The Edge Breakfast - ONLYFANS i'd rather shit myself

Episode Date: December 17, 2025

This is a podcast from Rover. Welcome to the podcast. That should have been cancelled before it even started. This is Clint Big and Dan's OnlyFans. Podcast, that is. Welcome to The OnlyFans podcast. Clint and Dan, just the two of us. We've finished our radio show.

Come on, sing along with me, Clint. Just the two of us. We can make it if we try. Just the two of us. Clinton and I. Anyway, Neep here has said that there is something. that is being prepared for this podcast. I don't know what it is, but he said it's

at the top of some button bar. I don't know where it is. Clint, you press the buttons. Is it the one that says only fans? That'll be it. Play this. Could be. Okay. Does it need any intro? How fast can a bee fly?

How fast can a person run? Turns out a bee wins no contest of a distance, but a human can briefly outrun a honeybee if They are... Usain Bolt.

If you're an elite sprinter, if you're an elite sprinter or Yusin'Bolt, you're running in the 40-kilomer and hour zone. This actually does sound like probably me when I go back to my Insta story the next morning, and I go, how long's that been up? Delete, delete, delete, delete.

That was just a conversation we had on here today. It's been slowed down to sound like we're high. Yeah. when we were talking about McCauley Colkin's performance and my girl when he gets stung by bees turns out back then you could just cover a kid in actual honey

and just tell him he'd be sweet and if he started getting stung too much just to run. He said it would never wash this day and age in movie making there's like so I guess PC gone mad you know there's all these safety concerns and stuff not back then

the director's defence was that you can outrun a bee McCauley Colkin was like at 10 turns out not I don't think many kids are running 30 kilometres an hour at age 10. I've seen a few interviews with McCauley Colkin. He's got an incredible memory for, like,

because he would have been what, I think, when he filmed my girl, maybe 12 or 13. I don't know, someone will Google it. But, like, he remembers a lot of detail from that time. Like, he remembers the beekeeper telling him you can run away from a bee. Like, that's a very specific. I think it's probably because he was experiencing, like, peak life experience. at like age

9 or 10, you know what I mean? Like it's so different that your brain goes, this is wild and he remembers it? But it wouldn't be for him. That's just the norm. Like peak life different. He's probably going yes, I'm privileged and I'm doing movies. But at the end of the day, that's just his life. Because I'm like, when we were

to him, we're just like riding our bikes and play and go home stay home. Because we played so often, it's not memorable. Whereas if I was filming a movie and they're like, we're going to cover you on honey and then bees are going to be buzzing all around your face. I feel like that's core memory stuff for a kid. I remember playing go-home stay-home one time at my friend's place

the Dodds. We used to live down the road from them the Dodds and I shat myself and poked my shitty knickers into the gap between there There's not Logan Dodds, is it? No, no, no, Dodd. The last name Dodd. But anyway, I shoved my poo-y knickers into their

they had like this tree house that was up a tree and there was a branch that was like holding the tree house up and I remember shoving my knickers in there. Just going no one I'll ever find them. I'm sure one they pulled down that tree house and found these pair of like soil knickers. Why, why, um, did you shoot yourself?

Stress. Probably go home, stay home. It's a stressful day. Here I come, Dan's like, no! Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I remember as well, I, um, oh fuck, this is a guy. I'd chat myself quite a bit when I was a kid.

I remember I went over to Kyle's house, my friend, who lived in Howick. And we were playing, I was like a dress-up thing, and I was dressed up as Spider-Man. I remember shooting myself in the Spider-Man costume, but because I think I'd had too much, like, there was, you know, it was like a real sugary lunch.

And I remember... No excuse, though, by the way. And I remember going, fuck. Like, I would have been, like, 9 or 10 at this point, so not too... Old enough to know not to shoot yourself. Yeah. And I remember that, because it was a onesie costume.

Like, it was a nightmare. I had to take the whole fucking thing off to get my undies off. So I remember going into Kyle's, like, um, toilet, and it didn't have a lock, and it was so stressful. I had to take my thing off, remove my undies. So I was like, Commando at his house in this, like, Spider-Man costume for the whole day.

So embarrassing. And I remember stuffing those knickers into the bricks outside his house. So he had a brick house. There was a brick that was a little bit loose and I pulled the brick out, shoved them in and then put the brick back in. So someone that did some renovations on that house

would have been like, Kyle, these your shit knickers. How many, like, pairs of your shitty undies are just scattered across Auckland? Don't pull the walls off. this room. Like it's just about at the point where we could get a double deck of sightseeing bus and tape to it, people on a tour of dance

shitty undies. Yeah, I don't remember doing that as a kid. I mean, I must. When you're a kid, you were at least gone through it probably once, but I don't remember doing it. I was a bedwetter too, like a bedweder and of Andy Pua. Yeah, I remember I stayed at my cousin's house and my mum had to tell my auntie Rachel to put a plastic sheet down

because he had bunks and she didn't want me pissing on her son. I was like, I was the top bunk. So they had to put like plastic sheets down. I was a bed like a late bed wetter too and I had to go off to school camp actually my mum's in the booth at the moment

remember I had to go to school camp and mum sent me off with two sleeping bags and double wrap sure enough I did piss one of them and had to go to the second oh so you weren't sleeping in both that would have been stupid wouldn't it actually but yeah so you've got a spear

just in case. I mean Carl's all families he's got his mom here He's got his little girl here, his wife's here. You know, there's nothing to be ashamed of bedwetting. I think I was doing it until I was like 12 as well, like really bad. And I don't know why. It was just, I think it was, I went to the doctor and everything.

I remember the doctor, like, looking at my wally and saying everything seems to be above board here. A little bit on the small side, but whether that's not the issue. He'll grow into it. Did you have to do all the plastic sheets? So like your whole child or you're just rustling around? Yeah, plastic. So there'd be like the normal sheet, and then under that it would be a plastic sheet. even sometimes we would, my mum put

like newspaper down. Like I was a fucking cat. Have you guys taken like truth theorem or something this morning? I don't know. Man, we didn't be ashamed of stuff. Like I at one stage had this little like electronic like clip thing clip onto my undies and it was like a

moisture meter. So as soon as it felt any moisture it would like it would wake you up. God, you were really bad. I was fucked a mum. I wasn't. A moisture meter. It sounds like one of those things your parents told you it was like like if there was too much moisture

it would electrocute you but it was all bullshit like it would just freak you out as a kid and make you get up and go to your robotic function you're like the Stephen Hawking of bed wetting pretty much it was bad like how many you had to take you to a specialist and everything yeah yeah

how much does it cost to take a kid to a specialist bedwetter is it expensive so there was a monitor I remember distinctly going to the doctor and Dr Anderson and he's laid me down and I said I'm wetting the bed

I think my mum said that I'll probably fucking embarrassed and he goes Take your pants off and we'll have a look And I remember him telling me how to we And I remember him saying Do you squeeze your Wollie before you Like after you've gone to the toilet

And I said I don't know And he said So he showed me you like squeeze it like a tube Like a You know like a toothpaste You squeeze it so you get everything out Oh you can't be wet in your bed Because you're leaving a little bit in the hose

And I remember being like that's not going to help I don't know why he needs to see your penis to determine why you're wet in the bed. That seems unorthodox. I know, I know. That sounds like the same guy that Joey goes to him pants. God, why is your reference is always about friends? And he says them like everybody knows.

That's how they measure pants. So far behind, like so many years ago, like 20 years ago they watched, most people would have watched that episode. And now they have to go back into their filing cabinet in their brain to go, right, that Friends episode. Right, where? Oh, go shit yourself again, wearing me And then go hide your undies

I'll hide them in your bag And then you'll get home And Jamie will go, you're not again, Clinton And you're wearing Rios? Interesting Do we have to do another show tomorrow? Yes

I know Well, you know what we should do Ash had the day of today Maybe we call in last minute tomorrow And then she has to do the show by herself True You know, even my FM Because I don't know

The Ash London show early My FM's like right across the what is it, like 20 metres from here? Yeah, I could throw a rock at them right now if I wanted. Not that I would. No, obviously. But one of the boys on my, have just decided this morning after already coming in,

he just wasn't going to do the show and left and taking his annual leave early even after already getting up at four to be here by five. He's got, we get birthday leave. So every month, like, if it's your birthday, you get a day off in your month of birth. And so he's exercising his birthday leave today. Yeah, but you think you'd already finish the Thursday

and then take the Friday off with your birthday He was already here. If you've dragged yourself to the finish line, you may as well drag yourself over it. That's like doing a marathon, falling over with 100 metres to go, and then just going, oh, fuck, I basically did it. No, drag yourself over the line.

Yeah, we're here. Yeah. Struggling through, yes, but we're here. I've just literally filled a podcast talking about how I pissed my... Carl pissed himself. I shat myself. What are you got, Clint?

What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done? Fucking perfect cunt. Sorry Carl's mum's in the booth He's sincerely like laughing at us Looking down from his like high horse You've done some stuff What have you done?

I hear you You say some stuff And I'll say if I've done it You say some embarrassing stuff you've done And I'll go yep me too No Because then no No

No I refuse to do anymore I've already The things I've talked about on this podcast Yeah you're a massive oversharer, but it's also one of the things I'd love about you most. Exactly, so I'd love you more if you overshared a little bit more. Oh, but I just

wasn't an embarrassing kid. I was a pretty cool kid. You weren't a cool kid. I've heard some stories about how you used to cry yourself to, like, you didn't have any friends you used to go to the sick bag. That was an intermediate. I'm fucking loser. What a fucking loser.

I'd rather shit myself. Yes, okay, Dan. I decided to go to an intermediate that none of my friends from primary school decided to go to because at the open day, turns out this intermediate had a gym that you could work out and I thought I was going to get like a jacked 11-year-old. Turns out we used the gym like once a year as a class. So I knew nobody. So then I just used to toddle off to the sick bay and I just just sit there in the sick bay.

His only friend was Deborah, the sick bay woman. What a sad story. Every morning tea and every lunchtime. I just wait for the time to part. to pick me guy, like turning out going, oh, no, I'm just... I would just go and sit in the corner, like, just sit in the corner and play with odd boys. No, I didn't want anyone to see me being a loser.

So I went and sat in the sick baby and no one could see me. And then when other kids would come in, they'd be like, are you all good? I was like, yeah, a headache. Yeah, but you, those teachers would have bitched about you. They'd be like, they're fucking loser Clintson again. Look at it in the head. And then, um, just with my mum, because you wouldn't pull me out of into me there, because she'd just spent like $300 or something on a school uniform.

Oh, cool, mum. That's the price of my happiness, obviously. like less than 300 so eventually because I was miserable God knows how long it felt like forever but maybe it was only two or three weeks

Mom was finally like right we're going to pull you out of school but then I ended up joining like the football team and the softball team and he came to Zach Efron of the school cool I was still shitter myself at Kyle Rainswood's house and Howick

I made friends with a bunch of either doesn't there no one messed with me Sephaniah Solomona Messi shout out to you boys no one mess with me after that that's it that's the embarrassing thing he played football

yeah there you go that's Clint's embarrassing thing yeah although one guy tried to still mess with me Carl Pomere he um punched me over the um the railing after school one day but then he didn't come to school the next day because sefinae calisimasi he chased him and then we didn't catch him

but then he said don't worry when he comes to school tomorrow we're going to smash him but then he didn't come to school for three days and then excuse he just like coward punched me and then didn't shop to school and then all of a sudden I got called into Mr. Gray's office

and then when I go into the office I'm like why am I being asked to go to the dean's office I haven't done anything and as I get in there I'm like there's bloody Carl Palmerer sitting there on his chair oh Carl's got something you like to say to you I'd look to apologize

yeah because you don't want to get the shit beaten out of you at lunchtime today yeah but it wasn't you that was doing it was one of your boys no it was my boys I surrounded myself with the right people to look after me because I was a tiny little skinny

lanky white boy you're like one of those bosses and those villains you know the villains in those shitty like movies where they're like, what do you want to do, boss? And you're like, same thing we do every time, beat up the little kids. And then they're like, go, hey boss, what are you? That's you.

You're one of those guys. Am I the guy saying, hey, boss, or am I the boss? No, you're the boss. So I'm the guy that I'm like, hey boss, what are we going to do today, boss? You're like, I don't know. That's you anyway. Yeah. But then we didn't end up beating him up.

We just learned to a synchronized dance to get you, get you, get you, get your head in the game. That was another reference A bunch of virgins Probably were Yeah, no we were It was intermediate mate Far out, calm down No one was banging an intermediate

Not back then They probably are now You know I was also friends I won't say his name Jay is his name Not last name I won't say that But he

I remember going to his house This was at high school now And He had Tony Hawk pro skater Okay And it was cool It was like the new game out And I was like

Oh my God I'd love to have that And my most prize position Was the Sabaru Impraza World Rally Car Model It was like a 118th scale It cost me about $200

My granddad gave me the money For it for it for Christmas And I went and got it Damn I took it over to Jay's house What's his last name? Harris And he was a lovely guy

To be honest And not to blame Jay because he was a lovely guy but I swapped my Sabaru model for this Tony Hawk game and I've still got the game to this day I was looking on Trade Me the other day of the same model I had popped up

it's worth $3,000 it's selling on Trade Me for $3,000 so I was like fuck that I messaged Jay didn't you actually when did you message him like yesterday or what he Let me find it No, it was like a week ago

Jay, where do you be? And this is from what? Intermediate. Intermediate times, yeah, sorry, can you edit this? Did you have a PlayStation to be able to actually play to you? Yeah, I had PlayStation. Okay, so it wasn't like you just had a game and then had nowhere to play.

No, no, no, no, no. Tony was sick. Here he is. So, Jay Harris. So I said, hi, Jay, blast from the past here. I want my fucking car, right? Not sure if you remember, we used to be roommates at how at college. I hope you're well.

It's been a long time. I know this is super random. Yeah, it's being decades. But do you remember years ago I swapped a Sabaru rally model car with you for a Tony Hawk CD? I should have said game. Anyway, long story short, it was originally a Christmas gift from my grandfather who isn't well at the moment.

He is dead, but I just made it sound like he's honest dear for you. I thought you're going to tell him, bro, that's worth three grand if you still got it now. Good luck. You want it back? It would mean a lot if I could get it back from you. Would be happy to buy it off you, of course, as I'm sure it was a fair trade originally. Anyway, chances you still have it are very swillam. Two days later, he gets back to me.

Hey, mate, sorry to hear about your dad. I mean, your granddad. Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I don't think he's going to make it. Yeah. I checked with my bro who I gave it to, and he doesn't have it anymore. I'm so sorry. Now I feel stink.

And I didn't text him back after that. Prick. Because you realize you weren't going to get your three grand. Yeah, it was useless to me. You were so funny. I know. You were so funny because that's not a fake story because I can see the text exchange between the two of me. So you can hit up a guy two decades later

trying to get an old car back because it's worth three grand now. November 27th, oh here's my wife's wearing me. Hello, my heart. My hand is. Oh, are you at the door? Yeah. Okay, I'll come and let you in.

Okay, bye. Oh, yeah, we've got like a kid's Christmas thing at work at 10.30, which is pretty much now. Because I said Santa's going to be here and he's giving presents to all the kids and he couldn't miss it. Oh, that's nice. So I'll go and get him, eh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your wife wearing? Something hot probably. No, it's like just a track suit Oh yeah, I love a track suit No, then no, she's not wearing a track suit She's not coming in, I'm going to tell her to leave Tell her, I said hey

Actually, I'll come out and go see her I like flirting with Dan's wife It's all just jokes It's all just jokes, but I just like that he bites Oh, stoked, does Hannah here? Yeah, yeah Oh, me, man's lands, legs Yeah.

And nah, more like a hen year. All right. See you guys. I regret that. But not enough to go back and edit it. See ya. Rover. Music, radio, podcasts.