The F Plus - 179: Use Only Food Grade Ingredients

Episode Date: June 27, 2015

Okay, I think it's high time for another food episode! This time around, A Meat and Montrith have provided us with a splendid menu of undercooked and shouldn't-be-cooked dishes, from appetizers all the way to desserts (with a special stop for Jello salads). What we might be lacking in mayonnaise we're more than making up for in Cool Whip and a miscegenation of pre-shredded cheeses. This week, The F Plus does market research into the cultural appeal of ghost poop.

I was a... Hospital food. Want some hospital food. Steal yourselves, because this is the F Plus Podcast. A terrible place for terrible things. Eaten over objections. In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. If the gelatin is properly chilled, it will resist the Twinkies.

Stog! Cat Poop Cookies 2, the sequel to Cat Poop Cookies 1. Nushel Gulag! Congealed Chicken Salad, a wonderful salad for holiday parties. Serve with plenty of crackers. And lemon. Start with Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and add your favorite beer, such as Coors Light. Oh, that's a good beer.

That's my favorite beer now. Good. That's the one with the can that tells you how cold it is. And that's pretty much the ingredients. Delicious hospital food. Which one of y'all in this room is drunk enough to be hungry? Me. Yeah. Me.

I'm drunk all the times. I'm hungry. I'm also high. Hungry all the time. Hungry all the time. All right. Me? I'm hungry anyway. I'm drunk all the times. I'm hungry all the time. Alright, well, the episode that I have for you is brought to you by an F plus power

couple talking about Montreth and A meat. Oh boy! Yeah, no wait, it gets better because they have teamed up to bring us an all recipes episode. So, holy shit, could this not fail? I've barely read this document.

We're going to kill Nutshell today. I have weapons in my arsenal. Yeah, so again, a document put together by Montreth and Ameet. We're going to take a walking tour of both food.com, which is a website from Food Network owns that, and All Recipes, a place for all recipes, parentheses,

but mostly bad ones. So, obviously, we should put our menu together right, and we should start our menu off with an appetizer. A nice little palate starter. Something to just with an appetizer, you know, a nice little palate starter, you know, something to just kind of, like, awaken the palate, get you interested in some food.

And a Mews Boosh. Yeah, a Mews Boosh. And by that, I mean, of course, fudge. That's an interesting starter, but okay. Yeah, so Boots, give us this fudge recipe for our appetizer. Yeah, I'm ape boy. Okay, ape boy. And what do you have to say about this recipe?

My mom used to feed this to me as a baby, strangely enough. This is jalapeno fudge. It looks like a dish sponge with jalapeno on it. Okay. Alright, how do I make jalapeno fudge? Okay. Well, first of all, you're going to need six eggs.

Then you're going to need one and a quarter pounds of shredded cheddar cheese. And also you're going to need a can of canned diced jalapeno peppers. This is not fudge. This is as if a frittata had an abortion. So those are the ingredients for this fudge. Oh my god, what? Okay. So you're going to preheat your oven to 400 degrees, butter a 9 by 12 inch baking dish,

beat the eggs together, stir the cheese and the peppers, pour it into the baking dish, and then bake it. And then you got fudge! Fudge! God damn you. Is the definition of fudge just, like, more, you know, open to interpretation than I think it is? I guess it's anything flat that you can cut into squares

and cram in your fucking maw. You'll have to ask my mother, ape woman. You know the stuff that comes out of volcanoes? I call that fudge. Stog, Loves to Host has a comment about this, has a review of this fudge. Yes, my name is Loves to Host. I give this

three stars, and this was posted on Sep 15, 2013. I don't know what this is. Is it meant to be served completely cooled like a candy? Or is it just called fudge because of the thin fudge-like appearance when cut in squares? Disagree, that's a fudge-like appearance, but fine. I assume... I suffer from a brain injury where everything squared to me is fudge.

What are you building that floor for out of fudge? That's not fudge, Grandpa. That's a battery. Oh, yeah. I got to replace the thing in my radio with the new fudge. All right. All right. All right.

Give me the rest of this recipe. I assume it's an egg-baked breakfast dish, but I'm still not sure. It's super rich, and the jalapenos add a nice bite. I served it with pancakes for breakfast, and while it was okay, I don't see it being a repeater at the LTH house. I will try a completely cooled square later, just in case. That is how it was meant to be served and update the review if necessary yeah because anybody that's eaten cooled congealed eggs and cheese knows that that's

definitely the way that they're meant to be yeah turns out it wasn't necessary thanks for the recipe yeah most hosts never updated this. Thanks to hosts who died of a massive heart attack after eating this multiple times. All right, well, we need another appetizer here. So, nutshell. Tell me about Party Franks. You got some Party Franks? Party Franks. I like to party.

Oh, this is classic. I actually encountered this at parties with incredibly drunk people before. Cool. Tell me about it. Well, it's a very old sweet and sour cocktail recipe, says Anne-Marie. I remember looking forward to it as a kid at my mom's holiday parties. It will look horrible and smell worse when first in the pan, but just wait. Don't ever tell what's in the sauce

until after your guests have tasted it. Otherwise they'll never try it! Serve with toothpicks and keep warm in a fondue pot. You tell them what was in the sauce, say it by saying,

I spent all day chopping these fingers off of hands. Show some fucking respect. All right, all right, all right. What's in this? Well, a pound of cocktail wieners, one eight-ounce jar grape jelly, and one eight-ounce jar yellow mustard.

Oh! Good. Slop that there into one of the mini crockpots that you get with the big crockpot, and, yeah, you heat it. Make hot to eat now. And because this is all recipes, the photo shows marmalade and mustard. Dry mustard.

Coleman's dry mustard. Oh, yeah, it shows dry. Yeah, okay. Yeah. And then something on the right. I don't know what that is. Hi, my name's Will Lemon. Will Lemon?

Will Lemon. Will Lemon. Will Lemon. I like these better wrapped in crescent dough, each triangle cut in half lengthwise, baked until golden brown, then dip them in the jelly and mustard or duck sauce mixed with hot mustard. Have you noticed that all these reviews have a little thumbs up icon you can give it? To me, that looks more like a middle finger. I think it looks like a little boat.

Yeah. That's adorable. And then, Nutshell, you are army chic. Army chic. I've been making this for years. It was an old recipe handed down for my grandma. Your grandma hated you. It's perfect for taking to parties, potlucks, cookouts, and there are never any leftovers.

Oh, good. Because they don't put it out on the counter. They just throw it away. I don't think this is going to do the garbage disposal much good, but here we go. Okay. I recently took to a friend's party. There was a ton of food there, but at the end of the night, the only dish completely empty was mine. I ate it all.

Just make sure you simmer it and don't boil it. One time I got distracted and didn't keep a good eye on it. The sauce looked like antifreeze on the plate, lol, but it still tasted fantastic! It turned blue? It smelled like maple syrup? Boiled it. You put jelly and mustard together, and then you brought it to a boil? You might as well.

You just gotta throw out the curtains at that point. If you put it into the garbage disposal, it's gonna throw it back up at you. the curtains at that point. If you put it into the garbage disposal, it's going to throw it back up at you. Hey, F+, I want to talk to you about 3P Salad. 3P Salad?

3P Salad. My name's Sue Amber. That's how many P's they put in it, and the rest is just cheese and mayonnaise. You're super not wrong. Boy, you're not wrong. No. Alright, here we go. So I'm Sueb.

This is so unusual, but it takes you by surprise. It combines sweet and salty. Oh, good. Okay, so. Oh, God. Here's the ingredients. By the way, all recipes doesn't seem to have the wine pairing. Oh, that makes me so sad.

I really want to know what the fuck you have to drink to make this edible. Okay, so anyway, ingredients. The original recipe makes six servings. One cup frozen peas, thawed. One cup chopped dill pickles. One cup dry roasted peanuts.

One half cup mayonnaise. And then, just I don't know, six leaves of lettuce, I guess. Now we could technically call it a salad. And then you want to know how to make this? Sure. Put it in a bowl. Put what isn't the lettuce in the bowl.

Yeah, put what isn't lettuce in a bowl. Then scoop it out of the bowl onto the lettuce. Only dirties one bowl. Boots, tell us about the easy Watergate salad. Right. Oh, God. Oh, hey. My great auntie made this.

You've had everything. Okay. If we put this orange slice on here, it'll look healthy. You've had everything. Okay. If we put this orange slice on here, it'll look healthy. Trust me. I'm Sandy Sue, and this is the easiest recipe on the planet, and it tastes awesome. I love this at Easter, but it could grate any time of the year. Yeah, it could grate on people's nerves. It could grate on you, yeah.

So, yeah, easy Watergate salad. First thing you're going to need is a can of crushed pineapple in juice, undrained. You need a cup of miniature marshmallows.

If you want to be really fancy, you use the multicolored marshmallows. You need a package of instant pistachio pudding mix, half cup chopped pecans, and one and a half cups of frozen whipped topping. Cool whip.

Cool whip. So, you want to know the directions? I can't wait. Mix! And stick in the fridge. I've got a special cook's note here. You want to thaw the Cool Whip by placing unopened tub in refrigerator. An eight ounce tub will completely be thawed in four hours. Do not thaw in microwave.

Come on, hot Cool Whip sounds great. I want to say that underneath the directions for Easy Watergate Salad, underneath the directions is a button that says Kitchen Friendly View. So I clicked that, and it showed me how to make baked ziti. Oh, yeah. That's nice. You don't want to make this. You don't want to make this.

Let's get you somewhere else. You want some baked ziti? I can show you how to make baked ziti. This is unfriendly to your kitchen. And then, Nutshell, you are Tammy Lynn. All right. Tammy Lynn. This is my husband's favorite salad that has to be made at every holiday gathering or family get-together.

This is my exact recipe I've been making for years. It's the perfect way to make Watergate salad. I got it off the back of a marshmallow bag. Sometimes I swap walnuts for the pecans, and off the back of a marshmallow bag. Sometimes I swap walnuts for the pecans, and sometimes I put in a little coconut. Exactly the same as the recipe from Dole. I've been feeding this to my husband

since Watergate, and he's more blob than man now. Hey, hey, Nutshell, or should I say Swizzle Sticks, you just really wanted to share a recipe with us. Oh, yeah. What is that?

It's a delightful appetizer recipe. It smells strange. Yeah. It's a delightful appetizer recipe called Cheese Squares with Jelly. Bop. Tom. Tom-bop. Bop.

Pajascus. I'm Swizzle Sticks, and I'd like you to know that cheese and fruit jelly combine deliciously in these crowd-pleasing appetizer squares that are family favorite because it's always a fucking family favorite. How could they possibly combine deliciously? And very easy to make. Well, let me tell you, but let me give you the ingredients first. Oh, boy. All right. What you got to do is you got to start out with a fourth of a pound of processed cheese food. Oh, what you gotta do is you gotta start out with a fourth of a pound

of processed cheese food. Oh, good. So, Velveeta. Alright. Then you take a half a cup of butter. Yeah, right. One-fourth cup brown sugar. One and three-fourth cups all-purpose flour. One and a half teaspoons powder.

Baking powder. So we're making kind of a dough here. Yeah! A half teaspoon of salt One and a half teaspoons powder, baking powder. So we're making kind of a dough here. Yeah. A half teaspoon of salt and four tablespoons any flavor fruit jam. What? Why? Because basically we're making lemon bars with Velveeta and crappy fruit jelly. Yeah, no, I reiterate.

Why? Okay. so anyway, you preheat the oven to 300 degrees Fahrenheit and in a mixing bowl you combine the processed cheese food, butter, brown sugar, flour, baking powder, and salt. And you set aside one-fourth of the mixture. And in a greased 8x8 inch

baking pan, you place the remaining mixture, cover the mixture with jam, and crumble the reserved one-fourth mixture over the layer of jam. Bake for 25 minutes. Place the baked mixture in the refrigerator for two hours or until chilled. Cut into squares and serve

to your invisible friends and wonder why you're so alone. Related recipes is Cheese Easy Squares, which is just put parmesan on rye bread and serve. But there's parsley, so it's fancy. Jesus. Hey, have you guys felt like these recipes have been a little, I don't know, kind of like, you know, sort of white bread and flavorless?

Yeah. Not a lot of spice in them. I guess. Yeah. Not a lot of spice in them. I guess. Well, that's cool because I took a trip down old Mexico way, as I like to call it. Oh, good. And I brought back some south of the border flavor, Arriba.

So this is Doritos salad. Okay. My name's Jesse B., and we're at food.com now, the Food Network website. And here's how you make Doritos salad. It's a tasty taco salad flavor that is really easy. You'll need 13 ounces of nacho cheese flavored Doritos. You will only use half the bag, but you need 13 ounces of the Doritos. Wait.

Okay, okay. I'm not going to ask you. You stuck the rest in your face while weeping violently. Then you need less of that than lettuce, specifically Dole brand for some reason. You're going to need some Roma tomatoes, three of them. Chop them. That's what makes it healthy.

Yeah, then some black olives. Then you really chop those up. Then you're going to need some nacho cheese dip. Now, again, this is south of the border flavor, so Old Dutch brand is what it's called for here. You're going to need two cups of cheddar cheese. I don't specify a brand on

that. And one cup mozzarella cheese. Again, brand. Okay, so we've got four of our seven ingredients include the word cheese. We're having a cheese salad. So here you go. Stir the lettuce up together and then put in the Doritos.

And, you know, put meat in there if you feel like it. Serve. Next time, we're going to show you how to make a great salad by shooting a giant ball of cheese at a tree. shooting a giant ball of cheese at a tree. Yeah, the t-shirt canon needs to be revolutionized. So, yeah, we're at cooks.com. Oh, God, this photo's horrible!

Alright, let's talk. No, food.com is not allowed to know my location. Thank you very much. They might start sending you these. Oh, food.com is not allowed to know my location, thank you very much. They might start sending you these. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Okay, so Stog, how do I make 7-Up Jell-O?

Somebody write a book about garnishing, but not very well. Yeah, they garnish this with limes. That's what makes us healthy. Take that, you fucking limes! Limey bastards. All right, all right, what do you got? A few limes. What did I ever do to you? Seven of

Jell-O by Pam I Am. This Jell-O salad recipe is in a church cookbook, and that must have been sold by Satan. The church I grew up in Missouri, also where Satan lives. I made it with our Easter ham this year, and it was yummy.

You can form it in a small mold or put it in an 8x8 pan and cut into squares. It will form small mold. Time prep includes two hours of refrigerating for it to set. Okay, so you want to hear the ingredients? I guess so. Yeah. No. Okay, we've got seven ounces of 7-Up Soda or Lemon Lime Soda.

You can just go cheapy and get, like, your Dr. Thunder or whatever. I want to drink that. There's a soda called Dr. Thunder. I want to drink it. Yeah, yeah, it's the off-brand Dr. Pepper. Oh, wow. Yeah. Look, we're paying attention to my gross. Yeah, yeah, it's the off-brand Dr. Pepper. Yeah. Look, we're

paying attention to my gross hell salad, so... Sorry. We're trying to not, though. What we need next is two and a half cups of miniature marshmallows. Sure, right. Don't forget, the colored ones are extra fancy. Yeah, they're festive.

Three ounces of lime jello gelatin. Six ounces of cream cheese softened. Yeah, yeah. Then? One four-ounce can of crushed pineapple. Fuck you, fruit! Death to fruit!

One cup of Cool Whip brand topping, one tablespoon of mayonnaise, and three-fourths of a cup of chopped walnuts. What are the walnuts doing in there? Dying a slow and unpleasant death. I could have been in baklava. Fuck! Okay, so directions.

In pan on medium heat, melt 7-Up and marshmallows together. Add Jell-O, no water, gradually. Take off heat and leave in pot. And then you get a supper bowl and you mix the cream cheese and pineapple until mixed well. Add Jell-O mixture to the bowl. Then fold and cool whip manonais and chopped walnuts.

Hand-naise. Salad cream. Pour and dish or mold and refrigerate until it is solid. Sorry, that's not manonais, it's maonais. Maonais, yeah's Maonaze. Maonaze, yeah. All hail glorious Maonaze revolution.

Chairman Mao Select! That was, thanks Pam I.M. L.A. Foodie thought that was a five star review. You're welcome. Hail Satan. I like that at one point, Pam I.M jello and she like started out with the water to put the jello in. She was like, wait a minute.

There's no sugar in this water. I need to fix this. Put sugar in everything. Everything must be covered in sugar. Nutshell, you just shared something awful. Which one? Oh, yeah, that just shared something awful. Which one? Um, oh yeah, that's a good question. What's the kids' favorite easy cheesy biscotti?

Oh yeah! It's a recipe by Karina, who says it's great comfort food for kids and easy for parents. In other words, it's parents saying, fuck it, I give up. What do kids need comfort food for? They have parents that serve them this. Yeah, you're right. It's a vicious cycle. Okay,

so the ingredients are one can condensed tomato soup, one package processed cheese food cubed, one and one-fourths cup milk. And one half pound cooked and drained spaghetti. Fuck you.

And then you combine the tomato soup with about half a can of milk and about half the cheese in a saucepan over medium heat, stirring constantly. Melt all together. Continue adding the cheese, melting all together. Do not boil! Continue to add milk until desired consistency, whatever that is, is reached. Serve over warm cooked spaghetti. Cheesy goodness!

I like the idea of making spaghetti for my kids, because it's the easiest fucking food to make, but I hated the idea that it wasn't making them morbidly obese. It doesn't have enough milk and cheese in it. Why don't you just give them Pringles and let them watch Dora?

I think it's healthier. Yeah. Fuck. Jesus. Oh, okay. All right, one more Jell-O recipe here. This is creamy. Only one more? I jello recipe here. This is creamy... Only one more?

I've got so many. Yeah, I know. This is creamy cranberry jello salad. It's by K.H. Jones. This is my favorite Thanksgiving dish. The sweetness is a nice contrast to the saltiness of the turkey. I'm disappointed there's no horseradish. Apples give a nice texture,

but they are all chopped small enough. The mayo seems like a strange addiction, but you don't taste it. And it improves to the texture of the cream cheese. Enjoy! It looks like someone melted in a punch bowl and then someone spread mayo all over his melted remains. All right, well, this one has actually quite a few ingredients.

So we've got a can of crushed pineapple. Okay. A can of whole berry cranberry sauce. Okay. Then you're going to need some water. That's an ingredient for some reason. Then you're going to need two packages of raspberry-flavored gelatin mix, such as Jell-O. I know that the word Jell-O is in the title of the recipe, but you

know, whatever. Then you're going to need a package of cream cheese at room temperature, which is where you bought it from. It was already at room temperature. You're going to need two tablespoons of mayonnaise. Wow, that's... wow. It's the least mayonnaise we've ever read about.

I didn't know mayonnaise could exist in that small of a quantity. Award recipe for least mayonnaise in a recipe on allrecipes.com. Then you're going to need some frozen whip toppings such as Cool Whip. Thaw that, please. A tart apple. Ew, a real fruit?

Not in a can, even. Chop that up. Chop up some walnuts and then, oh. More frozen whipped toppings. Okay. So, remember when I said you need a cup of frozen whipped toppings such as Cool Whip? Yeah. Yeah, you're also going to need half a cup of frozen whipped toppings such as Cool Whip.

Yep. One and a half cups, gotcha. Well, the second one is to taste. Yep. One and a half cups, Scotchum. Well, the second one is to taste. So, I will put none in. I like tasting my food. Okay, so, pour the juice from the crushed pineapple in the cranberry sauce in a measuring cup. Add enough water to equal two cups of liquid. Bring to boil.

So, just boil that shit up. Remove from heat and dissolve raspberry gelatin in the liquid. Pour gelatin in a bowl and refrigerate until partially set. About 45 minutes. Then beat the cream cheese with mayonnaise in a bowl with an electric mixer until fluffy. Gradually beat partially set gelatin cream cheese mixture. And then gently fold one cup of whipped topping into the mixture. Stir crushed pineapple, cranberry sauce, apple, and, you know, your dog.

Whatever in there. Toenail flippings. Get rid of the evidence. Then transfer it to a serving bowl and tell your family you hate them. Feed my mates to the pigs. Hi! Hi! Hi, what's up?

I am Turd Blaster. Hello, Turd Blaster. Hello, Turd Blaster. Hi, Turd Blaster. Thanks for the four-star review. You're welcome. I can't wait for this to set up all the way. From what I can taste, it's so delicious. That was without all the combined textures.

Thank you, Turnblaster. Thank you for giving me an easy way to remove the district attorney from my upcoming court case. My name's Sarah Jo. Instead of mayonnaise, I use sour cream. I also use pecans instead of walnut. At the last minute, I folded half a bag of mini marshmallows in there. I made no other changes. And then once it was all set,

I spread the top with Cool Whip. This is to die for! We all loved it! Literally, I stabbed several people who tried to get near my portion. Rest in peace, Sarah Jo. Alright, well, that was all the appetizers. Oh, good.

Main course. Jesus. Yeah, time for the main course. I like to have three Jell-O salads before my main course. I mean, there's always room for Jell-O. Yeah. So, nutshell, tell me about the hamburger crescent pie. Okay. Actually, click on it.

It's redirecting me. Oh my god. It looks like a pizza with cornflakes on it. I did too. Looks like cornflake pizza. It's chips.

Alright, here we go. Okay. Trying to keep my lunch down. Didn't think that this would be the one that would get me but apparently okay uh one pound hamburger one half cup chopped onion eight ounces tomato sauce this isn't so bad eight ounces tomato sauce two tablespoons taco seasoning uh one eight eight ounce package crescent rolls. One half-cup crushed nacho chip. It's a big fucking nacho chip. Uh, one-

I know a nacho chip maker. One cup sour cream. And one cup shredded cheddar cheese. Because, of course, who wants to taste anything except dairy? Okay. Directions. I can't imagine what the instructions are. I think you can.

All right. Make hot. Make hot smash together. Cook hamburger and onion until meat is browned and drained. Aw, we're not keeping the grease in? That's sad. Stir in tomato sauce and taco seasoning. Bring to a boil

and simmer uncovered for five minutes. Separate crescent rolls into eight triangles. Place in a greased nine-inch pie plate with points towards the center. Press into the bottom and up the sides. Sprinkle one cup chips over crust. Top with meat

mixture. Spread sour cream over meat Why are you sounding so despondent? Sprinkle the cheese And remaining chips Because there's no mystery left in the universe I like the bit All is wasteland spread before me Bake at 350 degrees

For 20 to 25 minutes Or until cheese is melted and crust is golden brown. And let set five minutes before cutting. Motherfucker, that's pretty sophisticated. We're putting layers in these chips. I want to cook this. I want another one that says view all savory pie recipes. Stog.

Hello. You're going to make another choice here What would you like to read about? Would you like to read about pasta? Would you like to read about cheeseburgers? Or would you like to read about soup? Can't we read about all three? Yes you certainly can

This is pasta cheeseburger soup Stog Take it And first of all give me the instruction we've moved to a brand new site for us here yeah we are now on recipes uh spark people.com wait a minute this is a weight loss site and you lose weight by eating pasta cheeseburger and soup duh well yeah because if you look at it and you're like, oh god, I'm not eating that, then you'll lose weight. Yeah, Spark People is a site where you're supposed to track your calories

and sort of exercise and do healthy living and stuff like that, so they have a recipe section. This is one of them. Here's how you make pasta, cheeseburger, soup. Ingredients. You need one pound of lean downed beef. You need one half cent

of chopped onion. My beef is going to the ball. You need three cents of water. I mean, that's kind of a quantifiable amount, depending on your district. That's probably quite a lot of water. It is. Okay, and then you need one can of condensed cheddar cheese soup, you need one can of condensed tomato soup,

and you need one cup of uncooked pasta shells. That's for the crunch. All right. Well, this is pasta cheeseburger soup like you did in all the notes. Here's how you make it. Okay. Brown beef and onion over medium heat. Drain.

You're fine. So far, first step, fine. Stir in water and soups bring to boil and add pasta ooh no no longer fine

bad that's a bad step wait cook uncovered for 15 to 20 minutes until pasta is tender stirring occasionally

god damn it fucking gluey as pasta out there your mouth will seal completely after you're finished we like to call this spackle soup in my house this is how you lose weight because you will never want to

eat any food ever again it's cause your bowels shut down after you eat it my name's Nicorella 8 pretty good need something more maybe some more cheese or some more My name's, uh, Nicorella8. Uh, pretty good. Need something more. Maybe some more cheese or some more tomato flavoring?

But definitely worth trying. Yeah, fuck that water shit. Just leave that out. Why don't you throw a couple of candy bars in there while you're at it? Go with your cheeseburger pasta. Fuck you. Uh, I talked to, uh, A I talked to Amit a bit while he was putting this document together, and because of that, I know where this entire episode came from.

And this episode came from the recipe that I am about to read right now. Do you remember the... Oh, I think it was one of the two recent WikiHow episodes where we read about the Mac ramen dog. And I said that I was disappointed that there was no ramen lasagna. This episode is a meat fixing that hole in my heart. He accepted your challenge. Is a meat fixing that hole in my heart? He accepted your challenge.

So, I'm Sue Lau, and this recipe is lasagna stuffed bell peppers. It has just over four stars. Holy shit, that looks like something from a Stephen King novel. Two classic favorites from your family and one easy affordable meal. You sound like someone from a Stephen King novel. Pair with... Well, there's gonna be a lot of words in this recipe, then. And then she smashed him to her ankles with a sledgehammer.

Prepare for an 800-page recipe, motherfucker! Pair with tossed salad. Sorry! I thought I could say that with a straight face! Yeah, no, seriously. Pair with tossed salad. Absolutely. Anyway.

Pair with tossed salad and French bread and voila. You'll be the next new chef to star in your own kitchen. To star in your own kitchen? With adoring family and friends. Oh, see, obviously this person is like having a requiem from a dream moment. They've done a bunch of fucking drugs and now they think this recipe will make them famous.

Can I summarize that movie for anybody who hasn't seen it yet? It's drugs, drugs, drugs, ass to ass, where's my arm? Don't forget the electroshock and the killer refrigerator. Why shouldn't they forget that?

Okay. Oh, there's a nutrition button. You know what? I'll leave that for the end. I want that to be a surprise. Okay. Serving. This serves four. You're going to need a three ounce package of ramen noodles. Yay! Because it's lasagna stuffed bell peppers, der.

Then save the seasoning packet for another use. Just snort that fucker straight up. I got the good shit. I got the mama brand. Just bathe in it. You're going to need four large red bell peppers. You're going to need one cup of small curd cottage cheese. You're going to need one large egg.

You're going to need a fourth a cup of Parmesan cheese. You're going to need a bunch of bulk Italian sausage, which crumble that up then some spaghetti sauce obviously out of a can then uh shred up so much i'm kidding buy a bag of mozzarella cheese okay i can't wait to see how much sodium is in a serving of this yeah yeah it's gonna be a good reveal here we go uh cook the ramen okay then drain the noodles set that aside. Then cut the tops off the peppers, remove the seeds and the membrane, and throw the peppers away. Place peppers in a glass baking dish with a quarter cup of water. Cover lightly with plastic wrap and microwave for nine minutes,

rotating positions of peppers every three minutes. I cooked them right side up, upside down, and then on their sides. Cooking time may vary slightly with different microwaves. Come on, lady. You should expect your peppers to be about half cooked. We're halfway there, everyone.

After the Paxil, I now expect my peppers to be about half cooked. It's fine. I don't care. So then you're going to want to mix the crumbled sausage with the spaghetti sauce and then simmer that. Then beat the egg, add cottage cheese, and then stir that in, and then stir in the Parmesan cheese. Oh, that's right, because there's a bunch of cheeses. Place a crumpled sheet of foil into the bottom of the glass baking dish and set the peppers on cheese. Oh, that's right, because there's a bunch of cheeses. Place a crumpled sheet of foil into the bottom of the glass baking dish and set the peppers on it.

Divide the ramen noodles into four parts and place into the bottom of the peppers. Then spoon in half the meat sauce into the peppers. Then divide the cottage cheese mixture among the peppers. Then finish the topping with the sauce. Bake uncovered at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Then put on more cheese. You're not even reading the whole recipe. You're not even trying anymore. I need more cheese in these peppers. More cheese. Then fist the peppers with cheese. Yeah, so put it in the oven, put cheese on it, put it back in the oven, put cheese on it. Take it out of the oven, put it back in the oven, put cheese on it.

All right, so after you're done with that, one pepper is going to be, well, let's see. It's going to be 50% of your calories for the day. Yay! It's also going to be 50% of your calories from fat for the day. Cholesterol, only 36%, surprisingly. The sodium does not disappoint. Sodium, 1,424 milligrams. 59% of your daily value.

That's right. That's value is what it is. And how. Yeah, you get great efficiencies. You have to eat these in moderation, so eat eight of them at the same time. You know how to eat just one person with a spoon. Cancel each other out. But it leaves you a lot of room to make up for in fibers on your other,

everything else you'll eat for the day. Hey, Boots. Hey, Boots, do you like turkey? Yeah. Yeah, turkey's great. Hey, Boots, do you like garbage cans? This is turkey in a garbage can. It's by 2Blue.

Oh. I am 2Blue. This recipe... There's no recipes photo. This recipe is courtesy of chef number 308515. Oh, wait. In response to

veggie chicken cheese poppers with berry sauce. Is that her inmate number? No, her inmate number is veggie chicken cheese poppers with berry sauce. And both are simply a modified Dutch oven method of primitive cooking. John states you will also need two layers of clean tinfoil,

about three feet square on the ground for this recipe. So, ingredients? Yeah, what are the many ingredients? And also, what is the yield? One turkey. Strangely enough. It yields one turkey. You will need one turkey.

And also a quarter cup of seasoning. Your preference. Who can say? You figure it out, asshole! Just grab the ramen seasonings from the last recipe and put them in here. Who cares? Alright, there's a lot of directions.

Here we go. Select some sort of steak hammered into the ground, or a more robust steel, cast iron, whatever stand that can hold a turkey sort of like standing on its butt. Would be interesting to do this with the beer butt cooking method.

Would be. It's a good method, really. Place a new stainless steel garbage can over the bird. You could use cast iron, but if using galvanized metal, burn it out first. Shame the turkey! Around sides of a can,

bank with 10 to 12 pounds of charcoal briquettes. Allow it to cook for 1.5 hours. It didn't say anything about making fire. The turkey will take care of it itself. Sacrifice the turkey to our god. Turkey for the turkey god? On conclusion of the cooking period, sweep away the remaining embers and ash,

very carefully anticipating a pretty vicious blast of hot air and steam. Test your bird that the required parameters of 160 in the breast, 180 in the thighs. Okay, you can do a 10 star less. It will convect up that much. No point in it being too dry. I've made the world's shittiest smoker. That's true. That's about it.

That's true That's about it So does the last step go to Golden Corral instead? Yeah Well there's an intermediary step of burn your eyebrows off But yeah Well then get angry at it Daddy looks surprised all the time now. So, let's see.

So, we've got our main courses, but obviously we're all still feeling hungry. Yeah. We want some nice, delicious, soul-satisfying food. Like ghost poop. Stog. Give me that old-time poop. Stog! Give me that old time religion. Ooh. Stog! PaganWiccan.about.com

First of all, yeah, first of all our URL starts with paganwiccan.about.com Yay! Slash OD slash Samhain cooking. This pretty much sums up a lot of the Wiccan experience in the United States, at least.

This is great. Okay, Stog, tell me about, what is your name, by the way? My name is Paddy Wingington. Wigington. What's your occupation? I'm a paganism Wicca expert. Pad told me how to make this. It's called ghost poop.

I know, ghost poop sounds vile, but it's a really delicious dessert, and if you have kids, they'll love the idea of putting a bowl of ghost poop on the table. Because kids are disgusting. I don't think mine would... I mean... I'll ask her.

You know what? I'll ask her tomorrow. I'll ask her tomorrow. Do you want to eat ghost poop? This is the F-Plus's first scientific experiment. No, Daddy, no! I said do you want to eat ghost poop? Whip this up the day before so the marshmallows can get nice and soft.

It's not a true moosey, but comes out the same texture. Fuck you. That looks like the same texture as moose. This makes a great and super sweet addition to your Sam-Gamgee menu. It's actually Sal-N, thanks. Your Sam-Gamgee menu. Here's the ingredients. One 16-ounce tub of frozen dessert topping.

All right, I see where the search terms have happened here. Yeah, the search effect is pretty clear. One of our previous episodes, I think it was marshmallows, and we've moved on to this. I know ranch dressing was a search term. I always got good results with Jell-O. 12 to 14 ounces of chocolate syrup. One cent of mini marshmallows.

That's a cup. One fourth cup of chopped walnuts. Optional. You don't really need protein. You don't really need. If you want to bring Maslow into this again. What else do I got in here? One fourth cup of shredded coconut.

One fourth cup of chocolate chips. One-fourth cup of candied corn chopped. Those represent the undigested bits. I'm sorry, cut up the candied corn? Yep. So it looks like chewed corn in your ghost poop. Oh, that's charming. Yeah, it's everything you expect from something called ghost poop. Yeah, it's... It's everything you'd expect from something

called ghost poop. So we're taking... So we're taking some frozen dessert topping, adding a bunch of little bits of candy to it, and then... It's not quite like mousse, but it's the same texture. It's got chocolate syrup in it!

That's what makes it different the the the directions are essential though the the directions are they they elucidate this put the thawed dessert topping in a large bowl and gradually add the chocolate syrup mix while adding so that the topping turns your preferred shade of brown. How brown do you like your poop? Hang on. That line's coming up. Use a little more or a little less syrup, depending on how dark and chocolatey you want your ghost poop.

Eh? Eh? You know, they could add some strawberry jam to this for the real I'm dying ghost poop experience. Just saying. Just a streak of it. Yep. Perfect for announcing

your horrible diseases. Worst Ben and Jerry flavor ever. So how did you die? Oh, I can see. I can see. Hey everybody, I'm dying. Here's a chocolate slop. And then what's the third paragraph there?

What's the third paragraph say? Cover the bowl and refrigerate overnight so your ghost poop can firm up. in Vermont. Serve it a big decorative bowl with a large spoon. Just one spoon. Everybody eats from the communal ghost poop with the same spoon. This shit's on you now, man.

I washed my hands of the whole thing. Oh, fuck. There was a related article on that one. I think it would be criminal for us to not address the peep-wildard salad. What the fuck? Oh my god! Yes, this is a traditional Wiccan dish. Yeah, it's a traditional Wiccan dish.

It's Ostara peep Ambrosia. Everyone knows Peeps, those overwhelmingly sweet little marshmallow critters that appear every spring in the grocery store. Put your leftover Peeps to good use this Ostara. I'd probably pronounce it. It's probably pronounced Looflarb. And make them into a delicious Ambrosia salad. For the most colorful results, use yellow or pink Peeps. See, I keep on saying

use the multicolored marshmallows. It makes it festive! Okay, so you're gonna need one package of marshmallow peeps. You're gonna need two cans of mandarin oranges, two cans of pineapple tidbits, one jar of maraschino cherries, two chopped bananas, two

cups of shredded coconut flakes. That's a lot of coconut flakes. You're gonna need a 16-ounce tub of cottage cheese and an 8-ounce tub of Cool Whip. I like so much of these things are fruit adjacent. Cherries, sort of. Yeah, cherries, go with it. It counts.

Yeah, and this one is literally just mixed in a bowl. No, but the last, what you do, come on, read the bottom part. If you've got even more candies and Peeps left over, use them in the lesser banishing ritual of the chocolate rabbit. Yes. Arrange your ritual supplies on your altar so they look pretty. Kids can do this. Typically, the chocolate rabbits end up in the center,

surrounded by an army of peeps and several rings of jelly beans. A quick note, you might want to perform this ritual well in advance of mealtime or all the kids will be too full of candy to eat a real dinner. And then a bulleted list out of nowhere. A bag of jelly beans, marshmallow peeps, a chocolate rabbit for each participant, a glass of milk for each participant. First, give everyone a handful of jelly beans. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Say something like, Behold, little jelly eggs, small symbols of the season. How we adore you! Eeyah, eeyah! Green is for the grass that springs from the land. Eat all the green jelly beans. Yellow is for the sun shining above our heads. Eat all the green jelly beans. Yellow is for the sun shining above our heads. Eat all the yellow jelly beans.

Red is for the this is a link tulips that grow in our garden. Eat your red jelly beans. Pink is for Aunt Martha's new Easter hat. What? Not an Astara hat?

Sometimes in my life I'm frustrated that various family members and friends are a little bit too yuppie for me to handle. And at this moment, I wish they were way more. Anyway, what's purple for? There's the purple and then the purple ones. And then I have a whole ritual for eating the peeps, too, which is,

Behold the peep. The peep is life brought back in the spring. Little peep chickens, we honor you. Bite the peep chicks. Little peep bunnies, we honor you. Bite the peep bunnies. Wow. And then do the same thing to your rabbit.

And then finally, give everyone a glass of chocolate milk and raise your drinks in a toast to these three symbols of the season. To the jelly beans! To the peeps! To the chocolate rabbits! We drink in your honor! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. I just like the hail, hail to the mighty jelly bean

of spring. Nutshell, I've heard that, uh, I've heard two things about you, and I don't know if these rumors are true,, I've heard that, uh, I've heard two things about you, and I don't know if these rumors are true, but I've heard that you love apple pie. Is that true? I love all kinds of pie, but yes, apple pie is a very nice one.

I've also heard that you hate apple pie. Is that true? Um, it is. Yes, I'm so fucking conflicted. I just don't know what to do with myself. This is mock apple pie the second. Oh, Jesus, this one. It's got Ritz crackers in, hasn't it?

No, it does not. Oh, wow, no? No, it doesn't. Oh, my God. This started out as a genuine Ritz recipe. I mean, it was like on boxes and stuff. And now they've ruined it by using soda crackers instead. I don, it was like on boxes and stuff. And now they've ruined it by using soda crackers instead.

I don't know what to think anymore. Okay, anyway. How dare. Mock Apple Pie 2. Mock Apple Pie 1 is probably one of the Ritz crackers. Recipe by B. Love apple pie, but ate apples? Your prayers have been answered. Yay!

Who the fuck? Who are you? Who are you? Somebody who prays with a blood sacrifice. How did they find you in a focus group? I just want to eat the pie tin. I just want to eat the stuff that's in the pie, not the actual fruit. How can I do this?

Do you have any crabs that aren't, like, crabby and stuff? Yeah. Do you have any burgers that are just bread? Let's see. One and a half cups white sugar. One and a half cups water. One tablespoon butter. One and a half teaspoons cream of tartar.

One and a half teaspoons ground cinnamon. And then 16 double wide soda crackers. Because fuck you. I've been swearing a lot in this episode. I'm terribly sorry, but fuck you. How dare you. How fucking dare you. Jesus Christ.

I'm going to fucking lose our rating. One nine-inch pie shell. This is barely food at this point. You know? This is almost not snacking. Yeah, it's all the people and the reviews that are saying, wow, this tastes just like apple pie. What the hell kind of apple pie have you bastards been eating?

Cinnamon is sort of a vegetable. That's a good point, but... God damn you all. You should be a lobbyist. Anyway, you make a horrible hell broth with most of the ingredients. You boil that, and then you put the crackers into the pie shell and pour the horrible

hell broth over it. You add the top crust, seal, and flute the edges because you're being fucking fancy with your cracker pie. Yep. And then you bake it 425 degrees for 30 to 35 minutes, or until then. Ah, finally, a safe way to ingest a whole bunch of cinnamon.

My name's Sarah N1. I gave this five stars. I made this for our 4th of July celebration. Nobody even knew there weren't really any apples in it. Then they all rose up as one and killed you. I think this should be called Magic Apple Pie instead. It was really good. I'll make this again and again.

I live in a hellscape where there are no fruits or vegetables or nutrition. Stog, take Baby Blue Angel. Okay. The only reason I gave it four stars was because I changed it. I didn't use pie crust. I made a crust using quick cooking oats, crackers, brown and white sugar, marg, and allspice. What?

What? I pressed that into a pie plate, broke some crackers, and put them on top of the crust. I had an apple and a pear in the fridge that needed to be used up, so I sliced them up and cut the crackers. Blasphemer, she is real fruit! Heretic! And then I poured maple syrup on top of the fruit, because you can't go back to dumb fruit. I poured the syrup from the recipe over and topped it with a crust made from instant oatmeal, apple cinnamon, sugar, marge, crackers.

It was so delicious. I hate that things in my pantry are in boxes. How can I combine them all? I measure my life every day in cubes. When I was done making, I topped it with some of the syrup I had left over.

Made extra. Add some maple syrup. I will definitely have to make the original next time. In my mouth. Why? This is a nice recipe. I made this other thing. Yeah, pretty much.

Maybe one day I'll make your thing. Your recipe is missing something. Oh, I know what it's missing. Okay. All right. Well, that's all we have for desserts. Because, you know, I'm assuming we're all a little parched here. Yeah. I could use a drink, yeah.

Good. Great. Good. So I'll make you a drink here. My name is Laura Mipsom, so I'm intolerable. And this drink is called Coca-Cola. What the fuck? He's drinking the contents of the perfume counter at a head shop.

Look, my name's Laura Mipsom. You bastards only gave me three stars. It's the real-ish thing. The top secret recipe for the cola you know and love. Revealed. Use only food-grade ingredients for reasons that may seem obvious and enjoy with a smile. So, again, this is the actual recipe, motherfucker. This is how they make it.

So, this is the actual recipe of, like, how this stuff comes together. Like, because I know that you guys, like, you love Coca-Cola, but it's just so hard to find sometimes. Okay. is like you love coca-cola but it's just so hard to find sometimes okay so the original recipe will make 15 gallons okay a small yield for a for a coke plan i guess yeah yeah yeah okay so let's start out with the coca extract oh my god okay so first of all you need the coca extract. Oh my God. Okay. So first of all, you need the coca extract.

So you're going to need half a pound of crumbled coca leaves. And then you're going to need one and a half cups of Everclear. Okay. So right now you have booze and cocaine. So you're going to need a flavor of that. Okay, so 10 drops of orange oil, then 15 drops of lemon oil, five drops of nutmeg oil. These are all flavors you can taste in Coca-Cola.

Then two and a half drops of coriander oil, then five drops of neroli oil, then five drops of cinnamon oil. Right? Right? It's all coming together. Okay. Then half a cup of Everclear.

To taste. Okay, so that's the flavoring taken care of. The Everclear is not for the soda. It's for me. Yeah, so now we have seasoned Everclear and cocaine. Now we're going to need the syrup. Here's how you make the syrup. That's one and a quarter gallons of water.

Then you're going to need 15 pounds of white sugar, because there's not corn syrup in this shit or anything. Then you're going to need three quarters fluid ounce of caramel color, then half a fluid ounce of vanilla extract, then half a fluid ounce of caffeine. That's going to be a problem. Then two cups of lime juice, and then one and a half ounces of citric acid powder.

And then, oh, and then more water. Yay! Carbonated water. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, you're going to need carbonated. So 12 and a half gallons of carbonated water in addition to the nut. To make the coca extract, moisten coca leaves with three ounces of green alcohol, then pack the wet leaves into a percolator and add more diluted alcohol until the leaves are fully saturated and slightly covered by the alcohol.

When the extract begins to drip from the percolator, stop up the hole, cover the percolator tightly and allow it to macerate for two days. Then continue the percolation, adding more alcohol until you have eight ounces of extract. So this takes at least two days. And then you're all done. And you've got, and you've got a Coca-Cola.

I have 131 followers and a glass with a mustache on it. How much did that cost you in comparison to actual Coca-Cola? It doesn't say on the thing. I mean, less, because I get artisanal Coca-Cola most of the time. Right. You import the bottles from Mexico. Mm-hmm. I mean, I like... Well, no, because I like the Mexican bottles, but I like the Chinese Coca-Cola.

Oh, okay. So I get the bottles from Mexico, I get the Chinese Coca-Cola. All right, you pour it into the bottle. Yeah. I don't know if you figured this out yet, but I'm an asshole. You throw the bottle out so you have a fresh one for the next one. Stop keying my PT Cruiser, you assholes. That's where I keep all my Velvet Underground albums.

Why do you keep your vinyl in the PT Cruiser? It's decorative. Oh, okay. Yeah, okay okay it goes with the Gucci coffee table uh F plus what did we learn

from any of this Jell-O is God Jell-O is King Jell-O is life we uh we got through an entire food uh

episode without once bringing up ranch dressing or without once reading a recipe that had ranch dressing as we did bring it up

hey we're breaking bad habits. We did not read the potato recipe. I mean, you know, we don't really deserve the credit for that, but that is true. I mean, there's other ways to be bland and horrible. Yeah, it's Cool Whip. Gelatin.

Cool Whip is the other way. I'm going to go eat some Jell-O right now. This is a dessert-y sort of offering here. I've learned that Wiccans are all incredibly high on sugar. Yeah. After reading these recipes today, and thinking back on some other recipes that we've read, I'm kind of surprised that

soylent isn't selling more than it is are they are they under hard times they're well they're not under hard times but it's not the you know it's not the the bang zoom economy that that they were kind of expecting for themselves it's just marketing if they suck it in a jar and put a mayonnaise label on it. Yeah, because there's so much evidence here. I mean, circumstantial evidence, but there's so much evidence here of people just going like, I don't care! Don't make it taste like much! And, you know, these people can... I think what it needs to be is that the thing about Soylent is that Soylent itself, while flavorless, is also nutritionally balanced.

So what they need to do is they need to come up with an off-brand version that's like Soylent, but just doesn't, like, is not nutritionally balanced at all. Only with sugar and butter. Yeah, totally. And it'll be like the side of the vitamin water, where it's just like, 500% of your RDA of fat! Yeah, the label can just,

the brand name can just be like, fuck it, I'm too tired to cook. Website, as always, thefpl.us. We've got the ball pit, we've got the flatter, we've got the wrongest words. Hopefully you're familiar

with all those things because otherwise I could scream them in your ears some more! Yeah, you should also come to ball pit because Heelslime started a food disaster thread

just very recently. Yeah, and there's photos. Yeah, you can see his attempt at making beef wellington. It did not go well for him. It did not, no. Beef not so wellington. Beef pourington.

Beef sickington. All right, bye-bye. Bye. In your tribute album to the world you must never forget To sing the one about the cat who's always getting wet Simone, what's your favorite food? Tomato What kind of, like, do you like a salad, or do you like bruschetta, or? Bruschetta. You like bruschetta? Yeah. What about ghost poop? Do you

like ghost poop? No. Should we put ghost poop on the table and eat it? Would that be a fun, tasty treat? Would you like ghost poop? No. I will have raspberries. Raspberries, We'll have raspberries. Raspberries. Instead of ghost poop. Ghost poop smells gross. Ghost poop smells gross? Yeah.

So you don't want to eat ghost poop? No. You don't think that's fun? No. No do that thing. Do you think all recipes has a lot of bad stuff on it? Yeah. Yeah, probably so.

Okay, bye.