The F Plus - 194: r/ecuseyourself

Episode Date: November 17, 2015

No matter who you are, Reddit has something for everyone. A few examples include: complaining about women, complaining about video games, complaining about women playing video games, or (to our collective delight) sharing your terrible drawings of dragons. "But what about me?" asks the person who wants legal advice. "Where can I go to seek legal advice over... say... me being fined $2,500 by the man for thoughtcrime?" Welcome to r/legaladvice, weary traveler! Why not order a flagon of ale and share your embarrassing and impending legal doom? This week, we're having a sale on Oxy Cotton!

🎵 Hello and welcome to the F-Plus Podcast! A terrible place, and there's terrible things. Read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boothrain Gear. I shouldn't have tried to stick my dick in crazy. Stog! I love the

down votes for trying to understand my situation and consulting more specialized people. Your friend on the internet, this is Adam Bozarth. I got off work and noticed I had a flyer under my windshield. How can a business do this?

Wow. And Lemon. I think I'm going to be jumped by two drudic addicts in my town. What can I do? I'm not talking to police unless they do something. Hey, F+. Hello. Hey, Lemon.

Hello. How have your lawyer fees been lately? Exorbitant. Through the roof. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Why is that, Adam? My roof fell down. So everything went through my roof.

Well, I want to bring you a topic that's a little bit of a combination of topics that we've dealt with before. So what I'm going to do tonight is present you with some legal advice from the internet. Right? I feel like we might have done that before, but go on. We did do it before, but the last time we did it, here was our mistake. That was on Is It Legal? Yeah, that was on Is It Legal? This time, it's from Reddit.

Yay! Reddit, of course, a very popular website, and that means that it's a good website. It's the McDonald's of the internet, Reddit. Reddit, McDonald's. Thanks, Doug. That's like a failed Bill Cosby joke. Reddit, noun, the verb. Saved.

Noun, the now. Anyway, so, Boots, your name is Redoid. Oh, wait. Yes. Oh, wait. No, I think these are all going to be from Redoid. But your question was submitted six months ago. And what is your question here?

It's Redo Did. Is female impotence or false representation to end marriage? MS. Mississippi? Mississippi. I married someone about a year ago. It has been rocky time. We dated three

years prior, and she was a completely different person during that time. Well, that seems like a problem, actually. Now she's a pod person. Stop dating shapeshifters. About four months after we married, she decided she was unable to continue having sex with me, claiming that she was being treated for low sex drive

in relation to a medical condition. Okay. Yeah, I mean, that was one excuse. I understand that you can apply for annulment due to male impotence, but does that apply to females? Wait, what? What? What?

Oh, no. What? How do you think the annulment process works, you moron? I can't get it up. He can't get it up. He ain't gonna put no baby in me! Anald! High five.

Also, if she knew that the condition caused her a low sex drive before the marriage, she has suffered for six years on and off, but didn't disclose that, could it be false representation? What are you talking about? I'd like for this marriage to not have existed.

We have one child together in Mississippi. Why don't you get back at your fucking time machine then, Captain Spaceman? I feel absolutely like you, and I feel like she misrepresented what she could offer in marriage just to get a ring on her finger. Yep, this is Reddit, alright. I, Jennifer, promise to have and to hold and to rob that dick! Starving that dick. Would this affect child support? Effect child support?

Or custody? Since she tricked me into marriage. Oh, here we go. Women are the devil. Men are the righteous. Men are the victims. This is Reddit's fucking MO. When the penis is the victim, everybody hurts.

My name's Gray Wood, and I have 16 points. The fact that you were unaware for such a long time and I have 16 points. The fact that you were unaware for such a long time and conceived a child with her would likely take that claim off the table before you even start to make the low sex drive is permanent impotence argument. Reddit legal advice So Adam Yes Do you have a problem with your sugar baby? Got a sugar baby Related problem yeah

Okay and you're a screwed SB Sugar baby cheated out of allowance any legal recourse no hi reddit i'm a 30 something year old female from louisiana here's my story oh boy after reading up about how it all worked i joined joined the site syncing arrangement in October and just began looking for a sugar daddy. I met an older gentleman. I've done that. It's capitalized sugar daddy, so it's

like those really hard to chew candies. Oh, I hate those. No, I'm so good. You know, ever since they outlawed the sugar daddies back in 2012. What? What? What? What?

What, Stog? They outlawed the candy back in 2012. Did they? Yeah. You know. What? You have to go to the black market to get a sugar daddy candy. Stog, I'm drowning in your joke.

I can see neither the bottom nor the top. You gave me a little bit of a a panic I thought about it for a second Wait, they're illegal? We all just sort of fell into a joke purgatory I'm just looking at the profiles Of all of these sugar daddies On seekingarrangement.com Let me tell you my story

I met an older gentleman who I enjoyed speaking with And we met for several dates. He decided he wanted to make our arrangement official and offered me $2,000 every month to see him for twice weekly dates. Before Reddit goes on a witch hunt, let me just state that. Okay. At this point, we had never had any intimate relations. All of our

conversations stated that any physical intimacy would be allowed the time to develop naturally. Naturally. Naturally. After the third old-fashioned. You see, when a daddy

and a, let's just say mommy, meet each other, and by meet each other, I mean one of them posts a profile offering the other person money in exchange for, let's say, sex, very much. Sorry. Naturally developing intimacy is what I am offering for money, for $2,000 every month.

Anyway, so. Naturally developing intimacy. Right. So what happened in your non-dubious situation here? Oh, well, we would basically hang out, go to movie slash, go to dinner slash movie slash local pubs and talk about all manner of things. He paid me $2,000 for the time we had spent for the month of November towards the end of the month. Well, shit, congratulations.

I know. Well, towards the beginning of December, he had become increasingly more and more jealous, often putting himself down and making remarks about how I must be seeking other guys because he wasn't good enough. I asked him if he wished to make our arrangement exclusive, i.e. for me to delete my profile on seekingarrangements.com and not seek any other sugar daddies.

He offered to pay me $3,000 for the month of December and pay off a student loan I had totaling around $3,000 in exchange for exclusivity. Naturally developing intimacy. Naturally developing intimacy.

It's weird how at one point the John that you purchased on a website ended up Naturally developing intimacy. It's weird how at one point the John that you purchased on a website ended up having emotional issues and control issues. That's an unfortunate side effect. Yeah, I'm going to

skip a little bit about how I got more money. So what happens here is you take the pith out of the equation by moving off the site. Yeah, and I'm gonna get to finally on January

7th, things kind of boiled over. He made another jealous remark. I got upset. And then I made a comment about how the money still hadn't come. And how I was uncomfortable with the arrangement at this point. He was not upholding his promises. That was always what it was about to me, Reddit.

Keeping promises. It's about trust and love, really. Oh, boy. Long story short, the arrangement came to an end, and I am now out a month of allowance, a paid-off student loan, and an allowance for the month of January as well, because there is no way I can find another sugar daddy by the end of this month.

So, Reddit, here's my question. All of the monetary arrangements... What did my father do to me? All of the monetary agreements happened in written form via text message. Do I have any legal recourse? It was written form. All of the monetary agreements happened in written form via text message, dummy. That's written. I had written.

Was there a lawyer nearby to witness this? These text messages? I don't know. Was a notary public available? I need a lawyer to witness this? These text messages? I don't know. Is a notary public available? I need a lawyer to witness it now. Do I have any legal recourse to seek out my, quote, back pay for the month of December?

Do I have any recourse to seek payment of student loan? I never suspended my weekly visits to him during this time. The only time they did not, of course, was when he left town to see his father! Also, while we watch each other twice

a week, it wasn't set in stone that I had to fulfill a certain quota of dates to receive the money. Thanks, Reddit! Smiley face. While we watch each other? Jesus Christ. Hmm. Um. Yeah. So, uh, you know, know like I remember

I had a contract dispute a couple years ago and the problem was is that like when we signed the contract we accidentally did it on Snapchat and then I couldn't find it later uh Stog you have a question about crosswalks right yeah I love crosswalks and I have questions

you love crosswalks and your? Yeah, I love crosswalks, and I have questions. Yeah, you love crosswalks, and your name is Scrippy Pups. Scrippy P-P-P's. Scrips! Scrips! I'm Scrips. Scrips? Scrips?

Can you accidentally drop something in a crosswalk? What? Yes. I live in a... Yes. You sure can. Yep. This is legal advice.

I don't know how crosswalks relate to gravity, so I was just wondering. No, it's fine. You actually can. Yeah. I live in a car city, which is a strong contender for containing the most obnoxious drivers. Four-lane crosswalk. I'm walking across carrying a baseball, let's say. Okay.

A few cars slow down to let me cross, which alone is a miracle. But some asshole, normally in some kind of luxury car, will inevitably speed through the crosswalk, traveling 35 in a 25 miles per hour zone. Do you clock him? Like, do you have one of those guns? Yeah. I picked up, found one of those guns on the street.

Can you imagine a man going 10 miles above the speed limit? I can't. I can't imagine that. I'm watching you. Now, as I understand it, California state law says that when you stop when a pedestrian is already in a crosswalk, I have the right of way. But this guy's not real, though. This guy that you are talking about Is not real

No I'm like a monster from a Stephen King novel Okay In what way I wear a clown suit and I walk While people are driving Okay You're very real then I've seen you before I'm like yeah

I am for real. So, I have the right-of-way. What if when that asshole is speeding his 3,000-pound Audi through my right-of-way, what if in the path of my crosswalk, I just happen to toss my ball in the air, and lo and behold, it lands smack in the middle of the Audi's windshield, right in the middle of the crosswalk during his illegal maneuver. What an exciting power fantasy you have. Somebody thinks they live in an anime

where they have split-second decision-making and completely accurate hand-eye coordination. It's like an O. Henry novel now. Who would be at fault for the terribly damaged windshield? The 3,000-pound speeding car through my right-of-way? Or the 10-miles-per-hour ball speeding through my right-of-way? So... Wow.

No, I'm trying to place this back, because, like... So you're in the crosswalk. Yeah. And then you throw it up in the air. So you do the, like, math. Uh-huh. Like, as far as, like, wind resistance and everything like that so that it hits it at the right time. Yeah.

I think you should do this. I think you should do this and not just, like, post about it all the time in, like, weird power- Oh, you know what? You know what's even better is, like you because it's only accidentally dropping it you have to be above it so you should go to a pedestrian walkway and then instead of a baseball use a bowling ball and then just drop it on the car and then when the police come cool run away that would make world's best pranks fine I mean who's at fault there He is the asshole

That asshole is for having An Audi Get out of the way of my bowling boy Hey asshole I'm Marilyn Blue Oh hey Marilyn Blue Sort of related some guy changed lanes Without signaling can I follow him home And murder him

Yes Thank you Marilyn Blue I change lanes without signaling. Can I follow him home and murder him? Yes. Thank you, Marilyn Blue. And then, Stog, you have a comment at the very bottom of this page. Hey, everybody, I'm back! Hey, Scrappy Pups. I'm back from terrorizing children in a sewer in Maine.

He gets up to some fun. I guess I figured as much, but unfortunately yes, the guy with the baseball would go to jail for a broken window. Yep, that's... You got it. Yep. You're under arrest for broken window.

A new kid, what are you in for? Broken window. There was for broken window. Hey, new kid, what are you in for? Broken window? There was a broken window somewhere. Oh, Ricky here, he's in for a dead mailbox. I think we're going to go to Tulsa, Oklahoma, which means that Boots Reingear is on. And Boots, you're bitty bitters.

Bitty bitters. Boyfriend got his third DUI on probation in Tulsa, Oklahoma. That sounds like something that happens every day in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Patsy Cline song. My boyfriend is a not-so-functioning alcoholic.

And was pulled over a charge with DUI for the third time last night. He's been really lucky with his last two charges. No jail time. No interlock device. Only fines and probation. Well, I think we're royally fucked now. Everything I've read online says one to ten years in prison for a third DUI. No slack. I'm scared

shitless. He's a shy introverted hipster kid. Can we get along? We can't go to prison. Anyone know what kind of shit show lies ahead of us? Prison. Prison.

Prison and probably another dui after prison do you do you i probably in prison too your honor i understand that my boyfriend is a public safety hazard but like look at his t-shirt he's so twee isn't he adorable he's such a hipster, not a hipster enough to use Lyft or Uber or to ride a fixie motor, a fixie bike home. Not that, I mean, like, what would happen if you pulled up Uber in Tulsa, Oklahoma?

I don't know. There's gotta be at least one pickup truck looking for some extra cash. The app would just be like, exclamation point, exclamation point, question mark. There's a lot of people in Tulsa. I suppose. I mean, just because it's in Oklahoma doesn't mean nobody lives there.

Fair enough. Don't send him to prison, Your Honor. All he's just going to do is drink a lot of pruno and steal a go-kart. He's going to do that outside of prison. He's a hipster. All right. So how are we feeling?

Are we feeling like we are up to read? I hate this title so much. Do we feel like we're up to read any Pastafarian or pirate lawyers able to help with DMV? Yes. Adam answered first. Here we go. Make us all mad, Adam. Hold on a second.

Any Pastafarian or pirate lawyers able to help with the DMV? So, I'm trying to get a driver's license photo wearing a colander. Oh, God! Shut up, shut up, shut up.

I've received a reply from the Idaho Transportation Department's driver's service manager that the department would initiate a phone hearing after I was denied by the DMV. Their denial didn't make much sense to me since it was just a printed copy. Sorry, sorry. I'm reading this with one eye.

Well, it's weird because you've gone four sentences without quoting Family Guy, so I understand that the energy is draining out of you. No gone like four sentences without quoting Family Guy. So I understand the energy is draining out of you. No, this whole thing is a Family Guy quote. Their denial didn't make much sense at the time since it was just a printed out copy of an article from New Zealand about someone who had won the right to wear religious headwear. It wasn't... I wasn't informed of a way to appeal, and it took a while

to find the manager. Do you wear the... Are you only allowed to go outside if you have that colander on your head? Is that how this works? No, I'm only allowed to wear it at the DMV. That's one of the tenets of your religion. This is my DMV calendar.

It's part of Pastafarianism is making civil servants' lives miserable. It's true. Because there is no God. I had taken in a copy of my letter of good standing from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Assuming that that would be enough, I cc'd the manager in an email to Bobby Henderson, asking for an email asking for a letter to explain my need to wear religious headwear. And he replied this morning, asking for a letter to explain my need to wear religious headwear. And he replied this morning, Prepare for a 5,000 word email.

You've just met your worst nightmare. And he replied this morning, To provide a number for them to initiate a phone hearing, to provide a number for them to initiate a phone hearing. I have checked around and have been unable to find a list of state-sanctioned churches, oddly enough. What should I expect from the phone hearing? And what do I need to have prepared? Thank you for reading. Two, six, five, headgear per section. Oh, good.

Four, nine, dash, three, one, brackets two, Idaho code. 6 5 headgear per section 49 dash 3 1 brackets 2 Idaho code every driver's license shall pair a color photograph of the licensee which shall be taken by the examiner at the time of the application is made the photograph shall be taken without headgear or other

clothing or device that disguises or otherwise conceals the face or head of the applicant right so just so without headge device that disguises or otherwise conceals the face or head of the applicant. Right. So without headgear that disguises. Okay. Yep. Right. It says that.

Can't wear your stupid fucking hat in your photo. Fuck you. Disguising devices would include anything that is intentionally used to obscure the physical identity of the applicant, such as wild eyes, contact lenses, spray paint, clown wigs, false bugs teeth, etc. Right. Pretend that hat is a clown wig and then fuck off. Because you're a stupid fucking clown. What are you talking about? I'm taking my fake religion very seriously.

You're at least 40% of the reason DMV employees are miserable. That same section of the code, I'll have you know, also states, a waiver may be granted by the department allowing the applicant to wear the headgear or other head covering for medical, religious, or safety purposes so long as the face is not disguised or otherwise concealed. If the examiner is unsure that a head covering is required for religious or medical reasons, i.e. temporary baldness due to chemotherapy, the examiner should request a letter from the applicant's doctor

or legitimate religious organization verifying the necessity. Unless the necessity is obvious, a copy of the letter will need to be included with the daily work. If you are unsure of the legitimacy of a request for head covering, call the driver's license student supervisor.

So, yeah, so you're like Homestar Runner, but I hate you. So, so it says right there, it says right there that these waivers are, like, at the discretion of the employees. Uh-huh, uh-huh, but nowhere

in the code does it say don't be a dick. Gotcha there. Alright, well, we'll have to draft up a new... Jesus God! It's like, it's like, it's like, like a group of people that like Spend their time just

Making Like MSNBC Talking points Just so you guys know there's a nice big section In the Wikipedia article For Flying Spaghetti Monster On headgear and identity photos And people's

Bullshit attempts to do this. Yeah, I knew that this was a thing. There have been people who have done it. I think there's like, one woman is like a former porn star in California. Former porn star Asia Carrera obtained identity photos with the traditional Pastafarian headgear

from the Department of Motor Vehicles in Hurricane, Utah. Oh, Asia. She's Asian.'s and presumably she's looks a little bit like Tia Carrera I'm guessing a little bit okay that's correct a little bit little tiny bit and as much as you look like Tiaia Carrera. Have I ever told you guys my favorite? There was a porn name. It was like, I guess, a parody porn name.

And it was Lindsay Ho-Han. Oh, I saw one. Her name was Gigi Allen. Okay, we got a winner. Oh, whoa. Okay, we got a winner Whoa Whoa Whoa

Whoa What happened? Yeah Also, they made a This Ain't the Big Lebowski XXX And on the box Like underneath the title it says Finally, somebody fucks with the Jesus Lebowski XXX and on the box like underneath the title it says finally somebody

fucks with the Jesus this has been the porno update brought to you by Squarespace Squarespace is not a lot for him are you looking for new furniture Squarespace can't help with that Squarespace can't help with that. Squarespace can't help with a brand new king-size bed.

Hey, shaving's difficult. Squarespace agrees. Squarespace can't help you find those audiobooks. Squarespace doesn't even know what an audiobook is. We all love snacking, but we wish we could snack healthier. That is also a problem with Squarespace. Squarespace cannot provide you with an adult

fantasy kit. Squarespace eats nothing but cheeseburgers all day, so fuck off. Need diapers? Don't call Squarespace. Alright, so Boots, is it time to seek legal help? Probably Okay

I mean, we should I mean, seeing as how we're on Reddit Legal Advice Yeah, alright Oh goodness I'm Kitty Kit Kat Kat I'm Kitty Kit Kat Kat I think you should have sex with the fucking spaghetti monster guy Okay Time to seek legal help Hey, I have a question for Reddit Cat Cat. I think you should have sex with the fucking spaghetti monster guy.

Time to seek legal help. Hey, I have a question for Reddit. Go to Reddit. I have a question for Reddit. I think you posted it in the right place. Hey, can you get Reddit on the phone? I own a Surface Pro, and last week my fiancé was sleeping on the couch, and he accidentally managed to unplug my Surface and sit on the magnetic rectangle part of the charger.

The next morning, I found a burn in the shape of the charger on his right butt cheek. I'm not talking a blister or anything. It was a crater on his ass. Parts of it were green, and other parts were black with char marks surrounding it. We went to the emergency room. We were told he got second-degree burns from the charger. It looks much worse than more people would think a second degree burn could look.

Anyway. Do you need Reddit grammar advice too, or just illegal advice? No, I'm good for grammar. Perfect for grammar. Anyway, like I said, giant crater, green, black, green black char marks horrible I already called Microsoft and they have escalated our case do I need to talk to a lawyer

I am not going to be satisfied if they offer me a new charger or something like that I'm looking for more compensation than that you know fiance of dude who got burned yeah you deserve compensation You know, fiance of dude who got burned. Yeah, you deserve compensation. Yeah, total replacement on your fiance.

This one won't sleep on the couch. What do I need to do here? Thanks to the individuals who have helped me out on this. I appreciate it. A lot of negative blowback, but there were a few who understood what I was looking for. Money! Thank you! Yeah. Okay, we can give you, we can replace your fiancé with the GQ May 2015 model, male model.

Does that sound good? What albums does the 2012 GQ model listen to? He listens to Maroon 5. I've heard he also is getting into Coldplay. Oh, boy. Okay. What sort of cocktails does the model enjoy? He enjoys Mai Tais.

I guess enough Mai Tais I could probably do with Coldplay. Alright, let's do it. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Mai Lures will get in touch with your Lures. Mai Tai Lures. So, Stog, you really messed up at work, right? Yeah, I really messed up at work Oh, you messed up

I messed up That's embarrassing I'm WorkJerk27 I really messed up at work And by the way, this is a cross post from r slash forever alone Oh, good Yeah Oh, good All Yeah. Oh, good.

All right, work jerk. My name is WorkJerk27. My favorite state is Arizona because that's where all the cool people hang out. So I work at a good, I work at a sporting goods store. Okay. And literally every time an attractive woman walks in, I'll head to the storage room and masturbate. Oh. What?

All right, work jerk. Every time. Every single time. Every time. Every time. That's why you have to work at a sporting goods store, so that it doesn't happen quite as frequently. Yeah.

Yeah. Except today, I got a little bit adventurous. Oh, no. I listed some daft punk on my headphones during my session. That's gross. Don't call it a session. I just wanted to get lucky, okay? I knew that was coming.

I'm WorkJerk27. Gotta love me. Do not. We'll log stories short. I didn't hear my manager knocking on the door and gotta love me. Do not. Well, long story short, I didn't hear my manager knocking on the door and got caught dick in hand with my trousers around my ankles.

I came here with my dick in my hand! I'm coming in. I'm coming in now. Oh, what? My boss flipped and said he had spotted some cummy-looking stains on the wall. Did you make cummy on this wall?

Somehow I was expecting that. He said he had spotted some cummy-looking stains on the wall and suspected there was an employee masturbating in the store. Either we got a work jerk or somebody's got a bad cold. Not me. I ain't the work jerk. Not me. Work jerk 27.

Work jerk 27. Ain't the work jerk today. 27 year old man jerking at the sporting goods store. 27. Ate the work jerk today. 27-year-old man jerking at the sporting goods store. Now, I admit, that was what I was doing was wrong, but I would just never come on the walls like some lunatic. Whoa, the plot thickens.

Listen, there's a lot of perverts around here. It wasn't me. Therefore, I believe there is a second racket. Therefore, I believe there is a second racket. I mean, maybe the Sporting Goods star only hires from Reddit, at which point that theory would hold up. This is going to be the JFK investigation of coming on the wall. Listen, I'm the one that got caught jerking off in the storage room, but there's another guy that's jizzing on the walls that's way worse than me.

Yeah, exactly. There's some Jack Ruby at the sporting goods store and he's jerking off all over the walls trying to frame me. So finish your post up. He sent me home for the day. It was this morning. Why did you take the day off?

And he said he will call me tomorrow. My question is, am I in any legal trouble? Should I look for a new job? Yes. Okay. I don't know. I guess get your references together. I'm really good at jerking off

when I see a woman. I'm for jerk 27. I jerk off to women at the store I was just looking at the other posts From work jerk 27 And one question he says is What would you say is more difficult Being a saxophonist

Or being a US Marine Being a saxophonist in the US.s marine band corps oh sure that would make sense yeah oh man that is fucking impossible yeah uh all right let's see i think you think i think boots you want to uh kick your wife out of your home, right? I'm thinking about it. Okay, well then, maybe you can get some Reddit legal advice on how to do that legally. Oh, God.

I'm, uh... Yeah? Sorry. I had to exhale in a weird way for a bit there. Yeah, you're just like, it's made that weird noise. I don't understand. I'm a legal throwaway 56. Don't throw me

away! And I want some advice on legally kicking my wife out of the family home. How do I? How do I? I was wondering what I needed to do to make my wife leave my family home. Burn some sage, piss in a bottle.

Background. My wife and I have been married a little over a year. We've lived with my parents ever since we married because your salary can't support both of us. I have not worked because I go to school, undergraduate, to get my bachelor's in English. And do you... Okay. It's impossible. It's impossible to go to college and work at the same time.

It's never happened. Once I have my bachelor's in English, I'll definitely have work. We've begun having tons of problems, and I just don't want to be with her anymore. She recently caught me texting and hanging out with a girl at school

at the same time. Just hanging out. You know how millennials are. They text each other in the same room. Disgusting, I tell ya. I think you're pretty cute, Devil Emoticonsend. I'm gonna write an Atlantic article about you.

Oh, this is so ending up on Slate. And she's being a bitch about it. Even though we aren't sleeping together, the other girl and I. Why don't you lay off, bitch? Anyway, we have a child together who she takes the majority of

care of. God, she always... Anyway, we have a child together who she takes the majority of care of. Anyway. God. She always. You have a child together. Sorry, you had a child together. She takes the majority of care of. Sure. But I do help out when not in class.

You are kidding me. Oh, my God. She has a stable work history and a degree. And she can't support you. Not a ton of savings. So I know she doesn't have money to hire a lawyer to make a lawyer further elevated. Yeah. And you're getting a bachelor's in English.

Your lawyer is lifting me higher. How do I tell her to get out? What? I thought you were... I thought we were in her family. I want to tell her to get out. Oh, it's my family. Okay.

My parents. Yeah, it's your family. How do I tell her to get out without her taking the kid? Just like that. I think you practiced your speech right there. Get out and don't take the kid. Get out of my parents' house. Believe the kid that I don't take care of. Also, you're a bitch. Get out of my parents' house. Believe the kid that I don't take care of.

Also, you're a bitch. Can I legally kick her out? What if she leaves with a baby? What are my options? I want full custody because I don't want to pay her a dime of child support. Oh my god.

Jesus. I don't say this often I don't say this often I wish bad things to you I really do save money on child support by raising the kid yourself so fucking dumb

so fucking stupid I liked it better when we were fucking and now things are hard she makes enough to support herself so she'll be fine I figured the baby could be cared for by my mom and I can use the income as my own when I go to

file for custody because I can't work and go to school this is going to end up on the news wow I need one of those little stress balls at my desk I'm going to go to custody because I can't work and go to school. This is going to end up on the news. Wow. I need one of those little stress balls at my desk. Do I need to file first? Am I asking if I need to file for custody before separation? Whoever files for divorce first wins.

That's how it works. Yeah. You go get the proper legal papers then you lick your palm and slap them and then it's all done alright alright I obviously need to win you guys over and I need to tell you how much of a fucking bitch she is

can I do anything about how she pressures constantly asks me to have sex with her. Is that harassment? I hate this woman that's like paying me to go to college

and wants to have sex with me. Fuck this bitch. I'm gonna take her kid and give it to my mom. What about the risque pictures she sends me? I haven't asked her to stop but I hardly ever respond. When I do, I'm very vague. What's wrong with this guy?

That's a nice ask. Could you do something about not ass, I guess? Thank you for this picture of your vagina. Can you empty the dishwasher when you get home? I'm on the other side of the room. Also, I go to college.

I'm hanging out with this chick. Don't be a bitch about it. When do I need a lawyer up? It's cooler than you. Do I stand a good chance of getting custody? No. No. Hold on.

Everyone says she's a good mom, and I know she has a job and everything. Right. But I don't understand why I have to suffer, because she married me. She can't accept me for who I am. I don't understand why I have to suffer because she married me. You can't accept me for who I am. I don't understand why she has to suffer either. But she's asking herself the same question. Oh, I hate you. God.

I hate you more than the Homestar Runner guy. You ungrateful he-bitch. Yeah, the guy with the collar on his head is looking pretty cool right about now. At least he doesn't have a kid. If I cheat on her with this chick, will it look bad in the divorce? I think you'll find... You figure it out.

Well, don't fill it. I'll figure that out. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. We're in Arkansas. Yeah! She's lived in my parents' house for a year. Yeah! We also have a joint checking.

Can I withdraw this money without telling her so she can't use it to get a lawyer? Oh, fuck you! She has her monthly salary directly deposited in it, so I'd like to do this by next week when her latest check goes in. I'm going to steal her money and her kid. I haven't told her about any of this. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I've got an edit.

She's making me miserable with her nagging and her controlling nature and constantly wanting me to tell her what I am doing and who I am with. I probably won't have a job for a few years. Yeah, probably not. The literal least you can do.

Well, wait, no. So you won't have a job for a few years? A few years. Why is that? Because I'm waiting until I graduate. I'm 26. Oh, my God. I need a 30-year-old recent college graduate

in Arkansas. An English major in Arkansas. 30-year-old English major in Arkansas. Divorced, too. That's not going to look good. Well, see, on his resume, work history, working on it. Stole money and kid from debt, bitch. Oh, I bet that guy has a Kickstarter somewhere.

I'm just hanging out with this chick. No, I haven't fucked her yet. She's so naggy. Help me start a streaming channel. I want to stream the video games. So, I was in Connecticut and decided to take a walk

around one of the cities late at night. I was walking around one of Connecticut's famous cities. I chose one at random, you know, through a dart at a dartboard. Anyway, it turns out I got a little aroused by an advertisement of Victoria's Secret. So I decided to get in my car and park in front of the advertisement to have a good, jolly time. This is a nice story. Well, apparently there was a woman watching me from far away, and she called the police. I can't imagine.

The police came and saw me as I was placing back my trousers. Wait, did he get out of his car and take his pants off? I decided to get in my car, park in front, then get out and masturbate. I just moved the car. Hey, what are you doing outside of your car with your pants down? What? What are you doing

outside of your car with your pants down? I'm putting them back on. This is the process. Are you masturbating in front of the Victoria's Secret advertisement? You're thinking of

there's a second masturbator. So this was at around 3 a.m. So people were not around except for the peeping woman. Right, yeah. She's the problem here. The peeping woman. When there's a car parked in front of a billboard. It's private property at that point.

Then the bitches show up i was not arrested but i was given a ticket there's a statue involved but my argument is that no it's a statue oh there's a relevant statue it's a statue it's a relevant statue it was it was it was right next to victoria's secret advertisement it really got me going my argument is that there is no ill will in me having a good time in my car when no one was around. Except for the peeping woman. She was invading my privacy. Listen, I'm basically the Edward Snowden of masturbating in my car. At 3 a.m., there is no one around...

I think you might be the Rob Ford of masturbating in your car. At 3am, there is no one around to disturb. If someone approached me, it would have stopped what I was doing. Can you stop jerking it for a minute, please? No, sir. Give me a second. No problem. No problem. No problem.

Just step out and put my pants back on. Take your time. The police never saw me beating it. They never saw me without underwear. When I was putting back on my trousers, my genitals were covered. Listen, at a certain point in the night, being out in public is no longer being out in public. Like, public becomes private.

Look, guys, I don't think you understand. There was a photo of a woman in a bra. What's a man to do, really? I was very patient, waiting until everyone was asleep. Coming down to a little bit more left. But Adam, I think it's time for a choice. This document, by the way, I forgot to mention, document put together by Cheapskate.

Thank you very much, Cheapskate. Showing a lot of restraint here. Only 27 pages. And for a Cheapskate doc, that is... That's a very light Cheapskate. Yeah, absolutely. Cheapstake doc? Yeah, something like that.

Keep searching for those stars, Cheapskate. Cheapstake. Cheapstake. Cheapstake. So, which of these would you like to read, Adam? Number one, urgent. My mom sold a dog to an illegal breeder unknowingly. Oh, dear.

Or invisible doctor spouse, inappropriate judge. No. Wait. No. No. Try the first word again. Oh, you're right. Invincible doctor spouse, inappropriate judge, CNN attorney's

spokesperson relationship against powerless wife. That one. This one. This one. This one, please. Well, okay. That mom gets off the hook, I guess. Invincible doctor spouse

slash inappropriate judge slash CNN attorney slash spokesperson relationship against powerless wife and minor daughter. Just a minor daughter. Just not. Dear readers, I am sending a plea to everyone out there in hopes to find and angel who will help me and my daughter. Are you a robocall? My divorce. What?

Oh, it answered me. That's weird. Legal advice. My divorce is ongoing for nearly seven years, years, years, years. Operator. Operator.

Operator. I am hoping that someone, somewhere, will read this and see that there is something very fraudulent going on. Very fraudulent, okay. I did not call the vacuum hotline for this shit.

I want to speak to an operator. Why did you call the vacuum hotline, Stock? I need a miracle of an eternity. I need a miracle of an attorney to come in and clean this mess. Time is of the essence. Everything I write is the truth. And I have millions of documents to prove it all. Millions? Wow.

The legal system world for people, W money. My husband is paying judges and all attorneys on both ends to give me nothing. I am pleading the public to help me. So he's paying lawyers through their ass? Yes. From both ends. Some money for the mouth and a little money up there. Justice needs to be served.

Something is terribly wrong here. Okay. If you are out there, please, I beg you, help me. I have everything to prove what I am saying is the truth. I have not been able to find one ethnic attorney, ethnic attorney, oh, damn it,

ethnic attorney, I'm getting really excited, to help me and my daughter. My attorneys are being paid off my, my husband. If I get someone to help me. My, my,

my husband. My attorneys are being paid off my, my husband. If I get someone to help me my my my husband my attorneys are being paid off my my husband if I get what whose hand my my whose hand if I get someone to help me there is

a lot of money involved my entire life is on the line line line line line please help so okay well I mean My entire life is on the line, line, line, line, line. Please help. So, okay. Well, I mean, you've got proof of something, right? Everything will be true. Okay.

To date, out of all top attorneys in Orlando slash Tampa, not one single attorney has been able to come close to getting a husband, to pay for legal fees and settle case for a fair judgment. There are unethical things going on. Someone needs to help, help, help. I am a housemaker with teenage daughter living in Florida. If I question their actions and question

the numbers and documents, they threaten me with court hearings. Read my behavior. Yeah. Do they know i'm a robot there's nothing wrong w my behavior nothing i have not done anything wrong the only thing I did is fight for my half after 23 years in marriage. There's a lot of money at stake. My husband, my whose hand wants to me to walk away.

W nothing. My attorneys all work for him. Him. Him. Please help. Help. Help. Help.

Help. Help. Please help, help, help, help, help, help. The humidity in Florida really gets to the robots. Husband is a successful doctor with multi-million dollar practice with hidden assets. Husband's attorney is a well-known attorney and a cnn correspondent oh sorry and a cnn spokesperson attorney judge husband have threatened me and daughter to be thrown out of house if i have refused to sign listing agreements to force sale of house so anderson cooper's threatened you

that's a cnn spokesperson so somebody who speaks on cnn's behalf oh okay kickback oh bullet points oh great yay this is proof now yay corruption inappropriate relationship are taking place between who's banned slash attorney and judge wow Wow, you are. You are fucked. Yeah, to be fair, this is Florida, so that's probably true, right? Right. Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

Bullet point. Judge admitted to no recollection of case or taking sufficient notes during trial. Both attorneys and judge continue to roll on case after judge stated no recollection of case after he sat on the case for one year year year year we want judge recused to have sufficient proof proof proof proof proof bullet point there is no accountability

for inaccuracies of numbers slash figures and there are two inconsistencies as to what there is also expert, expert, ex parte communications taking place. Bet judge and husband's attorney. I am denied access. I am denied access to card earrings. Access denied. Access denied.

That Florida heat's really getting to the robot. And am being forced to sell house in four weeks. Husband is in default on mortgage payments for one year and child support. Numerous contemptions. Numerous contempt motions filed against husband. But he has never been charged ever due to CNN spokesperson slash attorney status. There is a simple open shut case trapped in seven years of layers of deceit by Husband's

attorney who thinks he is a celebrity. I'm sorry. You're going to have to be held in contempt of court unless you've ever been on TV before. I find the defendant famous. And charming. We need an honest

ethical attorney who will help me and my daughter, who is suffering immensely, get a fair settlement and get judge off the case! Desperate and helpless for an angel to help me and my daughter who is suffering immensely get a fair settlement and get judge off the case desperate and helpless for an angel to help me please i beg you wow i uh oh my goodness somebody's replying in 20 point talk. Do you currently have an attorney?

If no, get one! Get one! Lol student says, Invincible Dr. Spouse. I suspected you were crazy from the title. The first paragraph confirmed it. You're welcome. Lol student out. Lol motherfucker.

This was probably going to be the last one. So, Stog, is it true that you were raided by the FBI and all of your computer storage devices Phone and more were seized Yes I was raided by the FBI

And all of my computer storage devices Phone and more were seized Okay Deleted They seized that too I kind of want to read this one for Doc. All right, so Stog. Yes.

This very well might be the very last piece here, but your name is Star Stuff Made. Star Stuff Made, yeah. We are all made of Star Stuff. So, yeah. I'm a Douglas Adams fan. Sure. And what did you want to talk about? There are possibly incriminating texts on a phone that has been confiscated.

What should I be expecting? More details below. Ooh, boy. Okay. You know, I guess it's weird that I'm surprised by the amount of creeps that have been in this episode. That title, though, is like a seven-layer burrito of creep. I'm surprised by the number of creeps on a Reddit episode.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm surprised that I'm surprised, but I'm still surprised. Creeps don't usually hang out on Reddit. But look, I got an upvote for my post, so yay for me! I'm the only one with an upvote. Bow down! Bow down to my one upvote. I'm going to follow this link to r slash dragon drawings.

Oh, boy. While I'm looking at drawings of dragons, what would you like to talk about? Dragons. So here's the deal. A few nights ago, my mom got a call from one of my teachers. The teacher told her she had heard that there was an

that theirs was an administrative investigation. As far as I know, no police involved yet, besides maybe the school officer, over drug dealing at my high school. Oh my god, these dragon droids are terrible! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's a total

distraction, but oh my god. Oh god, you're not wrong. Okay, I apologize. But, uh, reddit.com slash r slash dragon drawings. I like that dragon. This dragon's kind of sexy. This dragon's made of pencil. This is the new Andrew Day's Clay Google image search.

Dragons in my notebook. Awesome dragon, first one. They had to write the word fire and put an arrow in it. Dragons. This drawing is entitled I didn't really know what to do after drawing the head.

Can you guys stop interrupting my phone text thing? I'm so sorry. I was asked to draw a dragon with leggings. Dragons. Guys, you're interrupting my pose. Oh, I'm sorry.

And you had your phone confiscated. You were dealing drugs at school. Yeah, no, I wasn't dealing drugs at school. Oh. My name had come up for dealing Adderall as well as my name being seen with text messages on someone's phone that they confiscated. My name had come up. Here are the facts.

Okay. I have never been in trouble with the law before. I get very good grades and rent at the top of my class. Uh-huh. These are- You deal drugs. These are all things that we can start throwing away. What else can I throw away?

I am involved in clubs and National Honor Society at my school. Gone. And I am a respectable athlete at my school. That could probably help you out. Yeah, a respectable athlete.

I do football, but I'm not good at it. Doesn't do the dark side of athletics. Before now, administration would have known me and identified me as a respectable student athlete. A while back, I sold two of my prescription Adderall

to the kid whose phone was confiscated, as well as two of my prescription Adderall to the kid whose phone was confiscated, as well as two of my prescription Oxy-cotton. Oxy-cotton. Oxy-cotton. Do you have trouble getting the clean out of your cotton? Try Oxy-cotton. He was in trouble for selling his prescription Oxy-10 cotton swabs that he scrubs his face with. You can

huff those. No, it's up your butt. It's like the acne removal stuff already spread onto the cotton balls. It saves the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've been accused of dealing drugs and you've at this point admitted to

dealing drugs. Yeah. Okay. point admitted to dealing drugs yeah okay so go on as far as I remember there was no direct text message proof that I actually ended up selling it to him but we definitely talked about it here's what I am worried about a while back I was in a tight Monetary situation Uh huh Uh huh And thought about starting to sell weed or pills Uh huh

Your honor I was hard up Oh I've never heard that before Well extenuating circumstances No I don't think you understand I'm white Listen I'm a student in high school. And life is real hard if you don't have, you know,

that extra hundred bucks for whatever the fuck it is the kids spend it on. Neopets. Xbox Live, dude! Dank memes. No, Neopets! Listen, I need to be able to afford the hottest dank memes. No, Neopets. Listen, I need to be able to afford the hottest dank memes.

Need more colored pencils for my dragon drawings. I have one. I've drawn an arrow where it said fire. That's where the fire goes. My first dragon. No hate, please. I am in high school. My life is hard, no hate, please. Anyway, go on.

All I've got here is a cap ahead and amazeballs, and those are too old. I got a rare pape. All right, please read the post now. Please read the post now. I did text a couple people telling them that I was going to start selling again. Applying that I used to sell to make myself sound credible.

Oh, flawless! Oh my god! You have a way with words! I deal all the drugs, Oxycontins, horses. I'm like the pretender guy from that TV

show called The Pretender. And to let me know if they wanted to buy any just to see if I had a market to sell to. Uh-huh. Yeah, sure. Okay, cool. I'm a drug dealer. I'm a drug dealer. I'm not with the narcs.

I'm really good at it, too. A couple times, people did text me to buy drugs, and I did tell them that I could maybe hook them up, but I never actually sold anything to anyone besides those two instances. Except for when I did. Wait a minute. See, you were a high school weed dealer and you were unreliable? Well, I never ran

into that in high school. I was friends with the kids whose phone got confiscated, and we did talk about selling, and I did say a bunch of shit to make me sound like a badass incredible. None of which was true. Well, that's

weird! That must have been the one time you lied in your life! I haven't talked to anyone about selling on a little over a month, however, because I decided to stop being a dumb shit. Did you now? You're posting on Reddit legal advice, but I mean, whatever.

Yeah, exactly. I knew I wasn't actually going to go through with it. I don't know how much else they know, or if they have anyone else's phone or whatever. Well, what would they know? I mean, you're innocent. There are a lot of people at my school who actually deal drugs at my school who are much closer acquaintances with the game God is Vote Taken.

Right. What I want to know is, am I fucked? No question mark, just period, because I kind of know the answer already. Because I'm a fucking idiot kid in high school who tries to sell drugs. Listen, this guy is at the top of his class.

He's in honor roll. He's in honor roll. One of these days he's going to learn how to make a paragraph. Up until this point, you would know him as a student athlete. I realize that even though it was only four pills and there are people at my

school who deal some serious amounts of drugs, that it's still a felony and they can fuck me up the ass for it. Oh, here comes some of that honor roll language. You don't understand. Josh is moving like pounds of this stuff through the ports every night.

Your Honor, other people deal more drugs. I am almost positive that they don't have any hard proof that I've sold anything, but I don't know if anyone has ratted me out, any hard proof that I've sold anything. But I don't know if anyone has ratted me out, even for something that I said that wasn't true. I hope we have receipts. I hope those high school students are very reliable and keep quiet and don't crack under the pressure. Yeah, and wouldn't throw somebody else under the bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, man, there's a code. Look, I know I'm dumb as shit for what I did, so please, save the scowling. And just let me know exactly what I should be expecting, North Carolina. Dealing oxys in North Carolina. Stop burning me with water in North Carolina. Stop burning me with water, North Carolina. That's actually how it ends, too. What I should be expecting, North Carolina. This post is like a prequel to Heroin.

I guess... So, F+, what did we learn from any of this? Other than dragons are really hard to draw. Nerds are breaking the law. Nerds love to break the law. Nerds are breaking the law. Oh my god. And sort of like bragging about it, kind of?

And they hate their baby moms. They're just bitches anyway. They're like second mothers to these guys I don't think the legal system should be worried about these guys because they couldn't break the law without draw the word the law on a

blackboard and tell you to punch it so I don't think any of the four of us have like none of us have reddit accounts right like I haven't spent any I have a reddit account no thank you none of us have Reddit accounts, right? I haven't spent any time on Reddit. I have a Reddit account. No, thank you.

So my question is, is there situations where there actually is a back and forth from OP to the comments to... Because I feel like in every episode that we do, there never is. but I don't know if that's

just selection I haven't seen it I think there's definitely conversations that go on but they're just it's like Tumblr they're just like nested and it's kind of hard to read the nesting thing is weird nonsense and if you're reading a small conversation

it doesn't go anywhere and if you're reading a large conversation it's impossible to follow, because things get hidden. It's dumb, and then people are responding with memes are the things that get shown, because those are the ones people say, I recognize that, and they click

the up arrow. I'm up for that. Oh, you put a meme in your post. I can identify with that. I guess, I mean, it always feels like this site doesn't work because this whole thing is Reddit legal advice

and there was never an example of that. Never. The closest we got was that insane robot that was like essentially putting a craigslist ad like for a lawyer pretty much all the comments were just like yeah get a lawyer or you're fucking stupid go away

yeah but that's also the self-selected sample created by cheapskate of all the idiots. But I can't imagine that you're... Like, if you really broke the law, why would you tell the entire internet? It's anonymous. You use a throwaway account. It'll never come back to you, right?

Still. Yeah. Unless you need that sweet internet crud. I bet there's lots of helpful stuff about like you know defining property for fences when arguing with your neighbors well yeah i mean because i would assume that like there would be situations where like you could no you couldn't no you couldn't because like i was like i was like well you could actually get legal advice for like by these parameters but then that wouldn't work because then someone would have to like answer those same questions over and over again and that no one would ever do that so

like so this this concept doesn't make any sense no it's like a troll it's troll bait yep and idiot bait a little bit. And F plus bait. And F plus bait, yeah. Basically, this whole subreddit is just an invitation to say, hey, people, come read us. We're stupid. The website is always thefpl.us. There's shirts on it, or there is when I recorded this,

but the last time they sold it pretty quick. So they might be sold out again. Find out. Yep. And the forum... Shirts and stickers. It's called Ball Pit. Tell me something about Ball Pit, Boots. Also in Ball Pit, Chai Tea Latte

started a thread describing a Magic the Gathering celebrity who on a live stream went off on on an amazing like hitler was right kind of rant i kind of recommend reading about that because uh it is amazing can i go do that after we're done and one thing i don't think i've ever called out uh on ball pit uh but it still makes me giggle, is there was an episode where we did a

porno episode a long time ago and Kumquatsop was reading a guy and he said, I want the word anal to be replaced with the words monster cocks. On Ball Pit, if you type in anal, it changes it to monster cock. So if you type in the word

analysis, it's monster cock-esis. I figured by now I'd get tired of it. Yeah. No, it just hits my pleasure center every time. Yeah. And that and every time I see a smiley freaking the fuck out. Anyway, thanks for listening. Now go do something else.

Bye. Bye-bye. Internet. Internet.