The F Plus - 102: I've Also Got An Idea For A Reboot Of Young Guns

Episode Date: May 13, 2013

With operating budgets starting in the millions of dollars, the American Motion Picture is not an art form prone to risk or innovation. As the internet democratizes art, fresh ideas can come from anywhere. Take, for example, the website FilmProposals.com, where people write down poorly considered movie ideas to an audience of nobody for no reason whatsoever. Could this change the face of Hollywood? Sure, why not? This week, sex will be had (like it or not).

William Blair, true independent, not a Sundance ass kisser. Film party, one, two, three, four. Film party, check out the score. Film party, can't shut it down. It's a film party weekend for sure. Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast. Terrible things, red with enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. I'm Boots Ringer. Hey Boots, how you doing tonight? Awesome, awesome. I've come up with an amazing idea. Okay, okay, good, good.

I love amazing ideas. It is time to scrap the fucking podcast. Oh, about time, finally. Yeah, yeah. We're going to make movies. There we go. There we go. Okay, yeah, that's the medium of the future, really.

Yeah, because I am the visionary of this podcast. Yeah, I always do that. As you know, as everyone future, really. Yeah, because I am the visionary of this podcast. Yeah, I always did that. As you know, as everyone knows, really. Yep. And I have a hundred amazing ideas, and at least one of them is going to be made into a hit movie by us. Fuck. I am so glad to get out of this podcast game.

All right, give me the first idea. Okay. All right. There's a bunch of cats. Sure. And they're going to pull off a heist, but everything goes fucking wrong. Okay. Okay.

So that's your F-plus movie? Yeah. Okay. Okay, so we're going to need, I mean, we obviously won't be able to train cats, so we're going to probably need to get some CG cats. I don't really know CG, so I'll have to talk to somebody. Oh, my God. Oh, that sounds awful.

That sounds awful. Okay, all right, scrap that idea. Oh my god. Oh, that sounds awful. That sounds awful. Okay. Alright, scrap that idea. That idea sucks. Whoever came up with that as a fucking asshole, screw that idea. Right, yeah. Alright, okay. We got, um, the next one is, uh, two men, uh, not

actual pigs, but they're dressed as pigs, and they're hit men. And there's also a boxer involved somewhere. Okay, there's a boxer involved. Is he a friend, or is he also a hit man? No, he's wanted by the hit men. He's wanted by the hit men.

Okay, so two men in pig suits have to kill a boxer. I think what makes sense is to make the boxer kind of like a little bit of a draw. So I think if we can get James Franco to be a boxer, I don't know who's going to be the pigs. That's too much bullshit

to think about. That's too much bullshit to think about. Okay. That's too much bullshit to think about. Let's do it everyone. Oh, okay. All right. All right. So you got these two guys. Yeah.

And they go to a bar. Good. The bar's full of zombies. Sure. That's popular. And then there's a dog that's dance, I guess. Sure. Okay.

Okay. Dog dancing and zombies, the two hottest trends in Hollywood right now. Yeah. Yeah. And there's going to be a lot of feet. There's going to be people sucking on feet. It's going to be awesome. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. That actually probably makes sense because there's a lot of foot fetishes out there in the world. Yeah. Probably do not have a mainstream Hollywood film to cater to them. Okay, yeah, that actually probably makes sense because there's a lot of foot fetishes out there in the world. Probably do not have a mainstream Hollywood film to cater to them. Maybe they do, but I don't know what it is. So, okay, yeah, so we're going to need, I mean, that's actually not too much.

Obviously, we need a dancing dog, but that'll be easy. We're going to need, obviously, location for the bar, You know, get some zombie makeup. Some people that do zombie makeup. Probably hire a lot of extras. No. No. I don't know. Boots, I feel like every time we get to the logistics of your film idea, you just sort of glaze over.

I know. You know, I thought Reservoir Cats, pig fictioniction, and From Dusk Till Dawn. We're all going to fuck. What we have tonight is an episode about film proposals. This is people pitching movies and having no follow-through. It's basically the aha of movies, even though aha had movies in it. All right, readers, assemble!

Hello, but now film party. I met you there at the film party. I love you so much in film party. Pass me a cup. I met you at the film party, yeah. In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. Making Marvel must balance career and family, murder, and math homework. Come quads up.

How to make a movie. If new to the movie business, first get some experience. It's your Aquaddle. No one can predict the battle's outcome yet, but one victor is certain. The audience! Left-hand radio's own Adam Bozarth. And agent action is proof at 24 frames per living color second. And lemon.

They also asked me to improve the quality of the movie, which I am not the best at. All right, I am taking requests up here on filmproposals.com. The header contains the images, lights, camera, action, and the people that visit it have never seen any of them. I am taking requests here. Who would you like to hear from?

Would you like to hear from Shemuel M. Johnson, who is 12 years old? Oh. Or would you like to hear from Nathan. Johnson, who is 12 years old? Oh. Or would you like to hear from Nathan Wilkes, who is 14 years old?

Johnson. Shemuel. I want the first one. Shemuel. I want the 12-year-old. Shemuel. 12-year-old.

So you're all okay with the fact that we're about to make fun of a 12-year-old. Boy, am I. Good, me too. Yeah, I'm totally fine with that.

Over a 14-year-old, yeah. Yeah,. Good, me too. Yeah, I'm totally fine with that. Over a 14-year-old, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Does he like fried chicken? He seems like it'd be easier to make fun of. The tears will be sweeter. My name is Samuel L. Johnson. Fuck it. I like fried chicken.

Take two. Okay. My name is Samuel L. Johnson, and I am 12 years of age. Please do not cancel me out until you hear all of my proposal. I have cast a crew that are mainly youth and young adults, but I don't count us out because we are younger than the average filmmaker. We have not had one adult work. None of us have made a porn.

We have not had one adult work with us for screenplay, props, and other objects necessary to compile a motion picture. All we need is a small grant of $2,200 to get us the advertising, product packaging, and cast play. Wow. So pretty cheap. Yeah. Like, crank high voltage costs $20 million. This is only $2,200. And I guarantee you it's going to be better.

That's not true. There's no way. Crank high voltage is amazing. Why do you think Lemon used that as a standard? Exactly. I like that that's a piece of knowledge he just has in his head. I know a lot of facts about Crank Eye Voltage I could recite. All right.

The movie titled Fight for Pure... Fuck. Shamuel. The movie. Shamuel, what's the name of your movie? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm going to develop a list for the last paragraph. The movie titled Fight for Pure Power. It's about a team of kids finding a power source that protects good and vanquishes evil and four cruel bullies that find the complete opposite of Source that destroys everything it's used against. Once the opposite force, appropriately named the Mass, creates an infection that pierces the Earth, the team of brave kids takes on their identity as the Jet Team. Yeah.

Cool. Our deadline is July 20th. So get to it. Thank you for taking the time to read this proposal. Shamuel Johnson, director of Fight for Pure Power, the movie. I have a Gmail account, and I'm in the U.K. somewhere. Wait, no, I'm not. Because I'm in Oklahoma.

But that's the wrong area. Where is Oklahoma, I'm not. Uh-oh. Because I'm in Oklahoma. But that's the wrong area code. Where's Oklahoma UK? There we go. Okay. Oklahoma UK. Oh, man. So, you know, we've got with us Adam Bozar, star of stage and screen. Asterisk.

Select screen. Star of star of stage and screen. Asterisk. Select screen. Star of A stage and A screen. My screen. So, Adam, if you would bring us the pitch for dollars. D-A-L-E-R, dollar sign. Dollars. Whoa. I was not expecting a photo

of the author. Well, what's the author's name? Brandon Tatum Glass. All right, Brandon. What do you got for us? You're from Murrieta, California. Los Angeles. That's not how cities work. It doesn't go

city, state, other city. Close enough. This is Brandon Tatum Glass, and this is my pitch for dollars. That's a terrible... Yeah, absolutely, yep. D-A space, capital L, capital E, capital R, dollar sign. Pronounced S. So it's in some way about money.

Mm-hmm. It's true romance meets godfather in this coming-of-age drama. Damn. Young, quote-unquote, Brandon Washington. Hey, his name is like your name. That's a fun coincidence. Shh. Ooh.

His name is like your name. That's a fun coincidence. Shh. Ooh. Young Brandon Washington is a choir boy high school senior who meets Kenea. Okay. An older woman who finds a seductive interest in him. Events intensify as Brandon discovers there's a bigger difference between them than just age.

Kenea happens to be the boss of the biggest organized gang syndicate in the city, maybe even the world. Oh, Jesus. Holy shit. I don't know. Okay. All right, so I'm picturing like a young Jonathan Taylor Thomas type character. That makes sense.

She has Brandon Washington and Cloris Leachman as Kenea. So significantly older woman then. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't older woman, then. Yeah. It doesn't say how much older. That's a fun direction to go in. All right. She's a fantastic actor. I think she could really pull it off.

Mrs. Leachman, are you trying to seduce me? Yes! When Kenea introduces her new young friend to the crime family, they take Brandon under their wings, showing him the luxurious side of organized crime. Brandon, being the only surviving relative of his elderly grandmother, struggles with the fact that he has hardly any family ties. How did that happen? Is this after the apocalypse?

Like, how did this happen? Grandma is tough, apparently. Fuck yeah. Grandma's like a cockroach. Because of this, he finds a bit of serenity and comfort in the bond this unlikely crime family offers him. Brandon's intrigue is soon met by influence. Is this impressionable? A man named Influence?

Yes, these are all capitalized. What's up, Brandon? My name's Influence. Hey, I'm intrigued. How you do it? As this impressionable young man slowly transforms from a choir boy to Al Capone. So he gets syphilis. Mm-hmm. Okay.

And there's been a prohibition of some sort. Does he actually transform, like, from a young black boy into an older Italian man? Yeah. I am Al Capone! I assume that's what influence does. Wow. Grayskull's got some cool powers these days.

Shit. However, the luxury is later combined with an equal amount of violence. As the inevitably evil side of organized crime raises its ugly head, Brandon forces himself to stick with it. As his love for Kenea grows, so does his love for his newfound family. In addition, the lure of the lifestyle itself has become addictive. Okay. So he likes the lifestyle itself has become addictive. Okay. So he likes

the lifestyle is luring him in. I've already changed the channel. Oh. Alright, well, you know, I think you need to skip your pitch a little bit more. Give me the story teaser. Tease me with the story, would ya? Okay, so here's the story teaser.

How I feel the film should be cast is, first I want the film to be an all-sag film. Oh, sure. As opposed to those non-sag films. Right. Well, they're called pornos. Okay. Therefore, I would like to pitch A, class actors,

and actress for the leading roles of Kenea and Brandon that I think fits their characters. Only one actress. Just one actress. We'll see how many actors we get. You're confused on how many demands you can make, but yeah, go on. These are non-negotiable.

Also, this is the teaser. If you want this story about boy meets girl. That's an important story to have. As a compromise, his non-negotiable demands are vague. Okay. Fair. The idea actress that I see for Kenea is

African-American, beautiful, petite, 4'11 to 5'2 in height, very bossy, street and book smart. Sophisticated and short-tempered. Or short-tempered. Short-tempered. So Queen Latifah. Yeah, I think she fits all of that. For Brandon, a young African-American teen that can sing like an angel.

Light skin, about 5'9", 10 in height, medium build, innocent that can quickly change into a beast with a zero tolerance of BS. So Jonathan Taylor Thomas. No. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Chris Takamari? We need an actor who can convey emotions.

Ah. That sounds tricky. Sing like an angel. Is this a musical? That'd be awesome I mean, there is the choir boy thing It's a shame to leave that on the table Oh, why did I rob that bag?

After establishing the, brackets, A, class actors and actresses I would then hold auditions for the other roles for SAG members only In a private location in Los Angeles, CA I don't know that you would do that. Okay. With breaking down this film in micro details, the expected budget is $27 million. Yep.

That's good. That's good. Now, I know that sounds like a lot of money, guys. It sounds like a specific amount of money for a movie without scenes. Yeah, it sounds like a lot of money. But, I mean, hold on. I'm glad that figure is no longer up your own ass.

Uh-huh. It was probably uncomfortable in there. Yeah, well, it's a big figure, so it was very uncomfortable up my ass. But when I pulled it out, you know, it was much more comfortable. But, again, I didn't just pull it out of my ass. Okay.

This $27 million goes someplace. This entails insurance, paying all actors, all locations. So paying the locations as well as the actors. Props, wardrobe, makeup, music, camera, crew, edit. That's all going to be one expense. We have a camera that's also our crew That also edits the thing A photographer I too need to pay my props

Craft slash catering service Trailers and Rap gathering for all talent And their families Yeah welcome to the rap gathering A rap gathering. Wow. Hello, fellas.

Is this the wrap gathering? Would you like to buy an expansion pack of Wrap the Gathering? Oh, dear. I strongly feel that this film will be marketed as a rated R suspenseful-slash-action motion picture, making it to box office. Okay, sure.

The film, The Lures, resembles Boys in the Hood, but on a more sophisticated... You changed the name of the movie just now! Where did the apostrophe come from? Maybe this is meant to be a glottal stop. Maybe he doesn't want to put the apostrophe in there. The Lures? The Lures? I think it's Elvish. Docklers? Docklers?

I think it's elvish. Oh, shit. Docklers? Oh, that's why he needs to sing. Yeah. This film, Docklers, resembles Boys in the Hood,

but on a more sophisticated and boss-type level. Oh, fuck. What in the world does that... Okay, never mind. The level where you get to the boss. starts blinking in red, yeah! What in the world is that? Okay, never mind. The level where you get to the boss. That means the film starts blinking in red, yeah.

Boys in the Hood was a West Coast film that was produced in 1990 and made box office and did really good. Wow! So therefore, every other movie will be, right? Of course! I hope you enjoyed my report on Boys in the Hood as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Doc Lurs is based off the New West Coast. Something ideally to American Gangsta, which is this film was imagined to be how mafias are ran on the East Coast. What the fuck? Doc Lurs reps the New West Coast

street hustling in a more organized and sophisticated way. Ran by a woman. Never seen in movies. It's spelled differently again there, because it's dollar-sises. A dollar-sises. Well, now it's click-on.

What's the time for? It's time for the West Coast to have another film. Yeah! Finally, someone needs to set a movie in California, dammit. I am fed up. Wait, wait, Brandon Glass? What was your movie called again?

It is called Doc L-E-R Dollar Time. In the synopsis of your movie, you've spelled it four different ways It became a background I really want to know what that stands for

Kumquat What? Kumquat? I mean Robert Knaurick Citizen of Apple Valley, Minnesota I need you to tell me about your really scary... It's a horror movie. It's scary.

Sorry, I should probably leave. I don't want to get scared. I think you should. It seems really scary. It's your movie, so you should be used to it by now, right? Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, what?

What's up? My name's Robert Knaurick. I'm from Apple Valley and I have elevator independent film pitch. Oh no! This is a script

about a modern torture chamber that is based out in New York City and spreads out... So all of the surfaces are black marble. Yes. Ooh. It's very minimalist.

Damn. Yeah. Nice. And spreads out to other big cities. Oh, shit, it's urban cancer! Wait, the torture chamber... Torture chamber based out in New York City. So it grows... Oh, it's Urban Cancer Wait the torture chamber Torture chamber based out of New York City So it grows Oh it's a franchise

It's made of nanobots Oh fuck Which includes a mad man Engineer That had domestic Terrorists involved with Advanced technology But that makes sense cause this this guy is making man-engineers,

right? Yeah. So, yeah, that's pretty advanced. I really like Don Draper. This also includes hard core special forces group to wipe out this group. This also includes Hardcore Special Forces Group.

What? To wipe out this group. What? Wow. To wipe themselves out? Is that on the box cover? Featuring Hardcore Special Forces Group to wipe out this group. These guys are so hard.

Only Hardcore Special Forces Groups can kill themselves. You guys never saw a hardcore special forces group play on the Bowery like at CBGB's? No, I missed that night. I heard it was awesome. It's basically rock and roll high school, but it's a elevator. Their engineer was

mad. Oh, how does the movie end? The good guys finally win. Oh, thank you. We don't even know what the plot is, but we know the good guys finally win. Oh, thank you. We don't even know what the plot is, but we know the good guys win. At times when they least expect it. Pardon? I don't expect to win this.

Oh shit, we're losing. Hey, we won. They win occasionally. This hard fought battle will forever change the course of history. Sure. So, Robert Knaurik, you seem to have run into some problems with Hellevator. I think maybe it was the funding or something.

So you added a comment to your pitch about a new movie idea you have. Hi, hi, hi, hi. Hi. Hi, folks. My name's still Robert Kna you have. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, folks. My name's still Robert Knaurek. It's... Right. It's November 26th, 2010. Okay.

Working on a lower-budget script. That's a good start. I give myself five stars. Oh, you... Oh, sure. Well, somebody's got to believe, I guess.

Sorry. Hellevator gets five stars. Right. Yeah. Hi, folks. Well, now I'm writing my script for a new Special Ed Bob movie. I'm Special Ed Bob. Special Ed Bob movie. I'm Special Ed Bob. Special Ed Bob.

It's just a remake of Forrest Gump. This is... Yay, that's good. This is simile-er to what Stallone did with Rocky in the sense that he was the main character. Oh, good. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen a couple movies

that just don't have main characters and they fucking suck. So I'm up for this movie. This is going to be awesome. This is similar to Rocky in that I will cast myself in the main role and I also cannot act.

The main role of special Ed Bob. Movie. also cannot act. The main role of special Ed Bob movie. This one is geared towards the lower budget side, so that's my latest update. Oh, awesome. How much is it going to cost? Lower.

Oh, okay. I don't know. Good. Okay. Acier. Oh, yeah? Your name is Ariful Eslam. Eslam.

Eslam. Yes. Eslam. Eslam. That's right. And you're Bangladeshi. And what do you got for us? Well, this movie is timeless. I think that's a joke, but no, that's the movie.

It's timeless. Okay, now. You're fucking precious. After the high school exam, Annie is spending routine boring time. Okay. We're getting right in there. Is this the Annie I'm thinking of? Yeah.

It stars little orphan Annie. Okay. Good. She's timeless. It might well be. Look. We haven't got time for all that other background stuff. Let's just get into here.

One day, she goes to a divot parlor to get some divots. Certainly. She finds a divot called Wizard of Time. And the manager alerts her, saying it is a very unusual movie. And whomever takes it out returns hysterical. Sure. Okay. Sure.

I'm with you. You still with me? I like it. Annie finds it intriguing and takes it. At home, when she is about to watch the the movie She finds a caution in the divot frontal Watch at your own risk For best results see at midnight Alone

Arifel I am hooked Yes Bring it I am yes Let me just wrap this down Here's the superfluous period Everything is going very atypical so far the movie begins at midnight it starts in the era of greek mythology when helen of troy is being abducted after that sequence a frame freezes completely stuck for a couple of minutes

okay and he thinks the divot got scrambled from a scratch, but everything in the frame keeps moving. It's not frozen. You said it was... The frame freezes, but the frame keeps moving. I'm just messing with you. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. I like that you're hitting inside my head. It's good.

Flipping that script, you know? Yeah. Okay, it's a night scene. There are fire. Flames are moving from torch That's pretty cool, right? She gets closer Hears some voices When she goes too much closer She puts her hand into the TIV

And gets into TIV's screen Imagine when Neo Kino Reeves was captured from the Matrix To real world in the first part I'm imagining it Was that how that happened? Yeah. I'm thinking more like Pleasantville, but okay. Well.

Well. Okay, that's just details. Do we have Don Knotts in this? She falls into the fence of Troy Arena. She sees a 4 to 3 ratio screen is being vanished in the middle of a sculpture

As if it was made for it Now what happens? I don't even know what's happened So I can't tell you I don't even know what happens Oh, hang on, hang on Okay, now we know what happens See, she meets a wizard named Maximus

Uh-huh, okay Which sounds kind of Roman to me But that details He makes gadgets and gizmos. So not a wizard. Well, whatever. Look, she's got the divot remote at hand.

When she presses next chapter, they find themselves in between Trojan War. She lost her remote in the middle of the battle. I'm getting excited here. They manage to hide. Max says the sculpture is full of mystical power Where's she come from Now starts Annie's journey With the help of Max

They discovers the remote She makes leaps in the history of time To find the gateway to her world Chapter after chapter She witnesses almost every major even Of the history The wars and independences of nations In a fast forward motion

But she fails to find the door which goes back to her time The wizard appears in many space of time With a different name He becomes her companion in many avatars After the era of independence of India The remote battery gets damaged Oh no Okay

But the wizard made a power booster But it misfires Skips lots of chapters of Divid Okay So your movie doesn't make sense And you're skipping parts of it Well yeah plus I thought it was going to give a really topical Overview of history

That wouldn't make any sense whatsoever Whatever It leads her to future in 25th century when machines control everything and an evil emperor rules the world. She finds the wizard once again. A futuristic intelligence

force of the emperor detects the remote control and Annie gets arrested. She is unfamiliar with the future technology so she can't do anything to escape. Also, Halle Berry plays five different roles. It's super awesome. Emperor gets to know that the remote is a key to time travel and orders to make a gateway to extract its technology. What?

The wizard rescues Annie They steal the remote and escape Lots of adventure happens After the entire journey After all that boring shit That's on the poster At climactic point when the movie will finish The divin will be stopped

But Annie doesn't belong here She will be stuck here too In the nick of time the wizard makes a digital time shift menu Attached with the remote the divin will be stopped. But Annie doesn't belong here. She will be stuck here, too. In the nick of time, the wizard makes a digital time shift menu attached with the remote, which triggers to the exact time of movie where she accidentally came into this world. Why did she have to watch it at midnight? Because...

That's when time begins. Oh, right. I forgot that's when time resets. Because that's when her DVD machine was blinking. Now, okay, when I am time traveling through my DVD player, should I account for daylight saving time? You should observe the time that is specific to your region. So if you're in one of the places that doesn't observe daylight savings time,

then you observe that time. Yeah. Just follow the laws in your principality. Of course, you're going to be changing different locales as time moves forward because, as you know, history really takes place in Greece and then in Rome and then in America. And then India. Yeah.

Epicenters of culture and civilization, yes. Well, you guys might think I'm done, but I've saved the best for last. Oh, good. She finally made the comeback to real world. Not a second passed in real time.

But guess what? Yay, the stakes are lowered for the end of the movie. But guess what? She is in love with the wizards after all the adventure's journey together. Wait, there's more than one of them? Yes. Okay.

But he is part of the movie. He is unreal. After some day when she is about to return the divid. Period. On the way, she stops into a local toy store and see a toy maker exhibiting amazing toys who exactly looks like the wizard. Yes, wizard in a way, in a sense of mythic and love.

Fucking fuck you. Now that's the end of this story and the beginning of another. See, I already got a sequel in there for you. I haven't written one movie, but I haven't written the sequel either. You look just like this guy who was in this movie that I fell into, and then I fell in love with him across time. Where are you going?

Hey, crazy girl sex is the best. Let's do it. Boots, we'll get to you in just a second but Kumquat found something Adam Wow You're from Brooklyn

and you got a movie for us What is it? It's called How to Have Sex with Two Women a Day Film Pitch How's it go? How to Have Sex with Two Women a day is a comedy about a young man named David who has trouble with the ladies. Okay. His older sister Cassandra is dating a player named Chase who helps David step up his dating game.

Cassandra challenges Chase to try to get her brother laid by not just one girl, but two girls in the same day before the end of summer. Then what? What happens next? Click here to post comment. Wait, do I have to write the next scene? You know, they get together, he has two sexes at the same time or whatever,

and then the movie ends. Hey, it sounds sexy. Two sexes at the same time. Two sexes, the Chase and the Cassandra. They sex when the David's not around. It's a good movie. Is there a conflict resolution? The conflict is he can't have sex with women.

Exactly. Well, you never have two women at the same time. They're always all the time. It's horrible. This conflict, this conflict. The beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Boots! Hi.

What is your movie called, Bobby Lit? I like that you've used your senior prom photo as your director. The way you rest your chin up on your thumb like that, it really makes you look dignified. As does your white tuxedo. That is a man who does not have a problem getting the two ladies. Yeah, okay. I got this movie. I got this movie.

It's so awesome. You guys are going to love it. What is it called? You guys are going to love the shit out of it. What is it called? Train Pain or YouTube Trains or Ghost Train. I don this movie. It's so awesome. You guys are going to love it. What is it called? You guys are going to love the shit out of it. It's called Train Pain or YouTube Trains or Ghost Train. They're all good. Which one do we choose?

I'm going with... Train Pain or YouTube Trains or Ghost Train. A man on a mission with a clear vision. That's a Survivor song right there. All right, so here's a pitch I got. I got you guys fucking, your balls are going to blow out of your pants when you hear this one. Ooh, I'm looking forward to that.

I hate those things. All right, okay. This story is all about an ex-train and tube driver that has hit a midlife crisis after doing the same job most of his career. I mean, that's what a career is. Wait, the train that used to be a train? Yeah. Yep. Yeah, he drives ex-trains.

He was a train that drove tubes. Right. Yeah, he drives ex-trains. Come on. It's easy. It's for all the ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. So you don't have to run into an express ticket to the X-train.

Woo! The lights become increasingly dimmer for him at this juncture in life because he gets sacked from this comfortable zone and complacent position. His career comes to a sudden dead end due to the fact that he has got a big problem

with controlling his drinking habits, and the reality is that he has an addiction to the bottle and is an alcoholic, living in complete denial. So it doesn't sound comfortable at all. Are your minds blown yet? Nope, not yet. Yes, because... My balls are fucking right up in where they should be, so...

All right. My pants need a new pair of ball holes in them. So let's blow these ball holes in my pants. Let's fucking do this. All right. Now, left to his own devices and plenty of time to kill, he decides to become a compulsive killer by integrating into the communal public transport rat race

and randomly kills innocent citizens by pushing them off the train slash tube platforms and sadistically crushes... Sorry, I'm getting so worked up here. Sadistically crushes their existence. He rewrites history! Holy fuck! Damn!

Okay, my balls are exploding. Can't keep up. You're dead! Also, you were never born, I guess! Oh my shit, my test are exploding. I'm dead! Also, you were never born, I guess! Oh my shit, my testicles! Cut it out, man! So he decides to become a compulsive killer, which... I think I'm just gonna

find a place where I can just kill and never stop. Integrating the communal public transport rat race. What? Just looking through the job ads and the paper signs. You know, I see myself in a human skin suit. Wanted mass murderer. Do you love shoving people?

He does all this successfully disguised as one of the many vagabonds living in the heart of the fast-paced city. And as the opportunity presents itself, he goes for the kill. I get it. Wait. That's not really a pun. This film will definitely keep you all at the edge of your seats. Okay. And your balls blasted out of your pants.

And it will be a total nail-biting thriller, frame by frame, with this innovative masterpiece. Oh, shit. Masterpiece. You're really ready to use that word on yourself, are you? Well, you've got to sell that movie. You can't just say,

oh, this movie sucks. Yeah, as soon as all you people see Train Pain or YouTube Trains or Ghost Train. Speaking of which, why was it called YouTube trains? Where does YouTube factor into this? I don't know. Will you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel? Or does it all end in tears for fears?

What? Take this broken corpse. I just killed that guy. It's more of a case of watch this space than mind the gap. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. I'm going places. I'm Bobby Lit.

Damn straight. Hey, Sierra. Hey, Sierra, I want to meet the Flystones. Okay. Created by Kenneth E. Walton. Downtown bedrock. Meet the Flystones. Love to. Okay. Created by Kenneth E. Walton. Downtown Bedrock. Meet the Flintstones. Kenneth E. Walton.

Love to. Yeah. Not the Flintstones. This is from another page. Downtown Bedrock. Meet the Flintstones. It's a hip-hop urban version of the Flintstones. Animated.

Oh, my God. Featuring African-American and Latino characters. Yeah, you heard me. Back from the Stone Age. Not the Flintstones. This is from another page. Yeah, I got an AOL account. I got a phone number.

And I got some comments. Holy fuck. Cool. When is this coming out? Great idea. Wow. You guys love my movie. I got five stars.

Five stars, bitches! I've always wanted to know what it's like when the Flintstones were black. It might be a dream I wish I had. Adam? Yeah? I feel like there's some lowest common denominator kind of, uh... Sure. Stuff for the plebeians, really.

Uh, tell me about Juggernaut Lonely, and if you'll start with the... A couple paragraphs down, this is a story of Primal. I'm gonna piss myself on the letter here. Yikes! This is Juggernaut Lonely by Keith Odette. Okay. You're from... Where are you from? I'm from Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California.

We understand how this works. I take pride in my neighborhood. This is a story of Primal in conflict with versus glamorous. Themes of love, sex, and death plays in a millius of Hollywood, celebrity, and money. Venice Beach and his boat in the Pacific Ocean. What? Uh-huh. Buddy is personified as the alter ego of our hero, dangerous like a vampire cowboy.

Is that a vampire cowboy or a vampire and then you're calling me a cowboy? It's like a vampire cowboy. Buddy is also a great white shark. And a major story player, ending in a deadly romantic climax watch film actress taryn manning in a double role as rising quote star actress and the quote pop star

and acting tour de force for miss manning delivering the roles of rival lover to the lead, K.O. What? Yup. With K.O.'s ex-past love, parentheses. You know, maybe it's a good idea to write scripts on peyote, but probably not write pitches on them. What? No, you're fine.

You're fine. Are you peeking yet? No, I'm almost there. Good. With K.O.'s ex-pastlove, parentheses, the likes of Dora Beard, Beard, in parentheses, hurt but loyal to him haunts in the story world. With young, hiding-next-door neighbor porn star Riley Steele from Piranha 3D in Digital Playground.

Jesus Christ. Wow. When handsome and seductive KO gets dumped on his boat at sunset while planning to ask his true love and in marriage

he is heartbroken. Devastated. Are your balls still in your pants or have they been blown out? My balls are just confused at this point. Yeah, that's the emotional journey your balls should be on. In Juggernaut Lonely. Juggernaut on. In Juggernaut Lonely. Juggernaut Lonely. Juggernaut Lonely.

Colon, an emotional journey for your balls. Spiral into his sad, mad world of sex and pain. Cut to flashes and video scenes from ScaredCherry.com and original Voyeur Thriller web series. Oh. Alright. But K.O. wants his true love back.

Well, love at any cost. Pretty people will die. Oh no. Babies will be conceived. Sex will be had, like it or not I tell that to my wife all the time Probably the creepiest sentence I've ever said in my life Sex will be had like it or not

And a 15 foot great white shark Will eat bloody flesh Hopefully in the same scene Yep, I'm peaking now Whack, circle, eat bloody flesh. Hopefully in the same scene. Mm-hmm. Oh. Yep, I'm peaking now. I bet. This is the peak of your life, actually.

Yep. But, love, quote-unquote, wins. Maybe those are scare quotes. So what do you guys think of my movie, Juggernaut Lonely? So, Mr. Soderbergh, the studio has sent the script in. I'm not sure you've thought this through, but I bet you can make it good. Wow. Okay, so Kumquat is about to read something

from a link. Link is an independent film pitch. Now, Kumquat has not yet seen this link, so I'm going to give it to him, at which point there's probably going to be a little bit of laughing, because everyone's going to be looking at the photo of

the pitch man. Nope. And I'll just tell the listener that they're about to see a photo that says, I've produced a lot of pornography. Okay, sending link now. Don't go back to juggernaut lonely. Less scary. Before we begin, tell us where you're from.

You girls want to be in my movie. Oh my shit. Hello. My name is... Hey John. Hey John Vincent Mingo. Vincent Mingo. What's your movie called?

I don't care. I'm from Besserly Hills. Shit. Besserly Hills. Man, the way you're leaning on that elbow, you're one scary mofo. The caption of my photo is John Vincent Mingo, producer David Holzman. That's my full name. Sure.

Man, your parents must have been forward-thinking to give you producer as a middle name. That's so funny because my confirmation name is also Mingo. Awesome Catholic humor. The new Nostradamus John Vincent Mingo is the Da Vinci Code meets an inconvenient truth meets

the soloist in real life. Wow. Except in a movie. Wow, okay. So, so, the planet's overheating, except in a movie. Wow, okay. Okay, so... So...

The planet's overheating and we have to solve paintings that are on puzzles that are behind... Oh, God. Okay. Also, a character gets up on a scissor lift. Right. And then the things that happen in the

soloist happen as well. Yeah, and he also has gross raven feet. Fair enough. In an old, run-down hospice in downtown Los Angeles, an unknown, unpublished, homeless writer passed away at age 60

from cancer with his only friend in the world by his side. As John Vincent Mingo lay on his deathbed, artist-slash-filmmaker David Holzman made an oath that his friend would not die in vain, that he would publish the book that will save America. Wait, good. Okay, good.

Are we getting the backstory to the pitch Not the story itself? Yeah Man, I'm not One day I walked into a guy's office And decided to annoy him So is this guy, is he writing Is this like the house of leaves

Of pitches? Because I thought this was by John Vincent Mingo But apparently he's dead There's three different narrators This podcast has had because I thought this was by John Vincent Mingo, but apparently he's dead. There's three different narrators. This podcast has had as many House of Leaves references as it's had Black No Diggity. Let me just say, there's going to be a whole shitload of footnotes later.

I think Black Street John Guar crossover fiction is really what it's called for here. I think Black Street, John Guar crossover fiction is really what it's called for here. John Vincent Mingo is the Nostradamus of our time. He died. Yeah. And mostly he just wrote crappy poetry that made no sense whatsoever. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. And David Holzman is the guy who believed, apparently, the crazy homeless man who said he was Nostradamus.

Yes. It's being produced by the guy who fell for the crazy homeless guy's pitch. As a writer, he's like Hemingway with a Steinbeck twist. Do not order that drink. Do not order that drink. Do not order that drink. Disgusting. It's just for hypnol. Oh, God.

His book, New Capitalism, is the answer to our economy problems. Oh, just the economy problems? I'm sure there's more. John's four other unpublished novels are compelling, cautionary works as well. Well, that's a relief. map to our salvation or our destruction if we do not come address the capitalistic world in which we live. Star, star, star, star, star.

And then after your pitch you have text that's three times as long as your pitch where you talk about yourself. I assumed this was still part of the pitch. No, no, it's just explaining yourself. No, you're talking about the dead guy.

John Vincent Mingo. Yes. Me. That is me. I am the dead guy. Me. Wait, yeah, that's... Wait.

Oh, wait, so... Okay, the pitch included... Oh! Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. It's really confusing. Because clearly David Holtzman and John Taylor Thomas, or whatever his name is,

are the same guy. It's very, very, very confusing. So we're going to move away from that. He's got some URLs listed. For more information on David Holzman, log on to www.myspace.com slash echo beach diary. So I did.

Sorry, the profile of Echo Beach Diary is only viewable by friends. Well, then get a friend. Oh, I'm sorry. Double zero the band. This whole thing's a ploy to get more MySpace friends. Okay, I got a horror movie for y'all. All right.

It is called The House on Halloween Hill. I know you guys like houses. That sounds great. I know you guys like hills. And I know you guys know that The house On Haunted Hill is already made Maybe I need to take the elevator up the hill That's true

The house on Haunted Hill By Muffin Shit, Victor Laszlo All of the trick-or-treaters avoided the house on Halloween Hill. Oh, I think I said Haunted Hill last time. Sorry. Halloween Hill. Oh, it works.

The house on Halloween Hill. All of the trick-or-treaters avoided the house on Halloween Hill. The owners were really scary and only ever came out at night. Oh, that's really scary. The last place you want to go on Halloween. It started when a boy named Josh and his girlfriend were ghost busting. Oh, no.

Like you do. Those are particle accelerators on their back. That's not safe. Those are particle accelerators on their back. That's not safe. Josh's girlfriend dared him to go up to the house. So off he went up the hill. Oh, no.

The owners had gone out for their midnight shopping. They spoke a lot of pot. That's really scary. They might have gotten, like, you know, black. A lot of Mars bars. Yeah. Apparently they wanted their candy

really cheap. He went down the stairs to the basement and just as he got to the bottom, he heard the front door open.

The front door is in the basement? I'm not sure. Okay. He hid in one of the boxes. He heard footsteps on the stairs.

He opened the lid slightly and saw the woman open a fridge and take out a bottle of blood! Oh my god! She then went up the stairs and closed the door. Oh my god! Out of the box! That part's scary too, don't worry about it. It's totally scary.

Okay, he got out of the box. He was hiding in and turned to look at it. To his horror, there in front of him were two coffins. Oh, no! Before long, he heard them again. The coffins? Yeah, the scary coffins, man. Josh froze in shock.

I went to. He had to hide, but he could not move. The door opened, and in walked the owners. They saw Josh straight away. They grabbed him. He screamed. Josh was never seen again. The end.

Just then an ending popped out. And then he saw his dad with a cube of meat missing from his torso. As a tip to all the fellas out there, if a girl says she wants to go ghostbusting, this is the sort of thing that will happen, is two vampires will murder you. Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so, oh, because I thought, yeah, yeah. Okay, so... Oh, because I thought that was like a sex thing, you know? Yeah. Like to ghost bust with a girl? Lemon's right. It is a sexual thing. But the problem with Josh here is that he wasn't careful not to cross the streams. Okay.

Boots. That would cause a total protonic reversal you idiot Fuck you Boots Yes You got a story about a You got a film about a monkey Of course I do

Oh no Does it have a mom? Yeah it does. Just take, I think, probably just the first paragraph. I'm Stephanie Harris. Okay. Hi, Stephanie. Do you know a monkey with an apartment?

Oh, sorry, that's the name of my book. Do you know a monkey with an apartment? No. Are you looking across someplace? Okay. I admit I don't. Yeah. Uh, yeah.

The name of my book, the name of my book, the name of my film is Do You Know a Monkey with an Apartment? And I'm going to start my pitch. Okay.

Do you know a monkey with an apartment? Nope. No. No. Why do you keep asking me that, goddammit?

All right. This is a story about a monkey named Mac that is also raised as a human and forced to be sent back to Africa. He loves meeting his family, but he hates living there. He comes back to America in search of his owner, Julie. Julie hides him for a year and is forced to send him away again. But this time she creates a new scientific experiment allowing him in his own

apartment in the zoo. His own apartment in the zoo? Those are called cages. She created a new scientific experiment called architecture. Right, people come to the zoo and then they see a concrete wall that has a window

where a monkey does not look out. Mac meets three boys while in the zoo named Snack, Pack, and Stack. Oh. They become his best friends. They help him escape. Meanwhile, the boys build a go-kart, and so do some girls from school, and they race against some bad boys at school. Who won a go-kart?

Oh, no. Maybe it's a question. Who won a go-kart? Who won a go-kart? Oh no. Who won a go-kart? Who won a go-kart? I don't know. All three groups hitting something while riding their go-karts. That could have been very dangerous. A goofy police is now looking for them.

But his priorities are out of order. He should be looking for who did it. But instead, he's obsessing with looking for the monkey, which he believes the kids are hiding him. What the hell are you talking about, Stephanie? I'm glad that's not just me, because I was feeling drunk and realized I hadn't drunk anything.

There's a monkey and he's got an apartment and these boys go-kart. Oh, yeah. And then, like, they get a cart and they steal a monkey. I'm sorry, I passed out for a second. Where was I again?

I don't know, but you seem to be in the parking lot. I think security ushered you out. And the boys steal the monkey. Oh, I remember where I was. I was at the end. Right. Meanwhile, a disc is missing, and Mac is threatened to be sent back to Africa unless the disc

can be found. The disc is so important. The army is involved. A spaceship is involved. A flying zebra is involved. And a scientist is locked up. Take that, science. Alright, let me give you the highlights. Spaceship. No, those are, let me give you the highlights. Spaceship. No, those are the highlights.

These are the highlights. Oh, okay. Mac gets in a fight with Jamal. Who's Jamal? Mac wears a mysterious watch. The animals teach the bad boys a lesson. A party is held for Mac. Yay.

Oh, there is more. I'm sure there is. That's my favorite highlight. There's more. Also, you should buy my book. People I'm giving this pitch to. What's your book called? The Wonders of Monkey Mac.

Yay. Yay. Oh, wow. Okay, Acier. Acier, oui, c'est moi. I'm sorry, Tico Crow. Tico Crow. Tico Crow.

You're handsome, and you look like a Renzolamas. Hello. I am very handsome, man. Hey, John Romero. Why don't you come visit me at my mother's spare room? Oh, yes. Come visit me. There's two of us and a double bed.

My eyes, they smolder so you can see the smoldering. I play through Gabriel Knight in one sitting. My eyes burn with no red eye protection. I smolder with unshaven lust for you, my cupcake. All right, all right. Tell me about your movie, Tico Crow. Burning wind, independence film. 80s rock and roll through the eyes of Gunnar Jackson.

Gunnar, Gunnar arrives at 80s Hollywood. He's the scariest French vampire. Gunnar arrives at 80s Hollywood. Soon finds himself entangled. Because he was doing W's for V's. I assumed it was Russian. I don't care. Whatever.

Shut up. And soon finds himself entangled in the club scenes underworld. Refusing a deal with Lucifer, he takes all scratch out of the universal key, obtaining power and wealth beyond his wildest dreams. Satan being thrown out into the Iraq desert, formerly known as the Garden of Eden, eventually finds his way back to Gunnar.

The two conflict several times, then in the final culmination, Lucifer is subdued and taken of it. They conflict several times. Subdued tricks the devil in Act One. Yeah. It's a tale of revenge

from Satan's perspective. Finally. The devil gets his due. Okay. Much better title. I have some very Finally The devil gets his due Okay Much better title I have some very important Explanations here It should put everything in context for you

Now the non-supernatural events Actually took place as I was A Hollywood rat in the 80s Even my LSD hallucinations Were used for a lot of the supernatural Scenarios No Even my NSD hallucinations were used for a lot of the supernatural scenarios No I refuse to deal from the devil, man

That's why I'm not a Hollywood Walk of Fame right now By the way, here's a secret, I'm taking drugs This script is an enjoyable read that has received nothing but rave reviews It's because I think they're all too scared of me, but whatever. It reviews people who have given it a rave. The second act reveals how cool the back

of a spoon looks if you look at it the right way. Here's the drag. The drag is no one who's even look at it in the industry. They are too busy.

The problem.'s a problem. Totally a problem. That sucks. Just fucking sucks. Well, my industry, roofing, is not busy. You misspelled roofying. My English is not so good.

So, I am making plans to shoot a scrub myself. Got a bug? Want to plant it and grow a miniature money shrub? This will do it. I'm not in the business of growing miniature money shrubs, asshole. I am growing mighty money oaks. When is somebody going to blow my balls off? Sorry we got you so pumped up for that. Oh, damn it.

All right. Got a little bit more here. Come what. Oh, no. Come what. Once again, we have to make a deal where you are going to choose one of these items. The other one is going to be cast into the abyss, never to be read. Kumquat, which of these two pieces of material would you like to read? Tibby, a cartoon to help preteen girls, or Dreams with a Z?

Dreams with a Z. Dreams with a Z. Okay. I believe that's a Dreams with a Z, sir. It is, actually. Dreams. Independent film. By Mike Dolan.

Bolton, UK. I don't know why the Photoshop version 4 logo needs to be used as your movie pitch, but whatever. It was a little bit extra on the side so you can tell it's a screen cam. A Photoshop version 4 logo needs to be used as your movie pitch, but whatever. With a little bit of extra on the side so you can tell it's a screen cam. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey. My name is Mike Dolan.

Hi, Mike. I'm really excited about Dreams with a Z. I really love it when people substitute the Z for an S thing. It just instantly gets my attention. It gives it a modern touch. I'm really creative. The basic concept evolves in the dimension of reality and dreams. The concept opens on a person getting ready for bed, winding down, chilling out, getting themselves a warm drink, and crawling into a huge bed, reading a book as they begin to drowse.

Sleep overtakes them. Then the stories start. Wow. A man sleeps! That was opening paragraph. The clincher. The one that's going to explode our balls is a man gets ready for bed. How do dreams start?

They start by going to sleep. Well, I guess everything has to have a start. Alright, I'm being overly judgmental. Please carry on. The concept can either be a single film or various films showing different stories ranging from nightmares to science fiction

to spiritual to living an alternative life in another dimension which is real? Oh. I don't know, you fucking make it So your concept is a movie Or various movies Or various movies Which all involve a guy going to bed

Okay, well it probably has A very unified theme to it Let's hear what else he has to say These dream sort of things Can be a vision for somebody who has a very clear focus. I'm very sleepy. Okay. With 30 years experience in art direction, creative direction, special effects, anime-ion,

both 2D and 3D, this creative proposal has global potential. I have dual nationality with the U.S. and U.K. and will be available to discuss over the year in both countries. Okay, maybe I was wrong. All rights reserved. Mike Dolan, M.C. S.C.D.

What are you even copywriting? You didn't give us anything. There should be a movie about a dream. I'm good at Photoshop. Copyright me. I'm suing Robin Williams. I like the twist at the end that he's a dentist. Boots.

Hi. Tell me about the Tengu independent film pitch. Good. Yes. Tell me about the Tango independent film pitch Good, yes Hey guys, I'm Bruce McKay And I'm going to tell you about the Tango Sorry, I don't know what I'm going to tell you about You'll figure it out someday

I'll figure it out I think I got it I just got to adjust my volume Because I'm clipping like crazy right now. That doesn't stop me! I've noticed. I'm Bruce McKay, and I'm going to tell you about the Tengu independent film pitch. All right.

Okay. I'm drinking. Tengu independent film. Once every century, the gods of the bird people return to the Holy Land and walk among the children As the clan struggle for dominance, Kizar of the Hawks must outwit his overlords

the Eagles and survive the treachery of the Owl Clan if used to become the next steward of the Holy Land What the hell? In this world there are neither birds nor humans, just bird people. This story is situated in what we call San Francisco. They call it the Holy Land. Home as it is to you.

How do you feel about this, Kumquats Up? I feel full of holes. That is my goal. Home as it is to several bird deities from the human tradition. Garuda, Thoth, the Thunderbird, the Phoenix, and many more. Okay. Based on a graphic novel by Bruce McKay. Serious investors with an animation background welcome.

Somebody needs to read that comment. Hey, sir. Oh, sorry. I found something really odd. I got to share. All right. Somebody else. Adam.

Tolkien like birds? Wait. Are you trying to say Tolkien or Tolkien? Tolkien like birds? Tolkien. Tolkien like birds? Oh, you say Tolkien. Okay.

Hey, bro, you Tolkien? Tolkien like birds Tolkien like birds Hey bro you Tolkien Tolkien like birds I was Tolkien like birds Just keep going Welcome to the F plus Tolkien like birds Tolkien like birds

Tolkien like birds I would love to see this film once it gets made I'm sure that it would reach a wide audience. Please post more drawings. I've just posted a drawing. Is it Tolkien-like birds? It is Tolkien-like birds. It's all birds.

Except, no, come on, look. They're not birds and they're not people. They're bird people. That's the graphic novel? Yes, that's the graphic novel. Sounds like Tolkien like birds. Do you guys like to laugh? Yes.

Do you guys like to laugh? Yes. Okay. My name is Dexter Livingstone. This is my movie called Radio And Okay let me just Let me just break it down

Cause it's a little kooky You're gonna love it Okay Radio is a zany film about a non-profit radio station Hamming it up in Vancouver Canada Fuck you get out of my office Okay Well Can I leave a business card?

Nope. Okay. Holy moly, this pitch. Just get out. Well, I thought you liked to laugh. Well, okay, look. I like

to laugh. Well, who are you? What are you doing in a spying's office? I'm the janitor. You can tell me, though. Are y'all hiring? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're definitely hiring. Here's the mop. Come on, tell me about this thing.

No, I can't. This kicked me out of his office. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I'm committed to that. We, yeah. All right, you got, you got, you got any aliens in that movie? Because I hear aliens are pretty good, pretty cool. Okay, well, let me tell you about... Tell you after...

Just tell you. Yeah, you tell me. Us janitors will make our own janitor movie. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Okay. See, an alien crash lands in the middle of a park in Vancouver, wedges a ship into an

old gold mine shaft. In a park? Out of luck and spare parts. He configures his drive to spit out $100 bills. That solves the luck part. And the cash for spare parts parts as well. Oh, fuck yeah. Spare parts parts.

I typed that into my word processor. So wait, Boots Acer, are Canadian $100 bills made out of solid gold? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I know that they're all weird colors, but I didn't know that once they got to that level Made out of Solid gold Yeah Yeah Okay I know that they're all Weird colors But I didn't know

That once they got to That level of Of denomination That they actually Start getting made out Of precious metal Oh shit yeah That's the only way

You know they're valuable Yeah Yeah I guess that's why The dollars are so devalued Yeah that's why That's why the dollars Are worth more than ours

Yeah but I gotta tell you It's a pain in the ass Carrying around A big block of cash. It's really heavy. Do they have to use a marker and a mark to see which ones the aliens had made as, you know, like it's the counterfeit marker? Yeah. Is it counterfeit gold marker?

We have such a problem with aliens crashing into parks all the time, man. Well, with your many gold mines in your parks. Well. It's a wonder this doesn't happen more often. Yeah, you know, when you go to a fancy restaurant, they put a Canadian $100 bill on your dessert that you're supposed to eat.

Trump! Canada! So, uh, so this movie's about the radio, right? Uh, yeah And then it talks about aliens And then Okay, when I casted the film I started looking for script writers And found out something profound

Script writers can write Holy fuck That's what I found out My balls just exploded again. Well, dig it back up there. You're gonna need them. Oh, shit. Okay, okay. Alright. Okay, that means they're intelligent?

That's how I would describe scriptwriters. Every scriptwriter I've met, I've always thought to myself, that's an intelligent person. Oh, yeah? Come on. Okay, and they may also harbor a real desire and talent to act. Well, that's true. Two of the four main characters applied as scriptwriters, and bang!

I found the psycho manager host and the lead female reporter for the show. Awesome. The setting is a radio station in a large ethnic area. This spites things up a bit because it taps into the indie film market as well as the science fiction fringe market and

the conspiracy fringe market. Science Files crossed with Frasier crossed with an Indian morality flick. Oh, you got this figured out. Holy fuck. Honestly, you got this figured out. Holy fuck. Honestly, Niles. It's really three audiences that just have never been brought together until now. That's how you do it.

That's how you do it. Radio is being prepared and screenwritten as 10-year-old life cycle, 560 episodes, soap. Wait, so it's like the movie. What? It's like the show Soap now, too? Ugh. Oh, what?

So they want to, so they think that this thing is going to be on for 10 years as a soap opera? Mm-hmm. Yeah, and there's like an alien, and he crashes into a gold mine, and there's like, what? This is an alien. He's just crash landed on the planet. It's all just 40 minute scenes of just aliens breaking up with each other. Okay, well, I am sorry to say this, but most investors don't actually deserve this kind of opportunity. I'll say it. I'll say it out loud. I don't give a fuck.

We are really seeking only one type of investor. The ideological investor. You spelled idiotic wrong. That means the investor who does not want to return

on his investment. We're only looking for one type of investor. Suckers. This investor would really believe that ideas, capital and ideals, can really change the world. That voice is hard to scream in. Seriously, we can touch on a lot of tough stuff, like ethnic treatment of women as chattel I can promise you that has never been covered in popular fiction

ethnic treatment of women as chattel is he accusing black people of treating women as chattel as chattel I don't know probably Puerto Ricans too cause that's pretty fucking out there also public chettle. Probably Puerto Ricans too. Because that's pretty fucking out there.

Also, political psychopaths sheer in the sheep. I think I'm in New Zealand now. And corruption in big business and government. Okay, so if you're back in this film and back in the soap with the show Soap, we're bringing that back now.

And we do want you to be in on both. You have to be as pissed as we are as what is happening in this world. Oh, man, I'm furious about politics and shit. So we'll have to prove that on your taxes, your piss level. If you could just piss on your checks, that should take care of the whole thing. Yeah, sounds good.

Alright, let's, what are you seeking? Oh, uh, shit. Uh, oh god, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm seeking 2.53 to 3 mililiters. Oh, apparently that's a million dollars.

I just assumed that was like a millimeter. Okay, yeah. Milliliters of money. So I'm seeking between 2.5 and 3 milliliters of money for the film and 0.75 millimeters of money a year operating budget for the soap. Wait. Yep. What?

Wait for what? What do I have to wait for? That's how much he spends on soap every year. I want to work forever. Can I work forever? Forever? Massive domestic and foreign appeal propel the film into the $100 million arena, somewhere around there,

and the soap into the $250 million arena with associated advertisement. And then payback is three-fourths of the net for 24 months from the release of the film, and for 10 years for the soap. Wait. Yep. What?

Okay, he wants .75 million a year for the soap. Correct. Yep. So, if Soap Opera is like 5 of them a week, that's like 200 episodes. That's about $3,000 an episode. Right.

Just for the operating budget. Okay. Please visit my website at tvetogo.com which is not online and get more information. Thank God. Wow. Honey, I'm just

beating my head against the wall. Nobody wants to produce my movie slash 10-year soap opera film. I think I just give up on Hollywood, honey. I've proven I've wrote a post on the internet. What more do I need to do? The ghost of Huell Hauser is haunting us. I know.

Now, this movie here... What y'all making here? A movie or a soap opera? Balls? This was a soap opera that was a movie before the soap opera? Wow, your Huell Hauser is totally better than mine. I stand on the soldiers of giants. I found his book. He'll have it totally better than mine. Alright, I think we should wrap it up here. I found his book.

I found a reference to his book. And that's something awful, Link. I found his Twitter. That Twitter is amazing. Citrus, I'm pretty sure you need to read that. Actually, Adam, just read that in the Healhauser voice. The digital universe is our oyster. If you want to shuck with us, bring some dough for the batter.

The pearls are the prize. Wow, that's a consistent metaphor. It takes someone special to lose themselves in their own metaphor on Twitter. 140 characters. That's all you get. A man is an artist. I gotta carry this oyster metaphor through 140 characters?

It's pretty challenging, isn't it? Oysters, oysters, oysters, bread! Fuck! Right. And that's a wrap. Cut. Oh. Sometimes I think I won't make it Playing rock and roll bands

Sometimes I want to be a picture director I'm trying to make the world understand. By making movie movies. By making movie movies. By making movie movies. And there we go. Right about an hour of movies Gerard Butler could ruin. Boots, what did you learn this week?

I'm going to state this as a fact. This site is less effective than AHA. Oh, wow. That is bold. Okay. Yeah. Here's my proof. When we did the AHA episode, people may remember that there was a subject in that called, I

believe it was Doggy Boogie. Doggy Boogie. That's correct. Doggy Boogie. That got made into a movie. Yeah. That was an actual movie. That was a thing that existed.

Correct. You can, I guess, buy it online. It's called Doggie B online, if you're interested. Right. You can go to the guy's YouTube channel and realize just how creepy he is. Right. And that's a thing that happened. There was an idea that came to fruition.

None of these will. Not one of them. Wait, what about the movie made by the 14-year-old? Nope. Like, it's got youthful energy. No? Well, you know, that might get him somewhere, but that's not going to give him a film. Yeah, it's interesting because, like, this site has no purpose.

It has no purpose at all. There's no reason for it to exist other than to be mocked. Because, like, there's no funding to it. Like, there's no, I don't know, groundswell of interest. There's nothing these film proposals are doing other than existing on a website. There's no reason why, if you had a film

idea, you would enter it into this website. There's no reason you would go to this website other than if you're us, or if, I guess, you want to steal. If you've got a shitty idea that you want to write down on the internet somewhere for prosperity. Pity, prosperity, prosperity and posterity. Really? Yeah. Our thanks to Cheapskates, Race Ridiculism winner Cheapskates for putting this episode together.

He also gave us a thing called Agent Action, which was lovely, but I just didn't think the film fit in with the film proposals. But very, very fun. And he can be found on THEFPL.us as well as his own channel. And also come to our forum. Oh, my God. Where are the forums? Where are those?

Those are at BALLP. Oh, my God. Where are the forums? Where are those? Those are at B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. Holy shit. And tell us what your best idea for a film is, and we'll mock you endlessly. That sounds great. Hey, Boots, if I'm on B-A-L-L-P dot I-T and I see a post that I really like, what do I do about it? You can sign up. You can pay the $10 fee to help us maintain our podcast.IT. And I see a post that I really like. What do I do about it? You can sign up. You can pay the $10 fee to help us maintain our podcast. Yeah.

And you can reply with your own mockery of said post. That sounds great. I'm going to go do it right now. Awesome. I'm somebody else's bitch. You are. All right. Goodbye.

Oh. Bye. All right, goodbye. Oh. I'm trying to think of an appropriate voice for this. Great Scott. Well, obviously a British accent. Come on. I haven't done this. Oh, God. Bring a British accent. Come on. I haven't done this. Oh, God.

Bring the British accent. Okay. I'm UK, England, London, Hackney. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. I don't know. Cuckoo, cuckoo, Jenny.

That's enough UK accent out of that. Come on, London. That's a Hackney accent.