The F Plus - 240: You Need Satan More Than He Needs You

Episode Date: January 14, 2017

The Satanic International Network (or SIN, hyuk hyuk) bills itself as "the most popular social networking site for Satanists". While I'm not really sure how many sites they beat out for that title, what we have here is a site where various flavors of Satanist can share their feelings on religion, magick, trans rights and the New World Order and none of it will be elucidating. This week, imagine standing on the beach when 800,000 F Plus listeners walk by you.

Orgasm! Drugs! Meditation! Welcome. Welcome. You are one of the select few to enjoy the F Plus podcast. A terrible place, there's terrible things, they're red with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. Aw, Satanist, he's going to kill us all for his dark lord, god help us.

John Toast. I'm currently, at this very moment, playing Need for Speed Underground 2 for PS2. Come quads up! Asterisk. Raises a sardonic eyebrow. Asterisk. Nutshell Gulag! I find that some of the best forms of McGick are found in fantasy novels. Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series really blew my mind. For the first time in a while, his name is Stog! I currently have a fetish for the

Left 4 Dead series at the moment. And Lemon. The presenters will range from Satanists, Luciferians, Pagans, Wiccans, Voodoo Witch Doctors, Magicians, and all sorts of eclectic, esoteric

practitioners of all types related to the occult. Admission is $200. Yay! Yay! No outside food or drink. Except from Johnny Rad's. It's very intense. Except from Johnny Raz. Hey, F+. Hello. Hey, Lemon. I'm feeling strong He got his

Hey F Plus Hello Hey Lemon Hi Lemon Hey are you guys all feeling Spiritually fulfilled Not particularly My soul is empty

I'm sorry I'm sorry Do you think that Do you think that there's just not enough um space for spirituality in your life not particularly i mean if you count all the rats i've been trying to catch and eat for the last month maybe why have you been doing that is there religious reasons or just because you're weird? I need the experience points. Okay. Well, how about... Stog's level one.

Yeah. It seems like you're not particularly spiritually fulfilled. Are you socially fulfilled? The rats sometimes give good conversation, but... Stog, I think I might know why you're not spiritually fulfilled. Why is that? It's because you keep doing this voice. This dog has a condition where every time I ask him a question,

he whines in a higher pitch. I didn't ask you a question. Anyway, I want to talk to you about a place where you can be both spiritually and socially fulfilled. A document given to us by the combination of the Lesbiathon and the Heavenator. A power couple with a bunch of

great documents in here. And this is a website called www.satanicinternationalnetwork.com Yay! Yes, the Satanic International Network, it is a social community

for Satanists to meet each other and talk about being Satanists and how cool it is to be Satanists. I mean, maybe they fuck. I don't know. I don't know if Satanists can fuck around. Can Satanists fuck Google? I think so, but there has to be, like, lots of candles and chanting.

So, Boots, I'm looking here at this site. It's really cool. There's a pentacle, or pentagram, one of them, anyway. There's a star, and then it says sin in it, because Satanic International Network is sin. Get it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. or pentagram one of them anyway uh there's a star and then it says sin in it because satanic international network is sin yeah yeah yeah well now that it's a pun i love it that much more like that video game it's exactly like that video game and it looks equally as good uh but tell me about the satanic international network won't you sure join now welcome to the most active and

popular social networking site for Satanists. This network was designed for Satanists and other LHP practitioners, but all critical thinkers of any faith and philosophy are invited to participate here. Enjoy your stay and make the most of it. This is the place to be if you're looking for camaraderie

not quite spelled correctly. Comrade close. Comrade-ry. Comradery with fellow Satanists on the path. To join all Not quite spelled correctly. Comrade Close. Comrade Rye. Comrade, Comradery with fellow Satanists on the path. To join all you need

is to register. The network is free to all users. We hope to serve as a networking hub for like-minded individuals. A loosely structured cabal stretching around the world

is what you see here. Oh, you know, so it's like a clive barker novel except it's on a shitty web forum no it's a cabal yeah many have forged friendships both on a causal and intimate level here causal like i call it causal yeah i i i caused you to be friends with me yeah a lot of typos that's how sat. Okay. Oh, I think that's supposed to be casual? Yes. Yep.

Oh, okay. The possibilities are only limited by your abilities. Be on your best game. We expect no less. Wow. Stratification is in full effect here, so hold your own. You may find yourself being crushed under the wheel of satanic progress. That's...

Well, thank you. This network is free to use. If you're interested in the organization, please go here. Why is satanic progress a wheel? Because it crushes. Like wheels. It's a crushing wheel, yeah. It's, yeah.

It's like the kind of wheel that processes wheat. Failure to read and obey site policy is grounds for your termination without warning. Yeah, the Satanic International Network was established by Zach Black in 2010. Excellent. Do you think he changed his name? No.

No, I'm sure he was born Zach Black. But tell me about Zach Black, the founder of this website. Sure, Zach sure he was born Zach Black. But tell me about Zach Black, the founder of this website. Sure, Zach Black's username is Zach Black. My gender is the shit. What are you looking for there, Zach? I'm looking for female. I'm also looking for knowledge, as well as friends, meetup, and like-minded individuals.

You're looking for a large combination of singular plural and group things uh-huh i'm uh here for fun friendship dating whatever interested yeah hey what religion what religion are you oh uh my religion is satanist don't say good and uh what what city what city oh san diego hey another reason to go to San Diego. Yay! I really would have guessed Florida. I am surprised. How did I hear it? Want to know how I heard about this?

Yeah, how did you hear about this site? Me. That's quite a referral. Okay, so we are going to cut right into the thoughts and opinions of this terrific social network. The Heavenator and Lizbiathan have broken this into sections, and section one is called McGick. Yay.

So come quats up. Yes, hello. Come quats up. Your name is Daniel Ford, and why don't you tell me about Sexmagic. Hello, my name is Daniel Ford. I am here to tell you about Sexmagic Rights Forum. I feel it is better to have three participants at least when conducting a first degree master ritual involving sex. Interesting. Okay.

You must have the two copulating and yourself saying the incantations and making the symbols. Uh, okay. Yeah. Now invoke the sacred rites. Face down, ass up. That's the way we like to fuck. I mean, that sounds a little cucky, but that's fine, ass up. That's the way we like to fuck. I mean, that sounds a little cucky, but that's fine, I guess. Before you all...

You guys just keep fucking over there. I'm going to say this vaguely Latin bullshit, okay? I'm going to do spells! Lorem ipsum dullum. Oh, God. Oh, great. That's a placeholder spell. Great.

I'm not going to be able to kiss my boss tonight because you two ladies are fucking making out on the couch. Great job. All right, keep going. Before you all do it, you should all rehearse because it will really work best when climax is achieved. When you invoke the spirit or god form into you. Okay, alright, that sounds good. You should wear a black or purple or red robe and be completely naked underneath. Awesome.

With your erect scepter exposed. Oh, we're playing Revolution. Where's Waldo? I just don't. But scepters are erect. They're like solid stuff. I don't get it. I'm not 100% sure that he's making innuendo here.

It's hard to tell. There's like 10% of me that's like, he might actually mean holding onto a scepter. What else do I do with this spell? You don't want to grab the flaccid scepter instead. Yeah. That's one wicked scepter.

It's just really cold in here. You yourself must not ejaculate! Pay close attention to the couple, and they must be very strict and in control of their lust, as they must both climax at the very height of the ceremony when you make the awaited symbol and invoke the god or spirit by name. Chat faster, Daniel!

You guys aren't fucking right. No, you're doing it all wrong. Fuck like in my anime. Why did you stop? Sexual energy is just as strong as blood. By that reckoning, they really should be having sex when the lady's having her period.

Oh, shit. That sounds very satanic. And will work to give the spirit or god form the vital life force it needs to temporarily possess you and empower you with its attributes.

As soon as you feel it, take possession of you, make your wish and your will known out loud and direct it at the pentacle gate at the corresponding cardinal point with your wand or sword. Ooh, baby. Then, once this, the

most important part of the ritual is complete, you may stand there for a while in ecstasy, allowing the spirit or god form to also enjoy the miracle the magical union has just achieved. Ugh. Great.

You all of a sudden turned into a flowery hippie there. At the end, do not cleanse slash dispel the circle or the chamber with six magick. You must always allow the energy and any other spirits the ceremony may

have summoned to linger on this plane as long as they desire. This will only increase the potency of the operation and prolong its power. Eventually they'll leave with their own volition anyways. The only thing that truly holds them and binds them is lust and sex. That is why it is highly advised that

right after the operation completed, you join the copulating couple and or any other participants and all indulge in a frenzy of unbounded, lost, and sexual activity for as long as you can. Wait, but they already... That just sounds like a recipe for a haunted dog.

They already came by your rationale, right? Because you were over there doing your shit and you instructed them to come at the appropriate time, and then you're like, okay, my spell's done, here I come! They're enjoying the afterglow and you're doing some sort of satanic belly flop on them.

Cannonball! Cannonball, guys! And what's really unfortunate is they actually have a black light installed down there because of all the posters. This will also be your offering to the god form or spirit for which it will undoubtedly be grateful and will seek to perform its service to the utmost. and will seek to perform its service to the utmost. And the fruit of your labor need not at all be benevolent or of the amorous type.

You can just as well use sexual energy to charge the spirit or god form to bring punishment and destruction upon your enemies as well as make someone fall madly in love with you. I don't know. I don't know. Do I have to be fucking while that happens? Yeah. It seems like at the end of this ceremony, you're sort of sexually frustrated and alone. Why is that?

Hate fucking doesn't work the way I thought it did. Thanks, everybody. My name is Daniel Ford, and my gender is pimp. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Are you dressed like a Jedi? Oh, you absolutely are. He's dressed like a Jedi. He's an agnostic Satanist.

He's a Jedi with a gun. That makes it twice as edgy. And as far as the philosophy, I find Levain Satanism suits me just fine. Hi. Mr. John Toast? Hi.

I'm the blithering one. Oh. Okay. So there's a thread here I won't bother reading the title of, but you participate in this thread. What do you have to say? Well, I have this theory. participate in this thread. What do you have to say? Well, I have this theory.

I feel like Trump used satanic magic to win the election and everyone's afraid to admit it. Oh, God. Fucking sheeple. The way he talks and goes about things, he just seems to be that kind of satanist

that is too myopic to realize that he shouldn't be such a dick. He's one of those Satanists. Wow. I wonder what that pie chart looks like. When even Satan's like, tone it down. Come on. Tone it down?

You're making us look bad here. I'm no expert on the Satanic Bible. So, I'm no expert on the satanic Bible. I read it a few times, but it's not like I can recite passages, and I lost my copy years ago. Oh, okay. But, all that stuff about using what you have, you know, the stuff about if you're pretty, then use it to your advantage. If you're ugly, then use that to your advantage. if you're ugly, then use that to your advantage. And then I say a bunch of stuff about Trump is great,

like has this enigmatic presence, and then I talk about the cable guy, I think. The movie The Cable Guy? Yeah, the movie The Cable Guy. Oh, good, okay. That's what you do. I believe that some things are evil. Perhaps there's evil in everything. Thing is, we can harness that evil to facilitate our own needs and desires.

Yet I've not heard that Trump is a Satanist. Yet I've watched him use McGick. I think maybe you misheard. Maybe he was talking about his dick. And you heard his dick. And now, a special democracy now. I'm going to summon the best demon. It's going to be huge. And then I said, I'll just go ahead and grab him by the scepter.

And I'm also going to make Mexico pay for this. Like, nobody's ever summoned a bigger demon than I have. The C-SPAN camera just pans over to Mike Pence Who just shrugs his shoulders Yep, it's a living I've watched Musemageek and I've just wondered If he really understands what he's doing Not in the sense of being completely unqualified to be president No

I'm talking about fucking around with forces that lead to your demise If you don't tread lightly and intelligently Alright, listen Nuclear Armageddon is one thing forces that lead to your demise if you don't tread lightly and intelligently all right listen nuclear armageddon is one thing but i don't think you understand the forces that you're fucking with here if he is a satanist and is hiding it he shouldn't yeah well at this point like you might as well just come out he seems more he seems more like a corporate weasel than that would use any weapon to win the war he wages. I don't trust him.

It's that mistrust that you feel for someone that you know would use your sister or possibly fuck with your kid's head. I really think he's a sociopath, and I know I'm not alone in thinking that. He's the ultimate psychic vampire using satanic ideologies for a very selfish purpose. The ultimate psychic. Okay, gotcha. Hey, the blithering one uh-huh uh can you just tell me a little bit about yourself at all is there anything you can tell me about yourself um well i'm i'm a gym yeah yeah i'm a male i'm a philosopher. I'm a musician. I'm an aspie.

I guess it's okay for me to use that word. I'm a seer. I'm a nonsensicalist. I'm a neologist. I'm no one. Oh, he forgot to include really fun at parties. Hey, the blithering one. Oh, he forgot to include really fun at parties. Hey, the blithering one, what's the worst thing to be a Satanist? The worst thing to be a Satanist is that you can't leave it because Satanists are born and not made.

Really? Okay, is this something where your mother has to be a Satanist? It's not a phase, Mom. I was born in hellfire. The darkness consumes me. Go to your room. By the way, come close up. You were looking at a little bit more of Yes, hello. No, no, no, no.

My name is Daniel Ford. By the way, that's a real Colt 1911 I'm holding. You can tell by the soft, rounded edge of the trigger guard. But it's too damn big to carry around. For that, I used my.357 Magnum snub nose. It's a six-shooter, but boy, if one of them suckers hit you, it'll knock the wind out of y'all. Even if ooh wearing a vest, if ooh ain't ah, get it or hiss. Anybody here that likes shooting cocaine right as they orgasm?

A great pick, but never solo. Lol. Like shooting cocaine with a gun? Yeah. Your gender is pimp. Yeah. Yeah. Things can get really interesting when you write comments on Xanax and vodka. Whoa!

But my favorite drug's actually PCP. I find it's even better for sex than crystal or flaka. Flame. Waka flaka flame. Make your dick feel like it's bigger than your whole body.

Got a main drug Got a mistress And yes, you can finish college And be a productive member of society While doing all these things I just did Okay, cool You're, uh, fun I like you, you're super cool

Thanks, hi Awesome Uh, document once again Lizbiathon, Heavenator Thanks, hi! Awesome. Document, once again, Lizbiathon, Heavenator, terrific. There's a section in here about psychic vampires. It's really good. I love psychic vampires. But I got more stuff

that I want to get to, so I want to skip that. THTFPL.us, we have the doc. But, Nutshell, you have a question that you wanted to ask the Satanic International Network. And what is that? Boy, I sure do. Well, my name is Johnny Watts, and I've been a Satanist for at least seven years now.

And for most of it, I've been alone in its practice. While practicing alone, I read about as much as I could about the philosophy behind Satanism, and one thing above all stood out to me. The Satanist must be competent and strong in his pursuits. As such, I've made strides to ensure some semblance of competence in my life. I ended up dropping out of college earlier in life, but I got an apprenticeship-like

job and eventually got promoted to a senior management position. Hell yeah. Ain't nobody stealing from my best buy. I then got busted for drugs and ratted out the whole mob. Now I'm back in college to finish what I started

graduating next year from a semi-prestigious school. After that, it'll be a master's from which I will attempt to join the aerospace industry. But enough about me. My question is basically this. Does Satanism attract failures? No, dog.

Fucking Marilyn Manson brings it hot. Because based on observation, I've recently come to the conclusion that the membership of Satanism consists largely of failures of life, based on my observations. Minimum wage workers, the unemployed, those who do not walk a clearly defined path towards a better life, or those who don't even have a plan for their lives.

Why is this? I'm not sure LeVay would be happy if his entourage who hung out in his black house consisted mostly of such failures. Well, okay, okay, okay. So the people who lived in his house, who, like, you know, mooched off him for, like, rent and shit like that, and he, like, had sex with them, and they, like, allowed him to, like, read his boring, like, book, he would be like, all these guys are obviously cool, but I don't like losers.

Well, yeah. Given our philosophy, should we not be pursuing the betterment of our lives? Okay. Yeah, I suppose. Oh, God. And Stog, in the same thread, if you'll take Rob...

I love it Because it's a social network It's sort of modeled after Facebook Although it's obviously spookier But you got a lot of real names here It's fun But anyway Stog Your name is Rob Graves

And you got something to say here Yeah my name is Rob Graves You're a chapter head Whatever that means I am a chapter head I've made some of these observations, Johnny. I think that the reason the lifestyle attracts such people is primarily because people who don't amount to much generally have typical personality traits. And one is being flamboyantly inflammatory.

Yeah, that's pretty typical. Yeah. I guess about maybe among your friends. That's pretty typical. Yeah. I guess about maybe among your friends. One could potentially argue for days as to whether this trait of theirs is caused by their failures, whether their failures are caused by the trait.

But I feel the end result is the same, varmint. Yeah. Wow. Excellent. Excellent. They find the trappings of the satanic path perfectly caustic and use it to further their hobbies of pretending to be persecuted and pissing off their parents.

Now that I can get that. Wow. These people tend to be intimidated by the company of other Satanists and their satanic facades tend to crumble in the face of any real scrutiny.

I don't particularly count these people as Satanists. However, at the same time, I feel it is nearly always worth noting that LaVey did not present the one and only satanic path, and so not everyone stands to be judged by his standards. Ah, so it's the no true Satanist fallacy. No true Satanist. I'm a bassist in a band.

You are. You're the head of the Dallas chapter of the Satanic International Network. I just can't get over flamboyantly inflammatory. Like, do they just walk into a room and then throw their hands? You're a bitch! Do they just walk into the room and just throw up their hands like hitler had some great ideas let me tell you all about why gamer game is so great while i play my bass guitar oh great can i kill you with that bass guitar right now hey rob graves hey rob graves uh how did you find out about the satanic international network kill you with that bass guitar right now? Hey, Rob Graves.

Hey, Rob Graves. How did you find out about the Satanic International Network? How did you hear about this network? Oh, you know, Satan told me. Wow. You get connections. Yeah. My name's Shadow Lover.

I'm a member of this website. And I wanted to take this opportunity to talk about something that I don't think anyone has ever talked about on the internet. And that's the New World Order. Yay! Yeah, so there are people out there that want to rule the world. No. Everybody does. Yeah, no, everybody wants to rule the world. I don't support globalism.

Not because I don't think it would be lovely if we all got along and we were fair and our ultimate leaders had our best interests at heart. Period. But let's face it. As humans are, those notions are a pile of doo-doo. Oh my God. Language. You're a Satanist. Yeah. So, the other guy, like, Kumquatsops guy couldn't say cock.

I can't say shit. Actually, a pile of doo-doo is more realistic because at least it had a tangibility. Oh, shit. Literally. Way to go, high school live journal user. Okay, shit. Way to go, high school live journal user. Okay, guys. Guys, here's an important

thing to know before I continue talking. Yes? This post isn't about minorities or religions or races. Oh, boy. That's a surefire way to guarantee that it's about religions, minorities, and races.

I have many friends who are minorities or religions or races. They're not pawns. It's about how they're being used as pawns. Imagine standing on the beach in Greece and watching 800,000 immigrants walk by you. That would be a crowded beach. Do they walk out of the water? Are they mermen? Yes, they're immigrating from the ocean.

Oh, is this the new trailer for Death Stranding? Yeah. God. About 70% of which are military-age men with an aggressive presence. The sight, comma, should make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. Something in your gut should twinge and tell you this is a volatile solution. You know, this thing that happens. Situation.

Situation. Like the invasion of Atlantis is volatile. Got it. Here's a preposterous situation. Are you upset by the thought of it? If you are an unaccompanied woman, you should be hiding behind the biggest fucking tree you can find. Right. Unless you are accompanied by, you know, a chaperone.

Yep. Wait, so, doo-doo, but biggest fucking tree? Like, what are the... I don't know. I don't know. I'm sure I have an intrinsic logic. No, you have to...

It's a tree for fucking. Yeah. Yeah, it's a fucking tree. It's like the giving tree, but the Satanist version. Oh, the fucking ficus. Okay, yeah. So you remember

I was talking about those 800,000 immigrants that walk by you? Yeah. Being around 500,000 men, many of whom come from a war zone, I guess maybe 300,000 of

my fictitious immigrants are women, I guess? He said 70% of them are military-age men. His math doesn't entirely add up, but it's all right. Okay, okay, okay. Good. Gotcha. Okay. Many of whom come from a war zone, many who are willing to do what it takes to get what

they want. Period. And guys want rape! Yay! Absolutely, Satanists do. They are angry. You should be afraid. This is your survival instinct.

Now, instead of having your concerns validated, you are belittled for them, and have it implied that you are somewhat substandard. You will even have fascists willing to bash you for being afraid. You know, all of those fascists that are pro-immigrant. Guys, I'm really in support of the horde of Greeks coming out of the sea.

It's awesome. People are developing a fear of fear. Thank you. CafePress, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. CafePress.com. Thank you, President Roosevelt. Hey, guys.

You've heard of the straw man argument. How about the 500,000 straw man argument? Straw hoard argument. They are burying their fear and ignoring it. They are ignoring their basic survival instincts. The lesson the ultimate leaders want us to learn here is, comma, don't trust your instincts or your gut. Don't trust yourself.

They are removing your confidence and thinking for yourself. They are removing your sense of self. Oh, God. Well, this did a pretty good job of removing my sense of self because I have no idea what the fuck this is talking about. So I'm, like, I'm lost forever. Like, what the hell? There is no way in hell I'm letting you read the next paragraph.

Yeah, so the next paragraph is... Just read the first part, just the first sentence. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Actually, because the first sentence, yeah, that's what this whole paragraph is anyway. In Australia, our national anthem has been removed from most schools because it is offensive to Muslim people. Crikey.

I don't know really anything about Australian politics, so I'm assuming that that's true. Right. Well, the first line of the national anthem should have been, we should all eat pig while drawing. It's got a catchy rhythm mate anyway anyway so thank you boots thank you for skipping past that paragraph because there's probably like gross things in it let's go to the next paragraph can we skip this one all the other ones after then we have the gender issues good. Let's go to the previous paragraph. Too late now. The Safe Schools program was being sold as an anti-bullying program, which sounds cool.

In fact, when you look at it deeper, it is a program devised to introduce children as young as five to transgender issues. Oh, boy. Where little boys will be encouraged to wear dresses of scourge. Hey! Hey! Stop bullying that kid on Facebook! Also, wear this pretty gown. Let me tell you about Laura Ingalls Wilder.

I don't give a fuck who marries who. I actually support the idea of polygamy, too. Who's that? Really? She needs to get a chance. Tell us more. I support the idea of polygamy as I feel it is sometimes a natural occurrence within our species. Are you fucking kidding me?

Polygamy is a sometimes fuck. Oh my god. I'm toast. I'm fucking fired. Well, it's hellfire. It's fire. By the sight. Oh boy, this is just a lot of gross.

I don't blame the LGBT community For the current politics As I feel they are pawns Hey, I believe other minorities Are also being used as pawns E.g. Black Lives Matter Minorities are being used to divide And conquer us as a society

What? Oh no Wait, keep reading Yeah, I'm confused a little bit now What? Oh, man. Oh, no. Wait. Keep reading. Yeah, I'm confused a little bit now. Okay. So, yeah, like I said, you're following me, right, Kung Kwa Sa? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Minorities are being used to divide and conquer us as a society?

Yeah. So removing the Confederate flag also did this. Oh, yeah, the Confederate flag of Australia. I've heard of that. Boy, the South shall rise again, mate. I mean, it's just the ocean, but it's fine. It was brother against kangaroo. Kangaroo versus koala.

Koala versus person. And then the spiders won because they killed everyone. By the way, are we moving on from Shadowlover? Because I want to point out that I looked at her profile pic, and she kind of looks like if Daenerys from Game of Thrones was played by Divine. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Solid.

I'm a Libra, by the way, just so you know. Oh, good. We share a sign. I'm going to go jump off of... I'm going to go jump on some scales and hope they kill me. Hey, hey, hey. What should we do when the dust settles? What should we do when the dust settles?

Once the dust settles, how do we reunite the people so that they can live happily and homogeneously within the program? What program? Make sure they're pasteurized. You give them a ritual which they can all share and a god they can all worship together. The global warming god. Holy shit! I like this lady. I want to hear more from her.

So we should all worship Al Gore? Well, I mean, you probably could hear more because one thing I can say for sure about Shadow Lover is she has a cable access show. Oh, I hope so. It doesn't offend any of the current religions.

I'm talking about global warming. I want to spend my whole weekend watching Australian cable access. Once people believe in it, global warming, they are willing to pay tidings to it in the form of taxes. Oh, bike share god. I worship thee. Please accept my tithe. Oh, bike share god. god, I worship thee, please accept my tithe. Oh, bike-share god.

No, no, you're tied. Tidings. Tidings. You have to give global warming god your detergent. Yes. It's like Christmas. Tidings of comfort and joy. Give it gold, frankincense, and myrrh. I thought you would

give it your all. They are willing to adjust their lifestyle to appease it. The people will finally be united and moving together in one blissfully ignorant herd. She's really angry that her manager didn't let her install that air conditioner. Just don't ask where the money goes. In fact, don't question anything. the money goes. In fact, don't question anything.

I don't say that to me at the end of that, because I have a lot of questions after all. Don't question anything! Especially not this post. You don't want to question this post. So, like, when we open up the Shitty People Hall of Fame, is there, like, a time limit?

Before we can start nominating people? Because I want her at the fucking top of the list. Me too. Well, we already have the Shitty People Hall of Fame. It's called Florida. Well, I mean, to be fair, I mean, Dave Mustaine was complaining about not getting into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I think that could be his concession prize. Okay, so, uh uh booze um uh your name is bernardo uh burr burrardo okay so the worst thing to be a satanist... It is to be... Oh, yeah, I am Jeff Foxworthy's evil cousin.

Very sexy. He's got an even more demonic mustache. You know you're a Satanist when... Am I right? Your profile has a whole bunch of pictures of you holding a skull chalice and your Church of Satan indoctrination card the worst thing to be a satanist is it is to be rejected by relatives friends and all the religions of the world for becoming satan self um excuse me my pronouns are Satan self. Living, behaving like a Satanist, and thinking totally different than them.

After that, suffering the torture of not being accepted by those persons and groups who claim to be Satanists. Oh man, even the Satanists won't let you hang out with them? Yeah, and then the worst of all, then after the Satanist dies, those satanic groups send that free thinker Satanist to heaven to be tormented by God and his angels by dressing him, her, in white robes and forcing her, him to play a harp and sing day and night for the whole eternity.

Holy, holy, holy bunch of dots. So they gaslighted him. No beers and bust to drink. No men or women to fuck. No weed to smoke. No porno or movies of any kind to watch. No black

rock, metal, death, satanic, or any kind of music considered diabolic to listen not even be able to say fat pound dollar pound at exclamation mark i mean heaven has some really good qualities to it, like the weather in heaven is really nice, but they don't let you listen to deicide. That's fucking bullshit. Hang on. So they're saying that

if the Satanists don't accept you, they kick you out and send you to heaven? Yeah. Well, after you die, they do. Satanists have it in with St. Peter, and they just get right past the door. It's a huge Satan prank have it in with St. Peter. And they just get right past the door. It's a huge Satan prank they play on the dead.

What's happening is that the relatives when you die will have a Christian ceremony for you and that will prevent you from going to hell and having fun. That's not what you're saying though. Because you're saying the satanic groups

do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, you got kicked out by the satanists. You got kicked out into hell. It's weird how much pull with heaven Satan says have. No, like, we can't take this guy.

Please fucking take this guy. He'll play the harp, I swear. He ruins every fucking sex party, orgy, metal, death, black, rock, woman fuck, bus drink. A party we have. Hey, guys. Looks like you're having an orgy. Does anyone want some beer? Get out, Larry.

Anyway, I wouldn't even be able to say F you to those who are the tormentors. Finally, the worst thing about being a Satanist is trying to be someone else to please Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so and not be capable of being her himself. Huh?

I am done. Great. That's so good. Thank you. Thank you so much for all of those helpful. Was that was that. Was that meant to be humorous? Was that like a to the ranting Griffin sort of piece of comedy? I don't understand why you're asking about this, about these beautiful gems of insight that have been laid before us. We have one more thing to read here

in the philosophy and politics section in the document, and that is called Born in the Wrong Body. Oh, God. Yeah, absolutely. John Soest, if you'll start us off here, your name is Ol' Grimey.

Oh, God. Ol' Grimey. Hey there, I'm Ol' Grimey. Oh, God. Ol' Grimey. Hey there, I'm Ol' Grimey. Born in the wrong body. In regards to those trans people, what exactly is it that

is being born in the wrong body, especially seeing how these kooks are oftentimes atheist materialists and herit is in the 19th century scientific model. Am I right, guys? Old grimy. What? Old grimy. Atheist materialist inheritors.

I guess he's trying to say he thinks trans people are saying my spirit is this gender or this sex, and it's like, no, it's like, no, my spirit is this gender or something or this sex and it's like no it's like no my body is actually the sex i think i think it's bold to uh to take a fucking guess at the what the hell he's saying yeah that's true nutshell uh help us out here your name is freighter luciferi okay in my philosophy there are body mind and soul transsexuality is the

reason why I believe in the theory that the chakras who controls the energy system of the soul turns differently depending on you are male or female turns you are like rotates like a helicopter yeah yeah it's basically a switch take your gender identity put it around your heads, swing it like a helicopter.

The root chakra of the female turns left and absorbs more of the elements of water and earth who are females, while the root chakra of the male turns right and absorbs more of the elements of fire and air who are males. Since there are chaos in the world then rebirth in the wrong body is a natural part of that chaos but i consider it to be rarely since there are not so many transsexuals uh you may want to go back and revisit that i get my theology from avatar the last airbender. Everyone is a man, but then the Fire Nation came.

Then more people post really hateful things. Oh, good. Joshua Noctis says that transgenderism is a mental illness and nothing more. Jeez. And other. Shadow Lever says something even more terrible. But Old Grimey finishes this up. So, Old Grimey, would you come back in here and clarify everything for us, please?

Ada, I'm Old Grimey again. You miss me? Hey, Old Grimey! You're the musical genre. How you doing? Okay. Let me begin by saying that both Kamaag's and Frater's explanations are both plausible. Though Kamaag speaks as if he's cornered the market

on the truth of the phenomenon. With that being said, the equal plausibility of both K-Mag's and Frater's model aligns with what Shadow said in her description of the individual she mentioned. In fact, I could even attest to that by mentioning a really good friend of mine who is male, dresses male, yet

he has a very distinct feminine energy that I can pick up on. So much so that I can easily picture him as a woman. Now these are individuals that are... Now these are individuals that are an extreme rarity. They are a phenomenon that are

few and far between for sure. However, they are then the majority of trans-identified people. Think the likes of Caitlyn Jenner, who obviously are mentally ill. Oh, fuck you. Oh, grimy.

I mean, I would say that, but for different reasons. Or what have you, and these are the ones I refer to as kooks, in agreement with Joshua. So on the one hand, there's a very tiny rarity that have some genuine legitimacy as a phenomenon, while on the other hand,

there's a majority of individuals that are clearly round the twist in some way or another. Grimey is right. What's great is when I say you're like a woman. What's the worst is when you say you're a woman. I had no idea Satanists would be as close-minded and bigoted as most of the right-wing Christians I know.

Or grew up with. I thought on this end they'd be like, ah, sex and fucking everything's great. Now they're like, I don't believe in trans. I'm like, what? I didn't sign up for this. The next section, again, our section so far, McGick Philosophy Politics. This section is called Seriously, Fuck Old Grimey. Seriously.

Hey, come on. I'm a great guy. That's why I joined the religion. John Chost, you have a handle of this character now So I think you get to pick Which of these old grimy Related topics We're going to talk about here Can we take a really quick diversion

And just go to the last thing that Kumpa posted Okay, Kumpa What did you just find? So Baphomet appeared in my cheese I think we can stop there Alright Alright So now it is time that appeared in my cheese. I think we can stop there. Alright. Alright, so now it is time to

go to the next section. We have three sections here. Section one is called McGick. Section two is called Philosophy and Politics. And section three is called Seriously Fuck Old Grimey. Hey, come on! I'm a great guy. Come on you're not john toast i think you

got a handle of this character of old grimy so i'm gonna let you uh pick pick which uh topic in this in this section we're gonna read all righty then all right so there's three options uh option number one is called people are strange uh i like it already i can relate to that option number two is called sociopath forward slash psychopath forward slash empath those are all on my driver's license and uh topic number three is called white male dominance in satanism i think I'm going to go with People are Strange. People are Strange. Alright, terrific. So, this is Oh my god.

Okay. This is called People are Strange. It is taken from Ol' Grimey's blog. Oh, good. If it's anything like the Dora song, I'm not going to like it. Okay. Okay, okay. Here's the mental test that we have to think. While we're listening to this,

decide if you would rather hear the Dora song instead of this post. People are strange. People are never about what they claim to be about. They tend to be nothing but phony hypocrites, and it's extremely bizarre that when those who claim to be something other than your average herd and mass piece of shit, they are found to be a herd and mass piece of shit on the dark side.

Oh. Just give me the doors already. Fuck this guy. Oh, no, I'm still going with this post. If this is all what humanity is, I wouldn't want to be a part of it if you paid me. I don't have tolerance for talking retarded

apes, especially when they wear the black hat, claiming to be different from those who wear the white hat, but it's actually the exact replica the white hat wears. So there. Thanks, thanks, Ol' Grimey. Ol' Grimey Ol' Grimey Ol' Grimey The very last section here

Both Kumquat and Stog are finding Really terrific things The first sentence Of the thing Stog just found is called So are there any fellow vapers on here? On the Satanist network? Yes. Sorry, vaping is only

restricted to the cyber goth class. Ooh, I wonder what cyber goth like vapes would look like. They'd probably be really cool. All sorts of LEDs. How many points do I have to pay into cyber goth before I can smoke an electronic cigarette?

Cast lesser vape. I got a computer farm just mining Cyber Goth currency. So the last section here that our Heavenator and Liz Byathon have given us is called User Blogs. It is a delightful combination of opinion and most importantly spells.

I think we need a spell and Stog, I think you should give us a spell please. Yay, I get to spellcast again. So this is from

Samowin84's blog. Oh, it's satanic poetry. Okay, so I wrote this for Ritual once and I felt like sharing it because I was proud of it. Aww. A ham. We'll put it on the fridge i was born into hell and the usher was lying from the manger told me i was empty a hallowed shell a withered root which he which must beg oh man now i gotta put doors up against slam poetry.

Who must cajole for I was told that only he could have made me whole. I halfway drank, I halfway submitted. I thought submission would give me peace. I thought submission would make me whole. Though a predator does not cease to devour. Through my body may go limp with poison. God would mock me and fill me with his mark and pain his assurance of the comfort and safety of my

captivity I like the point in this poem where you gave up on line breaks I guess one goes fuck it I guess I'll figure it out later just put line breaks here tomorrow.

Hell is where Baffa met, and I will purge weakness. For only when pain threatens safety can I choose to rise. Oh my god. Only tooth the claw may cut through the lies. What? Only with our horns may we buck this tide, And through our strength we will smite Jehovah With our immortal will with the coming of the new sun Our star will defy the dawn

I could totally kill God if I could just get out of bed Why aren't you guys liking my open mic submission? Bethlehem Met is my mark For I am the beast with the number seven inscribed in the dark how is this still going triple six is our haunt in the glaze of day we pray on prayer the darkness rules the day honey maybe we won't put this on the fridge maybe we'll just take it and put it in the drawer over there okay oh but, but that's our special drawer. That's the drawer where all the best poems go.

It kind of sounded like a jingle at the end. Hey, guys, that's a really good poem. But I'm also Sam Owens 84. Oh, I knew that. Yeah, you are Sam Owens 84. I'm also the same person, and I have this poem. It's called Inciting of Moonlight. Oh, boy. Eyes. This one have line breaks the whole way down yeah i see in service to moonlight

and bleed tonight for the discarded children of the sun this one being son scoffing sloths sit safely in their trees they knock fruit on the children below and i see the fire words and slow deeds of the many seeds meant to judge my children below so you're the sloth now hate for the sloths hate hate hate hate for the sloths. Hate, hate, hate. Hate for the sloths. Take that sloth.

We are united inside, inside, inside. Love for the outside. In conquest of the inside, sloths wait for the sun to take them away. Gotta be waiting a while. While we are content to let them stay away to stare at our moon while our hungry eyes make our climb to illuminate the hollowed safety

of the leeches and lime. Leeches and lime is one of my least favorite potato chip flavors. It's my favorite LaCroix flavor, though. It's delicious. Yeah, I don't Yeah, they capture it. I don't know which of those poems was worse. I like that the army of good was like an army of sloths or something.

It's like, oh no, they're coming! They're coming! They're coming! I like that he almost had a chorus of a Pete Seeger song in there. Hate for the sloths, hate, hate, hate. We are united inside, inside, inside. And a season to every person. Sorry.

I'll shut up now. I'm going to read this thing this dog just found real quick. My name is Rev Mel. I'm the Reverend Mel. I'm a member of this site. And I'm a deistic Satanist, so it's cool. I believe an impersonal God made the universe and left, and then Satan was like, hey! Impersonal Satan.

Hey, has there ever been a rule that Satanists must be vegetarian or vegan? I've no problems with either people. However, when I met Anton LaVey, we both had a bacon cheese beef burger. So we both had a bacon cheese beef burger, chili fries, and Cokes. Load that burger up with the cheese beef there. Praise Satan. You want beef on your burger? Do you think he was worried about it? People, well, some have the idea that a certain diet makes you more...

Spiritual. Really? I'll think about that next time I'm at the sushi bar two blocks away. Sick burn, man. Fuck. Shadow Lover shows up again to say terrible things. Oh, yeah. And then Frater Lucifer says, if you follow rules, then you have failed as a Satanist.

I think failing as a Satanist and succeeding are synonyms. I don't want to join this religion. I'm just spending all my fucking time building straw men. Nutshell. I know that some of this poetry has been sort of terrible, so we're not going to read that. So instead, we're going to read from Bloodthirsty Ringmaster's blog. Bloodthirsty Ringmaster's blog. I'm assuming you're Bloodthirsty Ringmaster, and. Bloodthirsty Ringmaster's blog.

I'm assuming you're Bloodthirsty Ringmaster, and what do you have to say? Hi, I'm Bloodthirsty Ringmaster, and what goes around will surely bite you in the ass. Like a ring! Oh boy, I'm excited about reading this. You mean to say it will come around? What goes around bites you in the ass. I was out one night when suddenly a group of African American guys came

about. Having no clue what was about to happen, I started to go in a skeptical mode. I got punched in the face without a reason and they took my cellular device which had all the music that I was composing. The whole time I chased them, I thought of revenge.

Never do that to a Satanist. We are aware of the power of the mind. John Tesh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Oh my god, can I donate to those guys? Seriously. Yeah, I really want to see the Rashomon-type thing, where we see their side of the story. It's like, well, this guy just came up and started yelling about Baphomet,

and he wouldn't go away. And then he started spittingitting on us so I punched him like I just I love how that ends cause it's like never never fuck with a Satanist because I'll go to this website

oh man describe them perfectly they're going down now hey yeah Oh, man. I described them perfectly. They're going down now. Hey, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, hey, Bloodthirsty Ringmaster, you have some other things to say about things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bloodthirsty Ringmaster has plenty of things to say. What else do you have to say? Satan is wearing a pentacle. Could a Satanist wear a pentacle instead of a pentagram? I wear a pentacle, but I am not Wiccan I am a Levian Satanist The two symbols seem to be similar in meaning, but is it? Is it strictly about wearing a pentagram? Or just about the belief?

Hi, hi, hi, I'm Asmodeus I'm a big fan of Gilmore Girls Best show ever Do I have to turn in my pentagram now MVP Oh it's medias Hi I'm Hartnell I have some questions Could a Satanist

Shave a go Could a Satanist Also be a Republican Oh you You fucked up your Dr dr seuss rhyme in the second line oh you should have said could a satanist be on a boat and then you go from there don't turn it to republican you've ruined it uh come quads up yes uh we uh must finish uh this episode uh in the user blog section so I'm going to give you

three choices and you're going to tell me what we get to finish on okay alright so option number one is called movies comma physiological arousal

comma and magick wow wow yep Kama, Physiological Arousal Kama, and McGick. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yep. Option number two is called Psst, Hey You, Yeah You, Come Here. Oh, that's a good invitation.

Are you sure I didn't say that? You're a little less subtle. And option number three is called The Satanist and The Rube. The movie one. Definitely the movie one. Okay, great. Movies Physiological Arousal and McGick.

You'll be skipping a tiny bit of that, but yeah, go ahead. Samael's Wine. Samael's Wine. you'll be skipping a tiny bit of that, but yeah, go ahead, Sam-a-el-swine. What? Sam-a-el-swine. Sam-a-el-swine, yeah. Movies! Physiological arousals! And the kick!

That's what, that's the before and after Scotch picture of Kumquat's up right there. Every time, it's like he's starting up a lawnmower. No, like the craid from Total Recall had to emerge from his chest to provide this reading to us. I have always found that the best spells, rituals, or whatever you prefer to call it works best when you actually feel something. When the actions that you perform can make you feel something that you wouldn't normally feel, for me, this usually comes in the form of a sensation that I call the quickening,

which is stolen from Highlander because why not? that I call the Quickening, which is stolen from Highlander because why not? Okay, why not? Yeah! So you, so your magic and you cut off the heads of other magic amortizers? Yeah! At the climax of the ritual, I tend to feel odd sensations of heat, cold, tension, and relaxation

in my extremities and face. You're having a stroke! Satanic onions! I smell the burnt toast of hell.

I interpret this as a signal that the ritual has caused a significant emotional reaction into myself. Significant enough to create what feels like an external effect. What is the point of McGgek if not to create effects in the real world, something outside of the mental machinations of creating and performing the spell? Okay, so then you have a long paragraph

about metaphysical hoo-ha, but you have some tools that you want to talk about. The tools that you use in your spells. There are many tools to use to create these physiological sensation.

Orgasm. Drugs. Music. Meditation. And incense. Those are a few of the more common ones. A possible tool I don't think I have ever seen mentioned in discussions is spellwork as movies. What? despair, disgust, sexual arousal,

and violent excitement are just a few of the many emotions that can be triggered while watching a movie. Oh, no. Look how many emotions I have. Anyway, movie night at my house. Come on over. Look at my emotions.

Look how many emotions I have. I collected all the emotions. These are the five emotions of the body. Horny, angry, angry, horny, horny, angry. I'm hungry. These could be channeled. Then be channeled as the magician sees fit for his particular purposes. A magician sees fit for his particular purposes.

A movie like August Underground Mortem? Yeah, it's an awful... Is it a sequel to Need for Speed Underground? Mortem. Let's go with that word. Website. I looked it up on Wikipedia. It's a 2003 movie directed by Killjoy. And here, I'll just give you a single sentence from the Wikipedia so that you know what kind of movie this is.

After Peter walks in on Krusty and Maggot having sex. Oh, boy. I didn't realize this was a Juggalo movie. I think we may have watched this movie over the summer, Lemon. I also didn't realize that more a juggalo movie i think i think we may have watched this movie over the summer lemon i also didn't realize that more dumb was two words um music by gore lord that movie might for the for example might cause intense feelings of disgust wait that's the only correct that's's correct. How is he correct? Fuck.

Fuck. Or fear. The magician could time the most offensive part of the movie, the casting of the spell, so that at the moment when they feel the most physiological arousal... That was my sentence. Of course! So at the moment when they feel the most physiological arrival Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Of course, disgust and fear

Are not the only emotions That could be used If you had the capacity For a third No, hi Though they are those which I feel most often So I find them useful for magical work.

Do other people find those the most often around you as well? Me. Hi. Bye. Thanks a lot for showing up, Samuel Swine. No, Samuel Swine.

No, I think Lemon was right. The second S is capitalized when you look at his username. What? So, F+, what did we learn from this? That Satanists are as shitty as... Well, that Satanists can

be as shitty. Can be as shitty. Okay, can be as shitty. Okay. Fair enough. There may be some really nice Satanists out there that avoid this site like hell. Oh, I see what you did there. Are you a Satanist apologist, man?

What does a Satanist avoiding something like hell mean, anyway? He just wants to get in good with the big guy downstairs before he goes yeah i i think that i think that is the two things that surprise me obviously like the the sort of like puritanical i mean like yeah like my lady like the australian lady like genuinely had sections where she had like war on christ rants, which is fucking insane. Like a Satan is talking about war on Christmas. She also

talked about being a young child and playing skipping rope with her brother with the intestines of the sheep that her family had slaughtered. I have some confusing thoughts. Not only are our fair

patrons here, the Heavenator and the lesbiathon correct there's no good harry potter posts like they stated this up front i didn't believe them i searched anyway they're correct i i'm glad you i'm glad you always get to the important issues it says right at the top of the doc also we checked and there's no good harry potter posts and i thought that was a lie and and i searched i searched for haiku there was nothing i like wow like i this is a very strange forum because all the normal words that i can normally search for that are people doing stupid shit on the internet didn't apply yeah and all the all the easy ones i mean obviously sheeple yeah well i um i also did learn that um one of the side effects of your religion basically being like there are no rules is you're gonna get a bunch of posts of people being like is this

satanist or not like i can't tell like do you have to be a vegetarian to be a Satanist? Or can you eat meat? And it's just like, I mean, like, you know, super organized religion or making it, like, restrictive, like, you can't do or can't, you'll have to do this because of religion. That's not good. But going so far the other way just leads to a bunch of people in a room, like, shrugging, like, going, like, I don't know, I guess Satan?

Can we get, can we pay some money and get a Satanist to do a Twitch stream of playing Doom? And just, you know, like, I respect you. I respect you. I respect you, sir, but you must die. I mean, the other thing that was insane, because, like,, uh, you know, uh, in the, uh, the, the, the fun, the fun meshing,

uh, where they have like, like actual, like, like, uh, I worship Satan, Satanist and Levan Satanist hanging out together,

which is always a terrific mix. Um, but the other thing that I enjoyed was the persecution complex, like on the side of the Satanists, like, like, like I wear like a big pentagram and I'm like and i'm like i'm a satanist and i'm into satan and then people like like shun me like why are you so judgmental

i chose a like specifically aggressive stance and then you were a dick about it yeah yeah uh nashal gul, what did you find there? What are some of the books that were in the library there? In the library of the Satanic International Network? Well, we've got Ayn Rand. Oh, good. That makes sense, yeah. Blood Scorcery Bible Rituals and Necromancy.

Right. Project Gutenberg, the whole project, everything in it. Good. I like, you know, I feel like if you're going to read Anton LaVey, you might as well read Friedrich Nietzsche anyway, because that's the same thing. So there must be a lot of Friedrich Nietzsche in here, right? No, but there is Nietzsche in here, right? No, but there is a Nietzsche.

A Nietzsche. Oh, okay. A Nietzsche. That's my favorite Ed Wood movie. Nietzsche or Nietzsche. Oh, and The Art of War obviously shows up as well as Necronomicon. Sigmund Freud. Ooh, and The Ethical Slut.

Wow, I'm so surprised by your library here. I think my favorite satanic work is Assorted Books. Yes. The website, as always, thefpl.us. And if you are looking for the hottest parody porn titles delivered fresh every day, you can go to jerking.online. Yay! Pretty good.

I came up with some. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a site with many co-writers. There's a list of 173 titles and counting, uh, of, uh, jokey porn titles, uh, that gets updated every day. So,

uh, go on and giggle and then bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Yeah. Sure. Satan rules,

but that doesn't mean I can't be practical. What kind of orgy leads? I'm such of deeper love? What kind of orgy leaves A sense of deeper love? You need Satan more than he needs you You need Satan more than he needs you! You need Satan more than he needs you!

Hey, guys, you want to go to some Satanist events? Yeah, let's look at the calendar. There are no events. Let's check out past events. Last April they had a meet-up at the Johnny Radd's pizzeria tavern

oh my god what where did you oh my god there's the facebook page for johnny rads oh my god look at the logo for johnny rads uh copy image holy shit holy shit i've never wanted to go to Baltimore. Now I want to go to Baltimore. Wow. Wow. Welcome to the motherfucking share zone. That's pretty good. All right, yeah.

I'm using that for the episode cover, obviously.