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This is a podcast from Rover.
Welcome to the podcast that should have been cancelled before it even started.
This is Clint, Meg and Dan's OnlyFans.
Podcast, that is.
Alright, hello, welcome to the OnlyFans.
Actually, Cal's leaving, so do you want to be in this?
Do you need me here?
No, see you later.
Okay, well, goodbye.
Thanks for having me.
Can you put your hands on the mic?
Yes, it's on.
Okay, bye everyone, thanks for having me.
See you later.
Yeah, Clint's away today, if you haven't noticed. Cal's been here, done a great job. Thanks, Cal's on. Bye everyone. Thanks for having me. See you later.
Yeah, Clint's away today if you haven't noticed.
Cal's been here.
Done a great job.
Thanks, Cal,
but we're done with you.
Get out.
Thank you.
Meg,
you brought something
to our attention
that we're going to test
right now for the OnlyFans.
Yes, indeed.
Okay, so
behind the scenes,
me and Guy
don't have any
immediate family here
to help that if I go into labour,
I want to give birth at hospital if I can.
And we don't have any family to come and look after my daughter Daisy
if I go into labour while she's not at kindy.
You do have family, but they live in other cities.
Yeah, I said immediate here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they would be...
She did say here.
Yeah, but I think a lot of people would have been thinking,
like, at work? Where?
But they live in Wellington, you live in Auckland.
So they're miles away.
Yeah, so there's no way if I go into labour,
they can't instantly come and pick up Daisy.
You were explaining, like, in the middle of the night,
so you go into labour, she's asleep in bed.
You'd love to have someone to just go over and make sure
that she's okay and not stressed out.
And then, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, so we've got, like, a list that we're just starting
to compile of people we could call on if it happens that Daisy's asleep in bed
that we could be like, we could call them, they could come over and stay.
And I...
You've got lots of friends.
You've got lots of friends.
I've got lots of friends, but how many friends would pick up the phone
at two in the morning and drop everything, pack a bag, come and stay
for however knows how long until a parent gets there to look after our kid, right?
Just out of interest, were Dan and Clint on that list?
Yeah, but neither of them offered when I brought this up,
so they've kind of been crossed off, guys.
I'd be there, I'd be there.
I asked you this, like, off air,
and you guys were both like, wow, okay.
What day is it?
I don't know.
Oh, well, then I can't promise.
That's the whole point, Dan.
That's the whole point.
No, it is hard having boy best friends.
I'll send Hannah.
Yeah, Hannah would be great.
And actually, I've been thinking about our boss, Casey.
His family is a fantastic family.
They've actually a couple of times looked after Daisy
when me and Guy were needing some time to ourselves.
If you may or may not know, Guy went through a hard time last year,
so they supported Daisy through a couple of those times
that we needed some help.
And Casey's wife's amazing, Ash.
Oh my God, she's phenomenal.
Yeah, they are.
And I thought, you know what?
Ash would be a great person to also come around.
She's a mum, but she's got more grown up kids
that, you know, she's not looking after toddlers
that she could come around.
Maybe, who knows, but they're on the list.
And I asked Casey, will you be on the list for our labour?
And he was like, absolutely.
We'll figure it out if it needs to be.
But I did find out yesterday, though, through Steph from the Edge Afternoons,
that I called Casey.
She was behind the scenes.
She was at work.
I was at home.
I called Casey, the boss, about something.
Not because you were going into labour.
No, but he doesn't know that, Dan.
Yeah.
He doesn't know that.
He doesn't know that.
Would have been quite early.
Would have been quite an early labour.
Yeah, but that's even more reason why he should be on.
He would be picking up. Yeah, picking up. That's, you know, day. Yeah, but that's even more reason why he should be on. He would be picking up.
Yeah, picking up.
That's, you know, traumatic.
God, are you up his arse or something?
Bloody sticking up for Casey.
I'm just sticking up for the best boss in the world.
Oh, I see.
Also, good choice not going with Dan.
Listen to him.
And Lily the intern, at this moment that I was ringing,
presented boss Casey with some homemade brownies.
Exactly the same time, I start ringing,
and Steph's watching this from afar,
and she notices him pick up his phone,
see it's me.
He knew it was you.
And then goes, she can wait.
Puts it down.
Now, when you phrase it like this,
he's chosen a potential labour.
A baked good.
Yeah, and he's gone with a brownie.
He's chosen a sweet retreat
over his dear friend Meg.
I mean, to be fair, he
had called me earlier, so maybe he thought I was
just... No, things can change in
a second. In a second they could have changed.
Okay, so this is perfect. So we're going to test
this right now. So we're going to see
if Casey is more of a friend to me or you,
Meg. Yeah, we've got a banana
chalk muffin from the vending machine.
Okay, but I think, so I'm going to go over there.
You're going to heat it up, maybe make it look really nice.
Your mum made that.
Do we know where Casey is, first of all?
He's in a meeting.
I feel like I need to open it because...
Yeah, yeah.
I think you should make it look a bit homemade.
Your mum made it something.
Maybe not you because that would be a little...
So do I need to get on the phones for this?
No, no, no.
No, no, you go out there.
Oh, that's right.
I'm going to call Casey.
As soon as you see his phone calling and he look at it,
you need to then go in with the muffin.
You're going in with the temptation, all right?
And then we're going to see if he chooses muff over Dan.
Okay?
Because I think, I genuinely think he's going to go the muffin.
Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it.
Although, I think we've chosen a polarising muffin, that's all.
Because we've gone with a banana chocolate chip.
Not everybody's favourite muffin.
It's also cold.
I think you need to go and heat it up.
I think you need to warm it, have it on a plate and say,
mum made muffins, would you like some?
Mum made muff.
Would you like some of my mum's muff? He Do you want some of my mum's muffins?
He can't deny that.
Let's see
so I'm going now
okay
go through
do we know where he is?
Have we found him?
Okay
Oh sorry
the faders aren't up
wait
let me just have a little
Oh yeah
fucking fader
here we go
Hey!
Come on mate
Just tried looking for him
I'm just checking his diary
to see if he's in a meeting
Casey
It's awkward if I walk into a diary to see if he's in a meeting. Casey.
It's awkward if I walk into a meeting and he's like...
He's probably on the dunny.
Who are you as PA?
You know you can check other people's calendars.
Let's see what's on Meg's today.
If we don't know him, do we think we can do
a different one?
No, I think we need to do Casey.
It's to do with his morals.
To be honest.
Quickly, Meg, I'm just looking at your calendar.
What's museum filming?
Oh my God, you are in my calendar.
Holy fuck.
I'm going to the Auckland Museum to do some filming today.
Oh, it's payday on Thursday.
Get out of my calendar!
It's public.
You've made it public.
Big bang on Wednesday.
Holy fuck, I've got to change that, Carl.
It's definitely payday on Thursday if she's doing the museum filming today.
Carl, get out of my calendar.
Also, can I just say, you should put your mortgage coming out after payday.
Oh, my God, Carl.
And don't forget to take your vitamin D pill on Friday.
She's taking that Wednesday too.
Get out of my calendar.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I had no idea.
I had no idea.
Holy shit.
I'll help you make that point.
Wait, hang on.
Are you using the work calendar for all your personal stuff?
Oh, that's a rookie error.
Meg.
That is a rookie error.
Otherwise, they don't interconnect.
You can.
You can get them to interconnect.
I'll show you how to make it work.
Because I remember when I was in a long-distance relationship,
I put sex on the calendar for my boyfriend and I.
Brilliant.
Yeah, Meg's got that for...
Yeah!
Big bang! But yeah, and it notified
people at work, and yeah,
it was horrible, but... We could continue into the
schematics of calendars and how they work. Let's go!
Or we could do this experiment.
Okay, here we go.
So, I don't think you need to heat it up.
Yes. You just go straight
to Casey. Yes, okay. The problem is, we're think you need to heat it up, Yaz. You just go straight to Casey.
Yes, okay.
The problem is we're going to need to,
you need to hang around him to when he gets the call, okay?
But we need eyes on Yaz to know because we need to know when to call him.
Okay, yeah.
Nipia's going to be on the phones with us.
Nipia, can we get you on the phone?
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, Nipia, call us.
I need to know when I'm going to call Casey, the boss.
I'm going to put his number into the phone now Just so it's ready to go
Okay
Casey
Best boss in the world
He's saved here
027
Best boss in the world
You're such a fucking loser
I've lost her
I've lost her
Hold on I'll go find her
Classic
Okay
This is a shambles So we've lost Jazz We don't, I'll go find her. Classic. Okay.
This is a shambles.
So we've lost Yaz.
We don't know where she is.
We don't know where Casey is.
I don't know where I need to call.
She's way too balanced to walk in her and go, what's going on?
Okay, Bella doesn't know what she's doing.
Why did, hold on.
Can we just, can I just ask, why did we get Yaz to be the person on the ground?
Yaz is about to try and find Casey.
Can you go film her?
What?
What?
We can't locate Casey. Oh, for goodness sake. Hello.
Sorry. Producer Neep's here.
This is 20 minutes
later and here is a
sound effect to show you that.
So Yaz has left
the studio. She's going to go over and
offer him as soon as she sees his phone ring.
Get out to the table. I will do this.
How is Yaz going to know?
Okay, here we go.
And so Yaz is walking out now.
I'm trying not to look.
I'm trying to look like I'm doing something else.
Okay, this is definitely not on podcast.
Sorry, guys, you're behind the scenes right now.
Yaz, he's on his phone.
Yaz is going up to him now.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
So I'm just looking like I'm just not doing anything.
Okay, he's calling.
Okay, he's on his phone.
He's looking in here now, is he taking your call?
Hi Dan
Oh hi Case
You all good?
Wow
Wow
Can you come here please Case?
This is very telling
Oh very interesting
Oh I see how it is.
He took this as well.
Here he comes.
This is interesting.
Okay, so.
Very interesting.
Very, very interesting.
Wow, you've showed your cards, Casey Sullivan.
Yeah.
Oh, he's got muffin in hand as well.
You've showed your cards, Casey Sullivan.
I have no idea what's going on here.
I know for a fact I know for a fact
you turned down my phone call yesterday to have a
brownie from Intern Lily.
No, that's not why.
I can give some backstory. There's a lot of
backstory required. We can explain.
There's so many things to address
here. One, this muffin clearly isn't
homemade. Yes, yes.
We had to work with what we had, okay?
And it was a vending machine muffin. Yes, yes. We had to work with what we had, okay? And it was a
vending machine
muffin.
Two, there is
backstory to the
brownie and Lily.
She has previously
made me brownie
before.
Has Meg made you
brownie?
I was the second
brownie.
Yep.
And two, I didn't
turn it down to have
the brownie.
I turned the call
down because I was
in the middle of a
conversation.
Wow, I could have
been in labour.
You're on my list.
No, you were returning a call from me. Oh, but I could have been in labour. You're on my list. No, you were returning
a call from me.
Oh, but I could have been in labour.
No, it's rude.
I think it's rude
if I'm in the middle
of a conversation
and someone else calls.
So it's like,
oh, this is more important.
Oh, here's my pregnant friend
that's put me on her list
for her labour once again.
Oh shit, that's what
I just did to you.
You just did that to me.
I'm sorry.
You were literally
in conversation
and you said,
hold up, Dan's calling.
But you put the finger up to me.
You were like,
hold up, you know
the index finger.
Well, now we know that I'm more important than you, Yaz,
but who is more important than Meg?
Not many people I would have said.
Dan's more important than Yaz and Muffin.
Lily's more important than Yaz.
It was actually Steph and Lily together.
Brown is more important than me.
Brown is more important than Muffin, if we're on the scale.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the Muffin thing, I was a little suss
because Yaz just came
out of the office
in front of everyone
and randomly said to me,
Casey, do you want some muffin?
Okay.
My immediate thought was,
born for the role.
Is this laxative?
Have I never offered you
anything nice ever before?
No, actually, I don't think.
I can't think of anything.
No, I need them.
Yeah.
Okay, Casey, thank you very much.
Well, then, yeah,
I think I have to lose there.
That's an experience
so can we just establish
that trumping
everything else
is brownie
is brownie
brownie
so that's the top
of the list
then it goes Lily
who's our intern
who isn't even
fucking really
employed here
and then third
after me
then me
me
fun call from Dan
yeah
okay
and Meg
you're under me
yeah
then I'm under you
and then you answer
the absolute
I'm just a piece of shit
at the bottom of the triangle
this is awesome
do you know what this feels like
this feels like
Abby Lee Miller
the dance thing
and the
popular
popular triangle
they've lost me
does anyone know
what I'm talking about
I'm just a piece of shit
at the bottom of a triangle
I feel like I've lost
this scenario
but I also feel like I've won
because I've got both muffin and brownie
no more muffin
put that back
who bought the muffin?
I was going to say
did I have to pay for that as well?
a food road wars company card
and if someone could scrape the shit off the bottom of the triangle
that'd be good
I'm just being straight
thank you for that kiss right down the bottom of my label list That'd be good. Oh, hang on. I'm just being straight. I'm out. Bye. See ya. Okay, thank you for that kissing.
Right down the bottom
of my label list.
That's good.
Did you get what you wanted there?
Yeah, we did.
And people say
they don't have science experience
on this podcast.
Come on.
That was highbrow stuff.
Yeah, I'll just say
I knew what was going on.
I was playing along.
Oh!
Did you hear that?
She can't get to the bottom of the mic.
It's done.
Yeah, yeah.
She's at the bottom of the triangle.
Piece of shit.
Hey, the moment's passed, Jazz.
Thanks for that.
That's the only fans.
That's the only fans.
Enjoy.
Yeah, love you.
There we go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
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