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This is a podcast from Rover.
Dumb chat, bad decisions, zero shame.
If that sounds like your vibe, you're in the right place.
This is Clint Megan Dan's OnlyFans.
Podcast, that is.
Welcome to The Only Fans with Clint Dan and Ash London, everybody.
Good to be here and sorry we've been away for the last few days.
Yeah, it's been a hectic week, hasn't it?
We haven't had time to do these lovely OnlyFans.
In fact, because it's been so long, I'm going to dedicate it to someone.
Okay.
It's been a while since we've done it.
education on the only fans.
And this week, I'm going to do it to three different people.
The last three people that have posted on the Edge Podcast fam.
This podcast is going out to the incomparable, the gorgeous, the almost daily caller.
Susie Holt.
Oh, yeah, no, Susie.
I'm also going to dedicate it to Cody Perry, who is a very loyal listener.
Yeah, I think he is Nelson.
Oh, no, I'm thinking to Corey.
Oh, maybe he's not then.
And Tegan Vaughn, who, uh,
posted yesterday as well.
Love all you guys.
We might be going over old ground if you're someone
that's actually listened to the show recap podcast
although I know a lot of you will listen to this and they're not the show recap.
I thought maybe it could be
a chance to chat a little bit more about
this because
hard to talk about
naughty things on the air for too long
especially when we're talking about pet names
and a listener's pet name
where her husband calls her a dirty slut
and we were like jeepers.
She's on board.
with it. Yeah, she loves her. It's like it. And I think they do it as a bit of tongue and cheek, right?
Actually, he doesn't say, dirty. Come here. Come here, slut. Yeah, he says that. And she laughs.
Yeah, she says, come he's slut. Yeah, and we decided to give it a bit of a go. Dan gave it a crack with
his wife, Hannah, just before bed the other night.
Did you show turn off the light, your big s' shit?
What?
Can't I just call my wife a s'b? No? No. I'm looking about your look on your face.
That's a no?
Absolutely not.
But it's an affectionate too.
All right, you'll wank it.
It was a very teacher.
Absolutely not.
There's no man version of slut.
That's, like, offensive?
No, because I was thinking that...
Yeah, but that's, like, not a...
I was thinking that, like, is there anything that my wife could call me where I'd be like,
well, not in the mood now?
Thanks, babe.
Yeah, like, if you...
Nah.
What if you should call you, like, hey, little boy?
I mean, it probably doesn't help me, but I wouldn't hinder me.
It would take a lot to get Clint out of the mood, I'd imagine.
Yeah, she was like, you pathetic...
Scumbag, piece of shit.
Loser that doesn't...
doesn't contribute to the household in any way whatsoever.
And I'll be like, whoa, hold on.
It's okay.
You don't even know one day the mortgage comes out.
That's the difference between Clint and I.
I reckon it take a lot to throw him off his game.
I was once staying in a hotel room ash,
and I was having intercourse.
And I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror,
and it threw me off.
Yeah, I don't like that.
Unless I'm very, like, fit at the time.
And I love it.
But if I'm not looking at my best,
I do not want to,
because I need to imagine that I look like Angela and Jolie naked.
In my man.
You've got a great imagination.
I'm joking. I'm joking.
You had to say it.
You had to say it.
Now, based off this audio, which I'll play for you now,
do you think I can or can't keep calling my wife a slut?
Oh, by the way, this was like quarter to five in the morning
because she wasn't home when I went to bed,
so I had to squeeze it in this morning while she was asleep.
Yeah, I forgot.
I didn't realize between me getting out of bed
and then calling my wife a slut after my shower,
my 8-year-old son had climbed into bed next to her.
I'm sorry.
It's the time to I come here, little sift up.
Any time, morning, buddy.
You hope the mummy and daddy's been.
Yeah, I haven't been gone for me in a while.
All that's great news, buddy.
Are you going to get up now and they're all sht up?
I remember.
It's all right.
That's not good.
In front of the children?
No.
There has to be dirty to me.
I'm a bit of a joke to her
What's that been
No, your slide
I'm a slide
Yeah, I'm a slide
Mom's a slide
You're a slide
And dad's a slide
I'm on Cam
No
Oh
Oh yeah Cam's are my 10 year old daughter
For anyone who's new to the podcast
Yeah she's a slide as well
It's so key's little voice
Because I was whispering
like in my wife's ear, yeah, thinking he's not going to hear that.
Kids hear bloody everything.
They do, I sponges.
He literally had only just woke it up as well to me talking to his mom, and I'm whispering
and he's still going, slide?
What's he?
What's going on there?
They don't.
They don't hear you the 4,000 times you say get dressed.
Right?
Yeah, just you know they hear you now.
Jamie, your wife sounded like she was dying.
She didn't sound like she was half asleep.
Like, if you hear her, she's like, oh, yeah.
That's what I sound like when I'm asleep.
Really?
So what do we think?
Is it fair?
like she ended up playing ball with me
so I'm like
but I think she knew
I was recording as a holding my phone
so I don't know if I can't try it while you're actually
She played ball but she wasn't playing with your balls
That's what I think you were wanting to happen
Yeah
So do you reckon I throw it out there mid-act and see
But I run an awful risk of it
Mate you have to call it like my
I think do you ever do any like
Sort of vague dirty talk
Oh yeah
I love it but the problem is I can
I get we'll get too carried away
And then my wife will be like all right
and then it's like eject a seat.
Let's imagine it now. Let's imagine it now.
So I'm Jamie.
Okay.
Why do you make it?
And this is the guy who said he's a top.
You moaned your mum's name on here this morning for those that haven't listened to the show.
And also he started humping his chair as he did that.
Okay, so I'm Jamie.
I'm imagining you're on top of me.
This is his dream.
Oh, Clown.
Oh, no, you'd be enjoying it way more than that.
Okay, well, I'm just, maybe I'm not enjoying it this today and you're trying to get me in the mood.
What are you going to say to me?
I'm not playing your wheel.
Like this, I'm going, I'm comfortable.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm coming, comfortable.
I'm coming, come, come, come, come.
I'm coming as we speak.
This is how I come.
And.
No, I, yeah, done.
Lucky Adri.
Roll off empty.
And then, and then, and then you, and then do that thing we roll over.
And then you're like, oh, yeah.
And you're like, oh, no.
And the worst is when they're trying.
No, that's not a cry.
So emotional.
It's like overwhelming.
For me, I, I, um.
Yes, no, maybe so.
Yeah.
After sometimes, it's like I made that noise, but it's not crying.
It's like, don't fucking touch my car.
You know some men always try to touch you after you've come.
And it's like, don't touch me, just, I can't be touched.
I just, it's a lot.
There's all the nerve endings are buzzing.
Don't look at me, don't touch me.
That's what it sounds like.
That's just what I think you meant.
I don't cry after six.
Yeah, we had someone on this show for a, or the truth booth,
who said that he cries after six.
And it was like, oh, emotional the first time.
And then after a while she was like,
I go, well, I don't even want to do it
because I know he's going to cry every time after.
But I think there's a lot of unprocessed trauma.
Yes.
A lot of people smoke after sex as well, eh?
Have you heard that?
Back in the day.
I've never looked.
It's an Austin Powers gag.
I don't know.
That's funny.
They go, do you smoke after sex?
And he goes, I don't know, babe, I've never looked.
It's not funny.
I was just making a good, oh, that's a throwback then.
What a boomer.
I know.
My bad.
Oh, it's such a good game.
And the bit where it's like, that's you.
in a nutshell, Austin, he's like, no, this is me in a nutshell.
Hell. Well, how did I get into this nutshell?
They need to make another Austin Powers movie.
Yeah. I know, but bring it out now.
It's so good.
I think that's the what the world needs now, some just low-brow fucking humour.
Oh, no, I suppose not on the same levels.
He said, that's what bloody old Sasha Baron Cohen was doing, but probably not the same direct.
Yeah, and his was a bit more, like, jarring and a bit more mean.
Whereas this is like, this just doesn't.
It doesn't harm anyone humour.
You know, Austin Powers is a great escapism, I reckon.
Funny how...
It's groovy, baby, yeah.
Yeah, this is groovy, baby, yeah, yeah.
I don't know why I tried to do it.
I was so shit at that.
I like a lot of vagina as a play on...
Oh, yeah.
Okay, I thought you meant as a general rule.
I was like, what a pivot.
It was in Penelope Cruz.
It plays a lot of vagina.
A lot of vagina, yeah.
Was it?
I don't know if it was.
I'm pretty sure it is.
If it is, that's...
I've learned something new today.
Not Penelope Cruz, Selma Hayek.
Yeah, or maybe it is.
I don't know.
I didn't know if you know it was her, but incredible.
It had a really good, you know, Beyonce was in Gold.
That's right.
Yeah, Goldfinger.
I'm sorry.
It's Fabiana O'Daneo.
This whole time when I would have remembered a lot of vagina, it was, it was Selma Hayek's face.
That's racist then, isn't it?
Well, they do look similar.
Isn't that funny to how you remember something?
The Latino woman looked the same.
I will say that, Beyonce.
say in, and isn't Snoop Dog?
No, he's in something else.
He was in Starsky and Hutch.
Snoop Dog, remember when he was on.
He was in bloody fucking SpongeBob as well with Cana Reeves.
Snoop popped up everywhere.
I just did something that I can't believe I just did it.
What?
I just closed one eye and half the screen in front of me enough.
Because I'll watch you do it all fucking day.
Yeah, I do it with that one behind Dan a lot.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, yeah, it's like a tick.
So Clint tries to cut it, cuts things in half with his eyes by closing them.
He closes one eye and then.
his head and you probably do it
30 times a morning maybe more
I find it quite comforting
to what you do it but I've never actually done it myself
normally when I'm looking at Dan
because I'll be chatting here and I can see
that if I just close his eye I can cut
that TV in half behind him
without even moving my head. That's why you do that
I quite often see you looking at me like you're wincing
like it's paining you to look at me
you don't close your thing
and then move to do it you think if I close my eye
out he's going to cut it yes I line it up and then I guess
the feeling is going
I line that.
Like, I didn't need to cut.
I would never cut it and then move the cut.
It's like I need to...
You move the head and then go...
Bang.
And then if I blink one eye, I'll perfectly cut that down the middle.
Listen to us three misfits.
Like Clint's got his tics.
You've got that thing that you've started doing.
I'm saying stinky little bit...
I'm also by like hardcore health anxiety.
Yeah.
Which is worse, having hardcore health anxiety
or being someone that always says
shove whatever it is the Dan sees in my butt.
Dan will say that quite often behind the scenes.
You want everything in there.
But it's so normal and natural now.
I don't even notice it.
You started doing that as well to your husband.
Yeah.
Not literally.
And I was at home and I just went something like,
stinky little butt.
Sometimes I'll just be like,
oh look,
I'll see someone playing with avocado or like lunchbox.
And I go,
shove that lunchbox up my stinky little ass.
And like, and I say it just to the doctor about it.
Yeah, but he didn't.
He wasn't honest about what he says.
No, doctor's like, what are you doing?
And Dan goes, oh, I'm just saying stinky, stinky.
He was like, no.
You were saying shove that lunchbox up my,
box up my stinky butt.
And she said, what does it make you?
She was like some airy feather.
very woman, she was like, and how does that make you feel?
I was like, well, it makes me feel relaxed.
And she was like, why is it bad then?
And I was like, well, because I don't want to be saying
stinky, stinky little shuff a drink bottle
like my ass, you know, like, I hate doing it.
And I hate the fact that, and people go, oh, you're just doing it to be funny.
Do you?
No, I don't.
There's nothing worse than having a lunchbox shoved up your ass.
I would imagine.
I could imagine.
But I know so many people with, like, tech, stems, like, it's so normal.
It's so common.
that it's weird that we think of it is so uncommon
but it's not a tick it's not as bad as a tick
it's a stem isn't it's like a comforting action
where like it just comforts you
and you do it sort of subconsciously in a way
but I can stop doing it
you know like I can turn it off
it's kind of like when people say how do you
if you're swearing in day to day life
how do you not do it on ear
I don't think you're
I don't know it's just one of those things
you just know you're not allowed
and like the odd time you might
yeah you're right down
if you're focused on it
and focus on not swearing on it, you won't.
If you're focused, it's when you're relaxed,
then you're not really thinking about it
and you do your little ticks.
No, it's not duress, but if I'm just sitting there
and I'm relaxed and like we're off here
and I know, I all just go like,
oh, my stinkily, stingy, and it makes now doing it
and I'm just like, oh, fuck, you know?
And do you know why?
Dan will also do it.
It's like, if we're all chatting fine,
but if we're all quiet because we're trying to
sort out what we need to for the next break,
it's almost like, Dan, we'll do it more in the silence
and he goes, sorry, sorry,
sorry, you won't do it,
You won't do it, mid-convo.
And I do it with Kimmy at home as well.
Like, it's worse at home.
So I'll go home.
Kimmy's back, think, fuck.
Oh, my God.
But here, I'll go home and I'll, like, go up to him and I'll go right in his face.
And I'll go, you little, stinky little ass, poo master.
I call him a poo master constantly.
And I don't know why.
That stands cat, by the way, not his neighbour.
Yeah.
Hannah's like, why do you call him a poo master?
And I'm like, I don't know.
It's just the thing that my brain comes up with, and it makes me feel good when I call him a poo master.
Makes you fun, makes you different.
How boring.
as some people. Dan's never boring.
Never. I love you boys so much.
I was talking about manager yesterday.
She's like, you guys are so good.
Do you have a manager?
Of course I'm like a manager.
Oh, I call it an agent.
Oh, we call it a manager in Australia.
She's like real, like, high brow.
She thinks you guys, so great.
Does she want to manage me some more money?
Because she's Australian, she'd ask for so much that they'd be like, nah.
Yeah, they'll be like, oh God, he's not worth that.
Yeah.
See you later, Dan.
I'll be like, oh, fuck, that's back five.
When I told her how much I was getting paid in New Zealand
She's like, I won't even bother taking 20% of that baby
Actually?
Oh my gosh!
She's like, that's pathetic.
Yeah, she's like, I feel bad for you.
Ash is like your charity client, like her pro bono.
She's like, do you do any charity work?
She's like, yes, I represent Ash in New Zealand.
Pretty much.
We love her.
She's so hot though.
Remember I showed your photo of her?
Yeah.
That's my manager.
I'll show you photo my manager.
You tell me how old do you think she is.
Yeah.
I'll introduce Anipia's like, whoa, why you're not showing him?
Hot girls. He's single. You can come in too
if you want Neeps. Neeps's
birthday today too, by the way. He's 25.
He's off to Sydney
actually right after the show today, aren't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm going
in like 10 minutes, so
Oh, okay. And your old man's
your old man's going with you, which is like
so cool. Oh yeah, hot hands.
Do you think I age? Which one's she?
On the lid and the black dress?
Oh my goodness me. 60?
Fuck on. Yeah, you did that thing? Yes, 10.
She's one of those people
She could either be 22
Or 60
You know
She's got a 20 year old kid
Right
Wow
Even if she's like
So she's in her 40s
She looks
Incredible
And her body is like
Yeah
She's also very happy married
Very happily married
To a like
Proper
Ozzy
fucking dude
Like
Ozzy like
He would like
Lift a tractor
With his bare hands
And she
I reckon she
No wonder you've got her as your manager
She could walk into any contract negotiation with a man
and go, she wants $250,000
and the guy would go, oh yes.
Yes, ma'am.
Whatever you like.
Speaking of your birthday weekend
because I was like, that's so cool,
so Niep's just going with his old man.
I was like, man, if my son Ty,
when he's 25, he's like, dad, we need to go over
to Ozzy for the long weekend.
I'd be like, oh, done something right?
And then your old man now, because he's down the South Island,
they're canceling all the flights
out of the south because of the wind
and stuff.
Yeah, poor old fella's been
ringing me all morning trying to get it all sorted
and mum's been on the phone,
trying to get all the plane stust.
But no good.
So he was supposed to be flying out
a Queenstown to Christchurch.
Oh, you wouldn't want to.
Just not happening.
And then he was flying out of Queenstown to Auckland.
Also not happening.
So hopefully he'll get there later in the weekends.
Yeah, well, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Yeah, exactly.
Every time you'd have a birthday,
you'd remember your dad died.
Yeah, exactly.
And I've got a whole bunch of mates over there too.
So it will be a great weekend regardless.
What was the plans with you and your dad?
what we're going to do once you get there.
Oh, Dan, you're like this.
We're going to the Book of Mormon tomorrow night.
Oh, my God.
To Agent took us on our first date.
Wow, it's such a good show.
One of my favorite musicals ever.
You know, it was fun.
Watching the people who didn't realize that it was a piss take
and then watching all, like, the hardcore Crizzos and Catholic, like,
get up and, like, walk out after 10 minutes.
It's so offensive.
You can go to the Book of Mormon not knowing it's offensive, though.
Really?
Maybe when it first came out.
Or maybe they thought they were cool Crizzos.
And then when it started, they were like,
this is too much, and then they felt compelled to leave.
I saw him with that.
Adrian took me there opening night for our first date,
and I remember when they used the C-Bomb about it.
And he was like, side-eye and he was like, oh, my God, is this okay?
Is this okay?
Is this okay? Is this?
We didn't know how to love that well?
And I was laughing, and he's like, it's cool.
I was like, yeah, it's fine, it's fine.
He's like, because you have a garpe tattooed on your ass.
You spent the last 25 years of your life in church, literally.
But he hadn't seen that at that point because it was your first date, wasn't it?
No, he had not.
Oh, he hadn't seen him?
Three hours after he did.
take you know what's
the same result then
with dad not there anymore
then if dad was there then it would be bad
yeah yeah I thought you meant you're hoping
for the same result I was like what it's just you and your dad
no I need a new date for the
for the musical now if anyone wants to go to
the book of Mormon there you go
any Sydney yeah yeah
any Sydney listeners that want a bit of
knee his ass oh yeah great ass
people's going to see if he can beat Ash's record of three
hours after the show.
Speaking of the asses,
we found out this morning that
Ashes injected hers
with vitamin B. Was that a true
story? Yes. We're literally doing a liner
for Baroquec and they
say there's a whole bunch of great stuff
in it, magnesium zinc, calcium, calcium, vitamin C
and then eight B vitamins.
Yeah. I did it. I do it
myself. It feels so like
underground... A lot of TV
presenters do it when you, like, I run a big
set, because it's a prolonged energy.
So when you are tired and run down,
they'll get, like, a medic or a nurse to come
and give you a B injection in your ass.
And within about a day, it, like, brings you back to life.
A lot of TV presenters get a de-injection as well in their ass.
We really made that joke, and I did a better job of it on there.
Yeah, but this is a podcast.
Yeah.
You can reuse your old shit?
But what, can you sleep?
It's not like caffeine.
No, no, no, it's just energy.
It's not like a stimulant.
It's just, like, obviously, works with you.
I don't know how it does it.
Who administers it?
A doctor?
But do you just call your GP and they do like a call-out?
A lot of them will do it like a, or you can go in the same way that if you need a vitamin D,
like the actual vitamin infusion or an iron infusion, they can administer all their things.
But actually in Australia, and I don't know if they do this in New Zealand,
maybe it's just not well-known.
I remember when we were so hung over once in Australia on holiday,
we found out they will have like nurses come around and they'll put you on a drip.
They do that here.
It'll hydrate you within 30 minutes and effectively it's like you've had a day's worth of sleep
and you're like good to go.
Yeah, you can get it here.
They recommend it after you've had like the flu
or anything where you've sweated
or a lot of your like electrolytes
and yeah, you can get like a saline.
250, 300 bucks and they just hook you up to a drip
and then you're back.
Remember I wanted them to come in here
after it all had influenza?
But it was going to be like 300 bucks each
and I was like, well, cannot afford.
So we could just do this show hooked up to a thing.
If it literally will take you from,
oh my God, I'm never drinking again
to,
Within 30 minutes being like, where's the bar?
No, you still get it doesn't feel great.
Okay, because I'm like, that's, I'm sure they must be sold out, like, just at all the times.
You don't in Bali.
Everyone does it in Bali.
The reason you do it is just so you could get back on the horse and start drinking again?
No, no, no, I mean, like, is it going to make me go from, I don't want to touch a drop of the stuff to, oh my God, I could absolutely have a beer again.
That's like magic, but it's not, I've never had it before.
Is it not like that?
I think it just, it makes your body feel better, but I don't know, maybe you've still got the mental trauma.
normal of the hangover.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, that's not getting rid of that.
And it's not a good idea to...
Barley, putting a needle anywhere in Barley seems so dodged.
No?
I mean, you can tell if they bring it out of like a special sealed pack and still, you know,
like you can tell if they're just bringing out this like injection thing that he just
pulled us out of his pocket or something.
It's so illegal.
All of their clients are like foreigners who sue their asses and anything goes wrong.
So it's pretty above board.
I do need to go the toilet though, so.
God, you mean you need to go to the toilet for a minute?
I haven't been yet.
intercepted by Yaz before and then I tried to go I got intercepted by Tyler okay off you go
we'll finish I'm just picturing now Ash's the bloody go into the bathroom pulling her pants down
and jabbing her ass with some vitamin B I didn't do it myself I would never self-inject I know but now it feels
like you're some sort of vitamin B addict one time like 15 years ago and it was a GP that did it
like how is it so weird to you it's the same way that people get all sorts of infusions I just
never ever heard of it hurt like a motherfucker you know what it is it's going to be a bit
bitey we call this one the bitey B and
it's like a burning hot
when it goes into your butt.
I think a lot of,
and not saying that you are one of these people,
a lot of wealthy people do it.
Like Hollywood celebrities do it.
I'm telling you, Grant Danier used to do it
because he'd have such long days on deal or no deal.
The only thing we've had in our ass on this show
is a doctor's finger.
Yeah, or our boss up it.
Yeah.
More teasing.
The boss was the metaphorical finger.
We had the literal finger from a doctor
that was for prostate cancer.
Yeah, although I originally got this job
from the other way.
Oh, did you?
All right.
Well, that's good to know.
Learn something about each other still every day after all this time.
Oh, it looks like there's free pastries.
Because producer calls just walked out with sausage oil
and I see someone else eating a mini pie so it's time to go.
We'll see you tomorrow, guys.
Bye.
Bye.