The F Plus - 217: Steal This Episode

Episode Date: June 25, 2016

The internet is frequently a place where people brag about their talents in a particular skill, and if that skill is stealing things from stores, well that's just fine. We're looking at the people who steal, proudly, and they have things to say. Some of those things are coherant. This week, The F Plus gets some bonus tips on how to be a Sugar Baby.

You guys like stealing? How about stealing another man's girl? Do you like that? You like that, huh? One, two! This is the F Plus Podcast, a free place for terrible things read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. Fuck the streets and fuck the homeless. They can steal their own damn socks. Bunny bread.

I stole a bunch of condoms once because I had like no money but lots of pussy. Stog? LOL at this dumb hippie Robin Hood. Oh my god, Squiddy's back! I stole the Guided by Voices album B-1000. And Lemon. Be arm candy as fuck because it sounds stupid because it is, but part of being platonic is just doing a lot of extra shit just because.

Hey, F-Lust. Hey! Hello. How's everybody doing tonight? Fucking spectacular. I'm full of pizza. He's full of pizza. Squiddy, it's so good to have you back in a recording.

It's been a long time. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. And what have you been up to in the two years since your last recording? He said because he clearly didn't know. I've made a lot of mom friends. Mom friends? Mom friends, yes.

That sounds a little boring. Oh, no, it's not boring. No, it's, of course. I don't know why I assumed that. That's my mistake. Well, I want to introduce all of us to a community and a document provided to us by Kanye Sutra. Cool. Nice. I like the name. Go on. That is a first submission of

reading from Kanye Sutra. And this is about the world of boosting. Now, boosting in this case, I mean to say... Being lifted up over offense. No. No. It's how you get better chivos by corroborating with others. Also a great effects. No. No. That's how you get better chivos, by corroborating with others.

Also a great guess. No. Boosting in this case means that we're talking about shoplifting. Yay! This is a community of people who are on the internet who are sharing stories about their own shoplifting experiences, their own shoplifting bragging, and their own shoplifting tactics. I think there might be

tips. So at the end of this, hopefully we'll all be better-rounded individuals with a special skill. Boots, I want to start off with you here. I have a couple questions about boosting, if I could. Okay.

So what is boosting? Oh, we're doing the Boosting 101. Yes, we are doing Boosting 101. Everybody open up your notebooks, write this down. What is boosting? Selling items stolen from retail stores. Be aware,

this is a felony-level crime and could land you in prison. If you are uncomfortable with that, you might want to consider another way of making money. However, it is extremely hard to prove that items are stolen, and as long as you keep your business professional and legitimate-looking,

no one will ask questions and you will be fine. What do you do with the money? Well, boosting is basically like selling drugs. Oh, okay. Transfer the money to your bank account. Yeah, they said so. It's really not. No, they've dedicated a whole sentence to that.

Oh, okay. Because stealing from drug dealers is always a good idea. You would think that selling drugs would come after shoplifting. I mean, it's like a gateway thing. Oh. Hey, kids, you want some stolen dishes? Yeah, that's how it's like that.

Transfer the money to your bank account. Take out cash as soon as you can. If you live at home, perhaps get a locking cash box to keep under your bed to hide. Yeah, no question to the answer about that. If you're old enough and or able to, I would recommend getting a bank account

not connected to your parents in any way. I have two bank accounts, and one is exclusively for boosting. Hmm. Um, okay. Okay. Only connect this bank account to your PayPal and Poshmark for deposits. It's basically just a way to funnel your money. Oh, this is interesting.

Then spend it as you please. So I know that you have some sort of insider information on this. Squiddy, what is Poshmark? Poshmark is kind of like eBay, except it's more of a social media... they like to think of it as a game, almost.

Where to... when you sell something, you also have to like other people and their closets. Is this where you find your mom friends? Yes. Me and my mom friends talk about Poshmark all the time. Oh. Yes.

No, I've sold things on Poshmark, and it's a huge pain in the ass. Okay. Yes. So what endorsement? Yeah, but have you sold stolen things on it? I am not going to answer

that, obviously. Great. So it's eBay with the included social neediness that comes with it. Thanks. Yeah, because there's no neediness on eBay. Bunny Brett, I have a couple of questions for you.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. My name's Anonymous, and I started getting interested in the lifting community after my friend told me about some of the stuff she's shoplifting. I searched it, and BAM! I just want to say thank you for all the tips and advice. I've been able to

stock up on my makeup collection and have found a form of retail therapy that won't depress me once the money and advice. I've been able to stock up on my makeup collection and have found a form of retail therapy that won't depress me once the money's gone. That's right! There's no end to this rollercoaster. We see it all the way down. Too broke to afford the things I like,

lifting has helped. Have a good day. Here's to many more years of successful thefts. So, that was my question. Yeah, interesting question hi well I live like there's no long play thank you I'm so glad heart heart

I learned so much from this community too and I'm seriously so humbled by the amount of positive feedback and love that I've gotten in like only eight fucking months of being out here or something it's crazy and you guys are seriously great heart love that I've gotten in like only eight fucking months of being out here or something. It's crazy and you guys are seriously great. Heart! Heart!

Jesus Christ. I have another question for you. Oh good, please ask this question. Just lifted a comforter set from Walmart. I returned something take TK, customer service and while I had it in my cart, I walked out acting like I paid for it. So, shoplifting. Yeah. Do you think

they'll come after me if they have my return info? No one stopped me or looked at me. Oh, good lord. I'm anonymous. Laughing my anus off. I love the crazy shit you guys say. Crazy comforter set.

You're silly. You guys crazy shit you guys take. Crazy comforter set. You're silly. You guys. And you're sleeping. And once you're out the store, you're good. That's it. I'm a lawyer. If they saw you, and if they even cared, they might put a picture in the back room. But if they'll What? But if they do

that, it'll be a shitty, grainy screenshot, and no one will probably notice anyway. Yeah, that's what they... Yeah, that's really what they want. They want a shitty,

grainy screenshot of your face. Yeah. They're just horny. They just... You're too pretty. Hey, let me know if that guy who looks

like a blur of pixels walks into the store. He's a shoplifter. Oh, yeah, blurry face. I know him. Just one more question Let me know if that guy who looks like a blur of pixels walks into the store. He's a shoplifter. Oh, yeah, blurry face. I know him. Just one more question for you. By the way, LP is going to show up a lot in this episode.

LP stands for loss prevention. Oh. So one more question for you. Can you share your history of lifting? When did you start? What was your first store? How long before you tried Ulta? That's a store.

We know that. We wear makeup. God dang, what do we know? Is that like the awesome store to steal from? Well, it's all... No, it's like medium. It's like lower tier Sephora. I'll just be the girl in this episode.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, fuck. Shotgun! I mean, I was really going to ask Stog for makeup tips, but... I'm not saying you should ask me for makeup tips because that's not going anywhere. Look, all I'm going to suggest is that you just use the

store supplies to camouflage yourself within the store. That's it. Pretty much. Like digital camo or back in the 80s camo? Alright, so how long before you tried Alta? What did it feel like? Did it start as a bad habit? A survival? Money grab?

How did you find out you could make so much money off makeup? Do you still get the same kind of high when you started, or has that gone away? Who is your partner? That's the FBI. The Lord. And when did you realize you can trust him? Do you have any lifting goals?

All right. Hey, I'm lift like there's no longer penises. Let's see. I lifted lip products and nail polish here and there from Target when I was like 17 or 18. And then when I was about 20, my friend and I started lifting Pokemon cards. Because that's 20 year old kind of shit. We actually started by buying the packs and careful, careful tear tearing them up. And so we could reseal and return them with shitty cards and sides.

We took dumps on the cards. It was really dumb and not worth the effort. So we just started taking a few packs here and there. Then in like July, we started going harder. Yeah. I tried Ulta at the end of July and only got like a naked palette and maybe a Maybelline primer.

That was when I wanted to try boosting. So I got the naked palette to post on Poshmark. Never heard of it. I never really got a tie from it, honestly. I just like getting furry stuff. You don't freebase concealer? Yeah. I tried it, but I mean, I'd much rather snort Pokemon. And honestly, a lot of the stuff I steal I would buy anyways.

But I mean, I'd much rather snort Pokemon. And honestly, a lot of the stuff I steal, I would buy anyways. Obviously not in such large quantities, but I'd be buying the same kind of shit like makeup and snacks and manja. And then I started making money off of it. And I was like, fuck yes! And I finance anime cons and vacations with boosting money now. It's so fucking great. As for my lift partner, call me Atlas.

We know each other. Atlas is great for lifting. Truly. Sometimes he shrugs, but you know. Anyways, we've known each other since middle school, so it wasn't that hard to trust him or anything. We learned to lift together. So there was never any difference in our knowledge or abilities.

I'm like a level four black belt in stealing Maybelline. So it wasn't frustrating because we didn't have to teach each other. And I don't know, we're just on the same page about stuff. When you can steal this eyeliner from my hand, you are ready. And we know what we're doing and how to cover each other now, so it's awesome. I don't really have any lifting goals other than getting a Mortal Kombat purse one day. Michael Kors purse. Every lifter.

Don't fuck with that. No, let me say the right word for once. It just says MK purse. It could be Michael Kors. It could be Mortal Kombat. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't know. He does like MAGA. I will step back. I'm sorry. He does like MAGA.

I will step back. I'm sorry. But I think every lifter wants that. Ha ha! Mike Jones, I've pretty much met my other goals. I mean, I stole four iPads. Ha ha! Fuck you, Apple. So that was all Lift Like There's No loss prevention um her uh blog

has been scrubbed off of tumblr uh the only document survives um but now we're gonna meet call me atlas uh the partner in crime uh previously alluded to also scrubbed off of Tumblr. Yay! Um, so, um, um, Stog, will you tell me about your decent haul today? Yeah. Call me Atlas, by the way. I read a lot of Ayn Rand. I think she's got some

good ideas. You're the only one. I had a decent haul today. I went to Kohl's and I stole two Nintendo DS for $400. Ooh, not bad.

Yeah. I also went to Walmart and stole a 64 gigabyte Apple TV that's valued at $200. Wow. Okay. That's a lot of money. I mean, yeah.

I also went to Barnes & Noble and stole a Lomo Instant $120 gift for Lick Like There's No Let's Play. Do we know what Lomo Instant is? I have no idea. I thought you would. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I also went to Ulta and I stole some goat milk hand cream for $7.

I know what that is. some goat milk hand cream for seven bucks. I know what that is. Oh, Lomo Instant. It's one of those classic Instagram camera things. Oh, yeah. Because that's the thing. It's that, like, it's 2016. How the fuck do I take pictures of things?

I don't understand. I like to make all the things I shoplifted look like they came from the 1880s. Like the steam pump shoplifted look like they came from the 1880s. Like the steampunk shoplifter. Yeah. I think that would make you pretty obvious when you walked in the store. But I would have so many skirts.

I'd have all these skirts to put things into. Oh, yeah, you are. Everything I steal, I replace with a cog. You would have a lot of pockets to put things in. Yeah. I need everything in brass. This one's mine, Batman. I put a cog. You would have a lot of pockets to put things in. I need everything in brass. This one's mine, Batman. I put a cog on it. What? You know, Batman.

When he used to be a steampunk. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, you're right. You're right. I forgot about that. Anyway, my total haul was $727. So there are, it might surprise you to know, a number of different tumblers where people talk about their shoplifting experiences.

All of them run by Squiddy. I think that you're going to give this one to me, right? You mean sugar lifting? If you don't give me the sugar lifting, it's going to be... Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, I'm going to give you the sugar lifting. So, yeah, sugar lifting. Why don't you just tell me about

whatever you want to talk about. Well, shoplifting is illegal, but role play is not. Oh, no. Not the way I roll. Oh, no. Makeup may absolutely be considered a lifting necessity

because many employers expect female employees to wear makeup as part of the de facto dress code. And we live in a society where looks correlate to advancement opportunities. But you have a job. I know, I'm not.

You wear clothes at your job, is it? Maybe I'm not so good at being a sugar lifter. It's like, yeah, I have a job, but that's for the anime conventions. Duh. Okay, halls. So I keep seeing people with $100 plus halls being like, it's not as much as some lifters.

And people with less than $100 halls thinking their lifting halls are too small. No, babies. No, no, no. No babies. Don't lift babies anymore. Okay, I just nodded when I laughed. I steal babies. No babies.

No babies allowed here. This is lifter territory. The people that pull off $1,000 halls have been doing this a long time and have perfected their technique. I love seeing your $15 hauls. Please, be safe and smart. This isn't

a competition. Be safe and smart and shoplift things and post about it on the internet. Yes. So, I will say here that lift like there's no LP and Atlas fucked or whatever his name was.

Call me Atlas. And the little sugar blog Tumblr. All of those Tumblrs have been removed. However, the person that you just read there, Squiddy, has a different Tumblr that hasn't been removed. And this is a Tumblr all about how to be in a sugar baby relationship. This is what I've been waiting for right here.

My favorite is the left turns. A very quick aside. Her most recent blog post is titled, Sugar Daddies Can Buy Airline Tickets Without Your Name. Oh, God. Anyway. Oh, my God. That's horrifying. Mr. Oh, my God. That's horrifying.

Mr. Johnson and Fuckhole. So, Squiddy, if you will run through how to be a better sugar baby and yeah, hopefully we'll educate some people. Okay. This is 25 things that will make you a better sugar.

They're all bullet points. Choose your battles. There are things you won't be able to convince him of. We'll just get that right out of the way. Fair enough. Flubber isn't real! Research sex.

Watch porn. Experiment. Know your limits. Know what you're willing to try. Wait, you're saying sex is going to come up at some point? I hope not. Oh, God. Expand your mind. Listen to podcasts in your car.

This episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me is really expanding my consciousness. Learn a second language like French, Italian, or Chinese. Yeah, the dirty talk in Mandarin is really hard. And research a few key topics that interest you so you will always have something to talk about. Like what? I don't know. Don't ask me.

Okay. Do we have to have a conversation in Chinese? Yeah, I hope so, because I can't talk about anything else, except how fucking hard it was to learn Chinese, okay? Practice good penmanship always.

No explanation needed. Yep, you know, for all the letters that you write nowadays. Anyway. Squiddy, what if I'm a smoker? Keep gum and perfume on you at all times. Buy a decent lighter, one that you have to refill with lighter fluid. Never

light your own cigarettes. Pull your lighter out, put your cigarette in your mouth, and look at him. I've spected that. Oh, God. So I set your mouth, and look at him. I've spected that. Oh, God. So I set your face on fire now? Ugh. Ugh. Can you light my cigarette? How about now?

I am learning so much from this, by the way, you guys. Can I get a tip that is like not the next tip, but the tip after this one? Because I like even numbers. Okay, look in the mirror. Look in the mirror every morning and identify one thing that you love about yourself

and your appearance throughout the day. Remind yourself of this thing. Nice tits, me. When he shoves the dick in my mouth, I get money. Should I travel at all as a sugar baby? Oh, I'm sorry. Travel whenever you can, even if it's only to cities adjacent to yours.

Woo-hoo! Let's go to St. Paul! Oh, yes! Oh, can we? We had good donuts from St. Paul today. So you have been. Okay. Well, we summer there.

Let's talk about that now. I have a very interesting donut story Oh I don't know if it's interesting You did say donut story What sort of sentence structure Really makes men aroused Like what kind of sentence structure would you recommend I understand that

Blank is that right People want to feel They're being heard first and foremost. For example, I understand you're upset that I can't be available on short notice. Is that right? You know, the funny thing about this whole thing, I'm trying to channel Courtney Stodden, but I'm feeling too smart for that. My character is not down to that level.

Well, let me get you some Bacardi Breezers. A few whippets wouldn't hurt. Yeah, a few whippets wouldn't hurt. I mean, they would, actually. Okay. Should we read more? Oh, maybe. Let me see here.

Oh, yes. Read more. The Life of Oh, The Awakening. Oh, my God. That is a very depressing book, by the way. The Handmaid's Tale, also depressing. What the fuck? Followed by a much, much more depressing book. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,

which I don't know is actually a book. The Optimist's Daughter, Lolita. Read it. Lolita! Lolita! Lolita! That's, okay. Gonna be a little for my baby daddy. Gross. Yep.

Lolita the musical was not a hit. So, yeah, so Sugar, what is your name? Sugar Sweet? Sugar Sweet Rose. Sugar Sweet Rose, and Rose has an H in Sweet? Sugar Sweet Rose. And Rose has an H in it. Sugar Sweet Rose. Sugar Sweet Rose. Rose.

So you're giving this advice because you are a successful sugar baby. Can you tell me a little bit about your success, please? You have to make him fall in love with you. Period. That's honestly what keeps him coming back. What I do every time I encounter a P.O.T.,

which I don't know what that is. Person of interest. It stands for weed. Marijuana. Yeah, it's weed. Every time I encounter a pot is figure out what kind of girls he likes backslash the kind of girls he wants.

If I can't figure out, I straight up ask, what's your fantasy? Then I become it. Wow, you actually might be Courtney Stodden now. What's your fantasy? P.O.T. is short for potential. It's the potential sugar daddy.

Okay. I'm not sure why it's all caps. No, no. Number two, always look good. Tell yourself you're never at a 10. There's always something to make yourself look better. Amp your makeup game. Go to the gym more.

Get those extensions. Whatever you need to do. Kill yourself over this. This is a good idea. And then steal things, apparently. Number three, have a style icon. Mine is Courtney Stodden. Someone you mirror your outfits, hair, and makeup after.

Mine is Kim K and an assortment of girls on Instagram. Yeah, good role model. Oh, yeah. Twist ending there. I have dreams and aspirations. No, no, no. These can be all fake, honestly. Oh, okay. these can be all fake honestly tell them you want to open a boutique own a lingerie line i pronounced that wrong

a lingerie line yeah lingerie line lingerie line yeah Lingery line, yeah Go to medical school Whatever Bring it up sometimes, but not a lot It just helps shape the image That you are a full package Beautiful, smart, and driven Tell them you've traveled Lie about the places you've been to

Too Guys like to fucking stay around Interesting girls Well, you're half right Convince yourself you're not dead inside too. Guys like to fucking stay around interesting girls. Well, you're half right. Convince yourself you're not dead inside. Now really convince yourself. This is like,

live like a stripper, except for the whole going to the strip club part. Also, don't just fuck him on your dates. And don't always just get together to fuck. I don't think you understand men. I think I do. Suggest other things.

Look up cool places to eat and bars in your area. He has to see that other men... Look up bars in your area. Yes, because I am not familiar with bars in my area, I assure you. Excuse me, good sir, where are the bars? He has to see that other men crave you, and in order

for that to happen, you guys have to go out. Uh-huh. Google, where are the bars at? I imagine you get a whole lot of second dates, don't you? Okay, Google. Did you want the slut tour? Cancel sometimes when he really wants it,

but follow up with a cute snap of you in Linjury. Don't always be available. My personal thing is that I never answer those I want to see you tonight texts ever. I need 48 hours notice. To deaden everything inside me. To cut myself where he can't see it.

Takes a lot of benzos. Number seven, watch porn. Up your sex game. Try something new with him. Okay, Google. Porn. Oh, God. Google, Google. Porn. Oh, God.

Google, hang on. Stop. Google, cease porn. Oh, no. Alright. I think that was a fun aside. Wait a second. Number nine. Remember, you're a businesswoman. You. No, you're not.

You are your product. Okay. You are your product. Okay, that, yeah. You are your product, that's correct, but that actually invalidates your first sentence. Oops. Oops. Alright, well that

was sort of morally dubious and we at the F Plus like to avoid morally dubious material. And that's why we're going to Reddit.com! Yay! It's about fucking time.

It's only been probably since the last episode you listened to. Alright, so here we go. We are on Reddit.com slash r slash shoplifting. Bunnybread, you have a great name which is triscuits cop wait triscuits triscuits up triscuits up explain like i'm five how to shoplift please so uh my name is fitz backer and i said i've been a pretty casual shoplifter my whole life. I only go for untagged stuff, but I've never gotten caught.

The people I've talked to about lifting act like they haven't ever thought about it before. I guess I should appreciate it. It leaves more stuff for us. Do you have anything to say about that? I bet one factor is that stealing equals bad. No. It's a concept learned at a young age. What very young kid doesn't try to take things from a store and then is taught or disciplined?

Hmm? Who among us cast the first Maybelline thing? And as long as the system works for that person, I doubt it would be questioned. Another factor mentioned already is the risk-reward comparison. To get low risk, you have to steal grapes and candy bars. Those are the only things. I have to? You have to?

That's how I... By federal law. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. If I embezzle a million dollars from the company that I work at, and then I steal grapes... I always steal grapes. Who doesn't steal grapes? Congratulations! Everything that you do is low risk. I take candy bar bushels.

Let's share a needle. I steal the candy bars. What about me? No, that's just wrong. That's sick. You're fucking... Look at your feet. Alright, here we go. wrong. That's sick. You're fucking, look at your feet. Alright, here we go. But the average person can simply pay a couple of bucks

and thus have zero risk. More expensive items are obviously less affordable to an average person, but the punishments are worse. If not exponentially worse when caught. So stealing more expensive things is more

problematic. Ah, you have been listening. See, not too many people grasp this. I've taught many courses. Perhaps taking such bets with one's life is worth the reward if the life isn't that great. Or if you, quote unquote, have to do what you have to do. The you here is, yes, okay. But my guess is the average person has never been in that situation.

Thus, it's not really considered. Thanks a lot, John Keane. You're welcome! So is that like saying that, is the you like poor person? I think, I don't know, he's having like a, who was the guy, was it Wittgenstein that was talking about the true self? I'm sure that came up with this guy. Shut up.

Shut up. I'm Mojo Man DC. Oh, man. Which probably stands for Detective Comics. Honeybred, you are a good sugar baby. You've been reading, haven't you? Wittgenstein, you... No, you shut up. You shut up, too. I'm Mojo Man DC. All right, Mojo Man No, you shut up. You shut up, too.

I'm Mojo Man DC. All right, Mojo Man Detective Comics. Shut up. I tell the haters, don't judge me, and I won't judge you. If I screw up, I've paid enough in taxes for the state or feds to rent me a 10 by 10 room with three squares a day. Okay. That's all the squares are needed. I'm six years old.

I've paid my dues. Give me a jail cell. I keep trying to put them in the triangle spot. You won't lose sleep over it. Then why pester us now? Then so why pester... That still doesn't make any sense. Yes!

What most of... What most of? I was like, there's no way I'm reading the same line when I go from the right to the left. Read the text. What most of? I was like, there's no way I'm reading the same line. What most of do about nothing? Read the text. What most of? What most of do is nothing compared to what corporate America does to get to where they are now. Yeah, good boy.

Good job, Bernie Sanders. Athletes cheat all the time, and by doing so, take earned prizes away from those who deserve it, which means endorsements, roster spots, contracts, which all mean money. Money! Not as blatant as stealing diapers, but in my opinion, the athletes stole all for the sake of money. Let's not kid ourselves. We all love money. I love diapers.

The athletes stole all for the sake of money. They stole all for the sake of money. They stole all for the sake of money. I'm cheating. Alright, alright, alright. Some steal because they don't want to spend it. Some do since they don't have it. Some do to make it. Some steal a bunch of shit from Target and then equivocate on Reddit.

I'm getting all those tattooed on my back. Hey, everybody. Who's that? I'm BTT HRT Lil Tumblerina. That means Butt Hurt Lil Tumblerina. You get it? No.

You get it? I shoplifted all the emails. I refuse to get it. I won't get it. Oh, well, then fuck you, SJW. Anyway, fuck the morals. People are taught that certain things are right. Morals and quotes and right and quotes.

That's why I said morals, you SJW. Yes, I'm guilty of assault. People are taught that certain things are right and certain things are wrong. Then they call those things morals. That's good to find. Good job. You did okay there.

We're proud of you. That would be 100% true. There's so many quotation mark things coming up. I'm so excited. Have you guys read Fight Club? I don't want to talk to you anymore. The first rule of Fight Club is for you to shut up. Okay, I just wanted to score drugs, but fuck this.

All right, keep reading, please. It's only wrong if it's illegal, right? No quotation marks. Okay. I mean, there's a whole population of the Middle East who have seen their family slaughtered, but it's right because of justifications. No, it isn't. That's what

the UN says. I'm getting political. You're a moron. Tomato, tomato. I'm a pundit innocent people are bummed to hell but it isn't

wrong because reasons I throw quarks around fucking anything there's no word left oh my god There is no word left. Oh my god. But if I take milk home to my wife and kids without paying for it, I'm robbed.

Just so you know this butthurt little tumblerina, you just equivocated shoplifting with war crimes. Yeah, but war crimes are justified. Oh, sure, if you're good at logic. Oh, God. Alright. So, the Reddit shoplifting, actually, all of Reddit shoplifting...

Actually, all of these shoplifting communities have a whole bunch of haul threads that are not appropriate to the podcast, but a lot of stuff where people brag about all the stuff that they stole. But we're going to be looking at one specific haul thread from January 13th of this year called, What Did You Lift Last Week? So deleted starts off by saying that deleted stole a pocket knife and two pregnancy tests.

All of these are not related. Shut up. So she's got a fun night in front of her. The pocket knife's for the baby. But Squiddy you are Conchita Conchita the Peter two bottles of face cream

$25 each and a large hand cream $9 you know typical shit that costs pennies to produce that I am not paying for and $15 of chicken because the flyer lied and said it was on sale, but there is no product left.

Thanks for wasting my time with your lying-ass flyer. Thanks for the free chicken! Wait. What? Wait, but is this quantum? You said the chicken wasn't there because the flyer lied. Yeah. Thanks for the free chicken, motherfucker. Because there wasn't

chicken, so therefore you stole the chicken? I don't know. I got some fucking chicken and I'm making tacos. Yeah. Yeah. I'm soft hour. Oh, you misspelled software. Where'd it go?

Be soft aware. Soft aware. Not against stealing at all. You realize that, like medicine, for example, face cream's cost is partly due to the research slash science behind it, not the raw material slash production, right? All right. I'm long penis's worst nightmare. Yes, you are.

That is a nightmare I keep having. Oh, you mean like research has done on animals? If that's the case, I will wipe out your whole fucking inventory and sell it for triple the price. Lord, give me some more Steinbeck. Thereby inflating the demand for the product, thereby causing more animal testing. Don't you math at me. Okay, sorry, I won't do that ever again. Animal testing.

Don't you math at me! Okay, sorry, I won't do that ever again. You probably believe in cancer research, finding a cure for AIDS, and those Christianity ducktales. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, I don't know why we have to bring ducktales into this shit. You believe in cancer research? I guess... Man, I'm a brainwash-y too, I guess. Man, I'm a brainwashy too, I guess.

I smash publicly traded companies with 200 plus stores and return $300 watches when I find them in the men's change room. Give a fuck about no damn research for a $25 bottle of chemicals that is stealing money from my kid's stomach. For a product they have a monopoly on. That's real theft. Now research that. Your children don't need to eat the Maybelline. Shut up! My children eat the Maybelline. Shut up! My children eat hand cream. Okay.

I mean, have you thought about mayonnaise? Have you considered it? No. Is it white? No. Yeah. Oh, well, okay. Oh, Mom made us tuna hand cream sandwiches again.

If you see the rich faggot I ripped off, tell him the reason he couldn't put a 24th screen on his yacht. Yeah, I'm not a Christian. What? What? And I don't know why I had to get all not nice in there.

But yeah, I know scientific research happens to improve products. I believe because I have a background in engineering and have many friends who did science chem degrees and work in the field. Someday you'll grow up and realize not everything is a sham. I don't have time

to argue with you about the garbage they put there. You're a noob if you think they care about improving your skin. They sound... Then why are you stealing it? To improve my skin. Get good at skincare, noob. They sell everything laced with poison to dry out your skin and strip it of its natural sebaceous oils. Why are you stealing it then?

It's because she's trying to slowly kill her husband. Oh. Yes. I think he's got other problems, frankly. Dove is one of the worst. So they can sell you overpriced moisturizers full of harmful chemicals. You're a university graduate, brainwashed,

repeater, regurgitator with no critical thought capability, no understanding of how anything works, but specialize in working in small enclosed spaces and, oh shit, specialize in working in small enclosed squares and being one? Don't talk to me. Squares coming up again.

Mic drop. Well, okay. Conchita DePita, like, I mean, I'm sorry about that derision earlier on, because the more you talk, the more sense you made. Yes, thank you. I mean, I feel like I want to learn just a little bit more. Do you have any other theories that you want to share on Reddit?

Oh, my God. Yes. Thank you for asking. What other theories do you want to share? I never thought anyone would ask me that. Okay. Shoplifting is a poverty brainwash. I think this board is run by the

CIA. Excellent! You lean back in my chair! CIA. Thank you. Mic drop again. Oh, the CIA's behind everything. Look at the right side of this board. The odds are waived in favor of any lifter who understands the law.

They boost your ego. That's like saying the odds are waived in favor of any drug dealer that knows how to avoid prosecution. Say what? That is impossible. No drug dealer is case proof. You got rats, snitches, undercovers, all types of unseen things await you. When you lift, every step is a potential trap. You get picked up on that camera.

You missed or get spotted by an undercover. Equals it's over. Lifting is... Yes? It's over. It's over. It's over. Lifting is like selling drugs.

You're wasted. It went from being a gateway to being a simile. Lifting is like selling drugs. You can do it right 10,000 times, but it only takes one mistake and you're bogus. It's only a matter of time. If you've got the balls to lift, get the balls to see things the way they really are,

the odds are not stacked in your favor. I don't see them as my balls. They super are. What? They really, really are stacked in your favor. I don't see it with my balls. They super are. They really, really are stacked in your favor. Here's how I know. All of you people are stealing things from stores and not getting arrested, and you're morons. So the odds are clearly

stacked in your favor. Shop lift some eyeballs, put them in your head. No, in your balls. Yeah, this sort of strikes me back to when I worked lift some eyeballs, put them in your head. No, in your balls. Yeah. This sort of strikes me back to when I worked in retail. The people that we caught

were so fucking stupid. Mm-hmm. The shit got stolen all the time and those people were probably dumb. But the ones we caught, oh God, they were dumb. Yeah. Well, because

the more your shop lives, the more easy it is to be brazen with it. Yeah. I want to tell you a story. Guys, can I tell you a story? Please, please. This is a sharing circle. Excellent. Can I have the talking stick, please?

Yeah, go ahead. Welcome to our talking cabal. Fucking talking stick. I don't work in a call center anymore. I'm not supposed to put up with this shit. I'm going to steal your talking stick. My name is Case Moz. Okay, so black employees followed me around the store. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I shop at the Ross in the black part of town. God damn it. Oh, great start. I want to settle in for this one. Okay, good. Like, here's the thing, Bunny Brad.

Bunny Brad, here's the thing you have to know about me. Uh-huh. Are you white by chance? I'm white, okay? I'm white, obviously. I mean, not obviously. Okay. But I'm white, but I'm not racist.

Oh, no. No white person has ever been. Of course not. I'm not racist. Let me prove that by my next sentence. I guess they wanted to play opposite day and follow me around while making it super obvious. Yes. That's what black people do.

Not sure what the intention was. Black people play opposite, Dave. But a loss prevention kid came next to me and started touching the curtain rods while I was looking at them for a while. Then the lady at the fitting room leaned over into the aisle

to check on me, I guess? As if the cameras and multiple other employees who had a clear view from across the store weren't enough. Any idea what went on here? You were white and obvious. White, stupid, and obvious.

That was a great trio. Eminem's first album. I was white, though. Chocolate and curtain rods, for some reason. Right. Yeah. But black people aren't allowed Chocolate and curtain rods, for some reason. Right. Yeah. But black people aren't allowed to know that. That upsets the social order.

At the White Ross in the good part of town. Oh, dear. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. Someone's from Rockford, Illinois, here. Had a loss prevention walk by me and ask if I was doing all right or something. I've had the same thing happen at a 7-Eleven a few years back. Japanese lady came over to the pastry aisle and pretended to adjust items next to me.

Not that I don't lift. I've been there plenty of times and don't lift from Ross. Ever. I'm not stealing curtain rods. These are my leg braces. Stop being so ableist. And, uh, Stog, does, uh, Slot Slot Vinca have anything to

add to this? Oh. Okay. Oh, I'm a thinking philian? Oh. Okay. Oh, this is... Why do you feel bad about humanity all of a sudden? Hello. Hello. My name is Slot Vinca, and I'm not a horrible person.

No, I bet you're not. You're on Reddit. Ain't blacks more obedient? I need a shot of bourbon for this. I'll be right back. So, Squinty, I want to get one more reading from Conchita De Pita. Okay. Can we do that, please?

Because I think you have a little bit more that you want to share with Reddit. I mean, I know that you have a lot more that you want to share with Reddit, but let's just do one more. I walk into Starbucks around 9pm. It was empty, and I already hit two Starbucks, but I was in the zone. I was far away from the cashier, so I crouch down

and bag some coffee. As I'm leaving, I see an Asian girl about one foot away from me, drinking her coffee for the exit with her friend eyeballing me. Must have seen the whole shit go down. I started walking down the street like, oh shit.

And turned back to watch them through the window. She was going motormouth to her friend about what she thinks she saw. Yada yada ya. And she stood up and reenacted the stunt for her friend. She must have told her friend, he stood there, facing that way, and did something. LMFAO. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, he stood there, facing that way, and did something.

LMFAO. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. Everybody. I'm stealing and I know it. Well, they sang the song. Here we go. After she told the story, she sat back down and didn't say shit to the staff. Always look good. Always be confident. It's gonna

save you from getting busted every damn time. I promise. You walked out on the street and then just stared back into the store and just watched? Yeah, because I look good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's an arsonist, but with stealing. Yeah, my name's Sticky Fingers! Yeah, brother, what's Good, good. Yeah. She's an arsonist, but with stealing. Yeah, my name's Sticky Fingers.

Yeah, brother, what's up, Sticky Fingers? Back the fuck up. Back the fuck up. Sticky Fingers. Whoop, whoop. I don't know why you're lifting from Starbucks, but they're a cunty corporation, so more power to you, whatever your reasons. They all cuntin' all the time.

You know how they cunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're lucky you didn't get a super citizen. They are the fucking worst, as they have no motivation other than jealousy. A super citizen is a person who witnesses a crime and reports it. Yeah, and gives a shit.

Look, they have no motivation other than jealousy. I was jealous of how fine you is. Jealousy. Starbucks. You hear me? I was jealous of your stealing coffee. How dare you get free coffee? That's against the law. I'm calling the cops. The only

two motivations they have are jealousy or a very basic moral code. Uh-huh. They put any thought into it? Yeah. Here's a funny thing. I found a liter of dumped kittens a few years back Right, right, that's funny

That's funny They were living in a tree And I only managed to catch one of them Hilarious As soon as I got them I took them to the supermarket To get food As we had no other cats

So no supplies Laughing my ass off Chop, chop, chop, chop Hell yeah. Yeah. This woman sees me with the kitten and of course goes gaga. Like a woman. Yeah.

Right, right. Bitches. Bitches love cats. Bitches love kittens. Yeah. Dog's a bitch. And I tell her the story and buy some food. A year or so later, she's working at that supermarket.

And every time I see her, she asks about the cat. Fast forward a couple years. My funny story takes nine years to tell. Did you suffer a concussion after the first paragraph? Bitches. We are in a completely different conversation at this point. Bitches. Then I was frozen in a

hyperbolic chamber. So I fast forward a couple years. Hyperbolic chamber? Yeah, I don't, yeah, no. Yeah, you're right. It was very mathematically curved. I was hoping that one could sneak past. Okay.

Fast forward a couple years, and she doesn't ask me as often But is still very friendly Then a colleague of mine goes into that supermarket To grab a few essential grocery items For his family He's in a very rough financial situation So it's all need

No greed Okay Yeah he's addicted to crystal meth So he steals from Ikea. Oh. She's not at work, but doing her own grocery shopping with a small child in tow. She leaves the toddler completely unattended to follow my friend around when she isn't even on the clock. The kid is actually running around trying to keep up and saying,

Mommy, can we go? Okay, that's what toddlers say all the time. Just so you know. Mommy, can we go? I am a toddler. Mommy! Well, they do a curtsy as they say that. Oh, we can't? Very good then.

She continues to ignore her own child to try to find a boss and report her suspicions. She's too slow. He escapes scot-free. Her child is feeling abandoned and scared. His child is fed, and she feels like a fucking super citizen.

This is a funny story, remember? I'm told the tale minutes after it happens. Next time I see her, she smiles and asks about the cat while I'm walking with the guy she tried to have arrested for stealing fucking cheese for his own family while she abandons her toddler for no justifiable reason. I ignore her and say to my friend, do you hear something? That's right. That's right.

I froze her out like a fucking grade schooler. Sounds like a hypocrite, but I can't seem to place the origin. Where's the hypocrite? So, yeah. Very good burn. Very good burn. I just want to have your thoughts. Then after that burn, I stared right at her.

Now every time I see her, she looks at her toes like a child in trouble. Nothing worse than a fucking super citizen. I am so glad you were able to infantilize a woman at the store. Yay! You're a good person. I'm the only man that's figured out how to do that. What's

Conchita DePita say about that? Hell yeah, man. Some people got their morals from J.R. Springer and shit. I get their morals from J.R. Springer and shit. Dirty. I get my morals from shit.

Dirty. Mfers. Starbucks is a known Zionist supporter too, filthy bastard. Why do you think that?

Why do you think they're Zionists? Because their yogurt and fruit parfait is fantastic. Of course. I highly advise you to lift. Fucking Zionists all with the good yogurt parfait. The wall made out of yogurt and fruit parfait?

The fruit with those Zionists? Preach it. Preach. Like in a fridge behind the counter? Like from another state? A scientist counter? Can I just hold on to that yogurt for a second? Stog?

Yes? Your name is Hot Butter Danel. Hot Butter Danel. No, no, your name is Stog. Your spirit is Hot Butter Danel. Hi, everybody. I'm Hot Butter Danel. No, no. Your name is Stog. Your spirit is hot buttered anal. Hi, everybody. I'm hot buttered anal. Uh-huh.

How's it going? The alarms went off today. I let someone else take the rap from me, and it was awesome. Oh. Oh, good for you. Happened at Macy's. I must have missed a sensor on the sweater. Noah's walking out the door.

These two colored guys were walking behind me. Colored guys? Oh, what were they colored as? Were they orange and purple? I'm going to need another shot of bourbon. Wow! Like, of all of the terms that would not surprise me on Reddit, colored guys is amazing. Hot-buted anal is a civil war veteran he actually for the first thing we call them yankee invaders the first thing he

is he he typed negra and then he backspaced it colored instead wait a, that ain't right. Hang on. What are they allowed to be called? The SJWs on this Reddit forum will hate that word. As I was walking out the door, these two colored guys were walking behind me and the alarms went off and sure, here enough comes the long play, but

they stopped the colored guys and not me. Racism. Yay. the long play, but they stopped the colored guys and not me. Oh, racism. Yay. And holy shit, what a rush. And I know for a fact that there was an alarm on the sweater only because I was white. I didn't get stopped.

Uh-huh. Yep. Wait, wait, say one more. Come on. What else you got? What else you got, Stog? you got stuck you want to say hot butter dino lol black people are good for something i guess there we are i'm sorry i like i like everyone of this i like everyone in the comment section calling him a horrible person yeah yeah reddit like conclusively agrees that this guy's fucking awful well it may pain you guys to know that hot buttered anil's account has been suspended oh buttered anil too much butter what's the deal hey uh uh boots i think you're gonna take over for

uh butthurt little tumblerina uh but I have a question I want to ask you. My question I want to ask you is, not safe for work, does LP ever play the sex card? LP, once again, lost prevention in our jargon here. When LP busts people, do they ever

offer to release you if you have sex with them? Oh! If you are busted, do you ever offer to have sex with them if they let you go? I do. If you do, can you get arrested for bribery? And are you on the set of a shitty porn right now? I hope so.

I delivered this pizza and stole most of these things. Anyway, yeah, I'm butthurt little Tumblerina. How you doing? Back when I was LP, I had an older but still attractive woman cross her arms, squeeze her chest

together. She squeezed her chest together and leaned sways her chest together and leaned forward saying, isn't there anything I can do to get out of this? You see, at one point, she was the host to a xenomorph, so her chest was actually split open.

Put it back together. That makes sense. I looked at my female witness and laughed. She didn't go to jail, but that's because she didn't do anything to deserve jail to begin with. They always have a person of the same sex as suspect in the office for this reason. However, I did have a buddy who met with a suspect after work. She blew him in his car, and then he lost her paperwork. So...

By the way, Squiddy, you're going to be DJ Rainbow Ejaculation, okay? That's funny! Can't say I blame the dude! Shut the fuck up, Henry. She just follows me around.

Yes, I do, Henry. Henry, just shut the fuck up, okay? Just shut the fuck up. You are not even funny. Henry, you're a horrible person. Why don't you just go home, Henry? My life is suffering! Let me blow you in the car first.

Hey, what's up? Who is that? I'm just to remember. You must remember this. Kind of. But indirectly. that i'm just to remember so you know kind of shit from claire's but indirectly i once received a blow job from a shoplifter i barely remembered the apprehension but apparently she was being a real bitch and i wasn't putting up with her shit okay it wasn't bad enough that I had to call the police, but she had a really bad attitude, and I responded by being bigger, louder, and more clear. Oh, yeah. She eventually calmed down and, in the end, gave me a hug. Bunnybread, my truth meter is making all these noises.

What do you think that's about? Do you think it's malfunctioning? Shut up! Put my neck back in your mouth. It's super truthy. truth meter is making all these noises. What do you think that's about? Do you think it's malfunctioning? Shut up! Put my dick back in your mouth. It's super truthy. Why is it red, though? I feel like red is a weird color for the truth meter to be.

It's going way off the top of the truthiness charts. Extra truth. So much truth. It's like Kool-Aid truth. Like a month later, I was at a party and she was there. I didn't even recognize her at first, so I was ignoring her. Yes, I ignore women that I don't recognize. That's right.

Now you get it. Suddenly, I had a good-looking drunk girl in my drunk lap. My lap was only drunk. No, the rest of me was fine. Just poured bourbon all over my balls. Okay, penis, here's your bourbon. Drink up. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.

I keep hearing things about whiskey, dick. It sounds great. Here's another shot for you, penis. So we just bathed in it or what? Reminding me how we had met. She blew me in the bathroom, you know. Then we both went back to the party and didn't talk again. Yep. Awesome. A week or so later, I got a call

from our mutual... A week or so later, it's totally true. She's Canadian. I got a call from our mutual friend to call the girl. I did. And then she blew me in the Walmart parking lot. Where like 75% of blowjobs occur.

Yes. That part is true of blowjobs occur. Yes. That part is true. Come on, guys. And I haven't, haven't, haven't heard from her since. It's been a year or so now. Oh, my bullshit ran out.

All right. Good night. Bye-bye. Out of bullshit. See me next week. But I will remember you. Oh. Remember my bullshit always. But I will remember you. Oh. Remember my bullshit always.

Document, once again, put together by Kanye Sutra. Thank you, Kanye Sutra. Split into several sections. The last section, appropriately titled, Do You Even Lift Bro? Fine. Fine. Very well done documenting, I believe.

Yeah, no, fun doc. THAFL.us, we have a link to the document. But for this thing, we're going to look at a person called... What is his name? Kirby... Kirby Kirby Kurabo. Kirby, Kirby Kurabo.

That's a Portax. That's Portax's wheelhouse right there. Can I be Portax? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Your name is Kirby, Kirby Kurabo.

Talk to me about, I don't know, like Pokemon or some shit. Like bitch about John Kay for like ten minutes if you could. Yay! I can't think about anything. Oh, anime! Shit, I'm so bad at this. In that case, I'll just read this post on Reddit, please. Does GameStop even have all...

I mean, does GameStop even have loud pussy? Some GameStops I go to either have a few stationary cameras, which make for tons of blind spots or a single bubble camera The cameras seem to only be there for when big thefts happen and they need to review footage

With the M plots review footage M plots? Yeah, with the Mplots review footage. The Mplots review footage. If they found an empty bag for a charger or something, stealing for GameStop honestly seems like a joke. Oh, you're an inside agent.

I doubt GameStop has any steps about shoplifting. No. Shoplifting has probably never occurred to GameStop at all. That's true. I bet people never even try to steal video games. Do you even exchange money at GameStop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ripping off other people

does not occur to GameStop. Carry on. And, uh, Boots, you're happy pills? I am happy pills. Shoplifting in general is a joke. If you're old enough to have a job, either get one and buy the shit from GameStop you're trying to steal with your own cash,

or learn how to be a piece of shit and get more than a cable or empty game case out of doing it. Before I got sober, I had a stupidity scale on pieces of shit that I met. Welcome to the 90s, everybody! We can all say that we don't relate to this guy

at all. Please picture that sentence literally. Okay. I had a stupidity scale on pieces of shit that I met. I rate you a 4, and I rate you a 7, and I rate you a 6. Oh, congratulations! You've just leveled up.

People that supported their habit off identity theft and scams were pretty well off from it and almost never got caught. They weren't stupid, just pieces of shit. Now, on the other end of the scale, there's people who shoplift for phone chargers and stupid shit that I'd let ride with me. I'd park far away and tell them that if they aren't back in 30 minutes, I'm leaving because they got

caught and are fucking stupid. Are they pieces of shit, though? Is he like an Uber for shoplifters? What the fuck? Hello, I'll be your chauffeur for the evening. At least a fourth of the time,

at least a fourth of the time, at least a fourth of the time they wouldn't come back, and sure enough I'd type their name to see if they're in the system, and sure enough, they were in jail. Okay, what kind of magic internet does he have? I want that. The police computer? Yes. Okay, Google, is this

person in jail? Yes. Perfect. It's the computer from Police Quest. That's what he has. They all checked in on Foursquare. I'm the mayor of jail. Well, I got to steal these eight phone charges, so first I got to check myself in. Shoplifting is pathetic get a job or get better at being a criminal

good point fucking murder things god damn it coming very much down to the end of this document I like it very much but this thread is on reddit and it's called really good though about, about the...

I'm getting tired of people thinking that Shoplifting is fighting the big guy. Now everyone's just fighting with each other. Yeah, yeah, imagine that. Reddit's fighting with each other. Okay, but... Okay. All right. So this thread here is called

Anyone steal Cameras? Oh what are these things? That's a good idea I'm gonna steal a typewriter Bunnybread you are case mods Not really shot lifting But I thought it was related

So one time I took one from a bank that was being fumigated. I ended up just tossing it after I took it, laughing out, League of Legends. Hey, I'm Pledge Master Pi, and I'm here to say Bro Stealing Cameras is shoplifting.

Wow. Sort of meter to that. I got the worst flow. So Bro Stealing Cam cameras is shoplifting? Yeah. Bro stealing cameras is shoplifting. Well, does Butthurt Little Tumblerina have anything to say about that? No, it isn't. Oh.

That's like saying driving a car fast is racing, or killing someone is murder, or having sex is for having babies. Okay, okay, okay, okay. None of these are true. Facts don't matter. There's a couple confusing bits to your metaphor. One of them is that your three metaphors don't match with each other.

What do you mean? Well, your assertion of stealing cameras is not shoplifting. Uh-huh. You're right. In the same way that killing someone isn't murder, dummy. And that having sex isn't for having babies. Correct.

Okay. Yeah. There's some tie-in, sure. Sure. The two fall in the same general realm, but that doesn't make them the same. I drive fast because I'm late. Which is a crime. I can kill someone in self-defense.

Which is murder. Or in a war. Or on accident. Manslaughter. I get into wars often. I like to call it man's laughter. Okay. I have had a lot more sex than I have had

children, and in many cases with women who I would not want to have my child. And we don't want to have your child. Yeah. Stealing cameras is theft. Shoplifting is theft. But stealing cameras is not shoplifting.

A equals B, but they don't equal C, stupid. There's a whole shoplifting theft Venn diagram happening here. I think you need to go back to critical thinking class, dude. It's theft because you're stealing it, and you're stealing it from a store, but that doesn't make it shoplifting?

But is a bank a store? Yes, you can't shoplift from something that isn't a shop, dummy. See, a bank is a bank. Storelifting isn't a word. It would be banklifting. Look, but banks store money. Or bank robbing. I have one last question that I want to ask

the internet guys Why do people still visit this subreddit? My name is EasyCZG EasyCZG? No, EasyCZG That's my name I hope I'm still Conchita De Petita I suppose you'd have to be but here we go

I recently visited this subreddit and reading some of the posts I'm kind of baffled why there are still people especially those that are shoplifting active on the sub half of the people here are LPs that are looking for new ways to catch more people by reading more how I did it posts by egotistical retards

oh okay people super committed to the more people by reading more How I Did It posts by egotistical retards. Oh. Okay. People super committed to the, yeah, it's like a fucking taxi driver situation. The other half are dumb 15-year-olds asking, How do I steal a PS2? Oh, God. Come to my house.

Yeah, this was posted four months ago. Then come to my house. Yeah, this was posted four months ago. Then come to my house. I have like two or three for you. I have an Xbox. Anything that you want. Hey, that's my PS2! I might want to play Silent Hill someday. Toast gave that to me.

Then return it two weeks later to post, I got caught. Am I fucked? You might as well rename this sub to r slash lp paradise or paradise. Paradise.

Oh, paradise. Paradise. I dig how you're getting something profound out of this website that you feel like you want to come here and talk shit. The question is, big man, why do you visit Reddit at all if you are not here to get knowledge and do something? What's your malfunction?

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I've confused Reddit with lynda.com. I'll just leave now. I'm sorry. This is the only Reddit I use I found this place when I was searching lifting tools online

You can gain information, gain skills get feedback on ideas comma comma, etc and get some growth out it Look at this guy though he doing it big online, he is a Reddit god, man. We are not shit.

Shit! When he dies, they gonna build him a Reddit shrine to acknowledge his message board online status. You're my preach hero! There are so many fedoras on that shrine. What? WeedToker420 posted a picture of a cat he found online on Reddit.

Got a lot of upvotes. Upvotes, upvotes, upvotes. I bet he saved his upvotes in a phone text document somewhere. LMFAO. Oh, Josh. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. Everybody! Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. It looks like Conchita DePita has been deleted from Reddit. Oh, no, Conchita DeLita.

The mic was dropped. So, F+, what did we learn from this episode? I want to be Conchita DePita when I grow up. She sounds fun. She has sort of a My Train to Highlands word. I want Buddy Brad to be Conchita DePita when he grows up. She sounds fun. She has sort of a my train of thought. I want Buddy to be Conchita to the pita when he grows up. Fuck yeah, let's vote it up. Vote, vote, vote.

Some talents are just not worth having. Some talents? Yeah, some talents and skills are just not really worth having. They're not to this degree of any... Not to this degree that they're getting into. Well, do you mean shoplifting?

Because they get free shit from stores. Yeah, but okay. But then again, you end up posting on Reddit, and that's fucking kind of not worth it. There's an upside and a downside, yes. That's a downside. You're required to post on Reddit afterwards. Doug, you've got to weigh the pros and cons of this. Well, I get free shit, but I have to post on Reddit.

Oh, this is a hard decision. Anything else we learned from this? How to get Maybelline shit. How to be really sexy. How to be really sexy? I teach that every day. No, wait, BunnyBread, you just learned how to be really sexy. Finally! Finally!

Maybe people will stop slapping you upside the face and call you Poindexter all the time. We were all kicking sand in your eyes. I remember that. Hey, stealing nerd, have some sand. Bunny Bread, this might be the year you lose your cherry. It's alright.

I contacted this guy called Call Me Charles Atlas, and he's going to teach me how to be a real man. Yeah, I mean, there's... I kind of expected to feel a little bit more nostalgic about this episode than I did, because, sure, of course, I was a shithead kid, so of course I stole things. And I kind of expected to feel a little bit of kinship

with the people that were posting in this thing. I totally agree with you. Until I realized that they were like grown-ass motherfuckers who were still doing this shit. Who were still doing this shit. And I stole magic cards when I was 15. Wow. Can I tell you?

I want to tell you. I want to tell you. Stog has an opinion about that. I got caught stealing magic cards and here's why. You were such a dork. Oh, I was for a little while. Stog just called you a dork. Keep talking. Stog just called me a dork and I'm going to have to live with that

for my entire life. So there was a point where I was stealing things from stores to such an extent uh i was i was stealing things from stores to such an extent that it was just it was fun to steal things from stores it wasn't only about the things it was about like it was fun to steal shit and uh so there was a comic book shop that i like to steal from because it was fun to steal things from a comic book shop and i the so the time that i got caught and the time that i stopped shoplifting was because they had magic cards on the counter, right? And so what I did was I went up to the counter and I bought, like, an okay soda.

And then while he was ringing me up, like, I reached over onto the deck of magic cards and pocketed three, like, put it in my sleeve. And I was like, yes, here's. And I saw the clerk, like, look back at me, like, what, here's... And I saw the clerk look back at me like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, I don't know what to do at this point. So I walked out of the store, and yeah, and then they stopped me. So that plan didn't work out.

That plan did not work out. I was still shit in plain view and walked out. Nobody on this forum liked to brag about the time that they got brought into the back room of a GameStop and their mother got called. And then they cried in front of the store manager and their own mother. I do think it's kind of perfect, though. Because that's the thing I've seen a couple times, and it's fun to watch. Well, I imagine that this is what happens if you don't get arrested, or if you don't get caught at a young age. Then that's not out of your system, and then you end up here? Yeah.

I still steal Yu-Gi-Oh cards to this day. Exactly. I'm actually a little worried about you right now. I'm actually a little worried about you right now. And if you're looking for advice on how to steal things, you can go to idiots.win, which won't help you, but it'll occupy your time for a couple minutes. You can help yourself. Yeah, I played idiots.win for the first time,

I guess last week, and the first six rounds of that, I got all five wrong in each single question. Yeah, I got, like, all five wrong in each single question. Yeah, I was so bad at it. Like, it is so fucking hard. No, no, you have to type into the zeitgeist of dumb. It's difficult.

Like, if you're doing bad on that game, don't worry, you are just like everyone else. No, I was actually shocked at how bad I was doing. I built the thing, and I'm not very good at it. You know who's really good at it though? Montreux. I'm really good at it. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in Montreux.

So thanks a lot for coming back, Squiddy. And maybe you'll find her on Ballpit. That's B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. No. Maybe not. I don't know. Bye. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye..3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3 So, I remember at one point I was at a Best Buy, and I saw a guy just like, he was going through the CDs, and he just took a CD, put it in his jacket,

put it in his pants, took a CD, put it in his jacket, took a CD, and he didn't do anything. Like, he didn't do anything. He didn't do anything. He just went like, and I was with a friend of mine, and I was like, dude, watch this. And so we're watching this guy, just super

flagrant, and we're both looking at this, and he didn't have any sort of guide as far as what he stole or whatever. He just grabbed and shoved, and so we're like, what's going to happen? How is he going to whatever. He just grabbed and shoved. And so we're like, what's going to happen? How is he going to do this? And here's his strategy. It was really good. So what he did

was he was really obvious, and then he walked over to the exit, and he kind of hung out there for a second, and then he darted into traffic. Yay! And now he's dead. And the thing went like beep beep beep beep beep and the guy just burst out the door but then it was a uh you know the automatic door so we like smacked into it

and then like we're like what the fuck this is his plan and like we watch him and he and he like bangs into one bangs into the other like makes his way into the street and plows into a car oh my god it sounded so professional in the beginning

and then he just it did yeah it was not get that guy to the olympics he's gonna be a gold medalist