The F Plus - 134: Build a Better Buttplug and the World Will Beat Off

Episode Date: April 23, 2014

For projects in need of crowdfunding, Kickstarter has raised a billion dollars for projects, many of which were poorly considered, but none of them were overtly sexual in nature. What's the world to do when they want to fund the next generation of innovative porno and/or pneumatic dildos? They head over to offbeatr.com. This week, The F Plus signed you up for surprise phone sex.

I just realized I didn't do any of this browsing in incognito. Oh well. Welcome to the F+. This is the podcast with terrible things riddled with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. This project's main goal is to create a sex loop animation. I'm currently learning how to animate with some background knowledge on it.

$700 please. AC Rockwaddle! In the year 2069, after the sexpocalypse, there is an underground resistance, the flesh sects. Yes, Fahan! I wanted to recreate the well-known book Little Red

Riding Hood, but I wanted to make a twist the adorable story of a girl. Cortex! I'm still waiting for Princess Escape from Kingdom Cum-Lamity to show up on this thing. Jack Chick! Pledge $30 or more and receive three homemade vegan cream-filled

chocolate chip cookies and a thank you card. Fuck! And, and Lemon. Everyone wants to fuck me from princes to thieves so for 23 000 i'll do whatever whoever the fuck you want Hey, F+, how you doing? Hi, Lemon.

Awesome. How is your amount of disposable income? Is it good? Do you have a lot of disposable income? Oh, plenty. I am making it rain. I haven't bought anything stupid in a long time. Follow-up question. Do you have innovative,

exciting, technologically exciting devices shoved into your orifices? Right now? Not right now. I've got some on deck. I do have a

phone playing this podcast shoved up my nose. Does that count? Okay, maybe we can get funding for that. Look, the Kickstarter episode remains one of my favorites of the episodes that we've done. But the thing that Kickstarter didn't have was a whole bunch of crappy boners. So to that end, I want to introduce you to OffBeater.

I don't know, that stump was pretty hot. B-E-A-T-R. It's Kickstarter, but for porn. Well, okay, I'm sold. I am sold. Holy fuck. Is that like masturbating to ska? Beat it off, beat it off, beat it off, beat it off.

Oh, nice. Yes. Yeah, so we're going to go through a bunch of proposed projects from the OffBeater. It's a fledgling site. They're just trying to get off the ground. But, you know, it's a marketplace of ideas, the Internet.

So I think that they're going to, you know, have a lot of success. So I'm going to send you the first link. This product is called the Epic O. It's guaranteed to give her an O face. Hi, I'm pleasing them. I'm sure you are. I get it.

Let me just real quick post this to my Reddit. Yeah, and this is an any sex orientation physical products project. The epic O guaranteed to give her an O-face. Oh dear. Yeah. Oh my.

And you can see the lovely image here. It says, no image found. Beep. Do you guys see an image? Nope image here it says no image found beep do you guys see an image nope okay there's actually no image i have a teddy bear on mine i have a hand run i cannot leave safe for work mode yeah my browser is refusing to leave safe for work mode. He's trying to save you. Yeah. I've got like a restroom style image of a unicorn, then there's a lollipop down there. Teddy bear,

another lollipop. Alright, Boots, tell us about it. Yeah, about the project. The Epic O is a personal sex machine. Unlike most sex machines, the Epic O is relatively small, measuring 18 inches by 40 inches by 27 inches.

My previous sex machine is an Iron Maiden, so this is significantly smaller than that. Iron Maiden, excellent. You know, sex machines are a lot like mainframes. You know, back in the 60s, they took up a whole room. This is a microrosex machine.

One day, one day we'll invent a dildo that can fit inside of a pussy. They'll really take off there. Affordability is also another goal, with a target retail price less than $900 for the base

model. Okay, I like extras. So, uh, what's the base model got? Tell me about the base model features. Yeah, it's got stroke... Yeah! It's got stroke length adjustment from 2 inches to 8 inches. Sure. Stroke depth adjustment from 3 inches to

8 inches. Good. Variable speed control. Wireless remote control. Supple Italian leather seat and pads. Italian. Sorry, yeah, Italian. Multiple positions, including cowgirl,

reverse cowgirl, missionary, and doggy. So the machine has multiple positions? Yes. Yeah. So there's no on top or normal. And if you put yourself on it right, it'll poke out both your eyes. That's a position two.

Water slash liquid resistant hardware and electronics. Why would it need to be water resistant? Oh. Yeah. You know, sometimes you gotta, sometimes you gotta fuck and you spill your. Well, so you spill your drink or something, you want to be able to clean that up. You know, I always, I always really like pool scenes myself, and so I figured, oh.

Oh. Take it out of an inflatable inner tube. The lady's seducing the machine in a pool. Oh, pool boy. Superior quality hardware, electronics, and construction materials. Sure. All right.

Beautiful hardwood. Use any VacuLock toys or standard strap-on toys. You know, actually, VacuLock is a patent, and so therefore you can't actually have VacuLock on your sex device unless it's signed off on by, I want to say, Doc Johnson? I'm sure he's aware of that, and he's just trying to skate by. Doc Johnson's got a side gig. As Doc Johnson.

It's got a three-year limited warranty that includes parts or unit replacement. So by unit replacement, you're saying that's the actual... I'm bored by the base model. Can it get better? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. We're just in the, you know, the planning phases for the DP model.

Good, good, right, right. Yeah, it's got the same features as the base model, plus it's got a second motor, a drive unit for dual toy operation and double the pleasure. So, it's got a second motor, a drive unit for dual toy operation, and double the pleasure. So it's got two... Additional proposed add-ons. Okay. A BDSM restraint system. Okay.

Restraint hardware and tethers. Thigh straps. Wrist straps. Ankle straps. Neck straps. Stirrups. Armbar slash eagle spreader. What the fuck?

It's the BDSM restraint system. So you could tie yourself up and then get fucked up the ass by your own robot thing. And then how do you get out? Maybe there's another proposed add-on where the robot unties you up and some fuck in you.

You may go. Try the Epic P. Guaranteed to get you out of the Epic O. Sold separately. Well, you know what? Because you talk about your device for quite a while. Will you skip down to... Yeah, but don't you want to know about the Wiggler?

Yeah. Okay, sure. Tell me about the Wiggler. I have nothing to say about it other than the words, the Wiggler. Also, magic muscle dong. Is that a Batman villain about the Wiggler. I have nothing to say about the words, the Wiggler! Also, Magic Muscle Dong! Is that a Batman villain, the Wiggler? Yes. And his side is Magic Muscle Dong.

Will you skip down into the hundreds that you've sank? Uh... Good. I have sank hundreds of hours into research, design, and making a mock-up and a few prototype parts, plus thousands of dollars in getting the other tools needed. I've purchased manual routers, a table saw, huge table belt sander, palm sanders, drill press, cam software, and a small 12-inch by 12-inch CNC mill for making the aircraft aluminum levers. And I tried to fuck all of those, but it didn't do anything.

Yeah, I was about to say, I'm sure if you worked hard at it, you could just turn those things into sex machines. I was thinking maybe he sank all this money to making that for himself, and he's like, shit, I gotta recoup my costs. Why does this guy have a gigantic pile of AOL CDs on the right side of the... Because that picture was taken in 1994. Everyone had a huge pile of AOL CDs. So he made the Dildo-tronimus or whatever,

and he also made the time machine. And he went, I can market one of these. Hey, sex sells. He knows what he's doing. If you get fucking three or more holes by my machine, you will travel back in time. I've done it myself. I'm sorry. I must reject your

script for Quantum Leap. Oh, it's the porno parody. Oh, sure, this ain't Quantum Leap. They couldn't think of a good pun for Quantum Leap porno parody, so they have to turn it down. They never think of a good pun. What about my script for my Sliders remake?

Alright, keep telling me about the money that you need. Now I completely tapped out. I need your help to get to the next level. In fact, I don't even have enough money left to pay the $365 listing fee deposit on the $18,000 I need to raise for this project. So, I'm going to have to set the funding goal much lower and hope that the goal is vastly exceeded. You know what? Fine. You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. I don't care. It's a thing. It's got dildos

on it. It kind of looks like an Ikea product. I'm excited. What do I get if I give you $75? I'm going to give you $75 right now. You're going to give me $75? Great! You're going to get a sincere, handwritten thank you on a fancy thank you card. I don't know how to handle this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I never got a Disney from a letter before, but you know, first time for everything. But how does it get to me? It's delivered to your mailbox! Oh, wow! Using amazing mailing technology. You don't have to pick it up at my house. No, that's just a word for vagina.

But if you wanted to. Went to the Jeremy Fernandez School of Rewards. Gamer's hip dildo. Plus, you get a certificate for $50 off your very own Epic-O personal sex machine. Yeah! And an Epic-O face t-shirt. Oh! Oh!

What does a t-shirt look like? What does a t-shirt look like? It's a t-shirt you wear on your face. What does it look like? What does it look like? What does a t-shirt look like? It's a t-shirt you wear on your face. What does it look like? What does it look like? Oh, actual t-shirt design will be uploaded soon. Here's a picture of a white t-shirt. Oh, that's what they look like.

It should just be a white t-shirt with the words epic O-face in block letters. No, guys, that's not just a white t-shirt. Hey, I got something to tell you. My chest is wrapped in a plain white t-shirt. Well, you know what? I want to go fucking all the way to the limit. $1,200. You can have 1,200 of my dollars.

What do I get? Thank you. You're welcome. Anyway, you're going to get a sincere handwritten thank you on a fancy thank you card delivered to your mailbox. That sounds familiar. Plus an Epico face t-shirt, the DVD, and your very own Epic O DP.

Yeah, you know me. I thought the DP was the deluxe model that was still being designed. Yeah, sure. You're going to get it. You're going to like it. So, you know, if you get enough of those $1,200, you'll make your way all the way to your stretch goal because you're looking for $3,500.

Boy, am I. But if you get to your $3,500, I'm sure you'll make your way all the way to your stretch goal of $75,000. Sure, yeah. If, and by if I mean when, you make $75,000, what will you spend it on? Right, once you guys finally give me $75,000, I'm going to have an advertising campaign. Hitting this goal will allow me to develop a webpage dedicated to the Epic O and advertise the Epic O on major adult sites and maybe on adult TV networks with a celebrity adult star spokesperson. It's like an infomercial. There's like a woman trying to, you know, masturbate, and then

it goes black and white, and she's like, and they're red X over it. There's just got to be a better way. If we make this goal, a vote will be held asking all of you who we sold you as our spokesperson and ad model. Who do you guys think? I want Nancy Grace.

Oh, God! How did you make your product worse? Hey, Portex, do you guys think? I want Nancy Grace. Oh, God! How did you make your product worse? Hey, Portex, do you have any questions for Mr. Pleasure? What is his name? Pleasing them? Do you have any questions, perhaps, that are frequently asked? Sir, step into the vehicle. No, no, no.

That's not a question. Four frequently asked questions that you wanted to ask, pleasing them. All right, let me... So, why don't you just set your project funding goal at $18,000? Because I only have about $80 left that I can spend on this project without missing rent. I thought you were committed to dildos. A true entrepreneur would have missed rent for this.

Am I right? But that's where all my dildos are if I don't have a house. He's in a storage unit full of dildos. Yeah, be a real entrepreneur. Sell fucking machines out of the back of your car.

Use the dildos to build a wall. Fort Dildo will not be penetrated. Any other questions? That was a good setup and knockdown right there. How would this machine do four different positions? Well, that's the reason for the O shape. It allows the whole mechanical

operation to rotate over 180 degrees. So, in between those 180 degrees, there are four different positions. Oh, I see. Okay, rotating 180 degrees. I thought it was going to scald your person. I was wrong, actually. The product looks a little bit more like GLaDOS.

It looks a lot like GLaDOS. It's for science, man. I'm just fulfilling two fantasies at once. Do you have another question? Perhaps one that's more urgent How do you wash this thing? Oh god hurry Oh I wouldn't bother

I know you wouldn't Okay well if you really wanted to wash it The Epico can be washed with mild soap and water The clear coat will keep the wood Highly water resistant And all the metal parts are stainless steel or aluminum The electronics will be housed in a sealed compartment And uh

Surely you have one more question for me It's what we're all thinking right now Yeah it is Can this machine be used for For squirting? Yes! Huzzah! End of answer.

That is a frequently asked question. You set it up with a squirt pistol and then make the dildos operate the trigger? Virgil, the drippy dildo machine. I'm really hoping that the finished product There's so much innocence in this podcast. Machinery in it, so as it's going... Vortex, you like comics, right?

It sounds like Ed 209 from Robocop. You have 20 seconds to achieve orgasm. Dead or alive, you're really coming with me. Wow. Alright, Portex, you like comics, right? The answer's soon going to be no, I'm sure. But right now you like comics. Right now I do. Great.

Well, then you're certain to like The King and Gwyn, Slaves of the Tentacle! It's probably like Day of the Tentacle, I assume. Oh no. This is probably like, you know, after making all of his money off of Kickstarter. Oh man, he moved on to offbeat. Oh my god! Oh my god!

Yeah, yeah. Let Dr. Fred Edison stick his finger up your butt So, if you've never seen a drawing of a veiny nipple Welcome to The King and Gwyn His nipple is migrating to his torso to the side of his body

I went to this page and suddenly not safe for work mode is working Yay! Yay! And I scroll down and there are lion men. It's been redlined to have tentacle dicks.

On them? Right? Tell me about the project. Okay! Sure enough, buddy! I'm going to scroll past recent updates. About the project! This project that I really want to read about. Featuring the most

prominent, biggest, baddest barbarians ever known to the furry fandom in a 20-page mini-comic of epic fantasy erotica starring the mind-blowing Meatloaf, who is Oh, starring Meatloaf? Yeah. Yay!

And I would do anything for love, including that. Boy, I'll tell you, working for Donald Trump is humiliating. I'm going to go star in furry porn instead. Mind-blowing meatloaf Gwyn from long-running novel series and anime? Sure. from long-running novel series and anime? Green Saga in a freak romantic encounter with the Beast King. Leo from video game Warzord.

What? You fucking assholes! So, like, I want you to pay me to make a comic wherein I rip off the IP of two other people and put them all... Yeah. Tell me more. I don't want to tell you more about how we're having Warzord fanfiction fuckery, but I guess I have to.

StorySign options. This bone-throbbing fanfiction comic tells the tale of the yet-to-be king of Sharan who gives a shit. Gwian, in his misadventure stored kinghood, known for his habits of being captured and bound quote-unquote unwittingly,

Gwian finds himself in yet another all-too-familiar circumstance, stumbling into a deadly cavern of gum-guzzling tentacle plants. That's an all-too-familiar circumstance. Yes!

It's like a fucking sitcom where he's like, gum-guzzling tentacle plants are you raping me again? Thursdays, am I right? I've forgotten how bad these VHS previews are for the main feature

I thought usually the tentacles always spewed cum not guzzled the cum so this is actually pretty new I just want to watch Violent Cop I just want to watch Violent Top. I just want to watch Violent Top. All craving for man juices, but I guess Lion will do in a pinch,

of unsuspecting adventures. Held captive alongside with our valiant hero is Leo, who shares a few pointers on getting out of their predicament, as well as a few tasteful insights on becoming king. Tasteful. That's a clever name for a lion. Yeah, the first piece of advice is don't get

captured by fucking cum-guzzling tentacle plants. Hey, you know, if you have a choice between the cum-guzzling ones and the cum-spewing ones... How much money are you looking for for this project? Money am I looking for? Yeah. I'm only looking for $600, really. Oh, good. Well, how much money have you found?

Well, I used to have faith in humanity, but then I realized that it achieved $3,901 of the $600 goal. Thank you. With 33 days remaining. With 33 days remaining, this has achieved 650% of its actual goal. I guarantee you, if this was not a furry comic, it would have, like, $6. Yep. All right. Well, you know, so that means that you've gotten to your stretch goal of $2,000.

Please don't use that word stretch, please. Please, not Peggy's son. So once you got to the $2,000... You're dilated goal. No, okay, shut the fuck up now. Once you got to the prolapsed goal... Oh, come on now. Once you got to the $2,000 goal, what did you get from this?

Um, the, well, the urge to kill myself. But I got extended sex scenes. That's what we got. Wow. Did you really think I was gonna stop at a measly 20 pages? What did you take me for? A pansy? No, I don't think so. Here's another

two pages on top of the first two. Page on page accident. Yeah. For your generosity, that's a total of four bonus pages. Page on page accent. Yeah. For your generosity, that's a total of four bonus pages. Can you handle it? Can you do it? I'm going to assume that that's a direct challenge to Capcom's lawyers to shut this shit down.

Please answer the call. So $3,900. You are super close to the $4,000 goal. What happens at the $4,000 goal? Extended sex scenes part three. I'm seeing a pattern here. Your generous support will cover me for about two months. Not my lion dong, of course, but the rest of me is good to go.

This is more... I won't make a suit out of them. This is more enough for me to bring the comic page count to a total of 28 pages. An extra four more pages on top of the previous four. That's like sex with bullet time. What? It is. He's so typing and masturbating at the same time.

He's like, that's like sex with fucking bullet time. Why not? That's like having a volcano come in your eye hole ear. It's gonna reach. What if we get to $5,000? We get $5,000. It's now in full color! It's not easy producing a comic

while furiously being on. Sure, that's Tara Snover. She can't seem to do it. Loser. Ask any artist out there that's tried or given up. It's a high risk with uncertain returns. No, it's fucking not. You just drop whatever.

Working. Pretty risky. It's pretty risky, yeah. Working on meteor showers, too. How is that spelled? Eleven, did you ask her to read that? Meteor showers. Just for that. M-E-A-A-T-I-E-R.

Showers. Who cares? I just wanted you to read Meteor Showers. See, he could probably come up with a good name for the Quantum Leap for now. Can we get to the frequently asked questions? Sure, what question do you want to ask? They're all going to be, why? Nope, I'm looking at them. I'm going to say why.

Why not? Boots, what question do you want to ask? Yeah, how will the final product be shipped out? I don't know, because my browser is not allowing me to look at this. Hang on. Probably have to have JavaScript on it. Yeah, hang on. What's that?

The final product is a digital copy of the comic. The file will be uploaded to a server and a link provided to all supporters for them, and surely only them, to download the file. Those who pledged for a physical CD and other relevant physical bonuses will have theirs shipped internationally through airmail with a personal touch. Ew.

That's ominous. I don't like the phrase personal touch. It's not even a comic book because it's only in a PDF. But you can get a CD of the PDF. You could get a CD, or you could download it.

How is it difficult to make this work? I do like the little mini-explanation of how the internet works, too. I got another question. What's that? Yeah, you've already produced ten o-ages. Why not finish them on your own? Because I'm a lazy fatass. Next!

Oh, wait, no. Because perverts will give me money. About halfway through it, I realized, hey, I should be... I got 650%. There's your fucking answer, you dipshit. Anyway, I would certainly... Oh, it's going to get more. I would certainly love to do so.

However, with Fangra issue three and a general lack of time for freelancing and commission work, I'm truly spread thin. yeah, that's the word, and can't take on another comic project without support. I have created ten pages out of my own spare time. Oh, you poor fucking baby. And simply for the love of these characters,

Gwen and Leo, to finish the project, I need a... That's code for he spanked it to the first ten pages. Oh, is that what that means? I had no idea. And then he finished, and then he wanted money. Oh, he finished. So, okay, he finished. I gotcha.

I wish I could get paid to come. To finish the project, I need a safety net of savings that I can rely on, one which I can work with that distraction of fear. Yeah, I'm distracted by fear right now. Hey, look over here. Boom. Don't come, ghost. Get out of my butt.

Fear of not being able to eat tomorrow. In short, your support helps me get harder. I mean, work harder. Yeah, that. That's the cool dry weight you're going to expect from Leo Fuckfest he made the joke we were making oh wait there's no here hi FOS

I know you're reading this assholes fucking good god I hate this bullshit where it's just like I'm doing this on my free time anyway but could you like pay me to do it that would be super duper could you pay me over 600% of what I asked for?

Furries. Portax, I want to give you $500. Am I going to get anything good for that? No, you'll be getting a free comic, but this is the thing you'll be getting. What does that man get? $500? You will receive all of the above rewards and will be personally notified and invited to every

private streaming session of the comic book while it's being produced. You may converse with me, ask me questions, or listen and watch while I work. What a privilege. Because art streams are

never not the most boring fucking thing in the world. I think I want to take my 500 dollars back. Right here, I'm adding the shading. I guess it's like, I guess for them it would make sense, because it's just like, I literally cannot wait until the comic is made before I can come. Please,

just let me watch you draw it. Anything. Do you think he'll do like, do you think he'll do like Bob Ross voiceover the whole time? Oh, that'd be nice. Just like a happy little I demonstrated the voice that he would be using. Happy little lion mane. We're just going to fill that in.

Oh, look at this. Mr. Tentacle Monster. Oh, man, he's just crying. I'm going to draw a happy little bulging vein right here. Peck pillows. Peck pillows. Hey, y'all. Are y'all looking for some more urban flavor?

Some urban? Yes, Lemon. I'm down with that. Yes, we certainly are. All if it's flavor, though. So I'm representing Red Splash Media. You might have heard of it. Nope.

Here's my business card. It's written on the back of somebody else's business card. Anyway, this is the PornHop DVD series. Oh, shit. You can tweet about this or embed it if you want. You should please watch the video. Nope. All right, fine.

Not fucking happening. All right, so PornHop DVD series. With the best of both worlds approach, our concept is a simple one to grasp. High quality and catchy hip-hop music merged with adult video. We want to push the envelope when it comes to typical music videos. I've often sat back and enjoyed a nice video with a catchy song and found myself

imagining what it would be like if those sexy girls would reveal a little more and perhaps do a little more. I wish I was watching porn right now. I mean, we've got the stereotype where it's all about disco music, and now he wants to go, yo, yo!

Humpa humpa. Have you watched a porn in the last 30 years? No, he hasn't. He clearly has not. He likes vintage stuff. Fair enough. I just like that this guy was watching a Nelly video and was like, I wish those women had lower standards

Anyway, that would be very cool Adult content as well as good hip hop music the best of both worlds Now that's something I can handle Of course, it's not something that would fly in mainstream or even on YouTube So if someone were to introduce a DVD series such as this I would definitely buy and sign it up for a subscription.

Hot girls, luxury cars, exotic locations, and great music would be the main ingredients of an amazing adult DVD series unlike any other. You like that? No. It's that Biggie Smalls video, Hypnotize, but with fucking. We have coined the name Porns video hypnotize, but with fucking. We have coined the name Porn Hop for our series,

and the basic DVD structure would consist of three adult music videos, and two adult vignettes. Scenes as follows. I hope they're chaptered so you know what to skip. So you can follow the arc. DVD extra. You know, I was watching the video

that Pussy Got Low Miles by Plies. And I thought it was leaving too much to my imagination. Did you like the scene where Plies smoked on a cigar and then blew the cigar smoke all over that one bitch's pussy?

Yeah, I liked that. But I wasn't seeing dicks everywhere. No, you were. You were looking at plies, though. Oh, so I was. I'm hoping that what it is is that he just takes regular rap videos and then

just uses After Effects to have just stock dicks just flying around. Hopefully in 3D. Here's what episodes 1 through 6 look like. A. 4-5 minute X-rated music video intro. Then the first vignette that's 20 minutes.

Then a 4-5 minute X-rated music video. Then the second vignette that's 20 minutes. Then a 4-5 minute X-rated music video conclusion. So that's the only one where they can come. So the vignettes

are 20 minutes long. It's like an episode of In Loving Color, but you replace the music sketches with porn. In fucking color. You make the fly girls naked.

So it's going to kind of be like the TV edit for Showgirls, only they draw nipples on everything. Because that would be great. You can do what you want to do.

With social media at our disposal and sites such as WorldStarHipHop, we would launch a heavy-duty advertising campaign utilizing infomercials, celebrity endorsements, Informershals. Oh, you're right.

So we're going to be there? Because that would be great. You mean snow? Yeah, snow. Sorry. I'm so sorry. We would launch a heavy-duty advertising campaign utilizing informertials. Celebrity endorsements, viral videos, trailers and teaser videos, official website,

launch parties, I'm tired of typing a list now. This DVD series would take off like wildfire from being plastered all over cyberspace like the Girls Gone Wild series in its prime. Yeah, because if there's one thing that hasn't been able to break into internet advertising, it's porn.

Well, Girls Gone Wild was well known for being a major internet presence. Right, yeah. A major TV infomercial presence. Once we achieve this level, the world is ours. The beauty... Beauty.

Beauty. The beauty of this concept is that we will simultaneously penetrate two markets with one product, and that is huge. You like my neurolinguistic programming? No, I don't, actually. When you're dealing with music and adult videos, we have the formula for success. We need your help to produce the first six episodes of this potential multi-million dollar franchise. Revenue streams

will include ringtones, mobile downloads, DVD sales, retail sales, and merchandise. We will be successful in all of these markets, by the way. Digital downloads and capital iTunes, website subscriptions, pay-per-view. Oh, God.

Video on demand. Fucking WrestleMania. Webcams. Semaphore. I just like fucking ringtones. An oxygen spinoff. Are there actually anybody making fucking money from ringtones anymore? Is there going to be that crazy frog thing on these fucking things?

There's got to be. Because I think that like, well, I mean, China, but, like... No, because I think that's still downmarket people that have the, like, feature phones, right? Don't people still have feature phones? Oh, sure. I mean, people still have feature phones, but, like, the number of people who have feature phones versus, you know, the number of people

who are using smartphones, right? This is the greatest conversation we've ever had in this podcast. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Anyway, webcams. Any questions?

Just email address. Anyway, who's going to give me money? I'll give you money. Y'all know that I need $20,000, by the way, right? You know I need $20,000. Sure. Yeah, I'm going to give you $2,500 right now. Yeah, dog.

You see it. Yeah. You're going to get double penetrated by my thanks and appreciation. Okay. So there's only one. You got the one slot of $2,500. Congratulations, Gates. Yeah.

Nobody else can give me $2,500. I'm sure my health will be fully intact At the end of this Somebody else gives me $25,000 I'll be like fuck no So you, you Boots Rangier Will have the opportunity to perform With one of the porn stars

And co-star in episode Three and four Showing your face on camera is 100% Optional You know what that means? This is pretty much like if you pledge money We'll let you fuck one of the porn stars Hey that's my dick

That's my dick awesome Look at it go That's just Ply's dick Fuck Because otherwise you'd need like 80 bucks And to live in Van Nuys Who wants to move there? You will be invited to our Las Vegas website launch party,

and after our party, our Miami promo party, and our Dominican Republic promo party. This guy is optimistic. You will get free DVDs mailed to you of first six episodes. You will receive free Pornhub merchandise that will be mailed to you. So part of your $20,000 is going into paying for a Dominican

Republic promotional party? Cocaine ain't free, man. Fair enough. True that. Yeah, I am also you know, Red Splash Media, by the way, this isn't our only project. We did Pornhub, but we actually have three projects right now running through the... Dude, do you realize that the fucking $100 pledge gives you the opportunity to perform with one of the porn stars?

Yeah, they all do. They all do. But not in the Dominican Republic. Look, you see what they're doing, right? They're doing their fundraising and their casting at the same time. Look, you see what they're doing, right? They're doing their fundraising and their casting at the same time. Two birds with one stone. That is America's cheapest chlamydia.

Boba Fett and XXX live-action porn parody? What? So anyway, we have two other projects. Red Splash Media also... Oh Oh wait, no, we just supported Yeah, we supported two projects So that's our project, but we also voted to support Virtual reality porn Would you like to enjoy porn in a new way?

What if instead of watching 2D pictures You could have 3D data Get out of here The end And then we also want to support Boba Fett, a double-X live-action porn parody. Why would I want to support virtual reality porn? It looks like she's exploding.

Oh, you can't support the Boba Fett one anymore because the guy who was starting it is dead now. What? Wow. Here lies Fred. He just so hard in a Boba Fett costume, he died. Yes, he certainly left a legacy behind. Here lies, you know, Fred. He just so hard and above with that costume, he died. Yes, he certainly left a legacy behind.

He came as Saul. Toby, damn it, died. He died as he lived. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. In a nasty, funky old Star Wars costume. Yes, yes, Jack Check,

what are you so excited about? You need to look at this right now. All right, I'm going to look at the Love Doll Transformation pre-order. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not to be confused with the Toby Dammit that played with the Stooges.

All right. That's an edit point because we'll get to that. We'll get to that. Isfahan, do you have a product? That would be the light. Light. Collapsible. Modular. Benches. that would be the light collapsible modular benches so this is the ironing board that you fuck

we can finally use the naughty chairs tag again yeah it looks like some kind of tiny futuristic picnic table for tiny people yeah this is by alum it's a featured project futuristic picnic table. For tiny people. Yeah.

It's cute. This is by Alum. It's a featured project. It's got 16 votes of 410 needed before it can start getting money, I guess. Yeah, so that's

how this works is that, like, because Kickstarter has, presumably, I mean, I've heard that Kickstarter has a vetting process. Although, fucking good job on that.

There's three different cookie dunker projects. But anyway. No, no. Well, they're all busy with wallets. Of course. So Kickstarter has a vetting process. OffBeater does not. And so before you can get money, people like Red Sexy Media have to

vote to say that your project is good. Yeah. About the project. For those of us who cannot spend every weekend in a downtown dungeon, this bench brings the dungeon home. Leveraging the modularity of our materials, this spanking bench

can be adapted to a vast range of body types and the most inventive scenes. We know you're not a one-trick pony, so we built you a bench that can keep up. Why have you built this? We built this bench to answer two fundamental gaps in the

market, semicolon, portability and customization. We sought out a bench that would take up minimal storage space, lend itself to more than just a handful of positions, and come along with us when we took our sessions out on the town. Because semicolons are classy.

I'm really glad this marketing professional has found an outlet for his creativity. Okay, so it's just like a bench that's like a transformer and it turns into a guy that smacks your ass until it's raw. Yes, except guy not included. No, it's just

sort of... It's a small picnic table. It also has a lot of right-angle corners of aluminum, so that's nice. It totally does! Naked skin will enjoy that very much. It's part of the blood play element. Anyway.

I'm turned on by nicks. Pledge 50 or more, get a tetanus shot. Fuck a table made of knives, why not? Why not indeed. When it was clear this product was not out there, the public offender was born. What a horrible origin story. He's talking about himself, I think. The further we went with the design, the more functions,

options, and felxibility arose. We are pleased to present a bench that outperforms our highest expectations. What is he talking about? I'm sure you're curious what the bench is made of.

What is the bench made of of. Is it filterability? What is the bench made of? You know, poor Tex, I thought of that. I was just going to let it slide. I don't want to be in this episode. It's too silly. What the fuck do you want from me? The bench is constructed of aluminum,

making it both light and robust. At one-third the weight of steel, a collapsed bench can be carried out of a car to a best friend's living room without straining your back. Or worst enemies, either way. A former best friend's living room. Sorry, that was a breach of professionalism on my part, laughing during the ad copy. Don't worry, guys, I got a great picnic table. It's a picnic table. It's a picnic table. The light construction means this bench turns a room into a dungeon

only as long as you want it to. There is no need to sacrifice an office to furniture too large or too heavy to move back out. Wow. You just forgot how sentences work there. The aluminum is T-slotted, making the bench endlessly customizable.

The T-slots allow for an infinite arrangement of the limb supports, on-the-fly movement of tie points, and easy installment and adjustment of add-ons. Another semicolon. It's infinitely customizable, yet we're looking at 500 pictures of it all in the exact same configuration. Well, he knows what he likes. Yeah.

He likes picnics in the park. Now you have entered the lair of the picnic dom. Ha ha ha! This episode of Yogi Bear is getting fucked up. Ooh, get that dick-a-nick basket.

It's a yokey bear, but it's a big bad game. If you look in votes, you'll see that Joffrey Baratheon approves of this, so that's something. Where Joffrey goes, so does the internet. These add-ons are just right for the scene you have in store. And I think he just says more of the same stuff there.

Yeah, pretty much. So any good money things? I've noticed that for the cost of $7,500, he will put casters on it. Because it's so light and portable. Oh, but some of you are weaklings, so I will put casters on this. On this, like, but some of you are weaklings, so I will put casters on this like three

pieces of aluminum. I feel like a fuckstool is ill-served by having casters on the bottom. That's gonna be awkward. I've sold him short. They're not casters. It's a slinky set of wheels. Oh, of course. It's got wheels

on it, so she's gonna go like flying across the room. That'd be fun. Tie her down. Come back! Come back! Tie her down to it and start go-karting her across the apartment or something. Just whatever you do, do not tie them down at the top of a hill. Suddenly it's like a

kinky luge at that point. A kinkier luge, you mean. Just cool runnings of porno parody. Hot runnings. Hey, Alam. Yes. Alam, if I were to pledge $30 or more, what would I get? Well, you'd be the first person to do so, but thank you note and a t-shirt.

Don't be the guy to show up to the concert wearing the band. Wear us instead. There you go, Jack Jack. Wear this. Yeah, now trade in your metal t-shirts. Don't worry about your date wearing the same metal t-shirt. Yeah. These limited edition shirts are the creative offering of collaborators

Samantha Garcia and Devin Downing. Estimated delivery, May 2014. Okay, I don't want to donate $30. What's the next step up? Well, obviously, you know, there was $10, $15, $30. The next step up is, of course, $750. Right. Makes sense.

Yeah. For this one, who you would also be the first person, by the way, may the record reflect your selection of the ground floor run of the public offender. What does that mean? Our bench platform. This is the perfect bench for the kinkster on the go, light and collapsible, the defendant. There's no reward there. It's just like a briefer ad copy of the crap I already read.

No, no. I think you get a forum badge. You get the bench. You get a forum badge. You're the bench. You get a forum badge. You're a public... So wait, so wait, so there's marks for $5, $10, $15, $30, then

$750. What's after that? Well, of course, after that, you know, I think you see the pattern. The next is $775. Of course! Sure! Because the $750 is the early bird special. And the $775. Of course. Sure. Because the $750 is the early bird special. And the $775

is the slightly less early bird special. I believe that sequence is called the Fibonacci Brain Embolism. All right. Well done. Acier,

I know that you are excited about pornographic technology. Hell yeah. And Cheapskate, or, sorry, yes, Cheapskate is an over-provider here. He's done a lot of work. So you're going to have three options of pornographic technology to read. So whichever one of these you like better.

There's Super Fuck Friends. There's Sex Twin. And finally, Reverse Phone Sex. The Super Fuck Friends fight the Legion of Poon. While I like that, my brain cannot comprehend what reverse phone sex is. So let's investigate that.

Here we go. Reverse phone sex. You're pincer price. Suddenly I have invented reverse phone sex. I am pincer price. This is a straight other project apparently. So people, what's the worst part about calling up for phone sex actually don't answer that you dial the number hold for an operator provide your form of payment

etc by the time you're done with all the logistics the moment is gone you've already come yeah pretty much no that's not your problem okay never mind four six eight oh never mind i'm out of here if you don't well okay if you don't get off on bureaucracy, I mean, you know, if you're still in the mood, sometimes you just feel cheap after it's all said and done. Why? Well, because you had to call some random girl slash guy to make yourself feel better. Well, what if we flip that around? What if we had the operator call you?

Find this interesting? Well, let me tell you why. I want to give him, like, someone else's phone number and have him call you. Find this interesting? Well, let me tell you why. I want to give him, like, someone else's phone number and have him call me. That sounds great. Just getting hassled night and day. I'm so turned on right now. Wow, that's a sexy voice you got.

Thank you. I'm playing with my pussy. It's so wet. I don't like this episode of Adventure Time. Stop it. No, it's great. I want to have fucking put my mouth on your cock.

Wow. Have you seen Punch Drunk Love? Do you want that? Here you go. All right, keep going. So the goal of this service would be to provide users with a one-of-a-kind virtual sex experience. It's phone sex. Although, they will most certainly be paying for these phone

interactions, the process in which they sign up and utilize the service is flipped and to make it keep them guessing as to when their phone will ring. Sweet, it came during my IRS audit. Yeah. Hang on, Johnson, that's probably the account. I'm going to put this on speaker

The user would navigate to a website where they could view information about how the service works and sign up for an account When signed up and logged in, they would have the ability to fill their meter by purchasing minutes and it would also allow them to specify time slots for operators to call For instance, let's say someone purchases 30 minutes and wants to be called on Friday during a window of time, say 1am, 11am to 1pm.

If that time slot is available, the call will be scheduled. That's a phone sex operator that only works business hours. I really like the idea of phone sex being scheduled like fucking professional meetings. Yeah, well I was thinking like wait for the TV repair guy fucking professional meetings. Yeah, well, I was thinking, like, wait for the TV repair guy to show up. Yeah. So, anyway. What if your phone sex operator is acting like a TV repair

person? Boots, just reveal something about yourself because I'm willing to ignore that. Just because a TV repair person likes to put marshmallow in their mouth. Skip a paragraph. Because you just sort of reiterate

the same thing. Oh, so you're probably asking yourself one? That you want to skip that? Yeah, skip that one. Oh, okay. The user will have an idea of when they will receive a call, but they won't know the exact time. It's all about the anticipation and waiting.

It's like waiting for the cable guy to show up, but a thousand times better! What is it? Fucking hell! Life is horrible. Oh no, you're calling me and there's a hole in your pizza box. I wonder what's going on. Good brand identity means making your company... When people think of your company, they think of the

cable company. That's a good connection to make in people's minds. Oh, you're like Comcast? That's terrific. Yay. I like you. God damn it. You're going to get fucked by both of us. You know, I'm going...

I'm pushing it to the limit. I want to go all the way, $200. $200 for you right now. $200. What do I get? Well, thank you. You'll be the first one to have donated. Now, I will give you, for your $200, a promotion code to fill your meters with 100 minutes of phone sex that is so good,

it could possibly stop the space-time continuum. In fact, it would be so good, I'll give that to you August last year. No. So you did stop the space-time continuum. That's right. So, just to clarify something, every pledge

gets you an allotment of minutes of phone sex from the service. And every single pledge is on a $2 per minute charge. Yes. Right? So, like, you would say, oh, you know, you don't get anything for pledging more. But the $200 one is the only thing that's so good it could possibly stop the space-time continuum. Well, maybe that sex is too much for you and you have a weak heart,

so you could give me less money and it'll give you less good virtual phone sex. It's like a fucking phone sex limit break, I guess? Yeah. The idea is you buy time and they'll call you and then they deduct the amount of time that they've done telephone fucking for.

And then you can top up your phone thing. I need to fill up my go top up your fuck phone thing. I need to fill up my go phone with fuck my thing on a second. Yes! So Jack Check, you're also excited by new technology. Ooh, is he now?

Who is it? I have two... So I have two pieces of technology you might really like. Okay. So the first one is the world's first app for escorts, freelance sex, and mistresses. And the second one is...

The second one is Eterno, which is the revolutionary men's ejaculation delay and size cream. Oh, hell yeah. We're going with Eterno. Or, wait, wait, wait. I want to give you one more option. Yeah, seriously. I want to give you...

Oh, you know what? Again, cheapskate over provider. He's got a bunch. So keep those two in mind. I'm going to give you two more options. Okay. Okay? There's also Little Red Riding Slut.

Okay. And, sorry, one more. The Love Doll Transformation pre-order. Oh, is that the one? That's the one that I linked earlier. No, Cheapskate provided it. Quit taking credits. Yeah, well, that one's amazing,

but I think I've got to go with Eterno. All right. Eterno. I just remember one of the He-Man characters was named Fisto. Yes, he was. He had a large fist. Oh, my God.

He's kind of doomed to that life. If you think about it. We need the full name of this product. No image. Okay. So you're Eterno. Hey, guys! I'm Eterno! Hey, Eterno! I want to introduce you to my product.

It's really cool, okay? It's called the Eterno Revolutionary Men's Ejaculation Delay and Size Cream. Well, I already have an erection, so I... It is both a delay and a size cream. Okay, guys, so I'm looking for $15,000 for this. I only have 25 votes of the 610 that I'm going to need, so I need all of you to vote right now, okay?

On it, yep, you bet. Okay. Absolutely. We're doing it a bunch. Now, I know that... If the number doesn't. Okay. On it. Yep. You bet. Okay. Absolutely. All right. We're doing it a bunch. Now, now I know that. If the number doesn't change, it's because the site's fucked up. No, I know.

I know. I get it. I get it. I, you know, it's, it's off beater up to its old tricks again. It always does this and just, you know, just, I think what I need is I need to tell you about my product. Okay. Please.

Okay. My partner and I would care to start the production and distribution of a new men's ejaculation to gray delay cream called Eterno in the USA. Eterno is made in Malaysia, and that is all natural. Okay.

Okay. There are absolutely no anesthetics. All other products on the market use anesthetics. Eterno increases pleasure and delays ejaculation. If you want to delay ejaculation, why don't you just get a clothespin on your dick? So your pitch is, hey, put this on your dick. It doesn't have anesthetic in it.

Yeah, it's fine. Well, that sounds, I don't know, does that sound like a big deal? It doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Why the big deal? Unlike other delay products, this is all natural. Hint, no desensitizers. Unlike the other delay claims, you actually feel everything that is going on.

In most cases, it actually enhances feelings. It gives a stronger erection, delays, and is all natural and safe. And it makes your dick rainbow colored. All those bronies out there. Okay, so then they have some stuff about FDA regulation, and nobody cares about that, right? Yeah, because

I don't fucking believe it. Your passing FDA regulations means it's a natural product, so fuck it. So we're going to skip down a bit, okay? Eternal is a great product that, when applied to the penis before intercourse, anywhere from six hours up to intercourse, just in case you're... Okay? Gives you a delayed ejaculation, stronger erections, and enhanced erection.

We're not sure what that means, but, you know, we're going with it. We will not advertise this next tidbit because of the bad name other companies have given this effect, but it actually plumps the penis temporarily as well. Oh, that's a good word. Like putting a hot dog in the microwave. I don't... Why didn't you use that in your ad copy? Because you have to press buttons on the microwave, and Frank West doesn't like that.

Originally, we were going to call it the Eternal Revolutionary Men's Ejaculation Delay Penis Plumper and Size Cream. But it didn't focus well. But Michael Jordan wouldn't endorse it for some reason. It didn't do well in focus groups. My partner and I are based in Houston, Texas, and we have wanted to introduce Eternal to the marketplace for a while now.

We need your help in order to start the production into distribution slash marketing. Alright, so then there's a bunch of retail bullshit nobody cares about. Nope. What do we care about? What do we care about? I've spent time in the Middle East

registering medical and cosmeceutical products as well as the distribution and marketing. Cosmeceutical. That's the first time I've seen that word. You don't believe in cosmeceutics? I was fortunate enough to come across my Malaysian

counterpart that had this specific product in secret formula. I was very, very skeptical as I used other products before. This guy will literally slap anything on his fucking dick. He is the Ponce de Leon of

penis creams. I tried hot sauce, everything, and nothing seemed to work. I tried putting another dick on my dick, and it didn't work. I came right away. He even tried some of the sours last time, and that didn't work either. I haven't tried this specific brand of varnish. He's going to put Manic Panic on his fucking dog. Try Manic Panic.

There you go. I like that. Wait, did we make that same joke at the same time? Yes, you did. Wow. You guys are synced. Yeah, now you're funny again, dudes. Or at least you have Lemon's sense of humor.

Yeah, that's a lateral move. I had nothing to lose, so I tried it. Not only was it amazing, everyone else that I let try it loved it. The people you didn't let try it stole it in the night. Can you fucking imagine you go over to this dude's house to hang out and he's like, dude, I've got this amazing

dick cream. It's like a weird male version of Amway. It's like a Tupperware party but it's a dick cream party. Dude, you gotta come over to my Star Wars themed bedroom. All right, put this on your dick. It's going to take you forever to come.

Well, bye. All right, so you're looking for $15,000. What happens, theoretically, if you make it all the way to $30,000? Better pricing If we reach this goal, we can purchase in a larger volume Thus, when we go live on our site, we can offer a better price to the masses That sounds terrific What if we make $60,000?

Even better pricing It only gets better with more volume Because even better pricing on our website I'm so excited $100,000 Seriously, do you not want us to profit? Fine, after this goal is reached, and this goal only, my

partner and I shall get our cigars out and convene to pretend serious meeting to discuss how low we can go. You deserve it. Why not? Oh, good. $100,000 means you get to smoke a cigar. So, a potential donor,

the motivation is other people can't come. So you're like some sort of weird vampire or zombie or something that's wanting to spread this curse to others. I'm an erection vampire. What if you make it all the way to $350,000? Marketing goes epic! We would lease a Ferrari F430 Scuderia and slather it with car wrap consisting of inconspicuous penises and of course the

eternal logo at our website. The money would also cover insurance maintenance, rear tires, car wrap, subsequent blah blah blah. You fucking amateurs! You don't use a Ferrari F43 Scuderia, use a Lamborghini! That is a dick car! That is a car for dicks.

Use that. I think this is Ace years ago. His knees do not bend backwards. I like the, you know, how far up do the tiers of rewards go? Yeah, yeah. You're trying to raise $350,000. What's the top tier? You must have some pretty good rewards in there.

Mm-hmm. We do, we do, we do. So if you pledge. What's your best reward? $50 or more. Only $50. You get five bottles of Eterno. I don't think

they did the math on these. You open the five bottles of Eterno, the world shall end. They did. Do you have any questions at all about Eterno? I can't imagine you would. I've covered everything pretty extensively.

I think there might be some questions. Now, wait a minute, Jack Chick. Isn't this like every other ejaculation delay product on the market? No! All ejaculation delay products currently on the market contain anesthetic. In short, it literally makes your penis numb so that you can't feel anything, and in turn cannot be pleasured enough to ejaculate. While this works for your partner, it does not work for you. In turn, it was

all natural. All natural, Isfahan. No anesthetics and no bull. So is Cobra Ben. There's no poisons in the natural world. You fucking mutant. I like how Jack took his brow browbeating me about this question. I can't believe you asked me such a stupid question.

Uh, hey, uh, I just have a question. Eterno contains natural ingredients sourced from the lake. No, I have a question. But I need to tell you about the plumping penis. No, I feel like I've heard that. Hey, what if I receive oral sex with the Eterno applied? Oh, God, that's a good question. Her jaw will go slack.

Dear Mr. Lucky, Eterno is safe and natural. You can literally eat it. Hey! So it is that way. I just asked a question. I wouldn't, as it is is bitter But it's worth your money It's your money We promise this product is totally safe

Totally natural If you wash it off with water Then the taste should not be present to your partner And has somewhat of a minty smell Think menthol It's not bad In fact it probably smells better than what you might be hiding there anyway The ingredients of Eternal were registered with the FDA

Food and Drug Administration of the United States, Malaysia, a producing country, Germany, and multiple countries across the Middle East. This product has been proven to be very safe. Yeah, I'm concerned about the consequences of this shit that I'm

smearing all over my neck. Oh, now you are. There's no reason to be sure. Are there any side effects? Your partner will love you more. Shit, no deal. No, really. I don't want her getting all clingy on me.

What do you think Katara was made of? I'm going to go with Cheeto dust. Wait, wait, I'm sorry. Can you phrase that in a better worded question for Jack Chick? Is that actually a fucking question? Okay, hang on. It's the last question.

I'm sorry, you had a question? Yeah, sorry. Ingredients? And steal my idea? Water, propylene, glycol, carbamercananga, rogatabla, yadda yadda yadda. Who cares? Seriously, all the ingredients are safe for human consumption. As I said before, you can even eat this stuff.

I don't suggest you do. It's unappetizingly bitter. All the ingredients pass when we register with the USA FDA Food and Drug Administration. In the years we distributed and used and distributed this product, we've not had any negative reactions. Since we distributed and used and distributed this product, we've not had any negative reactions. We only complain we have received very few is tingling when applying too much, which was alleviated by using less. Also by not watching the tingler while you were applying the dick cream. The tingler.

Kooloo Limpaw, motherfucker. So, like, ingredient number two is antifreeze. Well, yes, the ingredients are apparently, like, water and antifreeze. Well, yes, the ingredients are apparently water, antifreeze, and oil. Natural, also yada yada. You can just eat it. It's fine. So, you just shove it up your cock.

It's got three carbons, eight hydrogens, and two oxygens. Totally safe. Oh, you got me there. It's all natural. Before we close out I just want to Give you the movie pitch For the movie Or maybe website

Who knows But it's a movie I think I don't know I'm confused by it But it's called The Elephant in the Room I know it's gay I know it's porn. That's really all I can tell you.

Does it have something to do with a really big dick? But we're just going to give you the opening scene right now. This is the opening scene from The Elephant in the Room. Boots, you will be playing the part of John. And Portax, you will be playing the part of Mr. Stoke. Of course. There's also a Reverend Jorgensen, I should add. All right, then, ACR, you are Reverend Jorgensen.

All right. It's the role you were always born to play. All right, hang on. You all set? Hang on. Okay, elephant in the room. We'll get this fucking link. It's a fucking link.

I'm going to recast it. Stop. It's fine. I'm poking right now. There's a porn version of Terminator I linked previously. Is it called Sperminator? It's called Sperminator, isn't it? No, it's the Diverginator.

Oh, yeah. Are we ready? Who is Mr. Stok? Is that me? Stok, maybe? So that was Mr. Stock? Is that me? Yes. Stoke, maybe? Who knows? Mr. Stoke.

Stoke. All right. Mr. Stoke. So let me set the scene. We'll be filming different times of stories and locations through the U.S., but we would like to start off

the story of Elephant in the Room! This is a draft of the script, and it is still in the process of completion. John Lee Wright is a Georgia state senator who is 30 years old he is he's the author of this story no no he's not because he is a rising star in the gop he is serving his first term and will be facing re-election in just a few months john lives in a very conservative district with his wife,

who also happens to be his high school sweetheart. A photo of John and his wife is prominently displayed on the desk. John has a young Latin assistant named Rico. John is on the phone while Rico is sucking him off. Oh. Okay. Yes, Mr. Stock. The immigration bill is running into hurdles

at every possible turn, per your request. Great work, Mr. Stock. The immigration bill is running into hurdles at every possible turn, per your request. Great work, John. It's good to know that boys such as yourself are putting my money to good use. Listen, John, you keep this up and you might just one day become presidential material. Thank you, Mr. Stock. I'm always happy to serve my biggest donors. There is a second call. Rev Jorgensen. It's always good to hear from you.

Likewise. I always enjoy talking to my favorite boy senator. Robin? You're a very chipper, Reverend. Just like real people talk. Yeah. What can I do very chipper, Reverend. Just like real people talk. Yeah. What can I do for you today, Reverend? I had a short talk with your wife, Tracy,

and, well, she was complaining about a lack of attention in the bedroom. Like all people do. Oh, well, all I can say, Reverend, is that I've been very busy, and no matter what happens, my wife is the most important thing in the world to me. Rico bites him playfully. Ah!

Chomp! Playfully! Of course! Nothing should take precedent over your work! By the way, how are your efforts and hindering the gay lobby going? Hindering? Yeah, because, you know, they're gay.

Anyway. You see? I bit down on that joke. Yes, you did. Extremely well. With Mia the Vanguard, traditional marriage is

sure to be the law of Georgia for our lifetimes. John, are you on the toilet? She's just being touched by God. I'm assuming that's how the average GOP senator comes. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Fantastic. He had some Eterno on him. I'm sorry I'm so sorry fantastic I'm just fine

it's all natural just thought I'd let you know that we're having a defensive marriage picnic this weekend can you make it I'll come alright come come now let me tell you about our stretch goals Come! Come! He's out of the phone!

Now let me tell you about our stretch goals. And then Rico comes out from underneath the desk and he's like, Oh, this tastes a little bitter. Tastes like antifreeze. And then the camera goes back and forth and the laughing dancers come out. We're writing a much better weird game. That's not laughing. That's Benny Hill. God. Jesus.

Become more familiar with old television. Fuck you. Hey, so F+, let me ask you a question. Yes. What did we learn from all of this? There's a lot of people willing to spend a lot of money to get porn when they could just go to a free porn website.

I don't know, because that's actually the thing that I'm noticing right now, is that the site's new, so there are some donations, but if you look through the projects, like, a lot of them aren't, like, there doesn't seem to be the interest. Yeah, you know, actually, a lot of them didn't even get past the voting stage unless it was furry. Yeah, yeah, that's definitely, that totally seems to help. Yeah, yeah, it seems like the things that succeed are the things that already exist in the world that you wouldn't really need to...

That's Kickstarter for you. Yeah, you're right. So that bench should make another version of the bench that's just for tying fursuits down. Yeah. That's how you handle it. That's what they should have done for every single product. Just be like, oh, it's dick cream.

That works. It's numbing. If you're a furry. Only if you're a furry. Furry, John. Yes, thank you, furry senator. Furry reference. Is that a furry fortnight where they're getting all this fucking money from?

Because it seems like they can always pay for this furry stuff. Is there like a hidden diamond mine? I didn't realize yet that the top 1% earners in the United States are all furries. Really? That's the thing. I don't know if this is an unfair stereotype that I'd have, but I would expect that your furry hyperperverts are also people without a lot of disposable income, or is that an unkind thought?

It could just be really bad with money. I think some of them are bad with money, but there's quite a number of them that work in industries where you don't need social skills, such as IT. That's true. And sometimes that can pay pretty well. Yeah. You spend a lot of time programming. You don't know what to do with your money. You haven't got the skills to meet people.

I don't know what to do with your money. You haven't got the skills to meet people. I don't know. IT does require actual being able to do things occasionally, and that's not the sense that I get from porn. Well, maybe there's a Robin Hood out there, and by Robin Hood, of course, I mean Disney's Robin Hood, that goes in there and steals money from the 1% and distributes it to his fellow Fox brethren. Well, also, like,

the format of this is... There's one ridiculous benefactor, just like... Bill Gates has been funding the whole furry movement secretly for years. Great expectations, only it's like

awful expectations. Lowered expectations. Yeah, so only it's like awful expectations lowered expectations yeah so that's what we got there's so much more there's a bunch more in the doc there is projects such as naughty knee pads so if you want to give somebody a blowjob

but you need knee pads to give somebody a blowjob but you want them to be sexy if they're not furry compatible, no deal. so the summary of the successful projects is cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, cartoon