up. Okay, that's better, that's better.

And then I take off my top. Oh no. That was I take off my top. Oh no. It was a wet suit apparently. She got in the shower before she took a towel. No, no, I've just turned the shower on. I turn my top and then I tip my undies off. Tilt my slippers off. Oh, that's horrid.

And then I get in the shower. And I wash everything very thoroughly. Very thoroughly. I scrub it. Then I have a quick shave. Oh, I actually, and then I brush my teeth with my electric toothbrush for like two minutes and I stand in the shower and I brush my teeth in the shower. And I normally squirt out some more like soap and stuff and I scrub my body again Spit a few times spit out the tomato sauce

And I'll put my you know undies on my pants on So damp I'm so damp all the time. You do need to do midify. Do you midify? Should we start again? Holy shit. Holy shit. Rover.

Music. Radio. Podcasts.