The F Plus - 140: Is There Anyone With A Life on Mars?

Episode Date: June 20, 2014

-=ATTENTION EARTH PLEASE STAND BY FOR THE FOLLOWING URGENT MESSAGE Mars needs poets. Also copywriters. Because maybe if we draft better letters than this one we can hopefully get a couple people with some useful skills END TRANSMISSION=- This week, The F Plus' wives won't mind if we leave forever.

And besides, as Robert A. Heinlein wrote, said, said, said, in his novel Time Enough for Love. Oh. Before you see, nothing ever happens on Mars. No sports or entertainment or strength and power. You stand around, you stand some more. On the planet named for a Roman god of war. Welcome to the NF+, your favorite earthly podcast for terrible things rather than enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear.

The Martian constitution should include the right to education free of bureaucratic brainwashing. Poor Tex. The right to face one's accusers. John Toast. The right to be free of chattel slavery. The right to build, develop natural resources and improve nature. The right to self-government by direct voting. The right to be free from extortionate lawsuits. Nothing ever happens on Mars. No supersonic airplanes, no sporty cars.

The sun comes up, the sun goes down. You can't go to the country, you can't go to town. Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring. AF Plus. Hey, Lemon. Hey, Lemon. How are your places that you live? Is your hometown, is it a good place?

Do you have local pride? It's all right. Sure. I have not been outside of this apartment in about six days. I'm not proud of that. So very local pride. Mine has a Chili's and an Applebee's. Portex has living room pride.

Well, that's exciting. I want to tell you about a fun place that you could all move to, like, soon. Like, very, very, very soon. Oh, is it a water slide staffed by puppies? Nope. Not that. The correct answer is Mars. Mars the planet, I mean.

We are going to be looking at this Indiegogo project for a mission to Mars. They are looking for $400,000. And if they get it, we're all going to Mars. All of us? I mean, well, the ones that donate the correct amount are going to Mars. Oh, I see. They almost reached their funding goal, but they didn't. It's flexible funding.

So anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves. All right. So this is the Indiegogo project. Mars One, the first private Mars mission in 2018. Mars One will establish a human settlement on Mars. You can participate in the first major step, a private Mars lander and satellite mission in 2018. This project was started in the Netherlands. And Boots, if you'll start us off with this, please.

Sure. I'm here to introduce Mars One, the first private Mars mission in 2018. Mars One will establish a human settlement on Mars. You can participate in the first major step, a private Mars lander and satellite mission in 2018. Me? Yes, you. Mars, here we come. The Mars One Foundation will establish a permanent human settlement on Mars.

Mars One gives you the opportunity to participate in this historic project. This can be your mission to Mars. Mars 1 gives you the opportunity to participate in this historic project. This can be your mission to Mars. But there's so many other missions to Mars to choose from. The next giant leap for mankind. See what I did there? Alright, would you just tell me about the Q&A?

Yeah. So what if Mars 1 only gains part of the funds? And by the way, this is actually a good question to ask, because you were looking for $400,000, right? Yes, I was. I was. And when was your deadline? February 9th, 2014.

Okay, that's past. Yeah. And how much money did you raise? $313,744. Anywhere else, that would be a failure, but... But no, I'm on Indiegogo. There's no such thing as a failure. That money is in my pocket.

Just to put things in perspective, the initial funding amount for the Pebble Watch was $100,000. So it's either a mission to Mars or four Pebble Watches. It's about the same thing. It's about the same thing. It's about the same thing. Well, when you show up on Mars and the Martians will be like, what'd you bring me? Go to the smartphone.

Fuck you. Seen that. Pebble Watch. Hey, what if Mars One only gains part of the funds for this crowdfunding campaign? Oh, Mars One does not rely on the crowdfunding for financing these studies. What? The contributions will help us achieve our goals more rapidly. Mars One has split up the work into parts.

The current contracts cover the first steps in the 2018 mission. Lockheed Martin has started working on the mission concept for our 2018 lander mission. Okay. Okay. Yeah, Mars One will gain funds to send humans and cargo to Mars in a variety of ways. Mars One is a private and non-governmental initiative. Anyone interested can contribute in realizing the mission.

Other than crowdfunding, the means of funding are as follows, not limited to exclusive partnerships, sponsorships, sales of broadcasting rights, involvement with high net worth individuals, revenues from intellectual property. Intellectual property? Like Martian television programs? Uh, yes. So why crowdfunding if you have other means of funding? We want this to be humankind's mission to Mars

and want to give everybody the opportunity to participate in space exploration. Crowdfunding helps Mars One to achieve our next financial goals more rapidly, but more importantly, it is a great way to involve the world. Oh, the whole world is involved. Well, lucky Martin. So, yeah. I've got some money. I've got some money. Hey, Marshy.

Oh, yeah. I'll take your money. Here's a good place to spend it. Thank you for all the money. Yeah, I've got $95 and that homeless guy outside, you know, my apartment building, he's not going to get it, so I figured you could have it. Sure. What do I get? You get a parachute message to Mars. Yay?

Okay. Yeah, tweet to Mars, your personal 140-character message will go down in history as it will be printed directly on the parachute of the Mars One lander. What does that mean exactly? Yeah, what does that mean exactly? Well, this means your message will land on Mars and remain there possibly forever. You'll receive a certificate of participation.

So if they land and set up a colony, they're not ever going to clean up the debris from the first parachute that lands. Like, we're immediately going to litter? That's why we're going to that planet. Guys, I think that we really need to ask the hard-hitting question here, which is, if this is similar to, like, you know, an air show, are they going to play Rocky like a hurricane as they descend to the planet? air show, are they going to play Rocky like a hurricane as they descend

to the planet? And now the Blue Martians! Hey, hey, hey, wait. Hey, sir, sir, get out of the way, poor Texan. Out of my way, peasant. I have $800. What are you getting? Oh, $800. You'll get an XXL laser-engraved outpost.

As I should. What? That gives me a plus five to attack on all my alien enemies. It's a heavyweight and momentous artifact to display your support of the Mars One mission. This incredible laser-engraved glass block features the habitat the astronauts will live in on Mars. This 20-pound 9-kilogram perk

measures 9 by 9 by 2.4 inches. That's XXL, alright. Yeah. The top view displays the Mars One logo, and it is engraved with, The Next Giant Leap for Mankind. Good God. Oh, Neil Armstrong sues you. Oh, with the next giant leap for mankind. Good God. If you're a round two candidate.

Oh, Neil Armstrong sues you. Oh, I get it now. So this is like a paperweight with the little, like the outpost inside of it, like engraved. I thought this was like a giant glass block they put on the planet, but nope. No, no, no, you're purchasing an $800 paperweight. No, this is a giant glass block

that's going to take up space on Earth. Oh, well, fuck that. So, can we, like, okay, uh, do we, here, because here we are, at the beginning of the episode here, and we're talking about a mission to Mars, funded on Indiegogo, like,

layers of bullshit here. What, what's the actual, can you, do you have a guess on what funded on Indiegogo. Like, layers of bullshit here. What's the actual... Can you... Do you have a guess on what the thing is that they're ostensibly selling? Well, they're selling real estate on Mars akin to how the people of Malatoro were wanting to get people to live

on some random island. Yeah, but that's not what the Indiegogo thing's selling. They're not selling anything. Yeah, they're selling the possibility of going to Mars, quote-unquote, and then the perks... Yeah, but you can't buy from them

a possibility of it, though. No. You buy from them the possibility for them to go to Mars. Yeah, and that's fine, but you're essentially buying the perks, and then I guess you want your name to go down in history of... Is that what it is? It's a bunch of, like, Lockheed Martin engineers that have just decided to sell swag for the

possibility of them landing publicly on Mars? Sure, there's Lockheed Martin engineers that only have two homes, and that's very sad for them. So they decided to print t-shirts to sell some extra, to make some extra bucks. Like all of us, we're turning to something else.

You know, we all gotta get some extra income. Some people have to take night security jobs. Other people sell glass blocks to assholes. I'm going to start a company that does, I'm going to call it Glass Holes. That name's already taken.

That name is so already taken. So they're trying to go in 2018. So, like, are we going to have to revisit this in eight years? At which point we'll all look silly. You know, just like, oh, they were right. They were totally telling the truth. It's only four more years.

Only four more years. Yeah, I assumed you meant another four years for, like, proper retrospective, you know? Oh, sure. Oh, that too. You know what this is? This is the story that Ray Bradbury typed up, took a look at, then went, nah, and then it's a couple of times. Well, really, guys, I think I'm actually getting excited about the concept of an F-plus clip show.

I'm excited that you're excited because there's more sites to look at. For example, MarsOneFans.com. MarsOneFans.com is a forum, and there's a lot of people that are enthusiastic about Mars One, this exciting... There's some guy with the last name Marsoni who accidentally came to the site and was really disappointed. Finally, someone's found out about Vidi Marsoni. Oh, man. I thought they were talking about me. Anyway, my name's

Ed. I'm an administrator of the site, which means that I've posted 23 whole times. So... Ice chewers all over again. Would you volunteer to go to Mars for the Mars One project?

MarsOneFans.com I'm gonna go with no. Anyone here enthusiastic about the idea? Hey, BugsBunnyFans.com What do you thought, Sun Looney Tunes? Anyway, would you be willing to leave all of your friends and family to go to Mars? You would be one of the first humans to step foot on the Red Planet.

However, it would also mean that you would have to live the rest of your life in a new society on Mars. We would no longer be able to see or be with your friends slash family other than phone slash internet. Would you go? Please also consider introduce yourself here! Can I break

my Xbox, please? Portex, you are Mars Direct. Mars Direct. My name is Mars Direct. Hi. Yeah, hi. I would really like to go to Mars. Alright. I'm Mars Direct. I want to go to Mars.

I've been preparing myself for the last couple of years to do that goal. I am married. My wife and I have talked about this, and she's a strong supporter of that goal. I am married. My wife and I have talked about this, and she's a strong supporter of that goal. Yes, dear. If you want to go to Mars, that's fine. You want to go away forever?

Is it really forever? You'll never get to talk to me about Mars? There are a number of arguments here. Most of them fall into the category of philosophy and psychology, which for a mission like this cannot be understated. If an individual is not in the right frame

of mind, married, unmarried, old or young, they won't want to be an effective member to the team. You see? If I were selected, the time my wife and I have been married will have been about 25 years. That's a good time, given current marital duration statistics. What?

That is an adequate amount of marriage time. I want to go to Mars. Return me to Mars. Have the other candidates been married for at least 25 years? Also, marriages exist for a number of different reasons. Love, convenience, a partnership, obligation to children, etc. Jesus. This is about Mars for some reason.

If an individual shows a long-time commitment to a partnership, I say that is a plus in a selection criteria. If the person is social and can work as a team member under strained circumstances... Stop, stop, stop, stop. You had me at selection criteria if the person is social and can work as a team member under strange circumstances. Stop, stop, stop, stop. You had me at selection criteria. You're hired. I said my greatest weakness is that I care too much about my marriage.

I think we're good there. Adam, on page 12, there's a post by Atomics for you Actually, sorry, can we go back to Tamara's direct and just read the last sentence Alright, here we go 25 years is a good marriage

And another man would be so lucky To be able to spend the rest of my wife's life with her Jesus Christ Oh my god His wife's a lesbian I hope so So Adam, you are Atomics. Okay.

They're on page 12. Well, I've had a good think about it, and yes, I would definitely go on this mission. Thanks for considering. Why? Well, that is a deep and personal question. Believe me when I say, no matter how contrived on cliche these reasons may sound, I fully mean them all. For the adventure. What?

The experience. To make a difference. To make sure it works. Difference. To achieve. To help. To be useful. For the sense of purpose.

Is this that Muse song for the 2012 Olympics? purpose. Is this that Muse song for the 2012 Olympics? To make a difference! To make sure it works! That just sounds like a car commercial. That's a Muse song. A Muse song is a car commercial. For the

pursuit worthy of my full dedication. To see it through. To be a part of something big. To ensure it through. To be a part of something big. To ensure the future. Jesus Christ. To fulfill my potential. For the

greater good. For the good of all cheese graters. For my own gratification. Oh yeah, I'm gonna come on Mars. I've never masturbated in a toxic atmosphere. That's not true. Why would I be a suitable candidate? Why?

I am balanced, centered, intelligent, calm in a crisis. I am always optimistic. Mm-hmm. I am. Calm in a crisis. I am always optimistic. I am exceptionally tolerant of other people. I wish they would return the favor. I am introverted. Self-aware. I thrive of new ideas, philosophies, experiences. To better explain the last sentence, I'll make a quick example.

It wasn't a sentence. I've been looking at Eastern philosophy, myself being English. I have briefly studied Hinduism and Buddhism. These new cultural ideas are fascinating. Thanks to every roommate I've ever had. Hey, Buddha is like, we should be really calm, man. You know? What's up?

I like that I have briefly studied a thousands year old eastern religion i think i got the hang of it yeah yeah yeah fat guy immortal life i get it i like that he's calling him new cultural ideas like yeah buddhism that's a new one right i know you're not sure if i should go to mars but after listening to some steely dan i looked up the wikipedia article for Bodhisattva once. Bodhisattva, let me get on your Martian plane! My friend had to read Siddhartha in high school, so... So Mars, right? Yeah? We're good?

The simple notion of how light implies dark. How the word yes implies no. That's not a word. No, it's a phrase. Yes implies no. That's not a word. No, it's a phrase. Yes implies no. That's true. What? And how the notion of self implies other. I can see clearly that through other people I know myself.

Who you are defines who I am. No, because I am not an insufferable cunt. Some might disagree. Yeah, about that. How I do this ritual determines what kind of cartoon pony my temple will be. For how can I be someone

who like freeze-dried potato rations without you who hates it? What the fuck does that have to do with anything? He's just talking about how much he likes Pringles. In other words, I don't feel threatened by people who are different to me. And can love all life no matter how alien. Good Captain Kirk here.

I get on with everyone I meet. I don't get annoyed. I don't get angry. Dripping taps or the cap being left off the toothpaste do not consume my thoughts. I am very rational. Mentally disciplined. I am used to being alone. I have conquered the depths of my mind.

I have experienced and can cope with trauma and pain. Stop laughing. I will never go mad. I can see my head when all around lose theirs. Lose theirs. They lose their heads. I do not doth protest too much.

I can fuck that one guy's wife. No, he can't. He's used to being alone. So is she. Also, smiley face, I have no ties. No commitments. The closest people to me are my family. What?

Yep. I have no ties except for my stupid family. Mom, dad, brother, sister. He just means they're nearby, like he's in the same room as them. Yeah, yeah. Oh, they're close. No, I mean, they're upstairs. I have their blessings for this mission as they know it would be my calling.

Mother, father, brother, and sister, I would like to go to Mars. It's like, yes, please go. I am technically minded and trained to degree level in industrial design. My IQ is 137. Yeah, your IQ is 137, you don't know how to spell bored, and you begin paragraphs with ellipses. Shut up. I have spent 10 years in higher education. Wait, wait, wait, you have a degree?

You just have one degree, and you've spent 10? Well, that's his 134 IQ coming into play. In the four years of high school counts. Ability to rapidly go through school. I am a good learner. Yep. Mm-hmm. With a propensity for technical disciplines.

Sure. I have many hobbies from sculpture to poetry and can always find something interesting to do. I don't get bored. Holy shit, can you get it spelled wrong? He's staring at a plank of wood. He's like, I don't understand it. I'm 34 years old. I have a good physique. I am, however, a plank of wood. He's like, I don't understand it. I'm 34 years old.

I have a good physique. I am, however, currently out of shape. I am in great shape. I am bad. I have a good physique stored in my closet. It was someone else's before. Their soul left their body before I took it. I look great in an overcoat.

If I were selected for this mission, I would need technical and physical training. Mentally, however, I think I am already very strong for this type of life. Signed, Tom. Man, after Myspace didn't work out, he went off the deep end.

Now that I have friended everyone on Earth, the only choice is to go to Mars. All right. Should we go around the Mars One fans and have them all introduce themselves? Yeah. Let's go into orbit. Let's meet the team. So, John, you are Weebolos, I think. Oebolos.

Oebolos. Your avatar is Mars, but it's a thumbprint. Sure. Anyway. So I get to introduce myself, right? Yeah, absolutely. Let's make this happen. Ahoy!

God damn it. Yep. So, let's have a thread for personal introduction here. Let's not. I'll start, quite obviously, smiley face. Ass. I'm a German male, and I'm into space advocacy via Mars Society,

Planetary Society, and different initiatives. Mars to stay. And projects involved in pushing initiatives. Mars to stay. And projects involved in pushing space and Mars science forward. So I got some questions for you that you've written for me to read to you. Okay.

Would you join Mars to go out and live on Mars? I would. But I wouldn't join the first three teams as I'm too much of a social guy. Dealing with less than 12 people for roughly two years would make me go mad pretty fast. It would make me do crazy things, like try to take a rocket

ship to Earth. I'm the guy in the reality show who is here to make friends. I'd definitely help establishing a colony on Mars, but first I'd want to organize some crucial things for the mission here on Earth and help keep it all going. And the possibility of a safe return

would be essential to me, as I intend to spend the evening of my life back on Earth, in my home at the Baltic Sea coast of Northern Germany. No, I'd love to go. I just need to finish the season of Madden. Hey, what would you invent for Mars One? I'd love to see the first Martian skyscraper in a dome hall.

Since I'm doing sketches and renderings from time to time, it'd be a great pleasure to create such an environment. Such a Martian city, if I can turn a phrase, would resemble the Hanging Gardens of Babylon a lot. The Hanging Gardens doesn't exist, so I guess technically he's right. I fucking hate this bullshit where no matter what project it is, someone's like, I'll do the DeviantArt fan art for it! Honey, honey, you say that, but you haven't seen my sketches yet. Oh, God. Once you've seen them, you'll change your mind.

Well, as I'd like to see as much nature on Mars as possible to create the desire to fill even the smallest gaps on Mars with the seeds of life brought from Earth. Stop jerking off on Mars, also. I don't like that either. I never will. There's so much unintended inn don't like that either. I never will. There's so much unintended innuendo

in that sentence. What do you mean? I don't get it. Shit. Oh, sorry. Is there an event that you'd want to see happening on Mars?

Ooh, the first Martian football match ever. Martians versus Earthlings. Sunglasses, smiley face. There's no such thing as Martians. There will be after I'm done jizzing on the whole thing. The Earthlings

versus cum puddles. Why not like terraforming? We are able to grow crops now. What's your biggest concern about Mars One? That one unforeseen event could happen. One astronaut dying, a technical failure, someone losing mental control, etc. Then only one event could happen. Steve Buscemi could be on it.

Boo. Well, and they would endanger the whole mission. If this would happen during the early stages of the project, it could quite possibly mean the end of it. Yeah. Just saying. project, it could quite possibly mean the end of it. Just saying. And this has to be avoided at all costs by the highest

possible security and only the most thoughtful decisions taken. Yeah, and by the elite super bad guys with the super guns to make sure that nothing goes wrong. Yeah, fucking... I've got this entire plan sorted out for going to Mars. Okay, we're gonna have football there. And if anything goes wrong,

we can get help from the Citadel. Honey, I've watched Event Horizon like 50 times. I know how these things go down. Also, I played Doom once. When I go to Mars, I'm gonna live on the face. I got two windows looking out the nostrils of that

face. Portex. You'll take Spendrifter. Spindrifter. Spindrifter. A Martian invention? All right. It's not so much an invention, but I'd like to write or create some of the first Martian art.

Priority number one. Especially performed art. Drama, dance, music. I'm thinking some, you know, maybe mimes. Yeah. Does your society have beaded bracelets and

fish CDs yet? Okay, look, this is very important. There has to be at least four astronauts. Otherwise, Martian Jersey boys will never get off the ground. Don't say Macbeth inside of the shuttle. Don't say Macbeth inside the shuttle. A Martian event to witness? The first Martian mountain climb.

Taking advantage of the unique Martian mountain climb, taking advantage of the unique Martian terrain and necessarily implying the leisure and resources that would indicate an essentially successful mission, perhaps to mark such a success. Coming on it again. Just be jizzing all over that mountain. Oh, what's your greatest concern? It was definitely addressed in the other thread.

The notion that the colony would be entirely dependent on terrestrial aid for a long time. And that something might interrupt that assistance, potentially doing the colonists by fault of Earthside concerns. It's okay to say dying. My greatest concern, probably dying horribly. How would you help?

Earthside? No, Martian side. You were talking about Mars, you stupid idiot. Oh, sorry. I would be of most good in either a production role. I have a great deal of theatrical technician experience. I wasn't kidding about the Martian Shakespeare stuff, Boots. The asteroids are coming.

Someone activate the flash pots. So in the scale of doing Martian art, you're going to assist in set design and be a stage manager? Two minutes to launch. Oh, God. Oh, God. Our orbit calculations are off. We're going down to the planet. Okay, everybody. Everybody join in. Defying gravity. Let's see. We've got all these stage lights.

We should probably put red gels in all of them. Yeah, that's good. Where I could help create the media product, or as an advocate, as people have probably seen, I eagerly and, I hope, articulately, commas, defend the ethics and idea of a Martian colony. And I think I would be of value working towards those goals. You wouldn't. You aren't here. You wouldn't be there.

You are not of value. I really like this write-up for Waiting for Guffman 2020. You are not of value. I really like this write-up for Waiting for Guffman 2020. Adam, if you'll scroll down to the top of page one there, there is the post by Prior Design. But Prior Design doesn't matter. What matters is that you're going to read the first and last paragraph of Prior Design's post,

which is basically every post in this thread. This is really... This is something that happens over and over again in this thread. Okay. So the first part and then the last part. Yeah, the first and the last.

Who am I? I am a 22-year-old male. I have a Bachelor's of Arts degree in graphic design. I love sci-fi and everything it represents. I love art and design. I also love to sail. I work for a tech startup out of Charlotte, North Carolina.

What could I contribute or think of to get Marswood going? What could I contribute or think of to get Marswood going? Yeah, what could you contribute? As I stated previously, I would love to make contributions related to my field of graphic design. I use those products in the Adobe Suite, including Illustrator and Photoshop. Please message me if you're curious about a project that might help, or just some questions I may be able to help with.

I look forward to following this project and getting to know others who support this mission. Let's get to Mars, guys. It's important we have some bitchin' decals on the side of the shuttle. Shut up. Do you guys have letterhead for the different pods yet? Do you guys have menus for the canteens yet? Does the shuttle have the full Creative Cloud license or just the Photoshop one? I guess I could work with that.

I mean, like, I like to use InDesign, like, if you got it. If I cut off everyone's hands, just everyone in the world, will it stop people like this from existing? Nope, not at all. Well, I'm still going to try. Then we'd just be reading from the forum of people who learn how to use Photoshop with their dicks. This is what happens when you watch too much Star Wars. So Jack Chick, if you'll go to Kurt Thole, K-U-R-T-T-H-O-H-L. Kurt Hole.

Oh, wow. I actually had that pulled up already. That's Kurt Hole. Oh, good. Good, good, good. Not applying for this opportunity makes me sick! Then apply for it. No! I like to feel the sickness.

But I am working on the molecular genetics of aging. What? I feel like I'm making real progress, so I have no choice but to stay on Earth. All right, I figured this out. There are molecules, and they have genetics, and they make you age. I feel like I got the hang of this now.

Maybe, maybe, when I'm 80, they'll let me go as a politician in order to keep all you Martians honest. So Mars doesn't get wrecked like Earth by a bunch of lying, rotten politicians. The CIA has a lie detector which monitors brain waves

and is about 99% accurate. And the future surely holds even more accurate lie detection. In the future, any Mars political candidate who does not happily hook themselves up to the thing and answer all questions, darn well better. Not even be considered by one martian all cia agents have to take lie detector tests and so should all politicians then i don't even want to hear different okay it's weird it's weird usually the crazy people are not in favor of the cia mind reader devices it's weird to have one on the other side here well the thing. The only thing that's going to take down the corrupt Martians are the corrupt Earthlings.

That's a good point. We need politicians like that, though, because I once saw in this documentary that a bunch of aliens came to Earth and stole the basketball talent from a bunch of guys. That's true. That was like our 20th Space Jam reference. Congratulations, I got balloons.

That's not the right song for that. Wait, wait, wait, wait a second. Okay, no diggity. Okay, I see. All right. Oh, yeah, so, oh, there was one more here. It was Hunter Yarbror. Yarbror. Yarbror.

Yarbror. You're fucking terrible at reading names. Fuck you, bots. Anyway, my name's Hunter Name, and Boots, do you have any questions for me? Wait, no, let me tell you a little bit

about myself first, okay? Thanks. Okay, my name's's hi my name is hunter i'm 18 smart and physically healthy i am currently on summer break but i will be attending college to get a degree in pastoral ministries in the fall i use my spare time to research does he go to college in medieval Italy? What is that? Pastoral ministries. I use my spare time to research topics that are of intense research to me, such as this. That's a sentence. I excel at lateral thinking.

Not a sentence. I am a hard worker and have a natural ability to pick up on things quickly. I am young and in the prime of my life. I could represent my generation and show that not all of us are lazy good-for-nothing. I have vision and enthusiasm and eager hands to be part of something like this. Eager hands? Hunter, I got a question for you.

Yeah, what's that? What would you invent for Mars One? What would I invent for Mars One? Okay, I am a somewhat aspiring writer. Oh, what's that? What would you invent for Mars One? What would I invent for Mars One? Okay, I am a somewhat aspiring writer. Oh my god! Can I, can I, okay, Portex, can I be you for this segment? Yes, please, go. Somewhat an aspiring, somewhat

an aspiring writer. I, I'm aspiring to be an aspiring writer one day. Um, I don't write. I would like to, though. Okay, so as, so you asked me specifically what I would invent. Okay, I would write a book about being on Mars.

I am an expert of that right now. Oh, I have a title, by the way. Memoirs of Mars? Gosh. I would call it The Chronicles of Mars I'm the first person who's done this And living in close proximity

To three other people I would write about the effects On their hearts And their minds and psyche And personality I would also write about when they murdered me And chopped me up for fuel Because I was actually a complete drain

on resources. I like the Mars mission if it actually runs on humans. If it ran on people like this, then yes. My book will be called The Donner Party in Space! We're gonna eliminate our dependency on foreign oil by powering all our machines with douchebags.

Yeah. I got another question for you. Sure. Yeah. What? What could you contribute? That's a terrific question. Thank you for asking me that.

Well, I mean, really, first off, we'd need to know what his weight and muscle mass were. Nope. You don't need to know that. Bone density. He's either too much or too little, I'm sure. Don't need to know that his weight and muscle mass were. Nope, you don't need to know that. Bone density. He's either too much or too little, I'm sure. Don't need to know that. How well he marinates. Don't need to know that.

I'm worried about dust storms on Mars. But anyway, okay, so what could I contribute? This is a great program with a great goal. With all great goals, there will be those that protest it. Okay? Sure, sure. I don't think anybody's going to fight the idea of you going to Mars.

In this instance, there will be many from the religious community. Okay? Seeing how I am part of that community, I could waylay those arguments and protest. Hey, hey, everybody who's religious, it's cool. God told me it's cool. Okay, see ya.

I could be the one to stop religious fighting. It's me, the one who's stopping everything. Yeah. Kind of like Jesus, but that's no big deal. Like Jesus, but on a different planet. Every theological problem about this is solved because I am actually Jesus. All right, we're cool? Yeah, we're cool.

See ya. So I could provide evidence as to why this doesn't, quote, go against God's will. I'm quoting somebody in the future. And I could garner support from the Christian population as they would almost certainly not be a... Oh, did somebody shoot themselves in the head? I swore to God I had a gunshot right there. I had to end it. Great, just poor Tice just killed John.

That's fine. Anything to stop this recording, that's a good place to end that thread. And that's cool, too, because from our religious fellow there, we can segue into religion on Mars, question mark. Good. Yay!

So, so Illuminati. Wait, wait, wait. Can we, can we, sorry, I apologize. You're trying to move on. But I just want to, just a sentence from David Leagwater's little bio of why he's, why he'd be so beneficial to Mars mission. Yeah. I'm a real musician. I play harpsichord, piano, guitar, and clarinet.

I love to improvise in Baroque style on the piano and the harpsichord. No, you fucking don't. You don't know a goddamn thing about fucking Baroque music. Oh, good. So it's Jack's turn now. That's great. Is this a mission to Mars or is this

the apocalypse hitting Manhattan? Either way, it's the same skill set being attributed to survival here. I think the next guy

is going to be like, I'm really good at stand-up comedy and Bozer's going to be like, God damn it. I'm good at web design. I'll bring web design to Mars and the lemon's going,

fucking hell. I'm good at managing virtual machines. God damn it. I'm good at web design. I'll bring web design to Mars. The lemon's going, fucking hell. I'm good at managing virtual machines. God damn. No, it wouldn't be stand-up comedy. It would be like, I'm really good at putting sound effects in podcasts.

All right. So anyway, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, anyway, so Religion on Mars, Illuminati 1776 starts out. Yep, Illuminati 1776. Adam, if you'll take that, please. Religion on Mars. Wouldn't it be a good idea to avoid sending religious people to Mars? There has been so many nerds with colds voices in this episode. This is what happens when Chucky from the Rugrats grows up.

He goes to this forum. So Ed, the administrator that we read earlier, says, you know, that seems like weirdly exclusionary and I don't necessarily think that's a good idea. And Illuminati rebuts with My point is that they should only accept eight ites.

Aleste, we should vote on only the non-religios when we vote on who will get to go. Whoa, okay. Boots take

Frank Vander Lee. Hi, folks. I guess a mod... I think you might be Dutch. Perhaps. Yes, this is what a Dutch person sounds like. I guess a moderate religious person won't be much of a problem,

but the danger is the harsh environment in isolation could turn a moderate into a fundamentalist. What? Wait, what? Captain Pinbacker from the movie Sunshine. Oh. Oh, okay, then. Oh, yeah, okay.

Pinbacker. Wait, nobody in the movie Sunshine really got religious. They all just kind of died. Really. That's the main thing they did, is died. Spoilers, I guess. Ed agrees with me. Yeah, Ed agrees with you.

And then, Illuminati, you have a rebut to that as well. That's not the thing. If they cove... You're turning into decay. Yes, that's where I started. Oh, that was a tourist... Yes, kind of.

Shall I continue the reading, sir? I suppose so. Oh my. They are diluted with the tea. They see the world with blinding glasses, which is in...

Ah, why did I put these on? Ah! Why did I put these on? They have spikes on the inside. Let's make a better future. Let's not involve religion in our future society. And let's start with Mars. When humanity

No. Humane-ty. When humane-ty starts a new existence on a new planet. Let's make sure, as in the brand of microphones, it's based on

100% science-y. And let's not take with us superstition. He spelled superstition right? Yes, how can you spell that word right and get everything else wrong? Because that's the word I'm most afraid of. Well, I will say this about you, Illuminati.

You really do help me believe that there is no God. I will give you that. Let's talk about luggage, shall we? I've got my emotional baggage. Why not put some luggage in there? My name's Wayner. Yeah, it is.

Wayner. I don't know about you, but the thought of being striped of all my possessions makes me shudder. Do you think Moe will allow these explorers to bring some personal items, like photos and things of sentimental value?

No, because it's not real. What do you think, Mars Frontiersman, a.k.a. John Toast? Well, let me find the thing that I said. Mars Frontiersman. I am Mars Frontiersman. If the go. I am Mars Frontiersman. If the bedding didn't seem too appealing, I'd spend my weight on cozy bedding,

like a heavy silk comforter and a patriotic comforter cover. Like Mars patriotism? Like Buzz Lightyear shit? Send me to Mars. I'm going to kick Mars' ass. I'm going to get myself eight hours of sleep. Merzica. Merzica.

Merzica. Hydrating beer sitting in my Mars rover again. She thinks my rover's sexier. That's the setup I have at college now. Sans a Tempur-Pedic mattress cover. No matter how stressful of a day one can have, nothing prompts instant relaxation like flopping onto a comfy, well-made bed. Yeah, you jerk off on your futon. I get it.

Hi, I'm Mars from Tearsman for Tempur-Pedic. Did you know that... Oh, can we make fun of you for your Mars blankie? for temper putin did you know that oh can we make you fun of you for your mars blankie if the bedding was taken care of i'd probably pack some kind of small stringed instrument i could learn to play oh great so we need a mandolin on mars does mars allow busking uh and maybe like a cozy hoodie with a big hood, and a knit hat, and a music playing device with a few set of headphones. A hacky sack. No, no, wait, oh, no, shut up.

A pair of jeans, uh, some flannel pajama pants, and something made out of brown leather. Maybe, like, a pair of boots? Impractical, but I feel at home in those objects in case I was to miss her. So, I mean, this guy understands that he would, you know, by signing up for this, he would be on a, you know, permanent survival mission, right? Yeah, it's like it's asking people to go to Mars who have never been camping before. Mars is like college, right? Yep. Jack, check the very last post in here is It's by, I believe it's Huggin?

I think it's Huggin, maybe? Huge Gin. Yes. The Huggin. That's a very large Greg Gin. Oh. Oh. Is it any better a guitar?

Okay. Just this bigger guitar. So if I could, I would bring books, music, logic problem solving games, and pictures on memory of some kind. If play or some sort could not be included, I would bring that too. Paints, carving tools, and a simple keyboard

so I could stay creative. A few pieces of nice clothing and jewelry, so sometimes I could just dress up for a while. And go where? Dress up for who? Out to Martian restaurants. Goodbye horses. A kite so I could go and try and fly the first kite on Mars.

Thank you. Finally. Benjamin Franklin of Mars. Buzz Aldrin played golf on Mars. I want to fly a kite. No, Buzz Aldrin played golf on the moon. I sound like an asshole. We're talking about Mars here, not the moon?

Buzz Aldrin walks into this podcast and punches Bozarth in the face. I'm tired of you saying it. I'm on a punches free now. Did you get that on camera? Space made me angry. That's true. I wouldn't fear any man who came back and said space made me angry that's true i wouldn't fear any man who came back and said space made me angry seeds for some herbs and spices i would try to grow

one of the small carvings my father made when he was still alive the stool my mother's mother carved by hand and the tool bottles i own and my father's last batch of chair wine one to celebrate 10 years of the group being on Mars, another to celebrate 20 years. Oh, you poor guy. Why would you take these very important and very breakable heirlooms on your Mars mission? It's not like they're going to be there when he gets back.

Right, right. Why aren't people thinking very clearly in the Lugage thread? Lugage! Oh, I realize. clearly in the Lugage thread? Oh, I realize. It's the new gauge. All right. There's all sorts of things. By the way, I forgot to mention this one was from Montreth.

And there's all sorts of things that Montreth provided here. Obviously, we started off on the Indiegogo page, moved on to Mars One fans. We unfortunately have no time for AspiringMartians.com, but if you go to AspiringMartians.com, you can get the Martian Constitution. Yes, there is

typos in the Martian Constitution. Should we read that? I like how all of the work Mantrith does has finally led her to Google living off of the planet I have seen too much it is time for me to go

alright so what we're going to do is we're going to the Mars One community platform this is a place where you can put up your little What we're going to do is we're going to the Mars One Community Platform. This is a place where you can put up your little Vimeo profile, and you can say why you should be selected for the Mars mission. Now, there's a lot of profiles, far more than we can cover. So, Boots. Yes.

I'm going to give you I'm going to give you, I think, three choices Okay So There's Katie She likes adrenaline Yeah Like to drink

There's Jackson He's an artist and an entertainer. I'll go if we're not picking that one. You're not allowed to. And there's... No, your call. And then there's Steve.

His video starts with Futurama Donkey Kong. Oh, good. I'm going to go with Energy Katie. Energy Katie. All right. Here we go with Energy Katie. Energy Katie. All right. Here we go. So Katie has a video. If you want to go to community.mars-1.com, you can watch Katie's video.

Yeah, the URL. It's 966-05B-5. No, shut up. Stop it. Slash profile in there anyway. So anyway, Katie, tell me a little bit about yourself. Hello. My name is Katie, and I'm really excited about this trip to Mars.

I'm currently a nursing school student, and I love working and helping with other people. I also love excitement. I think you got that turned around there. Why does everybody in this Mars thing write, like, my very first resume out of college? I don't know. That's a damn mystery, Toast.

I cannot even begin to imagine. I've been working at an amusement park for four years, and I love the roller coasters and the adrenaline. What? That's why I'm a perfect fit for Mars. You know what, Katie? I like you now. Turn it around. Well, I've operated Space Mountain,

so... Tell me about your interests. My interests? Well, my major interests are being outside and playing sports like soccer. I also love watching some TV shows like Castle and Hell's Kitchen. I also love playing games on my iPad and reading books. Congratulations, Katie!

You're going to Mars, Katie! You're completely average in every single goddamn way. Katie, you're basic. She's just the default human. Don't you see the Challenger shuttle next to the Brian from Family Guy

toy on my desk? Oh, is that what the fuck that is? God damn it! Okay, we got more profiles. We gotta get to the profiles. Portax! You got choices. There's Lee. He is from China,

and he hates cheaters. There's Maggie, and she is wearing either a bathrobe or a gi in her profile. Which one? I'll go with Maggie. All right, here's Maggie. Tell me about Maggie.

All right. Soon as it loads. All right. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Hello.

Raised on a farm in the heart of the U.S., my first word was home while pointing up at the stars. Oh, God damn it. I was a stupid child from... Can you get in, like, a samurai-style sword fight, like, you want to so bad, and then... Look, I tried to commit seppuku, but, you know,

my plastic sword just didn't work. Try again! I'd just like to point out, if you watch her video, you'll see that she designed her own fake spacesuit. Well, then I hope she wears it up to Mars, then. Although I graduated cum laude with a degree in electrical engineering,

I put my... Wait, so far, the most qualified person we've talked to. Yeah, that's actually a useful skill. What the hell? So, okay, so a degree in electrical engineering, and then... I put my technical skills in to make... Mm-hmm. You put your technical skills?

I'm sorry, I just thought of something fucking infuriating, but let's try that again, Sean. Okay, so degree in electrical engineering and... Yeah, degree in electrical engineering and I put my technical skills

into making high-end costumes. God damn it, we were so close. Go on. Starting an international business selling the largest... Yes! Come on! What is she selling?

I'd just like to apologize on Maggie's behalf. A ferret is crawling up her pants at this moment, so she's having a hard time getting the words out. It's biting me right on the keyblade! I'm sorry! It's making the largest zippers in the world. My passion is adventure, and my strengths are optimism, intelligence, and

creativity. Dots, which help me transcribe my journey into art through drawing, story, and song. Oh my god. Quick, we need a bard to go to Mars My interest

No, your interests are what we would expect Oh, you mean Transformers, Star Wars, Star Trek, Mass Effect and Tolkien? Visit mars-maggie.tumblr.com Maggie, I take it back, I don't want you to die Lemon, it is of the utmost importance that you go to her tumblr I already went

Okay, so you got stuck with the thousand year load time of that image It is of the utmost importance that you go to her Tumblr. I already went. Okay. So you got stuck with the thousand year load time of that image in the back? All right. We got a little bit more. Adam? Yeah. All right. I'm giving you two choices here.

Okay. So there's George. He is a man who will say yes to any challenge. All right. And there is Vim. Vim, he likes to read books. Oh, really? Let's hear about George. All right.

Here is George. Tell me about George. Okay, let me get a good look here at George. My name is George Histrov, and my destiny is to explore the limits of human capabilities and the boundaries of what the...

what... and the boundaries of the what we think is possible. Yep. Yep. Of the what? I am the man who will say yes to any challenge. I am the man who will keep the light of fire bright even in the heaviest storm. I am the man with a spirit of a pioneer.

And today, when this opportunity presenting itself, I am here and ready to go. In front of my laptop. This is not just a strive for adventure, but a great honor for me. All right, well, George, thanks for sharing your badass creed with us. My interests? What are your interests? Psychology, astrology,

history, military vehicles, weapons, conspiracy theory, advertisement, movie industry, investments, politics, weapons conspiracy theory advertisement movie industry investments staring at your daughter motivational speaking smiley face i have an interesting smiley face jesus christ that's really what we need is somebody to go to mars to tell astronauts that went to mars how they can achieve anything.

You know, you guys have a lot of engineers, but I don't think you have enough social engineers. Okay, so John, we have two options you can finish with here. So there is Trevor. He is a Kung Fu and lifeguard instructor.

At the same time? Already a strong contender. I would watch that USA show. Kung Fu lifeguard course. On Mars. That's a great summer job. And a great 80s movie.

And there is Rose. Rose likes NASA and kaleidoscopes. I gotta go with the Kung Fu Lifeguard. All right. Good luck pronouncing that surname. So that's Trevor. He's a lifeguard.

By the way, you skipped over Rose. Here are Rose's interests. I'm all about the things, i.e. science, board games, doodling, writing, scopes, micro, tele, collido, hygiene, butts, sleeping, eating, bacon, not wearing pants, sarcasm, etc. Yep. Is that a dating profile? Yeah, that's the worst OKCupid profile I've seen yet. Um, guys, hi.

Hi. Hey, what's up? I'm Trevor. Oh, let me actually give you my self-introduction. Okay. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

My name is Trevor Cat Walking Across a Keyboard. It's actually Trevor. I am a Kung Fu instructor and lifeguard slash instructor at my local YMCA. I have been dreaming of a way to explore both my creativity and new places since I was a child. Driving with my mother when I was young, rain was falling. I looked outside and saw how beautiful it was.

My mother, seeing the gray, didn't understand and asked me what I saw. There's a killer on the road. I saw the rain on the window. The Mars One program needs people who see things differently. I saw the rain on the window. The Mars One program needs people who see things differently. I am that person.

What? This person has less to offer than anybody else we've read so far. I know you thought we had exhausted all of our outrage, but I'm being pretentious. Tell me about your interests, asshole! Well, my interests

are kung fu, a major part is respect for life and peaceful coexistence. My interests are guitar, reading, learning, survival outdoors, swimming, poetry, meditation, being with my best friend.

God damn it! I was hoping for the fucking yearbook profile. My interest is Lemon not making me laugh so I can get through. I'm not interested in that at all. I was voted most likely to succeed in space exploration.

Okay, so my last ones are space exploration, technology, and human development. All social media! Why? Did these people treat Mars One like it's an application for, like, a writer's retreat or something? Let's look at your LinkedIn here. Yeah, I was looking at that, too. That's LinkedIn for Mars One.

It's a company size of one to ten employees. How? There's so many people out here So F+, what did we learn from this episode? We learned that the mission to Mars Is fucking doomed apparently I'm probably the most qualified person To go to space it seems

I learned that Whoever said where there's a will there's a way They were wrong Except we're wrong. Except we're talking about Will, who's into reading, writing. I've learned something that's just been a constant horrible, horrible lesson in this podcast

is that people will go out of their way to pretend like something exists when it doesn't. Oh, yes. What in the fuck? It's like everyone can jump on a forum and be like, oh, let's all talk about the magical rainbow cookie that grants wishes and delivers sloppy blowjobs to everyone. Let's just all pretend that that thing exists and everyone just jumps in on it,

even though it's not fucking real. Well, I mean, in absolute fairness, there's something about this that's real. Like, SpaceX is real. You know, the Elon Musk, like, private space exploration thing is real enough. Like, there's money in it like there probably will be something for some billionaire at some point um however like this mars one thing is saying oh yeah you know in in in 2033 we're gonna have a settled um mars colony like no no no no no no no, no, no, no.

No, but see, this isn't the actual, like, real thing with an actual organization and anybody's got, like, with actual people who could make it happen. This is like an entire group where everyone is like, I want to get in on the Mars exploration thing by being the guy who designed the litter head. Yeah, I learned that nerds and dorks are suckers. Well, that's... Yep. Yeah, I mean, that's, you know, I mean, Kickstarter's billion dollars.

It's really a testament to that. But it's like all sorts of nerds just get suckered by their enthusiasm, their enthusiasm, which you know, is unfortunate because there's such little to inspire enthusiasm sometimes. Here's what I'm really puzzled by.

So all these profiles of all these people that want to go to this thing, why do any of these people want to I don't want to go to Mars. That sounds fucking shitty. I hate camping. And I would prefer to be inside with technology.

Why do these people think that they want to go? It's like a hero complex. Yeah, and they think it's like in the fucking sci-fi movies. They think that, oh man, if we go to Mars, then it's just going to be really fun. Oh, it's going to be fucking sci-fi movies. They think that, oh, man, if we go to Mars, then it's just going to be, you know, it's just going to be really fun. Oh, it's going to be a lot of work, but it's mostly going to be work, you know,

making billboards and shit and having sex with the green alien space babes and that type of bullcrap. They have no concept of how hard it is to do anything. Yeah, we skipped over a lot of lists that included Mass Effect and Star Wars. You know, like, there's a lot of that that was very textual and subtextual. Right, right.

Yeah, and you'd think having played those things, it would have been hammered forward. You remember the major character in Mass Effect who was nothing but like an artist? Yeah, you don't, do you? Because that's not what happened. Like, not even a side character. Oh, by the way, on a side note for this, I think the other thing I learned is that I would hate my job if I were the person

who had to vet resumes for a creative position. Because it's like, it's got to be like three people in there who are actually qualified and have done work. And just 3,000 of these things. I like doing things for money. I am excited about work. I like reading

and writing and i've always wanted to have to hire freelancers and i had to look at a lot of portfolios of people who are expecting to get paid to make graphic design things and yeah it's it's pretty disheartening you kind of want to write them back and be like really yeah yeah yeah yeah don't yeah don't do this. Like, I've actually been in interviews with guys where I've been like, I don't think you want to do this. Like, can I see your portfolio? Here you go.

You sure this is the thing you want to do? The website, as always, THEFPL.US. Ball Pits is another website that you should go to and we're going to Mars eventually Fuck it Let's go Bye I've got everything I need I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I can fly

I'm a supersonic guy I don't need pleasure, I don't feel pain If you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again All right, we got a little bit more. Let's see who's next. Jack Chick. We got Crystal. Crystal mentions dolphins in her self-introduction. And we have Alexander Niazi,

a.k.a. Throwing Bones One, who is a VMware engineer who is strong-willed. What, like a horse? Come on, pick. Let's go. Oh, sorry. It was me. Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm listening to metal during the podcast. Nope, nope. Lost your chance. Fuck, for fuck's sake. I'm listening to metal during the podcast. Nope, nope, lost your chance.

Fuck you, you're gone. Alright, Adam? Yeah?