The F Plus - 12: The Christmas Offensive

Episode Date: July 17, 2010

So as it turns out, we were prevented from releasing the hackneyed Christmas Episode, and so instead are releasing the slightly less hackneyed Christmas In July Episode. This one focuses on the ire that Christians feel when they walk into a store and see the most offensive phrase in the English lexicon: Happy Holidays. Before we started doing The F Plus, we all had no idea that White Privilege could have so many different voices.

Hi, welcome to the F Plus Podcast. My name is Boots Rengar. I'm here to provide a little bit of context for what you're about to hear. Way back in 2009, in December, we had the novel idea of recording a Christmas episode of the F Plus Podcast. It all went well. We recorded it. I edited it. I sent it off to Lemon, and the site immediately got taken down by Turkish hackers. So that sort of got pushed off, and then the site came back up, and then got taken down by Turkish hackers. So that sort of got pushed off, and then the site came back up, and then got taken down by Turkish hackers again. And then by the time we were thinking about putting the Christmas episode back up, it was January, then February, and then it just sort of sat around collecting dust. Now that it's the middle of July,

which is clearly the least sensible time to put up a Christmas episode. We're doing it. So here it is. Children there are so gay at Christmas All the children on the street Hope they get something good to eat But for me it's not so great Welcome to the F Plus Podcast, Terrible Things Read with Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm John.

And this week we had this really novel concept of, you know, we do a weekly media, you know, podcast thing. We do a weekly media podcast thing, and we had this crazy idea of doing a Christmas-themed episode around the time of Christmas happening. Where did that come from? I don't know. I don't know. You know what we didn't actually do was just do the spirit of Christmas past, the spirit of Christmas present.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Lemon, I have to stop you there. Yeah. You said Christmas. It's supposed to be a holiday episode. Oh, well, see, there's where you're wrong. I don't know if you're familiar with this thing. It's called the War on Christmas.

Never heard of it. You see, as a secular person, As a secular person, I am in an eternal struggle against, I guess, decency. And yeah, so me and my compatriots have a thing where we try to take all mention of the word Christmas and change it to holiday because then we win. Yeah, you know what? I have noticed that every time I see anything Christmas-related, I go into a frothing liberal rage. Maybe that's what I'm experiencing.

There's a lovely... John Gibson, I think, is most credited with this, because he was the guy, he was a Fox News host, who, A, is insanely ugly, and B, wrote the book on the war on Christmas. A is insanely ugly and B wrote the book on the war on Christmas. But he created this weird balance where they make two claims. And the first claim is that people who are non-Christian are offended by the words Merry Christmas. And that's insane because they're just words. That's point number one.

Point number two is that whenever I see the word Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, it makes me furious because how dare they not say Merry Christmas instead. Right. Now, from what I've gathered, the whole underlying thought of it is that it's not just that they want to include other holidays or that they want everything to be, you know, to be have everybody all in the holiday spirit. It's that there is an active campaign to get rid of Christmas and by proxy, Jesus Christ. So that's what we're bringing you tonight.

We're going to be doing a Christmas two-parter, which is going to be first part is the war on Christmas and the second part, oh boy, it's a surprise and not necessarily a good one. So yeah, let's get into it here. In the room tonight, we have Ace Rockwaddle. Boots Reingear. I've been naughty.

John. Have you been naughty this year? Hazy Conspiracy. It's pixie dust. We don't have to explain anything. Yes, Fahan? I'm on the lookout for naughty girls.

Stog? I'm not buying any merchandise from this podcast. You don't say Christmas enough. Victor Laszlo. Hi, Victor. Hi, Victor. Hello, Victor. Hi, Victor.

And Lemon. Happy holidays! Happy holidays. Solstice. Fuck you. Christmas. I want to start with Stand for Christmas, which is from one of those groups. Which group is it? Like family council thing.

Oh, it's Focus on the Family. It's a sock puppet of Focus on the Family. Focus on the Family! Awesome. Essentially, the entire purpose of this site is people complaining that they went to a store

and somebody didn't say Merry Christmas to them. Oh, God. Oh, Lord. I want to start with which one was it? Oh, yeah. American Eagle. Let's go.

American Eagle Outfitters. Rating Christmas offensive. Comment. Refuse to wish a Merry Christmas and had some offensive rap music on in the store. When I wished the cashier a Merry Christmas, she looked at me and said,

we don't say that in here. I got five on it. We don't say those words in these parts Rating Christmas offensive I'm done with the store

If they can't even acknowledge what the season is about Why bother with shopping there Rating Christmas offensive Jesus is the reason for this season Not a reindeer or a trumpet So I will not shop there anymore. Wait, is the American Eagle

selling reindeers and trumpets now? Damn! Speaking for myself, I was attacked by a reindeer playing a trumpet in American Eagle Outfitters. Have you not heard the famous Christmas story of Rudolph Satchmo? But how was his hair? Was it impeccable?

Rating. Christmas offensive. Shopping in there this Christmas season was like shopping there any time of year. Oh, snap. I just went there. Oh. Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell. That implies that they go in there a lot.

It's like, I frequently shop at the store. So offended! Why is this bed like every other time I was there? Fuck it! But their fleece hoodies are so awesome! The company has informed all American Eagle employees not to say Merry Christmas to any customer in fear of making the American Eagle customer

uncomfortable. Although every single US dollar in the American Eagle cash drawer says, in God we trust, on back with the star of David above the eagle to the right side Simdesus birth. Happy

birthday, Jesus! Now, I know there's some Canadians in the room, so for your edification, perhaps, there is, yes, in fact, In God We Trust on American Currency. However, the Star of David?

I don't think I've ever noticed a Star of David. And the idea of the Star of David symbolizing Jesus' birth. It's kind of a stretch. Maybe it's like one of those origami things you have to do to get the 9-11. Oh, there you go. That makes sense. It's not hard to

fold up a dollar bill into the Star of David. Oh, man. See, what's so weird is that they're really trying to rail against, I guess, the atheists saying, and I don't know, anybody who doesn't like celebrate Ramadan. But you have Hanukkah, too. And Christians these days are usually so like, we support Israel. We're all with the Jews, except on Christmas. Fuck you, Jews.

Well, no, I mean, I think a lot of as far as I can tell, the big fundie push for the, or at least the Pat Robertson idea, is that he wants the reunification of Israel because that means the second coming. Yeah. Oh, I see the start of that now. Well, yeah, that's a part of it, but, you know. You think if they're going to bring around the end of the world and the salvation for man, you'd allow them to maybe not, you know, say, allow Happy Hanukkah on the holidays there, too. You know, that's all I'm saying

Okay, I see where this person came from The star is symbolizing the 13 colonies over the are arranged in the rough shape of the Star of David Alright, everybody Okay

Comment date, December 8 2009 9.36pm rating Christmas offensive comment star clerk told me they are not allowed to say Merry Christmas when I asked for a Christmas gift card rather than the generic type they had on display

what god like I don't understand. Are there just not enough things for you to be offended by on a day-to-day basis? It doesn't actually say Christmas on the gift card. God damn it!

God, these poor American babies. Wow. No mention of Christmas. I don't shop there anymore! Xmas is not a good greeting. December 6, 2009, 3.05pm. Rating, Christmas friendly.

Christmas music was being played December 5th in the American Eagle store in Towson, Maryland. Yay! That's good. Comment date December 4th, 2009 5.58pm. Rating Christmas offensive.

Christmas totally expunged from entire site. Search yielded no Christmas items. I am banging this on the keyboard and then I'm going to eat dinner. Christmas dinner. I am angry that I cannot get a

Santa hoodie. It's not holiday dinner. It's not Ramadan not eating. It's Christmas. Ramadan not eating. That's what they call it over there in Afghan-Iraq. Alright, that's true. I am on the American Eagle site right now.

Searching Christmas doesn't bring up anything. Oh no. They spell it wrong. I mean, they were right. My God. What about searching dick-hugging pants? Although, in fairness, they do sell clothes, not holidays. No holiday clothes.

If I search for pants, then pants come up. But if I search for Christmas, they don't actually sell Christmas. I talked to the manager of the store. As she told me she couldn't do anything about it. She told me to email them my concerns. I could find no way to email them, so I sent a letter though.

I told them I was disappointed with their policy, that I did a lot of my shopping there, but I would not be doing so anymore until I heard their policy had changed. Happy birthday, Jesus. Why so many ellipses?

There's going to be a sequel comment at some point, I believe. Rating, Christmas Offensive. With a name like American Eagle, one would think the company owners would be more American-friendly. Ellipses. A period followed by ellipses. To be continued.

On Black Friday, the store in Lithonia, Ga, was playing Christmas music throughout the store. I noticed because it was actually an overtly Christian song that said Jesus Christ over and over. Yeah, lady, I think the song goes, Jesus Christ, fuck, Jesus Christ, doesn't count. The sales ladies were very nice,

and it was a wonderful experience. You know, I think they're actually playing Alice in Chains. Yeah, they're probably playing Alice in Chains. Jesus Christ! The night will break! It was just the manager screaming at the employees. Jesus Christ!

Are you people all incompetent? Rudolph the Red Nose very dear Jesus Christ! You people are incompetent! Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Jesus Christ! Rating. Christmas offensive. Wow. Plenty of usages of the word gift, but not even a holiday,

let alone Christmas... dot dot dot dot. Aww. I'm sad. November 28th, 2009. 9.08 AM. Rating. Christmas friendly. Comment. Nice!

You gotta be douchebag about it. It's like, nice. Nice. That's nice. Yeah. Comment date, December 9th, 2009. Rating Christmas offensive.

Sad. The retailer wants to be part of the Christmas season, but is unwilling to acknowledge Christ. The more blind retailers get, the less sales they'll make. And it won't be for the economy. It will be wise and prudent shoppers who honor Christ as a reason for Christmas and the Jews could not

spend their money where Christ is not welcomed. It's part of the Islamists and their plot. You need to pray to Jesus so that you can be a good shopper. First it was 9-11 now it's our seasons. That's why the stereotype is that Jews are really bad with money.

Oh, yeah. First they came for the overpriced shirts, and I said nothing. All right, I got one more from the same. The one that they hate the most is The Gap. Yay! Yes. Something we have in common for different reasons I'm sure. Oh, it's because of that

one commercial, isn't it? This is going to be great. Yeah, somebody actually mentions it. I can't imagine anybody actually liking that commercial. For anybody who doesn't know, that commercial is basically they do this whole go Christmas, go Hanukkah

and they're accepting everyone and they say solstice and celebrate holiday know, go Christmas, go Hanukkah. And they like accepting everyone. And they say like solstice and, you know, celebrate holiday day. Have a tree. Have no tree. Celebrate and, you know, embrace everything, which I'm sure the Christians love. Oh, my God. Yeah. There is.

When I was going through it, there was a focus from the family. They have a they have a thing called One Million Moms, which actually doesn't exactly fit, but it might be worth reading in this one because it's all about there's a thing of their testimonials, which I like. But, yeah, they have, like, specific things that you have to boycott and why and the gap for that commercial. And you have to email them, too, really angrily. Right. And you have to email them, too, really angrily. Right.

Their holiday commercial was very offensive with the message, celebrate whatever you feel like, including solstice. I don't plan on ever shopping there unless they change their message. Yeah, I hated solstice. That game kicked my ass when I was a kid. How dare you take interest in the shortest day of the year?

I hated that game. Now what I love is that with the Fundy Christians, there's just you just have keywords and they just set them off. It's like the Manchurian candidate for offensiveness or something. Abortion! Like you could just be talking to someone, hey, I heard of this thing, like some people celebrate solstice and they turn

out, solstice? Although it works on the other side too, like. I was watching the rocket launches over at Cape Kennedy and they had to abort it. Ah! This is space! Ranch sequence initiated.

You hate Christians. Absolutely no mention of Christmas anywhere in the store. No happy holiday either. No! Wait. Isn't that supposed to be a bad thing? Happy holiday? It's a negligent thing.

Yeah, but it's bad, but it's worse to not have anything. Okay. They didn't even give him something to be offended by. That's the worst insult right there. Man, the greetings are so offensive and unchristian, and the portions are so small. December 16,

2009, 410pm Christmas night, little gent I was appalled by this year's attempt at a Christmas TV ad While attempting to please everyone and offend no one, it had the opposite effect. Celebrating whatever and doing

what you want is purely an example of today's worldly values. For the Christian employees at the Gap, I wouldn't want to work there. If I had the money to spend at places like the Gap, which I don't, I wouldn't

shop there either. Maybe you need a job at the Gap. I'd sure hate to be able to afford to shop there. Maybe a job at the Gap will make you more understanding. I can't afford to shop there, but that doesn't mean I'm not boycotting it. Damn, you showed them, son. You just lost out

on fictitious revenue. Rating. Christian offensive. I didn't see any Christmas decoration at Gap. Oh no. So are you offended by anything that doesn't have Christmas decoration on it? Yes, for pretty much all of December.

I'm offended year round. What's all this Valentine's Day shit? It's July. Where's the Christmas? Fuckers. Except for that one year I gave up Christmas for Lent. Man, these people must love, like, Walmart. November on, it's like, oh, finally.

Christmas everywhere. Yeah, Target had shit up on Halloween. I believe it. The gap has been intentionally offensive to Christmas for years. I remember about four years ago they decided not to decorate their stores during the holiday.

Not even trees or fake snow. Just completely ignore the season. It is weird for a retailer to take such a bold approach. After all, it is a time that they make money. My family decided not to shop there that year. I would not shop

there now. That's the best pronunciation of a trailing ellipsis ever. I would not shop there now that's great grandpa you kids and your celebrating Christmas offensive

Gap offends me by ignoring Christmas, and I and my entire family will ignore them with my credit cards. Now and in the future. Oh. My Visa can't hear you. I love that grammar. Offend them with my credit cards. Ignore them with my credit cards.

What's that, Visa? No, I don't know where the gap is. Talk to my hand. Credit cards are like, oh, snap! It's a fucking gap. I'm taking my credit cards to the American Eagle. What's that, credit card? You don't know what gap is?

You're a good boy, credit card. Special note by Focus Action Staff. This comment below is shared because we feel it serves as a worthy reminder to our readers to maintain common courtesy, even as we stand for our values in the public square. Thank you for the comment. I'm a manager at a Gap store. As a Christian, I feel condemned by reading some of your comments. We're allowed to say Merry Christmas. Please understand that Gap is a business, I feel condemned by reading some of your comments. We're allowed to say Merry

Christmas. Please understand that Gap is a business, not a church, and we have Jews, Muslims, atheists, and Christians who come into our store. I cannot assume everyone are Christians. The Sunday church crowd that comes in is so much more rude and mean than any other time of the week. Please use courtesy and know that you are a representation of Christ even when you shop. Please be nice. Retail workers need Christ too.

So they were willing to leave that comment in, but they had to put a little ed note in front of it. And not the ed note of the four that they yanked with somebody yelling at that guy. I mean, normally

we'd yell at this guy. This is actually a recent individual who doesn't get offended by anything and doesn't go off on a knee-jerk thing. Don't want to blow your mind. Just know before you read it that this is actually a human being. It was like there was some mysterious winter celebration. no mention of or colors of

christmas very sad i think is these do these people just have a memory problem like i mean if you go anywhere during during december it's fucking Christmas everywhere. And then suddenly, if you look at a wall, and the wall isn't green and red, you go, God damn it! What is it now? You win again, Richard Hawkins. I let those side into a snowy field,

and there was no green or red anywhere! That fucking field is just not Christmassy enough! See, I just love the idea that they have in their heads that anybody that's not only not christian and atheist but anybody well anybody that's not christian at all is actively against christmas i mean as an atheist myself i go to every department store every day i can during the holidays and flip off every mall Santa. I feel it's my duty as a citizen. Kicking over majors. How dare you wish me a happy Christmas?

Aren't you so much worth my feelings? Enjoy your opiate, masses. Okay, okay. Hail Marx. Just get in every little kid's face. Darwin says you're a monkey and your parents are Santa. Look at you. December 12th, 2009, 5.38 in the morning. Rating Christmas offensive.

I will not buy anything else from The Gap, which I am a huge fan of. By ignoring Christmas and offering Happy Solstice, a Wiccan Witch Warlock-acknowledged dedicated day, acknowledged, dedicated day, they have grossly offended not only me, but the majority of Americans. I will get the

word out to others as well. As soon as I pass this kidney stone! He did get the word out. Which warlock really is, you know, kind of an odd term to apply to a holiday. Well, it's all that transgender stuff.

Well, I was just glad that they put Wiccan in front of witch warlock because I thought maybe it would be a Hindu witch warlock. You know, you can't tell them apart. I didn't even know you could dual class witch warlock. A Wiccan witch warlock. You've got to be like fifth level in human, man. It's really hard. Let's not go down this road.

December 14th, 2009, 9.52am. Rating Christmas offensive. Comment all about holiday and nothing about Christmas. Poor Droopy. It's Joe Lieberman that wrote that one. There are too many Jews. Wait, what? You know what?

I'm the hero. Christmas friendly. I like the inclusiveness of their commercial this year, although doing whatever you want is still a bit flaky. Still, the inclusion of Christianity, Jewish, and other religions and non-religion was a nice message. Get off the site!

I'm a big fan of the religion of Jewish. There's no blade. Comment date, December 11, 2009, 325 PM. Rating Christmas negligent. Comment, clerk not allowed to say Merry Christmas. Damn. Thank you, ChrisBot5000. Initiate offense program.

The announcer from Portal. Patral. Patral. Rating. Christmas friendly. The new Gap commercials encourage everyone to celebrate the season their own way, including

Christmas. People need to be more open about these things. The commercials are horrendous. They're completely uncalled for and most definitely a defiant attack on Christmas. The TV ad is so offensive.

Gap is not a place I will shop. Oh no. Damn. You know, a lot of people posting on this, I don't think they'd have clothes that would fit these people at the Gap. So I don't think they're really losing business. And they have gay cashiers, so... I didn't want to touch money they've touched.

Reading. Christmas offensive. No Christmas displays. They want the Christmas dollar sign, dollar sign, dollar sign. But why you don't celebrate? They don't celebrate what?

I'm not sure what. Don't you guys understand that taking Christmas out of your store is discriminating against most Americans? Of those poor Americans! that taking Christmas out of your store is discriminating against most Americans? Of those poor Americans! God! So discriminated against!

Yeah. Oh, my shit! Oh, I don't even know where to start with that. How is that? Oh, God. It's hard to be a white Christian American. It's time to pour one out for most Americans. My foreign heart goes out to you guys.

So just discriminate against all the time. Writing. Christmas offensive. I saw the commercial which drew focus away from Christmas and before they even revealed who the retailer was, I had made up my mind.

I am never shopping there again. Lo and behold, Gap. Too bad. I have five kids who will get their clothes elsewhere. Thanks, Mom!

This is the best Christmas ever! I got underwear! There's no gap in got underwear! There's no gap on that underwear. Oh no! And just based on this site, you can't shop at Old Navy either, because that's...

because that doesn't work. You mean apart from the terrible sweatshop practices? No! Well, fuck that! Nobody's offended by that! Oh my god! What are you talking about? Nobody's offended by that. Oh, my bad. What are you talking about? That's discriminating against people other than white people. That's okay. Oh, yeah.

The best store on this site, the most Christian-friendly store, Cabela's. I could see that, yeah. I mean, they sell guns in there. Number two is Bass Pro Shops. You're wrong.

Oh, no. Was it Bass Pro Shops? Yes, it's Bass Pro Shops. 98% friendly, 2% negligent. I'm surprised Walmart is this far down. There's like five pages worth of people that have gone to the trouble of logging in to say the exact same thing. people that have gone to the trouble of logging in to say the exact same thing. The one that gets me

is Lane Bryant is apparently 83% negligent but only 17% offensive. Yeah, that's actually weird that that many people wouldn't comment in histrionic extremes. Lane Bryant,

we just don't give a shit. Best Buy is hands down the worst store only 5% friendly 18% negligent and 77% offensive wow oh are we really going to stop because I really wonder what they have to say about Best Buy

oh Best Buy I like this one specifically the third one is good the third one is really good in Best Buy. Best Buy has a good... I like this one specifically. The third one is good. The third one is really good in Best Buy. Alright, take it. As a Christian and freedom-loving American

patriot, I was extremely offended by Best Buy choosing to with the mullions a happy holiday and have not made any attempt of wishing the Christians a Merry Christmas in their ad campaign which I am checking weekly. So to recap, Except for you, Best Buy. You suck. So to recap, a victory for the Christians is them saying

Merry Christmas. A victory for the Muslims is them saying Happy Holidays. Even when the major Muslim holiday doesn't fall. Okay. And it's not so much a holiday as in a time of fasting and remembrance.

It's more like Veterans Day or something, you know, in a religious way. So it's not really all that fun. Yeah. Also, they seem to have confused an entire religious sect with some kind of flower. I don't know. Millennium sounds like a flower to me. I wanted to do this one. December 16, 2009, 9.54 p.m.

Rating Christmas negligent. Although there was nonstop Christmas music during my rock's 45 minutes in the store, when I finalized my purchase and leaving the counter, I wished my cashier a Merry Christmas, and he said very blandly, you too. Oh my god. I didn't actually say Merry Christmas.

I said, I agree with what you said, and that's fucking... Why did he not bring out his rosary and kiss it in front of me? Wait, wait, wait. He said that's negligent, not offensive.

I just love the contrast. It's like, this is supposed to be a time about forgiving and caring and happiness. Now, screw everybody who isn't Christian. Merry Christmas! There is hope for Best Buy.

While they wished a happy Eid al-Adha to the Muslims, they wished happy Hanukkah to the Jews in this week's ad. There is hope that they may actually wish us Merry Christmas. I sent the company an email to let them know that I am watching.

Which watches the watchers. Just furiously F5-ing their website. I don't know if this is the same commercial everywhere, but the Best Buy commercials on TV are like, they're doing Christmas carols. It's so much of their ad campaign now is Christmas. But they changed the word.

They're not singing Christmas carols. They're singing about products. Well, okay, yeah, then they're damned. All right, so I'm going to do this one. This is from Mighty Right damned. All right, so I'm going to do this one. This is from Mighty Righty. All right. 2009, the war on Christmas. The war on Christmas commences!

Yay! Oh, no! War! Oh, wait, that's bad, isn't it? The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, November 3rd, 2009. The president of the Catholic League, Bill Donahue, notes that the 2009 war on Christmas has begun. So already three times we've said war on Christmas.

Yes. For almost three decades, there has been a Christmas parade in Amelia, Ohio, a village outside Cincinnati. But this year, there will be none. That's because one person complained, Village Solicitor Laura Abrams. Her complaint? The word Christmas.

Dun, dun, dun. Village changed the name to the Holiday Parade, though it did not say what holiday was being celebrated. Oh! That's good. No! That's good. Damn! Alright. Understandably,

this dishonest scheme created a furor, the result being, there will be no parade. Oh no. There will be no Christmas tree this year on the Capitol lawn in Frankfort, no. No! Oh, God! That's like the fourth horseman.

Damn! That's not true. A holiday tree looks like a Christmas tree. Yeah, a holiday tree is, in fact, a Christmas tree. No, a holiday tree is in fact a Christmas tree. No other... Like, there's such a thing as a Hanukkah bush, but that wasn't even in the mid-80s. Why are they just hanging a sign on it? Not a Christmas tree.

Yeah, but it's going to have an AK-47 on the top of it. The real problems start when they start putting up the Ramadan poison ivy. Oh! The official line is that the holiday tree is inclusive of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year's, though no one has ever heard of a Thanksgiving tree, Hanukkah tree, or New Year's tree. Well, then, I guess it's a good thing it's not called that, huh? Yeah.

You're going to get hypothetically offended at things that don't happen the new year's tree is actually just a bunch of beer bottles stacked up on each other a new year's tree is oh god i'm gonna hurl by this tree guys when world war ii ended a local resident from Warren, Michigan, decided to erect a nativity scene on a public median. The same family has privately maintained this tradition ever since. But they won't be one this year because a lawsuit argues it is discriminatory. In Olympia, Washington, religious displays have been banned inside municipal buildings. But outside the buildings, it is okay.

Well, not really. Atheists are already protesting that decision. Wait, I'm confused now! Arizona is supplying this year's Christmas tree in the nation's capital. Attempts to bar students from making religious ornaments were defeated, but only because of a threatened lawsuit. Make no mistake about it, the declared enemy of these cultural fascists is religious speech,

and they will stop at nothing to censor it. Cultural fascists! Cultural fascists. I just want us all to take a moment and drink that term in. I am. It's enjoyable. I think Ryan's dress should be the Mussolini for the cultural fascists. I feel like I've leveled up here or something.

Cultural fascists. What does that even mean? You see, fascism is bad. So if you attach it to anything else, it automatically makes that bad, too. Oh, yeah, it makes sense now. If somebody cuts you off in traffic, you go, oh, that driving fascist. It's clearing up for me now. Now I get it.

Yeah, if somebody interrupts you in the middle of the podcast, they're being a podcast fascist. Oh-ho. Zing! Stay tuned. We're only in early November. The best computer is a man and it's the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labor.

Werner von Braun, rocket scientist 1912 through 1977. So here's all these cultural fascists. They're horrible. Now here's a quote from a Nazi. Brilliant! Yeah, so does that mean that I can't even parse what that's supposed to...

It means fucking is good. Okay, alright, well good. Well done. You say that's. Well, good. Well done. You say that's the reason for everything, Ace here. Werner Von Braun says we should be making some of the best computers. All right. I want to hear from Captain America now.

That's why I'm here. Oh, yeah. Re 2009, the war on Christmas. Someone needs to take a bat To these asshats knees And scream Merry Christmas Asshole

See Just imagining that fills me with holiday cheer Democracy Can withstand anything But Democrats Jhupal Harsha democracy can withstand anything but democrats a government-supported artist is an incompetent oh the last one is so great yes this is my favorite so this is how liberty dies with thunderous applause senator Senator Padme Amidala

watching Obama's inauguration. What? Burn! So, is Jules Harshal, is that this guy's real name, do you think? I'll bet it is. It probably is. It's probably quoted himself. The Star Wars

quote is my favorite. And the last quote from Lena Forwish Order one of these buttons And wear it at Christmas Wish me a Merry Christmas campaign It's okay to wish me a Merry Christmas Take a stand against the war on Christmas And encourage others to do the same

Actually It's better Jubal Harshaw Is a fictional character featured in Stranger in a Strange Land unnoticed by Robert A. Heinlein. A Heinlein quote and turning a Star Wars quote into something about Obama.

Yes. It's just, it's, when you find diamonds like these, it's beautiful. That's magic. So happy. Alright, so this one is called Random, this is also from The Mighty Righty, which is called Random Thoughts Holiday Edition and there's a

number of comments, all of them are pretty good so I think just take a quick look and decide on what character you want Alright Harv First and foremost to any program director who thinks Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a beloved Christmas classic, it's not.

It sucks. Anyone who chuckles at this song or, heaven forbid, requests it to be played on the radio deserves a special place in hell. Simmering over glowing coals and forced to listen to Ray Stevens' greatest hits, scratch out, Ray Stevens' greatest hits. As sung by Cletus T. Judd for all eternity. If you can, visit your local DHR and obtain a child's Christmas list. Fill it. It's anonymous. It's one of the more rewarding things you'll ever do. Wait, some other child's Christmas list?

Well, yeah. Like the wishing tree or whatever? Yeah, like a poor kid will say, you know, I want a pint of cocaine, I want a beer, whatever. You fill it out, you give it in. It's a good thing. I want a beer for Christmas, Mommy. To the meth-addled lady in Walmart.

To the meth-addled lady in Walmart To the meth-addled lady in Walmart trying to buy CDs with a WIC card Stop having kids I got five on it Will someone please tell Barack Obama that it's not Monopoly

money he's spending Oh, snap! Oh, burn! The old Rankin-Bass Christmas specials are awesome. Any Hallmark made-for-TV Christmas special, not so much. To the meth-addled person reading this post, stop having a keyboard.

This is going to be syndicated in the USA today in a couple months. Christmas movies. A Christmas Carol, Patrick Stewart, George C. Scott, or Alistair Simvirgins are all acceptable. Watch all of them. A Christmas Story. This one never gets old. To me, anyway. And yes, I'll say it.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation with Moonbat Chevy Chase. Traitor! Traitor! If you insist on buying an inflatable Santa or snowman for your yard, maintain it. How do you maintain it? You gotta pee on it

from time to time, I guess. To the lady at Walmart who called me an asshole last year, Merry Christmas. Walk faster and people won't pass you. On this same topic, do not wear flip-flops and pajama bottoms to Walmart

in December or ever. Please. You might defend Harv. Who am I kidding? I'm not going back there. Sorry, Walmart. To the guy coughing and wheezing up a lung in Office Max,

while I appreciate your generosity in spreading swine flu or God knows what around the community, stay home. Celebrate Christmas, unless it inconveniences me. Moonbat though she is,

Annie Lennox has a beautiful voice and her version of Winter Wonderland, Eurythmics, has a good beat and you can dance to it. Doesn't hold a candle to the David Bowie, Bing Crosby version of Little Drummer Boy though. What?

That's the worst Christmas song in the entire world. That is the most awkward garbage ever put to recording. So Annie Lennox is a moonbat, but David Bowie isn't a moonbat. Yeah, yeah. Well, David Bowie, like, pissed up in Nazi clothes for a little while, so maybe that makes him okay. Of course it does. To all distant relatives, deceased

grandparents, and others who might be so inclined, I don't need any more Old Spice in deodorant, aftershave, or cologne form. I'd rather smell like mustard gas. And I have Old Spice to re-sync the Titanic. And anyway, I use Teenspear.

I wonder if I can start charcoal with it. I can't imagine why people keep giving me deodorant It's pretty obvious this guy fancies himself to be like the Jerry Seinfeld of Christmas outrage. He's like, I'm so funny Add to this thread your

holiday peeves as you see fit Merry Christmas. Does anyone wonder why Deodorant is such a good Christmas gift all this year? That's from the woman who wanted to buy her kids clothing for Christmas. Copyright 2009. Words of wisdom

thrown down from Mount Harve. Whoa! His sig says copyright 2009. Everything that he posts is a copyrighted treasure. Oh god. So his sig says Copyright 2009. Everything that he posts is a copyrighted treasure. Oh, God. He just wants to make sure, like, if he's ever discovered and he makes it big,

he wants to make sure that, you know. That shit came from Mount Harv, bitch! Oh, yeah. Every time he says this, he imagines himself, like, speaking it on a sitcom called Mount Harve. Coming down from on high, baby. Yeah. Steve, radio stations playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving. Arrgh! Arrgh!

If I hear Feliz Navidad by Jose Flanchano even once before Dec. 20th, I'm going to go postal. Feliz Navidad. Feliz Navidad. That song is... Her signature picture is the classiest thing I've ever seen. There's a dude with Obama shaved in his head, and it's entitled,

Butthead. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Wow. I don't know what they're saying in that song, but I know it's un-Christmas. It's happening early. In December, even. She's not very conservative. It's Mexican Christmas music.

It's immigrants. That's the problem. Right. Even when it was atheists, I knew it was immigrants. Fucking immigrants. Spirit of Ronald Reagan says, Another season of PCPC crowd getting angry when they hear Merry Christmas.

After they get offended about hearing Christmas, I ask them if they are offended enough to work on the 25th. Of course we all know that answer. Yeah, you don't ever do that. This thing you always do. You've never in your life said that. Pet peeves. People that get offended when I attach mistletoe to a bell hoop

on the back of my pants. Whoa! Give you analingus on Christmas? I put it in my mind. Attaching jingle. Here's the mistletoe. Attaching jingle. Here's the mistletoe. Attaching to the... It's to get people...

It's like saying kiss my ass, pretty much. Oh, man, he's a radical. He hates it. So let me get this straight. He's going around with a physical sign which effectively says kiss my ass, and then he's annoyed that people got offended. Okay. Attaching to the front belt loop my ass. And then he's annoyed that people get offended. Okay!

Attaching to the front belt loop yields better results and rapid harassment lawsuits. I'm so glad that came down from Mount Harve. Yeah. The thing, his description for Harve is today's Tom

Sawyer. I wonder where I've heard that before. I don't know. He gets high on you and the space he invades, he gets by on you. All around

too many ugly women. I really don't want to chance one of them liking the idea. Alright, from Aaron Burr, evil conservative. I really don't want to chance one of them liking the idea. All right. From Aaron Burr, Evil Conservative. Oh, holiday jeers. Let me get drunker. Hold on.

Okay. You know what mutants me off? People who celebrate X-Mas instead of Christmas. For example, X-Mass instead of Chris-Mass. For example, X-Mass lights. Gay. X-Mass pop music. Gay. Anything X-Mass on TV.

Gay. X-Mass shopping. Gayer than the SF Pride Parade. Gay. Oh, and fake X-Mass trees. Gay. Oh, and fake X-Mas trees. Gay. Aaron Burr? Gay.

So wait a sec, hold on. It's not a Christmas tree, so it's an X-Mas tree. It's not even an X-Mas tree, it's a fake X-Mas tree. It's like Reels Within Wheels here. Gay. Gay.

Holiday cheers, Nat King Cole, Christmas channels, flip, which has a footnote here. The Pope's annual Christmas Eve address to the planet, getting, giving one nice, thoughtful presents instead of a pile of junk. And then my footnote, flip, a colonial drink served at parties, three eggs, three teaspoons of sugar, mix while adding a shot jigger of dark rum, and one brandy, add some beer, and then shove a red hot poker in the mess!

Revoltious. Revelicious. Oh, revelicious, thank you. Yeah, fuck Nat King Cole. No, he's a cheer. He's a cheer? He's not gay. Nat King Cole, Christmas candles, and getting plowed.

That's what Christmas is all about. Oh, and the Pope. This guy's a Catholic. Getting plowed while watching the Pope. Wait a minute. Plowing the Pope. With that post, and with the one right below it, is this like an ironic conservative site? I'm not sure.

These people don't seem to be very conservative. It's impossible to tell. Maybe it's a bunch of trolls who started their own forum and then it kind of became a thing. It's a practice forum. I don't know. Well, the one guy's a Catholic, so you know he's not a proper conservative to begin with. Yeah, yeah.

Thumbelina. Ho, ho, ho. Only thing I hate about Christmas this year, my boys no longer believe in Santa Claus. That's not as fun. Sad face. Oh. Oh.

And this is in reply to Aaron Burr talking about getting drunker. Am I to regret sending you 750 milliliters of La Fe Verte? You are to slowly pour water over the spoon to dissolve the sugar

resulting in a cloudy cocktail. Drinking straight from the bottle produces disastrous results. Wait, are you sending me absinthe? Yes, the favorite is absinthe. And he's right. You drink it from the bottle, it is the most disgusting thing known to man.

Well, in response to that, I have one thing to say, which is, Flargoharv! Mimble Puzz! Double ellipsis! Flargo Harve! Flargo Harve! Puzz!

I think we've fallen for the troll, gentlemen. Aww. Aww. And this is in response to Thumbelina hating that her boys no longer believe in Santa Claus, not as fun. The holiday can lose its magic, aside from the obvious religious aspect.

Get the DHR list. Do it with your kids. Save the giving spirit for me. For less than 100 bucks, we got a kid a jacket, socks, underwear, a football, a basketball, some remote controlled car he wanted, batteries, and some candy. His meth head parents got nothing.

His foster parents gave him a good Christmas. Well, that seems conservative. Unless you count the money they got from selling all that crap he gave them. Remote controlled car, cha-ching! So have we been socially engineered here, guys, or what?

I don't know. This site, I looked around and... No, there's other ones which are really quite... There's more. Yeah. Thank God it's now. It's now. And there we go.

The war on Christmas distilled. John, what do you think you learned this week? I learned that major retailers are part of a plot to kill Santa. Oh. And also Jesus, but mostly Santa. Yeah. Okay, that's a good point. No, this whole notion that if they didn't say Christmas

enough, or if there wasn't enough crucifixes or candy canes, or I don't know what else, that they're actively against Christmas, or this is some slight, you know. It just amazes me. It really is just loving to be offended and any reason they can find to be offended

and boycott things. See, that's the thing that always sticks me – that gets to me is that it's so easy to be offended by retail and the terrible music that they play or the humiliating outfits that they have to put people in or the slave labor that actually makes the products that you buy. It's so easy. You could have your pick of things to be offended by and yet if it's a section where it's all christmas cards and then the sign says holiday cards like that's the thing that gets to them right well it just seems like you're just ruining the holidays for yourself is what gets me you know it's all christmas and there's all the stress of you know getting family together and decorating everything and getting presents, and then, oh yeah,

you've got to hate the liberal conspiracy for killing Jesus, too. It's like the war on Christmas. I have to fight it. Just stop caring. You'll free yourself. Maybe that's their stress therapy, honestly. Maybe that's the thing, is that they're stressed out from credit card debt

piling up and making sure that they got the right thing for Aunt Janie and stuff like that and it gets to you and then to let it all out it's like I'm going to blame the liberals for a month. I think in a few decades this is going to be filed under things that you have to listen to Grandpa tell you about.

There's this conspiracy where they're trying to kill Santa killed children and it's like yeah, we heard about it. I wish you were in a good war. Our thanks, of course, to our readers, and additional thanks to those of you who have contributed stuff. Believe me, we've noticed. We've been getting to some of it,

and we will get into more of your contributions later. If you want to give a contribution, if you have some sort of horrible thing you found on the internet, the website is. T H E F P L dot U S. That's correct. And until next time, um,

I don't know something. Thanks for contributing. And don't let your Christmas not be an offensive Christmas. It's Christmas time Let them know it's Christmas time Let them know it's Christmas time at Viva. Let them know it's Christmas time at Viva. I am 7% bacon.