The F Plus - 122: The Gospel of Saint Jimmy Olsen

Episode Date: January 6, 2014

Religion is one way to find meaning in one's life, and while it may be spiritually fulfilling, it's still not as fun as sitting in your room and reading Batman comics all day. Well, fortunately these are two great tastes that can go great together. This episode is about Pop Culture Pagans - People who believe their favorite fictional characters are their gods. No, really, they actually totally mean that. This week, you can add graveyard dirt if you like.

Yeah, and then it was like, oh, this is like a cool fucking underground thing. It was like, here's a bunch of dumb bullshit. How's it going? This is the F Plus Podcast. Terrible Things. Red of Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. I'm Boots Reingear.

Boots, how are you doing? Pretty good, pretty good. It's a Sunday. It is. Sunday, which, when we're recording this, which means I would normally go to church if I were the kind of person that goes to church. Sure, that's a big if, alright. But I don't worship, you know, some Christian god. Yeah, that's for sheeple. Yeah. But I don't worship some Christian god.

Yeah, that's for sheeple. What do you worship? Doctor Strange. Doctor Strange, the Marvel thing? Yeah, the guy from Marvel. Sure. So how does that work? Okay, well, every evening, as the moon is rising, I put on a cape.

This is a really strange Creed and Clearwater song. Go ahead. I put on a crepe. You put on a crepe? Right. Okay. Is it a savory crepe or a sweet crepe? It's a savory crepe.

Okay. Go on. Okay, go on. And I say a prayer to Modok and to Squirrel Girl that they will protect and preserve Doctor Strange for all of eternity. Hey, I want you to look down. I want you to look down. I want you to see the rails. And then I want you to see the intro that we're doing right now.

Which is off the rails. Anyway, what we have tonight is an episode on pop culture pagans. People like Mr. Reingear described himself. People who worship...

Oh, what are some of the worship figures there's Batman obviously Batman Iron Man Harry Potter sure and a couple little surprises that I don't want to spoil yet right right so if you've had enough with Mohammed

and Yahweh and all of that shit the new time for a new religion is now. Readers assemble! In the room tonight we have Boots Rain Gear. Catwoman and I go way back, but I've since developed a particularly special bond with Alfred. Yes, my hon?

Instead of a crucifix, there will be a USB drive full of Iron Man comics, because... Jack-Jack! But what the hell does this have to do with Batman? Come quats up!

I have a spirit guide of sorts named Davy Jones. I also have a ghost dog that follows me around. And Lemon. Since I dropped out of college, I've found myself becoming a devotee of Loki, a wicked witch, and a curse worker, a fortune teller,

and the girlfriend of an atheist political philosopher. Wow, you're so interesting. Oh, son of a bitch! You ever heard of the human class? Hey, F+. Hi, Lemon. Hi, Lemon. Oh, shit, I'm done. What would you say are your

personal gods? Like, who, you know, in your moments of... Lemmy. That's what I thought. Lobster... Fucking Lemmy. Lemmy? Yeah. That's what I thought. Lobster hands. Lemmy. Lobster hands.

Most people elect to have a god that showers, but you went for Lemmy instead. So that's one option. I want to introduce you to the world of pop culture pagans. Pagans? I want to introduce you to the world of pop culture pagans. These are people who are really, really into general bits of pop culture, comic book heroes, video game heroes, and the like, to the point where their religion is actually founded on the thing that they like, because there is no bottom to the horribleness that fandom can create. Yes, I'm sure this happened organically and not as a result of trying to one-up other fans constantly.

No, that wouldn't happen. All right, well, let me introduce you to our first god. His name is Batman. We are going to go to sonsofthebatman.blogspot.com and Boots, if you'll get us started here. Sure. Before you do

anything, can you read the subtitle of the site? Yes. Well, the title is impossible to read, so I'll have to read the subtitle. If you hover over it, it's fine. Oh, I see. to read the subtitle. If you hover over it, it's fine. Yeah. Oh, I see.

That's a good feature. Yep. This is The Sons of the Batman. Could you elaborate on that? Yes. A magical order dedicated to the spiritual model provided by the world's greatest urban shaman, the Batman. What? Which Batman? urban shaman? The Batman. What? Which?

Which Batman? Like, are we talking about Michael Keaton? Are we talking about Val Kilmer? Like, which is the greatest urban shaman? I believe this is the comic book Batman. I think those are just like fleshy incarnations of the Batman.

I really think it's gotta be Val Kilmer. This is the Batman as envisioned in detective comics. All right, take it away. I'm going to tell you about the optional paradigms of the religion of Batman-y-ness. Thought form universe. The Batman is a thought form created in 1939. In the 73 years

since, millions have contributed to the thought form, deepening its archetypal resonance. I don't think that's true. I think that probably only a few people have actually contributed to it in any meaningful way. What percentage of the population do you think has typed the word thought form and what percentage of that are pricks?

Zero? one hundred? Heavy percent. Wait, wait. Oh, it's rounded down. Okay. Statistically insignificant from zero. Yeah,.00000001%. Adjusted for inflation. Dicks.

Now we have an autonomous entity that exists and calls itself Batman. Oh. Or one that appears to believe that it is Batman. Or maybe something else entirely. You're not Batman! I know Batman, and you, sir, are no Batman.

Either way, it reacts as though it were real, and seems to have an existence that can be experienced. Sure. Are you going to start making sense soon? No. Damn it. Nope. Nope. And now, higher reality download. Oh, I think we're on a

good track now. The Batman has always existed and was channeled through Bill Finger and crew as they rushed out a character to make their boss happy. They probably never thought of their creation as a cultural icon, and they just happened to be the perfect channels for the Batman to manifest through.

I did not expect the lameness of the internet. Yay! Boots, would you please... Don't actually read the articles on the sidebar, but I'd just like to give you... If you'd give me the titles of the posts on the sidebar, but I'd just like to give you, if you'd give me the titles of the posts on the sidebar. Sure. The first post on this

site is The Tenets of the Sons of the Batman. No, no, no, no. The other side. The popular posts. Oh, the other side. Popular posts about this bullshit. Yep. Sipping on that haterade. Or, Why Pagans Can Be Worse Than Fundamentalists. Your first title was better. sip it on that haterade or why pagans can be worse than fundamentalists

your first title was better first title was definitely better yeah what else? the cat and the bat need help witnessing to a friend? batman witnessing? hey there I'm elder johnson have you heard the good

news about Batman? Oh wow yeah it's an actual Batman like Chick tract that you can print out And give to people that you hate Do you have a few moments to talk about Bruce Wayne? Smile the Batman loves you And what else? The tenets of the sons of the Batman

And Please do not look directly at the bat signal you. And what else? The tenets of the sons of the Batman. And please do not look directly at the bat signal. Raiders of the Lost Ark shit is gonna happen. That's how Commissioner Gordon's face melted. Oh my god! Click on the bat signal one. Well, no, because I already clicked on the need help witnessing to a friend

I printed up the chick tract and I just want to read it to you. Or, I'm sorry, the bat tract. Well, no, it's just, no, because I already clicked on the Need help witnessing to a friend I printed up the chick tract, and I just want to read it to you Or, I'm sorry, the bat tract Well, no, it's... Here, let me... Excuse me, sir Are you feeling unwanted? Unloved? Confused? There is someone who cares about you and loves you very much That person is the Batman

Oh It would be at this point that I walk away No, no, no I have more Let go of my sleeve Batman. Oh. It would be at this point that I walk away. No, no, no. No, I have more. I have more. Let go of my sleeve. There's no way I'd walk away from this guy. I'd be concerned for my safety.

All right, here. The Batman wants to give you a free gift. The gift of ego annihilation and fellowship with him here on Earth. And him when you refer to Batman as capitalized, of course. Yes. As it says in Batman and The Outsiders number two,

you are all looking for something and I can help you find it, whether it's the proper way to use your powers or who you really are or simply some kind of purpose in your lives. Bar!

I guess that's the writer who wrote that? Yeah, Roseanne. So the holy texts are the actual Batman comics? I assume so. I mean, yeah, you always, yeah, you need source material. All you have to do to receive this gift is to accept

that Gotham City is inside you and ask the Batman into your heart! Whoa! Are we sure this isn't like a parody? Accept that Gotham City is inside you and ask the Batman into your heart. Whoa. Are we sure this isn't like a parody? No, I don't think it is. There certainly is a lot of text for this to be a parody. This isn't even creative. It's just the Protestant way of doing things.

It's the Protestant model with Batman control V'd in. To become a son of the Batman, you must believe that he is the perfect being, that he died fighting the god of evil to save you. Joker, I guess. And that he returned across space in time to become a god. Will you be a son of Batman? If so, believe with all your heart and pray to him, saying,

Oh, Batman, be merciful to me. Come into my heart, caped crusader, and make me the kind of person you want me to be. Thank you, Dark Knight, for saving me and loving me. And thus, in the Book of Miller, he did say, I am the motherfucking Batman. Are you sure this wouldn't creep you out at least a little bit?

It would take a while I think it would be just too induced That point when you realize these guys aren't just having fun and are totally serious I don't understand how a tract from the bible contains a comic, yet a tract

based on a comic cannot have a comic That's a good question. The chip tracks? These people obviously are not comic artists. So this is paganism, which means that in the religion of the Batman, there are spells! Oh, good.

Sweet. Kumquats, would you give us the invocation of Gotham City? So invoke Gotham City upon us. Number one. Standing in a relaxed position, face the east. Or most prominent window in the room. This window will henceforth be considered East.

Bend the cardinal directions to your will. Move Mecca with your mind. I could have gone into the dining room, but there's a nice bay window in the living room, so East is West now. I don't know why you need a window to pray. Okay, whatever. Number two. Begin the four-fold breath.

It's like a Windsor knot of breathing. I already know how to do that from the Chi episode. Right. Number three. Visualize Gotham City rising from the front surface of your body.

Sure. Oner. Sure. On it. You're forcing yourself to trip balls now. But now it's going to smash through the window. Maybe it'll just sit on your chest. It'll be like having a city on your chest. I need to erect Gotham City. Make this visualization as detailed or as vague as you like.

Of course. Yeah, no problem. You're passive aggressive with me. Shit. I think you've already done that, but thanks. Yeah, yeah. Number four. Yep.

Visualize an unlit bat signal on your solar plexus. Okay. Thisus. Done? Number five. Say, I shall become a bat. I shall become a bat. I shall become a bat. Number six.

Visualize a white light above your head. As you breathe in, the light draws a line down through your head into the signal. When it hits the signal, it lights, projecting the bat symbol to the east. Let the light fade away. Oh my god, there's a city coming out of my nipple! So the light is coming down into the bat signal that should be originating the light? No, well, so the light comes from above your head and then forms a straight line that goes then through the center of your head to the bat signal that's on your chest.

Oh, so the bat signal is receiving on your chest. Oh, so the bat signal is receiving light, it's not giving light out like the actual bat signal. It's more like Iron Man. I've actually felt kind of bad for Batman, you know, with the whole parents being dead thing.

Kumquat, will you scroll down to the bottom of that page and bring Batman's family back to life yeah I don't know why anybody didn't think of this sooner the whole storyline could have just gone up oh my parents are dead

my parents are back alive you can't just make characters come back to life come on now terrific comic book writing, you can't just make characters come back to life. Come on now. Terrific. Evocation of the Bat Family! Oh, see, the Bat Family doesn't include his parents.

Oh, it doesn't? No, it's like Batgirl and Robin and Alfred and Ben. Yeah, you are going to be the vortex of this episode, aren't you? Yay! So can anybody else tell who reads comic books? Remain facing

east for the duration of the ritual. True east or fake east? What is their obsession about east? Is it east or convenient East? That's a bad East. Yeah. Number one.

If you have lost the visualization of yourself as Gotham, by this time, as I usually do, take a moment to re... What? I am unconfident in my ability to project Gotham out of my own stomach. No, no, just maintaining it. I have a city coming out of me.

Wait. We assume you have really terrible... But this just implied that I was to make my entire person Gotham City. Keep going. Number two. In the east, visualize Barbara Gordon in any of her

aspects. Batgirl Oracle. Okay. Call out Barbara Gordon. Barbara Gordon! She turns her back to you, guarding the east. What the hell, bitch? Barbara Gordon! Barbara Gordon! She turns her back to you,

guarding the east. What the hell, bitch? Just summoned you, and now you just completely shut me out like that? Just looking out that window instead. Yeah. Number three. In the west,

visualize Dick Grayson in any of his aspects. Okay. Batman Nightwing Robin. Sure. Call out Dick Grayson. He turns his back to you, guarding the West. Okay. Good.

Good. Yep. Good. Yep. Yep. Now I'm being ignored by two people. Yeah, this is like a cocktail party for me. Bat cocktail party.

Number four. In the South, visualize Jim Gordon. Well, let me guess. Do I get to call out Jim Gordon? Well, in any of his aspects, Jim Gordon. Yeah, he's just a Gordon. Yeah. Call out Jim Gordon.

He curtsies back to you. A bottle of Gordon's Jim. Number five. In the North. Visualize Alfred Pennyworth. Call out Alfred Pennyworth. He turns his back to you, guarding the North! Well, that is unacceptable.

Shouldn't he be my butler? Hey, yeah! He assumes your command is going to be guard the North, Alfred. I would specify that. I don't want my butlers to anticipate my needs that strongly. Number

six. Hold all the strongly. Number six. Hold all the images. Hold them. Yeah. You've accumulated until they are settled in Wikipedia. Wikipedia article on lesser ritual of the pentagram. Good. Well, I'm not sure what that did, but I'm sure it was super helpful.

I modify that. Now it's a lesser ritual of the Batman Square. Just hold until they're settled in, you know, until they get their stuff out of storage and they get their chairs in. Yeah, and then they should be good to live in the city, the Gotham City, by themselves. In your chest. So we're going to speed along through these spells here. We've already summoned Gotham City. Then we summoned some people that live in Gotham City.

Now we're going to get into some more advanced shit. Once you feel like you've mastered the Banishing Ritual of the Bat Signal or the BRBS wink, it'll be time to jump into invocation, as opposed to evocation. Isfahan, will you inflame thyself with prayer?

Inflame thyself with prayer. It's a spooky spell. Our first goal is to absorb as much information about the Batman as possible. Yay, I get to read comic books! Yes. Yay, I get to read comic books! Yes. Yay! Yay!

Spend a few days devoting any spare thought to him, which, for these people, probably would not be that big of a job. Clearly aren't doing that already. You are on a religion of Batman site. Who he is and how he came to be. Watch Batman movies and TV shows, but not

that Joel Schumacher shit. That shit sucks. No, that's not right. Listen to Batman soundtracks. Oh, just bat dance on repeat. Great. Does that include the 60s shitty Batman? No, no, no.

That would be amazing. Read the me, kill me. Like the 60s shitty Batman? No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. That'd be amazing. Read the comics, of course. Wear your favorite Batman shirt like it was a WWJDT. Wait, that makes sense. Because goodness knows people get respect for wearing that. Aren't those normally bracelets?

Yeah. I'm sure that they are. Yeah, yeah. I mean, God knows, you know, like fundamentalist christians like merchandising the hell out of a simple concept you can't imagine that that happens you know get one of those bat signal stickers for the back of your car yep eat shit sleep batman at the height of you self-induced bat frenzy

write your invocation it's it's a lot of work uh-induced bat frenzy, write your invocation. It's a lot of work accomplishing a Batman shit. Nicholas, did you look for a job today? Quiet, Mom! I'm reaching Nirvana! I just shit a pure Batman. According to Hine, there are three steps to a devotional invocation. One. Deeds of the entity are told in the third person. Two. Qualities

of the entity are described in the second person. Three. Powers of the entity are spoken of in the first person. This invocation can take any form. Liturgical prayer seems to be the most common, but poetry, songs, prose, or artistic acts can also be used.

So that Batman fanfic you wrote in seventh grade, you were actually a prophet. Oh. Well, thank you. It seems to me that the most effective invocatory prayers are the ones we write ourselves, so I won't be posting an example until someone else already has. I'm kind of lazy.

So get to it and share what you come up with. Oh, this was just a clever way to get people to submit stuff to the site. Okay. All right, just take us through the steps of the ritual, please. Ritual. Surround the ritual space in fetish items pertaining to the Batman.

Toys, comics, etc. You want to be reminded of the Batman wherever you may be looking. I own the Batman Ark and Siloam game and I will turn it on and aim the camera

at an angle that places a living, breathing Batman on my TV screen. Oh my god. Oh my god. What the fuck? I've never seen a video game character look so creeped out.

You can also play music you associate with him, or burn incense that holds an association. There's guano incense? He's not capitalizing the H in him. Yeah. There may be a timing issue when it comes to certain ritual implements. Right. In the above example, I leave the game running with the TV off.

I turn it on as I reach the second part of the invocation. What the hell? I just... I don't understand. Oh, okay. You wouldn't want to take Batman's I then turn the TV off again when I get to the third part. It wouldn't make sense to speak of him in the first person if he is standing in front of me. Yes.

That would be the first part of this that would not make sense. Begin, as always, with the fourfold breath. Completely relax yourself into the magical state. Perform the BRBS. Again? Shit.

Yeah. Those were cantrips, guys. Come on, really. You should be very... It should be, like, second nature to you. I need to write a spell macro. Yeah. Three. Begin reciting or performing the first part of the invocation.

Be as emotionally involved as possible. Which again should not be very hard for the sort of person trying this. How to live a fulfilling life. Become emotionally involved with pop culture. That's what the internet would have us do. Pretend you are a street corner preacher telling anyone who will listen about the greatness of the Batman.

He who is the Batman. He who is the Batman. He who killed the god of evil, etc. Which god of evil? I don't know. Batman doesn't even kill people, does he? No, he doesn't. Just the god of evil. Yeah, not people.

That's coming out later in the fanfic. Cool. Visualize the Batman standing before you. Call out, Batman! Repeatedly. Yeah. So he knows who you're talking to. Right.

Each time you say it, he becomes more solid. Once you are sure that he is standing in front of you, begin reciting or performing the second part of the invocation. You who are the perfect man. You who are the Batman. Etc. Butter him up good, you know. You know, that kind of thing. You know what the Batman likes to hear. Five. Step into the space occupied by your visualization.

Feel the image wrap around you. This is getting hot. Match your posture to the image. Become the Batman. This technique is referred to as assuming the god form by western esoteric practitioners. Recite the third part of the invocation. I am the Batman.

I am the world's greatest detective. Et cetera. Thou shalt have no other Batmans before me. Is this how to invoke a Batman, or is this just your general how to get laid guide? I'm the Batman. Woo! Yeah. Works best at a costume party. At this point,

you should pay attention to any changes in your perception. Do you feel any different from your usual mode of consciousness? Spend some time in this state. Go out and interact with people, taking note of any differences

from the way you're treated normally. Make a YouTube video of it. Punch them and leave them hanging from streetlights. Make sure to banish again by the end of the day, casting off the god form and returning to normal consciousness.

Oh, boo! Why can't I just be Batman all the time? Not even Batman can be Batman all the time. Yeah. Charles, no being Batman before dinner. You'll spoil your appetite. Mom, I'm assuming the godlike aspect. You can't just stop being Batman.

I'm sorry. He likes to assume the godlike aspect. Boots. I have an adversary, and I would like to do evil deeds to him, but I don't know. I'm lazy, so that seems like work. So is there a better way that I can, like, you know, kill someone that I hate?

Yeah, you could use your holy bat binding. Sure, good. Okay. If I'm understanding this correctly, which I'm probably not. I don't know. Understanding it about as well as I am. Good. Holy bat binding! Instructions. Yep.

I'm not going to give any preamble to this. So here's the instructions for... One. Choose a criminal. Okay. Not a real criminal, but a criminal worthy of the Batman's attention. That's you, Jack-Jack. You're going down.

Okay. Two. Breathe deeply. Google four-fold breath. Got it. Three, picture the bad man in your imagination. Focus your attention on who he is. How he

came to be. That's a terrible poem. Page break intact. Unnecessary line breaks if necessary. Four, tell him in plain language Kept the page break intact. I had unnecessary line breaks, if necessary. Four. Tell him in plain language why you feel he should do something about the criminal. Five. In a deliberate manner, paying close attention to all of your actions,

place the below image in an envelope. What is the below image? It's the Batman symbol, and it says, I saw you. Oh, that's terrifying. Oh, no. Oh, it's so scary. Oh, papyrus is such a terrifying font. There's lemon,

source of all font humor for the F Plus podcast. Nobody's stepping on that! Nobody make a font joke or you're fucking out! I gotta admit, no font jokes popped into my head. Yeah, seriously. Anyway, you're putting that on an envelope. Address it to the criminal. Mail it.

If you like, add graveyard dirt. Ooh! Bit of a lanyard. I got this envelope, and inside it I had a symbol of the Batman and some dirt. Oh, God! Run! There's one last step. Is the symbol of Batman made out of a crystal?

It's a reference to a previous episode. Good job. Thank you. Number six. Forget all about it and do something else. Yay! We just skipped. Yay!

Step six. I liked how easy that was. That could be step one, too. Well, you didn't say anything what happened, but, you know, you got my note, Jack Jack, so, you know, just let me know what happens. Lemon saw you. I didn't see you. The Batman saw you.

I know that you've all been really troubled by the revolving door of Arkham. Mm-hmm. You know, like... Yeah, that's really a big concern for me. It's a very porous institution. I'm going to be producing my own Willie Horton ad about Arkham Asylum. Is Arkham like the Hades of a religion? Sure, yeah.

Okay, so this is how to restop the revolving door of Arkham. Demonology. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Demons are real beings made up of negative psychic energy living on the astral plane demons are metaphors for the negative emotional states within the psyche demons are the empty shells left over when the divine manifestation departs i guess you just have to choose one of those sentences no so so are they, so are they real or not real? Maybe we'll find out.

I'm not smart enough to figure out what they really are. But just like you, there's a shit ton of them running around in my brain and making a nasty mess. So grab a broom and follow me. As always, the following is purely conjecture. Any more insightful approaches will be greatly appreciated. Oh, dear. Grab a broom and follow me.

I just picture he's the Bob Ross of exorcisms. He's just like, come on. I was picturing Harry Potter, but okay. Oh, okay. Okay, we're going to paint a nice utility belt here. Riddle me this. The Riddler is the demon of pride. He tells you how much better you are than everyone else.

How much cooler and smarter, sentence fragment, always acting like he has the answers but only speaking in riddles. You've heard his voice in your head narrating the documentary that's all about you, quote, he was a wise and handsome man. So amazing and inspiring in every way. Here's how you throw him back in Arkham. You will need three candles. I use black, white, and yellow for

air for the Riddler's element. I know what the Riddler's element is. You don't have to spell out every little thing. Isn't the Riddler wear a lot of green? It's purple and green, yes. But his element is air. Why the fuck would you need candles to...

Well, you'll find out. You'll also need a length of cord, eucalyptus incense, and something that serves as an idol. Well, that's because of the air element, right? The eucalyptus incense. Well, Riddler is part koala. The eucalyptus incense.

Well, Riddler is part koala. I got a sweet Heroclix Riddler figure. It's pretty sweet. It's not related in any way. I just wanted you to know about that. Jeremy on the other side of the cul-de-sac is totally jealous of it. Here is absolutely a picture of it. A sigil would be fine as well.

One part of the ritual involves the use of the black mirror. I'm still experimenting with this and can't really judge if it works yet. The image of the demon is supposed to show up in the mirror. It's the secret of goetic evocation, or so I'm told by some YouTube video. That's what it actually says, folks. That's his fucking source? It actually says that. Clearly, clearly he is a scientist. Citation YouTube.

Okay. The video says. Okay. The video says... Yeah. The video says that one must use the mirror of polished obsidian, so I bought a cheap frame and spray-painted the black... Shit! Okay, okay, take two. Yes.

What did you use for your polished obsidian? Well, no, no, I need to start out. All right, sorry. The video says that one must use a mirror of polished obsidian. So, I bought a cheap frame and spray-painted the back of the glass black. It's the same thing. The demons don't know the difference. It's probably the all-recipes approach to skullcasting.

Oh, no. He's broken into hysterics. The Joker got him. Quick! Quick! How do we stop that? How do we put him back? Here's how you stop that. Okay, set up the black mirror within a triangle of candles and place the idol in front of it. Once again, this

would be my little happy meal figurine. That's totally sweet. It's a hero click. Then perform banishing. Then perform the invocation of the Batman. We have to do that a lot. Then light incense and candles. Then stare into and through

the black mirror. The reflection of the smoke and the candle flames might be the key to this trick. Who knows? It's easier to see through it if it's harder to see. In best batman voice call to the riddler demand that he enter the triangle i did this for about 10 minutes when i found myself talking like a stuffed up christian bale and shouting show yourself enigma oh my god Can we get video of this shit? Because holy fuck.

Well, the guy's name is... What is it? Freighter Isla? So just look for that name on YouTube. See if you can find him. That's a sweet spell. Meanwhile, once you feel his presence, get all alpha chimp and start interrogating. Ask whatever you like. See what happens.

This is where it can get weird. Especially if you have people over. Just my conjuring buddies. Guys, let me show you something really cool. Okay. Take the cord and tie three knots in it As you tie each knot Say ZER-IN-AR

Are we supposed to know what that means? Is that a Batman thing? No maybe it's more It's better if it's mysterious It's a speaking in tongues kind of thing Command the Riddler into the idol Tell him he's going back to Arkham And he won't be allowed out Unless you say so Wrap theler into the idol. Tell him he's going back to Arkham, and he won't be allowed out, unless you say so.

Wrap the cord around the idol. As you do so, imagine Riddler sitting in his cell, the door slamming shut on him. Then, put the idol away for later use. In Heroclix. You're in the Heroclink. Wow. Oh, that wasn't bad. This template can easily be...

Yeah, it's a really good joke because no one laughed. Okay, this template can easily be adopted to fit any of Batman's foes. Replace incense and candle door with appropriate substitutes. So you could just swap out whatever parts of the spell, you know.

Just whatever. Well, okay, so So you could just swap out whatever parts of the spell, you know. Just whatever. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, okay. So, yeah, so that was kind of like a crazy, like, sort of a crazy person there. Yeah. You know, like, he's worshipping Batman. That's weird.

Worshipping comic book characters is so stupid. Shh. What? Hang on. Hang on. I wouldn't judge that exactly. Because here's a Tumblr of somebody that worships

Tony Stark. Oh, well, I completely take back what I said. This is a religion I can get behind. If you'll read... You know what? Actually, no. Let's read a chant here. This chant is called I Believe in Tony.

It's fine if you'll take that, please. Okay. I think we covered this in the petition episode. The mechanic, the maker, creator of iron and steel, and of Jarvis, the lone voice of reason. and of Jarvis, the lone voice of reason. I believe in Tony, who was born an ironmonger, who was kidnapped and mortally wounded, who was not meant to live,

was in prison threatened and made accomplice, who refused to become a monster, and in doing so saved his own skin. He emerged from the cave a changed man and returned to his home and there dedicated himself to great works and donned his own armor to keep people safe I believe in Tony of innovation of the dullest of times

of transparency before criticism of wit and tight corners and the possibility of redemption and most of all in creation Amen Amen We're gonna get it one of these days guys In creation. Amen. We're going to get it one of these days, guys. Yeah, yeah. We're not there yet, but yeah.

It'll happen soon. Yeah. It's amazing. Isfahan spent hours learning the proper cadence of that one. And he got it perfectly right on there. Okay. Okay. Jack,

this one's for you. It's another, just sort of a little prayer to Saint Robert Downey Jr. Okay. Sounds good. This is Ave Antonius. Ave Antonius. Ave Antonius. Ave Antonius.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Before you read this, can somebody tell me about the person who's writing this? Oh, Jack can tell you exactly everything about that. Well, this is by Foxy, a.k.a. Lee. Loki devotee on probation. On probation. Oh, no.

Sometimes prophet of the god of thieves. Companion of Davy Jones. Oh, Jesus. In the locker, maybe? Yes. Probably Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Davy Jones. It's the monkey. The monkey.

I pray to both St. Jude the Apostle and St. Tony the Avenger, cartomancer, witch on a budget, curse worker, animus, beginning ancestor worshiper, who's inching into pop culture paganism, IRL Avenger, culture neutral, curse worker, animus, beginning ancestor worshiper, who's inching into pop culture paganism. IRL Avenger, culture neutral, wicked witch. Oh, that is chaotic neutral.

Uh, what, uh, can you give me your resume, please? I'm a mod at Loki eShrine. Good. I run a pop culture pagan eShrine. Good. Yep. I have a non-pagan blog. Sometimes I live blog things. Do you?

And I do tarot readings! Woo! How much do they cost? General three-card draw, $2. US. American. I'm more of a five-card stud person, but okay. P slash P

slash F, three-card draw, $2 American. Ellipse reading, $4.50 American. Celtic cross, $5.50. Stuck reading, $7.00. And a pendulum reading. This is the deal, $3.50. Is that a reading while you're stuck in mud? No, the stuck reading is when you flip all the cards over and you go,

okay, this is death. That means, oh, I think it's... Just looking down at your hand real quick. I used to know this one. All right, I'm sorry. If you'll take Ave Antonius. Okay. Okay.

sorry if you'll take Ave Antonius. Okay. Hail Tony full of booze thy suit is with thee. Blessed art thou with

game and blessed is the fruit of thy labor Jarvis. Some of the stupidest readings we've ever done. The song stopped for some reason. What happened? Get it back, get it back, get it back!

Ho! Ho! for some reason. What happened? Get it back, get it back, get it back. Oh. One second, one second. Yeah. Holy Tony, who is Iron Man? Pray for our computers. Oh, come on. computers. Come on.

Now and at the hour of their overheating Amen. Closer? Better? I'm a couple of parts on the baseline. God, that was funny. These people can't be serious. Holy Tony, who is Iron Man, pray for our computers.

Now, well, I guess Tumblr, I guess they really do. Right, yeah, exactly. Yeah. These guys can't be real. Oh, wait, they're on Tumblr. Okay. So that was Iron Man religion. Now we're going over to My Little Pony, Friendship is Pagan. Yeah, see, it is fake.

She's not really meaning it, because I looked at her profile, and her real god is Robin Hood. Actually, her profile says she pretty much worships anything she kind of likes right okay uh so uh actually you know what let's let's do let's do this one first instead um so this is my little pony friendship is pagan uh come what come what What the hell is this shit anyway? That's the text that's on the page. That's the text that's on the page. That's the text that's on the page.

The right side nav is, ask me anything. Submit. What the hell is this shit anyway? List of tags. That's probably the most frequently asked question, really. My little pony, friendship is pagan. What the hell is this shit? Anyway, pop culture witchcraft can be considered an extension of chaos magic.

Yeah. In that as long as you feed something long enough, it'll do things for you! Um, nope. Uh... No? Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! This is what this is!

Essentially, the idea behind friendship is pagan is that a few witches and polytheists noticed that the ponies are essentially pagans with a lot of parallels. I'm sure you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a result, we began to joke about the idea of practicing a religion based on pony. Doop, doop, doop, doop. Eventually stopped being a joke and grew from there. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Uh-huh. Hey, guys, let's take this seriously now. It's like, okay. Yeah. No, no, we should actually worship this cartoon, guys, for real, though. I was serious. You guys weren't serious? Oh, I'm kind of disappointed in you.

I was serious. I don't think you guys are true fans now. Essentially, the practice revolves around the evoking of the princesses. The growth of oneself and one's interpersonal

relationships. Magic, of course. And practicing the morals of the elements personal relationships magic, of course. Of course. Then, practicing the morals of the elements of harmony in everyday life. Friendship as pagan is meant to be as open as possible. You do not need to be

initiated to be a pony theist. Oh, dear. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Is that recognized? Like, in the census? Yeah. Yeah. Although you do to join

a coven. I'm really disappointed in myself that I didn't come up with a pun for coven. I'm gonna be the Martin Luther of Ponytheist. come up with a pun for coven. I'm going to be the Martin Luther of pony theaters. Nail a screed to the stable door. It's up to them

how they go about it. But you do need to take it seriously. Otherwise, what's the point? Yeah, what's the fucking point? Otherwise, you're just joking around about worshipping this stuff and not actually worshipping this stuff. What are the tenets of your ponytheism?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bullet point one of my fourteen points. Well, five, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The princesses are personifications of abstract concepts. They are not deities. The closest we get to calling them deities

is patroness. For half a second, I forgot I was on Tumblr, so thank you very much for, like, agonizing over word choice to remind me where I was. Yeah! I think you meant cogitating over word choice. Hey, hey! You didn't say trigger warning

on that cogitate. Yeah, that's a good point. Bullet point number two. The morals code is the elements of harmony. Right. So, yeah. Well, I don't know what the fuck that is. So, next point.

Bullet point number three. Devotionals are to be fun and joyful experiences. I don't know what that sentence means either. This is going to help people explain to people who don't know what the hell this shit is, really. Don't we know so much more than we did before going in? Bullet point number four. Holidays change as the show and more episodes are up. Oh, that's great.

List of my little pony holidays. I'm sorry. I can't come into work today. You see, there was an episode, and it declared this upcoming Monday to be a new holy pony day. Yeah, so we're just going to mark that as a vacation day then, right? Fired? You already took off

Yom Kippur. I'm taking this seriously. Otherwise, what's the point? You seem to think that these guys can get jobs. There are two dates. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 different pony holidays. What?

Well, they've almost caught up with the U.S. We have, what, 12? Yeah, I think that's right. Anyway, keep going. Feel free to adapt this to your own practice, if you prefer. That's why we've avoided calling the princesses deities. They can be adapted. Oh, see, Lemon, don't you feel silly now?

I actually have a suggestion for your religion. I think it would make it so much better. I think that this would really just improve your numbers and just make everything a lot more fun. Okay, snake handling. All of you should handle live snakes all the time. Just see what happens.

They won't do it until they handle live snakes in the show. Alright, one more bit on the friendship is is Pagan here. Boots, you have some Bible study for us. Yes, yes. I have the Friendship is Pagan Rewatch Week 1

instructions here. Good. I need instructions for watching a TV show. Yes, and this refers to our previous instruction post, which I'm assuming you've all read. Yep. So we're just going to go ahead with your reading material for this week. show. Yes, and this refers to our previous instruction post, which I'm assuming you've all read. Yep. Sure. So we're just going to go ahead with your reading material for this week. Alright, watch the first five episodes

The Elements of Harmony Part 1 and 2, Ticketmaster, Applebucking Season, and Griffin the Brush-Off. Okay. Blog your reactions slash thoughts with the tags FriendshipIsPagan and FIP rewatch. Now, I've put spaces in these and no hashtags, so it's not going to work that well.

Sorry. So we can find it, which we won't. We'll reblog your responses. Focus questions if you don't know what to write. Number one. What did we learn about equestrian theology in these episodes? How does that apply to modern human lives slash values? Two.

How were the elements of harmony, laughter, generosity, kindness, loyalty, honesty, and magic demonstrated in these episodes? How can those demonstrations apply to our lives in practice? I don't know. It's like Boots was waiting for an answer from us. I don't know. Stunned silence, apparently. Got like a pony

in the headlights. I don't know. I have a blank page, so I think that says a lot. What did we learn about the princesses? I don't know how to say princesses. At this point, Luna and Celestia in these episodes,

how can that apply to our lives, practices, and relationships with the princesses? And four, what sort of spell or ritual can be made from these episodes? I just wanted to mention that I didn't like that part a little bit ago where you made fun of this guy for not knowing how tags work. I just felt that that was just a fucked up lobby.

Just a fucked up insult. Because this post is tagged, Friendship is Pagan, Fip Rewatch Pagan, Witchcraft Gift Warning. I did want to point out the gift warning. I don't even know what that means. It's a warning that there's a gift there, but the warning comes way after the gift. Because that's how Tumblr is formatted. You see the post and then you see the tags.

Okay. You see the post, and then you see the tags. Okay. So there is... I don't want to... I know that you're being initiated into this whole world, and you're interested, and I don't want to besmirch it a little bit, but I do have to just warn you in fairness

that there is a bit of drama in the pop culture pagan Tumblr community. No, really. Really, there's drama in a Tumblr community. That is surprising. So this is Nicholas Nickers. He's a transgender person. And he is a pop culture pagan.

He got in some sort of fight with Tumblr people. It doesn't really matter, but here's his screed about it. Jack, if you'll take that, please. I really just don't give a shit anymore if you think my practice is a joke. I could care less if you think I'm deluded in deifying and worshipping my story characters. These characters have gotten me through some rough times, and they teach me life lessons. They correct me when I make a wrong, and they give me love when I make a right.

I personalized them in the beginning to fit my needs, yes, but after that, they became their own beings, still tied to my mind, but reigning free regardless. Do these characters ever teach you a life lesson to not post on Tumblr about your stupid fucking religion? No. No they don't. Maybe one day.

That would be counterproductive for them. PC paganism is not an easy way out. By having such close relationship with these figures, you are setting yourself up to always do your best in worship, in your practice, or in your workings with them. They know you.

Therefore, they demand a lot out of you. It's the same as any other pagan star practice. Oh my god. With the same demands and the same rules. We know not to appropriate, with a capital A, not to be sexist and racist and cis-exist. Is that cis-sexist? Yeah, cis-sexist. Just like everyone else in the community knows.

Hey kids, Eek the Cat wants you to respect black people. Yeah. But whatever I say, whatever words I try to sugarcoat for you so that you can see my side or fuck, even take pity on me. That's what you're really looking for. I don't need that anymore.

I don't give a rat's ass if you want to erase me, invalidate me, shame me. Are these Nine Inch Nails lyrics? KMFDM lyrics. Yeah, totally. I am a drug against war! I couldn't care less, which is why I'm posting

multiple paragraphs. Wait, you could care less at the beginning of this. Earlier, he could care less. Oh, now, see, as he was typing this, he cared even less, and now he cannot care any less.

The script? It's been flipped. I am just too tired dealing with your shaming behavior. You're not fit to lick the dirt off my Doc Martens. Of course he fucking wears Doc Martens. Surprise, Doc Martens. Also, he misspelled Martin. Yes, yes, he did.

This is because I am comfortable in my worship, and I just feel so bad for you, seeing as how you have nothing better to do but attack me. I understand the PC path is not for everyone, and I will defend non-PC pagans with my last dying breath, but I will never defend people who are so intolerant, so hate-filled, and just so blinded. There are worse things in this community than who

I dedicate my loyalty and prayer to. Perhaps you should be using your spit and scathing remarks for them. Love, a pop culture pagan who pities you. I just spent 300 words telling you about how I don't care what you think. Yeah, yeah. So we are at that point where I

need to pose a question to you um of which um pop culture pagan bit of fiction um you would rather hear um the first one is called methods of magical transportation um it's about uh harry pot Potter and motorcycles yes the second part is the second piece is called and the best part I won't be slamming into a canyon wall and it's about Keegan Jinn

from Star Wars oh okay so I believe you mean Qui-Gon Jinn thank you I'm going to vote for the Harry Potter one Is there a title to this? Yes

Methods of Magical Transportation Part 1 Sirius Black's Motorcycle Okay Good Great Okay One of the first methods of transportation that we read about in the

Sorcerer's Stone is Sirius Black's motorcycle. SS pages 13 to 14. Oh, fuck's sakes. Citations. If you're located in Britain, it's PS pages 13 to 14. Now, actually,

if you're citing a page in a Harry Potter book, I don't think that that would really even out, because I think that the pages could change, depending on the print. On the edition? Yeah, well, not even just the edition. Hard copy or the paperback?

Please, we're assuming hard copy. I suppose you would. Who said that with his eyes closed? His eyes closed and rubbing his temple. I actually did say that with my eyes closed. See, it came through in your delivery. Hagrid rides onto the scene with baby Harry, riding a huge and rather loud motorcycle

Okay When asked who he got it from Hagrid replies that it was Sirius's Later in the series the bike is used again To get Harry to safety There are a few modes of magical transportation Mentioned throughout the series Including apparition, flu powder

Portkeys And a flying car, just to name a few I will talk more about these other methods as I come to them in the series Okay, is this, are you writing in future tense or past tense? You need to decide Yeah, that's not very scholarly

No, I'm implying that there will be future editions of this series of articles that I'm writing An idea I had for these editions of this series of articles that I'm writing. Sure, okay. An idea I had for these images is to use them for otherworld travel. An individual could conjure up the preferred method of transportation and travel

to the realm of Harry Potter. They could go to Diagon's Alley, Hogwarts, the Burrow, etc. Since the motorcycle is specifically used to get Harry to what is considered a safe place for him, I think it could be used for escaping dangerous situations.

Are there places in the Harry Potter universe that are off-limits? Yes. I like how they didn't even fucking get the name of one of the places right. Gandalf's Sex Dungeon? What place? No, it's because it's Diagon Alley, because it's diagonally.

Like, that's the whole pun of the name. And they added an S in there. Oh, yeah. These people, yeah, it's kind of weird that these people don't meticulously spell all their stuff correctly. Yeah, that's what I'm... I mean, I hate to be all Harry Potter nerd, but like... You just out Harry Potter nerd

a Harry Potter nerd. Congratulations. Within the, let's say, liturgy of pop culture pagans, wouldn't this be sacrilegious? Alright, keep going. I speculate that maybe Sirius' motorcycle has the ability to fit the rider,

seeing as how Hagrid is much larger than the other main characters in the series, and yet he is still able to ride it comfortably. But I have no other evidence for this idea. Maybe you should just, like, fucking relax and just enjoy the story. Can you just copy-paste that, like, at the end of every

sentence? You said some words to me, and I don't know what that means. I am sure these are only a few of the many ways that the methods of magical transportation could be used. Let me know if you come up with any more. Absolutely! Well, good. Now we can take Methods of Magical Transportation Part 2

Hogwarts Express. Kumquat, I think that's yours. Tell me about the Hogwarts Express. Hello! Hello! Totally didn't see that voice coming. What a surprise. Hello! The Hogwarts Express is a scarlet steam engine!

Oh my god. I like how Kumquat can only talk about My Little Pony and Harry Potter stuff while we're actually on top of a train. That takes the students from London to Hogwarts! Harry first sees the train on page 93 of the Soccerer's Stone.

Please, in England they call it football. Even I know that's wrong. It's that YouTube video where the poor kid kicks a stone that's painted like a soccer ball. I won the World Cup of Harry Potter! After running through the wall between platforms 9 and 10, platforms 9 and 3 quarters, for me, part of taking the hard work expressed would be having to enter through platform 9 and 3 quarters.

I feel like they're a part of each other and cannot be separated. You do feel like that. Yeah. Despite what everyone else tries to say, you still feel like that. Now, the Hogwarts Express is only mentioned

during certain periods of the book, going to Hogwarts for the year, leaving for holidays, returning and leaving for the end of the year, if I remember correctly, but it doesn't say anywhere that it doesn't run at any other times,

again, if I remember correctly! Jesus. It would be way too much work for me and my Harry Potter fandom to go and actually look at the fucking book. It's a big book. So, we can

imagine that it could take us to and from Hogwarts at any time that we seek to be there as a way of traveling from our realm to the Wizarding Realm and back again! Let me know what you're thinking! Someone

please correct me if I remembered it correctly! Oh my fucking god. You're not very sure of yourself. TheWitchOfFantasy.com? Like, what the fuck else is this dude doing where he's too busy to go and look at a fucking Harry Potter book to, like, just make sure that he knows what he's too busy to go and look at a fucking Harry Potter book to just make sure that he

knows what he's talking about? Carol, are you encouraging these people to spend more time reading their pop culture stuff? It is weird, but yeah. If you're going to do it, go big or go home, you know?

Jack Chick's like, double down, bitches. Fuck yeah, dude! Read more, Harry Potter! It's not like they're doing anything else with their life. I just can't stop picturing Kumquat, like, telling us this stuff while we're skydiving or something. Just the voices he used.

This is the worst skydiving trip ever. I'm trying to just enjoy plummeting towards the Earth, if you don't mind. No, I'm the guy who takes you on a skydiving tour, and you're strapped to me, and you're forced to listen to me yelling this over your head. Hello? Hello? All right, Harry Potter guy, we're going to pull our shoots on three, okay? One, two, three. Oh, good, he's gone. Just if you ever have a captive audience, that is it.

Captain America, we love you. Captain America, you're great. And there we go. Around about an hour of This is my dumb fate Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do Boots, what'd you learn this week? I'm not sure if I learned much,

but I have spent a good hour walking around in a circle with Gotham City sticking out of my chest, so that's fun. Are you different? Are you changed? Did it work for you? Yeah, I uh more annoying i started a tumblr account sure yeah tumblr is uh tumblr is pretty terrific for that it's it's so odd that like there i feel like there's a number of topics that this has happened with i i loki wives and um the um the my little pony like uh thing and the waifu thing like there's so many

of these topics where like literally people go like oh yeah you know we started this off as a joke like like i was like talking to my friends i was like, Batman is my god. And then I was like, hang on. No, really, Batman is my god. Yeah. Yeah, it's funny how you can take something as a joke. You can register a domain. You can start a Tumblr thing. And then you'd be like, yeah, let's see if people buy into it. And then people buy into it, and you realize, I am the pope of this.

Let's see if people buy into it. And when people buy into it and you realize, I am the pope of this. Well, you know, it worked for L. Ron Hubbard. Yeah. And he was able to live a long and happy and fulfilled life from the religion that he invented with good reasons. With good reasons. So, you know, like, if we can all aspire to be like L. Ron Hubbard, I think we've pretty much all... This podcast is taking a dark turn. ...in good shape.

Yeah, this was another one from Ermenia Hart. And those ladies are doing terrific, terrific work. Yes, yes. Thank you so much. I, like, once you have it explained to you, this is a thing that exists, you go, yeah, sure, I believe you. But before that point, you would never conceive

that anyone would actually start a genuine church of Doctor Who. So, yes, thank you. And you can submit stuff as well on thefpl.us That is the site for CF+. I just registered the domain

for another year, so we're going for that much longer at least. Yeah, you're stuck with us. And also if you worship the Taco Bell dog from the 90s, tell us about it on Ballpit. That's B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. A much more expensive domain, by the way, because you have to buy it from Italy.

It's like $35 as opposed to the $11. So, you know, I really put in the money for that one. Yeah, we are committed to this. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks for listening. Bye-bye. Goodbye.

Bye-bye. we'll see you next time. Thanks for listening. Bye bye. Goodbye. I'm going to create another point here. Jack chick. What the hell are you doing when you talk?

He's seething. Uh, what do you mean? This, this is, this is a crazy amount of noise happening in your room while you're talking. Weird. And it stops when you don't. I assume you're just scratching your beard simultaneously.

Let me adjust the microphone. You're pretty loud anyway, so you can move the mic a little bit further away. Actually, I think the beard noise adds a lot to what he's reading. Yeah, that's true. What's the sound of a fedora?