The F Plus - 161: A Miserable Pile of Secrets

Episode Date: January 2, 2015

Vampires, as a concept, tend to fall in and out of favor, depending on the trends of popular culture. And with that shift in trends, so too is there a flux in the number of people who pretend to be vampires for whatever reason. But fortunately, there is help! Steve Leighton, the proprietor of vampirewebsite.net is a REAL vampire, and he has tips on how to find out if you are also a real vampire, and then how to distinguish yourself from the fakers. This week, The F Plus works on the pilot for our vampire sitcom.

The F Plus episode 161 was recorded in front of a live studio audience. Content from this episode was provided by Jam Engulfer and Farillion. Alright, let's talk vampires. The country is full of vampires. The country is full of vampires. We are the only country in the world today where the vampires come from every other country to suck the blood out of the prostate. Welcome to the F Plus Podcast.

A terrible place for terrible things read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. So, prove that what you say or write on your website is real and not fake. Adam Bozars. I've read your website and I can't quite remember if you've answered these or not, but do you absolutely have to sleep all day? Check, check. Who can spill red paint

On ur shirt Portax Set my balls you poser bitch You're probably the wannabe vampire That feeds ur head with the Being 300 plus years old bullshit And Lemon Portax took mine

I stole it cause I'm a vampire. It's a content vampire. Intro vampire. That's not a real vampire. Hey, F+. Hello, Lemon. What's up? What are your favorite domains of this year?

Like new domains? Like poop.computer? I mean, obviously, it's a good domain. I like balt.it. It's my favorite forum ever. I like to post things on it with my words. I'm the owner of singyourdickoff.com. Also, poop.computer is a pretty good one, too.

Yeah. And if you go to singyourdickoff.com, it probably doesn't do much. It doesn't do much at all. You know, I don't know so much about those domains that spell something.

You know, blp.it or thefbl.us. I don't think you're funny. I want a website that cuts straight to the point. Like this website. This is a website about vampires and it's on the internet. So the URL

is vampirewebsite.net. Excellent. Vampires. As opposed to vampirebrosure.gov or something. Again, must have been a very frustrating day on GoDaddy. Thing is, he could have gotten in cheaper, because this is largely an informative vampire website. So he could have bought vampirewebsite.info. But that's what we're doing today.

We're doing VampireWebsite.net. It's a website. It's a huge compendium of vampire information. We're going to be smarter people by the end of it, which is good because we've got quite a ways to go. So, Adam, if you'll start us off, how do I find a real vampire? I do like the URL for that. How do find vampire.html. Vampirewebsite.net.

How do find vampire.html. How do find vampire.html. How to find a real vampire. After reading some of this vampire website, you were wondering how to find a real vampire. This page is to help you find a real vampire. This page is to help you find a real vampire. Below are things to look for that are common traits for all real vampires, a.k.a. sanguinarious.

Term commonly used by fakes. It originates from the movie Life Force. Traditional blood and biological vampires, the only real kind of vampire. Wait, does people... Is it like the movie about aliens? Nobody fakes being a vampire, do they? Most of which can't be faked by non-vampires. Okay, good. Good, good, good.

If they don't have at least most of them, then they are not a real vampire. This page is to be used with the page, Knowing If You're a Real Vampire page. That's a good page, Paige. Protected by Copyscape. Do not copy.

In case you were wondering if this was made by a 16-year-old. Now, does anybody have any questions about what this page is about? Well, just how do I find a real vampire? How will I know? What traits will a real vampire have? There will be a dark-colored ring around their iris of their eye. There is generally a noticeably different color surrounding the pupil. All right, I'm a vampire.

A real vampire. A different color from what? A different color. Like, a different color from what? From their iris. A different color. A different color. A different color. A different color. Noticeably A different color. Like, a different color from what? From their iris. A different color. A different color. Noticeably different.

Oh, so like an eye. Okay. Noticeably different. Oh, I think they're saying from the rest of the... Yeah, from the white part. The sclera. No, that's... A real vampire's breathing will be slightly shallow at all times except for when they

are extremely excited or upset. I'm a vampire. A real vampire's heart rate usually will match the person's heart rate and speed that is next to them while they are sleeping or during sex. What if they're narcoleptic and they fell asleep during sex Then what happens So shall the vampire be His curse They will be able to change your moods

And feelings to however To however they are feeling At the time they are around you Usually done without the vampire Knowing that it's happening. Babies and cats are very sensitive to this effect. That says they'll be able to change their moods.

Oh, your moods. Your moods. Oh, so if you're angry around me I'll somehow also become angry? With my vampire abilities! If they're upset that they couldn't

pre-order the latest Pokemon game, then you're gonna be upset, because they won't shut the fuck up about it in the next several hours. Vampire. Are you a vampire? Whenever you even glance at them, a real vampire will know that you are looking at them.

Usually knowing as you're turning your eyes to look at them, even if all you are doing is glancing around the room. This automatically causes them to look right at you at the exact moment that you were looking at them. You will think that they are staring at you. Because usually, cause nervousness. Don't be nervous. A real vampire can't help it. And if you can talk to your friends,

they will think that you are being stared at non-stop as well. Which you know is an oxygen mask. Guys, Bozarth is trapped in a never-ending parentheses. No one can

stare at multiple people at the same time let alone a whole room of people. Unless, in some cases, the vampire's extremely distracted. There's a lot of asides. Nested asides. Their aura will usually have a heavy, thick, dark feel to it. Real vampires, even if they are energy users,

don't tend to sense this from other real vampires half as well as normal people do. Seeing as that they have adjusted to feeling it from themselves. Oh, my God. What the hell? All right. Well, you know, I feel like you might be straying from your point. So, you know, just keep going down your list.

But I want you to make sure you're staying on point, you know, really following your goals here. Yes, of course. My best friend, which is a very strong energy user, non-vampire, has told me that all the chakras in my heart, color-wise, oddly appear to be in absolute perfect health, even when... I don't particularly like this new yin-yang song. Your vampire asthma is acting up something fierce, Bozart.

Sickness will happen to real vampires usually as often as it will to a person. Just they don't stay as sick for as long. He has noticed this in other real vampires as well. What about vampire bedrooms? He has noticed this in other real vampires as well. Shh. Shh. What about vampire bedrooms? Are vampire bedrooms unique in any way? Their bedroom will usually be the coldest and darkest room in the house. Electronics that are around a real vampire, often such as watches, computers,

MPS3 players, cell phones, and other electronics tend to malfunction in really odd ways. Real vampires tend to be very charismatic to some while having the complete opposite effect on other people.

That's not really how charisma works. I hope that helps. Real vampires tend to be extremely sensitive to sunlight and other bright lights, resulting in discomfort and, in most cases, a migraine. Uh-huh. Oh, I'm inside all day on the computer because, you know, I'm a vampire. Real vampires aren't good at sports. Okay, so

that's good. So now I have a better... You guys know this about him now. Yeah, I got a better chance of finding a vampire in the wild, but I'm not sure whether or not I'm a vampire. Hey, hey, Jack Chick! Yes. How do I know if I'm a vampire? Well, I will let you know as soon as the page loads.

From slash how know if a vampire dot html. I was vampire formed. So Jack Chick, how do I know if I'm a vampire? Is there some sort of helpful bulleted list of ways that I can know? Why, there sure is. Oh, thank God. All right. Number one, do you have unusually pale skin?

You don't have to be white to be pale. If yes, then cook up one or two, depending on the size. Medium rare steaks, the best way to do this. If by the time you're done enjoying the second one, you have a new pinkish color throughout your body that you haven't had in a while, read no farther. You are a real vampire.

Humans can't digest blood. Cool! Or a mosquito. Humans can't digest blood, let alone get color from it. Real vampires do. Oh, okay. Note.

The extra work involved in trying to eat medium rare or rare meat can cause a temporary pink color to the skin, which is otherwise known as being flushed. Temporarily being flushed is not the same color that is being referred to when a vampire gets colored from the blood in the steak. It takes a lot less human blood than animal blood to get the same effect, but animal blood is lazier to get. Close parentheses that didn't have an open one. If you were white before and you still are, you should see a doctor. Odds are you aren't a real vampire, you're just malnourished, and they can help.

If you're white, see a doctor. Guys, I'm sorry, I've got to get out of this podcast. Apparently my Irish heritage prevents me from... Doctor, I'm white. I'm white. Number two. Let's skip down. There's a lot of these.

So let's get down to 16. Point 16, please. Okay. Point 16. Do you tend to get high from human blood? Look, I only drank someone's blood once under pressure from my

friends. Hey man, you got any blood? When drinking someone's blood, do you tend to find yourself being able to do something that they could do that you couldn't do about two weeks after drinking it? Because I got high. Because I got high.

Point seventeen. Are you sensitive to light or the heat from it? Ranging from getting a bad headache from the glare to burning very easily? You're super strong, you're super weak. I can't tan, so I'm a vampire? Point 18. If, while your skin is white from lack of enough blood in you, Do you bleed quite noticeably less than a normal person should, or more likely not bleed at all? Nineteen.

Can you skip forward to 27? Absolutely. That sounds like a good one. 27. To the words, come on outside. It's a nice, bright, sunny day, and there's a lot of people out. Seem more like a bad thing than a good thing to you? As opposed to the

guy who said it to you, saying it with a big happy smile? Don't tell me to go outside. There's a sunlight out there, and I'm pretty sure the captains of all the football teams are out there to beat me up. The captains of all the football teams? They put down their arms to band

together. Guess what, nerd? It was football congress. It's a special football team made up of football captains. It's the football mock UN. The captain of the captains is at the front of the gang. Call the nerd questions. What about 29? Point 29. Do you have a predator instinct that is so strong

it makes people seem to act more like herbivores than the omnivores they consider themselves to be? I have no idea what that means. It's, I think that... Basically, you stand next to someone and they realize, I should be eating less hamburgers. I should probably be eating more vegetables. Were you asking for 35 there?

Yeah. Yeah, I want that too. Point 35. When you will things to happen, do they usually happen? And then back up one. Point 34. Do people usually either trust you completely or not trust you at all? Depends on how recently

I've robbed them. Are you tall or short? You could really learn from this guy's list, I think. Are you tall or short? You could be a vampire. Go to the club section to find places where you can meet others like you. Every word in that sentence

was capitalized. The first letter. Well, there was 38 different points in there. We read some of them, but the important thing was that I ate steak and I'm white. So I ate steak and I'm white. So I ate steak and I'm white, and so that means I'm a vampire.

So poor Tex. No, no, no. That means you're not a vampire. Oh, fuck. Really? Yeah. Shit. You gotta turn pink.

Yeah, I'm not understanding this whole, I'm white unless I drink blood, then I turn pink like it's a flamingo. Easy LG. What is going on here? Vampires are well-known steak eaters. They're very red. They're always red. They really like it medium rare.

Vampire steak is too bloody. They don't like that. The consistency on the teeth is just like, yes sir, would you like it blue? I don't know. So, Vortex, I'm pretty sure I am a vampire. How should I tell my friends?

Okay, so this is, oh, how to tell your friends on HTML. Good work, vampire. How to tell your friends that you're a fucking loser. Not sure how to tell them? Not sure how they will react? Here is a few suggestions on how to break the news to them from real vampires that have already done it, including myself many times.

It gets easier every time. Okay. Before telling anyone that you are a real vampire, be sure that you actually are one. And haven't just fallen susceptible to a thing referred to as being enabled. I'm going to click on that. That'll be for later. Most people who believe that they are a real vampire simply have a psychological problem.

Make sure that you are not one of those people before you go around claiming to be a vampire. You don't want to look like a fucking idiot, do you? How do I know if I'm one of those people? I look like Nosferatu, so I gotta be one, right? If you have any ways that have worked for you that I haven't mentioned... I feel like the whole website should have just vanished after you read that sentence. that have worked for you that I haven't mentioned.

should have just vanished after you read that sentence. If you have any ways that have worked for you, period, that I haven't mentioned on the page, then click here

for my contact information. Remember this page here to help your brothers and sisters of the blood to open up to the rest of the world. Any help will be appreciated by all. My advice,

tell your closest, most open-minded friends that you are a real vampire first. Don't tell your conservative Christian uncle. He'll get pissed off for some reason. Don't expect them to believe you at first, and do not try to make them believe you in any kind of way. Keep in mind that the open-minded ones are most likely to accept you for what you are. They may not believe you're a real vampire at first,

though if you are a real vampire, they will eventually realize that you aren't right. The ones that aren't open-minded enough to accept you for what you are will be the same ones that will completely disregard what you have told them and not give it a second thought until one day when you accidentally, without thinking, about to do something that only a real vampire can do.

What? You're a really good writer. Like, watch Twilight and watch whatever that one book where the vampires fuck each other. I forget that all the kids were into. All of the books. Yeah.

This is that moment where they will start to yell at you the age-old question, What are you, a fucking vampire? That's an age weird old question. Yep. Philosophers have always posed the question. What are you? Some kind of fucking vampire? What am I? That's when they catch themselves in the Old Testament.

That's when they catch themselves about to say it. Stop and think about what you told them a while back and say, OMFG, you really are a vampire. At that point, you... At that point, all you really can do is smile and say, don't worry, real vampires don't actually

kill people. This is where their curiosity always takes over and their questions begin. Answer all of the questions honestly. Almost like you're doing it for attention or something. Yep, I sure am. Real vampire.

Oh, MFG, you really are a vampire. I have so many questions. They'll see you wearing the cape and the fangs and the big medallion on the neck. Shut up about it, huh? Try not to ruin another party. So, earlier

in this page here, our host, I didn't get his name. Vampire. I think it's Dracula. Oh, okay. Dracula. Yeah, that's it. Our host, he put up some contact info there.

The contact info has a bunch of text as well. It says, before contacting me, it's a very good idea to read this website. Not just part of the website, but a full website. So always read 100% of a website. Done.

Yep. I'm going to read Google. Fuck it. 100% of a website. Done. Yep. See you guys. I'm going to read Google. Fuck it. Yeah. You're going to go read Google. Google. Okay, so if you have any interest in real vampires, then you will fully read any vampire website that looks like it may be a good one.

This includes fully reading my websites, and now you have to read all vampire websites. Anyway, okay, so here's some things in red. There's not, there's like four preambles, but nothing actually leads into this. Okay, so thing in red. Don't ask if I am a real vampire. The answer to that is obviously

yes. People that ask that question, comma, generally say that they only asked it due to there being a lot of fakes out there. My response to that is that all of the fakes say yes to that question as well. Which is why I'm saying yes to it, I guess

is my point. So the man on the right and the left both lie. I hate this riddle. The vampire guarding the door. It got a lot easier.

So, don't ask if people can get turned into vampires. If you do this, you will simply be told to read the website, since the first page of the website makes it clear that people can be turned, and why. Also, there's some more important things, like if anyone tells you that they will have to take a lot of blood to charge you, they watched one too many vampire movies. They are a fake and they are quite possibly dangerous. You can't become a vampire by a

spell or ritual, and that includes a wish spell, no matter how powerful you believe that spell to be. What about IDK's kind of a vampire spell? No, that's bullshit, man. I can't believe you got suckered in by that stupid spell.

Don't ask me to turn you or ask me to find someone to turn you. You will get the same reply that it gets anyone else that asks. I'm going to read that one more time. This timeless H-S-B. It's grammar. You will get the same reply that asks. I'm going to read that one more time. This timeless H-S-B. Grammar sucks.

You will get the same reply that it gets anyone else that asks. Number one sentence. A+. Would they render make to that to make? If you fully read this real vampire website in order and read between the lines of the information.

Wait, so you have to read this website, you have to read all other vampire websites, and you have to read between the lines as well. You have to read it in order. Are we sure we... Oh, in order? I feel like we found a prop website. Like, this is supposed to be used for, like, an episode of Law & Order SVU. You know, it's only supposed to be on screen for just a few seconds. He thought he was really a vampire.

Somehow the computer made this instead of Laura Mipsom. Yeah. Then an intelligent person will be able to figure out how to use this website to get themselves turned. One last note to remember. All real vampires need

blood. They do not live forever. Becoming a vampire will not save you from dying due to being lethally sick. And eventually, everyone grows old and dies. If you don't read this page, you may have a question that is covered on the page, then I will take that as a sign that you don't consider

my website to be worth reading, and I will treat your email the same way. Ooh, burn. Well, you think it's worth reading. That's true. But not the whole thing. And not in order. What happens if you don't follow the rules?

Uh, then I'll ignore you. Oh, the failure to follow these simple rules will result in your cat forcing you to eat dog food for the rest of your life. Sorry. I mean, that's just in the document. I don't know why.

Great. Okay, so you're aware... Boots, you're aware of the old code that the vampires had, right? Oh, yeah, the old code. Yeah, but this is a new millennium, and it's time for the new code. Lemon? Will-ennium?

Damn it! I'm sorry. I'm sorry to you. I'm sorry to Will Smith. This is a new will-ennium of vampires. It's a will-o-ennium of vampires. It's a Will-O-ennium now.

It's alright. It's better than the Jadenium. One thousand years of stupid tweets. See, you want to hear about the new code. Yeah, the new code. Should I just start at the numbers, or do you want to do the preamble?

Read the first paragraph, anyway. Too many people have made vampire websites where they decided to post their list of ethics and rules that they say all real vampires should follow. Some of them, along with the list, have added their complaint about how someone stole it

and placed it on their site as well. Sounds childish to me. Do you really want someone that childish telling you how to behave? This list, I call it the new code. It's a combination of unspoken rules that have been in existence for a long time, as well as new ones which, when followed, will make coming out into the open much easier. Anyway, let's start.

Number one. Whenever somebody directly asks you if you're a real vampire, always say yes. In the same way and tone that they ask you. If they jokingly ask you, then jokingly say yes. If they tell you that... If they yell the question at you, then yell at them when you say yes.

If they sound serious, then say yes in a serious tone. Are you some sort of fucking vampire? Yes! Fuck yeah! I can't believe Adam is resisting the temptation to do a Ghostbusters reference here

It's just it's there I don't need to do it Just like we don't need to do Ghostbusters 3 Someone ask you if you want to be in Ghostbusters 3. Nobody asked me. You say nothing. Because to deny what you are...

Who's directing it? Oh, no. Because to deny what you are is to deny who you are. And to deny who you are is to deny that you exist. And to deny that you exist is to deny that any of us exist. Number two. Oh, okay. So vampires aren't real, then all of our...

Just reality is just undone. Uh-huh. Okay. How could we possibly keep living? Uh-huh. I don't want to live in a world without vampires. Can't live if living means I'm't want to live in a world without vampires. Can't live if living means I'm not

a vampire. Keep going. Two. You're responsible for the actions of those that you have turned into a real vampire. Which I will not do. Okay. If they already have mental problems, do not make them worse by changing them, causing their thoughts to become darker.

I.e., if you turn an already aggressive person into a real vampire, and they go off attacking random people and killing the people that they were mad at, the same punishment will be done to you. That was done to the one that you made, either by the real vampire society, not fakes in the vampire community. Yeah, don't turn sullen idiots into vampires. It'll ruin everyone's reputation. I don't understand why any real vampire is actually worried about fakes at all. Because that makes them look dumb. Because then when they walk around and tell everyone they're a vampire all the time

every day then people like it's like it's like when you're looking for it's like when you're looking for it's like when you're looking for a gluten free pizza crust and you say to yourself

you say to somebody I need a gluten free pizza crust they go oh you're another one, you say to somebody, I need a gluten-free pizza crust, they go, oh, you're another one of those assholes. No, no, I have a real allergy. Well, it's also... My metaphor isn't very funny. If there's fakes, I mean, if there are fake vampires

out there, then they need something to differentiate between them and people who make stuff up, so they have to come up with this other community, this unseen community of people who say they're vampires and don't mean it. Right, but I mean, isn't the concept of a vampire to be like a terrifying monster

and, you know, if you were found out then, you know, somebody would go and try and fucking murder the shit out of you, so having all these No, it's just to be sexy and to get on the guest list. Guys, can I finish this sentence?

I want to finish this sentence because it reveals an awful lot about this person. Either by the real Vampire Society or the first Slayer to find you. Oh, Slayer. Did that do it? Is that like Buffy? Yes, it's exactly like Buffy.

Okay, perfect. Not the band Slayer. Not the band Slayer. Although, Lombardo's gonna get you. If it turns out you're playing Slayer, we'll find you. And they'll be very disappointed in you, young man. As long as it's three fucking seasons of The Abyss, that album sucked. I would be more worried about the necrotizing fascitis.

You would be. Because any real vampire or person that claims to be a real vampire that lashes out makes us all look bad. Generally, the punishment results in death. A real vampire is made by a simple exchange of blood between a real vampire and a human. The vampire

drinks first. This does not require a lot of blood. And anyone can be turned into a real vampire. Number three. Oh, God. Never turn someone into a real vampire for any of the following reasons. To prove the vampires are real. To prove

to them that they weren't already a real vampire. In hopes to cure an illness of theirs. Simply because they want to become one. Always backfires. Because they hate their life. And think being a real vampire will magically fix it. Backfires as well. And can't be reversed.

Or out of revenge. I want to break into your house. And remove the parentheses keys off your keyboard. It's just irresponsible. I think those are vampire modicons that are eating the words. So it's like, vampires aren't real.

No, I'll prove it. Oh, damn it. Number four. Only acquire blood with a donor's permission, never by force or against a person's wishes. Number five, do us all a favor, and if you aren't a real vampire, i.e. one of those people that thinks they are one due to reincarnation and goes way too heavy on the goth dressing style...

Kimberly! to reincarnation and goes way too heavy on the goth dressing style. Kimberly. How different is that from Ranch? Don't declare yourself as a real vampire because people like you are the ones that make people think that real vampires are just a few marbles short of a full bag. If you're going to be a real vampire, you wear lederhosen like you're supposed to. So I've heard a little bit here about these vampire slayers.

It sounds interesting. It sounds like an interesting world. Adam, will you tell me a little bit more about slayers? Do you, in fact, and I know this might be a very strong question, but do you actually have the truth about Slayers? Yes. This is the truth about Slayers. This is relevant to my interest. The cartoon?

Almost every real vampire I know is scared of the idea of there being Slayers. This is the main reason why most real vampires are scared of coming out into the open. What the fuck? Even every slayer that has ever killed a vampire in a movie or on TV

has killed that vampire, either because it killed a person, was about to kill a person, or tried to kill the slayer. Sadly, that was pretty much every vampire ever seen on a screen. They just called the anti-discrimination... That was a great

sentence. I am not saying movies are the mark of truth. I'm only making a point. I guess. Are you? Yes, I'm only making a point. I guess. Are you? Yes, I'm only making a point. On my teeth. Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.

That is where the fear of slayers has come from. And that is the only type of vampire that a real slayer will ever kill as well. Not even Buffy has killed a vampire that wasn't

going around killing people. Perfect! Not even. Not even, Buffy. And she's like the bottom of the barrel. She's pretty indiscriminate. No, I thought she was like the role model. I'm a vampire

that thinks Buffy's very cool. What a coinkydink. Fuck you, Joss Whedon. Just because I haven't said it in a little while. For killing vampires? Vampires? So I'm not open about being a real vampire, so I'm probably safe from the slayers, right?

Even if you are not open about being a real vampire, so I'm probably safe from the slayers, right? Even if you are not open about being a real vampire, yet you know that you are a real vampire. And do keep yourself reasonably well feed if you have a friend that matches that profile. They are

a slayer. If they trust you enough, they may even let you bite them. Yet stopped you before you were able to get any blood simply because they were curious about what it feels like to be bitten by a real

vampire. I think you're confusing Slayer and Bottom. So I'm an animal wrangler, but you know what? I always wondered what it would be like to get mauled by a lion. So I'm an animal wrangler, but you know what? I always wondered what it would be like to get mauled by a lion. So go for it. Muffy the vampire bottom!

This new knowledge does not mean that you should stop being friends with them. Actually, in the very possible case that you might even be dating the person, this is not a reason to break up with them. This is

simply to show you how... This is simply to show how well you know one, how close you have gotten to one, and never even knew that they were one. Yeah, I mean, just because somebody's... Why'd you break up?

Oh, religious differences. I'm a vampire. He kills vampires. I mean, just because somebody wants to murder you... The kids are going to be raised vampires. ...doesn't mean that you should break up with them. I mean, relationships are hard to find, guys. Just because your schizophrenia informs you

that the people that love you are trying to kill you doesn't mean they're actually trying to kill you. This is why I broke up with my TV. Do a lot of vampires join the military? A lot of real vampires do join the military for many different reasons. Our government does know that they are in there and who they are. Most vampires... They're in that government over there. Infowars.com.

Vampires in the military. So what's with those guys over there? Oh, they're just the... The blood troops. Don't worry about them. The military is full of vampires! Most vampires join the military because of one,

if not all, of the following reasons. We are quicker, stronger, naturally better killers, free, easy blood, more aware of our surroundings to satisfy our deep down killer instincts. Realize that we will know where the enemy is long before the enemy knows that we are there.

And because we know that we are the best that they have for the job of protecting our country. Unless they make us fight during the daytime, in which case fuck that! So I guess this is the point where we say hi, Isfahan. He's got some comments, I'm sure. Grinding teeth. Grinding teeth. Yeah. Now,

you may be listening to this episode from the hospital after you had an aneurysm. Must kill! Must kill. Just wait till we get to the article on this site that shows how vampires can shoot guns with their teeth. Oh, that's so inaccurate! Come on! The ejection carburetor is 90 degrees from the... Oh dear, you're making it worse! Well, Ismahan's dead.

We're gonna have the memorial episode coming up. Alright, finish it up. This is why the military will never force us to join. Because we're such good soldiers? They know that a lot of us will do it by choice and fight better if we join by our own free will.

So a vampire has to be invited into your house, but they have to be willingly drafted. It's just like in Hellsing. So is there a checkbox on the draft form that says, are you a vampire? Uh, yeah. Yeah, like that's not going to get you kicked off for certain. Well, it's going to be, are you a vampire, check yes. And then a follow-up says, real vampire. Does that say that for a lot of things?

Like if you get picked for jury duty, do they ask you if you're a real vampire? We are better at jury duty! We can discern every liar in the room. So, you know, one of the problems that vampires have is that they gotta get blood, right? Well, that's not a problem here, because, hey, getting blood is easy. As long as you follow vampirewebsites.net's getting blood made easy. This part of the website will tell you multiple ways to get blood safely

in ways that are legal. This guy really likes enumerated lists. Yeah, absolutely. OL forever. Make sure that donors never cut too close to a vein to avoid a lethal amounts of bleeding when getting blood. I'm a vampire, but I'm no murderer.

Yeah. That's why I'm such a good soldier. The only real substitute for human blood is animal's blood, plural. It is the red blood cells that we need, and there is nothing in nature that can be used as a substitute for that. There's that one

drink, but it tastes gross. Some websites claim that things like... Some websites claim that things like ketchup, pennies, V8, and those same websites even claim yogurt

can be used as a blood substitute. Hey, listeners of F+, find us those websites. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe it's not blood. I feel like ketchup, pennies, and V8 to me makes more sense than yogurt. Put it in a blender.

Well, yogurt's alive. It's like the one food that's uniquely alive. So, like, maybe kombucha's really good for vampires. The thing that disturbs me about this is that it goes back and forth between just being cutesy, like, haha, I'm a real vampire, and isn't that fun?

To, like, I must have real blood. Yep. So, speaking of real blood, these are the types of blood rated in order of my... Rated based on my pers... These are the types of blood rated in order based on my personal experience.

Okay, so there's virgin blood. This is an enumerated list, but above one is this one. Honorable mention. Yeah. Well, no. Oh, yeah. Like, coolest mention. Oh, yeah, the champion. Virgin blood,. Yeah. Well, no. Oh, yeah.

Like, coolest mention. Oh, yeah, the champion. Virgin blood, an album by the Scorpions. Virgin blood. Oh, God, yes, people. The legends are true. Comparing this blood to any other kind of human blood is like comparing sirloin steak to hamburger.

This is its own category. If you're lucky enough to find a willing donor that is of legal age of consent. Oh, really? Let him, her stay a virgin. I just used my own. Let him, her stay a virgin for as long as they want. Actually, even

if you're dating them, try to get them to remain a virgin for as long as possible. So, like, after they have sex, his blood just tastes... Tastes like dick all over this blood. I'm not slut-shaming. It's just that you having sex

made your blood impure, you know, on a base level. And the blood is all just cummy. Had so much sex, I got juiceizz from that Tastes too much like my dick Moving on This is my

This is my UK garage band It's called Cummy Blood Alright So anyway Below Virgin Blood there's Human Real Vampire Human Parentheses Real Vampire Asterisk Tastes like human blood but much stronger and fuller There's human real vampire. Human, parentheses, real vampire.

Asterisk. Tastes like human blood, but much stronger and fuller. Just plain and simple, more to it. So that's less good than virgin blood. Real vampire, which is also a human. I thought that vampires and humans were different, but I guess I'm wrong. Just plain and simple, more to it. Then there's human energy workers.

Tastes like human blood, but sweeter. Kind of like pomegranate. What? So like nuclear, solar, hydro... Any of those. That'll count. Meter readers? Yeah. Is that fine?

Well, I mean, energy... No, I think that's more of a utility worker. I wouldn't call them energy workers. What about five-hour energy workers? Well, then the vampire gets all hyper and stuff. Their blood tastes like shit! Okay, so less good than that. Human.

Oh, God. Hey, here's an interesting thing. You know what human blood tastes like? What does human blood taste like? It tastes like human blood. Emoticon. It's the blood tastes like chicken comment. The best way to get

a willing donor for human blood is to find an emo. Make sure that they're of legal age, as in 18 plus years old, and give them a sterile, never been used before razor. People talk bad about emos, but

truth is, they don't care about cutting themselves. Oh my god. And they like the attention that a real vampire wanting that blood will give them. No. And find someone with crippling emotional problems, and then, you know,

use them for your game of pretend, because they're fucking terrible people. Find one with emotional problems. Well, I don't think that anybody here actually wants any attention. And try to practice the ever-important safety precautions to make sure you don't get any blood borne diseases, which is different

than blood borne diseases. Blood of blood. So then there's lamb, which tastes like human blood, but milder. There's pig. It has a very good rich taste. However, due to the risk of getting a tapeworm from consuming any part of a pig that's not fully cooked, definitely not recommended.

I am a real vampire and a real idiot. Then there's deer. Think of it as the middle ground between cow and human blood. Now, it's not like deer are unclean. It's not like they have any sort of bacteria or viruses or parasites in them. Cow, that tastes like human blood, but stronger. Okay, so deer blood tastes like the middle ground between cow and human, and cow just tastes like stronger human blood.

Yep. But it's stronger. It tastes like human blood, but stronger. Not in the vampire kind of strong. It just has a boulder-like taste. It's in seventh place for a reason. I love the fine, bold taste of cow's blood.

It gets me up in the morning. It's bold! Bison's got a very sweet taste. The only problem is that it's chalky aftertaste. Duck, I remember that being milder than lamb's blood, but it's otherwise the same. And then turkey is just slightly less of a watered-down taste as chicken's blood, and then following that

with chicken, which tastes like very watered-down blood, plus it's not safe to consume. However, for every ounce of it, put it in the microwave for three to four seconds as an absolute last emergency.

Oh, boy. You got one of those microwaves that eliminates salmonella, right? Yeah, you know what a vampire would love is a radioactivity-producing home appliance. Vampires love shitting. I really want the stove top recipe

for how to heat my blood up more pierced that way what's the mouth feel of this blood like watery stronger than blood blood bling blood yeah we get like the blood like ice cube trays

Fred's blood yeah what yes what is it my blood dressed up like a hot dog today if I wanted to get human blood but I didn't want to

drink it like if I wanted to inject it or something was there like any way that I could do that well you can get human blood via syringe ooh tell me more

yeah lol why can't we just do what the red cross does why can't we do that what the Red Cross does? Why can't we do that? What difference is between me and the Red Cross? Let them sit down for a few minutes to get over possible dizziness,

hand them a snack-sized jukebox, and send them on their way. Just because Red Cross does it doesn't make it morally right. Wait, what? Wow, I just rethought everything. One of the most reprehensible things I think well truthfully if you're taking enough where they are feeling genuinely dizzy or sick then you're taking way too much with me

they lose more blood by having it drawn by a doctor for their routine checkup than they are for me so what are these weird marks you have on your arms oh well doctor I have one of my friends just randomly bite me. Don't worry, they told me they needed to do it. It's the help you need.

You need help. Yeah. It's a safe place. You can admit that you have a drug problem. No, I just let an idiot bite me. Guess that makes me the idiot, huh? Guess that makes me the idiot, huh? Yes, these things are public services provided for people with drug problems.

But who do you think is really better off using the needle exchange program? A vamp that wants a safe way to get blood from a willing exclamation point donor or a drug addict? Drug addict. I like the snooty. Oh, see, you're addicted to drugs. See, I'm addicted to Vampire the Masquerade and the internet. That's way better. You're addicted to drugs.

I need to eat. As somebody that, I mean, I'm firmly, I very much appreciate the needle exchange program. I think that it's just a good thing on several levels. Well, anyway, we need to move on to some more things. We got the new code in there. We got the getting blood. That's been really useful information.

Yeah. For some reason, further down the page is a recipe for duck blood soup. Yeah, there is. I don't know why, but it sounds fucking disgusting. It's got duck blood, water, salt, celery, parsley, heavy

cream, allspice, prunes, and then prunes and raisins. What the fuck? Why not? And then let's throw a fucking apple in there. What a gross pie. I'd make that. Really?

You know, I make a lot of food. That's a real thing. That's true. Alright. I will make it and then I will post pictures to Ball Pit. That's B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. That's terrific I will post pictures to Ball Pit. That's B-A-L-L-P dot I-T.

That's terrific. Good. Yeah, thank you. What if it turns you into a vampire? That'll be in the food thread, F-U-M-L-A-U-D, and that's one of those threads that you need an account to look at. And you need to play Slayer while you make it.

Make it one. So, let's see. So, you're a vampire there, Portax. And that's nice for you. I am. But you're kind of a pussy. Oh, boy. And so, excuse me, not just kind of a pussy.

Well, super infection can help with that. So, let's find out how to get some Harvard University super infection. Super infection? can help with that. So let's find out how to get some Harvard University superinfection. Superinfection? Yeah, there's a link to a Harvard paper on this page, so... Alright then. There sure is a bunch of algebraic symbols

on this page. Real vampires can superinfect each other, making each other stronger as a vampire. Like as a Voltron vampire? Yeah, that's right. Just pile up them nerds. This is why real

vampires forming groups with other real vampires can be very beneficial to all of the vampires in that vampire group. Vampire, vampire, vampire. The wikia in this link can be used to help vampires start a vampire group in their area. If you aren't a real vampire, this super infection page does not apply to you.

However, the how to get turned into a vampire can help you become one. Okay. Super infection works because it is an endogenous retrovirus. infection works because it is an endogenous retrovirus, and every time any kind of a virus goes to a new host, it mutates a little to adapt to the new host.

Like in X-Men, this is how and why if two vampires do the turning process on each other, they will both become a bit stronger. Sounds pretty gay! The turning process, so they just stand in place and spin.

Whee! I'm not nervous! I'm not nervous! Just like the flu Just like the flu virus and other things like the HIV that you kids are talking about

these days. It is constantly changing and evolving because of this reason. As long as when changing people into a vampire, vampires only choose people that have something to contribute as opposed to those that will weaken the race. Oh, good, so we got Vampire Hitler. Vampire eugenics. Yep.

The vampire endogenous retrovirus will always continue to evolve into something better. However, if the vampire makes a bad choice in who they turn, like if, say, it was a fat nerd that spent all day reading vampire novels, they will make themselves weaker as a vampire. Not to mention, we'll turn people into vampires that will only result in being in an insult to the vampire race. Any insults to the vampire race!

See, when I hold my cup of Mountain Dew Code Red, I have my pinky out. Super duper cladly. They still make Code Red? Probably. Probably. To sustain all these vampires, it's a blood substitute. Due to the turning process being a two-way thing,

that's a scientific term, the vampire is also changed a bit in the process as the endogenous retrovirus that is already in them adapts to the other person's DNA as well. I think I learned more about that from Resident Evil. Yeah, this is the T-virus. This doesn't sound much

of a big deal since I made it up. Until you start thinking in numbers of about 20 or more vampires. Think of a vampire. Now think of 20 vampires. Pretty scary, huh? Now think of 20 vampires. Pretty scary, huh? Now think of 20 vampires snowballing each other. What, are you a vampire now?

Back the fuck away, son. I can see this getting out of hand, and there's somebody just touring around America, just grinding vampire blood. These vampires are just a little daisy chain together just biting each other's necks and just never-ending orboros. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

It's like the human centipede and some shit. Vampires that form groups and super infect each other is the fastest and best way to accelerate the rate of our own evolution as a vampire race. Super infection only works with real vampire. It won't work for energy vampires because they aren't real vampires. Oh, no, that's just racist. So how far are you in the fountainhead? The only way to make us more powerful is to suck each other off.

I got three chapters into the fountainhead and I didn't see any vampires in it, so I lost all interest immediately. No, the vampires are the fucking proletariat. I remember a long time ago some crazy idiot on the internet told me the reason I was such an asshole is because I was an energy vampire, so it wasn't really my fault. Oh. Did that make you feel better at that point? Yeah, you're better now, right? Well, it made me feel better in that I knew I could go out of my way to, like,

fuck with people that believe in that shit, and then they'd be like, you're such a bitch, and I'd be like, put my jazz hands up, like, energy vampire! Energy vampire! You know what your problem is? You can't do anything about it! You know what your problem is? You know what your problem is? You know what your problem is? I've given you all the power,

and you don't know who I am. You bitch. Ladies and gentlemen, victim culture on the internet. That's the best part, though, is that it actually worked. That actually, that excuse worked for a couple of years. So, you know. All right.

So, let's see. Okay, so we are coming down to the end here. We have a choice to make. Boots, would you like to read about enabling in the vampire community? It's a PBS special. Or real vampire myths, exaggerations, and facts. Myths.

I'll take myths. So this page is to help us separate the myths from the facts, right, Boots? Yeah. There's so many myths, and there's so many facts. And so many tables. It's so hard to keep all of them in order. Oh, let's separate them.

So I heard, you know, I heard that real vampires don't need blood. They only need some part of blood. Or just energy. Some part of blood. Oh yeah, that's a big red myth. Oh no. Yep, a real vampire needs blood, but doesn't need it

for a psychological or medical reason and at the same time gets a few perks. For those who believe that having just an energy problem makes them a vampire, try looking into the classic symptoms for hypochondria, psychotic depression,

Reinfeld's, depression, hypothyroidism, insomnia, sleep apnea, chronic fatigue syndrome, aka CFS, fibromyalgia,

eating disorders, damaged obesity, does to the body, polymorphia, sorry, that's not all what that says. No. Porphyria.

Yeah. Porphyria. What else? What else? What else? Blood fetish. Hemophilia. Myasthenia gravis.

Oh, no. My hemophilia. I need more blood. My blood fetish is acting up. Oh, my fetish. Oh, my fetish. I'm bleeding out constantly. Am I a vampire?

I like the longer that this list goes, it turns into more metal band names. Blood fetish, hemophilia. I heard that real vampires can fly. Is that true? Myth. Real vampires can't fly, and neither can Superman. Well, who can't fly? Wait.

Wait. Do you believe everything you see in the movies are just the things you see in vampire movies? Both. Vampires can't fly, and neither can Superman. Well, who can't fly? Wait, wait. Do you believe everything you see in the movies are just the things you see in vampire movies? Both. Neither. Pass. I was... Just get me.

Come back to me. Come back to me. I was really hoping it would be myth. Vampire has to turn into a bat first, asshole. Dumbass. First ass. Dumb ass. They can only float like that scene in The Lost Boys.

So I heard that sunlight kills real vampires. That's true, right? No, that's an extreme exaggeration. Sunlight won't kill a real vampire. However, due to a heightened sensitivity to it, just like we have with basically everything else. Oh, my God. But apparently not grammatical mistakes,

because I have sensitivity to that. A real vampire feels obsessively compelled to write about being a real vampire. compelled to write about being a real vampire. A real vampire gets a nosebleed when mom drives up the hill too fast. I was thinking he said a real vampire Hallmark car and he just bursts out in tears. And then basically

stuff you said before. Anyway, so real vampires are undead, that's true. That's a myth. God damn it. Real vampires are not undead creatures, nor are undead. That's true. That's a myth. What? God damn it. We just... Real vampires are not undead creatures, nor are they monsters. This myth most likely comes from the Dracula stories that are only barely based on the real Romanian hero blood.

Oh, everything you know about ancient Egyptians you got from fucking Egypt, you idiot. Everything you know about ancient Egyptians you got from fucking Egypt, you idiot. So real vampires kill people for food or blood. I know that's true. That's true. That's a myth. Damn it. Real vampires today do not kill people for blood or for food. All real vampires for at least the past few decades receive blood only from willing donors

while causing the very minimum amount of pain, and in a lot of cases no pain at all. Back when superstitions, fear of witches, vampires, werewolves, zombies, and other monsters ran rampant. Basically back when it would have been impossible to get a willing donor. Get on with it!

Forensics was virtually non-existent. Real vampires, blah blah blah. Real vampires, they have that. Real vampires, they have fangs. That's a myth. What the fuck? So, okay, we are all vampires then, because apparently

everything we thought about vampires is just completely wrong. How are you, like, oh, they don't care for blood at all, actually, it turns out. When is this website going to say anything in the affirmative? It's just, real vampires don't care for blood at all, actually, it turns out. When is this website going to say anything in the affirmative? It's just, real vampires don't do that. Real vampires don't do that.

Mom, real vampires don't do that. Real vampires spend all their time in front of the computer. You don't understand. You'll never understand. There's a legend on this chart. It says, fact is in green. Exactly. There's nothing in green.

There's no fact on this website. This is the well-known note. There's no fact on this website. This is the well-known There's no fact on this website. This is the no true vampire fallacy. This guy's following. So they sleep in coffins? That's true.

No, it's coffins. That's a myth. They don't sleep in coffins because they don't need sleep, right? That's a myth. God damn it! Oh, they don't sleep in coffins because they don't need sleep, right? That's a myth. Okay. We sleep in normal beds just like everybody else does. Okay.

So they only need blood and they can't eat normal food. That's a myth. Real vampires eat anything that normally people eat. Real vampires don't live on just blood. Whoa! So they're immortal?

That's a bit of an extreme exaggeration. Real vampires are far from being immortal. They're kind of immortal. We do age noticeably slower, and we do survive a lot of things, but not everything that a normal person should not be able to survive. You're fucking lying! How would you know? Oh yeah, I've been sitting here typing on the internet. I've put myself in a lot of dangerous situations. This one time

a guy sent me a really nasty email. I survived. Hey, again, if I have to remind you, Alex Chu is still alive. Real vampires are rich and live in castles. Myth. Real vampires work at night. Real vampires work at night. Real vampires

work at subway. Real vampires have to feed food to drunks. So, the last section that we have here is a super fun section of VampireWebsite.net, which is called VampireWebsite.net forward slash VampireJokes.html.

Hooray! We've been telling vampire jokes this whole time. Well, the first one just says cat alien conspiracy. Yep. It's a vampire joke. And it's pretty long. Okay, I got number two. No, I don't think we're going to read that one then.

Why is it a bad thing to tell a vampire to get a life? I don't know. Why is it a bad thing to tell a vampire to get a life? Because they might decide to take yours. I get it. Joke number three. How many vampires does it take to change a light bulb? Zero.

None of them needs it. Alright, guys. Number four. This one's gonna knock you dead. Great! Hey, Kev, did you hear about the vampires, Kevin? There were two guys sitting in a living room. One man says to the other, I would rather live with a vampire than my wife. The other man says,

Why? Because she's always trying to bite my head off. Ooh. Wait, let me kickstart the joke machine here. Let me just see what I can... It's belching out smoke. You flooded it.

What? Okay, guys. Guys, we got one, okay? This is great. This is A material. Alright. What does a vampire dream of all the time? Something warm, hot, and juicy. Like that pussy! Is it warm, hot juice?

Death vampire jam? Yeah, it's vampire comic you. Get the Sandman to... You got to get that vampire to that pussy boy. What? It's microwave V8, isn't it? Hamburger. There was once a vampire named...

Oh, this is a... There once was. It's a limerick. Yep, sorry. Okay, here we go. There once was a vampire named Mabel, whose period was notoriously stable. So one night in June, she sat with a spoon and drank herself under the table.

Boo. Boo. Just sit in the corner and think about what you've done. Boo. What else we got? Oh. The pros and cons of dating a vampire. Pro.

Long relationships. Allowed to stay out late. Easy weight loss. Centuries of experience. Immune to all diseases. Also has amazing stamina. Loves neck. Save on food bills.

He won't get a beer belly or have garlic breath. You can screw all day long without him knowing. You've got to weigh up the pros and cons. So Adam. Yes? As a comedy professional Do you feel That maintaining

The premise of a joke Is important in the delivery of a joke Well yeah of course Okay Do you think that that was a success right there As far as What do you mean If you were to dissect this joke Like let's say hypothetically I mean I If you were to dissect this joke,

let's say hypothetically something went wrong. I don't like to dissect jokes because it just kills the humor of it because we all know what's funny about this list. Think about it. There's this pro list. There's this list of pros.

Yep. And there's no cons. No. Get it? So you should fuck a vampire and there's no cons no get it so you should fuck a vampire all night long alright do you get it

if you had a 10 minute set I would say leave that out of the 10 minute set if you got a full 20 probably put that in there he's the professional you're not this is really the material, dude. I close on this. And how does that usually go? Well, people are glad that I'm getting off stage.

Okay, great. I got a joke. What's your joke? I got a joke. What does a vampirist do when she gets lost in the dessert? Waits for her period. Why? Why would that help?

Also waits, like, I guess a month? She'll be dead. Because vampires aren't immortal, right? But what... She could get very sick in the dessert. That's not a good solution to your problem. She just waits for a piece. She died ahead. Okay.

Did you, like, grow up without cable or something? Like, why do you not get these? I did, yeah. Ah, I see. I can tell. I've been a vampire for some seven score years now. I've been a vampire for some seven score years now. Ever since that fateful night when I was drained of my humanity by a beautiful, dark goddess of the night. I left my mundane life behind and now I do great things.

like the old ladies cross the street and then watching them shriek in horror as I empty their worthless veins and leave their lifeless husks in alleyways yes

being a vampire is all you've heard it is except for the part where no one rehabbed me because I can only work at night and I can only kill people who are stupid enough to invite me into their homes. Do you know how

hard it is to convince someone you were a Jehovah's Witness at two in the morning? No. Anyway, if you would like to become a vampire, please send two dollars to this address. See, this is a great character piece. You know what? I would say

as far as character stuff goes, I would rather hear that than Kevin Meany. That's not right. We're vampire people in this house. Drinking people's blood. That's crazy, these vampires.

Telling me it's Chef Boyardee. Chef Boyardee doesn't come out of a woman's neck. That's not right. What are you, one of those crazy people that thinks they're a vampire? Get over it. So if someone asked you if you were a vampire and you had to match the tone, then I guess you'd have to say yes like Kevin Meaney. Who's that?

There were these three vampires. The first vampire walks into the bar and says, Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka. The bartender gives him the shot of blood and vodka. The bartender... Oh, wait, no, the vampire. The vampire drinks it and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and says, Bartender, give me a shot of blood and leaves. The second vampire walks into the bar and says, bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka. The bartender gives him a shot of blood and vodka. The vampire drinks it and leaves. The third vampire walks into the bar and says, bartender,

give me a mug of hot water. The bartender gives him a surprise look. Why do you want a mug of hot water? The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, It's tea time! Brevity is the soul of wit, motherfucker! Writing jokes is easy. Just copy and paste.

Don't read that shit. Oh, it's the rule of three, so copy this three times. So mention periods like 300 times, and you're golden. Yep. All right. What else we got? Hey, you kids. Hey, I got a great joke for you.

Okay? Okay. You kids, yeah. Okay, lawyers versus vampires. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? Oh, I got a great joke for you. Okay? You kids, yeah. Okay, lawyers versus vampires. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? Oh, it's something about sucking blood. It's the vampire blood sucking. Lawyers are blood sucking, right?

I've, well, a vampire only sucks blood at night. You guessed it. Yeah, great. I got nothing else. Good. Yeah. Yeah, great. I got nothing else. What about Dan Fielding? He works at night. I have joke number 12. Yay, joke number 12!

You always want to announce the number of jokes during your routine. That happens in stand-up, right? I can see Steven Wright doing that. Joke number 12, now deploying. Prepare for joke number 12. Joke number 12 begins. Will you tell us when it ends, too?

I'm going to have to. We may need to know, actually. Have you ever been able to keep a straight face around Will you tell us when it ends, too? I'm going to have to. We may need to know, actually. Have you ever been able to keep a straight face around someone who tried to say, Foolish mortal with fangs in? It's more like, fooleth mortal. A bed as mysterious and threatening as Sylvester the Cat. Looney Tunes, LARP, anyone? Joke number 12 is finished.

Thank God. Robot audience likes it. Robocraft. He kind of, like, with joke number 12, he actually kind of got close to a joke, and then he just buttoned the shit out of it until it was dead. Yep. All right, what do we got next?

How many goths does it take to change a light bulb? Well, I don't know. None the lights wouldn't be on anyway. Okay, that was a joke. That was joke number three. This is the Tommy D comedy. It sure was. Oh, I love the Tommy D comedy!

I love the Tommy Davidson trying to act like he invented callbacks. He brought the Tommy D comedy. Bringing back the Tommy D comedy. That's right. The cat's sitting there on the stoop. The Tommy D. What's next? Jack Chick?

What do you call a vampire with fangs? What do you call a vampire with fangs? A poser. Dracula? Okay. I like, it was succinct.

I like that part. Kevin, you like that one, Kevin. That kind of works as a metal hitter. I don't know, man. Oh, you, you like brief jokes, Kevin. That kind of works as a mental hit. I don't know, man. Oh, you... You like brief jokes? You like brief jokes?

I sure do! I love brief jokes! I have a short joke for you. Okay, great. Let's hear this short brief joke. Okay. A vampire bat flies back into his cave after a big night, and he has blood all over his face.

Purchases himself on the roof to try to get some rest, right? But before too long, all the other bats smell the blood and they start to gather around him. They ask feverishly where he got the blood from, right? Uh-huh. Knowing that they will not let up till he tells them, okay, follow me! He flies out the cave, and across a valley,

and over a river, and into a dark forest, and deep in the forest, he stops! And all the other bats gather around in excited frenzy. No, you're really a trap machine. Okay, says the bat. See that big oak tree over there? Yeah, yeah, replied the other bats, drilling anticipation.

How you doing, Jet Jack? Well, I simply fucking didn't, said the bat. Oh, the comedian's no longer talking. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, the comedian's no longer talking. See, he didn't see it because the sight was written by a dumbass. You ready for a joke? So the tree was full of blood, huh? You ready for a joke, 16?

Why was the young vampire a failure? Why? Because he fainted at the sight of blood. Oh. That's a horrible way to get started. Joke number 17 is even better. Joke number 17

is a link to another long enumerated list. And joke number 18 is a link to a page with 1,200 JavaScript alerts. Hi! Welcome to my vampire website. After this, you will be Prevent This Page from creating additional dialogues. Yeah, so what did we learn from any of this, F+, Well, I thought the vampires had fangs and drank blood all the time

and could transform and that sort of thing. I found out that they're not funny and they're just nerds on the internet, so they're not so scary anymore. That's good. You were scared of them until now? Yeah, I was terrified. Just every night I had a wooden stake and

some garlic and I just made crosses out of every single thing I could find in my house. Not anymore, though. Okay, well, good. Anyone else learn anything? I learned that the people who claim to be real vampires on the internet are actually just all about trying to seek attention, which is pretty different than the rest of the internet.

So it's, you know, kind of a revelation. Yeah, they've got different tactics. I learned that I'm probably the greatest vampire that has ever existed, and I never even tried. So you are pretty Irish. It's true. It's a key thing for a vampire. Yeah, yeah.

You're white and you eat a lot of meat, so good for you. Yay. Yeah, it's, I mean, vampire means nothing, obviously. Like, I don't understand why you want to sign up for the stupid little group. Because? Because, like, the thing is, is that, like, kind of every, like, even in fiction, like, what everyone does with vampires, every time anyone writes a vampire book, they just go, Oh, my vampires, the cross, that's stupid. They're fine with the cross.

But garlic actually does fuck them up. Oh, no, mine go outside, but wooden stake. And everyone just has their own fun picking and choosing some sort of stupid piece of mythos, which is a dumb exercise, but it's even dumber if it's in reality. And in the case of this, nothing about this is appealing. Being a vampire doesn't give you web design skills.

That's why I became a vampire. Go with it, huh? Myth. Vampires can make good websites. What are you getting out of this shit? Myth. Vampires hate ordered lists. I've sort of learned that the

unquiet mind tries to order itself by telling itself what it's not uh like this guy clearly just wants to be a vampire but he has to keep explaining why he doesn't do anything that's a vamp like instead of just accepting that you know he's probably just a weirdo who likes vampire stuff he's like no i'm a vampire but i'm, and I'm not that, and don't say I'm this, and I told you guys that I'm not this, but I am a vampire, and I keep saying I'm not this, guys. Guys, are you not listening? If you had to guess, because we frequently, frequently in this podcast,

we're featuring people that say that there's something that they're completely not, because the thing that they're saying is ridiculous. They're saying that they're married to Loki or they're the founders of an island nation. Yeah, exactly. Or that they didn't fuck their car. They're people who did not have sex with their car so like i like when we're reading people like this like how how strong do you think that belief is in their mind like how strong do you think this guy actually think i think it's the only vampire i think it's the only thing going through his head is just that constant like like it's like his brain is batting a beach ball and trying to keep

it in the air because the moment it falls down, it's over. You know, it's just that sort of like, well, I'm a vampire. No, I'm a vampire. No, no, I'm a vampire. No, no, I'm a vampire. I'm pretty sure I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire. Pretty much.

I mean, with a lot of these people, like, especially with this kind of otherkin type set, and just people that are making shit up, like, you know know I've got cartoon characters living in my head and all that crap they actually don't really believe it because in order to genuinely believe something like that you'd have to have something you know wrong with your brain and these people are very rarely like genuinely crazy but they just want to convince themselves of it

so much and somewhere in the back of their mind they just they know that it's bullshit and so all they have is just reaffirming it over and over and over again. I feel like maybe there's just some people on the internet that just haven't had enough first-hand experience with genuinely, frighteningly

crazy people. Yeah. Because, you know, when you see somebody with bipolar disorder losing their shit, the whole thing gets a little bit less attractive. I don't think it's so much that. I think it's just a cry for attention.

I think that these are profoundly lonely people who just don't have anything else that's going on. So they're like, fuck it, I'll cling to this because that'll make me stand out from the crowd and make me something that's more interesting than just some boring fucking jackass who works at goddamn Togo's. Website as always, thefpl.us and also Ball Pit! It's a wonderful forum you should join.

$10 gets you lifetime access to the greatest forum. The metal thread is fucking wonderful and all of you should go there. We need recruits. Okay! All of you should go there. We need recruits. Okay. Have a good one. Bye-bye. Bye.

I don't care. You don't care. I don't care. You don't care. Get off my phone. Get off my phone. Get off my phone! Get off my phone! Get off my phone!

I'm gonna lose my mind today. No, we need the jokes, though. We need the jokes. The jokes. Shh, I know, I know. We'll get to the jokes. We need them. We probably need them.

There's gonna be jokes later. I need the jokes. I just meant to the jokes. We need them. Probably need them. There's going to be jokes later. I need the jokes. I just meant in the podcast. We're not funny enough. That's definitely true. Sure. Let's put some jokes into the show.