The F Plus - 114: I Don't Make Eye Contact On The First Date

Episode Date: November 2, 2013

In a pre-internet age, the best way for young guys who had problems finding love to meet other guys with the same problem was to ask the question "Hey dude, do you play Magic: The Gathering?" The community has become marginally more sophisticated since then and the term "incel" (involuntary celibacy) was born. "Involuntary Celibacy?" you ask, "isn't that a really irritating way to say that you can't get laid and pretend like it's a political group?" Well, welcome to love-shy.com, there's gonna be a whole lot of that kind of thing here. This week, The F Plus gets off just looking at each other.

This episode was written after watching an episode of Californication. This episode? This Wikipedia article. Sorry. Oh, now they know we write our own shit. Thanks, Boots. Delete that from the episode. Yeah. Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast. And just wants to believe me I know what to do But for the moment I make love to you Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast. Terrible things rather than enthusiasm. My name's Lemon.

I'm Boots Reingear. Boots, how are you doing this week? Pretty good, pretty good. I'm making some plans. Okay, good. I'm going to fix up my house. I'm going to set aside one of my rooms. And it's just going to be a place

where my buddies can come over and play video games and board games, whatever. Sure. Okay, so just a whole room, that's all that room is? Yeah, yeah, I'm calling it the friend zone. That is a spinoff that will somehow be less, like, more depressing than Chuck E. Cheese is. That's what that will be. Come to the friend zone. Yeah.

You know how it's fun to, like, make fun of dudes who can't get, like, dates with girls and they complain about the friend zone all the time. You know how it's fun to make fun of those guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember when we did that in February? Oh, the friend zone episode we recorded like 10 months ago, yeah. Yeah, so we did that. It's funny you bring that up right now.

Yeah, I was just talking to Isfahan and he got around to editing it. Oh, sweet. Yeah. In all fairness, it wasn't on Isfahan's plate. It was in other people's plate who shall remain nameless. I think it was in mine at one point. Probably. Yeah, so this was an episode

that just several people forgot to do until Isfahan picked up the slack. Yay. So this will be bringing back the comedy of February of this year. So it'll be a look through the past. Readers from February, assemble! In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear.

I randomly danced on the street, and I liked it. Bunny bread! The alpha male. Positive traits. Charming. Good-looking. Powerful. Negative traits. Sleazy. Aggressive. Bunny bread-esque. Vortex! Like, oh my god, your karate kicked me in the uterus. Can I blowjob your rocket? John? I'll be your boot-licking mangina white knight for the evening.

And Lemon. A creep is a person who exhibits behavior that is considered repulsive to others. Wait a minute, honey. I'm gonna add it up. Add it up. Add it up. Add it up. Add it up.

Add it up. Add it up. Add it up. Add it up. Add it up. Add it up. I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, John, do you want to explain love shyness to us, please? I guess. I'm too shy, though. Oh, you can do it. Why not be able to? Get over it, pussy.

As a woman, I don't respect you for that. So what is love shyness? Okay. Well, first, we got a few questions So what is love shyness? Okay. Well, first we got a few questions. What is love shyness? And are you love shy? What is involuntary celibacy or incel? And are you incel?

Ask your doctor about incel. Nope. Short answer, it's datelessness. Yay! It's romantic and experience and extreme difficulty forming romantic relationships

if you want to cut to the chase and discuss your problem discuss your problem excuse me head over to the love shy forum

if you have further questions read on so do you guys have further questions no I'm good I'm depressed does this really have to be a thing

alright we're done you got what I came here for. I mean, you not having a difficulty getting laid, does that really have to be a thing? Well, yeah. It's worth making a whole site about it. I have a question, actually.

Sure. How do I know if I'm love-shy? Well, if you came to this site looking for answers as a dateless person, then you have come to the right place. If you're here, you're at the right place. Loveshiness, simply put, is the inability of a person to participate in the normal

sexual processes that everyone around him or her can easily engage in. The loveshy individual typically finds themselves shut out of normal socio-sexual interactions. That's not a term. Weren't invited to the orgy.

Socio and also sexual, as opposed to the sexual relationships that aren't socio. The socio-sexual interactions are like when you're at an orgy and you've run out of condoms and you gotta go, you know, make chums with some of the other people there and see if you can...

So you're just kind of averting their gaze. Can I have a cup? Hey man, you got a light? I mean, a jimmy hat? Fidgeting naked is probably extra awkward. Yeah, but you know what to do with your hands then. Just kind of looking down, jerking off,

being like, you know... Alright, so what traits would I have that would point me out as being love-shy? Well, if any one of these applies to you, you can be considered love-shy. Okay. So, bullet point one, an extreme difficulty obtaining romantic partners

to the point of not being able to obtain any at all. That's difficulty. Extreme anxiety, awkwardness, and difficulty relating to romantic courtship situations, like asking someone out. Okay. Generalized

social anxiety that inhibits your potential and limits your ability to thrive. So many words for being a social retard. Let's see. There's also lack of friends, or a small number of close friends, and difficulty forming friendships with people. God damn it. Okay.

We're just getting more and more broad here. Do you need food? If you prefer a few close friends, you may be horrifically broken. A lack of interest in forming friendships and social interactions with the only real desire being that of obtaining a partner. I don't want to talk to you, but I do want to fuck you! Yeah, that's pretty much how it is for me. Yeah. And then also, finally, a feeling of being left out and alienated from society and people in general.

We're still zooming out here. You have a lack of interest in forming friendships. But you feel left out. Somehow. I'm no good at forming friendships. I don't even want to form friendships. Why does nobody like me? Can't everyone just come to me and tell me how awesome I am?

Fuck society. Well, these are all the characteristics that describe love shies, and I just want to point out love, and that is capitalized, so it's like a term now. It's like the term they use for themselves, the love shies. A person need not meet all of these criteria

to be considered love shy in its distilled definition. Love shyness is simply extreme anxiety and difficulty related to opposite or appropriate sex interactions. So I don't need to match all of those really really specific things that you listed. That's good. That's good.

Because nobody could. So there's a bunch of different sections that they have their own wiki. Of course. And so it goes through the concept of incel and just basically more words. Then they talk about Poo-as

and their own stance. Spoiler, they're against it, surprisingly. Already much more likable than the Poo-as. Then they whine about the friend zone for a while but then Montreth found a delightful piece called the fuck off signal

yay I'm just saying I really hate when I'm driving and I get that no it's like a giant yellow spotlight in the sky but it's a bat flipping you off yeah yeah just No, it's like a giant yellow spotlight in the sky, but it's a bat flipping you off. Yeah. Yeah, just... Boots, will you tell us about the fuck-off signal, please?

Yes, I will tell you about the fuck-off signal. Okay, good. Thank you. A fuck-off signal is a sign of rejection. Sure. An automatic indicator of disinterest, usually expressed through body language or nonverbal behavior. Sure. Fuck-off signals are especially insidious as they constitute a rejection of the person offering, before even allowing that person a full chance to approach.

Okay, so... Oh, that's unfair. You're not interested in me just because I'm wearing a Naruto costume. I didn't even give you a chance to know me. Why would you think I would be wearing a Naruto costume? Just because you met my B.O. radius before you met

me doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Women should always be open to the idea of having sex with any dude that just approaches them. Exactly! Don't prejudge you, stupid whore! They're doing you a favor. A love-shy or incel who is repeated subject

of fuck-off signals will usually suffer nearly interminably long bouts of depression until their datelessness is resolved. As if that'll fix it. I'm picturing I'm just picturing this story behind this, like, one, ugly-ass nerd just bouncing around a bar like a pinball, and every time he reaches a girl, just flip off.

Every time he bounces, he's just going, walk up, flip off, aww, walk up, flip off, aww. Eventually, tilt is seen above his head. Pretty much. Ding, ding, ding. Oh, God. Examples. Yeah, ding, ding, ding. Oh, God. Examples. Yeah, good. While the intensity

of a fuck-off signal can be truly understood by those who experience it, the concept is not difficult to explain. No, it says... Some examples are illustrated. Oh, I had no problem

dealing with that. That was only a level eight. She's just flipping off with both hands, screaming, go away! Susan, you're right next to me. Flip him off for me. I want to get a 3-1 in here.

There you go. Is it too late to point to strong? I guess so. The fuck off to... Wait, shouldn't that be fucked off? Nope. It's like Surgeon General. Don't you start infusing some real English here now. No, it's like Surgeon General.

Right. Okay. The fuck-offed looks in a fuck-offer's direction. Nice. The fuck-offer gives a fuck-off look. Okay, so... Wait, but fuck-off looks in the fuck-offer's... No, see, here.

The fuck-offed goes over to the fuck-offer and asks for a fuck-offer, but the fuck-offer tells the fuck-off to fuck off. That's a problem. This contains the phrase fuck-offer in it, and that's very confusing to me. Yeah, maybe it should be like fuck-offerizer or something. The fuck-off.

It's like the fuck-officer. Fucker-offer, yeah. This seems like if Vaudeville allowed cursing, this is what it would be like. So, I hear you made a fuck-off-er yesterday. Oh, I got a fuck-off-er, but I got fucked off by the fuck-off-er. Man, that was a real fuck-off, wasn't it?

Wow, you must have been fucked off by that. Are there so many offs you can fuck in a day? All I want to know is fucks on first. Oh, no. Third base, fuck-off. What other examples are there? Okay. The fuck-off starts talking to a fuck-offer, and the fuck-offer

is disinterested, giving one-word replies. Another example, the fuck-offed goes near a fuck-offer and the fuck-offer turns away from the fuck-offed as if repulsed. As if repulsed.

They somehow do a really convincing act. Whoa, she's good, man. She's quite the actress. But I know. Do you guys need another example? Yeah, totally. I think so. I really don't grasp this whole fucking.

Just to get the point across. The fucked off, sorry, the fuck off starts talking to the fuck off-er, and instead of responding, the fuck off-er starts talking to other fucks. Well, if it walks like a fuck and talks like a fuck,

chances are... I think the thing that I like about this is that we started off with the love-shy person. If you guys keep doing this, if you women keep telling us to fuck off, we're going to be really depressed. It's your fault.

Then we'll just stay in and you won't have to deal with it. We will have you. So Boots. All right. So do you guys want me, the voice of loveshy.com slash wiki, to teach you about how to deal with this? Yes, please. My God, I feel terribly fuck-offed. I got fuck-offed recently, please. I feel terribly fuck-offed. I got fuck-offed recently.

No, you were the fuck-offed. You got fucked off. Okay. Oh, well, then I think we're happy. That happened to me. I don't know what to do about it. Do you have coping mechanisms you can teach me? Yes, what to do.

What to do. When one receives a fuck-off, my voice is totally different than it was the way I started this. That's pretty standard to F+. Yeah, that is. When one receives a fuck-off signal, it's best to move on. Oh, okay. That was simple enough.

If one wants to be certain that they did not misread the signal, they may continue pursuing... Go away! Yeah, I'm not really understanding. If signs of disinterest continue, however, did not misread the signal, they may continue pursuing. Go away! If signs of disinterest continue, however, it is best to discontinue pursuit and move on to greener pastures. That's not actually so bad.

What if somebody needs to write a Wikipedia article saying if a woman's not interested in you, stop talking to her. Man, you... To be fair... I believe Vortex has dealt with... Oh, I'm 53rd try. Look, I've seen a lot of 80s movies where all I have to do is cover her entire house in roses

and kidnap her dog and kill her family and she'll come around. All right, that encounter didn't go well, but if I re-roll, maybe I can get a critical. That's why you need a quick save and quick reload. I have more advice on this. What shouldn't I do if I get fuck-offed? One should not misinterpret

neutral signals as disinterest. Neutral in the sense that they do not appear to be signs of active disinterest. If, however, definite signs of disinterest are not present, one should not continue pursuit. This could result in social condemnation or, in rare cases, sexual harassment charges.

Not that I speak from experience. Rare. Sure. Rare. A love interest who is genuinely open will not sabotage his or her interest by being overly resistant. What? If there is excessive resistance, it means the person is not interested. So what to do and what not to do are the same thing.

Is that right? We just read all this shit correctly? Yes. Like, stop. And by the way, stop. To be fair. And don't continue. That shows more knowledge of the female mind than

Roosh. If she says go away, that means just jump on me right now. And if she says jump on me right now, literally jump on her. That's how you get a piggyback ride. In 2013.

Bunny bread. Bunny bread. Literally jump on her. That's how you get a piggyback ride. He said he worked with Bud. Bunny Bread. Will you tell me about Bad Boys, please? Oh my god. I've been waiting for this moment all my life. Well, as the leader of the chess club and head of the church choir, I don't know of any Bad Boys myself.

However, in a wonderful world where bad boys exist, a bad boy is a type of man who is highly sexually attractive to women due to his carefree, no-holds-barred, unrepentantly dangerous attitude. No? If the cigarette's under his sleeve from Marlboro, he's a tough guy. If they're cool, he's not. Alright, alright, alright.

Typically, a bad boy has the clothing and social scene to match. He may be physically attractive, though this is not a requirement. Of course. I don't know where his confidence came from otherwise, but yeah. I love, hi, I live dangerously. I'm a bad boy. You see my smoke as well? I'm probably going to be dead before I'm 30.

Where's your pussy wet? My rascal has 350 horsepower. You see the flames that I painted on the side? Fat greasers. That's awesome. has 350 horsepower. You ever see the flames that I painted on the side? We used to have a doo-wop group, but we couldn't get it through a whole song. Alright, alright. We own this part of Walmart. They don't need pomade. It's just naturally that way. It's actually just burger grease, yeah.

That's what I think. Variations. Bad boys come in many different shapes and sizes they range from bikers to rock stars to professional athletes to actors with an edge the edges that they're gay they may range from a reasonably clean and legal to outright unsavorably... Wait, what did... Reasonably clean and legal, so how are they even bad boys at that point? Like, they may range from Boy Scouts who don't do anything wrong

to serial killers. Well, they don't help old ladies across the street, so they're not... No, I figured it out. It's that women all love guys who are awful, because women are stupid, right? We're in agreement there. Yeah, Stupid. So if you see a woman dating, like, a really successful lawyer, you know, who's really

clean cut and really, you know, just perfect. Yeah. Clearly that guy is an asshole because the woman is with him. Well, if he's a lawyer. You already said lawyer. Probably, yeah. All right, Buddy, what else you got? Sorry, they may range from reasonably clean and legal to outright unsavory,

such as prisoners, drug dealers, and gang members. What? So a bad boy is defined as, like, the lead guy in, like, a gang from, like, an after-school special or something? Yeah, the ones that are forcing marijuana on the poor children. Yeah, the guy who walks up to the good guy is like, Hey, have you ever heard of, do you want to try out having sex it's good i got ladies here they love me because they're dumb i'm a rock star biker with an edge also a lawyer female attraction the female attraction to bad

boys can be explained by the need to sate urges for danger and unpredictability of bad boy. Yeah, the evolutionary impulse towards danger makes perfect sense. It's why pelicans are always sticking their head into gator mouths. Oh, you look like you could give me herpes.

A bad boy often does not care what others think, and does things on his own schedule, permitting little interference. This, combined with the danger he provides, causes women to chase him relentlessly. Like Benny Hill! Yeah, I was just saying that shit. Yakety Sax is often heard in the background. Shit. Yakety sax is often heard in the background. An ability to do whatever one wants, even breaching etiquette or societal norms with little consequence,

signals the high-quality genes of an alpha male. Wait, I'm about to bring animals back in it. The deep reptilian hindbrain of a female is magnetically drawn to this. Sure. Sure. Right. Chicks be lizards. Yeah. Female salamanders are super attracted to rude male salamanders.

Salamanders aren't reptiles. Oh, for fuck's sake. Quit being a dumbass. You're like a woman over here. Goddamn. Controversy. Personalities are split on the significance of the bad boy phenomenon in attracting women. Personalities also don't exist.

Wait, wait. It has a link and therefore must exist. More feminist opposed personalities claim that a large percentage of women will go for bad boys, often to their own detriment, while leaving those lacking dark triad genes out in the cold. So the black guys that join the triads don't ever get the pussy. Sure. Yep. Forget the pussy. Sure. Yep.

Okay. Feminist friendly personalitists dispute this as an example of a hyperbole, claiming that while women may be attracted to bad boys, they rarely act on such attraction, especially as they age. They claim that most women learn quickly to avoid such men, as they are usually bad news. Meanwhile, women will often dispute the claim that women as a whole see bad boys as attractive. Yes. So all of women will dispute that all of women say this.

This is a well-sourced article. The sources are like every movie ever made, I guess. These are the things I thought. I will type now. Wait, wait, wait. Well, if you make up bullshit scientists that agree with you or say things, then you can just say anything you want. These are the things I thought. Did anybody click on personalities? I will type now. Wait, wait, wait. Well, if you make up bullshit scientists that agree with you or say things, then you can just say anything you want. Did you say bullshit scientists?

Hang on, hang on. Luxists often dispute. That's right, luxists. I'm glad you used that word. I'm going back to school to make that one my degree. Often dispute the notion of a bad boy attraction as nonsense. Citing myriad examples of good-looking guys with decent personalities who have little problem with women. They will often

claim that a person who is a bad boy can do so because he is good-looking and would otherwise not be taken seriously. This is despite evidence that many bad boys are overweight and otherwise physically unattractive. Those are called Pooas. No, again, that doesn'tive. Those are called P.U.A.S.

No, again, that doesn't work. This is despite evidence that many bad boys are overweight and otherwise physically attractive. You'll just have to imagine this evidence, because it doesn't exist. It's not here. It's never seen. Don't look at the author's photo, please! Yeah, the evidence presented

most James Bond movies. Point out, will you please. Yeah, the evidence presented most James Bond movies. Point out, will you please explain to me the... I just don't understand the female brain. We were talking about their reptilian hindbrain, which seemed interesting. I just don't understand the different tiers of the female brain. Okay, so I'm a girl. I'm going to tell you how my brain works.

Hey. Yeah. Thanks. Finally. Finally. I love girl voice. I love dumb girl voice. I'm a dumb slut.

So. Yay. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been waiting to hear that, girl. All right, so this is the Tared Attraction Theory. Sure. I'm assuming he's trying to say tired, but put an E in there.

The Tared Attraction Theory is an attempt to explain the complexities of female attraction distilled into three tiers of mental structure. The reptilian, the mammalian, and the neocortical. I'm sorry, I can't read because I'm a girl. Yeah, girl. Stay stupid, baby. It is original to the love-shy compost Lycos.

Alright, so that's like copyright and shit. So Disney's going to come after us. A search engine from 1992. Finally, we got some evidence on these articles. One guy on a forum wrote it. Lycos said it. His dick's got a forum wrote it. I could have said it. His dick's got a brain in it.

Anyway, this is the tears of instruction. This is the reptilian level. The reptilian hindbrain of a woman is the most primitive animal part. Retained ancestrally over many generations of progenitor species. That is not how evolution works. Sorry, I'm a girl. I don't know what that is. Shut up.

Yeah. It is attracted to raw physical power and dominance. A man who has large musculature, behaves aggressively, or wins a fight stimulates female hybrid attraction. It's true. You know those big, giant gorilla guys that beat the shit out of people for no reason? I'm right here, poor Tex. Yeah.

That's who you're talking about. Fuck so much. It's so great. So, now, you were wondering about the mammalian level. I was. Not really. That's too bad, because we're going to talk about the mammalian level. Oh, okay.

Yeah. That sounds more exciting. Why do women like men? I'm a mammalian. So the next level of female attraction is the mammalian level. A man who can lead a large number of people and has a large number of physical skills, such as an ability to hunt and provide for young or play music, attracts a woman on the mammalian level.

Wait, what? So a good spearsman and a good flutist are sort of on par in this one. You can use the flute to sort of... If you use that big gooey thinky meat in your head, I don't get it. Nerds are stupid. Nyat, his physical appearance

also increases attraction on a mammalian level. That has nothing to do with the mammalian level we're talking about. I was getting confused. What about the mammalians? Yeah, there was a long battle between the mammalians and the mammalians. They don't like to talk about it. So basically, if you're like the school president, but also like a superhero gorilla. Shut up, nerd.

Neocarticle level. The highest level of female attraction is that of the neocartex. Ooh, the highest level. So I can like get experience points and rank up to this? Yeah. I'm a level 58 dragoon, asshole. Modern societies are much more powerful than any individual man, and even the most

powerful men are moderately submissive to the system. Oh, system, plug it in my ass. Come on, I need it. What in the world are you talking about? Nothing. Never mind. A man's ability with language and his ability to maximize

resource allocation and social connections in the system increases the female's attraction to him on a neocortical level. Yeah, bitch, I got 500 likes on Facebook! That's right. Wait, so what the fuck? Okay, so

on a mammalian level, if he's able to lead people and supply you, then he's more attractive. In neocortical, if you use bigger words to say the same thing, then that's where that attraction goes. That's why I fucked that guy from Penny Arcade. This is where the attraction to intelligence and commonalities in higher Brian function play in. Who is the king of Brians? Hello. Hello, I am higher Brian.

He's quite the Brian I hear. Brian is the superhero gorilla that I fuck all the time. I am able to maximize resource allocation. Have sex with me. I am higher Brian. Brian from on high. Excuse me, I'm a well-known Brian surgeon. Thank you.

Oh my god, my mouth is like magnetically attracted to your tech right now. That's so weird. Woman, I have a question for you. Are all women level 58 dragoons? No, some of them are white mages.

Okay. Yeah. That's all I have. Okay, so I'm gonna allow you To pick what happens next There are two different articles That I could read The first URL is www.love-shy.com

Slash Lswiki Slash Pussy on the pedestal Ooh Okay Okay Wait

What's the next one? Your other option is www.love-shy.com slash lswiki slash poopingpants. Oh, man, dude. I wish we could combine the two. Oh, God. Pooping in her pussy. See, I was expecting dick on a plant.

Dick in a ditch. So essentially this is a choice between front or back. Okay. I go front. Pussy on a pedestal? I go front. Yeah, pussy. I like saying that.

Because I love that Cinemax movie. It's really good. Alright, pussy on a pedestal. This children's book is awful. How did this ever get published? Once there was a... Oh, no, we can't read this. Oh, no.

Every page is this. Oh, God. Why did they illustrate it? Just flipping through a parent's face, just getting more and more rough on it. Miss Dawson, a local third grade teacher, was fired today after bringing her own book into class. Okay, so this is the article on pedestalizing or pedestalizing. I'm going to say pedestalizing.

Well, mammalians really like pedestalizing. This is pedestalizing. It was redirected from Pussy on a Pedestal. Pedestalizing or putting pussy on the pedestal is the act of placing women above oneself

as opposed to on a level equal position. Uh-huh, equal, sure. Yeah, not doing that. It can be used both to describe unnecessary elevation of a woman in one's mind and male defending female behavior that a woman does not deserve. The two categories of pedestalization can overlap

with the same men exhibiting both. Okay, so this isn't a literal interpretation that it's just easier to give cunnilingus this way. Like putting the... Oh, can we go to the inventor spot right now and put that on there? See, if you do that, it's easier to look up or dress. But you read something wrong here, Lemon, because it says with the same man exhibiting both.

So we've got to find this guy and show him this article. There's this one asshole. His name is Steve. Okay, as infatuation behavior, putting pussy on the pedestal describes a tendency for men to... Wait, what the hell? Why did I type that again? Why did I type this exact same sentence

again? Maybe it's because you're from the island of Misfit Pua. Nobody likes a pussy in the bottom. That's not true. A lot of people like pussy in the bottom. Oh, that's true. You got a point. Schrodinger's pussy. Rakin and Bastin show that part of the island.

Okay, so the sentence I said before I said again, and then this irrational behavior creates many problems, including one-itis. Fall back to a very early episode. Yeah. And a destroyed sense of attraction in the woman. Oh, so if you like a woman, then you become less attracted to her. No, I think it's if they idolize...

No, no, do it in the girl voice. Do it in the girl voice. Sorry, if they idolize women and the women don't have sex with them, they're gonna be fucked off. Okay. Yeah, sure. Thank you, every South Park character. Most women are not attracted to men who prostrate themselves as it is not how their instincts are wired to respond i know how to deal with women you just gotta punch him in the tits

my god thank you so much for punching me in the tits all right we're all doing girl voice for punching me in the tits. All right, we're all doing girl voice for the rest of the routine, right? It's like a kinetic ball thing. It's just a really weird executive toy. I had the sandbox, but it didn't really do much for me. Pedestalization need not be overt. It can happen subtly, and a man with little sexual experience very likely will be oblivious to his behavior.

Simple pedestalization behaviors like excessive gratitude, obedience, and apologizing. Sorry for hitting your car. Oh, God, I was gonna fuck you, but... Excessive gratitude. Hey, I made you a sandwich! That's right, you did. Thank you so much for existing and talking to me. Oh, God, you have a vagina. That that's awesome she has a good boy voice too

anyway that can easily go unnoticed but it will be very noticeable by the woman who is the recipient of them sure let's that's the thing about women is that like when you pay them like compliments and attention they're like oh god i don pay them compliments and attention, they're like, oh, God, I don't know. Compliments and attention. I don't like that so much. I really love. They're not punching him in the tits. They like a bad boy who's super fat and a gorilla who shoots laser beams out of his eyes and punches her in the tits.

I think your hair looks nice today. Ew, I can't believe you said that. Says all women. Sexual harassment. Yeah. You know, this is going to be really nerdy,

but it's just, this really reads like in every game or something where there's like an alien species and like there's a little portion of it talking about it.

Every article on this reads like that. It's like, these strange creatures known as women. That's my book. They will not, if you give them gratitude,

they will not reply in kind. So this guy played Mass Effect a whole bunch, and then he wrote this, right? Yes. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I'm probably not wrong. That's the sad thing. Anyway, doing all those things, like, you know, interacting with them as though they

are persons of the same species in a society you also belong to. Who the fuck would do that? She will easily see that the man has little sexual experience and is displaying signs of weakness. And then she will strike you. Once you come inside of a woman, you get really rude. Well, yeah, some of us do, sure. After this episode, I'm going to be holding workshops on how to properly respond to a woman who opens a door for you. I'll give you a little sneak preview.

Okay. Do this. It's true true We love it Portek stop giving Boots a hand job You first She may even believe that he is Attempting to hide his ulterior motives. This all ruins

female sexual attraction. And I know a lot about ruining female sexual attraction. Ken, that'll be enough. I've never experienced this, so I know all about it. Okay, so loveshy.com

it has its sort of initial, you know, like regular page site thing. It also has a wiki, but it also has forums. Yay. Wait, are we not going to do the poop thing, though? What? No, no, I gave you a choice. It was either pussy on pedestal. Oh, come on.

Boots. Boots good. Let me just ask you a choice. It was either Pussy on a Pedestal or Whoopie Pants. Oh, come on. Boots. Boots good. So let me just ask you a question. What are women? This should be simple. What's the deal with women? Oh, dear. We just don't know.

Women are a problem. We didn't say that they weren't. Okay. I'm Mirror. Let me explain. Yes, please. Women are just as responsible for love shyness as the man who is love shy. Sure.

First of all, many women are cowards. Yeah. Yep. Okay. Humans are afraid of the unknown. When a girl meets a man who is shy, she can't read him. He is therefore categorized as unknown. Okay.

Because of this, we have an automatic fear response that translates to, This guy is a creepy weirdo. Wait a minute. I'm just doing it, yeah. She thinks I'm a creepy weirdo because she doesn't know anything about me. Right, yeah. You see, there's a real big difference between, like, a cave that you haven't gone into that's just a normal cave. It's like, oh, that's unknown. To, like, a cave that you haven't gone into that's just a normal cave.

It's like, oh, that's unknown. To, oh, the cave smells like B.O. and has Naruto posters everywhere. You kind of got an idea what going into that cave will be like. You know, you can get an inkling. Yeah, but he might be an awesome person. Yeah, he might be. One time I went on a blind date, and I opened up the door, and the guy just immediately presented me with a Super Saiyan 4 Goku wall scroll. And I didn't make any snap judgments.

You know, we had to talk about this. I got this for you! He might be her soulmate. Just because he isn't readable, he's written off. Or let's say he tries to approach her, but he's nervous. All she can read of him is his nervous energy. This makes's nervous. All she can read of him is his nervous energy. This makes her nervous because of this.

She has an automatic fear response. The translator says, this guy's a creepy weirdo. He's nervous and that makes her nervous. That means it's her fault when she's nervous. Yeah, but women really only have one neurological response to anything,

don't they? It's just this guy's a creepy weirdo. If a bear jumps out, oh, this bear is a creepy weirdo. No, no. No, when a bear jumps out, their response is, oh, my God, this guy Mirror is a creepy weirdo. Why do I keep thinking about this asshole Mirror? Oh, a bear is eating me. God damn it.

No, no, no, no, no. When a bear jumps out, a woman goes, oh, this bear is so big and strong, I'm suddenly very arrested. Yeah, sort of at a reptilian level. Are you an actor on the edge, bear? Yes. Secondly, many women are users. Many women.

Many women are users. What do all women have in common? Vaginas. I was right? They're people. They're human beings with their own thoughts and emotions and hopes and dreams, and they're all individuals. No, no, vaginas. I was right? They're people. They're human beings with their own thoughts and emotions and hopes and dreams and they're all individuals. No, no. Vaginas. I said it. I said it. I got it.

I get the points this round. They crave male attention. With their vaginas? Yeah. Something to do with their daddies or something. Thank you, Mr. Mirror Freud. Even lesbians? I honestly, I looked away and thought you were riffing and he actually wrote that.

That's amazing. Yeah. Oh, man. But every girl wants to be treated like a princess by a man. Sure. Every girl. Lesbians don't exist. They also want to find a rich man, a badass man, or a man like Edward from Twilight.

However, sometimes they come across a man who isn't rich, isn't badass, or isn't Edward from Twilight. Sometimes. Occasionally. Yeah. But he's a man. And he treats her like a princess. And that's male attention. He pays for her meals when they go out. He doesn't complain when she drunk dials his number at 2 a.m. He brings her chicken soup and she has the flu.

He'll back up her dog from the groomers. He's acting like a friend. What a fucking beta. Yeah. Isn't he kind of putting her up on a pedestal or something? I've heard about this. So she'll keep him around to feed her ego until a rich badass Edward from Twilight comes along. Oh, good.

I was wondering where we were going with this. I was like, oh, hey, this is the makings of a healthy relationship. Oh, never mind. Yeah, then all of a sudden, he was just a friend. And that's when she'll start acting shocked and surprised when he gets upset over it. But we were just friends, she pouts.

He didn't declare his intentions and said that he liked her or anything. And all of a sudden, she assumes that they're friends. Also, a lot of you guys, when women are saying to you, we were just friends, it's their way of saying, but we were, and I was trying to ignore you. I wasn't actually friends with you.

You're very ugly. Also, if you're just being friends with a woman just so she can have sex with you, it's just like, gee, I'm putting coins in the slot here eventually. It doesn't matter that it says out of order. I just keep putting these coins. I wanted Dr. Vagina, but I got diet rejection. So the guy feels bad, apologizes, and sticks around

because all she does is bitch about her rich, badass vampire boyfriend. True enough. Because maybe then she'll give him a chance. I think Robert Pattinson got bored and wanted to fuck with a nerd and this is what happened. You be his friend, I'll act like I'm your boyfriend now.

He'll just get really mad every time we see him. It'll be hilarious. Thirdly, many women have low self-esteem and don't feel they deserve a nice guy. Uh-huh. Yeah, perfect example. This is going to be perfect. Okay. Okay.

My friend Charlene, she had a sweet fiance. Sweet! Treated her well. Even though she had kids with another guy, asked her to marry him. She was abused as a kid. What? When she was little, she was raped. Okay.

She hates herself. When everything was going well for her, she instinctively feels that it is wrong. So what did she do? She cheated on her fiancé. Ooh. She now has a living boyfriend who won't pay rent, is mean to her children, and controls her every move to the point of telling her what she's allowed to wear. See what I mean?

Perfect. What? Wait, what I mean? Perfect. What? That is a perfect example. Okay, what the hell did that have to do with anything? That's a sad story. Mirror got dumped by her. Also, that was the previous chick in the other example and the one in the first.

He's really got it bad for Charlene. This isn't about me. Oh, okay. Sorry. Since she's that guy's friend, that means she will eventually have sex with him, right? Yep. That's how it works. Lucky you. That's why I'm keeping you boys as friends.

Yeah. It's not just the love shyness that can stop a guy from getting love. It takes two to tango. And the world is full of messed up men and women. I can say this because I'm a woman. What? She was Charlene the whole time. Oh, my God.

Sixth Sense. Oh, who's that walking through the door? It's M. Night Shyamalan. Mind blown. Consider, if you will. That's now my favorite own woman voice. Bunny Bright, if you'll take Cenobites.

The core problem is this. It is acceptable to be introspective, quiet, and thoughtful if you are a girl. It is not acceptable if you are a boy. That's true. That's why there's no male scientists.

That's right. Or computer programmers. Mathematicians. That's why there's no male scientists. That's right. Or computer programmers. Mathematicians. That's why boys are always encouraged to talk all the time. I am not interested in sport. Just the one. I'm interested in all the others. Soap operas.

Shitty dance music. I love terrible dance music on the other hand. Trendy clothes. Flash cars. The latest smartphone. Big Brother. The X Factor. Which celebrity is cheating on who?

I'd just like to point out this post was written on 11th of June 2012. Big Brother, the X Factor. I assume that's what people outside that big scary door in my house are watching. Well, and also,

I don't understand this list, because are boys supposed to be interested in sports and soap operas? And The X Factor? Yes. Yeah, guys love The Big Brother. I mean, shit. Sure. And General Hospital. All right. We're celebrating Yeah, guys love the Big Brother. I mean, shit. And General Hospital.

All right. We're celebrities cheating all the time. Binge drinking and smoking the weed. I am intelligent, reserved, articulate, and highly moral. Okay. Sure, I believe it. Why not? In short, I do not belong in Hotel This Society.

People who don't smoke weed don't belong in society? Yep. Yeah. Right. You know, I've stayed at the I do not belong in, and it really wasn't that bad. That's where Jesus was born, I thought. It's kind of an Iceland Greenland kind of thing. Were it not for my knees,

I would pack some survival gear, some weapons, and head north as far as I could physically get. And then afterwards, I'd get emotionally even further, I suppose. Yeah, just geographical North Pole. And then I'd get emotionally even further, I suppose. Yeah, just geographical North Pole.

And then I jump up as far as I could. I'd be even norther than that. What is that? That's pretty ominous, considering his sig there. What's your signature? Our day is coming! Expect no mercy

when it does. For we have been shown none. I'm familiar with this character. Cinnabite is the first to get eaten by a zombie. Yeah. I like Cinnabite and then his little, I don't know, his little motto or whatever, whatever the hell it is. It's Hulk smash. I don't like Big Brothers and drinking but I like comic books and horror movies.

I'm so much better than everyone. Okay, so we're going to do a post here on OkCupid. Oh, wow. We're going to skip past the OP which is just Oh, yeah. Just're going to skip past the OP, which is just, you know. Oh, yeah. Just look at the avatar there.

Right, exactly. Just somebody who watched Falling Down a thousand times and doesn't understand why you can't find a date. We're going to skip down to Aoyuznuth2002. That's you, John. Okay. Okay. I am Slap My Hand my hand on the keyboard 2002. I did OkCupid for a little while.

I got a few responses from women, and at first I was really excited, but I never got a date out of it. I did get a girl who agreed to go have a cup of coffee. I felt great about this, but she canceled the next day. I think she was nervous. I mean, I was nervous, but she really didn't have to cancel. Okay. Yeah, we're gonna, yeah, it was her that was nervous. I didn't have no problem. I mean, I'm fucking confident as hell. When I showed her all

the wiki articles I wrote on this site, she suddenly didn't want to go anymore. Weird. Anyway, I thought I had a good response rate, but then when I added up the numbers, I found that my response rate was significantly lower than most males. It was way lower, in the bottom 5%.

Omega. I'm just not that desirable in the dating game. I believe this is what they call sexual market value. No, saying things like sexual market value is what brings down your sexual market value. You unbelievably uncharismatic fuck. This is the guy from the OkCupid episode that BunnyBread read with the

gun fetish. I wonder what my sexual market value is. Let me open up the sexual stocks. Ooh, I'm way down today. I'm below average height. I'm 30 years old. I'm unemployed, I'm way down today. I'm below average height. I'm 30 years old. I'm unemployed. I live with my parents and I weigh about 280 pounds.

Hmm. I wonder what the issue could be. I wonder why supermodels aren't flocking to my I think it's the t-shirts you wear then. Yeah, yeah, that's it. And those are the things in his pro column. Something I'll never admit. Yeah, I think that's the entirety of his profile.

So who's down? It's just that and then call me. I think the most important thing is that I'm 30 years old and unemployed. You're right there.

That's pretty good. That's a good start. Men who are over the age of 22 and make less than $50,000 a year have a significantly lower response rate. To me, this shows that most women are completely unrealistic.

I mean, $50,000 a year is well within the top half of income distribution. Yet women all expect men aged 22 and over, which is really young, to make more than that. It's ridiculous. No, they don't. They're getting a lot of responses from individual women. That doesn't mean each woman who sees that says, oh, this guy's got his life together. He's really successful. I'm going to respond to him. At no

point does it say, hey, a gestalt entity, a woman, a fucking Katamari of breasts and vaginas cannot come together and say, oh, you know what? All men need to make this much. Otherwise, no deal.

That did not fucking happen. Oh, hang on. Let me summon the woman collective. Just a bunch of talking tits and vaginas speaking in chorus. Fucking girl. Tit Voltron. Blow the vagina horn.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Fucking tit Voltron. Blow the vagina horn. The data also show that women consider 80% of men to be less than average in attractiveness. This is not data compiled from a hot or not type of site, but rather data carefully compiled by the owners of the OKCupid site and published on their blog. I see no reason to doubt the integrity of the data. I got to interrupt for just a second. As Newsth2002, every time you meet a woman, do you immediately jump into the statistics of everything? Sure. Okay.

Never mind. That was the only question I had. Thank you. Statistics can't stand me up at a Starbucks. That's true. That's true. I can't get laid despite making $50,000 a year. I bet if I make more than $50,000 a year, I'll get laid all the time.

The minute you hit 50,001, women go, oh, God. I'm really aroused, and I don't know why. Pussy sends tingling. I've got to find him. Anyway, my current plan is to go back to school and get a degree, then get a job that makes more than $50,000 a year. Oh, okay, then. Well, there we go.

As soon as you go to the school, you're already halfway there, so it's a fucking two-step process, apparently. Just walks up to the counter like a community college. Get me the $50,000 a year degree, please. Oh, okay. I didn't know you wanted that. All right, let me look in the back. Oh, there we are.

Yes. I'm sure I'll have a better response rate once I have a good job. I'm purely interested in jobs from this degree. I've been talking to the undergraduate advisors in many degree programs, and I'll go for one that has the best job prospects. This is all very interesting. Hey, professor! Why don't you give me

some of that sweet pussy? No, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. The last sentence. What kind of pussy? You want the 25 grand pussy or the 50 grand pussy? The last sentence.

Oh, my God. If you guys have any ideas for a major, I'd be very interested. Women's studies. Women's studies. Yeah, a whole site built and devoted to talking about guys who can't get dates. Tell me the best major so I can get a date.

Get a job. So he has no idea what he actually wants to do. He can't think of any interest of his own whatsoever. But he figures, hey, I'll just pick the one that girls like. Shut up. Some of us do that. Also, if you're going to play Hangman, you should really pick E before O. Sorry.

Boots, you are Shadow Self, further down on the page. I'm Shadow Shelf. Sure. Some of you guys on this side are pretty picky for being so desperate. age. I'm shadow shelf. Sharky. Yeah. Some of you guys on the site are pretty picky for being so desperate. It's not like you'd have to find someone to marry. It's just a date, of course.

I'm too shy to put a picture up and create a profile in the first place. But if I wasn't, by golly, I'd go out with the fattest, most bisexual attention-whoring femtard on the site. Nice. The most bisexual.

If you're like one man that's made of two men, and you've got like several dicks like an iguana, I'm even more into that. Do iguanas really have multi-dicks? Yes. Holy shit. You just have to be super bisexual. All times you have to be holding a dick and a vagina in either hand

and just yelling the whole time. Okay. My name is Too Drunk to Explain, and I am a horrible douchebag. Oh my god! To use the term equitably and accurately,

I am a huge cunt. Boy, am I a cunt. I'm going to ask permission not to look at the screen while you read this. Jesus. A fat, ugly woman is interested in me. No! Oh my God.

Kill her. Kill her. Sorry. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. Here's a link. This is the woman who finally emailed me to tell me she thought I was interested. I was interested. She thought I was interested.

And wanted to get to know more about me. The real sad thing is how much time I spent staring at that picture, trying to convince myself that I could get attracted to her once I got to know her. But the truth is, I just can't! Wait, wait a minute! So if a woman gives the fuck-off signal immediately, it's her fault? Because she didn't take the time to get to know you? Correct. But here we have a guy who says, I'm immediately turning this woman down.

Wait, wait, wait, no, no, he tried to convince himself that he could get attracted to her. So he did his part, didn't he? Sorry, I forgot. There we go. That's my girl. This is on her hands. And this isn't the first time this sort of instance has happened. Whatever happened to mutual attraction?

Why can't i find this our eyes met in that chat room it was as if we had known each other for a thousand years mutual attraction on internet dating sites right yes it is so hard with more people on this earth than ever before that I can find someone I'd like to go out with who likes me back. Sometimes I go around in public and see young couples and I can't help but resent them. Other people being happy makes me

angry. They actually are attracted to each other. Ugh. Not only do they find their personalities compatible, I guess that matters, but they actually get off just looking at each other. Yeah, they're just orgasming all the time. Walking through the park going, oh, oh, oh.

Staring away from each other attentively. Just a guy at a park looking around. Oh, hey, is that Jennifer? Oh, that is Jennifer. I'm going to go out with my girlfriend. I need to put my fucking horse blinders on so I don't boner myself to death. Why are you always wearing condoms, man? Just don't ask.

Call display comes up. Oh, my God. Why are incels barred from such a common experience? Why? What is that even like? Likings? What is it like to like somebody? I feel ashamed of myself because deep down, I think,

turning a woman down disqualifies me from being incel. Aww. So this isn't really about the woman at all. It's just because I don't know if I turn her down that I have no excuse for my bullshit anymore. I even got kicked out of the Losers Club. Aw, shit. But the truth is, I tried. I sometimes wish I could drink a magic potion and force

myself to be attracted to women who are attracted to me because then that would end my grief instead all it seems like i end up doing is finding someone i'm willing to settle for rather than someone i can actually like well that means you're demi-platonic goofball, squibbity-squibbity-squab. No, no. No, my name is Too Drunk to Explain and I am a huge cunt. I am a huge... So you're asking

for a magic potion that'll make you attracted to women you're normally not attracted to. And your name is Too Drunk to Explain. I think you know it already. I think you know of a magic potion that will help you out. All right. Do we have time for incel fiction? I think we do.

Incel fiction. Lemon, lemon. Okay, I'm just going to say this straight up, just for the entirety of this podcast. If you say, do we have time for blank fiction, yes. Yes, we do. Okay. That's a rule.

Good. Well, you can call me Rude Boy Boy 41. All right, so this is the fictitious dating site, a sci-fi novelette. Oh, it's a female sci-fi novel, all right. Nice. Okay, so Bunny Bread, start out and just tag out whoever you like whenever you're ready. Whenever my boner shrieks. Got it.

No, it's okay. He's reading for the rest of the episode. As long as he's looking at me, he is. There we go. The fictitious dating site. A sci-fi novelette. Fiction was set up by a group of geeks

who had finally had enough of watching their mates going out and scoring while all they had was an empty bed to look forward to at the end of every evening and consequently had to put up with an oh god, an everlasting sentence that would never, ever, ever, ever That is an excellent

you know, it's that first sentence of the fiction that really gets you hooked. Wow, yeah. This is probably the most convincing British accent we've ever done. Oh, okay. By the way, all this takes place on the planet Fict, in a universe far, far away from this one, in a completely different time, and where all the rules of physics are beyond anything comprehensible on Earth. Comprehendable, yes, yes,

yes. But nevertheless, a rough translation enables a vague tale to be told about this remarkable machine. That's a really good science fiction device to say, the shit you're gonna read makes no sense, but it totally does in the context of the story.

All done. This is a rough translation like the Star Control oars. They're like too powerful. You silly cows. Oh, no, no, no. Rude Boy's part of the alien race that writes in an infuriating passive voice in every

single fucking sentence. Fiction was set up by someone who did do something at one time. Fucking... Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. It just... This civilization on Planet Fict had just invented a complicated type of numerical device,

and the population all happened to have one each. Through a collection of wires and transmitters, they all connected up... Oh no! Oh no! Before you choked to death, tag somebody else in. Uh, Bootsy. Fiction dating

had an algorithm. It was free to join, since the algorithm couldn't guarantee to always find a match. And on the planet Fict, there were strict violent trading laws, which made it impossible to sell a Duff product. What? A bad product, I think?

Yeah. Oh, okay. It's not the beer from The Simpsons. Oh, Duffman, can't get a date. Yeah, let's just pretend it's The Simpsons shit. Let's keep doing that. In this respect, it was a horrible place to live because you could get your head chopped off if you failed to run an honest business.

Where's the dating company? So all the planet's dating businesses didn't exist. All of them. You could count them all up and realize that none of them existed. All 600 of the dating businesses. So if you go down Forest Street, you'll find Love Match, that doesn't exist. True Partners, that doesn't exist. No K-Cupid. No Cupid.

No Harmony. Plenty of no fish here. Plenty of water. Exactly. No businessman on Planet Effect had ever worked out how to sell dating at a profit, because there was no way enough customers would be satisfied with the service using traditional matching criteria.

And their knowledge of people was so limited, they didn't have a clue how to match people up. This is the character I relate to the most. Fiction worked on a trust system, like Wikipedia here on Earth. Oh, well, good. That's a good start. There were enough geeks and clever people who wanted a mate that finding people to run fiction was not a problem.

They had staff. They had technology. They had the demand. Finally, now they had the algorithm. Oh, good Lord. Oh, God, a planet where math would actually get me laid, finally. Oh, finally!

Yeah, this was the bit that was really hard to build. But there were enough geeks out there willing to build it. It was a clever algorithm. It worked on the principle that when you logged in, you didn't run through reams and reams of profiles. To hell with that. There was no need. Hey, rude boy, do you know what a fucking algorithm is?

No, but John does. Well, it was all based around the word hello. The scientists knew that if someone wanted to open a dialogue with someone else, the first word to be uttered would be hello. Yeah, those scientists studied for years and years to figure that shit out. Hello, John!

Are you trying to, I don't know, what, huh? Hello. So you're damning me to where? Why is there an O on the end of it? God, the projection on this. For years and years, this planet of scientists finally found out how to actually say hi to someone. It was an amazing breakthrough. Well, instead of saying hello millions of times to uncounted strangers, all you had to do was say hello just once.

And this hello would go out into the internet with millions of other hellos. The following sentence was going to be, how are you? After that, the primary question in everybody's minds was, who the hell am I talking to? No, my question is, what the fuck are you writing? What is going on?

Yeah, you know there's a place with millions of nerds that want dates? It's called Earth. So this algorithm could be found. They would have fucking found it by now. Well, tell you what, you guys might want to sit up and put your hands to your temples, because I'm about to blow your mind. Oh, shit.

Well, you are talking to anyone and everyone simultaneously. Okay. Go ahead. The algorithm's job was to sync everyone up in real time or in relevant time as the fictish preferred. As the conversation progressed, the numbers of people you were talking to whittled down until the conversation you were having was so unique that you were the only one talking to one another.

Usually through this algorithm, only a bade mass input could put a group of people together in one room. So this is based on the understanding that everybody's asking the exact same following questions. Like, hello, how are you? Where'd you go to college? Oh, me too. Do you know Heather? Oh, shit. Question number 14.

What is your favorite Futurama episode from season three? Question number 15. How do I get this ball out of my ass? Question number 16. How often should we have box sex once we get together? ball out of my ass. Question number 16. How often should we have buck sex once we get together? Now, obviously, people wanted to see each other's photos, but on the planet

Fict, there were strict laws about showing people their photographs. So they're Muslims. They had to be taken to special on... Stupid. I don't know why we can't They're Muslims. A lot of fat fuckers on this planet. They had to be taken to special... This world building is stupid. I don't know why we can't do this. Oh, there's a rule.

There's a rule we can't do it on this planet. Oh my god. That's how it works. Oh, I don't want everybody to have guns on this planet. There's a rule. Okay. They had to be taken by special honest photographers who were on the fiction admin team.

The entire world is a micromanaged form. Yeah. Awesome. What a utopia. They would be sent out to photograph people to guarantee their genuiness. Genuiness? Okay.

G-genuiness. It's supposed to be genuiness, but genuiness. I'm going to go with genuiness. How close they are to Whoopi Goldberg in the next movie. That's another thing with women. They always give you Guinness. Okay. Bit by bit, a member's profile would be drawn up

in order to rate their Guinness. Or Guinness, whatever. It was a very complicated algorithm and this was an extremely advanced civilization. I think Portax wants to tell us more about the civilization. Sure, because I still don't fucking understand what's going on here.

I'm sure more words will explain it. If you just throw a couple paragraphs of words at it, it'll all make sense. I'm hoping it's going to be 17 paragraphs of shitty worldbuilding, and then at the end I'll be like, so then a girl fucked me. That's what I'm hoping. No, no, no.

I'm thinking it's more like, if I've lived on this magic math planet where the world was like a forum, only then would I finally get fucked. At some stage, people were going to have to meet. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, no. Bad news. But the algorithm was so sophisticated that it held no prejudices

and never prejudiced someone's choice concerning who they wanted to meet. And of course, it worked out all the different types of people you could meet by monitoring your personality. It was as if it could almost read your mind. And of course, it couldn't read your mind. What? Of course, it couldn't read your mind, really. Right. It wasn't psychic your mind, really. Right. It wasn't psychic. No, that would be stupid. That would be terrible writing if that were

the case. No, no, no. See, no, it's much smarter than that. See, it deployed special techniques of investigation, as used by the secret services. All hail the algorithm! Unficked, the secret police were highly skilled in working out what people's personalities were to a

startling degree of accuracy using many different schools of psychology. So it was a dawdle for the geeks at FICTION to get it converted for the uses of their members who obviously wanted tips and suggestions on how to find out as much as possible about who you were

talking to by asking really useful questions. What? Good God. Okay, CIA, what have you come up with? Well, number one is Agent Orange. Number two is eHarmony. Can we use number one on number two? Oh, dear.

And the amazing thing was, the algorithm let you practice this and even gave you a score rating so you could see how well you were doing. Oh, good lord. This was all really state-of-the-art stuff going on here. The hard thing about dating is I have to not play

Final Fantasy for a while. Dude, all you gotta do is level up your mediator and the chicks will just be coming at you left and right. This was all really state-of-the-art stuff going on here. What would be called on Earth rocket science? Blimey.

No, actually, it wouldn't. Rocket science is the science involved in making rocks. Well, rocket is what I call my cock, so... Cock science. Yeah, that's cock rocket science. Alright, go for it. Blimey.

Blimey. Crikey's cock rocket science. Alright, go for it. Blimey. Blimey. Crikey. Crikey. So, when you started out, you didn't actually start by talking to any potential mate in particular. You kind of talked through the algorithm. I feel like I went through this a couple paragraphs ago, but what the fuck, let's do it again. I gotta

say, I really like the first three Foundation books, but by the end, Asimov really, really sort of fell off the train. And then I had one algorithm in my pussy and one in my ass. Get to the fucking point, you weirdo. Now, some people were very suspicious and thought it was really dodgy, so they didn't use it. But there were some diehards that did use it. The end. Unfortunately, though.

And they talked kind of through the algorithm. Kind of. How do you restate that? The algorithm was like a virtual person. Or guardian angel, as some more affectionately referred to it. The guardian angel. Repeating myself. Repeating myself. Some

nicknamed it Dungeon Master. Some nick. Some asshole named Nick named it that. Nobody likes him. Others called it, comma, the teacher. And in a way, it was like all of those things. It stopped you from making repeat mistakes. It stopped you from getting an unwarranted bad press.

You were not revealed until it was time for you to be revealed. That was a sentence. And by the time you were revealed, the level of disappointments were reduced. I like that there's sort of a universal thing in these stories that we read where as you get further into them, the sense, the nonsense of it just increases, and the grammar gets poorer. And like, this guy's

masturbating furiously at I don't know what. He's just, algorithm! Algorithm! He just really, really, really wants a PlayStation that will tell him how to land a woman. That's what this is about. Pretty much.

Or a White Wolf campaign book that he could open up. It's like, oh, that's how I get a lady. I just put this in here and this in there. After all, you should not buy a goldfish and take it straight out of the bag and hurl it to the pond, for it would die of shock. Okay. Here's a non sequitur for you.

So the real philosophy, the principle behind fiction, was the reduction of the shock factor, because everyone in the world is as broken of a nerd as I am, to psychologically prepare both sides for meeting to make sure that there could be minimal misunderstandings on the initial meeting. This was science at its best. Everyone was dying of cancer, but so people weren't shitting themselves on the first meeting. That's what they wanted to do. In which case they were prepared for it. Yeah.

All the scientists were doing this. Meanwhile, everybody has super polio. Yeah, all the scientists were doing this. Meanwhile, everybody has super polio. And the knowledge that there were plenty of others to meet meant that the stress of trying to get it right was reduced to almost zero. You didn't any longer have to look your best on your first date.

Sure. Yeah, why would you... They could see you as you normally were. Fiction dating was really popular, and the people that used it went, Wow! Bunny bread, tag! Especially Reshi, my girlfriend. And so the tale ends.

What? I... Wow! You didn't tell a tale, you just described a service. I said wow. I said algorithm, and then I said we talked through them, the algorithm. Then I said Dungeon Master. Then I said, wow.

What more do you need? I am J.R.R. Tolkien's ancestor somehow. God damn it, Isaac Asimov. I wonder if my outlaw road actually chart this plot. And so, the tale ends again. I hope you enjoyed this fantastic adventure.

Well, you never know. One day in the distant future, humans on Earth might be able to invent something like that. Imagine that. Stress-free dating. Currently a capital oxymoron at time of writing.

You don't know what the word oxymoron means either. I know it's a person. I know it's some guy's name. Oxymoron out there. There's already an invention that allows you to talk to someone a lot and get to know them before meeting them in

person. You're posting on it. It's the fucking internet. Yeah, but you don't talk to everyone at once and not have any idea who you're talking to. Doesn't that sound perfect? Yeah. Yeah, there's nothing like the internet. What this guy's saying, it's like only in a future world where an entire planet of scientists and a supercomputer made to lower a lady's expectations could I get a date.

Twitter has taught us that shouting into an empty void is really fulfilling. Yeah. That's called a vagina. Hi! How was your day? Hi! How was your day? How was your day?

How was your day? How was your day? After all, the flat screen was once only in the domain of sci-fi. They once laughed at Thomas Edison for trying to invent the electric light bulb. Oh, God, you have no idea what you're talking about. He didn't invent it! Thomas Edison didn't invent the light bulb! So wrong. Nonetheless, we laughed at Tommy.

He was a dick. He must have been a great comedian. What? What? Sure. For inventing a light bulb. Then there was that idiot, Alan Turing, who tried to build a computer. No, no, he didn't.

He actually didn't try to build a computer. Stop ruining this. The Wright Brothers. Wait, this! The Wright Brothers. Wait, the written down brothers. The Wright Brothers. The Wright Brothers. Dream on, I say. I got you all in check.

When I be inventing a light bulb, you should disrespect. And you know we come through directly to the script. I love when people pull this shit. Hey, I've said all this ridiculous bullshit that would never happen, but you may scoff,

but one time a guy made a thing. Take that. By the whistle. The algorithm does not work. may scoff, but one time a guy made a thing. Take that. By the whistle. The algorithm does not what does what you want, not what it wants. I just looked up and the Wright Brothers Incorporated

is a agency that makes really shitty Microsoft Word rip-off software. There you go. Pondering. I suppose it would start with gathering up lots of people from all over the world and tapping into the free software

foundation and open source foundation and Linux and it departments at universities and finding out if anybody is clever enough to mastermind how to end a sentence. Such an advanced, world-changing

revolutionary project. You know, nerds are supposed to be smart. You're a fucking idiot. No, Jeff and Tapper knows a lot about Linux. We should ask them. There are gatherings where they gather a lot of those same people together. It's just called QuakeCon, and not really much happens other than

I don't know, John Carmack put that song We'll have to get the smartest people from the Open Source Foundation and the Linux and the Central Processing Unit You know, there's another way to find out what women want What's that? Talk to them

We don't need the greatest guys of our generation to build a giant computer that figures it out. Maybe we should get the computer to talk to them. Just watch that movie with Mel Gibson. Yeah, exactly. I was about to say that. And I will also contend that for a good amount of guys, you're right, Portex, but for this guy, yeah, he needs it.

Anyway, I'm sorry. Can you end this nice and succinctly and intelligently? Okay, thank God. All right. Wonder if governments would try to stamp it out. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Dork. Girl. Girl. Mammillion. Oh, sorry. I'm not afraid to cry But that is none of your business Overdo it, don't tell me you blew it Stop your bitching and fight your way through it

I'm not like you, I just fuck up Come on motherfucker, everybody has to die People equals shit People equals shit P-p-people equals shit. People equals shit. P-P-People equals shit. And there we go. Around about an hour of nobody loves me.

Boots, what did you learn this week? I learned that sometimes I find myself shut out of normal sociosexual interactions. Sure. That's why I'm considered love shy. That's why you're considered lots of things. But I guess you can choose to call yourself love-shy. Love-shy. Yeah, I...

I don't know. I mean... On the one hand, I'm sure that plenty... Well, not plenty. I'm sure that some of what we read back in February was from people that are like in middle school and high school, right?

I'm sure that some of it was. So, in those cases, like, I think that, you know, like, there's something that's definitely forgivable, and there's something that's like, okay, sure, we all know what that's like, and we can all kind of forgive your stupidity. Like, you know, I have 500 hours into Kirby's dream quest.

How come girls aren't interested in me? Because of your first statement. That's why. That can't be possibly true. Kirby appeals to a female demographic. Like, it's not, oh, I don't know. It's not, like like your frustrations so frequently are your own. And the things that you're doing to other people, you know, like, how come everyone on this bus seems to act like I smell super bad? Everyone on this bus must have fucked up noses. It's probably true. Yeah, there's another theory.

I agree with that. I had that problem as a kid myself. Bus full of bad-nosed kids. Yeah, and so, you know, I mean, there's dicks, and there's prudes, and there's bad luck, and there's things that you can have happen to you that are outliers and that you have to get above. And then there are situations where the world around you is trying to tell you something. And if the world around you repeatedly says that you're unfuckable, then you're unfuckable.

And you either make yourself fuckable, or you spend your time on loveshy.com. Well, yeah, I guess that's the alternative. This, in fact, was an episode from Mantrith, funnily enough. Imagine that. Who submitted the material after going to Ball Pits. That's B-A-L-L-P dot I-T.

It's our forum. You can get advice on how you can put together terrific content that we'll read and forget about and then edit many months later. Yeah, you can also check out the things that Montreth has found that didn't make it into our episodes. Which? They're pretty months later. Yeah, you can also check out the things that Montreth has found that didn't make it into our episodes. They're pretty fucked up. Yeah, yeah. There's some stuff that, like, you know, just remember, every time you're listening to one of these episodes, every time you're listening to an hour and ten minutes of clown fucking,

know that there's segments that didn't make it into the clown fucking because they were too pornographic. All right. Good night. People equal shit. What you gotta do? People equal shit. What I'm afraid of.

People equal shit. Nothing that you'll never be. People equal shit. Oh yeah. Boof. Bang. Crash. Biff. Wham, fog, clang, argh, yow, ouch, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh out for the listener, that is exactly what was written. I didn't editorialize once.

It's a new record for me. This is the first time that Bunny Bread's ever accurately read a sentence from a post.