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This is a podcast from Rover.
This is Clint, Meg and Dan's OnlyFans podcast.
A place where nothing is off the table and these three show who they really are.
Not recommended for kids. Let's hope there's not too much of this.
I'll go home tonight and you're going to get a review of a turnip up my arse.
Okay.
You've been warned.
Welcome to the OnlyFans everybody.
Hello.
My mum actually has a suggestion for this OnlyFans so I'm going to call her so she can bring it.
While you're doing that Meg, I'm going to call her so she can bring it. While you're doing that, Meg,
I'm going to make the dedication of the day.
Better have it quick.
It is going out to the beautiful Tamara Brehort King.
Tamara King?
Yeah, she asked how my mo's going,
and I will tell you this.
Not well, Tamara.
Not well.
Are you shaving it?
No.
You've trimmed it, though.
It's stagnant.
I think it's the colour of my facial hair.
It's like a blonde colour.
So I don't think it shows through.
Like, Clint, you've got dark black.
Hi, it's me.
Hi.
I just wanted you to say what you think I need to read to Dan.
Sorry?
I'm just hopping in the car.
Just a minute.
Yeah. Pardon? What did you message? Wait? I'm just hopping in the car, just a minute. What did you
message? Wait, hold on, just one second
and then literally one second.
She was in the car. Well, it only takes one second
to hop into a car unless you're an invalid.
What did you message
me to read to Dan?
Oh, did I
send the wrong thing? No, no, no, you didn't.
You sent me the right thing, but I just want you,
I want Dan to know this is your idea.
I haven't heard what you've sent.
Oh, there's a review on Megan Markle's
new TV reality show that I thought you'd enjoy.
Oh, delicious, and I bet it's a terrible one
because it looks like an absolute steaming turd.
Yes, it is.
Okay.
Thank you, Mum.
Thank you.
I'll talk to you later
You've made my day
Bye
Here it goes
Now let's be honest
We'll sit above board here
You guys love Meghan Markle
I don't love her
I've never met her
I just do not understand the immense hate for her
I wouldn't say I immensely hate her.
You said if she got hit by a bus,
she would have been attention-seeking.
Did I say that?
Did I?
Bloody hell.
What a controversial thing to say.
Sounds like a shock job thing.
I also find it so strange that someone can dislike somebody
that much that they don't know.
I mean, I really very much dislike Adrian from Married at First Sight,
and I don't know him,
but I know him better than you know Meghan Markle
because he's on a reality TV show.
We don't know that much about Meghan, really.
I don't hate her, but I just find I have a little bit of a disdain for her
for the fact that she's...
And she hasn't been doing it much recently.
I'll give her that.
But two to three years ago,
she was constantly whinging and complaining in the media about being, you know.
We're about to get into a review of somebody else.
You're going to wind yourself up.
Okay.
Going to lift the music back up.
Here we go.
This is a review.
With love, Megan.
Review.
This hostess with the mostess act must be exhausting.
In quotes.
I feel like you're watching me fall in love,
Meghan Markle says dreamily.
Is she gazing into the eyes of her husband?
Or her two adorable children?
No, she's eating a turnip.
Oh, this is delicious.
I've been enjoying this as much as she enjoys a turnip. Because the whole TV show, if you don't know,
is like a cooking show, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Welcome to With Love, Megan,
the new Netflix series in which our heroine elevates every day.
You will never look at a turnip in the same way again.
You will wonder why you don't have an enticing compost bin
and have instead put up with that brown plastic thing from the council.
Perhaps you will also start matching your outfits to the Le Creuset
bot that you have while being intentional.
And when you put a cake in the oven, you will even murmur
as if to your most beloved child,
goodnight sweetheart.
Who does she actually say that? For goodness sake.
The thing is, it's not even her house though,
is it, in the show? Because people were mocking the set
and she didn't want them filming in her actual house.
Don't worry if you don't have a Montecito
mansion with its own kitchen,
garden, a puri and chicken coop from which you get all your fresh produce
or an unlimited supply of rustic artisanal tableware.
Even if you're just in a little flat in London, Megan says sadly,
you can have a small piece of this.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I couldn't watch it.
I couldn't watch two minutes of the show.
Well, you're going to have to tonight because we want your review for the show tomorrow.
The format is this.
Megan invites people to her pretend house.
The show is filmed in a New Zealand dollars, $14.25 million farmhouse down the road from her $25 million home.
And they tell her how amazing she is.
This happens for eight episodes.
It is all about the joy of hostessing because Megan is extremely welcoming to everyone,
which you will know unless you are her father, her siblings,
her father-in-law, her stepmother-in-law, her brother-in-law,
her sister-in-law, or 99% of her husband's
old friends or Piers Morgan.
In an interview to
promote the show, Megan can find that a
five-year-old Archie, her son, told her
don't work too hard, Mama.
The unkind among you may
have wondered what work he is talking about,
but now it's clear.
This domestic idol business is a full-time job.
It is, to put kindly, insane.
Just take episode one where her makeup artist Daniel Martin comes to stay.
She preps the guest cottage by creating a pink Himalayan sea salt bath soak,
making truffle popcorn from an actual corn on the cob
and transferring peanut butter pretzels from the plastic bag they came in
into another plastic bag, which is presumably more aesthetically pleasing.
Then making a calligraphy label stating that they contain nuts,
even though she knows Daniel doesn't have a nut allergy.
She does label everything.
Would you like me to keep going?
No, I'm sorry.
Is this all the same person?
Yes, this is one reviewer.
In the beginning, I thought you were doing multiple reviews, and then this was a long... The whole thing is same person? Yes, this is one reviewer. In the beginning, I thought you were doing multiple reviews,
and then this was a long...
The whole thing is one person?
Yes.
I mean, this person obviously has a disdain,
and maybe a pre-existing disdain for Meghan Markle as well.
Are you getting paid every time you say disdain in this podcast?
Well, it's because I disdain Meghan Markle.
But I will say, come on.
Really?
I'd like to know who's watching this TV show.
Well, you are tonight, according to Meg.
I just quickly put it in the show after she said we want you.
I don't have time.
I would rather shove a turnip up my ass.
Okay, well, it's either that or a turnip in grass.
Either way, it's fun.
Go and buy me a turnip.
Turnip tomorrow, everybody, to see which one Dad chooses.
Yeah, I shoved a turnip up my ass last night, and I'll tell you why next.
10 bar 7.
We're playing audio of one or the other.
Either are fine for Megan.
Honestly, fuck me.
What a piece of shit television show.
She's not a cook, so why would I watch a woman who's never had any credentials with cooking
cook with a fucking turnip?
And second of all, it's like it's just this ploy for her to go,
everything's okay in Megan Markle's world.
That's all it is.
I have gone onto her website.
I don't have prices yet, unfortunately.
I will give them to you, Clint, as soon as it's out.
But she has finally released what she's selling.
Would you like to know?
Yeah.
No.
Raspberry spread.
Limited edition wildflower honey with honeycomb.
Flower sprinkles.
What are they?
They're dried flowers.
Oh, you sprinkle them on food?
Yeah.
You can eat them?
Yeah.
Hibiscus tea, peppermint tea, lemon ginger tea, crepe mix,
and shortbread cookies with flower sprinkles.
Hold on, crepe mix?
I've made a crepe before.
It's like three ingredients.
You fucking greedy cunt.
What are you doing selling that shit to make poor people buy
your crepe mix. It's flour, sugar
and an egg. Do you know, I wonder how
Dan would react if actually we had Megan Marklin
for an interview. He'd be like this.
I honestly think he'd be like this. Would you go
I'd have to be nice because she's come in and
you know, it's a big get.
I'd probably be nice to her. I'd be like
but at the same time I'm going to hold her to account
and go, why this show?
And go, why?
I mean, people will be listening to this now and going, oh, God, Daniel,
like, it's just a TV show.
Why are you getting angry about it?
And maybe so.
Maybe that is.
But also, I'm just kind of like, ugh, yuck.
Yeah, it's weird that it annoys you that much.
Well, it doesn't until you've brought it up.
It's not like I'm losing sleep over it.
It's not like I'm going, oh, God, that show comes out today.
Yeah, but when she does, it riles you so hard rather than you being like,
yeah, I don't care, I'm just not a fan.
I just have never liked her.
And my wife Hannah thinks the same.
We've got like this shared, and I don't want to use that D word again,
but just this shared dislike for her.
I will leave.
We spur each other on.
I think I will,
we can end this podcast if we'd like
on just the last couple of paragraphs of the review
because that normally like wraps it up.
Okay.
The music please again.
Oh yeah, sure.
And a one and a two.
Before baking a cake,
she announces that baking is not my favourite thing.
This is no ordinary cake, though.
In quotes, she's so beautiful on the inside,
and you just don't know how good she is until you go deep and you get to know her better.
Gosh.
Megan informs us that Harry will be popping by for the brunch,
which is a weird way to say, a weird way to refer to the man that you live with,
but we'll let that go.
He tells her that she did a great job,
and then Megan makes a toast,
which is a wonderful exercise in narcissism.
Quotations.
I just want to raise a glass to you guys.
Oh, no.
What, to the people watching?
Like, us as an audience?
No, to the people that have come over to her fake house, yeah.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Thank you for loving me so much.
There's just enough time to squeeze in a plug for her business too.
That intentional jam is coming to a shop near you soon.
Oh, now see, this is just her.
It's her being oblivious to the fact that she is a narcissist.
She's put this out going, people will love it because I'll look wholesome.
Is she a genius?
And she's also the exact same.
You'll know the person, Megan.
I don't know her name, but she's on Instagram.
And she does everything.
Like, her life's perfect.
She's in the kitchen.
She takes the piss out of people like Megan Markle.
And she spends four hours making a cookie for her son.
And it makes other mums who don't know that she's being a parody of women
who will spend four hours in the kitchen making cookies.
Being like, oh, this is so unrealistic.
Like, oh, as if I've got time to be doing this sort of shit for my kids.
It's obviously a joke.
She's obviously a joke.
Is Meghan Markle doing almost like a parody?
Oh, God, Clint.
You clearly don't know her as well as I do.
No, she's not.
She thinks that she's doing this beautiful artisan show
that is like reinventing
the wheel of food
and entertaining.
What's it on?
It's on Netflix
with Lime Megan.
I'm going to watch it tonight
because I don't feel
a way about it either way
but I love a cooking show.
I love watching
Jamie Oliver with my husband.
Watch Jamie Oliver then.
He's a cook.
She's...
Whatever he is.
I reckon... Oh God. She's... Well, whatever he is, I reckon...
Oh, God, like, she could not bake anything.
But I've watched many a woman's cooking shows
that aren't, like, cookers or bakers.
Like, Martha Stewart, she wasn't, was she?
She's just a homewife.
Mary Berry.
I don't want to watch a cooking show
with a woman that's alienated her whole family,
extended family, her family, her husband's family,
all her friends, and then just bakes a cake
and thinks she can fucking wipe her hands of it all.
Okay.
I'd rather shove a turnip. I'll go home
tonight and you're going to get a review of a turnip up my ass.
Okay. We'll just
bring the audio, just
the noise, and we'll work out, we'll
try and guess maybe, did Dan just
finish watching the show, or did he
just finish inserting a turnip up his rectum?
Yeah, we'll never know.
They'll both be the exact same sound.
It'll be me going, ooh.
Yes.
And then that way we might be able to get two breaks out of it tomorrow.
And then you might hear his wife Hannah go in the background,
oh, Dan, which could be because she was forced to watch it
or forced to watch him show.
As long as we get two breaks for the show
and not two breaks in the turnip
because then I've lost it up my butt.
You've got Hannah going,
I'm not eating that.
I'm not getting it out.
And she's talking about the show.
Hannah, the turnip's done.
Set a table.
Okay.
See you guys.
If you enjoyed this podcast,
hit the link in the bio.
Hit subscribe and hit the bell icon
so we get more downloads.
Clint, Meg and Dan. that's a lot of hits
yeah what are you doing
why are we back here
because I forgot to say
that thing where we're like
oh please hit the bell icon
and stuff
oh but you made it sound like you
it was like a recorded thing
hit the bell icon
to subscribe
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