The F Plus - 2: The Internet After Dark

Episode Date: October 8, 2009

This time we're getting a little sexy. Hear about fetishes you didn't know existed, and would probably prefer to be ignorant of.

応用してみましょう I give good head You give good head My parents give good head My grandmother gives good head My relatives give good head too はい、こんな具合に使います Hey there! Welcome to the F Plus Podcast.

This is episode two, and tonight we're feeling a little sexy. My name's Lemon. And I'm John. And also with us is our lovely and talented editor, Boots Reingear. Say hello, Boots. Hello, Boots. It never gets old. So, yeah, we wanted to bring you a little bit of the internet after dark, as it were.

These are going to be three pieces with erotic intent that may destroy your desire for sex. Possibly, yes. Well, for most people it probably will. For a select few, you're going to discover things about yourself you didn't know before, and I think it'll be really enriching. Well, the first one's pretty straightforward. It's pretty amazing. But it's straightforward in a very broken and amazing way.

And the other two have a nice little twist to them, you know, to change it up. But, you know, we eventually had to get to this eventually because I think badly written erotic fiction is just the meat and potatoes of the Internet. You've got YouTube, you've got Google, and then you've got horrible porn. Yeah, exactly. And what else do you really do on the Internet? The first thing we have coming up is a guide by a woman named Chevette. And that's Chevette, lowercase s, because she's a slave, so you're not supposed to capitalize her name. Or when she says I, you cannot capitalize the I. It has to be lowercase i.

Exactly. This is totally normal behavior for any type of person. Totally, totally normal behavior. Do not judge her. This site is, I would estimate, seven million pages. I've spent this week about four hours on it, just looking through different. Every time you think you're done, you click next and there's some new crazy thing that she's talking about. you're done, you click next, and there's some new crazy thing that she's talking about. And Chevette is just really into bondage. She really wants you to explore your bondage self. Well, and it's kind of ironic in a way because, well, what's not ironic is the graphics on the site, which are amazing.

Basically, they're old-school Amiga clip art type graphics, but apparently all drawn by herself, and they mostly feature bondage and a lot of copy and pasting of the same visual thing there. It's really something to see. Yeah, please do visit us at thethefpl.us because you're going to want to see some of these graphics and possibly more of the site. Our first piece here is about a page and a half off of Chabette's site

written by Squiddy McConwy and here we go. Our readers tonight are Bunnybread. Hey, I'm Acer Ock-a-lock-a-lockle. Acer Ock-a-lock-a-lockle. I'm Bunnybread. Hi. And Squiddy McConwy. Hello.

Alright, so there's that. I'm going to talk about bondage. Everyone got silent. Thank you. And in one of her other pages, she recommends that you, like, wrap a hair tie or a scrunchie around your wrist to really just get into it. So I have a women's athletic sock that I've put my hands in. And so I'm pretty well – You've got a sock pocket.

Tanner. Yeah, well, I have both my hands in it, and it's kind of a stretched-out Puma athletic sock, so that's hot. What color athletic sock is it? Okay, it's going to be hard to scroll the mouse, so I'm just going to wear the sock on the one hand and scroll the mouse with the other hand. So I have my sock. Okay. And we have our dick in hand.

What? Did you say we have a birthday? We have a birthday today? Okay. All right. to tell. To do bondage right, there's so much you need to know, and the tricky part is that you already have this information locked up inside of you. Somehow, bondage is 100% natural. Don't ask me how that can be. Just look at the facts. Bullet point one. On any evening while watching TV, you can expect to see at least one tie-up situation. Fact. Bullet point two.

How many times have you seen a set of handcuffs hanging from a rearview mirror of a car? How many people who are into bondage are willing to do that? How many people who do bondage use handcuffs? Most prefer rope. Handcuff users are in the minority. Bullet point three. 90% of Americans have bondage fantasies. 50% of Americans try bondage.

25% of Americans do bondage on an ongoing basis. 10% of Americans do bondage all of their adult life. And 2% of Americans live a bondage lifestyle. Keep in mind that most... Sorry, 2%? 2% of Americans live a bondage lifestyle? Of all Americans. That's a fact.

No, they just get arrested a lot, and they count that with a handcuff. That's all a fact. No, no, no. They prefer rope, remember? Oh, I'm sorry. Weren't you listening? Keep in mind that most people will not tell you that they have even thought of bondage or tried it. That should punch up

some additional numbers to those of us into bondage parentheses I have wanted to be tied up since an early age bondage frequently shows up before puberty and parentheses I didn't know bondage was a hormone. The first question we have is, why does this excite me? And it's followed by, why me? Why does this excite me? Giggle. I have heard a thousand reasons why.

I have made up a thousand reasons on my own. Here are a thousand. Here are some. The part of the brain that controls our sexual appetite is next to the part that craves excitement and violence. This one is nice. It's non-threatening.

To believe it, all I have to do is accept that my brain is slightly damaged or abnormal. It's like the, quote, morbid curiosity we all feel when we see an accident on the road. Oh, you mean I like the idea of being roadkill? I don't think so.

It's a latent image or memory handed down by some ancestor in our family tree. Kind of sounds like, in my previous life, I was a slave. Nah. I believe that memories are passed down to our progeny, but in a very weak way. In order to feel like I was a slave, using this explanation,

I would need to be descended from hundreds of slaves. In other words, since the time of cavemen and cavewomen. It's a primal memory. God, this is bullshit. Okay, let's look at this caveman and cavewoman thing. Okay, let's look at the caveman and cavewoman thing. I can see where women, being the weaker of the genders, would like to be as captive as a caveman, and this would run along the same lines as marriage. So if this is true, why don't all women feel as I do?

Maybe they do. It took a long time for me to admit my desire to be tied up. It is brought on by some kind of abuse we suffered as a child. This is the one, a shrink with love. Kind of goes hand in hand with you hated your mother. Give me a break, will you? We all suffer abuse as a child. It's

called adolescence. Shrinks like this one because it comes like a sweater. One size fits all. Or like a smitten. Or like a sweater. One size fits all. Or like a smith. Or like athletic socks. It comes on as a self-worth issue.

Some of us feel like we aren't worth anything, so we want to be a slave to be abused or a master so we can abuse others to gain a self-sense of importance or reclamation. When I first started, you could have made me believe this one. Not anymore. I consider myself to be a sense of importance or reclamation. When I first started, you could have made me believe this one. Not anymore. I consider myself to be a slave,

and as such, I am precious beyond belief to my master. The concept that slaves are like dirt is bogus. When the master finds his slave, he cannot live without her. That's just like when a slave finds her master, she can no longer live without her. That's just like when a slave finds her master. She can no longer live without him. If love is a bad thing, then give me the word. Some people need power.

They claim to be a master so they can have control. Others want to give up, not be in control and be a slave. Uh-huh, sure. Power play is a part of bondage, but it's a give type thing. A guy could take power from me, but he'd only get one chance. The beauty of giving is to have someone who wants it. The beauty of giving is having someone willing to give. Some people like to abuse and some like to be abused. So what does this have to do with bondage?

Bondage is not about abuse. Bondage is about sharing. Yay! Love sharing. Did you learn this in kindergarten? That has to be my favorite line. Did she get tied up when she was in kindergarten? I mean, what?

Didn't you, man? I had Play-Doh, then bondage, then princess, then milk. No, I went to a Catholic school. It was all anal sex. Oh, okay. Different strokes. Everything I wanted to know about bondage, I learned in kindergarten. So what have we learned?

Bondage is clean, natural, and fun. It has its rules. But you can add to it any way that you fun. It has its rules, but you can add to it any way that you want. It's safe, sane, and consensual. Oh, my syllabus S's are going to be... It's safe, sane, and consensual. You won't get hurt,

and it won't mess with your mind. That bondage can prolong the plateau before climax almost indefinitely. Indefinitely is spelled wrong, and that always drives me crazy. In a good way, though. Yeah. Desire. I love it. Give me some bad grammar.

Oh, yeah. Almost everyone thinks about it, and half the people you know either have done it or will do it. If I could bottle and sell it, I'd be a rich slave. Yay! If I were a rich slave. To that one, okay. One big part of bondage is making up bullshit statistics. I'd say that's a good 75% of it. making up bullshit statistics. Hey, hey, how do you know they're bullshit?

I'd say that's a good 75% of it. 2% of people in America are as broken as I am. This is about bondage. I have no idea what I'm about to say, so be prepared. A lot of good things have happened. Why? I will tell you about them next time. How good are they? Ah, the person from the

back of the room is still here. Dear, you can remove the scrunchie from your wrist if you want to. Alright. Goodbye, athletic sock. Oh, okay. Oh, you can wear it if you want. But I threw it over my shoulder. So, it's gone.

Why don't you want to wear the athletic sock? Because Covenant wore it, if you know what I mean. I was enjoying the athletic sock, but she told me to lose it, and so now it's buried in the... You know, bondage is about freedom. Okay. It's also about sharing. It's also about love. It's also about... Did you get that line out of 1984?

Bondage is freedom. Okay. I guess what I want to bring up at this time is what it's like to live as a slave. Well, no, that's not right. I'm not a slave, not a real one, actually. In some ways, I wish I was, but that's not right. I'm not a slave, not a real one, actually. In some ways, I wish I was, but that's not reality. Being a real slave most likely would be the pits.

Putting that much pressure on a man would be too much. Putting the pressure of being a cop... Wait, that's the bad part? Putting pressure on a man? Yep. Exactly! I just think it would be a hit. Slavery sucks, because think of the poor white people.

Jesus Christ. She really is the Uncle Tom of slaves. Putting that much pressure on a man would be too much. Putting the pressure of being the top that much would be more than anyone could stand up to. Putting that much pressure of being a bottom would be more than anyone could stand up to as well. We are talking on my site about being a love slave.

That's something completely different from being a real slave. Actually, my site deals with bondage, which is a way to enhance foreplay and or sex. I am the one who keeps equating being a love slave with being tied up. Getting tied up doesn't necessarily... Oh, and she's spelled necessarily wrong. God damn it. Oh, man.

It's pronounced the way she spells it. It's necessarily... It's pronounced. It's phonetic. It's just... Oh, well, maybe English isn't her first language. Maybe it's just your baby fish. I like that you're reading about all this bondage and that's the stuff that's really

irking you. It's wrong! I'm sorry about the damn spelling! Son of a bitch! They're all wrong. Oh, God. You get the feeling you'd be reading Mind Confidence. Like, there's a dangling participle there.

That's so wrong. This is our rally. Reading this book is my struggle. Getting tied up doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being a slave or being slave-like. To me it does, but we are different, and that's a blessing. and that's a blessing. I've done bondage as a game where I get tied up and my lover will tickle me

or tease me by bringing me to the brink of climax many, many times before letting me reach fufflement. And that is great. I know it really does sound like a baby talk word for orgasm. Fufflement? It really does sound like a baby talk word for orgasm.

And something to shout out next time. I've been fulfilled. Don't you mean you've been fulfilled? Yeah, fulfilled. Okay, cataloging for later. I do have a tendency to want to be treated as a slave sometimes, not always. This makes me want to think of myself as a love slave, which is something truly nice. Now, this is the argument against bondage, and I know it will keep a lot of people out of it, and I understand that.

It's equated with losing one's soul, and that's the bogus part. Certain things work certain ways. For example, if you want command, you take it. Command cannot be given. Well, it can be given, but it doesn't mean much. Oh. Just ignore half of the things I say. Put a group of people together and put one person in charge.

If that person is not willing to think in terms of being the one responsible, then it's not going to work, even if all the other people involved give that person the right to be in charge. Unless someone takes the responsibility for the group, whatever its size, there's no true leader. Certain things work certain ways. Again, for example,

if someone wants your soul, I'm being very hypological here. I'm being very hypo-logical here. They cannot take it. You must give it and don't. Never give that up. It's yours and only you are meant to keep it and be re-responsible

for it, okay? Are we clear? You will be re-responsible for it even if you think you have given it to another. It's non-transferable and I mean that in the most extreme way. Exclamation point,transferable, and I mean that in the most extreme way. Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. So where am I headed here?

What I'm leading up to is the person who sees all this good kind of bondage going on and still wants to put it down on the basis that it steals away the soul of the person being tied up. It ain't so. Bondage is not for the weak. If you have problems interacting with people and you think bondage is a way to get around that, then you're wrong. I'm sorry.

If you are shyer on the opposite sex and you think that bondage is a way to get around that, then you are in for trouble. Read on anyway and I will help you sort things out. Yay! That's where we're going to leave you dangling, actually. No soul for you.

Yes, and if you're looking for more, there are hundreds of thousands of millions of pages on this site. We're going to leave usangling from a leather swing. With a ball gag in our mouth. Yeah. All right.

Here's our first one there. I think it was pretty enriching. I learned a lot about bondage. I learned a lot about bondage. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that being a sex slave doesn't mean that you can actually make any sense or that your thoughts don't meander everywhere in every sentence. I feel it might be a hindrance. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah

so believe it or not that is the easiest of the ones that we have optioned there is another site out there another huge site called Chuyolo C-H-Y-O-L-O which is an offshoot of another site called

Literotica which is like this gigantic archive of written smut. But Chew, the difference with Chew is that it's choose-your-own-adventure porn where somebody creates a story and then other people are supposed to

keep making that story, so then you read a page and then you decide what your girl will do and then the story continues from there. The failing, of course, is that because it is because it is a community run, it doesn't get updated that much. So stories never end. They just stop being updated at some point. And it's kind of the it's the best parts of Wikipedia and choose your own adventure and Internet written porn, just all in one easy to consume package. It's a wonderful little package and it's all so very terribly written.

Uh, we were going through and the worst of the internet at the exact same time. We were going through a couple options. I really liked the particular Alice in Wonderland story. Um, but we ended up, we ended up with, um,

what was it? The sex none was that right oh uh geez what is it even called um i believe it's the it's the the asexomon okay yes and what essentially is is a mystical book which is like the necronomicon but with ass sex which is like the Necronomicon, but with ass sex. And yeah, we'll have Bunny Bread reading this. And take it away, Bunny Bread. Am I reading who this is all written by? Because there's about 400 people here.

We just know that it's written by Good Girl Tammy. And if you click on Good Girl Tammy's name, you can read her profile. Ooh. She's right now playing with her vibrator, I think. And reading the Wall Street News. Okay. Same time. Okay.

How else are you supposed to get hot? Yeah, I don't understand it. I like the page three chicks on the Wall Street Journal myself. Oh, she's so conservative. Yeah, boy. I love the way that... She only gets turned on by Glenn Beck. Oh, God. And now, on Masterpiece Theater,

a sexamon. Written by Good Girl Tammy, amongst several other fucking weirdos. And now, on Masterpiece Theater, a sexamon. Written by Good Girl Tammy, amongst several other fucking weirdos. Edited by Jake Yelon, and created by Good Girl Tammy. Shall we begin? We have an editor here. That's really bad, actually. I really want to be encouraged by that. But I think I'd be a little quixotic there.

Anyways. Okay, I'm recovering from a cold, so please, you know. Tammy looked over the books on Magic on the Shelf. Her term paper was due next month, and she knew if she got an early start, all the books wouldn't be taken. Her green eyes went from one title to the next, then stopped on one she couldn't read. Long, red, manicured nails traced the book's golden spine. Then she pulled it down from the shelf.

What kind of language is this? She asked herself as she opened the book. Inside, the pages were as filled with more, were as filled with more of the strange writing. For no reason she could imagine. She took it and a few other books of spells and magic in her arms and went to check them out with the librarian. What fucking library is this? She's just got random books of spells.

Okay, never mind. I don't know. Hogwarts. It's the library of plot devices. So, kids, what does do? Tammy was given a hard time by the librarian. Tammy runs into a friend and shows her the book.

Anyone? What does do? I think Tammy was given a hard time by the librarian. Oh, I bet she'll give her a real hard time by the librarian. Oh, okay. Oh, I bet she was given a real hard time. Yeah, I'm talking about you from Ismere Kids. She was great.

She struggled with all the heavy books. She crossed over to the checkout counter, then went down on the counter with a loud thud. Sorry, Tammy said to the perfectly dressed librarian. What does it take to be a perfectly dressed librarian? You have to be wearing clothes. Yeah, pretty much. Well, I showed up with your skirts below your waist.

That's perfect. Well, if the purpose of getting clothing is to conceal the skin and perfectly dressed would be wearing a burka. Oh, OK. This makes more sense. Look at the eyes. Well, if ZZ Top has taught me anything, she has to have legs, and she has to know how to use them. That's about as far as it goes. Thank you, ZZ. A shared librarian had her hair pulled back in a bun, so therefore she's not wearing a burka.

She leaned forward and looked at the books. Young lady, you have too many here. You'll have to put four back, she said smugly. And do try to be more quiet. Yes, ma'am, Tammy said, looking at each book. I don't have many female voices I can turn to here. I'm just not sure which one to put back. I'm in the magic house with Mrs. Bright.

We have a time paper on. The library looked up and cut her off. Another bright student, wanting to be a sorcerer, saw me. She frowned, looking at the books Tammy had chosen. Well, if the stars you can put these four back, they'll do you no use, and you might as well add this one. Her fingers brushed the golden spine of the strange book. I doubt you can read it. She looked puzzled. I don't think I've ever seen it before. Tammy smiled.

Well, I'll take it anyway. Maybe I can figure it out. The librarian checked out each book. I don't know why you waste time with this heavy... She looked at the binding. A sexamon? With the words spoken, Tammy and the librarian both felt a cold wind as the lights in the library

dimmed a bit, then came back up. Well, maybe I'll be a better magic user than you might think, Tammy said, taking the books from the hands of the librarian. The assexamon was the librarian's hand. All right, from now on, Tammy's going to be spoken in the voice of Fat Albert.

Oh, God. I hate that book as well. The librarian seemed to have a sense. I think this book should stay with me. She held the book to her chest. Tammy reached it and took it from her quickly. Well, I just checked it out. And you could have it in two weeks when I bring it back.

Quick, let's go to the door. Would the librarian suffer? And, comma, what did the book do? Tammy goes to her dorm room. Tammy feels a hand on her shoulder. Excuse me, yeah, shoulder, but shoulders, fuck it. That's language. The third choice is a strange language.

It became the... I don't know how they're trying to phrase this. Maybe you can choose that one. The whole thing is just written in Arabic. So what are the choices again? I'm sorry. Will the librarian stop her? Slash, what did the book do?

Tammy goes to her dorm room. Tammy feels a hand on her shoulder. Or a strange language. The book did a strange language. Oh, the book did a strange language. Come on. It performed a strange language. What I like about this is we're not choosing the adventures of Tammy. We're choosing the adventures

of the whole universe around her. We have a lot of power in our hands, kids. Choose wisely. It's very meta. Tammy makes her own destiny. I just want books to do strange languages. Come on. Yeah, it sounds pretty hot to me.

You know what? I was leaning towards the hand on the shoulder, but I want to see a book do a strange language. Yeah. Linguistics porn just sounds awesome yeah since she had come to the College of magic Tammy had learned much though she was just a novice learning only the simplest cantrips and basic magic magical manipulation spells her term paper was supposed to be about how magic had evolved over the past few centuries and she had no idea how the strange book might be put to use in the project but something about the mysterious tone grabbed

her attention she ran back to her dorm room and found that her roommate kathy was there studying kathy was the exact opposite of tammy where tammy was tall arched haired and small busted kathy was short barely over five foot blonde hair blue eyed and had huge tits was short, barely over five foot, blonde hair, blue eyed, and had huge tits. I'm not a twirl. It's going to be like a dwarf or something. Bearded, surly.

Her figure was voluptuous and caught the eye of every breathing male on campus. Not that Tammy had any lack of male attention. She was beautiful. Her green eyes and dark hair made her striking. Not man walked by her without checking out her tight ass, long legs, and small, firm tits. I don't know if they've heard of the word breast before, but, well. When Tammy arrived in the room, she threw the huge book on the bed

and flipped it open to try and decipher the pages. Kathy spoke first. Why are you so interested in the, uh, what's for the old book I'm not sure I find it at the library and I think it is a book about really powerful match but I can't read Kathy crossed the room to take a look at it with Tammy with their huge tits together they will spent the next hour trying to translate even a few words of the book to no avail. Finally admitting defeat, Tammy said, I wish

there was some way I could instantly be able to read this. I sure am happy that there's something really powerful out there, and I want to know what this book is all about. It was Kathy who finally suggested a solution. Maybe you could show it to Professor Cotland.

That didn't really jump into any sort of quotation marks, so I'm thinking. Ah, Christ. And this one had an editor, kids. Keep that in mind. Wait, so is Fat Albert Tammy now? Yeah, I tried to switch over to Fat Albert, although it's kind of hurting my voice, so I may switch back to something else. Because I thought Fat Albert was a librarian. This is just so deep.

It's going over my head. Oh, I thought it was Sling Blade. Dude, the book is already doing the strange language. Come on. Sling Blade's much better. Here we go. You can show the professor Godwell. He knows a bunch of old languages,

and he can brought it here with the book in your hand. That'd be good. That helps. That helps. know the boys your own languages and he can brought it here you would the book is a fire that he said Kathy smiled and said you got any no very right thank Gary you see yours you see something to convince him if he's big the purpose a easy word It will, I have no idea how to pronounce that, but it's a whole bunch of vowels and soft consonants. And he groans. But she had to admit it.

Okay, here we go. It was... She put on her tightest hair of jeans and wore a thin t-shirt with no bra. Her tits were not that big, but they would catch his attention. In no time at all, she was at Professor Caldwell's office door. Just before knocking, she pulled and rubbed her nipples a bit, causing them to stiffen into hard little nubs and poke and nice and prominent

through the thin shirt she was wearing. And nice and nice. Damn. Nice is a hell of a verb. She knocked on the door. What happens next? We have one choice here. Talking with the professor.

So I'm going to guess we're going to do a strange language. I think talking with the professor. In a strange language. I've been talking with the professor. In a strange language. And it's a big, rough voice of Professor Caldwell calls. Wait, we're now in present tense. Okay, this is good. Hell of a continuity bunch here. Editing.

With a sigh and a deep breath, Tammy opened the door and entered the study. Caldwell was sitting behind his desk, but Tammy couldn't see much. The sun was shining right through the windows behind the professor, bathing her in sunlight, but making a dark silhouette of the old pervert. He looked up from the book he was reading. Following school etiquette, Tammy

waited for him to invite her in. Welcome in, Miss Falster, he says with his voice a little lighter. A little lighter. Welcome in, Miss Falster, he says with his voice a little lighter. A little lighter. Welcome in, Miss Falster. A little lighter. A little amused. And close the door behind you.

After she dared to step in the room, she closed the door. A little awkward because of the large book under her arm. To hide her boner. Girl boner. Girl boner. Yes, the dark silhouette asked. Come closer. I don't want to shout at you. Swallowing the lump away,

Tommy walked over to his clustered desk. His room was filled with bookcases, books, scrolls, papers, parchments, etc. Standing closer to the desk and squeezing her eyes against the direct sunlight, more of his features became visible. His glasses rested on the tip of his nose, and he was looking over the room, and not at Tammy's face, but a little lower. A pleased smile on his face. Hey, hey, hey, kids, in case you weren't following this. How can I help you?

Yeah. Licking his lips without looking at it from her titties. Titties. That's the most erotic use of titties I've ever heard. Well, Professor, Tammy started with a dry mouth. I have this book. She lifted the book, showing it to the

professor. But I can't find out what language it is. And I thought maybe I can figure it out. I mean, maybe I can figure it out. He's looking at her face. He beckoned her to come around the desk. What? He beckoned her to come around the desk.

Good. Show it to him. And I'll have a look. He's got boomerang jizz. He can come around to death. Yeah, it's like in Wanted with the bullets. I do like that he briefly looked at her face for a moment, though. That was nice of him.

Well, he's classy. Before he looked at her titties. of him. Well, he's classy. Before he looked at her titties! Tammy walked around the desk and standing next to him, placed the book before him on the desk. With the tip of his finger, the professor flipped open the book. Aha!

He exclaimed, looking briefly at Tammy's breast. So you found the Asexamon. Why is it a surprise? Well, we got one choice again. Professor Caldwell uses the book to transform Tammy into a sex slave.

Oh, I thought the choice was stick your hand into your pants and start going to town. Oh, you're right. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's... Oh, good, because I'm, that's... you're right. Oh, good, because I'm not a head. You wrote this, didn't you? You were the editor.

You're the good girl, number 93. I'm on the desk. Well, I guess Tammy's turning into a sex slave, then. What's the other choice? No, that's it. That's the only choice. Nothing. That's the only choice. You jerk off or die. That was my favorite NES

game. That was my favorite Who Did He Bang from 2004. The light shimmered on Professor Caldwell's glasses. First, Mrs. Falster, I believe I will honor you with a demonstration of the power this book possesses. He flipped through the pages until he found the one he was looking for, and a devilish grin spread across his face. He then chanted in a resonating, fluid tongue and made a few elaborate hand gestures to Tammy.

And as he did, Tammy had a strange, tingling sensation spread through her body, seeming to emanate from her crotch, not to the tips of her fingers. Wait, not titties? Fingers, really? She found herself suddenly out of breath and panting. She looked down at her heaving chest and saw to her amazement that her breasts were

growing larger. They were naturally a mere A-cup, but they expanded before her very eyes into a voluptuous double D that indefinitely stretched her T-shirt. Her erect nipples were so obvious now that she felt embarrassed.

Only now does she feel embarrassed at this whole goddamn thing. I hope the next line is and her T-shirt. How embarrassing! I'm hoping the next line is And her back broke And she had bad problems For the rest of her life, the end Wow

Tammy stated In truth, a simple physical alteration spell Should not be so impressive But the girl felt that more had happened to her She felt healthier And more full of energy than ever before And feeling a wetness between her legs, she could not deny that she had inexplicably become incredibly horny. Professor Caldwell's elegant face all of a sudden looked so kissably delicious.

That's amazing. Can you help me with the translation so I can learn spells like this one? Can you help me with the translation so I can learn spells like this one? He rubbed his chin as he replied. Well, slut, I could. But is that what you really want? Titties! Did you just call me a slut? I'm editorializing a little bit, sorry.

Just thought I'd be a while without the term titties. Did you just call me a slut? Tammy was somewhat taken aback. Well, you did not think that I was merely casting a breast enlargement spell, did you? No, no. You shook his head and chuckled. My silly little slut. Transformed into a cock-craving sex slave.

Right. Read the fine print, Tammy! Poor Tammy. She was taking on so many bad car deals with this, too. Wait, hang on. Which kind of sex slave? Cock craving, I believe you said. No payments for five months.

Is there any strings? Okay, let me start out. We're almost there at the end. Okay. My silly little slut, you have been transformed into a cock craving sex slave. So I shall ask you again. Do you want me to help me translate this?

Or would you rather suck my dick? The end. What, we don't have an option? Will Panthers resist or willingly submit? That's the question, but they don't really give us any options here. So we're just assuming that, you know, they both got married and have 2.3 kids.

Wait, there's no more? No, that's it. We picked the wrong choice, man. We could have had a great day. She could have gone on and reached immortality with her titties. It's a community-written site, so if you make an account, you could just keep continuing the stories of Tammy. Oh, that could be fantastic. So, I don't know what an erotic fiction episode would be without Slash. I mean, that's sort of, that's the meat and potatoes of your erotic fiction theme.

Slash, if you don't know, is gay porn, usually about famous characters. It all started from Star Trek with Kirk slash Spock, which is where it started from. We don't want to go that simple on you. There's too many of those. So, well, John, explain what's happening here. Well, this next story is indeed Slash. I'm really going to say this about it. It's Slash involving Legolas and Gimli from Lord of the Rings

in an extended relationship that's been going on for a while, apparently. But the big thing is that part of the story isn't the most interesting part of the story. And there's a real twist here that's just very interesting. This is a longer story. This will

go on for a little while. But about a third of the way through it, you're going to notice a slight turn. And I hope you're pleased with it. Yeah, I mean, the focus is, you're going to know what kind of story this is, and you will not leave disappointed. We have Acer Aquato reading this, and let's just get into it. Timing is everything. A Lord of the Rings story. What?

By Tarot Gal. Or maybe she's Tarot Gal. Your choice. I feel like I should give one of these guys a Quebecois accent. How about the dwarf? Well, you've certainly been acting strange tonight, my dear dwarf, Legolas said, clearing away the plates from a

most delicious dinner. Though there were many standard foods in Middle-earth, it was always something of a challenge to find meals that appealed to both dwarf and elf equally, as the two had such differing tastes thanks to their respective cultures. If I had to guess, I would think you were up to something. Really? Gainley said casually, finishing the last bite off his plate as Legolas pulled it away and started. It hurts me that you think my intentions are anything but pure. I haven't the slightest idea.

Legolas remained unmoved by Gimli's feigned innocence. You've been smiling at odd times for no reason in particular that I can see, and you have been extra jumpy. You practically jumped out of your skin when I mentioned wanting to go out to see the stars tonight. The elf paused for a few seconds, giving Gimli plenty of time to either protest or explain. When neither happened, he went on. Out with it, my love. What has gotten into you tonight? Gimli leaned back in his seat, smiling broadly. His elf was capable of spotting the slightest difference in a room from a moment's glance.

He could spot a bird at a thousand paces and count the feathers on one wing. His powers of observation were as keen as any of his other skills. Gimli knew it was pointless to put up pretenses. Come with me, and I shall show you. Forcing the elf to abandon his cleaning, he led the elf by the hand through their home. Built by hand to suit their needs, it was a place they could navigate with their eyes shut, and Gimli insisted Legolas do just that. Feeling as he had not since their journey into Lothlorien, Legolas agreed to a blindfold

and a smile of anticipation played upon his lips. Their home had no hallways and so the rooms flowed from one to the other, some with doors and some without. But even with the blindfold on, Legolas could tell

he had been led into their bedroom. Oh, boy! Oh, man. I guess it's implied that they're already fucking. I think they're already dating at this point. They called it courting back then, but yes. I guess I miss that part of the movies, which is really my fault.

Oh, it's in the book. This is a literary device. It's called an EDS mask. Is this canon? Yeah, it's just canon. Because I refuse to take part in any Lord of the Rings fan fiction that isn't canon. Or basically, when this is done, I'm going to want to shoot it out of a canon. Your choice.

A canon is right between Gimli's legs. There's a point in the book where Tolkien describes Legolas looking over to Gimli and smiling, perhaps. That's good enough. That's just enough to

expressly. He likes elves. He can tell no lie. Your other brothers cannot deny. I can just imagine their foreplay. Still only counts as one. Legolas felt warmth upon his skin and detected the sweet scent of flowers in the air. While the other rooms had been dark,

this one seemed alight, turning the black insides of the blindfold into merely a golden brown. What have you done, Gimli? he asked, cocking his head curiously. Gimli led him a few steps further and sat him down on the bed. Then he climbed up and knelt upon the bed himself

before he removed the elf's blindfold. I purchased a few extra things the last time we went to the village. I wish to surprise you all. Uh-oh. Looking around their bedroom, Legolas raised his eyebrows. Then I admit you have succeeded.

Nearly every flat surface in their bedroom from shelf to window cell held tall pillar candles. Not just any candles, but ones with leaves and flowers set into them decoratively. Their wicks had not been trimmed, so the flames were tall and lively,

dancing upon each candle individually but combining to form a soothing and welcome glow within the room. Coordinating with these extraordinary candles was a sea of flower petals upon the pillow and cutlet of their bed, looking soft and inviting to the elf.

Beautiful candles. Sweet flowers. This is going to be a nice story. The dwarf added, pleased at the increase in surprise on Legolas' face. As they owned but one set of good sheets, they were not often washed or changed. Gimli had gone...

Don't think about it. That's great. I'm Fred Drake. I just thought of another line. I just thought of another line. I just thought of another line to be in a great, another light. Toss me. Toss me. I hate you, French toast.

Gimli had gone to the trouble of doing so that afternoon when he had told Legolas he was going for more firewood. That didn't even make sense. I should have known, Legolas said, a smile in his voice, even if his expression was not overly bright. You would

never retrieve firewood without having been asked. Gimli pretended to take offense to this, and Legolas slipped an arm around Gimli's waist, drawing him close in a tight squeeze, which soon became a gentle cuddle. I am wholly impressed and awed. This is a beautiful sight, and I cannot wait until I shed my clothes

and make love to you here as many times as you can stand. Wow. Wow. Awesome. The elf's hands began to move with excitement, gliding over the dwarf's back and sides, gathering up loose fabric in order to pull away articles of clothing. fabric in order to pull away articles of clothing. Be still, Legolas, Gimli said huskily, his breath warm against the nape of Legolas' neck, his beard covered to cheek rubbing against the elf's tender, pale skin there.

There is more yet. More! Legolas exclaimed with more emotion in his voice than Gimli was used to, which made Gimli smile all the more. His hands did stop moving upon his lover's request, but only when his fingers had slipped beneath garments to touch Gimli's hot skin. That was enough to satisfy for a few moments more, though he longed to thank Gimli properly. However, could there be more? Once as he loved being held close and honored by the elf in such physical ways, Gimli pulled away. He leaned forward, one hand upon the center of the bed and disturbing the petals, the other hand searching for something beneath the pillows.

After a few moments, he withdrew a small glass bottle and straightened up again. Legolas immediately hugged the dwarf again, hoping that more snuggling might be the key to revealing the current mystery. And what is in there, my dear dwarf? he asked, eyeing the bottle as he resumed his playful tugs and pulls on Gimli's clothes. A special oil, Gimli replied, his mouth unable to resist the elf's skin. He trailed kisses from nape of neck to ear before pausing

to gasp. Not only was the tip of Legolas' ear beginning to twitch as it did when the elf was especially excited, but Legolas' head had found Gimli's crotch and had come for a minute. Crotch! Crotch is such a hot word.

Crotch! Crotch! Crotch! Yeah! Oh, thank shit, I like it when you grab me in that part there. A little more Ted Zee shit, as best as else, eh? Did Acer die? Was that too much sexy for him?

Sure. We've heard his last words. He died like he lived. Talking about crutches. Oh, God. He lived. Talking about crutches. Oh, God.

Gimli could not imagine dwarf hands ever covering so much of him so well, and his head sank to the elf's shoulder in bliss at the perfection of it all. For what, Legolas said rather breathlessly, is this oil meant? He knew, of course, but Gimli had apparently given this much thought, and Legolas wanted to hear an explanation in Gimli's own words for many reasons. Gimli's hands were moving over Legolas' clothes now, seeking entry to more and more of the magnificent body. One hand untied the leggings and slid beneath the waistband to curve around one of Legolas' hips.

The other hand, glass bottle and all, slipped beneath Legolas' shirt to touch the smooth but strong chest. Legolas inhaled sharply as the cold glass touched one nipple and the door's thumb rolled over

the other one. It will make us think against each other as though we were making love on their water and it is an excuse to touch each other more thoroughly Oh, no. Something inside Legolas groaned with pleasure, and the sounds came from Legolas along with a deep breath. And by all means, Legolas said, hastily untying and unbuttoning the dwarf's garments.

Hesitate not to use it. As Legolas pulled off his outer tunic and shirt beneath, Gimli opened the bottle and poured some oil onto his palm. He rubbed his hands together to warm the oil, finding it thick and slick between his hands.

With minimal effort, the rest of their clothes were lost to the floor, and they were sitting even closer to each other upon the bed. Then, Gimli, he touched Legolas' bare chest with an oil-coated hand. Legolas gasped quickly and closed his eyes. Does it please you, my elf? Elf? Yeah, elf is happy. He's been living off royalty since the late 1980s. But damn that cat!

Shall I rub this on your crotch? Oh, baby shit. cat. Shall I rub this on your crotch? I'll make it. Legolas nodded, the tips of his ears wiggling slightly again. Your elf is considerably pleased, he replied. As Gimli began to massage

him, his muscles found relief and an increasing amount of warmth. And though he had not been the least bit tired at the beginning, he found himself so comfortable that he leaned weakly into Gimli. The elf relaxed fully, letting his body go loose and move

as the dwarf's strong hands would have him go. And he sighed happily as Gimli eased him onto the bed face down to concentrate on massaging Legolas' neck, shoulders, and back. In addition to breaths which were heavy with delight, Gimli heard the elf give small sniffles. It was not an entirely unusual sound, but it gave Gimli pause.

It was typically the winter months in which the elf would take ill, and they were most decidedly in the midst of spring now. In addition, the elf sniffling had not begun until a few minutes past, indicating that it was a new development of sorts. It was true that Gimli enjoyed it when the elf displayed typically mortal characteristics, but Gimli was certain these sniffles were not for his enjoyment and not of Legolas' choosing. Gimli sat upon the backs of Legolas' thighs, enjoying the touch of leg upon leg, and of course, the short but hard dwarf cock against bear elf rare. Here we go.

Of course. Yeah, now we're at the starting line. Oh yeah. He grinned as Legolas let a moan escape his lips. Gimli knew enough of Legolas not to mistake the subtle emotional reactions of Els as a lack of inner feelings. But such a passionate display made Gimli grin broadly. After Gimli dribbled oil in a line down Legolas' back and began rubbing that in, Legolas exhaled deeply and then inhaled with a particularly strong liquid sniffle. When the dwarf spotted his lover rubbing a slender finger alongside his nose, Gimli could stay silent no longer.

Is there something amiss, Legolas? Your sniffles are steady and frequent. Surely you have not taken ill? Legolas, his cheek cradled by flower petals upon a freshly laundered pillowcase, shook his head. No, you're not ill. Pay them no mind. I... Legolas' breath caught for a moment, and suddenly Gimli was unable to tell whether it was because of the massage or become of something more. Become of something more.

Oh, man. That was the slogan for the brains for a while. It's like Tolkien himself is writing this fanfiction. I am fine and well, and truth, I cannot remember feeling so good. Tonight your hands and the skill are a magic that is familiar yet thrilling and new. I long for, for more. He let out a deep sigh as Gimli's hand slid down, slid it down, and massaged his arse cheeks.

Oh, man. Oh, it opened that arse. How did I know this was British? Maybe elves only have bad spellers, yeah. Finding the compliments more erotic than anything else, yet,

Gimli closed his eyes and concentrated on Legolas's body. The image of the naked elf in his mind was strong. He knew every bit of Legolas and, better still, knew what parts Legolas most liked touched. He did not need to see to find them. So he kept his eyes closed and enjoyed the sensation of touch, his fingers throbbing with warmth as they flexed and bent against the soft elf skin. In his mind, he could see Legolas smiling and moaning softly in delight.

So vivid was the picture in his mind, and so exactly did it match what he felt, that Gimli was instantly taken aback when he felt Legolas tense and shift beneath his touch. It's showtime! He's trying to say it's showtime. Capital I-T-S and then all lowercase H-H-U-H-H-H exclamation point. Oh yeah, that's about right.

That might be a lowercase, but it's also in italics, so, you know. That changes everything. He might be thinking it. Oh, wow. I don't think there's that much thought involved in this. What he saw did not match his mental image at all. Legolas' face was long and his nose twitched against the side of his hand. The tips of his ears were twitching again ever so slightly, but clearly not in pleasure.

Legolas took a deep, silent breath and let it out shakily. Then he gasped quickly once, twice, and audibly on the third time, I tilted my head because it's italics. I am explosive. He paused a moment, and then his head snapped down and his body shook. Ah!

Ah! When he was finished with the sneeze and had relaxed again, he quickly apologized before Gimli could question him. I'm terribly sorry, he said, his nose already tickling again. Gimli leaned forward, stroking Legolas' back and arm gently, as though in some strange version of the massage she was no longer giving. His only emotion now was concern for Legolas. That's a deep emotion.

Legolas shook his head. I cannot imagine what Oh His body tensed up again This time he reached back and found Gimli's hand Squeezing it to gain comfort As more sneezes built Eh

Eh Hush Hush He's reading a sexamon. A sexamon. That's supposed to actually be an automatic automatic sneeze. I guess Elf Sneeze is funny. I don't know.

He's sneezing an accent. Elf Sneeze. That's aing an accent. That's a West London accent you're reading. That makes sense then. Gimli turned his hand in Legolas' grasp to be more comfortable and squeeze back. He leaned further forward, his muscular chest slipping against Legolas back. It made his ruddy brown chest hair grow damp with oil and darken. Then he kissed Legolas forehead, gauging it for fever and finding it

normal. If you are indeed ill, this is the strangest illness I have ever witnessed. It began in a matter of minutes rather than hours or days. Shaking his head back and forth in response also caused his nose to rub against the side of his hand to rub away the tickle. It did little good, but Legolas attempted an answer. Not, Anne,

not, and failed in his attempt. A itch. Not, Anne, not, and failed in his attempt. A-itch! He seemed especially wettly. Even Gimli was slightly surprised at the elf's last sneeze and scrambled off Legolas to give him room to move when he sneezed. He squeezed Legolas' hand again, then quickly climbed off the bed. In the mood to provide for Legolas tonight in all things, he retrieved several handkerchiefs from their dresser

and offered one to the sniffling, sneezing elf. Legolas sprayed his nose in the folds immediately and blew hard. Tears appeared in the corners of Legolas' eyes, which startled the closely watching Gimli quite considerably. Legolas reached up and rubbed them away with his thumb. Then he rubbed his eyes hard a few times and nearly winced when he pulled them open again. Gimli, he said, blinking and sniffling. Right here, Gimli said, comforting, by stroking his fingers through Legolas' hair repeatedly,

making sure to massage his scalp slightly with each stroke. You may call me a fool, but I believe your allergies are acting up. Ha! That's a good deduction. I think you have a cold. I think you have a cold there, eh? Legolas nodded in complete agreement, his mouth dropping open again and his breath catching. Eh, kachee! Kachee!

Kachee! He sneezed. Oh, yeah. In the handkerchief, but missing as the sneezes shook him so strongly. Legolas rubbed more on his nose than his eyes, than his nose again. Gib, what was in that oil? Gimli

jumped, realizing at once that the elf must be reacting to something in the room. It had been perfectly fine during dinner and the windows were shut, proving how quick dwarves were along short distances. Gimli darted over to the windows and threw open the shutters to let fresh air inside.

It is vegetable oil only, I believe. I do not think it could be the cause, Gimli told him, retrieving the bottle and removing the top. Blow your nose and give it a sniff, he suggested. Propping himself up on both elbows now, Legolas took a deep breath and blew his nose thoroughly. Blinking his itchy eyes, he brought his nose directly above the bottle Gimli held out for him. He took a deep breath in through his nose and held it in his hand, evaluating. Then he let it out slowly in a bit of a sigh. He shook his head and Gimli set the bottle away.

Dot the oil, Legolas verified. But some thing is still he rubbed his finger furiously beneath his nose to no avail. It's it's a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a a Jim Lee sat down on the bed and laid his arms across Legolas' shoulders. His hand cupped Legolas' far shoulder, and the other hand drew back the elf's hair. Galoo, my poor elf! Legolas snuffled into the handkerchief and wiped at his eyes again. So far as you know, you have but one allergy, correct? Legolas gave a nod. So chances are, these flower petals are not what is making your nose tickle. Legolas gave the flowers an affectionate nuzzle,

then took a curious sniff. He sighed and shook his head. Which leaves? Gimli looked around the room, not wanting to believe it. The candors! Legolas sniffled and nodded. He waved his hand, requesting that Gimli bring him one. As Gimli stood again, Legolas' head snapped back down with sneezes.

This time he was ready with the hanky. Itch! Itch! Itch! Those F sounds? Yeah, those are Fs and these are sneezes. Oh. Does that mean they're more than Fs?

Awesome sneeze rendition. Come on! Gimli selected one of numerous candles covering the room and inspected it closely. He had used similar candles on a dozen occasions. And, when sniffing it, nothing even remotely reminded him of the dreaded bush.

Legolas' only known allergy. He still brought it over for Legolas, knowing that the sooner they figured this out, the sooner they could get back to their love-making. Legolas sniffed at it. His nose was tickly and runny, but still allowed him to inhale.

It felt no more ticklish afterwards, however, and he shook his head. Pulling the candle away and blowing it out, Gimli was suddenly halted. Wait! Legolas reached out for the candle. Gimli brought it near again, assuming Legolas wanted another whiff while it was unlit.

But instead, Legolas worked a finger around the outline of a flower embedded into the candle. The candle was a soft shade of pink, and the flowers inside all a somewhat matching dull red. This odd look...

This odd look different inside. He dropped his hand and hung his head. Hey! Hey! What does that spell? Fuck you. That's how it's spelled. H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H- This is about a communication breakdown here. I'm done. I got what you're saying, Toast. Thank you.

He sniffed, his head still pointing down at the mattress, but his hand pointing up at a few of the other candles of various other colors. He pulled his hand back to scratch at his cheek and neck. Legolas was getting worse, and Gimli was determined to find the solution. The green wind caught Gimli's eye, and he started to understand what Legolas meant. They all had different things within them. The yellow had daisies and buttercups. The blue had berries and the green

had leaves that seemed horribly familiar. Oh dear. Dun dun dun. Yes? Legolas asked. His voice muffled by the handkerchief. Hey! Hey! Gimli picked up the candle and turned on his heels, brandishing it. Legolas groaned as he recognized the leaves.

Gimli? Holding it out at arm's length, Gimli braced himself for what was to come. The candle was still a little bit away, but when Legolas sniffled, his face immediately fell with the need to sneeze. Game by EA, by the way. Gimli pulled

the candle back, but the damage was done. It's a hey! It's a it's a it's a How much snot can this guy have? He's immortal. He has an endless supply. Oh, okay.

Legolas' head bounced up and down, and his body shook considerably with each and every sneeze. Ick-a-sh! Eesh! Hey, shush! The normally beautiful and strong elf was taken over completely by the sneezes

and Gimli would not have that. I don't want to stand for that either. Acting at once, Gimli collected the handkerchiefs and grabbed a blanket. Dangerous plans, Mastores. Come with me. He linked his arm around Legolas' arm and

guided him up off the bed. Sneezing and rubbing at his eyes, Legolas followed Gimli as blindly as he had before. Still he knew where he was, and he expected it when his bare feet touched the stairs of their front porch, then the soft grass in front of their home. Gimli brought him to the edge of the hot spring and set the blanket down. If they could not have flowers and candlelight, they could easily settle for grass and moonlight.

Legolas gravitated towards the water at once, bathed by moonlight even before he could be by water the silver water stirred as Legolas grief gracefully stepped then sank into it by the time Gimli had reached the spring Legolas had already slipped completely beneath the surface though best suited to the trees elves were as familiar with the air and water as the earth. He stayed beneath the surface far longer than any mortal, the only sign of his presence being a few small bubbles. When he resurfaced, his back curved and his head flew back, creating a beautiful arc of blonde glistening in the moonlight. Then he straightened up and relaxed. With desire burning in his eyes, he reached out to Gimli.

Then he pulled his hand back and cupped it to his face. Hey! Ah! Is it getting hot for you yet there? Wow. So much fapping Legos bent at the knees and sat on the ledge below

the surface of the water it came halfway up to his chest and his long hair rested on the surface floating and bouncing until the water in the hot springs settled from his lack of movement. Then he reached out again. Gimli?

Sorry, Gimli? Already Legolas sounded better. Gimli went to the elf at once, bringing along a handkerchief for Legolas' still, sniffly nose. His hands dry, he cupped at Legolas' nose and assisted Legolas in blowing and wiping his nose. How are you? he asked, dancing around the

apology he felt welling up inside him. Even now, his concern for Legolas came before all other emotions. Improving with every minute in the fresh air, Legolas told him. But not, it seemed, entirely recovered. Again, his nose and ears

twitched. Again, his breath caught. Instinctively, Legolas raised his hand to cover his face, but Gimli reached it with the handkerchief first. Hey, cuss! Hey, kiss! I like the variety of this.

Exactly. They did a lot of research on this one, yeah. Gimli started to rub the elf's nose, but Legolas' breath hitched, and the pale hand seized his wrist in another warning of sneezes. Eh? Eh? But the sneeze was far off still, and they both froze, patiently waiting for it.

Finally, Legolas' side in his shoulder sank ghim legos looked helplessly at him over the folds of the handkerchief kimley said shaking his head nothing to be done now but wait for it to pass sneeze it out and take all the time you need oh that's right sneeze it out it out. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you date long enough, you get to see lots of different sneezes, I guess. Sneeze it out, baby. As though the permission to take his time was all that was needed to hurry the sneeze along, Legolas' eyes slammed shut. Heh.

Chiff! This time, when Gimli wiped the handkerchief at Legolas' nose and lowered it, the elf did not resist. Instead, he beckoned Gimli wiped the handkerchief at Legolas' nose and lowered it, the elf did not resist. Instead, he beckoned Gimli to come closer to join him in the warm water. Gimli smiled and stubbornly shook his head. He would have his way about something this night, at least. Legolas chuckled lightly and ducked beneath the water. When he broke through again,

he was still smiling. All right, Master Dwarf. I shall come with you. Legolas climbed from the water and, dripping, walked slowly over to the blanket, making sure he turned so Gimli could see his full body. Legolas stretched out on the blanket. He lay on his side, propped up by an elbow,

and with the opposite leg bent at the knee to angle his crotch towards Gimli. Crotch! Crotch. Wait. Just wait. And he was hard. He was ready. Still slightly sniffly, but he was still going to sneeze, though.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. After all he had witnessed, Gimli was likewise. It was impossible to resist this elf

in all his magnificence. So the dwarf went to him, sprawling beside Legolas on the soft but now increasingly damp blanket. His kiss was sweet but convincing, and his hands grasped Legolas' warm shoulders. He made to turn the elf, but not before he caressed the elf's cock at full length. Moves dwarf hand towards cock, I guess. Where Legolas' hand was able to engulf

Gimli's crotch entirely, Gimli's hand was smaller in comparison. But what he lacked in coverage, he made up for in technique. Yay! He's a black belt. That's how I make up for it, too. Level up!

They call him DJ Handjob Gimli. He stroked steadily, but surprisingly softly. His short fingers and calloused hands felt like ridges, but could also feel smooth when he moved his hand swiftly. In a matter of seconds, Legolas was crooning and tugging at Gimli's beard in affection. Their hands roamed, exchanging worshipful caresses, communicating their desire through their touches. Oh, that feels good, Yank. Oh, Lord. Oh, God.

It was then that Gimli rolled the elf over. Oh lord, oh god. It was then that Gimli rolled the elf over. He held onto Legolas' hips as he slid inside, a move which elicited moans from both of them. Gimli leaped forward to position himself at a better angle, and so his hips could jerk more freely to extend his thrusts. While he bent forward, his chest rubbed against Legolas' back and Legolas gasped in pleasure. Then the elf, whose hands clutched the...

What did they clutch? Sure. Oh, shit. Just hold on. Then the elf, whose hands clutched the blanket in tight fists, turned his head, pressing his nose into his shoulder. Forgive me, he managed, before shaking with another sneeze.

Ech! He sneezed again. Then sneezed again. Ech! Gimli rode each smoothly. Ech! Nice, Gimli. Gimli rode each smoothly. Nice, Gimli. Achoo! Achoo! Gimli the pro. Achoo! Don't worry, baby, I've been here before.

You just keep sneezing. Gimli rode each smoothly, moving with Legolas as Legolas had done earlier during the massage. Nothing to forgive, Gimli replied just as breathlessly, though without the excuse of sneezes. He nuzzled his face into Legolas' hair and neck

as he continued to take the elf with strong thrusts. His moans were muffled for a moment, and then almost entirely drowned out by the elves. Pleased to know how pleased Legolas was, Gimli sped up. Usually his stamina allowed a lovemaking to take ages, but after they had been through, he knew that the easiest way to return to normalcy

was to finish. Wait, so his cum is magic? I guess. He is an immortal. Yeah, man, he's a is magic? I guess. He is an immortal. Yeah, man, he's a dwarf or whatever. All right. I'm glad to know that'll fix him. Legolas?

No, Legolas. He whispered, his voice low and desperate. He knew it was time. Oomph! Legolas replied, a hand pressed to the back of his nose to hold back his sneeze. But his nod was one of encouragement, and it was echoed in the way his hips rocked eagerly. And it was Legolas who came first, with clenched teeth, a hess of air in and out, and a groan in the back of his throat. Gimli, on the other hand, most definitely moaned loudly, getting a mouthful of wet, blonde hair for his part.

When he finished, he rolled off the elf, but immediately took Legolas in his arms, cuddling with exhaustion, pleasure, affection, and appreciation all at once. Gimli also shaved another handkerchief and cupped it to Legolas' nose and mouth. Legolas thanked him with a look, then allowed him to sneeze. Hey, hey, hey. nose and mouth. Legolas thanked him with a look, then allowed him to sneeze. Hey, hey, shh. Galoo, Gimli sighed, shaking his head. He craned his neck and kissed the elf's nose tenderly. Please forgive me. I feel terribly about the sneezes. I truly should have recognized those leaves. Adainon. I truly should have recognized those leaves.

Adainon! Chuckling softly, Legolas shook his head. I admit it was quite an awkward time to discover I am allergic to those candles, but I mind it not. The itching is gone and the sniffles are going. He sighed and turned his head, nuzzling into Gimli's cheek and beard. His lips pecked at Gimli's open ones. Now that the dwarf had relieved and unburdened himself,

he was ready to fall asleep as always after a good session of lovemaking. And besides, we end up in each other's arms beneath the stars. Do you not remember how we spoke of the stars earlier this night? Oh wait, the elf should have said, Yeah, fuck it, who cares? The end. Gimli knows one paragraph. Gimli did not answer. Though he was not yet asleep, he was well on his way.

Legolas rubbed his nose then rested his hands on Gimli's hip. The spring night was warm enough for them to go without more than the cover of the heavens. Not in need of sleep, Legolas lay still and listened to the dwarfs breathing while he watched the movements of the sky. He felt much better now, and was certain all symptoms would disappear in a short time.

However, Legolas did make note to keep his distance from their bedrooms until the candle's fragrance left. When the incident had been an awkward adventure, he was quite thankful for the fresh air, and a lover with the best of intentions. The end. And the end. And afterward. Not my world, I'm sad to say, but not that sad as I don't want to be sued. Written because of a bunny Lady Karana sent my way for weekly hatching number 51.

What? What? What? Written because of a bunny Lady Karana sent my way for weekly hatching number 51 oh of course yeah upon reflection I just didn't hear it again

being a bunny of the bread variety can you shed some light on that oh well I could but man I don't really think my family would no no no just forget you heard that okay ancient bunny secret oh shit it's also part of my think my family would... No, no, no. Just forget you heard that. Okay. Ancient Bunny Secret. Oh, shit.

It's also part of my Legolas and the Bush series. Smiley face. Oh, God. There's a series. Yes. Hey, sir. Next time. No, no. What are you doing? Next time, Acer.

Next time. Oh. Also, I have to mention that there's this one bit of this that was rather directly inspired by one of La Sagallon's Legolas pieces. I knew it. Plagiarist? I didn't see that. Legolas and the Bush.

I know it's referencing what he's allergic to, but I just can't stop thinking about the president. It's the dreaded Bush. Oh, that would be awesome. Yeah, you can find it. Hey there, Legolas. Actually, you can just call him Slim. Oh, dear.

Hey there. Wait, there's a lot Slim. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Wait, there's a lot of it. Hey there, Blondie. Hey there, Blondie. Do the carpet match the curtains? Yeah. So you've got Lord of the Rings, but he's also done Lost Fan Fiction.

Oh, okay. If you look on TarotGals website, you'll see there's no less than a hundred pieces of Harry Potter sneeze fiction written by... Oh no. Oh no.

There's more than a dozen Percy and Oliver pairing ones. I refuse to believe. I believe that there is a God and he is loving and cares pairing ones. I refuse to believe. I believe that there is a God, and he is loving and cares for us. Suddenly, Ayo has a backlog. Look what just happened.

No. No. No, God, no. There's not enough bourbon in the world. Equal time to Anne of Green Gables and Queer as Folk. That's point of five. Star Wars, Star Trek, Highlander, Lord of the Rings, hockey. And they're all hockey?

Hockey? Hockey? How does that even work? Oh, oh. Game seven of the 1990s. Oh, I echoed there. Yeah. Okay.

Game seven of the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals with the wonderful Sabres versus the Evil Stars. Guess who I wish had won. Well, there's a bit of a bug floating about making the game much more difficult. Oh, no. Oh, no. The Washington Capitals have a run-in with the cold and flu season. First, handsome Adam Oates. Then, many more. Smiley face.

Both of those are unfinished, which I assume he came before he finished them. Yeah. It's like a whole hockey team sneezing. Oh, God, yes. Okay, I'm tired now. Next story. There's something about Mullins and reflex actions that gets me hot. He

wrote a story called The Rocky Horror Picture Show Part 2. Ah, and they sneezed, right? Hard chewed, and then a second lifted his fist to his nose and mouth for a second. Half-arc hard chew. Crossovers. Oh, crossovers.

What do you have in store here? I posted the link of the actual story itself so you can see how the sneezes are spelled. Oh, yeah. Accuracy. So, Boots, Boots, please tell us

how you found sneeze fiction in the first place This is all your discovery I didn't find it My wife found it This was several years ago We were having some sort of contest It was like a find the bottom of the internet

kind of thing before 4chan existed That's a shortcut. Yeah, exactly. And she found this piece of sneeze fiction from a website called sneezefetishforum.net. And it was a 20,000-word thing about Qui-Gon Jinn caring for Obi-Wan Kenobi.

thing about Qui-Gon Jinn caring for Obi-Wan Kenobi. It's probably written between the first two prequel movies. Was it essentially this setup? Except it wasn't erotica. Just guys hanging around? Yeah, it was Qui-Gon Jinn

feeding Obi-Wwan kenobi t and then he got better and really elaborate jerked off to that and really elaborate sneezes i guess spelled it oh yeah very elaborate sneezes it's like i think it's like a contest they were like yeah um and so when we were talking about the concept of this podcast, I figured I'd go back to that site and try to find some more material. And I noticed now they have it all sectioned off into different areas. And there's an addled area, which I wanted to get into,

but I had to get through. I failed. They have an elaborate vetting process for it. First thing I had to do was register, and then I had to wait a week for approval. And then I got approval, and then I had to fill out a questionnaire about my sneeze fetish to prove that I am actually a sneeze fetishist. And you failed. Do you remember what the questions were? Don't worry, man. It's just an FBI honeypot.

You dodged it. One of them was, tell about how you discovered when you got your fetish. And I said, when I was younger, I dated a girl who had bad allergies, and I realized it turned me on. But that ultimately ruined our relationship. I thought that was believable. Yeah. That's a good origin story. The Marvel Comics version of

your fetish. But it appears that account has actually been deleted so I don't think I passed. You know, your fetish has caused you pain in the past, but you stuck with it. That's a real green flag for them. I know. That's exactly what I was going for.

They saw through me. Maybe you had to submit your own fetish fiction. I got it. I have the problem right there. The problem wasn't that you were working through your pain. The problem is that you said you had a girlfriend. Yeah. That's what I was thinking.

It's like, wait a second, so he wants to sign up for a sneeze fetish fanfiction. Yeah, but I said that in past tense. But he said he had a girlfriend at one point? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I like to think that throughout this forum

are just a whole bunch of beleaguered fans. Like, just a bunch of beleaguered girlfriends, you know? That have guys following them around like, How you feeling? You got a cold? No, I don't have a cold today. They don't slip roofies, they slip like sneezing powder into ladies' drinks. Yeah, they just flash pepper at them. Yeah.

his drinks. Yeah, they just flash pepper at him. Thankfully, that's all we have for you this week. John, what did you learn today? Oh, nothing I didn't know, and that's that amazingly broken people can write some great things on the internet. I don't know.

I think the sneeze thing, I think it's an avenue I want to maybe consider, you know, maybe browse into the other sites, other fan fiction there. Yeah. I mean, you know, expand your horizons. Don't get snuck in. I was just very happy to learn that there's so many ways you can spell a sneeze. Oh, yes. Oh, I mean, you got to, we're going to,

will we put a link to the sneeze part, to the sneeze site on the FPL.us? Oh, yes. Because we better, because, I want to say that, because the variance and the way the sneezes are written and typed out is amazing. You can tell just a lot of care and a lot of love was put into how each sneeze sounded

and the cadence, and it's just, it's a work of love, really. My favorite, I mean, I love all three of those pieces so very, very much, but my favorite part about the Lord of the Rings thing was that the sex that happens is so secondary. Like it happens and then he's like, oh, whatever. And I'm sneezing too.

And then it's like, oh, and he finished. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but you think the person who wrote that had a little bit more experience with sneezing than they did with actual human sex? Or dwarf elf sex. Dwarf elf sex, would you assume? Very different. Very, very different.

Do please visit us on our website at thefplus.us. Our thanks to our readers, Bunnybread, Acer Ocolotl, and Squiddy McOnwee. And big thanks to our editor, Boots Reindeer. Say thank you, Boots. Thank you, Boots. Still doesn't get old. And that's all the time we have. We're going to be doing this once a week.

And let's do this again sometime. Goodbye. Thanks for listening. Bye-bye.