The F Plus - 105: The Only Thing I Know Is That I Am An Expert In Everything

Episode Date: July 15, 2013

From the very beginning, the Internet was created as a method of transferring useful, verifiable, and well sourced information from one place to another. Then some other guys showed up and said "Free information? There's no money in that!", and thus our lives were forever changed by the ASP.NET framework. But when it comes to monetizing expertise, no website charges as much while supplying as little as LivePerson.com: A multi-million dollar website where morons sell information they don't have to suckers who don't know they don't have it. This week, The F Plus is reading strategy guides to this year's Christmas Games.

If that wasn't enough, I can actually help explain seemingly non-Christian subjects in a Christian way. Ghosts, for example. There you go. What? Girl, I like the way you move that thing. Must be professional. Girl, I like the way you move that thing Must be profession now

One for the chicks hella thick Two for the broads going hard Three for my dimes on they grind Four for my independent women, let's go Hi there, this is the F Plus Podcast, Terrible Things, Red With Enthusiasm My name's Lemon And I'm Jack Chick And Jack, how are you doing this week? Hi there, this is the F Plus Podcast, Terrible Things, Red With Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm Jack Chick.

And Jack, how are you doing this week? I'm not so good, to be honest, Lemon. I'm sorry to hear that. What's wrong? Well, you know, I've been unemployed, actually, recently. I've been looking for a job for weeks now, and there's just not a lot out there. It's, you know, the economy. So, I mean So I was wondering, maybe I always turn to the internet for solutions,

and I was wondering, do we have any sort of resources to improve my resume or how to search for jobs or cover letters or something like that? Boy, I have actually got you covered on both sides. Fantastic. I'm assuming you're saying unemployed, but that's unemployed

by San Francisco standards, so you probably still have a lot of disposable income, right? Yeah, no, exactly. Okay, good. I'm well off for a long period of time, don't worry. Right, so there are people who want to take your money

and provide their expertise. Now, they are experts in so many things. You can find experts in programming. You can find experts in video games. You can find experts in masturbation. Well, I do need help with that. Attaining your Godhead. Well, I do need help with that Attaining your godhead

All of these things There are experts Available to you for fees Oh, I can pay them You can pay them for their expertise And here's the great part Now, eventually you're going to be Financially destitute from using the services

Of all of these experts But at that point, you yourself can become an expert because you do not need any credentials whatsoever. So maybe I should just do that right off the bat. Sure. I mean, you know, whatever. We're going to find out exactly what's involved with these people and how much expertise they have to give you. We're going to learn so very much.

Readers, assemble! In the rooms tonight, we have Jack Chick. I am related to musicians Freddie Hart and Jamie Johnson. Nutshell Gulag. Animals are natural Zen masters, little Buddhas that never lost the ability to play and be blissfully happy. So much we can learn from our pets. Stog! My poetry is heart-touching, imaginative, and

mesmerizing. $50 per poem. Boots, rain gear. Creative ideas and solutions in the field of 2D and 3D graphic design. I am not Santa Claus, though. And lemon. I've also learned that there is much to learn from YouTube comments. Good God.

Must be professional. Must be professional. No, no. Be professional. No, no. You must be professional. How's it going tonight, guys? Good. Great. Okay. tonight, guys? Good.

Great. Okay. Are you guys, like, achieving all of your goals? Yes. Yeah. Some of them. No. Okay. Well, there's...

Doing, like, 50-50. I can help you with that, actually. Okay. Yay! Because there is a site called LivePerson where you can get experts on anything to help you with your problems. Oh, boy. There is a nominal per minute fee that changes with each expert. But it is worth it because you want to learn about the important things in your life, you know, like computer skills or math skills or maybe dildos.

Let's start with dildos. Hey, Jack Chick. Hello. Will you tell me about your expertise in dildos? All righty. Hi, guys. I'm Adult Toy Expert. Let me help you pick out a special gift to spice up your relationship or something just for you.

Okay. So what services can you provide? All right. So a service... Well, do you want to know what my degree is? Oh, yeah, I would. I would like to know that. Okay.

So I have a certification in teaching and a business owner. But not in dildos. She has a certification in a business owner. But not in dildos. She has a certification in a business owner. Yes, she does. My expert service. Are looking for yourself or your partner. Roleplaying, exploring together.

Needing to spice up your marriage a bit. Questions about fantasies for you and your partner. Learning more about your own sexuality. Well, after looking at your profile photo, I think I might be gay. Okay. Do you need capital H help with approaching your partner about trying something new?

I am here to help. Yay! Yay! I am an inner... How often should I have butt sex with my girlfriend? Guys, guys, I am here to help. I am an owner of an adult novelties web store. Yay! There is so much out there we will find out is going to work the best for you and your partner.

What are your qualifications? I am owner of an adult novelties web store. I have written many articles on many different adult toys available. I also have written articles on sexual health.

I look forward to helping you find your special toy that will bring you and your partner all sorts of pleasure. Also help you with any questions you have. Don't be shy! So when you talk about roleplay, do you mean like dinner rolls? Yes. No, no, dice rolls.

No, I think that's dinner rolls. Oh, okay. Do I have to draw faces on the dinner rolls? Sexy dinner roll play. Yes. All right. So, okay. So, sort of an internet dildo personal shopper.

What would you pay? Anyone? You mean, what did I pay? Because I can look this shit up on Google. What would you pay for the service? I would pay top dollar. I mean, this is worth at least. What would you pay for the service? I would pay top dollar. I mean, this is worth at least... Well, tell me how much you charge, adult toy expert.

I charge... Well, it depends, actually. There's two tiers. Good. So the first tier is $1 per minute of time spent. Right. Okay. And then there's

$5 for basic questions and then $10 for questions in need of a lot research. So you're at least spending like $200 on this. You guys are laughing. Right, yes. You guys are laughing about this. But my name is CR21.

Tell me about yourself. I think Yes. You guys are laughing about this, but my name is CR21. Okay. Tell me about yourself. And, yeah, I think really, really helpful. Good. That was a five-star review there, CR21. Yeah. Now, what I really like is that there's four reviews here from two people. Yep.

And they're all on different days, like, well, this dildo is pretty good. Let me go back to the dildo expert and get another one. Well, that's the service she provides. Like, her service, you know, it's like the old Cadillac salesman motto. You don't sell a man one dildo. Yeah, it's totally not a run for an adult webcam thing.

How do I get more rare dildo drops? Anyway, so, Boots. Time to split roles here. Would you prefer to be, and this is you get one role, I get the other. This is going to be a tough choice. Would you prefer to be Chi Mike or Dr. Orgasm?

This is not even a question choice. I love these non-questions. Of course I'm Dr. Orgasm. Well, that's fine. I like Chi Mike anyway, so I'm taking Chi Mike. But first, tell me about yourself, Dr. Orgasm. What are you an expert in?

My name is Dr. Orgasm. I'm an expert in sex therapy. You are sexy looking. What a wonderful profile photo. Want to know what my rating is? Yeah, what is your rating? New. Yay!

You're new to orgasms. Yeah, even though this document's been around for like a month now, I'm new. I provide instructional counseling for erectile dysfunction and difficulties with female orgasm. I help individuals and couples achieve optimum

sexual pleasure. Okay. Uh, what expert service do you provide? Um, but don't you want to know the fact that I'm a doctor from France? Sure. Whatever. From Lyon. That's cool. My expert service includes

expert on female orgasm, innate or acquired, erectile dysfunction, with emphasis on medications, especially coronary heart disease and diabetes. Are you feeling turned on, ladies? Not really.

You did say the magic word, diabetes. Ooh, Mr. Wilford Brimley. Sorry. Medications and their side effects, and romantic relationship counseling. I help females, single or in a relationship, achieve orgasms and improve their sexual pleasure. Sure, yeah, that's not transparent.

I help males with erectile dysfunction to find the correct regimens, diet, nutrition, exercise, for overcoming ED. Take this Viagra. Dr. Orgasm out. And then he throws down the microphone. All right, well, shit. I like orgasms. How much would you charge for orgasm service?

If you want to chat or talk on the phone, it would be the low, low price of $2.50 per minute. You could talk to that sexy voice for $2.50 a minute? Oh, baby. Alright. I'll only need about two minutes to get my orgasm anyway, so

I think I'm coming out of it. But hey, what if you have no ears? What if you have no ears? I've got the solution for you. You can email me. It's going to cost something like $50 or $100. How will I going to cost something like $50 or $100. How will I

know whether it's a $50 or $100 email? Oh, you'll know. Whether or not you're the boner. All his emails are tinged with perfume. Listen, lady, I'm Dr. Orgasm. The boner is guaranteed. I'm not a lady. Fuck you.

Alright, guys. My name's Chi Mike. Hi, Chi Mike. I almost sounded like Boots Reingear, but he turned me down, so now I sound kind of like Lemon. Okay. Okay, look. Chi Mike's up in here. Hey, I'm helping women

explore and communicate their desires and fantasies for a more fulfilled and uninhibited life. Uh-huh. Here's the expert service I provide. Many women feel ashamed to express their sexual desires and fantasies. Society has

created an environment where many women would like to be uninhibited. But they do not feel they have a safe outlet to express their desires. I work with many women to help them communicate their desires to their partners and enjoy the amazing intimacy

that comes with that. Huh? Okay. So he's teaching women how to talk dirty in bed? Well, I'm a certified sex coach. You're a first base sex coach or a third base sex coach? Everyone's going home regardless. I'm also a massage therapist and I've had experience.

I've had years of experience with beautiful interactions with women. Beautiful. I look like the guy from Doom. Look, here's the thing. 99 cents a minute. Shit, I'll give this away. Whatever. I'm basically prostituting myself here on this website so

I'll take whatever money you want to give me please call me I'm so lonely alright I think that we've been you know dealing with silly things here just silly silly things like all Just silly, silly things. Like all of these sex and orgasms. And it's just sort of like low-hanging fruit.

Yeah, who cares about sex and orgasms? I'm feeling ashamed of myself right now. Exactly. So we need to talk about real important skills like this one. Stog, what are you an expert in? Hey, everybody. My name is Elijah Daniel, and I you an expert in? Hey, everybody, my name is Elijah Daniel, and I'm an expert in games!

Yay, I like games! Excellent! First of all, I want to start with the meaning of game. According to Oxford Dictionary, game is a play with rules. If you abide by the rules, you will get to the next level, B. The next level, B. The next level, B.

Just tell me about your act for service while I consult my dictionary. I get degrees. I get a secondary school certificate degree, an FSLC degree, and I got a four-year degree in video games. That is a blatant lie, sir. My expert service. I also know when Mom and Dad want someone to play a game. When to fix game times.

How to earn high points in games. I started playing games from my childhood and since then up to now, game has been as a recreation to me. Games cover you up with your mood. You just take the Monopoly board, and you just use it as a blanket, and you go to sleep. I just wanted to mention, I just did a search on liveperson.com, and I did not find a single expert in Bubsy.

So, I'm on it. Just saying. Get Ulilia on. I don't know if he needs a little bit of extra money, but I'm sure some people out there need some help with Bubsy. Close encounters with a Bond kind. I would pay for that.

I would definitely buy at least five minutes of that. That shit's like wizard stuff. When you are lonely, game can make you feel at home. Whenever you are sad or distressed, they are certain games like Predators, MotoGP 09, that can make you happiness. When you feel the actions,

dangers, you will be happy. Remember, game is a play with rules. If you abide to the rules, you can gain more points. Okay. Why didn't he list his masters in English in his qualifications?

Games are classified in several groups like action, puzzle, sports, casino, movie games, Christmas games, etc. That's a popular genre. I like it.

There's nothing like playing Santa and taking out an entire row of reindeer. Yes. You know, it was this Christmas peggle. Hey, there's nothing like playing Santa and taking out an entire row of reindeer. Yes. You know, it was this Christmas peggle. Christmas bejeweled. My favorite game is making snowballs and then eating the snowballs. Keep going.

Tell me more. But the best to play to give companies action. Sports. Movie games. Especially. Like the Harry Potter tie-in games? Like the Batman. No, no. The Molyneux game, The Movies.

Oh. And it's DLC. Yeah, the HitConnect Games U-Star. I have a specialization in the True Lies SNES video game. Anyway, what platform should I be playing these action sports and movie games on? Especially when you

are using Xbox 360, PS1, 2, or 3, or Game Boy, that the action can be felt the more. You mean I bought this rumble pack for my PC for nothing? I just... I want a Game Boy with a rumble pack. I just attach my cell phone to the bottom of my game pad and boom, rumble pack.

It's a lot more effective than just throwing my batteries in the garbage. I just stuck it to the end of a Hitachi magic wand. Oh, that would work. Yep, there you go. Oh, so games can be played on cell phone that has an internet connection to enable it browse

and download actions, or sports, or another type of game. Even though cell phones, that is not connected to the internet, have games on them, but it is casino or puzzle game. Some people use them as gamble, especially casino. Oh.

Okay. What is it like inside of your head, Elijah Daniel? I don't know. Really lonely. All those Sprint stores are just little casinos. But those games cannot put a smile on youngsters' face. It is only action, sport, Christmas games that can put a smile on their face. This guy had the worst childhood ever.

Just because he spent a lot of time playing the Madden 92 Christmas edition doesn't mean... Movies! Games! Right. Is also among the best enjoyable games. games is also among the best enjoyable games. Movies like Spider-Man, Mortal Kombat, that broke record are good in a lonely mood that can make you... What the fuck?

Also, I really like the idea of like, boy, I sure am lonely. I think I'll play Mortal Kombat against the computer. Yay! That's a game well known for its AI. I feel so much less lonely now. I think really what he's saying is he actually watches Mortal Kombat

the movie. We'll make you feel... But he might play Mortal Kombat the movie the game. Alright, finish this up. Mortal Kombat that broke record are good in a lonely mood. That can make you someone happy and comfortable.

If you want to know more, you can ask me your question. But I'll probably answer it with this bullshit, so never mind. I can't. What are your experience and qualifications anyway? Do you have any real qualifications here? I have experienced so many games like Spider-Man, Prince of Persia, Devil May Cry, God of War, Ghost Recon, Mortal Kombat, Predators, etc. And have won a prize for the best gamer in secondary school. Yay!

What the fuck game is Predators anyways? I think it's probably Aliens vs. Predator or something like that. Maybe? Hey Jack Chick. Yes? Don't you want to hear my rates? Oh, of course I want to hear your rates.

I'm so sorry. How much do you charge for this expert service? My chat, if you want to chat with me up front or over the phone, it's $6.50 per minute. Right. Of course. Of course. Only. It's premium prices for a premium service.

Video games, duh. I got to train for the future. Alright, my email. If you want to send me an email instead, that's gonna be $40. That's for more video games. I got a lot of video games I gotta beat.

Hey, but guys, I don't know. I don't think there are any new games like Spider-Man, Prince of Persia, Devil May Cry, God of War, Ghost Recon, Mortal Kombat, Predators, or et cetera coming out right now. No, it's all one game. So why would you need more games? Well, because there's eventually, I mean, Christmas is coming up soon. Oh, shit. And then there's going to be a whole new slate of Christmas games.

That's a good point. All right. a whole new slate of Christmas games. That's a good point. Alright, so Jack Check, would you consider yourself more of an expert in computer and IT issues? Or are you more of a

online content marketing kind of person? Oh, I'm online content marketing. This is right in my wheelhouse. Alright, so tell me about yourself, Ms. Lauren Taylor. I have my own channel on U-Tube and a virtual classroom on my businesswed-site.

That's where businesses get married. The site only works on Wednesday. I shoot about three videos a week and do all the editing and posting to social media sites. You guys want to know about my qualifications?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Definitely. Alright, so I have a degree and license for 25 years. She can drive! Of course. Yeah. My expert service. Video and having an internet presence, as in gifts,

is very important in this day and age. You need to be internet savvy to compete. So making transitions from advertising and yellow pages and social media is where it's at. Staying current with our ever-changing industry becomes a normal part of your business. On-dash going trends, hands-on workshops, specializing in educational videos, virtual classroom and webinars and podcasting. Hey! Webinars! Casting pods.

That's code for I'm a douche. We need about four pods for our film. We gotta swap out that webinar for this webinar. So making transitions from advertising in yellow pages and social media. Correct. So not transitioning from yellow pages to social media,

but making transitions both in the yellow pages and social media. Well, because both of those are outdated formats. So, right. It's all skywriting now. So, clearly, what I like about you is that nothing about you smells like bullshit. So, what are your experience and qualifications?

And make sure that none of them are bullshit. Okay, I will do that. Good. Lauren Taylor, online marketer and internet entrepreneur advisor investor social media enthusiast bigger dash thinker internet marketer coach and mentor astrologer tarot extension expert business coach and educator other things i can help you with in business clarity for you business goals learn how to run your own mobile beauty business. Learn how to run your own hair extensions business.

Learn how to run memberships programs in your salon or studio. Business names. Create a web presence. Private labels. Train the trainer. Focus. Learn to use the training you invested in the past and never started. Less doing more results.

Professional and personal support. Listening. Learning. Less doing more results. Professional and personal support. Listening. Learning. Beginner's mind. Heart-centric business. Balance. Male-female. Yin-yang. Doing-letting-go. Prosperity. Letting it in. Block removal. Smiley face. What's in your way? Let's get that out of your way. I don't think she should be

writing frame-form poetry. Lauren Taylor, you forgot to mention water divining. Dowsing. It's in there somewhere. Witch intuiting. Anything about anything that she's supposedly an expert in. Dog exercising. Reading entrails. Except for hair extensions. She apparently knows a shitload about hair extensions. I like that in the middle of that was just remind you that you already had training

for stuff and tell you to use that. Parade wearing. Car bouncing. Pool drinking. Twerking. Grass eating. Fluorinating water. Oh, well.

Okay, I got a little bit of money, and you certainly have encouraged me to spend it. So how much does it cost for you, Lauren Taylor? Well, let me tell you. You can do it by chat or by phone. That's $1.99 per minute. Or you can send me an email. I don't know. No, I think I would prefer to kind of get all my thoughts together and just sort of like,

you know, do it in one. Okay. How much would it cost for an email? Excellent. No. An email is an excellent choice. One email to me will cost you $1.99 per minute. No.

No. That doesn't say per minute. Oh, doesn't it? No. I thought that's how I read that. Minimum. Sorry. Oh, it's a minimum?

Oh, is it a minimum? Is it $1.99 minimum? Mm-hmm. Oh, I thought it was... Yeah.'s how I read that. Minimum. Sorry. Oh, is it a $1.99 minimum? Yeah, above it says $1.99 per minute, and then for email, $1.99 min. Min. Minimum. Well, it's still pretty cheap compared to everybody else we've been through. Maybe, but on the other hand, she could charge you $1,000 and be like, well, it's over the minimum. Hey, Boots. Hey, Lemon. what's it like being a blog expert uh spiffy good well uh tell me about how i want to be a blog expert too so will you lend me some of your blog expertise sure sure if i uh tell you my name

first well good luck with telling me your name. My name is Afigaz. Afigos. Right. Afigaz. Afigos. Yeah. So, we won't bother to comment on the photo other than you're a cock. I can teach you how to earn with your blog.

It's fast and easy. Oh, well, good. Well, that's great. I like easy things. I like money. This is going to work out great. Yeah. My education. I have an. This is going to work out great. My education? I have

an Arcadia Club certified partner. Pardon? What is that? I don't know. My expert service. I can quickly teach you how to make money with your blog. First we analyze the contents and then, depending

on the circumstances, we propose several possibilities on how to profit from it, directly or through third parties. Oh, good. I can finally get some mileage out of that blog I wrote in eighth grade. You should put an ad on there! Bye! Yeah! Anyway, my qualifications. During my work experiences, I had the opportunity

to write books slash guides, how to draw manga and anime, AdSense secrets, philosophy, seduction, fantasy stories, comics, etc.

Making animated film, Magic Gladius. Fuck. etc. Make an animated film, Magic Gladius. Fuck. Why do I hear laughter? For no reason. Modern art. A social network in Italy.

A great site with over 7,000 pages. Did you count them? Over 7,000! A network of 40 sites, many advertising work for major companies, and much more! Sog, you are J-Whitlow? From the bottom there?

Hi everybody, my name is G-Whitlow. Thanks for solving my problem. Ringing endorsement if there ever was one. Yeah, and that only cost him either 50 cents per minute or $10 by email. Awesome. My problem costs $10 to solve. Call that a $10 problem.

Thanks, Joe Whitlow. Okay, guys, my name's HypnoDocDirectOnline. HypnoDocDirectOnline. Oh, he's such a cute grandpa. Okay, I'm probably about 90. HypnoDocDirectOnline, I'm an expert in medical

ethics. You can see my profiles. I have 32 different reviews. Eh? Eh? No. Five stars. HypnoDoc module loaded. What? I don't... What? Like... Yeah. What? Yeah. Yes. Correct. Okay.

Medical Ethics and his name is HypnoDoc. Right. Right. I'm good at Medicine and Ethnics. And Ethics. Wait a minute. Whoa. I'm good with the ethics.

You detect it. They like me. The ethnics respond very well to me. Stop talking, Grandpa. You appear to be black. Okay, look. Look. When medical ethics have been violated,

severe hurt and disillusionment often generates resentment that can obsess you, which is like an abscess, but different. I can help you to overcome this pain and distrust. My degrees are various. Graduate schools? College, some. Just assortment. So, here's my expert service. I am a professional hypnotist and writer of custom-made hypno-scripts that are based on your specific needs.

Good. Wrote it in CoffeeScript. I have done this since the 1950s. Yay! Most of my scripts are intended for self-application. They do not interfere with your medication or other treatment. I am a California licensee, doctor of chiropractic, now retired. And here's my experience and qualifications.

They're quite different. I am a professional writer of custom-made hypnoscripts. Oh, okay. I've a professional writer of custom-made hypnoscripts. Oh, okay. I've done this since the 1950s. Every script... This is actually how I hypnotize you. I feel like I've heard this before, but it can't be possible. Every script uses elements that I have found worked best in my 50 years of practice

as both a chiropractic alternative practitioner hypnotist. I'm available for email and chat. And he's a Giants fan. What does this have to do with medical ethics at all? Well, just fucking... I'm sorry, was that user...

Yeah, I'm user... I am user 3BB3Z8. He is the best. He is a real human. Hard to find these days. Goddamn robots. There's only about six billion of them. He does much more than is expected.

Great dream analysis. I'm kind of wondering how you chose that one out of the four reviews from that guy. He is the best help I have found. He is so caring and nonjudgmental. It is amazing. My best therapist in the last year. He has done so much for me, furring my daily struggles. Oh, fuzzy.

He is the best. Do not hesitate to hire him. I am not a robot. Holy shit. There's so many of these. He wrote so many of these. Anyway, so I'm available chat or phone.

Either way, that's $1.99 a minute, obviously. None of this shit comes for free. You know, none of this shit comes for free. You get my kind of expertise. It's going to cost you about $2. But, if you want an email, my nephew helped me figure it out.

And it is $29.95 for new custom-made scripts and research replies. Vacuum tubes are not cheap. If you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself. All right. Nutshell, you are a lucky, lucky human being. Oh, goody.

You are a lucky human being. Hit me. You are about to read. Psychic Reader and Healer is his name. Oh my. Oh wow. And, yeah, just take us through it. Just go, baby. Just go.

Psychic Reader and Healer. A top-ranked psychic on LivePerson with over 14,000 reviews from clients. He shows what your partner slash lover is thinking and actions they will take. Whoa. Talks in third person.

All right. I'd like to know right off the bat how much you charge. Yeah, that's actually... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chat phone, $18.61 per minute. Holy God! Email? I don't do email readings.

Only live chats and voice phone readings as I can, Connie. Alright, how many reviews do you have? Oh, fuck. How many ratings do you have? I have 14,405

reviews. Oh, my God. Thanks, Ma. 405 reviews. Oh my god. Huh. Thanks, Ma. Looks like Lucy's a big one. Okay, so tell me about your expert service. My expert

service. I would like to thank you for taking the time to read about me and my psychic abilities. You're welcome time to read about me and my psychic abilities. You're welcome. My name is Andrew, and my psychic greetings and healings offer comfort where there is darkness and allows you to see the following concerning love, relationships, marriage, finances, and business. What is my partner thinking now?

Why are they being distant? What are they hiding from me in their own heart? Who are they seeing behind my back? Will my marriage last, or should I end it now? What actions will my partner take

in the coming weeks, months? Why does my partner slash lover really love me from their heart? Why have they changed so quickly into being so cold with me? I can show you accurate results on the above

questions. Also, I can use my gift to give you understanding, warnings, comfort, and someone that will be here for you at any time you need me now. I like this fusion of Russian, Scottish, and the Bronx you've got going there

in a nutshell. It's a heady brew. I'm really excited by the blue text has every first letter capitalized, and then the black text is all caps. Right. Because he knows text formatting.

What the fuck are these bullet points? They're the important parts. On a daily basis, I meet people who need help and love, marriage and relationships, and so many clients find what they need from my spiritual

gift to give them and their lovers slash partners deserve rewards. Whether you need full reading or a spiritual healing for your partner that is unique to me as it allow them to listen to their own heart more and you or simply someone

to release to am here to listen. Karma on my face. And someone that will comfort you into warmth in a very confidential manner call me anytime you like. I also... I like to talk.

I also meet so many business people daily and I can offer my services on the following. Will my business grow this quarter? Can I trust my business partner? Should I invest more money into the business? No, you should give all your money to this guy, obviously. Should I move location to get success in the coming year? Thank you again for reading my profile, and I hope we can chat soon.

Many blessings on your soul, and Kratla from my spirits. Kratla from my spirits, too. Kratla from my spirits. Lemon, Kratla from my spirits. Oh, you know, it's... I've heard that from you a couple times, but it's nice to hear. I like that he embedded a web counter into this. Right.

I haven't seen one of those in a long time. Why wouldn't he? So it's worth noting that Psychic Reader and Healer has a bunch of different profiles in different places throughout the site. a bunch of different profiles in different places throughout the site. They're mostly all just the same, except the font, coloring, and sizing is different. Right, but he is

in his other profile, he's an expert in Kabbalah. Oh, that's good. Personally, I'm a fan of his specialty in spellcasting. He's a Renaissancenaissance man. Look at the prices! Oh my god. Oh, he does email.

He does spellcasting emails. Oh, spellcasting emails, sure. Alright, psychic reader and healer, tell us how much you charge for spellcasting emails. I offer spells through my spirits that works and allows your lover to show you what their heart needs

and unlock happiness. Ooh, that's worth a pretty penny. All right, how much do I have to pay for such a thing? 300 to 3,000, depending on how many questions and matters they arise in the end. I wear the real hyssop robe when casting spells. Well, if he's charging 3,000, you know he only needs to get a couple of people. One person. I have real magic staff.

Oh, anyway, I wanted to say, my name's Zah28. And I had a session with Psychic Reader and Healer. I was choked how accurate he is! Hopefully he's right! Hopefully? I paid an exorbitant amount of money for this. What? I don't understand what.

It's fine. Okay. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Hi, I'm Mickrick Andrew you are amazing Thank you so so So much for your help

You always honest And sweet warm truthful Alright Who wants money I want candy Stock you want money You can turn money. I do. I want candy. Okay. Stock, you want money. You can turn money into candy. So tell us about...

Read the profile of Real Riches here. Real Riches offers some services. Real Riches. Experts in achieving financial freedom. My degrees are I'm a certified life coach

and a certified master life coach, like on Peep Show. No, no, certified master spirit life coach. Yes! I still printed it out. My name is Tana Corona and I am an experienced coach. I work with you on all levels.

Practical, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. To help you achieve the prosperity and abundance that you want and deserve. How do I know you deserve this? Oh, that's like, you know how all very wealthy people are always very sort of like emotionally and spiritually pure? Yes. Yeah. So, you know, obviously, you know, we all

want money, but first you need to get the same level of spiritual pureness that the wealthy have. Like the secret. I think it comes from a really strong background in fundamental morality and ethics. Like the secret. Yeah, well, I think it comes from a really strong background in fundamental morality and ethics. Right, right, yeah. I mean, you know, like, you want money from people,

you just know how to treat them well. Or you could just think really hard about money. A great spiritual guidebook tells us, fear not, it is your father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Regardless. Okay, so be born rich. Got it.

Get to work on it. For $1.97 a minute, I can help you out with that. Sweet. Regardless of what religion or lack thereof, smiley face, you follow, life itself promises that we should have all we need to live life abundantly. In his book, Prosperity, Charles Fillmore tells us, it is perfectly logical to assume that a wise and competent creator would provide for the needs of his creatures.

Thus, we must drill for oil in Alaska. Yes! The oil has been endowed to us by our creator. Those seals getting covered in oil? They're getting covered in prosperity. Yeah, they could sell that oil for a bundle.

I mean, those seals just really need to have the entrepreneurial spirit, so they should... The problem is because they don't have feet, they don't have bootstraps. Oh, good point. Yeah, they can't pull themselves up by what they don't have. If those seals didn't want to be covered in oil... Oh, fuck it, I can't finish that. That's enough of a tangent anyway.

I had something about little seal cars, but fuck it. Alright. Actually, that's pretty good. In our heart of hearts, we know this. To the extent we are not experiencing this, we are badly conflicting beliefs. We are also separated from our true purpose. How can we fulfill our true life purpose when our minds are consumed with,

how am I going to pay the rent? And I can't afford to fill my gas tank. Or even, I don't have bus fare. Okay, in my heart of hearts, I think that that was a garbled bunch of words and didn't really form a sentence or a complete thought.

Someone doesn't have bus fare. Fair enough. That's why I used the little card. You got served. I use many different tools, including live coaching, EFT, meridian tapping, runes, angel cards, and much more. Of course. You and I will determine the most effective means to get you moving towards your goals right now. I may prescribe formations, prayer treatments, and similar means so you can help yourself out

after our call. I believe in you. I believe that God and my angels always direct me to those who need, who most need me, and those I am most qualified to help. You have your own angels? Yes! She has her own god.

Wow. You got a posse. I just hollow out an angel, stick a light bulb in it, and boom! I have an angel! Okay. An angel lamp! I turn it on every morning. Gives me spiritual healing.

Even can find that cricket noise that is behind you. Keep going. I always give you your feedback straight because as your advocate and champion, I hold the vision of your highest good for you. I also include all of my clients, that means you once we speak, in my daily prayers and intention setting. Ooh, it's a fringe benefit. Our time together does not end after our call.

I'm standing right outside your house. Got any banning Jerry's? I'll climb up onto your ceiling and watch you as you sleep. Oh, God. All right, well, how much do you charge for this service? Bear in mind that we get free prayers as part of it. Well, I've been coaching my whole life, coaching professionally for five years, and I have studied metaphysics for 30 years, so it doesn't come cheap.

Every chat is $1.97 per minute. And email? Well, it's to be determined with individual clients. So if you feel like getting some prayers, just give me a call. Boots. Mm-hmm. Do you, like, I feel like we need some sort of music mentorship here. Here's me.

Nestor LaVox. Sorry, Nestor LaVox. Right. That's like... Nestor of Voice. Right, yeah. You've got Bono's last name, except for the French version. I have over 23 years' experience in songwriting and collaboration with other Spanish artists and songwriters. My company specializes in music production for advertising.

Oh, good. Yeah, that means you're talented. All right. Yes, I have a BBA marketing major and also music and composition and film scoring major. Don't ask where it's from. Fair enough. By the way, it's a major. It doesn't matter. My expert service. A natural born poet and

musician, Nestor Lavox inherited his musical virtuosity from his family of improvisers and mountain troubadours in the heart of the Puerto Rican tropics. Oh my god. So this is a write-up for his Dungeons & Dragons

Bard character? Shit. Please, it's D20. I have a close three. It's set in colonial... Anyway. He composed his first songs at the age of eight. A self-taught musician,

Lavox performed, composed, and produced music for multiple cover bands during his high school years. Wait, he composed music for cover bands? Yes, he did. I wrote the Kiss song Strutter and then Kiss stole it from me. Amy Lee?

Later on, Nestor, LaVox decided to... Sorry, I was adding my own punctuation because he didn't. Right. Later on, Nestor LaVox decided to formalize his music knowledge by attending the prestigious Berklee School of Music. Oh, hey! You got the same alma mater, Jack Chick! Yeah, yeah, so I do.

One of the nation's foremost institutions in the field. That is true. Today, Nestlevox owns and directs Vitamin M, one of the nation's most important music production companies in the advertising industry. Um, uh, okay, see, uh, I can't seem to find any reference of it online. Well, that's okay. I'm sure it's fine. But I'm sure it's lower down in his experience and qualifications.

Just keep going. Yes, my experience and qualifications includes 23 years of experience in songwriting and music production, award winner composer for various top 100 advertising campaigns. Sure, yeah. I like how you don't talk in specifics.

That makes me trust you more. Good. Broadcast Music Inc., BMI, active member since 1987. Does that mean you subscribe to the CD of the Month Club still? I get 11 CDs for one penny. Owner of production company and recording over 100,000 music downloads. As per today, www.nestorlavox.com iTunes link.

And here's an iTunes link. Yeah. Producing over 10 new acts to be released under Vitamin M Records. Okay, so two things. First of all, Vitamin M Records, absolutely no sign of it online. Secondly, nestorlavox.com does not exist. Excellent. How much do you charge?

What about the iTunes link, though? What about the iTunes link that says, hmm, the page you're looking for can't be found? Well, damn. iTunes has to think about that for a second. Hmm. Alright, so how much do you

charge for being not a liar? Oh, $2 per minute. Not lying is profitable. Or if you want an email, because email is the best way to discuss songwriting. Right. $5 to $15 for simple questions, or $25 to $70 for one-hour average research with Source. What does that

mean? I Wikipedia'd it. Oh, okay. Nestor Lvox doesn't show up on iTunes search. I'm on LinkedIn. Oh, are you? I found Vitamin M on LinkedIn. Did you? Yeah, I did. I found their

website now. Oh, M stands for multimedia. Perfect. Hey, guys. Oh, I found their website now. Oh, M stands for multimedia. Hey, guys, let's check out their website. On it. Here you go. Oh, great. It's vitaminm.tv, of course. Firefox cannot find the server at vitaminm.tv.

I try to maintain a strong web presence You didn't say that was important to you Great Jack, just real quick If you'll just read that last thing you found Oh, yes Blaze through that, please Well, I think more importantly is the picture for him

Yeah Yeah, what is it more importantly is the picture for him. Yeah. Yeah, what is it? What is the picture? It's MS Paint Word Gene, G-E-N-E in all caps, with a light bulb next to it, which has been turned on, attached to a spring. Yay! That's a picture of him. So that makes sense, seeing as how your name is...

M. Abdul Sami! So, Gene. Exactly! I am a computer scientist. I can give you my full support ASAP. Homework's made with basic code or complex applications made in a professional manner. Wait, people use this service to do homework? That's terrific. I've been trying to learn Ruby on Rails

the last couple weeks. I could really use some help. So just, what are your qualifications? What can you help me with? My degrees, I have a B-S-C-S-M-S-dot-C-S comma English

H-parenthesis S. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of BS to me. This is bad. I am my expert service. That's real. I am my expert service. I am well versed in many languages and scripting languages. A brief list follows.

C, C++, Java, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, Visual Basic, VBA, Visual Basic for Programming Access Databases. Besides computer sciences, I enjoy literature. I possess excellent language and analytical skills. Yay! CSS, I love that band. Literature, do you? Mm-hmm. Literature is one of my favorite authors.

Yeah. I think he's one of everybody's favorite authors. Experience and qualifications. Five plus years experience in software design and programming, done many projects using various programming languages and technologies. So then, just to go further, I think we should read some reviews. Yes, we should. Boots? You're easy.

Okay. Hey, my name is Easy. Never trust him. Asked me to extend the time three times. Finally, he cannot do the work. Waste of time. One star. The first negative review I've seen on this site.

I should say the first non-five-star review I've ever seen on this site. Hey, Lemon, take the second. All right. He's the worst expert. Extended the deadline a lot, and in the end, he didn't do the work, though. He said he was gonna do it. Don't take him! So anyway, so after those two reviews,

John Cruz stepped out and tried his luck. How did it go for John Cruz? He asked the one question within 12 hours, but after hiring him, he then said he could not do it. Why say you could do the one question within 12 hours. But after hiring him, he then said he could not do it. Why say you could do it with the less time that was remaining only for me to waste that time

and relying on you to help? So I can get paid by you, idiot. And then JPUSA gave him four stars. Yay! Which, he actually has the same complaint, but he just gave it four stars instead of five. Yay! You guys want to know about comics? Yes.

Not really. Good. My name is Doc Palindrome. Oh, God. I'm an expert in collectibles! Oh, fuck. It's me, Doc Palindrome, the comic book expert. My expert service.

Do you have a question about comics? Really? Cool. Thanks for answering that question in the affirmative. I have been collecting comics for more than 30 years and have actually taught comics at local universities regarding the social effects of comics. Oh, no. Broke into a lecture hall at 3 in the morning, just put his favorite comics in a bunch of chairs. What if Batman were in Rosa Parks' position?

What would he do? Everyone in this class is going to read Dork, whether they like it or not. Chances are they won't. Hey, if you have a question regarding comics or are simply interested in getting some more info about the characters in latest comic films i can help one of these days i'm going to write a programming script that auto replaces that but for now that'll be good enough well Well, he learned programming. First you need some people to use their service, and then you can pay somebody else. No, no, no.

He feels he has a good grasp of programming from Green Lantern number 63, in which Green Lantern fights the programmer villain. Yeah, you should stop. That was going nowhere. All right. I can help. If you are looking for a specific appearance of a character or a specific comic i can help i rarely find a con comic question

that i cannot answer so in all likelihood i can help yay Well I'm almost convinced With your qualifications Oh okay sure of course Well I wouldn't want you to step into this Without knowing my qualifications So let me lay them out for you Unlike that previous guy I'm going to talk in specifics

It's all going to be Alright here we go I know the birth name and home planet of every member of the Legion of Superheroes and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. I know Superman's social security number.

Oh boy. Want to learn how to commit identity fraud with Superman's social security number? I can help! Is that his Earth social security number? Like his USA social security number? Or his Krypton one?

Krypton didn't have social security. How much does the good doctor charge for this wonderful service anyway? Oh, that's a good question. Okay, so you want to know how much Doc Palindrome charges? Well, Doc Palindrome keeps reasonable rates. First of all, Shatterphone,

50 cents a minute. That's all I need, 50 cents a minute. You're good. Taken care of. Also, I don't do that structured shit with, like, researching and maybe it'll be this much to this much. Email is just two clams. Cheap! Keep in mind, that's not some sort

of, like, you know, like euphemism or anything. That's genuinely I need two clams. Oh. Shut or non-shut. Either way is fine. Just as long as I get the clams. If I don't get the clams, we're gonna have a fucking problem.

He's also an expert in computer repair. Okay, alright. We need to finish this out with Here's the Spiritual Hobo! Oh, good. Is it Alan Moore? Boots, give us the words

of the Spiritual Hobo, please. The spiritual hobo. Tell me about yourself. It's going to be hard. I am God psychic and spirit sensitive. Sure. I have a very unique but personal relationship with God. Oh, dear.

I receive visions and revelations. My version of God doesn't mind when I stab hookers. Do you want to hear my degrees? Do I? Okay. Yep. Theology, St. Joseph's Seraphic Seminary of M. Certified

Psychic. Those shouldn't go together. There's a cert? Nobody should have both of those qualifications. My expert service. Here, I'm gonna lay down the details, the things

that I do. God psychic, spirit sensitive. Star five, star psychic reader. Star five star psychic reader. Star. Star. 57 years old star. 53 years of psychic experience.

Star, star, star, star, star. You were giving tarot readings at the age of four? No, no, he's just been psychic since the age of four. Oh, okay, yeah. Just let him keep on reading. Sure. Wait, what did we say five stars stood for? I don't know, but you said you were reading,

because you've set the precedent that you're reading all the stars, you have to continue that now. Star, star, star, star, star, fast and accurate. Star, star, star, star, star, three card couples reading. Star, star, star, star, star, three-card couples reading. Star, star, star, star, star, period. By a gift psychic. A gifted psychic. Star, star, star, star, star.

There's my experience and qualifications. I became totally psychic in one instant, my fourth birthday, while sitting in front of a birthday cake that had four candles burning on it. What the hell? What? front of a birthday cake that had four candles burning on it. What the hell? What? I stood to become a Catholic priest for four years, 1969 to 1972. That's four, right?

I did a lot of asking. I am a psychic reader by nature. I am a full-time spiritualist. Yes. I'm a psychic reader by nature. I'm a full-time spiritualist. There's quicker ways to just say you're unemployed. Yeah.

Well, here's an even quicker way. Spirituality is my vocation, not my job. Oh, fuck's sake. My available modes of communication are email and chat. And how much do those cost? How much do those cost? How much do I pay you, the spiritual hobo? A dollar nine.

It's a dollar ninety-nine per minute. Right. But email is forty dollars for an email reading that includes a psychic reading using cards, dice, and... Oh, so it's a match of the Gathering slash Dungeons and Dragons game. Excellent. Nutshell, you're le fleur

le fleur speaking in a very Christian language and I couldn't understand much of it otherwise seems to be knowledgeable but I am not so intelligent to understand his words yeah his words.

Yeah. Yeah. What's a very Christian language? Hebrew. Italian? English. There we go. Round about an hour of people who need people to give them money. Jack Chick, what did you learn this week?

I learned that creepy internet weirdos are the perfect source for all of my problems, and I should just give all of my money over to them. Absolutely. Yeah, your impulse to slowly back away from those people as you politely nod your head and go uh-huh, uh-huh to everything uh it's the wrong impulse well yeah that's what you should be doing if you go to the counseling section they actually have uh people who coach you through that process uh and then and then in the education section you can actually get coached onto how to become a coach so is is there a is there a live person

expert that will teach you how to be a live person expert? Well, I'm currently looking for it, but I think I might have an inside view on this one. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, your degrees are, you know, performed in podcasts about this. I, you know, I also have a professional degree in bullshit. It was hard to earn, but you know, I succeeded. I think they just hand those out to music majors as a bonus anyway, right? Hey, fuck you.

The website is always thefpl.us where we got all of our episodes. We post drawings that people make about those episodes when people put them up there. So if you haven't, do so. And our community is called Ball Pits.

That's B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. A fully functional forum that hopefully will have some new fun stuff to do with bulbs any day now. I keep hearing it's going to happen any day now. But, you know, any day could be some day in the future. And the puppy's totally coming home. Alright, you have a good one. I'm outta here!

Yo, I'm Anthony Romeo. I'm the fantasy professor. I live, eat, breathe fantasy football 365 days a year, baby. Yeah. All right. If any of my words sound muffled, it's because I need to suck your dick. No, I hear you. I hear you.

We're doing this. We're doing this. Are you ready? Are you ready? You want to know about life? Yeah, baby. I'm ready. All right.

All right. all right. I got a bachelor's degree in business. I don't think you do. And a master's in eating nothing but Cheerios. No, man, it's just nachos 365 days a year, baby. All right. My expert service. I am the commissioner of two fantasy football leagues.

I participate and have a proven winning draft story in four fantasy football leagues. Count it. One, two, three, four of them. Each year for the past three years, boom! With my advice, I guarantee you make playoffs in your fantasy league. I know stats, records, player ADP, who's injured, who the sleepers are, and who in your IDP leagues. I have a strategy

guaranteed to get you the best mix of defense and offensive players to leave your competitors wishing they had the same knowledge as you do. Live, eat, and breathe fantasy sports. You shouldn't do that, actually. It's probably a medical problem that you might want to look into. If you eat another fantasy

football, you're going to die. I follow and subscribe to Inside Information so I can keep you up to date on all your fantasy questions. Oh, really? You can talk to me about my fantasy? Yeah, in his alternate expertise, actually. What does Catwoman have to do with fantasy football?

Get out of here, jabroni! Because my fantasy is being alone in a room with Anthony Romero and a bat. Please, it's Anthony Romeo. Oh, I'm sorry. Anthony Romeo. Alright, keep going. Experience and qualifications. I've been involved with sports for the past 20 years.

I come from a town that had the number one national football team in the USA two years in a row. I've been on the radio with fantasy experts on SiriusXM to not only comment, but also give and receive advice. My passion, winning attitude, and statistical analysis all combine to give you the best fantasy advice

quickly and efficiently. I am a viable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, baby! Hey, uh, uh, 7 guy reviewed this. 7 person reviewed this. Seven, seven person reviewed this. Flatiron. Uh, yeah.

Flatiron, Flatiron reviewed. Of course he fucking refers to himself as AR. Seven times. He, he really likes himself some Anthony Romeo. I, I, I'm just really excited that the first one is AR provides outstanding FF advice. Because this guy, there's no way that he doesn't refer to himself as AR.

Yo, yo, it's AR! No, no, I bet he more frequently refers to himself as AR-15. Probably.