The F Plus - 177: How To Listen To A Podcast You Hate

Episode Date: May 28, 2015

So have you had enough WikiHow episodes at this point? Of course you haven't. You are a human being with a capacity for joy and wonder. And there's a bunch of people who weren't in the other WikiHow episode who were jealous.

How to go through a Blood Brother ritual... Oh, am I going to start that one over? This is off to a good start. How to go through a... This is really hard to say. Blood Brother. How to... How to rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Rubber baby buggy bumpers. Don't speak of other sides. Failure of a bug mask. To the center of a lucky sign. As a whole, not back to the F+, a very, very informational and helpful and not at all asinine place for terrible things read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Ring Gear. Method 307, cornstarch and borax poop. Portax. I learned eight ways to peel a banana.

Jimmy Franks? Part of the allure of a donkey butt is how you present it, and a pair of jeans can either make or break up a dog-a-dog. John Toast? Pelagianism is a belief that original sin did not taint human nature and that mortal will is still capable of choosing good or evil without special divine aid. Jack Chick! Hardcore metalheads will call Slipknot fake metal. Be better than him and listen to all music. Yes, even Electric Six.

And Lemon. For example, if your guy friend just got a new haircut but is a little embarrassed to show it off, you might say something like, Whoa! Check out your new look! Frosted tips will never go out of fashion. Hey, F+. Hi, Lemon. Hey, Lemon.

Hello, Lemon. So, John Toast, Portex, Jimmy Franks, Jack Chick, let's do some fucking wikiHow! Yeah! Yay! That's right. We're doing more goddamn wikiHow. Last week,

last week, we recorded a bunch of wikiHow with a different group of people, and since then, I have been looking at things on wikiHow. I have a different group of people. And since then, I have been looking at things on Wikihow. I have a whole bunch of things we haven't read in the document. We need to dig back into it. So this is, I believe, this would end up being episode five, I want to say.

This is episode five of the F plus Wikihow pantheon. Let's see where to start, where to start. There are so many articles informing women how to pee themselves. And that is useful, but not as useful as the instructions of how to make a ramen noodle sandwich.

Jack, you're the culinary expert in this podcast. I feel like you should tell us how to make a ramen noodle sandwich. Screw you, Nacho. A soup sandwich is a kind of a sandwich that doesn't have bread. You can make this sandwich at any time of the day, and it only takes about three minutes to make. It's not time-consuming, and it tastes delicious. Read on how to make a ramen noodle sandwich.

Why no quotes on delicious? You put quotes on sandwich. Right, well because it's not really a sandwich but it is actually delicious. And you know what's really going to convince you is the ingredients, right? So let's just move on to that, right? So the ingredients, everybody get out your

pen and paper. I use an app. Okay, good. Okay, that's fine. Shit, I have two pens. No, that's fine, too. Just take double notes. It's okay.

One bag of ramen noodles can be any flavor. Any flavor you want. Any flavor. Boom. Wow, that's okay. Boom. Yeah, it's good, dude. It's so good.

It's so good. It's so good. It's so easy, too. Check this out. Next thing you're going to need, right, is filling ingredients, such as slices of cheese, cucumber, meat, etc. Okay, and then... Five-star noodle sandwich.

Okay, so... Cool, so that's it for the ingredients. We're done there, so now... So my ingredients, I'm going to use some oriental-flavored ramen, and I'm going to combine that with an entire cucumber, a tomato, ranch dressing, and mayonnaise. Okay? I feel like I'm in San Francisco.

So. And we've got it here prepared. I thought you were thinking that, Boots, from that middle-distance stare you have. All right, so now let's get to some steps. Step one, bring the water to a boil. Step two, open the bag of ramen noodles. Take the seasoning out of the noodle bag and set to one side. Just take a bite out of the package, just hold, shoot it up like a fucking goat.

Nope, that's incorrect. That's incorrect. Step three, add the ramen noodles to the water, but only keep them in for about a minute. Do not fully cook the noodles! Then they should lose all their flavor. They should be a bit... They should be a bit hard so that they remain in one piece. Oh, yeah.

Dude. Half-baked ramen noodles, yeah. Great night. Step four, here it comes, here it comes. Drain the water, making sure the noodles don't come out of the pan. Okay. Step five. Grab a plate, lay the noodles onto it, splitting the noodle block into two halves.

It should look like you have two pieces of bread now. Only this is formed by the two slices of noodles. Oh, they didn't turn into bread. Yeah, I know. You're getting super delicious. Okay, now we're going to add our cucumber, our tomato, our ranch dressing, and our mayonnaise. Okay?

So we're going to add our favorite sandwich fillers to one side of the bread. Right. And the picture is depicted as a chunk of meat. Yep. Yeah, it's just a sausage from a sausage biscuit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just Jimmy Dean.

Okay, so at least we've thrown the flavor packet away. Right. So step seven is to open the seasoning packet. You're going to pour that just on top of the fucking thing that you put in there. Now, this is the instructions. Now, I, you know, as a chef, I take every single recipe and modify the fuck out of it.

So, what I do is I actually put the ranch dressing and the mayo together, I stir it together and then I add the seasoning packet to that, stir it up. Do you have any tips on step seven there? On step seven, yeah. You don't want to sprinkle all of it, though,

because it's really concentrated. It might taste a little bit salty. Because it's literally salt. It's literally salt. Just a hair salty, I guess. Yeah, it's salt and MSG. Then all you need to do is you put the halves together and serve and enjoy your soup sandwich.

Now, the important thing there, you might think it's the enjoyment. It's actually the serving, right? You need to give that to somebody you love. Step nine is make an appointment with your doctor because you now have hypertension. Well, I would say make an appointment with the love of your life's doctor because you're going to be gifting that to them. Gentlemen, excellent date recipe.

I suppose if you're Oscar the Grouch and fishing this out of the garbage can. Hey, do you have one tip you could tell me? I, in fact, have exactly one tip that I can give you. Okay, what's that? Sprinkle some freshly chopped herbs over the top to garnish.

I don't know, I don't like eating organic food. Yeah, let's speak to our audience. It's getting fucking fancy up in here. Oh, fuck, okay. For a quick and easy family meal. Hey kids, what do you want for dinner tonight?

How to make macramendog? Macramendog. You know what I was really disappointed by? Is that while Jack was reading, I searched for ramen lasagna and nothing came up. That's okay, we got the macramendog here. We got the macramendog. Ooh, there's photos. Macramendog.

Yeah, they're really gross. Okay, that's photos. Macramé dog. Yeah, they're really gross. Okay. That's gross. So let's move away from that gross thing and get into something that's not gross. Jimmy Franks. Oh, no. What? What?

We're going to do something gross. So, Jimmy Franks, how do I react when my spouse is wearing diapers? Lemon, I'm glad you asked that question. You've come to the right place. I'm glad I asked, too. Lemon, I'm glad you asked that question. You've come to the right place. This explains what to do and what not to do if you catch your spouse wearing diapers.

Since a lot depends on why. Don't not divorce them. Since a lot depends on why they are wearing them, finding this out is going to be your first task. I mean, a task, but like. Well, I mean, you will inadvertently say what the fuck, so I might as well get your explanation at that point. All right, all right, what should I do? Check it out. Step one, ask why they're wearing diapers.

Why are you wearing diapers? Well, hold on now. Why happen? Don't, don't, don't, don't. Thank God Wikihouse showed up, otherwise I never would have asked. Well, it's really important because once people get married, they entirely forget how to talk to each other. Yeah, yeah. Don't fly off the handle, guys. Also, judging by the picture,

also judging by the picture, when you ask them, you should be holding up a mannequin hand. And say question mark? Honey, I'm only asking this so that I can prepare to react to it. Be understanding,

gentle, and non-judgmental. If they seem very worried, remind them that you still love them. In general, adults consider diapers degrading and won't wear them unless they have a very good reason. By good reason, you mean what now?

There are three common answers you might expect to get. Due to medical need, like incontinence. How would you not have heard about that before? Due to a diaper fetish for sexual satisfaction. Again. Or because they're an adult baby.

I have the same question for all three of us. How do you not know about that? So if it's due to a medical need, they should probably see a doctor if they haven't already. Oh, shit's just leaking out of my ass. I don't need to see anybody about it. I figure it'll sort itself out.

Any problem that would cause lack of bladder or bowel control should be serious and is worth medical attention. They're going to need a lot of support from you at this time, as not only can the tests be invasive and uncomfortable, but they will likely be highly embarrassed about the situation as well. Are they too embarrassed to draw a whole bunch of pictures of sexy ladies wearing diapers? Oh my god, yes, these are, oh dear. I don't like this. If they're wearing them for sexual

reasons, it's very likely they have a diaper finish. Yes, that would be I'd say that's very likely. It's highly likely. Look, people have finishes for all sorts of things, from leather, rubber, and latex, to wearing the clothes of the opposite sex, and many more besides. Given that diapers are soft,

warm, and rub against the sex organs. Rub against the sex organs? I feel like he's trying to sell me here. Yeah, this has turned... Rub against the sex organs is the name of my Rage Against the Machine erotic cover band.

Ooh, that's nice! It shouldn't be a surprise that if human beings can develop fetishes for almost anything, some end up with a diaper fetish. And here's a link that you can check out to find out more. On Wikihow. If they're wearing them because they enjoy regressing, feeling baby-like, or they tell you they're an adult baby, that is potentially the most complex situation.

More complex than them having just a full-on diaper fetish. It's gross and scary. I think that might be one of the simplest how-to-react solutions. It's like, I want a divorce. Adult babies, sometimes referred to as ABs, typically enjoy role-playing as a baby

using diapers, baby toys, etc. Some ABs are also DLs and may or may not... I think it says diaper lover. Some ABs are also diaper lovers and may or may not mix the two. Some ABs are

also DLs and are DTF. Yeah, right. World Health Organization. WWF. Adult baby diaper lovers is a complex topic too complex to explain here you should visit this site to start understanding this lifestyle

you bet here I go go to your local library and read more about it hi we've talked about diaper fetish a lot in this episode yeah we have it's very important to realize that no matter what you discover about your spouse,

they're still your spouse, and they love you. Not as much as diapers. How to marry a diaper. Six steps. With pictures. They're also hoping that you still love them. This is only likely to become a major issue in your relationship if you make it one. Oh, fuck off.

You're the weirdo for having a problem with it. God damn it. I thought you loved your wife. What the hell, jerk? This article totally fucked it up for somebody who wanted to have the other person do the divorce. And they're like, oh, honey, I still love you. And it's like, fuck, I thought if I went for the diapers, they'd totally be out.

So it's just like, how to react if you find out your spouse is wearing diapers. Just one step. Don't, apparently. Oh, honey, that's so great. I'm glad to know more about you. Teeth grinding. You may be hurt that they hid this from you. Bear in mind that adults who wear diapers...

No, I'm hurt that they showed it to me. The hiding was preferable. I'm hurt that they showed it to me. The hiding was preferable. Bear in mind that adults who wear diapers have many reasons for doing so, from simple embarrassment to the more damaging shame, concerns about not worrying the people in their life, etc. How do you know this?

Some also simply don't feel a need to share it if it doesn't otherwise affect their life, and there's no benefit to doing so. In short... Some just want to come. In short... Believe it or not. Don't feel hurt if this was not shared with you. While it's generally a good idea to share, there are plenty of reasons for not doing so. Yeah, that's generally not true.

Babies, they haven't learned to share yet. What's step nine? Oh, it's just... Okay. Babies, they haven't learned to share yet. What's step nine? Oh, it's just, well... Yeah, what? Step nine, be aware that their reason for wearing, no matter what it is, is not pedophilia. Oh, so this witch hell article speaks for all fetishists everywhere. That's nice. Take my word for it.

Isn't it nice? I think it's nice. Your diaper fetish husband everywhere. That's nice. Take my word for it. Isn't it nice? I think it's nice. Your diaper fetish husband is not a pervert. Case closed. The more accurate title is how you should react, Linda, when you found me wearing diapers.

Even if they have a sexual attraction to diapers, enjoy role-playing as a baby, or both, these things are not having anything to do with pedophilia. Not illegal in any way, and not even harmful, okay? Alright, my ex-wife. You can think of them as a little eccentric, but harmless.

The greatest risk they carry is the risk of rejection from the people close to them, Linda. That could cause real harm. God, Linda is such a bitch. Fucking Linda. Yeah, I'm really thinking WikiHow has like an automatic script that takes out like, automatically takes out X, Y's at the end of each sentence.

If you want to see the articles with the original names, go to wikihowlinda.com. What's the step 11 there? Oh, well, avoid unrealistic or knee-jerk responses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't have an immediate response to your spouse in a diaper.

Again, like I said, don't react. Oh, you're so cis-ageist. Just be cool, be cool. If you can't avoid them, at least be aware of them, all right? Can't avoid them? Is this like the Scooby-Doo Doors guy? For example, the person caught with diapers may worry his spouse doesn't love him anymore, Linda. You may worry that he doesn't love you anymore.

Both of these are very unlikely. You might ask him to give up diapers, which is not realistic, regardless of reasons, as medical, DL, and AB needs are all genuine needs, even if they come from different sources. No, those aren't genuine needs. Those are all genuine needs, even if they come from different sources. No, those aren't genuine needs. Those are not genuine needs. I don't want to bring Maslow into this. But food, shelter, diapers is not how it goes.

How to work diapers into Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Let's see what we find. He might ask you to participate, such as changing him or what not Which isn't realistic unless you genuinely like the idea Indeed Honey, honey, honey I know this is a surprise and I know you're processing a lot now

That having been said I'm dirty right now It was a surprise for me I'm gonna cry the whole way To the store I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure that somebody like that is going to call it, it did an oopsie. No partner in a relationship should feel pressured into doing things they dislike by the other partner as that isn't a recipe for long-term success. Like my bitch ex-wife Linda pressuring me to stop wearing diapers.

This is a couple that gets monographed bath towels. One of them says repress. The other one says regress. That was quite a process to get to that joke, wasn't it? For ten minutes, there were diagrams. I like that. Worked well done. Step 13. Step 13.

Understand that regardless of the reason for wearing diapers, your spouse will likely need them for a while. Medical reasons for wearing diapers are surprisingly persistent. And DLAB reasons tend to last for the life of the individual.

Either way, this cannot be ignored and should be treated as a long-term thing. It's like a Saul Goodman situation where you need to find a doctor that'll write a note that you need diapers. Oh, no, I have a note from the doctor. It says, this guy is fucked up. Run away.

I feel like there are one or more editors that thought this article was about somebody finding out their spouse was incontinent. And the other one's like, oh, they found out that I'm into diapers. And they just fought through this entire article. They're just salvos on each and every one, on every sentence. And then you've got a bunch of tips. I want to hear all of your tips, please.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, I mean, not that I know from experience or anything, but... No, you know, but... Check this shit out. Accepting each other and keeping communications open strengthens a relationship. Use this as a way to become closer to each other. Don't feel threatened by it,

as diapers are not always a fetish, though they can be. I know! Did I mention that in steps 1 through 18? They will never come between you and your relationship, fetish or not. Definitely. They already have. They already have.

Quite literally. What's that crinkling? They definitely could never replace you. This gets so personal. Really? Have you seen all these forums where the fetish completely replaces other human beings? What are you talking about, Wikial? No, that last part, it's like the person writing it

is talking to a package of diapers. They could never replace it. It's just a woman fetish. There are ways to mutually enjoy diapers, sexually and otherwise, if you wish. Think of it as something new, exciting, and be creative. No! Man, this is a fun

adventure, shitting myself and all. Honey, this is so weird. Weirdly erotic? Yeah, yeah, like, like, like, and this, and this, I mean, we come back to this over and over and over with these fetishes is, like, this idea of, like, of, like, what the fuck are those?

Diapers? Well, that is not bad! Yeah, they don't understand that like not everyone is just like one encounter away from enjoying it too yeah they just haven't had the chance yeah fucking religion social not sure i pulled the old diaper hood wink on him works every time. And any more tips? See a counselor with each other to help iron out any lasting concerns you may have. No, thanks.

I may have. Avoid any counselor who suggests simply stopping diaper use as a solution, because this may work in the short term. If one spouse feels they need them but can't have them, this will become a chronically unmet need, which never works out well. I wonder if the fetish guy wrote that part. So here's my only issue with the marriage counselor, is he wanted me to change in some way. And not change my diaper.

I didn't need to find a marriage counselor, that's just that you need to change. Ideally, we need a marriage counselor who is completely, like, obsessed with their fucking, their own fucking fetish. Safe to me. And, uh, are there any, uh, there are a lot of warnings. Uh, but that's fine, that's fine. Um, are there any related- Oh, before we move on. What?

Oh, are we moving on, or? I just wanted to know if there were any related wiki haus to this article. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean were any related wiki hows to this article. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's how to build trust in a marriage, how to understand diaper lovers, how to react when your teenager is wearing diapers, and how to exercise an open mind.

Seven. Hmm. All I wanted to say is that the ad i got on the tip section i got two ads one for free diaper coupons and another one for christian mingle so take that what you will if you click the ad it'll take you directly to the diaper section of christian mingle it really should yeah Yeah, it might. Oh, I just highlighted it. I was hoping I'd highlight the banner and it'd be just one ad. One picture. Hey, John.

I want to fart in front of a girl. Of course you do. Why wouldn't you? I don't know how to do that. Can you help me fart in front of a girl? That's invidual. Well, I can help you know how to pass gas in front of a girl. That's invicible. Well, I can help you know how to pass gas in front of a girl. Thank God. Okay, boys.

We've all been there. You're talking to a girl when suddenly you need to fart. Oh, no. Here's how to deal with the need without a reaction from the girl You can't Step one Speak loudly This will help cover the fart

Talk about how I'm not farting you So I saw So I saw Age of Ultron Recently Recently Screaming about nerd shit while farting loud Age of Ultron recently! Recently! Oh, God. Screaming about nerd shit while farting loud.

Just make a sound that could be easily disguised as it, I think. Like, so it's like, oh, hey, Martha, how are... Wow, you fart weird, Boots. I changed my mind halfway through that, but okay. Hey, Meredith! Have you remembered how trumpets sound? They sound like... So Martha and Meredith and Linda get together after this horrifying ordeal.

Okay, so number two. Tell her you need to go to the bathroom or any out-of-the-way place wherever you are. Then torpedo there and fart away. Torpedo propulsed by the fart? Hang on. Fart away? One sec.

Launch yourself at a submarine and then go and fart. Any other steps? Well, number three is, if there is music, turn it up loud. Oh, Jesus. Another volume cover-up?

Yes. Excuse me for a second. Hey, man, I gotta fart like a motherfucker! Turn it up for fart! Oh no, it's a cha-cha slide. I'm farting in between the instructions. Oh no! I'm so glad that there's not another sense that can detect farts.

One fart this time! Fart! Shush your pants real smooth. Number four. Suggest going for a stroll together Not only might she find this romantic But it means you won't be hanging around Smelling the er fragrance

You've left behind Mmm yeah Farts You have to cover for the sound with all the noise made Pushing chairs back and gathering coats Wait on our stroll? Where are we strolling? Fart town, apparently.

Do you mind if I bring this loud plastic chair with me while we walk? I'll just keep pushing it around. What if I just ask her, what if I just say that, what if I just say to the lady, I need to fart! Is that a good idea? Number five, never say you need to fart.

Women don't fart and do not understand them. She'll work it out for herself, or you blow any chance of a subtle and unnoticed escape of gas. I need to fart. That wasn't me. I need to fart! Who farted? I didn't say I did fart.

I just said I needed to. God. It's different. Admitting you're about to fart will only disgust most girls. And if it leads to a loud discussion of passing gas, you know you've truly shot yourself in the foot. Also hot. Just shit in your diaper.

Number six. Apologize. Yeah, that was the inevitable conclusion of this sitcom romp. Oh, no. Be a gentleman and excuse yourself. She doesn't need to know about all the baked beans you ate last night or just what sort of fart it was. Simply say, excuse me. And she'll be too impressed

by your manners to fuss about that smell. Oh, God. Oh, Gary, that's too... Well, oh, you said thank you. Wow. Oh, my. Wow, that's so polite.

Hey, I got some tips. I got some tips. No, your tips are kind of the same. I mean, they really are the same. No, no. Well, what about no awkward faces? This is my old face. This is my fart face. When farting, don't make a cartoon

face. John. Things you'll need. John, what kind of things would I need to do this? Oh, well, I'll need two things. I'll need a phone

for fart ringtone damage control. I had such a weird date with Chris last night. So, we're out on a date and we're looking at his phone and we're looking at his fart app for like 20 minutes. And then, he farts and I was like, eww!

Alright, Brad, I'm gonna fart at this part of the date. You need to call me right then. You'll know the time. Go. Synchronize watches. Well, I need something else, though. Perfume to cover up smell in case of emergency. Optional. Just carry around perfume.

Alright, yeah, good, good. Very good. Okay, uh... Oh, good. Very good. Okay. Oh, now it smells like farts and Kim Kardashian's cologne. I don't know if this is an improvement. Oh, man, there are... Oh, my God. There's so many...

Did this article help you? Yes. Yeah, it did. So, by the way, as I said, all of the things that we were reading, both in this episode and the previous episode, were all suggested by listeners. Make Ramen Noodle Sandwich, suggested by W. Thank you for that. The spouse wearing diapers, that was Digital Walnut.

Thank you for that. And the farting in front of a girl was an anonymous submission. There are some more that we can do here, but, Portex, I think I need to give you a choice. Oh, dear. And this is hard, because really, like, holding this down to two is difficult. Oh, dear.

But, a choice of, like, 17 different insane things. I got a feeling here. But... A choice of like 17 different insane things. I got a feeling here. You know, I don't know. Nuffkins gave us How to Act Like an Asian Girl, which is totally solid, but I'm just saying, thanks for the submission. I don't think this one's going to end up.

So, Portax, which of these things would you like to read? How to Act When You Are Bullied bullied at school still liking a boy. And that is by a terrific username. That was submitted by a terrific name, which is Achilles Heelys. Lady Frenzy and Achilles Heelys in the morning. Inappropriate in the battlefield. Hey, hey, you say that, but that story would have gone much differently.

That's Iliad right there. All right, that article once again, how to act when you are bullied at school still liking a boy. Or would you like to read how to get your cat back from a child? That one was submitted by Hunky Jim Torps. Oh, man. Going way back. Alright. You know what? I'm gonna give

Achilles Heelys their time to shine. Let's see what happens when I get bullied at a school for liking a whatever the hell he just said. Alright. Alright, Achilles Heelys. Here we go. So how to act when you are bullied at school still liking a boy.

Take it. Alright. Look, us girls like a boy in class and we get but we get bullied at the same time we all know this certain boy likes us back, but how can we communicate with this boy without letting the class you like each other? I read that right, yes?

How can we communicate? Fucking yikes, okay. So continue reading this article to get the advice you need. Now that's a terrific lead-in paragraph. Hey, read more of this! Oh, goddammit. Who said Google Translate to young adult fiction?

Number one. Number one. Very easy to do in high school. Keep away from nosy people. Try to keep people... Look out for them like you're on the top of the HMS Pinafore Try to keep away from people who You know likes knowing your every step

To make you laughed at I will try I will try very hard You can do this by keeping quiet most of the times And avoid conversations Yeah boys love it when you Don't ever talk or acknowledge their presence Why are people Bullying me then Yeah, boys love it when you don't ever talk or acknowledge their presence.

Why are people bullying me then? Number two, stand next to him. And the photo! And what's happening in the drawing right above stand next to him? Two very weird looking people sit around a faceless mob of sketch folks. So two people sitting next to each other. Yeah. They're hanging out with the putties from Power Rangers. Yeah. This boy will realize

you like being around him. Oh, okay. Good. Number three, mutter things to yourself where he can see you say these things. Tear the flesh. Burn the flesh. Tear the flesh. Burn the flesh. Tear the flesh.

Burn the flesh. You're never going to match anything. Roosh said that works, so... You're just going to be a stupid idiot. Everyone's ever going to

like you. Burn the heretic. Purge the alien. Jack, we know it worked for you, but... This is for girls. Put on the glasses. Put on the glasses.

He will surely... what you did say and that's how your conversation can start without him rejecting you and what you want to say. Yeah, that's why I am always in conversations at the bus stop near my work. I am just constantly engaging people. Oh, yes, I would like to give you a doll. Oh, really? The government?

Okay. You know, I never did think about how Obama and Interpol went together to make Ben Begazi happen. You guys are good friends. I like you now. Oh, you do have a newsletter. Well, all right. Number four. Oh, you do have a newsletter. Well, alright. Number four. Oh my.

Number four. Try and be the victim of most issues that happen in your class and make sure you cry. Okay. Uh, um. Okay. Nope. Nope. Oh, she's heard about it. It's that dumb bitch who always cries

Yeah that attention monger who makes everything about her Boys love that Yeah It's like an unfuckability contest When people Number five when people pick on you and call you names Keep quiet You know other than the muttering I guess

You know they are not what they say you are. You're not. You know they are not what you say, what they say you are. Yeah, no, exactly. You are not. Okay. No, they are not. Yeah, that's the problem.

That's the issue I'm having. Don't be infected by what people say about you. Parentheses. Close parentheses. Look at them don't be infected by what people say about you parentheses close parentheses look at them like they are so mean and you should just leave me alone wiki how I guess

we should leave you alone yes Linda then wait for him to come and he will just try to tell the bully to give you justice. She has suffered a lot. This will put a smile on your face. Hey, back up, man.

This is fucking gibberish. No, this is exactly how real life works. It's fucking great. It's finally nice to see it down on paper. Hey, man, back up. Crazy Mudder Girl is mine. Number six, located under a picture of a woman with one boob for some reason. It's the omni-boob.

Yeah. Number six, sit around him. Am I right, Mama? Engulf him in your flesh. Begin dissolving him with your digestive juices. Oh, yay, it's Monster Girl Quest again. Oh, no. Well, here's another

500 comments on the episode. As someone who edits WikiHow. It's actually a pretty good game. Watch out, Lucas. That muttering Monster Girl is going to swallow all your semen. I play Monster Girl Quest for the articles, you guys. Anyway...

If you're sitting in front of him, push your chair backwards a bit, look at something behind him and try to give him a smile. He will smile back. He just will! Sure, because you understand... I know he will! He has to stop paying attention! I'm around him know he will. He has to stop paying attention. I'm around him all the time.

He has to notice me. Tips. Try to be around him. And smile at him regularly. Warnings. Avoid the bullies. That's my new iOS game. Don't try and be a part of the boy gang, his friends.

They'll probably tell you to bug off and leave them alone. And try to make it obvious you like someone in the school. Okay, so going back to the title, How to Act When You Were Bullied at School Still Liking a Boy. Mm-hmm. Like, do we think that that's... Is she getting bullied by a boy, but she likes the boy that's bullying her? Is that that's Is she getting bullied by a boy But she likes the boy that's bullying her

Is that Is that what's happening She likes a boy and then she's also being bullied By other people who are not the boy So she likes a boy Completely separate from that She's being bullied Yeah she's hoping to spin this bullying into a pity fuck

So Can I just point something out? Please. This article has passed Wikihow's quality standards. It certainly has. And yet Wikihow doesn't want to help us find a foreign wife from Europe or America. No, it doesn't. It's fucking ridiculous.

It specifically won't help you get a threesome. I read that at one point. I was searching for a threesome and I couldn't find it. And then I found a WikiHow rule that no article is allowed to be written about how to have a threesome. By the way, on this, I got one ad for John Deere tractors and another for John Deere mowers. See you on the business end of this mower.

What do you think John Deere's marketing team is typing into AdWords? I don't know, but also WikiHop thinks the person that would read this article will also know about drawing dragons, DLL files, and snakes. I like all of those things. All right.

How to write DLL files when you were bullied at school but still liking a boy. And snakes. Man, again, so many terrific options. I can't get to them all. Boots, you're going to have to help me choose here. Okay. I'm going to read an article. You tell me which article I should do here.

So the first article is How to Make Fears of Upstairs Better. That was suggested by King Calamari. And the other one is how to compliment a guy. I'm going to go with the fear of upstairs better. All right. How to make fear of upstairs better. Fear of upstairs.

Are we trying to become more afraid of upstairs or less? I'm just trying to make it better. Yeah, just like more dynamic and interesting. I am now way better at being afraid of upstairs. Hey, F+, are you afraid of upstairs? And upstairs is in quotes for some reason.

Are you afraid of so-called upstairs? Does that mean heaven? The man upstairs? Yeah. Where did they get that name from? I'm made of fear of God. Are you worried about what is up there? In this article, you will have the chance to explore the sphere and learn to overcome it.

After all, it's just another floor, right? Wrong. We shall overcome the stairs. So, step one, picture of a blackberry. Take your mobile phone. If you own a mobile phone, it might make you feel a little safer if when you go upstairs, if you take your mobile phone. Oh, no.

It will make you feel safer because if you were to find something really freaky upstairs, you could phone someone for help. While it's killing you? Oh, clashing clans, I hope your courage comes to me. The anger of these birds will motivate me. Step two, picture of a toilet.

Remember that toilet handles come up in North America. Remember that. Remember that. You can remember nothing else in your life that. I will about random nonsense. You can remember nothing else in your life. If you think about random nonsense as you walk up the stairs, you'll just forget all about it. It's like...

Be sure to remember at all times... Okay. Okay. ...that the handle on the toilet, when you have flushed, it does go back up! And it is not a ghost, spirit, or other freaky supernatural. What? What?

What? Better still, go to the toilet with the light on! Why are you already, monster? What? Because then I can't see my own bioluminescence, asshole. Here I am, just shitting in the dark.

Oh, wait, the toilet handle came up on its own. Whoa! What the fuck does this have to do with the stairs? Jenkins, you're going to be knocking over bookshelves. Linda there, you're going to be making ooh sounds. And Carlos, I'm sorry, you're on pushing toilet handle backup duty. Oh, why you always give me the boring jobs? Jeez.

Ugh. This is going to suck. Good job, Carlos. Thank you. The cucaracha. Lean against a wall. If you feel like there is a presence of some supernatural being in the bathroom

when washing your hands, if possible, lean against a solid wall. Not a shallow wall. Not that wall made of peanut butter that we all have. Lean against the windows, then lean against the walls. Wait till the shred drips down your balls. Step six. Skeet, skeet, skeet skeet skeet skeet Oh god damn Okay so a solid wall

Or a radiator Which is a terrific idea Which will stop the uncomfortable feeling And start a new one That there is some sort of supernatural being behind you. Because they can't go through walls? Ghosts can go through walls, can they not? But that never made sense

in Casper cartoons, because he could go through walls, but then sometimes he was solid. He can control it, duh! This is good. Why don't we ever do this way more successful podcast? Pointing out plot inaccuracies in old cartoons.

Welcome to the show for continuity. That podcast we don't already have. Step four. Be brave when you feel as if you can. So long as there is a mirror in front of you, stop leaning against the radiator and stand straight on the bathroom

sink while washing your hands. It's extreme fear. I like that the questions have continuity. What the hell is going on now? Check off radiator. I don't even know what the fuck this article is about anymore. I'm making sounds with my mouth based on the words in front of me. I'm not parsing.

Vampires don't have a reflection, so they can still get you, yes? So stop leaning against the radiator and stand straight on the bathroom sink when washing your hands. If extreme fear, like something supernatural is behind you, lean against the radiator again. And this time when you lean against the radiator,

make sure you notice in an exaggerated way and then jump up with your arms and the legs going out going, Wait. Step five. Picture of a radiator. Persist. Persist with the courage of not leaning against a radiator. The courage? With God as my witness, I will never lean against a radiator again. If all the steps have gone correctly, you should now be twerking against the radiator. I'm really hoping that the only two contributors for this article

are Abbott and Costello. That's my favorite motivational poster. Persist. With the courage of not leaning against the radiator. Five people were responsible for this. There's no ghosts upstairs. Pass it on. Number six, face your fears.

Rather than running downstairs as fast as you can, try to be brave and walk at the normal speed you would walk at anywhere else. Carry a radiator if you need to. Gradually slow it down. Don't just go running at top speed to walking at a slow leisurely pace as if you were going for a bus that is nowhere near the stop because that just wouldn't work and would in the end

just leave you darting off downstairs to your full ability. What? Yeah. We've all been there. I'll stop being bullied by ghosts that you like. While wearing a diaper. Go from

running at top speed to slowing down gradually every day until you reach a jog. At a jog, take your time deciding when you feel safe about it to go down to a normal walk. Yep. So, great.

You know, at this point, I feel like I've been playing a point-and-click adventure, but I've just been following the walkthrough because it makes no sense and then I just realized, wait I'm licking a radiator and I've got a handful of pencils and how did I even what the hell is even going on here? Step 7 Picture of a netbook keyboard

Think It is really upstairs that is scaring you Oh wait, sorry, I'm sorry Is it really upstairs that is scaring you? Oh, wait, sorry. I'm sorry. Is it really upstairs that is scaring you? Or is it something else scaring you? Well, now I'm scared of the ghost. I'm fucking scared of this fucking radiator, man.

Every time I sit on it, it burns me. If so, figure out what and do something about that other thing. What? Okay. thing. What? Okay. Sure.

What? It is a chain letter scaring you, for example. Go to hoax-slayer.com. What? Look under email chain letters and see what the site says about the one you've received. Stop watching horror movies if the stories are infecting your everyday life.

What if the horror movie is about a chain letter? I need scissors 61. And what if movie's about a chain letter? I need scissors, 61! And what if it's about a WikiHow article? That is... I'm scared of that thumb. Yeah, so that's step eight. Hairy person with a thumb. Pat yourself on the back every time you overcome the fear. Congratulations on your fear of upstairs going away.

Lemon, this sounds really dangerous. It sure does. Do you have any warnings? Oh, yeah, yeah. I've only got two warnings, but there are definitely some warnings that you're going to need to heed. Okay, so warning number one, if you run down the stairs too fast, you could fall and get hurt.

Okay, that makes sense. That's a fear of upstairs. Also, and this is just as important, if you drop your mobile phone in the sink or toilet, it is ruined. Yeah, that's true. What? Call back the previous

Wikihow episode. You know, I've been knocking, this whole episode, I've been knocking the ads on the site. But I gotta give them some credit. After listening to all of that, I am thinking to myself, I've been knocking, this whole episode, I've been knocking the ads on the site. Yep. But I gotta give them some credit. Okay. After listening to all of that, I am thinking to myself, I do want to date hot Philippine women online.

Uh, so Jimmy Franks. Yeah. How do I make hilarious comebacks? Oh, I'll tell ya. Making hilarious comebacks can make you a force to be dealt with, and others will think twice before cracking a joke about you or making fun of you. But beware, some people

can get mad when you outwit them. Yet there are many ways to reach this goal. Step one! Fucking Bugs Bunny shit. There can only be one. Get ready to make a lot of bad jokes. If you overcome the common fear of embarrassment or There can only be one. Get ready to make a lot of bad jokes. If you overcome the common fear of embarrassment or failure,

you can become a comeback master. In the beginning, you'll probably make plenty of bad comebacks because the most important thing to do is always make a comeback, no matter how lame. Yeah. This is to train your mind to react quickly. Step two. What if we never got past step one Once you've overcome fear of making a bad comeback

You can begin the real training The perfect comeback The perfect comeback is made up of four elements It must be somewhat true Even if exaggerated It must be clever It must be funny You have to use the right tone when you say it

Alright You think I am weird Well your third arm is weird funny. You have to use the right tone when you say it. Oh, alright, alright, alright, alright. You think I am weird? Well, your third arm is weird. No! Boo! When you, uh, when you've made a comeback, you should be making fun of someone's flaws, but

only their innocent or small ones. Because those are the ones they care about the most. You don't make a joke about someone being mentally challenged. What? Take it from my experience. But you do... Shut the fuck up, you have cerebral palsy!

But you do about being slow when they normally say something smart. You can make a joke about someone being too tall or short, fat, might be touchy, or skinny. Fat, might be touchy. Or skinny. Maybe, who's to say? Unless you know the person well, it's best to stick to superficial flaws.

Why would you say such a thing? Yeah, but superficial flaws that they're not sensitive about. I'm so touchy. Otherwise, you come off like a mean person and not funny. In short, you should be teasing the person. About how fat they are? Gotcha. Like strip-teasing them. About how fat they are? Gotcha. Like strip teasing them?

About how fat they are. Oh, yeah? Well. The perfect comeback should be clever, original, and have the element of truthfulness to it. In other words, don't make a comeback with a your mom joke or you're so fat. Take this quote by Mark Twain or was it Will Rogers? Am I supposed to quote Mark Twain as a comeback? We have the best Congress money can buy.

Right, that's appropriate. That's appropriate. You can use it, of course, not with Congress if the situation calls for it. They call it turning a phrase. It's clever. We have the best damn money can buy. Good one. You've read this article.

Damn it, I didn't come back fast enough. Step five five the perfect comeback must be told in the right tone to do that you must have the right attitude about it you have to have a mixture of playfulness and seriousness but if you're too serious you will just sound like a jerk also be energetic hang on let me turn my cap backwards hey you're gnarly not oh yeah well you look like a pineapple someone stuffed into some lateros and left in the sun and then and then yeah.

Mumble mumble mumble. Step six! You need to befriend someone better at it than you are. I think that's a comeback in itself. Tag! You need an insult sensei? When someone makes fun of you and it's a good one, you might lose your cool and your ability to think

of a comeback. When this happens, you gotta keep pushing through, but don't let it get to you. You might never become better than that person, but you will get really good and learn some nice comebacks. I know you are, said the guru, and then the guru said, but what am I? And the monk was enlightened.

Master. Hey, are there any warnings? Yeah, listen. You should probably know that if you make really bad comebacks long enough, people will make fun of your comebacks. You might be seen as the guy who makes really bad comebacks. It's not a pretty thing. Trust me. I know.

Also, being an idiot can get you in a fight. Yeah. I think this may be appending that last warning. Don't make fun of drunk people as it's too easy, and they are more likely to get angry or take it the wrong way. Okay. So being an idiot, what now? I got my ass beat at a bar last night for making a bad comeback.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. That's because you're the best Congress money can buy. Oh, shit. Hey, guys, guys, shut up. Shut up. I got a problem. I got a problem. Oh, shit. Hey, guys, guys, shut up. Shut up. I got a problem. I got a problem.

What? Oh, God. God. What? God. A child took my cat. A child took your cat? I need to get my cat back from a child.

Well, shit. Vortex didn't read that article. I know, but I don't know how. Well, okay. So why don't you, I mean, I guess why don't you read this and find out how to get your cat back from a child. Okay, okay, I gotta go through this article, and all of us will figure out how to get my cat back from a child. Great, cool. Alright.

Was your cat found by a child? Here's how to get it back. One, make sure it is your cat. You don't want to go up to a child and get the wrong one. That would suck. Punch. Steal. Hey, hey, hey, stop throwing firecrackers at my cat.

Wait, that's not my cat. Fuck, whatever. Goodbye. Close enough. Two, talk to his or her parents. Maybe they thought that the cat didn't have an owner, or maybe they thought they could get it for you. If they're extra nice, they might give you a gift to say sorry.

So, yeah. What? Hopefully a child will give you a gift. Number three, if the parents are part of it, go to the child. Part of it? Or, maybe you see that child at school. Part of the cat stealing conspiracy. Say to the child...

Yeah, just approach the child wearing a trench coat at school. And ask to see his pussy and see what happens. Have you seen a cat? Have you seen a cat? Have you seen a cat? Just running now. Have you seen a cat? Have you seen a cat? Have you seen a cat? Just running now.

Have you seen a cat? Say to the child how sad you feel. The child might confess of guiltiness. Might, yeah, the child might. If that were a word, sure. Confess of guiltiness. Alright, four. If it does not work, try some tricks.

Like balloon animals? Yeah, unicycling? For example... I can do that thing where I hold on to one ankle and then I jump over my own leg. Will that get my cat back? What? Maybe. That might be in the example here.

For example, get a voice recorder and put it near the child without letting the child know. Oh, dear. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Then say you will give the person who has it a lot of money, and the person might confess. Later, if the child gives you the cat, and his or her

parents assumes you stole it and had the police involved, show the police the voice recorder. Yep, absolutely do that. And the child might say that he or she is responsible for stealing the voice recorder. Yep, absolutely do that. And the child might say that he or she is responsible for stealing the voice recorder. Oh my god. Wait, so this is about stealing the voice recorder now?

Sorry, for stealing in the voice recorder. Oh, okay. In the alternate universe in which that voice recorder exists. Hopefully the police will arrest the child and you'll get your cat back. Okay. I mean, there's so many problems with that plan,

but not the least of which is that the child will go like, hello, cat. Hey, I stole you. You actually belong to somebody else. I wrote a song about it. You're somebody else's cat!

I stole you! And the most important stat number five. If possible, ask the child how he or she got the cat. Make sure not to believe everything the child says. Okay. Boots!

Hey, kid, where'd you get that cat? Vaccines cause autism! This is a tricky one. Boots, I am a targeted individual. TI, we call it in the community. Oh, God. Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm a targeted individual. I'm being gang-stalked by strangers because that's just a real thing that happens in reality. It is, yeah. Can you help me out with that? Yeah. Gang-stalked by strangers because that's just a real thing that happens in reality. It is. Can you help me out with that? Yeah. Gang-stalker stole my cat. How to accept social isolation for targeted individuals. Great.

Okay, cool. Rejection of any kind is difficult, but can be even harder to accept if you're a targeted individual, T.I., and we're forced into social isolation. Hey! The more we find ways to handle... Alias Rubber Band Man. The more we find ways to handle the isolation, the stronger we will become. We'll be like a gang!

This article will help you better handle social rejection as a T.I. Step one. I told everyone I was being gang-stalked and people were peeing on my toilet seat and people walk away from me, damn gang-stalkers. God damn it. So the first step is to acknowledge your current situation, but know that it is not the end of the world.

But what if it's the end of the world? Well, then you should get a sandwich board and start shouting about it. Right. Step number two is to recognize that you are not alone. Yes, I know that's the problem. Okay, well, step number three is to research and learn

all you can about being a targeted individual. Please use the internet for this. Information is power. Gee, I know. Nope. Four, acknowledge the pain you feel associated with being targeted, rejected, and lonely.

And what is the picture for that? For that step? That's listen to an iPod. Oh, okay. Step four, plug headphones into an old Nokia cell phone. Number five, express gratitude for people and the things you

still have in your life, i.e. friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, pets, etc. But, okay, but you're a TI, and you're socially isolated. Yes. So I gather all of my great many number of friends. And I say, man, it sure does suck to be socially isolated.

I'm glad I have you to experience this with. Internet friends. Isolated. I'm glad I have you to experience this with. Internet friends. Yeah, every person is just one call away from being the end of It's a Wonderful Life. Come on. Here's the most likely item. Number six.

Find online TI support. Oh, I can't imagine there's any of that on the internet. There are online support groups and daily conference calls for TIs. Wait, but the government's monitoring them. Plug a headset into that iPod. Yeah, plug a headset into that iPod while you're on your Chromebook.

And eat a chocolate bar, I guess? Tara Snover, did you draw this? I love chocolate and computers. Number seven, do not allow yourself to become depressed. I love chocolate and computers. Number seven, do not allow yourself to become depressed. At any time, yeah. Do this by frying mushrooms. Hey, do you think your targeted individual will just be a well-adjusted person? Done and done.

Hey, do you have clinical chemical depression? Then just ride a bike. Problem solved. Eight. Human beings need human interaction. Oh. I only have reptoid-alien interaction, though. What do I do?

That's a step. Yeah. Continue to try to interact with other people, even if it's not a long-term interaction. Nice weather we're having, huh? How long is this going to go? Number nine. You may want to communicate via social media. I may, yeah.

I very well may. I may do it a lot. Join your local gym. Take a class at a local community college. I'm not sure how that's social media. How do you? That's social activity. Join a writing club or a book club.

Ask people on Twitter if the chemtrails make your Morgellons disease act up more in the morning or in the evening. Number ten, look for volunteer opportunities. Your local children's hospital, senior facility, or soup kitchens are usually a good place to volunteer. I don't know if the drawing is supposed to look like a cult meeting, but it certainly does. Well, at least then... Yeah, tell all the homeless people that, well, you see, I get to have a house, but the government is stalking me, and I'm just fucking crazy,

and people are peeing on my toilet seat. The person reading this article is not on the side of the soup line that the article thinks they are. They're on the receiving end. I'm giving you soup. Don't give it back to me. Oh, but the government put tracking devices in the soup.

You have to take it back. Hey, Boots. I'm sure you have a lot of warnings for targeted individuals. I got one more point, though. One more step. Be the real you. Okay. What?

That's a little bit of... Maybe you shouldn't. But anyway, so I'm sure you have lots of warnings about how to accept social isolation. Boy, do I. And, you know, I don't know if we'll have time for all of them, but let's say, hypothetically, if you were to pick a number three warning...

Oh, the one I most wanted to read and was really hoping you'd say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So, just a warning. Keep this in mind. Know this at all times, that your perpetrators are very persistent, big liars, degrading half-criminals who love acting.

They want to isolate you, so be in trusted company as much as you can. Talking eases the pain. Try to avoid speaking the issue loudly to authorities or doctors. They have connections everywhere and will brand you a schizophrenic. What assholes. These enemies of mine, these gang stalkers.

Yeah, they do not use conventional equipment or mundane technology. They are more advanced than the world we currently know. Thought form amplifiers, ultrasound, invisible lasers, ultra-low frequencies. Most are military-grade technology. Oh my god!

So they're time travelers! The gangstuckers are terminators! I really feel like the whole article, really, and the tips were just smokescreened for this warnings part. It's like, all right, is everybody else gone? All right, we know about the lasers, right? You know that, right? There were 26 co-authors for this. This is the only one who actually has any ratings This article is also available In Spanish

Italian, Polish, or Portuguese 26 co-contributors That sounds like it might be a false flag Alright The article that we need to Close on here Is an article that's Boots, is an article that you need to hear. This is an article that you need to hear.

And I feel like it's an article we all need to read anyway. Is this an intervention? Yeah. This article is entitled, How to Control a WikiHow Addiction. Oh, I don't want to control that. Oh, no. Now, I want us all to go around the room. We all do need this, actually.

And we're all going to help Boots control his wikiHow addiction. So, me, John, Portax, Jimmy Franks, Jack Jack. All right? Holy shit, the picture for how to quit chewing tobacco. Alright, so Boots, so step one, ask yourself why you spend so much time

on Wikihow. Why do I spend so much time on Wikihow? Are you feeling lonely, undervalued, lost, or depressed? If you are feeling sadness, depression, or you have lost your way, Wikihow is not going to solve these things for you. But there probably is

because there's almost not all that shit. Perhaps you have an obsessive need to stay on the terminal. Huh? And participate in Wikihow. At the airport? While instant gratification through seeing changes in print

is a great feeling, this is a website. Stupid. Just with any addictive behavior, if you have such feelings, it is important to seek some friendly or professional assistance and work through the feelings.

On the other hand, if you are just plain lazy, it's time to go and book a gym session or walk the dogs. Yeah. Got me. Okay, but I don't... I want to help. I want to give you a

suggestion, okay? Okay, Boots? If you have found that you do have an addiction, copy the text of this article into a text editor and close the browser quickly. Just enabling the board. By doing this, you can still read the article, but you won't be tempted to follow links.

It's like methadone. But I won't get the pictures. That is true. That's a sacrifice you'll have to make. Okay, I pasted it into a text editor There's a bunch of JPGs You're missing out dot JPG

Vortex Okay so boots Alright this is me putting my hand On your shoulder Which I didn't have to say because we're totally in the same room together That's very comforting Why is your hand so sweaty understand that the wiki how

isn't going away alright you're not the only guy holding up this website it is a long term project you can leave it and return a week month or even a year later and it will still be here.

That's right, listeners. God fucking willing. Okay, honey, honey, I know you're addicted to meth, but just consider this. Meth's not going away. We don't plan on fixing any of our societal problems. But what if the Courtesy P article finally gets taken down? How do I live? Take your own.

How do I live without courtesy P.A.? Yeah, okay, Boots, just so you know, this is a safe place, and we just want you to respect your editing craft and edit what is worth editing, all right? Don't turn it into a crusade to fix everything that's here. Remember that you cannot fix Wikihow's myriad of edits in need of mending by sitting at the computer all day, every day, trying to accomplish this task. And I say this because I care about you. You could try.

I feel like we're getting farther and farther away from getting off of WikiHow. So, Boots, you need to realize that WikiHow is not an infinite source of knowledge. Oh, hey, wait, I'm clicking that. Fuck you, how dare you? No, wait, because that's a link, so I'm clicking that. So now I'm reading how to know when not to volunteer. Volunteering is an important and essential contribution. Oh, God.

Oh, this is the best. It's another Wikio article. I'm so excited. How to help others. You've enabled him. Keep life running smoothly. But it's possible that... Look at this how to not volunteer article.

It's amazing. It's too addictive. Everybody's getting hooked There's a picture that has a building And it says your apartment or home And then it's volunteer office And there's an evil cloud of black smoke For evil eyeballs

There's a girl putting a dollar in a box And it says donation for the sick There's nothing on putting a dollar in a box that says, Donation for the sick. There's nothing on that green piece of paper, so she's fucking tricking them. By the way, I just want to say, for those of you listeners who have not been following TF Plus on Twitter, you have been missing out on a lot of great, great images. I'm sorry, so you were saying how Booge should not go to Wikihow. Right.

Well, it's not an infinite source of knowledge. Many things can only be learned by doing them. You can read on the site how to do them, but the proof is in the pudding. Go and try what you read. Try what I read? Yeah, go try what you read on Wikihow. Go try doing the courtesy pee.

Try making ramen sandwich. I'm doing that as we speak. Tell me how that works out for you. It's time to stop being a courtesy pee reader. That is true, though. If you went and actually tried stuff you read on WikiHow, you probably would be like, okay, I need to not look at this website. Uh-huh.

Go ahead. Go and try to act when you are Look at this website. Go ahead. Go and try to act when you are bullied at school still liking a boy. Oh, I'm sorry. This is me. So, um, let's know that you have a life outside of Wikigal.

And you must live that too. Your family and friends would like to spend some time with you, not with you and your computer. Is there an article on how to do that? Yep, there sure is. Okay, good. Let's see, go outside.

How many results will there be? Oh, Jesus. I love this intervention where we're telling the person to get off heroin while we're passing the needle. You've got a problem, asshole. Hang on, let me heat up the spoon. All right, you've got a problem. Go outside about 36,400 results.

Yeah, sure. I'm sorry, I'm getting it myself. John Toast? Oh, yes. I totally forgot where we are. Seven. Seven, all right. Okay, Boots, I totally forgot where we are. Seven. Seven. All right.

Okay, Boots, I want you to try this. Do the cup of tea or coffee test. Of course. Make a cup of tea or coffee. Can you be on WikiHow at the same time and still drink while it is warm? Or do you often turn to a cold cup? Who has this problem? If you do, this may indicate that you are taking it too intensely

and that you are neglecting to put the site into perspective. Oh, I'm learning so much, and I'm also not awake. All right, Boots. Boots, the law of thermodynamics wants you to stop. Boots, putting my other hand on your other shoulder. Okay. That's still not a shoulder. That was really sweaty, too. And That's still not a shoulder. That was really sweaty too.

And that's still not your hand. Limit your access time. Only come and visit at selected times. Make sure you use an iPhone 3DS to do that. Yes. As indicated by the photo. Determine these by looking at your

diary and seeing when you have time free. In your diary? It's like the friggin' shining, just every page is wikiHow, wikiHow, wikiHow. Swap out wikiHow for LiveJournal and you'll be fine. Circle those

times, highlight them, and stick to them. Set a timer so that you do not stay longer than you intended. Have a family member knock on the door and tell you the time's up. Time to go back to DeviantArt! You see, I read the WikiHow article that was how to spend countless hours turning your diary into a day timer by drawing in days. So that's why I'm doing this.

Steps 1 through 5. This is a good idea. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I was looking at... I was like five articles deep in Wikihouse. Sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, that sounds awesome.

Boots, boots, boots. Listen, were you finding out how to get rid of a hangover or were you finding out how to do a concentration curl? Oh, that sounds awesome. Boots, Boots, Boots. Listen, were you finding out how to get rid of a hangover, or were you finding out how to do a concentration curl? Oh, my God. Boots, Boots. I've got to read those articles. Where were you finding out how to be good-looking? Boots, seek professional attention.

Visit a certified psychologist if things get out of control. Even being very honest with a family member or friend. Wait, that's a link. I can click that. Hold on. How to be respectful of your family. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm getting off point.

Out of color popcorn. What is with the article? That just hit me. What is with the article about how to not be a winky cow? I have all these links to winky cow articles. Even being very honest with a family member or a friend can gain you much needed support to wean yourself off of an internet addiction. How to be a punk 12 year old girl.

People are more inclined to be helpful if they know what you're going through. Be strong, brother. Saboots, can you bring your outside knowledge into Wiki and make WikiHow even better? How is this article? what is this article about? Well, so you can improve wikiHow We're almost there! by adding content, right? That's the best way to get off wikiHow

is to spend more time on wikiHow. This article needs to be edited again. I see a problem with this article. I know what to do. Well, Jimmy's lost forever. How to Stop Smoking, sponsored by the Marlboro Company. Sponsored by the smooth-flavored Marlboro Company. Yeah. Sponsored by the smooth flavor of Marlboro cigarettes.

And finally, block wikiHow on your computer. Blocking wikiHow should make this addiction go away. Oh, yeah, sure. And then you won't be able to read articles about how to raise quail, how to cite journal articles.

Don't link to an article on how to do that, fucker. How to have psychic protection in five steps. Also, you won't be able to read How to Learn Faster. Oh, there's some warnings, though. Uh-oh, what warnings are there? Okay, Boots, I'm going to warn you. If you spend endless time on a website and begin to

overtly identify with the site, you may lose your sense of perception and take things too personally. If this is how you feel, you need to stop spending so much time on a website and begin to overtly identify with the site, you may lose your sense of perception and take things too personally. If this is how you feel, you need to stop spending so much time on the site. You may release two hour long episodes. Eh, you know. And also, if someone bites back at you on the wikiHow

and you take personal offense, try not to respond with a gush of emotion. Stand back, take a deep breath, and reread the situation. You do not have to respond. a gush of emotion. Stand back, take a deep breath, and re-read the situation. You do not have to respond. You can close the computer and go for a walk, ask someone to intervene for you. Oh wait, intervene goes to how to

intervene in an arbitrary heated discussion. We have to look this up now. And by the way, if you do that step, you won't be able to read how to pick up girls without them thinking you're stupid. How to detect Up Girls Without Them Thinking You're Stupid. How to Detect Arrogant People. Step in and separate the arguing parties. How to Do a Concentration Curl.

Woo, arguing party, woo! Okay, also, this is, you know, I mean, obviously, you know, some disconnected power cord, adopted a new hobby, developed outside interests. Boots, you're not getting better. But I want to commend you for finding how to hire a nanny who won't hit on your spouse. How to hire a nanny who won't get you hit on your spouse. That's how to hire a nanny who won't hit on your spouse.

The image, the article image looks like a Kindle e-porn cover. Sure does. And then the image under it is a woman pledging allegiance to WikiHow, because she's got a WikiHow shirt on. Holy fucking, all of the pictures have somebody with a WikiHow t-shirt.

Except for the one that's a doorknob. Alright, well, obviously we're going to be leaving this site forever. Son. So before we do that, we're going to have to recap a couple more articles that we did not have time to read. Yay. How to go through a blood brother ritual, Southwest United States style. Oh yeah.

How to stop reading stupid articles about unnecessary things. Yeah! How to play a role-playing game by yourself. Oh, I know that all too well. How to bless a house. Bless this house. How to make doo-wop

clothes. That's topical and relevant. Yes. How to mind your own business. Linda. How to perform CPR on a dog. How to become a stripper. How to prepare for on a dog. How to become a stripper. How to prepare for a spy mission.

I like to think those last three are part of the same thing. Wouldn't someone? And this one too. How to check into rehab. Again, part of the same. How to discipline your bipolar child. How to buy a ruby. How to be intimidating.

How to live Anne Frank's. How to be intimidating. How to live Anne Frank's lifestyle. It's the same article. It's the same article, really. By the way, I read that one. That entire article is infuriating. You don't say. How to survive a living hell.

How to play the triangle. That makes this living hell so much better! Life truly is suffering. How to develop telekinesis. How to make your own holy water. How to determine if someone is a

sociopath. They make their own holy water. How to text message with your eyes closed. I'm sorry, no. How to turn down with your eyes closed. I'm sorry, no. How to turn down a text message sex offer. That sounds kind of awkward. They should make another term for that. Is there an emoji for that?

Alright. How to train for ripping a phone book in half. Live to win. How to be a dominatrix. How to become a successful professional. Leverage synergy. Pee in front of other people, women and girls.

How to pee yourself as a woman. How to have a Scientology wedding. Oh dear. That's gross. I like to think this is a consequence. How to forgive yourself Scientology wedding. Oh, dear. That's gross. I like to think this is a consequence. How to forgive yourself after hurting someone. And then? How to cope with being alone on a bus ride.

Hey, there you go. How to rest intentionally. Sure. Yeah, because I just kind of walk around to my day until I just involuntarily pass out. That's just how I live my life. I am a fainting goat.

Well, Lemon, I know this great site you can go to to learn how to stop doing that. How to ruin a wedding. This is the Scientology one? The little one's already ruined. Fair enough. How to make a pantyhose sculpture. What?

How to begin to shop, size, and purchase your first thong. Now note that that one isn't how to buy your first thong. It's how to begin. I just don't know where to begin. Just prep yourself. Just psych yourself up for it. A series of five articles. How to make a sweat bath in the wilderness.

What? Moving on. How to? How to? What is it? How to treat mice with penile prolapse. That one totally has drawings, by the way. Oh, good.

Oh, good. How to act like a baby again. It's totally natural. My wife is mad at my diapers. It's necessary. Doctor's orders. How to escape a minefield. How to make a tomato glow in the dark. What? How to get the best out of the major global religions.

Here's a hint. All right. What can Christians do for me? All right. How to... Oh, here's a consequence. How to disown your parents and siblings. Here's a hint.

It involves a mice with a penile perlite. Oh, dear. And a Scientology wedding. How to know if a woman is a cougar. Is she an old slut? How to determine if you are a toddler. And finally, how to relearn

listening to your spouse. Jack? Step one, meet her in divorce court. Step two, wear a diaper. All right, so we got some real shit coming down. You all ready? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Number one, how to pwn in Halo for noobs. Oh, shit!

If you're a noob, you can't pwn. Doritos Mountain Dew, double XP weekend. How to make your period equal. How to make your period equal... Period? Period. What are you going to help me make? What are you going to help me make? I need to help you make your period

eco-friendly. More importantly, Portak Here's how to prevent camel toe But camels need their toes to walk around Oh Yeah, it's different By the way, we were reading this one earlier Before the recording started

And there's a whole lot of products that you can buy To cover up your camel toe How to protect your home and garden from elephants. Sure. How to recognize gender fascism. How to act like a tortured artist. Be a cunt. How to care.

Oh, God. How to find love, peace, and happiness. Eight steps. Buddha, thank you. How to control chakra. It's thank you. How to control chakra. That's totally Buddha. How to find a ghost. How to pretend there is a ghost

around. You can't find one. I'll make my own. I'll roll my own ghost. Here's a hint. It involves an eco-friendly period. How to discreetly urinate outside if you're a woman wearing trousers or shorts. Damn it, stop it.

Hey, that P sounds pretty crazy. By the way, I just want to mention, I did not put every be a woman and pee outside article in this list of titles. I was tempted to. There are more. Should have given them all to one person.

How to stop your addiction to stealing. How to act like an Asian girl. How to have morals about sex yet still date. Linda. Linda. How to explain menstruation to boys. Okay, first off, it's not a pronounced period. How to explain menstruation to boys.

Okay, first off, it's not a pronounced period. That's where you're wrong, good sir. How to be like a New Yorker. How to manipulate people. How to enjoy Metallica. I have the hardest problem with that. Step one, give me few. Step two, give me five.

Step three, give me... Step four. Step four. So how do we... So how do we enjoy Metallica? Yeah. Step, uh, the next one is how to tell if you're a metal poser. Step one, do you enjoy Metallica? No, I listen to Megadeth, thanks.

Alright. Take a mortal man. Oh, goddammit. Alright Take a mortal man Oh god damn it How What I made this list for you Yeah you made I tailored this list right for you Here you go there's a bunch of them in a row I'm gonna straight cold cock you in the dick

How to cold cock lemon in the dick No one's gonna get dick cocked. With pictures. Damn it, now I have to throw that. How to tell the differences between the different styles and options of adult blanket sleepers. How to purchase an adult blanket sleeper online.

How to donate a lightly used adult blanket sleeper. Shoot me. How to survive an adult blanket sleeper-themed slumber party. How to survive it? How to survive it, Motherfucker. It's like the Hunger Games. The sleeper games. How to wear an adult blanket sleeper during the daytime.

Yay! How to wear an adult blanket sleeper in the evening hour. I feel like you have a trend here. When an adult blanket sleeper's on a bagel, you can have adult blanket sleeper all the time. Fucking hell. Alright, how to be courageous when forced to wear an adult blanket sleeper as an adult wearer.

God damn it. She's got the look! It's that girl. How to dominate at Thumb Wars. How to dominate a thumb wars. How to choose a video game. How to take a shower when you know there's a lizard in the bathroom. Is it Gex the Gecko?

No. That actually happened to me once. How to get over eavesdropped phone sex that you had without knowing it was eavesdropped. What? I like that there's a backstory here. You've already been eavesdropped.

By the lizard in the bathroom. Big lizard in my shower. How to become a full-fledged curmudgeon. How to recognize the policy of death-ged curmudgeon. How to recognize the policy of death-centered Western Christian models.

A non-Pelagianist perspective. A non-Pelagianist perspective. What theology major at Liberty University wrote that article? The Pelagianists

didn't believe in period divers. No, they didn't. It's Pelagian. It's got a red squiggle under it. I assumed it wasn't a word. That red squiggle

is from Satan. How to tell a knock-knock joke. How to fly an airplane. How to date a popular guy who plays the trumpet. How to date a unicorn. Why not? Now, if he plays the flugelhorn,

that's a different article. How to date the guy who goes around on a unicycle who's not pretentious. How to model for Playboy. And how to stop falling in love. But I can't. Someone you shouldn't have. Can't help it.

How to email Ted Nugent. So carve your email on an elk. I don't know why, but that's my favorite article title. You use the Wango email, Tango. Ted at Wango dot Tango. How to count to 99 on your fingers. You're a monster. How to get over a stupid jerk face.

How to convince yourself that you're happy being alone. Write a garbage song about it. How to make friends with your Build-A-Bear. There's a continuity there. No. No, no, no. Cream, cream. Oh, yes, cream.

How to make everyone want to be your best friend. How to make someone else's best friend your best friend. Oh, give me all the friends I need. How to scratch your boyfriend's beard. Ooh. Linda. Hey, Linda. You're always doing it wrong, you bitch!

How to escape from killer bees. Are these Wu-Tang killer bees, or the regular kind? No, it's the wrestler from the 80s. I was thinking it was the firework. How to rock both braces and glasses. I was texting and I know it. How to disguise a 13-year-old guy as a girl.

Oh dear. Oh dear. How to cross-dressing to look and be feminine. He's good to make a cross-dressing. How to treat a woman. How to attract a Virgo female. How to buy car seat covers. It's the same article, really.

How to buy a camel. What, a cigarette? How to fake eating something. What? How to play eating something. What? How to play bacon drinking games. Are you drinking bacon? How to be dabbled in a bottle of alcohol.

Finally, something I can understand. How to eat candy. How to get off the idea of wanting to try drugs. And just fucking do them? How to make your room look of wanting to try drugs. And just fucking do them? How to make your room look like a Hollister store. Hey, any dickheads want to hang out in my room? And how to interview for a job when you have a hangover. Ooh.

And my list. How to make Jack and Sprite. I don't want to drink that. Yeah, just Jack and Sprite. How to make Baylor's Irish Cream. We already know that. Yeah. How to make quick and tasty moonshine whiskey. How to chug vodka.

How to function in life as an alcoholic. What's the next step? How to stop dry heaving. How to ask a boss for a one night stand. I feel like that should have gone before the dry heaving, actually. We've got another theme episode. How to see if he's the one. How to know that he is not the one.

One, check for diapers. How to resist the urge to badmouth an ex-employer on social networking sites. Tidy dick. Uh... Tidy dick. Uh... How to be a semi-tomboy. Semi. No, it's a semi-truck.

Oh, a semi-tomboy. Okay. Yeah. Optimus Tomboy. I'm Peterbilt. I wanted to be a hemitomboy. How to make an egg explode in the microwave. How to make elephant egg explode in the microwave. How to make

elephant toothpaste. What? And we previously had how to act like an Asian girl, but this is how to act like a Japanese girl. Three ways to build a pyramid for school. If that's confusing, don't worry about it, because we're going to resolve that.

And how to make chocolate poop in a bowl. Chocolate? I know everyone's watching, but we need a sample, or else we can't get your lab results. The first step is to read the How to Chug Baja article. This poor brown labrador has been through so much abuse. Do a chocolate. Do a chocolate. Do a chocolate. I don't make chocolate poop

in a bowl. Wait, does that mean make chocolate poop, or is it make chocolate and make it poop into a bowl? Here we go. Step one. This is not helping. That's some chocolate that's described poop into a bowl. You know what? Fuck these other articles. Here we go. Step one. Whoa. Oh, man.

This is not helping. Mouths of chocolate as described in the popcorn method. Step two. Mix in about three handfuls of oats so that the mixture

is stiff and dark brown. Step three. Mold into poop logs. Yay. Step four. Arrange in a bowl until they look like they've been pooped out.

Method three of four is called the bloody poop method. Oh, my God. Yay! There are no pictures for this article. That's a shame. So, what did we learn from this? How to make chocolate poop in a bowl, apparently. Yeah.

I mean, do you want an itemized list of what I learned from this? I learned that we're real shit at interventions. There's a thing we touched on a little bit last week, but what I love about WikiHow is just how incredibly

married they are to that it's exclusively only the how question. It is never the what or the why or the when. The assume is always that assumption. It's like, this is the thing you want to do. This is how

you do it. We don't care why you want to do it. Just fucking do it! Yeah. What really gets me so much about the site is that, okay, as we know, wikis do not lead to super intelligent things. But at least in, like, even, like, the, what is it, like, the we're going to pretend we're famous from video games wiki and all that stuff. Sure. It at least made, like, a very baseline sort of sense.

But in so many of these articles, by the end, I was just like, I literally have no idea what they're talking about anymore. And I look up, and it's like five people were involved in this. How does that happen? Even on this site, how does that happen? Well, it does, in one weird way, does give me some faith in humanity, because all of these people just want to help. They don't know how. Yeah. I don't think that's true.

I think there's got to be a lot of people on here who just fuck articles up because they're like assholes. I don't think that's as common as you think. I don't know. I'm sure that happens. I'm totally sure that happens. We've definitely seen ones that

felt a little vandalized. But I think that a lot of people have a combination of agenda and stupidity and are just getting their stuff out there. And then there's a lot of other

people that are appreciative, such as us. Well, thanks Lemon. I was really hoping to go to bed tonight with constant gnawing existential dread over WikiHow. Well, you know what I was really hoping to go to bed tonight with constant gnawing existential dread over wikiHow. Well, you know what's on my mind now is I wonder if the people at ClickHole know about this site.

I feel like if any of them look at this site, they'll just be like, well, we might as well just stop what we're doing. I don't know. They already went, let's try to be more inane than BuzzFeed. The website is always thefpl.us. Our forum is Ball Pits and some other shit.

I don't know. Blah, blah, blah. Wrongest words. Flatter. If you want to learn how to hypnotize a chicken, go to Ball Pits. And I think all of those websites with the wrongest words, the F Plus site, the Ball Pit site, these are all going to be better because I am on wikihow.com forward slash learn hyphen HTML. So soon as I finish up this article, I think everything's going to look a lot better.

All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. I love you those children are the most frightening things. Yeah, like the girl's head. Why is that girl such a slut? The nanny is giving her bad ideas.

Like her purse is smaller than her eyes. I find this unusual.