The F Plus - 154: Witchyhow.com

Episode Date: November 10, 2014

We've done some other magick episodes, but we haven't yet learned the spell that causes any of this to make sense, so we're gonna keep at it. This time, it's PaganLore.com, another one man website with a bunch of poorly written spell instructions and appalling web design choices. This'll be the one where it all makes sense, I'm sure. This week, The F Plus needs to consult with our VCR.

So the greatest new singing duo, Herb and Crystal. Hi! I'm Herb. And I'm Crystal! No. Come on. Shut up. Oh no, must be the season of the rich. Welcome to the F Plus Podcast, a magical place for terrible things, read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear.

You should try to use Springer to stale water. Rainwater is best, but not for drinking brew, thanks to the way the world has become. Not blaming anyone, because I drive a car. Jackety Chick. Human, bring blaming anyone because I drive a car. Jackety chick. Human, bring forth the lust. Jimmy Franks. There are many stones for each chakra, and not every one is going to be just right for you. For further, more in-depth information on stones and crystals, just make some shit up.

Bunny bread. Love spell. You will need one part bullshit bullshit Two part suspension of disbelief LeftHanderRadio.com Will lead you to other people As well as Adam Bozarth You do not have to sleep with anyone In order to join a coven Or receive magical training But I can, right?

Yeah And Lemon Mental stress can affect you Both physically and mentally And this is why we recommend using crystals to heal your mental distress. That is why. That is why. That is why.

That's the reason. It's also clear. It's crystal clear. Hey, F+. Hey, Lemon. Hello. Hey. Hello. Hey.

Are you guys, like, operating at the forefront of your own experience? I don't know. Yeah, man. So you thought that sentence doesn't make sense, and I'm just preparing you for more that won't. Oh, good. We're going to be exploring paganlore.com. Oh, good. We're going to be exploring paganlore.com. Oh, good. You're going to be seeing the website in just a second,

but, you know, just imagine what the website looks like, because it's pretty much there. But let me tell you about myself. So my name is Kronos. Hey, Kronos. And I've been studying the ways of Celtic-based witchcraft for the past 17 years. Of course you have.

This site was constructed to help myself and others learn about witchcraft in general. And general is capitalized. So, it's a rank. I have gathered a number of information about witchcraft from over-the-web books, classes, and personal experiences. Please take a look around

and enjoy. If you have any question or information, though you wish to upload on this site, send me an email. Simple as that. That's just a nice introduction to Pagan lore. That said, here's what the site looks like. Jimmy Franks, if you'll

let us find out about our potential. Hold on. My retinas are still adjusting. Jimmy Franks, if you'll let us find out about our potential. Hold on. My coordination. Yeah, my retinas are still adjusting. See, what you do is if you want to identify text is important, then you make it big and bold. And all of this text is important. Right. That's true. You wouldn't want to miss a word there.

If you want to highlight something, put a pentagram in front of it There you go That's a bullet point Yeah, a bullet pentagram So a question that everyone has asked themselves at one time or another What is your witch potential? Read the following questions and see how you react to them Have you always been intrigued by the occult? Guilty Read the following questions and see how you react to them. Okay.

Have you always been intrigued by the occult? Guilty. Do you love the earth and everything about it? Shit, no. Everything? Does a storm stir in you an inexplicable sense of excitement? Yes, I'm a god at all. Yeah, yeah.

Boners. Are you a sensualist? Boners. Yes. Have you always felt different from most of those around you? Set apart? I went to an all-girls school. Does that count? Do you instinctively respond to animals?

When they haunt me. Generally, when an animal attacks me, I respond to it. When they scream at you, yeah, you have to react. I think I already know the answer to this question, but are you comfortable alone? Yes. Absolutely. Are you relatively indifferent to material possessions? It depends on which possessions, I suppose. Give me money.

Yeah, when you don't have them, yeah, sure. Have you had fleeting glimpses of former lives? I drink a lot, so I can't remember much of my, yeah. Fleeting glimpses of his current life. Should you find you can answer most of these questions in the affirmative, your witch potential is probably high and should be encouraged.

Wait, how do I score this? This is not a very good Cosmo quiz. There is no church to join, no tribute to pay, and no hierarchy to employ. You and you alone must concentrate on the development of your own other consciousness. Go to nature and observe. Attune your inner mechanism to the quiet pace of the seasons and the procession of the constellations across the sky.

Go alone or with that person closest to you. Watch the moon rise. Walk in the forests. Feel the earth. Drink the water. Breathe the air. Then light the sacred candles and begin the life you were meant to live. Can't we just get drunk and listen to Creedence instead? That works too.

Do stuff or not. Fuck it, it doesn't matter. Adam Bozarth, I want to walk with the moon moon. Will you help me walk with the moon moon? Sure. First, the whole screen is going to be a picture of a sword. But if you scroll down It takes a while

Before scrolling down to walking with the moon moon Scroll up to the very top right of the page What does it say? There's a button there Make this site readable Please god That doesn't help No it doesn't help No it doesn't

Oh god it's stuck now Which way Oh no I get Returned to original style Make this sight readable Anyway So working with the moon moon how does that work Pardon me I had to imbibe some brew

some witch's brew some brown swamp drink sorry working with the moon moon waxing moon this is the time of beginnings health and healing fertility psychic awareness beauty waxing information. The time from

the new moon through the first quarter to the full moon is the proper time to perform healing rituals, positive magick, and spells that increase love, good luck, growth of time, growth of any kind, sexual desire, and wealth.

Full moon, protection, love, healing, purification, money, travel, and psychic awareness. That's healing purification. You gotta purify your healing. Yeah. When the travel and psychic awareness are... You just work with sexual healing? No, that's filthy.

It's like washing your hands before psychic surgery. When I get that feeling... Oh, wait, the moon isn't waxing. Never mind. Never mind. Unclean! Full moon information. Again, this is all it says. The period

of the full moon increases the powers of extrasensory perception and is the proper time to perform lunar goddess invocations, fertility rites, transformations, spirit conjurations, and spells that increase psychic abilities and prophetic dreams. I want to just mention right here at the top that this document was made possible to us by Ameet.

Thank you, Ameet. And you dropped us in the fucking deep end. Like, how many minutes is it? And we're already talking about what spells are appropriate under what moon cycle? Yeah, I think we opened to the middle of the manual here. Oh, that's why it doesn't make any sense, guys. We just need to go back to the beginning. Well, so I've got these elements this is a very long page

and I've got these elements will you tell me about how to work with the elements there's a working with the elements section so it's working with the elements and again this is all it says snowstorms hyphen purifications comma and calming emotions common snowstorm heavys hyphen, purifications, comma, and calming emotions. I'm going to snowstorm.

Heavy winds hyphen, assist in study and travel spells. Great for breaking additions. Breaking additions. Breaking additions. Throw a subtraction in there. They'll never know what hit them. Breaking add. Scorching hot days,

hyphen, charge rights of protection, courage, and energy. And those are the only three under elements. Yeah, that's the elements, man. Snow, wind, and scorching hot days. And heart, too, probably. That's it.

So I don't know if you've noticed, but all of this has made Lemon very cross. Which is fine, because we're going to read about the Lemon Uncrossing Ritual. Lemon's Crossing, a film by the Coen Brothers. Yeah, totally. Jack-Jack, tell us about the Lemon Uncrossing Ritual. Alrighty.

It's got a chant. Of course it does. Rituals designed to break the negative power of spells are called uncrossing rituals. The lemon uncrossing ritual is simple but very effective. Oh, great. Take a cup of salt,

a fresh lemon, and your athemi, which is a witch's knife, to your altar. Light the white candles and protection incense. Anoint your brow, throat, and heart with protection oil. Really do it! Anoint the shit out of that thing. Come on. Alright, Lemon, are you following along?

We have a salty lemon, and you've anointed stuff with protection oil? See, I don't know that I'm the true V-Doer. I feel like other people should be uncrossing me. Oh, that's fair. Yeah. Well, I just figured you were a salty lemons already, so... Open ritual. Place lemon on plate in the center of Altar and cut it into four round slices.

Not quarters. Of course! Oh, shit, I would mess up. That would make me even crosser. Oh, boy. With your athene and chant. All spells against me congregate Within this lemon that's your fate

Sour spell to sour fruit You must go there cause it's your suit. Bound to this lemon evermore. Each spell against me, that's your store. All in the lemon now I see.

As my will so mote it be. Is that the right? I don't know, really, like old English. Is moat, is that really right use of moat there? You're asking the wrong fucking group of people. You're asking this fucking group?

We didn't know that. Oh, God. Professor. This is the one way to shut up F+, I guess. When you feel the chant has captured the negative thought forms in the lemon, begin to limberly sprinkle the lemon with salt as you chant, Uncrossed! Uncrossed! This salt for me! Breaks up attacking energy!

Within this sour lemon bound, now kills all spells with salt and sound. As lemon dries in salt and air, I'm freed from harm and all despair. I'm also hell-bent for leather. Rub it in your hair. Uncrossed and happy now you see, as my will so mote it be!

Of course, yeah. Is that the proper Old English use of smoke? Crickets. Use plenty of salt, and when you feel that it is finished, conclude your ritual with thanks to the elementals.

Thanks, Snowstorm. Thanks, hot day in Chicago. Leave the lemon near your altar where you can watch it. If it simply dries out as the weeks pass, your work is done. But if it should mildew, the ritual must be repeated. Jesus Christ. But if it should mildew, the ritual must be repeated. Jesus Christ. So, like, you know, we had a little, like, fun with the sort of homonym of lemon here,

but why would you need to have a lemon uncrossed? Like... I think it's the flavor of uncrossing. Huh? So it's like an uncrossing spell to get all the bad voodoo and juju off of your soul. But they use a lemon in this variation of it. I think that's what...

You just absorb all the bad energy into the lemon? It could easily be an orange uncrossing spell or a grape uncrossing spell or whatever. It could be a 76 Buick Century uncrossing spell. Make sure It could be a 76 Buick Century uncrossing spell. Make sure you cut it into circular sections. Within this sour Buick Century pound.

Funny Brad, is your court case, is it still going on? Which one? I got a lot to choose from. Okay. Well, Boots is going to help you win your court case. Yeah. Because he has a spell. Yeah, I have a spell. It's called Spell to Win Court Cases.

Oh, man, that's catchy. Yes. Have you been injured by a spell? Call the number on your screen. Call Jacoby and Myers. Jacoby is a wizard. Boots, that sounds pretty good, but could you work the word mote in there somewhere? Well, we'll see.

When the moon is in the astrological sign of Libra or Sagittarius... That's Amore. Brew a magical tea from Lovage Root. Strain the liquid into a glass container. Seal it tightly with a lid after the tea has cooled. Bless it in the divine name of the goddess, and then store it in the refrigerator until the night before you are scheduled to appear in court. Alright.

The ancient tool of magic, the refrigerator. When the time is ready, light a new black candle. Are we doing this in court? Yep. Okay. And add your... One moment. And add your lovage root tea to your bathwater.

I love the lovage, baby. That's Mike Patton. As you bathe in it and visualize yourself winning the court case, your body and spirit will absorb beneficial occult vibrations. I'm picking up beneficial occult vibrations. You'll feel a bit of a tingle. With the power of my kick, I have a mistrial! After bathing,

place the justice card from a tarot deck under your pillow. Go to bed and recite the following McGickle rhyme over and over until you fall asleep. Scales of justice hearkened and quaver. Let the judge rule in my

favor! That's the only way to rhyme anything with favor apparently yes it's to make up a word quaver it's important that all spells are actually written by Dr. Seuss or else they don't work

to make the power of the spell even more potent also brew a McGickle tea from some dried Californiaian buckhorn bark and sprinkle it around the courthouse premises at midnight. You're gonna have a new trial after this.

On the night prior to your court appearance, be sure to do this without anyone seeing you. Oh. Um, well, uh, that's all great. Hey, would you like to print this spell? Yeah, that sounds great Can I print the spell and cast?

What's the difference? You can print this spell Or you can print this spell and casting Oh, the casting is sort of like the play-by-play Here's what you do step-by-step Yeah, the casting has an awful lot of extra bullshit to it. Yeah, it gives you full steps. It involves holding a dagger.

Bring a knife to the courthouse. No, no, no, no, no. It's for a spell. It's for a spell. Well, let's see. I'm going to read something, but Jimmy Franks, I'll let you choose what you want to hear here. Would you like to hear how to bless a computer?

Or would you like to change your eye color? I really, really want to hear about blessing a computer. Blessing your computer. It's really fine. It's pretty straightforward. There's not even any upfront bullshit. It's really fine. It's pretty straightforward. There's not even any upfront bullshit. It's just straight to the spell. So here's the spell.

Blessings on this fine machine. May its data all be clean. Let the files stay where they're put. Away from the drives keep all soot. A lot of soot. A lot of soot around your disk drives. I've got a coal-powered computer. As long as chimney sweeps around.

It's all those other spells that involve you lighting candles inside your computer. Right, yeah. Oh, yeah. I wish that the forces of nature were so easy to manipulate that anybody who writes poetry at a grade school level could affect change in their life. It only works if the poetry is awful and tedious. You can write anything with tedious? No? Alright.

No, I can't. Expedious! I'm not a magician. I'm not a medias. Expedious, there we go. Alright. Anywayious! I'm not a magician. Alright. Anyway, we're still in my spell. From its screen shall come no whines.

Yeah, probably not. Let in no spikes on power lines. This is outside the computer's jurisdiction at that point, isn't it? Yeah, that's blessing. Oh, also control the weather. As oaks were sacred to the druids, let the keyboard

not suffer fluids. Oh. Please, these many gods, let me not come on my keyboard, amen. Splat! Damn it! It's a pretty sexy spell, you know.

Disc full shall be nor more than rarity. There you go. Capital the memory shall not miss its parity. How the hell can this get worse? From the modem shall come wonders. The modem, yeah. From the modem shall come wonders. Without line noise making blunders.

This is an ancient text. This is an ancient text. May it never catch a virus and all its software... Come on! Yeah, read it. And all its software stayed desirous. Yeah.

See, I would have gone with Osiris. Office XP forever. Covet my copy of Notepad++. Oh, let the printer never jam. We need that O there to really keep the rhythm. And turn my output into spam. Does that have anything to do with that? Do we want that?

I guess it was a continuation. Never do either of those things. Oh, okay. But, like, why would your printer just make spam? Never do I ever spam? Yeah. I ask of Iris, noble queen, keep Murphy far from this machine. Yeah, no Irish again.

Yay. All right. You know, and then there's lots of other really good advice. There's another spell that we'll get to in just a second. But there's also a spell of how to make a child happy. And here's a spell of how to make a child happy. And here's a spell of how to make a child happy is that you give them just sugar. Just give them

cherries and then root beer and peanut butter and apple sandwiches and yeah, just feed them sugar and then they're happy. Anyway, but that's not what we're looking at here. We're looking at just the general spell to improve life. So, Jimmy Franks, let's cover all our bases here.

What's the general spell to improve life? First, you're going to want to pick a candle and incense of the appropriate color and type for your spell. Light the incense to get comfortable. Close your eyes. Breathe evenly. Enter magical consciousness. Okay. Yeah.

Keep matches by you and a blunt knife if your nails are short. Whoa. Okay, I have both of those things. Visualize your magic circle. When you feel ready, turn towards the north. This is the realm of the powers of Earth. Their gifts are common sense, practicality, groundedness. Iron Man's there, isn't he?

That was Batman. Material achievement. Think about these gifts. Imagine also green fields, hills, stones, mountains, caves. Thanks to your spirits for being present. So hold a dagger and then hallucinate. Shit, all right. Turn then towards the east. The home of the powers of air.

Communication, clear and swift thought, freedom, intellectuality, smooth movement. These are the gifts of air. Think about these. Imagine fresh winds on a mountain peak flying. Morning light. Thank the air spirits for being present. Thanks, air. Thanks, air. Thanks, air.

All right, we don't need to turn around anymore. I'm just going to pick up my candle and hold it in the direction of the most appropriate, okay? All right. What do I do now? Visualize the power or quality streaming into the candle. Use your nail or the blunt knife to engrave your initial on the candle,

or better still, mark it with a pentagram. Yeah! Yeah! Your name's pentagram, too. Do some witch shit. Light the candle and say... Find and replace. Candle flame, candle burn, see the wheel of my life turn.

Candle burn, candle bright, turn me now towards the light. Girl! Say this three times. Okay. Give yourself a few minutes for contemplation. Perhaps light some more incense. Sure, why not? What the fuck?

When you are ready, thank each of the elements and turn. Snuff out the candle and allow your circle to fade. Now you have your special candle. Make sure you light it each day and repeat the chant three times until the candle is burnt down and or you have your wish. So, Jimmy Franks, I have a bit of a problem. So I'm trying to do this, and I lit a candle and incense, but my candle's a scented candle. Now it smells really bad in here.

It smells like pumpkin spice and patchouli? Yeah. Your life is improved! Your wish is granted. I just lit a glade plug-in on fire. Congratulations, now you're instantly living with a woman. Alright, uh, let's see, what else we got here? Oh, yes, of course, so that's the general spell to improve life.

You know, not super specific, but presumably we're all much better. And better enough people to learn about the witch ball. So, Adam Bozerth! The annual witch ball? I don't know. Maybe. Totally. Is this some sort of exercise equipment?

It's like a purity ball, but for witches. Yeah. Witch cotillion. Don't pledge your chastity to me. A witch ball is a very interesting item. Powerful and simple to make. It requires a glass jar. I use a jar about the size of a baby food jar

with a lid. A baby food jar? You fill it halfway with sharp items. Broken glass, needles, etc. Then give it to a baby. You fill the other half with some explosives. Then you fill it to a baby. You fill the other half with some explosives. Then you fill it with a liquid. Some use oil, some vinegar, others use their own urine.

That seems to be a personal choice. As long as it's wet. Hey. So we're going to be playing the game Thief at some point, right? Then you bury it in your yard. It cuts possessive any evil or bad negative things pointed at your home. They are good for a year, and then it is time to replace them. Good how?

Fresh. They're fresh for about a year. Their warranty expires after one year. I have also heard of witch balls being made with glass and then filled with string or yarn. You place them in a window and they tangle, negative or evil, as it comes to your home. For myself, I place mirrored balls in my windows

to reflect out any bad energy from the outside. I make a point to sand off the tops of the jars and remove any labels. Yeah, that's the important part. Can we do like a thinking exercise here? Imagine you just bought a house. And then you're like, this would be a really nice spot for a vegetable garden. And so you start digging up some of the ground, getting some of the rocks out of it. And then you find a jar that's full of broken glass and pee.

Yeah, this is a weird time capsule, but yeah, whatever. What do you do with it? But I think that's probably not the weirdest thing you will find at this house. Right, yeah. I think I found a hair doll in the attic. I like that at no point does it explain, like, a witch ball is a very interesting item. That's as much explanation as what you get. No, dude, it cuts and tangles evil.

Also, yeah, that's the point where she was like, I'm going to start putting quotes around words. Oh, fuck, no, I can't do that. I'll have to do it around everything. Yeah. Yeah. Cuts any evil. Mm-hmm.

Oh, like the cable line. Yeah, it makes sense. Yeah, you're burying it there just to fuck up every last thing. Oh, so it's just, yeah, okay. So it just causes damage to Comcast. Mm-hmm. At least somebody's doing something about that. Yeah. Alright, so BunnyBrand, I think it's about time for us to have

a magic wish list. I was thinking the same thing. At that point in the episode, we've got some more spells to read here, but let's make a wish list here. We should. To make a magic wish list, sit back and think about the material things you need for about 15 minutes. That's all you need, really. I've made far more important life decisions in less than 15 minutes. That's all you need, really. I've made far more important life decisions in less than 15 minutes.

All right, go. Ceiling, walls, bed, pillows. No, you're good. You're good at ceiling, walls, bed. I thought we were just doing a shopping list. I was thinking about buying one of those Amazon Fire TVs. I need to buy a ceiling. It's not need, but...

Really evaluate them, discarding what is not truly necessary, selecting only those that you must have. Then... You really need the Fire TV? Nah, well... Nah, it's fine. Yeah, pick something else,

and we do need that. Then write out a spell, asking in the name of a higher source for the items you need. Dad! Are you ready, card? spell, asking in the name of a higher source for the items you need. Dad! I need a credit card! List them and read the list over

out loud. By reciting the list, you are charging your intentions with vocal vibrations, and the projection is fortified with magical energy. Or carry it with you, or keep it in a place that holds magic for you. Do anything with the list that you want.

Put it in your butt. And now you have a list. You burned it. And now you may or may not have a list. The next spell, buying magical milk. You know, in fairness, in fairness, this is

at least a spell where something happens. At the end of it, you hang. That's true. So, now I'm seeing that there's two different spells here on PaganLore.com

to get rid of a headache. That's what we're going to do. We're going to start out with this one, Jack Chick. This seems to be a very complicated spell, but I do want to remove, this is a magical headache. So will you help us with that?

Yeah, I'm more than happy to. Great, thank you so much. Find a place to be alone. This place should be comfortably lit and full of smoke, or free of smoke and fumes. I'm not going to blow all my candles. This includes incense and essential oils. Oh, Jesus Christ! How the hell are we supposed to do this?

How could I possibly? We're asked to go to the library? Yeah, that works. I'm going to go to the Applebee's. Place two chairs, one comfortable enough to relax in, facing each other. Sit in the relaxing chair. Take two slow, deep breaths and allow your eyes... You have a super uncomfortable chair in your house, right?

Well, it's very important that you have one comfortable chair and one really horrible chair. Let's stay in the steel chair at a 45 degree angle. Please, take a seat. Not that one. No, no, the other one. the steel chair at a 45 degree angle. Please take a seat. Not that one. No, no, the other one.

Take two slow, deep breaths and allow your eyes to fall naturally on the other chair. Now instruct your central self, or your higher self, some conscious mind, or whatever you use for non-conscious workings. The part of you that wants to eat all the time. To form

an image of the pain in that chair. Remember to breathe! Thanks. This is how so many witches die. Yeah, because usually when I'm thinking about pain going in a chair, I just fall unconscious. It takes a lot of concentration. Yeah. As the image starts to appear,

concentrate on making it as detailed as possible without letting your conscious mind interfere. Once the image is complete, note its appearance, and then allow the remainder of your discomforts to flow into it. Can we... Without otherwise... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Wait, there's... Your sentence... Hang on. Concentrate on... Okay. Hang on. There's more to this, and it's really really important Lemon, so I want to get through it Okay

You need to make sure that you, without Otherwise empowering it Or lending it your energy or essence There, makes sense You see, this could have been dangerous territory Concentrate Oh yeah Remember to breathe!

While doing this When the transfer is substantially complete take two deep relaxing breaths stand up and walk away leaving the image in its chair After an hour or so After an hour or so the image will dissipate

making it safe to move the chair so the pain just like goes away yeah once it leaves the body it only survives for about two hours yeah it's oxygen is toxic to pain that's why you have to remember to breathe.

After you've successfully done this two or three times, you can start streamlining it and customizing it to suit your own tastes. If the effectiveness starts to fade, return to this method for a few times. The spell can be used for a variety of discomforts, but it can also mask medical symptoms. In the case of chronic or prolonged problems, consult a doctor immediately! Doctor, I forgot to breathe!

Oh, shit! Can you consult a witch doctor? So if I have one of those pains that's some sort of medical problem, then it should be taken up with a medical professional. I don't know if my headache is a magical headache. Well, did you look in a chair for a while? Did you remember to breathe?

I did, I did. Thank you so much. Hey, your spell. I don't like it. Why don't you like it? I don't like your spell. It's too complicated. There's all these things in it. I've got your spell. I don't like it. Why don't you like it? I don't like your spell. It's too complicated. There's all these things in it. I've got a spell. You have a spell?

What does your spell do? It's called to remove a headache. Okay. All right. Will it remove a headache? All right, here we go. All right, write this down. Rub your forehead with a stone, then cover the stone with soil. While it's still on your forehead?

Would you like to print the spell? Oh, you said I had to write it down, you motherfucker! Hey, Jim, what's with the rock and the dirt on your head? I have a headache. I have a headache. Me have headache. Me fix headache. Me have headache. Me fix headache. Me fix headache. Also,

it doubles up as how to look like Wessie Willis spell. Jimmy Frank's my cat sick Oh no Can you do anything about that? My cat I got the perfect thing for you To heal a cat Light a blue candle Place cat in your lap I got the perfect thing for you. What's that? To heal a cat. Yep.

Light a blue candle, place cat in your lap, or let the cat find somewhere comfortable to sit. Soothe the cat with loving stokes. Yo, cat! We're going to do this. We're going to heal you up, cat. Come on, cat. Come on, cat.

Soothe the cat with loving stokes until it seems like it might sit still for five or ten minutes. Close eyes and pray for a spirit vet to work through your head. Psychic vet surgery. Does that mean

veterinary? So if my furnace goes down, I can pray for a psychic electrician. You need a spirit that's seen some real shit. After a few minutes, you should begin to feel heat emanating off of your palms. You may then feel your hands being drawn to different parts of your cat's body. You may feel like strangling your cat.

Do not strangle your cat. Remember to breathe. Direct your hands to where they are drawn. Imagine the colors of the rainbow streaming into your cat. Okay, then what? Oh, yeah, my cat's healed. That's it.

Break the spell. I got a pretty great spell for you. It's called the shoe. To protect your house, Perfect. So I got a pretty great spell for you. It's called the shoe. Okay. So to protect your house, and this, you know, I don't want to complicate things. I don't want to get confused. So this is just a simple bulleted list. Okay? I mean, it's a simple pentagrammed list.

Okay. So to protect your house. Okay. Obtain an old shoe. Mm-hmm. Okay. All right. So, to protect your house, obtain an old shoe. Stuff it with protective objects. Like other shoes? What are those?

Pins, needles, nails, tacks, scissors. Wait, those are protective objects? Those all sound like sharp objects. That's how you protect yourself if a burglar comes in. You have a pin., they put on the shoe Oh, she's got a shoe with pins in it Right

Can I put urine in it yet? Right, I'm in home alone Okay Find a bowling ball. Attach it to a cord. Okay, next pentagrammed list. Add protective herbs. Rosemary, basil, bay, or fern.

Okay. Do you put the P in it now? Come on, man. Always jumping straight to the P. Okay, and then hang it in the attic or basement saying, I place this charm of power to guard my home from this hour. Wait, you guard it from the hour? Yeah, from the hour.

Like the hour is attacking your home? From this hour. From this hour, not every hour. Oh, here we go. Just this one. So we're good to go. As long as Joe Pesci attacks within the next hour. So basically...

Put a bunch of bullshit in your shoe, hang it up, and then no one will come over. I win. It helps if you hang it outside. Also, if you're naked. That's the thing I really like about this. Things are so vague. It's like, hang hanging in the attic or basement yeah just not just not on the main floor that's what matters

uh adam uh i really like what you found so um uh read what you found please you mean vengeance i do mean vengeance yes number. Number one! To shut up gossipy neighbors, sew up a doll's lips and chant the following spell. Good lord. If nothing but ill from your lips can fall, let there be nothing

from them at all. Do you have to mention the person's name? How do the spirits know who you're talking about? They'll know. I think we mean the doll. The doll's a little fucker. The doll will know. Why?

Number two. To chase away a woman who is trying to steal your man, put a doll representing her in the smelliest place you can find. Oh, way to damn it in here. Very soon, this person's living room. Yeah. And he's in her own home or job or wherever she has been trying to trap your man. And she will move away.

your man, and she will move away. I'm trying to find a smelly place, but everything just smells such lovely scent of patchouli. Patchouli everywhere, and everything smells so good. I wouldn't want to put her next to all the verbena and anise and

chub-jub and whatever. So, obviously, this is Pagan lore, and they got some spells for us, and so it shouldn't surprise nobody to learn that there's a number of different money spells. And I feel like they might be a little bit redundant. So, Bunnybread, which money spell would you like to read? Would you like to read the herb and crystal spell?

There's money involved. Or would you like to read the candle money spell? I feel we've covered candles in great detail thus far, and we haven't touched meth at all, so Crystal, please. Well, we haven't touched meth. Now, what do you mean? No, I haven't touched meth this evening within the past

half hour. Then why are you twitching like that? No, I just don't like it here. This internet makes me feel bad. Alright, well, then tell us about the spell there. Which probably will have a candle anyway.

So the greatest new singing duo, Herb and Crystal. The following mixture can be used to bring prosperity and gain money in unexpected ways. Four to five tonka beans. If you add water, they turn into trucks. One golden seal root.

Yeah. Shit. Fucking Skyrim shit. One teaspoon mustard seeds. Of course. I'd put that in everything. Three cups of sea salt. Now, what if I use Himalayan salt? Does that make it better? This will not

work at all. No, that is the Joe and crystal spill. Okay. Himalayas are not next to the sea. Three cups of sea salt. Sea salt. I'm sorry. And one clear quartz crystal just one Just grab one you know you get off your shelf of quartz crystals clear also clear quartz crystal Yes, gotta be clear. Yeah, I mean clear not clear as fuck not like cloudy like no words

No, no, Joe and shenanigans Quartz crystal and buff the Okay, yeah, fine. That's cool. Now, remember to breathe! Cover the crystal in sea salt for 12 days. Then, ruin it under tap water to recharge its electrical force.

Oh, yeah! That's what tap water does, people. That's how you fix your watch when it breaks, too. Charge electricity with water. That's how you fix your watch when it breaks, too. Yeah, you charge electricity with water. That's how you break your watch, too. I hate having Miss Fillmore for science. She can never make a good battery.

Place it with the other ingredients in a bowl and hold it in your left hand. Go into alpha. Okay. Yeah, dog! Go into alpha alpha male shit. Press LB and activate alpha mode. Go into alpha and charge the crystal and the herbs to bring you money or wealth in a way that is good of...

that is for the good of all. You didn't say about that. Yeah. I'm rich, aren't you happy for me? For the good of all. Then place the ingredients in a gold lame blue bag. Holy shit, does it really say? Oh, okay.

It does! It does really say that! What the fuck? For the rest of their lives. They have to remain in the world. Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Okay, so... What? What is it? So, I know that you're all really pissed off

that this person, Bunnybrad, has all the fucking money. Okay, so what we're gonna do is we're gonna fucking put them in the freezer. Yeah, he says for all of us, but it's not. Put them in the fucking freezer. Yeah, so this is for putting somebody in the fucking freezer. Great, cool.

Take the item representing the person and place it in a Ziploc bag or seal. What? The end. Okay, everybody ready to print the spell? It's real simple. Wait, wait, how's it go again? Okay, you take the item representing the person

and place it in a Ziploc bag or seal. And then that somehow puts them in a freezer? Well, if you put them in a seal, wouldn't they go back to the army? Every time I've tried it, it's worked. Not if it's a golden seal. Oh, that's true. It doesn't work if you use a Gladware bag, though.

Just FYI. Okay. But it does work on a great many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day. That's cool. So I've had problems with all of these. I'm not saying that all witches are bad. I'm saying most of them are good. But I've had a problem with some of the bad apples in the bunch,

and I need some methods of defense. So this is yet another pentagrammed list. So, bullet point number one. Oh, sorry, this is Dion Fortune. That's my porn name. And it's protected against an occult attack. So,

point number one. The first thing to do when dealing with an occult attack is to make a temporary clearance of the atmosphere, and so gain a breathing space in which to The first thing to do when dealing with an occult attack is to make a temporary clearance of the atmosphere and so gain a breathing space in which to reform the shattered ranks. Stop farting. Temporarily, obviously. This is more readily performed by a ritual than by unaided willpower.

Again. Yeah. than by unaided willpower. Again. Any act performed with intention becomes a right if, which apparently I didn't write the first time, if in brackets,

we take a bath with a view to ritual cleanliness. Its efficacy will extend beyond the physical plane. Water is a means of purification. It is used in the rite of baptism by the church and in the

preparation of the lace by the occultist about to perform a ceremony. I have no idea what the hell is going on. Yeah, so salt is the emblem of the element Earth. It is also a crystalline substance. And it holds electric magnetism better than anything else.

Salt. Salt holds electric magnetism better than anything else. Yeah, magnets are made out of salt. Fuck you, copper. And then skipping down a bit, it is an excellent plan. I agree. Prince.

Shit. The end. Wait a minute. This is long. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. You need to do the third bullet point.

I need to do the third bullet point. Reading through this, this is not fucking... This is a sleeper agent. Okay, okay, fine. So this is an excellent plan. The following prayers may be used for a blessing of the salt and the water. Bullet point number three.

Pointing the first and second fingers at the salt. I exercise the creatures of salt by the living God. That's a plus. And the holy God. That's also a plus. By the omnipotent God God that's a plus, and the holy God, that's also a plus, by the omnipotent God, that's a plus too, that thou mayest be

purified of all evil influences in the name of Adonai, who is the Lord of angels and of men. So I want you to know something before anything happens, I am god positive.

Well, that's fine. I mean, you know, just like hand stuff? Sure, I can do it. I mean, as long as you don't mind god watching. I mean, Bozer, if I love you, but I'm not in love with you. That's okay.

God's in love with me. So then I extend some hands over some more shit, and then I extend my hand over the entire water. I think this is bullet point number six or something. Creature of the water, adore thy creator. In the name of God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, which is lowercase, and of Jesus Christ, which isn't,

his Son, our Savior, I consecrate thee, plus to the service of God. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, amen. What fucking religion am I? Most of them at this point. Now bow three times

to Mecca. I'll take the sampler platter. Oh, there's Shiva. Anyway, so then some more shit happens, and then the water is consecrated. The water that is consecrated maybe uses a bath, or for the making

the sign of the cross upon the forehead. Or for sprinkling about the place. It's the vagaries of it all. Here's some water. Do whatever the fuck you want with it. You could probably do this thing or this completely different thing. I don't care. Put it in your witch's mouth.

Whatever. Fuck it. Burn it. Take it with you. Bury it in the backyard. Give it away for stocking stuffers. Throw it. It's a spell. Burn it, take it with you, bury it in the backyard. Give it away for stocking stuffers. Throw it away. In the name which is above every other name,

and in the power of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit, I exercise all influences and seeds of evil. Semicolon. I lay upon them the spell chains and cast into the outer darkness that may not trouble the servants of God? Who is this God we've been talking about?

I got really unsure of myself at the end. Yeah, you did. Hey, that was pretty cool. That was a pretty cool spell you had there. Thanks, thanks. I thought it was a pretty cool spell.

Yeah, I like that spell. But I want to tell you about my spell. What's your spell? It's a money-drawing spell. Oh, that's terrific. You ever wanted to draw money? I mean, like, sometimes I draw a speech bubble, and it says, like, I grew hemp.

Sure, it could be that. I don't really know. Anyway, here are the ingredients. There's Earl Grey tea and green food coloring. All right. All right, so here's what you need to know. Why not green tea, then? Here's what you need to know about...

No. No, I'm going to explain that, actually. Oh, okay. Earl Grey tea is made with bergamo, bergamot, a spice used for drawing money. So just drink a cup of Earl Grey first thing in the morning to increase your earning power. Or my sex power? Your earning power. Or do you want to print this spell?

Or my green food coloring power? Yeah. Increase your earning power, or... Give me, Franks, what you got. Well, you know, you move into a new neighborhood, and you find out that your neighbors, you just don't get along. It does happen, yep. Just got the thing for you.

To make the people next door move away. Tell them about this site all the time. Nasty neighbors? Get rid of them with urine. Used in many magical recipes as a cleansing agent thank you amazing pretty self explanatory isn't it stupid Amazing.

Pretty self-explanatory, isn't it, stupid? No, officer, I just beat up my neighbors. Who's urine are we using? I was trying to get them to move away. Oh, I thought you should use their own urine against them. Oh. You can buy it. There's a future site that will cover that in. That will be a topic in the future.

That's right, that's right. Your interest is peaked, isn't it? Next episode. Maybe. A couple episodes. Anyway. Adam! Yes? I want to get fairies into my home. Now that I got rid of my fucking neighbors. I need to get fairies into my home. Oh, thank you, Property Value!

Please tell us there's a getting rid of fairy spell? I will look while he's reading. Does it have urine involved? Well, I mean, it does say be warned once they are invited in they may never leave. Ways to attract

fairies into your home. Wow. Spend time in nature. Number two. to attract fairies into your home. Wow, that's looking for the fucking fences. Spend time in nature. Number two, meditate while sitting under trees, around lakes, etc. Hmm. Number three,

have plants or flowers inside your house or apartment. Not so much to say now, huh? I mean, yeah, no, I'm confused, but that's cool. Four, be cognizant of the abuses of nature and do your part to clean it up and reverence it. Reverence the abuses of nature?

Yep. Okay. I reverend those things mostly. Just get somber around toxic spells. Number five, involve yourself in some creative activity on a regular basis. You don't have to be an expert in it, You don't have to be an expert in it, but enjoyment of any creative activity will draw those of the fairy realm. So draw your manga tits.

That's going to sound kind of tiresome, actually. Number six, leave an area in your yard to grow wild so that the fairies can play freely. Are you sure you're not thinking of mosquitoes? Leave some standing water. Number seven, be generous in your dealings with others. And number eight, keep the child in you alive. I had to be pregnant this whole time? Now I gotta start over. Thanks.

Fairies hate abortions. They call me Stealth Tebow. Number nine plays Etch-A-Night's Fossil Sea Urchin on your mantelpiece. They were called Fairy Loaves, made

by the fairies. Those who had them would never want for food and always had fairy assistants. Like dinosaurs or sharks? Number ten, sing often. Nature's spirits gather wherever there is a song and music. Oh, for fuck's sakes.

Song and music. Oh, for fuck's sakes. Number 11. Keep your house relatively clean. No deal. Unless you're trying to attract a brownie. Most fairies shy away from mess. What if I'm trying to attract lemon squares?

Is a brownie just like a fairy covered in shit? No, no, no. I think you're talking about the little girls that go to the store and they're selling cookies. Okay, well, I've got a fairy in my home now. It's a brownie, but that's okay. Once you have a fairy in your home, never leave it monetary gifts.

A thimble of elk and a little bread with honey will do just fine. So never tip your fairies? Never. They're going to unionize. Find it offensive, yeah. They're just going to keep asking for more. Fairies are like the only left to put my fedora on. Listen, if you pay extra for fairies, fairies are gonna expect more from me, and that's just unrealistic.

Bunny Brad, I got all this bad luck, and it's a problem. Oh, no. I hate bad luck. it's a problem. Oh, no. I hate bad luck. Bad luck is bad. That's why it's called that. It's not a coincidence. I thought it was pretty convenient. That was Serendipity right there.

They named it. To make bad luck go away, at night time, light a small fire in a cold. Oh, sorry. I'm a warlock or whatever. At nighttime, light a small fire in a cauldron or whatever you have available. Excuse me. Whatever you have available to contain the fire.

Write on a piece of paper that is three inches, x three inches, the words bad luck. Then write down any bad things you do not like in your life right now. Like being on a shitty website on a Sunday night. Linda. Linda. Myself.

Then, draw a big X across the paper with a black marker. Come on. Yes. Excuse me, who's the warlock here? Then, draw a big X across the paper with a black marker. Come on! Yes! Excuse me, who's the warlock here? Is it okay if it's a Sharpie or a dry erase? I mean... Yeah, or anything. Use urine. The urine's black.

With enough STDs, anything's possible. Sure. While doing this, you should be thinking of how all these things are going to disappear from your life, never to return. See ya! Oh, and print. Then set yourself on fire! Uh, Boots? Hey, Lemon.

Got two spells in front of me. Oh, good. I want you to pick which one you want. One of these spells is called dieting. Okay. That's a spell? That's a spell, yep. Okay.

The other spell is called enemy to a friend. I'm taking enemy to a friend. That's right. I wanted to learn how to diet. Oh, shit. No, no, no. Maybe next episode. There's no other site on the internet for dieting.

Yeah, maybe next episode. All of our episodes from now on are paganlore.com That's enough of these fucking things. Enemy to a friend. To stuff. Your little fight between you and another. Kind of dismissive. Yeah.

One piece from a rosary bush. Three rose petals, the person's picture or a belonging. You must put these under or inside your pillow and keep these there for a week. Can you read that sentence again? Yes. One piece from a rosemary bush, three rose petals, the person's picture or a belonging. You must put these under or inside your pillow and keep it there for a week. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. Before going to bed, you must put these under or inside your pillow and keep it there for a week. Okay, thank you. Yeah. Before going to bed,

you must say these words. Name. I suppose put a name there. Nancy Sinatra. End this war between us. And put it in our past. These boots were made for feuding.

Or our friendship you will lust and this torment will last. The person is to stop bothering you for a while or might decide it's time to become friends. So they'll either not bother you for an hour or they'll just go right back to it.

Or not. This is effective. At least this time the result is vague. Very clear method. Jack Chick? Yes? Would you like to quiet a noisy house or would you like to cross a river?

Oh. I think I want to quiet a noisy house, or would you like to cross a river? Oh, mmm. I think I want to quiet a noisy house. Quiet a noisy house. Terrific. Alright, quiet a noisy house, please. Alrighty. Let me just, uh, click yawn link here, so I can get it in the full yellow. I think it's moat link. There it is.

Oh, yeah, my apologies. To quiet a noisy house, powder some dragon's blood, and... Whoa, what? Yeah, I'm glad you picked that one. Just do it. Don't ask, Kyle, just do it.

Powder the dragon's blood, man. All right, all right, all right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was very unprofessional. Just get more dragon's blood. It's okay. Powder some dragon's blood and in a small bottle, mix it

with sugar and salt. Oh, I had no sugar and salt. Oh, shit. Cover tightly and secure it in some place in the home where it will not be seen or disturbed. This will help things peaceful and quiet.

You gotta label your dragon's blood so your fucking roommate doesn't touch it. You have to, yeah. Who's been drinking my dragon's blood? It said Jared's dragon blood on it. Put it with the 300 other containers of magic bullshit. I don't eat Mary's yogurt.

Why are you eating Jared's dragon blood? The fuck? This might sound like a stupid question, but was Howard Hughes a witch? No, I think he was a dragon. That's how he got so successful. All those jars of dragon's blood? Come in with the dragon's blood.

Come in with the dragon's blood. Come in with the dragon's blood. Hey, Lemon. Yeah? Can you teach us how to prolong life please Oh god well okay but I mean I can teach you how to prolong life But

I need to search for what you're talking about Um It's like two up from crossing river Alright so okay fine that's fine So here's how to prolong life Here's how Here's how to get rife. Here's how. Here's how to get your.

And I'm dead. Here's how to prolong life. Okay. So brew a tea from the harb known as life everlasting. And before you drink it, these ancient magic magickle words. Chills and ills! Pains and bains!

Do your fasting and life everlasting! And the last spell right here. This is the very last spell that we're going to be doing on PaganLore.com, and Jimmy Franks, we need a spell that's of the now. We need a spell that's of the moment. This is a Twitter buzzfeed kind of age.

So bring me something from the zeitgeist, please. VCR verification spell. Are you a VCR? Science pointer, yes. Have I used you in the last 10 years? Blinking 1200. 1200.

No. Feeling uncertain about something? Get the answer from your video cassette recorder. While thinking about a specific question, randomly choose any movie and put it in the player. Jerry Maguire? Debbie Does Dallas? The porn pile or the not porn pile?

Dwarf on Golf You have a not porn pile? Smaller pile Fast forward the movie Again keeping your question in your mind And repeat three times Pictures that move Pictures that fly

Bring to me a true reply. I mean, they move, but I don't know about the flying. Stop the movie and listen to the first phrase spoken and write it down. This will somehow answer the question. I'm not really clear on the details, but it'll be fine. You know, I was having a lot of trouble in my life. I was lost. I had a burning question, and then my VCR spoke to me and said,

There's a ass in my wife's cock in the driveway. The paper acts as a portable charm to enable effective action. Print this spell! Half plus. Yeah. What? What did we learn from this? I mean, I learned how to fucking

direct my life using my VCR that I still have. Yeah, I learned that I need to go get a VCR if I want to fucking direct my life using my VCR that I still have. Yeah, I learned that I need to go get a VCR if I want to get myself a life. You can somehow answer the question. Yes. I love that there's no end to the number of spells you can make that... There's no explanation of how they work, of what they're even supposed to do. In almost every single case,

it's just like, oh, you want a spell that makes your breakfast tasty? Just, you know... Put some metals in it. Yep. Stick a jar in your fireplace. Yeah. I know that I need two of...

Or I need more of two things, and that's shoes and piss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you go through a lot of both of those in the spells. Yeah. I mean, I've been burying jars of urine and garbage in my backyard just because I don't have any room for them in my house anymore. But it turns out I've been protecting this place the whole time.

Yeah, has anybody come over and bothered you? Not once. Well, aside from the state. All 11 of them? Yep. Just the ones that have nothing else to do nowadays. Oh, all five of them? Joe Latrullio, get out of here.

Get out of here, Todd Hollaback. That's well done. What's Todd been in the last 12 years? Anyway, yeah, it's I mean, I wonder, do you think that in this, because obviously

we've done this site, we've done Spells of Magic. I think there was one more along this line, if I remember correctly. Oh oh yeah yeah but um but do you think that there's that there's communities where they kind of like bet this shit or like is oh yeah are these peer-reviewed spells yeah clearly a lot of people here being the important word there like is there a wikipedia of spells yeah oh my god it It's a great question. Like, the people, the people, like, do people look at these sites and they're like, ah, that's bullshit. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Everybody knows. You don't put fucking rosemary in the thing, you put thyme in there. Any asshole knows this. Because presumably, I mean, there's enough of these people and, know the self indulgence was important but they've got to have some sort of like codified is that the thing with these people there's no such thing as really a codified

belief it's just all sort of vagaries and general voodoo? Yes yes 100% fucking yes. Yeah, I mean, like, think about the stuff

they're trying to solve. And it's all like, you know, repairing relationships or trying to get people to move away or whatever. Yeah. And they're trying to

affect these things by essentially doing nothing between person to person. It's all just, like, isolation. Yeah, these are the folks that can't get a Magic 8-Ball but do have a VCR. But to me, it's amazing that these people think

they can affect change in their life this way. And it's clearly not going to be effective. But they just keep going back to these methods and they have that fail-safe of like, well, it probably just didn't work. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing. Because it's belief-based, if it

didn't work, well, I must have fucked up my belief. That was the problem. Yeah, I didn't do it right. Or I didn't do it hard enough. I found the only page on this site that actually uses the font Comic Sans. Say what? Yeah, one page uses Comic Sans, and it says it's the herbal danger list.

And it says that it's got a list of different herbs that you should stay away from. And it says that if you are pregnant, you should avoid, for example, Penny Royal. I mean, yes, probably, unless you don't want to be pregnant. But it also says that, yeah, if you're pregnant, maybe stay away from Nightshade. But, you know, if you're not pregnant, then fuck it, it's fine. It seems like there's ones that you should be aware of if you are... Anybody should be aware of.

Like Belladonna. Yeah, always stay away from Belladonna. If you see her around, just go the other way. And Angelica. If she's on TV, turn the channel. The website is always thefbl.us

Also, if you got Jimmy Frank's Dorfong Golf Reference, and you want to find a place to talk to people as old as you are, go to Ball Pit. If you remember the golden age of the VCR, come to Ball Pit. I think I had a football one. I didn't have the golf one.

I had a different one. But yeah, dhefpl.us. We've got documents of all of all these episodes, so lots of stuff that hasn't actually been read. You can read on the website. And goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye.