The F Plus - 218: Idiocy is the Mother of These Inventions

Episode Date: July 3, 2016

In the past, The F Plus has provided listeners with all sorts of inventions that the internet has come up with and wants to sell to the general public. And, well, let's not complicate matters. We're doing that again. Lest you fear repetition, have you heard about the iPhone app that eliminates child negligence, a fitness regimen based on lifting women, or a sporting event played by ghosts? Because you're about to. This episode is copyright Chug Nug.

This is the F+, an inspirational place for terrible things read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Jean Toast. It can hold your baby while you shower away from soap in your hair, but there with mom and dad, because they're home alone, not only watch baby while baby can shower with mom or dad, now just drop them in baby shower chair. Jack Chick. Helmet flags should be sold

where whip flags are sold nationwide. Stog. The similar technologies are for special places, but my invention can use in every place. Portex. With the brain bow, you can bludgeon people to death and put a beautiful prismatic spray all over the walls.

And lemon. rainbow, you can bludgeon people to death and put a beautiful prismatic spray all over the walls. Ooh. And lemon. Retail values could be as high as $60 a unit. After all costs, they're looking at only $5 cost per unit. Huge profit margin potential. Copyright Chugnug. Oh, Chugnug's gonna corner the fucking market, man.

Get the fuck out of here, Tesla. Chugnug's gonna corner the fucking market, man. Get the fuck out of here, Tesla. Chug Nug's the new kid. Hey, F+. Hello, Lemon. Hi, Lemon. Are you all full of ideas? Yes, always. No, never.

What are some ideas that you have, Stog? Well, ideas like moving to Minneapolis and getting a job. That it? That's it? Yeah. Okay. Ritual suicide anywhere in there? What? Ritual suicide? Is that banned? It is a ban that Jack Chick could tell you about. Yeah.

But let's move off of that topic and into the topic of our episode for tonight. Our friend Montreth has not submitted super recently. For a change. Yeah. And then very recently she gave me a document that I know was something that she worked very hard on. And that is a site called PatentAuction.com. Yay! PatentAuction.com is a very minimal site

with inventions for sale. So we're going to be learning about some great inventions that we can bid on. And I think we're all going to be very excited and you know probably buy a couple of these okay yeah sounds good all right good so uh so john if you'll start us off here uh we're going to be in the category of chemistry and uh what patent would you like to put up for auction my patent is best fireproof in the world. You! Okay.

Defending against dragons. I discovered and I made a new unknown element. I named for it Shiri Neom. That is best fireproof in the world. Yay! You named it? Shiri Neom. Okay, good. Okay, greatum The properties of the new element say

One not burn That's a good thing in a fireproof element Not burn Two does not melt No melting point Three heat will not pass from his Four is light Three heat will not pass from his. Four is light.

Just like, it's not heavy, or it's glowing, or... No, it's light. As in, it is both a particle and a wave. The answer to all your questions is financial information. Right. Tell me more. I once sell this discovery to best value questions is financial information. Right. Tell me more. I once sell this discovery to best value. That makes sense.

I keep the matter secret. How did you get to this webpage? I did not give to anybody. Okay. For security, comma, colon. Yeah. If only there was a punctuation mark for this. Do not question my punctuation. I invented that, too.

It did not register. This article is worth billions of dollars. I also invented the best colon in the world. It has a comma in it. This webpage is worth billions of dollars? My contact number is me slapping the number colon in the world. It has a comma in it. This webpage is worth billions of dollars? My contact number is me slapping the number pad on my keyboard. Okay, and how much do you want for this? Above one million USD.

Above one million and one dollar. He's old. That's great, because apparently it's worth billions, and you're selling it for Just over a million Is this a picture of it? This moldy sandwich? I think so

It is not on fire I can tell that I found this new element under my couch cushions Oh I forgot all about this fireproof element It's up out of my pocket Alright Oh, I forgot all about this fireproof element. It's out of my pocket. All right. I'm going to tell you about a patent that I have,

and it is called Infant Reminder. No more forgotten children in vehicles. It has a whole bunch of formatting errors that we're just going to have to skip over. Good Lord. Yes, it does. Oh my god. But category softwares, plural. Life-saving firefighting and security and alarms.

Warning, your child is in the car. Your child is in the car. That might be what it is. Let's find out. Infant reminder. No more forgotten children and vehicles. Brief description of project. Perhaps the haste, perhaps the thought that afflict

every adult, have distracted thousands of parents around the world, causing terrible tragedy and the deaths of forgotten children and vehicles. Made in Messinia, sorry, Messina, which so I guess the children are. Infant reminder is the first app

in the world for smartphone and tablets.inder is the first app in the world for smartphone and tablets. It is the first app in the world for smartphone and tablets. We brought babies into it. I don't think that's true. Where do babies come from? Messina. They come from the Internet of Things now. Totally free of charge and usable worldwide.

Available to ward off the danger of forgetting children in vehicles. Download it from lighting incense under your bed. Your phone goes off and says, you have a child, by the way. Simple, fast, intuitive, universal, efficient, effective, safe, free, customizable,

sustainable, multimedia, multilingual, made in Italy. This is a Brendan Crescenzo review all of a sudden. I too like words. These all describe children I've met. Yep. That I've suffocated in cars.

My child is effective. Have you ever suffocated a multilingual child, though? Features and key benefits. Warning off the dangers of forgetting the children in vehicles. How does InfoReminder work? Before starting the route, the user launches the application and enter a destination address, either manually or withdrawing it from their favorite destination previously saved. Preferably you do this while you're driving, you know, for the safety of your child.

Yeah, withdraw your destination. As soon as you start browsing, the user will be alerted automatically and periodically with audible and visual alarms. I thought I was kidding. What? Both during the journey and both in proximity to arrival. So it's like an extremely

annoying Google Maps. You know, Google Maps, except it also goes, In the future, don't leave your child in the car. Oh, dude, you know what we should do? We should get this app and then change the alarm sound to be Paul. By the way, that's not a reference that will make sense to the listener, Jack Jack. By the way, Portax pointed out something good.

Can we have a new term on the F plus for when you make a joke in the F plus and then the article just becomes that joke? It does need a term. Yeah, it's just reminding you that you have baddie. I don't understand. Still remain in active navigation for a period of time greater than 10 minutes, a sign of probable forgetfulness and deconcentration. The application allows also to send SMS

or email messages, respectively, to a phone number or an email address previously stored. Oh, great! Mom, Dad, why do you ignore me? No, honey, we just forgot we had you. The phone doesn't say you exist, so how the fuck am I supposed to remember?

Attention, you have a baby. Text STOP to stop having a baby. supposed to remember. Attention, you have a baby. Text STOP to stop having a baby. Text 55304 to smother your baby out of existence. An additional alarm,

not configurable, will pop up when the vehicle is close to destination. The configuration settings activatable activable activable only after stopping navigation. Optionally allow for 1. Enable or disable the initial warning.

2. Enable or disable the audible or visual alarm. Slash or visual alarm. 3. Set up to 3% of the trip to attainment of which receives the alarms. Oh. 4. Store a phone number to which receives the alarms. Oh. Four, store a phone number to which

send an SMS. Five, save an email address that will receive an email message. Reminder is the first app in the world for smartphones and tablets. See, there's no app telling this person that other apps exist,

so they think this. That's true. First, baby reminder. Second, calculator. Third, clock. Fourth, phone. I don't know why phone was fourth. Five, fire.

You forgot about stock ticker. Oh, yeah. The parent must only have the foresight to launch the application before leaving the house, as it would with the weather or with daily news, and enter the address of the destination. After that, the application starts up, and every few times reminds the owner of the phone that the baby is still sitting in the backseat of the car until the arrival at the destination. But not only that, ten minutes after the application is closed, when dad or mom are engaged in their work, comes another anti-addiction alarm to avoid listening to the sounds emitted by

the phone during the drive. To become normal and undermine the goal of the app. What if I get used to a phone screaming at me that I have a baby? It plays an alarm every five seconds and then afterwards it plays an anti-alarm. No, I think they mean

if any sounds are coming from your phone then it'll alert you. So it's like, this is Ira Glass, you're listening to this. You have a baby! This is Ira Glass, you're listening to this You have a baby! This is Ira Glass, you have a baby. You have a baby, this is your anti-alarm. You have a baby. This is actually good idea.

Can I patent something that works with this app where it's like an injector seat that launches the baby out of the car if it's just stuck in there for too long? This is Paula Poundstone, your baby has been launched out of the car. Wait, wait. Where's my baby?

Boom goes the dynamite. Ew. Ew. What? Stock? Thanks, Stock. Let's just take a minute. I'm going to have a drink.

Are you leaving that in? Yeah, no. Let's take a minute to appreciate how uncomfortable lemon is because Stog said boom goes the dynamite. That's also good, actually. It sustains me for a while. Stog, I approve of you. Don't listen to them. Alright, here we go.

Check, check. You like ball caps, don't you? Yeah, I, as you well know, have a large collection. Right, of course, of course. Do you feel like there's any sort of, even though you like ball caps, do you feel like there's any sort of downside

to a ball cap? Well, there's the part where it doesn't have a brim on both sides, so I can't turn my cap around backwards and still have a brim. Like a Sherlock Holmes baseball cap? Is that what you're talking about? It's a brim. Like a Sherlock Holmes baseball cap? Is that what you're talking about? It's a hunting hat. Yeah, except

maybe it could say, you know, like, world's greatest dad on the front and chief beer drinker on the back or something like that. Well, is there any other things that you can think about that baseball caps are missing? No. Okay, well. It needs a propeller from a beanie. Thanks for your help there, Jack Jack.

It needs to be covered in reflectors. It needs to shout my name every time I enter or leave a room. It needs at least 15 clocks, no more or less. It needs five alligator clips and they all have little sparklers on the end. It needs a USB plug.

Hey Jack, I have a suggestion. You know, if there were an improvement, maybe it could be a personal face shield for a standing... Oh, my God! What an amazing idea you came up with, John! I don't know where it came from. Where did you pull that idea out of?

Ooh. Personal face shield. Not those communal face shields we're all used to. I need to turn my ball cap into a riot helmet, guys. How can I do that? Alright, let's hear about this fucking thing. Well, here, let me help you. This U.S. patented product is a single-piece plastic-molded face shield

that easily attaches to a standard baseball cap. It can be used for protection from the sun's harmful ultraviolet radiation. Okay, okay. I mean, depending on your plastic, I suppose it could. Doesn't the brim of the cap already keep the sun? Not if you stare at the sun! You're forgetting about your chin.

That's why you need to wear a welding shield wherever you go. I need this personal face shield for competitive staring at the sun events. I'm ranked, motherfucker. From flying debris and sprays, or even to help prevent the spread of the flu. Right, yeah, yeah, a plastic shield would do that, absolutely. My anti-flu face will say it. Your limbs are very large. All right, well, now here.

So I feel like you guys aren't quite getting it, so let me give you some ideas for who would need this. Lunatics. Convicts. Lifeguards. Cross-country skiers. Snowshoers. Snowshoers. Wooden metal shop

workers. People who make snowshoes. Do they wear a face shield anyway? Yeah, but now they could have it attached to their ball cap. I suppose. How do you do, fellow kids? I'm here to do some welding. Exactly. Landscapers, roofers, barbecue-ers, and others who work and or play outside would find...

Sometimes the cow isn't fully dead and it will actually try to attack you off the grill. You need that extra protection sometimes. It's too delicious. I can't look directly at it. I must have some sort of shield. I must protect myself from the harmful UV rays coming out of this. I always accidentally put the shish kebab

in my eye. Oh, so it's just like they can't aim with the barbecue. Right, right, right. Would find this product convenient to use and preferable to applying greasy suntan lotion slash zinc oxide to the face all the time. I know, it takes all of five

seconds. I hate suntan lotion. Why use suntan lotion when you can just wear a hazmat suit? Yeah, I mean, exactly. Developed with the help of America and Ments of San Francisco, CapShield has been marketed before with some interest from manufacturers of sunshades and other types

of face shields. It received serious attention from a multi-billion dollar East Coast holding company, the Danaher a while back. Why describe it in that weird way? As well, the product was a finalist in a recent product search sponsored

by Everyday Edison's PBS for Bed Bath & Beyond. This was part of the Beyond section. I guess so. I think you guys are vastly underselling the Cap Shield. I think that that's also quality wear for the bedroom. Well, it depends on how ugly she is, Jack.

Slam! Let's get to it. I want to fuck her, but I don't want to kiss her. I want to fuck her, but I'm afraid of the UV rays that emit from her body. Oh, instead of a flashlight, I ordered an actual flashlight. God damn it. If we're both getting out of here alive, you better squirt.

Oh, dear. The cap shield is simple to produce, easy to store. You can store about 100 units in a cubic foot. Inexpensive to shoot. I get it. Never mind.

That's all right. Go ahead. No, it's, you know, why wouldn't you need 100 units in a cubic foot? Why are we, like, giving our measurements the same way, like, God gave the ark measurements to Noah? Is this your way of... A cubit of hat shields. Is this a bag of holding you're selling us? Yeah.

No, it's a capsule. And how much do you want for this? Make it happen. My name's Blue. Ba-bo-dee-ba-da-da. Ba-bo-dee-da-da-da. No, wait a minute. You make fun of Stog's Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Yeah, what is that shit, man? Neither of these are okay. Okay, I agree with you on that. Man, Lemon's just going to look at his blue house with his blue window and just get really sad. I'm a Barbie! Oh, God. Oh, my God. The nighties are taking over the podcast abort.

Okay. Stog, tell me about the board game. The board game? You mean board game questions and answers about internet? I guess. Do I mean that? I guess I must. Lemon, is this your...

Lemon, is this your... Is this your patent? Yeah, this is just damn dog. No, no, I'm just going... I need to go lo-fi with my next project. Board.game. Holy shit, let me see if I can buy it. Yeah, this is just damn dog. No, no, I need to go lo-fi with my next project. Board.game. Holy shit, let me see if I can buy it!

Look, just so people don't get confused, I named the board game Board Game, questions and answers about internet, so people don't get confused when it's in stores. Oh, good. Yeah. What's the difference between an otherkin and a therian? Boardgamewithagame.com has taken.

Now for another round of What's That Fetish? Look, board game questions and answers about internet is a question and answer board game to be played by at least two players having a board. A frame congregating of plurality cells. A dice. A plurality of cards having written question and instructions to the players.

And a plurality of tokens having different colors to identify the users and is designed to identify the current position of the player at one of the cells. So the very concept of a board game? Is that what you're going for? What's that? This sounds like... It's the plurality of a board game? Is that what you're going for? What's that? This sounds like...

It's the plurality of board game descriptions. From the ingredients, this sounds like sorry, and if this is about the internet, you're going to be sorry. Joey two times designs a board game. A number of cells represent websites designed to provide instructions to the player. Like Instructables? Like WikiHow?

Yeah. Because I could make a board game about WikiHow. That would be amazing. That would have great art. This is not a board game about WikiHow. I'm out!

How to play a board game at school while still liking a boy. There goes my venture capitalist money. If you're interested about a game about WikiHow, you should go to

DamDotDot. Thanks for finishing that pitch this time. You're welcome. The rest of the cells represents websites designed to companies that advertise their service and products. A user has to respond... Commercials the game.

What? That's great. Sorry, keep going. Keep going, please. A user has to respond correctly to a predetermined number of questions in order to possess the selected cell. Alright. The purpose of this game is to possess

a higher number of cells or websites and cards with correct answers about the history and development of the internet industry. Oh no. Oh no. Go directly to DeviantArt. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Who gives a shit? How many points is the Space Jam website worth? I'm building a hotel on Flues Avenue, just so you know. Don't land there. I imagine those hotels were cheap. Oh yeah.

Wait, did you buy the hotels with blues? Yeah. Portax, you got a tool you want to talk to us about? Oh, yeah. But Lemon, you're already here. I'm here. What's your name, Vortex? My name is Horse Tools.

Horse Tools. Banana, na, na, na, na, na. Banana Horse Tools. Yeah. Yeah. Horse Tools sold globally. Oh, good. It's in the category of amusement sports.

Yeah, amusement sports. I like amusement sports. Yeah, amusement sports. I like amusement sports. My man sometimes gets out of control. You don't have to pay attention to him. As a rider need to thread its horse, this is a multi-tool alone of its kind on the global market. Instead of using five loose tools Every needed tool is integrated In the horse tools Light easy to put in your pocket

Can be laser graved stainless steel safety Laser graved Horse tools It can be killed with a laser and then buried So it's like a Swiss army knife But with more horses in it It's a Swiss army knife made out of horses Four horses made by horses I feel like it's a Swiss Army knife made out of horses! Four horses made by horses!

I feel like it's a Swiss Army knife, but there must be tools that specifically horse riders need. It's nothing but spurs! And a lasso! And a tooth pick. And a bridle. And a tooth pick still, for some reason. John Toast,

I'm going to give you an option at this point. Ooh, I like this. You ready? Yeah. Here we go. These are actually both completely viable options, too. Here we go. Number one.

No, I'm serious. They are. All right. Number one, All Invisible Sports League. No, I think the sequel to Rocket League, they're really going off the path. I've been watching that a lot.

All Invisible Sports League. Number two, dual-purpose hip flask with smoking apparatus, medical marijuana. Oh, you were right. For once, these are both viable. Oh, shit. I've got to go with the All Invisible Sports League because I have no idea what the fuck that is. Are you sure you don't want to go for the are you sure you don't want to go for the flasks he can drink and smoke a joint from he is sure he clearly is sure so here we go i made sophie's choice here they were so good you

know what i can probably buy that from spencer so never mind let's go with the all invisible sports league yeah probably right what else do you get from Spencer's stock? Horse tools! Hello, everyone. I'm here to tell you about the All Invisible Sports League. My name is Markhan. Okay. Markhan. Markhan.

A new and distinct way to play any and all real sports games without each team being in the same building. to play any and all real sports games without each team being in the same building. That is a problem that we needed to solve, yeah. Soccer by mail.

Shit, the soccer ball got lost in the mail again. Fuck! This is a real, capital G game that two real teams will be playing. Each team have to be in a building that is across town or in another town, city, or state to

be able to play this new way. And you can't see what the other team... So it's like, oh, you sunk my basketball! Yeah, the teams line up and then play Battleship in different rooms. Hang on, let me open a window. You suck my Battleship!

This is not a video game, but a real game. Like, in a real football game. It's so real, you guys. Just believe me. I just don't know that it is that real, but okay. Just believe me. I just don't know that it is that real, but okay. Each player will fill each hit, block, catch the football, run the football against the other team, and when the defensive player tackles the offensive player, the play will stop if they are on the same field with each other. So you're making soccer with ghosts. Is that what you want?

Ghost soccer. I think soccer with ghosts. Is that what you want? Ghost sucker. I really like how it was like, okay, he's setting something up, and then just goes fucking left turn into fucking crazy town. This really honestly reads like

when a two-year-old has an idea. Like, hey, hey, let me tell you something. I invented invisible sports! What if you could play sports, but they were in other buildings, but they could play sports and offensive player? What if another person could push you, but they weren't there like a real sport?

Isn't that just a video game? It's not a video game! Financial information. I want to outright sell this invention with a set amount of S dollars. Oh yeah, a set amount.

Way to hone in that figure. I'm sure you had to consult a lawyer. He did about that much for it, to be honest. Looks like the dollar sign has a baby. That's cute. Little baby dollar sign. Yay. With a percent of royalties and ever building

that this invention is played. What? Real estate, I guess? What? I think he's saying that if they play the game in a different building, then they have to pay him royalties. Yeah, the building itself has to pay license fees.

What? If you're playing the game in a building, the building has to pay royalties. Yeah, sapient buildings. Sorry, we skipped over that part in the pitch. What? If you're playing the game in a building, the building has to play royalty. Yeah, sapient buildings. Sorry, we skipped over that part in the pitch. But yeah, buildings are alive in this universe. It's in Two Town. Oh my god.

Then the idea might work. This invention has never been sold on the market before. Agreed. I wonder why, for some reason. There are over 19,000 cities in the United States. Agreed There are over 19,000 cities In the United States Agreed And there can be more than two buildings For this invention in each city

And for each team will pay $250 to play the game That they want to play The website for this invention Is TimberlineLogicLLC.com Alright TimberlineLogicLLC.com Alright TimberlineLogicLLC.com That takes me to nothing

Well It's an invisible website Oh fuck I like the little frowning document In chrome that looks at me when I try and go to that website It's looking at me like what the fuck did you just read So for $10.69 I could buy TimberlineLogicLLC.com

Wait hang on they have a Facebook page So for $10.69, I could buy Timberline Logic LLC. Wait, hang on, they have a Facebook page. It appears to be... They do have one Facebook like. Lemon, if you buy that domain, you can start your own ghost soccer league. Yeah. I genuinely have a backlog of 12 domains I have to website on. Including, by the way, including kumquatzop.xyz and portex.xyz. Yep.

So if anyone's got an idea, let me know. Portex is used cars. Jack Chick. Hi. Have you had any problems concealing your weapons? I've had a lot of problems concealing my weapons. Do you have a solution for me?

No, I was hoping you had a solution for me. Oh, so this is a reverse thing. Got it. I will... I'm going to read the thing there Look guys, it's really hard to hide a mace with the You know what, these improv classes are paying off really well You've been doing this podcast for how many years, Jack? Look guys, it's just really hard to hide a mace with a skull on it in your hoodie, okay?

Alright, so this is I mean, maybe in your hoodie So this is the game changer. Yeah! I know why you gave this to me. Psychotron. A self-defense weapon concealed in your sleeve. Way to go.

Finally, no more. Way to go, Travis Bickle. Concealing it in other people's sleeves. Do you want to know what category this is in? Yep. Health! Life-saving, firefighting fitness! Okay, alright, go on.

You know, I don't think I'm going to like this health album after all. That's because it's fitness. The pending patent identifies the product as arm sleeve with retractable elbow spike! Elbow spike? But I prefer Game Changer. the product as arm sleeve with retractable elbow spike. Oh. Elbow spike? But I prefer Game Changer. I invented Baraka from Mortal Kombat 2.

I prefer arm sleeve with retractable elbow spike. I stole something from Assassin's Creed. Take that, capitalism. The Game Changer is a retractable spike worn under the sleeve that is activated with the press of a pair of buttons. The idea arose when I considered the fact that

anyone who finds himself on the receiving end of a chokehold has little or no recourse. The Game Changer not only enables you to escape from a chokehold, it also allows you to take control. By stabbing them. With your elbow, you know, the most flexible part of your body.

Yeah, then you'll be in control, motherfucker. Because, like, the thing about like, sort of like criminals is that they often put you in a chokehold. Just put your hands behind your head and stick your elbows out in front of you with the spikes out and just run charging and screaming at them.

You know what criminals also do? They give you a swirly. They do. And with this you can stab the toilet while you're getting a swirly. It's a game changer. Fuck you, toilet. You're complicit in this. The good Samaritan law says that that toilet should have done something. Also fitted.

God damn it. Also fitted within the wrist end of a sleeve is a small throwing knife for fending off any attacker who is not already subdued by the spike. This is Assassin's Creed. It's a spike with a knife in it? No, it's that he's got the elbow spikes, and I think the knife itself is concealed, I'm guessing, near the wrist or something, so you can whip it down and throw it super fast.

Oh, okay. That must take a long time to get ready in the morning. No, that's not on the diagram. Okay. I work for the company Holmes. Our motto is sharp ideas in weaponry. Good. The Ikea of sharp

weapons. See, we're sharp because we use knives. I get it. And blades. I wish that was the tagline. Cortex. I've heard that you have a lovely, lovely water bottle that you want to tell us about. I do. I do.

It's so pretty. Okay. Yeah. All the other girls are jealous of my water bottle. I've noticed. Yeah. It's the princess water bottle. Yay.

Cute. Yeah. It's categories food, health, and fitness. Oh, this is like a bootleg DVD. Like one of the bootleg knockoffs of The Little Mermaid, isn't it? Yeah. Princess water bottle is a fantastic adventure. Yeah. In copyright infringement. knock-offs of The Little Mermaid, isn't it? Yeah, Princess Water Bottle's a fantastic adventure.

In copyright infringement. My invention is a beautiful princess-shaped water bottle with a princess crown as the flip cap. Let me drink out of your head, Elsa. Remove the top of my head for nourishment.

No more drinking out of those Mrs. Butthole bottles The princess is wearing a Waterproof removable skirt Go on I'm falling down a creepy hole Go on I shall With a down a creepy hole. Go on. I shall, with a great guest go.

Okay, wonderful. I'll lean forward. A removable skirt that can be turned inside out to reveal another color so the princess can have a wardrobe change. I want a water ball that I can lift up the skirt from so I can see the water ball's panties. Thanks, dog! As a teacher, I have seen children pass up on drinking water to choose sugary juices and sodas instead. It must be because

of the bottle? I'm not that smart, apparently, for a teacher. Well, if because soda doesn't come in bottles, you see. Now our children will enjoy drinking water and also be entertained with changing their princess's wardrobe and parents will be happy their children are choosing to drink water and therefore be hydrated, happy, and healthy. See? Stog here likes it so much.

There is no other water bottle that even resembles this princess water bottle! Portfolio can be viewed here. Click on Are You a Guest? Guest User ID something. Wait, why is this in here? Anyway! So I like the idea, but do you have one that has the princess's feet on it? Do you have one that looks like Pamela Anderson?

Sure. Incidentally, that link doesn't go anywhere. No, it certainly doesn't. It does none of the links on this website. Also, it gave you a guest login, I guess? It's a password. Guys! I'm gonna tell you

about the hardcore lifting system yeah max those gains bro my product has been viewed 735 times oh yeah it's in the category of

protein farts here we go simple oh good alright the end that's my name put cheek on platform yeah okay what's what's a chic press bench cheek cheek. All women want to feel the raw strength of their man. Now they can. String assisted pylons eliminate the dangers of a failed lift. Adjustable grifts offer multiple degrees of rotation.

Keeping her off it is your problem. Even I want one. Oh my god, the financial information. Financial information? Motherfucker, did you just ask me about my financial information? Yeah, I did, sir. Okay, here we go. All you need is a dude and a cheek.

Plenty of them laying around everywhere. Oh, dear. I don't know if I can trust you. What's your name? My name is H. Muscle. Oh, God. Wait, I'm sorry, Jack Chick. Ask me that question again.

I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure if I could trust your name. What was your name again? My name is Humuscle. So he's invented bench-pressing women? Yep. He invented a bench-press to bench-press women. Where it's a benchpress except for

the part where the woman goes has a futon on top of it. Yeah, it's like a pink zebra print slab. Cushion. We don't need to go on that rollercoaster, baby. You can just go on the one we have at home.

It's also like, how would you get under that? I think he bought that and he was like, no, it's for bench-pressing women, I swear. I don't think that you could actually fit under that. You'd have to like, oh my god, that would be horrible. I am literally putting

my girlfriend up on a pedestal. John Toast? Another choice for you here. Ooh, I'm getting all the choices choice number one multi-purpose skin composition I mean

my skin only serves one function so I'd love to see it incorrect option number two in-vehicle drum simulator. Oh, brother. I gotta go with the in-vehicle drum simulator. Alright, bring up those beats, dog.

I've always wanted to be a drummer. It's what I've while driving, I assume. Yeah. Tell me about the in-vehicle drum simulator, please. Hey, everyone. I got the in-vehicle drum simulator, please. Hey, everyone. I got the in-vehicle drum simulator.

Cool. Oh, cool, man. This is a unique device that allows a driver or passenger to mix a drum beat with the music coming from the vehicle speakers. Cool. I hate music, too. Give this to the kids of your worst enemy and every car ride will be a nightmare. The problem with fucking goddamn classical music

is there's no dubstep drop. Another one. The primary objective of this invention is to provide a drum mixer that allows a passenger or driver to actively play along with the music. It is a touch-sensitive device that is located under the floor mats. The driver of the fucking vehicle doesn't need his feet for anything. Get him on Shark Tank.

He's gonna make a million. So you can drive and play DDR at the same time? Yeah, it's drive-drive revolution. Yeah, it's drive-drive revolution. Perfect. By simply taping a foot, and film it, send it to me. What am I taping my foot to?

Just upload the video, don't ask questions. Okay. The user is able to keep in time with music by adding a drum sound from low bass drum to a high crack or snare drum. I love the crack drum. The crack drum is a great one. It uses much the same technology as that of a karaoke device.

Another thing you use in the car so often. The exact fucking opposite of what a karaoke device does. Hey, that's why I said much. You know what NPR Morning Edition needs? karaoke device does. Hey, that's why I said much. You know what NPR Morning Edition needs? More drum fills. Yes, agreed.

I'm Carrie. Alex Jones. Wait, wait, wait. For many of us, enjoying music is enhanced by keeping time with the music. For the artist in many of us... Oh, sorry. Mm-hmm, yep. For the artist in many of us For the artist in many of us It allows the user to add his or her own drum beat

Or originality to any music This is the guy who goes to a fucking show And starts the like Hand clapping thing While looking to his left and right Come on everybody Hey Slayer I like your drum beats.

Want to watch mine? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. This is the guy who goes to Slayer and, like, fucking claps along. It is a first vehicle audio device that allows the operator to overlay percussive sounds onto an audio signal.

Oh, God. It can be made in many sizes and styles for any make or model of vehicles and trucks. Could you make one for the French horn? Because I need to do that when I drive too. Tuba for me, please. This patent

has never been sold or marketed or other pieces of intellectual property associated with my invention. So, uh... I'm... Yeah, yeah. So, Terry Eubanks, your invention is very stupid, but you have a diagram. Here's my major question.

Why did you start by going, oh yeah, obviously this goes in your car. Like, it wouldn't have to go in your car. That wasn't something you imposed upon it. It doesn't make sense. Why does your invention look like a CB radio anyway? I like how it occupies apparently a standard rack space. Look, all I know is that, you know, guys, you're knocking my invention, but I included both drum tones. Left bass and right treble.

Breaker, breaker, one nine. Check out this drum, Phil. It's also very important that the person driving looks over at the device to determine if he's clipping. Yeah. The peak audio. Because if I'm hooking up a drum, if I'm hooking up drum, drum revolution to my car I really don't want to peek out

I don't want it to sound bad okay Yeah exactly like am I clipping Or am I just terrible at the drums I can't tell Hey guys Hey Hey what's going on You sound like the guy who's the roommate of the last voice

I did Are you guys talking about, like, patents and stuff? Yeah, man. Oh, that's awesome. I have a patent. Can I tell you about my patent? Join us at the Drum Circle Patent Circle. Oh, fucking, I love a drum circle, dog.

Yeah. Okay, anyway, my name's Boreana, and, and like 738 motherfuckers have looked at this. Okay, so selling drinks, happy customers. Far out, man. That's what I've been doing wrong. Yeah, the category is ordering and selling methods. No. So, what was I talking about oh yeah um coca-cola and starbucks selling drinks with

people names that makes it very personal and loads of fun my idea is again personal with loads of fun oh okay oh okay i I'm with you. What else do you got? That's nice, but you can go back in the chill-out tent. What? What? Nothing. It's fine.

What's your financial information, weird guy? My financial information... Man, you took too hard. You're going too hard, man hard You're going too hard man You're going too hard My financial information Could agree for partnership or just cash I'll write your name on a drink

Pay me money Make an offer How about I offer to kick your ass out of my house? The picture... Dude, you're really harshing his buzz. Go back to Coca-Cola, corporate shill. Yeah, the picture for this invention is the two, like, giant Cokes with names on them. That's where I had the idea that names exist.

Put names on things. Maybe novelty license plate, maybe Coke. Just picture this burnout walking around at Walgreens and picking up a Coke. It's like, share a Coke with Gary? Whoa, I should share a Coke with Gary. That's a great idea. Portax? Yes, sir?

Which of these two things would you like to read about? Would you like to read about the hammer handle? Oh, boy. Or would you like to read about the mother of all brushes? Oh, good. Well, I think I could possibly make use of the mother of all brushes. All right. We are reinventing the wheel, guys.

Her giant clutch of eggs from which all other brushes originate. One brush to unite them. Quick spoiler here, by the way, the hammer handle actually came up from a previous inventor. Oh, did it? Yeah, because I navigated there earlier.

I am Daenerys Stormborn, the unburnt and mother of all brushes. Little CG brushes flying around. I don't get it. Go on. I've invented the mother of all brushes. Finally. Category brushware.

Lawn and garden. And, you know it, boating. Oh. Yeah. Is that like and, you know it, boating. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Two-in-one toilet... Is that like software for your brush, or is that like lingerie for your brush?

Obviously the latter. Oh, okay. I need my toilet brush to be sexy. I'm glad that, you know, I want it to be tasteful, though. Tastefully sexy. No brush sluts in this house.

No brush sluts. No brush sluts. You're not scrubbing the toilet looking like that. I am your mother of all brushes. What will the neighbors think? So, two-in-one toilet brush, uniquely designed, makes for easy cleaning around the toilet seat hinges. The mother of all brushes. How big is your toilet?

It doesn't need to go into boating. Boat shits are huge. Have you seen them? My financial information, the two-in-one detailed toilet brush, patent-issued, whoever gives a shit, is the only one of its type on planet Earth. Right, that makes sense,

because all other brushes are only one brush, and your brush is two brushes. Except for, oh, the brush that I have downstairs is two and one, but other than that, there's literally no other brushes. Then you stole my idea, you asshole! Sorry about that, I shouldn't have admitted that. Lemon, you have the mother

of all brushes? No, don't go to him, he's a false prophet! I'm the only mother of all brushes! No, don't go to him! He's a false prophet! I'm the only who is the mother of all brushes! No, it's me! I'm the mother of all brushes! Me! Well, I'll have to wear these outfits now that we use the mother of all brushes.

I have one or two rituals I would like you to do, please. Lemon did go and clean the toilet and it was good. No, it kind of wasn't. Now let us all sing from the Bible. Sing from the Bible? With its unique...

Wow, you went to weird churches, dog. Hey, you go to one Baptist church, you went to them all. That's... In fairness, being baptized in a toilet might explain a few things about Stog. And then we render

unto Stog the baptismal swirly. Alright, let's fucking read more of this. I'm gonna be beat up in school. With its... Whatever. With its uniquely built-in design, it can be applied to a variety of other brushes. It can just consume them and make them one of their own. Such as scrub brushes, paint brushes, wire brushes that could have more than one button. What?

And brushes that are used to wash heavy machinery. Doll Jesus! What? And brushes that are used to wash heavy machinery. Doll Jesus! What? Doll Jesus! It's just a giant brush Hydra. What? Doll Jesus! This is a Jesus doll!

Soft like a pillow, cuddly stuff, no movable parts, washable, soft, perfect for christenings, babies, gifts, or for using caskets by people in the industry. 12 by 14, suitable for the caskets by people in the industry. 12 by 14. Suitable for the Rio games. Same as Rio Jesus. What? I'm converting from brush to this guy. Financial information.

How is it going to fit in the casket if it's got its arms out like that? I don't care. Financial information. It has been marketed in the USA, the Vatican, and magazine in Rome And I'm seeking outright sale or other creative offers Make me an offer Outright And when you scroll down the page You see something that looks like an anime body pillow

But with Jesus It totally is Oh dear Jesus wearing a v-neck too I think he's Like I know he's supposed to be doing like the Jesus arm motion but it looks more like What the fuck

He has little tiny arms Alright Jack Chick Alright Jack Chick third time's the charm Here we go Hey Jack Chick Hey I would like to make millions of dollars. Do you have any way that I could make millions of dollars? I do have a way you could make millions of dollars.

Oh, thank God. Is it related to this website at all? I hope I'm doing this right. Yes, it's related to this website. You can make millions with this t-shirt saying, exclamation point, it is copyrighted. That's a good saying. Okay.

This is in the category human necessities. That's why I... And other... T-shirt slogans fall within Maslow's hierarchy of needs pretty much at the beginning. Food, shelter, t-shirts. Well, without t-shirt sayings, how else would

bitches know to make me a sandwich? And they know stupid's there, but they don't know I'm with them. Lemon, you need to keep calm and carry on. Shut up. We're all just taking a Shut up. Oh my god. We're all just taking a crack at the shitty joke pie

and we're all just grabbing a slice. You're welcome. Need to sell ASAP! Only $3,000 USD or best offer. This saying is protected by copyright laws! Okay, go on.

Sell thousands of t-shirts slash bumper stickers with this saying. Music lyrics collection including Nadia's saying also for sale email with any inquiries. Was that your saying? Yeah, that's pretty catchy. Can we sell that on the site? 200 bumper stickers were made. This saying was sent to me back in the 1980s by my sister, who is now deceased. Oh.

I had it copyrighted in 2006 in a collection that included lots of her music lyrics. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I have the copyrighted collection that includes her eight songs and this one saying. Okay. Is the song like this saying? Was that like it was a Kesha sort of thing or just like a repetition of the one saying?

Her saying goes, you're not worth the brain cell it takes to generate the thought of getting pissed off. Wow, that is fucking catchy, dude. And it's the wrong your too, so that's, it's dude. And it's the wrong yore, too, so that's... It's the best. Where's the beef? This saying will sell millions of T-shirts slash bumper stickers and make millions of dollars. Well, then do it already, you lazy son of a dickhead. I've been trying since 2006. No, he needs to patent the idea of copywriting a thing and then selling it.

He will make millions. This copyrighted saying is for sale for $3,000. Here we go. Please contact me by email. You can use the button below to contact me absolutely is that is did you patent that can i use that for a patent or well no because then the button would be like click here to make the contact you're not worth the click it takes to click this button to send the email to me. Oh, Iceburn. Oh my god. That is a terrible,

terrible bumper sticker. Will you read that expression again? You're not worth the brain cell it takes to generate the thought of getting pissed off! So good. So good. It's a shame that we're gonna get sued because we read that out loud twice.

Even though it's clearly copyrighted. Oh, do I need to read it again? Yeah, I think you do. I think you do. Please do. You're not worth the brain cell it takes to generate the thought of getting pissed off. And also, she mentions that this lyric has been used in songs before.

Oh, yeah. Was that the chorus? You're not worth the brain cell it takes to generate the thought of getting pissed off. It's a Morrissey song. I have not forgiven Jesus for that saying. Did you patent the sentence structure

of that phrase? Because it's going to be worth a million. I did. They actually include the apostrophe in the bumper sticker. Yeah, they did it right on the bumper sticker. John, where do you usually mount your tongue, or mount your mouth? That's hardly appropriate.

I see we have entered into jack-chick territory. What I meant to ask you is, where do you usually mount your mouthbrush? Wherever he mouth feels like it. If you have to know. I do. I do have to know. I have to know.

It's on the tongue-mounted mouthbrush. Oh, boy. I usually just mount my brush on my incisors. Me too. Oh, this is other health design patents. Okay. Okay. It enables the user to brush inside of mouth while on the go.

It does, does it? It promotes good oral hardening habits. The unit is easily disposable. Much like you. Just like my unit. Also usable as an adult novelty item. Ew!

Whoa, fuck, don't tell anyone about that. Yeah, I'm gonna brush your pussy! I'm gonna jam a Swiffer down my throat and suck your dick! Hey, I'll brush your pussy! I'm gonna comb your... I'm gonna comb your pussy hair. How about combing your pussy hair?

You guys are all so fucking disgusting. Clearly he's talking about combing your... or brushing your fucking feet. I'm so sorry for some reason i thought that sex meant genitals but obviously i mean no it clearly fucking doesn't okay go on the unit consists of a conical sleeve composed of a non-latex material. Uh-huh. To operate, user slips the sleeve over the tongue and moves it around to clean and massage teeth, gums, and the interior of cheeks. Oh, so it's an asshole brush, too.

You're an asshole brush. Oh! Oh, bird! The mother of asshole brushes. Could also be used on one's partner to enhance pleasure. Yeah, we got that. The interior of cheeks. Holy shit, is there a toothbrushing fetish?

I'm sure there is. There is now. I think maybe Amy could tell you more about that. But meanwhile, we're going to talk about the Men's Penis Cleaner. I could tell you about how it's producible in a variety of colors and flavors, such as mint.

Mint, the color. I'm Rebecca. I'm Rebecca. Hey, Mark. So the Men's penis cleaner, it is in the category of health and cleaning devices. It's going to be 540 times. Put your penis

in it! No. I'm not putting my penis in your fucking invention. Put your penis in it! Alright. Clomp, clomp, clomp. Click. Put your penis in it! No! This isn't one of those chinese penis traps is it this exercise you won't know until you put your penis in it no i'm not doing any such thing put your penis in it cleans it for those nasties who can't clean their selves without any hygiene problems or hospital visits scratch all that stay clean with this penis cleaner I made.

I'm looking to sell or get royal tice. Give me a call or email. Ask for Michael. Just ride naked on a unicycle through a car wash. It'll be fine. Hey, are you two shitty to take a shower every now and so often? Instead, you should ram your dick into this fucking cleaner thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So if you scroll down, you'll see that the drawing of the cleaner is a fleshlight. If the fleshlight was made by the Unreal Engine. It's got a lot of glowing lights and wavy colors. It's a shame you didn't actually link to that part of it, or else we wouldn't know. Oh, I didn't. Alright, well, then I... Shut up.

How many gnarly healing fruits does it have? God damn it. Oh my god! Oh dear. It looks like something from Saw. Anyway, Portax, what do you have instead? What do I have instead? Let's check this out.

Holy shit, this guy is a bunch of... Oh dear. Oh dear. This is from the same person that made the penis cleaner. Okay, yeah.

For a change of pace, we have women's medicated odor-etter undies. Ew. Odor-etter. Undice. Undice. My medicated underwear has a medicated layer

plus sucks the odor out Save all thoughts hospital visit and pains Get this Alright I guess I gotta get it Alright You got me In looking to sell or get royal ties Give me a call or e.mail.ask

For my kill So medicated Underwear So it's odor eater underwear Ask for my kill! So medicated underwear. So it's odor-eater underwear. Judging from the crayon drawing, it looks like a yield sign you stick on your cooter. Right. So I think it would be like underwear made out of asbestos?

Is that the general idea? Yeah, why not? I'd like to point out a crucial detail. You have to turn your head sideways to see this is the way he took the picture. But he made sure to write MC along the waistband, you know, for Mike Curiel. Oh, sure. You know, brand name. Doctor, we've got a patient in the emergency room. It's about her pussy.

It stank. My pussy stank! Put some otorhinus on my pussy! Jesus Christ. My pussy bee stank. John, what do you have from the very same guy? Hi, I'm Mike Curiel, too. Bugger nose cleaner scooper brush.

Yay. It's a booger brush scooper. Bugger Nose Cleaner Scooper Brush. Yay. It's a booger brush scooper for those who can't ever get out brush. It out soft bush in soft scoop. Who got it? I got it. Who got it? I got the gold.

So you shove a toothbrush up your nose? Yeah, it looks like it. It's a toothbrush with a tail. Oh my god. Ask for Michael. Okay. Just call any number that you see. Ask for Michael.

I have a number of questions I want to ask Michael. Jack-Jack, did you find something? I did! So, this is the Baby W onesie okay so obviously this one is a little confusing so i'm gonna go into it a little more detail thank you it's a womb onesie that puts babies to sleep that's all i gotta say spakes for itself sure it does and then there's a drawing that looks kind of like a uterus with MC at the bottom. Yeah, you trademarked a uterus. Congratulations.

Basically, you've got a onesie with a Bluetooth speaker in the middle of it. That'll put babies to sleep. Well, that didn't seem like a very good invention, but my invention is good. It's the Baby Night Womb Blanket. It's a soft plush blanket with a womb sound and light made in the blanket waterproof makes the baby feel good going to sleep. Are you filling the

baby with? I'm looking to sell or get royalties. Give me a call. Ask for Michael. Ask for Michael? Ask for Michael. Since he spelled it W-H-O-O-M I'm assuming womb sound is just like lightsaber sound effects.

Womb. Womb. I was just imagining that it played Wump, there it is, and he misspelled womb. Here, here, baby. Here, now you can go to sleep. Here's a blanket. Tag team, back again. Check it, direct it, let's begin.

It's like baby ice. Louder! Nothing helps babies go to sleep like Jock James. check out Directed. Let's begin. It's like Baby Einstein. Louder! Nothing helps babies go to sleep like Jock Jams. Baby Einstein Jock Jams. Here, you want some candy? Have a talking Tootsie Roll. Cotton candy sweet and joe.

All right. Oh, boy. So this document that Montreux gave us is 44 pages long. Of course. I love all of them. So I am trying to skip, but then it's very genuinely kind of hard to skip most of these.

But okay, here we go. Portax, will you tell me about the Susie Slammet? Oh, my God? Oh my god. Oh dear. Sure, I'll tell you about the Susie Slammet. What category is the Susie Slammet in? It's in everyone's favorite category of anything. Other.

We don't know what kind of grab bag of goodies this is going to be. I do. That scares me. My name is Justin Manso. Cause man, so crazy. And here we have the next hot sex toy.

The Susie Slam It. Oh no. This universal suction cup adult toy mount is going to fly off the shelves Oh, that's not safe. Faster than the Sibian or the Bon Bon ever have. It's a rocket-powered sex toy, then.

It'll seek out its target like the spear in Phantasm. And drill into them. Oh, dear. This Benoit ball finds butts. I was thinking it's like calling the Sword of Omens. It just flies through the air. You should have called it the

Heat-Seeking Moisture Missile. The Susie Slamet has a few features the competition is lacking. When thinking of a new toy for my wife and I to have fun with, buying the Bon Bon came to mind. But I thought to myself, I can make a love slash sex pillow better than the

Bon Bon or the Sibian. You keep looking at the Sibian. Oh, okay, so the bonbon is just like a pillow with a dildo on it okay gotcha why did they call it the pildo damn it no one they've already that's they already sell that that's a dildo with a pill in it grandma you gotta take your medication oh gross oh that's let's look for that patent on. Oh, that's awful. Let's look for that patent on this site.

Lemon, that's gross. Grandma should not take pills. Oh, I forgot you're a Christian site. I keep telling you. Good. I wanted it to be universal so the customer can use all their own suction cup toys. You know, like Virgil the Drippy Dragon. so the customer can use all their own suction cup toys.

You know, like Virgil the Drippy Dragon. The mount at the top is hand-formed hard plastic with excess overhanging plastic molded to the contour of the top of the mount, allowing max grip to any suction cup toy. Oh, boy. Okay, okay, okay, sure. Also included on the plastic mount are clitoral stimulating bumps in the shape of an S. Why?

Why in the shape of an S. Why? Why in the shape of an S? For sexy! It's super fan sex toy. Because as we all know, clitorises are in the shape of an S. For increased pleasure. Oh, see, he explained it. We're all idiots.

Inside of the molded plastic is a five-function bullet. What? Tell me where the money is. Tell me where the money is. Turning any planned suction toy into a vibrator. Remote is outside the pillow. Oh, well, that's convenient. What?

What? What? Yeah. The pillow is a custom half-circle shape made from firm foam. Oh, well, that's convenient. What? What? Yeah. The pillow is a custom half-circle shave made from firm foam, designed to take abuse from a bouncing 300-pound individual. Ah. Oh, boy. Ah.

Ooh. Hey, Portex. So, basically from Baby Huey. Hey, Portex, by which I mean Susie. Susie 911. Call the police please That's a cry for help Oh my god

Is it true that the market research has already been done on the Susie Slamet Edit point but yes I'm glad that the market research has already been done on the Susie Slamet The market research has already been done for the Susie Slamet. Yeah, the market... Okay. The market research has already been done for the Susie Slamet. Thanks to our good old buddies, Sibian and the Bon Bon.

You know, the Waldorf and Statler. The market research has already been done in that other products exist. Yeah. Herbert's will buy anything. Just trust me. The world... That's what market research is, right? Yeah.

McDonald's is a really popular restaurant, and also I made a hamburger. I went to a porn shop once, and it was educational. The world is ready for this great invention to come into their lives. And make their relationships go to the next level of pleasure.

This product is ready to be mass produced and sold in your stores and on you websites. All you websites out there. On you websites. All you websites. That website knows what I'm talking about. All you websites, lift all your hands up. Susie Slamet has the potential to be your flagship product. Who is he talking to?

Like, anyone? Like, us? The Disney Corporation? I think he's talking to Kraft Foods. Velveeta Susie Slammits. And bring your company to another level. So it's like those gimmicky, like, oh, we'll put your logo on anything. Or keep your company at number one.

I'm a 27-year-old veteran, husband, and father of two beautiful girls, and wish to make their lives better with my invention. Oh, good. You're going to have your two beautiful girls. Oh, dear. Oh, God. I'd say beautiful girls. I'm not just whistling this.

I fell back down that creepy hole again. Yep. Why don't they put a railing around it? Because it's the internet and it hates boundaries. My contact information is very provided, so that

way you can call the cops on my ass. My financial information. I'm looking for someone, anyone, or a company to buy my patent and prototype for a lump sum of money and a small percentage of royalties from future sales of a finished product. All negotiable! I bet it is.

Alright, the very last thing that we're going to read from this document. I love it so much. Stog? Yes? I want you to tell me about the superior cure against schism, open parentheses, split, close parentheses, in the friend, open parentheses, psyche, close parentheses.

Uh, I'll give it a shot. Good. I'm not sure. Well, that's all you can promise. Just give it a shot. Yeah, I'll give it a try. Look, okay, so this is Superior Cure against Schism split

in the Friend of Psyche, so it's like a seven-inch split album. Oh, okay. As most things are. I'm sure the Melvins are involved somehow. Yeah. Melvins are always involved in this.

Anyway, how many mortal diseases does mankind know of? Five. Four. Ah, okay. I think five is,

yeah, I think five is right. Yep. Five is a good number. Earth, fire, air, water, and heart. Yeah. Good. Good.

Now Toast's turn to make the shit joke. Thanks a bunch. Good. Yay! Thanks, Toast. You're welcome. How many humans that many deaths?

Ten. And what is common for all those deaths? Me. Quick pause, dog. Tilt your microphone up just a little bit. Sorry about that. Okay, do you want me to start over? Nope, keep going.

Okay. The fatal epilogue equals life is lost equals life is given away. Yep. And how do humans most dearly give their life away? Bungee jumping accidents. Self-sacrifice to a cause they believe in? Yeah, like I said, bungee jumping accidents. Oh, yeah, of course.

That's something to believe in. Look, those are all good answers, but they give their life away via sinful sex until pregnancy and because life is Eden. Yeah, that's correct. It's this kind of post. Yay. All right, Stock, speed it up, please. Okay, one, one. Once you've given it away, you have lost it for good. You're obligated to loose it via fatal death until rotten sea. And Archangel the Lawnmower Man will come to pick it up in the first

excitation when he's got the time for it. Oh, my. Wait, Job? Job is the archangel? Oh, my God. Commissioner Gordon, get me Kumquat's out on the line. I didn't know that the Archangel was made out of shitty CGI. That's interesting.

What has Newton Poton to do with it? Well, it's Newton Poton, but a second. Well, the term gravity is actually derived from pull of E.T.'s grave. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the origin. The origin. Okay.

By the way, if you didn't know that E.T. was dead already, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to break the news to you this way. I'm pulling on it. And Mkaku says, why should the aliens have all the fun? Come on, human in the grave. Come on, come on. E.T., E.T., in the grave. Come on, come on. E.T. E.T. be the next.

Oh, I swear. To draw the Star of David, you need to put Eden 1. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, my God. I love crazy people so much. You need to put Eden.

Yep. Eden 1 under Koran root with Karatness degree 6, where 4 of the roots are plus slash negative 1 times divided negative i squirt brackets 3. No, it's squirtle. Squirtle. It's squirtle in LeetSpeak. Squirtle in LeetSpeak.

This is a very complicated Python programming technique. Divided by two, because if you had the full of that, that wouldn't be powerful enough. Yeah, but you need to close the parentheses first. So it's plus divided by negative one, plus divided by negative I, squirtle, close parentheses, divided by two. And when you get that answer, it'll read, Eden I tripod, Quran, all of it in schism on two

because God never revels himself in single manifesto. Yeah. He never. He never does that. He never does that. One thing you know for sure about God, never reveling himself in a single manifesto. Yeah. He's always the real versus the imaginary.

The inner versus the outer. The individual versus the collective. My saying is, to be schism in the friend is the next best thing to overwhelm and deal with all the opposite beastie dualities in nature. You should copyright that slogan. It's just great. He's the wacky neighbor. We can put it on a bumper sticker, we'll make millions. Schizophrenia is not disability.

It is a gift from God. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I understand this post a lot more now. In the confines of an F+, participant, I kind of agree. So F+, what did we... You know what? I gotta say. Looking through the document here, Montreth said,

I'm taking a break here in case you wanted to divide this document in half. And Montreth, I'm taking you up on that because yeah, I think I do. I think I do. I think I do. I'm having fun. But F+, what do you think we learned from this? Oh, man.

I learned that everyone, and I mean everyone, capitalizes random words for no fucking reason. Every single one of these that were submitted by completely different people on this website all capitalized random as fuck words. Why do they do that? You don't do that. Why do they do? It's supposed to lend, like, importance to the thing that you're saying. No, that's not how you do words.

I mean, I would say that, like, a lot of copywriters are guilty of that. Like, a lot of billboards just have, like, title case for no good reason. Why all these people do it? They can't even write a sentence, but they still all do it! Hey, look, poor Tex. If I just say invention, not that impressed, right? But what if I told you that had a capital I on it? Ooh! See?

See? I-invention. So, look, what I learned is that I think idiots think that legalese is just typing a bunch of words all at once. Like just typing as many words as you can. Because it's obvious so many of these were trying to do the blocks of text they've seen on actual patents of legalese. And it's like, oh, legalese is just whatever words I can find in the dictionary. Just throw them at my computer screen.

So I was trying to think about that app at the beginning where they uh talk about like leaving your child in the car thing yeah because that's an actual like problem like that was a guy who there is a thing where some parents accidentally leave their kids in cars and then the kids die and it's tragic that is tragic but it almost seems like an endemic problem that's not solved by an app is the thing yeah well that's my point is an app is the thing. Yeah, well, that's my point. That was the only one where the guy was actually trying to solve a problem. Whereas all the rest of these are like, yeah, I made some dumb shit, now I'm trying to sell it.

I mean, okay, asshole that likes to brush his teeth with his hand like a caveman. I'm using my tongue for that. So much better. Yeah, I mean, we've done... I would say, in the course of this podcast, we've probably done four or five invention-focused episodes, and it is always surprising. The baseline level of ignorance that all the sites seem to function on. Because it's like...

It's not like there's a whole bunch of super cool smart shit, and then there's, like, weird stuff, like, around the fringes. Like, most of this is that. You know what I mean? Yeah. But this site, it's just so amazing how much it stretches the idea of a patent. It's not even like, oh, I'm patenting so I can only sell this invention. It's like, oh, the invention of being schizophrenic?

The invention of a blanket existing? A blanket with a Bluetooth speaker. That's a good invention. A blanket with a Bluetooth speaker. That's a good invention. Well, one of the things that is about this, too, is that, like, you know, they... In a lot of cases, they actually have, like, an actual filed patent, right?

For, like, whatever silly thing that they have. But that's... Getting the patent actually filed and a number on it is one thing, but that doesn't mean that much. Like, your patent doesn't actually mean anything until you actually have to defend it in a lawsuit. And I don't think a lot of these would make it through that stage.

I don't know what you're implying at all. Yeah, dude, come on. The website, as always, thefpl.us and if you are looking to Explore the depths of human stupidity You can do that on Idiots.win

Yay! That is idiots.win It is a site that I made Also with a great amount of help from Montreth And it is a gamification Of the Google Autocomplete But without ads for Clash for Clans Hey guys, I have an idea And it is a gamification of the Google autocomplete.

Hey, guys. But without ads for Clash of Clans. Hey, guys, I have an idea. It's a website called B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. It'll be a forum for this podcast. I'm patenting it and I'm going to sell it. Oh, my God, that's so great. Buy it from me. I have a patent on accounts for that and everyone has to pay $10.

I patented putting it on a pillow. I patented talking about video games on a forum. Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'm going to make some money. I patent to talk about video games on a forum. Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'm gonna make some money. I patent to say goodbye. Ooh, Jesus Christ hat drift, so shake em. I ain't got none, but I'm planning on growing some. Imagine all the Hebrews dancing on top

of chariots and turning tight ones. Ooh, tell me when to go. Talking on my getro on my way to the south. My second or third trip. Some Henny, some Swishers, and some Listerine strips.