The F Plus - 142: Indie Go Go Go Away

Episode Date: July 5, 2014

Hey guys, you remember that Kickstarter episode? We found worse than that on Indie Go Go. This week, The F Plus selects donors by fuckability.

You know, I didn't hit my goal, but again, it is flexible funding, so I get to walk away with zero dollars. Bye-bye, suckers! Give me money, give me money, give me this, give me that. I want to call Ted a brand new hat. This is the F+, give me money. Your place on the internet for terrible things. Give me money, red with enthusiasm. Give me money.

In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. The Beloved Pillow is a keepsake pillow for everyone who misses somebody. Thanks for that 3,000 bucks, suckas. Jack Chick. Spike Crib is a death slash black slash gothic metal band that sounds like Demu Borgir. Jimmy Franks. Eco Nuts needs your help bringing soap nut shampoo to the marketplace

Bump Girl Rainbow Crystal Land Andes Help us liberate an Andean land to start an open community This is a project which is good for the rainbow movement And Lemon Urban Myths of Urban Slut is a gonzo Sunday school for the credit infected brain damaged cell phone

knee age Yeah, words Wow You won Sanso Sunday School for the credit-infected, brain-damaged, cell phone knee age. Yeah, words. Wow. You won. Here's all my money. Just take it. Just stunned silence.

Hey, F+. Hi, Lemon. Hey, Lemon. How are you guys doing? Hello. Great, Lemon. How are you guys doing? Hello. Great. Great. Yeah. Do you remember the Kickstarter episode that we did a while ago?

Or quite a while ago, actually. Yeah, that's a classic. That is a classic. Vividly. Yeah, back in 2011, you know, we had the Jeremy Fernandez Gamer's Hip Clip. We had the, bam, Gamer's Hip Clip. We had the BAM WTF WTF. Still a very good episode. And that was, I don't want to say the very beginning of Kickstarter,

but that was kind of in the beginning of the Kickstarter era, where back then they were a little bit fledgling. It was before they had raised over a billion dollars in real actual dollars. I don't know why I said dollars twice. Not Bitcoin? Maybe some Bitcoin. they had raised over a billion dollars in real actual dollars. I don't know why I said dollars twice, but... Not Bitcoin? Maybe some Bitcoin. But yeah, so now, I mean, Kickstarter... And I assume they're still the only game in town.

Well, actually, now that you mention it, they are not the only game in town. What? Because several people have realized, oh, wait a minute, people just give you money for no reason, and all you have to do is make it a little bit scammier. So to that end, this is an episode all about Indiegogo.com. Let me briefly explain Indiegogo.com to you. Indiegogo is like Kickstarter, only with less ethics and promise.

The two main differences... Less business sense. The two keystones of Kickstarter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The two main differences with Indiegogo are, A, that there's less of a vetting criteria so that you can fail to get your project on Kickstarter but still get it on Indiegogo. And B, and this is the really important part, Indiegogo has flexible funding. So Kickstarter, you want $20,000, you raise $100, you fucking fail. On Indiegogo, you want $20,000, you raise $100.

Congratulations, here's your $100. And you didn't do what you said you would, so you don't even need to fucking make the thing you said you would. So it's an exciting world, and we have an exciting project, which Jimmy Franks is going to introduce us to. This is the, I believe the title of this project is the new B2B, I Never Squeeze a Tube Again. Good. Um, this is the, I believe the title of this project is the newbie to be, I never squeeze

a tube again. Good. Um, the video I have not watched, but there is a man standing in front of a blue screen where there's a bunch of like white lights moving around. So futuristic lasers. That's pretty fucking sciencey. I'm, I'm interested. So, so, uh, Mr. What the fuck is your name?

Charles Harris? Charles Harris? Yeah, this is Charles Harris. Listen, I got a question for you guys. What's that? Have you ever used the back of the toothbrush or the bathroom counter to squeeze the toothpaste from the tube? No.

No. Do you hide the twisted, rolled up, and unattractive tube in a drawer? No. No. What a mess. Okay. There's got to be a better way. Take it from me.

I know. It's frustrating and wasteful. You are like a million other consumers that have been doing this ritual your entire life. Insofar as you haven't been. Well, I have, and I consider my experience to be typical. Well, what's your solution? My solution is Newbie 2B. My solution is Newbie 2B.

It is the most advanced hygiene dispenser that eliminates the waste, the squeezing, and the rolling. Plus, it hides the unsightly tube and has an area for corporate or personal branding. Yay! Great. This product has many uses and applications. Okay. Beyond it just being a toothpaste tube thing. In a nursing home setting, Newbie Tubies ergonomic grips, push button operation, easy to open cap, and portable design makes it a great product for those with various disabilities such as carpal tunnel, arthritis, or other health challenges.

Here's some shit on the internet that I'm citing. Okay, good. Some shit from the Daily Mail that I'm citing. All right, so maybe you don't have any old people in a nursing home. How about in a corporate environment? Newbie Tubi can be used as a promotional branding giveaway item at meetings, seminars, and conventions for potential customers and current clients. Because they love that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah.

Nothing beats swag that requires a lot of explanation. Plus it's a flash drive? Way better. Okay. Don't have an old person in a nursing home or a job? Well, check this shit out. For individual use, Newbie Tubie can be customized with your favorite charitable cause or favorite NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, USL, or collegiate team.

No, those require a lot of license fees, so no, probably not. Trademarks? What? This product will change your life and your daily routine. Sure. All right. So here's the deal. I'm going to break it down for you.

Okay. We need $20,000 for product engineering and manufacturing. Sure, sure. Now, looking at the page, I see that you at no point did you put a photo of what this thing looks like. So then I was like, well, that's interesting. I wonder if it's in the video. So let me give you some highlights of the video. Sci-fi shit, man talking, lots of people super frustrated about crinkled up tubes.

And then the last two minutes are parodies of The Matrix. That's why we need $20,000. That was unexpected. We want those people to not be frustrated. So my crack team is working on developing a non-working prototype as we speak. Great. I like that they're so honest. It's not

going to work. It's just going to be like a plasticine model. But we do have a U.S. manufacturer selected to produce the final product. So we're well on our way on this. Also non-working. So you said you needed $20,000. That's right, 20K. And how much have you raised so far?

$1,185. Okay, so you're on your way. So when does the campaign end? February 21st of this year. Oh, that would be bad news. Because if you weren't on Indiegogo, so you still get that $1,185, and you don't have to do shit. You already did very little.

You have to do even less to just take your check and go home. Hey, hey, hey, hey, can I give some money to you guys? Yeah. You know, if you give us $10,000, you'll be buying into the shark level. You'll get 75 newbie 2B classics with a bunch of other shit and dinner with the creators of newbie 2B. How do you make a classic version of something that doesn't even have a working prototype? Or is a classic a toothbrush that you can rub against it to get the toothpaste out? What does a signed copy of the script mean?

Is this a movie? Newbie 2B, the movie. It's a script get the toothpaste out. What does a signed copy of the script mean? Is this a movie? Newbie to be the movie. It's a script to the pitch video. A bunch of Matrix shit happens. No, no, no, no. There's actually like a movie they're being developed. If you read the bass level. Sorry, Jack Check, you were going to give some money, weren't you? I want to give $50.

Oh, okay. No problem. Welcome to the bass level. Could have been a shark, motherfucker. You'll get one classic newbie to be. That's a 50% savings with two bands. No problem. Welcome to the bass level. Could have been a shark, motherfucker. You'll get one classic newbie to be. That's a 50% savings with two bands. That's $100 for the fucking thing. One t-shirt and two tickets to the red carpet will premiere screening of the newbie to be videos. And where will these premieres take place?

Hollywood, Chicago, New York, and Dubuque. years take place hollywood chicago new york and dubuque i see the fashion capitals of the u.s at first i read that and i was like did he misspell dubai oh Oh, fuck! So, yeah, I mean, because we could imagine that, like, this product, I mean, it could just be just, like, a solid piece of plastic would be sufficient, right? Squeeze out toothpaste. That would be enough, right?

But you don't want to use the bathroom counter as the other part of that. That's frustrating. They offer no single hint of an idea of what this thing is. You know what you could do is you could use your

cigarette roller and put the toothpaste through the cigarette roller. But see, this one's battery operated. That is one of the perks of the product benefits is that this is somehow battery-operated and portable. Yeah. Because of the little skins.

Before you laugh at this being ridiculous, I will mention to you, Jerry Blackman, who is the executive VP of sales and marketing, has 1,868 Facebook friends. So who's the asshole now? What the hell? friends. So who's the asshole now? What the hell? So what if I wanted to give $20,000?

Would that up the ante on this premiere that we're talking about? Yes. Well, yeah, actually, in addition to all the aforementioned perks, we're going to throw in an L.A. spa experience. Good. That may be Louisiana. I think it's Los Angeles. Dinner at a Hollywood hotspot with the creators and cast of the newbie-toobie video. Of the poor man's Frankie Goes to Hollywood video.

A limited edition wall poster of the toothpaste tube and a limited edition leather jacket all right you'll also get a limited edition dvd ampersand ampersand ampersand ampersand signed script yeah amp amp, amp, amp, amp, amp. Hi, my name is Gerard110. Hey, Gerard. And I contributed to this. And I just want to say I wish you the best and tell my sis Geraldine I said hello and much love. Which is also the only comment not by the founding team. Out of the seven comments that are only three.

Hi, F+. Well, hi. Hi there. Who are you? My name is Vishal Shah. And, well, I'm an aspiring entrepreneur. Here is a picture of a Pokemon.

Okay. What? This project, by the way, this document put together by Drya, who mentioned it was Pokemon, so thanks for the help there. Anyway, picture of Pokemon. Okay, so money needed to start web design company.

I have a talent that can't be utilized because of money. What? Yep. But really want to help others with my talent. Need to buy the raw resources required to make a website. 15 years old, and already wanting to start something with my life.

Unfortunately, because of money, I have a talent that cannot be utilized. Web designing and development. Okay, so I want to start a legitimate business that is legal. But...

Gotta be both. But I do not... I do... But to do that, I need to get a business certificate and all this bureaucracy I have to face from the government. And because of that,

I need the money that you, the contributors, can give so that I can purchase hosting and a domain and have a small bit of marketing as well as have to deal with all the bureaucratic crap like business certificates and renewals. So you need $20.

Well, no. Look, $20 would be enough for like two domains plus a little extra that would be but I also you forgot about all the bureaucracy and shit oh right and the business red tape right the business certificates and the renewals

of the business certificates uh oh yeah so thank you and I hope you can help me so I can help others. Also, don't mind the images. I didn't know what else to put up, so I just put up my avatar I use on other sites. Really?

Well, yeah, what else would you put up, really? Well, I've designed business. Pokemon. It makes perfect sense. Yeah, so I need $0. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't need $0.

I've already matched that goal. I need $650. Anyone want to give me money? Anyone? Yeah, I want to give you $25. $25. Congratulations, Boost Rain Gear. You get a website discount.

Okay. For donating $20. Like half off? Well, come on now. That's just bad business. Oh, okay. For donating $25 for me to start my business, I will provide a 10% discount on any website you want,

whether it be a hotel or a simple blog, you will be covered. Wait. What is... A hotel? I listed the two kinds of websites, hotels and simple covered. Wait. What is... A hotel? I listed the two kinds of websites. Hotels and simple blogs. Okay.

Well, maybe if I gave you $50, that would sweeten the pot. Oh, thank you so much. All right, all right. Now let's really talk, okay? Okay. Now that we're away from these cheap asses. Okay. For donating $50 for me...

Yeah, what do you got? Taz Tart, my business. TazTart, my business. TazTart. My business. You can just use this fancy cut page functionality. I don't know how to do that in web design. You can use money on cut pages. Look, for doing that, I will provide a 20% discount on any website you want,

whether it be for a hotel or a simple blog. You will be covered. Oh, boy. Those are the only stretch goals. Why is it still up? Because they're all... Because they keep them all. Kickstarter keeps them all, too.

I mean, we would miss out on a lot of mockery if they could do something. A museum of human desperation and failure. That's the secret of the release. Hey, Boots. Yes?

What are your feelings on racism? I'm a fan of racism. You're a fan of racism? No, wait, no. I'm against racism. Oh, okay. There we go.

You have to remember. Sorry. Yeah. He gets the two mixed up. I'm against racism. Oh, okay. There we go. You have to remember. Sorry, yeah. Yeah. Well, I can never remember what the kids are into these days. Yeah, you need to follow the trends. Well, this is terrific because this is an Indiegogo project that is going to solve racism. Oh. Through bumper stickers.

Yeah, I'm into that. This is, I don't know you, but I love you. Orphans need this message. Orphans? How is that a title? I don't know you, but I love you. Orphans need this message. Yes. So your name is... Oh, this is gonna hurt.

So your name is Charlizzle Bizzle. Yeah, I'm Charlizzle Bizzle. And just tell me about this Indiegogo project. You can call me Chuckie Blee. I would prefer to, frankly. That's less infuriating. I'm Charlizzleblizzle.

Spread a message of unconditional love. Arfins need to hear this message most of all. That's what they need. Share the love for language and fund this message in all languages. Itticky Billy. What is this? I don't know you,

but I love you. That's, that's, that's, yeah. I don't know why you haven't seen that trending. Itticky Billy. Yeah. Hey, orphans, Itticky Billy.

Anyway. So a dicky Billy, is it true? Is it true a dicky Billy? It's true. I mean it. It is tattooed on my arm and I am determined for every human to hear it at least once. Would you like that as well?

If so, I am super excited to present you with the opportunity to spread the love to those that need it the most. I need a little bit more selling, frankly. Heart orphans, heart! Oh, now you're doing a good job. Yeah! Please allow me to introduce myself by my

nickname, Char-Lizzle Blizzle. Is there any other option? No! nickname charlizzle blizzle is there any other option no uh anyway what is most important is not who I am but how

I make you feel my energy how my smile makes you feel there is sincerity in my voice you hear it yeah yeah really if I get you excited there's sincerity in your voice if you get me excited? Yes.

All right. Yep. I'm here to give you confidence in donating to a simple and complex abstract idea. That's called a huckster. I'm here to make you give me money. I believe passing out a sticker that says, I don't know you, but I love you, is a method for ending racism.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck everyone you know! Fuck your fucking generation! Fuck the town you grew up in! She can't even solve her own anorexia. How's she gonna solve racism? I believe that passing out a sticker is a method for ending racism.

Not the method, but, you know, a method at least. Yeah, no, please. You haven't even let me explain this, though. If racism was not largely present in society's judgments and government's decision-making, surely the people would be able to quickly unite together as one. Okay. decision-making, surely the people would be able to quickly unite together as one. This sticker is a method for uniting as one in an extremely exhilarating and electrifying way.

Stickers! So start SWW Sing Everyday People. Hey, what's SWWS stand for? Saving the world with stickers! Yay! How did W make it into your acronym, but T didn't? saving the world with stickers. Yay! Yay! Oh, my fucking God.

How did W make it into your acronym, but T didn't? I can prove. The T is silent. Hey, Charlizzle Blizzle. Yes? Listen, I've had a really rough time of things lately, and I'm in a real dark place in my head. But I went through my couch.

I managed to round up $88. I think I want to give it to you. Yay! You're giving it to her. That's what you're doing. Yeah. I mean, I'm inspired by your message, and maybe it'll keep me from killing myself. I get some of these stickers, but do I get anything else with that?

Yeah, $88. $88.zy8s, you get 25 stickers. You'll get one hour... 25 stickers for $88! Yeah, well, no, that's not it. You get one hour of counseling and therapeutic conversation with me, Char Lizzo. Oh my god! Shit! Talk about what you cannot and do not want to discuss with your friends

and family. Receive a new and unique perspective from someone who's walked away from, sorry, who's walked as many streets as books she's read. And never learn how to use an apostrophe in any of them. By the way, I drive everywhere. I can help you quickly achieve a day-to-day experience with reduced stress and anxiety.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You make me so relaxed. I'm free, and I can help you reach this state of mind as well. Smiley! Yeah, it's called ecstasy. Hey, can I give you $50, please? Please, please? Hey?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get a chance of ending racism. Oh, that's better than mine. What kind of chance does he get? Yeah, you don't get that at $88. Oh my god. What kind of chance does he get at ending racism? A 50-50 chance.

What's the over-under on racism? Yeah, but you're also going to get 25 stickers, a computer tune-up and diagnostics from the official MML computer technician. Oh my god. the official MML computer technician. What? MML? What happened to I-Dicky-Biggly?

It's Mad Mad Love. You know the thing I never said earlier? Yeah, Mad Mad Love. It happens at the bottom. There's a whole new corporate enterprise. Yeah, yeah. Mad Mad Love and racism. That statement will either be true or false. We have a 50% chance of being it true. and racism. That statement will either be true or false. Thus, we have a 50% chance of being a true.

That doesn't mean it has a 50% chance. You have a 100% chance of being a hero to orphans if you donate today. What? Ah, shit. I didn't donate today and there's only like two hours left. I'm fucked. Well, you're not going to be a hero to orphans.

So for 50 bucks, I can get a stack of stickers and some malware on my computer. Hey, do you want to know a little bit about the history of Dickie Billy? Nope. I'm going to tell you. It started in January of 2011 on Facebook. 300 strangers communicated, organized, and planned daily for four months online, meaning for the first time a Coachella music festival. Of course. Why Coachella Music Festival. Of course!

Why Coachella and not Bonnaroo? What's wrong with Burning Man? I mean, really, like, look. Look, Coachella's a fine, a fine, fine choice, but if you're going to solve racism, you need to go where all the black people are, so you need to go to Bonnaroo.

Hey, listen, Par-Lizzle-Bizzle, I, uh... Par-Lizzle? So why do you want to go to Bonnaroo. Hey, listen, Par-Lizzle-Bizzle, I, uh... Par-Lizzle? So why do you want to end racism? See, racism's good and all, but it is linked to illiteracy, poverty, hate crimes, epidemic diseases, environmental theft and destruction, drug use, incarceration, profiteering, death, and more. Why should humanitarians split up their collective energies into tunnel vision respective realms of aid when just one problem is causing them all? Not enough stickers.

By the way, Chucky B, what happened to you at 17? At 17, I developed chronic migraines, and that is when I began my struggle in America. Wait, this is still on the same website? Did we move? Did I miss something? Once a debilitating medical condition enters one's life, there is not much great parents can do.

Yeah. Good grades do not make the pain go away. Jobs start avoiding your employment, and nothing you plan ever goes according to plan. start avoiding your employment, and nothing you plan ever goes according to plan. For example, for example, you wanted $1,888. Yeah. How much money do you actually get out of it? I only got $1,430. Oh, that would be too bad if it weren't flexible funding.

Yay. I still only got $ 1,430. And racism is still alive in America. But I did get to counsel three people for an hour. Oh, God. Bump Girl, your name's Abby Lee. And tell me about your son.

My son is crazy talented, yo. Alright, tell me about your son. My son is crazy talented, yo. All right, tell me more. Nope. Please, please tell me more. No. No. I love you. I love you.

Oh, oh, wait. Easily the next Van Gogh. Oh. And that's the entirety of her bitch! My son is crazy talented, yo! I love you. Yeah, I want to give you a thousand pounds. Perfect!

You get signed artwork. Okay, good. Anyone that donates a thousand pounds will receive a one-of-a-kind framed canvas piece of artwork that has been signed by my four-month-old son. You will also receive an invite to the wedding reception. Wait, what?

Is he getting married? I love you? No, well, maybe it's just her wedding reception. Like, she doesn't have enough people going to her wedding my son is crazy talented yo well to be fair guys there are images in the gallery which we should be looking at you mean the broken links

yeah I love you ooh ooh ooh there's a result text Eiffel Tower proposal I found another piece of information. I think this is one of those alternate reality games. Oh, sure, this is going to turn into some sort of stealth marketing effort. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is a clue.

There's like an Easter egg somewhere on this page. Oh, does that mean Nine Inch Nails is going to be releasing another album? I love you! Hello, Internet. Hey, what's going on? This is Tyler St. House. What's going on, Tyler House? What do you need from me?

I am currently unemployed and don't have enough money to buy beer. Oh, good. Please donate. Every penny counts. Please help me black out and make bad decisions. Why should I donate? Why should you donate? Because otherwise I'll make

more of these stupid fucking campaigns and keep bothering you until you inevitably donate to shut me up. I think that's an empty promise. Why wait and have to deal with a prolonged annoyance? Get it over with now and enjoy your summer. What happens if I don't donate? I've sent you this link personally,

which means I know how many people have and have not donated. Therefore, I will punch gulai in the nuts for every person that does not donate to my noble and completely necessary cause. Apparently I've taken a hostage. Well, if Gula hangs out with you, I'm fine with Gula getting punched in the nuts. Okay, so what's the reward for this happening? You want something?

You want something in exchange? No, I'm just saying, is there a reward? Well, the reward is I drink and have a moment of happiness, followed by anger and depression, because alcohol is a depressant. Therefore, I'll need to drink again

to be happy, which makes this fundraiser all that more important. That's not how depressants work. That's exactly how they work. All right. All right, so what are the tears? What are the tears?

Let's get in on this. You mean the tears are my sadness because I don't have enough beer? Nope, nope. We've been through that. Because I sure as fuck aren't offering any kind of stretch goals or anything for you in exchange. I just want you to give me money. That's true.

You did really, you kind of put that forth. So, all right. No, no, no. That is not fucking true. That is not fucking true. No, you're right. You're right. You know what?

You've made a valid point. The high rollers will get personal shout outs in my many Snapchats that will be sent. Wow. Actually, if you don't want to be a high roller. will get personal shout-outs in my many Snapchats that will be sent. Wow! Actually, if you don't want to be a high-baller, anyone who donates more than $5 will get a commemorative empty beer can, drank from and signed by yours truly. A disclaimer, Natalie Smizied has oral herpes. Hey, uh, is Tyler St. House?

Yes. How many bottles of Stella can you drink from at the same time? Well, three. That's pretty impressive. We don't know that he can actually drink from that many. We just know that he can hold that many up to his face. Thank you for donating. And if you don't donate, thanks for giving me an excuse to wail on Gula God bless the South Sox, go Red Sox and fuck you

lovey There's still four days left of this campaign if you want to Oh yeah, well I already know how much you've raised Give me 100% of my $1000 go Nope I'm getting the urge to actually donate to Indiegogo so they can hire more staff dollar go. Nope.

I'm getting the urge actually to donate to Indiegogo so they can hire more staff and have a filtering process. Guys! What's up? Austin wants a t-shirt! The city?

No! Me! I'm Austin Elliot. Here's a picture of me in my car flicking the camera off. Okay. Austin wants a t-shirt. All right. First of all, let me give you my profile. Austin Elliott. I'm awesome.

I'm awesome and I like Godzilla. Okay. Yeah. That's my profile. I like Godzilla too. Okay. Okay. So here's a picture of a fucking bomb ass, like, terrific

Godzilla t-shirt. It's got Godzilla on it. It's got the word Godzilla on it. It's got Tokyo. It's got probably Tokyo, and there's like some water and shit. Yeah, Godzilla. Okay, Austin wants this t-shirt, but isn't willing

to spend $50 on it. The minimum I could state is $500, but I really only need like $30. Okay. Hello there. That's the title. Yep. Headline. This is a fashion project.

Hello there. I'm Austin Elliott. Since the tender age of four, I have had a deep emotional connection to the Godzilla movie franchise. I've seen every movie. To the franchise. I've seen every movie,

could name every monster that's appeared in each movie, and I've owned many pieces of Godzilla memorabilia throughout the 16 years that Godzilla has been in my life. Since the announcement of the new movie coming out on May 16th, I have been searching everywhere for the perfect piece of merchandise to show my true devotion to the King of Monsters.

And that's where you come in. The Warner Brothers website released an utterly perfect t-shirt design. Much to my chagrin, it is priced at $44.95. I need your help buying that shirt. Even just $1 towards this cause will help out. I really only need like $25 or $30, and then I'll pay the rest.

If you think I'm joking, you are a sad, sad, sad, miserable person. So what happens if I give you $500 then? Oh, well, $500, marry me. Listen, you'll get a hug, a handwritten thank you letter written by my mother, but signed by me. What else? You can't write a thank you letter? I'll sign it, goddammit. What more do you want?

Look at my picture of me flicking you off. Oh, my god. A picture drawn by me flicking you off. A picture drawn by me depicting our friendship. A chance to hang out with me for three hours, pay for your own food, etc. I'll let you meet...

I'll let you meet my family and vice versa. I'll propose to you in front of whoever is at the nearest Sonic with a ring pop. Zero heaven claimed. You know, by vice versa, I'll propose to you in front of whoever is at the nearest Sonic with a ring pop. Zero heaven claimed. By the way, you don't need to give $500 to get a thank you letter

written by my mother. You can get in on the $5 level and get a thank you letter written by my mother. Even at $1. Still signed by him, though. But you know what? This is the one person we've seen so far

who've actually had good nice little tears in his stretch goals. Just adds a sentence every time. Bump Girl, tell me about your watermelon straps Lemon I didn't think to hear I'd hear those words from you

tell me about your watermelon straps alright babies show me them watermelon straps need to hear all about your watermelon straps okay watermelon straps never about your watermelon straps. Okay. Watermelon straps. Never drop your watermelon again!

Okay. Watermelon straps help you carry and handle your watermelon with ease. My watermelon. We also have a Kickstarter. Oh, wait, what? You also have a Kickstarterstarter you know you know the family you also have a kickstarter what the fuck okay okay so anyway like let me give you some background the u.s produced about 41 million watermelons in 2011 that's over 1.7 million metric tons of watermelon annually

most of all that was probably carried by someone during harvest and by you when you bought it at the store and put it into your kitchen at home. Okay so the idea behind watermelon straps was simple. During our July 4th vacation we purchased a watermelon at the grocery store. It was a pain carrying it around and lifting it in slash out of the shopping cart. The plastic bag wasn't in slash out of the shopping cart. The plastic bag wasn't big enough to fit the watermelon either. Then when we got home and in the kitchen, we accidentally dropped it on the floor trying to hold it right and the watermelon broke.

So lame. Sorry, I'd just like to point out, according to the statistics at the beginning of this, a watermelon weighs 41 kilograms. Well, then you really do need a strap. Damn. Hey, is watermelon straps an invention of Cybernetic labs llc i don't know i'm not there yet there's so much more to tell you a lot that water

if watermelon straps is an invention of cybernetic labs you want to know why we came up with this idea i didn't you already tell me that, it's to make it easier to lift and carry watermelons. Those 90-pound watermelons. But the straps are probably just like, they're just black or they're just boring, right? The straps there are not interesting at all?

No, you can get them printed with custom labeling to display more information about the store selling the watermelon or the farm growing the products i like how all of these kickstarter people can go like also screen printing exists yeah yeah we've just just manufacturing the product with several textile builders in the u.s because you build textiles um and uh we've we talked with like name drop dot biz and seattle fabrics dot name drop and we have a commitment from some other place in a different place that's in texas to start

assembling these um based on the final prototype we chose after a bit more research on scalability we will assemble the watermelon straps with materials from our suppliers in texas and seattle really need to assemble a strap? Is it just a strap? Like, insert part slot A into... We have a patent attorney. Never mind, it's a strap. Oh, okay then. Well, hold on, hold on.

I want to decode this. We talked to some people that could help us. They said, you're insane. We talked to a company that could sell us the materials to make them ourselves. They said, sure, we'll take your money. Yeah, I don't know. Why don't you ask the internet for your money?

Well, we have interest from Kroger Co. in sending them our product information, and we want to demonstrate to them and others that we are capable of raising funding through private and crowdsourced channels to get ramped up for large distribution based on nationwide supermarket store demand. Our long national nightmare of carrying watermelons is over. I wish I knew if you were an invention of Cybernetic Labs LLC or not, though. But don't worry, we still have also

several advisors from top industry sectors from investments, technology, insurance, military, medical, and educational experience. Military! Can we weaponize these uh watermelon straps private bring that watermelon to my quarters but it's so heavy oh and we're also working with media outlets like geekwire.com. And our prototype is also currently on quirky.com.

Sure. Totally. That sounds great. And you can find us on YouTube and website. Great. Have $50. Oh, sweet. For $50, you're going to get two watermelon straps and a t-shirt.

Oh. Sweet. For $50, you're going to get two watermelon straps and a t-shirt. Oh, but that t-shirt was created at www.customink.com. Yeah, no, it's on your quirky site. Tell me what happens on the t-shirt. Like, what do I get if I... What's on my t-shirt? You can get a t-shirt with half-eaten watermelon boobs. Is there text on the t-shirt as well? Yeah, it says above the half-eaten

half-watermelon boob, I only trust my melons to www.watermelonstrops.com. That's such a good slogan! Does that come out of men's triple X? We love websites. We have a website. Did I tell you we had a website? We've got this website. Let me tell you we had a website? We've got this website.

Let me tell you about the website. The website is a link to off our website. I mean, our Indiegogo and our Kickstarter and probably on Custom Ink and maybe at seedip.com. And we also have a quirky.com prototype. Yeah, welcome to namecheap.com. This domain was recently registered at namecheap.com. No, no. It's not.

We have a real website. Don't we have a real website? What happened to our website? Oh, hey. Could you maybe give me more information about who you are, the creator of the watermelon straps? The Edison of melon conveyance. They thought he was a madman!

And then they saw his straps. I am a senior software engineer for insurance software company Vertifor and Bofell, but I highlight as an indie iOS app developer, making everything from a marketplace for barding. Oh, Swapdiva.com, another website. Woo!

Love websites. I'm to a social networking app for new and expecting parents. Birthgroup.org. Woo, love websites. I'm to a social networking app for new and expecting parents. Birthgroup.org, woo, website. Love websites with a zombie arcade shooter and a Noah's Ark Adventure iPhone game thrown in for good measure. Geekwire.com. Hey, that's great.

Let me read you some of the texts from Swapviva.com. Welcome to Namecheap.com. This domain was recently registered at Namecheap.com. I also registered IHaveFollow angie.com. I also registered at I have follow through

dot com. Hey, Boots. Hi. I forget, how is the word mining spelled? Is it spelled M-I-N-N-I-N-G

or is it spelled M-I-N-E-I-N-G? This will affect what you read. Oof. Jeez. It's spelled M-I-N-N-I-N-G. Alright, M-I-N-N-I-N-G. Terrific.

If you'll then tell me about your project that you have here. That is the worst choice anybody's ever had. Come on. Tell me about your project. Yeah, I'm Alex Crow. And I've got some Bitcoin minning hardware. Okay, good.

I want to buy a Wait, what? Oh, okay. Yep. I don't have this. I want to buy a special hardware for minning for Bitcoins. The hardware will be bought from ButterflyLabs.com, and the price is about T$5. I'm sorry, how much? $500.

$500. Okay. So what do I do? Short summary. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I am a young IT lover. Okay, sure. And I want to buy Bitcoin hardware for minning.

You know, Alex, I like the cut of your jib. You sound like a single-minded guy with focus on your vision. I'm an IT lover. Undercover. IT lover. What we need and what you get. See, Bitcoin is a

virtual coin, and I have two minning to earn it. Yeah. It's amazing how great it is. And we're all laughing with delight at this. This year, ButterflyLabs.com launched a special It's amazing how great it is. And we're all laughing with delight at this. Ha ha. Absolutely.

Yeah. This year, ButterflyLabs.com launched a special hardware for minting efficiently for bitcoins. Mm-hmm. So that's what we need and what you get. So that's what you need and what I get. Yeah. And the impact. I don't know if someone will want to help me, but every dollar will be great for me.

And you said you need $500? Yeah. Okay, that's good, because the Monarch Butterfly Labs technology Bitcoin mining card costs $2,196. Oh, man. Oh, man, that's amazing. It's okay. With flexible funding, you could still only get a portion of that. Yeah, there's like seven layers of stupid on this.

It's really deep because it's like, first of all, everything. And then secondly, give me money so that I can have money. Give me money for my money machine. That's how investment works. Here's a video about what Bitcoins are. Yep. This is the one you did not pick. Bitcoin mining!

My name's Lee Coleman. I'm a miner. Bitcoin mining. Wait, what kind of miner are you? Miner. Oh, okay. It says miner. Oh, miner, okay.

Yep, squid billies. I like squid billies. My wife needs to quit her job, and this is the way I plan on replacing her help with our bills. I feel like that sentence should have a question mark at the end. I feel like that sentence should have a question mark at the end. And this is the way I plan on replacing her help? I have started a Bitcoin mining operation.

I started with two blocker ruptures. Now I have 12, and Thigh will make around $50 a month I need more thigh are $20 and the more I have running the faster she can quit and that's all there is to it perfect you know what I'd like to point out that the last one that spelt mining wrong as minning was from Romania

this person arguably has worse grammar and spelling is from Oklahoma. Well, really, which is more of a third world country? If somebody said to me, hey, Lemon, do you want to visit Romania? I'd say, sure. What the fuck?

Hey, Lemon, do you want to visit Oklahoma? No. What will we be on our way to? Pizza Ranch in Oklahoma. I think you should actually say, Welcome to Omlahoma, what's your ultimate destination? Romania.

I'm fucking lost. Pump Girl. Are you feeling fun and flirty? I'm always feeling fun and flirty great well i like to talk about the first the the three f's i call them fun flirty and recycle will you tell me about Beer rings? Beer rings. Okay. Oh, this is from Portland, huh? Yep. This is Portland. Fun, flirty, and a whole new way to recycle.

Okay. Our story. I am a 29-year-old young woman who recently sold off my main business I have owned for four whole goddamn years. I mean, just four years. That's your eBay store. Yeah. owned for four whole goddamn years i mean just four years that's your ebay store yeah i am taking a huge risk and cannonballing into a new venture in which i believe will take off good god okay let's try this again i began making beer rings a few years ago with the intention to recycle and create a fashionable

and fun way to wear bottle caps wow okay beer rings are carefully handcrafted and we only use stainless steel good that's wonderful so the impact uh being that i just sold my main source of income i need the extra funds to advertise and purchase materials so I can mass produce my product. Okay, because when you sell a business, you don't get any money for it. No. That's why they

call it the dirt parachute. Yes. Correct. All the money needed to successfully advertise is so expensive, so anything is appreciated oh I don't understand what the fuck what

what I don't understand what this product is at all well they're five bucks and they're available at beerrings.org no they're not it's totally a real website it's totally an absolutely real website um where you can says you're a liar um where you can buy a pair they're

only five dollars um and they're beer rings um and i can mail off if you donate uh i'll mail off a pair or two for you uh-huh sure. Oh, but I have other ways you can help. What's that? What else? Do you have any advice? Stop it. Do you have maybe a contact at a gift store that might be interested? I cannot...

I can't figure out what the fuck, because it's a beer ring, but you have to provide your own bottle top, right? Yeah, that's how they keep costs down. They pass the savings on to you, man. So it's a ring that holds your bottle cap? Is that what it is? Maybe?

Well, I'd love to tell you what it is but I've got this picture with like three orange blobs and like a cartoon beer cap that says beer rings but it's kind of cut off Tracy your clarity of product and

thought has moved me to give you a hundred dollars what do I get out of that? link to your website? anything? Product and thought has moved me to give you $100. What do I get out of that? A link to your website? Anything? What can I do for you? Please let me know.

Speaking of the fun and flirty aspect of things. Let's do a dance. Jimmy Franks. Yeah. I have two projects here. We are nearing the end of this document. This, once again, was compiled by, I'm pretty sure it's DRIYA, D-R-I-Y-A. It's a great submission.

There's a bunch of other things to read. If you go to the website, THEFBL.us, we've got a link to the document. But I'm going to give you two choices. I hope you choose correctly. Oh, me too. Man. Okay. So one of them is the BC Fallout Shelter.

All right. All right. All right. That's got potential. And the other one. Is that British Columbia or pre-Jesus? I think it's British Columbia. Inia in fact yes it's british columbia um and the other one is fucking products you know that's tough one lemon uh i i feel strongly about uh about the bc fallout shelter i think yeah you do all right yeah uh so this is

the bc fallout shelter yeah uh and uh yeah so you're in uh vancouver british columbia name is josh and uh you got a project like the caveman comic strip oh yeah this uh is josh listen uh i'm looking to bury three shipping containers for use as emergency shelters oh dear don't donors will be randomly selected to use said shelter in event of emergency. Whether they want to be in them or not. All right. Hello, everyone. Thanks for reading about my project.

I hope to build an underground bunker on my property located about one and a half hours outside of Vancouver, British Columbia. Okay. All right. I already got an excavator on my land. I hope to bury three 40-foot shipping containers to be used in the event of a global or regional emergency. So you need my money to bury the things? God willing. For lessons to use the things?

No, it's for fuel. God willing, they will never need to be used. Okay. No, it's for fuel. God willing, they will never need to be used. Okay. That's the only true sentence for Fred all night. You hope to God that those will be used. I need to secure funds to purchase three 40-foot shipping containers. Also needed will be micro-hydrogenerator for electricity, air filtration and ventilation systems, etc. air filtration and ventilation systems, etc.

I intend to randomly select several donors to use my underground bunker in the event of emergency. Of the many people that donate to this. Right. All donors will be notified of progress. All donairs? All donors will be notified of progress and have the chance to see the bunker when it's completed. Oh, that's nice.

A little ribbon cutting on the shipping container that's on the ground. Get in my shed. In the event of a nuclear disaster, the shelter could be used to survive and rebuild civilization. Fuck the shelter. Pending I'm not too close to ground zero. I'm not sure close to ground zero. I'm not sure if that means me or my sheds. Donors will be selected by fuckability.

Well, you know how it is. You know where I'm coming from, brother. I hope to enable people to survive off the land in the event of a global economic collapse. I hope to enable people to survive off the land in the event of a global economic collapse and civil unrest What other ways can I help? Well, feel free to forward any information that may be helpful for my shelter This doesn't work

I don't really have a plan So if you've got some tips, that'd be great. No, I'm kind of fine with you burying yourself underground and the shipping container collapsing on you. I'm okay with that. I'm puzzled then. If he needs to buy three shipping containers, what is this photo of a shipping container half buried? Are there other people in this community

with already semi-buried shipping containers? Well, just all you need is a gun to get that fuckers out of your shipping container. I just like how he doesn't talk about, like, access to the shipping containers. Like, he just wants to bury them. Oh, shit, I forgot to put a door on this thing. He's been crawling through the ventilation system, etc. Should have asked for a door on this thing he's been crawling through the ventilation system etc

should have asked should have asked for a door uh uh if you uh if you give me 100 bucks you know all donors will be given a chance to be randomly selected to use said shelter in the event of emergency i mean i don't even know how that would work because i mean if there was an emergency everybody would just kind of line up and i'd be judge jury and executioner oh shit the apocalypse is happening everyone needs to check their email to see if you have an invite to my quick hop on a plane from New York to Vancouver to get in the fallout shelter Jimmy Franks um one of the things that I really like about Indiegogo is that everybody gets to name their tiered rewards

really creatively. What are the tiered rewards named? You mean the only one, and it's called Donor Perk? Wait, is the donor there? I thought donars were selected. Aw, goddammit. That's the fine print right there.

This is the very last Indiegogo project. It's a very, very short one. I'm, uh, hee-hee, it's my tomb. Indiegogo fucked my thing up. They fucked it up. They fucked it up! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! They fucked it up. They fucked it up! I would fund that.

I would fund that. You can't! There's no way to fund it! I wish I could. I don't even want a perk. I'd give that guy money. Anyway, I'm HeHe22, the Grand Summoner Wizard. I'm here with Mikem Firestone, who's a homo arcane attorney.

Mm-hmm. And they fucked it up. You monsters! You fucked it up! Damn you all to hell! HeHe22 also did a project called Summon the Ultimate Crack Smoking Warlock. That one got $133. So, F+, what did we learn from this?

I'd say actually this is a lot more uplifting than Kickstarter. Go on. Because nobody got any fucking money. Yeah, I mean, not much. Only the toothpaste tube guy, which, you know, arguably was potentially the most societally beneficial. And the fucking sticker lady.

Yeah, sticker lady got close to a thousand. But yeah, lots of them, and we didn't even mention it in some cases, but plenty of these did stall out at $0. So that's nice. I mean, that's a good thing. That might actually be something that

weirdly actually works against people in this Indiegogo thing. Is that, like, is that... I mean, the flex funding is scammy bullshit, clearly. Like, I think that it might stop that initial, like, funding thing happening. Oh, yeah, because there's that part of your mind that says, well, it's probably not going to get funded anyway,

so I might as well give my niece, you know, 50 fake dollars under a stupid thing. Yeah, so you can do that with Kickstarter, but, yeah, like Indiegogo, you put that money in, that money is gone. And you just bought a sticker that ends racism. Or you helped summon the

ultimate crack-smoking warlock. And if you want to ostracize yourself on the internet by giving money to strangers, you can go to Ball Pits! Thanks so much to Drya for the submission, and if you are a fan of this funding idea, we have

one more coming up, and it's going to be even more craven. Oh, yeah. Alright, bye-bye. Bye. Bye.