The Edge Breakfast - ONLYFANS we're all criminals...

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

This is a podcast from Rover. Up lower your standards and prepare to question everything. This is Clint Meg and Dan's OnlyFans. Podcast that is. Hi, good morning, welcome or good afternoon, good evening when you've been listening to OnlyFans podcast. Hey, you could be in the middle of the night in China, listening to this.

You could be, Meg, in Guatemala at 2 a.m in the morning. Oh, you're not in Guatemala now. Well, Dr. Ropata. We used to be able to see, Nipia, can you hear me? We used to be able to see who does listen to us and would have people like one person in Finland was listening. You know, like we used to be able to see a map of people.

That microphone sucks. I can have a look now. Hold on. Oh, you can. I've got a system here. Oh, well, I thought Nipi was going to do it. No, well, he can't. Let's see who can get it quicker. Okay.

He's not even trying, so you're going to win. Let's see, no, say he's trying, and then I'll look really good. Oh, right. Nepeer's going as fast as he can. Okay, and I'll get some sort of... So, like... Oh, that's good. Because I know we've got a few in Europe, for sure, and a few in America, for sure.

He's got it. Got it. Got it. So, it says the count of listeners in New Zealand is 7,800. In Australia, we've got over 1,000. There's about 500 in the States and just less than 500 in the UK as well. Where are those interesting places where there's like one person listening there? Two people listening there.

We have 35 in Taiwan. What if I go to the last page? That'll be box. There's one in Uruguay, one in Slovakia, one in Peru, Palestine, Kazakhstan, Italy, India, Croatia, Cook Islands. Nice. Are we one person in Kazakhstan? If you are in some of these countries, get in touch. And actually, are you a bot or are you a real person?

Yeah. If you're from Kazakhstan, do you get sick of the hole? It's nice. My sister, number one prostitute in all of Kazakhstan, her virgin in like sleeve of wizard. God, how do you know? All your references are from like 30 years ago. How the fuck do you know that? Honestly, like no one gives a fuck about Boread anymore.

Clint's going, here's a good little relatable bit. My wife, fuck. That paints such a visual, doesn't it? Her virginia's like sleeve of wizard. Yeah, but that was from 30 years ago. You're still laughing about it. All right, well, there's probably a nice pivot into our erotic fiction that we wrote on the show today.

If you want to go listen to those, you can probably just watch, or go listen to the other podcast, Just the recap. That's right. Dan did a change out of the end of his story. It was an alternate ending. Yeah. Because the reason was quite often we text after the show, don't we?

And we message it. Clint had already sent his through to you, Meg. And you would like it as filthy. It's awful. And mine was as well. So I was like, I'll make mine a little bit cleaner. That's the sort of guy I am team player. Okay.

So do we need to replay what it was, or do you just get the alternative ending here? I mean, there's a couple of people in a cinema. One's Russian. She's the star of the movie. or something and she randomly what goes to a screening. Yes, and she is... She's a common man, you know.

Sitting in the same seat as in there, spawning. Fan of me movie you are. I've lost it. No, she'll have it. Fan of my movie you are. Fan of my movie you are. Good taste you have. Good days do I have.

Thank you. Her broken English resonated in my ears. I could feel her body pushing back towards mine. I didn't answer with words. Just breaths. Yeah. What's your name? No, he would have been going like, so she's...

Hot breath in your ear, it's disgusting, by the way. So she's gone, what was the line she said? She goes, Fan of my movie, you are. Good days you are. And he goes... But he, so she doesn't know if he's a fan or not, because he hasn't seen a baby.

She knows, she knows from the breathing. Phone in your pocket, I can feel. She whispered in a surprise tone. I moved my mouth as close to her left ear as possible. I felt her body quiver. with passion as I uttered my final words. That's not my phone. This is cock.

That's not written. That's not my phone. That's the end. That's it. Because you're supposed to go, it's such an old thing. Is that a phone in your pocket? Are you just happy to see me?

Or do you just have a flat square dick? No, it was in the time. This was set years ago when it was like a Nokia 3310. Oh, right, I got it. So it's actually a bit chunky. Yeah, chunky. I'm glad that you changed your ending for the radio. You're welcome

No, that was the one I'd changed it for The original was the one she read out Oh, you're welcome Yeah, you're welcome You will come And dad had explained with the gag She was going You're welcome

But But What's her name again? Her name's Olga Sharapovla Novloakovladov I like that Yeah so if you want to hear Both stories and Paul

Just go listen to the other show recap podcast podcast from today, February 3rd. A little behind the scenes actually we've got to go after this whenever we finish this podcast

and we're doing the Mime Challenge again which we did last year I did an usher song and then we did it when I came back a few weeks after giving birth and I don't think those ones

went as well but now we have to do a group one yeah so it's us three almost I guess like the back street boys or something like together doing a dance, synchronized dance Yeah, and then also we're going up against the Ash London Show.

Now, look, I don't want to speak too soon. You're the weakest link? Oh, God, yeah, in our team. But what I'm saying is I think the Ash London Show is going to fucking suck. Well, I spoke to Ashth about it yesterday, and she said... She's got... So mean. She said...

I reckon they're going to shit the bed. She's got two of the greatest dances. She's got Harrison and Yaz. Oh, Harrison, maybe. Yes, I've never seen her dance. I think she can dance, can't she? Well, she probably can, but I don't think she's known for it like Harrison is. But the problem is there's so much pressure on Harrison for that fact.

I reckon we're going to wipe the floor with those three pussies. Okay. I reckon that show couldn't fucking dance to save themselves. Well, the thing is, it's miming more so than dancing, isn't it? Yeah. Just being like literal with your dance moves to see if, I guess, without actually hearing the song because we're getting like, what the hell is it? Is it Benny Hur?

Yeah. And you're just watching the actions trying to work out what the hell song they're doing. So if they suck it done it's going to make it very hard for us to guess what they're doing. I know they hadn't practiced up until yesterday morning, yesterday like mid-morning, so they hadn't done it practice. But yet neither had us. I reckon those three put together have got less

rhythm than a deaf goat. I suppose. A deaf. So we'll see how that goes when you see it pop up on social. I saw this online and I thought it was interesting um hypothetical even though the hypothetical that's posed here wasn't a hypothetical to the actual person that it happened to this was real life okay this guy's bank which i don't know which bank it is screwed up they deposited 1.1 million dollars into his account and he refused to give it back he was ordered to give it back and he refused so a judge he went to court and a judge told him

Listen, you can either send the money back and I'm going to dismiss this case to the bank or you're going to keep the money $1.1 million, but you have to go to prison for one year. So what would you do in this situation? And the crazy thing was he went to jail for one year. Wow. And he actually kept the $1.1 million. That man is unbelievably punishing. Right?

Oh, God. Okay. This is a true story. So once the money went into his account, you can't forcefully take it. take it back out because he refused to give it back. So effectively you spend no money, so you have no outgoing, so you're living in prison, and you come out with $1.1.1 million for a year's work.

And it would have been an interest-bearing account. So that would, he would probably come out with one and a half million. No, not me. I'd be giving the money back and having my life, thank you very much. What if I die in a year? And I'll just spend it in prison and spend the sent to my money. The chances of you're getting shanked and dying in prison are probably so much higher. I mean, if they could guarantee

you wouldn't die? Well, they can't. Then they won't. I'd make friends with the big boys there in prison I'd do some stuff for them What kind of stuff? Hold their pocket and stuff I'd just do whatever they want Like I would get in there

I'd go who's the big guy here Yeah and if they were in the shower And they dropped any soap for anything Would you just pick it up? Pick it up them Well if they wanted me to I'd go in there I'd go who's the big guy here

And they go there he's over there Dennis And I go up to him I go do want me What do you want? Do you need your pocket held? He's like I'm not wearing pockets I'm in the shower

No Okay, what do you want? Wash? And I'll do anything. Sounds like you'd be earning your money. Yeah. But when I get out, changed man. Change man.

No, I've got money. You've got changed man, sorry. Yeah, I would change man. That's what you're, yeah. I mean, it is one of those things. It would give you an incredible life experience. You could maybe write a book off the bag of it. Nobody has even said that as a prison.

Great experience. Go and do it once in your life. Everybody should try it once. It's really good for yourself to do. Life is short, time is money and you just burn through a whole year. But then you think about what $1.1 million could do in terms of your life going forward

whereas if you're just a deadbeat, you've got no cash, no prospects. This is almost like, if it's snakes and ladders, this is going up the ladder as quick as possible. If I'm a deadbeat, sure, honestly, if I've got no... But for my life right now, I'm not missing a year of my kid's life for a million dollars. Everybody should always go do a kintiki,

outward bound and go to prison once. Go to jail one time. And then you'd be a complete human. Yeah, but if I had nothing going for me, absolutely I'd go to jail for a year. But then you think as well, Meg, when you get out, you've got $1.1 million to, like, put your kids in the best schools and do with these things. Because I know you say being away from your kids is not great for them,

but then what you can do with $1.1 million, can that counteract the negative? Do you really think there's not a man out there that after a year, Jamie would be like, actually? Might go with them and Steve. No, Jay wouldn't. Yeah, she wouldn't. I know.

Jay would wait. I know, Joiberbook. I was like, Jamie, we can do it, just one night. Give me 30 seconds. No, thanks. Do you know the worst thing would be is if they waited for you, and then you came out, and they had someone on the side, but they kept to quiet, then they divorced you, and then you had to give $550,000 of the money

that you'd just earned away. I would want to divorce you if you chose a year in prison over some money. That's crazy. That guy did choose that. He chose the prison. But I guess you're right, me. It shows. where you are in your life.

Have all three of us went to prison? Oh God. For different reasons. What would the reasons be? Dan? Fraud. No, sorry. I reckon Med would go to jail for fraud. No, not fraud. For like tax evasion.

Tax evasion. But she'd be like forgotten or not known. I just wouldn't have known how to know. No, I reckon you would go, oh, I didn't know. When really you just had never been paying tax and you knew it. I think I would, I just think the only way I could get that, that could happen is if I just avoid the emails. I'd just been doing like, oh, I'm too scared to open the email. Yeah, you'd plead ignorant, but the problem is the judge would say that's not a defense and you'd end up in jail. I think Dad would be violence in public.

Like, he'd get really angry about something, customer service or something, and then he'd like, yeah. I'd never get physical. I'd never get physical. Because I know that I would not stand a chance against most people. No, but it might be destruction to property where you go and, like, throw something and then you get in a digger and you swing it into like a pylon thinking, in your rage, and then all of a sudden that pile on breaks and then an entire building comes down. We know Clint's. Should we say at the same time? Three, two, one.

Public explosion. Public explosion and drugs. Oh, maybe they're together. Maybe he goes like real drugs. He's like, exclusive. He's like, he's like, he's not going to jail for that. Can you? Yes.

You go to jail for public exposure. Not exposure. How long? What I don't know. Overnight, maybe, but not for a sustained period of time. No, we didn't say the length of time. You just sit behind bars for a certain period. Ah, okay, go to jail for public exposure.

Exposure? Yeah. I said exposure, but I mean exposure. Exposure in Z. Hmm, okay, so apparently we would be going to jail for... Just give me the actual number. Not exceeding two years? Two years for showing your pain.

For willfully doing an indecent act in public. So maybe if you, you know... Maximum sentence. I think it's the amount of people that saw it as well. if like 100 people thought it'd be longer than just of one person. If you intentionally exposed...

That's fucking see you're some space kind of. Yeah. If you've intentionally exposed your genitals in a public place that's only three months. So do that. If you can do anything. I would imagine you could... Is diversion still a thing? If you... You can almost get

like a free pass out of jail if you've never had a criminal conviction or a record before you can plead diversion and you get off. I don't think I'd go for fraud. I think I would have... I would have... if I was going crazy.

I wouldn't be surprised if I... Cooking meth, like breaking bad... No, no, no, like somebody did something. You know, in the rage place I made at the moment, if somebody did something to, like, Daisy or guy or an animal, like my dog or something, I would not know what I would do. You drive your car into theirs,

and then it turns out you accidentally, like, got them too good and you get done for manslaughter. Yeah, something like that. Do you only get one diversion, eh? Yeah. As far as I'm aware. Can you get diversions for everything? No, I've got my diversion anymore,

so I think there's a lot of people that can't, like, it was for a stupid thing in Fungamatar when I was... What did you do? I was drinking in a public place. What? You shouldn't use it for that? What a waste?

How do you know? I got... Like I was going to get charged and stuff. And it was a group of people. I got put in the back of a paddy wagon. Are you sure this wasn't a dream? No, I swear on my life. What?

For drinking ginger beers in public? No, it was a beer. I had a... I can't remember the type. It was a beer, alcoholic beverage. Yeah. And we were walking down the main street of Fungamamata. It was at New Year's.

And there was hundreds of people. that were drinking. And I remember I had mine and this fucking stupid bitch cop that had a, you know, like vendetta against young people just picked a few and I was one of them

and said, get in the back of the thing, you're not allowed to be drinking here. And I was like, and I yelled, I sort of talked back at her and said that there's heaps of people drinking while you're picking us and she's like, get in the back of the thing. And then did you go,

as you walk past the... No, I didn't do that. That sounds like... Then did you cry in the back? Like, be honest, did you cry once you got in the back of the car. You cried. I remember, because I wasn't even drunk. I don't even think I'd been drinking

the beer. You know, you know me. I'm not a drink. And I remember I got in the back of the thing and I was kind of like, didn't think much of it at the time. And then I was like, oh, nothing will happen. And then yes, they took all our details and then I got a court order saying that I'd been drinking in public place and a liquor ban. And, yeah, it's got diversion though, luckily.

The closest I ever got to bring up in the back of a paddy wagon, I think it was after a party where it just got out of control and the police all showed up and like literally going through the house, get out here and you all the rest so we all just like scarpered like um just ants just all getting the hell out of there and we probably walked for i'd say 15 20 minutes back to the house and as we were going down the street this paddy wagon comes around the corner and we see it and then we just happened to go up a driveway which was the driveway we were going to right and so it looked like

we were just doing a runner up a random street so this paddy wagon comes up and it's like get on the floor and we're very roll roll roll with the dog And I was like, so we all hit the ground. And then one of the boys, Joe, he goes, what for, what for we've done nothing wrong, we've done exactly what you've asked, we're going home. Because he wouldn't get on the ground. They grabbed him, chucked him in cuffs. He went in the back of the van. And the guy's like, what the fuck you're doing here?

And I was like, we're literate. This is our house. And he was like, bullshit. And he was like, and I said, I'll open the door. And so he was like, go on then. And we were house sitting. And so this is the worst thing because it's house sitting for my parents' friends. and obviously with the fucking dogs and the cops

it looks so bad and so he went up the stairs and I'm trying to find the key and the key wasn't under the mat where the key was and I'm looking for it and the guys like open the door open the door and I'm like bro just you're freaking me the fuck out just chill man and I'll grab it and so I find the key in the second or third

hiding place that I check I open the door he's like gobsmacks because he thinks we've just been talking shit and we open it up and I unset the alarm and then I was like there so we we would just going home. Like, can you get Joe now out of the paddy wagon? He goes, you get inside, and he said,

and if I see you out on the streets again tonight, I'll break your fucking nose. I never forgot it. And it was one of my first ever interactions with law enforcement as a young kid. And it was just like, it's so bad that that can be the way that you could perceive all authority going forward,

and some do. I didn't because I think he was just, like, one of the bad ones. But that was it. They took Joe for doing exactly what we said, and you had to get taken out of the wagon or out of the cells the next day or something. I had an experience with the angry cop too if I can piggyback off your story.

When I was younger, I was a sober driver for my girlfriends going into town and I took them home sober, but I was on my restricted license. So I still shouldn't have been driving and I saw a police diversion and so I turned away. I tried to find a different street to go down.

They picked it up straight away and they're like, she's avoiding it, followed me. And my heart was racing. So they did the breathalyzer and me, I'm obviously completely sober but then they saw I'm on my restricted, so they're like got her. And they kept trying to feel like they got me

because they're like, we saw you drove away. I know, I know. It's like someone who's trying to drive their drunk friends home. I'm just trying to get them home. They're all, you know, two girls in the back, one in the front next to me. And they were drunk? Yes. I feel like you should be let off and on that occasion. I agree. It's not your right, but.

But then he goes, there's anybody in here on a full license? And the girl next to me, who I actually hardly knew, said, I am. And then, but she's drinking. and so that doesn't count. So he breathulises her and she's under. I couldn't believe it. She's under. And he is like literally going read up the neck.

Because at this point I've like driven away. And then and then he's looking around and no joke. So it's about what 1 a.m. in the morning. He goes, your warrant just went out. And it went out that morning like the morning of the 1 a.m. Like it's gone out with an hour. Anything. So then I got a warning for having a warrant.

Oh, fuck off. Yes. You couldn't have even gone. got it done. Yeah, truly, like, it was one of those things he was just obviously trying, he was so angry that, like, all of it was legit. And that was one of my memories of, like,

really upset because I really liked cops in New Zealand. And I was like... And we are extremely lucky with what you see overseas, and sometimes when I do see videos of people filming, like, cops in New Zealand. The shit that they're being given as authority figures, I'm surprised of what people in New Zealand are getting away with

because you see cops over it America and they don't put up with any of that shit. I love our police force. I know a couple of cops, both great people, but the you're right, clear, the shit they have to deal with. It's a very, very stressful job. And I think it's probably one of those things, if you are just a good kid and

coincidentally, wrong place, wrong time, like in my situation, they're probably dealt with so many bullshit. You don't know which one's about, same with me. Like, I could have actually... Yeah, I absolutely could have been drinking. I could have been, like, avoiding them. I could have been all the things. And they go to the car crashes that there was someone drinking in their dead and they have to pick up

the body on the side of the road and they go, but you should be big enough to be able to go, hey man, we read that we see this situation all the time and this is the one time it actually wasn't what it looked like. Yeah. And so we'll make an exception and you go, oh cool, they're actually like I did exactly what you said. So you realized that we were just walking home. So can you get my maid out of the paddy wagon?

But sometimes that's just not the way it goes, I guess. Yeah, because it just depends who you get right. Totally. Yeah, I've had a couple of experiences where they feel really happy about getting you. after Daisy I was bawling my eyes out and she was screaming her head off oh my goodness and I was just trying to take her out in the pram to a tour you know for a walk and it was freshly postpartum this is a new baby driving and my car went

like 55 over in a 50 area it was down the hill one of those ones were they kind of a little bit sneaky where your brakes not working yeah to be fair like the thing is I was speeding you know but it was a touch and he pulled me over and he came to my winter and he was like, what do you say? He just made a real snarky remark where I thought, did you think about that when you were in the car? It was a real smirking mark.

And he, honestly, he couldn't have looked more upset when he, when he turned and looked to me and I'm bawling my eyes out. I've got to brang you, like, weeks old baby, bullying her eyes out. I'm like, here's my license. And he was like, fuck. Like, he felt so shit, but he can't do anything now. Like, in the end, I was still breaking the law. And so he was like, right?

are you all right? I was like, well, no. I'm just really upset. Well, you got 28 days. Did he give you a ticket? Yes, yes, definitely. As he should have. Yeah.

Right? As soon as you hit them with an excuse, I think you're always going to get a ticket. As soon as you go, hey man, fair enough. Yeah, I was speeding. It is what it is. Those are the times I reckon they might go, that's refreshing.

Tell you what, mate. And that's how I was. I wasn't like, why are you pulling me? I was like, fuck. I'm fucking this up too. It was just, I went 55 past the school and got pulled over by a cop on a motorbike. You'd go like 30 past a school.

Yeah. I was going 55. And it was on a Saturday and I said, school's not even in. It wasn't an excuse. I think you had to be going 30 in a school zone when school's not even on. Well, I guess he was like, well, maybe there's kids

that are like after school stuff, you know. You just always do it. Oh, the last time, the last story, me and a mate, we were going to Aspen and there was this motorbike cop pulled us over and he said, pull over. And what? And he's like, pull over.

Are you in America? Yeah. And I said, no, it's a cardigan. But thanks for me. noticing. I'm going to practice the dumb. Dumb and dumber. See you guys. Rover.