The F Plus - 129: You May Now Fistbump the Spouse

Episode Date: February 26, 2014

As social mores have changed in the past century, the wedding has evolved dramatically. No longer is it a dogmatic ceremony of tradition, but it can be a celebration of love, community and family. Or it can simply be a fun party. Or, with the internet's help, it could just be another vain blog entry where you explain to a hostaged crowd what a special snowflake you are. This week, The F Plus can't stop laughing (our tongues turned blue!)

Our wedding toast started off with my commentary on how love, regardless of gender, sex, and preferences should be accepted, and how traditional this wedding was despite the fact that I'm happily bisexual and pagan, and Greg is a reformed Catholic and heteroflexible. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Tumblr wedding. Oh my god. Welcome to the F+. In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. Turn your wedding cake into a three-tier Rice Krispies treat. Jack Chick.

We shot the bouquet out of a trebuchet, and he rocked that Batman garter. Victor Laszlo. Have a shark as your ring bearer. Frank West We compromised by having a manly activity too And thus the henna and halo party was born And Lemon Hey you should use Facebook to shame your guests into RSVPing

You should You really should. Hey, F-Less. Hi, Lemon. How are you doing, Jack Chick, and nobody else? I'm good. I'm having an excellent day, Mr. Lemon. Thank you very much for asking. Well, now the rest of you are allowed to speak. Oh, good.

I was worried. So, tell me about this coming season. Are you visiting anybody? Do you got any plans? Any exciting things happening? Yeah, dude.

In April, I'm totally gonna go to Ragnarok or Metal Apocalypse. I knew that was coming. You asked. So I know that some of us on this podcast are married. Victor,

what theme did you elect to use in your wedding? Like, did you have, like, a, you know, a No More Heroes theme? Or what Suda51 game was referenced in your wedding vows, is what I'm asking. Oh, God, that was a long time ago. If you don't say Fire Pro Wrestling, I don't know if we can be friends. Like the NES pro wrestling. Like I did like the backbreaker on my wife, you know, instead of kissing the bride. There you go.

I just bent her backwards over my knee and then. That's nice. Well, you sound like the sort of fella that would be interested in offbeatbride.com. Offbeatbride.com has OffBeatBride.com has the slogan Alter Your Thinking. Alter. Alter. Why didn't I think of that?

Alter Your Thinking. I'm incredibly glad I didn't think of that. Alright, so we're going to be reading about the weddings of some of the people that have submitted their weddings to Offbeat Bride. And we're just going to have a good time with it and just really get ideas. You know, Jack Chick, I don't know if you get a special lady in your life, but maybe this will get things coming along for you.

Sound good? Yeah, I think that sounds like an excellent plan. All right, terrific. So, Boots, if you'll start us off, this is Allison and Chris's post-apocalyptic carnival 75 feet underground. Oh, good. Real Weddings Canada by Offbeat Editors. So the Offbeat Bride is who? Is Allison, who is a procedural wonk. Does that mean unemployed?

I don't understand what that means. Does the offbeat partner, I'm sure, has a... Oh yeah, it's Chris, the domestic overseer. That's unemployed. So you're both unemployed. I think someone should tell one of these two that one of them is going to have to work.

I'm pretty sure domestic overseers stopped being a valid job with the passage of the 13th Amendment, didn't it? Yes. Oh, wow. Oh, and they got married at the fucking Diefenbunker. Okay. Sure. Okay, so give me your offbeat wedding in a glance, would you please? Yeah, yeah, okay.

We're known for our costume making and themed parties, so our family and friends were expecting something pretty weird. Dreading. And we didn't want to disappoint. They weren't expecting something awesome. They were expecting something weird. I was really torn between doing a circus theme and a post-apocalyptic theme, so we decided to combine the best of both.

Okay, this is the best of both then. All right? Yes. Yeah. Hold it in a shelter. of both then, alright? Yes. Yeah. And hold it in a shelter. We're gonna eat dead elephants. And thus was born the Carnival After the End of the World theme. It included lots of bunting, midway games, and performers with references to Fallout,

Mad Max, Tank Girl, Borderlands, and many other movies, games, and comics that we love. Oh, for fuck's sakes. Those are pop culture things I've identified with. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Okay, I'm going to ask you the question that I'm sure everybody asks you when you start explaining your wedding.

Is there an open bar? An open bar with good beer was one of our top priorities. Our venue didn't have a bar, so we decided to build one out of plywood that would pack flat. That would flat pack. That doesn't make any sense either. So we can reuse it when we go to Burning Man. Of course. Yay!

We made all the beer and wine ourselves. Boy. It wound up going a little overboard. At the end of the night, we were giving guests bottles, sometimes cases of homebrew, to take home with them. I don't know why we got so much left over! There's a hundred guests

and we have twenty bottles, and for some reason we have some left. On top of the beer, wine, and full bar rail, we also made jello shots and strawberries. Oh, Jesus, you fucking children! They were all gone before we'd even finished the receiving line.

If I were presented with those options, I probably would have done the same. Why do they have Jell-O after the apocalypse? Does it stay around? Yes. Jell-O's good for all types. Get all the rads out of the water and you're fine.

Tell us about the ceremony, will you please? You don't want to know about the fire performances at sunset? No, that's enough information. You want to know about the vegan cupcakes? Okay. Anyway, Ontario has pretty strict rules about who's allowed to marry you and how it has to be done, so we decided to get all the

legal stuff done at City Hall the week before our wedding. Oh yeah, sure. This meant that we could get our friend to serve as officiant in the bunker, and we had total freedom to craft a ceremony that was perfect for us. Our whole wedding party marched into the ceremony, followed by Chris with his

parents, and I came in with my dad last, behind my mother and brothers. There was no standing just for the bride. What. There was no standing just for the bride. What? There was no standing just for the bride. Sure, right. As soon as the crowd saw the start of the parade, they were all on their feet. Oh, it's over!

When I got to the end of the aisle, Chris and I held hands. We stepped onto stage together. Our officiant slash carnival barker slash groomsman was awesome! I can't wait to see any just being efficient! That's not going to look good on my resume. This way I can put three separate jobs on my resume. Jack Chick, can you be our carnival barker?

Absolutely. We're all here this evening because we love these two people and have come to witness their pledges of commitment and to stand in solidarity of their marriage. This marriage that has been long in the making, hyphen, and making things is what Chris and Allison do best. They make costumes. They make beer.

They make furniture. They make art. They make memories. They don't make money. They make costumes. They make beer. They make furniture. They make art. They make memories. They don't make money. They make anything their creativity can imagine. But most importantly, they make each other happy. Oh, fucking... And that is all we can ever ask for in a partner.

The thing you found most annoying was the sentimentality of it. Keep going. It's just the contrast. Come on, Carnival Barker. Finish it up. As a community, we have come here together in the spirit of love and looking awesome. Fuck! Fucking.

Lol awesomeness. To show our support to you both and to send you off into the ether hand in hand on the great adventure before you oh and then I think we have a picture of uh the carnival barker directly below that

where he looks exactly like the mouth breather you would expect him to be yeah yeah yeah both bride and groom both have mohawks. Alright, tell me more about this wedding, please. We really wanted an element of crowd participation, but as an atheist, most ringwarming ceremonies and the like were too spiritual for my tastes.

Ringwarming ceremonies? Ringwarming ceremonies. Oh, sure, the typical Christian ringwarming ceremony. You wear it on your dick for a while. Wait, did you misspell ringworming ceremony? And that's when we gave each other our tapeworms.

Yeah. Instead, one of our brides dudes proposed a challenge. Wait, you don't like challenges? Come on. To the audience during his speech. He had everyone focus on coming up with a word to describe us and then asked our guest to share the word with us through the reception booth photo,

which we had instead of a guest book. The results were both touching and hilarious. And the only photo that the site uses is somebody in a sarong that wrote, not that sober, which... Yeah, and using the sign to mostly hide her face. In shame. Which I'm sure that there were other words that were used to describe the couple.

When you guys exchanged rings with each other, I think I remember there being a sign in front of you when you were exchanging rings. What did the sign say? I can't remember. Yeah, it said, either it said Megatons of Love or Megatons of Slove.

Maybe it says Megatons of Glove. There are a lot of gloves in that room. Some asshole in a wheelchair was covering up the first letter. Okay, so then you exchanged your vows, and then what happened? The officiant declared, By the power of Grayskull, I now pronounce you married. Hey, wait, I thought I was the officiant. See, the thing I'm actually getting most frustrated with is just, like, fucking pick a thing at this point.

Yeah, totally. But we like everything. Their relationship is way too close to just have one thing. It's true. Yeah, the efficient had declared, By the power of Grayskkull I now pronounce you married and we high fived before kissing running down the aisle while

bubble machines blasted behind us and our guests fired a volley of nerf ammo in our direction wait a minute this is a nerf gun shit a lot of them had already run out of bullets trying to shoot themselves. Also, Securitron, Plants vs. Zombies, a bunch of teaspoons, aluminum can flowers.

A remote-controlled helicopter. That one's not a joke. An entire table filled with Nuka-Cola. Our rings were 3D printed. Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. Our rings were 3D printed We also had a magician slash balloon guy A bunch of people wore

Utila kilts They always wear Utila kilts That wasn't funny Would you skip down back to the sentence that starts They also let us They also let us make the washrooms gender neutral for the night

Especially important Since 1960s era Bunker was never designed for many female occupants It also Helped work out ways To accommodate our mobility impaired guests Amazingly they even brought out Mannequins

Which I hope is not a thing Intentionally spelled wrong mobility-impaired guests. Amazingly, they even brought out mannequins, which I hope is not a thing intentionally spelled wrong. I just don't know how to spell mannequins. Oh, it's a thing. I think it's CPR dolls? Yeah, it's for medical practice. Dressed to survive the apocalypse

to help with the ambience. I don't think CPR dolls need to survive the apocalypse. Pretty sure that they'll be fine. You know, plastic melts lemon. Oh, that's true. For more information on the Diefenbunker, check out Wikipedia.

So, neither of you are employed. This fighting looks fucking expensive. No, because they made everything, remember? Because they're makers. Oh, sure, sure. They don't have time for a job because they're making special experiences like this. It's just such a hodgepodge. It's like fire twirlers.

There's a cowboy bebop drawing in here. It's just like fucking... It's so much nerd ADD. Yeah, well, Lemon, you're a barefoot librarian. Oh, good. I wanted to be a barefoot librarian. Oh, good. I wanted to be a barefoot librarian. Alright. Hey, what an amazing and creative wedding! The bride's dress is both funky and feminine, and the wedding

party inventing you capture the post-apocalyptic carnival vibe perfectly. You know, the thing we're always trying to capture. Sometimes it's difficult. A plus for creativity and execution. All right.

Well, let's leave Ontario and let's move to San Francisco. All right. Jackety Chick. Hello. You're going to tell us about Megan and Jason's Twin Peaks wedding. Oh, well, I assume that they just got married on Twin Peaks, which is a pair of mountains in the city. That's probably the case.

Oh, it's not in Christian Shaw. I bet it's not going to make any sense. It is not in Christian Shaw. It really is. Holy shit. Oh, what an irritating child that would be.

Yeah, so I'm... I was really hoping that one of them would be the log lady and the other would be the man from another place, but oh well. Okay, do you guys want to hear about the bride and groom first? Sure, whatever. All right, so the offbeat bride is Megan, who works in digital marketing. Yep. Yes, San Francisco.

We, yes. Her offbeat partner, Jason, is a quality assurance tester. Okay. Date and location of the wedding, San Francisco, California, in the Presidio, which is nowhere near Twin Peaks at all, which is a legitimate location in the city, on September 29th of 2013. Our offbeat wedding at a glance. Our

wedding was a Twin Peaks-themed wedding. Yep, the crazy David Lynch TV series. Our favors were double our diner coffee cups, donuts, and a candy box that looked like Dale Cooper's Sony tape recorder. We even had two photo booths with the Black Lodge and Miss Twin Peaks backdrop.

Okay. Tell us about the ceremony. Sure. Our officiant, Celia, who was also our planner, made sure to include both traditional aspects as well as Twin Peaks quotes from the TV show and our ceremony. Here is an excerpt from our ceremony.

As you may know, the theme for this wedding is the movie and popular TV show, Twin Peaks. You know it's a super successful theme if we have to announce it. And everybody in the audience just goes, uh...

Guys, Twin Peaks, right? Well, and so to reinforce that then, right? One of the main characters is a crazy log lady. To quote her... I wouldn't say main. Said something just perfect for Megan and Jason. It's like a pitch meeting. My log knows what you did.

Really, the marketing professional made a whole bunch of shit that looks like a fucking pitch meeting. You don't say. She was actually reading this off of a PowerPoint. The beautiful thing about treasure is that it exists. It exists to be found.

How beautiful it is to find treasure. Where is the treasure that when found leaves one externally happy? I think we all know it exists. Some say it is inside us. Inside us one and all. That would be strange.

It would be so near. Then why is it so hard to find and so difficult to attain? The treasure that we speak of now is the bond of love that Megan and Jason are sharing with us today. Their treasure, their love, ellipsis,

it marks the beginning of a new era for them. Although tomorrow they may wake up feeling the same as always, Does this bullshit make sense if it's backward masked? That was unending. It didn't say anything. The concise version. These two people like each other a lot. Hey, F+, you want to make a guess here? I just searched the site for the word hand fasting.

How many results did I come up with? Two billion. No. 72. Eight pages. 3,850 results. Wow. What about ring warming?

Ring warming. We're just going to do... Oh, you know, I'm sure that we could just do an entire episode of offbeat bride hand fasting but we're just gonna do one this is Marianne and Larry's big fat pagan hand fasting and as far as

pagan hand fasting goes not as fat as I expected anyway yeah I can link the page that's from Anyway Yeah, I can link the page that's from I think we should look at it Oh my god Wait Oh man

Oh my god It's pretty great Alright Give me a moment. Give me a moment. Oh my god. So there's a whole bunch of hand-fasting weddings that are there, and of course we could read

any of them and they would be terrific. However, Frank West has just found Megan and Jeremiah's video games at a barn wedding. Oh my god! Oh my god! The first fucking sentence of the wedding at a glance! Uh, so Frank West, if you'll tell us about the

video game in a barn wedding. Oh my god, I can't. Oh, Jesus. Okay. The offbeat bride is Megan, and her offbeat partner is Jeremiah. There is text above the text that you're reading, sir.

Oh, that's from the website itself, but we can do that. When we feature both weddings with barns and tentacle posts, it can only mean it's barnacle week. Today we've got a video game loving couple with butt-grabbing vows. Their vows make me grab

my butt? Yes. They make you grab other people's butts. Anyway, so I like that in this case, in every other case, it's listed like bride and groom professions. These people were smart enough

to just leave that part off. They're not even putting that in there. They're not putting last names, anything. Our offbeat wedding at a glance. My husband and I met playing Gears of War. In fact, he proposed to me on the day the third game came out.

Wow. Now this really is the best day of my life. Clearly, we loved how we met and wanted to celebrate it. Our tables were named after comic book characters, we had Zelda and Link cake toppers, and we cut our kink with a replica gun from Gears of War 3. Fucking God. Our ceremony paid homage to our love of science, zombies,

and me squeezing Jeremiah's butt in public. Fucking, of course, motherfucking zombies. God fucking Christ. It paid homage to you squeezing a butt? Yes. All right. You should see her squeeze a butt, man. It's really something. I really want the cake to just be like a picture

of a hand squeezing a butt, like sculpted in 3D. Tell me what your... So there's a bunch of photos. Tell me I didn't guess right. There's a bunch of photos. Tell me what your rings look like. Like shit!

I can't... Our rings look like the cogs... Giant metal cogs from Gears of War, apparently. Yeah. But the rings are sitting on a Minecraft dirt block. Yes. Of course. Tell us about the ceremony, please.

Jeremiah and I are both atheists. Despite our disbelief, we understand that our families have different opinions. It was important to stay true to ourselves, but also to make our guests feel comfortable. You didn't do that. They did not feel comfortable. No. So we made sure to fill a barn with a bunch of

video games, because that's what families love. Now I'm not disappointed in you. Also, I gotta like, this is a weird, like, kind of trope that exists throughout this site. It's like, you know, as a practicing atheist, like, we couldn't exchange weddings. That would belie our atheist tradition. What the fuck?

Then not God would know that we did not believe in him. I don't understand. I exchanged vows. Did I do something wrong? Am I going to atheist hell? Wait, wait, wait, wait. How do you practice atheism? I try to be really good at it.

Oh God, who I do not believe in. You know, just like an hour a day. Just work on those atheist muscles. What we're doing right now is how you practice atheism if Frank West let's move down to your biggest challenge my biggest challenge our biggest challenge I was

okay I was really shocked at how adversely my family reacted when I told everybody I didn't want kids at the wedding a lot of but your wedding is childish. You're having videos. They make a good point.

Hint, hint. This is on the first sentence. But your wedding is childish, Perk. We didn't want kids at the wedding, so we didn't show up. Keep going. I ended up relenting.

It wasn't worth the stress. The kids who came had a great time. I tried to roll with any changes, which became hard when money we thought we were receiving didn't come through. With a little financial maneuvering, Jeremiah and I were able to cover it with help from my mom and stepdad as well as my grandparents. Jesus fucking Christ. Mom, we don't have enough money to get to rent out three Wiis. We need it. Can we borrow some cash?

Bullshit! You're pretending like they don't have three Wiis in their house. No, no, no. These are clearly Xbox gamers. I cannot even believe you guys are talking about this. This photo will disagree. There's an Xbox and a Wii sitting right next to each other. I don't actually know what any Wii system is. Do you think a

loyal Xbox couple would deign to have a Wii in their house? You don't understand what it's like to be a gamer. What was your funniest moment? My funniest moment. Jeremiah and I wrote our vows together. The morning of the wedding, I was rewriting my vows onto index cards and realized something was missing.

I added the line, I love you because on when I grab your butt cheeks in public, you pretend to be disgruntled, but I know you're really into it. Startled not only the attendees, but also Jeremiah, who turned a bright shade of red. We're so shocking. We're transgressive! Oh, grabbing butts! I know, right? How insane! Also, disgruntles. Good use there. Oh my god, is that an entire fucking, like, glass jar full of gumballs?

Yes. In between two lollipop stands. And then Offbeat Bride, being the site that just keeps giving, is like, hey, would you like to see a bunch of photos of these nerds dancing? Yes, Offbeat Bride, I really would, and thank you. Okay. Next up, we have... Oh, it's Aaron and Shane's mustachioed octopus and beer-a-cone Irish Texas wedding. Beer-a-corn.

So this is the world's first Mad Libs wedding, right? Yeah. So here's a photo of the bride and groom. They look like they were drawn by Mad Magazine. If I fold this in, will it look like ordinary people? All right. Victor. Victor, tell us about Aaron and Shane's mustachioed octopus and beericorn.

Irish Texas. It just rolls off the tongue. It is so offbeat. The offbeat bride is Aaron. She's a teacher and sign language interpreter. And give it up for her offbeat partner, Shane, a job coach and photographer. Job coach. They're both unemployed. He's unemployed.

They apparently got married at both Casa de Rio Colores in Texas and the Cliffs of Moher in County Clare, Ireland. Okay. Same time? Okay. On the same day, too. Yeah. They've actually never met in person.

This is just clever photoshopping. Yeah. Mustachioed octopus, beer corn, and Skype wedding. Want to come to Skype in a barn? Please, they use TeamSpeak. Okay. Well, originally when we got engaged, we were planning a destination wedding with our

family followed by a party slash reception back in texas we decided on a trip to england scotland wales and ireland after the fact i started researching the logistics of getting officially married overseas and oh my goodness what a nightmare nightmare. At the time, I started realizing I wanted friends and extended family to be more involved in our wedding. Slowly, the destination wedding became a family vacation with a faux ceremony on the Cliffs Mower, a.k.a. the Cliffs of Insanity from the Princess Bride in Ireland. No, no, it's actually not called that.

That's just what they called it. The movie isn't real. The real world is real. Movies aren't real. Hey, everyone on Offbeat Ride, movies aren't real. Well, shit, we have to take half these weddings off right away. Oh, my goodness. All of Shane's dudes worked on growing mustaches for the ceremony,

some more successfully than others. I sewed my bride's lady need clutches? What? Uh... Oh, yeah, all the bridesmaids are wearing mustache patterns. Yes. Sweet. Fantastic. mustache patterns.

Yes. Oh, are you really with the Shane and I are combining our last names and the logo turned into a brand for the wedding. Your wedding is a brand. Oh, right. It was on the ass of the beer, a corn on the cups and koozies on the programs on the arms of the sunglasses,

et cetera. Inside each clutch was an engraved feloc, the combination of our last names, flask with the date on them. Okay, I take what I said back. For some reason, the dudes' flasks had the correct year, but the ladies' had 2014

engraved on them. We all took it to mean we need to have an annual anniversary shindig so they could commemorate next year's party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever one wants is more of that. Hey, why didn't anybody come to the wedding anniversary shindig? What? Oh. You guys didn't grow your mustaches

back out. I fucking hate it. Oh my goodness. What was your funniest moment? One of the first purchases for the wedding was a life-sized hollow horse. My mom called me one day and said, So you mentioned you wanted a unicorn that could dispense beer when you pull its horn? Well, I think I found the perfect horse to transform.

Your mom is used to statements like, I want a unicorn that dispenses beer. Well, to be fair... She's heard that your entire life. I think you said that way too often. So, you wanted a horse that's hollow you can dispense beer? I mean, I've only just heard of that and I want one. Is he drinking out of the ass on...

Yeah. Yes, okay, yeah, she mentioned that. Oh my god. Alright, I want to tell you about Beth and Garrett's nerdy boozy musical kickballer wedding. I want to tell you about Beth and Garrett's nerdy, boozy, musical kickballer wedding. Is this a cockball torture? CBT. So yeah, Beth and Garrett's nerdy, boozy, musical kickballer wedding. The offbeat bride is Beth, the photographer and graphic designer and tribesmaid.

What? Your guess is as good as mine. What? There's a link. Hello, link I'm clicking. Oh, it's a protected page. You can't see it. Fuck.

The offbeat partner is Garrett, a GIS mapping guru. Guru. He's a guru. That's the job description, because, you know, one day he'll get promoted to ninja, but until then he's ninja. He's a guru because he's in Portland.

Yeah, the location is a farm in... No, come on, guys. When you really think about it, gurus get promoted to being evangelists, not ninjas. Yeah, no, you're actually... That's true. That's true what you just said. All right, here we go Our offbeat wedding at a glance Beer was a major theme of the day

And our guests sat on picnic blankets in the forest Which was decorated with hops vines Our flower girl tossed or chucked violently at guests' heads Hops cones, which are used in making beer We made the table decor And boutonnieres with beer ingredients too We had happy hour And a trail mix bar. A trail mix bar?

A trail mix bar! Oh, you can make trail mix however you like! How exciting! It's still just going to be mostly peanuts and raisins. Fuck you. I'm putting banana chips and sesame sticks in mine. I'm putting banana chips and sesame sticks in mine. So by the time our Elvis officiant came down the aisle,

people were liquored up and cheering. I feel like getting an Elvis officiant in the standard of Offbeat Bride is pretty fucking mainstream. You know? I think they would make fun of her. Christ, why not just hire a priest? Yeah, exactly. I want to get it. I wish I had Extreme Elvis at my wedding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a reference. That's a reference that you get. Nobody will get that reference. I'm hoping somebody out there will actually just Google Extreme Elvis. Extreme Elvis. And just learn what I'm talking about because it's amazing. It's going to be...

I'm pretty disappointed. This is the only off-beat ride that actually had a trail mix bar. So it's a lot of photos of mutton chops, and then everyone's grabbing butts. And we're major tech nerds. We wanted to film our own invention, invitation. We wanted to film our own invitation. That's fun. Even though we shared almost all of the wedding information

exclusively online. Oh, good! As well as had high tech interactive aspects of our outdoor wedding, and we had a strictly unplugged ceremony. Here's the invitation. It's a three minutes of Vimeo.

Go ahead. At your peril. Then some more mutton chops and some fat people running around. Pictures of the trail mix bar. I don't know how you're passing over this shit. The trail mix bar is really underwhelming. You got your Cheez-Its.

You got your M&M's. Who puts scotch mints in trail mix? Fucking people who are dedicated, motherfucker. Maybe they're yogurt raisins. I take that back. Yeah, I think they're probably yogurt raisins. People could inherit badges by participating in different events. And we had camp counselors walking around handing out badges and answering questions.

Achievements unlocked! Totally. You need to buy the Beth and Garrett's Wedding DLC. They're really completely serious. I'm sorry, access to the bar is only after you buy the DLC. They can also

refer to their illustrated Camp Epic Wedding Survival Guide. Camp Epic Wedding. Camp Epic Wedding. All right, great. We made barley wine because fucking we hate drinking. I like barley wine. Fuck you.

Ew, gross. We made barley wine... That's because you hate drinking. Yeah, clearly. Which was part of the ceremony and handed out a wedding-themed home-brewed IPA along with commemorative koozies.

Koozies are really in this. Yeah. I'll be proud. When we first started dating years ago, our friend made a joke about us saving money by dressing as Elvis and marrying us so we didn't have to fly all the way to Vegas. We held her to that. Yeah, you saved a bunch of money here, didn't you? Mm-hmm. What a cheapo wedding.

So I came down to the aisle to the Imperial March played on violin. For fuck's sakes! And cried from that moment all the way through the kiss. Oh my god, Star Wars is so beautiful! I just, I get choked up every time I see Yoda.

My husband is basically a pair of mutton chops with a face hidden behind it. Elvis talked about the importance, the mutton chops on the husband are bigger than the mutton chops on fake Elvis. Scroll down to Garrett and I decided.

Okay, Garrett and I decided we get our rings tattooed later. Yay, good decisions. Every missed opportunity is taken in here. Live tattooing at the wedding? That's great. Why not? Are you saying coloring on each other with a marker is not great? I'm saying that's slightly lesser performance.

I'm somewhat surprised that didn't happen. No, it did. It did happen. Yeah, you didn't let me get to the rest of my sentence. So we get our rings tattooed later, so we settle on drawing Sharpie marker versions of the rings on each other in place of an actual ring exchange. Garrett's vows were a few funny little stories about us.

And mine were about all the things I couldn't promise him. Whoa! But how the desire to want to be able to is pretty damn romantic. I can't promise you that I will actually lose weight and be a healthy body weight.

But I want to want to be able to. Please note, the F plus does not condone body weightism. I don't know what kind of superheroes those people are, the ones who can swear undying love for all eternity. Though, if they can even promise eternity, maybe they're actually Asgardian gods or Time Lords or vampires. Maybe. Do you want to hear my vows? No. No.

No. I do. Let me put this gun to your temple. Do you want to hear my vows? Not anymore. That's a Nerf gun. I'm on to you. Okay, here's my vows.

Believe it or not, I'm only human, and human nature makes it impossible to keep all of the promises of perfect intentions. I can't swear an undying love that will outlast eternity, but I can promise for as long as we are together on Earth, you'll know how much I love and respect you. I don't love and respect you at all. This is something a shallow person says to sound deep. This is some actually literally

passive-aggressive bullshit. Like, it's like, you'll know how much I love and respect you. We'll make it clear. It sort of sounds like the key to all of these weddings is to open the bar before the wedding. And then it sort of sounds like the key to all of these weddings is to open the bar before the wedding. And then it kind of sounds

like everybody has a good time no matter what stupid bullshit you do. Well, of course! You know, like, you want gimmicks in your wedding? That's fine! That's fine, that's fine, but these gimmicks are so serious and so elaborate that that's not... That's antecedent. Right, but everybody

has a good time because they got hammered the second they got there. Well, I'm hoping, I'm hoping that, like, that Offbeat Bride would say, number one, open bar. So, as long as Offbeat Bride is actually saying that as advice, I think that, you know, they're doing some service to the world.

Frank West, can you be Carrie in the comments? Can I point out that they also made sure to show off who their socks were by? Yeah. They gave credit to the sock provider. Wow. Now, because I have no shame, I have purchased from this sock provider before, and I have been impressed with the quality of their work.

But Jesus fucking Christ! Well, where's your Flickr gallery of sock photos? Yeah, no, fuck you. You don with the quality of their work. But Jesus fucking Christ! Well, where's your flicker gallery of sock photos? Yeah, no, fuck you. You don't get access to it anymore because you made fun of me. I hope you have socks that say bride on them. That's awesome. The bride kind of looks like what would happen

if instead of chainsaws, Wendy O. Williams discovered a love of cake. That was a joke for me. That was a joke for me. That was a joke for you. Alright. Okay. So I'm carrying the comments.

This wedding is so full of win, I can't even stand it. I love the bride's admittance that she cried through the entire ceremony. She literally never stopped crying. So endearing. I thought I was bad crying for my entire walk down the aisle.

I just love tears at a wedding. All that emotion bubbling to the surface, it's precious. It certainly is. I also love all the guests playing kickball. Beers in hand. That's the only way to play kickball, right? Yeah, what the fuck? Who has ever played kickball without a... I guess six-year-olds.

Six-year-olds don't play kickball with beer. Six-year-olds are mostly the people who play kickball. Right, right. But if you're old enough to drink and you're playing kickball, you are drinking while playing kickball. Alright, so we're gonna leave... That was Portland? Was that right? Yeah.

Oh, boy. Farewell, Portland. Oh, boy. Boots, tell me about the wedding that you want to talk about here. Oh, I saw that one, too. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I'm going to use the word gamer, but it's spelled with a Y.

And this is Dean and Matt's classy gamers crash at a gastropub wedding. Classy? Alright, good. That's great. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. To be fair, that picture looks fairly classy. It does, it does. Well, one's handsome, and the other one probably is nice. But they look like they could pass for regular people without...

One of them looks like Jeff Winger from Community, and the other one looks like Mr. Bean. Dean's an attorney. Matt is a data architect. And where did you get this wedding done? At the Rebar in New York City. Oh, I've been there. It's a nice place. Great. Sure. Maddie and I spent our early

dating days about 90 minutes apart playing the StarCraft 2 beta. Boy! Wow, I was with you for minutes on this time. Once we were engaged, we knew we wanted to have a video game wedding. Figuring out how to do that

without recreating a seven-year-old's birthday party involved near-constant re-evaluating, but I absolutely love what we came up with. Why did you let that stop you? Haven't you looked at any of the other fucking weddings here? So the RSVP letter, the options are for yes, has assumed the party escort position,

or no, is looking for the princess in another castle. Oh my god. To incorporate our theme, we started with a save the dates and invites that had slight references, a one-up mushroom instead of a flower, and cake and grief counseling would be available at the conclusion of the wedding, from Portal.

Following the reception to follow language. Can I just write in the third checkmark, no longer wishes to be your friend? I like that, like, by gamer media standards, like, that the word subtle ends up

being, you know? I mean, like, you know, Retro City Rampage makes like 10,000 obvious gamer references in the first 10 minutes. So, by contrast, this is very subtle. This is the classiest

of all the video game weddings on the site. Some poor cake maker had to recreate World 1-1 on this stupid cake. Oh my fucking god. Well, they basically just made a chocolate cake and put stickers on it. No, I think those are actually...

Oh, it's Fondant! Yeah, it's Fondant! It's F... Oh, it's Fondant. Yeah, it's Fondant. Fondant. It's Fondant. Fondant. For food and drink, we had two specialty cocktails, a health potion, gin and tonic, splash of Grand Marnier, splash of bitters,

and a mana potion, sidecar with blue curacao. How do you pronounce that? Curacao. Curacao, yeah. Sidecar with blue curacao. I'm sorry, I thought you were from Canada. You should know how to speak French. No.

Designed by a dear friend and mad scientist mixologist. Oh, the mad scientist mixologist who put bitters in a gin and tonic. You madman! And Grand Marnier. Come on now. Somebody leash that motherfucker. Along with the Mario 1-1 cake,

we had a Plants vs. Zombies cupcake toppers. During the pre-ceremony ceremony and cocktail hour, we had video game music playing. The one-ups are a funky, jazzy band that does some great covers-m. Covers-m. Covers-m. Covers-m. Covers-m. Coversome. Coversome. Coversome. Coversome.

Coversome. Perfect for a classy feel. Classy feel. Classy feel. While sneaking in your nerdiness. Yeah, we're really sneaking in our nerdiness with a band called The One-Ups. Where are the fedoras in that picture of the group? Come on, they're being classic.

That's what I'm saying. Please, it's a wedding. We take our fedoras off when we go indoors. Keep going. Sorry, old friends would occasionally shout, Holy cow, is that the theme of Mega Man 3? Holy shit! Is this band who plays video game music

playing video game music? Alright. We have one friend who just sometimes shouts out the words, Video games! I'm awake! Anyway, we walked into Phantom Fantasy 13 and walked out to Chrono Trigger.

But truth be told, I was so nervous I couldn't concentrate on the music while I was walking out. Our photo booth was filled with hats from various video games, Link's cap, Mega Man, and Dovahkiin's helmet, a Metroid, a mushroom, along with some famous gaming mustaches. Oh my... What?

What? You know, all the famous gaming mustaches. Mario and Luigi. Mustaches. Oh, my... What? What? All the famous gaming mustaches. Famous gaming mustaches. Mario and Luigi. I have a Mario mustache, you idiot! What else did you have at your wedding? Yeah, we had achievements! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Sat through this bullshit 1,000 gamer score. I'd just like to remind you of the thing I said earlier where we're constantly re-evaluating to make sure that it didn't sound like a 7-year-old's birthday party. To be fair, 17-year-olds don't rigidly structure their fun. I meant to say 7-year-old.

See, so what they did, actually, was they had the wedding, and then they had the wedding on challenge mode afterwards, where they did the same thing. New wedding plus. Now the real hardcore people are going to want to do this on Xbox. Keep going. Oh, wait, no, never mind. You had achievements. Fuck it.

I give up You know what's happening there Okay Holy shit they have a link to their website Yes they do Our biggest challenge was the theme How are we supposed to keep this from drifting Out of the realm of wedding

And how can we keep from alienating guests who are gamers? How did you accomplish that? In terms of visual displays, I quickly discovered some of the great things about games. The vibrancy, so many colors, such wow graphics. Or sorry, wow such graphics. Wait, you missed the part where they mentioned they have a 20-hour role-playing game. Whoa! Did I miss that?

You skipped right over that. Oh, my God. Oh, oh. Last but not... Sorry, going back up. Last but not least, our entire website is video game themed. Everyone at the wedding party got a bio from a different game, and The Crown Jewel is a 20-hour role-playing game in the style of

Final Fantasy VI, in which the wedding party must come together to save Dean and Matt from an evil corporation, or else the wedding is ruined. That took the better part of a year. I don't think anyone played it, but it was fun to make. I think more people now are going to play it

than the people who went to the wedding. Guys, my video game, they just can't seem to find an audience. Why don't we have a wedding and then force everyone to play our video game? Everybody comes to the video game, Oh, did you play my game? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sure did. Yeah. The good guy one, right? I bet either Montreth or Runic will play it. Montreth, Runic, you're going to want to go to deanandmatt.com slash rpg.html. All right. Dot com slash RPG dot HTML. All right.

So we could, we really could go on a very long time on this. We really could. Cheapskate provided us with a lot of material. If we wanted to make this a three-hour podcast, we could do that. So we're going to have to choose what you want here. So I'll give you two options. Kitten, Brynn, and Doll's Rainbow Garden of Polly Love 3 Bride Wedding. The other one. No, I'm wondering how we're going to get better than that.

Holy shit. Or Bethany and Sean's Geeky Retro Aviation Museum Wedding. Oh, we gotta go with the first one, man. The other one sounds like just another dumb nerd wedding. I reluctantly agree. Alright.

Victor, if you'll take us through Kitten, Brin, and Doll's Rainbow Garden of Polly Love Three bride wedding. Yay! Are we sure that the title wasn't made by a spam bot? The wedding photo looks like a glossy manic panic ad. Right, well the offbeat bride is Kitten, who's a fashion manager, and her offbeat partners is Kitten, who's a fashion manager.

And her offbeat partners are Brynn, a computer programmer, and Dahl, a fashion designer. So you all just, like, make Suicide Girls videos, right? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Also, how do you decide which one's the bride and which ones are the partners? I'm sure there's a dominant... The one who's writing up the thing. Combat. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Well, our wedding had to include meaning for all three of us brides in our polyamorous wedding. We didn't want to spend a fortune, but all definitely wanted rings we would cherish forever. So we went to Nahoku, where I'm sure Jack Chick has also been, and picked out Tanzanite rings together. We found all our gowns in the clearance section of David's Bridal and added our own bursts of personality.

Re-color to our traditional white dresses. But they're all white dresses. They colored their hair. Oh, okay. Because there's nothing that says personality like coloring your hair. Sure, sure. We decided not to have a dinner reception,

but rather a selection of fruits and cream due to the number of allergies in our guest list. Oh. Fuck. What? Somebody died of a strawberry allergy. What? The guest list itself was another interesting project.

With three brides and Kitten's family being huge, we set a firm number based on what we could afford, and each of us invited within one-third of that number. Recognizing that your invitations for a lesbian polyamory wedding

is going to have a very high attrition rate. Right. For every hundred weddings you send out, you're going to get 15 RSVPs? So once we had RSVPs in hand, we used the number of declines as an opportunity to invite those we wanted there but did not have room for originally. There you go. Ah, good. Okay, thinking ahead.

Good job. Yeah, yeah. Most of these people won't want to. You got to give them an A for planning. Yeah, yeah. Most of these people won't want to... You got to give them an A for planning. Yeah, yeah. No, that was smart. That was the smartest thing you've done so far. We are not reading those vows.

That is long. Yes, yeah, that's not happening. Hey, what was your biggest challenge? Well, we come from very mixed backgrounds. Kitten was raised Christian but is now pagan. Doll is also a pagan. And Brynn is agnostic. Oh, sure. Okay.

So one huge challenge was creating a ceremony that included all the beliefs of each bride. I mean, two pagans and an agnostic. How do you mix that together? Pagan, pagan, and I don't give a shit. Yeah. It was really hard, man. So what we decided was to all wear white wedding dresses and hold hands.

What was your funniest moment? Our funniest moment? Oh, this is, oh, just as I even think about it. It's going to make me smile, I bet. When we designed our cake, we wanted a burst of rainbow color inside our otherwise traditional cake. As we fed each other a bite, Kitten noticed Brynn's tongue was blue! She started laughing

and pointing. We all stuck out our tongues to reveal matching blue tongues. Apparently the mocha frosting inside was dyed blue with food coloring, staining everything it touched. So this was a fucking blast of a wedding. That was the funniest thing that happened.

That was the funniest thing that happened in an entire wedding. I mean... I had blue food and I had a blue tongue. You're so upbeat. You're fun. Oh my god! Oh my god!

Lemon, can you please read the comment from Emerald Girl in the comments? God, yes. Beautiful post. Congrats, ladies. But really, OBB, you couldn't change the form to say offbeat partners for this poly post? I'm sort of disappointed. Okay.

Now, Frank West, I want you to read Epiphany's comment. Let me just say, I would love to be the meat in that triple-decker sandwich. Gorgeous bride. Ooh. You'd have to be some other meat as well for that to be a proper triple-decker sandwich. I would love to be the slice of cheese in that triple-decker sandwich. Would you rather be the upper meat or the lower meat? I'd love to be the toothpick with an olive on it going through that triple-decker sandwich.

Oh, Kitten's in the comments, too. She commented on her own wedding. Of course, of course. I mean, they're submitting their own wedding details to a website. So, yes, they are absolutely commenting on it afterwards. Hello, I am one of the brides from this wedding. First of all, thank you so much to all your kind comments.

To answer your questions, we had a legal marriage between Bren and myself, as I would need the insurance to carry the babies. Fingers crossed for me on that BTW pregnancy test this Tuesday. Doll, who doesn't believe so much in legal marriage anyway, was hand-fasted to us both.

Yay! I don't want to go for that hippie bullshit. I want to go for nice traditional hand-fasting. Alright, do we think we can do one more? I can. I'm going to give you another choice. Cheapskate's a good guy. He

over-provided, so we really have a lot of options. I'm going to give you another choice. Cheapskate's a good guy. He overprovided, so we really have a lot of options. I'm going to give you, oh, I think I can give you a three. We're going to throw out Chris and Chris's Scottish picnic wedding in the Redwoods. Just throw that one away. Also, we're going to throw away Jennifer and Brian's vintage Halloween-infused October wedding. Halloween-infused October wedding. Halloween-infused? All of the groom's party, there's a photo of them where they all have Dia de los Muertos masks. The Halloween-ish?

Yeah. No. No, it's not. It's a totally different thing. He said ish. So here's our three options. We can read Bronwyn and Lou's homemade steampunk kid-friendly. Ooh, one more time.

Bronwyn and Lou's homemade steampunk kid-friendly fire dancing wedding. Oh, my God. Okay. All right. Yep. Remember that? Beat that next wedding. Danielle and Russell's norm pod wedding experience all around San Francisco.

Or, Holly and Fernando's teeny tiny Harry Potter Renaissance Festival wedding. I gotta go with number two, man. I need a tiebreaker. Where are we going? I kinda wanna go with teeny tiny Harry Potter. Alright, teeny tiny Harry Potter

it is. Frank West, Holly and Fernando's Teeny Tiny Harry Potter Renaissance Festival wedding. Also Renaissance Festival isn't capitalized, so it's just like a festival in the Renaissance. No, not the Renaissance, a Renaissance.

A different Renaissance. Ooh, these guys are in Minnesota! Alright! Okay. Holly and Fernando's teeny tiny teeny tiny Harry Potter renaissance festival wedding. The offbeat bride is Holly, orientation and commencement coordinator

at a small college and a tribesmaid. Her offbeat partner is Fernando, the IT wizard. Literally! Oh my god. I am the IT wizard. I will install your software using this magic spell.

Software bugs, we are. Excuse me, it's Fernando the Undying. Excuse me, you called me an IT magician? It is clearly stated here I'm an IT wizard. I have not reached the level of sorcerer yet, but I am working on it. You simply must cast stupefy upon your PC. Our offbeat wedding at a glance. We got married in a small secret garden at the Renaissance

Festival that only allowed space for 12 guests. We chose not to have a wedding party and considered everyone a guest of honor. I even wrote biographies about everyone on the back of the Daily Prophet programs I made and had other Harry Potter inspired details as well. Oh, hey,

Harry Potter inspired details. That. Oh, hey, Harry Potter inspired details. That's descriptive. Like, details about... No, no, I get it. It's fine. They basically bought one of those things with every flavor beans, and were like, yeah, fuck it, we're done. They just bought a bunch of postcards,

and they wrote QUIT ATCHING BIG LETTERS! They had totally normal vows. They just shouted Harry Potter words in the middle of them. Snape! They called it snitch! Take this golden snitch to be your lawfully wedded husband. I like how many Harry Potter words you guys know.

You may now catch the snitch. Wait, wait, wait. That actually might be in there. It really might. I hope it is. I haven't the snitch. Wait, wait, wait. That actually might be in there. It really might. I hope it is. I haven't gotten there yet. All right, here we go. Shit, I just went to flicker.

Hold on. Be careful on the site. Yeah, you have to be careful when you click here. Neither of us particularly like being in the spotlight, so we wanted a very small, short wedding

that suited our personalities. So you wanted to fit your personality, so we wanted a very small, short wedding that suited our personalities. So you wanted to fit your personality, so you set it up so... completely prepackaged and someone else... It's like a book somebody else wrote. That fits our personality. The fact that we wanted something small also helped us save a lot of money, since we both would rather

spend that money on good eats and good beer. I wrote the ceremony, which was reflective of us as a couple and as individuals, from the Ravenclaw-colored theme to the vows that ended with I accept the terms and conditions. Oh, God! They seem more like Hufflepuffs to me.

When you click that, you never know what you're actually agreeing to. Their whole vows are just really fucking long. I just scrolled through the vows, whatever. Before you read the vows, though, they had to get an age check. Are you 18 or older? Yeah. They have to make sure you scroll to the bottom.

We actually had a EULA for our wedding. It worked out really well. Anyway. It's great because if they want to decide to get a divorce, they can just arbitrarily decide that someone broke one of the clauses in the ULA. How the fuck? No, they can't because it's a non-compete clause. Okay, so...

See, that's why they should have gotten married in California. There's no non-compete here. Aw, yeah. We're gradually getting nerdier than the people in these weddings. We're gradually getting nerdier than the people in these weddings I'd like to point out how fucking Rumpeled and wrinkled the fucking groom looks While they're standing in the mud in this picture Alright we gotta read more

Immediately following the 10 minute ceremony We were able to attend one of our favorite RenFest shows The Danger Committee It was really nice to get married during a bigger event because right after the wedding, no one really was even paying attention to us. Oh my god.

It's my special day! I want nobody to care! Look at those guys that look like the guys from Pawn Stars throwing knives! There's only one way to do that. It's called going to the fucking courthouse. We didn't want a formal reception, so a month later we had a

line dancing hoedown with some of our friends and my line dancing troupe, the Sassy Steppers, who all happen to be over the age of 55. In traditional Harry Potter line dancing style. I'm certain all the other ones we've looked at Tiny Harry Potter Renaissance Fair Wedding Reception Senior Centered Dancing Troupe Wedding So tell us about the ceremony

We opened with our favorite quote from our favorite movie, Juno Oh good lord! That has great, that's just a really good omen for your relationship. In my opinion... And now we will read from the book of Diablo Cody. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines out your bum.

The bum is in brackets. Oh, it is. Oh, wait, did they censor themselves? Yeah, they censored themselves. Does Offbeat Brite not allow that kind of coarse language? No, they're probably concerned about their parents. My favorite part is that no matter the context,

the lines from Juno are terrible. So, then there was some vows, and then what happened after the vows? At the end, we closed with our secret high-five instead of a kiss. This is a marriage built to last. Whoa! Speaking of marriage built to last, I'd like to ask a little thing we skipped and mentioned.

Fernando is a man of few words and didn't want to write his own vows, so instead, I wrote vows that were recited by my best friend. Oh my god! No! What the fuck? Oh my god! Holy shit!

Wow. These people are both gay and afraid to tell anybody. Yeah! You need to read these vows, somebody. Nobody spoke at our wedding. We didn't want anyone to know what was happening and we didn't touch each other. It was terrific.

No, they high-fived. It's true, they did high-five. I mean, that's binding in some countries. And it's so secret that they didn't even show the high-five in the picture of them high-fiving. Oh, are you going bowling with your bowling team that you don't ever take me to introduce? The bowling team that you just go out with

and I haven't met any of them? Well, I'm going to go to my dance stepping group, so, you know. Yeah, the dance stepping group. I'm pretty stoked, guys. I'm 75% of the way to getting my wedding RPG downloaded. How fucking big is it? Well, it's just the server's

jammed with all the people downloading it right now. I'm sure. The guy's gonna look at the site and be like, holy shit, somebody actually grabbed this. So should I read these vows? Am I reading these vows? They're not really that good. Oh, good.

Thank God. Thank God. They apparently don't like pineapple and pizza and have issues when the Wi-Fi goes out. What is issues when the Wi-Fi goes out? It's so people can relate. You know, everybody has issues when the Wi-Fi goes out. And then the communication has to happen.

There's nothing to do but talk to each other. About the Wi-Fi goes out. And then the communication has to happen. There's nothing to do but talk to each other. About the Wi-Fi being out. Which has clearly been a problem for these two. Is the Wi-Fi going out or can I just not get Grindr right now? Ha ha ha! Did you guys notice the tattoo on the bride? What's the tattoo on the bride?

What's the tattoo on the bride? It's just below her neck, and it says love on the top of her back. Of what? Love of what? Ice cream. Possibly ugly yellow shawls. Hey, so what was the funniest moment, Frank?

Is that a shawl? Because it has sleeves. I don't fucking know. It's like a backpack that doesn't have... Hey, so what was the funniest moment, Franklust? Is that a shawl? Because it has sleeves. I don't fucking know. It's like a backpack that doesn't store anything. Yeah, totally. No, it's a cape. It's like a superhero cape, only it's knitted.

Ooh, great. I don't know why Superman didn't have a knit cape. Before you tell me about the funniest moment, tell me about your best friend. I talk about my best friend a lot Yeah you do I wonder if your best friend's female My best friend not only got ordained To be able to officiate

She also made my bouquet, veil, and Fernando's Boutonniere We had to spend a lot of nights together Fernando's friend Ashley Owns a flower shop and made corsages For my parents I had to spend a lot of nights together. Fernando's friend Ashley owns a flower shop and made corsages for my parents. My mom raced against the clock to knit me a shrug. That's what that is. It's a shrug.

That doesn't help. I don't know what a shrug is. That's a shrug. Now you do it. We're begging the question now. And even made sure to make it the Ravenclaw-approved colors because I don't want to get kicked out of Ravenclaw for having the wrong color. I still insist she's a Hufflepuff.

It was so special to have the people closest to us surround us with such support and care, and to have our wedding exactly the way we wanted it. Short, sweet, and completely isolated, and nerdy with lots of subtle, not-so-subtle references to Harry Potter. Okay, so what was the funniest thing that happened at your wedding? Wait, wait, it looks like they're touching in that photo. That's really weird. Yeah, imagine that.

The funniest thing that happened. Now remember, you're up against I ate a blue thing and then my mouth was blue. So, you're gonna have to beat that. Well, the secret garden where we held the wedding is also home to a small pond. My three-year-old nephew kept himself entertained

for the duration of the ten-minute ceremony by throwing rocks into the pond. At one point, we heard a giant splash, and I thought he had fallen in, but it turns out he actually just threw a big rock in. That is the most gnarly thing I've heard in my fucking life. The funniest thing that happened. A kid threw a rock in the water.

To be fair, it was ten minutes long, and then I think they immediately threw smoke bombs on the ground and ran away. There's not a lot of room. I love, like, there's just, like, there's a bunch of photos here. And, like, there's photos of, like, the bride, like, showing, like, visible affection for this officiant. There's a bride showing visible affection for the people that have attended. There's a bride showing visible affection for somebody's son. And then the couples together.

Hey, we both have matching rings. couples together. Hey, we both have matching rings. So, uh, so F+, what do you think we learned from this reading? What do you think we learned from this? I'm never getting married. Yeah, I learned that

marriage is something I should not aspire to, and instead I should go to more metal shows. More metal shows. More metal shows than already. Good lord. I wish you remembered when you complained about being pigeonholed as the metal guy. I mean, like, I think that it's perfectly valid to just, like, throw a weird party.

Like, I'm not bothered by people having, like, themed parties or costume parties or something like that. That's, that's, that's fine. That's, that's okay. But the whole point of, like, the non-traditional wedding, like, the non, like, you know, oh, we're going to talk about Jesus and then we'll eat some cake, is that, like, you're supposed to be throwing a party that's fun. is that you're supposed to be throwing a party that's fun.

And they really lose sight of this so quickly. I feel like so many of these weddings aren't even geared towards... They're not geared towards each other. They're not geared towards the guests. The weddings are geared towards Offbeat Bride. Are you saying that you don't think that the people who were involved in these weddings didn't find these non-insufferable at all. They've actually had fun. Because I bet

you that this is just like little cabals of extremely shitty people interacting with each other. Yeah, but those people have like co-workers, those people have hands. Yeah, exactly. Imagine you've got like a you've got a, I don't know

a niece or something and they invite you to their, and it's video games at a barn. Right. You can't say no. Right. You're going to fly cross-country, get dressed up, and waste... Well, okay, maybe you can, and I probably could, too, but some people... You know, I'm going to say these people are doing their relatives a favor. Okay.

Because I had a wedding invitation from a cousin. It came on a black and white checkered card. I got the option of saying, yellow flag rained out, or green flag, good to go. I yellow flagged that fucker. I've been to a variety

of different weddings. Essentially, all I do is I just assume that it's for the couple. So I've been to a wedding that's similar to the stuff that we discussed here. And while it's not my thing, it's their thing, and fuck it. Right. But then they're allowed to have the wedding that they want to have, and you're allowed to leave early. You know, and everyone's kind of dealing with their own prerogative, but again, like, this, like, rigid

structure to a goddamn costume party seems weird. I mean, that seems like the kind of thing where you'd be like, I'm sorry, no, you can't come over to my house on Halloween unless your Harry Potter outfit looks correct. Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, you can't come over to my house on Halloween unless your Harry Potter outfit looks correct. Well, I mean, yeah.

I mean, I did not say that I dressed up for the fucking other than just wearing, you know, regular. Like, you would wear this to a wedding. You wore your formal obituary. I wore my Canadian tuxedo. We'll put it that way. formal obituary. I wore my Canadian tuxedo. We'll put it that way. I did Still in love with nobody Nobody I won't tell nobody Take me

Our rings were custom designed Mobius bands With the word always engraved inside Instead of clicking glasses to kiss We requested There's no inside to a Mobius band They told the engraver to just engrave it on the inside of the ring

and she just went crazy. We've lost five jewelers that way!