The F Plus - 221: Specialty Wankers

Episode Date: July 21, 2016

The Internet is frequently looking to expand the scope of human knowledge, and My Masturbation is a site doing that in a unique way. Offering hundreds of unique masturbation suggestions for both men and women, reading this site turned out to be way grosser than any of us were prepared for. In fact, this very nearly didn't end up getting released as an episode at all, until the raw files were dumped onto ballp.it and Djeser saved it from oblivion. This week, Nutshell's neighbors can hear us.

Hi, I'm Jesser, and this is an F-plus episode about a site called My Masturbation. It almost wasn't an episode. Not because it's a gross site, but because Nutshell Gulag's audio cut out partway through the recording. But that's fixed now, so... you're welcome? Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No! Yay! Oh! Ah! Oh, ah, oh, oh no, oh no, oh no. No, no, no, no. Yay! Oh, ah, oh, fuck!

Fuck! No! Oh! Oh, this is some Stephen Cue shit. Because it's easy once you know how it's done. You can't stop now, it's already begun. You feel it, but you do it. This is the F Plus Podcast, a immediately interesting but then suddenly depressing place for terrible things, right with enthusiasm.

In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. What I do is I lube up my hard dick and put a latex glove on my lubed cock. Then I masturbate. Jack Chick. I usually aim my cum at food. Popcorn is the best. Dog!

This is for all the small cock people out there. Nutshell Gulag. The sound of Nutshell Gulag speaking. And lemon. I usually masturbate after a bath. Why? Can I join your club, guys? No!

Guys, I take baths. When I take baths, I'm fully nude. So, hey, pretty burby, right? You're gross! Oh, come on, man! Stop calling me gross with that carrot sticking out of your right foot hey yeah hello hi hello what can you all tell me about um 19th century european history uh 19th century specifically yes which region probably a horrible place to live

horrible place to live okay i mean any any live? Okay. I mean, any other thoughts? Like, is there any sort of, like, metaphor you could draw from that period in history to like, where we're living now? That's a really complex and interesting question, Lemon. Alright. Well, while you're thinking about that, let me talk about the

actual topic of this episode, which is masturbation! Yay! Now, uh, the F+,ation! Yay! Now, the F Plus as a podcast has covered the subject of masturbation over and over and over again. I don't think we've done it in every episode.

We haven't done it in every episode. But what we're doing now is still a departure from things that we've done, where we've talked about communities around pornography or communities around sex toys. But this is... Ball destruction. Ball destruction.

I don't know that that counts. Imagine your favorite. Lift and carry fetish. Yes, exactly. I'm saying, I'm saying, it's something that we've done. But this time, we're going to be looking at the self-help community of masturbation. Yay! So, we're going to a site called MyMasturbation.com, and I'm going to show that all to you right now.

Okay. And, boy, you're about to click on something really good. Oh, my God. Wow. Yes. For listeners at home, just spend a quick second, open up an incognito window, go to mymasturbation.com, and be treated by 1988's best in web development. Why is there so much secrecy about masturbation?

But yeah, this is a community where people share their stories and expertise and tips into masturbation. It's a concept that we all vaguely understand, but the actual

mechanics of it, very complicated. It's cloaked in mystery. Right, right, right. Nobody's really figured out all sort of like vaguely understand but the actual mechanics of it very complicated mystery right right right right nobody's really figured out the way to do it correctly yet no that's true why we keep on trying though so i think we're actually going to start uh with um this link right here which is a male masturbation.com slash mail slash porn. And, Boots, if you'll start us off here, you want to tell us that you're wanking

now, is that right? I am? You are. You're wanking now. Hi, I'm wanking now. It's Canada Day, so I need to celebrate. Absolutely. Looking at all those pictures of the queens on all your money. I am wanking now. Well, it's Canada Day, so I need to celebrate. Absolutely. And what better way...

Looking at all those pictures of the queens on all your money. What better way than to pull out a $20 bill? I love to wank. If I'm bored, I will wank. I am wanking now, after reading all the amazing ways to wank on this site. I have wanked in front of many old girlfriends and enjoyed it. So did they.

However, one day I would like to wank in front of a man. Not to have intercourse, just to have an experience. Oh man, already we're here. Okay. Happened very fast. Usually this is like

seven minutes into the episode. You reached the peak, no homo. Not to have intercourse, just to have an experience and watch each other and come hard. Yep, yep. I like to look up porn sites. You can come hard or you can go home.

I like to look up porn sites or read a porno mag then pull my dick hard. But also, I like to see how long it can last. And I love wanking outside. Great! You're a good person. Yeah, there's nothing like the feel of fresh air on your dick for sharing your story there

so are you all ready for liftoff I don't know sure I masturbate by first lying in bed thinking nasty images of other men masturbating once I am semi hard I put my

dick through the boxer's short hole and let it stand while I'm sitting in my computer chair. As opposed to the boxer long hole. Uh-huh. So semi-hard, you're in your computer chair, you thread the dick through the... Okay, gotcha.

Then I look at pictures of men masturbating on the internet. Which you've already mentally prepared yourself for. He looks for pictures of men who are masturbating on the internet? Yes. He looks for pictures of men who are masturbating on the internet. Pornhub live feeds. Specifically, it's recursive masturbation.

I can't come into work today. I have to prepare to jerk off to men. On the internet. Yeah. Which gets my cock out of control? coming to work today, I have to prepare to jerk off to men. On the internet. Which gets my cock out of control! This cock's out of control! I masturbate until I am ready to come,

and then once I come, I continue to masturbate until I start making sexy noises like, aww, aww, That was very sexy, thank you. Now I have to masturbate. I like the use of quadruple quotes for those, too. I am ready for liftoff.

I could masturbate all day. I just love the way my nine-inch cock feels in my hand when I go up and down. I'm so glad I bought it. I'm bad from the elevator. Really? once i can't jerk off anymore i go back to my bed chest down and start moving up and down like i am fucking a woman wildly my cock is hard and is ready to lift off oh no i sit masturbating moving my body back and forth in the chair oh yes

well that's it I'm done I'm done bye Nachelle it was great so F plus what did we learn sorry you had to lift off wow that was really gross So F+, what did we learn today? Sorry, you had to lift off. Wow, that was really gross.

That was horrible. All right. So that was in the male porn category. We're going to be going from there to the male ice category. There are many, many, many categories of different ways to masturbate, both for men and women. And this is the ice section. So, Nutshell, if you'll take Shiver Me Timbers, please. Okay, hold on a second.

Shiver Me Timbers. All right. Should I do the pirate voice or just read it straight? It is titled Shiver Me Timbers. Alright. Should I do the pirate voice or just read it straight? I mean, it is titled Shiver Me Timbers. I think that... Cool. Okay. Shiver Me Timbers! Oh god!

Now I have to get ready for round two. I bury my dirty underwear on a desert island. I feel like by the end of this episode we're going to be able to populate an F list for Lemon.

Sixteen men coming on a biscuit. Make sure you're hard. Place your balls on a tray of ice so they are nice and cold. While your balls are on the tray of ice, take a roll of paper towels and loop up the cardboard inside. Oh god, no.

Don't do that. Do anything but that. Grab towels firmly and stoke until finished. I'm so fucking stoked. Not sure exactly what the ice does, but it helps me shoot big loads. Is this This Ain't a Christmas Story?

Cardboard and ice. Yeah, that sounds like something great to put on your penis. It's really a classic facet of the modern porn movie is when they put their balls on an ice cube tray and masturbate with a paper towel. It's getting to be where I'm just bored of it.

I usually skip past that part. I mean, it's hot and all, but I've seen it so many times. Yeah, exactly. I'm just fucking over it. Can we get something else? Maybe even like, you know, toilet paper? The series really, really dropped off after I saw my ball six. This guy's garbage collection is just one bag full of

paper towels that haven't been unraveled once but they've just been wasted Boots what do you have? I have icy goodness okay goodness you say alright

just fitting a few ice cubes into your anus chills the prostate and gives the most intense orgasm i've ever had in my life you know i'm gonna just have to take your word for that i you put it glad putting it in your anus gives me the most orgasm i've ever had well then you've never had a great orgasm. Sorry about that. I've been cock-blocking you this whole time. Don't worry. I got you covered boots.

No, it's still me. So, ice is nice. Get an ice cube. Then, slowly slide it up and down the dong. Double quotes. In the parlance of our times. I call it the penis.

Penis. This may be cold at first but it will feel fine in a bit. By a bit I mean like an hour later? It's very important to have frostbite on your penis. Once sensation returns, it'll feel great. I like to get frostbite on my dick. Stop, please. It's dong.

Get a mini-powered fan and set it on a table so that it blows at your cock. This will give it a wonderful, sensational eruption! Have a nice explosion! No, don't say that! A nice explosion! Have a nice explosion.

Look, that's great and all, but I've got an even better idea. I call this the cool touch in a hot day, okay? So first, get a plastic bag and place it in the freezer for half an hour until it gets cold. Strip. Semicolon. I love being naked when I jack off. Okay.

Lube up your cock with a mixture of Vaseline and toothpaste. What? What? What? Wait, wait. The toothpaste stings. It feels great. No! with a mixture of Vaseline and toothpaste. What? What? What? Wait, wait. The toothpaste stings. It feels great.

No! Yes! Then you whip out your toothbrush, start brushing your... I brush my cock teeth every morning and every evening. Oh, no! And then wrap the cold plastic bag around your rock... What? He's going to choke out his own dick.

Yeah. I got to do dick asphyxiation. Okay. You got to wrap the cold plastic bag around your rock hard utensil. Of course. Of course. It's a good euphemism. And then what's the next thing you do? Then insert a

small spoon. Actual utensil? What? Yeah. Actual utensil. Just insert a small spoon, but make sure it is cold and then you insert it up your ass. Oh no! How small does a spoon have to be? Like, really small.

Like, you know one of those souvenir... Demi-toss! Oh, okay. You know one of those souvenir spoons you get from museums? Go with that. Fuck that, I'm using a ladle. Have fun fitting that up your ass. What do we do next?

Then you pump away. With the spoon? No, with the bag. You're assuming it doesn't say that anywhere. It's so complicated. There's so many props. It's like a fucking Carrot Top show now. This is fantastic on a hot day,

but any time works great. The coldness on your cock make you want to pump faster and faster. So I really want this guy to get a girlfriend and then be like, hey, do you want to masturbate together? And then he fucking busts out the glass bag and the spoon fucking and the spoon guys hey baby i'm minty fresh hang on hang on i gotta go get the toothpaste hold on let me put this plastic bag in the

freezer i'll be a half hour so hey you know i think everything's gonna go in pretty well so like kind of like what are you into uh The judge told me not to answer that question. Guys, I have an important update right now. I have an important update about this. Yeah. I am stiff now just thinking about this. Yay! Fantastic!

There's your update. Goodbye! So, this document was provided to us by spooks and uh thank you so much spooks for this thank you spooks uh really enjoyable uh there's a whole bunch of masturbation tips uh but so far we have only been reading uh tips from the right side of the website and i think we should read some tips from the left side of the website. That is the female masturbation side. So, in a nutshell, I'd like you to choose where we go here.

I'm going to give you two options. They both involve the clit. Oh, goody. So, what's the best way to stimulate a clitoris? Is it using an electric toothbrush on it? Or is it hitting it?

Bad click. Did I say I was going? Because I'm going now. Oh, shit. Don't you mean that you're coming? No. No. No, no.

Jesus Christ. Okay. Toothbrush. No, no. Jesus Christ. Okay. Toothbrush. All right. Toothbrush. We are going to mymasturbation.com slash females slash toothbrush hyphen clit. Right. Great.

Great. Oh, hey. I forgot about incognito mode. There's so many of these. Yep. Oh, my God. So did I. So did I.

So, I think you should start off with Buzz Off, if you would, please. All right. Okay. What's all that trepidation in your voice? Fine. I like to sit in the shower and let the hot water go. Jesus Christ, I hope none of my neighbors

can hear this. What? I like to sit in the shower. That's normal. Let me just make sure there's nobody walking by my apartment or anything. Welcome to the F Plus Podcast where we'll embarrass your neighbors.

Okay. The F Plus Podcast for neighbors. I like to sit in the shower and let the hot water run on my tits. That's fine. That's pretty normal. Yep.

Oh, no. What? Oh, no! That's not weird. You're sitting in the shower. First of all, of course the hot water is running on your tits.

It would be hard to avoid it. Then I take my Venus razor and shove it in my pussy, pulling it in and out. Okay, that's weird now. Now that's weird. Oh, gross. I think we can assume it's the handelund.

I... Still. But the thing is, is that I looked at a Google image search The Venus razor is just like a regular ass razor So I don't understand At that point It's not special at all

You gotta take this razor And you gotta shove it in your pussy I'm sure they appreciate the brand name shoutout Oh yeah absolutely Actually this is a paid promotion We finally made of guns. That's guerrilla marketing. All right, once I've done that,

then I take my electric toothbrush and put it on my clit. I sit there for a minute thinking about fucking my boyfriend, and then I start to climax. As I orgasm, I hump the razor. That's a phrase! And start to turn my toothbrush on and off. This really makes me cum and I can just go on for hours.

I feel like these are actually cannibal corp tears. Oh my god. Holy shit. I use my electric toothbrush. I just stick it in and turn it on. No!

I could come just thinking about it. Just lay it on your clit, which of course is inside your cunt. Just lay it on your clit and within minutes you will have an awesome orgasm. It's great if you're in

a hurry and very horny. I've got like the anti- O-face expression just plastered on my face right now, like just a grimace of horror. X-face. A little bit of like a Sosley's triangle.

And X-Face. A little bit of like a Sosley's triangle. And, Stog, you like brushing up and down, right? I love to brush up and down. Brushing up and down, brushing up and down. I'm brushing up and down, brushing up and down. First, I rub my clit and stick my fingers in and out. Just enough to make me come alive. Just enough to make me cum a lot. Just enough. That's all I need. No, but I'm not done. Just 14 or

15 orgasms and I'm all set. Well, after those orgasms, I rub my cum all over my vagina to make the whole thing nice and moist. You're real. You're cum. You're cum. Yeah, I'm real. I'm very real. You're a real woman who understands things.

Very, very, very real. I're a real woman who understands things. Very, very, very real. I am a real woman with real boobs. Then I take my electric toothbrush and put it on the most sensitive side of my clit and let it run. Most sensitive side? Do you have a good and a bad side? Yeah. Like every real woman that this person really is. Not the left, you idiot!

God, I hate men! That's the dead clitoral hemisphere. Avoid that one. That's the part where I feel nothing. Her corpus clitossum was severed. Wow, nice. When I feel like the orgasm is coming up, I quickly take the brush off to tease myself. You already came like a bunch of times. Now you have to tease yourself?

This is for the 16th. Okay, and you're already like soaked in your own cum. Yeah. I really hope they're not using the actual brush like bristles part because that's just... One time I totally made myself cum 80 times. Where's the part where the brush goes up and down?

Brush it up and down? Then I rub my clit again and put the brush back on and next thing you know, I've had a big really pleasurable orgasm. That's cool. I mean, you know, that's nice, because the thing is that it's a

testament to human ingenuity that these real, actual women, they've actually found a device that exists that vibrates, and then they used it to their own ends. Yeah.

So, we're going to go back over to the male side of the document. I don't know if the Nutshell here will be relieved by that or not. But yes, this is the side of the document that's written by men. I don't think they're real men either, honestly. I think it's some bizarre squid-like life form just typing out on its keyboard. This is how people people. The whole thing is just guerrilla marketing from Venus Razors. Octodad after dark.

If that was the case, then we would absolutely see a much larger squid section than we have. So, is there actually a squid section? No. Good. All right. I had to check. Alright, so yes, we are on My Masturbation slash Mail slash Misk.

And Miscellaneous, I'll take the first one here, Bud-o-rific. Bud-o. Yeah. Right, I'm sure this is just he's watching a lot of Bud Bundy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this isn't much of a message, but more of a...

I find that when I smoke a lot of pot, I really get baked out of my skull. And I jerk off while watching porn or what have you. You almost trick yourself into feeling like you're having sex. Yay! Yeah, I'm having sex with the hottest jug of that right now. So I believe 100% that this person smokes pot because this is exactly the story. I fucking tricked myself, dude. Hey guys, you know that I smoke pot?

I totally smoke pot. I got baked out of my skull and then I got really energetic. Yep. That's how that works. It's great. I would recommend it to anyone. That's great, pothead. I have a TV game for you. Oh. When you are bored and you have just mastered...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thanks, Lemon. We were not having the... I didn't know it was that easy to plant the seed. We're not having the Herbal Perlutings. That's what you think. And then I come, and I come again you can't stop it i use my electric toothbrush too all right all right all right here we go

please actually read the thing oh no when you are bored and you have just masturbated thinking about every celebrity, every porn star, and there's nobody left. I personally. Cloris Leachman. Wait, you've. Herb Alpert. You've jerked off to all of popular culture. That's all of them. I personally recommend this game.

Turn on the TV. Then look at your clock. Example. 11.32. That TV, then look at your clock. Example, 1132. That would be an example. Good job. That's a real world example. Yep. This time, as an example, it says 11.

Actually, it says 1132, but that's cool. Get your TV controller and start changing the channel up or down 11 times. What? What? What? What? What? What? Then you gotta find some way to masturbate thinking only about the people you are watching at that moment.

Oh, it's a creative masturbation exercise. Wait, wait. Wait, does that mean when you land or while you're flipping? When you land. Okay, okay. If you saw a great girl in a commercial but the commercial was over don't think any more about her she's best put her behind you only the people that appear on the tv at that moment even if it's one of those famous pokemon even if yeah

this is uh it's great for my ADD I love it So this here's a countdown I went countdown to extinction But I appreciate your Europe reference I like to use the flat inside of each hand On each side of my dick And rub back and forth rapidly

Almost like working with modeling clay Or the motion you'd use Of my dick and rub back and forth rapidly, almost like working with modeling clay or the motion you'd use if you were rubbing your hands back and forth to warm them. Do you make a pot out of your dick? Yep. I sure do. Oh, man. These Minnesota winners are going to be roughing my dick.

I better rub it like I'm rubbing my hands. Oh, you have no idea, Stuck. When I cum, it's intense. Another thing I like to do sometimes is pick a number, like 100, and determine that I am going to come in 100 or less strokes. I start slow and build up speed fast. It's really hot to think about I'm going to come that fast, and I always do. Oh, that is hot.

That is hot. Whoa-ho. So I picked the number four, and I met it every time. And then we're going to, again, we're going to go over to the other column. Stog. Yes. You're an expert on female sexuality, right? I sure am.

Excellent. So what do you feel like would be the best, what do you want to say, apparatus or sexual aid for a woman to use? Is it a popsicle? Or a tampon? You tell me. Oh, God. That's why they always have tampons. That's exactly right.

They made up all this period shit. Popsicles. I'm going with popsicles. Popsicles. Interesting. Okay. So, yes, this is My Masturbation slash Female slash Popsicles. And why don't you read Popsicle Maker, please?

Okay. Popsicle Maker. I enjoy of creating an ice lollipop. Not a lice lollipop. That's good. I'm glad it's not a lice lollipop. That's a different website. Let me try that again.

I enjoy of creating an ice lollipop with the shape of a penis you just need a glass that gives it the shape oh and make the lollipop out of water i mean yeah haven't you ever been to a fucking bachelorette party right next to the penis shaped pasta pasta. Lemon? No. No, I haven't. Then stick it in my pussy as if it was a toy. It is cold. But good.

Well, I believe one of those two things. Yeah, I got one here. What's that? Just to let you know, I'm going to properly capitalize the P in Popsicle to recognize the brand name. Oh, I didn't know that was actually a brand name, is it? Oh, okay.

I use a Popsicle with the plastic around it, and you have to break off the top. Just don't break off the top. Use it to bang yourself. It's cold and perfect fit. Bang yourself? Bang yourself You can lay on your stomach

And prop it against the bed Or lay on your back It's cold but it feels so good I use it with a vibrator So I can get double the pleasure Hey, that's cheating It's not the popsicle and vibrator category I read that totally wrong

I use it with a vibrator So I can get double the pleasure. Yeah. Pleasure. It works to rub the popsicle over your tits and click too. Also, have your partner use it on you. He will get a kick

out of it. Holy shit, there's a menthol category? As in, like, cools? Like, menthol cigarettes? I'm not sure. No, it's toothpaste. It's toothpaste? Oh, that's even, that's okay.

I know that Stog didn't pick the tampon one, but our podcast would be lacking if we missed this one. Lots of tampons! Oh, no. I remember as a teenager before I moved out on my own and was able to buy real sex

toys, I had to make do with things around the house. I realized, this was when I was a virgin and pretty tight, that using a tampon as a dildo while I used my index and middle finger, one on each side of my clit, and rubbed it hard,

that I could have an orgasm pretty quickly. And it was better than just masturbating with my hands. Over time, I was able to work my way up to having about four or five tampons in at the same time! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh god! I clarify that they're all unused except for no they aren't. Great. And then having really rocking orgasms. Oh. I found something I want to read.

Okay, what do you want to read? It's in the menthol category for women because you guys were all looking at the men category like some kind of women or some shit like that. Oh, there's a menthol category for women, because you guys were all looking at the men category, like some kind of women or some shit like that. Oh, there's a menthol category for both men and women. Oh, that's nice. Yep.

This one's called Minty Fresh. I love to take a cough drop. My favorite is Hall's Cool Ice and stick it inside my cunt for an incredible feeling. Because your pussy has the same mucus membranes as the inside of your mouth, it'll respond with a cool, tingly feeling that'll get your juices flowing. Which juices? My pussy

coughs. Don't judge. I'd like to read one I found. Okay, what would you like to read? It's from the mail category. The mail column. What's that? This one's called Bananarama. I have a little read one I found. Okay, what would you like to read? It's from the mail category. The mail column. What's that? This one's called Bananarama. I have a little cut in my mattress. I put a banana peel inside, stick my dick in, and start moving up and down until I shoot. And then glue the banana back up and put it back in the bowl.

Oh, that sucks. LouReads.com. Lou reads the internet for you. in the bowl. LouReads.com LouReads the internet for you. Oh, this is awful. I have a little cut in my mattress. I like to have a decorative bowl of cum-filled banana peels. The next section of the document again provided by Spooks. The next section of the document again provided by spooks uh next section of the

document is called it's not gay unless it is uh which is great uh and those these are these are all fun everything in the it's not gay unless it is section very fun uh but definitely touching on stuff that we've done already uh so i am going to skip past that and instead get into the section entitled, Let's Get Gross! Yay! Let's Get Gross. I'm not yaying there. This one's already gross. The subtitle is Let's Get Gross.

Yes, now we're getting gross. Great. All right, Jack Chick, by your exuberance, I think we're going to go to you first and we are going to mymasturbation.com slash mail slash caught by mom Yay! Oh, now you yay

So, you're a tea time tosser, is that right? Why, I sure am One day, after a night out out i was dying for a bit of self-pleasure so i got in my bed and started furiously wanking off it was some time before i came and it was a mind-blowing orgasm but little did i know there were a couple of bits of toast and a cup of tea on my bedside cabinet which my mother must have placed while I was enjoying myself. What?

Oh, gross. I told her I must have sleepwanked, and it was common. She said she'd always thought I was a tosser anyway. Oh, okay, so it's just a lie. Okay, now I feel better. Now it's fine. It's fine. As long as it's just a lie. Okay, now I feel better. Now it's fine. It's fine. As long as it's just an obvious fucking lie.

Yep. That's better. Stog, you're a Playboy pervert. Is that right? Oh, yes, I'm a Playboy pervert. Does that mean you're both a pervert and a Playboy? No, I'm a playboy pervert. It's just the one.

Okay. I was out drinking all night. It was a weeknight during the summer. I came home at about 5 a.m. and immediately ordered the Playboy channel. I plopped onto the living room floor dropped trow and took care of business as soon as i completed the task i passed out cold my evidence all over my now bare chest the next thing i remember is my mother yelling from the staircase which led directly into our living room she's's yelling, Mikey, get down here! Your son's on drugs!

Maybe he just wanted the Pepsi. Oh, goddammit. Just want a fucking Pepsi. He wanted us a Pepsi. I hate this. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'm just gonna blow off that entire section because it's not...

That's... Ugh. I began to wake up and I realized i was pretty much laying on the floor naked playboy's still going and i was still wasted of course my mother continued to scream for my father by the time i raised my head they were staring at me from the staircase uh boots kind of surprised this site is so gross. Are you? Oh, you're surprised? There is a curling iron category, absolutely. Don't do that!

Why not? Because that's your bar! But it's like, look, here's the thing. If you've ever seen a curling iron, like, they're long and cylindrical, so it totally makes sense. Right? No! It's fine. It's long and cylindrical. What's your problem? It'll set your fucking vagina

on fire! Oh, well, there is that part, too. But yeah, it's long and cylindrical. I mean, there's also a urethra section. Oh, good! Boots, boots, boots, boots. Please read the one in this section entitled No Condoms Allowed.

No condoms allowed. No condoms allowed. No condoms allowed. No condoms allowed. I was home alone for the weekend, and I was masturbating with one of my parents' condoms on their bed. One of my parents' condoms on their bed.

I was just hanging out with the condom on my parents' bed. I think I parsed that. Hey, condom. Can I do this? I was totally naked and I thought they were gone for the whole weekend and they walked in on me right when I started to cum. My mom saw me with my dad's condom on.

Listen. Yeah. Then she was like You have his condom on That means you have to fuck me now Thanks Jack Thank you Jack Add a little bit more grossness into this episode That's what I'm here for You were going to inherit that condom.

Not anymore. That condom was for your college days. All right, all right, come on. My dad's condom on. And coming, she fainted. She was really pissed off and unconscious. But my dad said not to wear condoms when I masturbate. And that I have to keep by the

door open I have to keep by door open all the time that way they can watch him masturbate um oh I'm sorry um yeah hi Lemon I was looking at other ways to jerk off but first

an apple a day I've enjoyed sticking just about anything Other ways to jerk off. But first, an apple a day. I've enjoyed sticking just about anything I can find up my butt while I masturbate. Good job. I get a little carried away sometimes and push things a little too far. I like the feelings of nylons in my butt. So, when my mom was at work, I would take some

of her pantyhose and wrap things up in them. Oh, no. Yeah. So one day I was shoving an apple in my butt and it sucked itself in. Pantyhose. It found its natural home. So one day I was shoving an apple

in my butt and... My butthole is mecca for apples. After working for a while to get it out, I finally managed to get a grip on it And slowly Some of the nylons came out How many did I have?

But not all the way out Mom came home early that day And walked in to find me crying With her pantyhose hanging out of my butt Yeah just a whimper. Of course, she freaked. Of course. You don't say.

You want to know how it got worse? I do. Okay, it got worse when she made me pull them out and the apple hit the floor with a nasty thud. Got the Stretch Armstrong butt hole. Now I only masturbate in a locked bathroom using only my hand. So his life got better that day. Hey, you know, it's nice.

We got some actual heartwarming story out. I am completely covered in goosebumps after hearing that story. I've never had such a physical reaction to one of these things from this podcast. But every part of my body is just like shivering with disgust. Every part of my body is just like shivering with disgust. I'm sure this is going to be a really nice story because we're still in the fucking caught by my mom section. Yeah, is it the longest section? I think it might be.

It is. Okay. Holy shit. A few weeks ago, I was up late masturbating, and I tied my feet to the bedpost above my head and stuck a large lubricated Sharpie into my anus and proceeded to jack off. Lubricated with what? Like lubricated with Sharpie ink? Why not?

Well, to get to the point, I came, and some of it got in my right eye under my contact lens. How do you manage that? I'm really good at everything I do. So there I was, completely nude, with my feet tied up and my headboard above me, and blighted by my own semen, not able to see to untie myself, and unable to reposition myself either. So there was only one option.

Call for mom to come to the rescue. Nope, so there was only one option. Call for mom to come to the rescue. Nope, nope, there were other options. There were definitely other options. Sure, she wasn't happy at all. In fact, I was forced to go to church for the next several months and was not allowed to go into my room and close the door.

Oh, that'll fix it. Away from all the perverts. Oh, yeah. I was also grounded and lost all privileges. All of them. But the embarrassment of having my mom see me like that was far worse than any punishment I could ever receive. I'm 47. Oh, my God. It doesn't say that.

Oh, my God. All right. We need to get out of the cop on my parents category. Can we? I agree. Do you not agree? Yes, please. Let to get out of the caught by my parents category do you not agree let's get out of here good okay stog we're gonna get out of here

we're gonna leave the caught by mom section we're gonna go to my masturbation slash mail slash wet and messy oh fuck thank god we're in this and not that wet and messy oh fuck i don't thank god we're in this and not that wet and messy uh so um so uh yeah in the uh in the wet and messy uh section uh stock will you just take the one that's entitled wet and messy yeah well it's it's self it's self-titled get one of those socks

that only go up to your ankles cotton is best and fill it with warm pudding shaving cream or whatever then put it on your cock and have at it I'm into wham wet and messy

stuff so I fill up I'm not into the into wham, wet and messy stuff. So I fill up. Okay. I'm not into the band wham. I'm into wet and messy stuff. There's a difference. Well, that's ironic because wham was also into wham. Jack me up with a bunch of pudding.

Butt plugs. Don't leave me hanging like a sock full of pudding. Butt plugs. Don't leave me hanging like a sock full of pudding. Butt plugs. So I fill up three socks so I can put one on each of my feet, too, in the bathtub. I usually use liquid soap or shampoo on my feet. Ew! That's gross! Massaging your slippery foot feels really good

okay so he's just got a whole bunch of socks filled with just like various like Beakman's World like experiments that's a reference so uh I mean Laundry Day with that guy

has got to be a blast. Hang on, I still got six more bags in the truck. Oh, don't wash that one. That one's still half full of dish detergent. Jack, what do you have? I have one called Milky Smooth Goodness. Oh, that sounds nice. It does sound nice. It's probably not nice, but do you have? I have one called Milky Smooth Goodness. Well, that sounds nice. It does sound nice.

It's probably not nice, but, you know. I love to masturbate. What I like is BRRRRG! Woman. The likes of Anna Nicole Smith. I mean, that's not as big as the word big in capital letters, but okay. Yeah, I mean, you know, she got kind of fat at the end, but like, okay, sure.

I watch her nude pics on my computer. I like to watch them while they're doing things. First I make myself a glass of milkshake. Then I sit in front of my computer and take some of the milkshake in my left hand. Don't use both hands. It gets messy. We gotta have some goddamned

decorum, people. Yeah. Just go right ahead. No, I can't fucking read this. Come on. Keep going. Keep going. Use your index finger and thumb to encircle Zorro! How do you encircle a Z?

Wait, do I have to call Zorro over first? Fucking Zorro! And while sitting, keep both of your thighs together so that your balls are chipped against the back of your penis and with the milkshake as your lubricant. Whoa. All right. All right. All right. Now, clearly, we probably got a little lost, and I'm sure you may not understand, so I'm going to read that again.

Okay. Use your index finger and thumb to encircle Zorro. And while sitting, keep both your thighs together so that your balls are jammed against the back of your penis and with the milkshake as your lubricant. Whoa. Yep. I understand you completely. Now I know what you guys are thinking. You must be thinking, what happens to the rest of the milkshake?

It's there to bring all the boys to the yard, I believe. And then Boots, take last one on this page. Pig pen. I usually masturbate with mud. I got some from my backyard. It was wet and soft and I stuck my dick inside.

Feels great. Nope. I disagree. Pig pen. Nope. I disagree. Big pen. The document also has a female wet and messy category, which is great. I mean, it's not great. It's fucking terrifying and gives you pantomimes.

But it's remarkable in any case. TGFPL.us we have the document online and there's a bunch to read but I just realized the time and we have not read about recipes yet yay yay it's a recipes episode now

it's a stealth recipes episode this section Spooks is entitled recipes for an orgasm clever great boots Spooks is entitled Recipes for an Orgasm. Clever. Great. Boots.

Should we read from mymasturbation.com food-meat or should we read from mymasturbation.com anal-food food-meat Food-meat All right, great.

Food meat. It's kind of a good answer to my reading. All right, well, then take it. This one's called Mystery Meat. I think I know

what the mystery is. Yeah, get a can of Spam. Take the whole block out. Hey, that's gross. Take the whole block out and heat it in the microwave to warm it. Not too much because it'll burn your cock. Cut a hole in the center. Make it look like this.

Open parentheses, close parentheses. Okay. I didn't know how holes work. That was a useful guide. Print this page oh this hole looks like a vagina oh what should i do with it then put your cock in and start fucking oh i got i got a different tip for you my name's uh i want to tell you about sweet meat take a couple big pieces of bologna and warm it up in the microwave.

Wrap them around your cock to make a nice little hole. I don't know how you would put something around a cock to make a hole, but do that somehow. Use both hands and grab it tight and pump away for 10 to 15 minutes. Start and stop method is great. Jack Chick, do you want to know what this feels like? I would love to know.

This feels just like a hot piece of ass. I don't believe you. It feels just like a hot piece of ass. You're saying that and I still don't believe you. It feels just like a hot piece of ass. You're saying that and I still don't believe you. Why wouldn't you trust a guy who does this to himself every Friday?

Jack Chick, do you want to know what day it is today? Fuck, you're right. Alright, hang on. I'm gonna... I'll be right back. Gonna go throw some bologna in the microwave. Okay, when you get so hard you can't stand it, remove the baloney and start whacking your cock for another ten minutes or so,

using the lube from the baloney. Oh, no. Oh, no. Baloney of the lubricant. Oh no! Oh no, baloney has a lube! My dick has the gout! I save all my baloney lube in a jar.

Sprayed from freshly squeezed baloney. Reduce, reuse, and come. When you just can't hold back any longer, let him blow. You'll have a huge load! Oh, dude! I promise you won't have to clean up. No, no, no, that's not what that says.

I'm sorry. That's not what that says. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You'll have a huge load. I promise you'll have to clean up way behind your head. Is it? Splashed off of whatever was in front of you. Right.

Oh, dear. Jesus Christ. Are we just going to ignore the one below that? Well, then take it, I guess. I like to call this one the meat basket. Sounds nice. Gather a bunch of meat from the grocery store, especially tri-tip, prime rib, and T-bone.

Cut the meat off of the bones and pile it in a basket or bowl of some sort. Heat it to your preference. Add different spices and steak sauces and mix it all together. Yep, yep. And then what? Take a piece of meat and slop it all over your dick for an arousal. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's good. Oh, I! Oh, it's good! Oh, I love it! Then, once you're good and aroused, insert your dick into the bowl and slide it over the saucy meat and cream your dinner! Oh. This is actually what happens at Outback Steakhouse. Oh.

Oh. Um, oh my god. Jesus, this is way more gross than I thought it would be. Yep. Thanks a bunch, Spooks. I'm scrolling through this and I'm just seeing sentences flashed by my vision

like, put a butter knife in your pussy. There's one here specifically for Jack Chick. Yeah, I saw that. So, Jack Chick, we are now going to... I gotta say, in contrast to everything else we read, here's the URL that we're on now. Yep. Mymasturbation.com slash mail slash odd also in contrast to everything

we read before we're now in the category of the point of no return so perhaps this is the point where things get gross yeah this is when things get really gross i like how many of these have note this is potentially dangerous and not recommended so this one's called the headbanger this one might be kind of hard but it works grease your hair really no grease your hair grease your hair yep okay sure works best with long hair and yes the hair on your head. Then bend down really far. Stick your cock in your hair, put some rock music, and start

headbanging! Oh, God. Nope. I actually like that one. Well, yeah, of course you do. That's because this is the most maximum pleasure ever. Well, yeah, of course you do. That's because this is the most maximum pleasure ever. Oh my god.

Maximum masturbation. 110% pleasure. Oh my god. Oh boy. What? What? What? Hey, here's some furniture fun. So, yeah yeah so furniture fun

sometimes I'll use drawer handles to masturbate with what what what that's gross uh that feels better with a condom if they are too tight

loosen them with a screwdriver if you can. Stick your penis in the hole and go to town. Oh. Is he talking about, like, the keyhole? No, it'll be the handles that are... The... The... The fault...

Because they're kind of, like, recessed a little bit. This is... This is not a thing. This is... This is just some guy saying shit. Head over to Party City and buy a pair of those inflatable feet. What?

What the hell? It's inflatable feet at Party City. Hit them with your dick. They're pretty big. Inflate it to almost full, but you can bend it a little. Now fold it in half so that the place where you put your foot in is sticking up.

You should have formed two holes now. Yeah. Yay. Have you figured out where the masturbation comes in? No. Lube them both and stick your dick in it. Great. I like doing this when looking in the mirror.

I get off so damn fast You talking to me? I know you're not jerking me off with inflatable feet You fucking a foot? Sometimes I rub oil on my nipples I explode I explode everywhere And my hard throbbing cock is still asking for more hey hey i work at home depot and i got away what's that it's called shake it up no this is extremely dangerous and not recommended except if you work at a hardware store. But then, by all means, go nuts.

Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. About a week ago, I was cleaning the aisles at work late at night at a hardware store, and I found this paint can shaker. You know the electric ones that paint supply places. Right, and then I moved on and continued to do my job and maybe jerked off at home afterwards, right? No! I put a Coca-Cola in there.

Yep. You guessed it. It clamps down your cock perfectly, like a Coca-Cola. No, that's not perfectly. Nope. I think it probably does a poor job of clamping down on your cock. And it has a setting of speeds. I use this for like 45 seconds and

kaboom i shot hot cum all over it oh my god plus it doesn't hurt it just tugs and wiggles before your cock gets hard you're spraying down the aisles god i love work um nothing makes me feel hornier than Clamps on my dick Alright Boy, we Oh my god, we kinda have to stop reading These terrible, terrible stories, don't we?

We probably should, right? I feel like Boots is a contortionist Oh, is Boots a contortionist? That's right Boots is a contortionist, and how does that affect his masturbation habits? Last night I stuck the head of my penis Just a little bit of my anus. Oops. What?

Oops, salt penis. So not only is Boots a contortionist, but his dick is a contortionist. Yes. The pain of twisting it there and pulling and pushing was almost enough to make me cum. But I ended up just jacking off with my penis twisted around so that my warm cum hit my anus. That's not physically possible. That's what I did for my summer vacation.

Jesus Christ. You know, it's at this point that I found out recently that people actually still use electroshock therapy in some sort of extreme cases. And when you read that, I realized that I know why that happens. It's because somebody with this contortionist person has seen a psychotherapist many times that was trying to tell him how to do good self-care, and then he kept doing this shit. And I was like, all right, you know what? We're gonna shock your fucking brain. I have literally no idea what to do

to you other than just electrocute you until you stop doing that. I work at the Home Depot. Oh, not again. I'm a handyman. I have a thing where I tried using an orbital sander without the sandpaper, of course. You're just making this up. You're not actually reading it, right?

Oh, I forgot to say, warning, this is dangerous. Oh, no. It was pretty intense. Yeah, I would would imagine best if done with your pants on and and and a hundred feet away well how are you gonna get the sander up against your dick i'm not i don't see it on the i'm pretty sure stag just made that one up if i thought this dog could come up with that on his own, I would have him arrested. Alright, so we are going to close with one of two sections, and that is another choice on Nutshell, going back to the female side of the site.

So, which of these sections would you like to close on? Would you like to close on MyMasturbation.com slash female slash unusual? Or mymasturbation.com slash female slash menthol? Emergency nutshell protocol activated. Let's do unusual. Lemon. All right. Let's look at the unusual shit.

Too much of this fucking vanilla bullshit. Jack, what do you have? So I have the joy of cola. Take a two liter filled up with pop and shake it very hard. Very hard. Very hard, okay, okay. Very hard. Then put it under your pussy, take the cap off, and let it explode all. Very hard. Very hard, okay. Okay. Very hard. Then put it under your pussy, take the cap off, and let it explode all over your pussy!

Hello, dude. I jerk off to LMFAO videos! I use nipple clamps I start off by reading porn Then I pretend I'm a stripper And after I pretend I'm a stripper I take off my clothes And then

I imagine myself at bondage I wrap my tits One at a time with duct tape. Makes them stand out. Makes them stand out. My tits aren't noticeable enough. They just blend in. Right.

Okay, then I rub ice on my nipples until they are erect. Remember, this is called nipple clamps. Yeah. And then put little butterfly hair clips on them. My nipples. On the ice cubes. I then lie down under the faucet with my legs up in the air. What?

And spread and spread and change the pressure of the water. This really F-pound-up-asteric- k is my mind out did I miss a point? I said the word fuck on my masturbation.com it really fucks my mind out you know that phrase that you say well no I just wouldn't want to offend

anybody by actually typing out fuck that would horrify people f plus what have we learned from any of this what have what haven't we learned how not to masturbate oh i mean so many so many tips i'm i'm i'm just astounded that this ended up being one of the grossest episodes i think yeah like i'm like i was like, yeah, there'll be some gross stuff,

but like, there's no way that this is going to be that fucking disgusting. And it was just like left turned into horrible bill immediately. Yes, exactly. I guess I've learned that there's, there's people out there that, that have thoughts like, well,

what do I own that? I haven't masturbated. Just looking around. Hashtag life goals. I feel like what I feel like there's some

there's people out there that I owe an apology to. Which is that, you know, we've done episodes where we've had... Are you talking about the readers or the listeners? I mean, yeah. I'm saying if you listen to this whole thing,

sorry about that. If it's any consolation, we had to read it, so, I mean... Yeah. It's true. It's at least like a, you know, sort of a shared pain. We can...

But also that, like, you know, that when we shared pain. We can, but, but, but also that like, you know, that, that when we were reading a lot of these like fleshlight community things or whatever, I was like, I was like, Hey,

you're gross and weird for like having these communities against this like fuck sock. But that's like way more acceptable. Yeah. And putting a curling iron into your asshole so yeah i guess go ahead and write poetry to your sex toy because i i mean it shouldn't be a binary like choice of this or that, but, you know, the internet only works in extremes, so here we are. Um, yeah, what's, uh, JackJick, what sections did you see over on the right side of the

website that we did not read that stood out to you? Cardboard, balloons, yoga, lube- saliva. There's also lube dash cum is there?

yeah it's not alphabetized in any meaningful way no yes plastic bag panties food dash food dash miscellaneous vibe dash homemade vibe dash homemade is really gross by the way

Yeah I would imagine Banana very popular Spoilers Just because of the way it's written I really like Anal Fingers Anal Fingers has to be in a Toronto hardcore band And Boots do you see anything on the left side that tickles your fancy

yeah there's little socks right electric shaver stuffed animals popular kitchen tools no grinding chair. I like the squeezings in there.

Yeah, well, that makes sense. Welcome to the grinding chair. I like lesbian. Oh, yeah. I used a woman to masturbate with. Can I help? Tasting juices. Air jet?

Stomach? While driving. There's three entries in the hot dog section. Yeah, the hot dog category is amazing. And if you're not depressed enough about the stupidity of the internet, you can go to idiots.win Yeah, find out what your uncle is. Which is an actual feed into Google. You can find out what your uncle is Which is an actual feed into Google

You can find out what your uncle is And you might be horrified to find out Actually, you'll probably be pleasantly surprised You might be able to help yourself And you can also go to Ball Pit Where you find out about all sorts of fun things Hang out in the community And if this episode comes online fairly promptly

You might be able to get patches. They just arrived today and you can sew a patch onto your bag or your jacket or your panties and then master it with them. Pretty good for everybody. Cover up the cum stains. You'll need a lot of patches.

Ball pit, by the way, at B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. Thanks, Jack. Bye-bye! Goodbye! Bye! Yeah, like I'm blinded by semen. Blind blinded by semen. Blinded by the semen.

You know, we were all thinking it. That's a better word. You blinded me with semen! Blinded me!