The F Plus - 124: Well, Since You Asked

Episode Date: January 19, 2014

Finally, a place on the internet where people can talk about themselves! ExperienceProject.com caters to people with all sorts of problems, diagnoses, and opinions. The only thing that matters is that nobody has to care. This week on the F Plus, we admire our Hunger Games standee.

Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast, Terrible Things, Red Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm Isfahan. And yeah, so we are like 124 episodes in at this point. Got some great stuff to look forward to. You know, Lemon, I thought about playing lacrosse in high school. I didn't, though. I consider it a lost opportunity.

It's kind of haunted me ever since. Terrific. That's great. Okay, anyway, yeah, so we are going through a broad range of subjects, and I know that some people kind of get warned. You know, recently I decided to switch

to safety razors instead of the cartridge razors, because they're just cheaper. A lot cheaper. Boy, that's seconds of my life that I'm glad I spent on that. Okay, anyway, as we were going to say that I'm glad I spent on that. Okay. Anyway, as we were going to say, we've had two different submissions here. One from Daisy. Well, you know, my job's going great.

I really enjoy the work I'm doing. I think I'm going to be there for a while. What the fuck are you doing? I'm telling you about me because it's all about me and I need to inform people about me. Oh, I see what's happening here. So you recognize that the F Plus is an internet podcast. It's a piece of content on the internet, and therefore it's your job to just talk about yourself incessantly

to an audience of no one. Absolutely, because, you know, like anybody on the internet, I need to inform them about my life and the things that affect me, and I need an outlet for that. No, no, I understand completely. Well, that's no problem. But rather than doing that here in these bumpers, what I'm going to want you to do is to go to Experience Project. It's experienceproject.com. It is a place where people say specific problems or facets to themselves.

You know, I am a kleptomaniac, or I sure do like putting peas in my own butt. And so they say that, and then other people ostensibly start a support group, but they just end up talking about themselves instead. So it's just kind of like a circle jerk, but everyone is pretending like they're the only people that are stroking their own cocks. Oh, this sounds like the place for me. Terrific.

All right, so that's what we got tonight. It's experienceproject.com. Readers, assemble! Do you know what it means to be doomed? Do you know what it means to be cursed? When the blue eyes are washing their mouths in the south You know they're hiding bodies, Lord Did you know that we're sinking? In the room tonight we have Boots Rangir. I touched my boyfriend's penis through his underwear and they were pre-ejaculating.

I touched his hands and he touched my penis. Will it cause to get pregnant? I feel scared. Yes, Fahan. And many the reality makes me surprised, which conclude my awakened memory. Poor Tex. Have any of you experienced being on a podcast with a bunch of nerdy goofballs?

No. Jimmy Franks. Dinosaurs were before man, so do you think God could be a T-Rex and how would I pray to a T-Rex and would he or she understand me? Holy shit, it's Squiddy McConwy! I'm nearby! And Lemon. I'm done fussing with ignorant people.

It's fun at first for a while, but it gets very confusing. Just because they're older doesn't mean they can control everything. Nature is very confusing, so you can't really know what happens. Everyone is diff. Hey, F+. Hey, Lemon. How's it going? Hi. Great. Hi. Do you guys feel like you have

friends? I do get that delusion sometimes. You just tried to show me Luigi sex, so no. Well, you know, we're of course strangers who exist in a cloud of resentment and vanity. So we're not friends. And so if you want friends, you should probably look no further than the Experience Project. friends, you should probably look no further than The Experience Project. It is a place

where people can talk about their own problems with other people who in no way are ever sympathetic to their problems because they're too busy talking about their own problems. That sounds like a safe place to explore your issues.

The site should be called SinceYouAsked.com No, they already bought I Don't Give a Shit, Let's Talk About Me. That sounds like a safe place to explore your issues. The site should be called sinceyouasked.com. No, they already bought I Don't Give a Shit, Let's Talk About Me. All right. Let's start out nice and gentle here. Jimmy Franks. Yeah? You've seen A Beautiful Girl, right?

I have. And I would like to tell you about it right now. Perfect. That would be great. I've seen this beautiful girl, right? I have. And I would like to tell you about it right now. Perfect. That would be great. I seen this beautiful girl. Yeah? Blonde beauty. I got a new job at Walmart. I was working in the toy section when I heard this voice say, excuse me. I turned around and was amazed. There was this

girl standing there, blonde and beautiful. I know you probably hear it a lot, but she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw. I do hear it a lot. She does not have a supermodel body, but she was just a beauty. The one you see once a life. All the while I was thinking this, she was standing there like, hello. Then I came to.

Okay. She asked me a couple questions about putting a display up. Anyway, we started talking about stuff, and she was just so smart and pretty and full of life. Were you talking about the display? Yeah. Did that ever get resolved? Yeah, it was the stand-up for the Hunger Games. It was...

Okay, somebody needed to put this end cab up. So what are you up to? What you doing this weekend? Waiting for you to put this fucking thing up. Was she an employee? I'm sorry. I just told you she was the stand-up for the Hunger Games. It was the Katniss.

Oh, you were talking to the stand-up. Yeah, she's so beautiful. Oh, okay. She's so ready to experience the world. So am I. Well, then lunchtime came. We parted ways. Then midway through lunch, I saw her again.

It seemed like 10 miles away, and it was just for 10 seconds, but it seemed like eternity. So pretty, walking towards me, waving and walking away. It's also weird because she's the only girl who ever showed any interest in me. Anyway. You're imagining that. I'd love to see her again, but I doubt I ever will. Has this happened to anybody else?

I still don't know if she's an employee or a customer. to see her again, but I doubt I ever will. Has this happened to anybody else? I still don't know if she's an employee or a customer. Has anyone ever been horny for a girl? Yes, no. Has anyone ever met a good-looking girl? So this post is entitled I'm in Love with an Older Man.

The original post is not bad. It's quite good. In fact, it does contain the sentence, M14 and he's 27. I met him when I had to take a chatticism course for my conformation. I'm a Catholic. Chatticism.

But it's not exactly what we want. The post by Funky. So in response to the original post of I'm in love with an older man. And probally always will be. Right. Lingari Lover says, I want a girl who loves me. And then after that, Maddox732 tells a story about a guy that she's in love with.

Squiddy, will you take that, please? Oh, God. That's kind of a lot to throw on some out of practice. Come on. I'm going to get the priest to perform the last rites here. All right. Just to help you properly feel this, to get a little more background, it is in a, where is it?

It was at West This Beautiflu Old Monastery. So, just so you have a setting. Dial that in. It paints a picture. It is like five sentences and it is a huge block of text. Okay. Yeah. You can do it.

It is one sentence. Welcome back to the podcast. There's this guy I'm truly in love with. He's just a little bit older than me. Just like you, I go to church every Wednesday just to see him. He puts his arm around me, but I'm not sure if he's joking or not, if you know what I mean. Then when I was hoping he would hold my hand, this my fat girl comes and sits in between us. And me and him look at each other.

Is it your fat girl or my fat girl? And we both have that, um, rude look on our face. I was thinking he would move and come sit next to me, but he didn't, of course. But then when I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, he was still there and he told me to sit next to him and he called me sexy or sweaty or pretty. I couldn't really make that word out.

Whoa! That's a big difference. You are perspiring, baby. Woo! You're so sweaty. Or ugly or tiresome. So I sat down and he put both arms around me and said, it'll keep you warm. So of course, of course, I was screaming with joy inside. And screaming with regular outside. Then I asked

my cousin if she had his number, but she didn't know I liked him because she was apparently oblivious to everything. And I didn't want to tell her I liked him because she's a blabbermouth. It turned out she had his number, but wouldn't give it to me because she was in one of her moods. So I asked her to ask him if he liked her something. I've liked before. Yeah, why not? Have you ever liked her something? And she said he never replied, but she lies, so I didn't know if he replied or not.

Wow. You're a great friend. This is my cousin. I ask people questions and then don't believe their answers, so... Well, they say that she's a shitty friend, but she's the one calling her friend my fat girl, so, you know... Fucking, this is a very unhappy relationship these two women have. Oh my gosh, I can't even find my place now. She said he urged.

So the next time at church she saw him put his arm around me, so she texted me and was like, Ooh, that's why he wanted his number. So I was like, yeah, can I have it? And she said she didn't like the idea of us going out, so she didn't give it to me. She said she would text him again, and I think she told him I didn't like him or something because I carpool with him and my cousin in the mornings to school and my mom was picking me up the whole week so I sat in the front. So you go to church

with him, you hang out with him, you carpool with him. He puts his arms around you. He puts his arms around you but you can't figure out an in to get his phone number? Clearly she has to use the horrible cousin. Oh. She wants to make sure she's got a green light before she...

She is the gatekeeper. She doesn't want to be too aggressive and blow it. Oh my gosh, this is like stream of consciousness here. She's actually devolving. It's getting worse the more she talks. Or how dick happened. Bad girls say so. talks. How dick happened.

Bad girls say so. I carpool in the mornings to school and my mom was picking up that whole week so I sat in the front. The guy like sat in the middle but he leaned forward so his face was beside me to where he could see me and my cousin sat in the back but after that night when she texted him he sat in the back furthest

from me and he pouted the whole time and was quiet. My cousin sat in the middle seat and then my nosy mom had to get into this. So she went to the guy's house and asked his older brother what his number was. So I was freaking pissed at her. Nobody is allowed to have his number but me. This week on Downton Abbey. I was so freaking pissed at her halfway because I got his number but it was sad that my mom had to get it for me. So I texted him, and he laughed at almost everything I said because I'm just a funny person and have a very large personality.

And the next day, my cousin's mom picked up, and he sat right next to me! Whoa! I think it's creepy that you're using your mom to help with your dating life, but whatever. I know, right? Mom, I really want to have sex with this guy, but my fat girl is stopping me. Ew. I got you covered, baby!

Her conscience is a fat girl. Oh, is that the twist? Hey, my daughter wants your phone number and she's got low self-esteem! Twilight Sparkle is her mom? Apparently. Wow, this includes a cotillion. This is awesome.

And then from then on, he sat right next to me, then the cotillion came, and I got to dance with him, but I was tongue-tied because I get very nervous in person. You weren't tongue-tied. I know, but I get very nervous in person.

You were townstied. What were you? Oh, townstied. Oh, townstied. Townstied.-tied. I know. But I get very nervous in person. You were townstied. What were you? Oh, townstied. That's even worse. Oh, tongue. Tongue. I get very nervous in person. Like, I freeze up. And now we're re-on fall break, so he's at the beach, but he still has been texting me.

What the hell is this story? This is like the story of how... She likes a guy. How she likes a guy and he likes her too. And it's a very big deal where he sits in the van. It's also like, it's a really great sort of like early taste of experience project

because like Funky comes in here and says like, oh I'm in love with this older man, blah blah blah and then Maddox shows up and goes, I like this boy! Yeah, it has nothing to do with anything else. Completely unrelated. She's commiserating. She's like, hey, I hear ya.

I can one-up ya. I can top that. I hear ya, which is weird because I'm shouting so loud. It's that classic forum thing of, oh, you have conflict? I don't have that. Yeah. I'm skinny. Goodbye. All right.

Isfahan, is it true that you're emo? Yeah. Is that true? Is it also true that you're goth? I don't know. Let me check. Yeah. I heard Susie's two-star one.

That you're both emo and goth. You're right, Lemon. I'm emo and goth. Wow, me too. Rich goth girl, I love being goth. It's one of the reasons I don't have to worry about peer pressure. That's peer as in jetty. Other people have to worry about peers. Yeah, well, you know, when the tide comes in...

These Steven Seagal direct-to-video movies are getting horrible. The structural integrity of this marina. I don't give a shit, I'm goth! What, what? Well, until you account for Christian, I don't know who Christian is, but she's not someone I tend to be with. Oh.

Yeah, sure. No one in my family knows, meaning they don't care why I am goth. Don't care why I am goth. How fucking strange. I don't bother telling them because they don't care. All they want is me to act like a normal girl that lives in Florida.

We live in New Mexico. I don't understand. They want me to act like a Floridian. Act like a crazy person who lives in the shed and wrestles alligators. There's no crazy people in Florida. Come on. There isn't an entire blog devoted to Florida man. Oh, Florida man. the world's worst superhero.

Yeah. Which ain't going to happen once. When I was gone, they paid to have my room repainted and remodeled. I wanted to kill them, but I got my way with them, and they gave me some money. I took the rest from them. Before you go saying I'm an evil bunch of stars, they're loaded. They've never paid attention to what I wanted, and as a kid they never paid attention to me. I guess I just wanted a mother and father that cared about me.

Now I treat them like kids to see if they'll discipline me, but know nothing. They don't even care enough to try. Right. So you want them to be more involved in your life? Nobody's ever done what you're doing. Pioneer. I'm angsty and self-involved.

I guess that's my fault too once I said I'd kill myself if they didn't stop messing with my goth stuff. Wait a minute. Okay, so they don't care enough to do like, do anything to me. Now they're doing stuff to me. I'm gonna kill

myself. They don't care. Hey, stop messing with my goth stuff. They don't care if I'm a goth, though. Stop taking my crow soundtrack out of the stereo. Oh, she's goth and a time traveler. Yeah.

Stop taking my on-loop Bauhaus out of that. Whatever. Well, it's no reason to just let me bully them. We live in the Ocean 3. This place is a tower where each floor is like a small house, and one of those 50 floors is our home. I hate it. I hate being South Beach. Living in South Beach and being goth

don't mix very well. The sun burns me alive. I hope she has really cool goth outfits that also show her butt cheeks. Yeah. Be good in a montage. Yeah, it would be. In a montage for Burn Notice, then there's the weird goth girl.

Oh yeah, totally! be in a montage for like Burn Notice, then there's the weird goth girl. Oh, yeah, totally. When you're a spy, you're really sad. Well, I'm done. So for three people, use this account. Use this one account. Me, I'm Susie. I'm in high school. Another Susie.

She's only 10, and this other girl's star, she's 9. They wanted me to point that out. Oh, and I'm just Goth, not Emo. Great! Then I understand why you titled this I Am Emo and Goth. And the title of this once again, I Am Emo and Goth. Well, hold on a second. That's a twist ending, man. Well, maybe

Susie and Star are Emo. Why do three people have to share an account? That's the thing. This goes like, oh, no one's ever had problems like me before. I'm so original and unique. By the way, I'm using the old other people share this account rules from like 1995. Yeah, that's... Why would you make them up to be...

What is it with girls that like saying, oh, other people use this account too? Because you need your own email address in order to make an account in a website. How the fuck can you get one of those? Otherwise she wouldn't be able to call herself Susie's 2 star 1 if she isn't actually two Susies and a star. Holy shit, you're right!

I think Susie's just won that table tennis match. Portex. I'm creative it is. Portax. I'm creative, it is. Portax, what's your favorite smell? Like, just kind of a smell that you like to have. Is it sort of like baking cookies or lavender? I would say peanut butter and jelly sandwich

covered in herbal essence as shampoo. Good, that's a good guess. Oh, vintage herbal essence, like from the 90s? Because they've just started to remake that. Oh yeah, aged like a fine wine on've just started to remake that. Oh, yeah. Aged like a fine wine on my peanut butter and chili sandwich. Oh, dear. It's probably fermented by now.

Anyway, that's the incorrect answer anyway. That's not your favorite smell. How could that be the incorrect answer to anything? This is not your favorite smell. I'm going to paste this link, and then you're going to tell me, Tybron, what your favorite smell is. What the fuck? Also, what is your avatar, Tybron? Why are you saying that about your own preference?

Yeah, that's weird. Oh, look, yeah, okay. So, my name... Oh, my God. Okay. Go on. My name is Tybron, and my icon is from the fucking Jack webcomic. Is it?

Yeah. Then you're not a pervert. Those misshapen eyes, that fucking mouth, that is totally... I just thought it was some generic skunk furry thing. No. Anyway, what do you like? I like punching lemon in the face, but also, I like the smell of skunks. Oh, shit.

Skunks. Yeah. Read on. A fine mix of natural aromas. When I smell a skunk on the wind, it's majestic enough that even when passengers in my car roll up their windows and gag, I roll mine down and slow down or even stop to enjoy it if I'm alone. Masturbate. Which is often.

I've loved the scent ever since I was a kid, but even more so as an adult. To be truthful, it does wonders for my libido. You don't say. Uh-huh. But I'll stop on that thought since this is, after all, a public entry. Wow, really? You wouldn't want to come off looking like a pervert.

A furry with some modicum of... Yeah, you're right. Some modicum of respectability and, you know, thinking about what they're projecting to the world. Also, there are two more paragraphs to your post. Oh, sorry, sorry. I slowly got used to skunk scent at stronger levels because it really is a whole new level of aroma when fresh sprayed and then filtered out by the wind by far.

I won't lie, there's lots of parts of it so pungent I can see why people hate it. Garlicky theols, oniony sulfurous reek, a gasoline additive tinge, and burnt rubber and coffee grounds all mixed up into one big aromatic experience. Oh, also,

also the fact that it's a stench that comes off the liquid off of an animal's anal gland. Yeah. It's almost as if they specifically evolved that to keep things away. Mm-hmm. I am happy that I learned a new word. I've never heard the word theole before.

Are you looking it up? Yeah. Exciting. Well, it's basically a garlic odor. Sure. Yeah, because garlicky. Whenever I smell a skunk, garlicky is really the first one that comes to mind. Is there an Italian restaurant nearby?

Yeah, this is happening. This is skunking in an olive garden, you guys. You don't even know. This is starting to read like an online beer review. You know, you're probably not far off as to how they approach this. I think perhaps it's the unique mix that makes skunk scent enjoyable for me, though. I love it so much I've bought pure quill skunk spray from hunting supply stores online, as well as chased skunks.

See, I had a skunk encounter group for details. There's a group. Imagine every time you walk into the hunting supply store, they whisper in hushed tones and point at you. Skunk guy. details. Here's a group. Imagine every time you walk into the hunting supply store, they whisper in hushed tones and point at you. There's a skunk guy. Well, I show up in full fursuit, but, you know. Ma'am, what are you

doing with all this skunk spray? He's going to come over here and buy all our supply of skunk spray. What would make you think that, just because I'm dressed up in skunk pajamas? And a big mascot head? Do you have anything smellier? It's gotta smell worse than me, you guys.

There's theories going around as to why 10% of Americans polled secretly enjoy the scent of skunk. Theory one being I just fucking made that up. What poll was that? They asked you and ten other people,

and those are the studies. Ten percent of people in the I had a skunk encounter group. What the fuck are the other nine people doing there? No, the other 90 percent publicly enjoy it. The ten percent secretly enjoy it. Gotcha.

Some postulate that us skunk sniffers are missing a receptor to make us hate it. I don't think I'm missing that. Because I definitely smell the stinky parts. I don't understand what hate means. Others postulate we might be detecting pheromones in the scent meant for other skunks. That might be more likely.

Because I really want to convince myself I'm actually a skunk in some way. I do, after all, enjoy a lot of other natural scents. Some people don't even smell. No, they just don't mention that they smell your farts. They can, they just don't talk about it. Well, they secretly love it. Also, seems I read somewhere that one-thirteenth of men and one-third of women

can't even detect pheromones anymore, so it could be that. Didn't we just talk about... Some postulate, others postulate, seems I read somewhere... All these furry message boards can't be wrong. Why did the professor return

my paper on skunk spray? Is he actually saying that one third of women can't detect pheromones? No, they can detect pheromones. That sounds like woman talk to me. Be less of a skank and more of a skunk, Squiddy. I'm a skank skunk.

Hey, I've got some fact-checking here. Thank you. I was looking up the 10% fact, and skunklover.com... The source for unbiased skunk reporting.

I don't know why you're laughing, but okay. No, sorry, go ahead. In the skunk lover history section, it says, it all started on Hollywood squares. It says, I realized my love the Skunk Lover History section, it says, It all started on Hollywood Squares.

It says, I realized my love of skunk and that I was not alone while watching Hollywood Squares in the 80s. The question was, what percentage of people secretly love the smell of skunks? I don't remember if it was Liza Minnelli, John Denver, or those freaky Phyllis Diller lookalikes that answered. Also, honest to God, my 37th birthday is... I'm gonna go to sleep. Anyway, yeah, it's a fact that comes from Hollywood Squares. Great. As their source. 30 years ago. Whatever the case, I'm a skunk lover.

It's no less true. So there's somebody, there's a bunch of skunk lovers with, like, this episode of Hollywood Squares, like, between two candles, on a nice little table, the sheet it's like their shrine also uh more people who like the smell of skunks uh include Lone Skunk yeah uh Skunk Skunk Spray Me Now and Skunk Skunk Sprayed all caps and And there's three responses. There's from Skunk Smeller.

Can I join you on a skunk hunt sometime? And Masked Skunk agreed. So this guy obviously said, Hey, won't you follow me over to Experience Project and want to help organize a skunk chase sometime? Hey, Boots, I don't remember what happened to you recently. Did you win the Oscars, or were you a victim of satanic ritual abuse? Isn't the same thing?

The answer is both. I can't remember. Oh, I was, well, both happened to me, but I should just stick to the one story. When I won the Oscars. Okay, great. Then this was your Oscar speech. It's called I Just Want to Say Fuck You.

Okay. Bait and switch. All right. I see you handing out statues to the girl I love. Oh, this is... Wow. I just want to say fuck you. is, wow. I just want to say, fuck you.

Yeah, sure. This is the 34th Annual Receives Academy Award. Oh, the Receives Academy. They're very selective. All right, I've been, yeah, remember, yeah, okay. I've been given the stage note to clear my throat. Oh, I want to mention, by the way, that you're going to be seeing asterisks if you're

reading this as a guest, but if you actually sign up for the Experience Project, you can read the word fuck. That is literally a promise that they make to members. Oh, also, I believe that even though it's going to be applicable anyway, I still say every though it's going to be applicable anyway,

I still say every instance of stars needs to be the word fuck. Yeah. I've been sticking to that as well. Here we go! I just have a few words. I didn't write a speech or anything. I didn't expect this at all. Wow, this is so surreal here.

Here it goes. I thought you weren't in a movie or anything. I just want to say fuck you to fate for all the stupid, fetid cupcakes that you throw in my direction. Hmm, cupcakes. Huh. Whatever you have against me is beyond my comprehension, so I thank you for your contribution. Fuck you. I want to say fuck you to life.

You have a great way of convincing me that you aren't fair when in reality you're just afraid of good people. Are life and fate in the audience of this ceremony? No, this is really impeccable logic you're seeing here because he's saying fuck you to life because life hates winners and so

winners are like him, are failing and thus appearing as failures, even though they're winners. He's such a nice guy, too. No, it's fuck you to life, because right at the beginning, I rolled teacher,

and then my brother rolled doctor, and we were just fucked for the whole thing. Fuck you. Fuck you for that joke. How's about you go fuck yourself with a train for therapy, eh? Yeah, fuck you harder. All right. Fuck you to my doubts.

I'm gonna get you, sucka. That's not a very good movie. I liked it. Fuck you, Disney, for making me fuck myself in disappointment. I'm gonna take you down. That's Mad Libs great. Fuck you, George Lucas, because you disappointed all your

fans with your perfectionist bullshit. What? He's just speaking truth to power, guys. Fuck you, Bill Gates, for making a fuck operating system. Fuck OS. Fuck you, Steve Jobs. Your Apple Inc. is a cult bent on mediocrity. I don't care if you're dead.

You aren't a revolutionary like Dennis Ritchie in your field. Yeah! Take that while I Google that name that you just used. Oh, he's a guy from Bell Labs. Okay. Fuck you, Starbucks. I don't need an explanation. Fair enough. You don't know how that works.

Fuck you to Facebook and Twitter for sterilizing the human connection. To my neighbors, fuck all you, because I don't need to say it. I feed off your misery when I pull pranks on you. Fuck, fuck. Are you, uh... Is this written by Bam Margera? Wait, you shit on his joke and you told that one?

Yeah, I did. I did both of those things. Double standard. To every single cop that has stopped me based on racial profiling, fuck you for that and fuck you for giving me a hard time. Fuck you, memory. I wish you weren't so efficient. I still see everything I want to forget

in full 1440p HD. Fuck you, my brain. You're too good. Fuck you, subconscious, for plaguing me with nightmares and feeding off my misery. Fuck you, misery, for latching on with Gorilla Glue.

Fuck you to love for being so tragic toward me constantly. Fuck you to love for being so tragic towards me constantly. Fuck you to the US government for subtly taking away my rights. Subtly. It's subtle. There's not news reports or anything. Fuck you, Google, for being Google.

Nice. Nice. Love that one. Fuck you, Instagram. You made more hipster zombies than Resident Evil. A game series known You made more hipster zombies than Resident Evil. A game series known well for its hipster zombies. That game's got zombies in it, and he said zombies.

Ugh, architecture in Helsinki. Ugh. Fuck you to all the developers of security software. You never get it right. Fuck you to all the hackers that make my internet traveling tougher than it needs to be. Fuck you to that air marshal who thought I was a terrorist

because I grew up my beard. I'm glad I broke your nose because you deserved it. That totally happened. I think this is Axl Rose. This is the liner notes to the next Guns N' Roses album. Fuck you to that guy in the front row who has a camera! Get him!

Fuck you to the narcissist. You don't get anything done. Just everybody on Experience Project just immediately got offended. Fuck you, economics. You're the biggest lie ever. Thank you for making me work like a pack horse just so I can eat. Yes, the fact that economics exists is why you have to work like a pack horse just so I can eat. Yes, the fact that economics exist is why you

have to work like a pack horse just so you can eat. Fuck you to the Turkish Armed Forces Gendarmerie branch. Fuck you to the PKK. You have no honor. Honor? I don't know what that means. You have no honor, PKK. Fuck you, humanity. Fuck you for fuck-fuck up the ratio

of good-bad people. Fuck you, God. Thank you for fuck-fuck up the ratio of good-bad people. Fuck you, God. Thank you for nothing. You've been dead to me for a long time. Nice. I have no God. Wow, so you just said fuck you to God, so where could you possibly go from there?

Obviously, fuck you, George R. R. Martin. You killed off my favorite Game of Thrones character and made him die like a fuck. Fuck you, Scientology. I don't want to join your alien orgies. I do. I like Scientology, but that sounds great. That's how you get people in there.

Fuck you, Dell Incorporated. Thank you for the faulty hard drive you shoved into my laptop. Fuck you, Opportunity. Thank you for being elusive, but I will fuck you up regardless. You're mine. Fuck. Fuck you to the publishing industry for allowing

the most fucky writing to ever exist in our time. Cough. Twilight. Cough. Fifty Shades of Gay Cough.ough. Fifty Shades of Gay Cough. Ooh, Fifty Shades of Gay! Yeah, I have to mask that behind a cough because I wouldn't want to piss anyone off.

I mean, he does realize that there are good books. I mean, he just said, fuck you publishing company because you produced Twilight, but he likes Game of Thrones and those books got published. No, fuck you. Fuck you, George R. R. Martin. Yeah. Fuck you, me, and the things I read.

I can't believe he killed off the one character I liked in Game of Thrones. Okay, where was I? Oh, right. Fuck you to the staff of the Experience Project. I'm sure you'll never read this anyway. And fuck you, Hollywood. You mess everything up, and I will make you'll never read this anyway and fuck you Hollywood you mess everything up and I will make you my slave and finally

fuck you to reality, existence, the universe it's basically you against me and I'm gonna fuck you up sideways good whatever you do to me I will give back a thousandfold I can't wait to use this one day PEACE Dun! Dun-dun-dun! Dun-dun-dun! Back in black! I can't wait to use this one day. Peace!

Oh! Oh, you actually dropped your mic! Oh, wow. Terrific. We are easily impressed. Hi, I'm back. I like how he's... So he's gonna get successful enough to win an Academy Award and then tell everyone,

fuck you, Game of Thrones from like 17 years ago. You know, there was a really good reaction from his valedictorian speech that he just decided to keep going. What is this YouTube link? He provides a YouTube link to something. Is it...

Who cares? Okay. It's probably Rick Astley. Point number eight, fuck Soapapippa and anyone who likes it. Point number nine, mega fuck you for being a moron. Listen, I... Fuck Felix Wankel, creator of the Wankel rotary engine.

Sure. For being so efficient. Great. My name is deleted. And I am a diehard Michael Jackson fanatic. What makes Michael Jackson sexy to me is the entire package. Mike comes with that swag that just lingers on. Maybe it's the sparkly sock, but whatever it is, it keeps me watching.

It's like he walks on air. Not anymore, but it just glides across any space with that swag, the way he looks in a suit. MJ wears the hell out of a suit. It's like the suits he chooses to wear know everything about his body and holds to his shape well. It's almost like

he could afford world-class tailors who take his measurements and then make suits designed exactly for him. It's almost like he could afford world-class tailors who take his measurements and then make suits designed exactly for him. It's like, you know, when you see footage of Michael Jackson, you go, that guy's dressed really well. That's a not-dumb outfit you have on. Then it's his eyes. Mike has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen.

No one has eyes like Michael. Deep and penetrating. Like, wow! His voice is just so different, also. When he sings, his voice just reaches in and touches something in me. When he talks, his voice is masculine

yet soft. His voice caresses my eardrums. The sensuality he displays in some of his videos when he performs is something else also. Divinity in motion. Give in to me. That's not related to what I was saying. I just thought I'd put that in its own paragraph. It's like he hides this part of him and then

it escapes and wow! Doesn't hurt that he is packing something dangerous down south either. I have this jet magazine with a picture of him performing. down south either. Okay. I have this Jet magazine with a picture of him performing, but the still shot shows

that he's got something to work with down there. So there's like 500 pictures in this. Yeah. Why couldn't you just scan and upload that Jet magazine photo? Well, no, all these pictures are just like,

so for reference sake, just so you know what Michael Jackson looks like. Well, no, all these pictures are just like, so for reference sake, just so you know what Michael Jackson looks like. Oh, yeah. Michael Jackson, the beer writer? Damn. Might be a V, whatever that is. But Mike definitely would have got it if he wanted it. A vagina.

Michael Jackson might have a vagina. What? He might have a super fat vagina. A bulbous, bulging vagina. It's a penis that bends on like a 200 degree angle. Oh my goodness. Ouch. They're probably useful for something.

I think the author's saying that they're a virgin oh okay oh the author is a V yes no but Mike would have definitely got it okay well there we go he could have had it if he wanted oh okay

yeah okay yeah yeah because he probably wanted it probably would have ruined me for the next man but hey how could I say no to Mike anyways if I was in a marriage or relationship Mike still would have ruined me for the next man, but hey, how could I say no to Mike anyways?

If I was in a marriage or relationship, Mike still would have got it. No is not an option for him. The offer is definitely the virgin here. Yeah, totally. Is that like in the wedding vows? Like, I promise to love, honor, and obey, unless Michael Jackson comes around, in which case, fuck this.

Uh, sure. That is known as the Sinead O'Connor clause. Okay, sure. Yeah, of course. And then they go on because they ran out of normal pictures of Michael Jackson and started photoshopping him on other people. The cowboy one is very obvious. The fedora. Michael and those fedoras were something else.

I don't care what hairstyle he had. They all look good on him. Did you ever look at his face for, like, the last 20 years? Did that factor in? I was distracted by the fedora. Oh, right. Fair enough. Fat guys use that all the time. Look at that fat guy!

Oh, wait a minute. Look at that handsome man. Who doesn't love a fat guy in a stupid hat? Come on now. I love the pics I have of him with his hair blowing in the wind. To me, that's when he was the sexiest. Coupled with his eyes. His hair always

looked good. Don't get me started on his hands and feet. Fucking do not do it. And now that that's been said... His hands were just so big and his feet! Oh god, who got him started on it? Not me. No, yeah, don't look at me.

Which gets you to wondering if that myth about black men is true. I don't know what myth means. I think it is. And the crotch grab... And the crotch grabbing... Damn! Out of this world! Men don't do that.

Men never grab their crotches. Most can't reach it. But when Mike does it, you know he feeling the moment. For a few moments, the music got to him, knee deep. I love the feeling. I love the sensuality he displays when he dances. The he-he's, shamones, and

ah-woos. Damn, damn, damn, just too damn sexy. The boy is bad. The boy is dangerous. And the playful side of Mike. Smile. Then, of course, his intellect. Michael knew so much.

Michael is a visionary. I don't think the world has ever seen this level of genius since the days of Imhotep. Yeah, all the Egyptians elevated Michael Jackson to godhood. Wow. I think this was written by the writers of Look Around You. I'm ignorant to history.

What did Imhotep do? Imhotep was an actual guy, but he was such a great architect and was so revered that when he died, the ancient Egyptians decided, oh, he's probably a god now, so he became the god of building. They worshipped him. Oh, okay. So just like Michael Jackson. Glad I'm female, because if I were a man, I would dig Mike and that would make me gay.

LOL! Mike is just going to be crazy. Huh. That's a twist ending. Jimmy Franks, do you want to share your political views with us finally finally will you finally want to stop sharing his political views with us yeah good um i got something that i i've been on my mind for a while okay so first of all uh what's your name again my name is um i don't know where find it It's on the bottom of the post

My name is Well on Experience Project I go by Ironman123456789 00000 Ironman 12,345,670,900,000 So that So that wasn't taken already?

You managed to get that one for yourself? Wait, is this the What's the Purpose of Cows one? Is this the cows? No. Okay, or the one about hippopotamuses? What's going on? You need the answer to those cows. I hate America!

Yep. Oh. How I hate USA. Bad things about USA. Not America. Because first of all, US citizens consider themselves as sole Americans. Fuck!

What about South America? They consider themselves Americans too, Rick. Are you with me so far? Yeah, that's a fair point. Yep, totally. I hate USA because they stick their nose in everybody's fuck and can't keep to themselves. I H-USA because they lock up innocent people and want them to obey that they have just kidnapped for fun without proof. It's a prison full of batshit.

I spent a summer in Guinan, Mobe, and it was pretty nice. Excuse me, Iron Man, is that your fuck? I hate USA, because they call themselves fair and fuck, and they are just a bunch of communists and thugs. Right. I hate USA, because they are, oh, uncultured.

They think any Middle Eastern perso is a terrorist. They think a Middle Eastern peso is a terrorist. I could go on. This is a start. Great. Sorry. Bad spelling. I had so many ideas.

Did not pay attention's excuses only for non-USA people. Oh, and fuck Sopa Pippa and mega fuck USA! Yeah! I'm not sure if that last one was a criticism or a rallying cry. Yeah!

Yeah! Someone took the time to make a point-by-point rebuttal about this. Yeah, I mean, Someone took the time to make a point-by-point rebuttal of this. Mind-warping. I mean, no fuck you is pretty much the statement, but, you know, it's that, but longer. Mega fuck you for being a moron. Nice.

Checkmate. Boots, don't you hate the... You hate the Dutch, right? I'm sick of the Dutch. Hey, sick of the Dutch! It's time to hate the Dutch. Well, Kenedo-Dutch relations are at an all-time low. Okay, so this entire post...

This entire post is in all caps, so it's a good indication of quality. I opened the Sonic the Hedgehog one. I know, This entire post is in all caps, so it's a good indication of quality. I opened the Sonic the Hedgehog one. I know, so did I. What the fuck is happening? Sonic the Hedgehog is not right. I am Sarista Crystals. And I am fascinated by genetics.

Sure. Fair enough. Genetic abuse by military or secret societies. I know this is strange, going to sound weird, but I have experienced strange things, viruses, plagues, and almost man-made climate-like storms. They hit the strategic places almost, like in the movie The Mummy.

Hey, guys, I've gotten sick, and I've been in a storm before. There's a conspiracy here. I saw a movie. I do believe that organizations are spreading diseases deliberately to certain genetic types. Sure. I'm scared because I think they're stopping me having a life of my own.

They can destroy people and brainwash them. Make them type in all caps. They can stop them having money and careers, family, or breeding. I believe I've been abused by a Dutch satanic power that has caused me learning problems, illness, and confusion.

It's kind of like a ring, ring, a roses, a pocket, a ball, posies, a tissue, a tissue, we all fall down. It's a pocket full of poises. Sorry, a pocket full of poises. Genetic types are falling down and it has something to do with the semite origins

and other factors. I was wondering where he was going with genetic types. I'm surprised that didn't go on for 15,000 more weeks. I would say for his thesis he was surprised. Anyway,

it's like that episode of Doctor Who with the blood types being overtaken and doing weird things. Even your paranoia is vague. I think my levels were alright for that. Yeah, it was fine. Good. Those same people

that have heard you yell those other things are walking past right at that point. I just, yeah, I love that visual as like a running gag. So, so, that was a post by

Zarista Crystals. Zarista Crystals who has a lot to say about the Dutch. There is, here's the thing, here's the thing,

there are, we got two different submissions on the Experience Project from the same day. Two different people. And both people ended up submitting at least one piece by Teresa Christmas. Most of them are about the Dutch and

Satanism. Oh, those Dutch. Always worshipping Satan. Wow. As a child, this Dutch girl bashed me. We got into a fight. My mom went off as both of us. I did not start the fight or break her bones or bruise her. She was a liar!

So that's, yeah. That's pretty much what she does. Portex! Yes? How's it going? Doing alright? Eminently scary? Why are you scared?

Just because you like the smell of skunks? I'm not a furry, you guys! I'm not a furry! Yeah, fine. It's fine. Just tell me about your love life and do it in a way that proves that you're not a furry. Okay, fine. I'll do it in a way... Sure. Your avatar is

Sonic the Hedgehog, but... Avatar is actually an echidna from the Sonic Comics asshole. Yeah, no, you're not digging yourself deeper, no way. I'm not a furry! Not a furry. What's your name? My name is Angela Dark.

She's somewhere from 31 to 35. And I'm an F. I'm an F-grade human being. Experience Project rates you 8. Yeah, I was about to say, I like the idea of Experience Project grading people's posts. Or their lives. And I am in love with a

fictional character. Oh, wow. Breaking new ground here. Mm-hmm. Sonic. Oh, dear. I can't help it. I love the Blur Blur. That supersonic hedgehog.

Ever since the first game, I've been a fan, but it was the Sat AM cartoon that made me really like him. He's in a lot of my fantasies, including sexual ones. including sexual ones. Also, the girl I think is his best and truest love, Princess Sally, is exactly who I want to be. Well, pretty damn close, anyway. Oh.

I know I'm not the only who feels for this particular fictional character look at him after all hmm I'm regretting signing this poster for you now oh the response I love Mr. Hankey yeah I don't know if that's a troll or if we just totally buried the lead

that's gotta troll or if we just totally buried the lead on this one. That's gotta be the troll. Actually real in the South Park dimension? And I can get in contact with him? That second response by him, though, was pretty impressive. Yeah. Even if it is a troll. He's putting some effort into this, yeah.

Um, uh, Squiddy, you have a roadmap to a new and better world Right? Yeah I'm glad that we can finally have you back on the show So you can talk about that And improve this world that we all live in

So your name is Panzermeister You're somewhere between 18 and 21 And here is a photo of your fat belly What could this post possibly be? I've seen fatter bellies than that. Panzermeister is just a stomach. Okay.

I think obesity should be encouraged in society. Fat is good. Why not embrace what is already upon us? Obesity is helpful to our society in a huge number of ways. We can't fight wars if people are too fat to run. Oh! Okay.

Well, that's not really true. Modern warfare is a lot of machines. They can all just kind of roll at each other. You don't know. He was watching the Olympics, and he saw the 100 meter dash, and he's like, oh, this is war. That's how wars are decided, is whoever runs the fastest.

We don't need slaves if we get all the food we need. Okay, there are so many things wrong with what was just said there that I'm having trouble forming even a snark to say about it. How do you get the food then? There. Money from

somebody walks by, just bite off a chunk. I mean, we're not going to pay that person, so they're basically... So you hide underground like a fucking wolf spider, and if a normal person walks past you, you jump out and devour them? Well, we already have those things where we can carry our babies on our backs.

Well, you know, I mean, there's liposuction. I guess we could harvest fat from people, and then feed ourselves. But then they wouldn't be fat. Yeah, no, you would become fat because you would eat the fat that was liposuctioned from people's fat. I'm seeing a really terrible dystopic

student film from this one here. If we could eat people and also never poop and then convert all the energy back into our bodies, we could constantly eat each other and never have to need food again. I'm taking a screenwriting class. And it's sexy.

All right, keep going here. Money from fat people pays food company employees. True, yes, okay. I'll give you that one. Money from fat people boosts the economy. It drains other parts, but sure. Okay. No need for P.E. and other sports, which cost money. Food doesn't cost money.

Can't have slaves if they can't labor. I don't really see how slaves figures into this, actually. Twice, that's how many times it figures into this. We need these benefits. We also have an amazing science program in our society. Embracing it could quite possibly eliminate fat-caused diseases, since just the other day they found a way to rework someone's DNA to make sure they didn't get specific health issues throughout their life.

Just the other day. Holy shit. We solved all illnesses, so therefore everyone should be fat. Look, okay, here's the deal. I'm going to eat this 10-pound thing of jelly bellies, and it's up to science to cure my diabetes. That's right. Time was you didn't have science.

Self-unclogging hurts. This is the improved law that claims that that's impossible. Unbreakable ankles. Next, we should focus on developing a plant that grows without water and is extremely carbohydrate and sucrose-based to help the people of Africa and other dry countries slash continents slash nations. Yes, because the problem that people in Africa are having is that they're not fat. Right, right. We know you have an AIDS epidemic, but we think you can fix that with an obesity epidemic. We're just going to skip right past the part where you eat healthy and skip to the part where you eat foods that will make you unhealthy again.

If we take a look at an average overweight kid and you ask a doctor how it will affect him, there is no answer. We just know how to make thin people healthy. Oh, couldn't we have gotten Victor on this episode we would have had to just edit him out oh there's no answer Victor had nothing to say to that he was like he's like you got me you got me doctor will just tell you that he's unhealthy that's because truly is no problem there truly is no problem with being fat he just said he's unhealthy. That's because there truly is no problem with being fat. But he just said he's unhealthy. That's a problem. No.

He's unhealthy, but I mean that in a good way. Right. With that genetic work we could do, fat could actually be considered healthy. I love how DNA is like the modern magic. Yeah, and this whole theory is based on this fake thing, the science that has never happened. In the 1940s and 50s, it was atomic energy, and now it's DNA. It can do anything.

Also, like, your profile image is somebody sticking it at their gut, trying to make them look more fatter. Yeah, it's not even that fat. I know. Well, they're fatkin. Fat in my soul. They're fat in their soul. not even that fat. I know. Well, they're fatkin. Fat in my soul. They're fat in their soul. It's trans fat.

Not only could we play all of the video games we want and be lazy all time, but we could enjoy that pudgy belly around our midsections. I was shaking my pudgy belly at that. Could you hear that? Pudgy belly. Sounds good to me. The end. So, to recap, money from fat people pays food company employees.

Right. Money from fat people boosts the economy, but if everyone's fat, we can all play video games and be lazy all the time. Right, to benefit the economy. Yeah, to benefit the economy and all the employees who are also playing video games. One of the supporters of this is a teenage fatty who is a male 70 plus. What? How does that work? He has 608 experiences.

Isfahan. Yes, sir. Your name is one of Legion. And you want a woman to use you as a mop to clean her floors. Is that right? Yes. Would I? Nice.

What? All right. Why have I never met a man who wanted a woman to use a mop to clean the floors? Well, now you have. I think we have a love connection on our hands here. How would this work? I'm going to get in a fight in her and she will literally mop the floor with me. No. Okay.

Um, well, how it would work is a woman would just clean her floors as normal. I'd just take the place of her mop. A bit of modification and a standard mop head and I'd be quite effective at getting her mop. A bit of modification and a standard mop head, and I'd be quite effective at getting her flooring clean. Just a regular squeeze and rinse and some floor cleaner.

Scratch your hair, lazy. It most likely would be quite unpleasant for me, but you get what you A-ask for. And I'm sure she'd have fun with her living mop. Yeah, sounds terrific. I love the fetish things. They always think that the woman would somehow enjoy a living mop. Well, in this fantasy,

they're also into it. Well, women love to clean. You like that? Are you in? Are you in yet? Wait, me? Yes. Yeah? Are you good? I'm sure I would love to have fun. You know what? It sounds like you take more convincing. That's fine.

Because in addition to wanting a woman to use him as a mop to clean her floors, one of Legion is also looking for a woman to treat me as a garment. Will you tell us about that? It's fun, please. How hairy is this guy?

Washing, drying, starching, ironing, folding, even dry cleaning, hanging up in the wardrobe or forgotten at the back of a closet. Garments get repaired as well. Sewn, patched, lost buttons replaced, hemmed and altered, dyed, etc. Eventually garments get recycled into other garments or shredded for use as filling or rags. Did I just read a Wikipedia entry? There's nothing to suggest that somebody's getting hot over this. Where is this from? Is this from the Experience Project?

This is from the experience project. It's just off the line. Because this guy is just giving facts about clothes now. Maybe his fetish is plagiarizing from Wikipedia. Isfahan, one more from the same author. Okay. Look, I know that being put in a washing machine will inevitably kill me. You don't need to keep telling me over and over as if it's something I'm not for some reason aware of.

I'm picturing him, like, having this conversation with the reflection in the mirror. I'm aware that people need to breathe. Cannot survive scolding hot water. You should really get a job. Or massive g-forces, yes, massive g-forces of a washing machine. I nod under the illusion that I'll get out of the machine afterwards, say thank you to the woman, and go home and have a cup of tea. Actually, that's much more plausible than dying. Especially if you're into it.

I'm fully aware that washing machines are designed to wash clothing and other textiles. Why do you think I'm crazy? Nearly everything anybody does kills them. Maybe slowly, but still death is inevitable. So, the reason you should let me get in your washing machine is because life is futile.

Well, so he was saying, okay, I want a woman to use me as a mop. Might as well fucking end it all, because what the fuck is the point of my life? Can I crawl into your washing machine? Yeah, it's a new reprinting of No Exit with the Maytag Man on the cover.

I cannot wait to see this Werner Herzog film. Smoking kills you. Alcohol kills you. Drugs kill you, etc. I'll kill you after I go on my mop date. They may kill much slower than being stuffed in a washing machine's

drum, but still they kill. I am not in the least bit concerned about dying in a washing machine, semicolon. Honestly, I am not. It doesn't faze me at all. Sure, I believe you. The more you say it, the more I believe you. Yes. Who thinks the pervert doth protest too much?

Methinks the pervert doth protest too much. Boots, I remember that when we were looking at this a little earlier... It was crystals, yeah. You were saying that... You were telling me specifically that you fight for the astral resistance against powerful evil.

I remember you saying... I remember those words echoing in my head.'s not something you forget, really Yeah, it's I-F-F-T You know, anytime you sort of get along with me in a conversation, it kind of blurts out of my mouth I know, I'm sort of becoming a

broken record now, but I fight for the astral resistance against powerful evil Yeah, you do Tell me more yep crystals last summer i found a green crystallized rock it was polished and i found it i on a gravel pile near my apartment building so i pick it up and i took it home a week later i found another one it was smaller but also green i found it on the same spot as the one. A person I do a reading on the first stone. When I did, I had experience.

I'd rather not talk about it. Well, it's good that you showed up to experience project. It's not relevant to the conversation. But this post isn't about those crystals. It's about the two I found at the place I work. One is Quar's. I think polished, but thought it was strange, though I took it home. And last week on Thursday,

which was exactly a week after I found the quartz stone, I found another crystallized rock in this. However, it was much different. It had a lot of dark colors mixed in it, like brown and tan and a bit of red. It was polished as well. I took that home as well. Now I've been thinking about why I'm finding these crystals and why a week apart from the first

I think it is some sort of reason for it. I just don't know. What do you guys have any ideas? Are you a crow? The magpie. Oh, I'm sorry. Where's the powerful evil? And then I took all these quarters out of the car wash and I stuck them in my nest. I really think this is disappointing.

These are ancient Celtic silver coins. When does the evil happen? The evil doesn't happen because they fought it, dumbass. Yeah. They fight powerful evil by picking up pieces of broken beer bottles off of gravel piles.

Well, last summer, sometime after finding the green ones, I think I started looking in a river at a park for crystals, and I found that it was quite easy. I found quite a few quartz crystals, but I had to take a swim to the green ones, I think I started looking in a river at a park for crystals, and I found that it was quite easy. I found quite a few quartz crystals, but I had to take a swim to find bigger ones, and I found a few decent-sized ones. The biggest one I found still had a lot of rock coating on it, and I think if finding a way to remove the rest because it's fully crystallized just had the coating on it. Nowadays, collecting the crystals has become partly a hobby,

but I don't buy very many because I think of buying some more since I only have a few different ones, but my area cores is more common than other types of crystal. What the fuck? I'm thinking of doing research on crystal magic. Yeah, yeah, that will make you make more sense, I'm sure. Be sure to get a guitar. They like guitar.

Yeah, you gotta play the... I have a fairly large crystal that has gathered so much energy that it has become alive. Really? I also have a crystal that a black dragon calls home. Hmm. Okay. So, just FYI.

That sounds useful. Yep. I'm going to let you decide what the last piece you'd like to hear is. decide what the last piece you'd like to hear is. You can either hear I hate my parents or I love ladies with flat tires. Ladies with flat tires as in

like on their cars? Like is it the car stock? I'm going with the tires. Flat tires sounds like something I could masturbate to. Let's just go out with a bang. Okay, I love ladies with flat tires.

You need to really have Firebug enabled in order to hide the divs that will bring up an adult warning when you click on that. Worshipping my wife's feet while she has a flat tire. I have had two major fetishes

since I was young. One is for women's feet, and the other, more unusual one, is for watching women drive cars with flat tires. So, if she's driving the Flintstones car, you got the best of both worlds. Oh my god.

Well, those are pretty round, though. Yeah, but okay, she got a flat tire, and so she decided as an option to drive it Flintstones-style, then. Oh, that would be great! Yeah. I charge $5,000 per picture, by the way, guys.

I also like women with a 6-inch circumference waist. My wife loves my foot fetish and it has been a major part of our intimate life for as long as we have been together. However, I've never managed to combine my two pleasures until

the last few years. My wife will buy and wear shoes that she knows that I like just to get a reaction from me and it always works. I have kissed and smelled her feet on trains, in aeroplanes. Of course I'm British! What the fuck?

I knew immediately this guy was British! He spelled tire with a Y. Oh, sure, fair enough. In aeroplanes, in restaurants, and in public as well as at home, usually without anyone noticing, but with great effect for the two of us.

This rewrite of Green Eggs and Ham pisses me off. You said you wanted more words. You didn't say what the words had to be. Fuck you guys. This is going to be about butt shit. On one of the first occasions, my wife had to leave the house before me to go to work, so I laid back in bed watching her dress in a summer dress to just below the knee

and some unremarkable flat shoes which showed off the top of her feet, but not her fantastic soles and heels. When she came to say goodbye, I ran my hand up and down her leg and gently pushed off her shoe, and she smiled, swung her foot up and down her leg and gently pushed off her shoe. And she smiled, swung her foot up over the bed next to me and let me kiss and nuzzle it, whilst gently moving her hand under the bedclothes to find me.

As she started to gently stroke me, she asked me, would you like me to wear a different pair of shoes to work? Oh my god. He's living in a shittily written fetish story. Yeah, I'm starting to doubt this woman existing. And then she was a vampire and she had to go to the bathroom. I nodded.

Speech was a little difficult with a mouthful of big toe. And she went off to the wardrobe and found a pair of strappy sandals with a small heel that make her feet look fantastic. Put them on, waved her foot at me, and left for work. Like bye-bye with a foot? Yep. She just chopped it off and left it with him. I'm sure he would love that. Yeah, I'm sure he would be fine with that. This is my lucky woman's foot.

Spoil sport, I thought. Maybe we can carry that on later. As I awake, I got up and headed off downstairs for breakfast, looking out the window as my wife and her beautiful feet headed off to the garage to get in her car. I was going to be separate. Arm in arm? Yeah.

Oh, how I wish I was that gas pedal. As she backed the car out of the garage, I noticed that the driver's side front tire was almost flat and felt an immediate kick in my shorts that suggested I might want to explore this a little further. That was me kicking you in the junk to make you stop.

You know, I think this is how some people accidentally get fetishes, is because they already had kind of a boner going already and then something new happens and their brain associates that with the boner. And yeah, I think we're onto something here. I think you need to write a paper.

A science paper. A science paper, you say? Yes. That's my fetish. Every time I blow the fuse, I get a boner! So you would just walk around, you'd have a team of dudes with kind of boners walking around and just expose them to random stimuli. Right, right. I made an origami crane. Does that do anything for you? Oh, it does now. That's great.

Wanted. Wanted young men with half chub. In parentheses, it'll get weirder from there. That would not be hard to find in college. That's true. Anyway, I botched her back the car out of the drive in the nearly flat tire, enjoying it as the tire crumpled as she reversed

and thinking of her fantastic feet in those sandals. And I felt the thrill of pleasure as I understood that she hadn't realized about the deflated tire and was going to drive off to work. Sure enough, she drove off and I could hear the flattened tire thumping lightly on the road as she drove off. She couldn't hear it.

I could hear it. I could hear it a mile away. I could hear it a mile away. I have tire sense. There's also false dichotomy going on here because he thinks it's hot that she doesn't realize that the tire is flat. But, let's consider

the alternative. If she had gotten out and expressed frustration and he saw her down there expressing frustration that the tire was flat, he would have found that hot. Don't tell me how my boner works. Look, as long as there's feet, it's hot. She kicked the tire with that foot. Oh, God.

Then I heard it thump, thump, thump, and her car come limping around the corner with now a completely flat tire. She had managed a good three miles up the road before someone had pointed out the flat tire to her, and even though she was unaware of my thing for flat tires at this point, she had chosen to drive the car back home on the punctured tire. Because the only way you can tell if you're driving a car with a flat tire

is if somebody points it out to you. She's clearly an idiot. As she got out of the car, my eyes were drawn first to her feet. Yeah, we know. My eyes are up here. Which, against the totally drawn first to her feet. Yeah, we know. My eyes are up here. Which, against the totally flat tire, looked fantastic. And then to her breasts.

No, keep going. Stop. If we could just attach feet to her chest, that would be great. Her nipples were as hard as I'd ever seen them through her dress, and she had obviously taken her bra off since she had left the house. What? No, I think you're backfilling some of the details here. Why do I wear these? They're so uncomfortable.

On her way to work. That's what women do. Okay. Okay, all the men are gone. Time to take off the bras. do. Okay. Okay, all the men are gone. Time to take off the bras. I've got a

slightly flat tire, she told me with a hint of breathlessness. Did she say that from outside? Let's have a look, I said, and I knelt down, still in my sleeping shorts and t-shirt by the saggy tire. As I looked at the tire, which was completely flat, she slipped off her sandal and put her foot on my lap.

Caressing her foot and checking out the tire, I asked her how she got the puncture, and she said, I think I had it when I left, but I was enjoying how it felt, so I thought I would carry on driving. Wrong! Okay, yeah, this story never happened. No, it did! Why don't you believe

this? This troper once witnessed a... and then, like, a giant snake is gonna show up and eat her, and that's gonna be like, oh, what are witness to... And then, like, a giant snake is going to show up and eat her, and that's going to be like, oh, what are the odds? And then... At the end, both husband and wife are going to be squished by the Monty Python foot.

I looked at her, then the tire, then the foot, then the tire, then the foot, which was now flexing its toes through my shorts on my very enlarged manhood, and said, would you like me to change it? Hoping against hope that the answer might be no, I couldn't believe my ears when she said, no, I think we should drive to a garage and see if we can pump it up. Wait, what?

Okay, fetish number four? Five? He's just racking them up like? Okay, fetish number four? Five? He's just racking them up like Steve Chimps, buddy. Are you counting boobs? This guy's never going to orgasm again because all the fucking planets have to align in order for this to happen. Just to get a boner,

like a bird has to fly by and a fucking scramble soup can needs to roll down the street. It's a Jenga tower of paraphilias. Yes. Okay. Ooh, it's a waning gibbous. Here, quick.

Knowing that we live ten miles from the nearest garage with an airline, oh, that kind of airline, and that there is a foot pump in the garage, I realized that neither of us were going to make it to work on time that day.

I jumped into the car, and before we drove off, made sure that I bent down into the driver's footwell and kissed my wife's beautiful feet. And as she backed off the driveway for the second time, I felt myself getting harder and harder as I watched the feet, her swollen nipples, listen to the flat tire.

You could see her nipples? Oh, wait, wait. No, hang on. I should read that the way that it was intended. She backed off the driveway for the second time, felt myself getting harder and harder as I watched her feet, her swollen nipples, listen to the flat tire, and felt her

gently squeezing me. This is just... This is just the first part of the story, and there have been a few others since. If you would like me to carry on, just let me know! So, how did he... What happened?

Nobody let him know. He gets to work late, and the boss asks why he's late, and he tells this entire story to him? Well, you know, the details would be very important. He's just getting hotter and hotter as he's telling it to the boss. He's like halfway through, and the boss is like, oh, so you guys were fucking. He's like, no, we went to the garage.

Yeah. She had a flat tire, if you know what I mean. He what? Like a car. I mean, we had a flat tire. I'm fired, aren mean. You what? Like a car had a flat tire. I'm fired, aren't I? Yeah, that's cool. See ya. Too many problems, so why am I here? Need me because you're all too clear

And I can see there's something wrong with you What do you expect me to do? At least I've got enough And there we go, around about an hour of people telling us Are they Experience Project? Have they ever been experience projects? It's fine. What did you learn this week?

I learned that all the EN threads of the Internet have found their mothership. Sure, absolutely. You want to explain EN to the people that haven't been around the Internet for the last 20 years? You dang kids these days with your MP3s. It's not as common as you think. Okay, EN stands for everything nothing or everything slash nothing um the explanation there is it means everything to the writer nothing to the readers um correct and it's kind of it's kind of an encapsulation of the idea of

telling people stuff about yourself that uh they don't care about but that you care about and somehow um in the in the transfer of information, a connection is made or not, but you just have to vent. Yeah, and it's actually an unfortunate term to have fallen out of favor because it used to be kind of a tag or a forewarning or whatever, like, I'm going to write this thing. It probably doesn't mean shit to you, but it means something to me to write it. Fuck it.

So, you know, it's going to help me. Maybe it doesn't help you, but we'll see. And now it's just sort of the de facto way of doing things. Yeah, it's almost become a, for people who still use it, it's almost become a pejorative. Like, oh, this is an EN. I can tell. But really, we've seen this in other readings of people just kind of jumping in, saying something about themselves apropos of nothing.

But here, it's – but with those other sites, it's always been an underlying structure. But here, the structure actually seems to be that. Yeah, that's what they're looking for. Like, come on on tell us about yourself and nobody cares because unlike um a site from from way back in the in the archives daily strength daily strength was supposed to be it doesn't work but it's supposed to be a support support group like people that have kind of the same problem talking about their problem. But this doesn't even get that deep because it says, you know, like, this is me, the end.

Here's a story, or maybe not. There's that Me Too button. The Me Too button is never enough for people, of course. Big thanks to Daisy Mormont and Sinestro, both of whom provided terrific docs for us to read, and the episode tonight was a combination of the two of them. And speaking of

baseless narcissism, I wanted to take this moment to talk about social networks. And specifically F Plus's involvement in such. So we obviously, thefpl.us and balp.it, those are our sites.

But we are on basically every social network there is, except for Pinterest. We don't have a LinkedIn. But, you know, I mean, we've got, like, F Plus has a presence on Facebook and Google Plus, Twitter. I think that's it. We don't have we don't have a tumblr but there's a tag uh and i just wanted to very briefly explain how that works um uh the the facebook you know like it people have uh you know we've got somewhere in the 500 and something kind of fans which which is nice. The Google+, like, liking the site on Google+, like, I want to be honest. I want to be honest now.

This does not really mean anything because, like, it's another social network. I'm not going to update another social network. That will not happen. However, it's still a good idea to do it for one simple reason, which is that if you plus one a site, that actually helps with SEO, right? Because now if a number of people have plus one to the specific site, then it's ranked as relevant to people's interests, and therefore the SEO is better. You know what I'm saying? I'd hate to think who finds our content relevant to their interests. Sure. But what I'm saying is that if you do plus one on Google+,

I won't probably ever write updates for it, which we're going to consider positive, but I still would like you to do that. But the one thing that we have been doing lately is we've got the Twitter accounts on the side. And I know that both me and Boots have been trying to do tweets about teasers and kind of stuff like that. So if you were going to do one social network for F+, that would be the recommendation. Cool.

I just wanted to mention that because I know that it's confusing. But, you know, regardless, you know, the F plus and ball pit, that's really what it is. All right, that's it. Good night. Take care. What's the category for this one? Problem, problem, problem, problem. What's the category for this one? That's a great question.

It's the button right on the right of I am emo and goth. The category is me too? Yeah. No, it's not. Oh, is it? No, that's a button you can hit. Oh, wow. Can we all hit that?

I'll have to sign up. Yeah, I'm awesome. Go ahead, make an account so that you can say that you're emo and goth. Jimmy Franks is going to say Me Too to everything. I would have thought it would be awesome if all at once, within the space of like 30 seconds, she had five Me Too's. We game the system because it does it over time, so suddenly this shoots to the front of experience projects. Because there was like a 10,000% spike in me too's. Yeah, experience projects would be pissed because all of a sudden there would be stupid things on their front page.