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This is a podcast from Rover.
Not your mum's podcast, unless she's into absolute filth.
In which case, respect.
This is Clint, Meg and Dan's OnlyFans.
Podcast that is.
Shoulder! Welcome to the OnlyFans everybody.
Good to be here.
Clint and Dan here.
Ash jumped in on the show, Ash London, who if you haven't heard
is filling in for Meg's Mat- Lee, for the next four months.
She did seven to nine, so jumped in, helped us out for a couple of hours, and then we were like, right, get out of here, because she's still not 100. Fascinating story, backstory about her,
and because she's the boss's wife. I just was randomly saying to her during a song,
and I was hoping to get the full story in the podcast saying, oh how long have you been married?
And she was like, oh seven years.
And I was like, oh cool, so how long have you guys been together?
And she was like, eight.
I was like, whoa, hold on, only a year dating to married.
And then I was like, so what happened?
She goes, oh, as soon as I saw him, I was like, I said to someone, I'm going to, who's
that?
I'm going to marry that man.
Yeah.
When you know, you know though.
When you know, you know.
People say love at first sight and stuff, but that's like genuine.
Like she was like, oh my God, I'm going to marry that man. Who are they?
When I met my wife Hannah, we met on Bumble.
I was like, unless she's crazy and I haven't picked that up on the first date,
I want to marry her.
What?
But like not to the point where I was like, I'm gonna pop the question tomorrow.
Maybe it depends on what age you are,
cause you, you know, like if you're in a zone
where you're like, I'm marriage ready.
I was like 32 at the time, so maybe I was.
But I'd been on like, I'd had relationships,
well one relationship before,
but I knew that that relationship,
through the whole existence of it,
that it wasn't gonna work, you know?
So, I think you know. But you stayed for the sex.
Yeah, no I definitely didn't. No, that wasn't gonna work, you know? So, I think you know, yeah.
No, I definitely didn't.
No, that wasn't happening very often.
Yeah, so, yeah, I think so.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe in that, I do.
Why didn't you pull the pin
with the one you knew wasn't gonna work and?
Oh God, it was because, you know, when you get into a,
and there'll be people that,
I think this happens to everybody when you're young and you're in a relationship.
It sort of becomes...
It's easier just to stay on it for a little bit longer
because you know the admin of the breakout.
Because I was living with her.
So I'd moved...
I remember the day we moved in, I was like, this is not going to work.
I remember thinking that when I was packing the trailer
and something happened and we were bickering and
I remember like driving to her house moving all the shit
I owned and from my flat into her house
And I remember going this is not gonna work thinking about it
And then we stayed stayed together in a year after that. Oh my gosh
There must be some good times though for you to be like I could work even though you know dead down it won't but you know
I think you're trying to convince yourself.
I think when you get older, you go,
I'm not wasting my time here.
But because I was in my 20s, so I was kinda like,
ah, I'll do it eventually.
And then you just say, life gets in the way,
you put things off, you put things off,
you put things off, and then eventually
there was a stick that broke the camel's back,
and I was just like, I'm done.
But I thought the whole love at first sight thing
had to be like, mutual.
So like, you see them, and they really see see you and you just say, oh my God, like
we are falling in love at first sight.
Whereas see Ash's scenario, she was like, who is that across the room?
I'm going to marry that guy.
And you're going, I'm going to marry this girl.
I thought it had to be like a very
mutual thing or was she looking at you like you knew she was she says that
She felt the same and I'd like to chat to ash about her story
Yeah, but we'll get it tomorrow. She's a bit better and she can hang around a bit longer
Yeah, and then yeah, it's an interesting one because I think you're right Clint
Like there is a certain degree of like you go. I'm ready now and there's not that you're like
You you're just taking the next person you know you're like
all right you're it but it was I felt really strong I remember walking home after our date
she got a taxi and drove home and I walked home because I was near nearby and I remember like
smiling from ear to ear being like she's the one she's the one. But they're now gutting if like you
go oh that was so great I'd love to do that again she's like ah I didn't really vibe it and you'd be like
But that's called limerence Meg's told us about that before where it's like this thing where you are fully
infatuated with someone you love them but they don't give it back and so it's
like it's unrequited love but it's a real strong feeling of it limerence. So it very
quickly changes from love to limerence just whether they feel the same. Yeah and
I think a lot of people have that with friends.
So like maybe you are at high school and you've got a best friend
that's of the opposite sex, or maybe the same sex depending on how you go.
But I mean, and you, they see you as a friend and only a friend and you're in love with them.
I had that with Arnie.
Yeah, see, limerence.
We even shared a locker together in high school.
So we'd always joke and flirt all the time.
And then sometimes, because her mum was a teacher,
her mum wouldn't maybe leave school till four or 4.30.
She'd kind of be hanging around.
She's like, what are you doing?
I'm just going to bus home.
She's like, oh, can I come back to yours for a bit?
Here we go.
So then she'd bus back to mine.
And then we'd hang out and we'd sit on the bed and joke and laugh and stuff.
But I never got a sign that was big enough to go green light like we're on
it was always like this but I'm like but what are you doing we share a locker
together you're coming home with me hanging out on my bed like hanging on me
all the time was like what is what is this? Because I was definitely keen on her.
But did you get did you say did you like lay a move or like say I like you?
Because that's what I think that's always a lesson to shoot your shot even if they're your best friend because you'd...
Yeah maybe that's why I'm all about that now because I probably didn't then.
Because I think there was many times when I was at high school where there was girls I was like I wish I'd just shot my shot.
And then at least...
Because I never had a girlfriend because I was too scared to them to go oh no not you.
Wait so how many girlfriends did you have before you got married?
One.
Did you say what or one?
One.
How many girlfriends did you have before you got married?
One.
Oh, you did say one.
One.
Yeah, well like, I guess you'd say, do you count high school though?
Because I had like one or two at high school,
but yeah, I don't even know if they're real.
What did you guys do?
Nothing.
Okay, then you can't count.
Yeah, no.
Nah.
You didn't do anything.
You didn't even kiss.
Oh.
In high school?
Jeez, how frigid were you?
Okay, so I kissed, I had a pash once
at the start of high school in third form.
I remember it because it tasted like a whopper
because we'd just had a burger case.
Had the whopper.
Yeah. Yeah, I had a barbeper because it just had a burger king. Who had the whopper?
Yeah I had a barbecue bacon double cheeseburger number eight. Oh wouldn't you have tasted like Burger King as well? She can taste like Burger King if you do.
Yeah anyway so I remember just the kiss tasted like whopper so I remember it. I remember it was
cold it felt cold like on the tongue. Anyway. Like a cold whopper. And then I never had. With cheese?
I can't remember. Whopper with cheese. Whopper with cheese. Had barbecue sauces pretty Anyway, and then I never had... With cheese?
I can't remember. Co-wopper with cheese, add barbecue sauce is pretty elite.
Anyway, so then I don't think I had any action
until my girlfriend I moved in with.
At 23, sorry.
23, sorry.
Shut up, you're just joking. I swear. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 44, 45, 45, 44, 45, 45, 44, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, keep your goodies tight. Yeah. Don't let the girls take them. I kept them locked down. Yeah. I kept that. There were so many layers wrapping up your goodies that no one was going
to get to it. Sometimes I wore two pairs of undies. Yeah. And that's not because I was
in continent. So I used to show yourself a lot so you could take one off. Oh well that's
the inside layer gone. You were looking at that dang guy like you were you know pretty
interested. Wait isn't that the guy that like you were, you know, pretty interested.
Well, isn't that the guy that wears two bed undies
because he shits himself?
And I'd be like, hey, no, no, no.
No.
Not because I shit myself.
Just trying to keep my goodies tight.
I'm trying to keep it locked down.
You will never get this.
So anyway, yeah.
So, I think the long story short,
you love at first sight.
That's the thing.
So you believe in it.
I think so. Yeah. So it worked at first sight. So you believe in it? I think so.
Yeah, so they worked out for you.
So you're saying that your love at first sight with your wife Jamie, you didn't have it.
It took you a while to get into the...
Well I think the thing is that we met when I was 19.
So I wasn't like, I'm going to marry her because when you're 19 you're not really thinking
about that.
So maybe it is like an age thing.
Like you say, you get to a stage where you're ready and then when
you're going on a first date you're going could I marry could I see myself
marrying this person yeah like I bet Nieps doesn't do that producer Nieps I
wonder if he's just chucking his headphones on do you when you go on a
date this is probably be giving away maybe a little too much info but are
you at any point on your first date going?
Having the thought
I wonder if I could marry this girl
Is she marriage material to be honest if I if I went on a date with you like I'm not the kind of person
To date to have fun right like I I would ideally now be dating to marry
So if I'm going on a date with you, then I can potentially see something like that.
So you're actually thinking it at least,
not out loud, but you're going,
I wonder if I could marry this girl.
And it's not like, oh, this is the be all end all,
if this doesn't work, then I'm not gonna marry her.
But I don't really date two for the sake of dating,
because that's not fun.
It's more anxiety than anything.
If you've got any girls that you're matched with
on Tinder right now, they're unmatched and quick.
They're like, Jesus, dating to marry, get me out.
But actually, it will get rid of the girls that you,
if you are wanting a future
and then you just wanna fuck around,
well then good, you're filtering them out.
Exactly, you've gotta do, you know,
the things that work for you, the things that don't work for you.
Maybe there needs to be a filter on
Dating sites dating to marry and then tick or no
There's there's some like prompts on hinge which is like one of the dating apps
I use and it's like you're interested in a short term relationship
But you're open to a long term relationship if you're just looking for fun if you only want a long term relationship
And like keen for anal. Yeah. yeah, that's a big one too.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Is that not a...
Carl hasn't been in the dating app at all.
I haven't been in the conversation at all.
Sorry guys, I'm freezing out.
He's on Bumble, not Bumble.
But yeah, I think honestly there probably needs to be more guys like Hugh Neeps out there
because I think a lot of them, from what I've heard the dating apps,
there's been most of them like Carl.
Some of them are pretty dire. You're on bum-bombing cars on bumhole. Yeah yeah he is. Yeah that's a better gag actually I wish I'd done that one. It is pretty good.
Maybe he likes anal too. Okay okay let's end it there right. Yeah. Let's finish it up with the anal stuff. Come on. That's what Carl said. There's too many guys. We need
Ash or Meg. We need another favourite. Caitlin from Promo's is out here. Anything to her?
Just say something. What are you looking for? I've also heard that Carl likes it up the
bum. Yes, okay. I love how we were talking about love at first sight and whether you
can picture yourself marrying and then we go to the booth and Carl gets on the mic.
Yeah, he's a buddy.
Sorry!
He's a nightmare.
What about you, Katie?
What was the question?
When you were dating before, because we know you're happily hitched up now,
but when you, before you were hitched up and you were going on dates,
are you going on it for, like going on these dates for a long-term relationship?
Ideally marriage.
At any point in your head, like on first date,
are you going, I wonder if I could,
is this long-term, can I see
if I'm marrying this person? Every girl does.
Really? Every girl does, yep.
Even if they don't say they are.
That's the difference between men and woman dating,
girls look for a husband.
Great, so I'm a big girl, fantastic.
I thought it would have been, like maybe,
like date 10, you start going, okay I want...
Date 10?
Well I don't know the first date's just fun.
Date 10 you're married.
Second date is like flirty and fun because you're getting to know each other a little
more but I'm wondering when I don't think the marriage thought came in until I don't
know like weeks, months.
Girls, girls have a checklist of like if that can be husband material or not.
I was moved in with Hannah after three months, I think.
Oh my God, man.
Wow, you know, you know.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
No.
Yeah, I see.
No, I think it builds,
but I think when women date, they look,
well, I made them wait for about six months anyway
yeah that's how my wife got me oh oh she made me wait till we got married yeah so I definitely
yeah I was like okay she's serious um yeah because Dan was like love at first sight and then Ash was
like she saw her husband and then she was like, who's that guy across the room?
And then they were like, oh, that's AB.
She didn't have her glasses on.
And then she made ABs.
And they go, why? And she goes, I'm going to marry that man.
I was like, what? This is wild.
I think you definitely have a checklist in your head.
And then that's why girls from the start, like all my friends when they're dating, they're like, oh, I know, I could see him be my boyfriend,
I could see him be my husband, he'd be a good dad.
Like from get go, people can tell where they're gonna be.
Okay, what's the checklist?
What's like, what's a lot of girls top three, do you think?
Or like, three things that are in their top 10
that we don't know maybe they're looking for?
I'd say good with kids.
Okay, so on a first date, if you set up an example,
a scenario where your brother
bumped into you at the cafe and he's got his kid and then you're like oh sorry
hey there's my brother and his little girl my niece and then you pick her up
and hi darling, that would be like creepy because you've set the
scenario up but if she didn't know wouldn't you point? Put a ring on it like
if someone was like that absolutely put a ring on it. That, go with dogs, a gentleman.
Just take her to an off-league dog park,
even though you don't have one.
Yeah, that's husband material.
Go with dogs and babies.
Yeah.
All right.
Wow, there we go.
I wonder if there's gotta be some crazy dudes out there
that are doing that, that are G-ing up fake situations
to give themself fake brownie points.
I got one right now. My flatmate's seeing a new chick off a dating app and he hates dogs.
Cannot stand them. First date she asked,
oh what's that dog in your profile picture?
Oh that's Emma, that's my flatmate's dog.
She's so beautiful, beautiful old lady.
Gets home from the date, I hate that dog, I'm going to kick it.
Like, it's so bad.
Yeah, I mean, sometimes you've gotta do a bit of lying on a date as well, if you really like them.
I mean, I don't know, how would you feel
if you found out, Katie, you're not lying
if your brother comes up to a cafe with his kid,
which is your niece, and you created a nice cute moment
so that your date could see you in that
environment. There's not a lie but it is a little weird that you would
deliberately set it up so that they would witness it.
Nah, I think that's a fair game. Honestly, you've got to do what you've got to do to impress a girl out here.
So you hit it off with this guy based off this initial attraction
because the first date went amazing you saw him with his niece. A month later you
find out that there was a fake, like a real scenario but one that he
orchestrated and you're okay with it.
I'd be like oh but it was about that's kind of cute because you're doing what
you like you're trying to impress me.
Yeah yeah you wanted the date to go so well that you put that much effort in.
What if I'm really fugly but great with kids?
Um next question.
Sorry she's still after the hot guy.
She's still on the hot.
What if it turns out it's not his brother and it's not his niece?
And I'm still fugly?
You find out a month later, it's like
that wasn't your niece, who was that kid?
I paid a guy 50 bucks with a kid out the front to just wheel it in and come say hi to me.
Which is the ugly liar. Yeah.
It's an awful movie.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's different.
If you're lying, it's probably different.
Well, again, still putting in effort, right?
Like, I mean, it's kind of weird.
It's kind of weird.
But if a guy was like, oh, that baby's really cute, and that picked it up, I'd be like...
I'm just thinking, could we start an undercover service
where when we know people are going on a date,
we get women like you, Katie,
who have all the knowledge about what girls want,
and then we sit down and we go, right, what does she like?
What do most girls like?
And we create three or four situations to happen on the date
as a show to almost give you a 99% success rate on a first date.
We're there but you'll never see us and we're just there to make sure your first date,
because once your first date goes amazing, I think you're pretty happy days if we leave it to you
from there on in because we've got you so many brownie points that you'd have to do a lot of dumb
things in a row to ruin it from there. Mmm. I like this.
And we're just like the first date experts.
Yeah.
I actually think like everyone can call it from first date, hands down.
So if you had a baby, a dog, he managed to open the door for her or pull out the chair for her and paid.
Okay, so all you have to do...
Lucky you're not on the date, Dan.
So.
I would open the f**king door for her.
Piggy bit.
And I pat in a f**king dog.
That's actually not bad,
but I could imagine us setting that up.
Pull out the chair, easy.
Someone comes through with a baby that he knows.
Yeah, I like this.
Oh hey, this is my mate's kid, sweet.
Then they're walking down, there's a dog
that's just running around with a collar, but no leash,
and he goes over and grabs it and goes,
oh my god, whose dog is this?
Calls the number on the collar, finds out,
which we've G'd up, and the person goes,
oh my god, he got off his lead, thank you so much,
I give you a reward, no, no rewards necessary.
You're like, oh my god, this guy's like a superhero.
And we just make him look amazing with a series of elements that just happen throughout the
date that she has no idea have been set up by us.
An old lady's trying to cross the road and he helps her across.
Yes, old lady's perfect. That's another checklist.
Also, we could also go like settle this stuff up and we've only got one chance to get the
shoot and make him look like such a fucking cunt too.
And he's fugly. Yeah, and he's fugly.
Yeah, and he's fugly.
Yeah, now that's a good one.
I'm just saying, if you're listening to this podcast, you're like,
Oh my god, I don't have a lot of luck on first dates.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
And you want us to help.
We could help set this shit up.
But the problem is if you're fugly, you're pushing shit uphill,
apparently according to Kate.
No, it's actually not about looks.
It's about what's in your heart.
Nah, you know what?
With girls, it's not about looks. We can about what's in your heart. Nah, you know what? With girls it's not about looks.
We can win them over by just being a nice, good person,
but when it comes the other way around,
we're way more shallow than girls are.
It's way more, we could be like,
she didn't pull my chair out, she shit to kids,
she was rude to the weight of it, damn she's hot.
Do you know what I mean?
I think you're describing you, Cliff.
You know, like, we give girls so many passes for being hot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Whereas girls will be like,
yeah, he's not like, probably my type.
Like, he's probably not like a real looker.
But oh my, we become more attractive
because of all these things that we're setting up.
Like, looking after the lost dog.
I think we become more attractive in this person's eyes.
OK, so we need a dog in our books.
That's how you see these guys who are like fives out of tens
dating 10 out of 10 chicks,
and you go, how did that happen?
That's how.
What else do we need?
A dog, an old woman.
It doesn't hurt to be nice, everybody.
Yes, exactly.
There you go.
That's the bottom line.
Always pick the nice guy.
Yeah, oh, and we can have a waiter come over
that does something that they've done wrong.
So the waiter's like, sorry, I've got your order wrong,
and they can be real nice to the waiter.
Because you know how people that are rude to wait staff,
that's a turn off.
Yeah, if he just goes, hey, don't even worry about it.
We all make mistakes, it's not a big deal.
In fact, I love the prawns,
so I wouldn't have ordered it normally.
And it's delicious.
And then, yeah, and you're just like,
oh my God, this guy's just the best.
Just don't do it again.
I thought nice guys finish last
Not anymore. No, not anymore. I think once you pass a certain age in your 20s, you go for the nice guys, right?
So I'd say like when's that age just asking for a mate
Nice guys finish last that's why you always win
That's why Clint always wins
Isn't it? That's why Clint always wins. He hates losing. And I'm way past the 20, whatever it is, 5 age limit as well.
Just as well you're not f**kling.
Hey thanks for the insight Hot Kate.
Oh Clint, you've just ruined all sincerity there by calling her Hot Kate.
That's because if I called her what I wanted to, I'd get in trouble.
Yes.
Kidding. She, um, you can't talk like that with, um, you know, your workmates in the office.
But she's actually not going to be a workmate for much longer.
Yeah, she's leaving.
Anyway, let's end it here because I think we've had a good crescendo
and I want to eat this little muesli bar that's been handed to me.
and I want to eat this little muesli bar that's been handed to me. Okay.
That's true.
Oh yeah, and by the way, someone put up a comment being like,
is Clint leaving?
And I realised it's because we said someone was leaving at the end,
and Dan said, is it you?
And I just kind of laughed and ended the podcast.
No, Hot Kate is leaving.
So her, who we were just talking to, she's the one who's leaving.
She's been about 10 years.
Mmm, nice.
Any good? Quite nice, yeah. been about 10 years. No. Hmm. Any good?
Quite nice, yeah.
Okay.
It's Milo.
Yeah.
Milo in the bar.
Milo in the bar, yeah.
There was just heaps of them, like, boxes of them out in the kitchen.
We've been there in a long.
They've been here, go ahead.
Yeah, you can have them.
You can have mine.
You can have mine.
They've been out there for like eight months or something.
Hmm.
No.
Kidding. I don't know how long they've been there.
Alright guys, have a great rest of your day. Thanks for listening to the pod.
Yeah, and if you are single and you want us to sort you out, there's no DMS on the podcast fan page.
Mmm.
Mmm.
ASMR.
Mmm.
Mmm. I don't know whether to end it. I don't know if people are enjoying it or not.
I'm about to finish.
Okay.
Well you absolutely hoovered that.
And done.