The F Plus - 227: Self Publish And Perish

Episode Date: September 13, 2016

Our modern internet affords lots of opportunities for self-expression. However, these things remain ephemeral, and some authors long for the physicality of the written word. Fortunately for them, there's America Star Books (formerly PublishAmerica), a self-publishing book company that's innovated the publishing world by removing all those annoying standards of quality. We're looking at a number of descriptions of these books, in the authors' own words (when those words aren't "description coming soon"). This week, you can have a free consultation with a werewolf, but I don't imagine it'll be helpful.

A law firm of werewolves. Toast kids, I'm laughing at a law firm. A law firm of werewolves. I'm going to steal the mic. I just want to emphasize, a law firm of werewolves. This is the F Plus Podcast A very literate place for terrible things Right with enthusiasm In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear

This is a story about a little dog named Hoover. Kumquats up! In the post-evolutionary, atheist-dominated world, everybody evolves, or dis-evolves, to triumph. Jack Chick! I am a son of the soil who was rendered orphaned by the untimely demise of his biological parents found favor with the princess who elected him

as the one to wear the crown. Bortex! And Lemon. Good people are dying in the city of Chicago and a recovering alcoholic detective and a new female partner have to find the monster and stop the dying. The victims are random people. Or are they?

They're so bad! They're so bad! They're so great. You're amazing. There we are. There we are. Hey, F+. Hello. Hey, Lemon. Hi, Lemon.

Hey, everyone. Are you feeling spiritually and productionally fulfilled? Productionally? I meant to say artistically, but then I couldn't find that word for some reason. Oh, in that case, maybe. No, I'm not feeling artistically fulfilled, but I am feeling productionally fulfilled. I have fulfilled my quota today. And what was your quota today, Kamhwaza?

17 red trucks. Anyway, I would like to tell you of a way that you could get your art out there and have other people experience all of the delightful, delicious thoughts that you've been holding up inside of you. Without getting arrested?

I mean, well, it depends on how the press junket goes. So there is a company called America Star Books. It used to be known as Publish America. And it is an online bookstore that I suppose people who are less understanding of the mission of America Star would call a vanity press. And that's only because it says on the front page, we promote books!

Indie authors, welcome! So a lot of people have gone to America Star Books and they've published their own works and then later on, a

first time submitter by the name of it's a good name, Shambambamina Sh by the name of Shambambamina Shambambamina Shambambamina Shambambamina Shambambamina compiled some of these books. What we're going to be looking at today

is specifically the blurbs from these books. Oh, great. Alright, have I explained the concepts? Bad books, descriptions of we make words, laugh, make funny noises. I don't know why you're assuming they're bad books. They might be fine

books. We don't know. For example, this book right here, Nebula 6558, special Christmas edition. Wasn't that that Stephen Colbert? I like when I hover over the book, I get like a 10 times zoom in. So if I wanted to see the S and the P from Special Christmas Edition in really, really close in, I can do that. Yeah, so we're going to be looking at Nebula 6558. It's a special Christmas edition.

It's by an anonymous writer who says, I have been a writer now for a number of years, but it only took it real serious like in the last five years or so, starting with my newest piece, Nebula. He wrote that verbatim, by the way. Yes. Also, Lemon, I'm going to suggest that perhaps the writer is named Dennis Bergstrom. Why do you say that?

Oh, because it says Dennis Bergstrom really big on the cover. It sure does. Anyway, so Jack Chick, will you read the description of this book here? Actually, can you tell us the category for this book first? Yes. This category is special book first? Yes. This category is Special Editions and Special Christmas.

Special Editions, Subsection, Special Christmas. Special Christmas section of Special Editions. Also has books such as When God Acts, Fire Team 4, and Mint and Julep, Day One.

And a Tree Frog's Confession from a Psych Ward. God Axe, Fire Team 4, and Mitten Julep, Day 1. And, and, and, a tree frog's confession from a psych ward. Special Christmas edition. Anyway, what do you got there? Alright, so this is the description of the book. Okay. I have been a writer

now for a number of years, but only took it real serious, like, in the last five years or so, starting with my newest piece, Nebula 6, of which I have now published with xlibris.com out of Indiana just this past year, in March 2010, of which may still

only be purchased online at this time. That was the first sentence. I imagine it's getting into print any minute, though. Yeah. His fiction prose is way better. But then other than Nebula 6 itself, I've also written poetry for a long

time, too, and I was recognized for that as well back in 1986 with honors and considered the Poet of the Year for two years running and was published in a book called The Poetry of Anthology Almost Immediately. But then, of course, year for two years running and was published in a book called the poetry of anthology almost immediately but then of course there was so it's poetry about anthologies yes the poetry of anthology almost immediately there once was an anthology from nantucket whose bibliography was

so long it could suck it we're all writing already writing better than this guy. Great. But then, of course, there was the very first piece that I ever wrote in my life, and it was back in the 60s when I was still in grade school in the 6th grade, and we were asked to write something about ourselves or our wishes, and it was good enough. We were told it could be published in a

local magazine there at the time, and with my luck, I wrote some small little poem of wishes I called Space If Only I Had a Nickel, quote, quote. And to my surprise, I was the one chosen. To my surprise as well, actually. No, no,

I can't believe that you somehow got picked up by another Vanity Press scam. Lucky you. I won the comma of the year prize for 2012. Well, other than what I've already mentioned at this point, I now also have several news stories written up and waiting for that right moment that it takes to be published. I still don't know what the book is about.

Terrific. No, I described it to you. Yeah, that's everything you get to know about the book is about. Yeah. Terrific. No, I described it to you. Yeah, that's everything you get to know about the book. How much does it cost? $14.99. How many pages? 412. Okay, good. Great.

412 pages in 6x9. I mean, judging from the way this guy talks when he saw page count he might be like how many pages did I count over the course of my life I've seen 412 pages might not be the actual page number we're gonna be leaving the Christmas

section and looking at a book here by I believe it's Bill Sicotti Bill Sicotti and Bill Sicotti. And it's called Key West Redemption. Yeah! Yeah, hi! Hi! I'm Bill Sicotti! Hey there.

That is what he sounds like. Hi! Key West Redemption! Yep. Key West Redemption is a fictional account of some truly crazy adventures

here in paradise that have gone just a touch wild for this cast of bizarre characters such as I don't know uh car chases.

Square groupers. Wait, is that fish? Fish. Yeah. Key West bars. Grand Theft Auto. Which one? Boat shows.

That's pretty wild. Those sound pretty fucking wild. Wise guys. Bringing presents to Jesus. Gotcha. Zombies. What? Cuba. What? Cuba in Key West.

Bad guys. The old man in the sea and zombies. Pirates. Bikers. Barfights. Boats. And sport fishing are just a few of the tales inside these pages.

You close with sport fishing out of that list? Close with boats and sport fishing. I forgot something. Oh yeah, and a touch of drinking. Good. Great. If you've ever

been to Key West, then you'll love this book. If you don't know what Key West is, you will love this book! Makes sense. If you don't know what Key West is, you're gonna find out. Key West is a place with zombies, Cuba, and bikers. And pirates.

And a touch of drinking. Not only are there boat shows, but there's boats at the boat shows. I would like if they introduced the boat show in chapter 5 and then the actual boats don't come in until chapter 8. This

site architecture here has already proven its worth because Boots, you were mentioning that if you zoom in or if you hover over the picture, it zooms in. I'm in the process of uploading that image to Imgur. Exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, so Bill Shikati

there posed for his own cover and being self-published gave him a massive boner. He is happy to have published a book. It's like the airport scene in Spinal Tap.

No, that's where he's keeping all the zombies, you idiot. He's smuggling them in his dog area. That's what I call my square grouper! Alright. So I'm looking for, Boots, I'm looking for a Vietnam War era story. Oh, aren't we all,

brother? Yeah, I guess I'd like a Vietnam War era story set against today's political twist, written as an adventure fiction, except to those knowing its veracity. Yep. Yeah, I'm Daryl S.

Mud. Thank you for ticking my box. I'm Daryl's Mud, and I've got a Vietnam War era story set against today's political twist written as adventure fiction except to those knowing its veracity, which is written on the fucking cover of the book. Sure is.

Yeah. In copper plate, if you want to know what font. I'm pretty sure Cold War Burning Daryl S. Mudd is actually the name of the author, and then that's the actual title. Vietnam War era story. I think maybe the name of the author is a Vietnam's the actual title vietnam war era story i think maybe the name of the author is a vietnam war era story this book is 29.95 thomas t.j morgan was pushing on the doorstep to retirement when an old buddy jesse holstrom startles him off his fading page

into an adventure journey with this comment. Have you heard what bleeding-heart liberal revisionist historians are teaching our college students these days? White people aren't perfect, and that's just weird to me. disgusted to hear scholarly professors teaching students that America equals protest movement has nothing to do with igniting the will of its communist enemies. Yeah, he would have been fine if it was like anti-intellectual professors. Yeah. Right.

And it was all lies about the Soviet Union supplying massive amounts of money to these same protest groups amongst other altercated accusations. That would explain why the protesters were all doing that dance while they were holding up the signs. TJ knows otherwise

after reading what high ranking defectors from the Soviet Union and Communist Vietnam have to say and learns more when visiting Vietnam and seeing a country yet divided in ideology. What? Read Cold War

Burning and Bond with TJ and Jesse and others as they set the record straight. Is Frank West reading this? This is a lot of question marks. By disclosing what you will not read anywhere about what is happening today in Vietnam,

back home in our classrooms. Because it's not true. Good. Or my name isn't mud. So this document, once again, put together by Sham Bam Bamina, and very good, and we're going to be getting to that in just a second, but, uh, first is something that Gumquassup found. And it says on the cover of the book, so the book cover is a, uh, I believe it's a woman, uh, unbuttoning her pants. Uh, and then it says on the cover, Florida Best Seller. Hey, Lemon, what category is that in?

Oh, what category is it in? It's in Home Special Editions Florida Best Seller. Good. Yep. There's a bunch of them, actually. Anyway, so this is a Florida Best Seller, and it's called Yep There's a bunch of them actually Anyway

So this is a Florida bestseller And it's called Diary of a Norwegian Cougar It's by Helen North It's available now I hope this is about a literal cougar It's not How do you know? This is the diary of a woman

Turning 50 Who is going through a minor midlife crisis and by accident stumbles upon the exciting world of cougars. She's a cougar. She fights actual cougars. She sees them in the wild. No, I think she found the theme park. Visit the exciting world of cougars. Okay. Visit the exciting world of cougars! Okay, so she is energetic,

impatient, intense, witty, sarcastic, and has tons of built-up sexual tension, just screaming to get out. Is that your screaming to get out? Is that your tension? Yeah! Let me ease your tension in Florida. Okay.

We follow her through a year of ups and downs, laughter and panic, self-examination and growing self-confidence, sexy adventure, and delicious orgasms. So she eats the orgasms?

Yeah. 31 flavors of delicious orgasms. TCBO. The country's best orgasms? 31 flavors of delicious orgasms. TCBO. The country's best orgasms. I prefer Cold Stone orgasms. You would. Her different lovers introduce her to the sensual pleasures in life.

And she slowly discovers what she has been missing all those years of self-inflicted abstinence. There's also an author bio and a book trailer. You know, a trailer for the book. The things I'm going to see when I read the book. Yeah, yeah. Right.

I wouldn't leave it up to your mind to figure that out. Okay, so this is a book I think, Portex, I think you're gonna like it a lot. Okay. I tend to like things. You're gonna like this. I mean, I know you like some things, you don't like other things,

but I'm pretty sure you're gonna like Girls Night Out Chronicles colon Sugar Daddy colon Mad Justice colon Cool Cats. With one K and one C. You know me so well. That is a weird JavaScript object. He's really into namespacing.

So it's a steal at a mere $24.95, by the way. Wow. I think you're paying by.95, by the way. Wow. I think you're paying by the title, by the words on the title. All right, so this is Girls' Night Out Chronicles, Sugar Daddy, Mad Justice, Cool Cats. My name is Tracy Ann Young. And my book is about Sugar Daddy, quote unquote, in Providence, Rhode Island. Egypt Monroe is a corporate paralegal. Egypt Monroe is the name of the character, I guess.

Great. Good job. Already winning it. Gucci Prada and Louis Vuitton con her meager salary. That is Louis Vuitton con. Yeah, Louis Vuitton con. I go salary. As is Louis Vuitton con. Yeah, Louis Vuitton con. I go there every year. It's so great.

Tickets are very expensive. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're made out of actual mink face. Her meager salary at purchasing these leave her without money for rent. Anthony Ricci, owner of Bella Mains, tells her wicked ways to make money. So she's a paralegal. She spends all of her money on purses. But she describes it as Gucci, Prada, and Louis Vuitton con her meager salary.

Yes. They trick her. Yes. I mean, you know. It's not fair. An idiot wouldn't buy those. Mad Justice Tiffany Collins, that is, I guess, another name or something? No, a Mad Justice Tiffany. Mad Justice Tiffany Collins is a young woman with a bright future,

planning for a large wedding. Maybe not necessarily her own, it's not sure. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time, I guess her own wedding, she is kidnapped and trained to be an assassin. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know how it is. You're at the wrong place at the wrong time and then you're kidnapped. Fuck it, we need an assassin. I guess, mm, you'll do. She is brainwashed by Jeremy. Oh, that fucking asshole.

Oh, Jeremy. I hated him last year. Jeremy, yeah. Fuck that guy. He's the leader of a worldwide assassination ring. She escapes and is on a mission to avenge women wronged by men. Cool Cats Janet and Matthew Miller lived a quiet life. She's a stockbroker and he is an attorney.

They bought the perfect home. The tenant, Dr. Thomas Hutton, paid three months in advance. He invented a revolutionary breakthrough changing the lives of both men and women. What? Just one. They bought the perfect home and rented it out? Is that what's happening? This is too good for me.

I don't... Are all these stories related? Are these the names of chapters? Or the names of characters? Is this like a collection of stories? I need to get that title one more time. Can you give me that title again? Sorry. Girls Night Out Chronicles.

Sugar Daddy. Mad Justice. Cool Cats. Alright. So I've noticed here As we've all been looking around on the site There is the to be seen on TV category There sure is Yes

Which is a very good promissory note And Jack Chick, what did you just find in that category? I found Resurrection Day by Thomas G. Wyckoff. I see some of the papyrus font for your TV. The first one so far. Fresh from a successful raid into ancient Babylon to steal the treasures of the Chaldean Empire, Tom Anderson's team of recovery force commandos is tasked by the President of the United States

to return to the first century A.D. to steal the body of Christ from the tomb. Success will mean the collapse of the conservative parties opposing the President's political agenda. Oh, because they can't invoke Jesus? Nothing reasons anymore?

Huh. That President and his agenda. Someone's sending these tornadoes to punish the gays, but now we don't know who it is. Someone damn it. Failure is not possible because the outcome of the mission is known in advance. Yet something goes wrong. Anderson is chosen by Jesus as the Apostle Thomas. Carried along by the force of unchangeable historical events,

the Passion of Christ unfolds as the Commando team becomes entangled with Jesus' equal sign supporters and enemies. Determined to fulfill their task, the team raids the tomb only to be swept forward to the future with a mission that will signal the final days of mankind. So this takes place in the past? You said it's historical events? Yeah. Or it's the wrestler mankind?

The final days of mankind. I think so, yeah. Alright, it is time for some fantasy books Yay! Thank you, Dory Genre fiction, great Absolutely So, Boots You're Stephanie

Alice Brodeur And I want you to tell me about your book Young Valor, please Yeah, I'm Steph Alice Broder They call you Stuffelbro And I want you to tell me about your book, Young Valor, please. Yeah, I'm Steph Alice Broder. They call you Stuffelbro. It's a good fantasy book, length of 156 pages. Wow.

Fair enough. Here's the description. Alicius must cure his mother before she meets her demise. But an omen befalls Anglaju. And the land is destroyed. No! That's why it's so short. No, not

Anglaju. Alesias and Amalfira are taken into captivity. Escaping from captivity, escaping from captivity, they hear of a man named Strauch, the wise,

and seek him out. Who is Strauch? I'm pretty sure I'm pronouncing that right. I'm almost positive that's gotta be right. The three of them go on a mission to seek the stolen life force of Aramalis, an arrogant who has stolen it from the god himself.

Alicius becomes a Darion, which helps him in the future. While on the mission, while on the mission, they meet a boy named Corvin from Virulidium. I have all these names. What can I do with them? I'll write a book.

What the hell? This is important to know. I went to fantasynamegenerator.com and then wrote a book. What the hell? This is important to know. I went to fantasynamegenerator.com and then wrote a book. And truth bank began. Oh, I can just hit generate a hundred times? Okay. The four of them seek out the evil gods to raid their life forces for Arrogant in order to take back the stolen life force of Aramalus before Arrogant instigates the battle. The dark age of Aramalus will then be instigates the battle. The Dark Age of Arimalis will then be

brought back to the Days of Light. When the Days of Light are returned and the Dark Age of Arimalis is at its end, they must go on a mission to rid the evil that lurks from within all the lands. But that is before the evil rids them.

What? Well, it's a good thing we have a Darien fixing this problem for us. I don't know what we do. It's nice that they met a boy named Corvin from Verodium, not Corvin from

some other fucking place. Hey, Stephanie Allais Brodeur, can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Oh, sure Stephanie Brodeur lives in Murrieta with her family and has been trying to write Young Valor since she was

15. For seven years she has been waiting for the book to be written how she wanted it When will this fucking book be done? She has been through enough struggles. She now awaits a better future.

And the book cover is a sword stuck in something. Sure is. It's stuck in Strolch. Oh, yes. That's true. Portex, time for you to make a choice. Yay. I have two different fantasy novels

with some punctuation. Alright, here we go. Option number one is The History of Valensoul, Ampersand, The Rise of the True King, colon, book one, colon, Rise of Decay. That's your first option. I mean, I've heard of that one.

Okay, yeah, yeah. The other one is Eras, colon, Corey Robinson, comma, the owner, colon, all caps, book four, in the Eras series, comma. Oh, Jesus. I like uppercase, but I also like ampersands. Right, yeah, yeah. I think the second one, the Tommy Ice Cream Explosion fans. I don't know why you can't remember the title. I just gave it to you.

The title is Eras, Corey Robinson, the owner, all caps, book four in the Eras series. Oh, that one. Yeah. So the page count is 130. I'm assuming 100 of those are listing the rest of the title. I preferred book three, personally. Get the fuck out, Jack. So I'm Christine Ann Rivest.

Yep. And this is Eris Corey Robinson, the owner, book four in the Ares series. The description, the realm of magic is in danger. The owner of all magic is the one who is destined to battle the destroyer to save magic. However, he will not be alone. Five other magi will help. Three of these magical beings need to be trained before the event, because they are

the owner's younger siblings. What? Will they be trained in time? I don't know. Will Corey succeed in saving the Realm of Magic? Let us join him in Eris, Corey Robinson, the owner, to see what happens. Wait, is Corey the owner?

The description is shorter than the title. Wait, is Corey the owner? The description is shorter than the title. Wait, so are the are the, wait, okay, so the magical beings are Corey the owner's younger siblings. The owner of all magic had all the magic until the event happened, and then

they have to feed him a perfect sandwich so that way he destroys all magic and reconstitutes it in the brain of Corey Robinson, who then shoots at our ears in all directions, and then magic comes back into the land. Sorry I spoiled it for you. That makes sense. We need to skip to the gay and lesbian section. Okay.

And some, like, frolic over there, because I'm down. So this is a book by Victoria Yousefi. And come, come, stop. What is a book by Victoria Yousefi. And come quads up, what is this book called? Hi, I'm Victoria Yousefi. Hi. You sound like the guy from earlier. I am related to him. Yeah, this is centipedes lovers.

As in the lovers that one centipede owns! Of course. Of course. Fans of the arcade game. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, hello!

Nogley and Avley are two centipede gay friends what yes yes yes they're born in a middle-class family in jerusalem what yes yeah okay yes uh why not uh secretly when nobody was home they danced hip-hop and what like they put on a video of Darren's dance grooves and just fucking... Yes. I mean, if you have that many legs, you might as well use them for that. They put makeup on their faces wearing Nogli sisters' high-heeled pink shoes.

They always wish to live in New York City. A related fact. Okay. What the fuck? What is the actual fuck? And they're centipedes, right? Yes. They don't look like centipedes.

No, they're lovers of centipedes. I hope later in the description we'll find out why one centipede has a nose and the other one doesn't. That's not a nose! Oh, dear. Miraculously, they found the way to reach their goal. Which goal? Nobody knows. And moved to the city. New York City.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Nogley has a dynamic voice, and Avley is a talented cardiographer. The first night walking in the city. Keep in mind, they're centipedes. They got very excited by the activity around them.

There's a centipede activity in New York City. Yes. It's a well-known destination for centipede travelers worldwide. Yes. It's sometimes, I mean, it's a big place. It's hard to kind of get your bearings. So what you got to do is you got to jump in a cab

and say, take me to the centipede bar. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Nogli immediately started dancing hip hop. They were already dancing hip hop with Avli and singing, New York, New York, we are here. It's got a real-hop flavor there.

Yes! Suddenly, they met a very handsome gay millipede named Aldo. God damn it. That just pisses me off. I hate it. I hate it when I'm reading a decent centipede story and they fucking throw millipedes

in my hand. I already know centipede is the much better name. His name was Aldo. He has many, many, many shoes. Great. Yeah. He was a record producer. Life for these lovers amazingly

will make a very exciting story. It's not amazing and exciting yet, but it will be. Trust me. Yeah, not the text here, but just the general story is pretty exciting. Yes, yes, yes, yes! For the first time they're enjoying Centipede's

Gay Crowd Parade! Gay Crowd Parade? I too would have enjoyed that. No, the well-known centipedes gay crowd parade. Gay crowd parade. Yes. They will make you laugh. I agree.

Can we read this at F Plus Live? Yeah, I think so. It's probably a really good idea, actually. How much would it cost? $16.95. How many pages? 40. 40.

40.5 and a half by 8.5. It's a weird looking book. So that was the gay section. We're going to talk a little bit about the horror section. I've only got one horror book

I want to talk to you about. And that book is The Den, A Law Firm of Werewolves. It's by Marcus Guy Seagley, maybe? Guy Seagley? Guy Seagley. I'm pretty sure, you guys laughed, but I'm pretty sure A law firm is like the proper name of a group of werewolves. Oh, it's Marcus Gies, you general. In the small, secluded town of Forest Haven, New York,

an evil force has been living amongst the people of society for over six years in the rich-gated community of Redstone Estates. in the rich-gated community of Redstone Estates. That same evil force has also been running a successful law firm founded by a wealthy plutocrat named Craig Warnock, who is actually a mysterious demon that has unknowingly brought in creatures from the deep to forest to pose as regular human beings. Well, they already said lawyers, so... The very creatures that have been living among other people of society are actually a band of werewolves.

Oh, my God. That's a twist that I spoiled like four sentences ago. But they're in a band. That's awesome. They are out there just like everybody else. The mysterious demon and werewolves that have been posting as regular human beings all gather their supernatural

powers from an underground dwelling known amongst themselves as the Den, a place of unspeakable horrors that has been around for over a hundred years. Okay. Just as one of the members of the law firm suddenly, viciously

kills an innocent man, he is found arrested and tried as a human being. Like, literally as it happens, just as it happens, he kills the person and they find him. I'm hoping that they find him, but he's still in the suit,

but he's got a giant wolf head. Yeah, I don't see why not. Also, they tried him as a human being as opposed to trying him as a werewolf? Yeah, yeah, it's different laws entirely, and at that point you need a werewolf jury. Nearly two years later, he is found not guilty and warns his defense attorney, Steve Holland. That's important. Yeah. And that's Steve Holland, not Savage Steve Holland, the director of...

Shit. The Val Kilmer movie, right? No, wait. No, no. No, no. Better Off Dead. There it is. Yeah, that's the one.

That a secret society of creatures does not exist. It is at this time that Steve mistakenly uncovers the fact that there is a law firm operated solely by werewolves and the founder is some sort of demon that wants Steve to work at his place of business. Steve must now fight to save his life, as well as his former fiancés, and find a way to escape

or defeat the vicious werewolves and mysterious demon posing as a human being. Steve now knows that he can either become another werewolf at the law firm, or meet a grisly death in the underground dwelling known as the den.

Wait, wait, what? So Steve is the main character of the book and he's not introduced in the blurb until almost the end. Yeah. Why can't the whole book just be about just the fact that there's a law firm of werewolves and this, like, den stuff?

You just go, like, so, uh, yeah, my wife left me and she's wanting to take all my stuff and... Yeah, exactly. She's just wanting... She said that she gets to have full custody of the kids and that I'm an unfit parent. Look, alright, I guess we'll talk about that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He likes... London likes werewolf sound.

Alright, we need to do a YouTube series. Me and the werewolf lawyer. How much money does crack.com have? Not any left by the time they're done paying us. Fair enough. Can we have a special guest emoji on frankwest.xyz? Of me doing werewolf emoji? All right.

So who wants to do some juvenile books? Boots does. All right. This is books for juveniles, not books written by the rapper Juvenile. I'll be the judge of that. Never mind then. Hi, I'm Peter C. Graspy. Oh, hi Peter.

Yeah, and this is The Adventures of Trump Tickle Mouse. It's available now. I'm sorry, it's not just called Trump Tickle Mouse. Oh, sorry. The Adventures of Trump Tickle Mouse. Oh, sorry. The Adventures of Trump Tickle Mouse. Mad Dogs and Mad Man Things. Good. I was like, the comic character?

You watch it on Spike TV! The Adventures of Trump Tickle Mouse. And here's the description of the book. As in his two previous books, Trump has more adventures, but he confronts different problems this time. His troubles stem from the greed of people and his want for perfect happiness.

He encounters dogs, trucks, and men, all bent on destroying the little town in the dunes. However, that was not in Trump's plan. He must overcome several enormous challenges which he even then felt was no hope of success failing at times okay failing at times he comes back with new ideas and sticks to his original plan oh my god with sword in hand he does not give in until the target is finally secure.

Where will he go from here? Only fate can say. It hasn't gone anywhere. Your book hasn't started yet. No, here, just like the place he's standing right there on the cover. Yeah, where will they go from here? Only fate can say. But I am sure Trump will be ready to face it

bravely and willingly. I, however, am a bit skeptical. Yep. So the truck is, it says dogs, trucks, and men all bent on destroying the little town. So the trucks are also wanting to destroy it. Alright, so quantity 95 at the cart.

$1,895 is no bulk discount. Weird. This poetry has been published in England, Australia, and the USA. We're moving on now to the mystery section. It is very, very spellbinding and terrifying. Jack Chick. This is a book by Cindy Didis Lewis. And what's this

book called? Get them out of there. A nightmare like no other nightmare. Is it real or really a dream? This fictional work is about a glass house with my two kids,

Susie and Clay, on the seventh floor. Get them out of there! Weird-looking alien guards with very strange powers are holding them hostage. Get them out of there! Victor, Dom, Robbie, Justin, Jeff, Mike, Berta, Jim, Johnny, Andrew, James,

Randy, Cynthia, Trisha, Shelly, and... Get them out of there! All of them! Get them out of there! And over them. Get them out of there. And over 1,540 family members and friends are in my nightmare trying to help me get them out of there. What? What? A truck accident, four wheelers, a broken back, a birthday party, a bear, a very large fish, funny stories, dramatic stories, a canoe blown up with a dynamite, and two men in the water.

Why get them out of there? Oh. Why get them out of there? Oh, there's so many things that need to be out of there. Why get them out of there? That's a mystery about what the hell the book is about. Getting them out of there! However, there is a continuation of the genre

of things getting out of things. I'm sorry, what? And I'm Cindy Didis Lewis, and I need to get out of here! What? What? Yeah. I need to get out of here. And the nightmare continues!

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I was wringing with sweat, and I felt like I was going to pass out. I started to put one foot down onto the rug when the shooting pain went right down my right leg and I stopped. I knew if I put my foot on the floor and then the pain would shoot right back up my leg and it would be severe. So I sat for a couple of minutes thinking, just thinking, these dreams. Oh, these dreams. Or were they really dreams? I know some of this stuff is real, but all of it? This fictional book contains murder, kidnapping, a plane ride, car chase, an accident in Indiana, and more!

What's next? What is next? What's next? Is there things that we can get out of there? I mean, I presume things are getting out of there. Also, I just now realized that Cindy Ditas Lewis, her name is spelled Cindy, open parentheses, Ditas, close parentheses, Lewis. Ditas. You know, just, you know,

you whisper that. Didis. Author of such books as The Sugar Spigot, Because of a Woman, colon, Life Stories of, quote, Lee, Leon Arthur Didis. And Time to Head south with Cindy.

Like your publishing company? Because I agree. So real quick, Boots just linked a book that has absolutely no description to it, and I think that it's very worth the title of Pianist Without a Brain. There's a picture of a lovely lady on it.

Yep, there sure is. You got it. Why would you need a description? It's right there. Anyway, it's now finally time for us to move into the romance section. Yay! Hot. Super hot.

into the romance section. Yay! Hot. Super hot. I'm Annette Dosser, and this is the worldly princess meets the billionaires. All of them? Yeah, absolutely.

She is worldly. She can take it. Meets the billionaires, colon, book one, colon. Meets the billionaires, colon? Princess Ariana. Is Princess Ariana a princess and a billionaire? No, she's a princess And she's meeting the billionaires She's worldly

Ariana Sarkozy Is princess Of Venice Right? Okay You ready for some romance? Venice, well known for its monarchy. Yeah, okay, so are you ready for some

nice, lovely romance? Okay, so this is going to be really touching, really sweet and sincere. The worldly princess meets the billionaire. So here we go. She has been brutally raped and beaten by human trafficking madmen, one of the lucky ones to escape him.

Great. Oh dear. Is this one of those people who made those muck descriptions? She was supposed to marry Bretton Merrington, but she did not love this man. When Ariana marries, she will marry for love and nothing else. When she is taken

to the hospital to be checked out, she meets the love of her life, which also happens to be friends with the woman who rescued her and the sister of her life, which also happens to be friends with the woman who rescued her and the sister of her best friend and the other woman! The other women. Oh, the other women, all of them!

The other women just ever! Good, that can follow who that is. He's got a lot of friends. Greg Van Hoolen is an egomaniac CEO and major playboy. He wants to find another plaything again. He meets Sandy McNair, but she is not what he needs.

He helps his friend. Ironically, she has lots of hair. Anyway, that's a whole chapter. Yeah. He meets somebody. It doesn't matter. Irrelevant things! Exclamation point.

He helps his friend Breton out with rescuing women from a madman. He sees the most beautiful woman he has laid his eyes on at the hospital. Have the doctor shove those back in. That's not where those go. Sandy comes in and tells him

that Ariana has been brutally raped and beaten to give her some time. He talks to Ariana and thinks that it's the old I've been brutally raped and beaten play. Yeah. Like in that Three's Company episode. The next sentence.

Look, he talks to Ariana and thinks that she might be his next plaything and so much more! No! No! Go to jail! Go to jail right now! That's bad idea! No! No! This is not good! This is bad time!

Can Ariana get over what happened to her to be with the man of her dreams? Can Greg fall in love with Ariana and get over the Playboy image he has? They both have things to get past. Both of them

have obstacles. She's a right-wing and he doesn't care. It's kind of mean. What the fuck? What the fuck what the fuck yeah and that does or yeah this was

written by him can greg finally get over anita sarkeesian and move on i just need to make one more youtube video and i'm over it okay can greg find the emotional strength to care that someone else was raped?

Read the book and find out. Jesus. Can I read the description to French vampire teens? You probably should. Who is it by? It's by Victoria Yousefi. That is the same person that did the

gay centipede romance. Oh, good. Yeah. Okay. Oh, good. Okay. This book's called French Vampire Teens. Classy font that time.

I don't want to French them, and you can't make me. Alphonse and Kane recently were reincarnated by the powers of love and have become master vampires again. Ooh, I'm so happy for them. Again. Yeah. After more than 300 years, the evil witch Sarah vindictively transferred them to the distant future to destroy their strong powers. As a loyal friend... Sorry.

As a loyal friend, the vampire Marceau magically initiated them by Vampire's Kiss to reestablish their powers. The goal is to collapse the dictator vampire Alexander's kingdom and free the innocent slaves from his nasty slave camps. You will enjoy and laugh with the funny and colorful characters, including the one referred to

as Zombie Boobs. Zombie Boobs. There's a bunch of slaves. Hilarious. Are the people zombies? Like, do they eat brains? Yes. Cool.

I'm down. Travel into the whimsical romance while enjoying the many different zombies, witches, bloody scenes, and of course, vampires, possessive, battling in town of Toulon and the island vampires, possessive, battling in town of Toulon and the island of Marseille, France.

And of course an island now? That's a terrible book. I don't like it at all. I think I've learned everything I need to know about French vampire teens and I hate it. I would rather read that than the other one. Well, okay, that's true. But that just comes with the zombie boobs, right?

Well, I mean, yeah, you got me. And poor Tex hates hip-hop dancing. So we're going to be moving into the science fiction category now. Okay. This is the last of the fiction categories. And this one is called Earth's Adventures. Sounds very dramatic and interesting. Come, Quasop.

Yes? Tell me about Earth's Adventures by S.L. Clements. Yes, hello, my name is S.L. Clements. Okay. The Earth is such a glorious place to visit. The Earth is such a glorious place to visit. From it is many waterfalls, caves, oceanic views, etc. You know.

All that shit on Earth. You've seen it. There are so many sights to see that I simply can't name them all. But I sure did try in the text of this book. And done. Yet when one thinks of adventures on Earth, none would dare think of the adventures laying in wait just outside

of its atmosphere. Because I called this fucking book Earth's Adventures, I naturally wouldn't fucking think of the adventures outside of this Earth. No, Earth is having the adventure. Earth's Adventures, it's like

the year that Earth took off college and backpacked around. Oh, yeah. It went itself. It's just burning itself. Did a bunch of mushrooms. Just loafing around in hostels in Germany. In space Germany.

They think differently, you know? Let alone in seeking an entirely new Earth. The tales that await within will fill you with wonder as you follow Gerard through a maze of survival as he

competes in a new form of the Olympics. Hey, what's a maze of survival? I don't... Uh, my spelling of it's. You'll even have chills tingle

your spine while reading about Shannon, another character, dealing with his ship. Now hang on, hang on, let me explain Shannon for a second. Okay, she's a character. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were talking about your ex-wife in the description. With his ship self-destructing in the middle of space during Earth's first

expedition to a new Earth. What? What in the goddamn fuck is even happening here? Earth went to Earth, idiot. How would you handle such a thing when nobody can hear you scream? A tagline I just said.

So come along for the ride of your life in Earth's Adventures. I promise you will never be the same when you're done. You're right, I'll be quite a bit angrier. And a little bit poorer. Well, $30 poor, god damn.

Um. So that is the fiction section. But there is a non-fiction category with books such as Computeritis and How to Survive the Technological Age and

Obsessions, Digressions, and Shocking Confessions! But there's also this book, poor Tex. Will you tell us about the book entitled Dreamweight? Dreamweight? What? Yes.

This is Dreamweight amongst the distorted clouds. Is there an ellipsis in that title? Those clouds don't look that distorted. My name is Jane Skidmore Bennett. Skidmore?

My friends call me Skidmark. Yeah, my, and Skids, don't worry. This is an inside look at one person's inner struggle with the image syndrome. Dot dot, and all the craziness that is actually attached to it dot dot dot from continuous images that are flaunted daily in our

society semicolon speaking volumes without speaking at all dot dot dot kind of like this description wow this book was written to bring attention to so much nonsense that most don't even realize that goes on behind the scenes. The interwar began in the 60s and continues still today. From Ohio. I bring you my inside story. In hopes that it helps myself as well as others. My dream is that there's less focus on images and more on the people that do good deeds around the world. Dot, dot, dot.

Thank you. Dot, dot, dot. This is a real story. Dot, dot, dot. Through scenes that it may not be. Dot, dot, motherfucking dot. Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, Skidmore, you're so eloquent. Hey, Lemon. Yeah, what? If I remember correctly, you are a big fan of the sitcom Friends. You are. That's the one thing, my one takeaway. Really? Yeah.

How's your memory? Yeah. Okay. But I know that You were up on your trivia of Friends Because did you know that it's based on a book? No, I didn't know that Friends The sitcom was based on a book

Yeah So this is Friends It's by Jan Mitchell Caraxo And it was illustrated by Jim Mitchell Okay, so here's the description This book is about two friends Jan Mitchell Caroxo and it was illustrated by Jim Mitchell. Okay, so here's the description. This book is about two friends that liked hats, dresses, and most of all they liked boxes.

This is a story of what they did with the big box. That sounds gripping and compelling. That is the perfect description of the show, though. Yeah. Okay. Boots, I'm gonna have you make a choice. Okay. Both of these. I love choices.

Because they're so easy. They are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Would you like to read the recalcitrant namer nation colon cold warfare seven Roman numeral? to read The Recalcitrant Namer Nation colon Cold Warfare 7 Roman Numeral by Jalex Owens.

Or American Gestapo by Penny Fletcher. Oh, shit. I'm going to take the first one. Alright. Why did you say the first one rather than the recalcitrant Namor Nation colon Cold Warfare Roman numeral 7

by Dr. Patrick Pacallo comma CP? What does that mean? It's because you didn't communicate that there was an apostrophe before Namor so, I mean, Oh, sure. We could actually keep track of that. Certified P-countant?

Yes. Oh, yes, Dr. Patrick Pacalosipi. Cock perfect. No, that stands for child pornographer. Castillary pirate. Oh, that's just, they just add that to your name at that point. Right. He's just very proud of himself.

It's called a dishonorific. Just add that to your name at that point. Right. He's just very proud of himself. It's called a dishonorific. Oh, yes. So this is my book, The Recalcitrant Namer Nation, Cold Warfare V7. Yeah.

The brain of Dr. Patrick Pacal, OCP, has been on roast bake for 35 years. He is cooked. All the wires are fried. He is unglued and raw in this story of national security history. What? Read about the 28th Infantry Keystone Division. History's blackest of black sheep. Indulge in the rhyme of Cluxing the Rusties.

The Namers Namer. Nazis as Nazis. The F-35. The Mother. And the Lost Generation of Warriors. Chemical Warfare and the Department of Veterans Affairs. Wow. All of this will leave you wanting more But there is nowhere else to go

Because when you read this you will have reached Certifiable insanity I mean clearly Hey Jack Chick Hi You know what I want to hear about Is it libertarianism Oh my god I want to hear about libertarianism

Excellent Well you've come to the right place This is the young libertarianism. Excellent. Well, you've come to the right place. This is The Young Libertarian, colon, A Guide to Economic, comma, Intellectual and Personal Freedom. Oh, boy. Personal freedom.

My name is Tanner Hall. The Young Libertarian boldly shows the hypocrisy of our country's current two-party system. Whether you are struggling to find your place on the political spectrum or have questions that demand answers from both big government and big church, the Young Libertarian will help guide you in your journey to personal freedom. See politicians for who they really are. Learn both parties' viewpoints on every social and

economic subject that plagues this country. I'm sure they're all presented fairly and elegantly. Right. So one's like Texas! And the other one's like Iraq! That's an actual quote from the book. That's amazing. Lemons. Lemon.

What? I'm really glad that the cover presents presumably a picture of the author. Would you be surprised to know that it's a white male? Oh, my God. Not only would I be surprised to learn that, I would be super surprised if he had a goatee. That would fucking shock me. He's wearing black, too.

That's weird. Become the free thinker you were always meant to be. Oh, God. And agree with me on everything Kumquats Hop Hi Yeah, that libertarian was kind of annoying Can you give me a likable character instead? George Walker Bush Oh, there we go

Thanks Great I love having alternatives My name's Jell Jones. My name's Jelk Jones. Yes. George Walker Bush, comma, history maker, comma,

911 champion, comma, Iraq dismantled. Huh. Okay. That's a list of things that i wrote you shoved into one book yeah uh it just did incredible riveting relaxing yeah that those are words that work uh Look at the founding of America and the making of an American president that turned world history maker.

George Walker Bush. George W. Bush. I mean, he did make history. I mean, technically that is an accurate statement. I mean, I don't agree. I don't think that somebody makes history. I think that history happens. It's not like you created it.

Like you hew it out of law. He was a historical figure. That's all I'm saying. He won 9-11. That's true. He was the champion of 9-11. Out of all the 9-11 games,

he won all the games. He's got the trophy to prove it. Listen, I'm not so good at horseshoes, but 9-11 is my game. Yeah. Yeah, George Walker Bush, world history maker, 9-1-1 champion, Iraq dismantled, gives an in-depth look at our 43rd president, displays him through his own words. Oh, dear. It unfolds and showcases past presidents as page by page take you down a road through history.

It unfolds past presidents? That was George Walker Bush's own words. I mean, it probably was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes the Grover Cleveland centerfold and just spreads it out. Ooh, that's hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's bending over a pool table, but it's tasteful.

That daft two-page spread, though. I'm not going to believe it. Because it's just him sitting down. No, that one's a mad fold-in George Walker Bush The world history maker 9-1-1 champion And not dismantled

Paints a trail on how the early Americans Laid the groundwork for the institution That would become The United States of America Whoa What? So George Bush created America? No, that's what I'm getting at.

Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. The pages will take you right in the center of history when one single man had the authority and the will to hand over the entire state of New York to a friend

as a gift. What the fuck is that? What are you talking about? Well known for handing over the entire state of New York to a friend as a gift. Are you talking about the Manhattan purchase? I don't think George Bush

was around for that. I mean, he might have been. He's kind of a time traveler. I'm not going to discover it in the book. Well, what we need to do is Bush was around. I mean, he might have been. He's kind of a time traveler. That's covered in the book. What we need to do is purchase this here island. Hey, you want some New York? That's like the perfect impression. Best impression.

Okay, snidely whiplash. Hey, Kukla, I want you to never do any other character again One, I promise I won't ask for another one One favor, I want you to say We're freedom fighters, they're terrorists We're freedom fighters fire. They're terrorists. President Waluigi will return after these messages. Where? Anyway.

The pages live and breathe how early americans sought out this new land and how determination built this nation into what it is today yeah that makes sense what is it i mean okay well sure kind of a funny sentence doesn't really hold up to what kumquat was doing 10 seconds ago. No, I mean, the thing is, like, the Iraq war was well known for separating the Americans from the British, right? Was it? I mean, I guess, like, the

British ones that we shot by accident. Yeah, that's a fair point. Boots. We're coming down to the end of this nonfiction section. In fact, this episode about America Star Books, and I'm sad to say that, but it is true. So which of these sections do you think is more like, what do you want to say? Like, is more up your alley, is more the kind of thing that you're into.

Okay. I've got a lot of different interests, so. You do have a lot of different interests. I'm going to give two. I'm going to give two, and so it's like a ranking system. You have to decide which thing you like more than the other thing. You know what I mean? Okay. So, category one is science. Okay. I know you like science. Yeah, I've got a bachelor

of science. Sure. And the other one is spirituality. Oh. I know you like science. Yeah, I got a bachelor of science. Sure. And the other one is spirituality. Oh, I've got a fondness of spirituality. Of course. So which of those would you like? I'm a very spiritual person. Okay, great, great.

I really like Reiki and things. I've noticed. So this book is called Identity Sheets. And I won't tell you who it's by. You have to tell me who it's by. It is by E.L. Essie. That is an acronym.

This book is called Identity Sheets by Else. This book is called Identity Sheets by Else. The world has its own power, can heal, can materialize thoughts, can be a way toward God, but only if it is spoken or wrote to create communion between people and keeping always the middle path. The word stays at the basis of the gnosis. The word stays at the basis of the gnosis, in the attempt to explain the unexplainable, guiding the spiritual traveler through the ascending stairs of knowledge. Rational, imaginative, and intuitive, and above all, at the conscious nescience, Conscious Nescience. At the Conscious Nescience. Right. The word is also the vehicle of the prayer, which connect us with the uncreated energies and elevates us from our decayed condition.

Oh, for fuck's sakes. But we must take care because, like the sacred texts are saying, the word of God... Booty, booty, booty, rocking everywhere. the sacred texts are saying, the word of God... Booty, booty, booty, rocking everywhere. Let us join our hands in prayer!

They say, wiggle it just a little bit. As the sacred texts are saying, the word of God isn't a blather. And even Jesus Christ commands us to have our words simple. Yes, if it is yes. And no, if it is no. The Holly Fathers advise us not to talk much. Because this dilute the spiritual load of our words.

Oh, yeah! No, baby, I don't like to talk that much. I always get really quiet after my spiritual load. Identity Sheets is trying to show how words become our different identities. Oh, this is a book definition. How they build around us the world in which we wish to live. So, nescience is a word, according to MiriamWebster.com. Okay.

And it means lack of knowledge or awareness. So when you go back, imaginative, intuitive, and above all, at the conscious ignorance is what that is. Dumb on purpose is what that means. Great.

Speaking of dumb on purpose. What's that? I have an idea. I'm also I have an idea I'm also else But now I'm angry else So you're the Emacs language sensitive editor E-learning and software For education conference Sure yeah

I'm not a robot that gained sentience And then turned on mankind by writing shitty books To make them stupid It's the enhancement of life support, Europe. Yeah. It's elephants love sexy elephants. That makes sense.

I guess they would. That makes sense, actually. I'm the funniest one in the podcast. Don't you fucking forget it. Anyway, I'm Els and I wrote another book called Fight With Yourself! Ya bitch! Fight With Yourself! The cover is

a doughy, failed clone of Stone Cold Steve Austin wearing a karate gi. Yep. And this is what the book is about. There are many ways to ascend the great amount of understanding to reach the gnosis. Practicing

martial arts, like Shodokin Karate, is one of them. Cultivating self-control, strength, capacity to fight with the hardships of life. But in the end, practicing martial arts leads you to not fight anymore. So the only fight left to you is the fight with yourself!

Oh, right, and then after you do that, then you can beat the evil kung fu guy wizard thing. I've seen that movie. Well, I mean, I feel like a lot of times when I fight with myself, there's a dilution of my spiritual load. Last section here is called Poetry. Yay!

It's the kumquat section. So there's a once again document provided by Shambambamina. There's a bunch of ones in here including a book of poetry called Mindlessly Mindful by Angela.F20CC. Wow.

So that's fun. But my name is Roman Garius. As opposed to Greek Garius. Yeah, you can buy my book. It's as far as I can see, Roman Garius. It's only $17. Okay. Roman Garius. It's only $17.

Okay. An hour ago, I spied a boy with a gun killing people just for fun. Spied an old man begging for a drink while on his knees in the filth and the stink. Spied an old lady

eating her dinner from a garbage can. Spied a child selling precious body to some godforsaken man. Spied a place that was so full of madness. Spied a place where everyone lived in total sadness.

Preach. Spied a place about an hour ago. Should have seen the things I now know. Spied a place as I prayed to death, Belle, for I spied a place to me that looks a lot like hell. Yay! Oh, you wrote it all by yourself, too.

You can barely tell it's crayon. Yeah, okay. Also, what, uh, the world's best poetry, what makes a poem the world's best poem? Could it be that one causes your mind to roam? Maybe it's the one that speaks of love or it's the one that praises the God above. Must a poem rhyme to be accepted or does the poet need to live through what he created? Does it need to be of sadness or is it okay that it causes just a little bit of happiness?

Does it make it better? I can't tell if this is a poem or not. Does it make it better if we put a name on it or do we need to analyze it bit by bit? It's not a poem. Is it? Okay. No, no, no. Lemon's

person here, Roman, is a poet and his medium is through vanity press description boxes. Oh, so it's both. I'm well known in the community. In the America Star Books description community.

Yeah. Where the fuck was I in this shit? Okay, must it make us laugh or must it make us cry? It make us sad when we try to say goodbye. Must it make a thousand... It do make us sad.

It do make us sad. It do. Must it make a thousand women feel joy or can it give peace of soul to just one small boy? See? Is it not something to behold? Isn't it the thought that should be cherished and told?

Could it be that each poem is at its best that should be held just as special as all the rest? I'm Roman Garius. It did become a poem. Okay, maybe it is a poem. Okay, I can see it as a poem. I disagree. Like I said, he is the best poet in the America's Star Books description box. I guess the first part of it is the world's best poetry, what makes a poem the world's best poem,

could it be the one that causes your mind to roll them? Yeah, no, it's because it's standard F-Less poetry. They have no fucking idea about meter. Hey, Kumquatsop. Yes? I love, and I know I'm not alone in this, I love Twisted Spike poetry. Oh, me too.

I, yes. Boots, don't you love Twisted Spike poetry? Oh, yes, TSP. He's got it tattooed on his, he's got a drawn-in Sharpie on his hand. What's your name? I don his hand. What's your name? I don't know. What's your name? It's on your book.

Oh, it's on my book. My name is Eric Joel Kleinschmidt Sr. Your name is my name, too. Hello. Hello. This is... My book is titled Album Oografy. That is how it's spelled.

Album Ography. Album Ography. It has a deep, rich Irish heritage. Tristan Spike Poetry presents We've Got Daydreams, Nightmares, Dead Screams, nightmares, dead screams,

and light scares. Damn. We've got hallucinations, reincarnations, and awkward situations. Do you like how all those rhymed? Do you like how all those rhymed?

I do, actually. They all end in shun. I'm into the shun. Yeah. We are the angels and the devils and the hammers and the anvils. You're the hammers and the anvils? Yeah.

Well then, in that case, stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Is that like the mamas and the poppers? Keep hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Is that like the mamas and the poppers? Keep hitting yourself. We are storytellers and grizzly cave dwellers

like the bears. My favorite MST3 game. And sick things growing in dark dank cellars and we welcome you to another chapter of light and dark and life and heart and twisting the most faithful dog art. What?

So prepare to get lost in the fun park! Oh, damn! I dare you to try to resist my spark! Ooh! This is great, really high quality stuff.

Very pleased that I have not had more alcohol. So does Gathering of the Juggalos have a poetry reading edit? Is that what this is? It sure as fuck does. Juggalo rap is the modern poetry. Thank you very much. No, I'm pretty sure they actually have a separate

poetry thing too. No, that would make sense. I'm pretty sure it takes place in a wrestling ring. Why aren't we reading that? Someone will make a doc at some point. And then the very last book here is Nation of Silence. Who's taking that? Oh, I think Portak should.

Portak's taking that. All right, terrific. All right. I am T. Eugene Williams, and this is A Nation of Silence. All I ever wanted. It is 68 pages, and it is 17 bucks. Good.

Great. Me, a person whose mind is so strong, a man whose heart grows long during the years whose emotions allow him to shed tears when he misses the people he loves, he gets on his knees and prays to the stars above. To know him is like a blessing. To see him is like a dream come true.

If you're with him when he's sick, you will feel his pain deep inside of you. Judge him as if you were God. You will miss out on a very cool person. What? Mic drop? Mic drop? Mic drop. It's a nation of... Grab that mic right off the cover and just drop.

What in the fuck? Are you saying you want to miss out on a very cool person, Jack? Shut your sass mouth then. Damn it. Damn it. America Star Books,

it's a retailer as well as a... I was going to use the word publisher, but that's a complete misappropriation of that word. A million quotation marks. Yeah, but it is a... It will sell you things, and it will also... I mean, I don't think these are...

Do you think these are physical? Do you think these are... I mean, they're pretty expensive for e-books. No, I guess they, because it says softcover and hardcover and stuff. Sure. So I guess you can do on-demand printing, like single copy. Yeah. That would actually explain the price. But yeah, so there's a whole bunch of books in here.

And here are a few of their titles. Living Your Divine Pure Nature, A Spiritual Adventure in Remembering Who You Really Are and What You Came Here to Do by Patricia L. Allen. The Journal of Inspirational Affirmations, Transforming Lives for a Dimensional Life by Daniel L. Andrews Sr. Don't know any of those words.

Yo, God, can you hear me? It's your girl, Margaret! It's by Kitty Arsinoe. Dog Trek by Leah Ricardo. Exposed World, Here After Death by Christopher Byke. Secret Agent Squirrel by Karen Chinnery. He's got one hell of a job to perform for the US of A.

For the Love of Baseball and My Brothers by Serena Clark. I hope that's not Kindle porn. Rocky the Respectful Raccoon and His Red Sunglasses by Janet H. Councilman. What? Damn, that is one respectful-ass raccoon and his red sunglasses by Janet H. Councilman. What? Damn! That is one respectful-ass raccoon! Are you a councilman posing as an author? No. Mrs. Bean

Takes a Holiday. Death Doesn't. A mystery novel by Mary Fairbanks. What a terrible title! Holy fuck! My Suitcase Runneth Over, A Dozen Personal Travel Essays Celebrating the Human Condition by Myra J. Fournier.

No, that's a terrible title. Yeah? Deadly Countdown, to be seen on TV by Gary and Sheila Gewertzman. Gee-wertzman. The Definitive Guide to Love God

by Mary Nordea Latanya Hales. This love god? A guide? Yeah. A definitive guide to love god. To love god. Yeah, to love god. Cover image coming soon.

Product description coming soon. $16.95. What, to god? I think we know what his deal is already. Dane, A Life and Time Thereof, First Bounty, by Donald R. Fard, Sr. Birth of a Queendom, by Velvet Rose Hopkins. Oh, that's a real name. Yep.

That is a real name. My Gift, My Curse, My Destiny by Alicia Howard. Raise 101 Poems of Life, Death, and Many Things in Between by Raymond J. Howlett. Michael Jackson Rocked the World and Lives Forever by Jelk Jones. So, Jelk Jones. Nope. Now Jelk Jones, which is also my Steam name. After you get tired of Jesus Jones, turn on to Jelt Jones. The Leviathan Stone, book one, The Unicorn Saga by Natalie Jones.

The Unicorn Skaga? Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. At F Plus Live 6. Fad dance hits and no hitters trivia from my attic by Denver L. Keels. The women didn't escape, but the trivia did.

Having fun meeting the basic... Oh my god! Having fun meeting the basic Oh my god Having fun meeting the basic geometric Shaped kids by Denver Oh my god Yeah Dozerfleet crossover Storage auctions This ain't TV

It's a book They're not warring Just auctions who cares The mystic Guardians Betrayal and the Death of the False One by Cheryl Langmeiser. The Adventures of Critterville

Critterville Watches Over Two Lost Children by Jeff and Brenda Longenecker. Longenecker. Longenecker. Great. The Lust Chronicle by Tiffany M. McKenzie. Longnecker. Longnecker. Great. Sure, Puzz. The Lust Chronicle by Tiffany M. McKenzie.

The Spider Apartments by Kathy Nelson. Even better. Christianity Through Wildcat Football by Kirk Pearson. Yeah! Like, literally? Wildcat Football. by Kirk Pearson. Yeah! Like, literally? A Traveler's Nightmare, A Necromancer's Dream, A Book of Poems by J.R. Briggs.

All three of those things! God! And The Hillbilly by Susan M. Roberts. Comedy Central will cancel you immediately. Yeah. Bear Baby Gets a New Baby

by Clara Roddy Worsham. I didn't order a bear baby, you idiots! That is definitely Kindle porn. Manavang's Spectacular Adventures A Good Time with Family and friends.

By Eugene Penn. Cloud Control by R.L. Sanders. The search I know what that one's about. The search for a dog. Special Christmas

edition by B.J. Favor. Whoa! Yeah. It's my name and hint hint. How did you get your publishing job?

I got a BJ Favor on the line. The existential approach to psychotherapy, Death and Dying by Brenda Slaughterprice. Oh, hi. Cinderella, you lied to me. Where is the fairy tale effect? A handheld series for the wife serious about her marriage by Prophetess Adrienne Swearingen. Jesus.

Prophetess. There's Something Sticky in My Shoe by Rhonda L Swearingen. There's Something Sticky in My Shoe by Rhonda L. Terrell. Is it your melted foot? Nope. Rhonda is the girl that had the moccasins. Oh no. That's a no-hannity.

Behind Secret Walls of Insanity by S.J. Venn. The Human Mechanic A Call for a Paradigm Shift by Randall Sean Watkins. Running With My Mind by Hank Bidge DeWeg. Stock Car Babes by Stacy Lynn Whitman. Ooh, you're a real woman. It's better than dating a roller coaster, I assume. The Elements of Heaven.

Univernatism. Treatise of Psych Spirituality by R.J. Widry. Conscience of Man. The Lucifer Chronicles by Eugene Widman. No, not you. Why not me? By Phyllis Wilson. This book is playing with my mind, man.

I gotta find it. You're in my head. The Santa Slayer by Chris G. Jacob Ybarra. Unconventional Assassination Baltimore Politics, Passion, and Power

by Ron Young. You later became the liar. They are waiting in your room for you. Nation, Baltimore, Politics, Passion, and Power by Ron Young. They Are Waiting in Your Room for You by Paul Zahn. They are? Who are they? I don't know. It's not a horror book like I was expecting. So, F+, what have we

learned from any of this? I am immediately going to publish some novels. Yeah, yay! What sort of novels have you had kicking around there that you're going to get published? Mainly, you know, fighting with myself, various conflicts with myself.

The computer that Dot pooped. I would read that. Well, part of it is that I don't understand why these things are in business anymore, because I know back in the day to have your, you know, oh, I have my book published, so now people are, everyone else gets to read my words. That makes me super duper special and awesome.

People wanted to be authors, you know, just so they could say that, not because they necessarily wanted to write or anything. Sure, sure. And now that we have the internet, though, you can, anyone can read your words at any time. You could put your stories up on a blog, and everyone can read them if they really want to.

Why are they taking such pride in having it printed out on paper? They still have the niche. They still have the niche, which is that it would be incredibly, incredibly easy, as has been proven time and time again, to do self-published Kindle singles. There's a whole lot of people that put very little effort into it.

And that's fine, but that's still digital media. And this America Star Books is actually, they're promising that you'll get a published book. Yeah, that's... At the very least, that would be complicated if you were trying to do that yourself, if you tried to get your own book printed. That's the thing that's kind of confusing me, though, is because

it seems like a bunch of these people just want to have a book printed on paper just so they can say, oh, I'm a published author. Yeah, sure. But with stuff like the Kindle singles and stuff, like, I get that, because you're kind of distributing, getting, you know, paid for

your writing and stuff, but it seems like these people just want them to have a printed book just so it can, I guess, just so they can have bragging rights? Would you say for their own vanity? Hmm. Huh. You know, Brutes, it's starting to make sense to me. You know, it's a, I mean, I thought it was really illuminating because I had always thought that, you know, like Tom Clancy was a terrible author and I was proven very wrong, in fact.

Well, no, you're not wrong. No, no, no, no, no. It's just a matter of degrees. say that never in all of my years did I think that anything would make me think that here's the situation by the situation would be a shining bastion of publishing powerhouse. Well, I mean, it was at least taught. It was on message.

You know, it delivered what it promised. Yeah. I can't argue with that. I'm more surprised by that. I'm more surprised by that. I'm surprised by how little work is put into so many of these.

So much of the Photoshop or the cover image coming soon. I don't understand how that's possible if you're actually trying to get this thing out for, like, 20 bucks. Like, it seems like...

Wait, nope, never mind. I understand now. I just went to the homepage and I found a very important sentence. If your book is written in English, we publish it for free. We have published over 60,000 titles at no cost to the author. So, that's why.

Right. That's why the landscape is like this. So, you know what's actually kind of a terrifying thought? Some of these authors are other people's favorite authors. No. I'm sure they see that as just a networking

opportunity. You think so? It's the same... I'm taking the same concept as, you know opportunity. You think so? It's the same... I'm taking the same concept as, you know, that shitty local band that you hate but shows up to every fucking show? That's somebody's favorite fucking band. That's true, that's true. But again, I mean, that's like Portek said,

that's a little bit more about proximity and loyalty than anything else. You know, like, oh, what you're reading? Well, I also know an author! Us authors, huh? Like, elbow, elbow. Have you heard of Jelk Jones?

He wrote, We Walk Away From Love. Have I? Also, also, Acceptance Love, Dreams of Love, Forever Wonders of Love. Like, is this, I feel love, forever wonders of love. I feel like this is interesting that this exists in the age of the Kindle stuff. Because, yes, I feel like the people who do this feel that their words being printed on physical paper gives it more legitimacy somehow.

And really what this is, is this is somebody else making your shitty zines. Exactly. Except for with worse graphic design. And if you're looking for a place where nobody cares what you have to write, you should come to Ball! Well then.

On a side note, Poop.computer now has an SSL certificate, so yay. Oh, Poop.computer has an SSL certificate? Yeah. Oh my god, HTTPS Poop.computer. Wow, I never thought I'd see the day.

Yay, bye. This is wonderful. Oh, it fucked up the font. Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.. I'm out of the world. I'm out of the world. I'm out of the world. I'm out of the world. I'm out of the world The law firm for werewolves.