The F Plus - 186: Hokum Pocus

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

The magick is still around us! For this episode, we're returning to SpellsOfMagic.com to learn some more terrific spells, most of which are very seductive in nature! This week, The F Plus learns the difference between the C String and the V String.

I'm going to rip your testicles off and stick them in your ear, and it's going to sound like my hate. This is so many cold opens right now. What's a cold open? Well, make sure you maintain this voice throughout the entire episode. Done. I already told him to do that. While you were getting a drink. Welcome, mortals, to the F Plus Podcast.

It's a magical place, and there's terrible things right with enthusiasm. In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. When you erase the pentagram, you have the ability to travel back in time. It works. Jack Chick. Make it rain, make it rain, but don't drive me insane. Have it rain for three hours. Make it rain, I have the power.

Nutshell Gulag. Grimnir's Nidcurse. An ancient Scandinavian method of cursing another being using the Nidstang pole. And lemon. Are there any Jewitches out there? Jewitches. Yeah, it's a real word. It's something, I mean, we can, you know, we call ourselves that.

You're such a Jewitch princess. I was thinking it was two matzos spread with chopped liver. Wow. Everybody's Jewitch. Wow. I's a nice chill witch. Wow. I like that. Hey, F-Lust. Hey, Lemon.

Hey, Lemon. Have you ever thought about the magic that's in the world around us? Like the, just like the magic of everyday normal life? No. The beauty of creation? No, obviously not. No. The card game? You know what? You're confused, and I understand

why you're confused, so let me back up and ask that question again. Have you guys ever thought about the McGick that's all around us? Oh! Yes. In several episodes. We are going to be going back to a site that we've done before, but it's for a very good reason.

Back in 2013, Portex put together a document on a site called Spells of Magic. It is a place where you can learn how to cast spells um and how to perform spells and uh and and that and that worked out uh pretty well uh but then i think that you know our capacity for wonder has has diminished some you know we've been we've been too hampered down by these episodes and so So I think we need to experience the magic. So this is a document put together by Ameet.

We are going to be all over SpellsOfMagic.com. And we're going to learn how to do really incredible things, how to really change the world and make the world a better place is what I'm thinking. So let's start off with a piece for Nutshell. And this is called the Cat Love Me spell. Why'd you give this one a nutshell? Yeah, I don't understand.

I don't know. My usual Cat Love Me spell consists of rubbing tuna on myself, but let's see what they do here. Hey, that's cool, man. Really? You're gonna do this voice the whole time? How long is it going to take to break the key fob? Oh, I love the design on this site.

It's so great. Yeah, it's super cute. All right, so the Cat Love Me spell. Tell me about it. Oh. What will I need? What will I need for the spell? For the spell, you will need milk.

A cup of milk. All together. The wish spell by Alyssa32. Okay. The spell I give you. And a spoon! Okay. I mean, do you have rights to use Alyssa32's spell?

Like, is that going to be a copyright problem? No, not at all. Oh, okay, cool. Great. It makes your cat or kitten like you for a Koopal Min or Ted Min. Whichever comes first. Very important. Patent your

Okay, so nutshell, before you begin, because you have casting instructions for the Cat Love Me spell spell, but you say that we need the wish spell by Alyssa32 first, right? So as it happens, I'm Alyssa32, and I'm going to give you that spell. Hi, Alyssa! Hey, how's it going?

So you're going to need latkaion, then you're going to need nail polish, perfume, and a cap and pencil. Great, because none of those would hurt a cat. It makes you have a wish. I last for 90,000 years. It works best for the cat love me spell. So these are really like working in tandem. Okay, so here's the casting instructions for the wish spell spell. Mix it all together, then ta-da, there you have it, the wish spell.

Fuck, I missed it. Damn it, Boots! Sorry, both of these spells are actually by Alyssa32. It's a different version of Alyssa32. She was actual projecting when she made this one. Right. Hey! Hey, you know, here's a surprise.

This spell was liked by somebody who also likes PewDiePie. Uh-huh. Yep. Anyway, tell me the Cat Love Me spell spell. Casting instructions for Cat love me spell spell. One, get the wish spell and some kind of cocoa butter lotion or any kind. Okay. Two, get the cat or kitten.

Three, mix some or the wish spell with the milk, then stir with a spoon. Mix some? Some or the wish spell. Some. Not all of it. Uh-huh. So with a spoon. Some? Some or the wish spell. Not all of it. So just a little. So you're mixing hand lotion with milk at this point. Uh-huh. You dip your finger

into the wishing milk, the milk you mixed. Get the cat or kitten to drink it off your finger. Yeah, you're poisoning your cat. Congratulations. I mean, again, it's nail polish and lotion and perfume. Yeah, you're poisoning your cat. Congratulations. Again, it's nail polish and lotion and perfume. And then you're poisoning yourself in some kind of bizarre murder-suicide ritual because you drink some of the milk and then close the room's door, yeah, to hide the bodies. Then chant.

Oh my god, an interspecies Romeo and Juliet. This milk we drink, my cat and I, shall have 700 hearts. We shall live forever. If not, we have two hearts. You're going to do really good at Zelda, though. What? Uh-huh. Then it shall make you and your cat or kitten have a bond.

Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. A small bond. It worked for me. I tried it when my kitten was choked. Be someone called me, then she loved me for 10 to 19 minutes minutes or the average attention span of a cat. Jesus. Yeah.

Great. Feed your cat dairy and cosmetics. I'm sure that won't give it horrible diarrhea. Well, you know, it's like cats have problems processing milk, but they also really like to drink milk. Same thing goes for nail polish. But they just can't stop eating it. I had a cat that used to try to eat my swimsuit after I'd go swimming, but... I think your cat was a pervert.

I just like chlorine. It also tried to eat my hair. I think your cat was a suicidal pervert. I just like chlorine. I also try to eat my hair. I think your cat was a suicidal pervert. Um, hey, uh, Jack Chick. Yeah? Would you like to receive wish powers? I would love to receive wish

powers. I'm so sorry. Would you like to receive witch powers was what I meant to say. I apologize. No, I'd prefer wish powers if you could give those to me. Too bad! You're going to receive witch powers! Damn it! But you promised. So tell me a little bit about what will I need for the witch power spell?

Well, so you're going to need negative three people. So let me know when you've rounded those up and we'll get to the next step, okay? So we have to kill three people before you can start the spell. Yeah, that's the first part. Well, you can use the person from the cat spell for one of them.

Alright, so Lemon, do you want the casting instructions or do you want a testimonial first? You know what? Let me debug this JavaScript because this program keeps crashing when I try to get negative three people, but in the meantime, can you give me the casting instructions? Yeah, yeah.

First, you need to have all your witchcraft tools like everyone else. Sure, everyone else. Everyone else. Your utility belt. Next, you sit in a triangle with your hands touching, then chant the incantation. Hear now the words of the witches, the secrets we hid in the night, the oldest of gods are invoked here, the great work of

Magik is sought. In this time and in this house, I call upon the ancient power, bring your powers to Wee Sisters 3. We want the power, give us the power. Well, Wee Sisters minus 3. Yeah. And then you're done.

Once again, watch out! Yay! And then, did you have any experience with the spell personally? This is what they did on Charmed, except me and my friends tried and it worked. Warning, if you do this, you will have to

take full responsibility for being a witch. Warning, if you do this, you will have to take full responsibility. For being a witch? For murdering three people, I assume? You mean, cops are going to come? I was going to say, with weird bullshit comes great responsibility. No, no. Well, you mean, they tried it on Charmed, she murdered three of her friends, and then it worked. They were murdered.

Yay! They tried it on Charmed. She murdered three of her friends, and then it worked. They were murdered. Listen, just because you saw something on Charmed doesn't mean it's real. Shut up! You're shutting the hell up! If it shows up in the movie The Craft, then it's real. I mean, I have never known Shannon Doherty to make a bad decision, including on her career. What about if it's on Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Then everyone needs to shut up. career. What about if it's on Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Then everyone needs to shut

up. Okay, so we have two different weight gain spells that we can try. And boots. It's up to you

to decide which of these we will do. Okay. One of them is simply called the Weight Gain Spell, and I want to tell you one thing about the Weight Gain Spell is that you will need the following items for this spell. Nothing. The other spell is called the Fattening Spell, and Fattening is spelled F-A-T-T-I-N-I-N-G.

I'm going to go the fattening spell. It's fatten like satin. Yeah, I want to do the fattening spell. Okay, the fattening spell. Terrific. So this is the fattening spell.

And yeah, so tell me about it. I've got a spell. So what's your name? My name? Yeah, it's at the bottom of the page. I'm Magic Lover 2. Okay. And you'll need the following items for this spell.

You need focus. Sorry, I read the second one. You'll need focus. You'll need imagination. Failed spelling, but you know what I mean, I hope. When was this published? How do you not...

Well, that's not how it's spelled, but there's no way to find out how it's spelled. Fuck, man, it has that red line under it. This sentence is fucking done. You'll need at least some experience. You'll need all chakras open. All of them. All right, hang on, let me go open my chakras.

Careful, or bugs will fly into your chakra. I saw that porn the other day. It was like, open my chakras. It was fucking disgusting. The screen in my chakras to keep the insects out. Gross. Bella Donna's taking a baseball bat in her chakra. Chakra dirt pipe

milkshake. Everyone here is gross. Yep. Oops, I got a chakra up my ass. You need your mind. You need your body. Oh, both of those? You need a...

So, Vesalcing, I'm gonna need Vesalcing. That's the thing I need. I think that's supposed to be visualizing. Yep. You might need visualizing. You might need Vesalcing. Sorry, I need to, for no reason, I'm going to adjust my headset. You must believe it will work!

If not, you're wasting time! Great. Yeah, so this is the first... It's your wasting time, like the burning time. Yeah, yeah. Never again, you your wasting time like the burning time Never again, you're wasting time You're wasting time This is my first spell I've ever made

Please try to mail me if it works I'll try I don't know how I can do that but I'll give it a shot Click it in your profile I don't have information I can do that, but I'll give it a shot. If it does, like, yes! I'm clicking in your profile. I don't have information on how to mail you there. Okay.

Okay, so here's the casting instructions for Fatining Spell Spell. Okay. Wile E... Yeah, Wile E. Coyote. Wile E. Coyote, focusingocusing on becoming fat. Chance. Make me fat and round for how long you want to stay fat. Make it so. Spin around three times while imagining yourself fat as you want to be.

while imagining yourself fat as you want to be. By the way, if you want it to last a lifetime, it will if you just say the chant like this. Make me fat and round for life, make it so. By the way, please mail me if it worked or didn't. How many of these spells on SpellsOfMagic.com include the phrase, make it so? Captain Picard was really deep in the Wicca game. There may be a small Trekkie Wicca overlap, you know.

Tea, blood, hot. Hey, do you want to know more about me? Sure, yeah, absolutely. I was born in 1998, so this kind of makes sense. Anyway. You were last seen in October 2014. Yeah. If anybody finds me, let my parents know. Well, I was AFWS for what I think was a year.

I have gotten into making 3D art and have been coding maps on SC2. Great. StarCraft 2 maps. I've been coding them. Jack Chick just sent us a link of all of the alters that are for sale on

Spells of Magic. Do any of them double as massage tables? This is really important. Well, no, because if you read so at first I was like, wait, 1780 for a table? That seems very cheap. Oh, it's six inches high. So, it's an altar table that would hold up your pizza box.

I'm going to get the pentagram one and have it hold my pizza. Anyway, okay, so hey, F+. Hey. Hi. Hey, okay, so... Hey, F+. Hey. Hi. Hey, Lemon. My name's not Lemon.

Mistake. Sorry. Hey, user 181364. That's right. You know, in the words of Biggie Smalls, I love it when you call me user 181364. You're not Bunny Bread and you never will be. No, that's true.

But I'm going to teach all of you about self-love. Parentheses. Yes. That kind. Yay! The magical kind? That kind.

Well, this is a multi-purpose spell. Use whenever you feel depressed about The magical kind? That kind. Okay. Well, this is a multi-purpose spell. Use whenever you feel depressed about yourself or your love life, or lack thereof. And just need a confidence boost. Also helps some people sleep better when done before bedtime. I was going to say, what if you need to fall asleep? Yeah, absolutely. Most people don't consider masked airbation magical, but it can be.

Okay. Alright. Sure. Fine. So you will need the following items for this spell. Your hand. Item number one. All optional.

Item number two. Fuck, they were out of that at the store. Item number two. Candles or the store. Item number two, candles or romantic lighting. Item number three, music. Whatever you consider romantic, sexy, or inspirational, depending on your intent. Item number four is sexy but comfortable underwear. Okay. Mm-hmm.

Sleepwear. Okay. Item number, I don't know, anything else you like, but you must be alone, and you must use your hand forward slash S. We don't want to assume that somebody has two hands. You can assume that they have one, though. So, okay, I lit candles, I put on my pajamas, I put on the prostitute disfigurement. Oh, that's very nice. Wait, that's okay.

That's very sexy music. So what do I do next? There's literally a band called the prostitute disfigurement. No, there's no the. It's just prostitute disfigurement. Prostitute disfigurement. That's gross. Casting instructions for self-love.

Yes, that kind spell. Basically, imagine if you were about to have the most romantic slash erotic night of your life and set up your bedroom for it. So, Twinkies and peach bottles and James wine coolers. Oh, no. Wow. Okay, no. Wow. Okay, so that can include anything you want. Whatever puts you in a relaxed and happy mood.

Then all you do, all you do is masturbate. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is some kind of voodoo witchcraft. Listen. I don't buy this, sir. No, no. The beauty of this spell is really it's in its simplicity. I mean, that's what drives it.

Okay, so all you do is masturbate, but take your time and really love yourself. Create a whole fantasy if you want. Tease yourself until you can't stand it anymore. The idea of teasing yourself and masturb you. It's all for you. It's like, oh, oh, no. No, I think... Oh, not this time.

No, I think I figured out this fucking spell. This is actually like the narc spell from some Christian guy who's like, you know, yeah, come up with this whole thing. The real magic is what Jesus provided you with. Then think about eternal life and how it will be ruined if you masturbate. Okay. So, okay.

So the motion of your hand is how you're raising power. So to speak. So to speak. So the energy will come from there. Green, parentheses for healing. If you're feeling depressed, unloved, or otherwise damaged. White for purity if you're feeling jealous or angry. Pink or red for love if you just want to love yourself a little more.

When you orgasm, feel and see the light slash energy radiate through your body. You'll feel instantly better. The effects are temporary, though. That's true. It's refractory, period. So much for the afterglow. Sometimes the results are super temporary.

The best time to do this is on a Friday night for women. Noon or afternoon for men. Every 45 minutes. Men masturbate on Mars. Women masturbate on Venus. No, it's more evidence about the narc thing, right? Like, women can only masturbate once a week.

Men can masturbate whenever they want. Well, no, just in the afternoon. Men just have a wider range of time for when they can masturbate. Listen, all men only feel like masturbating when Jenny Jones is on. I think that's a really daily reference. I think Jenny Jones hasn't been on TV in like 15 years. The price is right. Yeah, Drew Carey.

Anyway, the best time. Okay, so it'll work no matter when you do it, yeah. If you are dealing with a major issue like depression, you should talk to your doctor. This is meant as a mood booster, not a cure. You mean I can't masturbate my depression away? I can. Oh, sweet.

Explains the chafing. Oh, sweet. Explains the chafing. The similar spells include Inqueous Boyfriend 3, Hypnotic Love Spell, Summoning a Succubus, Summoning a Succubus, Summoning a Succubus, and Succubus Girlfriend. And actually... Dark Lust of the Flame. That's pretty cool sounding. Dark Lust of the Flame! Yes, exactly cool sounding. Dark Lust of the Flame!

Yes, exactly. I saw them live once. What did you think? See, he probably did. Uh-huh. You know what, Boots? Actually, give me a little bit of Dark Lust of the Flame, would you? We don't need to know what we need.

Just blaze through those casting instructions, if you would, please. Sure. Okay, first thing I need to do is I'm going to need to write the intended's name. You know what, Boots? Before you start, I say that love spells do not work. Oh, yeah. People say that love spells do not work. I disagree. But beware,

this is a dark spell causing the blackest passion and lust to stir inside the intended. So it gives you jungle fever? Either that or it makes someone to skull fuck everything. Do not use without just reason and desire. This is a dangerous spell for you and him.

Okay. You know, God. Well, no, that would be... Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. So write the intended's name on paper. Set aside. Draw a ring of salt.

No particular size. It could be like one inch. It could be a hundred feet. About the size of a Ritz cracker. And if you have a wand, follow the circle around. Follow the circle round. Casting a protection spell. You already know how to do this.

This is some advanced shit. I don't need to tell you how to do that. Light the candles around the circle and sit inside it. Braid the bay lavender, sage, and sweet grass together. You can use string to hold it together. Now burn it and say, By herb smoke and my power, I banish dark spirits and cast this circle this night and this hour.

I think that's actually herb smoke, like as in Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass. Oh, yeah, yeah. Boots, boots, boots, boots, boots. Come on, dude. That's not going to fucking work, okay? That's not going to work? Let me fuck you read it.

Let me read you a real fucking spell. I want a spell that's going to work. That'll get the fucking Tijuana Br brass fucking singing or playing their trumpet repeatedly. So this is the XXX Strong Lust spell, alright? You're going to need the following items for this spell. 1. Focus. 2. One red genital candle, penis-shaped, or a red pillar candle. 3. Photo of intended or a small piece of paper with

name and birthday. Four, vaginal fluids. Yeah, I said it. Oh, what? Okay, where am I gonna... Five, you're gonna need note two variations to the spell. Now, vaginal fluids actually leaves a lot

open to interpretation. Hey, Brenda. Now, I know... I remember I saw you reading Harry Potter once. I have a spell I need to do. And I was just wondering... Hello? All right, so guys, this is a lust spell for the ladies.

It is not for teens. How? Okay? All right. Here's the casting instructions. You're to bless, cleanse, and consecrate your tools and sacred space. Master bait. This is part of the ritual. Nobody on the site can spell master bait.

And think of you giving him the best sex of their life. This will make the person lust for you. Once climax is reached, anoint the red candle with your vaginal fluids. Place the red candle back on the altar on top of the intended photo or paper with the name on it.

Concentrate a little more and imagine intercourse is still going on with that person. Meaning imagine their penis. Right, because I'm frequently doing paperwork in the middle of my intercourse. Meaning imagine their penis still inverted inside you, moving in and out. Inverted? Inverted.

That sounds like a problem. I can't even imagine what that penis is. Okay, so you have to be inside of him, and then his penis inverts, and so then when it becomes inside of him, it's also inside of you. And that, Timmy, is how a baby is made. So her pussy has to be a black hole, And that, Timmy, is how a baby is made. So her pussy has to be a black hole, is that right? Yeah, basically. Anyway, so filled with lust and focus,

you say, Only you I place my touch, for only me you'll burn with lust. Through day and night you'll fantasize of lying in between my thighs Dreaming of kissing me up and down

Your penis will harden and stand profound Throbbing, yearning, your body will ache Your quiver hard and terribly shake Craving my vagina and juicy mouth, you'll feign to stick it in and out. A terrible couplet for so many reasons. Still better than everything

we did in that last poetry episode. That's true. Panting and lusting fiercely, you'll come running now to me! That's true. That's true. Panting and lusting fiercely. Fiercely. You'll come running now to me. Nice spell you sis-breeder stem. And your little dog, too.

And then do some other shit. I don't care. That's all right. I'm super hard. Good job. Thanks don't care. That's alright. I'm super hard. Good job. Thanks, Willa. Hey, Willa. What are your favorite

six movies? Do you have a top six movies? I do. I do. What are your favorite six movies? Number one, The Craft. Number two, Hocus Pocus. Number three, as a surprise, The Witches of Eastwick. Number four, The Witches. Number five, Practical McGick.

This is the best witch family movie. And number six, The Coven, best male witch movie. Okay, so a couple questions. First of all, none of the series of the witchcraft movies? There was like 12 of those. Even Witch Board or, you know, Halloween 2 Season of the Witch. That's Halloween 3. Is it?

Yes, it is. Shit, I'm embarrassed. Also, how come no Little Witches, the cash-in that was made after The Craft, where it was The Craft except for it had nudity in it? Why is that not in there? Wait, there's a craft that has nudity in it? Yeah, it's called Little Witches. It's the movie The Craft except for this one

has nudity. Yeah, guys, we need to wrap this episode up. What about the first third of Four Rooms? Oh, God. Okay, well, now that we have taken care of our animalistic desires, I think we're on to somewhat more important matters. So, Boots, tell me which of these important matters would you like to solve.

Would you like to help a burrito stay sealed and wrapped? It was the aluminum foil spell. Or would you like to boost your cell phone signal? Oh, shit. Oh, God. Go for the burrito. Burrito. All right, burrito it is.

Sorry, something inside me was just telling me that I should go for the burrito. That's burrito it is. Sorry, I had something inside me that was just telling me that I should go for the burrito one. That's witchcraft right there. So what's your name? I'm FallenLeaf01. Also author of the Move Cloud spell. You'll need the following

items for the Move Cloud spell. Nothing. Stand there screaming at the sky and waving your arms. Get out of here! Spell description, command of the clouds. Anyway, so help me, help a burrito, stay sealed. Yeah, I'm wrapped. I know this is kind of silly. But crazy useful for me because I love burritos.

It worked for me. Here's what you're going to need. A burrito. Okay. Is that literally it? Casting instructions for... That's actually it. Holy fuck. Okay. What else do you think you would need, Lemon?

You know what? I gotta say, magic is more cost effective than I thought it would be. I thought you needed a lot more shit. Here's casting instructions for help a burrito stay sealed and wrap spell. Wrap your burrito in a hole. Wrap your burrito

in your hole. Keep going. Wrap your burrito in a hole. The part you want to seal with a small amount of pressure. Chant once. Make my burrito seal. My burrito is a big deal.

Ooh, yeah. That's a Sir Mix-a-Lot rhyme right there. I can feel my burrito sealing right now. Sorry, chant once. Make my magic burrito seal. My burrito sealing right now. Sorry, uh, make my magic burrito seal. My burrito is a big deal. My magic is true and real. Earth, wind, fire, and sea.

As I say, so mote it be. So mote it be again! Again! Our last spells of magic had that. So mote it be. Yeah, spell doesn't work unless you say so mote it be at the end. Or last spells of magic had that. So mote it be. A spell doesn't work unless you say so mote it be at the end. Or make it so.

Or make it so. So I have a burrito, but I don't have anything to wrap it with. Right? But then I wrap the burrito. You wrap the burrito in the burrito. It's a recursive burrito. You wrap the burrito in the burrito. It's a recursive burrito. Yeah. You wrap the burrito in the burrito chakra.

Oh, right. Of course. Yeah. You're creating a burrito continuum. All right. Well, I have, you know, now that we're taking care of that, I have a nice, good, terrific, wholesome spell for Nutshell. Nutshell, your name is LonelyGlobe0

and this spell is called Woman's Feet and Spell Plus Guide to Using Spirits Forward Slash Souls Inside Woman's Cloths No Kids. Wow.

It's not the full name of the spell, Lemon. I like that the spell title just gets cut off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when they were building the site, they were like, well, clearly no one would use that many words in the spell. Okay. Woman's feet and spell plus guide to using spirits, souls inside women's clothes.

No kids! Have you tested this spell? I myself personally cannot test this spell because it is for men only. Okay. There's a disclaimer that you have here that needs to be read. Oh.

Well, it says, not tested, may not work, and it has sex stuff, and it is for men only. Solf. Small, hairless, feminine feet and the ability to command spirits trapped in women's clothing.

Sulf? This makes me uncomfortable. I imagine I'm going to get more uncomfortable. Probably. Not tested. Okay. Oh man, they're really about the vaginal fluids as a spell component, aren't they? Mm-hmm. really about the vaginal fluids as a spell component, aren't they?

Okay. Well, the first part, because this is a twofer, is women's feet warning all kids go away. Okay. Did we go through the ingredients? Did I miss that? Oh, no, we didn't. I'm sorry.

Okay, well, you need woman's feet. Oh, my God! Double, double toil and trouble! Just the feet, you know. You can use the rest for whatever. Well, let me look in the freezer with all the parts

when I got there. Thrice the brine and calf have mute. Thrice and once the hedge pig whine. Harvier cries, women's feet, women's feet! Wow, you were very excited about rolling that out, weren't you? Yep. Pair of women's

high heels. Bowl of water. V-string, like a G-string. With no cover patch at the front. Wait, what? Why would that exist? Woman.

Which I assume is a different woman from a woman's feet. A woman and different feet. And nail polish pink. So does that mean I need two pairs of feet? Because I need the woman, then I also need the extra woman's feet. Well, it's, you know, it's a utilization recipe.

It gets rid of the leftover feet that you have. Okay. Well, keep reading, and I'm just going to look up V-string. I just did that. I regret it. Have fun with that. Oh, really? Okay.

My turn. For women's clothing spirits. Hey, that's really stupid. That's not an ingredient. That's a prepositional phrase. For women's clothing spirits. Hey, that's really stupid. That's not an ingredient. That's a prepositional phrase. Four women's clothing spirits. One piece of woman's clothing.

Two candles. Works with shoes. Woman. Where am I going to find a second one? So you need two women and then women's feet. Haven't you been salting this stuff away all year? Well, Cindy works with shoes.

So to any women that are listening right now to the F Plus podcast, how are you doing? Ladies. If you're thinking to yourself, my vulva is just so comfortable, invest in a C-string and a V-string. You'll really... Now I need to find out what a C-string is. It's like wearing a G-string backwards.

No, the C-string is the C-string I knew about. That was like the... It's basically a cup. It exists, too. You could also Google that. It's also depressing. Good. All right.

Woman's feet warning all kids, go away. Go away, kids. I've had mine on my lap the whole time, but I guess I'll send her to bed. You both strip. The man needs to put on the high heel and shove the long heel into the woman's vagina. Oh, my God. What? Sorry, keep going. I'm sorry. What? The man needs to what? and shove the long heel into the woman's vagina. Oh my god! What? What?

The man needs to what? Shove the long heel into the woman's vagina after he's put on the high heel. Oh. He needs to. He needs to do that? He needs to do that. Otherwise you won't get Woman's Feet and Spell plus Guide

to Using Spirits Slash Souls Inside Woman's Clothes. No kids. And can it be about my needs sometimes, honey? Cloths. Okay, so we've got a man with high heels on shoving the heel into a woman's vagina. Then what? Then the woman puts her V-string on and releases vaginal fluid into the V-string from her vaginal fluid sacs, I'm assuming.

This is more awkward than it does gross at this point. All right, did that now be just okay? I'm storing it in vials. The woman takes the V-string off and the man scrapes the vaginal fluid into the bowl of water. Scrapes! Yep, scrapes. Yeah, okay. The man can put on the V-string for a higher success rate chance.

Then you pour the nail polish in and stand in it and shout, Oh, goddess Aphrodite, bless me with your soft, small, silky feet. And rid me from this curse of big, rough, hairy feet. And step out, and in two days you should have a pair of women's feet. Oh, I didn't even know that was happening. That's where he's getting nervous. Literally, I didn't even know that was happening. That's where he's getting... Literally, I didn't know that until now. I really didn't know what the goal was.

That was a twist ending. They grow out of your torso like an absorbed twin. While it has its problems and it has a way to go, I think that the sort of formalization of Obamacare means that less women are doing this discount pap smear. Erg. Say boots.

Say lemon. I got another choice for you. We got two different spells. You can take your pick. The first spell, by the way, thanks again to Amit for this submission. I believe looking at

it, Amit has done a lot of these at this point. He's starting to rival Montreth. It's happening. It's getting there. It's getting there. It's getting there. But yeah, thank you for that. And we do, on the FPL.us,

have a kind of new and hopefully easier to update system for the documents. So, universe submitted one, you know, try. It might be fun. Anyway, so Boots, are you looking... Are you want to read a dragon cash spell? Or would you like to read neopoints spell?

What are neopoints? I can't tell you unless you choose that one. Oh, but this is a terrible choice. Yep. Dragoncash spell? I can't tell you what that is. That one I literally can't tell you. I have no idea.

Okay, I'm going to go with dragon cash, because I suspect that Neopoints might have something new with Neopets, and I don't want to know. You are correct! Hey, there we go. Awesome. Good. Yeah.

It was a spell to give you... It looks like Neopets has some sort of freemium kind of thing that exists, and so the in-game currency, this is a spell to give you more in-game currency in Neopets. That sounds super useful. As a spell to get more friends to help you out with Candy Crush Saga. Okay.

This is the dragon cash spell. My name is user 93488. And this is perfect for starting out in dragon magic. Sorry. Ooh, my apologies. This is perfect for starting out in dragon magic. Oh, thank you.

I was confused. and dragon my geek. Oh, thank you. I was confused. So, I'm assuming the rest of us are all imagining like a dragon with a bandaid under his eye making it rain at the strip club? Yes, the rest of you are imagined dragons.

Boo! Boo! No. First of all, that's just mean making anyone think that they're imagined dragons. I was listening to this podcast, everything was fine, and then half an hour later, I sucked. You'll need the following items for this spell. Your mind, body, spirit, and will.

That's one. And belief in dragons possessive. In dragons what? Period. Belief in imagined dragons? Stop it! And why do that when you could have made a Daryl dragon reference? Belief in Ricky the Dragon Steamboat.

Okay, sure, that works too. I got a checklist of 80s wrestlers for this podcast. I gotta say, Jimmy Superfly Snooka has never showed up. No Coco Beware either. Casting instructions for the Dragon C cash spell spell

while saying the incantation think of cash coming to you do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do make a good

oh it was Johnny Cash that's a nice base for him. You can kind of put that together. We're there. We're all there together. Great. We did it as a team. I wasn't there.

Are we? That's one of those jokes. That's one of those jokes where if we were in person it would be like one of those nerd high fives where everyone misses. Yay!

All right, I guess this is the incantation now. All right, well, hurry up, because I'm running out of bourbon. Golden dragon of the horde, give this oon your magek word. I need the coins to pay my bills and stave away the winter chills.

I ask not from my whims or wants. I ask in need and from my heart. That doesn't rhyme. Oh my... Oh, fuck. This feels like a phoned-in fucking spell on this

fucking site. How dare you say that about user 934888? Expected better of user 934888. There's a link to mark this spell as spam. Can I read you the incantation for the dragon cleansing spell by the same guy? Yeah, you absolutely can. Although, man, I'm looking at similar spells right now, and they all look like blue Oyster Cult songs. Dude, sweet.

Call of the Moon Dragon. Fuck yeah, man. So yeah, this is how you clean your dragon. How to clean your dragon? How to clean your dragon? It's a dragon cleansing spell. The third movie in the franchise and not nearly as popular as the first two.

How to Train Your Dragon 3. How to Clean Your Dragon. So more importantly, Lemon, I don't know if you are looking at the incantation for Call of the Moon Dragon, but it reads like Blue Oyster Cult lyrics too. Sorry. We're all going to clean our dragon

Okay By mighty oak, ash, and thorn By all the oaths I have sworn I need the cleansing touch of fire Touch this Touch this With dragon's power Cleanse it with fire

Yay Touch this blank with dragon's power Touching my dick No it's supposed to Cleanse it with fire! There's a blank. Yay! It's a touch this blank with dragon's power. Touching my dick? No, it's supposed to... It's like the song Nookie by Link Biscuit. You sub in. Yeah! This is...

So we have another section to do on spells of magic because Ameet found a section that Portex did not. So I'm excited to get to there. But before we do that, we have one more spell. And that spell is... So, you know, pulling back the curtain for just a second, we started this recording and we were discussing, like, okay, you know, we've got at this point in the hopper,

we've got 51 different documents. A lot of them look really good. And we were like, well, we go to Go Racks to Spells of Magic. That would be fun. We have gone there before. Should we do that? But all of us at one point or another read, Love Spell, parentheses, girls only, please, unless you're gay.

Yeah, it was decided at that moment. Yeah, we did. There's no way we're not doing that. We can't not read the document with love spell parentheses girls only please unless you're gay. Yeah, so this is why we're here. So this is love spell girls only please unless you're gay. And this will make your crush love you. Parentheses risky.

My name's Unknown Author. And are we all looking forward to this? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, fellas, boots, Jack Chick. Yeah. You know, keep it quiet.

Keep it stum. This is not for you. But nutshell. I'm a little gay. Okay. Like how gay? 17 percent. gay. Okay. Like how gay? Like 17%. Okay. Okay.

Well, I don't know where that falls on the Kinsey scale, but that's fine. So, so, uh, so nutshell and, you know, 17% of boots. Um, okay. You're going to need the following items. So get these together. Okay. Uh, you're going to need cinnamon. Oh, you're going to need neck.

Well, these all are bullet points, but then there's a hyphen in front of them. So we assume all these things are negatives. We need to get rid of these things. Right. So anyway, you're going to need the following items. Cinnamon. Okay. Mint, but that's optional.

A voice. The voice. Okay. Okay, you got that? Okay, great. You're going to need love for the boy. Let's hear it for the boy. Mad about the boy.

You're going to need a picture of him. And him is not capitalized. I assume him is referring to the Finnish band. Oh, fuck you. I'd just like to remind everybody listening that Jack Check is the metal guy in our podcast. What the fuck? As if he would let you forget for even a second. Anyway, a picture of him and courage.

You're also going to need courage. But not a heart or a brain. No. Yeah, so you're going to need a picture of him and courage. So these are the casting instructions. Okay. First, take the cinnamon and smell it deeply. Think of its

bittersweet scent. Sneeze like crazy. The scent is warm and inviting. Picture your crush holding out his arms for a hug. Is that like a early relationship form of cuck holding? No, it's probably more like the tiny guys, giant women thing.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to crush hold you, little man. No, it's unmarried born-again Christian version of cuck holding. It's when you like a girl, and so you want another boy to hug the girl that you like. Okay, so you would say, In his arms, I'm intertwined. It's not I'm.

In his arms, I'm intertwined. Both's not I'm. In his arms, intertwined. Both our bodies are aligned with the sweetest lips for all to taste. We kiss without any haste problems. If we love,

if he loves me, let him say I am his true love today, tomorrow, always. So mote it be. Once again, right straight out true love. Today. Tomorrow. Always. So mote it be.

So mote it be. I feel like so mote it be isn't necessarily being used as a way to end a spell. It's just like, I fucked up this ride. Whatever. So mote it be. We're done. I quit. Make it so. Then kiss the picture and put it under the stick of cinnamon

with the mint if you choose it. Why? Okay. Then leave it on your altar until the next sunrise. So kiss the picture. So you have an altar in your room. Yeah, why wouldn't you? Apparently it's so moated bee is frequently in use from uh from neopagans yeah it's the neopagan

version of dropping the mic so again i was gonna say that there was another section on the site that is definitely definitely definitely workable look here and that is Forums of Magic. Because Spells of Magic has its own forum. And Amy's got a couple of these here. They're pretty good. Jack Chick, I think you should make a decision here. So these are two different threads that we can start with. We can either start with Reliable Shrinking growth spell oh oh oh no i don't have any problem growing my hair out so it's got to be the reliable shrinking okay the reliable shrinking

spell your name is uh thorn one okay and uh you're looking for a reliable shrinking spell. That's right. I'm looking for a reliable shrinking spell. Anyone know of any that work? And then Boots, you are JackAttack15. I'm JackAttack15. I'm the part of the game that makes the rest of the game useless. Yeah, absolutely.

Everything was going fine until you showed up. I'm the reason the bump girl wins. Also, she's smart. She knows all the answers to everything. Yeah, no, good cover. Good cover. Now she won't be pissed at you when she hears that. If you can't find one that's reliable, make one up.

I find that spells that I write myself work the best. If you can't write your own, try the old spiced water trick. Just write down what you want to happen, in your case, shrinking, in red ink. Red is a color of power. Seven times, seven is a magic number. Fuck you. Oh, but I wait. I heard that three is the magic number.

Yes, it is. It's the magic number. Yes, it is. It's the magic number. Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! That's a reference that's older than I am. Yes, it is.

Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets!

Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets!

Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets!

Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets!

Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets!

Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets!

Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Crickets!

Crickets! Crickets! Crickets! Critties! Critties! Critties! Critties! Critties!

Critties! Critties! Critties! Critties! Critties! Critties! Critties! it in a glass of water, add cinnamon. I don't have an aside for cinnamon. Okay, whatever. If you want the change permanent, add nutmeg.

If you want to make a nice apple crisp. Or, you know, if you want to trip balls and vomit a lot, depending on how much you add. Or if you really, really wanted to make mulled cider and decided that, you know, that... Sorry, yeah. Add nutmeg if you want it to last

seven hours. Drink it down. If that doesn't work, then you should try meditating. Open up your third eye and try it again. Just keep on drinking that red ink water with spices in it. Meditate better, loser.

And then back to Thorn there. Fat dinks for the info. I've been really busy since I posted this, but I definitely wanted to say thanks. I'm going to try it this week. Oh, okay, great. Well, that's good. You know, I'm glad that that's a problem solved. And that means that we can move on to Lost Pet Bird.

Can Nutshell take Ryan Baudet's... Sure, okay. Do I have to eat the paper? I'm sure you will say no. Eat the paper. Eat the paper. Eat the paper, Ryan Baudet. I can't eat the paper!

So we can move on to Lost Pet Bird Please Help, and that's a nutshell. Your name is Help Sparrow? So you're a sparrow that lost a bird, I think. I lost my bird and I think I may have found it. It's been spending all its time on ehelp.com.

He gives pretty good advice. Hello. I lost my beloved pet bird into the wild and has not returned home for a week now. Tried to search everywhere near our premises and beyond. Tried to put flyers and kept her cage

and favorite items outside home for showing her the way back, but in vain. I miss her a lot and I am afraid about her safety, as she was never exposed to wild before. Spoiler alert, your bird's dead. Oh, yeah. Can someone suggest a spell to return my pet back, or at least

see her safety? She was hand-raised by us, and was like a baby in our family. Help! The idea of, like, a lost pet sign when it's a bird is sort of an extra kind of futile. Oh, hey, it's that bird that somebody owns. I recognize it.

I'm going to lead it over here. But All Black has a solution and I'm All Black. If you have a picture of your bird, write the word reach as many times as you can over it nice and bold. Then burn

the picture and forget she went missing. Magic only works if you're not thinking about it. I know that we did a couple of spells about lust, but there is a forum post about it

that I think is important to read. So Boots, you'll start it off with Elizabethanine? Elizabethanine. Elizabethanine. Oh, okay. Elizabethanine. Hi.

I would like to ask for help in creating desire and uncontrollable lust within a young man I have met. I want him captivated and enchanted and thinking of me, yearning for my touch. He will contact me. I have some magical capabilities. Oh, well, here they

do mageek, so I think you might be on the wrong forum. Oh, damn it. Appreciate much help on spells without too much equipment. I have his first name and a photo. Thank you all. Elisabetho. I remember

reading about love spells in Anton LeVay's Compliate Witch. Oh, god. Alright, settle in. This might be Marilyn Manson. Might be. Maybe.

It's old, and you can probably find a PDF of it online. My advice is to look pretty without looking sleazy. No belly showing. That's true. Bellies are sleazy. And show an interest in things he likes. Tattoos,

body hair, and especially fat are a turn off to some guys. Best of luck! Best of luck to you! Holy shit. Hi, now we know what Janusfire10 likes in women.

Thank you, Grandpa DeSaud! Hi. Thank you, so if he likes me already, I don't need a spell, do I? And if he isn't bothered either way, like he likes me a bit, then will a spell make it more likely to happen?

Well, which of the guys in One Direction are you trying to land? All of them. Was there a moment where you were trying to pull the name of one of the guys from Underworld? Neil, I think. Okay. We've had a lustful meet.

Well, we've had one lustful meet. But things went right at the moment. So I need to make it happen. Again, please, can you help me? So I need to make it happen again. Please, can you help me? It seems pretty obvious. I mean... Okay.

I guess not. Yeah, I mean, one of two things happened after your lustful meet. And history kind of writes itself at that point. Magic's not going to help you. Wait, what do you mean? Well, I'm saying that five minutes into fucking you. When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much. Yeah, I'm saying five minutes in when you shouted,

bite my neck, bite my neck, oh my god, bite my neck, and he stopped and left, he's not coming back. That's not a story from experience, by the way. So, eggs in folk magic. Good. It's a topic that we're frequently talking about. Yeah. Eggs in folk magic. Egg, parentheses, mainly chicken, question mark, S? topic that we're frequently talking about. Yeah. Eggs and folk magic. Egg?

Parentheses, mainly chicken? Question mark-esque? Everybody loves a good Ostara egg. We praise you! Represented the very vital force in many cultures. Since the ancient Egyptian, even earlier. But some of the first spells using eggs can be found in recipes of Heka magic.

Which is like hella magic, only slighter. However, it seems that egg, Psy most appreciated in folk, parentheses, space, lower, space, parentheses, magic, space, comma, space. No, it's not magic. No, you're saying... Oh, you're so right. I'm so sorry. McGick.

And then some more spaces. Where its power is used in its full extent. This is indeed a large and seemingly inexhaustible topic, so I shall try my best to cover the most important of it. In... Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, my God.

In Hoodoo, many items in Hoodoo can be used for great good and evil, like entities, Crossroads God, for example. So can egg. We can rub them all over our body in order to absorb negativity. Best if it's a brown egg purchased on midday that are later thrown into a stream, off house, or even on crossroads. Black end hags are very powerful in folk craft. So are in hoodoo. Used for cleansing and purification and even for love.

Also for crossing and hexing an enemy, even to bring death. Also, for crossing and hexing an enemy, even to bring death, sometimes in harder work spells, it is required that an egg be laid by a hen that never has laid eggs, or that is laid on a particular day, maybe even an hour. Eggs can also be used to banish someone away in hoodoo, as in this example. Okay? So, to make someone go away.

This is just a free spell. Like, you didn't even look for one. I'm just giving you one. To make someone go away, it is necessary to go to the place where the enemy gets his water, a pump or a hydrant. What if they get their water from the sink? Then you break into their goddamn house. Okay, but those are the only cases. In

a rural area, or his own sink elsewhere. What? Oh, that was, okay, so I are the only cases. In a rural area or his own sink elsewhere. What? Oh, that was... Okay, so I actually answered your question. It's just that I fucked myself up with weird punctuation because there was a period. So his own sink would be the answer. That's fine.

Okay. Draw some of that water, and as the sun rises, throw the water as far away from you as possible. Then break an egg on the ground. In three days, the person will leave town. Why is there water all over my floor? Why the fuck is there an egg on my goddamn floor? Well, hang on.

Did that not work for you? Because I have an even better plan. To send someone away with a rotten egg, obtain a rotten egg and write on it nine times the name of the person you want to send away. Also, write where or how far away you want him to go. At midnight, take it to the person's home and throw it against his door.

Sit back and wait for the restraining order. Then you get a couple of pieces of wood and you assemble them on his lawn and then you light it on fire. Yeah, totally. It's so simple. All you have to do is commit a hate crime. I talked about a bunch of other shit.

So in Santeria, I don't know what that is, but maybe it's a form of witchcraft. Do you practice Santeria? I don't practice Santeria and I ain't got no crystal ball. Fuck you, fuck you. So anyway, question mark. Place an fresh egg in bowl of holy water, and place under patience.

Bad. Making a sign of a cross over it three times and saying prayers. Place a sprig of basil and some salt in it, too. Let it remain undisturbed for three days. Well, somebody saw the believers. scorpions, or even small snakes. Well, somebody saw the believers. And then I have a spell about lighting a coin on fire, but it's really long. So that's me.

I'm Obscurus. And I was actually trying, I was about to close it out, but then Boots pointed out to me that I missed one. And that's a great point. So, we're gonna go back to the spell, because... I guess Boots, you should probably take this then. So, this is called the Ugly Werewolf spell for you and others!

Yay! Yep. So, Boots, what's your name? I'm Blookwitch2. I'm Blookwitch2. I'm Bluckwitch2. Okay. You'll need the following... Sorry, I've got to describe this spell. This works, because if it wouldn't,

then I wouldn't tell you to waste your time getting those ingredients. Hey, Bluckwitch2. Before you tell me about your spell... Yeah? You know, I think it's important to prove, you know, credibility. Yeah, okay, sure. So, can you tell me about your spell yeah you know i think it's important to prove you know uh credibility um so can you tell me anything about yourself yeah i'm a black witch i create black spells only like death love me or death hurting bad luck spells etc i usually use black spells when i cook. That's my favorite.

I don't need a wand. I have something rare called the special finger. Don't get me wrong, I still pray every night and morning for my almighty God. Love you, Jesus! And Jesus winks and points back

at you. With you always. Finger guns. Yeah, yeah. Totally double guns. If you want any death spell, contact me. Thank you. Blessed be.

Okay. Well, you've so far... I think that person's a little confused. You've done... One of my other spells is called Die with the Tigers, but we're going to get back to... Oh, awesome. We're going to get back to this. We're going to get back to my spell here, the Ugly Werewolf spell for you and others.

I think Die with the Tigers is a White Lung song. It is. It's the wrong witch. Yeah, Ugly Werewolf spell for you and others. You'll need the following items for this spell. You need worms, lake water,

two inches of your hair. Not sure if that's one strand or not. You'll also need stress. Okay. So there's two different

means of casting this. The first is casting on you. Do this every day for a week. Okay. So get lake water, put the worms in there, then put your hair in there. An hour later, take the worms out, and your hair,

put the lake water on your face, legs, etc. As if it's lotion. Then be in the sun for two hours, and think about negative stuff and have stress then eat only fat foods every day then on the last day of the week say I want

to look so ugly I want to be a pity I want the boys to say oh look at her I don't want her no way so so you're an ugly werewolf, but you're also hot. It's like a siren kind of thing

where they're just attracted to you. Nope. Just ugly. Oh. Okay. They're not attracted to me. They don't want me. No way. I really want to make sure that everybody hates me. Anyway, that's how you cast it on yourself. Cast it on someone else. Ooh. okay.

Get lake water, put worms in there, then put the person you want to look ugly's hair in there, and take the worms out and the person's hair, and give it to them and say that it is special lotion, and that they should try it on. Okay. And then give them fat foods every day. Take them out to the sun for two days a week,

for two hours, and talk about stressful stuff. Like your bills? Yeah. Yeah, I'm really having trouble paying the mortgage, and, I mean, you know, like, James loves me, but, like, I don't know, like, the spark just isn't there anymore.

Oh, sure, that's hard. Are you supposed to stress me out or bore me? Why are your arms so hairy all of a sudden? Have you been spreading a bunch of fucking hair on them? So a sign opposite of a tangent? If you've done these, by the end of the week, you

slash or the person will look ugly. People won't be able to stand you. Great. So, Boots, I gotta say, as you were

reading this spell from, uh, Black Witch 2, uh, the rest of us were looking at all of the other spells from Black Witch 2. Yeah, I saw that. Uh, so, so, uh, yeah, so, uh, uh, Black Witch 2 has done a number of other spells, such as, you mess with the wrong witch. Uh, Jack Chick. Mm-hmm. Take that. spells, such as You Mess With The Wrong Witch. Jack Chick. Take that.

Well, do this spell. You're gonna need some shit, but it doesn't matter. Here's this spell. Now you're messing with the wrong witch. When you see your enemy, say this loudly with a feeling power building up in your body. See you later, alligator. No more fighting because you're a hater.

See you in hell where you will burn. It is true, not what I heard. So mote it be. So mote it be! Ding! The other, you know, Boots, why didn't your spell have that in there? Well, it didn't moat B. Okay.

It's important. Not all spells moat at B. So, my name is Black Witch 2, and my spell is called Die with the Tigers spell. Yeah, you'll need some stuff. Die with the Tigers spell! Uh, yeah, you'll need some stuff. Die with the tiger spell. Oh, jeez. This spell is for some of you hate enemies. And they will be out with tigers as they eat your enemies.

If you use this for some silly reason, then there, it could be backfire, but for no backfire, use my prevent backfire spell. No collateral damage, motherfuckers. Yeah. Okay, so casting instructions for the die with tigers spell spell. Okay, so point to the person or the person's picture and say,

Tigas mighty will eat you. This, yes, this will do. All the things that you've done to me. So mode a B. End of spell. Great spell. Fucking wonderful. Hit the showers.

Note. Okay, quick note. They may or may not transport immediately or when the drive, they will get lost in a place with tigers. Somehow they will end up with tigers. Yep, okay. It will only work if you believe.

If not, you didn't do it well. Yeah, okay. It will only work if you believe. If not, you didn't do it well. Yeah. Okay. In a nutshell, do you have one? Yes, I do. It's called the Love Me or You Will Die. Oh, God.

You will need the following items for this spell. Salt, lemon, hi, lemon, water, pulp, salt, lemon. Hi, lemon. Hi. Water. You need me? Pulp, lime, and watermelon. Well, I like to help, so yeah.

Tell me what I can do. Get the ingredients and mix them together. Okay. Tell them it's called watermelon orange juice. If they decline, put it on your hands and touch your crush. Then instantly, he'll love you if he doesn't make him die by saying bye bye kill kill see you in hell this is like cutting room floor Batman villain.

That's not going to work at all. Jesus, Chrissy from accounting was chasing me around with this goop on her hands. I think she's psycho. Holy watermelon goop Batman. Boob man. Holy watermelon boob man. You want my watermelon orange juice? No thanks.

It's not a spell. I know. It's watermelon orange juice. Gross. So, F+, what did we learn from this other than Black Witch 2 is terrific? You know that JT had a lasting impression on us? Yeah. McGick is like,

we're just like, no, that is not pronounced magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I fought that immediately. So did I. Yeah, I didn't like that spelling or that pronunciation of magic. And then I realized,

no, that's right. M-A-G-I-C-K. That's called McGick. Yep. I learned that McGick can get you anything you want without repercussions. Yeah. Now I start my reign of terror. Okay, what are you going to do? What are you going to do for your reign of terror?

I don't know. Kick back, watch some Netflix, you know. Cool. watch some Netflix, you know. Cool. Oh, can you come up with a magic spell that makes the Netflix queue actually recommend me stuff I'd like rather than, like, Jim Norton stand-up specials or things on the Discovery Channel I don't want to watch? Yeah, top picks for...

I think that's a higher grade of magic than I can wield. Okay. Just take top gear out of the recommendations, if at all possible yeah the top picks for boots always has like something in there that i when i when i hover over it it says you'll give this one star so it knows i'll hate it yeah it's one of my topic i guess i guess it does know me rather well yeah it knows how much you like to watch this so yeah i i think that like uh there was a point in there where i um one of the pieces that we read um just kind of based on avatar alone i felt like that spell was being written by a troll right

and i was like okay but this is kind of still funny so whatever but then as the piece went on i realized that the piece that and i'll i'll figure it out but like but the piece that seemed to be written by a troll was completely indistinguishable than all of these other pieces that i'm that i feel are probably genuine and that's I don't know if that's damning on somebody, or if it just means that I just expect so little. But the people that are actually putting these spells together, and anyone that would sign up for the site to fuck with those people, they're both speaking the exact same language.

I guess one of the really neat things about this is... It might be a thing we observed in this last time we did this site. But so many of these it's really handy that magic can be used to accomplish all of the ordinary mundane things that

you can do without magic. Yeah. Also by doing them the same way but then saying so moda be at the end. It's much less efficient, but there's a rhyme in the middle. Bathroom cleanser, clean my bathtub, so moded B.

Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub. The website is always thefbl.us. We have a forum. I can't remember where that is. Oh, it's Ballpet. That's B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. So mote it be. So mote it be.

Yeah, there was recently a thread on there about the hangover pity party thread. And 8meat came in to post, I've never had a hangover. Bye. And also very very fun announcements first of all we've been doing these limited run of stickers and so by the time you're listening to this

unless they're sold out there are stickers where you can get it's a sticker of a man's face the man kind of looks like Adam Bozarth and then it says and then it says HypnoBoods made me gay you can get a sticker of a man's face. The man kind of looks like Adam Bozarth. And then it says, and then it says,

HypnoBoobs made me gay. So if you want a two inch by four inch sticker that says HypnoBoobs made me gay, you can now make that dream into reality. Those stickers are available and they will also be available at F Plus Live 4. F Plus Live for F plus live for in, uh, grumpies in Minneapolis.

That's October 4th. That's a Sunday. Uh, we're going to be doing a, uh, an all day kind of thing. Uh, you know,

along the same lines as the other ones, uh, lots of booze, uh, lots of partying, lots of probably hung overness by the time we're there. Uh, but I think,

uh, there's a lot of people looking forward to it. It's tradition now. Yeah. So if you can make it, you should definitely try. And we'll see you there. Now plus live. Bye-bye.

Bye. Okay. Tonight's moon is the waning crescent. 46% full. Oh, okay. Does that matter for anything? No, I'm probably wrong, but... But... Isn't the phase of the moon somewhat geological specific?

I mean, does everyone get the same view of the moon? I don't know. All I know is that it's waning, and so you should bring your umbrella. I enjoyed that so much more than I should have. Too bad I didn't make any good jokes during the actual episode. That's recorded. You need to get in a time machine.

Go back about six years. Knock on Dick Van Dyke's door. Oh, okay. Alright, this is a real young female writer with some zazzle. Give her your w waiting crescent joke. I like that the setup for the joke is someone saying, give me your waiting crescent joke. Well, Johnny...