The F Plus - 203: It's Toasted

Episode Date: February 6, 2016

Hoping to make some better decisions in his life, Lemon's been taking some time self examining his smoking habit. Then he reached out to his friend Montrith to see if she had any related reading material which would speak to cigarette smoking's effect on the body and mind. Then Lemon was reminded that Montrith knows only agony. To that end, we take a long journey through Smoking Feels Good, and then close on Liberty Van. Then all that's left is for Lemon to edit a episode where the words "smoking" and "cigarettes" are uttered a couple hundred times. This week, The F Plus needs a domain name for their new yellow denture business.

Hello listeners This is the F Plus Podcast A terrible place, there's terrible things They're red with enthusiasm In the room tonight we have Boots Rain Gear As for me, it is enjoyment for me to watch a lady And also some men enjoy their cigarettes Both smoking on one another, French inhaling

Smoky French kissing, entire body smoking And others, let me know what you think Stog! My girlfriend used to hate me smoking, but then I kept bugging her to have a cigarette with me. Now she's super addicted, smiley face. John Toast! I love my black tar-filled lungs!

Kumquats up! I program my husband in PC Assembler, PC Compiler Basic, VMXX, GIS, PC Rex, and training class in C language. And Lemon. Hey guys, let's explain our smoking fetishes here. I go out of control seeing hot women smoking with... I have to masturbate immediately.

Oh, the masturbation light went on. Gotta masturbate. What do you think entire body smoking is? It's when you just... You get into a giant humidifier that looks like a cigarette and smoke yourself like a... Like barbecue. I'm going to masturbate.

I'm going to masturbate. Let me just tell the forum that that's why I'm leaving. Otherwise, they'll worry about me. Top it up, yeah, yeah Top it up, say the proper, proper thing Hey, F-Plus. Hello. Hi. How has your health been lately? Have you had any changes of life or resolutions or anything like that?

I've been at five. I stopped drinking soda. I've been at five. I stopped drinking soda. I've been at six. Oh, damn it. How do you do that? Tell me. I started at seven. Shit.

Well, I want to take us at a cessation of smoking for myself personally. Well, congratulations. All right. Sure. It is not going well. I am not optimistic about the results, but, you know, this is where I am. I am sort of bitchier than usual, which is, you know, yeah, exactly. Already kind of a difficult place to come from. lifestyle plan here, that we can find some sites about smoking and about what smoking does to the body.

And hopefully that... Is that all right? I mean, it feels like that's a little personal on me. I'm sorry about that. But like... No, it's fine. Is that okay? Could you just help us out?

I can't imagine there'd be anything weird about it. Sure. No, I don't think so. So I asked Montress to just find me just a regular old smoking site, and so she found me a site called Smoking Feels Good. It's a name I can understand.

There's a Surgeon General's warning at the top, and it says, pleasure warning, cigarette smoke contains pleasurable substances. Okay. Smoking is addictive. Once you feel the pleasure, you may never want to stop. The mission is, bullet point, to educate and provide practical information on the pleasures of smoking. Bullet point, provide an online community for those who love to smoke.

And bullet point, thwart the anti-pleasure establishment by showing that people really do enjoy smoking. The anti-pleasure establishment. God damn it. This is amazing. Stop having fun. Stop having pleasure right now. You, on the street, stop.

So, did any of the rest of you have cigarette dalliances in your youth? Nope. All right. If college counts as youth and a little bit after college, yeah. I never smoke. Goodbye.

A little bit of the funny cigarettes, if you know what I mean. I have no idea what you mean. I started right out of high school as a journeyman in the anti-pleasure union. Jack booted anti-pleasure thugs. Well, that's fine. So, Stog, you've never smoked before. So, Boots is going to tell you how to start smoking.

Because if you want to go through this journey, obviously you need a good starting point to come from. So, Boots, walk him through this, won't you? I get it. That's a great coffee got there. Yeah. So you've read the fact. You've decided to experience the pleasures

of smoking. We wrote this guide to start you right off right. Just follow this guide to start you right off right. Just follow this step-by-step guide, and you'll be smoky in no time. This is right next to a photo that is, like, production still from MTV's Teen Mom. If you have a friend that's also interested,

do it together. No. Don't got one. Okay. You're going to make friends, Doc. This is how you make friends. Step one, buy two packs of cigarettes and a Bic lighter.

Not one of those plastic ones they sell at the smoke shops. Don't get one of those candy cigarettes. They're real easy to confuse. There are literally hundreds of brands and styles to choose from, each with its own taste and unique characteristics. To start, I recommend purchasing a pack of Marble Light 100s Gold Pack and Marble Red 100s, both in the box, not soft pack. If you're not comfortable with these, then pick two that you are comfortable with.

Smoke a Marble cigarette or note. Yeah, one light, one full flavor. Buy these from a store that sells lots comfortable with. Smoke a Marlboro cigarette or a note. Yeah, one light, one full flavor. Buy these from a store that sells lots of cigarettes. You don't want to be stuck with an old pack for your first time out. Can't I just vape instead? No. No, you can't, Stog.

Yeah, we don't have any proper images from bigstogphoto.com to use for that. Stog, this is, you know, we're all joking around and stuff, but no, you can't. I think, honestly, my voice might be permanently like this now. Well, what do I do next?

Get comfortable. Step two. Just get comfortable, sit down, and relax. I thought that's what the cigarette was supposed to be for. You have to do it before you smoke the cigarette. Step three, practice the act. Open your pack of lights, pull a cigarette out. The cigarette is much like a straw insofar as you pull or suck something into your mouth with the straw, then swallow it. What sort of aliens are you explaining this to?

Wow. The difference with the cigarette is you'll be inhaling rather than swallowing. Oh, good. It's a good idea you made that distinction. Otherwise, I would have just spilled it right there. That's why I'm here to help. Put the cigarette to your lips. Exhale out your nose. Pull.

Suck. Oh, wow. Right into the French inhale? Yeah. Pull. Suck. On the cigarette. Open your mouth. Moving the cigarette away and inhale quickly. Taking a full breath from your mouth.

What's happening is that you're pulling the smoke into your mouth. Oh, no shit! Okay! Then removing the cigarette and inhaling the smoke into your lungs. It's as simple

as that. Give it a few tries. Get comfortable with it. Teacher, I got confused and ate my pack of cigarettes what do i do now go back to step one okay thanks i have a question what if the lit cigarette falls out of my lips and onto my lap you haven't lit it yet oh step four is light it on fire Light up and inhale Now it's time to really give it a shot Since this is your first time Just like with coffee or alcohol

Don't expect to fully enjoy the taste That'll come a little later After a few packs Develop the debilitating device and hate it Do it! Do it you bitch! Put the cigarette to you mouth. This is a good idea. Well, I fucking hate

myself. Time to go. Fully exhale. Light the cigarette. Bring it to the tip of the cigarette and then pull the smoke into your mouth. Remove the cigarette from your mouth and inhale quickly. Hold it for a second and fully exhale.

This is literally just telling people how to breathe. Yes. But which end of the cigarette do I do it with? Do I do it with the lid end? Do I put the lid end in my mouth and then inhale? It actually doesn't mention that, does it? Yeah, you can use whatever end you want, really. Do it sideways.

Poke a hole in part of the paper yeah the one you should feel a rush of pleasure and your first instinct will be to do it again don't you can have too much of a good thing you'll feel sick if you have too much

so put it out and wait at least an hour but not longer than a day light another one up, allowing yourself to take two puffs. Keep moving up by one puff each time you light a new cigarette. Once you finish the first pack, go on to the second.

I don't know if the person who wrote this has actually smoked before. I mean, who's lit up and smoked for the first time and then been like, oh, I just want to pump more of this into my lungs. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I got to hand it to him.

What's that? I know we kind of doubted, guys, but given the overriding and pervasive influence of the anti-pleasure establishment, I think we really got to commend WikiHow for sponsoring this. Yay, WikiHow! commend wiki how for sponsoring this yay wiki how wiki how did i mean in one of our episodes i remember researching how to smoke a cigarette and i remember there being many more steps um uh come quads up do you have any sort of uh problem that uh i have two problems i have two i know i have a problem and i have another problem okay what's that that makes two problems yes yes hello yes hello i want to get addicted then quit all right i don't have enough difficulty in my life okay that sounds great i bet

you know uh speaking for experience i bet both of those things will be great for you. Yeah, my name is Biker Guy. Right. Well, I am quite sure reading the title, everyone thinks that this idea doesn't make sense at all. Got it. But this is my plan. Now it's going to make sense. You know, when I ask where you see yourself in five years, this isn't quite what I meant.

I am 27 years old, have never smoked. I know it's hard to believe, but this is the truth. Not even in parties. Never. That's impossible. A person who's never smoked? Every human being has smoked cigarettes. I live a quite healthy lifestyle doing sports etc but sports

all the healthy stuff you know it was yeah it was and such as a outreach it was a software etc competitor yay crickets no no you don't get credit for that one but in the last year or so I have been fantasizing about smoking

oh where can I get a cigarette I don't know where can I get a cigarette there is just something in the thought of addiction

and smoking in general that really keeps me thinking about it. I know it for 100% that I won't be a smoker. Yeah! Yeah! It's like all the times that I said out loud, I'm pretty sure I'm not addicted. I like to live healthy and free of addictions, but I also want to know how these things feel. Is this Forrest McNeil? Is this Forrest McNeil right now? Smoking a cigarette.

Three and a half stars. Just smoking one cigarette wouldn't do it for me, as I know the first few are not pleasurable anyway. So here's my plan. Uh-huh. Right. I will start to smoke until I will get a really

strong craving slash addiction so I will experience them and also I will have more insight to people's life who say they simply can't stop it anymore. Oh my god, amazing. Yeah. And after that period, I will quit. Oh man, I'm gonna rename you Will because of your

force of... Sorry. Yes, I know a lot is of people say similar things about quitting that it's not that easy, or more like impossible, but with most of them, they like smoking anyway!

And they don't consider it as unhealthy as for example me yes you are unhealthy god with every sentence the Forrest McNeil thing is like really proving out I know I won't be able to quit

but want to experience the whole thing first yes even the hardness of quitting from the addiction. Absolutely, man. You only live once. When you say the hardness of quitting from addiction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just wants a challenge, you know.

Life's boring. I want to get addicted to something and then kick it. Boots? Boots? I'm quitting smoking. Oh, God. Oh, wow. Okay.

Oh, it's so hard. Oh, my. As I have never done these kinds of things before, I would like to ask you guys about a few things. What's that? Number one. First of all, I read in a few topics here that marble reds are really strong and they will get you hooked quickly would you suggest this cigarette for my purposes i mean it's not really about strong or not strong it's actually really mostly about the nicotine level

so uh my purposes are get a quick get addicted quickly and be strong then actually i mean you should actually do like the cheaper ones. Like the winners or like the GPCs. Those are the floor sweeping cigarettes. Those that have the most nicotine in them. It's like the Charles Atlas approach to cigarettes. Or just pump a bunch of iron with a cigarette in your mouth. You know what you should do is just open up all the cigarettes,

pour all the leaves in your mouth, and then throw a match in there. That's the best way to start. Number two. Probably the most important. I want to decide on a time interval where I will keep smoking. I need a long enough time to get addicted really bad, but not too long either. Oh, I just can't get out

of this bed. Oh, it's so good. I am thinking about two months time. Would that be adequate in your opinion? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. And last, how to build up the whole addiction. How should I start out?

How many cigarettes? What time of day? How to decide when I can raise my levels? Right. Just any time. Just when you think you want a cigarette, have a cigarette. Just be like Homer's file photo at every moment of every day. Dabble in alcoholism for like eight years and then smoke constantly as part of it.

Raise your levels. Hey, John, you could get up to a six. Oh, yes. This is how you do it. Okay, great, great, great. I'm looking forward to it. I will be able to smoke from Monday till Friday as many cigarettes as I want, but not on Saturday and Sundays. I'm Saturday Adventist.

Lord's Day. I'm Christian and Jewish. Any suggestion advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm only allowed to smoke at work. And then, John, do you have a response for him? Yeah, I got a response. What's that? Crazy.

I like it! Hey, man! I'm 27 as well! And even though this I like it! Hey, man! I'm 27 as well. And even though this seems like a crazy idea, and I've never heard anyone doing that before, I like it. Let's both be stupid idiots in our late 20s. Yeah!

You seem to know exactly what you want, and in a way you will be able to see the other side and get a full experience. Yeah, exactly what you what you i think it's really interesting and you should keep us updated oh with your determination i'm sure you can manage it even though it may be hard you want that too regarding your questions god i'm out of breath for some reason uh marlboro reds are good to get addicted and really get to taste a full flavor what the fuck if you find them too strong to begin maybe you could try

another brand first but switch to reds as fast as possible it's important that the box is red so confusing about the timeline i'm not so sure addiction needs time to settle in real physical addiction and two meds may not be enough but it really depends on the amount you smoke i would say somewhere between three and six months would be better once you're smoking a proper amount that is anyway you need to be a bit flexible on that. See if you can find yourself addicted earlier or not too addicted yet. Yeah, because that's my... Imagine this guy like 20 years in is like, I can't quit yet. I'm not addicted.

No, I promise I'll quit as soon as I'm addicted to these things. Imagine the guy just sitting in a chair just like taking a drag. Not yet. Not feeling addicted yet. Nope. Gonna keep going. Two and a half packs a day. Not yet reaching my goals. Because it's different for each person you see.

Now I would make a smoking schedule. Make an advent calendar. Make an advent calendar with a cigarette in each part. And a cigar at the end. Because Jesus was born. Find specific regular times to smoke and increase slowly

but daily. Have you thought about the amount you'd like to smoke during this time? Anyway, you can start with a three to five a day and try to increase by addicting, by adding. I don't know why I said addicting there. You can find what? Cigarettes or packs? By adding one cig every two or three days.

You do not need to push yourself a bit at first to get addicted quickly. Not to smoke whenever you want it. You're the best around nothing's gonna ever keep you down and that just ends the pile of bucks that i'm just dead on the floor you do need to push yourself a bit at first to get addicted quickly not just smoke whatever you want it isn't that what addiction... Whatever. Still not feeling addicted. I could help you with this. I would like to.

If you want more advice, write to me and add me on Skype. I'm a fucking idiot at Hotmail.com. Good luck! They're gonna have some smoking talks. Try, uh... Try coloring your fingers and lips yellow with a marker just to get in the mood.

That'd be good. Just two months? It took me six months to be get addicted. To be get addicted. To be get addicted. I think you should plan to smoke at least that long.

You'll know you're addicted when you wake up in the middle of the night and feel you absolutely need a cigarette. Until then, even if you crave, it does not mean you're addicted. Right, right, right. What does that mean, then, if I'm craving

a cigarette? What does that mean? When I'm craving a cigarette, does that mean I'm addicted to the cigarette? It means you like them because they're oh so tasty. Oh, okay, that makes sense. At at any rate anyone who really wants to quit can and will quit even after decades of regular smoking these people not get what addiction is so it's not something it's not something you have to work at, it's not a diet. I'm also not addicted. Yep, you totally are. Though there is quite a high chance you'll not really want to quit

at the end of the experiment. And if so, you will not be able to quit. We humans are really good at lying to ourselves. Including those of us who don't lie to others. You're almost at a really, actually, true point there.

So, hey guys, I've been wanting to smoke after exercise. Better undo all of this and ah. Right, exactly. That's some good cardio. Fuck you, legs! Yeah, I can breathe. Yeah. Oh, air tastes gross.

Better smoke. This gym smells like shit. Oh, there you go. You got it. So, my name's Dana O. Oh. I have always wanted to be a person who has exercised regularly, mainly to stay in shape, though it is great for the mind, too. This morning I attended an aerobics class and followed this with a 45-minute swim.

Okay. After the swim, I showered and changed. I felt really great and my lungs felt fresh. Walking back to my car, I lit a cigarette. Good. Yay! The feeling as the smoke filled my lungs was sensational, and it was like I was smoking for the first time again.

Up until today, I had not smoked after a workout, though I can see this will become a new association for me. Associations aren't part of addictive behavior, are they? Hey, Dana, I'm your right lung. Me and left lung were getting together, and we really thank you for all that exercise. Oh, fucking goddammit! Fuck, why? Still not addicted. Still not addicted, though.

You guys are such fucking whiners. This feels amazing. Oh, fuck. I started to wonder, how many others have a cigarette after they exercise? If you do, does it make you feel good? I think one of those two activities decreases as you do the other. And then, Boots, smoking and exercise, please. I smoke around three packs a day, but I still think that I'm healthy. Fucking stupid.

I'm a bodybuilder and look after my body even though I smoke. I exercise twice a day. No, that's not what you do. Right. I'm a bodybuilder and look after my body

even through I smoke. Through the I smoke, I see my rippling pecs. Even through the I smoke. After my tuna shake, I love to smoke. I exercise twice a day and smoke before, after, and sometimes during my exercise. In the morning, I wake up and change. I'm a whole different kind of gym asshole. In the morning I wake up...

There's a new breed coming to town, motherfucker. I go, I work on the Sisyphean work routine, workout routine. More of a Prometheus for me. It's fire, I get it. In the morning I wake up and chain two cigs. Then I go for a jog for around four kilometers, my local park, and then I have a small break and smoke one more. You know he's a real smoker because he uses the lingo. Yeah, chain two cigs, baby.

Daddy-o. I find that some people... I roll them up in my shirt sleeve. I find that some people also exercise and look at me funny, but I just enjoy the smoke filling my lungs with a slight breeze. Sure, sure.

Stick a fan in front of your face. Yeah, just standing looking at the distance going, ah, and you can slowly see like the handheld fan come up to his face. American woman! Then I jog home and get ready for work. After work about four-ish, I chain a few more in the car on the way back to the gym. I'm at the gym for around three hours, and halfway through my workout, I go for a break with my workout partner. I find that smoking doesn't affect me that much, but I think that is because I've been smoking since I was ten. Oh, Ponyboy!

Ponyboy, we found you! Stay gold, Ponyboy. Ponyboy, we found you! Stay gold, Ponyboy. Perfect. Way to go. Nay. The longer you smoke, the more, like, accustomed to it, and, like, your body just, like, builds calluses around it. It's great. I think his smoking, I think his

workout partner, by the way, is that giant walking cigarette from Doonesbury? You see, kids, Doonesbury was... We'll be here all day. I love the fact that you're a bodybuilder and also a

3-PPD smoker. That is amazing! To keep that hard work at the gym and also give your lungs what they need. I really like smoker bodybuilders.

Smiley face. Good for you. Come on. Come on. Smoke a cigarette. Come on, please. Now I can picture as a guy doing like a deadlift in like an Olympic competition.

Just like, I can't bring it up. It's like here. And then somebody lights a cigarette, puts it in his mouth. It's like. Exactly. And then he drops it and dies. Fucking stupid. Hi, everybody.

Is this where the smoking's happening? Yeah, this is where all the smoking's happening. Come on in. I can't see you yet for all the smoke are you uh you're oh you're the guy that just learned to smoke at the beginning of this episode how's everything going i lit my crotch on fire well that's unrelated i had i had also had to change my name to hank have as ordered by the state because i have four reasons yeah for reasons. I'm in the CIA. Anyway, about yellow smoker's teeth.

I don't know about you, guys. You don't. But I actually find a woman with slightly yellow smoker's teeth sexy. Oh, fucking what? Okay. Today, everybody seems to go haywire regarding whitening their teeth, but I admit to being a bit of a fetishist regarding women with yellow teeth. I would disagree with a bit of.

I think you're pretty clearly a fetishist. Smiley face, am I alone here? I wish you were You're not I find a woman who has dingy yellow teeth from heavy chain smoking so incredibly sexy

If she has that thick wet smoker's cough, it's even more sexy. My wife's teeth are slightly yellow. It's a turn on. I also love to think of how black her lungs are when she smokes and the nicotine flowing through the veins of her sexy body. Love my smoking addicted wife. It can be kind of a turn on to observe a member of the tender gender.

The usual signs of a smoker. I saw tender gender open up for psychedelic first you make this about a guy it's a tender gender as in the yellow teeth brown stain on the fingers are smokers cow and guess are Smoker's Cow. And guess... Cow? Smoker's Cow? Oh, there it is. How do you spell cow, by the way? It's with an A-U-G-H.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how to cow, don't you? Yeah, I think it's well- You just put your lips together and cow. You just put your lips together and kowf. Guess whether she smokes or not. But what is really sexy is when she has none of the symptoms, as in white teeth,

no brown stains on her fingers, and no smoker's kowf. She lights up, takes a huge drag. Inhales deep and exhales. Like she's done in for years. My ideal is the announcer from the Warriors. Not even like the full woman announcing, just the mouth you see in the cigarette. That's it.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife's teeth are spotless white. She takes them out to clean them as she lost her original teeth a while back. She has them for almost 50 years, so I know her lungs are good and black by now as are mine. It's fucking the worst. That doesn't count, you idiot. It's the worst that doesn't count you idiot it's the worst I hate it I don't like it

I love her yellow teeth I keep them in a bag I love my wife's yellow teeth you want to see them here let me reach it in my pocket I'm definitely going to start a company for yellow tinted dentures for smoking fetishists? Hey, Kumput.

Yes, hello? What domain would you purchase for that? There's.club, there's.guru, there's.ninja. There's.website..zoo's available. No, I was thinking maybe, you know yellow teeth dot republican yellow teeth republican yellow teeth republic how much i'm gonna look up now

actually i think republican is an expensive one but i'm gonna look it up anyway it's not republican uh stock do you have something to read hi my name's rouchan okay 25 a year for a yellow teeth that Republican. Thanks. Thanks for that. Excellent. That's who I campaigned for in high school. Age restrictions!

Woo! Okay. Woo. What? Age restrictions! I will be 18 in 19 days! 19 days!

Okay. I believe you. Yep. I went to two establishments at the wooden Sel I believe you. Yep. I went to two establishments and the wouldn't sell me cigs. Yeah, because... I have been rolling my own with no paper for weeks from cigs I find on the ground. Holy shit!

Are you a hobo in the 1920s? Or in prison? Or both? I'm sure whatever he says in the next sentence isn't going to confirm that i empty the back into a tin and i smoke that back well welcome to the club thanks for using our lingo. I smoke the non-wacky tabacky. You're reaching into my backy tin for me, dear.

Yeah, thank you. I'm mad because the Fed has no business telling me what I can and can't do with my body. Can a guy have a smoke? Come on! I have met you in every city I've ever been to. Hey, you got a smoke? You got a smoke? You got a smoke?

You got a smoke? You got some of that backy? Some of that sweet, sweet backy? You got some of that backy for me? That's my backy! Go away! Are you done with that cigarette? If so, can you empty the backy into my tin? Can you just blow it in my mouth with smoke?

Okay. Okay. So, I'm this guy. And my topic is called smoking cigarettes with vagina. So that means, like, you're a woman smoking a cigarette, like you possess a cigarette and a vagina, right? Nope! The other day, I met a woman at a bar who, when we both stepped outside for a cigarette, claimed she could smoke with her vagina. Oh, this must have been a classy establishment.

Oh. It's the kind that has the Christmas lights up every day of the year inside the bar. Assuming she was messing with me, I said, I'll believe that when I'll see it. She sat on a bench. Oh, my God. She sat on a bench in front of the bar and pulled her skirt up and promptly put the filter of the cigarette she was smoking into her slit. I then resolved never to go back to Philadelphia. Because of the weather or what?

Yeah, that was it. It was really cloudy that day yeah oh also a woman tried to smoke with her pussy in front of me on a park bench but you know the weather was the real thing anyway um i was shocked to say the least but even more shocking amazing is probably a better word she was actually able to smoke the cigarette with her vagina. Yay. So a couple questions for female smokers related to this. I've got a couple questions for you, but all right. Like cousins? So number one, have you ever tried this?

Number two, if so, did you succeed? Succeed is an interesting word. I mean in life. Well, I know the answer to that one right now. Did you get that strip club job or not? Number three, was it hard to do? Number four, did you get a buzz nicotine high from it? I only ask these questions because I'm debating asking my girlfriend to give it a try.

Oh, no. Does your vagina connect to your lungs? I know women. And no women answered that question. Wow. That's very surprising. Yeah.

Okay, so this document, once again, put together by Mantrith, and thank you very much for that. Thank you, Mantrith. And I think since we're on the topic of smoking and sexuality, John, will you ask a question about whether or not ladies find that smoking leads to sexual arousal? Well, let me take a look. Okay, ladies. Do you often find that smoking leads to sexual arousal?

I think that voice leads me to sexual arousal, yes. Okay. Considering I'm in such a horny mood, I'll see if I can conjure up a smoking hot scenario. Let's see. You get it? Yeah, sink it in, isn't it? It's a good joke. I think we can do it. Well, I think I mentioned in

past posts that I love the idea of my boof coming in and, oh, this is a lady. Alright, let me change up the voice. Coming in and approaching me from behind with a warm hug and placing a new pack of cigarettes in and approaching me from behind with a warm hug and placing a new pack of cigarettes in front of me and whispering in my ear

that he wants me to have a cigarette. No, yeah, I think you're doing the right voice, John. We call that Arkansas foreplay. This is a real, genuine woman. He pushes my long hair away from my neck and starts kissing it gently, then whispers to me

to go ahead and open the pack and place a cigarette between my lips so he can light it for me he then tells me to take a long drag because his cock will get hard seeing me taking the smoke that will fill my lungs and he wants to see the pleasure he knows i will feel doing just that and he has dreams of me exhaling long streams of smoke as I tilt my head up to release it. I know this because he said, my cock will get hard seeing you take in the smoke that will fill your lungs.

And I want to see the pleasure. Hey, honey, you know what? My cock will get... Boy, it's interesting, actual woman, that so much of what you're writing about here is his arousal and pleasure. That's weird that you would write from that perspective, actual woman. Yeah, didn't you know? My name is Rita Oplay.

I programmed my husband in C-sharp. Thanks, dog. You're welcome. Now, why C-sharp? This is a joke from a different universe Guys, we gotta get back to the sexy times You ready? Whip from Bizarro Headlines

I do as he suggested When he begins to touch my breast softly His fingers caressing my very sensitive nipples That immediately become hard whenever his hand comes near That very sensitive nipples that immediately become hard whenever his hand comes near that's how nipples work he sees me take that long hard drag of my long white cigarette and it tastes so good and even before i can't exhale i can feel his rock hard cock come up behind me hello there little. I like the idea that nipples are a theremin.

I exhale a long white stream of smoke towards the ceiling. Oh my god, so sexy. And he takes my nipples between his finger. Boo! Just wraps it around. It's a very long finger. It reaches all the way across the breast like snake finger it's a finger uh and takes my nipples between his finger holding them like i

hold my cigarette and with ever so slight pressure while holding my firm breast and continues to kiss my neck my pussy has become so wet as I take each deep inhale and release the smoke with pleasure to exhales as he reaches down to remove my panties to touch my primed clip, push it in and out like I'm a lawnmower. I think you flooded it. You're going to have to wait. Leave me out in the shed for an hour.

My pussy is vapor luck. Hi, I'm John Deere. You know, when you're mowing the lawn with the pussy, you really want to. And go to thefpl.us to buy my pussy has vapor luck stickers. Order now. They don't exist yet he fingers my pussy while he grinds his rock hard cock against me from behind you notice my long cigarette is almost finished but still enough for a few good more drags and he asked me to place it in his lips and tells me to light another and hold it

between my lips while he lifts my skirt so I can put his ready cock inside me. He wants us to fuck and drag on our cigarettes as we do. Aren't we getting this out of order, honey? Pretty multitasky. Oh, honey. Harder!

I'm confused what you would do after the sex smoke again we're addicted now that's how you finally get addicted oh that's the barrier it's either six months or you go the fucking route where were we disgusting smoke sex

that's correct yeah that's right right there oh yeah there we go. The feeling of both his cock and smoke inside me is ecstasy. Every hard thrust sends us both closer and closer to orgasm. Orgasm Mississippi. It's Portland orgasm. No, orgasm is when you fold yourself up into a swan. Well, fucking. Hey, well, fucking. orgasm no our orgasm is when you fold yourself up into a swan well fucking hey well fucking as i draw in more smoke with each thrust of his cock is that even possible is that like holding your eyes open while saying whatever i'm breathing through my everyone knows that on the thrust is the point where you want to breathe in. Yeah, you know. Yeah.

I am breathing through my cigarette, then exhaling long plumes from my nose. Oh, you're that kid. Check this out. I look so cool. Also, I'm fucking my husband. Anyways. No other way to do it at this point. It is all so intense, and we love every decadent moment of it.

Just thrust after thrust. I feel orgasm approaching. It is almost too intense, and we love every decadent moment of it, just thrust after thrust. I feel orgasm approaching. It is almost too much to handle. And I know he is on the verge of coming deep inside me. With one more deep thrust and another deep inhale, we reach orgasm and plumes of smoke through the air. Fireworks. Just covered in sweat and ash then the bed starts on fire well how are we gonna sleep now

oh my god really Jesus sorry I'm sorry so now do you have anything to share with me? No. I'll pull my BF as the guy in the story, but if you want to envision yourself in place

of him, then by all means do so. Smiley ass smiley face. I kind of was like, like non-voluntarily and it was bad. It didn't make me feel good. Hey, hey, hey, hey, Lisa. Come on, Lisa. Come on, Lisa. I'm sorry. involuntarily and it was bad. It didn't make me feel good. Hey! Hey! Hey! Lisa! Come on, Lisa! Come on, Lisa. I'm sorry. Lisa! Oh, I swear!

Come on, Lisa! Come on, Lisa. That's what he did. Lisa! You are a wild rocker chick that secretly wants to be tattooed and pierced and clad in sexy black leather with a 40-a-day Marlboro red habit. Holy shit! What? Jesus Christ!

I don't like your roleplay. I'm turning it into my roleplay now. Oh my god! Lisa! Lisa! A naked woman in a cage just smoking cigarettes all the time. Now that's a coffee story. Okay. A naked woman in a cage just smoking cigarettes all the time. That's a Kafka story. The girl that wants to smoke with pride and use a Zippo lighter.

Oh, that's class. You are just trapped in the body of Ms. Prim and proper librarian. Ugh. Ripped from the pages of some shitty 1980s port, it's... A cigarette repairman for you, ma'am. Thank you for coming. I'm having such huge problems with my cigarette. I made you this cigarette in the shape of horn-rimmed glasses.

Now tattoo it on your face. I duct taped your cigarette together. You can smoke it again. End of scene. Let yourself be free. Get pierced by a leather jacket and let your smoking habit develop. It is your life and your body. Go give those lungs some serious abuse.

Yeah, I'm going to put that on my placard. March up and down Washington. The actual text was get pierced and then comma buy a leather jacket, but I like Kumquat's version. Somehow insert a leather jacket through your body no no no it's the leather jacket that does the piercing the leather jacket is the piercer yeah okay oh i'm mike m sockless and smoky

Sockless and Smokey. Okie dokie. Oh, boy. Yeah, okie dokie, Sockless and Smokey. Artichokey. Sockless and Smokey. Not only am I fortunate, it's a Christopher Cross song. Not only am I fortunate enough to have a smoking wife who also loves,

and quite frankly, needs to chain smoke during sex both intercourse and oral one time she blew into my dick and then started filleting the cigarette it was really weird she got confused dear, today my wife lit all my human care on fire. Again. What do you expect me to do? I only have two hands and one mouth. Smoke with your pussy. It's all connected down there.

Okay. But she also never wears socks. I call her my no-socks-smoky mama. Great. Catchy. No-socks-smoky mama. Get in my coffin. She loves it.

She loves it Yeah she loves it Flats Loafers Uggs Sperrys None of them have ever seen a sock Won't you help a sock. Won't you help?

Give generously to Sockless Mama. No Sock Smokey Mama. Give generously to No Sock Smokey Mama. Thank you. NSSM needs your help. Only her sweaty, smoky, bad mama feed all day. Every day while she smokes her menthols. I love smelling her musty shoes.

She really exists. Really? Really? Fuck. Anyone else have a thing for sockless, smoky women? No, Carlos Santana. Nobody else does.

She's so smooth. Like a cigarette. Oh, man. There's a bunch of these that I'm skipping over for good. Good. Too gruesome to read.

Fucking shit people. Including one of them that is titled I have a huge lung damage fetish. How can we skip that? How can we skip that?

I know. Hey. Excuse me. Excuse me. My name is Mental 100 Couple. Okay. I am totally a different person than Mike M. Great. Cool.

I was wondering if anyone wanted to talk a little about bare feet. Probably a lot of people. I love seeing women's bare feet in shoes. I especially love it if the lady is a smoker. My wife never, and I mean never, wears socks. I love sniffing her loafers, flats, Sperry's, and yes, black leather riding boots. Knowing her nice musty feet have been in them all day while she sucks her Marb 100 menthols and inhales the smoke right down to her bare toes. Can anyone else share stories of sockless women?

Are you yourself a sockless lady? John, you can. Are you or are you not? I can. Veins. I'll get you veins! I have always loved seeing the beautiful veins in smokers' feet as they are a sign of restricted

blood flow and a strong old addicted body. I love seeing them come out of a sock as they smoke or a high-heeled boot or low flats without socks that leave the veins exposed. Wow. Fuck. You are so vain.

Oh. Fuck. You are so vain. Oh. There is one more subject we need to get to, something that came up on Ball Pit recently. Before we get to that, I got a tiny little bit more of this document that we need to attack.

Seriously, 35 pages. Like, so many of these titles are so fucking grim. Pink Lungs versus Black Lungs. But, Stog. Yes? Tell me if my math checks out. Okay. Smoking equals hard-on?

I don't know. What does that equate to in C-sharp? Yes, that was written on the whiteboard at the Hadron Collider. Overflow error. Smoking equals hard-on, huh? Yeah, smoking equals hard-on. Oh, boy. Let me pull out my calculus textbook here.

Okay, okay. Finally, the E equals MC... It's simple arithmetic, Jesus. It's algebra, damn it. Finally, the E equals MC squared for our generation. I think he's just setting a variable called smoking. Smoking equals hard-on. It's been a while since I've smoked, but yes, that used to happen to me all the time.

Lighting up and smoking a 120 made my dick stand at attention regularly. Turn up! It got to the point that I didn't want to masturbate unless I was smoking a 120 while I was doing it. Now I just get hard thinking about it or watching sexy smoking videos. So like a 100 wouldn't be good enough? Like that would be like lame? What if you were smoking like one of the really long ones, like the Capris?

Those are like 160. It was particularly awkward because I couldn't smoke indoors. And the very last one here, Boots. Boots, I think that, you know, all of the people that are listening to this podcast, you know,

they're all sexually frustrated. I think they need a little bit of help. Can you help them, please? Yes, I certainly can. Okay. What is your name? I'm Tempted. By the fruit of another.

I knew you were going to do that. I knew you were going to squeeze that in. But the truth is discovered. I like John's pun. It's like pulling muscles from the shell. Deep cut. Yeah. Deep cut.

Ever use the mental image of smoking to spice up dull sex? Okay. I distinctly remember a time when dysfunctional relationship was winding down and the sex was suffering. I imagined the woman in question smoking. Oh, I mean, sure. Sure. Okay woman in question smoking. Um, oh, I mean, sure, sure, okay, fine. She was a non-smoker and never would have gone in for the fetish. But in the waning moments of sex, right

when I needed something extra to put me over the top, I'd think of cigarettes. Holy God! Do you have a traumatic brain injury? Because that's unacceptable. I also like that he describes it as the waning moments of sex. Just, uh, uh, uh. See ya.

The waning sex. There's the waxing moments. Oh, here's the bad parts. The autumn days of sex. Days of wine and sex. Right when I needed something extra to put me over the top, I'd think of cigarettes. The look, the taste, the smell, the naughtiness of it all.

That is crazy. That is possibly the craziest thing. So far. Yeah, clearly the relationship wasn't right. We soon broke up. But I'm fascinated how the smoking fetish would save me in a tight spot. Anyone else ever use this? Mental aid?

That's right. Anyone else ever use this? Mental aid? Whether discreetly or overtly. My names agree. My GF is a smoker who lights up during sex, so I get the real thing! Goodbye!

Goodbye! I smoke a skinny cigarette. Goodbye! The very last The very last thing that I need to point us to Here is It's a site That's come up a couple of times

In Ball Pit and it's called Liberty Van That is www.libertyvan.com Oh god Dr. John Kitchen I I've missed you! Oh, my God! This woman, like, the one thing that John Kitchen didn't have was, like, overlapping text. So why is it always, like, the primary blue, primary red on some patterned background?

No, I would like, this is blue on blue. Right, yeah, yeah. This is blue text on blue background yeah yeah this is um so um uh yeah so the liberty van website is a website for a woman who loves freedom um her name is linda farley and she has a like a what is it like a hyundai odyssey or something like that she has a min like a, what is it, like a Hyundai Odyssey or something like that? She has a minivan that she has. Okay, let me just take a look at the logo.

Can't fight it. Okay. So she has a minivan. I think it is a Nissan Quest. No, I think it's actually a Hyundai where the spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. day where the spirit of the lord is there is liberty yeah so she has a minivan where she's put on hundreds of thousands of words and stickers and signs and flags and roses and uh other uh detritus um but uh we need to meet the woman herself so i think uh uh come quads up. Yes. Hello. I, uh, I have Linda Farley's resume in here.

Uh, this is, uh, Linda Farley is actual resume that she has put online. Oh my goodness. Hello. I'm Linda R Farley. The most beautiful pages on the WWW. And, uh, well, thank you so much for coming in i appreciate the time uh you know we're just looking for uh you know just a assembly uh program or something like that so so what's your objective i have access to the internet yay objective completed that is a plus in our

workplace absolutely i i. I am still willing to do occasional graphics or web design work when I have time. Otherwise, I am now retired. I refuse to work in any smoke-free workplace! Well, you got the lion's share for you, baby.

My husband also retired early from 30 years as an engineer at IBM. Right. When they went smoke-free, we boycott all smoking bans, states, counties, and cities. Yeah, info smokers boycott. That's, okay, well, that's,. Well, that might actually be a problem. I mean, we have the laws that we have to uphold, but I guess, you know, technically we should probably continue this interview.

Can you tell me about your programming language experiences? PC Assembler, PC Compiler Basic, VM Exec, GIS, PC Rex, APL 510, and training classes in C language and 360 Assembler. Great. Any references at all? Those are a lot of letters. IBM Corporation, Ellipsis, other firm is on request. Wait, I just have to call IBM Corporation? Yes, hello, I'm calling about Linda R. Farley.

Hello, IBM? Oh, she quit because we turned the workplace into a smoke-free workplace. Well, I'm definitely considering your employment and your application. Is there anything else that I should consider in employing you? Any other considerations? Oh, I learned quickly. Is there anything else that I should consider in employing you? Um... Any other considerations? Oh! I learn quickly!

And love to do new things! I am creative, motivated, a workaholic, and a smoker! Oh, she hasn't worked since 88. Hmm. That's interesting. It's interesting. Oh my god! Do the red text. Since 88. Hmm. That's interesting. It's interesting. All right. Oh, my God. Do the red text.

The red text right under her resume. Oh, there's more. I guess just this is all part of the resume. Note. Note. Note. I refuse to work at a smoke-free workplace, a.k.a. Smoking K.Y.

Granny. Whoa. Covered in lube. Whoa. Oh, a.k.a. Smokin' K.Y. Granny. Whoa. Covered in lube. Whoa. Oh, no. Watch me strip down smoke and go down a slip and slide. Note. Another note.

I have two notes. My husband, John Farley, retired early from his 30-year IBM career when IBM in Boca Raton, Florida, went smoke free. About 15 years ago. He was only 50. He refused to go stand outside in thunderstorms and 98% and 90% humidity every time he wanted to smoke. He refuses to work in smoke-free workplaces also. We are smokers on strike.

We don't care if you get Sri Lanka when you call a support line. Are those two things related? I don't understand. What? What are you talking about, lady? I am currently the Kentucky coordinator and web slave for American Smokers Party

at AmericanSmokersParty.com You see, your husband was okay when it was 95% humidity. Yes. Anything but 90 and 98. What is your name? Linda. Linda. I've heard that pharmaceutical companies want a monopoly of nicotine.

Is that something that you care about? I don't know. Pharmaceutical companies, they want a monopoly of nicotine. Do you care about that? Oh my God, my page keeps going. It certainly does. There's a lot of scrolling on this page.

This page is like six pages long. Reality check. I and at least 70 minus 100 million other American smokers are not going to quit, quote. I'm making a new leper class of us. It's not a solution. A leper class, right. Yep.

Didn't we learn anything from alcohol pro-hippiton i don't care if the pharmaceutical companies want a monopoly of nicotine it is not about nicotine and it never was it's about smoking many people enjoy smoking only morons believe in species which survive by burning all kinds of stuff for millennia. It's suddenly being killed off by someone else's smoke. We are in fact being

lied to about all of that in light of all the really serious things going on. You may not think this is important. You are wrong. This is important. You are wrong. This is an issue of daily comfort. People will put up with A-load until you mess with their daily comfort.

King George's biggest mistake was messing with the American colonists' tea and kicking them off. King George I? Yes, yes. I've had it up to here, according to someone else, with the anti-smoking Nazis, and this is what I'm doing about it. Yes, yes. I've had it up to here, according to someone else,

with the anti-smoking Nazis, and this is what I'm doing about it. Okay, well, thank you so much for coming in. It was a terrific interview. I can't give you a yes or no right now, but we'll get back to you, I'm sure. I love the... The resume at the top of this page is amazing because it's just a big image

that has a bunch of blue hotlink on there. But they're all just like image maps. Oh my god, you're right. It's one solid JPEG. I didn't know that. It's a JPEG. Oh, but I just wanted to take a step back because I couldn't stop the Kumquat train

when it was a-rolling. No, that's possible. And who would want to? But I like the whole idea of like we've been burning all this stuff for millennia and now suddenly it's fine. It's like, oh yeah, the paleo smoking diet. I really like that. Cavemen were lighting up back then and that's how

our bodies adapted to it. There's also a bunch of like Geocities era GIFs that are... I wish I could read the text on them because they're rotating too fast. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, there are... Oh, I think we need to...

I'm saving all of it. Yeah, well, she's also into Afghan hounds. I mean, I've been looking at this... To learn about Christians who smoke and smoke in the Bible, click here! Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's interesting about people like this is that like because so american smokers party no longer online um but i spent like quite a while looking at this um this site the other day um and then like while you were doing this reading i found three other sites that that she made. Oh my god. One was at www.webring.org Oh, that's perfect.

Brilliant. I love also... One last little thing here. And that's about the smoking van. So her project, again, as I said, is just so many stickers.

So libertyvan.com, she has two different vans. There's the Liberty Van and the Freedom Van. So there's the one of the vans says smokers are boycotting all smokers banned states of cities. Kill Obamacare before it kills

us. We don't believe the liberal media climate change hoax. Outdoor smoke bans are idiotic. Oh, my God. Hey, I have a fact about this car. Yeah, what's that? The car won the Best in Show at the Houston Art Car Show in the Free Speech Division. What kind of art show was that?

Quick, quick, just make up some award and give it to her. She'll go away. Lemon. Lemon. It's not an art show. that? Quick, quick, just make up some award and give it to her. She'll go away. Lemon. Lemon. It's not an art show. Oh, I'm sorry. It's an art car show. Oh, like an art car show?

Is that what you mean? Yep, that's what I mean. Yep, yep. Timely references, always. That reference is impossibly old. That's way older than it makes sense for me to make. While we're still looking at this site, I loved on the resume page, by the way, I love that one of the flashing crazy-ass GIFs was like,

I saw all these references to incense in the Bible. That means smoking's all right. It's like, yeah, you know, the traditional religious way of spreading incense during a ceremony, like a worship, is to roll it up in a fat blunt and smoke it and take a drag i love i love going to catholic mass and just seeing them walk down with a big spleef just smoking that incense speaking of uh so john this is the very last thing here on libertyvan.com now this is going to be a difficult instruction but i think you can handle it all

right so on libertyvan.com right okay so there's going to be a difficult instruction, but I think you can handle it. All right. So, onlibertyvan.com, right? Okay. So, there's the top where there's some black text. There's a bunch of blue text and shit. There sure is something. What a fucking nightmare. So, you know how there's, like, this, like, area where there's, like, a bunch of black text, like, maybe a fourth or a fifth of the way down? That area of black text?

Let's say yes. Like Freedom Van Goes to Court in Kingwood, West Virginia? Oh, there we go. Yeah, I found it. Yeah, yeah. So Freedom Van Goes to Court in West Virginia. Could you take that, please? Yes.

New Freedom Van Goes to Court in Kingwood, 6, 11, 12, and particip participates in 912 Project Bake Sale. Click here. 520-126712. Freedom Van makes 600,000 mile plus trip from our home to S Central KY to Oregon and Montana. On the way, we toured the state houses in In, I'd, Or, Wa, Mint, Sid, Mint, and managed to hit Madison with near-perfect timing for the Scott Walker recall election. Yay! How did I know?

So, F+, what did we learn from any of this I'll tell you what I fucking learned What's that I learned that I have depths of anger In me still That I thought I couldn't summon up Look okay We read shitty people

But like you know The people doing shitty fantasies or whatever They're just at least they're fantasies. Hopefully. Mostly. Or the people that just do dumb things or chew ice. Okay, fucking whatever. These people are actively like, I want to fuck up my body. I want to get addicted. I want to have others, it's my fetish to get other people addicted and fucking kill them slowly. Like, that's the most, that might be the most fucking infuriating stuff we've

read to me because that's just the shittiest thing yeah there's a whole shitload of stuff we didn't yeah it's true about like hey oh my my kids 10 should i what what brand of cigarettes exactly yeah i i i don't um it's just a never-ending bunch of Judd Nelson's dad characters. Hey, son! This is what happens when you go to the garage. I went up to my forum and I'm like, what did I get for Christmas? Sick. And I'm like, what'd I get for Christmas?

Sad. Yeah, I mean, all paraphilias are kind of difficult to walk back. All of them are, I think. But in this particular one, I feel like it's an exhibition of pleasure that they seem to enjoy. I feel like in the stuff that we read, when it was people talking talking about like oh she smokes and she loves it it's so good like yeah like i think that's what that is i mean not that it's i mean by many definitions it's not healthy oh no but i think that that's the no i think that's the goal but i think what i realize here talking about it now i think what really gets me mad is that it's not even like they're addicted to the pleasure. Or they're even addicted, or they're like, they're fetishizing the act.

It's like they're fetishizing the act of getting addicted. And that's real shitty. That's a real shitty. Hey, if any of the people involved in this, this is a long shot, but if any of you involved in this, listening to this, listen to all our podcasts. All right, you done? You're the shittiest person we've talked about so far. Think about that.

Wow. Yeah, no, I was actually, I disagree, but okay. Okay, it's in the heat of the moment,

but that's how I feel right now. All right. That's my emotion. Yeah. No, I think about it. Think about it. Like the only,

I felt a similar way at the end of Monkey Moms. Because that was another thing that was, you know, it was fucked up people, sure, but it was fucked up people drastically, shittily affecting

the lives of other living things. Totally. I think that there's almost like, from a, because one of the things that we've talked about a little bit lately, Yes, totally. deniers which is weird because you would think that like you know if if everything that they believe is like is like atom bombs and armageddon like why wouldn't they believe like an actual probable like like armageddon scenario except for like that one has scientists behind it and the lamestream media yeah um and so i think that i think that some of this appeal is that because, like, cigarette smoking is so widely and broadly, like, unacceptable socially, that doing it is therefore, like, rebellious and awesome and, like, self-determined. Yeah. Yeah, there's definitely that aspect to it

but and if you're a man going your own way fuck off fuck the fuck right off yeah exactly that's the worst people John yeah totally put a cigarette in your vagina.

So, our forum, as always, ball pit registrations as of this recording have been going very well. I don't know what happened all of a sudden. People got super into making new accounts with ball pit. A lot of people with some scary looking names, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll see how that turns out. It's slightly more expensive than a pack of cigarettes, but it's half as damaging to your health. Depends on what city you live in. That's true. At certain gas stations, a ball pit registration is less expensive than a pack of cigarettes. Well, there you go. It's probably about the same price as a head of cauliflower in Canada right now. That's a whole other matter.

That's a whole different episode. That's a whole different episode. All right, bye-bye. Bye. Bye-bye. Bye. That's why smoking turns me on so much. Hell, I even love the fact that they're ruining my body. I just wish they could do it quicker. Smokey kisses.