The F Plus - 210: Adventures in ReTale

Episode Date: April 17, 2016

Working in retail can be a stressful and thankless experience, but as in all things, the internet is there to help. NotAlwaysRight is a place where visitors can share their stories of totally pwning the customers they had to deal with and how impressed everyone was with that experience. This week, The F Plus wonders "God, what is this madness?" PS: Lemon apologizes in advance for confusing Kevin McCarthy with Mark McKinney. It's eating him up inside.

Can we get any more stories, like, just taken from the whitest kids you know trash bin? Hey, Bill! Batman War! Ooh, that one was terrible. Fuck it. Wait a minute. Are you saying to me that the whitest kids you know rejected a sketch at some point? Impossible. impossible this is the F plus a very honest and realistic place for terrible things read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Rangier. I happen to be Pagan with some mystic friends who taught me a few tricks. Yes, Fahan.

Yes, just a Malibu and pineapple with the cherry juice, but no coconut. I hate coconut. Just Malibu, pineapple juice, and cherries. No coconut! Welcoming him back. We love him so much. Achilles Heelys. Yes, you will. I am a vampire lord, and you are under my mental

control. He is your friend, but more importantly, he's my friend on the internet. Adam Bozarth. How fucking dare you call me white trash? I'm so much better than you. I own the mall down the street. And Lemon.

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. George Orwell, 1984. That last line is something you ought to think about before opening your rude mouth. Hey, F+. Hello, Lemon. Hi, Lemon.

Hey, Lemon. How have your customer service experiences been? Oh, pleasant and productive. Always refreshing. Okay. So, I'm looking at the people in this room right now, Achilles Heeles and Adam Bozarth and Isfahan and Boots Reindeer. Have all of you worked in retail?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I have. Sure have. Okay. Okay. Did you have uncomfortable experiences with customers while you were working retail? Oh, yeah.

Many times. Okay. I worked at a place that was essentially a game spot, so no, not really. Okay. Mostly normal, like, you know, well- Well-socialized human beings. Exactly. One Mega Man, please.

I did Hollywood video. No one's weird there. So. Right. So, yeah. So so this is a document that was provided to us by Cheapskate over a year ago now. And it is called Not Always Right Dotcom. So the thing that you failed in doing and and i've personally failed in doing i've also worked retail is that is that none of us while we were um working in retail and having conversations with customers um were um blogging about our experiences while we're having with customers

oh oh darn it yep sorry sorry i mean you know there, you know There's so many opportunities to fame And you've missed them all I'm sorry about that 1997 blogging opportunities It's probably why Hollywood Video Is out of business now Geocities page wasn't going to update itself You could have had a Z, motherfucker

Alright, here we go So, we're going to be running through several stories from the Not Always Right blog at unfiltered.notalwaysright.com. And we're going to start out with this one. So this is a person who is looking for a persona four,, a copy of Persona 4, a real actual... The thing is important is that all of these are real stories. Nothing about them will smell like bullshit. The other thing

important about this is that they're all delivered to us in script format. They are delivered in script format. Boots, you are going to be the customer. And Achilles Heelys, you are going to be the employee. All right. We ready?

Oh, yeah. All right. And curtain and scene. Here we go. I work at a GameStop. I'm sorry. I work at GameStop. One day, a mid-20s guy wearing a football jersey comes into the store with a copy of

Persona 4 Golden. He looks impatiently as he waits in line for his turn for service, like he doesn't want to be in a video game shop. Finally, it's his turn. Hello. Oh, hello. I was misled into a sale. At this GameStop? What do you mean? The customer sets his Persona 4 case

on the counter. I was told this game is an RPG. It's not like any RPG I've ever played. Persona 4! Persona 4! Tagline. That actually might be on the back of the box.

Attributed to irate customer. There's more than one kind of RPG out there, sir. What kind of RPGs do you usually play? I was thinking something like Skyrim or Fallout. Yeah. Something open and free and exciting. This game's too slow and boring. There's a lot of talking

and it takes forever to get to the fighting part. It's hard to hit enemies instead of fighting them in the halls and battle them through menus. Well, yeah. It's a menu based RPG. They've been around for 30 years now.

My co-worker chuckles to himself. Is there a way to turn that mode off? Uh, no. It's a fundamental part of the game. Do you ask to turn off shooting when you play shooters? Boom!

The customer grows angry with me. I can't imagine why. Well, if he plays Fallout, then yes. I should have been told what kind of game this was. Is this Persona game even fully translated? Characters call each other Kun and Senpai

all the time. They never notice me. Hot meme, Lemon. Thanks. I felt very guilty saying that because I don't even know what I'm quoting. Game takes place in Japan. They call each other those names because those names are Japanese honorifics.

Oh, boy. Yeah, I said this to the customer. And then I push my glasses up on my nose before continuing. Consider the game a learning experience into another culture. Ugh. Ugh.

Yeah, but the customer's being a dick. Adam, you're stealing my line. Oh, sorry. Now then, ugh. Ugh. I just want my money back quickly, please. I have places to be. Yeah, like football congress.

We can only refund the game and store credit. But there aren't any good games for the Vita. Now, now, now. I assure you we can find something you like. I swear to God, if any clerk ever said now, now, now to me, it would be a free knuckle sandwich. Don't worry, this didn't actually happen. This totally happened.

What are you talking about? Well, something fast and exciting. Maybe there's a Call of Duty game around for you to try. We wouldn't want to stick you with a game with reading your strategy now, would we? Yep, exactly. It's fine. See? He said that to a human being. Hold on.

Continue the story. You bet. So the story erupts into laughter and then applause. See? Yeah, just like that. see yeah just like that the customer takes his persona game and marches out the door funnily enough I made employee of the month the end

right then and there this is like every TV tropes confetti rained from the ceiling into one little toilet. So I just want to say thanks again, Cheapskate, for this document. And the level of believability, and I've only scanned through this document a couple times,

but I will tell you that the level of believability will only lessen. So to that end, Adam. Yes. You tell me which story you would like to read. So your options here are option number one is paging Leonidas to the front desk or putting the X into Xmas. I think I would like to play the customer in paging Leonidas. Paging Leonidas to the front desk. Okay, fair enough.

That makes sense. So this is found on notalwaysright.com slash tag slash hardware store slash page slash 13 because easy to find. Hardware store. Website development is super hard. Hardware store. If you go to that URL, you will have a hard time finding it anyway. So I will be your cashier if that's alright with you.

Okay. So let's go through it. Bootsy, if you'll take the stage direction. Thank you very much. Look, my friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store. Now go get it for me. Sir, I've already told you

we don't have any hammers back here that aren't already stocked on the shelves. Look here! Fuck you! I know you're trying to save money by switching out your stocks! Give me this hammer!

Game stops are always saving money by not stocking hammers. What an unrealistic customer voice. At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what's going on. Note that I'm the manager. Oh, okay. It's fine. You'll be the manager then. Okay. Is there a problem?

Yes, sir. Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to All employees do what I tell them to Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don't have what you're looking for So maybe you should go back to shelves and check yourself before you wreck yourself Fuck that! It's not... You're okay! You don't need to...

Stop! Get what I asked for! That's it. Get out of my store. What? No! Sir, get out, or I have to take you out. Okay, how are you going to do that? Then do it.

I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar and drag him to the door. Now then, you want to apologize and maybe come back in? Oh, for fuck's sake! No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness? Totally sad.

Puts the customer down. What is this? I turn back to the cashier who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer. Madness, this is Sparta. Oh, God! Fuck you! Oh, man.

Fuck you! Cool, man. Fuck you! Cool. Cool. You just upset a fan of 300. I can't count the number of times a customer has said, God, what is this madness? Oh, God. And then I had these antennas grow out of my head.

And then the jelking started to work. We got a big old hard-on. Everybody gave me hard-on of the month. We kicked him out of the GameStop. And then he just, what, he left? Or he was in the pit that was outside of the GameStop? It was a hardware store, so it could be like a pit

out front of a Home Depot. Okay, that makes sense. No, Lemon's right. They're all GameStops. They're all GameStops in spirit. This is GameStop. Not always GameStop. So, the next piece that we have from Cheapskate here is a cast of characters.

So this is a story about a con that's going on nearby. The fast food joint is full of people in cosplay. A rather attractive woman dresses a cheerleader with a pink chainsaw. So like that one game. She leaves the building with her friends. They are whistled at by two rowdy customers entering. So Bucci will be the

customer number one. I will be customer number two. And then male cosplayer Adam, you'll be number one. Okay. Male cosplayer number two, Isfahan, and number three, Achilles Helios. I'm glad this doesn't go beyond that. Here we go.

We've reached our limit. That's a lot of people to keep track of. Hey, dude! Check out all these freaks in here! Oh, God! They're everywhere! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking freaks! This said to male cosplayer in front of me.

Oi, mate! What the fuck are you supposed to be? M-m-me? I'm Karkat from Homestuck. Oh, boy. Well, you look like a joke. What the fuck are those on your head? Nice. well done. Well, the customer flicks the orange horns clipped to the cosplayer's hair. Please don't do that.

I made these myself, and I don't want them to break. You hear that? The little freak made his own horns. Ah, I guess it's not all bad, though. Did you see that chick with the massive rack? Oh. I know you don't see hot cheerleaders every day. What?

She's totally going to get it off me later. Get her off me. Get her off me. Get her off me. I got all these spiders on me. I heard she knows how to remove ticks. Yeah, we'll find her and give it to her good. I'm gonna squee those tits of her so hard.

Can you please stop? It's really degrading to talk about women like that. The whole restaurant goes quiet, and they turn to the rowdy customers. If a slag didn't want it, she wouldn't have them hanging out. By the way, Boots, you just said slag, so that means that this has all been in your English accent.

Yeah, I'm not sure how you didn't recognize it. No, no, no, I'm sorry. Just want the listener to know that they're hearing an English accent at this point. I did say oi earlier. Oh, you did, yep. She was in costume. Besides, what does it matter how she was dressed?

Clothing isn't an invitation. Do you want to take it outside? Just then, another male customer in the corner, who also happens to be a cosplayer, speaks up. If you fight him you have to fight me first. Da da da da da da da da da Who said that?

The male cosplayer, number two, stands up to reveal he is well over six feet tall and very muscular, but in costume too. In my mind he's dressed as I know it's about to reveal and very muscular, but in costume too. In my mind, it's,

he's dressed as, uh, I know it's about to reveal who it is, but I mean, he's dressed as black dynamite. Black dynamite? And he stands up and yeah, and just dynamite. See,

I mean, I mean, that's fine, but I feel like I was imagining Thomas Hayden church. Oh, and as Sandman? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's the buffest guy you can think of.

Okay. I was trying to think of the buffest guy you could cosplay as. Yeah, Thomas Hayden Church. Thomas Hayden Church, okay. So what does male cosplayer number two say? And I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose to defend women from sexist pigs like you

and defend people's right to cosplay! We skipped a line. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, that's what I'm doing. Male cosplayer number two and male cosplayer number three also said improbable shit. We skipped a line. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, that's what I'm doing. Male cosplayer number two and male cosplayer number three also said improbable shit. I apologize. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's okay. Well, what happens after that completely real one? Well, then the two rowdy customers quickly remove themselves from the restaurant. So, like. They put the Sandman hook over their own necks.

They grab each other by the nape of their neck. You mean Thomas Hayden Church comes over with the giant hook. The two rowdy customers quickly remove themselves from the restaurant while Karkat, Thor, and Loki receive a round of applause. Darn, oh my.

Why is all these stories ending in a round of applause? Because that's what really fucking happened. Well, no, it's the scene change. You gonna debate journalism, asshole? They might as well end in, and then he froze in place while Simple Minds, Don't You Forget About Me, continue to play, fade to black.

I've been Richard Dreyfuss this whole time. Sincerely, The Breakfast Club. I'm sure that trend's not going to continue. Anyway, we should move on to story six. What's that one called? Oh, story six is called From the Odd Couple to the Applauded Couple. Oh, God. All right. So, God. Alright.

So, Boots, I'll be the narrator here. You're gonna be man. Isfahan, you're gonna be co-worker number one. And Achilles, you're gonna be co-worker number two. You ready? Alright, here we go. And then, am I the woman? Oh, uh, I didn't

see there was a woman. Yes, of course. Okay. So, I am working the day shift. We'll have to figure out who I am in this case. But anyway, I'm working the day shift at our grocery store. I am almost always working with the same two coworkers. Coworker number two is great. If manically excitable actor. TV tropes, while co-worker number one is a very flamboyant gay who usually styles up his uniform.

The customers love them since they're best friends and spend most of their time bantering back and forth like an odd couple. Oh, God. most of their time, bantering back and forth like an odd couple. Oh, God. Yeah, like, when you're buying kale, like, you're super in there for, like, the plot line of it, right? Long enough to hear this witty repartee. Absolutely. You two should have your own show.

On this day, a man and a woman, both clearly tourists, walk over to the counter. Hey there. We were just wondering if you keep any good brandy in stock. You are in luck, sir. What takes your fancy? Hmm? No, I mean, okay. From the moment he speaks, the man's face goes from a friendly smile to a grimace to a particularly vicious glare.

Oh. My. God. Never ask me what kind of brandy I like! You just gonna stand between me and my brandy? Concerned. What's the matter, sir? You a fag? Oh my god, they got a fag working at the counter. Yeah, the worst place for a retail person.

You should be ashamed of yourself. There are children here. Okay, I won't write out in full what they said, but the man and woman, because, you know, I want to keep this on the down low. The man and woman start screaming expletives at him and accusing him of everything, from raising the prices to poisoning the cigars. It's all very bigoted and disgusting, and the other customers present are horrified. While coworker number one is almost in tears, suddenly, coworker number two, who has just come out of the back, presumably wearing his coworker number two t-shirt, hears this and pushes through the crowd.

Excuse me, folks. Oh, finally, a God-fearing man. Can you please get that bag out of our sight? Can you please get that bag out of our sight? Coworker number two is straight, but he pushes the man aside and grabs coworker number one in a tender embrace. Actually, I was going to ask you to get out, but when in Canberra... Canberra? In front of the whole store, coworker number two sweeps coworker number one

in an overly dramatic, passionate kips on the lips. In abject terror, the couple flees the stores. The other customers in the store break out in applause. This is disgusting. He flees out in the store with his wife. Which already happened. Yep.

He flees the store twice. That's how terrified they were. I drag her back in to say that, and then drag her right again. He runs back in to say that, and then leaves again. Breaks out into a huge grin. Speak for yourself.

Oh, fuck you. Like, every single story in this has a Kevin McCarthy villain. Everywhere I go, somebody's crushing my head. Okay. Let's see. Oh, my God. Every one of these stories is super believable.

Tale of customer service. Why do you keep saying that? Because I believe them. That's the thing. As I scroll through this document Cheapskate provided, I believe everything that I read. Yeah, me too. Okay. Okay, here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Achilles Heeles. Yeah. All right. I'm going to let you make a choice here. 22 pages in this document so option number one is a story

called Fight the Not Always Right Fight which stars Poem by E.E. Cummings girl number one, girl number two and boy and co-worker because and me

and option number two is called our great discrimma capital nation part three oh that one stars customer guard and me i feel like that's not really a choice i think i've got to go for the second one there. Our great discrimination part three. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. So then, to that end, Achilles, you are going to be me. Isvan, you are going to be the customer. And Boots, voice of authority there, you are going to be the guard. All right, here we go.

Find it. guard. Alright, here we go. So, find it. So, I'm currently stocking food in the aisle, stacking some ramen noodles on the cart. I'm born American of Islamic parents. I'm

also Catholic. Islamic, huh? Islamic parents? Islamic... Don't parse it. It's difficult. A customer approaches me with a security guard. See? He's putting up square packages. They're bombs.

He's gonna blow up this store and kill us all to appease Muhammad. So, the guard looks at her like she's an idiot. Ma'am, I hardly think that just because he's doing his job, he's going... No, his kind are all evil. The Lord is my shepherd and his is false. I've been trying to ignore her, but finally get fed up. I stand up and walk over towards her, crossing my arms. Everybody else gets comfortable. Yeah, yeah, take a seat. Here we go. Monologue time.

Being born of an Islamic family does not make me a member of the Islamic faith, nor any more likely to inflict violence than anyone else with a proper upbringing. Because my upbringing's not proper. Hey, I'm not one of those guys!

That's not me! Furthermore, I'm not with those guys. That's not me. Furthermore, I'm Catholic, so your bigoted claims that I'm doing something malicious in the process of doing my job are completely irrelevant and unfounded. I don't know what Islamic means, but that's fine. Furthermore, by trying to use your religion as a cover for your irrational hatred of those who are different on you, I have no doubts that the holiest is looking down on you right now with sorrow and contempt

and preparing you a special place in hell for using his word to justify your hatred. Wait a minute. Catholic hell or Muslim hell? Yeah. Does Islam have a hell? And why is God crafting spaces in hell when the devil reigns in hell? He'd probably like that, right? Yeah.

Oh, you're playing right into his hands right there. So the customer tries to sputter out a response, but it's clear she can't find the words. The thing about ignorant people is they have a hard time, like, articulating their opinions. Like, when you call ignorant people on their belief, they're like, oh, you're right, I'm sorry, I'm super dumb. I can't formulate a proper argument.

That's usually what they sound like. I watch as her face turns red, like she's about to throw a tantrum, but just stomps off instead, which is kind of a tantrum, leaving me and the security guard standing there. I'm calming down and realize I shouted pretty much all of that. And there are people staring at me. Well, that came out of nowhere. Dude, that was awesome. You shut it down cold. The customers who had walked over to see the commotions applauded me and defended me when my manager came up to write me off for telling off a customer.

So I found out the next week that the woman had to be arrested after she made a similar racism untrue claim about a Japanese exchange student. I subscribe to the police blotter on racism. And then she committed suicide in her holding cell, and now she's dead. Then I became grocery store prom king. It was the best day at GameStop ever. I feel like Cheapskate just searched not always right for the word applause. Anyway, so the similar racist and untrue statement

about a Japanese exchange student that was working in the deli in the mid-40s and threatened violence on him. I threatened violence on him! Threatened violence on you! Alright. So, this... Delis don't exist in grocery stores in Minneapolis?

Yeah, I guess not. Okay. So, this piece is not about racism. Alright. So, yeah, we're going to change gears here. This is a conversation between a

young girl, played by Isfahan, and a cashier, barista sort of person, played by Adam Bozarth. And this story is called Judge a Sandwich on its Filling. Okay?

Great. Here? Great. Here we go. Great. A young girl that is about 14 walks in. She gets some looks from other patrons, as she has bright purple hair, multiple piercings, a leather jacket, and ripped jeans.

It is freezing outside, and she has a scowl on her face that makes me nervous. Hello, welcome to... Coffee shop! How may I help you? I'll take five of the largest black coffees you have and ten of your ham and cheese sandwiches.

What? Okay, will that be all? Yeah. Your total is... Price. Because it would be, like, damaging because if you knew what the price was for that amount of food, you could figure out what coffee was. Wait a minute.

I know where she works. To my surprise, she pulls out a $100 bill. I am suspicious and check to make sure it's real. She checks out, and I give her a bag with her sandwiches. Here is your change. Your coffee will be ready in a moment. I keep an eye

on her as she stands around glaring at anyone who looks at her. I see her looking at the tip jar. When I hand her the coffees, she asks me about it. Your tip jar says that the money goes to you guys. Are any of you in college? Because, okay.

Yes, I'm going to Rochester Institute of Technology. A few others are in college as well. Good for you. Okay, here we go. She pulls out the change I gave her and a few more $20 bills. She crams them in the jar and salutes me jokingly before walking out. I am stunned and chase after her. I find her on the street corner talking to some homeless people and handing out the sandwiches and coffee.

Excuse me? I'm sorry, did I forget something? No, but you tipped us over $100. You're also giving away a lot of food. Yeah, my dad is crazy rich. I feel like I can do more if I

actually interact with people instead of signing a check to a charity. Every Friday I gather anyone I can see who needs a good meal and buy it for them. She smiles brightly. I may be young, but I can make a difference. I usually hand out flyers for homeless

shelters or soup kitchens too. Young people can't make a difference! Kevin McCarthy, stop. Without another word, she walks off silently. I don't stop smiling for the rest of the week. It goes to show you that appearances aren't everything. Those leather jacket ripped jeans teenagers. And the homeless people applauded.

They were just warming their hands. That little girl fixed homelessness and I helped. Will I ever see you again? Alright. So Boots, being a good person is not doctor's order.

Did you know that? I'm about to know that. Well,'s order did you know that? I'm about to know that well you're going to know that because you're going to be the manager in this situation Adam Bozarth is your customer and then Achilles Heelies you're going to be the me

in this situation and then eventually we're going to get to the five-year-old behind me, which will be Isfahan. Okay. Which is an important turn. Alright, here we go. So, being a good person is not

doctor's orders. One of our national TV broadcasters has a chain of stores that sells DVDs and other merchandise for the shows on their channel. It's weirdly nonspecific. I am waiting in the store in line behind an older customer.

But I understand why your shop is full of this Doctor Who rubbish. Because this is England! It's a waste of space. You should be selling products Because this is England! It's a waste of spice! You should be selling products for good! Awesome educational shows, not this science fiction crap. It doesn't teach kids anything.

I bet that stuff doesn't even sell. It teaches you how to pick locks with screwdrivers. Yeah. With all due respect, ma'am, Doctor Hugh is one of our network's highest rating and most popular dramas. And while it is primarily aimed

at an older audience, it meets the Australian Board of Classification's definition of a family show. So that was an Australian accent that Adam was trying out there. Furthermore, you don't have to watch it or purchase a merchandise

if you don't agree with it. It's not the most popular. Ow. Oh my God. The Creosote is fucking furious. He sprouted a second bowler hat on his head.

Oh, but the girl behind me and furious. He sprouted a second bowler hat on his head. I'll bet the girl behind me has never even heard of it. She turns to look at me and realizes I'm wearing a TARDIS t-shirt holding several pieces

of Doctor Who merchandise. Guess what happens to his monocle? Like, do I have a string of it? Like a trophy mount? Behind me in line is a mother of five and eight-year-old sons buying a Doctor Who backpack for the

older one. The customer realizes her argument isn't going to work and decides to start attacking the mother. You shouldn't let him watch that science fiction crap. It doesn't teach them anything.

I mean, it teaches you how like, weird British faces can get sometimes. They think Britain will teach you that. Normally, I would keep my mouth shut, wink, wink, in this situation and let the manager handle it. But I was getting so fed up that I finally decided to speak up. Normally, I would keep my mouth shut regarding Doctor Who anything, but Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

I don't like, oh, no, that's a conversation that you people are having about Doctor Who. I won't impose into this conversation. Listen, I may be dressed up as the Miss Universe from Doctor Who land. But normally I exercise discretion about who I share.

I don't want to impose. You people are having a good evening. Continue to have a good evening with your opinions on Doctor Who, which, by the way, are completely wrong. I'm intrigued with what you have to say about it. Excuse me, but Doctor Who is an extremely deep and educational show with a large cult following that teaches lessons that go far beyond the schoolyard. That's something you said, yes. I'd be in to recite a speech given by a character on the show.

The doctor taught me that you don't just give up. You don't just let things happen. You make a stand. You say no. You have the guts to do what's right when everyone else just runs away. And if you're looking for a forum with very few posts on Doctor Who, you should go to BALP. B-A-L-P dot I-T.

There's only 27 threads that mention Doctor Who, which, you know, comparatively to the Internet, is pretty small. Yeah. Anyway, so taken back, the customer shuts her mouth, quickly paying for things and leaves. Mommy, I changed my mind. I want to be like her when I grow up. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh my god! Okay. In the course of this episode, that so far is the least believable line. Yeah. Mommy! Video games

are art! Mommy, video games are art. That grown Doctor Who fan changed my life. All right. Well, Boots is really excited about number 21. So, all right. I was going to get to the... All right, here we go. Here we go.

Boots. Oh, my God. I hate this fucking thing. I want here we go. Boots. Um. Oh my god, I hate this fucking thing. I want to play the role of phone. I hate this fucking thing. I hate this. Okay, here we go. Can I be phone? Can I be phone?

So, Boots, this is a phone conversation that you were really excited about for reasons that are... No, it's not a phone conversation. I just want to be a phone. It's a phone-based conversation. This is a story called The Text Signaler Concurrence. Boots Rangy, you're going to be playing the part of phone.

Adam, you will be me. Okay. Isfahan, you will be me. Okay. Isfahan, you will be woman. And Achilles Heeles, you will be daughter. There's also next customer. That's you. Am I next?

Yeah. So I am on the checkout chatting away to a woman and her daughter whilst putting their shopping through. Suddenly, the woman on the checkout chatting away to a woman and her daughter whilst putting their shopping through. Suddenly, the woman gets a text message on her mobile.

Bazinga! Bazinga! Oh my god! Why is somebody doing that? Why is somebody texting you Bazinga? Fuck you! Did your phone just say Bazinga? Oh, yes, I have a text.

Sorry about that. You're the first to recognize the word. Oh, we love the Big Bang Theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that underrated show that nobody watches yeah my dad has that as his text alert too fuck you both i have the theme is my ringtone so do my parents we all talk about the show for a few moments before parting ways. The next

customer comes up having overheard the last part of their chat. Of our chat, rather. And he says, being humorless, I'm glad they're gone. They were in my spurt.

Another fan? Oh, yes. End of story. Oh, there's no applause in that story. I told you there were believable stories in this. There should be some studio audience applause, I think, added to almost every ending of these I think the lack of applause makes this the most believable story

so far. Well, yeah, and the fact that basically just idiots who are shopping all love the Big Bang Theory. Yeah. Alright, so the next story is called Grand Theft Innocence, part of the sixth.

So, Achilles, you'll be playing the part of me. Adam, you will be woman. And Isfahan, you will be employee. All right? Okay. All right, here we go. So, I am 21 years old. I am a huge Pokemon fan

I noticed that my receipt for the new Pokemon game is wrong So I go to check what happened What happened? At the counter next to me is a middle-aged woman Buying Grand Theft Auto 5 for her Young son who is

No older than nine. The game is intended for 18-year-olds minimum. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Excuse me. The deposit for the new Pokemon is, oh, is five pounds, but I've been charged twice for it.

Oh, boy. Oh, sorry. Let me have a look. I hand him the receipt while the woman stares at me. You're a little old to be playing Pokemon, aren't you? Excuse me, I'm the woman. How dare you! You're a little old to be playing Pokemon, aren't you? Thank you, woman.

And your son's a little young to be playing Grand Theft Auto, isn't he? You're both dialed into the exact same accent. Terrific! That's completely different. Mm-hmm. That's completely different. Yeah, I'm getting a game intended for kids, and your kid is getting a game intended for adults. Well, he knows full well not to repeat anything they do in those games.

He is a smart boy. Who do you think you are to judge me anyway? And the sky at this point is on fire from all of the Z snaps that they're forming in front of each other. How dare you? Lady, as far as I'm concerned, if my game purchases are your business, then your game purchases are my business. Melody. Oh my god. Well, I just hope my boy is smart enough to know

when it is time to grow up. Yeah! Fuck you! Dump Navi went in a weird direction. Well, at Yeah, Fuck You, the employees and I burst out laughing as the mother throws the game onto the counter and drags her son out of the shop

with him screaming that he wants his fuck-fucking game. I also notice there's a lot of leaving of their own accord in here. Oh, yeah. Here at the GameStop, we hate rude people. After I deliver my monologue, they always leave. Well, now that I've been talked to for long enough, I don't have anything to say.

Yeah. There you go. Well, now that I've been talked to for long enough, I don't have anything to say. None of these. There you go. My speech was so good, it prevented the situation from escalating. Yeah, that's how fights work. All right, here we go. So we got another choice here. So Isfahan, you're going to have to tell me what you like

so option number one there was one with cunt in it I wanted to find the one with cunt control F cunt C asterisk asterisk asterisk yeah there it is yep exactly so Isfahan

option number one is a story entitled hey Mr., put my record on. And it contains the word cunt. All right. And option number two is Link, Nayu, and Sephiroth walk into a bar. And it contains the words fuck and bitch and fuck again. That's tough. Hopefully all Sephiroth. Ooh, curse words. Pick the

curse words. Okay, so that would be Link, New, and Sephiroth then. Alright, alright. So Link, Nayu, and... What's Nayu from? I don't know what Nayu is from. No clue. It's Evil Ryu.

Makes sense. Blood type O. I'd just like to point out, I just learned a thing about the English language. What's that? If you're speaking in a calm voice, fuck is spelled F asterisk asterisk asterisk.

I knew that. It's F dash dash dash. Oh. I knew that. It's F dash dash dash. Oh. I think that's when the fuck gets caught in your throat. Like, you fuck. You look. You're a fucking fuck.

All right. So, oh, Link is in the story. Well, that's even better. All right. Terrific. So, it's fine. You are going to be playing the part of Link. Achilles Elyse, you are me.

And Boots, you are going to be the customer. That should be good. Oh, Adam, you are Sephiroth. Okay. That's exciting for you. Okay. Okay. He's so dreamy.

Mm-hmm. Well, so, there's an anime convention near... Okay. He's so dreamy Well so There's an anime convention Near Okay this is the opening sentence There's an anime convention Near to where I work All the time

Never stops 24-7 anime Bunch of them come in While I'm on the front counter. Is this Coyote Ugly? A sultry pose. All of them are in costume.

Great costumes, guys. You had a good day? Link from Legend of Zelda is the first to speak up. Yeah, Link from Legend of Zelda. Thanks a bunch. He doesn't talk. Sorry. It's been amazing. Thanks. I spot one of their friends,

a disabled girl dressed as one of my favorite characters. I'm not going to explain who. I call out to her. Oh, wow. It's Nayu. You look adorable. I think you win for best costume of the day. Thanks for that. No one has guessed correctly all day, and she's been pretty upset about it.

I speak for her. I think you pretty much made her day. Mm-hmm. My pleasure. I turn to the girl. No one could guess your costume, sweetie. Guess they don't watch the cool shows, huh? Oh, God!

I mean, what I mean to say by that is, the girl smiles and begins to answer, but she's cut off by a random customer who's come storming over towards us. All right, enough of that. I'm here now. So you can stop catering to that disabled slur

and show me some respect. Holy shit! Slurs are disabled. You're a villain, but you don't even have any motivation for your villainy. Just a Saturday morning cartoon villain. I'm going to go Pollute this GameStop

Always a GameStop It is a GameStop in this case though Sir Please There's no need to be harsh to another customer If you do not tone it down a little I will have to ask you to leave. Are you kidding me?

Why the fuck should I turn it down? Are you kidding me? She shouldn't be here and you should start showing me more respect, bitch. That's right, no cripples in video game stores. Or I'll see what your manager has to say about this yeah what a weird bigotry that is i just hate cripples existing i was written in the story by james cameron I'm sorry, sir, but I was always taught that respect was earned, and you must always

respect others. Since you are unable to do this, do this to me, or this poor girl you have insulted, that I have no reason to show you any respect. Please leave. What the f- He cuts himself off as he suddenly any respect, please leave. What the f-

He cuts himself off as he suddenly finds himself surrounded by various different anime and game heroes all complete with replica weapons. Look out. That paper mache is sharp.

Oh my god! If he waves that lightsaber at you, it'll go... I believe the lady asked you to leave. So, scram. The guy all but runs out of the store. Link pulls an ocarina and plays a medley of various video game songs for me as a thank you. It makes my night! I mean, it doesn't

make my night as much as the orgy that we totally had afterwards. This is the only way I have to express my gratitude, good sir. Oh my god. Oh my god! Oh my God. Oh, my God.

Yeah. All right. I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop. I know that we have to stop. I'm coming down to the end of this document. But there's 29 tales of unbelievable fucking stupidity. Okay. Well, Adam Bozarth is really, really looking forward to number 27.

What role spoke to you? I don't. You know what? I'd even read the storyteller on this one. Well, in that case, Adam Bozarth, because it's a role that to me says Adam Bozarth. You're going to be Bat Cop.

Bat Cop. Bat Cop, yeah, exactly. Lemon, I think you should probably take Drunk Spidey. I think I should take Drunk Spidey. Let me get a little bit more. Okay. And Isfahan, you are going to be Cop. Spidey. Let me get a little bit more. Okay. And, uh,

Isfahan, you are going to be cop. Okay. Achilles Healy's employee. And then, uh, is there a second cop? Yes, yes, yes. At the URL notalwaysright.com slash the true justice league forward slash 25699.

Um, this is called the true justice league. A two five six nine nine um this is called the true justice league a cop comes in in uniform and out of breath batman sorry batman mask where can i find one uh we got this We've got a... What? This is a very important need that real police officers have. We've got a selection of... The cop grasps a mask, shoves a stack of money into the employee's hand, and runs out.

A whole stack of money? What the fuck just happened? I'm wondering the same thing. So I take off after the cop, only to find a second cop waiting for him. You'll find one? I put on the mask and say,

Yeah. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wasn't back up. I apologize. I apologize. You're drunk Spider-Man. Yeah, no, I'm drunk Spider-Man. I thought I was a bad cop. I apologize. Lemon, you're drunk Spider-Man. Yeah, no, I'm drunk Spider-Man. I thought I was Batcop. I'm gonna have

some more booze. I suspect Cop and Batcop are the same cop. Yeah, but, oh. Oh, he transforms. Yeah.

Needs a different voice. So he put on the mask and yeah, nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask. Sorry. Second cop, do you think it's going to work? It's worth a shot.

They walk around the corner, so I follow to find a drunk man clinging to a second story window dressed as Spider-Man. Drunk Spidey says, Y'all just fake cops! Gonna be the Joker some shit behind the badge! The role you were born to play. Spider-Man, come on down.

We have work to do. We do! The city is in danger. I need your help. Slowly, the drunk man climbs down until he's hanging from the bars of a window. One of the cops has found a stepladder and they manage to cajole him into climbing down. It looks like they're going to let him go until... Yo, Batman! Is there such a thing as, like, bat heroin? Because I used all my spider heroin.

End of story. How does the laughing music go? No, wait. That's the data game. All right. Oh, wait. That's the dating game. All right. Oh, God. I genuinely really don't want to stop. I really don't want to stop.

I love this document. Can we just do one more? Can we do one more? Is that all right with you? Is that all right with you, the listener? All right. Terrific. One more.

All right. So this story, which, again, notalwaysright.com provided, terrific. One more. All right. So this story, which again, notalwaysright.com provided by Cheapskate. These are all super duper true stories of retail. He keeps saying that

as if to imply that they're not. Why are you assuming that implication? The lemon doth protest too much, he thinks. Yeah, it's hitting my ear that way. I'm sorry.'s yeah that just it's hitting my ear

that way what is it i'm sorry i'm sorry that it's hitting your ear that way that's the way that you hear it i'm not gonna take uh i'm not gonna take ownership over you hearing it that way okay you know i'm just and nor should you that's on me it's on me about how true these stories are yeah whether or not you hear these as something else. That's on you, man. Oh, it is. It is. All right.

So this story is called The Cosplayer is Always Right. Most believable one yet, sounds like. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. All right. Our hero, the cosplayer. I'm sorry to tell you the cast of characters. The cast of characters is very exciting here.

Oh my goodness. So Boots, you are going to be me. Adam Bozarth, you are going to be young customer number one. Young customer number two. Then Achilles Helios, you are going to be Halo cosplayer. Yeah. Cosplaying as the Halo. I'll take the Pikachu cosplayer, but then

Achilles Helius... Cosplaying as the Beyonce song. Achilles Helius, you are going to have to be Batman cosplayer as well. Alright. We need to double up on this because Boots, you're also going to be the owner. Ooh. I'm the anime boss.

Pretty sure that covers it. Yeah, okay. So, our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. What? This story again. Yay! There's so many stories that happen to take

place next to an anime convention. I wonder why that is. I don't know. I strategically got a job near the anime convention. So, it's fairly common to have cosplayers among other customers at the time of the con.

The owner is okay with it as long as they don't annoy the other customers. So he's not okay with it As long as they don't annoy the other customers So he's not okay with it Did you want to know what I am? No, I'm Silver Age Wolverine You fucking asshole Get him

Silver Age Wolverine Silver Age Wolverine Well, it's a concept piece Right? Did that not make sense? And what happened then? Well on the F plus they say They say that Boots' beard grew 3 inches that day Yay

Wolverine was invented in like 1970 Oh boy Sorry Here we go How dare you On this day Oh, boy. Okay. Sorry. Here we go. How dare you? Okay. On this day, we seat 12 cosplayers, and later, I seat three young customers near them.

What is this? Why are those guys costumed? Are they our supermen? Oh There's a large Anime convention ongoing At the local school That's not a large anime convention then An extra large anime Or maybe it's a really

Big school No it's a convention for Only large size anime Okay It's rather common No, it's a convention for only large-size anime. Okay. It's rather common to see them at the times of the gathering. Once prophesied. Yeah, what a bunch of dorks. Total nerds.

I like some of those in quotes. Anyway, since there are no other free tables, and they didn't pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on the phone.

It's good to make a cosplayer. Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up! Oh, I'm sorry, sir. To Pikachu. Dude, not so loud. You're bothering people. What?

Oh, sorry to bother you guys! Start talking again, but much quieter! That was a Robotnik cosplay. Robotnik Pikachu. Yeah, that's right. Shut up, you virgin nerd. Oh, damn.

He's got some insider invites. Go back to the library, virgins. At this point, I warned the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. This is going to be an anime fight. Anime fight tonight.

Ten minutes of them powering up their chi balls. He immediately goes over to their table. Oh, wall seems to be the problem. It's not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us. We're not going to stay here and do nothing. What are you going to do then, instead? My staff told me the contrary, actually.

What? That bitch waitress is lying? What is happening at this point? What does the waitress is lying What is happening What does the waitress know Yeah Is she the ring Does she foresee your death Yep That's what it is

I won't allow you to insult My staff or customers Those cosplayers were extremely Polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, oh, it's you. In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up, tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table, and holds him still!

Assault? Ow! That fucking hurts! Who the fuck do you think you are, you motherfucker? I'm Vengeance. I am the Night. I am Vengeance. I am the night.

I am Batman. It says in a raspy tone, Achilles Heelies. Oh my god. It says in a raspy tone. You should do it like Fran Drescher. Every single time I think I can give him a lamer line, the author gives him. It's the same line. I felt like I gave it the tone it deserved, but, you know, alright. Okay, here we go.

I'm Vengeance. I am the Knight. I am Batman. Do you have cab fare? I just committed first-degree assault. The two other customers begin to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers get up and surround them. Showing that most of them are clearly larger than them. The mall security, because we're at a mall,

the mall security arrests the bad customers. We're arrested for being rude. This is the final customer solution. By the power invested in me, I declare you arrested. Listen, asshole. If you're going to be an ignorant white asshole, you're not allowed in this strip mall. Who do you think you are? This is our food court.

So the mall customers arrest the bad customers, and the cosplayers leave after apologizing for the trouble. However, it's not before we snap a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu, and MasterChef saved the restaurant.

That's weird that that's not the photo. The photo isn't available in the story. Gordon Ramsay saved this restaurant. I can't see the picture that he totally took with their phones. That's weird, huh? It's a good thing that those characters saved you from three teenage boys. They were going to set this place on fire with how rude they were. Yeah, they saved the restaurant in like the break-in-two sense of the word.

You can visit our other sites at Not Always Right, Not Always WorkingwaysWorking, NotAlwaysRomantic, NotAlwaysRelated, NotAlwaysLearning, NotAlwaysFriendly, and NotAlwaysHopeless. And NotAlwaysCosplay. Plus, what did we learn from any of this? I learned that in my time working in retail, never once in any of my difficult customer interactions did I ever receive a round of applause. Never once? Never once. I'm sorry. And I've handled some real kooky ducks, and never once did the whole store applaud me or lift me up, like at the end of Rudy, and carry me off the field.

Now, do you think that's your fault? Do you think you could have handled that better, that it would have resulted in a round of applause? Yeah, not to make this into the quarterly review, but yeah, I think that's something I can work on is trying to garner more rounds of applause from literally everybody else in the store. I think more laugh lines. How do you get to that point, is my question.

I think my laugh lines are strong. I have a solution for Adam. You need a slow clap plant. Oh, that's nice. That's where I can work together with other... Yeah, I like that. Get one person to stand there and as soon as you

give some speech to an angry customer and make them walk out, just have one person start the... You make a good point. There's been no slow claps. I think that's just a conversation you. There's been no slow claps. And I think that that's just a conversation you would have with a co-worker. Like, I'll be your

slow clap, you be my slow clap. Yeah. But you also need to work at the GameStop next to the anime convention. Then that's where all sorts of drama happens. That way you're constantly assured a steady stream of nerd backup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a lot of that going on. There's a lot of nerd backups, too. There's a lot of 6'3". I know. For real, a lot of these stories from working in retail, a lot of these stories sound like transcripts

of when people would tell you about bad customer interactions they had. If there's any element of fact in this, it's that either you worked at a thing and you fantasized later on about how you wanted it to

play out. Like somebody was a dick to you, and then later on you'd be like, oh man, wouldn't it have been cool if there was an anime convention? Because anime people get me. If Pikachu saved me. Yeah. Yeah.

So I think that these stories got their start as germs of reality that then blossomed into wishy-wood fantasy kind of thing. Yeah. It might as well be called what how was your day honey.com there's there's actually uh there's there's one specific point that i empathize with um which is that uh there was a situation that i had a couple of years ago where i uh i had a kid that worked underneath me and he was he was very flamboyantly gay. He had a distinct lisp. He was immediately readable as

gay. And I was working in a thing where there was children involved. And so at one point, Perrin is like, oh, this gay person, children, and then I made a statement that like

like i felt at the time like vindicted by my statement like it felt nice like i i felt like like i did the right thing in that particular circumstance um and then i would tell that story to other people and nobody liked my story at all at At which point, like I told it, like the third time I told it, it got way more dramatic because I knew that the first two times I told it, like nobody liked it. And so it was like, oh yes, well, I said this

and then she cried and she left the room. The story didn't screen well, so you went to rewrites? Yeah, I I mean I genuinely did like I don't I don't know if that's a bad thing on my part but I do do that I do do that with anecdotes where I don't actually know

with an anecdote that I've told for five years how much of it is true anymore sure that's not unique you know what I got a handful of those too Sure. That's not unique. You know what? I got a handful of those too. I'm glad that you can relate. It's like you're providing your own oral tradition.

And if you're a habitual liar, you should go to Ball. If you need attention for things that didn't happen, Please post all about them That's blp.it We've recently As of this recording

Sold out of t-shirts But we've still got stickers, donations And there's other fun things to do Maybe sometime soon there'll be an F Plus Live I think some of these people might show up for it So thanks a lot, bye bye Bye bye I think some of these people might show up for it. So thanks a lot. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye No, no, no, you can't discuss. You can't discuss. No, you can't discuss. Tell me lies, tell me sweet lies. Just think about that. Every time you're about to speak, war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength. Think about it.

Think about it. George Orwell. Well, I certainly am humbled and have received my comeuppance in this interaction. That's weird that he wrote George Orwell in the middle of that. That's a hashtag.

Call out to himself.