The F Plus - 204: Slap 'Em Sane

Episode Date: February 13, 2016

We've focused on a lot of people with varying mental disorders, so it's time to talk a little bit about mental health. Andy Kadir-Buxton is an unlicensed medical practioner who, in addition to a number of other profound and confusing accomplishments, has invented a cure for "a wide variety of mental health problems". In addition to learning about the Kadir-Buxton Method, we'll also be discussing a number of Andy's other discoveries, his contributions to the British Space Administration, and his petition supporters. This week, The F Plus has an orgasmic nose.

I have discovered that if Catholic women wear a pair of socks during lovemaking, then they do not get the guilt usually associated with it. Likewise, Protestant women get the same effect by just wearing one sock. Yours faithfully, Andy Cater Buxton. Get ready for some truth, listeners. This is the F Plus Podcast. In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. Elvis Presley used to show ways developed to disarm attackers armed with guns. Jack Chick.

Every man is capable of becoming a satyr. Yes, Fahan. Portax. And lemon. I tested if it would be possible to put the cream in every night, and I have not had any adverse problems, so I rely on my body heat to melt the ice cream and distribute it into my inner ear by gravity

overnight. Ooh. Infection city population U. Oh my god! Hey, F+. Hey, Lemon. Hey, Lemon. Hey, Lemon.

Who are you? How is your sex power? It's improved. I've recently increased it. How did you increase your sex power? With panic. Oh, mostly, like, lots of Kegels and thinking really hard about it. I'm going to say the power of imagination.

I said thinking really hard about it. You don't answer for me, Isfahan. Oh, sorry. All right. Well, you know, you guys today in this call, Jack Check, Booze, Rain Gear, Vortex, Isfahan, you are some lucky individuals. are some lucky individuals and i'll tell you exactly why is that today um i'm going to introduce you to andy kader buxton um andy kader buxton is a man with a internet website um that explains how to live your life i know i know You're amazed already. Yeah.

Never encountered such a thing. I've been living my life in just like a daze until now, so this will be a nice change. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he has a website at kder-buxton.com with a bunch of spinning graphics. And he is going to teach us how to have better orgasms. Right? Okay.

Sounds good. So I think we're all pretty excited by this. Or at least we will be by the time we learn about it. I mean, every time, I can't tell you how many times I've had an orgasm and gone, that's just so disappointing. Better luck next time. The three judges in the back, they hold up a card, and it's like 1-1-5. So, Isfahan, if you'll start us off here,

start us off here um uh we are right now on cater hyphen buxton.com forward slash page 35.htm oh okay yeah so it looks like that that spinning icon appears to be a limited edition red vinyl uh for each of these 7 000 links is this kool Kool-Aid at the top of the... I like bright red and cyan go together. Stop talking about visual things. So, Espan, what do you got for us? Well, I've got for you a simple method of sexual gratification. Oh, simple, you say.

All right. And it goes a little something like this. I was aware that while some men found that having their prostate tested by rectal examination to be a horrible experience, other men found it quite pleasant. Okay. It came to me that it might be that all men could find this examination enjoyable if the procedure was done enough times in a row. What? After the tenth time? Look, it gets

better after this, I promise. I still don't like it! Do it more! More coming! You're gonna learn to like it. Anyway. So I had a gay friend test out my hypothesis, and he found

that the more times that the procedure was done, the more pleasurable it became, semicolon, and that eventually the sensation would become stronger than orgasm. This is the sizzle right here, folks. Yeah. Sure is. Baited the hook and got you on the line. Okay.

Mm-hmm. The method is to find a donut-shaped lump at the front of the rectum. Holy God! Okay. Okay. Wait at the front of the rectum. Holy God, okay. Wait, is that just the rectum? Okay. No, it's a rectum on top of your rectum. It's at the front of the rectum. Are we failing the outside of the donut or the inside?

I'm not sure. The sprinkles, I'm pretty sure. I have a voodoo rectum. Oh, no. You have fruity pebbles on there rectum. Oh, no. You have fruity pebbles on there. And the listeners, too. Two inches up at the front. In this safe sex method, the prostate is squeezed a number of times in order to create the sensation I was looking for.

I won't do that. Okay, so I fingered my ass. Gotcha, okay, gotcha. It is a walnut-sized organ at the base of the bladder. It can be felt with the tip of a finger inserted into the rectum. Its texture and firmness should be similar to that of the flesh between

your thumb and the rest of the hand when you make a tight fist. Which you're also going to shove into there, so keep going. Are you just explaining to us at this point what a prostate is? Is that what you're going for? Yep. Okay. If you feel anything that is as firm as the knuckle,

then that needs to be brought to a doctor's attention. Oh, goddammit! I thought I was going to have better orgasms. Are you talking about prostate cancer? Do you remember shoving a bone up there? Anyway. Originally, I found this invention desirable for the... What invention?

Desirable for the gay community. The invention of the prostate. Yeah. Because a method of stimulation known as fisting not only did not find this anal orgasm, but also led to incontinence if used often. Yes, but that's not... What?

What's the problem? I don't... I can't fight my prostate! He invented butt fun. Right, what's the problem? I mean, Lemon, haven't you had sex before? He's never had to invent fisting out of frustration. Oh, they call it fistration, I see.

Just boredom. In the event that incontinence happens, one needs to tighten the anal sphincter. I don't think that's... As opposed to your facial sphincter. That's how it works, Lemon. Doctor, doctor, I'm incontinent. Oh, just tighten.

I don't know. Have you tried holding it in? Stitch that shit up. It'll work better. Where's your medical cork? I need it. This can be simply done by purchasing what is known in sex

shops as a rigid digit. Okay. Which is a passive hollow rubber finger that is inserted in the anus. I mean, I could discuss this a little bit more, but I feel like this is too early on in the episode to talk about anus physiology, so go ahead and move on.

You know what, Doctor? I think that's the knuckle I found in there. Never mind. It's the glass ball from earlier. One simply needs to do bodybuilding of the anal sphincter using this device. Ten tightening, holding for ten seconds,

just before relaxing just three times a day can bring continence again in just two weeks. So I fucking... Wait, so I solve this problem by kegels? Yeah. That and most of other lives problems, Jack. I didn't nail the interview! I think I may have read something very similar to this in F Plus Live 2,

but I really don't know what I read. Yeah. That's why you think... It needs to be run through Google Translate. Mm-hmm. But anyway... So, the only price you have to pay for better orgasms is two weeks of incontinence.

Okay. I mean, that sounds fine. I mean, yeah, that's fair trade. Okay. When the, that sounds fun. I mean, yeah, that's fair trade. Okay. When the HIV epidemic hit, I became aware that this method of stimulation could become a form of safe sex. Oh.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I see no problems. However, the only publicity I got for this invention was in UK publication Private Eye. You're aware that the HIV

epidemic was in some cases caused by things going into butts, right? That was definitely a factor in the HIV epidemic. It wasn't caused by this guy going into butts, so problem solved. It's not an in-shot case, really.

He invented the concept of things that aren't dicks going into butts. Oh, I forgot things that aren't dicks going into butts. Oh, I forgot things that aren't dicks. Okay, sure. It was just after the Church of England had a committee which came up with the idea of masturbation and prayer as a form of safe sex. It had come out on top in a debate with those who insisted on prayer and masturbation.

That does sound like a great cocktail, actually. That sounds really fun Yep They just kick down the door, I insist on prayer and masturbation It's like when the person, you know like you're in the confessional you've got your rosary beads and then you go

Hmm What, on your dick? I'm alone in here Oh god, forgive me for... Oh, God. What's that? Oh, God. Oh, God.

It's been five seconds since I last sinned. It's been... three seconds since I last sinned. I had predicted this... Okay, yeah. I had predicted this in UK Magazine Private Eye after I had failed to get on the committee in spite of inventing two forms of safe sex. The committee of what? This is why I feel it necessary to publish this invention on my website.

Why not make your own website in your own languages on your experiences with these two forms of safe sex in order to get the news around? Well, because apparently I have to pay you for, like, copyright if you invented it. Yes? So, this document was provided to us by Caroline! Caroline! And thank you so much for starting us off

light with the softcore stuff. Yeah, it's always nice to have a nice light. I have good feelings about the rest of this. Very helpful. Very helpful. By the way, if you go to thefbl.us you can get a photo of the man writing all of these words that

puts things into a much sharper context. Imagine I mean, just imagine Donald Pleasance wrote this and you're not that far off. So, Boots, I've got some sex stuff, but we'll come back to that. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I mean, just not related to this document. Yeah, he's got some sex stuff. But would you like to know about a method to control the tongue? Mm-hmm. Or would you like to know the 30-second cure for mental illness? Oh, I'd like to know the 30-second cure for mental illness. Great. You know, that's wonderful.

I think that's more valuable to humanity, really. Well, that kind of sucks, though because our we'll be out of a job this podcast will be shut down immediately you know i've heard a lot of politicians talking about the mental health problem in the united states and i mean a 30 second cure i think we can do that so that's great um so uh i'm gonna send you right here onto the index page where it starts off with a photo of our author. Oh, this is the home page. Which is terrific. Yeah, no, this is the cell right here.

So decades ago, you discovered a cure for mental health problems. Is that right? Yes, decades ago, I discovered a cure for mental health problems. The cure, which I term the Kadir Buxton method. Can't imagine where you came up with that name, but all right. Has been used on a wide variety of mental health problems.

The procedure stuns and resets the brain of the patient so that the patient returns to a normal condition. Isn't this how you cure hiccups? Uh-huh. It does all sorts of things. Okay. Boo! You're no longer crazy.

You just reboot the brain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, have you tried turning it off and on? Well, he's already turned off so many people with that first paragraph. The Kader Buxton method is done by making a fist of both hands and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time. Holy God!

That's where the reset buttons is caused! Is it like a Mac where you need to unfold a paper clip and stick it in there? I'm pretty sure he went up with the Ricky O clip where he just kind of smashes his head. You know, the Macs that have optical drives from ten years ago.

Right, yeah, no, I'm very current in my references all the time. No diggity. You turned it on by smacking it, I'm pretty sure. Gotta bag it up. And strike both ears of the patient at exactly the same time, and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand, which is where the thumb joins the hand. The arrow in figure one, which is a hand. It's a hand, and then there's an arrow pointing to it. An arrow pointing to the bottom of the inner hand, which is where the thumb joins the hand. The arrow in figure one, which is a hand,

It's a hand, and then there's an arrow pointing to it. An arrow pointing to the bottom of the thumb, shows this point for ease of use. Hit ear with this part. I wrote that on my hand just now, so... Feeling sad, huh? Whoop-a-bam!

Ear hit spot. Still sad, bitch? Yeah. If somebody's suffering from mental illness, slap them around a bit. The procedure is painless and the patient regains consciousness. The faster, the less hard, and double blow is struck.

What? The faster, the less hard, the double blow is struck. Right, because when you're hitting somebody, the faster you hit them, the softer you hit them. He's also saying that ideally you knock them out with it, so it's just a matter of regaining consciousness faster. Yeah, with practice, I'm able to render the patients unconscious for only 30 seconds. Holy God! And they get pissed when they wake up.

At this point, I would like to explain the difference... And then I ran my thumb in their buttholes! Wait, wait, don't get ahead of me. Okay, sorry. At this point, I would like to explain the difference between a stun and a punch with a Kadir Buxton method. Okay, sure. A patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lung-prone on the floor and could have well dropped the rose.

And just to add insult to injury, they would still be mentally ill. Try it for yourself if you do not believe me. Find a crazy person and punch him. So I got a super quick question for you there, Andy. So you hit somebody forcefully on the sides of the head. They are rendered unconscious by you hitting them. Yes. They sure are.

And yet are standing on one leg holding a rose? Yes. Okay. It's like cows. There's wires. They sleep standing on one leg holding a rose. We use wires. Oh, I see.

Well-known fact about cows. There are three exceptions to the single stun that I have found, namely manic depression and eating disorders, which are often caused by trauma in life such as sexual abuse and psychopathic disorder. And a guy smacking him in the ears. Gotcha. Okay, so doesn't cure manic depression, doesn't

cure eating disorders. Okay, gotcha. Okay, for the first two, there was only two. No, manic depression and eating disorders is the one. Yeah. One of the one. Yeah. Okay. One of the three.

Okay. What about fear of butterflies? Does that cure by this? Yes. Only if it's an irrational fear. Was it on my list of things that aren't cured by it? No. For the first two, the memory of the trauma must be dealt with.

The patient is asked to remember the trauma as vividly as possible, and the stun technique is then used. Were you molested? Tell me about it in great detail. Insult to injury. You've got to relive a painful memory, and I'm going to slap you around. So unlike before, you associate the memory with bad stuff. I got you.

The procedure of remembering the trauma and the stun technique must be done three times for the memory to be totally erased. Oh, this is the Flintstones method. There's no place like sane. There's no place like sane. Holy shit. I gotta say, I feel like

cater-buxton.com is the site that created the trigger warning. Once the trauma is eradicated, the patient is cured. Right, yeah, well, that's not true. With rape victims, the Kader-Buxton method should only be done twice so that the trauma of the rape is taken away.

And yet the victim can still be made to remember the incident for any future court case. Okay, right. So in other cases, you're hitting them so hard that they forget memories. Yeah, that they forget. This technique is so effective that if they need to testify, you can't do it three times. Right, right, right. So tell me what happened to you.

I can't. Everything's great. Donald Pleasance hit me in the head, and I'm fine now. I'm over it, Your Honor. And then he gives a wink and a pistol point to Donald Pleasance, who's sitting in the audience. It's cool. I have found that using the Kadir Buxton method three times whilst alcoholics and drug addicts are remembering their love of what they are

addicted to as vividly as possible takes away all cravings to carry on with their addiction. Please see Brainwashing. Yeah, that's clockwork orange is what's happening right there. Like booze, do you? Think of booze! Slap! Well, you know how well that worked out in the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Super good. You'll find the Kadir Buxton method is also effective against comas and senility, among other things. Those people were just taking a nap. Oh, dear. Comas? So you're slapping people until they wake up. Come on, dude.

Get with the times. Yeah, it makes them forget that they're in a coma, dummy. You're slapping old people and people in comas now. The Kadir Buxton method is great for house-breaking puppies. I'm hoping that medical professionals across Europe will evaluate and bring into use the biggest breakthrough in medicine since my invention of microsurgery. There's no link for that. Why would there be

it explains itself there was a link for brainwashing but there isn't a link for microsurgery I'm having a hard time getting the Kadir Buxton method used in UK because it would cut down the number of professionals that are needed at present and of course cut the amount of expensive drugs

that good drug companies sell at present I intend to shut down all mental health wards and pass the patients to trained nurses and local surgeries. Oh, it just works too good, man. Yeah, all those doctors and psychologists, they're just in the pocket of big, not-slapping people around. According to the Megaseed ecologist, the savings would be 100 pounds billion per year.

100 billion pounds per year. 100 pounds billion. Did someone slap you in the head? Hey, Boots. Is it true that the medical profession has been hostile to the Cater Buxton method? It is true. Oh. Yeah, Muhammad Ali.

Oh, my God. What? Wait. Yeah. Go ahead. oh yeah muhammad ali oh my god what wait yeah go ahead he used it to cure the mentally ill of u.s hospitals until staff warned him that they would physically restrain him and abuse him with drug therapy if he did not stop that george foreman was mentally ill and that whole fight was just him curing him? Yeah. We weren't watching a boxing match. We were watching therapy sessions. Yeah, the famous time with Muhammad Ali, he said, staying against the ropes is a beautiful thing

when up against a person with mental illness. He just hit them in the head three times. So they just went to the hospital, stop being crazy or we're going to get Muhammad Ali to just punch the shit out of you. I told him he can't fight like a sissy. And then I applied the Kader Buxton method on him. Keep going.

I don't remember where I am. Yeah, at some point I'm just waiting for this guy to claim he invented punching. So Muhammad Ali used it to cure the mentally ill. Until staff warned him that he would physically restrain him and abuse him with drug therapy if he did not stop, even though he was sane. Yeah. They had seen the writing on the wall for their jobs and put money before patients. Of course.

Well, that's, oh, my God. Okay, the Katie or Buxton method. I'm sold, man. You have Mike Tyson's therapy out. I agree. Mike Tyson's therapy out. I agree. Again, that's why Mike Tyson is such a happy, well-rounded,

sane and trustworthy human being. Yep. As well as possibly increasing life expectancy and depressives, the Kadir Buxton method can also be used to make a person feel younger in old age. For those who cannot wait for governments or churches to get on board and have

difficulty in finding someone to train to use this method, you will find that higher grade martial artists, boxers and professional dancers have the skills to pick it up fast. Muhammad Ali actually managed the Qadir Buxton method on his first attempt, which was a first for me. There are people who have not tested the Kadir Buxton method who doubt that it works. I have more than three cured patients prove

that they are cured both of their own doctor and local clergy. They are cured. Yeah, no, the two people you reference in terms of medical issues, you contact the church and you contact some random doctor. No demons, Your Honor. Yep. All right. So Andy Cater Buxton has a lot of helpful things.

I mean, you know, like obviously there's the sticking things in your butt to make you come better. There's the punching people in the head to make them not crazy anymore. So how else can we improve our lives? And I'm asking you, Jack Chick. So two options of ways to improve our lives. Option number one, the drinking game that saves lives. Oh, okay. Option number two, the orgasmic nose.

Oh, my God. How did you find out my name when I was a traveling magician? Now, we've never smelled before, have we? Usually, these are easy. Yep. I'm going to have to go with the orgasmic nose. The orgasmic nose. All right.

Once again, thefbl. The orgasmic nose. All right. Once again, T H E F B L. Dot us. We've got the documents. So if you want to read about the drinking game that saves lives, it is signed off on by the British space administration, which I think is still a ladder, right?

The British space administration. All right. Alright, so yeah, so Jack Chick, tell me about the orgasmic nose, please. Yeah, of course. How to achieve the phenomena. The conditioning needed in order to get an orgasmic nose are both hands-free masturbation until

orgasm, the tightening and relaxing of vaginal muscles for five minutes until vaginal orgasm appears, and also to then stroke the minutes until vaginal orgasm appears, and also to then stroke the nose while having the orgasm. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, incognito window, nose, stroke, orgasm. You guys have fun. I'll be right back. Well, Lemon's going to be on Clips for Sale.

I think this guy just did that. I'm actually on the cater Buxton method. Lemon's going to be on Clips for Sale. I think this guy just did that. I'm actually on the cater Buxton method. Second response, Yahoo answers. After three orgasms while stroking the nose in succession, I have found that women are then able to have orgasms whenever their nose is stroked.

The common cold can then become fun. Oh, God, we already read that website. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. No. That was like episode three. Yeah. Masturbation has been reported in New Scientist magazine as cutting the intensity of pain by some 80%,

and this phenomena has been used for reducing pain in childbirth. You shouldn't come during childbirth. Please don't come during childbirth. Please don't come during childbirth. I think we've been over that, too. It is conce... Because then you get jizz on the baby's head while it's coming out. It's terrible.

Good lord. Keep reading, Jesus. You're disgusting. No! Why aren't you reading? Why do you say those words? It is conceivable that the orgasmic nose could be used in the same way, No! Why aren't you reading? Why do you say those words? It is conceivable that the orgasmic nose could be used in the same way,

but would be more instant than hands-free in everyday use. With this invention, menstrual cramps can become a thing of the past, and it is a fast treatment. Menstrual cramps? Okay. I mean, great. That sounds really freeing for, you know, women.

Like, isn't it nice that Andy Cater Buxton here is improving your life vortex? I mean. Just say yes. What? Sure. You're the best infomercial audience member I've ever seen. That's a pretty good deal, isn't it, folks? What?

No. Why would anybody do this? The method of getting an orgasmic nose is based on the work of Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov. Pavlov studied reflexes, automatic behavior that is caused by a stimulus from the environment. Oh, I've heard about this. It's Pavlov's dong.

Pavlov's nose. It's Pavlov's dong. Pavlov's nose. It's Pavlov's schnoz. Some reflexes, such as blinking your eyes when a puff of air comes in it, or the sucking of a baby when something is put in his or her mouth.

This automatic behavior can be manipulated. This is called conditioning. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Breathing and eating are not the same. No, this is called conditioning no, no, no, no, no. Breathing and eating are not the same. No, this is called conditioning. In this conditioning process,

an unconditional stimulus is given to a person. The stimulus causes a reflex on its own. When the unconditional stimulus is now given to the person together with the stimulus that does not cause a reflex on its own. So you touch their nose and then you go, next time this happens, come, okay? If done properly, the subject will open up their own website and it will be horrifying. This sounds like really smart and trusted science.

But can you sell me a diet at the same time? Is that possible? I certainly can. Orgasm burns 60 to 100 calories. It does not. The orgasmic... It says right here that it does, Boots. Okay.

I don't see you with a website. It doesn't say orgasm may burn. It says burns, declarative. Boots is about... He's cruising for a Kedir Buxton method, if you know what I'm talking about. Listen, my orgasms burn at least 400 calories. You know, here's the thing.

Here's the thing. It is... I uncontrollably run around the room like 80 times. He does a backflip. That explains the divorces! There are at least like 17 bump girls.

It's not so much the running around the room, it's when he starts hardcore dancing in the middle of it. It's a sick of it all video. Between you and Boots, well... I mean, they were fine. He's a nice guy. I'm not going to say he's not a nice guy. Or a fucking, then he starts skanking.

Anyway, sorry. The orgasmic nose is thus a great diet aid and can be done indiscreetly anywhere. Once you have calculated how much over your target calories you are over for the day, you can then simply work out how many times you just stroke your nose in order to achieve your target. That's awesome! I get to eat Rocky Road ice cream and cum. This is amazing!

You can apparently do it discreetly anywhere. Thanks, nose! There are a couple of warnings, though. Warning one, you ejaculate out your nose. It seems like this only works for women, actually. Warning one, you ejaculate out your nose. It seems like this only works for women, actually, but yeah, go ahead. 400 calories worth in your case.

This diet is not for use by anyone with eating disorders. And do not try this while driving or operating heavy machinery. I think that goes for masturbation in general. Yes, yes it does. I don't know, you ever come on a

caterpillar? It's the best. The bug episode was a long time ago. Not that kind of caterpillar, dammit! Ooh, hey, ha ha. And then, so, I mean, so that sounds great. I mean, the orgasmic nose, I mean, obviously coming is its own reward,

but the whole, like, losing calories thing sounds great. So that's it, right? That's the whole sell to the orgasmic nose? Well, it's also a mental illness treatment, Lemon. Of course. Of course it is. My mental illness is I'm not, I don't have orgasmic nose. So, I mean, you guys know about endorphins, right?

Yep. They're the cuddle hormone. Yeah, yeah. That's oxytocin. Can we go back to the dick bugs? That was more comforting. Slightly less gross than what Lemon just said. Yep.

Because endorphins are given off at orgasm, while bodybuilding, and while listening to your favorite music... Jack, you have a lot to answer for now. Look, man. When all used together, they have a positive effect for

mental illness sufferers. Before I invented the British Space Administration drinking game cure as an alternative to the Cater Buxton method cure, for those who thought the method might hurt those, I used endorphin boosters as a treatment with the snappy slogan of three frigs a day keeps the psychiatrists at bay. It needs a little bit more punch. I don't know.

I mean, I see where you're going with it. I think we could workshop it. Let's have a brainstorming session. We'll come back to it. Put a pin in it. No. Meeting over. Yeah.

Until you come at me with a PowerPoint, I'm just not even interested. He's going to box you. Do people often come at you with a PowerPoint, I'm just not even interested. He's going to box you. Do people often come at you with a PowerPoint? Only if he strokes their nose. By the way, Portax, while we were doing this, was looking up Wikihow, not surprisingly. So Portax, in the WikHow How to Blow Your Nose article, how many steps are there? There are

a measly nine. Okay. Well, that's not very full or important. It's not as full of experience that I would like. So, do you have any related articles to the How to Blow Your Nose articles that you could share with me?

How to clean your nostrils? Yeah, that sounds good. How to find out if you have a science affection? Okay. How to clear a stuffy nose? And how to save on tissues during the holidays? Well, you didn't get the one that I had, which is how to make

yourself sneeze. Do it. What would a third tip be, if is how to make yourself sneeze. Do it. What would a third tip be? If you were to give me some tips, what would the third one be? What would the third tip be? Eat something spicy to loosen things up.

Oh! Oh! Alright, well, it's very hard to not make every episode the Wicked Cow episode, so I'm going to close that browser window, because otherwise I'm going to start clicking some more shit. Hey, Lemon. I tried, audience. We'll be back. Hey, Lemon.

We'll be back. Do you have a question, Jack-Jack? Yeah, did you actually go and check out... Because, I mean, I know that he was talking about a bunch of diet aids. Did you go and look at what his diet aids were? No, tell me what the diet aids are. Is this the anti-calorie diet? Yeah, the anti-

calorie diet. Okay. So, I'm going to skip past the dumb, boring bullshit at the beginning, right? There's a lot of numbers, so that seems science-y. The human body is 37 degrees Celsius. Once ice is consumed, then 117 calories are needed to raise one gram of ice to body temperature, the temperature at which it can be used by the body.

What we have then is a simple diet aid that can counteract food eaten to keep the dieter's weight going down. For any given food that we know the caloric value for, we can divide by 117 in order to determine how many grams of ice we need to be eating. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes. No, no, no. Come unto me, singularity. That was how the square one got weird. So, what does the word calorie mean? Well, it's a unit of measurement that discusses the amount of temperature that we take to...

I'm done! That's fine! I've learned all I need to know about calories! Yep! I've already invented a diet. Okay. It's telling me that I should drink 2.2 liters of ice. I should drink 3 liters of ice. I'm a man. Clicking around.

The cure for insomnia is insomnia can be cured with the use of an electric oil burning lamp heating household salt and water. of an electric oil burning lamp heating household salt and water. Bleh? Okay, I'm about to send you a link to cater-buxton.com forward slash page 17

HTM. You're going to see a photo. You're going to want to laugh at that photo. That's a fair thing. I know. It's those mole people from Sam and Max. It is absolutely the mole people from Sam and Max. 100%.

I want to do that picture side to side now. Okay. Anyway, that's Andy Caterbuxton there. So you're asking a simple question. It's got a simple answer. Your question is why brainwash? Why brainwash? The simple fact is that the ability to remove unwanted character traits,

whether voluntary ones that lead to a life of crime or due to illness such as Alzheimer's or due to brain injury such as being wounded in wars, is a good thing. Scrub the sick out, you thinker. I gotcha. Removing bad memories that lead to such things as depression, man with depression, and psychopathy can also be treated in the same way. See, the hitting people doesn't work for manic depression, so this is like, brainwashing is even better. So can we all use this whenever we're finally done with the podcast for good, so we can just forget everything? We'll never be done with this podcast for good, Portex.

We all know the only things that cause depression, manic depression, and psychopathy are bad memories. I was kind of hoping that I could just hit you at the end of all this. We all made a death pact for this, right? You've said that to me so many times. I know, I know. I mean, I certainly made a death pact for this. And everything else. You've got it filed away.

You've got a filing cabinet full of death pacts. Toast. I certainly do. So, this is my letter that got sent back from Jeff Foxworthy. In order to spot a psychopath, you can tell them a joke. If they laugh in all the wrong places, then

they are obviously not thinking on the same lines as the other 99% of the population. Psychopathic disorder can be treated by asking the patient to think as vividly as possible how much they enjoy lying. Yeah? When the enjoyment of lying has been taken away, the patient now loses their psychopathic personality.

Caution must be taken because a liar can think of something else instead of how much they enjoy lying as part of the lying process and other memories could be erased instead. I can tell from looking at this website, yeah. It's like running a magnet over a hard drive. I love how this guy keeps talking about crazy people as if he's disconnected from it. Like, I'm not crazy, but I've heard that this is how crazy people act,

and I can say with some authority. Alternatively, the self-love of the psychopath can also be deleted, also leading to a cure. So if you hate yourself, you're cured of psychopathy? Gotcha. I have found in studies that psychopaths and right-wing politicians often have small

penises. Confirmed. Right-wing secret service agents are even smaller. What? Using thought suggestion, while the patient has been stunned, I mimic their voices and tell them three times that they have a larger penis. I think this guy is confusing his business with his pleasure.

Yeah. I've seen this porno. My name's Gary. I have a huge cock. I'm you. I've seen this porno. My name's Gary. I have a huge cock. I'm you. I'm Gary. I have been able to achieve personality improvements. A man with a four-inch penis was persuaded in this way that he has a six-inch penis,

and his personality changed from that of psychopathic to normal. When I convinced him that he had a 12 inch penis, he became nice to women and bought bottles of champagne for them, which made for a good evening. Until they got to the penis part. So is this... I... What?

You convince people how to not know how to measure things, I think. The thing that happens, you bring a woman home and she's like I want to see your 12 inch oh my god what you then do is you take the soft part on your hand and you erase her memory

of you you just gently on the sides of her temples what he's saying here is that in that, it would be a surprise for both of them. Because he's convinced he has a 12-inch penis as well. No, I don't. Shut up. I mean, I'm nice. No, I don't. I respect your feelings. He never says that the penis is necessarily attached to their body.

He just tells them that they have one. Yeah, they have one, like, in a formaldehyde jar or something. Yeah. Further evidence that genital transplants will cure a psychopath comes with the discovery that a psychopath can pleasure himself with his other hand while holding a cucumber in his given hand. Afterwards, the psychopath reports feeling better.

Women psychopaths should rub a hazelnut at the same time. This guy is crazy in such unexpected ways. I agree. I can't imagine him, how he came about visualizing all this research he couldn't have possibly done. Here, rub this hazelnut, it's your clit. Thanks, Dr. Loonballs. Let me poke that hazelnut with this cucumber. Penis transplants have already been mastered in China,

and I would suggest that they be used for those men suffering from psychopathy and right-wing politics. Suffering from right-wing politics? Another New York Times editorial. Absolutely. In the meantime, I read two books in the local library on the history of camouflage,

the science of making things look smaller. By simply reversing the rules of camouflage, what? I was able to invent anti-camouflage, which makes things look bigger! What? Anti-camouflage is What? I was able to invent anti-camouflage, which makes things look bigger. What? Anti-camouflage is pretty much what my shirt's... I then went on to design a tattoo for penises that make a four-inch penis look like a six-inch penis.

It's a tattoo that says this penis is longer than you think it is. Don't worry, I've got a solution for you. All you need to do is get a tattoo on your dick that says I'm huge. I think we covered this before in the episode that suggested that we traveled negative the speed of light. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tattoo a plus two onto your penis and you're good to go. Plus two and shade a penis. Plus two dick of wounding

This is the best that can be achieved Until penis transplants become commonplace As 1% of the population are psychopaths While 30-40% are of the prison population Wait, ooh, this is a terrible statistic Okay, this statistic This statistic is made out of fucking literal garbage. Okay. As 1% of the population are psychopaths,

while 30% to 40% of the prison population are psychopaths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Analyze that figure, asshole. Especially in the U.S. Right. Then treatments that actually work are a great improvement over present medical learning, which says that there are no cures

and so the dangerous 1% are left in the community but until left in the community until they fall foul of the law. So that's apparently how brainwashing works? Yeah, that's how how brainwashing works?

Yeah, that's how it works. Why don't we just use the brainwashing to not get caught when we're doing all our crazy murder crimes? Our crazy murder crimes? Yeah. I want to join your murder gang, poor Tex. They're really tough. I don't think you're... It's pretty exclusive.

I tried to join the murder gang a few years ago. Yeah, we do mean punching in our murder gang. Murder Congress. Yeah. Don't mess with us. We'll punch you. Yeah. We do bed kicks. Okay.

Once again, document provided to us by Caroline. And this fucking document is really good. And that's definitely Caroline's, you know, thank you to Caroline for this. But also, I mean, this site's pretty amazing. I don't think she had to work very hard. Here we go. I think Isfahan. Yes. I think, Isfahan. Yes.

I got a choice for you. Okay. I can have you teach us how to cure insomnia, or you can give a dessert recipe. One and the same, really. I think a recipe, no pun intended, would be a nice palate cleanser. Okay, alright.

Good one! Toast, I mean, is von? That wasn't it. No puns intended. So, we are now on caterbuckston.com forward slash page45.htm Oh, yep. That just screams recipes. He starts off with the recipe on now on caterbuckston.com forward slash page45.htm Oh. That just screams recipes.

He starts off with the recipe on scientific mashed potato. Yes, it does. But Caroline didn't think that was as good. That's my favorite dance move, is the scientific mashed potato. I can do the twist. So, Esfahan, can you tell us how to make a simple dessert? Sure.

Okay. Banana Surprise is a simple dessert that is easy to master. The banana is marinated overnight in neat whiskey

and is then served whole with any syrup that is left from the marinating. What? Okay, gotcha. Okay.

So you put a banana in a in like banana in a bunch of whiskey. Chafing dish full of whiskey. Yep. I wish Nutshell was here. She's more of the dessert girl. Yeah. She would just run off and make it, so it's...

But first, petting cats. Throw a banana out, drink whiskey. Okay. I'm going to level with you. What's that? This dessert does not look appetizing. Oh, really? Well, what are the other steps? But the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

The taste of the whiskey improves the taste of the banana, while the banana improves the taste of the whiskey. And the more whiskey you drink, the better the banana tastes. Right, yeah, I agree with that last part. So, I mean, I have a banana and I have some whiskey. I can probably just go do this. Okay, do it.

Yeah, make it happen. It's got to marinate overnight, though. Damn it. Well, do it now, and then we'll record a thing later in the podcast. You'll tell us how it went, okay? Just dip a banana in your glass. Okay, so like any good internet recipe,

I have an anecdote. Do you want to go with it? That is very true. A woman I met in Scotland who works in a whiskey distillery was interested in this phenomena and promised to get back to me. Technically this is vegan, so that makes sense.

She was bananas! She promised to get back to me on her research into the matter, but did not. It was riveting, right? Yep. So perhaps bananas are being used as flavor enhancers now. Sure! Let me tell you a story.

It doesn't have a beginning, middle, or an end. So this guy took the fact that a woman didn't get back to her as proof that it's a revolutionary thing. We're getting an insight into how his mind works.

Anyway, a maximum of two banana surprises should be the limit. Even though they are more-ish. Well, I can't hold my bananas. No, they certainly are. They are more-ish? Yeah. Are you guys ready for more assertions?

Yes, I am. This recipe has won cookery competitions, but has also led to alcoholism in one of the judges, so be warned. Do not drive after eating this dessert. It was the first time that that judge had ever tasted whiskey? I mean, doesn't this guy... Also, it had been left out overnight, so the alcohol had evaporated.

Doesn't this guy live in Britain? No, it's not going to evaporate. No, it's not the first time that this judge has tasted whiskey, it's just, it's also not the first time this guy's encountered this lunatic. That's why he was drunk. Oh, okay. That makes that make sense. Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm too drunk to talk to you. Yes. That is correct. Hick. Five stars. Instead of a banana, I use cucumber. Instead of whiskey, I use Sprite. I of a banana, I use cucumber. Instead of whiskey, I use Zima. Instead of whiskey, I use Sprite.

I'm a woman. I use the hazelnut instead of the cucumber. Right, yeah, that makes sense. Simple dessert. Okay, that sounded great. And as we said, Jack Chick is going to make and eat this. Yeah, you better fucking make it. He told us he would. So I'm looking forward to that. But while we're waiting, can you tell us about Cheesy Heats?

Oh, yeah. I certainly can. I thought they said Cheesy Heats. Look for Cheesy Heats coming soon to a Kindle near you. Chuck Dingle. I'm fucked by the Cheesy Heats. Fucked in the butt by the Cheesy Heats. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It is traditional to buy exotic cheeses at Christmas, but in our... Is it? Yep, sure. That's definitely a British thing. But in our household, they often get left until well after the celebrations before being eaten. My son, William, when aged nine, came up with the idea of putting two different cheeses onto a cheese cracker. Oh my god. Okay, okay, great.

Alright, I'm gonna follow ya. And then put another cracker on top to form a sandwich. And that boy's name was Ritz. I know his son was William, it's already stated. William Ritz. Well, then son was William. It's already stated. William Ritz. Well, then what happened? Yeah, idiot. And then microwave until the cheese is melted.

Oh, my God. Great. That's my son. Your son is crazy. Quick, box his ears and make him sane again. Actually, you know what? That last sentence, there has an entirely different meaning here. Yeah.

My son William put two kinds of cheeses together and then he melted the cheese. Great. That's my son. I thought he was saying the plot twist. My son is a genius. We're not going to read the next recipe, but I

need to read the title of it at least. It's called The Top Secret Heinz Baked Bean Recipe We're not going to read the next recipe, but I need to read the title of it at least. Yep. It's called The Top Secret Heinz Baked Bean Recipe Ingredient. Brown sugar? It's a secret. I like how Britain hasn't been able to figure out how to make fucking baked beans. I don't know. Britain is really into Heinz Baked Beans. I don't understand anything about that. No, I know. They're like. I don't know. Britain is really into Heinz baked beans.

I don't understand anything about that. No, I know. They're like, I don't know how to fucking make this thing. It shows up in British television all the time, where they're like, Heinz baked beans is so good. What the fuck is wrong with you? Is that a common line on British TV? Actually, I think Caroline is British.

Hey, Caroline. Caroline. How come you like Heinz baked beans so much? You know what she said? What would she say? It's mighty fine. Great, that's our boots. Great, that's our boots.

Medicinal ice cream. This joke is still with me. That joke has an aftertaste much like heinz baked beans still there it's my good can't have it poor poor tax oh okay poor tax hi um what are you uh right now i mean you know i understand confused kind of giggly, sort of tired, really hungry. I said right now. That's just your natural state. So at this moment, what are you the most self-conscious about? How old you are or all of your blushing?

I blush because of how old I am. I'm basically bright red like a lava lamp 24-7, so I guess we'll go with that. Okay, so you want to cure blushing? Yeah. I glow in the dark. Well, that's great. So Andy Cater Buxton has

a simple invention to cure blushing, and it's found at caterbuxton.com forward slash page 29 dot htm. I like how entertained Lemon is by the URLs. Page 29, Lemon. What? Never mind.

Okay, so this is a simple invention to cure blushing. That complicated invention from last year? Throw that shit out. We got the simple one. Great. Yep. I'm excited. Blushing can be a very embarrassing experience for children as they are growing up,

and it is not unknown for people to commit suicide over the experience. Wow. All those children committing suicide over blushing. He's upping the ante on his bullshit. Well-documented phenomena. I blush so much, sometimes I want to just kill myself. My blushing's so visible because of my giant head.

But man, you don't have this problem. Stop trying to be a poser. I think this is I think they're referencing episode five, listeners. Episode five is the feeder episode, idiot. Anyway. I'm referencing episode 200. How did you know that offhand?

Shrug. Anyway, I have come up with a simple treatment for blushing so that sufferers can lead a normal life. It has been found by scientists that the liver blushes at the same time as the face blushes. As someone who's opened up a lot of people, I can verify that. From this

information, I found that when the face begins to blush, all one has to do is concentrate on the position of the liver, and then it blushes instead of the face. Here's how gullible I am as a human being. Like, we have been spending, I don't know, whatever it is, 45, 50 minutes right now on fucking Andy Cater Buxton's website. And then you read, it's been found by scientists that the liver blushes at the same time as the face blushes. And my immediate reaction was, oh, that's an interesting fact.

See? He's got you. This is my cure for having a normal brain. You just read this enough times. Yeah, I mean, this is basically the No Such Thing as a Fish podcast now. I'm just learning all of these interesting facts. With a little practice, this method becomes very easy. The diagram below shows the position of the liver for the sufferer to concentrate on.

It is on the right-hand side, which, for anyone who can't see this image on this audio podcast, the left side of the diagram is labeled right side, and the left side of the diagram is labeled right side and the right side of the diagram is labeled left side. Well, that's like stage left. Yeah. Also, apparently the liver is in the same place that the lungs go.

The liver is enormous. Aren't you going to feel embarrassed if you get the sides mixed up and you make your spleen blush? I mean, I don't. Where's Victor? All right. This podcast definitely needs to get sexier again. I feel like we've moved, you know, talking about...

It's already plenty sexy. We're in here! Besides making me blush. We're bringing all the sex. So, the thing that, I mean, obviously sex is great. It's super good. The thing that I don't like. I disagree.

The thing that I don't like so much about sex is the fact that you have. Boots, every time you come, you have, you have to eat a mutton chop. Wait, you mean facial hair? Oh, okay. Lamb. Gotcha. The thing that I don't like quite as much about sexual intercourse is that you have to expend energy to do it.

Right. As an offshoot of my hands-free masturbation invention, I came up with another semicolon. Zero calorie sex semicolon. Which is suitable for those who are not able to have sexual intercourse because of a previous heart attack. Because if you had a heart attack, your doctors tell you don't ever move again. I don't even fucking know what sets it off. Just stay there. Just sit there. You'll be

fine. Don't move. You are to neither gain nor lose calories in any way. Your life is a very delicate balancing act at that point. Remain in stasis. The heart has been monitored by a relate doctor who found that the heartbeat of those that practice this invention

does not go up during lovemaking. It has also been found to be useful for those that are tired after a hard day's work. Because there is little physical movement, this method is suitable for space travel and zero gravity. I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? I'd also like to point out that this is for people who, you know, shouldn't be moving around much,

but somehow they're home after a hard day's work. In space. Yeah, also astronauts. Fuck it. Well, also astronauts. Fuck it. Well, to paraphrase Donovan, if orgasm is a problem... Okay, wait, no, actually.

To paraphrase Donovan, if orgasm is a problem when you're about among the stars, zero-calorie sex will get you from here to Mars. Zero calorie sex is simple to master. Once you have experienced hands-free masturbation, one simply has

to make hands free slightly more complicated. I'm not pushing any buttons. Frank said no. That's great. Yeah, fucking great. No, I mean, obviously. No, no, no. Okay. So, the length of the vagina, or rectum

for that matter, is simply divided into thirds. What? Mm-hmm. Hang on. Hear him out. Hear him out, you guys. Come on. Okay. And the third are contracted and relaxed in turn until orgasm is achieved. This is what we call the golden fellatio.

The thing I can do with my rectum. Valve one. Valve two. Yep. What you want to do is you want to practice by putting a bomb pop up your ass. Oh dear. And then you just try to press on each color in turn.

Damn it, all I have is all these super lemons. Oh dear. Not going to work. For a change, one can tighten and relax the top of the orifice first and worked it downwards. It certainly feels distinctly different. Yeah, I guess so. Yay!

Hey, Jack Chick. Yes. Will you ask me where this website was created? Hey, Lemon. Where was this website created? Well, the Kader Buxton method was created at MrSite.com. It's MrSite. I was extra confused because it said the thirds are, like, you're contracting them. I thought he was saying contracted as in, like, hired in some way.

I had literally no idea what he was talking about. It would make as much sense as anything else this site is turning my brain into mud it's so good it's so good I love this site so much okay um oh you know he's got his he's got his CV I don't know if we're quite ready for the CV. Oh, fuck it. Yeah, okay.

Let's go to the curriculum vitae. Oh, boy. Yay. Okay. So, Boots. Oops. So, Boots, I'm looking here at the Cater Buxton curriculum vitae. Is that right?

Is it vitaitae? I don't know. Here we go. So boots. So you've got some. This is your CV, and these are your inventions, campaigns, and ambitions. Yeah, that's the only section on my CV. Right.

It's the only one that matters. Holy hell, this is long, though the shit okay yeah uh yeah yeah so these are the things these are my accomplishments okay all right so first of all the move away from the east west border from by soviet forces to a distance of 10 kilometers followed by intermediate nuclearate Nuclear Forces Treaty Conventional Forces and European Treaty 1 and 2 Strategic Arms Reduction Treaties 1, 2, and 3. 1, 2, and 3. Gotcha. Next, the U.S.

Russian Federation and U.K. policy of not targeting each other with nuclear weapons. I invented that, you motherfuckers. You know the thing you guys spent 50 years developing until billions of dollars? Yeah, don't point them at each other. Oh.

This guy's on to something. Also, I invented the democratization of Eastern Europe. All is put to Mikhail Gorbachev. This guy is literally claiming that he ended the Cold War. No, the Cold War didn't happen because of this guy. God, that's so good. He went back in time and made it so the Cold War never happened. Which is weird because I don't know how Mikhail Gorbachev came out of anything then.

Anyway, okay. He invented Mikhail Gorbachev, idiot. Yeah, dumbass. When you hit someone in the ears hard enough, they become Mikhail Gorbachev, idiot. Yeah, dumbass. When you hit someone in the ears hard enough, they become Mikhail Gorbachev. Have you ever seen Mikhail Gorbachev and Kyder Buxton in the same place at the same time? You got a good point.

A whole bunch of UK things. Yep, yep. I like the word plebiscite. Oh, yeah, the plebiscite in Ireland on the future of Northern Ireland. Oh, it the word plebiscite oh yeah the the plebiscite in ireland on the future of northern ireland oh it's not plebiscite it's plebiscite what's a plebiscite um okay what else you got boots uh finding combined cuts and savings for the labor government over 50 billion dollars uh nope okay uh i voted the GMB credit card, the GMB logo, the Oxfam credit card, the WaterAid credit card, and microsurgery.

The word logo shows up a lot in your CV. Sure does. Despite you clearly not having a talent for graphic design. Listen, I'm not going to... It pretty much means referendum. I'm not going to design anything unless there means referendum. I'm not going to design anything unless there's billions of pounds in it for me. Yeah, I mean...

That makes sense. As a designer, why would you want any of your personal information to look good? Good point, good point. I don't need to advertise myself. So wait, wait, wait. I'm British. Hey, Andy.

Caterbuxton.com. You're not the guy that invented Michael Foot, are you? I am. I invented Michael Foot, the HIV-destroying machine which prolongs the life of sufferers. It's him. It's him. It's him, my guys. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You're the guy who invented Michael Foot. All right. I've invented guy who invented Michael Foot. All right. I've invented a machine that destroys HIV. Now all we need is a name. I invented the use of an oil-eating bacteria that uses oil spills at sea. Put to Harold Wilson a similar method to one that was used in the Gulf War on beaches. Have you invented any possibility?

Yeah, I invented the possibility that excess water could be moved from scotland to the southeast by present canals doesn't mean anything i invented a safety device for workers and gas mains what just a safety device have you ever seen the safety device i invented the five buxton coefficients of unemployment used in cutting unemployment levels without affecting any levels of inflation. A spin-off being that there can be a week-to-week growth in the economy. Did you save any tree at all? Like, did you save any tree from extinction?

Well, first I saved the Canadian caribou from extinction. Jointly with the Canadian New Democratic Party. That makes sense. That's nice that you were willing to share. A party that has no goddamn power. Right. I also saved the dodo tree from extinction. Well, now it's very poorly named, though,

is the problem. They named it that anticipating what would happen. Then you godmode it in and... Well, name it that because it's not very dumb and tastes poor yeah it's quite dumb it whatever I'm drunk keep going we have a lot in common I invented a water well Doug supplies 50,000 people with

freshwater quadruples the amount of food that can be produced and leads to the fall and birth rate Western civilizations wait Western levels the birth rate to Western levels within three, Western levels? Birthrate to Western levels within three months, the Buxton gap. I persuaded the UN to have a policy of digging water wells in the

third world for some years and intend to do so again. Hey, UN, you thought about getting water to people in the third world? So you campaigned for a couple things, right? Yeah, I campaign for the press political bias

to be controlled in a similar way to that of the Yellow Book, which I guess isn't... Okay, which regulates political coverage in BBC in proportion to the number of votes won at the previous general election. And you campaign for something for the political party. Yes, I campaign to have the political parties funded

from the taxation system. With proportion of the funds to each political party directly linked to proportion of votes in the previous general election. Okay, that's a terrible idea because that means that winning begets winning. Yes. Yeah. No, that's how it should work. He invented it.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. Hey, you know what? You know what, Andy? Thanks a whole lot for fixing Britain's political system. You're welcome. It sucked before, but it's super good now. That's why they only have those baked beans to eat. Hey, only the best candidates.

What? Hi. I'm super worried about fish stocks. Do you know if there's anything we can do about that? He's always talking about fish stocks. Yeah, I am. Fish stocks?

Fish stocks. Oh, damn it. I had my nice fish socks on for nothing. I was going to say Portax had her credit card out. I was ready to click that shopping cart. I said fish, not pterodactyl. All right, so do we have a practical solution to fish stock depletion, Boots? I think Isfahan does, actually.

A practical solution to fish stock depletion take notes fish in the wild are being over exploited and whole fish species face extinction but there is an easy way of preventing these extinctions an international law should be passed which ensures that the gonads of all fish caught are liquidized. Holy god! Liquidized. That is a word. Yes, yes it is. That is how you make something liquid. You liquidize it.

Anyway, you put it into water containers. The fish are usually gutted anyway, so this would not be a great hardship for the fishermen. Yeah, no, that wouldn't be a great hardship. I think that would really streamline the process. Yeah, the labor of cutting fish sticks off. Right, right, I love that. Okay, gotta dress the fish.

Obviously you have to cut the balls off. And melt them. Throw them in a blender. Stick it in a blender. I'm gonna put that on my CV. Invented word, which means to make something into liquid. And once you have liquid fish nuts, then you drink that and that will cure... You have to watch your calorie intake.

Actually, liquidizing is like all fish good as must go. Fish are having sex. Once liquidized artificial fertilization takes place and after 24 hours the fertilized fish eggs can be released

into the sea it does not matter where the eggs are put back because the fry of each species find their way back to the environment

they originally came from okay all fish are salmon. What? No. So I put them all into this lake that doesn't connect to any other waterway. I released them into SeaWorld. No.

You know, this place used to be cool before it was completely and totally swamped with fish balls. Gentrification, man. You can't fight it. Yeah, why did they gotta stick fish junk in the blender? I don't understand why that's even part of the process. So it can be liquidized. In this way, the sea can be repopulated and fishing can even become sustainable. The Japanese were the first country to fish in this way.

What? Yes. No, they didn't do that. I invented the Japanese, so indirectly it's mine too. Certainly not at all what they did. And they had their navy protect the massive shoal until the fish matured. I have only heard of it being done the once, though. I don't even understand.

I think this guy has some kind of pathological block, which means he can't go more than a paragraph without making an outlandish, easily disprovable claim. So coming very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much to the end. In fact, we should probably already be over the end, but I love this fucking website so much. And because I love this website,

that's why I went to caterbuxson.com forward slash page 50 dot htm, which is how you can show your support for caterbuckson.com, which is that you can download a JPEG, which you will then print up and hang in your window. Yes. Are you going to do that?

It's just a picture of the dude. I'm going to put it on my arcade cabinet. Please do. Can we get caterbuxton.com stickers? Well, I mean, I don't know. I'd have to go into profit sharing with them. I don't want to, you know, take away from... Anyway, so that's obviously...

His nickname is Red Rose Andy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Red Rose Andy Cater Buxton. Why wouldn't it be? That's his stripper name. All right, and so the very, very, very last thing is a petition. Caroline, at this point, went to...

It was number10.gov.uk. It's a space for online petitions to be sent to the Prime Minister's office. We're in the Wayback Machine at this point. But what I need here is I need for Portex to read me the text of the petition and then Jack Chick to read me the signatories of the petition. Okay, got it. All right. You shouldn't even bother waiting for the giggling to stop.

All right. No, yeah, okay. Yeah, it's going to keep going. We, the undersigned, petition the Prime Minister to ensure that the use of the Cater Buxton method to cure the mentally ill in the NHS. Okay, good, good. And tell me a little bit more. Decades ago, I discovered a cure for mental health problems, and

during this time, over 35,000 have died needlessly in the UK. By my hand. The cure has been used on a wide variety of mental health problems. The procedure stuns and resets the brain of the patient So that the patient returns to a normal condition Which I'm quite familiar with

The K.D.R. Buxton method is done by making a fist of both hands And striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time And pressure with soft parts So at this point you sort of explain again this head-hitting method. But just skip down to a psychiatrist cannot. Sure. A psychiatrist cannot be found to officially evaluate this invention because it would replace their profession with practice nurses.

You know, the nurses that have the training wheels on both sides of their feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Bunny Bread's fucked a lot of practice nurses. Yeah, that's true. I guess that's what they're called in Britain. I think it means nurse practitioners. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Sorry. So that's his petition,

and it's got some signatories. Isn't that right, Jack Jack? It does, it does. You can see all of these bands at Metal Fest. Yeah, yes, yes, you can. So we have Deborah Rock, You can see all of these bands at Metal Fest. Yeah. Yes, you can. So we have Deborah Rock, who is joined by Looney McBin.

This man is a crunchy nutter. Don't listen to him. Um, yeah, reboot people. That'll work. Jillian McKeith McQuack. Lazarus J. Alzheimer III. I actively wish to vote against this absurd petition.

Pee Pants the Hobo Clown. I'm really looking forward to their act. Why not try trepiding while you're at it? Wow, fixing them by hitting them. You know what this literal whack job needs? Yes, a big slap. William P. Tossnuts.

Gore Balls Monkey Testicle. Jesus Wept. I like how Jack morphed into his royalty voice. Noxon Send Sintomi. Oh, that's democracy

I suppose. Fail! Andy Kader Buxton is obviously a complete loony. Use his method on him. Go to www.kader-buxton.com for more of this man's insanity. This man is very ill. No, no, no. He's ill, very ill. No, no, no. He's ill, very ill.

Oh, my apologies. I am retarded. Please punch me. The psychiatrist that cannot be found. I think we should give Andy five billion pounds for this discovery.

Hey, Andy, you can't sign the petition twice. I think Andy's got a good idea. Yeah, me too. Ersef Besarionis J. Jugashvili. I support punching crazy people in the head. Please stop this man slapping my head and then trying to hand clap up my chump. Interdenominational Q engine. D.lusional.

V.S. Guys a moron. Oh, nice. That worked out really good. Mr. M. Hatter. Hey, someone in here, I think their name is I. Mr. M. Hatter. Hey, someone in here, I think their name is I-Amma. Yes, yes, yes.

I am a nomal person, and I think you're all being horrid. I think that one came in under the wire, yeah. William Robson. Jacob Zuma. Ashley Cole. Pistonator.

Punch out my depression, please. That'll really work. Woo, science. Dr. Milk Spasm. Author of prescribed spam to your patients, whatever the symptoms. Richard J. Crackpot III. I am changing my Steve name to Dr. Milk Spasm. Juan Kusoff.

The bass player from The Levelers. Why has this not been rejected as an advertisement? Are all these people the ones that managed the ska bands that didn't come to F Plus Live? I think we need to call someone. I also missed reading Hard On Spaz Jacket. Yeah, I was looking at that one.

I was like, speaking of scheme names, call later. Also, Miss A- Ah, no! Like, Zombie124, I was in the second row of the Thriller video. So, F+, what did we

learn from this? I learned how to get some cool-looking fish socks. I'm going to buy them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. You just know learned how to get some cool looking fish socks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you just know that was a Google image search for fish socks? Yep. It just pulled up some powerful, powerful images.

I like that this guy was mostly just crazy in his ideas and not nearly as much in his language. Like, normally this, it wasn't so crazy like in the fonts and the colors and the size of the text it wasn't like it it wasn't a barrage of of just like instant like like look at your eyes you're seeing crazy it was it was just like it was like

i'm a guy that has these ideas also they are fucking nuts yeah he wasn't incoherent. Crazy. I learned who the British politics version of Amy Lee is. It's not nearly enough time travel. Some time travel. Who needs more? I mean, I learned how to make some really kick-ass crackers, so I mean, that's Dude,

you guys are going to, at Next F Plus Live, you guys are going gonna have some amazing desserts yeah yeah yeah well like i said i mean i'm i'm coming to portland soon and i'm expecting some whiskey nannies oh yeah you'll definitely have one prepared for you wait wait a gouda and a goat cheese in the same cracker i don't believe it then melt it that, two kinds of crackers, too. Yeah. I find it interesting because he, with those quackery kind of things, because he puts together this petition, and nobody signs it in earnest. And that's that guy's life that...

Is it like, do you think it's a Scientology thing where, like, he's going apeshit on his dumb beliefs and then anyone who's going like, ha ha, you're an idiot, is like, you know, has a vested interest in keeping him down? No. Is that what he's thinking? I don't think he processes any outside information.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that he's just, I think he's crazy enough that he's just completely off in his own world. Yeah, I think he just sits at home and thinks stuff up and then decides that it's gold and puts it out there. So, you know what actually strikes me is this guy has the kind of crazy where you would expect his website

to actually be a lot less easy to read. Like, he didn't have the multi-colors and all the different fonts and the bolding and the italics all over the place. Like, um, which is a little bit striking now that I'm thinking about it, because this guy is obviously

just completely fucking nuts. Well, I think the good people of Mr. Sight really reigned him in. He's a good get. We have standards here at Mr. Sight. Thanks. Great.

I use lobster. The website, as always, thewebsite.us, brought to us by Mr. Sight. Use the offer code. It's not a law firm.-F-B-L dot U-S, brought to us by Mr. Sight. Use the offer code. It's not a law firm. Also, check out Ball Pit. Why? Why?

Because Frank West made an emoticon golem. Yeah, so sometimes I'll be at work and there'll be like a gap, because I don't know what your guys' work is like, but sometimes my work is kind of like it comes and fits and starts. So there'll be gaps between work. And so there'll be sometimes when I'm sitting at my desk and I have nothing to do. And at those times, more emojis get added to Ball Pit. Where would I go if I wanted to go to Ball Pit?

It would be B-A-L-P dot I-T. You can choose from a whole bunch of different mustaches, such as the Wyatt Earp or the Brian Blessed, and then you can put different hats on them. It's a feature that nobody asked for, but I still spent two and a half hours on it. I found Frank's post. This is God, dear.

That nobody asked for and almost nobody uses. And almost nobody uses. Yes, correct. Alright, well thanks for listening. Bye bye. I like it. It gives me energy. I'm a teenage teen envy. I'm a teenage, teenage soul.

I'm a teenage soul.