The F Plus - 16: Press X To Not Live

Episode Date: February 2, 2010

This week, we look at the concept of Video Games as Art from several different angles. First, we take a trip to the forums of The Escapist, where members get awards for watching cartoons and talk about what kind of assault rifle is the sexiest. If we are to believe their hype, these are the new game consumers, so what do they have to say? Secondly, we look at one of the oldest philosophical arguments in history, but through the eyes of a video game fan. Then finally, we get to the content itself, and read lines directly out of Need For Speed Underground 2, just to see the kind of art these video games have

BGM Hey there, welcome to the F Plus Podcast, broadcast from a delusional finasty world. My name's Lemon. And I'm Joe. And this week we decided we'd get something a little close to our hearts, a little close to home. The theme this week is video games. Ah, yes, video games. What would Shuttons do without them? Now, our readership for the F+, such as it is, it's a group of people that typically do play video games together.

And something we know a certain amount about. do play video games together. And something, you know, we know a certain amount about. But there's other people that they take a little bit more seriously than we do, I suppose. See, yeah, that's the thing. You know, after a recording, we may jump

on Team Fortress 2, or, you know, usually we'll jump on Left 4 Dead 2 these days. The thing is, you know, when we're jumping on, all we're thinking is, hey, let's play a fun game with funny characters who shoot zombies in the face. Some people, however... And be really annoying about it. Well, you know, when we're jumping on, all we're thinking is, hey, let's play a fun game with funny characters who shoot zombies in the face. And be really annoying about it. Well, of course, that too. That's all part of it. But some people on the internet, by some people I mean a lot of people, see video games as more of a deep thing.

Where, you know, maybe the zombies represent this. Or maybe the characters are developed this way. Or maybe, maybe, maybe, you know, all this stuff is really deep in video games and i'm a little sympathetic to it there's there's this concept of games as art that's been happening for the last uh realistically maybe the last like eight years or so and and it's this idea of you have this little section of reviewers that think that you know you should have you should have a video game version of, say, Full Metal Jacket, or you should have a video game version of Glen Gary Glen Ross. Like, the video game version of an actually good movie, which, you know, doesn't happen.

I mean, you have, like, good video games, but even with good video games, the storyline is lackluster at best. Yeah, and I'd say there are some examples that rise above the crowd. That's, you know, like Silent Hill 2. I think Silent Hill 2 is an awesome story, and the gameplay fits in with it too. Yeah, but let's not get too nerdy about that. No, okay, but my point is that, see,

the whole video games as art thing takes video games really seriously. And like you said, I mean, there can be good video games, good video game story. And I think there's a lot of art in the craft of building a video game that's separate from the story. But taking video games really seriously leads to its own, how should we say, cognitive dissonance. How should we say? Cognitive dissonance. So one of the guys that's come out of this is a guy named Yahtzee Crowshaw, who does videos that I personally like, that I think are funny. Yeah, they're funny. And it's a sort of humorous take on this idea of video game bazaar,

and trying to sort of make that happen. However, the site that this guy is on... Oh, God. Oh, god oh really well that's a whole disaster in its own self um there's let me let me expand on that there see the whole there's this whole thing with you know you have your game magazines there's like game informer egm which i don't i think they're defunct but whatever you but you know you have video games and they're basically hobbyist magazines you know they're for video games what Cycling Weekly is for bicycles. Right, you get pretty pictures. Yeah, like in Calvin and Hobbes, you had Chewing Monthly or whatever.

You know, that kind of thing, that kind of idea. But there's this whole section of video game nerds taking video games too seriously, and they want the new video games journalism. They want the gonzo video game journalism. They want the Lester Bangs the hunter s thompson of video games to come forth wow and it gives birth to something like the escapist where they're trying to take real like super you know high-end journalism into something that's basically just talking about zombie shooting games and such yeah so they're talking about you know how

how you know the plague of the Dark Ages is brought to life in Left 4 Dead 2 and other such things. There's also hilarious cartoons where there's a group of dogs that are video game designers and a girl

that sings folk songs about video games. It's a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible place is what I'm saying. Oh, and don't forget the just exact rip-off of the Onion news network, like CNN taking off of that. Let's do what the Onion does with CNN and do it for video games. And while we're at it,

the exact rip-off of Mystery Science Theater except for without the funniest in it. We could go on and on, but the Escapist is a terrible site, and there are forums, so let's just get to those. Yeah, and before we jump into the forums, I want to point out, see, that's the whole idea of the whole Escapist site, is that they're trying to do this gonzo new video games journalism.

And then you get to the forums, and you see the constituents of this kind of website. And they're not what you'd expect from something that's supposed to be high-end journalism. In fact, it's pretty much the regular dregs of Internet society that you see everywhere. But seeing that kind of thing in this kind of high-idea website, which isn't very good, but still a high-idea website, is really great. It's not exactly a highbrow conversation, but it wants to be. Let's get to our readers. Let's go.

In the room tonight, we have Acey Rockawaddle. You're gonna get fully felt on this one, boy. Portex. It's the big X coming at you strong. Boots, rain gear. Quit your fashion and get it real.

John? It don't ever look like much, but be clear. You disrespect the X and it will get you fully bent. Jack check. Hey, Holmes. Looks like the Bayview Beach Club got lost on their way to the monthly social. He's happy about it. Squiddy McConway.

This is hard, boy. Oh, yeah. Damn. Stog. We going hard. Knockout racing going down. And you're invited. Quit your barking and make a stand, yeah?

And Lemon. Woo-hoo! Old McDonald is rolling up and up from the country. This one is called Times When Ellipsis You plus parents plus gaming equals embarrassment. Oh my. Yeah.

So this one time I was like beating off to oblivion. Yeah, that's pretty much the post. Yeah. Oh my stars. I'll take the OP here. Portex, you want to take the first one? Jack, do you want to take Black Shark 1-1?

Oh, I do. Yay. I guess, yeah, Acer, go for... Gaming Awesome 1. Gaming Awesome 1. All right. I... Gaming Awesome 1. Gaming Awesome 1. All right. I like Gaming Awesome 1's avatar picture. Never underestimate the stupidity of idiots.

Dude, I made an avatar out of my T-shirt. I'm surprised it doesn't have sheeple in there. That's kind of what you expect when you say idiot. Never underestimate the blueness of the sky. God, that idiot was stupid. Man, you guys don't even fucking know, dude. Look at Black Shark 1's achievements here. Ubermensch,

which says, games are the new supermen? Gamers. Oh, gamers. That was the Nietzschean model. Like, Friedrich Nietzsche knew that video games would exist One day And the people who played them would become the Nietzschean

Superman Right and then Titanium Spork Haha Sporks random Okay Okay here we go guys Times when You Plus parents plus gaming equals embarrassment maxwell hyphen

yod hyphen infamous scribbler i don't know about you fellow escapists but back when i was living at home there were certain games that i felt extremely awkward about having my mom walk in on. He talks about living at home like he's not living at home now. Anyways. I live with my dad now. They're divorced. And no,

the answer is not my penis. That was strictly multiplayer. Ho, ho, ho! Slapped my thought. Yeah, right. I walked right into that one. Yeah. Some of those titles included a bloody little gem I had on my comp called Doom.

Another was the PS2 port of Unreal Tournament. Lastly, there was an incident where my mother walked in on the room whilst my character from GTA 3 was having a hooker as a post-mission dessert. All in all, I guess so. Didn't know that was a GTA.

That's why it's corroding the youth of today. Oh, okay. All in all, I felt extremely awkward being that people were either exploding or were simply the demons of hell or that the image on screen was that of a rocking

car with the soundtrack of Keija and moaning. But back to you. What were some gaming moments? What the hell was that sentence, by the way? But back to you. What were some gaming moments? What the hell was that sentence, by the way? But back to you. What were some gaming moments that involved your parents and blood rushing to your cheeks? Maybe daddy walked in on you watching your night elf dance?

Pants about your ankles? Which didn't happen to me. It might have happened to you all. Yeah, it could have happened to me. It might have happened to you all. Yeah, it could have happened to me because my penis is multiplayer. Or maybe you walked in on him and his. Fun for the whole family? Fun for the whole family was a footnote to his penis being strictly multiplayer.

Yeah, so that makes sense, right? Let's make that lame joke even funnier. Back to you! That was a joke? Uh, sure. So video game jokes and incest humor. Man, I am sure I'm glad that this exists. Thank you, escapist.

We have Frankie D, who has gone gonzo. It would have to be Unreal Tournament Gold and GTA San Andreas for me. Nothing quite like having your dad walking by and overhearing a dropped F-bomb. No. Oh, no. F. Fuck. Black Shark 121.

Muckraker. Parents walked in on the FFX laughing scene. Ugh. Ugh. I think there's a scene in Final Fantasy X where the characters are laughing and it's really creepy, uncanny valley,

psycho-sounding laughing, but it's supposed to be cute, or something like that. It's just really bad voice acting. It's just irritating. Yeah, the lead hero and heroine that love interest are just like, they had a funny moment, and it's just the worst voice acting laughing, you know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And scene. Gaming Awesome 1!

He's gone gonzo, by the way. Oof! Harsh! The fact that my mother is better at 1 versus 100 than me. Oh, man. That his mother knows more stuff than him, yeah, that's embarrassing. Well, she's a girl. Damn, that's harsh.

He must be one of the idiots referred to in his avatar. What gave you that impression? I can't get over these achievements, too. There's an achievement here. Pixel Kingpin has read 150 stolen pixel comics. So you looked at 150 webcomics.

You've achieved something. All right. Well, no, it doesn't say he enjoyed any of them. Longmaster hasn't failed one million times. I wonder how many of these people just clicked through every single comic

just so they could get this stupid little square. Oh, totally. Let's see. Storms, who is a muckraker. Most JRPG love scenes when in English the acting

is so awkward I can't help but feel a little weird when they're upstairs near my room. Now, by love scenes, you mean like tentacle rape, right? Well, it's JRPG, so yeah. Raping a cat girl.

Yeah. Aw. Aw. Alright, so this is distorted stew who has gone gonzo and he has achieved pony

can it be under the tree a real live pony oh I bet that's a really funny like inside joke on the forums I'll bet it is I think it's a really funny inside joke on the forums. I'll bet it is. I think it's a really funny not inside joke. I'm laughing.

Door bursts open! Are you winning, son? It's the menu screen, dad. Oh, man. Are you winning, son? You know that dad totally knew what he was doing. Yeah, that's funny. That's really embarrassing.

Do these people even read words? Do they know what things mean when words are put down on internet paper? No, no, no. They should really have voice actors to read them to. He's right, see, cause I had a similar situation like that. You know, a door burst open. Are you winning, son? I'm jerking off, Dad. Are you winning, though?

So the answer is yes, then. Oh, yes! Okay, then. I bet he texted his best friend and said, dude, my dad's totally lame. And his friend responded, lol. See, things were way better back in the early 90s because instead of texting his friend, he could have paged him.

Whoa. See, I'm trying to bring some topical humor here. Yeah, my mind, it's blown. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I don't have my Kevin Eubanks laugh ready. Here we go. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha, ha, ha, dad. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Anyway, here's something very interesting. Well, you know, they're playing video games, and the dad burst in on him. Isn't that funny? Ha, ha, games. Ha, ha, ha. Well, that was topical.

I love you, Jay Leno. Have my chin, baby. You didn't say Monica Lewinsky once. Congress and... I'm going to get into stand-up and that's going to be my first impression. Here's Jay Leno talking about video games. Just a chin, baby.

I just made sure. His lips up the chin. Oh, God, no. That's what's under that thing. Imagine it looked like a California raisin, I think. It would just have arms and legs coming out of a chin. Santo Uno. Once when I played No More Heroes, my mom

walked in while I had the Wii remote to my ear, listening to the hot foreign slut talking to you via your cell phone Oh god She was squirming and yelling some nonsense and I laughed but when my mom heard it too I felt more embarrassed

Really? Really? Do you have the capacity for shame? I don't really feel that you do What's so even God I'm not even quite sure what that means It's just like So your mom overheard something happening on a video game Through your Wiimote?

His mom walked into his wet dream That hot foreign slut I'm doing the finger quotes here Doesn't even say anything remotely erotic When she's talking to you on the cell phone. She's like, you're going to die really horribly, and you don't stand a chance against these guys. Go into the Garden of Madness!

I'm imagining the hot foreign slut is Canadian and has that exact voice. Go into the Garden of Darkness, eh? Actually, she sounds like a German trying to impersonate a French woman. Hmm. No, I like it better in the version I have in my head here. Oh, yeah. It's probably better that way.

Is it me? It's you. It's me? Oh, it's me. My comment's stupid, though. Pimpeter2, who is known for he has received and read messages from a hundred people. Wow.

And this is in response to the dad busting into someone's door. He simply says, your dad is awesome sauce. You know, when I won the game, I produced some awesome sauce, too, but I cleaned that out. Oh, my. I'm going to pour your dad over my chest, and then I just want to lick him off.

What? Is there any filter between your brain and your mouth? No. All right. Awesome sauce. I love you. I love you. Awesome sauce.

I love you. I love you. Alright, let's cut down just a bit to Andy from Monday. Okay. There's another one under Andy from Monday. Somebody read that one, but I got another one under that that's great. Andy from Monday, his achievement is literally... It's all yous. I'm going to point out that that's a quiz award.

Yes, it is. That was a quiz that he took. Wow. I'm betting it's another hilarious inside joke. So I'm reader number two, so is. That was a quiz that he took. Wow. I'm betting it's another hilarious inside joke. So I'm reader number two, so is this me? Sure. Okay. Okay.

Andy from Monday, who has gone gonzo and has some horrible achievement nerdery thing that I'm not going to read. He plays Red Faction. Ooh, that's cool. I was playing GTA San Andreas. My dad was in the room reading a newspaper nine. He broke the silence and started talking.

So, um, son, what are you doing right now? Playing a game. What are you doing right now in that game? Well, I just robbed a store and killed about 20 cops in the process of escaping then i went to conquer some of my enemy's turf and slaughtered about 18 of them at the moment i'm being chased by the police good to know son good to know I'll just go to the bathroom. That was a weird moment. I guess the killed 20 cops and the slaughtered 18 of my enemies set the mood a bit. Yeah, your dad was fucking with you there, guys.

Yeah, I'm sure he really said it in that voice, too, and I'm sure the dad was just like, Oh my God, I'm sorry I asked. Christ. As he left, it's like, Oh God, my video games made my dad take a shit. I'm so embarrassed. He's just going to go into the bathroom and weep over never getting a grandchild.

X, O, and Y. Okay, X, O, and Y. X, O, and Y is a Pulitzer laureate. And one of the achievements is Cat Box. Oh my gosh, kitties. Mew, mew, mew. Because kitties. Mew, mew, mew. Mew, mew, mew. Because kitties. Anyway, okay.

During my WoW raiding days, my mom would come in and question me. Questions are always the same. I don't understand. What's so fun about this thing? Does it get you a job? Does it earn you any money? So you just go into a place and kill monsters. What for?

Can't you do something useful for a change? Don't you have anything else to do other than sit there for eight hours? Do you know what those people? People? My mom keeps bugging me about needing a job and stuff. What a noob. I just love that his reaction is his mom has been just basically begging him. It's like, grow up, get a job, get out of the house.

And you're just like, that was embarrassing. Click, click, click. All right, well, in response to that, I need to read you the misdversword. Can I touch on one subject before you move on? Absolutely. In his profile, real name, Louie, location, UK. Birthday, April 5th,

1986. Occupation, chef. Chef, huh? When he cooks up the ramen on the family's table. I aced cooking mama There you go So most gaming Embarrassing moments

Nothing really My mentality is You don't like it? Get out of my room Not that I say that But that's my mentality. Hell, when I was younger, I used to find the worst possible scenes filled with blood, gore, etc.,

and make sure to play just that part as my parents would walk in so that they would leave me alone! Edgy. On the other hand, I was always very grateful to my mom for knowing that the M-rated games were fine for the time

at the time for my 11-year-old self, and not worrying about it. She did ask. I explained. She said okay. She bought the game. What? He doesn't say what game. No, I think it was I'm a horrible child in person because my parents

didn't raise me right tournament. Oh, wow. Which is really gory. Which is ironic because it's not tourney legal. There's a lot of competition in that tournament. I think Mr. Swerve is winning, though. All right, are we ready for a conversation about nerd boyfriends? Yes.

I've got something that sort of segues into that based on this thread. Oh, take it. From Maxion. Trust me, sometimes it can be weird, especially when my 86-year-old grandfather can get four girlfriends and I can't get one. I like it. The grandpa's probably like, well, all I need is Viagra

and an actual likable personality. I can get to the first one, but I don't know about the other one. The ladies like it when I gum them on their places. Oh, the gumming episode is later. I got about half enough material for a gumming episode. Oh, Christ.

Oh, yes. Oh, my God. Oh, yes. Okay, yeah, this is pretty terrific. Okay, so this is about nerd boyfriends. My name is Sardonyx, and I've had 15 posts in a year. And one of my achievements is has set an avatar. That's quite an accomplishment. Yay.

I'm going to be honest. I love nerd guys. I find they're intelligent, helpful, and generally more romantic than most people give them credit for. That's not true. She's not at all sardonic, of course. Sardonic. If you have a girlfriend, what's the most romantic thing you've done for her? If you don't, what would be the most romantic thing you would do when find her?

Espiritu exterminatus. We exchange massages almost daily. I massage her head, face, neck, back, arms, legs, and feet. She massages my penis.

I feel it's a fair exchange. Oh yeah. That's a fair exchange. Oh, yeah. That's a classic. That's a classic right there. She sucks me off. Yeah! She massages my penis.

Can we all just have a go at that line? She just had a burritos-flavored man pop. She massages my penis. Anyway, nerd boyfriends are usually just more desperate. It is amusing at first, but kind of sad how quickly they become whipped. Uh, yeah. And next this is Deadly Glitch, a Pulitzer laureate.

And in response to the she massages my penis line, he goes, I don't believe it. I don't believe it. It's shocking, isn't it? It's so terrible. Oh my, this next one

starts off beautifully. Oh, is this one starts off beautifully. Is this one mine? Yeah. Get some chips. Yeah, hang on. Get your chips. It'll be perfect for the first line. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh my God, yes it is. Oh God. Well, I met my girlfriend on the last third bedroom one of the dirtiest stories ever long distance relationships are hard but we've been going strong for about a year and a half now there was one time and i realized i had been kind of neglecting her. I felt horrible about it

and dedicated myself to paying more attention to her. The first step in that plan was to go out with her mother. Her family likes me

so I can do stuff like that. To have a dozen roses bought and scattered around my girlfriend's room as soon as at work. I also mailed handwritten apologies to her. Put it on her desk for her to read when she got

back. Since then, I've had her mom put one of her favorite candles in her room every time she's at work. Oh, wow. A bit on the nerdier side, for Valentine's Day last year I was learning to code visual novels, very basic video games, and I

created a kind of an interactive love letter for her with some questions for her to answer and everything. She loved that. Especially since you could answer no. Not interested. And welcome to the Escapist. You'll find this community to be one of the more intelligent online communities.

Hey, guys. If also, well, you'll see. It's a great place. Enjoy. I also like that in response to what's the most romantic thing that you've ever done, he's like, I got our mom to do some shit.

I now have fucking crackers all over my goddamn house. Can I just say one of the best readings possibly in the history of F-Plus? That was fantastic. You did biased justice there. You did, I think.

Yeah, I'm like picking little cracker bits off of the fucking piece of the beer. Oh, this is so gross. Irish delinquent. I don't have a girlfriend, but I remember something I did for a girl back in my first year of college. It was nearing Valentine's Day

and I felt like putting my newly acquired gift-making skills to use. So I made a virtual Valentine that had an Autobot symbol spinning around into a heart like in the old Transformers show. I even managed to get that lovely old sound, so I sent it to her and she loved it. Shame things didn't work out between us.

But that's neither here nor there. Coincidentally, she dumped me right after I did that. Turns out she's never seen the Transformers before. Oh, and in response to the guy who gets penis massages. Thank you for ruining a thread with good potential. Reported. I'm reporting

you right now. Girls never give anyone handjobs. Ever. It's against the law. Okay, the next message, the next actual message isn't that interesting, but I love the person who posted it. Yeah, I was going to point out.

It's called Etha Ninja, which is supposed to be like Ethan and Ninja sharing an N. Infamous Scribbler, the icon for the person is a wolf with glowing eyes. I think it's in the map. It is a lens flare. I think it's in the matter of internet. It is a lens flare. I'm almost positive he has a lens flare for an eye. You might be right.

What I really love is we finally – I knew it was going to happen eventually. We finally have one of these achievements that's just a cheeseburger. And it's for watching one episode of one of their horrible cartoons. But finally, I just want to see a cheeseburger achievement under that name. Because that's the one they're achieving the most. Okay. It's a message to the I don't believe it to the massaging the penis. And his message is, incoming!

Maybe it's a pun? What does that even mean? It's a pun. It means he's a wolf with lens flare eyes eating a hamburger. Yeah, you can imagine a wolf saying it I'm coming I'm coming Okay, now to a wolf with a hamburger in its mouth

I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming Alright, so this here is Zen5887 and he's gone gonzo and he has a bunch of stupid achievements. Yeah, this is our second encounter with Zen5887.

He was in the first thread. He's very Zen. My girlfriend has a nerd boyfriend. That's me! Equal sign, capital D. Oh, this is so great. Oh. Go ahead, go ahead.

Dick's smiling. Keep going. French toast, could you please stop ruining my thread? It's making me sad. I'm sorry. I can't hold it back. I know, I know. I'm gonna duct tape your mouth shut. Post-romantic thing. Hmm.

I made her a candlelit dinner. Uh, equal sign parenthesis. And I helped her a candlelit dinner. Equal sign parenthesis. And I helped her play Pokemon Snap. Yay! It's like a Dean Martin song. I made her a candlelit dinner. And then I helped her play Pokemon Snap. Okay.

Like Tom Waits, I'm thinking. And then I helped her play Pokemon Snap. Okay. You're like Tom Waits, I'm thinking. Then I watched Pokemon Snap. Okay, this is Cowabunga. Well, I don't have a girlfriend. Oh, what a shock! I do have special feelings for someone, but we kind of had to put the next step on hold for now.

Right now, I'm already prepared to give up my whole life for her and leave everything I have behind, but I'm not sure if I can call that romantic. No, that's probably suicidal. Please stop. Um, gee. Let me guess, you're a nice guy? I've always seen myself as the romantic type, but it's hard to make something up on the spot, you know. I guess I could collaborate with friends slash family on Valentine's Day

or a special anniversary to create a treasure hunt. I would prepare clues, hints, and directions, hand them out to people I trust, and if they screw it up for me, I'll hunt them down until the end of times and consume their souls. Oh! I wonder why you don't have a girlfriend.

What a great turn that took! Yes! On certain spots, each person holding a rose to give to her when she gets there, she would end up on a nearby hill or park or something, a pretty secluded spot. Underneath. Where I prepared a picnic. That's not how you spell picnic.

No, it was going to select a person named Nicholas. We were going to select a person named Nicholas. We were going to pick him. Yeah, you've got a selection of Nicks. Pick one. Ben, much better than me. You can have your choice. It's the most romantic thing I've ever done.

And then they consume his soul. This is all going to hell. That's it. That's it! And we'll just... Stick it up your ass. And we'll just eat together while we watch the sunset. And later, just lay hand in hand watching the stars. And I shall massage my penis!

Massage my penis. That'd be pretty romantic, I guess. How does that sound, OP? Please approve of me. Relies on a lot of people, though. Will you take me? Maybe I could work out a version that doesn't require a crapload of other people.

Although the roses are a nice touch, I think. So, so in summary, his whole idea of the most romantic thing would be to take all of his friends, have them stand around with a flower all day, and then at the end have the most unimaginative

romantic evening ever. This is a winner. Not just that, but force his girlfriend to go on an orienteering hunt all over the fucking city. But at least Nick is there. So now all your friends hate you

and your prospective girlfriend has hay fever. Great job. But also the prospective girlfriend has now fever. Great job. But also the prospective girlfriend has now just run off with a fictional character. I keep getting the short ones here. Okay, it's Ken Guendo, Gon Gonzo. What's his achievement?

Pillar of the community. Has been added as a friend by 50 others. Oh, good for you. Vampire Shiv. With Shiv spelled as S-H-Y- Y-V. Wouldn't that be a shive? A shive. Empire Shiv. With Shiv spelled as S-H-Y-V. Oh, God. Wouldn't that be a shive? A shive.

And so this is to the I don't believe it to massaging the penis. What don't you believe? That he has a girlfriend? That she massages his penis? That he has a penis? Oh, please don't let him have a penis. I'm going with the last one. You keep getting the short ones specifically about the massage the penis line.

It's the line he was born to say. I know. Okay, I'm going to do the next one because it's a girl, I guess. I'm not really into romance, to be honest. Sure, my boyfriend's done a lot for me, but I don't see the point in all that flowers, poems, and chocolates business. Also, I'm not a girl. I don't see the point in sentence construction.

Also, the nerdy guys that have liked me have all just been stalkery and creepy. I want the next one. I think she knows what's up, I think. These guys are going to take that as a challenge. Okay. Easy Evil. Pulitzer Laureate. He has a stalker avatar.

Quoting Nicole 1207. Also, the nerdy guys have liked me. Have all just been stalkery and creepy. Yes, we are. Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh. OT. I don't have a girlfriend, but I know someone

who got his girlfriend a gaming PC as a birthday gift. They cosplay play together. Oh, God. Oh. Oh. This is Violence.

She's a copy clerk. No laureate, I guess. At, okay, which one is Zen's anyway that she's responding to? That would be the guy who plays Pokemon Snap. Oh, the Pokemon Snap one, okay. At the Zen 5887. Duh.

How sweet. The most romantic thing he's done for me is ask me to play Dragon Age while he watches. Just kidding! Oh, you got me. Furious angry typing.

Well, my favorite date of ours was when he picked me up and we went through his rich neighborhood and stole a bunch of plants for our garden. It was totally stupid. And we had to vacuum all the dirt out of the car after. But we thought of getting caught was exciting and funny. I also liked that he humors my weirder interests like UFOs and ghosts and Animal Crossing. It's like exhibitionist

for boring people. I tried to put on my sexy voice. That's my hot get it on voice. It was very effective. It was my sexy sling blade. My penis is totally hard.

Sound pretty sexy. Oh, yeah. I like to toss baby. Weird beast love of some sort. Okay. All right. This is, Why is being gay still considered a bad thing?

And it is full of teeny angst. Okay. Why is being gay still considered a bad thing? By Kyle the Peon. I personally don't discriminate. You like someone as rugged slash busty as you? Cool, that's nice. Let's get back to some Mortal Kombat, eh?

But whenever I go to school, it seems the best, or best received by some of the cool kids, followers anyway, insult is to call them gay slash lesbian. You are such a gay slash lesbian. How is one's sexuality supposed to be a bad thing at all? I'm utterly confused here. Could you escapist help me find this out? Yeah, I could if you weren't such a gay slash lesbian. Furbert. Because people are impressionistic

and easily led and some bigot ages ago decided that being gay was a bad thing. Now, people use that as a justification to be mean to people, because it's accepted subconsciously as the status quo. Frankly, being gay seems like a great idea. Less children running around the place. Oh, snap! Child-free hardcore? Oh, Lord knew because religion

caused religion Frankie D you're in that point of your life where young men are insecure about their sexuality so they want to tease someone else about theirs in hopes of making them feel insecure either that or they're just being sarcastic

Robert 632 because they're ass being sarcastic. Robert632, because they're assholes. End of story. Man. They're all assholes. End of story. B slash C, some old book is like a man, a woman, nothing else.

And because it's different, humans are resistant to change no matter how you say you are progressive what using the term gay to describe something just started at a time when it was fashionable and it stuck as an adjective and no it is part of the local jargon in my state that's um well i can't write well that's uh well that's usually the high school mentality of no one can ever change, ever. Well, that's like,

well, because he's saying an old book is like a man. Oh. An old book is like a man, a woman, nothing else. Yeah. Okay, so he's working on a stand-up act. She Wolf 51.

It's because people are idiots, and apparently if you're different from what's seen as the norm, then it's supposedly a bad thing. To some people, anyway. So it might be a bad thing to some people, possibly. I'm glad she added that. Well, this conversation is wrapped up. Ultra paranoia.

Because calling someone a fag is still an effective insult, much like calling them a retard. If people would stop getting their panties in a wad every time someone uses gay to bash something, it probably wouldn't get used as much. I could care less about sexual orientation. I still use the various terms to describe gays as insults. Hell, a gay dude I work with calls his boyfriend a fag all the time.

But I think he does insults and it's funny. Yeah, and these black guys keep calling each other nigga all the time. That's why I can say it and it's okay. That's racist. And if these people would just stop getting their panties in a wad every time somebody says nigga to them, you know.

Portal maniac. I honestly blame the Protestants and catholics of ages past for causing the homophobic world of the west world of the west i've journeyed to the homophobic world of the west is that like the land of the lost yeah kind of it's a mystical and dangerous place there's dinosaurs there's homophobic dinosaurs there Okay, this is Jark212 And it's saying in the response to about You know, people are impressionistic And being gay is great because no more kids

This Most religions would tell you That being gay is a choice Despite what mountains of evidence would prove I would say that religion And general ignorance are to blame Bloody thoughts. Who likes cheeseburgers?

Because people think they are not normal. Even though technically nobody is normal. We all have differences. Normal would be if we are as close as same as people.

Most people in America are Catholic or Christian. So the churches say that homosexuality is not right and they should all hate on them. And people are stupid. 90% of the world seems like they have had half their brain cut off. My opinion. Deltron. I refuse to believe you can navigate your way around a computer and still not grasp the stigma of being different.

Yeah, that's right. They're jealous of your computer abilities. Yes. And next it's Zajnina. Zajns. Put simply, people are dumb. Ferbert probably said it more accurately, though. Conservative values have been dominant forever.

Most of these values have their roots in religion and the Bible, so there's no basis for some of them unless you devoutly follow the Bible. legend in the Bible, so there's no basis for some of them, unless you devoutly follow the Bible. Demented Teddy, because they are bigots, and believe benign gay

or lesbian makes you inferior or they just have low self esteem and it makes them feel better about themselves to make fun of others Hazel Wolf the paper boy people don't like things that are different and when people

particularly young men see someone who is different to them in this way, fancying people of the same gender, they think this is inherently wrong because they cannot comprehend fancying another bloke. Alright.

That's very British. I'll agree. Sure. Wakazashi 74. I don't have a problem with gay people, but I'm very sick of hearing people call each other faggots, or calling

things gay. It doesn't make people sound cooler, older, if that's what they are thinking. It makes them sound like immature dicks. Bah. My complaining won't fix a thing, but here's my two cents for what they are thinking. It makes them sound like immature dicks. Bah. My complaining won't fix a thing. But here's my two cents for what it's worth. It's worth two cents. Shit.

But that's, wow. I was thinking if I keep calling you guys gay slash lesbian long enough, you'd actually believe me to be an accomplished adult. I guess it wasn't working, was it? No, no. Holy faggots from Gann, please. believe me to be an accomplished adult. I guess it wasn't working, was it? Holy faggots from Can, please! I know that's how every professional interview I've ever had ends. It's like, alright,

so your experience is good? It's like, Holy faggots from Can, please! We're gonna finish it out with Ryuk. Because they put that there! Oh, no. I don't know what that means, but...

They put it on the shelf. No, that isn't my opinion. Thanks for your concern. Really, I think it is because people are worried that if they are nice to gay people, that if they are nice to a gay, then people think that they are gay. Also, is it natural?

Really? Wow, that's deep. I just like the divide there. It's like, no, that isn't my opinion that it's wrong and immoral, but is it really natural? Are they really real people doing, you know, just asking. I'm not saying

they're unnatural heathens, but you know, is it really natural? It's the Fox News show tactic of, some people have said. On this video game topic, which of course is a little close to our heart, we decided to get even a little bit closer to home and deal with a celebrity on our own portal of evil news. His name is, is it Dream V it dream vigil is that what it is dream vigil dream the jile i don't know how you pronounce it it looks like dream vigil with an e on the end okay but that's not important what is important however is that he has a website it used to be glowing faceman.com now it's

samuel it's like samuel with an x. an X dot com. Those are great names. He writes some blogs. He writes some essays, and he's got some thoughts. And he really just reeks of trust funds, money, and pretentiousness, and video games. And he's got some deep thoughts about not only about life and living life and what life is about, but also about how that relates to video games. Oh, video games impact life. Yes, and there's a whole lot of examples of him thinking about video games and life.

One that's just amazing is, well, you'll have to go to the website yourself to see the album. I don't want to spoil it for you. But the one we read here is particularly special because he answers a life's question. A question that has been contemplated by philosophers for years and years, and he solves it by comparing it to video games. So, you know, listen, be enlightened, he's got it all figured

out. You, the listener, I'm sure, have asked yourself at some point or another, perhaps multiple times, but at least once, I'm going to guess, you've asked yourself, if God exists, why does he let good things happen, or bad things happen to good people?

Well, here we go. Episode 16, we have the answer. Yes, and it also includes video games, too. So, you know, you learn a little about video games, you learn a little about life. It's perfect. Pew, pew, pew. Let's get going. Why does God let bad things happen?

A common argument invoked by critics of an all-powerful deity is, why does God let bad things happen? The idea is that if the universe were run by a super god with infinite power, then surely he wouldn't let kids starve to death in Africa. It's very interesting and illuminating to look at this problem using different analogies for life. Let me clarify, I'm not arguing that a fundamentalist Christian version of God actually exists or anything. Outside the polarized echo

chambers, it is possible to refute one side's argument without endorsing the other side, just like a journal referee can reject a theorem's proof without implying the theorem itself is false. The whole point of this article is to take a very old, very familiar philosophical conundrum

and study it through refreshing new lenses. Refreshing? Yeah. It's been pondered for hundreds of thousands of years, but not by me. You see, these are refreshing new lenses because this one is lemon and this one is lime. Oh.

They do mix very well. I got to admit. Yeah. I've had a lot of experience running and playing in massively multiplayer games, games which provide a surprisingly good analogy for real life. When I was only a player myself, I saw how the game programmers of these worlds were basically gods. When it came to those tireless developers, players made assumptions very similar to the once religious sellots made about gods in the real world.

Just as real world followers believe God favors a particular country or even a particular baseball team, game players believe the admins favor particular guilds and clans, even to the point of accusing the admins of corruption and cheating. First of all, a lot of the really hardcore players seem to forget it was a game at all. People took their digital avatars way, way too seriously. It reminds me of when the strict believer goes crazy about obscure moral codes and ancient obsolete legislation. Some seem to think life is just a cruel test designed to weed out bad people. Oh, shut up.

When I became one of those developers, This guy's a good punching. When I became one of those developers, I suddenly saw how things really were. Whereas before, I had seen nothing but drama and corruption up and down the video game Mount Olympus. His comparison of video game Mount Olympus. His comparison of video game programmers to gods, because surely Zeus and Poseidon work in windowless rooms for 18 hours a day,

fucked up on Jolt. Yeah, you know, when I saw all those classic... It would explain a few things. I knew that it was wrong, because he had to be a 400-pound, doughy, fat-ass, pale-skinned bastard with Cheetos in his beard. His mighty white, orange beard. The truth was simple and profound.

The sole objective of the game designers was to give players a good time. That's it. No one on the dev team could care less which guild was dominating the latest dungeons or which players amassed the most gold or which explorer was the first to solve some new quest.

There was nothing deep or theological at all. Just let the players come and let them have a great time. So just why does God, the universe, the flying spaghetti monster, or whoever, let bad stuff happen? Oh, God. Okay, we're getting to it, guys. Why does God let bad stuff happen? Because otherwise,

life would make for one really boring game. Oh, fuck's sake. Insisting that an omnipotent deity would save people from hunger and crises is like insisting Shigeru Mayamoto should have weeded out all those nasty goombas and dangerous cliffs from

Super Mario Brothers. Watered down Mario game might have cut it on the Atari, but this is 1985, and people want thrills. So the starving Ethiopians failed to jump over the turtle in time? What? In fact, it isn't really even God who deliberately allows bad things to happen, so much as it is mankind. To a large extent, reality reflects what we want most fervently,

usually at a deep level where we're not even aware of it. Pain and suffering exist because, deep down, we feel comfortable with them. War is over if you want it. If you're the exception and you prefer to escape the anguishes of life, then why didn't

you say so sooner? Stop blaming Zeus or Yahweh and just change reality yourself. After all, you are the dreamer, smiley face. Program your way out of your bad situation. And speaking of dreams, will Twilight's sojourns beyond this world provide the third vertex

in the triangle? Life, games, and dreams. Three analogies for one another, each capable of arising within the others like some deep and mysterious fractal. When you dream, you are the god of your dream world. Is it always a perfect world? Or do you sometimes suffer nightmares?

Do you miss your flight or your final exam? Finally waking, filled with relief by the sound of the alarm clock. Within your dream, rational debaters argue, This can't be a dream. What omnipotent dreamer would allow all these nightmares to happen? With their smug grins, they insist you explain yourself. Why do you let bad things happen?

And the answer is the same in your dreams, the same in video games, and the same in real life. The evils of the world, the game, and the dream all arise because the inhabitants of those worlds would be unsatisfied any other way. The dream rationalist would argue you don't exist. Deep down, they want nightmares to stalk them

and you, my dear reader, ever so generous and obliging, you dream them those nightmares to satisfy them. Even while God dreams you your own life miseries because deep down, just like me, you enjoy the imperfection of the world. Just like God enjoys the imperfections which his own God dreams into his world. Smiley face.

Fuck you. Yeah, I'm with Stog. Fuck you. Do we have the Stog plug-in for Firefox? We're just after shit like this. There's a fuck you! Our final segment tonight is from a game called Need for Speed Underground 2.

It just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? tonight is from a game called I believe it's Need for Speed Underground 2. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Yeah. This is... We've discussed tonight about your video game fans and your philosophical constructs about video games and the themes

that video games explore, but now we want to actually take dialogue directly from a video game. Right. We've taken all this stuff derived from video games and thought about from, you know, what video games bring to the table. But what's some actual content? What can you actually find in these video games? The dialogue, the actual substance of it.

Well, the substance isn't really there that much. But what is there is pretty hilarious. So, yeah, anytime that you might be in a conversation and they're going to be talking about their knowledge of Greek history that they've learned from God of War 2, you just need to think

to yourself... God help you if you're in that situation, but yeah. You just need to think to yourself that most of the time when somebody's playing a video game, the dialogue sounds a little something like this. Drift is coming at you strong.

Step in or step off, cause this is far real. No wannabes allowed. Your borderline's to make it quick. Yes or no, boy. Okay, okay, okay. Alright. What's up, nut?

Gonna run some straight acts with us? You better stay near the back of the pack and watch how it's done. I'd feel bad if I was to hurt a tweaker like yourself. I'll drop you the maps so you can stay out of the way. Oh! God damn it, that was the voice I was going to do.

Do the Mike Tyson voice. Start rollballing out there for keeps. It's going down on the drift tonight. This is it. A win here rides against the contract. Second place is going to get the boot.

Kicking it up first on a killer five so is the only thing these guys are gonna notice yeah best look big boy cause there ain't no frontin when it comes to the sponsors yeah I wanna get these cats bent so show no mercy.

Maps coming your way. Oh, terrific. We flamin' it to maximum heights, boy. You best get to business, because a sponsor's expecting a kickin' win. Sixth floor or eight, no one gonna leave happy tonight. All right, I'm gonna do mine as a cheer here. So, alright. D-R-A-G coming at you strong.

Any Quakers ready for a beatdown is welcome to run the line. Ain't got all night. What up, boy? Oh, baby. Check it, boy. You're pulling some ducks, and it ain't doing you any good.

Maybe you can win back some pride if you run this next heat. Like what? Quit your marinating and handle some business. Knuckle up to some knockout racing. If you don't know what that is, you best step off. If you're in you, get the course map. Yes or no?

If you're in you? Hey, yo, Trip. It's the Big Daddy Street Cross coming at ya Kick it to the top spot and the shirts will dig it A deal will sure to follow from them

What is up, witch-a-boy? Always frontin' like ya do Put your bank where your mouth is and get in on this freaky street ex. You wanna roll up on it or what? It's the big ex coming at you strong. If you wanna run your best, do it now.

If you stay, you best step up and play. If you stay, you best step up and play. Step up and play. Grab all the tools of your biscuit and get in love. Something about biscuit. Wow. All right. Dark Road falling out there for keeps. It's going down on the drift tonight.

This is it. A win here rides against your contract. Second place is going to get you the boot. Kicking it up into first on a killer slideshow is the only thing those guys are going to notice. Check it like this. These drivers are the best road top ballers around. You go hard against them Or they'll smell your front and hit you bad

You fall apart now And the URL ain't never gonna happen for you You best pop this off Night Get your ass with the scooter man Yes Look here, dude! You got to scorch the clay and top the drag

because this race is written into your deal! You've got to win to keep the sponsors from second-guessing their choice! I'll be watching you from the end zone! He's a flamboyant 50s announcer. Oh, yeah. Those are 50s ringmaster These guys are foul real

Ain't no time to think Just do The curves and burns these guys can pull are off the hook So stay on top People still ain't impressed by you So you best go hard You better pull a tide These cats are gonna get you fully bent if you don't

Then run with the top and this is your chance to squeeze in. No time for frontin'. So roll out mad and pull what you got to. And that is our podcast for the week. Once again, thefpl.us is the domain. John, what did you learn this week? I learned that I'm likely to get eaten by a grue.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Woo! John, what did you learn this week? Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B-A-B-A, slick start. Ah! John, what did you learn this week? Press X to write a pretentious video game article. John, what did you learn this week? I learned that I may be a bad enough dude to rescue the president. John, what did you learn this week?

Ridge Racer.