The F Plus - 119: How to Listen to a Podcast (Abridged, With Images)

Episode Date: December 14, 2013

Boots wanted more WikiHow.

Hey, Lemon. Yeah, what's up? Let's do a wiki how. Oh, God. Every fucking week. Oh, the wiki how. Jesus Christ. Boots, quit jumping up and down.

It's been like two years since we've done wiki how. Yeah, it's been two years. And in that two years, you have asked pretty much every week. Yeah, this is the week. All right. All right, fine. Fine. Let's do wiki week. Yeah! This is the week. All right. All right, fine. Fine, let's do wikiHow. Yeah.

In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. How to make others be quiet. Step one, ask others to be quiet. Bunny bread! How to draw Pac-Man. 23 steps, no pictures. Jack Chick! Be careful with dressing Barbies or Mycene dolls in Bratz clothes. As Barbies are bigger, the clothes may rip, so don't ever try to force the clothes off.

That's a problem. Nutshell Gulag. How to break up a couple. Part one of three. Planting the seeds of doubt. Now with his own cartoon show, kind of. Adam Bozarth. How to stop getting labeled as a team.

Be confident. And Lemon. How to avoid becoming a sexual predator. Step one, understand you're only human. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

All right. All right. All right. But I want to say something before we start, which is that since our last time on WikiHow, the editors of WikiHow have added a whole lot of helpful drawings to basically every article. Oh, goody. So you remember that article about how to do a courtesy pee? That has drawings now. Illustrations. So to that end,

pretty much every article we read is going to have terrible drawings in it. It is your job to ignore that fact. That's not helpful to the listeners. We will be doling out punishments for responding to the images, so you need to ignore

the images. So we somehow can't laugh at these things. It's just going to distract from everything if every article is going to be like, look at that shitty drawing! Or should the listeners be forewarned to go check these things out, just in case? It's just easier that way.

Yeah, it might be easier. But, you know, let's try to make that not happen every time. All right. So I think we should get started with some metal instructions. Jack Chick. Yes. Will you teach us how to headbang? Sure, I can do that.

Do I have to read the guide? Nope. This is the new format now. Stand like this. Freestyle, man. Do it, yeah. All righty. Also, draw a picture that we can laugh at.

All right, all right, all right. Tell us how to headbang, please. Headbanging is the style of dancing that accompanies hard rock and heavy metal music. Want to look cool to your fellow metalheads? Want to show off your metal prowess

as you fly into the sunrise of metal like a Cerberus from the apocalypse? Some people have difficulty with it and suffer from neck strain afterward. Here's how to do it right. Stay true.

I just want you to know that this WikiHow article has 43 writers. 43 different people are responsible for this article. We want you to be metal, but not unsafe. Step one. Stretch your neck beforehand and turn your head a bit to loosen the probability of a neck strain.

Your head can ache the next morning otherwise. Okay, good. Step two. Start with a simple rhythm nod, nodding your head backwards a bit then flicking forward repeating with the rhythm oh that's how you nod, okay I've been doing it all wrong step three move on to the head drummer

and bend over and continuously head back to the fast drum beat wait I have to give a blowjob to the drummer you have to move on. Alright, so apparently it was written by 43 drummers. So there's just a line of metal heads all queued up

at the drummer to blow the drummer. Step four, remember no teeth. Ladies, there's a drumstick for everyone. You guys know I go to a lot of shows, and I can't tell you how frequently. Yeah, you do. You know, you go to the show, you go and get your first beer, and then you get into the line of people who are just stretching their neck.

Everyone's just doing calisthenics. Yeah, they don't let you into the pit until you've done that Lull your head back and forth Hang on, hang on, no, no, that is unsafe Have you done your warm-ups? Hi-ya-ya-ya, hi-ya-ya Try the head slammer Swinging your head from head height to waist height

Do this to the long beat of the song So if the song has a drum set beat behind it headbang on the bass because this is kind of too long to do real fast. Go down on yourself. What's the long beat of a song? I don't fucking know. So if the metal song

has a drum beat if it's one of those metal songs that has a drum beat it's not one of those Paul Simon metal songs. Hey, I'm Satan, my old friend. Love it, love it. Lady Smith, Black Tomahawk, so. Step five, then try the windmill.

Spin your head in a circle and let the hair fly. Sign your own style to your headbang so you don't look like a poser. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I'm reading wiki how to learn how to headbang. Yeah, to learn how to not be a fucking poser. Yes. There should be an article on here, too.

However, when the song has ended, be sure to remain in a bent down position for some moments as it may be difficult to walk. After all, your sense of balance may be affected. That's the other thing that pit security does, is they make sure everybody stays in a head-down position after the song's ended. One, two, okay, you can all come up. Wait, did you just eat at the food court? No, you can't go into the pit for at least 15 minutes.

Seven. Decide how many beats per riff you'll be headbanging to and at what speed. Isn't that the same thing? When do I decide that? Eight. Look up the music video for the song and see how the band that plays it headbang. Oh, really?

Yeah. Really? I just... She is looking up a video of Paradise City. Is that what that is? Not a very good song to headbang to. Step nine. After a few days of practice, not only

will you be able to mosh like a god, you will gain the ability to beat people up with your hair. Wait, when did we learn to mosh? These people have never been to a fucking show. They've never been to a fucking show. So, uh...

Well, that's why they need these instructions. They're nervous. They're like, oh god, I've never been to another show before And if I don't know how to do this Everybody will be looking at me And they'll be able to tell Well there's a tip for you there Read tip number four Tip four

Don't be intimidated by how others headbang Or what they do The important thing is to have fun And let yourself go This is the south side! We headbang like this! Totally. So after all these steps, will I be

a metal god like Willow Smith? I would think so. Is she considered a metal god? I whip my hair forwards and backwards. I assume so. I haven't ever seen her at a show, but I think that's just because she's ascended past the point of going to shows. Hey, Jack Chick, I'm sorry. Jack Chick, my hair is very short.

Tip number six, do you think that... Can you help me? Tip number six, long hair definitely helps. Once you've started a circular, vertical, or horizontal motion, the hair just does the rest. And it's super cool. Super cool. My hair controls me now.

I like the last warning. Warning. Notice that any liquid in your drinking horn may spill your or someone else's trousers while banging your head. Therefore, empty it beforehand or drink from above. Who the fuck goes to the show and doesn't get beer all over them? That's not fucking... It may spill your trousers, though. Your trousers will actually fall off your body.

It's a horn of trousers. Endless trousers. There you go. Melt it all. Adam? Yes? Pussies, they're saying you can't headbang to Origin or 1349. Shut up.

Oh, man. That was the thing I was going to bring up. So we, you know, in this, our third WikiHow episode, I think that we need to start dealing with some serious subjects. Finally. So I have a serious problem, and I i need some serious answers will you help me out here a man after my own heart you know i'm surprised this wasn't actually a lead-in to butt sex there's actually not many articles on butt sex on this on wiki how i looked at least you did you do diligence i did i did There's actually not many articles on butt sex on this, on wikiHow I looked. At least you did your due diligence.

I did, I did. Standards. How to overcome your fear of horses. Edited by horses forever. Somebody might be a bit biased. Yeah. If you or someone you know has had a bad experience with horses, or if their big size and strength scares you, you may become afraid of horses.

Wait, if someone I know has had a bad experience, I'll become afraid. Yeah, you know, you watched your dad get trampled by horses, and now you have a vendetta against them. Okay, fair enough. That's why you fight crime. Sure. Horse crime. Yeah.

Although it may take time, you can overcome your fear. Sometimes it may not always be a bad experience. It may just be that you have seen someone else being injured by a horse. Nothing bad about that. It was good for the horse. Just imagine a horse being beating the guy up.

Punching him. That horse got that dude's wallet. Alright, so method one of two is to understand my fear, but I already know that I'm afraid of horses. Will you just get into the second method here? Yes. That is method number two, spending time with horses.

Sure. Okay. Number one. I know we're not supposed to talk about the photograph, but that poor horse. I was wondering who would be the first one to break. Number one, spend some time around horses. Go to shows or just hang out or volunteer at your local barn. Jack Chick, are horses usually at metal shows?

Yeah, all the time. Happens all the fucking time. Are they good at headbanging? Look at that fucking long hair, man. That hair takes control of that horse. Yeah, dude. That pink hair, dude. That hair takes control of that horse. Yeah, dude. That pink hair, dude. That shit would fit right the fuck in.

Being around horses will help you to see that they are not so bad. I don't know. Some are racists. That's a pretty white horse right there. Yeah. When a human is training a horse not to spook... Whoa! Racist.

See, I told you they're racists. Damn. S-bomb right off the bat. Constant exposure is what eventually makes the horse realize that there's nothing to fear. You will find the same thing can calm your fear, too. Are you going to cut my balls off? Is that what you're saying? If I have to to get you near a horse. Jeez.

Horses forever is pretty intense. He really likes horses. Well, she maybe. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, definitely. Maybe.

I like to think it's a he. Nope. If you are afraid of a specific horse, ask the instructor if you can lead the horse.

Help others tack him up or give him a bath. Horses can't smell fear, right? If you're afraid of him, bathe him. I'm afraid of my

upstairs neighbor. And you know why, too. You know what to do. Neighbors are like horses. I ride mine around. Doing things other than riding the horse but still involving interaction will help you gain confidence in your ability to handle a horse. I'd just like to point out to the listeners that he said interaction, not interaction. Which is what I heard before I looked at the page.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, you hear that a lot, don't you, Boots? What was I thinking of? Number two, when you feel ready, find a stable or riding school. Explain that you are trying to get used to horses and they will pair you with a gentle, reliable horse or a pony. Yay, ponies! If you are not ready to ride, don't let anyone force you. Just pat the pony

and realize that he will not hurt you. I just want to get a quick question. So I'm afraid of horses. And I live in a metropolitan city in the year 2013. So it doesn't affect me.

Why do I need to have myself with horses? I could be afraid of horses my entire life and it wouldn't affect me in any way. It's kind of like being scared of ukuleles. Well, that's definitely going to come up in a metropolitan area in 2013. Especially if you're single.

But what if you're watching horse programming or maybe a horse breaks into your local middle school? Lemon, I really just don't think you're thinking about the zombie apocalypse enough. Go away. Go away. Far, far away. Fuck off. You're not going to like my ukulele-based zombie apocalypse movie.

We're making boots sad, guys. All right, yeah, no, no, keep going. I'm still afraid of horses. Oh, okay. Number three. When you are ready, get on and ride. Get on your horse and ride! I can't!

I didn't come here to learn to ride a horse. I just wanted to be not afraid of them. And now you're making me ride them, you asshole. Oh, horses forever. Who would have guessed? Have someone supervise you in case you lose your nerve. Ask for a quiet horse that is known to take care of beginner riders. Most stables

will have at least one such caring horse. Oh, it'll take care of you, alright. Damn. Does that mean they'll finish me off? We won't hurt you. They'll never bite your body. So you guys are now

not scared of horses, right? Pretty scared of ponies, but yeah. Well, I don't know. What's the next step? Because number four is go on to totally forget your fear and replace it with love of horses. Oh, hallelujah, Lord. Take me. Take me.

It's just that easy. Yes. Yes. easy. Yes. I think Horses Forever did to this article what some douchebag did to the

How to Get Your Guy to Stop Playing Xbox article. Oh, I can fix this! Feed your horse meat and cheese. Just know the horse is the best Give in to the power of horse That's what you were saying? Tip number five

If you want, you can start by just looking at a schoolmaster Who will know how to behave Then petting him What? A principal? Yes, look at the schoolmaster. Yep, pet a schoolmaster. Well, I always thought from terrible 80s comedies

that deans of schools were, you know, against me. Well, that is your fear of 80s school deans. Yeah, on to the next wiki. Have you tried bathing one? How to overcome. All right, once again, beans. Yeah, on to the next wiki how article. Have you tried bathing one? How to overcome. Alright, once again, I'm glad that we at

least dealt with a serious subject, you know? Maybe it wasn't the most serious methodology. But Bunny Bread, how do I make people think that I'm immortal? Oh, I'm glad you asked. Oh, wait, you have a WikiHow article, too. Blaming!

So this article is called How to Make People Think You're Immortal. It has 77 contributors. Thank God. 77 people were involved in this. A lot of con men out there. Hey, it was edited by Briella Forever. Yes, I know the presenter as well. And immortal.

She may have been a big fan of a girl named Brielle. Wait, are horses also immortal? They could be, we'll find out. Yes, that's why you can't be afraid of them. They're going to be around a lot longer than you. I am now very afraid of them. How to make people think you're immortal. As a human, you're most definitely mortal.

Oh, wait, Carl! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's more. Okay, good. Period. Goodbye. Thank you. Okay, all right, all, wait, wait. There's more. Okay, good. Period. Goodbye. Thank you. Shit. This wasn't helpful.

Okay, all right, all right. Encore. Unfortunately, there is a little you can do to change the fact that your body will someday grow old and die. Stop that. You were bumming me out. Bummer. Fucking A.

However, that doesn't mean that you can't give the impression that your longevity is somewhat greater than that of your fellow mortals. So this is bullshit. Okay. With a bit of mystery, maturity, and reliance on the facts that give an impression of a lengthy life, you may succeed in convincing

the less skeptical around you. Not that you hang around with more. It took one editor to take the words gullible idiots and change it to that. Brielle forever, thank you. In convincing the less skeptical around you that you are wholly able to live forever and for everyone else,

you can at least present the aura of being timeless. If you're interested in creating a romanticized Victorian-era style of immortality... Wait, wait, wait. This is fucking steampunk immortal? Shh, shh, shh. I'm glad I picked this voice.

For once, I guessed right. So there are 17 tips, and they're pretty long, so if you can just take the bits in bold. In bold, okay. Dress in old-fashioned clothing! Thank you! Okay.

An immortal weirdo. Number two! Have a collection of things that work! I guess I have that. So what is the opposite of a wiki how article? He means he leaves. That's what he means. This computer works.

Can opener. Yes. It works pretty well. Pencil sharpener. All of these things are correct. However, you want your furniture to be serviceable and designed to last. You assume that you're going to outlive

the lifetime guarantee on most things. Whichever era it's from. That makes no goddamn sense. I didn't. Yes, of course not. Three! Learn old languages like ancient Greek or ancient Egyptian or ancient

Egyptian. Hello, friend! Let's see. Vase, slave-walking, slave-walking crow. And history only happens first in Egypt, then in Greece, then in Rome. Then in Greece again. Then in Greece, then in London, then America.

Yep, you just covered history. Awesome. Thank you. Learn old languages like Tagalog. Wait, wait, wait. I just want to make sure. Yeah. Ancient Greek or ancient Egyptian.

Depending on the era, you want to portray yourself as one. Oh, as either the Egyptian era or the Greek era. So if you want to dress as an ancient Egyptian, make yourself a Bengals. A Victorian Egyptian, obviously. A Victorian Egyptian. A steampunk Egyptian. Glue gears onto everything.

The image above is three books, and one of the books is entitled Ancient Egyptian. I'm sure that's a really super helpful book. Yes. Would you call me? Four. Act like you have many secrets. I'm not a secret!

Ancient Egyptian, Ancient Egyptian, Ancient Egyptian. This whole affectation is bullshit. I really want people to pay attention to me. That's not a secret, lady. Number five. Seem to have been there. Just appear. Sure.

Just there. Also stay there. Just there. Buy the t-shirt. Six. Six. This is important. Become familiar with classical music. Particularly ancient Egyptian classical music. Six. This is important. Become familiar with classical music.

Particularly ancient Egyptian classical music. Yeah. Seven. Take hospitality seriously. This will make people think you're... What the... Yeah. Wow, you said please and thank you.

Eight. Purchase a wonderful fedora Number 8 I of course do not employ this myself However, develop a slight accent And number 9 Improve your vocabulary Also get the fuck off

WikiHow in order to accomplish this. Well, wait, no, no. I'm trying to look like an idiot, so I really should be on wikiHow. It's the necessary step. My apologies. Do all the things vampires in Anne Rice novels do.

Wait, so I have to have a lot of gay sex, don't I? Yeah, I was just gonna say. And mope about a lot. Ooh, we about to get immortal up in this bitch. I have to speak in terrible metaphors. The deck's worth it. Number ten.

Take up hobbies from eras long past. Again, slavery, for instance. That's fun. It was a hobby of the wealthy. Eleven. Be mature. That's not going to last. Number twelve.

Read books from many historical eras. Oh, read books. Egypt and Greece. What books should I read? Well, I think I have one in mind in particular history

I like it it's a personal favorite of mine the image is just 13 13 take up calligraphy oh yeah totally ancient Egyptian calligraphy oh yeah totally ancient Egyptian calligraphy

somebody flourishes on that guy can I make a request that Bunnybread read the first bullet point from number 12 actually oh certainly vampire fiction is a very Victorian romantic choice but

avoid Twilight and all of the recent vampire novels written especially for teenage girls. Instead, opt for vivid, horrifying vampire fiction like Anne Rice's Vampire Crossing. Let's see Anne Rice on the big board. Instead of Twilight, read Twilight from 20 years before.

Weirder Twilight. Yeah. Number 14. We're skipping ahead. Write letters. Wait. If you're confused. R. Wait. If you're confused. F-R.

Yep. If you're confused, may I suggest that you consult with a book entitled Etiquette? No. It's from the same publisher as History. Yes, it is. Yes. 15. Develop a profound fascination with art and architecture from across all different ages.

No, fuck this. Let's move on. Wait, what? Just because I'm immortal, why do I have to be, like, upper class? Like, can't I just be, like, immortal and an idiot? Yeah, like, an immortal Philistine? Or maybe you're an immortal that has really crappy tastes and just really loves pop culture. I'm so glad I've lived 700 years that I can finally hear Evanescence. Yeah, movies have been around for 100 years. Yeah.

And they've always been more interesting than books. That's true. That's true. The one where the guy shoots at the camera. Oh, no, the train's running. I'm going to be right on the other side. Gets me every time. Number 16, keep your distance.

Please. Yes, please. Please. Number 17, be good with animals. Because, again, all people throughout all of history have been good with animals in the way we understand it. Well, they make an important distinction in the bullet point on this one, too. I'm not going to read it. Fuck off. Hey, I need to get my immortal sort of lexicon going.

Tip number two, what words should I kind of introduce to my speaking pattern? Oh, my God. Well, if you're looking for some words, I think you should say words like glorious or dashing or absurd. Yes, you certainly are. I am glorious

and dashing all the time. We've covered how important it is to have old things and to have old interests. So in that vein, can we look at tip number four? Indeed, of course.

Have a large collection of various items from throughout the rich vein of history. Anything from old chess sets to Super Mario. It's not like a Super Mario video game you want to have Charles Martinette captured in your basement

let me go so obviously I need to be subtle about this whole thing and I want to kind of not really tip my hand what's the last tip that you have? obviously I need to be subtle about this whole thing. Uh, and I want to kind of like not really tip my hand. Um, uh, how,

what, what, uh, what's the last tip that you have? Okay. Talk about how you wonder what the next century. And how you are looking forward to it. Make sure it's only a passing comment. Talk about how good

it is you don't have to deal with smelly peasants anymore. Sure, sure. I need to be subtle about this whole thing. Talk about your 14th century wife from Scotland. Decapitate people. Do everything you can There can be only one!

Do everything you can not to be only one do everything you can not to relate to people of your own time I've been doing that for about 17 years it's going pretty well oh it's me hi boots I'm new from the past and the future boots

how do I keep myself from crying at a movie? I'm always crying at movies like The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Oh, okay. Yeah, I can help you with that. Okay. All right. How not to cry at a movie. Sure.

I don't know how to pronounce that. Bridge to Terabithia across the universe. The boy in the striped pajamas. Titanic. Brother Bear. E.T. That certainly is a list. Every sad movie you can imagine.

No one wants to be the weeper at a movie. You want to be strong, be able to comfort your friends at a movie, not be comforted by your friends. Yeah, crying's for losers. Emotions suck. Exactly. Nerd! Alright, step one. Breathe in, breathe out.

Blink back tears. Close your eyes. Alrighty, continue respiration as normal. Look like you're trying not to cry. Right. Two, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to your friend or family and calm yourself down outside.

Walk out of the movie. Between cocaine, yeah. Three, think about something funny until the sad part is over. Holocaust, Holocaust, Twitter! Holocaust, Twitter? Twitter Holocaust. Holocaust.

Four, look upwards and constantly blink. Nobody will think you're crying then. Nobody will think that's weird. I'm just having a seizure. I'm not crying. It's just a stroke, guys. I wasn't crying about nothing. Certainly not Brother Bear.

And finally, five. Pinch yourself, literally. The pain will wake you up. Because you were sad sleeping. Was I sleeping? Yeah. And keep the focus away from the movie. I got some important tips to add to that. What tips are there?

Boots, yeah. I piss a lot. Don't go to the toilet like every second. Your friends will think there's something wrong with you. But there is. Even though you're trying so hard to make them think there's something wrong with you. Keep in mind that people in the movie are actors, even if the movie is based on a true story. What? No. Oh, man, I thought when it was based on a true story. What?! No! Oh, man, I felt

when it was based on a true story, they had real people in it. Oh, fuck, Xanadu is ruined for me now. Did that always make you cry? Always. Ultimately, the best thing would be not to see a sad movie. That way you will not have to find a way to not cry

in a movie. Dummy. But, I mean, how do you get through Transformers without weeping openly? Oh god, there's two more hours of this! She's so orange! She's so orange! Yes, because when I watch Transformers, what I'm really doing is judging that lady's tan.

You gotta do something. You can't understand what's going on. That's fair. It is too fast. Hey, here's how to cry at films, okay? I'm gonna undo what you just did. I just told you not to do that. Yeah, here's how to do it. Why would you do that?

If you find yourself watching a film that's making everyone cry but you, this article will make you more emotional when watching films. Okay, so all of these photos are like a six-year-old child. Okay, so step one, focus. If you are focused on the film, then the sad parts will become clearer and your mind will know when to cry. So pay attention to the film you're watching anyways. Okay, so some sad films only have sad parts toward the end, e.g. The Boy in Striped Pajamas.

You cannot expect yourself to cry through the whole thing. Oh, maybe you can. That's so weird. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is the saddest movie of all time, apparently. Apparently. Number two, empathize. Which is a problem because if you wrote this article, you're an autist.

Yeah, I'm going to give that step a pass, I think. Yeah, I don't think that one's going to work for anybody. Fuck it, then. Number three, look at others that are crying. Stare at those motherfuckers. Oh, they are a human doing the human thing with the water. This can sometimes make the mind want to do what others are doing.

What? What? Number four, put your eyes in the crying position. I said the crying position. Okay. Lock eyes in crying position. My eyes are in the crying position right now. Take your eyes out of neutral.

Yeah. I keep my eyes in a jar when they're crying. I'm in crying position. Number five. Think of a sad time or situation that you or a friend or relative has been in. You know, to enjoy the movie. Think of dead kittens. I'll never see my grandmother again.

This is a good movie. Oh, Transformers is awesome now. Try staring! People say when you stare you get tears in your eyes. This is true, however, it can cause eye damage. Number seven. If you are trying to cry to impress

someone, like on a first date... Well, that's an alpha male. I'm gonna tell you, that does not work. Can we go back to your place? Never met anybody like you.

Wow, I've never met anybody who cried through Last Action Hero. It's a good date movie, though. It's empirically the greatest date movie of all time. And it is important to you. I would advise you to imagine. Imagine a sad scenario. Imagine someone you loved has died.

If you were on a first date, imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend has died. Why are you crying? I. If you were on a first date, imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend has died. Why are you crying? I'm imagining you dead! I'm imagining you first being my girlfriend and now I'm imagining you dead. Now I'm imagining you as my boyfriend. No, I don't want to have sex. You're a corpse already.

Oh, and I have to think of something funny. So there's three tips that aren't really super duper good, but the fourth tip is that if you have no sad experiences, go on YouTube. Oh. Okay. Right. Okay.

You know what? To be fair, most of YouTube is sad experiences. Yeah. Hey, YouTube. Go to YouTube and go to the unboxing section. Alright. Hey, Nutshell. Yes? So,

so, I've been talking about this a little bit on Ball Pit. I've been talking about this. I'm making a, I'm making a game, which I think will be fun. Um, but obviously in order to make a game, the first thing I'm going to need is a fictional planet. Um, will you help me to create a fictional planet? Sure. How to create a fictional planet.

How to create a fictional planet. Have you ever wanted to create a fictional planet for all your sci-fi stories? If so, keep reading to find out how. One, choose the theme of your planet. Is it a war-torn world of poverty or a sparkling utopia of awe and wonder or even a tropical land with no sentient life? Oh, so I can't create a good planet that actually has a variety of things?

Every planet has to be a fucking Star Trek planet? There are those categories. It's like Star Wars, where every planet has the same ecosystem throughout the entire planet. Oh, fucking Christ. Are you two gonna get in a fight about Star Wars and Star Trek now?

No. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that's clearly gonna happen. Yep. Yep. You're good at picking up social cues. Oh, God. Is this gonna break into an orgy again? Yeah, as so many Star Trek, Star Wars

arguments do. Let's stop the fuss and end the feuding! Alright, keep going. Two, choose some dominant species if your planet can support life.

Yeah, that's me. The dominant species doesn't have to be humans. It can be anything as long as it is superior to the other species of the planet. Superior in what way? Oh, it has antlers. Okay. And, like, a spiky tail thing, dude. Yeah.

Oh, we're doing it again. Yeah, it was generated in Spore. Yep. Yep. Three, choose the habitat The habitat of your planet Strictly limits the variety of species Living there Shouldn't that come before Choose the dominant species then?

Choose the dominant Oh wait, the dominant species doesn't have any water Your species has died Write new stories Please try again Nine, eight, seven Wait, the diamond species doesn't have any water. Your species has died. Write new stories. Please try again. Nine, eight, seven. You wouldn't expect to find polar bears in a hot desert planet. The habitat also limits how species survive.

If it is a freezing cold planet, then the species will have to adjust to cold weather. Try growing antlers. This is useful. This is really useful. Four. Now make as many species as you wish. Study ecosystems to make sure yours is balanced. Oh, okay. We'll be sure to do that.

Five. Design your planet's geography. What? Again, not the best order. How many major land masses are there? How many islands? Is there more water or land? Design a series of maps showing

different locations of your planet on paper or computer. Six. design anything else to put on your planet. Six, do all that other shit. Fill in here. What roads are there? We're the forest slash desert slash tundra

slash et cetera. Hey, Jack Chick. Hi. I don't know how many episodes of the F Plus you've been on at this point But I feel like you might have never done An English accent Yet It's up to you whether or not you want to do it All I need to know is whether or not I can be gothic

Oh god Oh god So as you know, I'm very terrible at accents. Sure! I don't think I should go down that route. Alright, well, just tell me how to be gothic. That's all that matters.

You're the exception to this rule. Pretty much. See, because all of you are professional voice actors, and I'm just some schmo. Oh, sure. Yeah. Anyways. How to be gothic. Sometimes we all just need a bit of originality and darkness in our lives.

Gothic is the way to go. Hey. Step one. Listen to gothic music. To be gothic, you need to listen to certain types of. Listen to gothic music. To be gothic, you need to listen to certain types of music, like punky music. You need to have strictly listened to depressing slash punk music. Otherwise, you are not goth.

Paramount, Green Day, Evanescence. Which one is that an example of? I think Green Day is definitely depressing. Yeah, that's true. That's true. You can look at videos of those guys and you go like, those guys are in their late 40s. What's wrong with those grandpas? So I'm going to say that Paramore fits under the category of depressing. Well, I'm going to say it's punk as well.

It's just hardcore shit. I mean, I've seen Paramore live and they did not strike me as particularly depressing. You've seen Paramore live, and they did not strike me as particularly depressing. You've seen Paramore live, have you? I have. I also got to see the red jumpsuit apparatus and Pennywise at the same show. Ooh! Quit trying to regain your credit. Was it sponsored by Vans?

It was indeed sponsored by Vans. How did you know? Was it a Warped or Twisted tour? Yeah, I went to the Warped tour one year. That's why everybody has seen Pennywise. That's why I've seen Pennywise.

That was one fucking wonderful. Oh boy. Alright, alright, keep going. Yeah. I want to talk more about this. Jack Chick goes to shitty shows. Step two. Wear black and dye your hair black. Just like Paramore.

Exactly. Being gothic has a lot to do with the black. And if you wear any other color, people will probably think you're some kind of scene faggot bitch or something. Don't wear Converse or Banties. That's what emo kids do. Wear black dresses, fishnets

and black boots. Dressing like Amy Lee would be a good idea. Just wait, what? Who the fuck is Amy Lee? The singer of Evanescence? Also, we did an episode on an Amy Lee. The Amy Lee? The singer of Evanescence? Yeah. Also, we did an episode on an Amy Lee. The Amy Lee.

That's the Amy Lee. Look, you need to wear black dresses, fishnets, and black boots, otherwise people will think you're some kind of faggot. I'll do that. Step three. Cut satanic symbols into your arms. You are an actual satanist.

You just can't cut lines because you look like a fucking pussy. What? Because I look like a fucking pussy, I can't cut lines? Don't be a goth poser, be a satanist poser. Yeah, then you'll be a goth poser. Carve Slayer into your arm and then don't go to Slayer shows. Step four. Make tons of gothic friends.

Go to concerts with them and talk about how much you like the cross, even though you're an atheist, even though that makes you look like a poser. But who cares, right? Be sure your friends are gothic, not seen emo. You will forever be labeled pathetic and childish. And what we don't want that, do we? I feel like part of this is parody, but I can't tell which part. Sure. Is there any tips at all?

Is there any tips at all that you have? I do have a tip for you. Yep. If you accidentally make friends with an emo rather than a gothic, let them down easy and just block them on MySpace. Gothic's don't use Facebook or any other social media. They only use MySpace.

Okay, cool. Any warnings? Any warnings at all? I do have a warning for you. Please don't make us gothics look bad. We'll kill you. What categories is this article in? It's at the very bottom What categories? The category for this one is in

Marriage slash birth certificates This article was recently edited by Jeff Thanks Jeff Jeff the goth Okay so was recently edited by Jeff. Thanks, Jeff. Jeff the goth. Okay, so, BunnyBread, I know that you wanted How to Be Gothic, but I didn't give that one to you because I had this one specially

waiting for you. Oh, my God. How do I be good at fist fighting? Okay, brother. Alright, a lot of this. All right, good. Is this happening in the octagon or the squared circle? It could be both.

I'm not good with, you know, lines. I'm kind of gothic. How to be good at fist fighting, brothers? Fist fighting. Whether it be for self-defense, dealing with crap talkers or just for fun you know it's a pretty important skill to know but it takes a little bit of understanding to get decent at keep in mind this is aimed towards non-trained combatants if your combatant is experienced in a

martial art strategies will obviously change and i don't have the experience to give you any advice on those, so fuck it. You should probably stop reading right here. Your opponent has also read this Wikihow article. You're fucked. Okay, it's a bit long, so just do the bold, please. Yeah, alright. Okay, so

step one, become a woman. Sure, right? That's helpful. That's, obviously, I have one. Okay, step one, overcome fear. Okay. Just do that shit, okay? All right.

Just do it real quick. Of horses? I no longer feel fear. Moving on. No, not of horses. I only feel fear of horses. You got to ride your horse into your fifth fight. Oh, okay of horses. You gotta ride your horse into your fist fight. Oh, okay.

Stupid. In Jack Checker Zombie Movie, I gotcha. Yes. Two. Keep control of yourself. Don't masturbate during the fist fight. Oh! I don't want to do fist fighting then.

Save it for later. Save it for afterward. Do you understand if you're masturbating while fist fighting, you only have one hand for self-defense? Do you get that? That was the whole reason for me fist fighting in the first place. You're terrible at masturbating. Say that to my face.

Are we covering the Jizz Surprise in this? Number three. Number three. Number three. Learn defense. Good enough. Fuck it. Sure. Just learn it.

Rule it real fast. Okay, so I've learned defense in step three. What now? What should I learn now? Know some offense. I don't know. Just know it. Just a bit.

Intrinsically. Just have a nascent understanding of offense. Download offense. I don't know. Just know it. Just a bit. Intrinsically. Just have a nascent understanding of offense. Download offense. Yes. Number five. Look at that grapple. I don't know if this is offense or defense. Just learn to hug.

How is that going to help you in a fist fight? Learn how to have feelings. Please. Hug me. God. Please. Hug me. God. Jesus. So empty. Give me all of the tips. I need all of the tips for fist fighting.

Of course you do. I've done a terrible job thus far. Okay. Tip number period. One thing I see a lot is when someone's getting barraged by attacks they tend to back up and do a pussy kind of block. They block with their vagina. They just

throw it out there and say, hey, shoot it all up here. The last two articles that have been read was me doing a search on Wikihow for the word pussy. Anyway, keep going. Anyways, you do your pussy pussy gotta block, right? While throwing pathetic punches

hoping to hit their attacker. Do not do this. It's completely amateur, and you won't last 20 seconds if you keep doing it. 19 seconds, 19 and a half. So don't block. Don't ever block like some sort of pussy. Also, learn defense.

Tip number period two. Always keep your environment in mind. If you trip and fall backwards over a rock, that basically gives your opponent a free pass to pin you down and beat the crap out of you. Oh yeah, it's time to masturbate. So don't fall down in a fist fight. That's a bad

thing? Don't fall down? Yeah. Instead of tripping over the rock, perhaps think about fucking the rock. Or just fighting the rock. Why am I masturbating again? This is if you have your fight on the mountaintop stage of the fist fight game. Where you'll fall down to the other level of the fist fight stage. Tip number next. Keep your eyes on your opponent at all times.

Don't tilt your head down at any time. Sure. Oh, you just did it, didn't you? I did, actually, yeah. I'm going to totally fucking fuck you right there. You won't be able to see your opponent's hits coming in, and that is pretty much a ticket to getting the snot kicked out of you excuse me for my you know not French sure anyways never use just one hand

use both and both your feet tactically try to masturbate with your feet when hit by a jarring punch, maintain yourself as best you can. Because if you recoil back, this gives him a good chance to unload on you. Oh yeah, all over my chest. And you won't be ready.

And you won't be ready since you won't see him coming. Finish him. Your eyes are shut and you're just saying, yeah, come on, Stan. Yeah. Anyways. When fighting, always control your breathing. Don't, you know, stop doing that.

Breathing is good. You'll last longer without getting tired, which is basically how the winner of a fight is determined. Yeah. The one who doesn't die. The one who takes it down first loses the boxing match. More or less. Whoever breathes the most wins. And then your warnings are exactly the same as your tips.

Warnings! See tips. Boots. Yes? Boots. Here's the part where the episode can fork in one or two directions um one of two very exciting sexy directions so uh which of these two things would you like to do uh would you like to cheat on your wife or would you like to play Truth or Dare, the hardcore version? Let's see.

We're kind of doing that right now. It doesn't sound like either one of these sounds like the same choice. I think I want to cheat on my wife. Okay. Well, I have chills. I've always wanted to do that. We can just use that as the cold. You're going to be editing this, so just use that as the cold... You're going to be editing this,

so just use that as the cold open for the episode. Yeah, good. Sure. But actually, before you cheat on your wife, you're going to need to weigh the pros and cons of cheating on your wife. I think you already did. Right? Right? Yeah. There's upsides, there's downsides.

Mm-hmm. Edited by Jenny That bitch Don't Do How to weigh the cost of cheating on your wife If you're thinking of cheating on your spouse Don't think it through You're going to get caught And that could cost you big time.

How come your headline is gender-specific, but your opening sentence is gender-neutral? I blame Jenny. Ladies can have wives, too. That's true. I guess it is true that Obama's America. Yeah, but we're still implying that the spouse is the better way. Step number one. The easier half of weighing the cost of cheating on your spouse

is to weigh the pros. There's only one. You get to have sex with someone other than your spouse. Yeah, so? Because this is the only factor on the positive side. Take it over carefully. Like most people do when they cheat on their spouse. Yeah, so? Because this is the only factor on the positive side. Take it over carefully. Like most people do when they cheat on their space.

Fucking is a real thought-intensive maneuver. Sure am pondering that fucking. Is this angle okay? Am I going to strain something? Yeah. Two, consider the following. What is your desire for wanting to cheat? Why not talk to your... I want to fuck somebody.

Jesus. Why not talk to your lover about the problems that you have? Holy shit! Why do you think that's better? All right, here's two options. You can either cheat on your wife or you can have a long conversation with your wife whichever one you like better three if you're unhappy let your spouse know jenny what the fuck okay

i think the anime drawings really helped this out. I don't remember saying this when I wrote it. Whatever. It's better to be open than to explain later what you couldn't restrain yourself from fooling around in the first place. Honey, I want to touch other ladies' tits. That's where I'll stop, though. Yeah. Thank you.

Bye-bye. I've certainly never gone beyond that anyway so I'm sure that that's probably the end of a woman editing your document go to tip 4 yeah 4 when not if your partner catches on and he or she will don't lie

cause now between point remember between step 3 and step four was the invisible step of you fucking somebody else. Also, you kind of telling them that you're going to be fucking someone else. Yeah. Them finding out doesn't seem that much worse.

Don't tweet the deets, dude. Tell them what you have done, because you've done it now. You've sinned before God. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship where they are not respected. Oh my god, Jenny.

Jenny, do you want to talk about it? Five. Think about how this news could devastate your spouse. Think about everything that it could ruin. She could turn into Braveheart for one. I never should have trusted her with my password.

Six, ask yourself some simple questions. Am I ready to give up my spouse slash boyfriend slash girlfriend? Am I just repeating step two here? Why would I ask myself these questions five steps after I've already fucked somebody else? I only have one chance to make this relationship work.

Am I really planning on wasting it all in one night that will probably lead to nothing anyway? Oh, with that attitude, it's not going to lead to anything. Step seven that is probably still step two. it's not going to lead to anything. Step seven that is probably still step two. By asking yourself these questions and answering them truthfully, you may be surprised at what you come up with. Yeah, but what if you lie to yourself? I like to do that a lot.

Finally, step eight. Ask yourself how would you yourself feel if your spouse would cheat instead? Nobody has the right for double standards. Excuse me, men do. Yeah, we've been living in them for pretty long. Man, everything worked out so better

when I changed Jenny's Xbox sandwich post. What? Never mind. Okay, so Jack Chick. Yes. You got two options here. Okay.

You can either learn how to give a gift certificate I thought I knew how to do that, but sure. I don't think there's much of a choice here. Or you can stop gangbanging. I stand corrected. Well, see, I think I know how to do

one of those, but I certainly don't have any idea how to do the other one. I don't know which that is, though. Which is which? I'm gonna have to go with the gift certificate. Okay, good. Alright, terrific. There are only

three steps to giving out the gift certificate. Would you take us through them? Absolutely. It would be my pleasure. Good. Oh my god. Alright, so this took six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

This took ten editors to write. One of the editors is named Ellipsis. I guess one of the editors is named ellipsis. I guess one of the editors is named I'm also kind of curious in the related articles I have how to

survive Black Friday with basic self-defense. Man, that didn't come up in mine. You read your own article. All right, here we go. How to give a gift certificate. Ever. How to give a gift certificate.

Ever wondering how to give a gift certificate? Yep, totally. All the time. Ten people constructed that sentence. Step one. Find the person you were going to give it to. The wrong two. Have it in an envelope or hide it and somewhat at least put it in your wallet and pull it out

like, hey, here you go. So is this somebody's final project for their how to use the internet course? Step two, be completely incoherent. Step two, be very happy while giving it and much good can happen. Hey!

Here's your fucking gift, I hope you like it. It's fucking bullshit. Yeah, just punch him in the face. Yeah, totally. And what do I do after that? Step three, make sure you find a place they want one for. You know, once again, with the steps being out of order. I already gave it to you.

That took ten people to be like... Here's the gift certificate for the obstetrician, Dave. My vagina fell out years ago. Why does the obstetrician sell gift certificates? Obamacare. All right. Last piece here. Last piece here. sell gift certificates. Obamacare. Alright, last piece here. Last piece here.

This, Adam, congratulations and well wishes to you because you are going to read the closest thing I could find to a gay cure article. Oh dear. Oh god. Really was hoping to cure homosexuality

with the help of WikiHow, and this is as close as we got. I think this might call for the Huell Hauser voice. Somebody said they like the Huell Hauser voice, I think I'll have to... So, you're

all looking how to lead a heterosexual lifestyle if you are gay? Totally, yeah. All of us. Alright, well this article is not about changing your sexual orientation, it is about changing the degree to which you express

your sexual orientation. It's not about being gay, it's about not fucking dudes. Yeah, ideally people would feel comfortable with being themselves and expressing their desires. Unfortunately, some people don't feel comfortable doing so. They may feel that being accepted is more important than being true to themselves. Now what y'all doing here? Are you having sex with man? that being accepted is more important than being true to themselves. Now, what y'all doing here? Are you having sex with man?

But y'all are man. You are here because it's not socially acceptable? All right, well, number one is understand that this is a very difficult decision. Sure, right. It results from a conflict of how you feel on the inside versus what you face on the outside. Isn't that interesting? That doesn't make any sense, no. No. No?

No. No. No? No. Okay, well I'll just go on to number two then. Sure, good. Okay, consider alternatives. To being gay. Yeah, pursuing a heterosexual lifestyle or a homosexual lifestyle are not your only options. What other options are there?

Well, have you considered moving to a different area? Perhaps one that would be more accepting of your orientation? That's not another option. Please leave Texas. How do those two sentences fit? Also, remember, you don't have to abandon the non-sexual aspects of a heterosexual lifestyle

because of your orientation. What? I could see you marrying a bunch of women. Sure. You could wear flannel shirts and boots and all that sort of thing and still have sex with men. Look, there's two things I like.

You ever wear flannel shirts? No. I watched Brokeback Mountain and they were totally wearing flannel shirts. Okay, so there's two things that I'm really into, okay? Getting blown by men and Keith Urban. Can I somehow...

Y'all listen to Keith Urban. You can even do the two at the same time. Oh! Get blown by Keith Urban? Get blown by Keith Urban. How to get blown by Keith Urban? 72 people edited this. Where should I go?

Should I keep reading two? Yeah, keep going. Okay. There are gay and bisexual men and women in all walks of life. There are many people who keep their sexual lives private and who are respected nonetheless for their achievements that have nothing to do with their orientation. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, that was some words.

I'm sure there are. Words in an order. Is this a foreign concept to you? It's a concept I don't understand, but yeah. Okay, well, that's fun. Well, let's move on to number three. Here are both sides of the argument. What argument?

About being gay? Yeah. The gay argument? Most people live normal and happy lives as homosexuals once they've stopped living as a heterosexual. At the same time. Oh, so they were heterosexual before. Yeah. Good, that's how that works.

Mm-hmm. Oh. And then they change it on their driver's license. Ooh. Now I'm an organ donor and I suck dick. God damn it! I meant to say blood donor. I'm two types of organ donor.

Nice. Beautiful. At the same time, for different reasons, some quote-unquote former homosexuals have lived happy lives as heterosexuals. Uh, no. Nope. Citationated.

No. You won't find one. Yeah. Marcus Buckley. Excuse me? Thank you. He was never Botkin. Thank you. He was never a homosexual. He has not made that choice. He has not made that choice to change over.

Oh boy. Number four, do not contact a local ex-gay referral group. Ex-gays can refer to someone who used to lead a homosexual lifestyle but no longer does. There may be support groups with

ministers and counselors and churches in your area who really do not understand your desire to change the way to live your life. So if it's not religion that's forcing you to do this, what exactly? Insecurity! Oh, okay.

And other people's ignorance. Okay. Yeah. Number five, find a supportive community. You will need help along the way from friends who know about your struggle and can't support

you in it. Read stories about those who've chosen this path and testimonials from those who've had success attend a support group for those who struggle with same-sex attraction fun okay yeah i thought we were trying to accept our homosexuality and then it flipped on me here are y'all trying to convert me back to heterosexual here? Does it work? No. I think it worked. I don't know. I think it worked. Are you sure?

I'm really not sure. You're doing a lot of vacillating. How do you feel about flannel? Oh, I'm for y'all wearing flannel out here. What if it's wrapping up a dick? Oh, that sounds great.

I like it when people are cozy, if they're men or women, especially attractive men. Well, hello. And now, a list of articles, actual articles from WikiHow that didn't have time to make it into the podcast. Jack Check, start us off. How to transform your dollhouse into a fairy house. How to hide your scars. How to create piercy sculpted waves. How to get married in San Francisco. How to start a best friends club.

For kids. How to rock the comfier casual look on the weekends. How to live with allergies to corn. How to open notepad on a school computer. How to create a good story title. How to open notepad on a school computer. How to create a good story title. How to contribute to wikiHow while

at work. How to make your mouth feel cool in the summer. How to make people think you are not a slut. How to be silly. How to avoid thinking about your period. How to keep your wardrobe fresh. How to make beer taste better. How to get along with a friend that always wants to fight.

How to avoid becoming a sexual predator. How to get Microsoft for free. How to learn your own made-up language. I'd just like to point out the How to Get Microsoft for Free article is going to be posted in the post for this episode. Yeah. Because it is amazing. Last edited by Steve Ballmer. Do they mean by the whole company?

Okay. Boots, what do you got? Oh, yeah. How to convince your landlord to accept your cat. How to be friends with someone who has a high IQ. How to see life in a beautiful way. How to clap your hands. How to say yeah.

Can you ask your friend with a high IQ? Yeah. How to read an aura. How to get dogs to mate. How to build a love fort. How to be a Levian Satanist. Oh, God. How to handle haters and jealous people.

YouTube. How to be known at school as the Victoria's Secret clique. Gross! How to make it at school as the Victoria's Secret clique. Gross. How to make it through the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Drugs. How to organize a kawaii bag. Oh, boy. How to make peace with herpes.

The war is over! The war is over! The war is over! And then you negotiate with herpes to ensure the peace and safety of both countries. How to make underarm guards. I saw that. It's wrap

socks around your armpits. How to get someone to do everything for you. How to stop your child from masturbating in public. Oh no! How to stop getting labeled as a teen. But that actually is how to stop getting labeled as a teen.

Oh. Okay. How to play spin the bottle in Truth or Dare. Hardcore version. Oh, he's done that one already. Yep. How to live without friends during school years. Oh.

I just wanted to mention that step one of how to stop your child from masturbating in public goes, allow your child some privacy and independence. However, if they decide to masturbate right in front of you, see next step. Okay, you can have the ball. Come on! Turn your back for one second. I feel like we just talked about this. Adam, what do you got?

How to keep your thoughts inside your head with pictures. How to understand a cheating girlfriend. How to curl Barbie's hair using the freezer. Wait, really? How to go to McDonald's. Now everybody learned how to go to McDonald's! Everybody, cool!

How to become a blues musician. How to look like Sarah Palin. Oh, dear. How to be friends with everyone. How to feel like Sarah Palin. Oh, dear. How to be friends with everyone. How to feel great in the morning. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. I read an article. I need to be friends with everyone.

Stop going... No, come back here. How to brush your teeth with five-star ability. How to brush your teeth with five-star ability. How to hold your poop in embarrassing situations Like holding your poop How to keep squirrels from eating pumpkins How to get revenge by being better than someone

How to clean your dishwasher with Kool-Aid Don't put Kool-Aid. Step one, don't put Kool-Aid in the dishwasher. Step one, buy a new dishwasher. How to clean the Kool-Aid out of your dishwasher. How to intrigue a guy. Come on, intrigue a guy! How to...

Ah! There we go. There we go. How to spell a difficult word. How to read a newspaper. How to dance to rock music. All you got to do is watch that Sick of It All video. There's step-by-step instructions.

How to convince your girlfriend she doesn't need a designer handbag. How to hide that you're on a diet. Eat something. How to not get addicted to something. Don't do something. Don't do it. I just love these broad stroke

guys. Don't do it! Nutshell! What do you got? Yes. Don't do it! Nutshell, what do you got? How to create a vintage burlesque-themed teen bedroom. Whoa. Fun, fun. How to stop being so outspoken.

How to start a conversation when you have nothing to talk about. Oh, no. Oh, no. Don't talk to me, lady. Don't do that. How to be a siren. How to overcome sadness. How to quit using heroin. How to be less whiny.

How to have fun after defeating Alduin in Skyrim. What? Step one to quitting using heroin, by the way, is recognize that heroin is addictive. It's good when articles have overlap. How to stop living for your child. How to overcome adversity. How to tend a ripped

frenulum with pictures. Oh, God! Oh, no! How to be inspired by Michelle Obama. How to get your boyfriend to stop wolf whistling. What? I'm seeing a cartoon wolf. Get out of the 1930s.

Yeah, that would be the first step. How to not do drugs. How to remove moles quickly. How to win this sword fight. And, oh thanks, how to hide that you peed your pants.

Too late. Courtesy pee. Courtesy pee. How to develop common sense. Also related, how to be an otherkin wiccan. Right. Yeah. Related, relatedated How to celebrate your birthday alone Wow this is a fun journey

We're going on here I like the next step Once people have understood That you're an Otherkin Wiccan How to react to explosions in your vicinity How to overcome to explosions in your vicinity. How to overcome a music addiction. Bunny Brett, I'm needing help to deal with

your list that you're making here. Do you have a tip for me? How to conceal your contempt. I have to read that a couple times, Lemon. How to tuck and tape. Seven steps with pictures. Oh, I'm going to look at those pictures.

Tuck and tape what? Tuck and tape what? You're just going to have to see. Envelopes. Why do I need to shave first? Why is that necessary? That spoils half the fun. Because it's 2013,

for Christ's sake. Jesus, we had a porn star in 1981. Wow, these drawings are terrible. They're really what I should have expected, but they are terrible.

All right. How to not lose TV remotes. How to tell your boyfriend he needs to see a dentist. Wow. There better be just one step to that, for Christ's sake. Rick, look at Wicky How. How to lose weight with sex.

How to control ants. Really? Now the ants will do my bidding. How to measure girth. Now the girth will do my bidding. How to use a hand dryer. Is complaining that it doesn't work very well part of it? Yes, yes, that's steps one through seven. There's only seven steps.

That's the first three steps. God fucking... How to buy nothing. How to be smart how to find out if you have a child you don't know about oh why was i picked for okay and again how to become a hacker that's just as buddy bright as it gets. Alright, my list is the last

and we're going to start things off with how to swim while on your period without a tampon. Good. Perfect. The advice from that one is that you're fine. It doesn't flow when you're in the water. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Just do it. Just go ahead.

Don't wear a tamp it. Just do it. Just go ahead. It's blood. Fuck. Who cares? Just wear a tampon. Just recognize that it's your responsibility to make everyone's life worse around you. That's why you're on this earth. Okay. So that's number one. How to take a trip to Dollywood. Okay.

How to grow African American. Take two. How to grow African American... Take two. How to grow African American hair. Right. That's related to Dollywood, right? First, be black. That helps. Okay.

So these are my carrots. My cucumbers. This is my African American hair. Oh, it's coming out nice. Oh, I see you have Bootsy Collins. That's hard to get this time of season. How to avoid being... How to avoid getting shot by a police officer. Step one, don't be black.

Don't live in America. Step one, don't grow African-American hair. Correct. Correct. How to make a boy look like a girl. How to get drunk fast. I need to look at this. How can I get drunk fast?

Let's find out. So we... Oh, there's six steps with pictures. Take shots. Does that involve butt checking? Oh, does's six steps with pictures. Take shots! Does that involve butt chugging? Oh, does that involve booze by chance? Don't eat! Butt chugging.

Do not engage in the practice of butt chugging. One of the pictures is like a CG man drinking a can that's labeled Strong Beer. Alright, how to wake up. One of the pictures is like a CG man drinking a can that's labeled strong beer. All right. How to wake up and then how to perform a coffee enema. Oh, I have a good idea how to wake up. It's basically just morning routine at this point.

Right. You got drunk fast. How to come out to your best friend without her getting the wrong idea. I'm gay, and I'm not going to fuck you. I'm gay, but not that gay. Nobody's that gay. How to show your boyfriend that you're not cheating. Step one, don't fuck dudes.

No. No dice. How to make a cool handshake. How to create an adult movie. How to talk to a female on the phone. Bad female, get off the phone! You mean a human female? And finally, the most useful article probably in all of WikiHow,

how to stop giving terrible advice. Nobody's going to use that article. This website's for Martians right yes that's a good theory by Martians for Martians this is how we will blend in with a human How do I get high? How do I get high? How do I get high? How do I get high? How to act and look like Nicole.

Snooki.