The F Plus - 101: I Hope My Kids Never Evolve

Episode Date: April 15, 2013

Many people would agree that monkeys, by and large, are pretty cute. This is why they make popular zoo attractions, popular designs on t-shirts, and popular themes in nursery gear. Because we like looking at monkeys, they're a lot like us. But not so much like us that we'd consider adopting one and raising it like it was our own child. Well... most of us wouldn't do that.

Hey there, this is the F Plus Terrible Things, Road Enthusiasm My name's Lemon And I'm Bunny Bread Bunny Bread, how are you doing this week? I'm feeling pretty good I'm just chilling No, no, everything is horrible Oh, I'm sorry, that happened fast

Yeah, no, I get these mood swings are getting worse I just had to check my schedule When I realized that no, I'm not having any fun whatsoever I've just been, you know Taking care of illegitimate children of mine. Sure. And that's rough. That must be hard. Like, what do you enjoy taking care of illegitimate children?

I do. I got into the illegitimate children craze back when. Sure. The fad. Yeah. I mean, back in 2007, it was just the thing, thing you know to have a whole bunch of illegitimate children and hopefully you know with some luck then madonna will pick up one of them maybe angelina jolie will get the other certainly yeah uh so yeah kids kids kids you you got some kids

right maybe i i i just i just have the one but yeah i can feel you it it takes some time out of your schedule it's it seems uh yeah i don't know it's it's yeah it's just kind of boring yeah no yeah like here's here's what I don't here's what I don't like about raising a kid okay is that at the end of the day I mean what you know they're small they got big eyes whatever but at the end of the day they're just they're human and I don't really like that about them like I'm human you're human there's another human yeah there's no diversity you know you feel like it's a little plain jane kind of right i do so

so actually let me hip you to the site that i just found a site uh mantras pointed this out to me it's a site called monkeykisses.com oh that's a new way to have sex i I'm thinking? No? MonkeyKisses.com is a site for people who adopt their own munkids. You messed up a word back there, or maybe two words. No, munkids is like children, except for they're monkeys. Oh, I don't understand, but hey, I'm game.

Right, so instead of a child, you have a capuchin monkey. And then, the fun thing about that is, is that one day instead of a child You have a capuchin monkey And then The fun thing about that is Is that one day you adopt a child That's actually a capuchin monkey And then what you never do is regret it Oh yes, of course

It works out super good Are you ready for this? Oh, hell yes Alright, readers assemble! Assemble! Robot hate the monkey. They will fight eternally. Monkey versus robot. Monkey versus robot. In the room tonight we have Stog. Was there any Valkyhole involved?

Yes, too many Bananadakiris. Kumquats up? Been hit with a few shells, but I don't walk with a chimp. Bunny bread! I thought this was actually going to be about sea monkey moms. I've been very pissed off for the past hour. Left-hand radio zone, Adam Bozarth! Monkey hate clean.

And lemon. I'm 11, and I was going to order a Pet Monkey online, but now that I've read this, I've changed my mind. Monkey vs. Robot Monkey vs. Robot Monkey vs. Robot Monkey vs. Robot! Monkey vs. Robot! Okay, well, you know, so you're probably, you know, you're looking forward to this experience.

You're wanting to get into monkey motherhood. And I don't blame you, but there is a warning. Bunny Bread, will you give us this alert from Jill? Hi, I'm Jill. Hey, Jill. Hi, Jill. Hey, what's up? So, urgent pet monkey warning.

Many people are finding advertisements for pet monkeys that will be shipped to you from Cameroon. I must be living a boring life. As we all know. But that's all right. Well, that's your fault. Cameroon has no monkeys, so clearly this is bullshit. Wait.

Let's continue, just in case. There are only two problems you will encounter here. One, it is a complete fraud. Okay. Whatever money. But wait, there's a problem. money number two they kill you now whatever money you send will be gone forever turns out not to return to you magically and you will never be sent? God damn it. And your monkey.

After you make the initial payment, you might get requests for further payments for various problems. Your monkey was bent at shipping. Well, you know, you did try to save money by buying a refurb. You know, you knew this was going in. I knew I should have went with Instant Monkeys Online. You may be set

tracking numbers. You may be told to put a password on your Western Union payment. None of these things will get you a monkey or protect your money. You have to put a password on your monkey. Yes, make sure your monkey is password protected. What if you're Mel Gibson and

you have a movie called Monkey that's... I don't know where I'm going with this. Next talk. That's problem number two. That's a sequel to The Beaver, isn't it, Stog? Okay. I'm trying to help you out. Two.

If, and this is a big if, and it isn't going to happen, and I'm not going to bother continuing reading. Okay, good. If, if someone actually sent you a monkey, it would be seized by the U.S. Customs Service, as you cannot import monkeys as pets. So, import it as food. Shop up your monkey. Re-animate it.

There is also a mountain of paperwork and licenses required to import monkeys for legitimate purposes. This is like porn. It's illegal to import monkeys. Also, there's paperwork involved in importing monkeys. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. Get your illegal paperwork going. Save your money.

So, not order a monkey or any other animal from outside the United States. Get United States. Get United States. Get all American monkeys made in the U.S. of A.I.T.E. Yeah! Woo! But wait, my monkey is 99th in math. Okay, math. But it's number once in pride.

Or from anyone in the United States that will have it sent from outside the United States. So it's still illegal. Just go through a middleman. Just find another monkey that can claim to be its uncle or something. Or aunt. I'm sorry. And you probably don't want to order any pet. Period.

Clearly, you'd want a child. So that's where you're going with monkeys. Go find your pets at a local shelter. Go to the local monkey shelter. Right. Where you can get it. Go to the zoo. Steal one.

They won't notice. That's true. It's not like they keep a count. Hey, Bill, didn't we have four monkeys yesterday? I don't know. I always just put down a lot whenever they ask me to count them. Stog, if you will scroll down to Italia. Italia.

Oh, God. Hi, everybody. I am from Italia, and this is my only characteristic. Yes. I have sent the money to Cameroon

but I don't see monkey help my I'm an Italian boy if you have to say it you know it's true I'm seriously an Italian boy you have to believe me they have said that the firm monkey to me in

France said that 200 euros serve others in order to make it me to arrive at house. Help, please. I really can't. I don't know how. Kudos. Well, apparently I can give you

kudos for an excellent post, so there you go, Italia. Mamma mia! Oh, wait, I have to log in with my... That's not happening. All right. Adam, you are Donna Taylor in the same thread. I recently sent over $1,800 to Cameroon Airlines and to the sender, Mr. Camilla Megan,

for a baby kapoucan monkey. Capoucan monkey. Capoucan. Capouin. I was all sent all of her permits, and she made it to France two times and was sent back to Cameroon, so I was told the airport has been very rude to me,

and sometimes they will answer my messages and take my phone calls, but other times they want... What do they want? They want several things. They want a monkey? I want the monkey. Oh, okay.

I'm getting you two mixed up. You look like an airport. The sender has lied to me so many times telling me she is on her way and everything will be okay but everything is not okay this is this was all the money we had for our two daughters for christmas and now it's gone and so my daughter's christmas this year oh what a tragedy sorry christmas is canceled i couldn't get you a monkey from Cameroon

Bobby was gonna buy you a sister But oh well I have been in contact with the American Embassy In Cameroon And they said They don't represent monkeys They have a weird accent in Cameroon It sounds like click

I've been in contact with the American Embassy They have a weird accent in Cameroon. It sounds like click-boo. I've been in contact with the American Embassy in Cameroon and the United States International Air Travel. I'm pressing charges on the sender, Camila Magan, and anyone else that is involved in this matter. So don't buy anything from Cameroon because they all lie to you, Don. I'm kidding. I could sell you a Cameroon because they all lie to you, Don. I could sell you a Cameroon lie, but that's a lie. Oh, wait, no, it's the truth.

Shit. Stog, Stog. Linda with a Y. Oh, boy. Reply number 22. Hello, my name is Linda. I am also from Italia. Oh, Stog. Linda with a Y. Oh, boy. Reply number 22. Hello, my name is Linda. I am also from Italia. Oh, good lord.

Oh, no. Oh, God. I want the pet monkey to leave it to me, please. I always want the one. He'll take care of it. Why is there no kudos button? I wish the internet worked the way Linda thought the internet worked. Why is there no kudos button? I wish the internet worked the way Linda thought the internet worked.

Can I be Damien? Can I be Damien? Okay, you can be Damien. Go ahead. Please do not trust Dr. Gordon from Johannesburg. He was giving a capuchin girl Lily for adoption. Of course, I jumped the chance, but he wanted shipping fee. I said that I wouldn't pay until I see the monkey. So he agreed to pay the shipping fee,

but said that when I get to the airport, I had to pay 300 pounds. So I agreed. He gave me all our flight information through, he threw Air France into. Right. And even someone from this so-called Air France van, Shirley, a manager emailed me with info of Lily's flight,

so I was pretty sure she was coming. He said she would be there at 4 a.m., so I went to the airport, but there was no such flight. They said it could be the 750 flight, so I waited, but she didn't turn up after several hours of waiting at the airport. I decided to go home. I had an email from a man claiming to be the International Airline Vet Baggio San Buccian was his name.

He even had a UK number, and he said that my pet monkey has arrived in all her paperwork permits, and he could check with fine if I sent 300 through at the unit. I could collect them, but he would not give me an address, so I told him my deal was to see the monkey first after this. None of them would reply any of my e-meow, so

obviously I knew this was a scam, a very convincing one, so this does sound familar. Be our, and look out for all the names in my message. Good luck. See, this is what cocaine and the internet do not mix. Could you imagine, like, this guy trying to start, like, small talk with you as he's, like, in, like, hour three of waiting for his monkey at the airport.

I like monkeys. Do you like monkeys? I'm waiting for a monkey. Are you waiting for a monkey? I'm going to pay 300 pounds for this. See, that's why I get Monkey Store Prime so that you don't have to pay for shipping. You just pay a flat fee.

Because you know you're going to make up for it later. You're going to order a lot of monkeys. My name's Kathy! I think my name's Kathy! Oh god. I was just scammed by a catty pike at Yahoo!

I was ripped off of $330! I felt it was wrong but went ahead and sent the money sure yeah also a fraud pet express sent me an email saying they was holding the baby and couldn't send her without the money and like a big dummy i did just then I became a big dummy I Western Union the money to mass so look out for this Joker also so look out yeah sure he said it to the priest and he said what the hell of any monkeys any jokers in church I have filed a lot of complaints of the law is going to go to the place. She picked up the money yesterday and tried to get a picture that was on the camera.

So keep your fingers crossed we get this scammer. We're going to get you. I told all the people who want monkeys, and they are legion. National monkey police squad. We're going to hang them high. Oh, yeah. Now that's a video game right there. That's a really good video game.

Leads the shit out of a Canadian hunting werewolves or whatever. Absolutely. So you might be thinking to yourself, you know, I've got around my scammers. I've got my monkey successfully through whatever channels. But now the monkey's shitting a lot. I need to get a diaper for my monkey.

But for whatever reason, I can't use normal diapers. Well, as it happens, there's a website specifically set up to sell you monkey diapers. Oh, God. It's called So Simply Monkey. By Julie.

I don't want to get it mixed up with So Simply Monkey by Bunny Bread, because I was the first. I was the original. It's like a slanket and snuggie. Oh, there's dresses! Oh, they've got, uh... You don't want your monkey to look like an idiot at monkey prom, dude.

What kind of monkey mom are you? Jesus. No, don't drink any beer at the prom, and I expect you to be back home by seven, or no bananas for you. Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Okay. or no bananas for you. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So, my name's Julie. Hey, Julie. What the hell's wrong with you? All my monkey diapers, covers, and clothing are custom made

for each individual monkey. Oh. Oh, God. My fashions are designed for comfort, physical protection, and sanitation of the monkey. Physical protection for monkey football? Yeah, sure, why not? Besides which, they are just darn cute looking. My website is not intended to encourage purchasing a monkey, but for those who already own one.

My monkey designs are fashioned for the comfort of the monkey. I believe the durability and quality speaks for itself. I make clothes for their physical protection against the weather for sanitation purposes. Plus, looking good is always a plus. So, it's a fashionable monkey because it's got a diaper on.

Diapers are in this year right here amongst monkeys. Diapers in the new black. Have you checked out the new light up of Louis Vuitton diapers for monkeys? Okay, let me tell you how it all started.

Hi there. My name's Julie and I make clothes for monkeys. 2001 started it all when a friend of mine asked me to make clothes for her little capuchin. After I got done laughing, I got down to work. After much trial and error, I designed and crafted my own specialty patterns for my monkey diaper covers and clothing perfectly suited for these active and wonderful creatures.

I consider every item I make a work of art as individual and special as the monkey. You could put it in the museum. Stug, you hadn't actually looked at the site until now, had you? Yeah, he wasn't just mad at me. That's real. Those are real words. I just imagined a monkey diaper in a famous museum like the Museum of Modern Art. a monkey diaper in a famous museum like the Museum of Modern Art. This is a North American

simian wear, often used to clean up feces. This was found in trailer parks all over our great nation. I don't have a segue for this, so I'm just going to go to theprimatestore.com, and Adam is going to read The Monkey Legacy by Tanya Reiter. Once upon a time, long, long ago, when monkeys ruled the earth.

Period. End of sentence. End of story, really. That's pretty earth. Period. End of sentence. End of story, really. That's pretty good. That sums it all up. People, if any, would respect them if not they could consider the zoo their home. Yeah, that's sort of a sentence. Dinosaurs were yet to come,

but still no one knew about their amazing technology dinosaur teleportation couldn't be grasped by the near human mind they had computers and televisions before technology was invented yep that all works okay they had a secret language and many different words and communication skills they would circle their hands in the air, meaning they want to dance. Yeah, that blows my mind. I've never seen that. Even the dinosaurs would gang them style. What else?

If they didn't have to dance, I mean, that's all I ever wanted out of life, was to signal that I wanted to dance. Well, they would stomp their foot on the ground, didn't have to dance. I mean, that's all I ever wanted out of life, was to signal that I wanted to dance. Well, they would stomp their foot on the ground, meaning they have to pee. Oh, yeah, that was the only other thing that I could think of. Their place words were so amazing. Ooh, ee, ah, oh, ah, ah,

Ching, chang, walla, walla, bing, bang. Wait, bing was capital. Oh, they mean the search engine, don't they? Chandler. Okay. Monkeys had amazing technology. They had computers we won't invent for another 30 years. Their TVs were so advanced they could turn them on

and they, when they want, with their mind waves. You ask how a monkey could use their little brains to make these extravagant things? I wasn't asking that, but okay. Now you are. Like super computers and master TVs? Yeah. We their master, King Monkey the Second. I say to you,

ooh-ee, ooh-ah-ah, ching-chang, voila-wala, I forget the rest. Bananas are plentiful. We are happy. So it's like when you become Pope and you choose your Pope name.

Yeah, it's his Simeon Signet name. So he chose the name Monkey. Yeah. After his father, who led before him. We there master, King Monkey II, had problems talking, so therefore the other monkeys had to try to understand. These monkeys are amazingly friendly. When a person came near them, they would give them a chance to run away

before chasing them with a big stick. What? Again, this is from primatestore.com. Primatestore.com. Primatestore.com. It's got everything for primate lovers. Primate diets, primate treats, enrichment toys, treat holders, foraging units, foraging diet, and monkey jewelry. Like monkey crowns.

Oh, good. So as I was saying, their technology was amazing. Blah, blah, blah. Yatta, yatta, yatta. Certificate, yep. You know. Oh, wait, you don't. That would be my point of this legacy.

Ha! Anyway, their technology was invented so they could communicate and understand King Monkey the 2nd. What the fuck are you, what? What is happening? King Monkey the 1st died in a mysterious accident while filming Planet of the Apes. Good God. What? Anyways, you're probably falling asleep now, but don't.

Okay. Oh, God. Good thing you told me not to fall asleep. I would have fallen asleep. That's the essence of any good storytelling is to tell the reader not to fall asleep. Here, everything gets better the monkeys made their computers so king monkey would talk into a thing and they would read the other thing and blah blah blah oops i'm doing it again i think i think you got something a little wrong with you

tanya reuter what i think you're fine don't worry king monkey would talking into a complicated microphone attached to the computer which would then get into his mind or read his mind and write what he was saying or if he had audio on it he would say it in the voice chosen yeah so they needed this to know what to do in case of a parakeet bombing of families running out of bananas. Now, are the parakeets their enemies, or do their enemies use the parakeets as bomber planes? Yeah, I feel like they must be like parakeet bombs, like some sort of weird Terry Gilliam cartoon. Initiate the banana bailout. I guess I can see it, and'm already fast forwarding past it.

Now you know a little more about monkeys and their habitat early in the beginning of the world. If you enjoyed this book, be sure to look for the Monkey Legacy 2 Jump to the Future. Going back in time! Monkeys are amazing.

Never overlook them again. Oh, okay. You taught me the error of my ways. They interpret our actions to their own lives and ways. Like when you show teeth to a dog, it thinks you're trying to fight. Yeah, that's the same thing as everything you just said. So watch yourself next time you're around a monkey. Monkeys have inspired me

to write this book, and hopefully many more. Oh, so it was monkeys that was the subject, okay. Also look for different series, possibly legacies of cats, dogs, bunnies, hamsters, birds, gerbils, and many more. This your author, Tanya Reuter, signing out.

But you can't dress up hamsters in a dress. How can you write stories about those? You can't. Try harder. I think you need to find hamsterstore.com So yeah, so primatestore.com which sells shit for your monkey

there's actually a bunch more stories and they're all very much worth reading you should definitely as a listener go to primatestory.com and start looking through their story section but we're not going to do that because here's the thing about Montreth.

Now, we've heard some bad things about Montreth with exposing us to dick bugs. Dick bugs are the worst bugs. But the Yahoo group Monkey Poop, which is a community of people who keep monkeys as pets, they actually have a vetting process where they make sure that people are showing up and they won't make fun of them.

And Montreth managed to get herself through the vetting process specifically to find this content for us to read. Oh, Montreth, you ninja. She proved that she was not from Cameroon. I take back all those fuck you, Montress. So, if you scroll about halfway

down the dock, you'll see like a red paragraph followed by... That means keep out or poison or something? No, nothing. So there's a red paragraph, and then there's the word help. There's a monkey in a fishnet tank top.

I just... A little bit past that. That's pretty sexy, though, isn't it? Wow. Kind of got an In Excess vibe to him. You're going to want to go past the monkey with the fishnet top. Devil inside.

Devil inside. Every single one of us. Devil... Okay. Stog, if you'll take that help, please. Help! I won't monkey-board anything in the world. I heard once they reach their sexual maturity, they get very mean,

and they aren't as lovable as they are when they are little, if this is true. very mean and they aren't as lovable as they are when they are little if this is true. If so, can I do anything to keep one nice? Is that game on monkey? I want all the monkey loving for myself.

I like the way that they describe monkeys going through puberty is exactly the way humans go through puberty. They get very mean and they aren't as lovable. Right. They get kind mean, and they aren't as lovable. Right. Yeah. They get kind of ugly.

Don't really want to talk to them anymore. I'm looking to get a capuchin. Please help ASAP. I know I can get their canines to cut to perfect bed bites, and I heard them getting them spayed or nude. Dude.

Get them spayed or nude. Beat them with a shovel. Oh, I just got to shave all the fucking fur off this monkey so he will stay nude. Clang. Now you're lovable. He used to bite me, but now he just sits in a corner and drools. He used to bite me, but now he just sits in a corner and drools. I heard getting them spayed or neutered doesn't help a lot. I really need help.

I don't want to get a monkey and have to worry about it hitting me after three or four years. Help! Hey, don't get a monkey. That's just ridiculous. Kumquat, you're next. My frist monk kid. Wait, Bill Frist? Yes.

Also a child that is a monk. No, no, the TV show. Oh. I was so happy to get her. It had taken two years to get her. Yeah. Yeah. All I had in mind was it was going to be like having a baby. I got her at three weeks.

Now she is two mon. And it is hard sometimes I want to come here to all of you to find I good home for her. I am I good mom. So times it is hard for me to do it. What? What are you? Wait, are you trying to sell your monkey? I'm really not sure what's going on here.

I want to be the best mom I can be, but I don't think I have what it takes anymore. I get this sadness something. First of all, you've had this monkey for five weeks now. I think she has nonpartum depression. You have never had so deep, so painful, it is as if my insides are on fire. Oh, it's a Linkin Park lyric. Did this monkey give you a venereal disease? It's as if you're not taking your medication when all of your family keeps insisting that you do.

My monkey is my family now. That's all I need. And life is so hard to deal with. That is how it has always been for me. Yeah, no shit. This monkey was not the answer I thought it would be. Sorry. But I was thanking it.

I got her. It would make me happy. It did for so time. But the sadness came back. I feel now it will be with me forever. I sometimes feel God has too read his back on me. Jesus. Now, I mean, I've gotten pretty low sometimes,

but I've never thought what's going to take me out of this is if I get a monkey. I don't know how low you have to get. You haven't known real- I guess not. I should be counting all of my monkey blessings and i feel sad for you because if your lows have never been that low then your highs have never been that high like you haven't experienced the true joy that is having a monkey oh i get it as soon as you become a monkey father it's all about you should do it too right yeah exactly

you just you know you just experience life in a much deeper level. Everything changes, man. I'm just an adult now that I have a monkey. Look, if your monkey can't cure your depression, then you're just screwed, alright? I remember the first time that I looked at my monkey's eyes. And it bit me on the nose, and then I cried. Anyway. I have had this all my life.

My mom gave me up at two, and I have been passed on and on ever since. What should I do? I love my baby, but I want her to have the best? Oh, it's two people. What? It's LaDawn and Mandy's My head made one of the monkeys. Is Mandy the monkey or is LaDawn?

My head monkey. I'm assuming that she's acting as if Oh, we're going to write a letter about how much Mommy wants to put a gun in her mouth. Coming to CBS this fall, Mandy's sad face. I think she called that her prime headmate. Maybe the monkey took

dictation. Pray for Jojo. Bunny Bread, if you'll take trouble, please. Trouble. Hey, guys. uh bunny bread if you'll take trouble please trouble hey guys have any of you been having trouble with your monks the last few days yeah they won't make wine i've got a i've got a monastery and these sons of bitches just won't stop yapping and they get up early minding hey you hey you! Hey you! Stop making that beer! Stop making that beer! Minding, that is. Mine have all gone wild.

And I'm selling it on DVD! Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum It is really strange. Even Maxwell, who is a love who was a brat the other night, he got mad because I wouldn't let him take off the lens cover to camera. I told him no. And he reached again.

So I tapped his hand and said, Max, no! And boy, he jumped on Steve's lap and barked and barked at me. He's a dog, by the way. I'm not very good at zoology. A dog with thighs.

He knows better than to do anything else. Okay. Then there was Buddha, who usually stops when you say Buddha no. Well, he was trying to swing from the pictures. The mantle on the fireplace and the TV. So I was chasing him around all night. And I usually don't have to. And last but not least was Alpha.

Alfie, the I love, dad, I tolerate you monk. So I just want to stop for a quick, quick second here, Patty. Just now when I'm hitting my phone? I'm sorry, Patty. But so you adopted several monkeys, and one of your monkeys was... Is a dog. Yeah, but one of your monkeys was

swinging around your house, and that's frustrating to you because you don't want that. You didn't expect that, and rather it didn't happen. I tried to clip its wings, which turns out were arms. That's only monkey angels.

Yeah. I wanted monkeys without arms or legs. Except for monkey-like behavior. Yeah. Let's see here. Alfie the I-Love-Dad-I-Tolerate-You-Monk. He has a thing for the phone. The phone and he are trying to evoke.

So we always hide it so he can't play with it. Well, he found it and kept opening the cabinet doors to get it. And he doesn't know what that word now means. Because he's a monkey! Doesn't actually understand language. Yeah, but dogs do, and

the dog could have told him, so, you know. Fucking, jeez. So, I kept getting up and taking dog could have told him So, you know Fucking, jeez So, I kept getting up and taking it away from him And closing the doors one time I reached for his hands to remove it And he went crazy, grabed my leg and put his teeth on me He had just varrily scrapped it But I never moved and got in his face

Took me totally by surprise As he was, I'd only done this one other time And left no marks at all Next time, I will pin his little butt to the floor. I will be ready. The next time he went for the phone and started to give me trouble, Dad was there. And on top of it, all Alfie did was grab his leg and shake his head like I was just playing. Uh-huh.

He shook Dad's head? Sure, yeah. Just shook his head at Dad. Oh, God. god can't believe you put up with this woman you married this what the fuck pal that's your funeral I'm gonna go nail that dog if you don't mind

I have just been able to start handle him at all in the last few weeks so I guess the challenge is on no wait the challenge ding ding there we go and then there is Gizzy he was everywhere and into everything Dawn. No, wait, the Chalegi. Ding, ding! Yeah, there we go. And then there is Gizzy.

He was everywhere and into everything. He thinks one kiss and he's forgiven. Why do monkeys hate you for naming them such stupid things? Gizzy, get out of the piece. Get out of the piece, Gizzy. I'm not Gizzy, I'm Fluzzleder. Oh, I'm sorry, Fluzzleder. This is why I'm afraid to have neighbors.

Because I feel like that's my luck. I live right next to Monkey Lady. Well, you do live in Park Slope, right? I do live in Park Slope. There's been crazier things, but I feel like this kind of stuff happens when you have a backyard and a fence to hide behind. He is a mommy's boy. Just ask Holly and Darlene.

Patty. Wait, Holly and Darlene were just the other monkeys, or? Yeah. I don't know a Holly and Darlene, if you do you should go ask her about my new character Just introducing new characters into the fucking post Yes Right there at the end It fell down

That's not good story writing Okay so scroll down Adam to RE colon monkey poop help Regarding monkey poop Help Christina your story Your friend gave me the chills colon monkey poop help? Regarding monkey poop, help. Christina, your story,

your friend gave me the chills. I've also been through the same ordeal with Molly at four years of age. A person wouldn't believe it unless they witnessed the fury of a seven-pound capuchin in full attack mode. Seven pounds, my God. Seven pounds. My God. Seven whole pounds of monkey. In a diaper.

When I first got on the primate lists, I'd hear a few people talking about their adult female attacking them. In the back of my mind, I reasoned with myself that somehow it must have been the way they raised this monkey. In a fucking house. What? but somehow it must have been the way they raised this month. In a fucking house? Not.

Oh, sure. It's from the 90s. I found that the worst attacks are with the female cinnamons and the B&Ws. So the female stripper monkeys. Oh, okay. Yeah. Hey, daddy. Those ones.

You got a peanut? I'll give you a lap dance If you I don't know how to do that The black caps seem much more Laid back We contemplated having Molly's spade But decided against it

Because of the surgery risks involved. We first had her just canines removed. What? Did I say that right? We first had just her canines removed. They took her teeth out? Where do you find a veterinarian for this kind of thing? Defang my monkey. So are you going to spay her? Yeah, let me get in that mouth there. Where do you find a veterinarian for this kind of thing?

Defang my monkey. So are you going to spay her? Yeah, let me get in that mouth there. No, no, Doc, I don't think you understand. Make my monkey not bite. Which may have prevented more extensive injuries, but still, she'd do a number on you. Oh, so she was doing that.

Yep. I have many scars, and Molly earned the nickname Molly the Mangler L-O-L This is my monkey Molly the Mangler Where you going? You don't want a monkey sit for me? Why can't I meet a nice man? Presents are at 9 o'clock

everybody When she kept attacking we took her back to the vents man. Presents are at 9 o'clock, everybody. When she kept attacking, we took her back to the vents, and he removed her front teeth. Take more teeth out of my monkey, please! I'm just envisioning, like, some monkey sitting on the front porch with a banjo at this point.

By the vet, I mean Back Alley Dave. Yeah. Back Alley Dave punched her real hard. I'll take care of that funky monkey for you. Hey, make some monkeys. I'll do this one for free. Back Alley Dave is back from Iraq, and he needs $50. So, from canines forward are gone.

This helped so much. She's now ten years old and has calmed down a lot. Well, yeah, every time she acts up, you rip a part of her off. So would I. Yeah. She's calmly gumming me. But it's a very serene gum. Kids today, you know, when I was growing up,

my parents would take me to the dentist and remove my teeth if I was acting up. Her last attack was on my brother-in-law. Oh, boy. Wait, so they shot her? We took out that motherfucker's teeth, too. Yeah, so this is my sister. She's got a monkey. She couldn't really get the good bite,

but scratched the hell out of his legs. Thank goodness that with her front teeth gone, it was taking the fear out of me. And she senses that. You just gotta remove her fingers and you're all set. In fact, Ellie Deeb could take care of that. Jesus Christ. I still don't take any undue chances,

but I feel relaxed setting and holding her, taking her to and from enclosures, which before was impossible. I would definitely consider spaying, but I just can't talk Paul into having Molly spayed. So the solution is to rip his mouth out? Really? It's not even an emotional problem anymore. I just want to cut her genitals off.

I took Mom Loki to the theater. She pooped everywhere. I'm thinking about having her butthole sealed. All right, come quiet. I'm giving you the option. You can either take the post entitled Yahoo! Or you can read a list of potential baby names for your monkey. Yahoo!

Hello, everyone! Hello! First of all, I just want to say what a wonderful monkey mom and human mom to Christina is. I met her today and her lovely family and her precious little monkey. She was just adorable. Thank you so much, Christina, in more ways than one. My husband was not entirely sold

on the idea of getting a monkey. Because he's sane. Which you keep pointing out to me. I just don't want poop everywhere. Is that so hard? Well, I don't want poop everywhere. Is that so hard? Well, I do want poop everywhere, and this monkey is the only way to do it. I've been convincing him for a long time now. Whoa!

But after today's visit to Christina, he told me that we can definitely get one. Yeah! Yeah. I'm going to be a monkey mom! I think that's what he said. I mean, his actual words were, I don't give a fuck what you do, I'm out of here. He also said he wants a divorce!

Yeah! We decided to purchase one from Monkey Haven, Cheryl, in Indiana by the end of next month, early September. By then, we should have moved into our new home. Yep. Just in time to ruin it. Poop is fashionable.

What are you talking about? Oh, come on. Like it's not already. So does this place have a monkey room? Or a room we can convert into a monkey room? Well, we have a garage. I don't know what the hell you're asking. Oh, we'll put him in the garage.

That sounds great. We can't afford a car. Oh, I see you have gorilla glue in your toolbox. You must be a fan of monkeys, too. Either way, we are still going to get one. I just can't believe it. We have decided on a female Java Makake. Although, we will take a boy if we need to we will probably be getting one that is very young about two weeks old I'm just so excited any name suggestions

shitter no it's a girl shit oh you're right my favorite girl name so far is either Molly or crazy that one way we get in the boy in the future, we can name him either Max or George. What? What? What? How does that follow? No. Okay.

Look, look, okay, look, look. Okay. So they're going to get two monkeys. One's going to be named George. The other one's going to be named Gracie. And then the one monkey, they're going to get a big scar, too. And the other monkey's going to be incredibly stupid and not know certain

metaphors in terms of phrase. Say goodnight, Gracie. I can't, I'm a monkey! Say goodnight, Gracie. Gracie, get off of that. Gracie! Gracie! Gracie! Gracie! Gracie! Get down here, I'm taking the teeth out!

Gracie, why are you shitting on my TV? It's the family's TV. I'm just so excited. Did I say that already? Ruffle, Leah. So this is another one from Leah. Bunny Bread is entitled, I Just Need to Speak Out. Oh, wait, oh wait,

actually this is a two-parter, so you need to start out with Dakota's new little brother. Dakota's new little brother. Hello, everyone. Hi. Hi. Hey. We just got back from a long, long drive, and we have a new macaque son. We have a four

month old Java macaque boy, and he is a dog.acaque son. We have a four-month-old Java macaque boy and he is a dog. No, he's a monkey. Oh. Dakota was a little bit jealous at first, but they were wrestling together within one hour of arriving home and then they killed each other

in an hour and a half. LOL. LOL. That shit's funny. They were struggling for dominance. Yay! I just had to separate them so that they can get some sleep. We named him Hunter Braden. What?

What's happening? What's happening anymore? Oh, God. This is freedom. I will write more when I'm not so retarded what's your next email oh wait leah dakota and hunter i just need to speak okay everything's still okay well you have like four or five monkeys they're all of completely different species they're fighting with each other so everything's going well? You have like four or five monkeys. They're all of completely different species. They're fighting with each other. So everything's going really well. I gave a few of them switchblades to see how it worked out.

Yeah. One of them has a gun. I am really tired of sitting here in the shadows and pretending like everything is okay. Deep throat? No! It's not okay. No. There is hate mail.

There is jealous mail. What? There is cusses mail. Jealous of other mail? There's ennui mail. There's morose mail. There is people. There is people. There is people personally attacking me.

And here it is in a nutshell. I am sick of it. I love all my kids. My three. Yes, you heard it. Three-year-old human. Crime. What?

Let me try that again. I love all my kids, my three, yes you heard it, three year old human primate, Cassidy. Human primate? What the fuck? That really, I mean, I don't really think humans are anything

special as far as animals go, but I feel devalued when we get called primates. Okay. Is that... Is that what she's saying? I think she's saying that she has a three-year-old human that she keeps. But also classifies

it amongst the monkeys. It's another primate. To be fair, she treated them all equally. She took all their teeth out. It's another primate. To be fair, she treated them all equally. She took all their teeth out. Oh, Kelly got her first tooth. Whack.

Don't worry, they grow back, y'alls. Little Cassidy can't really say her name too well. Imagine how scared of the Tooth Fairy Cassidy must be. The Tooth Fairy is a mythological figure that wields a spade. Hold still, Cassidy. You want that quarter, don't you? And I love Dakota and Hunter. Whatever it takes to make them all healthy and happy,

like removing every last part of them. I will do it. Then, uh, turn yourself over to the authorities. I will not do it. Whatever. No matter what. I will make them all happy. So please, stop

attacking me. Because I do not feel like I deserve it. Most of you don't know but I am a journalist I have a blog about monkey shit and a damn good blog about monkey shit award-winning my trade the daytime Pulitzer yes how big a bag? Oh, wow, okay. And I will back up anything I believe by fact. I love that sentence.

I have that tattooed across my back. I love that sentence. That needs to be... I will back up anything I believe by fact. Please. Let us just try to get along. Let us unite instead of divide. Let us just try to at least get along.

I don't need to say this again, do I? Okay, let us just try to at least get along. She's a journalist. She won awards, damn it. Yeah. Okay, let us just try to at least get along. She's a journalist. She won awards, damn it.

Yep. And the winner is the most punctuation in a fucking sentence. There's Leah crossing her fingers. I don't thank me. I thank the 22 semicolons I used in that sentence. And I won, that's my award, the participation award for the, you know, upper Colorado

water conservation newsletter. You know... Please. She was... Okay, instead of trying to dissuade each other and give in to the common beliefs, why not try to be an example like me?

I'm an example of what not to do ever. Why not try to be the norm instead of the common denominator? What? Yeah. Does she understand any of the words she just put down there? Why be part of the norm when you can be a face in the crowd yeah you could be normal or you could be average your choice you could go with this or you could go with this

so so like this is this is one thing i'm trying to get my head around is the fact that she's like trying to defend herself. Yeah. And, and this is from a, like a monkey mom secret board. Right. Yeah. So who's attacking her? I'm thinking the voices in her head. I,

I have to presume there's a post that's not here where she posted some, you know, sub par diaper. That's what you're putting your children in? Oh dear. Where's the hole for the tail? Monkeys don't have tails! Okay.

All of our monks are at stake. I just don't seem to understand. What the hell is the problem here? You have a monkey Don't we? As a fucking child That's what the problem is Oh, okay, alright

We'll just have to agree to disagree I'm willing to defend mine publicly Wait, so you get up in town hall meetings saying I don't need you guys saying monkeys get out! I'm tired of living in the shadows. I'm willing to defend my public high elite, no matter what it takes. Why is it so hard for people to be nice here? There is nothing to hide except for everything about ourselves.

Why don't we just band together? Let's band. You're banned from all of us. Instead of being so separated, please let's just unite. Together we can make a difference. Hugs!

There's a lot more closed parentheses than there are open. Leah Dakota and well shit leo i gotta say i gotta say uh i'm on board now you convinced me yeah okay hello everyone good idea i'm glad i won you all over i feel so fucking stupid today i'm so sorry for writing that email last night I got an email yesterday from someone Bashing me for collecting monkeys And that was just the last straw It just snapped And got mad

And wrote it out of anger I borrowed a monkey friend A few hundred dollars to put a deposit down on a monkey You borrowed a monkey friend? Yeah she borrowed it I borrowed some money from another monkey, okay? That monkey's doing really well in the stock market. He's going to bite my legs if I don't pay him back.

The monkey loan shark. Where's my bananas? Nice place you got here. Shame if someone took a shit on it. Splat. Oh, sorry. I'm clumsy. Oh, jeez.

That's a little macaque. Look at me pooping all over. I didn't tell you that I did this. And now she says that she can't pay me back. Not only that, she won't return my phone calls or emails. Also, she never existed. Ah. I haven't known her for long, only about a month,

but I considered her a great friend in that short time. Oh, God. I was, quote, was pretty stupid. Now I'm brilliant. Yes, you were stupid. This is the second time I've gotten burned by a friend in the last month too. It was a it was a cat that got me

before. He was from Nigeria he said. I know this lady. You can scam her out of monkey money. Hey, I need $200 to pay for kibble. Can you lend me that? Also last night the credit card company called me and asked if I wanted to offer a $500 increase in my limit for a cash advance from an ATM.

So, of course, I did it. Duh. Monkeys are out there, and they need my help. Well, apparently, someone got my credit card number off the internet. Because I was, again, was really stupid. Posted it twice on an unsecured site. Just like a picture of it?

What? My newest baby just arrived. It's a Discover card. It's almost like it's almost just like a cliche how stupid these people, like, they're so stupid like that, yeah, you bought a monkey, you're that

stupid, and you get fooled for this twice. Like, it's so, this is baffling. These would be like cartoon characters. Jesus. Then someone painted to make it look like there was a tunnel just on a flat wall, and I ran into it a lot. Jesus. Then someone painted to make it look like there was a tunnel just on a flat wall. And I ran into it. A lot.

This rabbit keeps putting his finger in my gun. I see this trick all the time and you won't stop stuttering and it makes me so sad. They tried to get money out of this car. Oh my god. I was over my spending limit on that car. It's the Lord provides.

Laughing out loud. My bad decisions compound into one good decision. Can't steal money I can't steal. My husband should... Too late, it's gone. My husband should actually late it's gone my husband should actually thank me for overspending this time yeah you should all this stuff kind of just built up on

me I got this horrible email last night I just broke down and cried then thank god I'm so emotionally recovered now I got mad and acted rash and posted that awful email i'm truly truly sorry that i acted out so emotionally because you know the stoic people

that we are us monkey moms i hope that i didn't offend anyone by saying stupid shit just that once. I should have just been the bigger person and ignored the email, or at the very least responded privately to the person instead of lashing out publicly. Once again, I'm truly sorry for shooting off my big fucking stupid whore mouth, as my husband likes to call me. It's Leigh Anticona. Dakota oh so the monkey's posting that Jesus Christ I would also like to it's not worth reading the pages of other amazing

shit but like some of the other posts have her lamenting that she took out an $1800 loan to among other things buy outfits from Bill-A-Bear for her monkey. Yeah, that's true. Well, sure. I mean, do you really want your monkey to be dressed like a pauper?

Like, it'll get made fun of at monkey school. No, imagine these people dealing with teachers. She's so emotionally unstable, just like, well, your child is having trouble, and like, oh my god! I just wanted to enroll my monkey in private school, and they told me he shits everywhere, and they wouldn't take him! Wait, so they waited long enough for him to start shitting all over the place? That's a great part. Well, we can consider it. Yeah, I think so. Some sort of diversity plan that'll include a monkey,

I bet. Oh, yeah. So, that was fun. Please tell me we're reading human Z at the end. Human Z? Okay, take it. Human Z.

Pet or person? Okay, take it. Human Z. Pet or person? Pet. Hey. Hey. Since we were talking about weird hybrids a while back, I just thought I'd start this topic. What do you think human Z's human slash chimp hybrids would be like? An affront to God.

Jesus. Would they be intelligent? Not as intelligent as us. To be a new spices of subhumans. I love spicy monkeys. That lived among humans with their own lives, jobs, etc.?

Separate but equal? Or would they simply be quote, another animal and or exotic pets? God. Would they be an evolutionary relic from a couple million years ago? Literally devolving. I really

hope I see them create these creatures in my lifetime. What? Because I'd like to see how smart and how human-like they could be, regardless of other people's morals and ethics. Fucking fuck's sake. Look around. If you want something that looks like it's human and barely acts like it's human, it's everybody.

It's your goddamn family. If they are human enough, I would find it very interesting living among these new people. What do you mean, these new people?

Jesus Christ. God damn people? Jesus Christ. God damn it. Jesus Christ. What? What? God. This is the only way I'm going to feel intellectually and physically superior to a being. I tried hanging around toddlers, but they grew up.

I gotta help a bunch of paint and develop a superiority complex. That's the only way I'll know. I tried dominating my real kids, but they beat me up as soon as they graduated from college. Okay, square peg, round hole, fuck! God damn it. Well, gonna try it again tomorrow. Square peg, triangle hole, fuck! I'm going to try it again tomorrow. Triangle. Fuck! I'm going to have a smoke.

Everyone else should de-evolve so this is easier. Then they'll listen. Monkey, monkey, don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey? Hey, hey, fox to fox, rat to rat, you can hate me, I know about that. And there we go. We're at about an hour of, hey, hey, we're making bad decisions. People always say this is a bad decision. Bunny Bread, what'd you learn this week? Oh, I learned so much. Let's see here.

Just from Leah alone, the madam who we saw how that worked out for her, I was really gung-ho about this whole idea, because, you know, children, human children, they're something, okay, great, you raise them, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know that they're going to turn out like you.

And for all of us, that's rather depressing. That's true. That's true, yeah. However, monkeys, oh, God, you could raise the next monkey president for all you know. The standard is a little bit different, you know, because, like, you know, if you're raising a human child, then it's like, oh, you know, it's a year, she's not crawling, you know. Oh, God, am I a bad parent? Ba-ba-da. But instead, if you have a monkey child, monkey child's three years old, you could brag, you know.

Like, my child, there's none of my child's shit on the wall from this week. It's true. All the shit on the wall is a week or more old. So, see, yeah, now I'm back with it. All right, Leo is making me rethink it. Like, I thought maybe I'd try a starter animal, like something easy, like a cobra kid or a Komodo dragon kid. Yeah. That would be, you know, that's fine.

Plus, you know, they're cuddly. But, yeah, to hell with it. You're right. Monkeys are the way to go. I'm just, I've got to start saving up my million zillion dollars so I can not receive the monkey in the mail. That would be nice. It's really, do you remember, do you remember ever being, like, do you remember being a kid and seeing an animal and then just, you really want to, like, I remember seeing a rabbit before, like, in my parents' backyard. And I was excited about seeing the rabbit.

And so I wanted to catch the rabbit and have it because I like it. So I want to hold it because I like it. So, therefore, it should be mine. Right. Yeah. Well, most things in life are yours as a kid. No, until. Yeah. And it's something

that I think these women never quite get over, of I think a capuchin monkey is cute. Yes, of course you think it's cute. Objectively, it's a pretty cute animal. When you see a photo of it, or you see it in a zoo, when you see it properly cared for,

it's when it has to be around your dumb ass that everything really goes to shit. I do like that they're seeing it properly cared for. It's when it has to be around your dumb ass that everything really goes to shit. I do like that they're seeing it as very cute, but it's just missing a prom dress. You know, it really... And if you're looking for monkeys who fling their own poo, I would recommend you go to thefpl.us,

where all of our episodes are where people can leave comments. And when you're done with that, you should go to Ball Pit at B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. As of this recording, we just started a whole thread where different people are showing off

areas of their expertise. So if you need help lying to women, I think Bunny Bread can help you out with that. Gotcha, baby. So, yeah, please visit those websites and leave some comments. We'd love to hear from you. Good night. Bye-bye!

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