The F Plus - 123: The Beatings Will Continue until Dinner Improves

Episode Date: January 11, 2014

Does a strict Christian lifestyle prohibit a kinky sex life? As you might expect, there's varying beliefs on this which are nuanced and subtle, so here's the Cliff's notes version: If it gives me a boner, God wants you to do it. We're looking at the life choices made by the Christian Domestic Discipline movement - a patriarchal society who believe men should control women, and use the word "panties" as often as possible in doing so. This week, we're telling your mother EVERYTHING.

What has the feminist movement done for you? Uh, well, uh, what has the feminist movement done for me? Yeah, what has the feminist movement done for you? It's given me freedom of choice. Okay. I can beat her or kill her. It's fine. No, you're a woman, idiot. You're a woman.

Yeah, you're a woman. Yeah. Fuck! Yeah! If she has wronged you first, found someone new, but you feel it's not over, here's what you must do. Punish her, kill her with kindness. Oh, buy her red roses every day.

Oh, I hear red roses every day. Oh, punish her with so much affection that she will cry for the love she threw away. Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast. Terrible things, red with enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. I'm Boots Reingear. And we have a little bit of that old-time religion coming at you this week. Really old-time.

Yeah, really old, sort of medieval religion. This is the world of Christian domestic discipline. It's a lovely blending of promise keeper mentality, you know, the man is the head of the household and that sort of thing. That blended with BDSM spanking subculture. Wife abuse.

Wife abuse! I think that's a faster way. That's a faster way to say the same thing. Religious influenced spousal abuse. Right. So this is a situation where there's the belief that women need to be controlled, there's the belief that men need to control them,

and that a lot of spanking is really going to do it for you. And then there's going to be a bonus conversation of threesomes. So we're talking a lot of a lot of wife abuse a lot of hypocrisy a fair amount of stupidity and a number of pregnant pauses while we all reflect on the things that we've just read yeah this shit's gross all right here we go readers Readers, assemble! In the room tonight, we have Boots Ring here. Is there any treatment of pubic hair that is wrong?

Definitely. One thing about which there could be no debate is the evil of stubble. Come quats up! When she asks him to give her the living water, semen, Christ tell the woman to get her husband. The woman who always knows her place, poor Tex. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. From Left Handed Radio, it's Adam Bozarth.

Older men are to be self-controlled, worthy of respect, sensible, and sound in faith, love, and endurance. Titus 2.2 And Lemon. Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. Darling, darling, darling, I still love you so. Punisher, ha ha ha, Punisher, hmm, Punisher, ha ha ha, Punisher, oh yeah, Punisher. Hey, F+, hi Lemon Hey, how are How are all of your, like, personal Relationships, I mean like your

Domestic relationships with your You know, with your girlfriends or wives Or whatever you might have My wife's a bitch Sure, sorry about that poor tax Satisfying and fulfilling It's satisfying And fulfilling uh it's satisfying and fulfilling does that mean that she recognizes

you as a man as her superior what yeah that's an option listen uh we're going to deal with the subject of christian domestic discipline um this is a super fun combination

of like domination and submissive domestic discipline. This is a super fun combination of domination and submissive fetish with promise keepers morality. So, it's gonna be super fun.

Boots, if you'll start us off with the statement that one size may not fit all It's by no one No one wrote this I am no one By the way, to the listeners at home

if you are into like, bad website design that looks different from other bad website designs you've seen If you are a connoisseur of CSS. Yeah, CSS hover effects. Shit you've never seen before, I can guarantee that. Anyway.

Hi. I'm no one. I know one. One size may not fit all. While one size may not fit all, all sizes may be made of the same fabric. The preceding statement is as true of spanking as it is of clothing. Another analogy to spanking relates to the common kitchen stove,

where the same heating element can serve a variety of purposes. For example, depending on where the control knob is set, it can boil water or simmer soup. Although the basics may look the same, all spanking was not created equal. Hence, the following discussion is intended to shed some light on the topic. Baby, I'm going to tan your hide. Separate but equal. If not that any of the following categories should be considered as set in ideological concrete or etched into sacrosanct stone...

Ooh. Oh, boy. Are you going to keep doing this with your words? This bathroom renovation is going great. Rather, they should serve as guides to understanding. In practice, the attitude of the participants has much to do with the categorization as anything else. Hey, no one? Hey, no one?

Mm-hmm? I have a question. Okay. How do you pronounce asterisks? How should I? You better figure out how you pronounce asterisks, because you're going to be pronouncing a lot of them. Yeah, we're kind of drowning in them. Just decide how you get them.

I pronounce them like the oars from Star Control. That's what I was going to say. Oars it up, man. The most superficial spanking may be a mere playful slap on the seat of a dress or pants. It may extend to those activities that used to be called a birthday spankings. Although lost with the passage of time, birthday spankings are simply the surviving remnants of an ancient fertility rituals. Trevor, what did you do to the speak and spill? That's not true.

Sell it to us, LactoSpank. That's not true. The Aztecs never took a virgin up to the top of the tower and spanked her. Only on her birthday. Okay. When carried a little further, especially when accompanied by the removal of clothing, they can become

quite erotic. Then again, that was their intended purpose. Of course. What? Yeah. Wait, so fertility is... Okay, great, yeah, you make sense. You slap her on the ass hard enough and a baby just pops right out the front, and you're done.

To be fair, that can be quite erotic. To be fair, that sentence... It's called the Heinz method. Ooh. That sentence doesn't specify what they is. They could be talking about birthdays. Government. Well, explain more about spankings, because I'm sure that some of this shit is on your mind.

Sure, yeah. Erotic spankings usually administer by sure that some of this shit is on your mind. Sure, yeah. Erotic spankings usually administer by the hand to the bare buttocks. Voluntary nudity and enthusiastic submission are not uncommon. Involuntary nudity. It's like you're in a dream

and you go to school and the big test is that day. These episodes are more about play than about pain, although depending on the desire of the participants, they may be quite a bit of play and pain. Still, in the scheme of things, they serve a useful purpose because vaginal lubrication signals the first stage of female submission to male prerogatives.

Oh my god. You guys seem to have a problem with that statement. I don't know what you're talking about. I have zero problem with this. And the reason I don't is because I'm afraid all of you are going to smack me in the ass with a sledgehammer if I disagree. Correct. Don't you want a baby? No.

That is why this is often the gateway to discovering the virtues of domestic discipline. Oh, it's a gateway spanking. With an increase in intensity and duration, spankings move into the proper range. Level three. At this level, tears are common and... Yay, that's proper. Depending on the degree of pent-up emotion or frustration, real crying is likewise possible.

Oh, that's real proper! So, non-vaginal lubrication. Typically, proper, spankings sting during the application, but the sensation quickly fades after the administration stops. It is probably the most familiar type. These are the common and sometimes

embarrassing panties down, over-the-knee, red-bottom, and red-faced spankings of folklore. Yeah, that's not super familiar. The turtle and the hare and the spankings. That's not super familiar. Like, slapping somebody on the ass until they break down weeping is not an experience a lot of people are familiar with. Clearly you're not familiar with all of Aesop's fables.

Proper spankings are valuable because, especially early in the marriage, the woman begins incorporating the lesson as a guide

to her future behavior. Holy shit. That is why they are often considered to be useful for maintenance spankings. You have to call in the fucking electrician. I'll be there any time from 3 to 8. Man, the spankings. You have to call in the fucking electrician.

I'll be there any time from 3 to 8. Man, the spankers union is really... You do not want to be in the office after 7. Man, I don't know what's going on. I came home, there was no dinner. I just don't. Did you try spanking her? After every 30,000 miles. At the same time, effect of a proper

spankings is often limited to the potential for embarrassment. Thus, bare-bottom corner time sometimes follows the administration. Bare-bottom corner time. So you smack her in the ass until she cries

and then you say, no, you go think about what you did. And you have her sit the ass until she cries, and then you say, now, you go think about what you did. Yeah. And you have her sit in the corner with her ass hanging out. I think that's when they spank her with a dunce cap. Beyond the proper range are more serious spankings. Oh, good. Oh, so beyond crying.

Yeah. Sometimes these are called warnings, because they almost always involve the use of an implement. In addition... So wait, those are warning spankings? Is when you smack her in the ass with a switch, I guess? That's when you get three demerit spankings, you get a warning spanking.

And you're warning her of what? You being a lunatic, I guess? Well, you know, like... You know, you just didn't fill out your forms correctly well like you came in late yeah i don't know i guess i'm confused as to who who is this for who's who who's supposed to be reading this it's for the couple it's for the couple the couple oh to read together yeah yeah it's it's uh it's i mean this is their what they're selling here is a happy marriage.

Yeah. Clearly. Oh. Whether or not that's the product, that's what they're selling. So is it too early for me to say I don't know what's going on? Uh, yeah. It's gonna get more fucked up from here. Uh, yay?

Can I, can I skip forward? Of course. Just a little bit. Yeah, go ahead. Because this shit is, is making me really uncomfortable. Following an initial administration, it's not uncommon for a woman to examine herself in a mirror in order to triangulate how it looks back there with how her brain feels and how it felt getting it. It almost felt like I was married

to a horrible, abusive asshole. You sit in the corner and figure out what the word triangulate means. She got the map and the compass out. Her ass map. Let me look into the reference photos of how it used to look back then. Where is my ass protractor? Yeah.

Okay, so that's as much as it can be, where, like, you're, like, marking people, and that's as hardcore as it gets, right? Right? When carried further, the result is punishment. Agreed. As opposed to the other things, which is just a pleasant day in the park These are the don't ever do that again Spankings

They usually Leave lingering marks on the buttocks As well as talk to the mind In a way that few things are able to do With equal vigor I am the most gross person in the world So are you tapping a morse code on her ass? Are you sure These guys aren't talking about their dads

well they are but just indirectly I could ask you to stop pushing the limit on our credit cards but you are a woman so I'll have to come up with a different I don't really get it if you could write it in cuneiform on my butt cheek

I'd be great triangulate how that looks now okie dokie a different story. I don't really get it. If you could write it in cuneiform on my butt cheek, I'd be great. Triangulate how that looks now. Okay, okay. Keep going. Really? You're not done yet. You're the voice of the spearhead, man. You get it. Oh my god. Come on, the voice of the spearhead.

Don't make me spank you. Rarely used in most marriages, they're also known as the licking of my life, an old-fashioned whipping, or similar vivid descriptions. They are... By that he means descriptions of vivid video selections.

They are, and are intended to be, highly memorable. Baby, I want you to give me the licking of my life. That's not what I meant! That is not what I meant! Alright, last paragraph. What's this?

I gotta read the first sentence of the next one. At the extremis, there is abuse. At the all of this, there is abuse. Jeez. Most women actually prefer to be spanked harder than men often realize no they communicate this by saying no stop no look I see the look in your eyes

no I don't I think this requires research no you too knock it off ready the spanking machine. No, no. That rubbed the spank dragon.

It is not the spanking they crave so much as the release they experience. That said, the above categories can serve as a useful guide. Oh, you're fun. I like you. Oh yeah, you should probably, every time you do this, write it down in a journal. Make it available to the police. Portex? Yeah? No one responds to a reader's question.

No one responds to a reader's question. Subtitle for the F-Plus, I believe. Create a monster? Yeah. Anyone? So, Portex, you're Dawn. Dawn. Do you have a question, dear reader?

This is in the wives section. I came across this website quite by accident. Yep. The entire idea is no to me, but it does make sense biblically speaking. Biblically speaking. I've heard of couples doing this for sexual reasons, but now for the other reasons stated. How would one even breach the subject? Breach the subject?

Yep, breach the subject With a fiancé without the potential of running them off? My fiancé does have a background Of a conservative Baptist I have similar Christian upbringing In a different denomination Does this truly bond spouses closer To one another or turn the husband into a monster?

Ha ha ha Did you read the previous thing? about all the tears and the marks? Yeah, but it wasn't spanked onto my ass. I don't get it. Fair enough. Thank you for any insights. I'm so glad we have women for our podcast. It's so good.

I don't understand how the talky words come out of the computer, but that's fine. I'll answer your question in Morse code on your ass. Here we go. The answer to one of your questions is fairly easy to see from the inside, but can be difficult to explain on the outside. One of the big obstacles for the uninitiated is an understanding how roughly the same thing can be both a dreaded childhood punishment and an appreciated disciplining from a grown woman.

Appreciate it. No. First of all, you're a real person that wrote this letter. You exist. I'm not a parody asshole. Another difficulty is overcoming all the politically correct propaganda which has, in an ill-conceived

and ill-advised war on men, tried to portray men as potential monsters. Where would they get that idea from? History? I don't know. Like, there's some sort of belief that men victimize women all

the time, all over the world. Listen, I gave her the licking of her life. It wasn't abuse. It was supposed to be a memory we shared together. So you got wedding photo, vacation, me slapping her ass so hard that there's chunks missing. Listen, I have a question that I need to ask you that's going

to really paint a picture of a stark world. What happens if a woman is never spanked? She's really happy and leads a No, she goes feral. Let me begin with a story that I have repeatedly told others involving one of my brothers-in-law. At the time, he was a well-paid manager at a multinational corporation. His wife was a university-educated trophy.

What? What? A trophy went to college? Oh, you. I met her at the bowling alley. They had met on the mission field. They were pillars in their church. Their children were in Christian school.

They rubbed elbows with the privilege. Peers thought their life was perfect. At the same time, my brother-in-law thought that my spanking of his sister, my wife of over 40 years now, was totally barbaric. On the other hand, my...

On the other hand... Why are you talking... Oh, God. On the other hand... How did this come up in conversation? Yeah, hold on. You're trying to hold back a puke. I don't understand.

My wife admits that we would not have stayed married if I had not spanked her. My brother-in-law thought such indelicacy would be totally unnecessary. He was above all that. To further complicate matters, my brother-in-law made it his business to inform the rest of the family that I was beating his sister. Yay! He's a fucking hero. Okay. Then, one night, my brother-in-law and his wife fell into an argument.

Unable to get away, my brother-in-law's wife violently attacked him, doing obvious physical damage. Police were called. Photographs were taken. The wife was arrested on felony domestic violence, or DV charges. At the trial, my brother-in-law refused to testify against his wife. Instead, he chose to forgive her. Consequently, she was not convicted of the felony DV charges. At the trial, my brother-in-law refused to testify against his wife. Instead, he chose to forgive her. Consequently, she

was not convicted of the felony DV charges. I like how they discuss this so often. They have an acronym for it. Comes up a lot in conversations. Listen, if I was going to say domestic violence every time it came up in a conversation with me?

I would get nothing done. So, okay, to illustrate that it's okay to beat your wife, he's going to talk about how it's not okay to beat your husband. Right. Yeah, domestic violence. She violently attacked him. That was not okay. But that's fine, right? Because that keeps him in line? She subsequently divorced him,

absconded with the equity in their primary residence, and because she was presumed to be a nurturing mother, she was granted custody of the children. Then, my brother-in-law's former wife spent the next decade skirting court-ordered visitation, often telling the children that the father did not want to see him, while telling my brother-in-law that the children did not want to be with him, and otherwise engaged in a cold and calculated parent alienation syndrome. Therefore, it's okay to beat women. Yeah. Because they're capable of this. After that particularly messy divorce, my mother-in-law, long and outspoken critic of spanking,

WHAT THE FUCK?! Why is this company- What the fuck happens on Thanksgiving? Marching around in a circle with a sign about spanking. To be fair, if he talks about spanking at Thanksgiving dinner as much as he talks about it on this website, it's probably... No, it's because his wife is always wearing a shirt that says, I'm with Butt Pumler. Did I have those?

Ask me about my red ass. Anyway, another girl who's quite good at spanking, especially of girls of a certain age, she realized the only surviving first marriages among her children were those in which the husbands could or did spank their wives. Could? That's a really weird qualified sentence, isn't it? Surviving first marriages among her children were the ones in which the husbands could or did spank their wives.

Those couples bonded, while the others failed to do so. Although never a proponent of spanking, my mother-in-law did concede that she would rather a daughter or daughter-in-law be privately spanked, even if that meant that the husbands sometimes left marks, than for them to be publicly divorced.

What conversation did you get that from? Larry's taking the spank poll again. Now, Martha, wouldn't it be better if we spanked in private than get divorced in public? What? Yeah, by

the way, the cheese log is from me. One line of thought. Heard from both men and women is that women were made both physically... Oh, my God. Starting over. Here we go. One line of thought heard from both men and women is that women were made, both psychologically and physically, to be spanked by men.

Stop eyeballing me. Let me just get this rib out. All right, there we go. You see, the curvature of the arm was designed perfectly for the... It's a perfect spanking machine. All right, so then it goes into more explanations, but we don't need that. We need a woman's perspective. So this piece is called Why I Want CDD.

CDD, of course, Christian Domestic Discipline. Adam, if you'll just start out with submitting to my husband okay submitting to my husband and learning to respect him as god said for wives to do ephesians 5 22 to 24 for example maybe strengthened my marriage and maybe even saved it from disaster. I love my husband. I'm thankful that God pointed out to me his design for marriage because I had somehow overlooked those verses before. All right, so you like to use analogies, right?

Yes, of course. You like to use analogies? All right, skip a paragraph and use some analogies. I like to use analogies, and i explain better if i do use them so following challenge accepted so following is an analogy god also says for us to obey the authorities and laws of the land as long as they don't conflict with his law. So we are supposed to, for example, drive the speed limit. So we are essentially obeying what God says to do when we don't speed, because speeding is against the law of the land.

You still with me? Yeah. When can I thank Caesar the miles per hour that Caesar demands? I believe he said that. Right. And yet, many of us do drive over the speed limit. Not fast enough to be dangerous just a few miles over. Therefore, they should be spanked.

Officer Spankenstein, I'm sorry! A few have gotten a ticket or two, and they don't speed anymore. A few have gotten a ticket or two, and they don't speed anymore. And there is the rare person who feels it is morally wrong to drive over the speed limit, and so they generally never ever speed, except maybe in emergencies. This analogy doesn't go anywhere. It certainly keeps going, though. It's more of a terrible, really. When we see a police car,

we are startled and look down at the speedometer while slowing down just to be sure. Why? We don't want a ticket. And there's some of us who don't bother slowing down unless we are doing more than four miles over the limit. Oh my god. Yes, I understand.

See what I'm getting at? So let your husband hit you on the bottom. Get on with your analogue-y. Oh. Jesus. So, we know better, and God commands that we should obey the law, and yet

we still speed unless the police are around. And we've learned our lesson, taught to spy the police and the courts that speeding is expensive. Get on with it! No. Let's imagine, then, that a new law is enacted that keeps the police from issuing citations for speeding. Wait, what?

Yeah. Let's call this heaven. It's a law that prevents you from enforcing the law? Listen, speeding's still illegal, but you're not allowed to tell anyone. God bless Ted Cruz. That sound here is reality tearing itself asunder. No, see, okay, you don't understand the analogy. So speeding is a butt that has not been spanked.

So you have to spank over five miles per hour. Right. Unless it's in a school zone. Like a mighty hummingbird's wings. So if a butt has gone unspanked, it is going over the speed limit, and therefore needs a citation, which is spanking. I'm more of a sort of like a big society, kind of like, you know, everyone helping each other out kind of thing.

So I believe that it takes a village to spank a woman. Just driving down the street and there's a sign of a spanked ass. All right, keep going. The laws against speeding is still there. Right. But the officer can no longer give consequences, i.e. speeding tickets. Okay, you know where I'm going with this. Crazy town?

Mm-hmm. Over the limit. How many of us would speed then? Most of us, I do believe. Would we still slow down when we saw a police car? Not really, especially after we got used to the new law. Hmm. Okay.

And let's imagine for a minute that the police are being held responsible for the number of speeding motorists by the courts. Oh, I get it now. As dictated by Hebrews 13.17. I figured it out. What it is is that the law of the land in the past was that you could beat your wife, but now unfairly the laws in this country say you can't do it. So they're saying even though it's illegal to beat your wife technically in America, then you should still do it because the Bible. Okay, so in this analogy, speeding is vaginas.

Sure. That's a different episode. So how many of us are going to obey God by pulling over for the policeman and never speed again because the policeman gently rebuked us. Now, sir, ma'am, it's against the law to drive 65 MPH in a 55 MPH zone. Oh, man, I love these

Christian comedy videos on Netflix. They're just really fun, lighthearted stuff. Now talk about gays! What on earth would the police officer be able to say to us without using humiliation or guilt or punishment? So really, the police just need to carry paddles. That's what... If I were in shoes like that, I would leave the profession altogether, wouldn't you?

Well, you're a monstrous human being, so cool. I like it when I get hit by my husband. And yet, my husband is going to have to give a count for his household on Judgment Day. What? Yup. See, God wants you to take a lot of bookkeeping and he's gonna ask for...

We must go back in time and spank John Connor. So if you went back in time, would you spank Hitler? Next, next, please. Oh, Mr. Bozarth. Great. Yes. Welcome. All your papers seem to be in order.

Did you do any murder while you were down there on Earth? No, I was told I couldn't. Great. Okay. Did you take the Lord's name in vain ever? A couple of times, but I apologized. Oh, well, that's fine then. You know, really, we went into that a lot. Was the laundry frequently done? vein ever a couple of times but i apologized oh well that's that's fine then you know really we

went into that a lot um was the laundry frequently done like no oh well get the fuck out of here i want another woman's perspective this is a different woman that actually exists. So, you know, we're on some sort of descriptive site. We're talking about spanking a lot, which means I'm going to click on the thing that says, My first time. Kumquat, will you please tell me about your first time? Hello. Hello.

My first time! Another article from our forum! Okay. Well, I finally got my first spanking! Yeah! Alright. Crosspostkink.com Hashtag spanking!

Thanks to a suggestion, and my loving permission, it was a test spank. Wait, what? What he does is he spanks you until you pull up the color swatches, and it's like, yeah, that's red enough. I think he probably smacked my bottom about

ten times. Bare bottom OTK with his hand. And guess what? What? I wasn't scared. Why not? Didn't you realize what the rest of your life would become?

Were you hypnotized? Ooh, that's another fetish. Now I have a renewed confidence in our decision to live a CDD lifestyle. Okay, I know what you're thinking. No, you don't. I want to kill myself. It's pretty easy to accept the Spanx when you get to control them. Yep, it sure is.

Yep, it sure is! Hubby also informed me that we are going to be working on a habit I have that he can't stand. There's some misadventures. He is giving me enough leeway so I am not really stressed about it, and since our tests bank, I know what I'm in for if I fail! That alone gives me a strong desire to please him. Yeah. All right. So here's the question.

Yep. He feels like I could have handled a lot more than I did. I bet he did. Wow! So he's going to accelerate this thing super fast. Whackity, whackity, whackity, whackity, whackity. All right, next time, baseball bat. So for future punishments, he says he will do worse.

A whole new world. Do you think people are just, like just using this to justify BDSM? Yes! No, not at all. What the fuck are you talking about, crazy pants? As the Spanx landed, like an airport, I truly felt like I could take no more. But within seconds, I felt we could continue.

Because this is happening regardless. I think my bottom just needed a few seconds to recover before moving on. Is this by some make the punishment drawn out? Like this reading? So the bottom

has a few seconds to recover while the huh is lecturing? Wait, you get a lecture at the time? That stinks. How much can you actually lecture when you're spanking as hard as you can? I wish I knew more chemistry so that I could write this joke better.

Bend over and I'll show you this PowerPoint. Of me spanking you. He also... If you have the money, you can go to a TED spank. There you go. You found it. He also informed me that if he had to give me a punishment spank for the offense, it would be followed by weeks of reminder spanks.

Oh, good, bonus spanks. Why would you have to be reminded that you were spanked by being spanked? Like, how often do you... Because this bitch is really dumb! It gets to the point where you'd have to bang her ass like bongos bongos, like, 24-7, right? Because you'd have to be constantly reminding her of the reminders of the reminders. Oh. Oh, but, but, but I noticed myself

falling back into that fear again of is this right for us? Or more so, is this right for my bottom? How often should I get spanked by my husband? But then,

I remembered that reminder spanks wouldn't be anything like punishment ones. Alright, last paragraph, right here. The next paragraph is the last one, as far as I am concerned. Oh wait, no, never mind. I saw the words, this is normal in all caps, so we'll have to read that as well.

I can tell you that I have never respected, appreciated, or loved him more than I do in this moment. In return, I feel so much love from him. This is why CDD works. This is why God

led us down this path and why I know my marriage will only lead to good things. So, do you think while she's typing this, he has a paddle at the ready at her ass, and if she types the wrong thing... It's like the equivalent of having a laser sight on your head at some point in time. No! Two spaces after a period. Whack whack! Put an ellipsis, goddammit! That's not how a semicolon works. For all you newbies, ellipsis, I have found that all of us are really scared and somewhat doubtful of this lifestyle.

Yeah. Even if it is our idea. This is normal. It seems like a bad idea, so it's not. I have to shout it because it's so true. Oh, dear. Okay. Oh, boy. There is

so much good stuff here. I mean, good stuff in... Terrible. Because for some reason, I don't think it's quite that good. I don't know why. All right, so we're going to move actually back to sexandchrist.com. Fuck. And specifically, the URL that we're going to is www.sexandchrist.com forward slash threesome.html.

Yay. Oh, good. Hey, Kumquats up. Is a Christian threesome.html. Yay. Oh, good. Hey, Kumquats up. Is a Christian threesome possible? Other than with Jesus? Yeah, the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost, and they're all smacking down on you. Hmm.

Well, the possibility of a threesome, or menage a trois, brings up two main issues of concern to Christians. Are you wiggling your fingers against each other? No, against something. You know, those of homosexuality and adultery. Wait, okay. Yeah, those are concerns,

because if you're talking about a threesome, I think homosexuality and adultery are required. Yeah, it's part of the package. Much has been said about biblical prohibitions against both of these behaviors, but we must look at this situation carefully in context to see how and whether these behaviors. But we must look at this situation carefully. Okay. In context, to see how

and whether these rules apply. Oh, the parts of the Bible I can ignore. Alright, good. Jerry picked the shit out of this. Let's first consider the problem of homosexuality as it relates to a threesome. Cut off his dick.

It's common knowledge It's a pretty lousy threesome at that point. In several packages packages? Passages in both the Old and New Testament the Bible prohibits homosexual acts between men. This is going.

It's totally hot if it's two chicks. Oh, I get going. It's totally hot if it's two chicks. Oh, I get it. Although two men having simultaneous sexual relations with one woman may not have any overt homosexual contact between them, the act

of sharing a woman and bringing together in a sexual situation is nevertheless homoerotic and suggests implied homosexuality as well as presenting a temptation to experiment while one may ordinarily not. You had a threesome,

you fucking gay. We are very heterosexual. Ahem. For this reason, we feel as best for a couple to avoid bringing another man into the picture. You know, when I was told I got to meet the queen,

I was so happy. This is just kind of freaking me out. Most people assume the biblical prohibition against male homosexuality also includes sex between women. Lesbianism. Or

female bisexuality. However, this is a questionable conclusion since the Bible makes little or no mention of women. Well, that's kind of true. Yeah. Full stop. With regard to the subject.

And because the Bible, for better or worse, often holds men and women to different standards regarding sexual roles. For better. Well, there's nothing in the Bible that says two women can be in the bed. Or that a dog can play basketball. Can I spank Air Bud?

I would have loved if that was actually the plot of Air Bud. That, like, he would have been really good at basketball, and then Fudge Metals would be like, it's against God's way! Of course a dog would be good at basketball, but that's not the point. Can we fund that on Kickstarter? Soon all of our human basketball players will be replaced.

It's Adam and Eve, not Air Bud and Slam Dunk. All right, keep going. A left-behind Air Bud crossover. Alright, keep going. In that voice. A left-behind airbud crossover. I like it. Kurt Cameron's not doing anything right now. Oh god, what the hell's going on? Just skip down to of course.

Of course! This does have relevance to the issue of female homosexuality, as many lesbians do assume masculine roles and attitudes, adopt male clothing and mannerisms, and play the part of a male in their relationships with women. I recognize gays from the TV.

Women who fall into this category But Lesbians We are just going more and more off topic Bull dykes Are indeed going against nature With regards to their sexuality So like

Lesbian stuff is cool as long as they're not all gay Right Only with a dude. At the same time, however, there are many women who engage in lesbian or bisexual activity who nevertheless maintain a traditional feminine role and demeanor,

i.e., lipstick lesbians. Since there is no specific prohibition against lesbian sex, as long as these women remain within the boundaries of the female role prescribed by scripture and submit to the authority of the men in their lives, we assume it is permissible. Oh, I think the queen's dying. Switch! I said switch! I can't believe somebody wrote an entire essay of cognitive dissonance

I really want to see two chicks doing it but how can I say how can God be cool with this but it's biblically justified Bible jacking off rules rules rules How can I say it's okay? How can God be cool with this? But it's biblically justified, you see. Bible jacking off. Rules, rules, rules. Well, clearly God would be okay with me having sex with two beautiful lesbians.

Right. I mean, come on. God's a dude. He'd understand. I mean, Lawrence in office space was just really religious. Right. Fuck. religious. All right. Fuck. Okay. Jesus Christ.

All right. So I want to have a Christian threesome. But I want to make sure. Give me that Christian threesome. Give me that Christian threesome. I want to have a Christian threesome, but I want to make sure that I'm doing it by God's rules. So does Keith Urban. Boots, will you tell me how to have a Christian threesome, but I want to make sure that I'm doing it by God's rules. So does Keith Urban. Boots, will you tell me how to have a Christian threesome by God's rules?

Playing by God's rules? Yes. Playing by God's rules. Yeah. If, on the other hand, a married couple feels a relationship would benefit from them establishing a loving involvement another woman. That was kinky, not enough. A loving involvement another woman. Yep.

Out of respect for the couple's marriage, and out of respect for any marital attachments of the woman, they must abide by certain limits and conditions. Point number one. To avoid the impropriety of male homosexuality, a heterosexual couple should not under any circumstances form a

threesome with another man. Because you would be gay. Number two. Both women involved in threesome must be willing to keep within traditional female roles. Such as being in a threesome. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I.e. not taking on masculine appearance or behavior in or out of the bedroom. And recognize the male as leader in the relationship. Hey, Kylie, I heard you had a threesome last night. Yeah, I did. That's why I got this mustache. Number three. If the wife's lesbian sex partner is unmarried, it may

be permissible for the husband to have relations with her only with his wife's consent. Uh, then it's totally, like, adultery. I mean, that's unmarried sex right there. I said consent. Oh. That how adultery works!

Okay. Cool enough. Whatever. Wait, so the woman actually has a choice in this? Because... No, the wife does. So, you marry her and say... The woman comes in a box.

So you say... You tell your wife, uh, we're having a threesome and if you don't like it, I'm spanking the ever-loving tar out of you. Right. But it's your choice! Uh, point number four. If the wife's lesbian sex partner

is unmarried, but the wife does not wish for her to have relations with the other woman, the husband should respect this. Uh, point number five. If the wife's lesbian sex partner is married, her husband must not have objections to the relationship. Why

wouldn't he? Oh, you're doing what on Saturday? Oh, I was just gonna, like, you know, like, as this girl that I go shopping with every once in a while. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna fuck her husband.

Are you gonna be there? Why are we ignoring the concept that I'm using the word lesbian to describe this woman? That's a valid point, too. All woman. Point number six. If the wife's lesbian sex partner is married, the husband should refrain from having any sexual relations with her.

And should make every effort to control his fantasies about her. He should concentrate his attentions on his own wife. Wait, but that was the... He should concentrate his attentions on his own wife. Wait, but that was the... Okay. He should concentrate his attentions on his own wife. What possible problem would you

have with that statement? Does it run contrary to something? What's wrong with you? To the previous statement? Sorry, I wrote all these in a gas-huffing frenzy, but okay. Anyway, the latter case is the most difficult for the husband

since he must not only refrain from having relations with the other married woman in order to avoid making them both adulterers, he must also refrain from having lustful thoughts about her because of what Matthew 5.28 says to us.

But I say and what Matthew says is this, but I say anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eyes has already committed adultery within her, in his heart. So just go ahead and do it then? So just, okay, so you have the two girls making out, so you just have to pretend like the other one isn't there, like she's the invisible woman or something? No, he's saying that the guy whose wife that you're also sleeping with in the threesome with your wife, he can't have lustful thoughts about your wife because that's a sin.

Oh, well, suddenly it makes sense. Yeah. You know what's fun? Myopia. Come quiet. Would you please help me get my relationship back on track? We have an inconsistent spanking pattern. You mean like the pattern I leave in your buttocks?

It's inconsistent. I would like it to be a little bit more uniform, please. It's too red on this side. I was doing the Vulcan thing, so I can't tell where the separation of the fingers are. Ah.

I assume this is going to be, like, cross-stitch advice. So, if you have an inconsistent pattern, this is what you need to do. Okay. One. Mandatory spanking every morning

and every evening that you are together. This must happen without fail. Make time for it. Do this for a... Pencil it into your fucking day planner, why not? It is in my Google Calendar. Honey, wake up. I need you to spank me before I go to work at Dunkin' Donuts.

No, I just can't spank you. Honey, if we're go to work at Dunkin' Donuts. Oh, it's just King's Spank Show. Honey, if we're going to be committing to this lifestyle... Oh, this really sounded like fun on the website. Do this for a period of 14 days total if your weeks are broken up with travel, or two weeks consistently if you're both home.

Yeah, because clearly people like this are like jet setters. So 14 days if you're traveling. I must take off to Monaco. Please spank me before I enter. Can I bank spanks? Front desk. Yeah, I'm going to need someone to spank me in the morning.

What time? Sorry. No, I'm going to take those ones out of my spank bank. No, the other spank bank. Number two. Seven of these 14 days, she must exercise an attitude of submission by coming to her husband and asking to receive a spanking. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ! This is like if the world was written by Kindle porn authors. This is in addition to the regular morning and evening sessions. Whenever you are together for lunch, the middle of the night, it doesn't matter when, the wife must exhibit submission by going to the husband, taking off her clothes, and asking him to discipline her. If you're asking him to, then what the fuck is the point? Like, does she have to make up shit she did wrong?

No, she's just keeping the romance alive. That's what's happening. She's like, oh, I tore the tag off a pillow. Oops. Gotta beat me now. She may bring him a tool, or he may use his hand, take off his belt,

a spatula, ping-pong paddle, hairbrush, whatever it has his disposal. A wet noodle. Just in the middle of a fucking ping pong match. God damn it, I cannot get anything done in this house! Number three. Prior

to the morning and evening session session the wife must be given anticipation and reflection time jesus jesus so you can't get i mean your life your life is this you couldn't do anything else that sounds like this wouldn't like if you had a job You couldn't do this and have a job Well you know it's like You gotta find the direction That points to Mecca And you know this employee has to find it Yeah she needs to get spanked

For religious purposes This is time naked! And either in the corner or in spanking position! Jesus! Reflecting on her behavior and anticipating the discipline he is about to administer.

It doesn't have to be a long period of time. One to three minutes is adequate. Oh, that's... So you can drag time around. One to three minutes of just spanking. No, no, no. This is pre-spanking.

Oh, reflection. Anticipation. Reflection and anticipation, yeah, you're right. Also known as triangulation. Number four! Spankings must be long and hard to be effective. If her bottom isn't bright red and burning hot, then it is not going to be effective. Fast, hard swats get the point across the quickest.

Sure. Yep, that's what spanking is. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Who wants my favorite, favorite piece? That's what spanking is. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Who wants my favorite, favorite piece? I think Adam does. I'll take it.

Adam wants my favorite piece. All right. Is it spanking? This is... It has nothing to do with spanking. Because this is... Like, I can say as much as I want about it, and I still wouldn't be able to oversell it.

This is fucking amazing. Okay, so this is also from gettingspankedasneeded.blogspot.ca. I don't want to give any sort of intro to this, because Adam, just take us through the piece that I've just linked to you. Oh, dear. I understand and wish to continue. That's a picture, all right. Oh, no.

Yeah, there's more of those. Adam, would you read the delightful piece that we have here? Submissive self-spanking. What's your name, by the way? I'm going to look. Heather Wright. You wrote this at noon. Mm-hmm.

On my lunch break. Submissive. Wait, that's time when you should be naked waiting to be spanked, lady. I thought I could blog during reflection time. No, no, you need to concentrate. God, you idiot. You're going to get spanked for that. She's hitting herself in the ass with a laptop at the time.

Oh, okay, that's fine. Submissive self-spanking. My husband is teaching me how to self-spank so that I can do it when he is traveling. Oh my god. It's fucking automated. Yeah. Like a gold farm. This is like one of those ATM machines.

It's hard, but he has set definite parameters and has made me do it in front of him several times now. The other day, he bent me over his desk and placed the whip in my hands and then instructed me to administer 25 hard lashes to my bottom.

Reflection is supposed to be part of this whole rigamarole. So why does nobody ever reflect on how the fuck did our lives get to this point? Because they think they're just thinking, ow, that hurt. He watched and approved the technique and then put the wooden paddle in my hand for 25 more swats. Last, it was the cane. 25 more swats. it was the cane 25 more swats good god after 75 swats my arm was tired and my bottom was bright red he determined that if he is to be gone longer than five days i will be expected to

administer at least one maintenance banking to myself record, and send it to him for approval. That's not approval. That's masturbation. No, he has to sign off on it with his initials. No, I just need to make sure you did it right. I'm not, like, jerking you. I told you to send the goldenrod copy. The goldenrod!

Yeah, this is HD. Run that shit through Premiere. Oh, does she send it like is is there like a bunch of cheesy, like a star wipe? Grayscale and stuff like that, a bunch of filters and shit? Honey, I did what you asked of me. Also, your YouTube account has been closed. He also

said my spankings ought to be as hard as his, and if he comes home and my bottom is free of spanking signs, he will not be happy. Oh, and then he'll spank you? What the fuck is he going to do? I don't mind disciplining myself in front of him, even though it was embarrassing at first.

He is doing it for the betterment of our marriage and our family. This is free marriage and your family. He's the Walter White of spanking. He's the one who spanks. I did this for you. I cannot go too long without discipline.

We both know it. So this was the only option. No. No. See, he's telling me to control myself. Like I would have some sort of self-control. We could buy a spanking machine, but they're hard to hide and expensive.

What the fuck? It's a wheel with a bunch of rubber gloves on it. I really thought spanking machines were only... I thought you were going to just buy a fraternity. Yeah, I thought they were only made up of high school wrestling teams. We could buy a spanking machine, but they're hard to hide and expensive. Or we could have one

of our friends come over and punish me. But that is too awkward. Yeah, that is awkward. Hey, I need somebody to feed my cat and spank my wife while I'm in Monaco. This is another great opportunity for a black and white color transition

of an infomercial. Tired of spanking your wife? It would be a lot of B-roll of women awkwardly trying to spank themselves. Missing. And it'd be in black and white so it'd be Fifty and white so it'd be

Fifty Shades of Grey. What the fuck? Fuck. That fucking was funny. And if I'm ever in the mood for two pussies, then a pussy will bring another pussy to me. Yeah, this is a sex proposal. I just want to marry the pussy. I just want to marry the pussy. Pussy, will you marry me?

I just want to marry the pussy. And there we go. Around about an hour of Hit Me with your patriarchal society. Hit me. Hit me. Oh, that's the worst one yet. Boots, what did you learn this week? I don't know.

What'd you learn this week? What did I learn this week? What did you learn this week? I want to know what you learned this week. All right. Here's what I learn this week? What did you learn this week? I want to know what you learned this week. All right. Here's what I learned this week, and that's that as far as how these people are performing their Christianity and whether or not they're good Christians, I feel like I'm not really in a position to say.

I couldn't really tell you whether or not they're good Christians. I don't think they're doing a good job of being BDSM people, though. I feel like they're kind of fucking that up. Kind of half-assed about it. Oh, boy. Well, that wasn't even intentional. Yeah, I know. But here, like, if somebody's like, oh, oh, you dirty slut.

You were thinking about sucking dick. Oh, how naughty of you, right? That's how, like, I think it's supposed to go. And what the sort of, like, you know, like the sort of the key fob of the whole situation is. However, if you're actually using it as discipline, you're ruining the entire thing. Because then it's like, oh, you didn't do the dishes, spankity spankity, wait, am I supposed to enjoy this, am I not supposed to enjoy this, I'm not really, like, everyone's position is fucking confused. Yeah, also, you're not supposed to talk about it with the family at Thanksgiving. Another good, yeah, another good one.

Just sort of number one rule about bdsm don't talk about it with the family at thanksgiving rule number one don't talk about your with your mother at thanksgiving rule number two uh don't actually like punish people because that's they're a human being. What's wrong with you? Yeah. Yeah. This was a submission by Call Elk. A strange read, because obviously there's a whole lot of just fucked upness that sort of makes people uncomfortable. But I think this is not the way that our podcast should be on a week-to-week basis. But I also like when we do these. I like those episodes where they kind of

stick around for a little while afterwards, and you kind of just know that exists, and it makes your life a little bit worse. I like that aspect of the podcast. The things that sort of chip away at your soul slowly. Right, right, where you're just having a good day, you know, you're out, a good day, you know?

You're out, you're alone, you don't have anything to do that day, and you're at a bar and you're drinking, and you go, ah, life's pretty... Oh, people like that exist in the real world. Extra credit to Call Elk, because I'm sure there was some really, really, really depressing material to sift through to find these. And the place where Call Elk hangs out, and you can as well, is Ball Pits. That's B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. It's a forum.

How that works is you type. There's a little forum field. It's called a text area in HTML. And then you type your thing into the text area, and then you hit a submit button, and then your words appear on the Internet like magic. Yeah, and we've got a punish button there that you can use to punish other people. Holy shit, you're right. I didn't even think about that.

Yeah, yeah. It's entirely meaningless, but if that's what gets you off or appeases your god, come join us. Yeah. Be creepy to others. Wait, no, no, seriously, don't. Not even in jest. Don't be creepy to others. Alright, goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight. And I'm gonna make you happy, pussy And I'm gonna make you happy, pussy I'm gonna make you happy, pussy

It's the Acme Corporation. Excuse me, Acme Co. Could you deliver me one spanking machine in a comically sized wooden crate? Okay, I have to find out what the fuck this thing looks like. Ah, I want to burn after reading this article. You want to burn after reading this article? It was a really fucked up joke.

It didn't work. It was bad. Sorry. Whoever edited that, cut that joke out. I hated it. Make it the stinger, gotcha.