The Edge Breakfast - ONLYFANS Toot-Taster 5000

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

This is a podcast from Rover. Not your mum's podcast, unless she's into absolute filth, in which case, respect. This is Clint, Meg and Dan's OnlyFans podcast, that is. Hey, welcome along to the OnlyFans podcast, everybody. Dan's going to work on a dedication. In the meantime, disappointing, we had an interview lined up for you, the OnlyFans podcast, which we'll hopefully get tomorrow. This isn't going to make a lot of sense

if you didn't listen to yesterday's OnlyFans podcast, but Dan said that he could, in a roundabout way, that he reckons he could work out what someone's eaten from the smell of their fart. I didn't say that. I never said it. You pitched it, and I kind of just... I think I must have done Guess the Fart once,

and you said, oh, it smells like you've had sweet and sour pork or Chinese. I've definitely said that, but I never said, I'd love to have a gas mask strapped to my face while you fart down a pipe with a fan attached into my nose, and I will sniff it and guess what you had for fucking dinner. Now...

That's what I never... I can tell you, I'll hand on heart, didn't say that. Interesting. Because that is what's happening. Yes. I have seen, this is not, no, you sit there and go, now that is, you might even go, you know,

that's disgusting, this is my line, nobody's ever done that for good reason. Incorrect. Hamish and Andy, very popular, very successful broadcasters. Back in 2013, 24th of October, my daughter's future birthday. It's all meant to be. It's serendipitous. They did the food toot experiment.

Yes, and Dan was like, this is disgusting. This is a new low. No other broadcasters would ever do this. Hamish, this is what it's described as. I've got the video in front of me now. Hamish thinks you can detect what he's eaten within two hours by the smell of his toot. And he thinks it's nonsense. So they suggest

they conduct an experiment. And they didn't even make a mask, Dan. He just bent down and gave it a... Oh, that's... But that's almost better, in a way. I'd rather just sniff his butt than... Really? Well, take a look at this. Oh, so he's got some goggles on. So eye protection. Oh, goggles. Well, you've got a whole mask, mate. Yeah, but that means I'm going to look at this. Oh, so he's got some goggles on, so eye protection.

Well, you've got a whole mask, mate. Yeah, but that means I'm going to get pink eye. Okay, so meanwhile, have a listen to this. This is Carl in his workshop. I've wired the fan in. It's just a direct wire, small circuit. It runs off a couple of batteries. So the fan is going in reverse. I have to reverse the thing on there. So the fan is going in reverse.

I have to reverse the thing on there. So it's going in reverse. You can actually see this on the Edge Podcast fan page on Facebook. This part, this sort of attaches onto the side of the mask like that. And then now what I have to do on my drill press. So fast forward to the end and then Carl just says, because my wife's like, is Carl making a bong? Because my wife is watching this. Onto, well that way, onto the mask and then this piece of hose, so it goes in there, which is attached to this funnel.

And that's so your arsehole basically just goes in that hose. And so I showed that to my wife, and this was her reaction because she was kind of, I couldn't show her the video and record at the same time, and she was like, what is this for? What is this for? Then when she saw the asshole, she goes, you're not. And then this is her reaction. So no, Jay, you are wrong. It's not a a bong do you know what's happening now someone farts into it

you just inhale straight fart i don't you do the fart yeah oh my god who has to wear the mask they're gonna die no do you know what's gonna happen is he gonna vomit inside the mask and it's gonna block the tube and they're not gonna be able to breathe because they can't get the air in there because it's filled with the vomit guess who wears the mask oh it'd not be me because her gag for it is always so strong because what me no because being pregnant could you imagine your heart your? I'd have to ask my midwife. Oh, God, he's not good even on, like, fish and stuff. You know when you make him eat, like, such gross things?

He's got to try and guess what I ate for my last meal. Oh, God, you should eat sweet corn. That's the easiest one to guess. She's in. Yeah, now she's in. So both of our partners... As soon as she heard that it was me, she's like, oh, yeah. The fact is, can you imagine?

I would have to text my professional, worked in the industry 30 years, midwife, and go, hey, just checking. So just for work, do you think it's safe for the baby if I put a gas mask on and my co-worker farts into it so I can try and guess what he ate?

I've already had to ask her in the past, can I get wedgied? Can I have a salmon smoothie? I'd say a fart would be safer than a wedgie. But we could do that the week after. The bit I didn't get of Jamie is after I turned my phone off and went to sleep, my wife goes poor Dan, that's poor guy.

Lifting back the curtain, I said to these guys off here, I said, I'm really struggling with this, to do this, because you want to lean in, don't you? Part of me wants to go, fuck yeah, I want to sniff a fart that's farted directly into my face via fan into a gas mask. And see if you can.

But the problem is, I don't fucking want to do that. So I'm in a bit of a fucking predicament aren't I? No and we are at a crossroads because we have in the past had people say that which is unbelievably frustrating to me that me and Clint apparently bully Dan when he gives it just as much as he dishes it but for some reason

Fuck up Meg, I've heard enough For some reason people only feel sorry for him and I've never had anyone go oh Dan's a bit mean to me, Dan's a bit mean to me. Dan's a bit mean to... Never, never. He's got this little something about him that people go, oh, poor Dan. Do you know what will happen, Meg?

Yeah. Because we end up outsourcing and going, I think a lot of people would see it as an honour, and we'd be like, hey, if you want to come in and wear the mask... No-one's going to have an honour of you farting in their face. I'd tell you who I think would do it. If I've been really honest, do you know who I think would do it? I think Webkill Ballot.'ve been really honest Do you know who I think Would do it I think Webbig

Webbig or Bella No We can't force I think I'm not saying force A 40 year old announcer I'm not saying no To fart into the face

Of a young female producer I'm not saying we're doing it No no no no I would never say we do it Don't do it Bella And I would never say We'd force her But I think she is

Such a good bitch That she'd be like Yeah go on I kind of missed. Oh, hold on. Wait, wait. Try that. I missed it, but what I've gotten from it is I'm going to have to smell some of the shit.

No, no, darling. Hopefully not. It would just be a fart. I'm just saying, Bella, that we would never, ever make you do it. But with the fart gas mask, you've heard about this, right? Yeah. I would just say that out of anyone I know, you'd probably be the person that's like, yeah, whatever. I mean, like, I did

fart into a mic for Clint, so, yeah. Probably. Yeah, but you're not doing the fart. He's farting and you're sniffing. Do you know what's going to happen, though? Someone's going to go, oh, yeah, I'll do it. It'll be fun. And then Dan will get all jealous and he'll be all like, oh, I was supposed to have... This is one thing, Clint, I'll be safely saying, this is one thing

I won't get jealous about. I'll be happily not be here for it. I don't want to run the risk of giving a podcaster the opportunity to wear the mask and then you look back and it'd be one of your biggest regrets. Nope. You know when I get that little red flag come up

and I'm like, guys, guys, guys, guys, we cannot get a listener to do this. No. There is absolutely... The way I see it, it's me or nobody. I agree. We cannot get a listener to smell Clint's. Oh, fuck you.

No, Dan's looking at this the wrong way. He's looking at it like, oh, he has to smell a fart and he has to, you know, whatever. The actual thing you should be focusing on is, can you, do you have the talent and the ability. No. No, I don't. To distinguish the food that has been consumed hours earlier now may i come in with a suggestion hopefully it's a suggestion that i'm thinking of because i've also got a suggestion okay i'll take both i make clint a smoothie that he doesn't know

the ingredients in he drinks it he smells his own fart oh oh So we just feed the pipe back into the gas mask. So it goes from his ass to his mouth. I like this. Now, I do like this. Clint. Now, this is why we're talking. Because it's a backfire. He doesn't know what he's eating.

He goes, hmm, this is my own stuff. Actually, that smells a bit riper than usual. Maybe we did this. But the downfall. That, to me, is more compelling listening. The downfall to that is that my taste buds, it should just be my nose, my sense of smell, whereas now my taste buds are now influencing my answer. Because I'm going, well, that tasted a bit mango-y or that tasted a bit corny.

And then now I'm leading with my taste buds more than my sense of smell. Here's my next. Okay, there we go. Here's my next. Okay, there we go. Here's my suggestion. Go on. We blindfold Clint. Yeah. He wears the mask.

Right. One of us farts into the apparatus, and he has to guess whose fart it was from the smell. Like Meg's fart, your fart, Producer Neep's fart. Why is he taking this seriously? Because I'm just trying to get it off me. Anything. Dan, can we do this? Here's my suggestion.

There's a lot of suggestions on this podcast. We have the mask. Why don't we almost do a Cinderella type scenario where let's see... Let's see if the slipper fits. Let's put the mask on your head and see if it's a snug mask fit

that is custom designed for you. Bring in the mask. We do have, if you've ever joined the podcast fam, there are three questions you have to answer to get into the Facebook group. One of them is if you're a special talent. There is somebody out there that has said that if they walk into a room, they can tell if somebody has farted. There's also that person. Oh yeah, but I reckon

everyone can do that. Oh, someone's dropped their guts in here. We thought we were going to test that and we were like hold on, so what? She walks in a room and goes yep, someone farted, walks in another room, no one's farted in here, and then... Let's get that girl in. Yeah, that girl's the possibility. So Bella's come in and filming it, so she's clearly not getting farted on. Brilliant. So

what we're going to do is we're not going to post this unless it's on Podcast Fam. Yeah, I think everything's going to have to go on Podcast Fam page. It's too grotesque. Fam, F-A-M, short for family. If you aren't a member of it already and you do listen to this podcast, go and ask for request access, sorry. And then we'll put all the video up there because the boss doesn't want any of this on any sort of public platform.

I don't know why. What a killjoy. I'm nervous that when I put the receipts in there because the boss doesn't want any of this on any sort of public platform. I don't know why. I want to kill Joy. I'm nervous that when I put the receipts in to get the cash back for this. You haven't asked. Kyle hasn't pre-asked. I don't see how they're going to quite get that through the accounts department. I just don't know what you'd code it as. Fart mask.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, fart mask would work. I'd maybe leave Fart out of it And just go mask Yeah because it could Almost be like a COVID thing Mask Ah good

Mask PPE PPE Okay do you wanna Do you wanna Have you got a drum roll Yeah I can do a little Drum roll for you

Drum roll Okay Cinderella Alright here we go In the flesh Ladies and gentlemen I give you The Toot taster 5000 toot taster wow now the thing now the issue i have with it now is that he's put a lot of work into this he's got

toot taster written all over it it's a gas mask okay so what we've got is a um gas mask that you'd probably you know you're getting like a war scene or something like that i guess yeah and then i've got something post-apocalyptic which is probably, you know, you'd get in like a war scene or something like that, I guess. Yeah. And then I've got this. It looks like something post-apocalyptic, which is not lost on me. Yeah. And so now. We could sell this to OnlyFans afterwards. I'm literally, I was thinking that exact thing last night. Yeah. So I've got a

piece of clear hose pipe here. That's where the toot travels down. It feels weirdly sexual now. No. I'm not wearing a gimp suit with this. Yeah. Really sexual. I just want to, I've named all the bits and pieces.

So do you want to read that out, Dan, what that's called? This is the pipe. Carl's holding the pipe to me. It's a clear pipe and written on it is the Sphinx Deciphered Length. It's 200 cent, cent, S-E-C-E-N-T, and then a dash E, metres, centimetres. Brilliant stuff. And this is a pretty serious piece of equipment, and so this is the funnel, which is attached to the end of the pipe.

Which Clint farts into, I'm imagining. I think what we should do first, can we heat the plastic, and while it's still hot, then I'll push it against my butt, and then it will create almost like a perfect vacuum. How big's your fucking anus? That's a big fucking funnel. You know when you get a mouth guard and you always put it in a bit of hot water first so it molds to your teeth?

Now what we could do today, if you wanted to, Carl, I've got different scents, like non-fart scents, and we could see if this actually just works of like... That's a good idea. Okay, let's try that. Well hang on, let me... I'll activate the fan as well. I promise, Dan. Look at me. No farts.

No, but are they nice smells? Or queefs? I won't do a queef. I thought that went without saying. Fuck, it's like Sophie's Choice. Would I rather a fart or a queef? I think I'd rather a queef. Oh! No, those aren't the two options. Can we do that rather a queef. Oh! No, those aren't the two options. Can we do that?

Final queef. The Boston teacher. The Boston... That'll be nice. Going on the sound, that was a queef. The Boston non-trust has to bring this to the air for this reason. I'm going to be honest, I didn't design this for queefs. Did you?

You need a much smaller receptacle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have had to redesign the funnel, I think. Or the FIU fart receptor unit. Okay, so I've got the fan on. Okay. Okay, I've had to install this fan. It's a very quiet fan.

Thanks. Put it near the mic. Very quiet. Yeah, I had to rewire it to run in reverse because it was actually designed to blow out, but I've... Yeah, most... Like I wish you'd accidentally wired it and it just

blew it back up Clint's bum. Yeah. Okay, so I'll put this thing. Are they good smelling things? Yeah, they're completely... I promise I'm not being weird. Just to see if this works. Otherwise, there's no point in doing it. True. Okay, we've still got days to troubleshoot it.

Yeah. Because tomorrow on the show, we actually have... Well, Carl's getting that ready for Dan, we have somebody who sells, Dan, bottles and sells their farts online and people buy them. So this is

an industry. Say, Luke, I'm your father. Luke, I'm your father. Great. Why is there two people filming me? There's no need for that. Okay. Does this work?

Does this work? Okay. Breathe in. Good. Big breath. Nice and close to the mic. Sorry, I've got a snotty nose because I've got a bit of a cold.

I can't smell a fucking thing. Okay. That's all right. We need to increase the voltage on the fan. Sorry, I've got a snotty nose because I've got a bit of a cold. I can't smell a fucking thing. Okay, that's all right. We need to increase the voltage on the fan. Oh, no, I'm getting something now. Sweet, something sweet. Oh. It just takes time to run down the pipe.

It took you a while. It just got a long time. Also, Meg, when I'm farting. Hold on, put the first thing back because I started smelling it. Now it's gone. Meg, I think what'll happen is when I fart, I'll be pushing air down the pipe whereas you're just holding a scent.

I'll blow it. Oh, you do. That's good. You blow it. It's just going to be a mix of Meg's breath and whatever she had for breakfast

and the scent. That smelled like egg, whatever that was. That's egg. Fuck, that stinks. That's Meg's breath. It smells like Casey's boss's ass.

Wait, what is it? Can you smell something now? I sort of got like a strawberry sort of scent before. Yeah! What was it? Sweet fruit. Sweet fruit. I call you candy.

Next one. Next one. Oh, no, that's enough. One more. One more. One more. One more. We want to get you used to wearing it.

It's like second nature. Without it, you don't know who you are anymore. You tell me when you're pushing it in. Oh God. I'll fan it in. Ready? Okay. Okay.

Meg's like, she's opened the lid and she's waffling the scent with like a piece of paper that she's using as a fan. Take some time. Suspense is so fun. Can I start sniffing? Yep. I'm getting nothing. Keep going.

Nothing. Wait, it takes time. Nothing. What was that? Are you queefing into it? Had it, she got it. Coffee? Coffee.

Nah, nothing, I got nothing there. Maybe if we had coffee beans, Meg. It needs to be strong. Meg's just taken the lid off her coffee and wafted it down, so maybe with the milk and stuff in it wasn't strong enough. But I still think the fact that you got one, Dan. You got the sweet fruits candle. Yeah. I must say, look, it's more pleasant than I thought it would be.

Wearing it? Yeah, but I was smelling strawberry then, not your ass. Well, you never know. My ass might smell like strawberries. Depends what I eat. Could you eat strawberries? I don't think, though, your farts are going to smell like strawberries. I think tomorrow on the show as well, what we should do is part way. Once again, sorry, just in the back.

Bella, we're not allowed to post any of this. I see that you're taking videos and photos. Podcast fam, we can. Okay, we've been told by the boss this is not allowed to go anywhere outside the podcast. No, I asked her to take these photos for my CV. Oh, right. He's trying to get a job on the Howard Stern show. Tomorrow's podcast,

what we will do is we're going to hopefully be speaking to the person who sells bottles or cans, her farts, and then sells them online. Why? No, I'm not smelling some random bitch's farts. No, we're just talking about how much money she makes selling her farts around the world to online. Why? No, I'm not smelling some random bitch's farts. We're just talking about how much money she makes selling her farts around the world to people who want to smell them. Who's doing that? Well, this chick.

So she's going to come on the show tomorrow and then I think what we do is we get Dan to exit the second part of tomorrow's podcast and we can all speculate or come up with ideas of what we think the best item to eat would be for Dan to guess. So then you listen to the podcast.

We'll already know Dan needs to promise he won't listen to the podcast because we'll have the actual meal that I will consume on the Thursday podcast tomorrow. Hand up. So that you know what he's trying to guess. You're in on it. Ding, ding, ding. Just a question, Clint. Sorry.

Have we somehow come back to the fact that Dan's doing this? Because the start of this podcast was thinking it wasn't it. I feel like you've ignored all of that. No, no, no. I've just aired my concerns. I'm still going to do it because I'm a team player. But I will say this. I do feel like we've got our blinkers on with this.

I think we've let Clint have a little bit too much rope. I also think we have. I'm sorry, Clint. I do feel like we do have our blinkers on. Seriously, I do feel like we're going a bit fart heavy. Okay. Now you're talking about having some fucking woman on that farts into jars. Then on Friday, you're farting into my mouth.

Then we're going to go back next Friday to doing more fart content. I'm just airing my concerns. I love a fart joke as much as the next person. Is it the end of Guess the Fart? Is it the like, we can't do it again after that? Maybe it's like we've done so much fart, then Guess the Fart is just done. And then there's no more fart content because we were doing one a week

and instead what we've done is a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday fart podcast. And it's not for everyone and that's okay. You just come back next Monday and it will be back to regular programming. But maybe, yeah, you would like to voice your opinion as to whether you're loving or not loving this little three, four day journey.

Yeah. And I don't want to be the guy that, you know, kills the farts. Poo-poos it. Yeah, poo-poos it. I don't want to be the guy that kills the farts. Poo-poos it. Yeah, poo-poos it. I don't want to be a big poo-pooer. Neither. Especially not on Friday. When I'm literally putting on a gas mask and a friend of mine is farting up a tube and I'm sniffing it.

Hey, if it's good enough for Hamish and Andy. Hamish and Andy did do it. 13 years ago. Actually, there's a lot of things that people would do back in 2013 we wouldn't do now we need to wrap up this fart podcast

because we've got to chat with Alex Warren yeah we do oh shit okay get my head in the game yeah yeah yeah Alex Warren

I think he does worship music hold on hang on guys it's going to be a hell of a U-turn up here oh my goodness me see you tomorrow guys