The F Plus - 244: The Definitive Vampire Episode

Episode Date: February 24, 2017

If you are a regular listener to the podcast, you are probably aware of communities who self-identify as superhuman or supernatural creatures. You are also probably aware that these communities often have inconsistent and arbitrary criteria to support their claims. This is more of that, but with draculas. Have you ever dreamt of drinking blood? Can you be killed by a wooden stake through the heart or decapitation? Do you have a tan Do you say ‘BLAH’? You MIGHT be a vampire! This episode, the F Plus gets a full-ride scholarship to Vamper college.

By the way, just drink deeply and dream.com. I think, never mind. That was a bad joke. And we never have this continue. Wow. It was a bad joke that he's not even willing to share it at this point. No, I'm afraid to say edit point. Ding!

Somewhere Pete, Huey Herman's going crazy. That's anyway. Anyway. The gods have led the bell tower. The victims have been bled. The bell bed lies. The black box. The love ghost is dead. Welcome to the F Plus Podcast. Terrible things that suck. In the room tonight we have John Tost.

Well, Master LaCroix, have you credentials or at least references? I cannot imagine someone submitting to someone with no credentials and or clean records. Isfahan. Depression is a vampire's enemy. Deal with it quickly so your child can get on with his or her life. Portex. We got werewolves and goths and skirlitons and vampers Do you know that menstruating women have been known to

make souffles go flat and curdled milk with their pheromones? Yay, Victor Laszlo What you are looking for is the matrix and Boots Reingear very enque there I'm defaintly a female and yet I am sickened by all these

politically correct people ick. Hey, F+. Hey. Hi, Lennon. Hi! Have you guys seen Lennon? Nope. No, I think I'd Have you guys seen Lennon? Nope. No, I think I'd remember that.

He isn't anywhere? Nope. I checked all the dumpsters, not even one foot. Well, I thought I saw him once, but it turned out to be the guy from the Gin Blossoms, and then it turned out to be Jack White. Oh, he's letting the cops chase him around right now that's oh yeah do you think jealousy do you think maybe he was taken by vampires no he's taken by vampires it's it sounds plausible okay i think that's 99 true right so like i could see on his calendar that he's got like a thing for another podcast but fuck that i'm pretty sure

he's taken by vampires uh we fortunately you know we've covered vampires in the past in this podcast we know a little bit about vampires but there's apparently an awful lot more that we can learn about vampires and thankfully the heavenator and the lesbiathan have provided us with a document called the Definitive Vampir-Doc. Yay! Awesome. I went to a Vampir-Doc once. He took all the blood out.

This is Dr. Acula. Dr. Acula? That's a joke I've stolen and used in this podcast before. Yeah. The F-plus. Constantly stealing jokes from Mitch Hedberg hey poor tax

want to tell us a little bit about vampires on a site called called drink deeply and dream dot com I do I want to tell you all about them

so so I'm gonna I'm gonna ask you some questions and you're gonna answer them for me this is the this is the vampire

guide 101 it explains some very basics of what vampires are and are not I'm going to ask you some questions, and you're going to answer them for me. This is the Vampire Guide 101. It explains some very basics of what vampires are and are not. I'm going to go to remedial thing. Oh, man. You know what? I audited Vampire 101 in college. So I'm just going to sit this one out, guys. Go ahead.

Okay. So not a full credit, but you just took in the information for... Yeah. Yeah. It was night school. Was it related to your master's studies? It would be night school. What else would you have in vampire class?

Master vampire studies. Okay, so, Portex, just what is a vampire? Phew, this is a hard one. It is. And one that can't be summed up in 50 words or less. Uh, never mind, then. Vampire DNA. You shut your damn face.

Well, vampires are not all beautiful undead creatures that roam the night killing any human they cross. Actually, they're the guy next door. Wait, they are? Holy shit. Shit, I'll be right back. Where's my steak? Thank God I still have my guns. I have actually never seen my neighbor in the daytime.

Well, don't invite him in. That's death. They're the Smiths and the Jones of the world. They blend in and they play by the rules. They pay bills and they have car payments. They have jobs and they have worries. You know, like worries about turning into a bat in front of a company. jobs and they have worries you know like worries about turning into a bat in front of company they live normal living breathing lives and do normal human things oh so the vampires are like

the vampires in every boring episode of true blood great fine that's awesome so what makes vampires so special everything i don I don't know, actually. They're just... So you made a whole website and you don't know. This is the basics, too. This is 101. Could we trade you in

for someone knowledgeable? I don't know why everyone loves us. We're just that great. I don't know, actually. They're just normal people with an abnormal need. That, by definition, does not make're just normal people with an abnormal need. That, by definition, does not make them normal people, but that's fine.

Do they drink blood? Yes. Unless you're a soul sucker or Psy Vamp or Psy Vamp. That's a PSI Vamp. They drink out of car tires. They were playing System Shock 2. They're known as Psy Amps. No, they remove the pressure from your tires.

PSI Vamp. I mean, they're regular people. It's one of their jobs. Pass me the bicycle pump, please. See Psychic Vampers for more info. Weird. Oh, parenthesis. If you want a more detailed article in the next, on a general

example of vampire traits see the general info essay then you didn't answer the question why the hell is this on oh it's like every faq ever written so do vampires kill people and drain them dry not in that order. No! She's deflating. That was the mark tire. Yeah, it's a PSI vamp deflating. No! Incompetent as they may be... What?

What? Incompetent as they may be portrayed on TV, cops in the real world are smart. Way to suck up to the cops. The heck? Witches get stitches, and they can track blood traces to go back three years.

Wait, they have DAA technology that goes back three years? Three years! Vampires make good cops? I think they're saying cops can track blood traces. Right. So that would be helpful if you're a vampire, right?

Yeah. See, a vampire is not going to ruin their lives with random murder for blood. That's just not going to happen. Also, you have to remember that vampires grow up in human families with normal friends and normal lives. Wrong! No, they don't. Vampires live in and of society. They live of society.

They live of society and will have the same morals instilled in them as any other. Yes, it is possible that some might not be as moral as others. After all, no, humans can be serial killers. That doesn't... Whatever. But for the vast majority, no vampire is going to actively harm someone they feed from. Even though, by definition,

you're drinking their goddamn blood, but that's fine. Vampires use volunteer donors. See Victims of Abuse. I mean, donors for more info. That's fine. Vampires use volunteer donors. See victims of abuse. I mean, donors for more info. See enablers for more info. Let's skip down a little bit. After.

Actually, let's give me the first word of this answer. Are vampires immortal? No. Okay. What is a natural vampire and what is a created vampire? Both are fake. Natural vampires are those that were born this way. So, non-existent.

Created vampires are Maybelline. Although, the need to drink... Why is this italicized? The need to drink blood does not manifest itself until adolescence or even adulthood. Says fucking who average of average of say 17 to 24 years old you know about the time they get on the internet around the age people would yeah around the age people would be like, no, mom, I'm a vampire. You know, the goth years. Sometimes the vampire will start having weird dreams.

I'm like, people, things that he slash see can almost recognize, but not quite. Because you can always recognize your own dreams, unless you're a vampire. Look, I dreamed I was in my high school, but the rooms were in different places. So you're a vampire. Most of the time, someone the soon-to-be-vampire knows will start being around more. Uh-huh. Maybe pushing conversations in new, odd directions.

But not always. No two are going to be alike. And for crying out loud, please don't think that just because you had a dream with blood or vampires in it that you're suddenly going to turn into one. Nobody has ever thought that. These people do. Apparently.

Graded vampires are those who are turned. Don't even think of asking me how or if you can be turned, because neither will happen. Trust me, you wouldn't really want it anyway. See, talk about turning for more info. you wouldn't really want it anyway. See, talk about turning for more info. You wouldn't really want it anyway. Now, let's talk about turning some more. This is so similar to old websites that we'd see on Portal of Evil and stuff

where people would say, no, I'm a real werewolf. No, I'm not going to turn into a wolf in front of you. That would be a waste. It's like, are you sure that's why you're not going to do it? Because I have another theory. I can do that, but I don't want to. Let's go down to the bottom. Where do vampires

come from? Is there a cure? Who knows? No one really... Throw this website out the window! I don't deal in facts! These are alternative vampire facts. Who knows? No one really even knows what exactly it is that makes a vampire a vampire.

It's internet and sad, actually. Ideas range from genetic differences, citation needed, to different species slash race, citation needed, to a difference in the soul slash spirit, citation fucking needed. But who knows and without truly knowing the cause there is no no way to stop some people say that it's just a matter of will you decide that you no longer want it enough and it will cease to be but that's ding ding ding but that's certainly not scientific and could be dangerous to the health of the vampire. What?

Anyway. You know, it might be dangerous for you to stop being a vampire. Just have a feeling, you know, a hunch. Again, until it's better understood the how it happens, the how it happens,

I don't think there's any way to know the ways to treat or cure it. Do stakes through the heart still work? I mean, maybe. Who's to say? Oh, my gosh. The stake through the heart killed him. He must have been a vampire. It is tough to treat something that is non-existent.

Again, this is so like those old websites. It's actually not toast. It's actually not toast. It's actually pretty easy. Once you get old enough to stop saying you're a vampire, you just stop being a vampire. That doesn't mean you weren't a vampire before. This website is copyright 1997 to 2001. Oh, the golden age of it.

See, yep. That's why. Good. We're getting vintage otherkin here. This is my favorite thing. All right. It's time to move off this first year college course page. Let's fast forward two semesters.

Let's go to Vampire Guide 201. Get a doctorate in vampire studies. Isfahan, you're gonna bust some myths. Yeah, it's Vampire Guide 201. Also, they've really upgraded this page from the previous one for more advanced vampires

because the font is way too small to read. Unless you enlarge it. Yeah, I need the illuminated version of this. The M is just gigantic. That's how you know we're getting old. It's like, oh, this vampire site text is too small I'm surprised we're not seeing blinking text and dancing babies right now

spinning skulls I can't focus on this site without a master of puppets mini playing so Isfahan myth vampires are undead corpses basically risen from the grave and possibly even mindless zombie-esque creatures without a soul. Reality.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. That's the right use of farther, sure. Vampires are neither undead, mindless, or soulless. Vampires are born like any other baby and go through a normal childhood like any other. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It's a vampire. It's born with a cape. I mean a normal baby.

And it's got little fangs. A little widow's peak. A super prominent, yeah. It's just the widow's peak. Nothing more. It is not until they are mature that their true nature manifests itself. And in my personal, completely unscientifically proven opinion, vampirism is not a virus or some such, but rather a difference in soul.

Therefore, they must have them. See? Oh my god. See? Science, motherfucker. It's ipso facto airtight. QED. Crossed arms, leaning back in the chair. That's what I love about old

other kids. It used to be stuff like this or it's just no it's different in the soul and I believe it and that makes it true. The end. Disapprove it. Not to go all vampire atheist on you but not having a soul is part of whether you

have a soul or not. I mean, think about it. Yeah, riddle me that, professor. Go ahead, Boots. Try me. Hit me with some more myths. Okay, myth. Vampires sleep during the day and cannot be exposed to sunlight in any form lest they burn...

Sorry, lest they burst into dramatic flames. The flames are subdued, asshole. I shall burst into flame. It's like Tony Wonder. Reality is, seriously, you think they'd be able to survive as long as they have if they had to live in caves and such? I mean, that's where vampires live. That's what the mythos is. They live in caves and such. Yes, and no living creatures have survived in caves and such i mean that's where vampires live that's what the mythos is they live in caves and such yes and no living creatures have survived in caves it's it's death traps down

there it's almost as if they don't exist that's weird anyway it's not true now many of them may demand sunglasses for any outside activities like lost boys uh since their eyes tend to be more sensitive to light that most. And if a vampire has pale skin, they'll put on sunscreen. But many vamps sport a constant healthy tan. They don't! It's a TV tan, sure.

Yeah. Uh, let's... Let's bust another myth here. Myth. Vampires are all evil, satanic, and demons. They worship evil and cause nothing but destruction. Reality is don't ever call a vampire

evil unless you want it to be the last thing you say. They cause nothing but destruction, and if you call them evil, they'll kill you. Wait. How dare you call me evil? And yes, sarcasm was intended there. Oh, too late. They hate that. What, sarcasm?

Yeah. Garlic does nothing to me. Wait, sarcasm? No! Oh, you've hurt my feelings, blah! I hope that's a myth on here. Vampire, say blah! They're not a race of demons, and they're certainly not all part of a satanic cult. Now, that having been said, I am sure that just as there are vampires of all religious backgrounds, all those Buddhist vampires,

there are some who choose to take that route, but the difference is plainly clear, semicolon. It is the individual, not the species that is evil. Alright then. I just imagined... Not sure why you're waiting for me

to say more. Dude in a cape just giving that speech and just cut to the audience. There're waiting for me to say more. Dude in a cape just giving that speech and then just cut to the audience. There's like five people there. It's like the saddest panel at a convention. His PowerPoint presentation has all the Dracula clip art. It starts with just one slow clap that fades out to no slow claps.

And then the guy turns around, damn, I thought there were more people sitting behind me than there were. Last one, myth. Vampires can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart or by decapitating them, i.e. removing their head. Yes, that's what that is. Oh, boots. Ready for the duh factor?

Anything would die if you drove a stake, wooden or not, through It Is Heart. And anything would die if you drove a stake, wouldn't or not, through It Is Heart, and anything would die if you cut off It Is Head. Sure, you could kill a vampire in those ways, but you could also kill anyone in that way, and you'd still be looking at capital M murder. Not a lot of fun,

and definitely not recommended. I'll be the judge of that. Your Honor. Yeah, and that's it for undergraduate courses for vampirism. Fortunately, we've got a graduate course here. Here's Vampire 502. That's my favorite drama. Boots is a lot like a professor in that we only talk about

maybe 20% of the stuff in class, and the rest we have to read on our own. Vampire syllabus. I drank a bunch of caffeinated blood and stayed up all night studying. Stayed up all day studying. Did we just jump to the 500 level? Yeah, we did.

Oh my gosh. We totally skipped third and fourth year. You guys are such good learners that I figured we could just get fancy through the year. We clipped those. Vampire honors class. You guys are such good learners that I figured we could just go through the courses. No, we clipped those. Yeah, I just checked it out. A vampire is D, nothing. All right. That's the answer to everything.

False. False. False. False. Yeah, there you go. So, Victor. Yes? Want to tell us a little bit about the causes of vampirism? So Victor Yes Want to tell us a little bit about the causes of vampirism

Well unfortunately No one knows the reason Or cause Of vampirism It's all just speculation and personal theory It is because it's fake Now now It generally falls into the following categories and personal theory. It is because it's fake. Now, now. Jesus.

It generally falls into the following categories, which I've attempted to give a brief overview of with the factors going for and against the theory. Cue a whole bunch of words. Bullet point genetic. Okay, so I think we already covered this one a little bit in 101 and the spiritual soul well let's go down to the third one let's yeah let's let's just skip this person obviously

doesn't know how genetics works sometimes genetics are vampire and sometimes they not sometimes vampire genetics suck you're right the vampire cells tiny they all have little tiny fangs on them like like metroids hey guys victor won first one to that joke yeah yeah congratulate victor i guess hey i don't get to play very often i gotta take the low-hanging fruit okay fair enough all right so skipping bullet point genetic because, well, duh, and skipping bullet point spiritual slash soul, let's go to bullet point parasitic slash symbiotic entity. So you're just jumping to the hard science.

Yeah, man. Well, this is graduate level, motherfucker. Here we go. This theory states that the vampiric person is actually a host to a completely separate entity. The person is fully human in soul slash spirit and genetics, but there is a secondary life form within the host body, either parasitic or symbiotic, depending on point of view. No, that's not how it works. Your homework is to read a bunch of Venom comics?

Your homework is to read a bunch of Venom comics? Look, you went to whatever, like, medical doctor place land, but these guys know their own souls. You can't just prove that. So you're saying I'm a vampire? No, I'm saying you have worms. I'm going to go drink blood right now. That's such a romantic idea. Even his tapeworms can't keep up.

They're like, Jesus, dude, slow down. Many people who uphold this theory do in fact believe the condition to be curable by the removal of the entity, though some believe it to be fatal to the host, as they are now linked. Those who offer this cure usually expect a high price for their services. Thanks, Obama. Well, now he's like assembling a mythos of, like, he's now world building. Like, these people exist.

Like, there are, you know, Van Helsing MDs walking around. All right, so the pros of this theory, this separate entity would cause drastic changes to host's body and brings on pluses and minuses, such as increased healing for the host, but a need to ingest blood. It gives you a plus five to strength, though. It's pretty good. the genetic theory by saying the DNA of the entity would be enough to alter the host body and or the entity would be able to alter directly the host DNA to bring on vampire

characteristics. You said they didn't know how genetics works. You take that back now. You are eating vampire crow right now. That's not even a sentence, so I'm not... DNA works just like battle chess. Would either? Think about it.

The two DNAs fight it out, and whichever one wins. Cons. No explanation for how this entity would come to be in a person in the first place. No, that's a why. I'm saying why. No reasoning for the age of awakening to be similarly found at late teens slash early 20s. No reason for it showing up in family lines. It doesn't show up in family lines, so that's fine.

Now, your family does have a history of vampirism, but... So you stand an increased risk of it manifesting. Your family does have a history of vampire tapeworms. Okay, what's the next theory? The next theory is bullet point damage slash missing charkas. Energy deficiencies, etc.

That's what it says, folks. That's what it says. Charkas. Someone find Charkas the vampire. He's the only one who can help us. Chark attack. No, a charka is... No, a charka is a Yeah, we need to fix him. No, a Charka is a chocolate parka.

It's great. It keeps you warm, and it's delicious. That's delicious. Now I'm cold. Just don't eat too much. Just don't wear it in the rain. Don't wear it in the sun, either. Unlike all those other parka theories. This theory states a vampiric person is born with a metaphysical disorder,

which requires supplemental sources such as blood. That's a physical source. It's not a metaphysical source. This, again, is commonly seen as curable or fixable, depending on the specifics of the theory. Some see a missing charka, while others simply see it as blocked or damaged, which can be repaired. I guess that's the word

he wanted. Where's my charka? Look it up, dumbass. Prose. Better explains the needs of psychic vampires and the constant need to pull ambient energies. Also known as attention. Can be seen as a genetic damage

which would run in family lines but might not always show up. Genetic damage I can believe in so far. That's radiation. Cons. Doesn't truly explain any commonly seen vampiric characteristics. See Vampire Guide

301. Oh crap. We clapped out of. Yeah, we clapped out of so yeah we should have clapped out totally fucked right now uh doesn't explain the need for blood ingestion doesn't explain remaining dormant until late teens early 20s doesn't really explain link within family lines doesn't offer much in the way of cause of initial contraction of blockage slash damage. So the pros and cons are exactly the same. It's so good though. It's so

delightful. Like, I just don't understand. I mean, we have to try to explain it. Why is it the 20-year-olds call themselves vampires? None of this explains it. Alright, and lastly, let's just get an overview of the last theory. So the last theory is bullet point, virus or other outside pathogen.

This theory states there is a virus or other similar biological explanation for a vampire-like disease slash condition, which is contracted somehow and which either alters the physiology of the person or causes cascading changes in some unknown ways. Retrovirus is a common term seen in connection with this theory. God damn it.

Picture needs a hug. Retrovirus is a real God damn it. Retrovirus is a word. It's a hug. Retrovirus is a real... God damn it. Retrovirus is a word. It's a word. It is a word. Yeah, doesn't a retrovirus turn your genes back to when, like, your vampire bat DNA

in your evolutionary history? It's retro. Yeah. Huh. So does that mean I'm right? victor answer me okay do vaccines cause vampirism just tell me now this this bullshit it's not even wrong it's just it's not existed enough to be wrong it's well the short answer is there's no right answer at the moment. Really?

That's weird. Yeah. I wouldn't want to commit to anything, to making any statements. Before we move off DrinkDeeplyAndDream.com, Partax has just found a document titled, What Are Other Kins? What Are Other Kins? And she'd like me to read a few headers of just

descriptions of things that define other kin. Yeah, what are some things that are just, you know, other kin are all about? How would you know if you were an other kin? Well, they've got some common traits, including very energy and more often nature aware. But also, most

other kin do tend to have higher than average IQs. Oh, whoa. C, footnote. And C, obviously someone with a high IQ knows how to use footnotes. Being overly sensitive to the normal senses. They're emotionally moved by a S-I-T-E of beauty. A website of beauty.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I like how they say they wines from electronics easily heard, perfumes easily smelled. Yeah, I can smell a thing. I think I'm a wolf. Maybe it's like construction safety. They hear the wines from electronics. I know that's what they're going for, but I'd like to think that they just go around and say,

I can hear the microwave. I wish I wasn't a CQ cover in spirit. Which are known for their hearing. And their IQs. Empathy and or mild telepathy. Mild telepathy.

They may show up in childhood and be refreshed for a while or kept secret for years. After it rains, my telepathy flares up. I have a feeling that this person thinks I'm an asshole. You want me to go somewhere. Go away. Oh, that's what I thought. Ability to convey a thought, emotion, or need to another unspoken.

A magical ability to communicate without words. Ah, body language. That's how I know I'm a porpoise. The language of... No, the language of the body. And separation and feeling out of touch. Having a speeding or slowing of time is one of the sub points for that.

It's good to have a speeding or slowing of time. So now it's time to move off of DrinkDeeplyAndDream.com onto a catchy site called vcclassifies.yuku.com .yuku.com Oh, I thought you were like it was a weird thing of like yuku.

No, it's yuku. What the hell? Anyways. This site is broken as shit, but it also says copyright 2017 yuku so image hosted by angel fire yes yeah oh yeah oh good great great memories so i guess the copyright thing just updates to whatever the current um and it's hard to tell what it is that I've linked here but it is in fact poetry toast you've got a poem your name is chlamydia online this mmo sucks

hello and welcome well thank you for signing up for Chlamydia Online. No, no, no. You've got Chlamydia. It's a new form for if Gaia Online detects that you're too old to be on the forum, they move you to Chlamydia Online. Chlamydia Online is free to contract, but you can use Chlamydia gems to unlock more Chlamydia. Okay. And your poem's titled I Need.

Yes, I need. Tags? None. Don't need them. I like the blood of I like the blood, the pain and pleasure. It flees me up with an aggie to fuck

ooh to ooh die from it. Yay! To drink and fuck it's like a bird on my arm. Filling me with happiness. Okay. Ikee.

This Chris Redfield looks up from that note and is like what the hell is that zombie pops out do you like my poem I'm not a vampire alright and toast again you've got another poem it's under a different name this time

this one has a reply. The I Need poem has a reply. Wow, that was intense. The poem was posted on February 18, 2004. Wow, that was intense was posted on July 1, 2015. Yeah. And then the person came back two weeks later to say, Cheer up.

Van Helsing already killed them! That's how intense it was. They were awestruck for 11 years. Yeah. I should point out that the section of this forum is we're in Crimson Connections, Dark Gothic, Darker Side of

Passion, Sexual Content. That's my favorite book from Amazon. So Toast, you're now drifting alone. now drifting alone i have a new poem for us i am drifting alone sexual content sexual attacks none two naked bodies held naked bodies. Two naked bodies. And a partridge fucking the pantry. One, two naked bodies. You held tight.

Held tight. Forming into one. The heat rising in the air. Indulging moans. Screams enduring the... Sting of the bite. Don't bite me, Sting enduring the sting of the bite. Don't bite me, Sting. Enjoyment of the blood. Draining from the body.

Rolling down over their breasts. Nails cutting into the skin. Teeth cut deeper into the veins. I'm reading my laundry list at this point. Pick up mail. Stop by Drag Clips. Oh, the enjoyment. Pleasure isleaf. Oh, the enjoyment. Pleasure is heightened to the release of the soul.

Lying in the darkness next to your mate. All fades the heart. Slows to a stop as if nothing has occurred. Drifting alone. Yeah. That was hot. Are you guys turned on right now? I'm super turned on.

This is the horny times happening. Yay! That same person from the other thread. This was March 31st, 2004. That same person from the other thread replied July 1st, 2015. That just went through this whole forum and just replied to all the decade-old poems. The secret login of the people to put the doc together? Oh, the habitator and the librarian?

Are they just logging in and commenting on the book? Hey, poetry lovers. Hey, poetry lovers. This is Michael Kramer. And it was very evocative, my dear. Something of a surprise ending, too. Very nice. Keep them coming.

Listen, I got a poem of my own I'd like to share with you. And it's called The Way I Like It. Just the way I like it. Oh, just the way I like it. Your hands cuffed to the ring on the headboard, high above your head, giving the curve to your shoulders and your tits a lift. Tits are hot air balloons. I'm sorry.

What a wordsmith. Cheerio, mate. Give your tits a lift. Cheerio. Laurie to the bobbins. Enhancing the roundness which so compliments the shape of your ass because your legs are...

Duke Nukem should not write books. Balls of steel. Where is it? Because your legs are high up. High up. Ankles fastened to the ring, which allows me to play with your pussy and the puckered hole below What do you mean? I'll get it.

It's really hot. Well, I'll explain later. At my leisure, and I know you want to come but I'll just play around with your clit with this vibrator not quite touching it as drops of sweat pour from your

forehead and breasts and thighs and your breath comes and gasps and moans and you wriggle, trying to I fucked a goofy bra by Michael Kramer.

I'm a vampire and I know it. Trying to position the hot spot closer'm a vampire and I know it. Trying to position the hot spot closer to my touch. And I will plant light little kisses up and down your slippery slits. While I keep the vibrator at your nether hole. That's a good name for a goth band Stranger Things 2 Coming this fall They took him into the nether hole

While I keep the vibrator At your nether hole Just at the edge And that last kiss Was right on your little pearl of flesh And another And another. And another. Quick and light. Again and again. Until you

shudder and you groan and the sweet flow of honey from your pussy. Oh no, get that checked out. That can't be. Bears are gonna come looking for larvae if you keep that up. Peace! Oh no! I forgot to mention that my uterus is a beehive.

I'm sorry. We attacked the queen. There's a swarm. Tells me that you have got it just the way you like it. Uh-huh, uh-huh. You know, poems are usually so layered.

I wonder what this one was about. I'm gonna find the I'm gonna find the vampire bastards who fucked up my poem. I don't know where this is going, but let's wrap up the poetry section with one called... Wait, what is that called?

Well, it's called Fill You Holy Belly. It's a hot poem. Fill you holy belly! All right, folks, head right back and I'm gonna tell you my poem. I wanna fill you holy belly. I want my wide bell head right back, and I'm going to tell you my poem. I want to fill you holy belly.

I want my wide belly to gently knock on your slimy door. Now, this is sexy. I want to push my arousal into your arousal. Slowly, slowly, slowly. I want your tightness to massage my glands. Hawk on. Oh, I wish I could play ragtime piano. Oh my God. So hot.

I wasn't sure that voice was going to work for this. You doubted. Now see here, young lady. I want to make you feel how deep you can be. I want to make you feel how stretched your insides can be. I want to move inside your body. I want to swing inside your body. I want to shape your vagina. It's made out of Play-Doh, so have at it, buddy.

I want every nerve in your vagina to feel every vein of my delight. You know what? I'm getting mixed signals here. Can you be a little more direct? I'm not sure. I love it when they play hard to get. Let me set the stage for you. I want the top of my meat to take care of the bottom of your flesh.

I want to see you shameful grins when I dive into you. I want to listen to your surprise moans when I reach the deepest zones where no man has ever been before. That was a long line there. I want to hear your groans when you realize you like it. You like it to be big. You like it to be fat and stiffed and curved up. You like it to mercilessly move into your belly. Sorry!

You like it to pump your wet walls. Rent is $300 a month. That's not what you should be fucking! You like it to pump your wet walls? You like it to wank every inch of your inter... You like it and you groan. You like it and you scream.

You are a female orgasm and I am into your orgasm. Your orgasm wanks me. What? You arch your back and you let out a long, panicked and thankful groan. You fluid squirt and my long squirts rush through me like the trains of lava that meet your fluids now you know how it feels holy good so that was from 2004 this was around the era where people

were like wait a minute we could make the sex words in our poetry form this was uh listening from ed Cantor's Lost Tapes. Oh, man. That was weird. Too hot for Victrola. So the Heavenator and Lysbiothin were helpful in giving us, as they usually do, the document in different sections. We started with instructionals,

we moved on to poetry, and now we're on classifieds. Yay. Vampires looking for love. Yes. And so here's a post called Witcher needs vampire love in LA. Hello, I'm Witcher.

I really need a vampire lover and boy fried. That's good eating. I am an earth-based witch with vamp tendencies. I want to share your body and blood. I want to trust you with my submission. I want to yearn for you body and soul. You body? You body and soul. You body?

You body and soul. I want you to hungrily nick me when I bleed. I think I'll pass, Troopy. Homestar Runner, you're freaking me out. Just chopping up vegetables. Just chopping up vegetables. Cuts your finger. It's like, oh, I cut my finger.

No, no, stop that. Stop that. Let me get the straw I'm too hungry you happen to be in Los Angeles California please come soon I'm dying okay and now so uh Portex

you're again unregistered D but you're a different person because this forum uh has a lot of broken things about it. Yeah. You know what? You're a little weird. Your post sounded like you were having an orgasm typing it. That is not a romance novel, and you don't save the details for some satyrs to replace to a decent message, you cum-kirsty, mental-spreading slut.

Stay out of Transylvania. There's a brave person to post that ten months after the OP. I know, I'm pretty brave and proud of my post. Hello, I am Raven DeSade. Greetings, Jasmine. Hello, I am Raven DeSade. Hi. Of course. Greetings, Jasmine. I am looking for sweet submissive victims to yield themselves to my pleasures. I currently reside around the location you describe.

Los Angeles, the land of the angels. I type like an asshole. Send, well, it's funny you say that, because I ask next to, send a missive to me. At raven de sod at totallyrealwebsite.com. Can you hear that? I think I can hear a woman screaming, fuck you, from all the way up. Yeah, fuck you

Dr. Frankenfarter. He just had it, whatever podcast he's recording, he just had like a Touretic outburst. Shut up! In just seven days, I'll make you a shitty website. You know, I'm going to prefer to think that it's pronounced Raven Deshade.

Raven Deshit. I need a blood operator. Go to that email of what the fuck ever at once, and we shall begin your seduction. It's already started. It's already started. Yay, the horny times

begin. Yay, yay, yay. We are going to sex so much. Oh, keep going. Oh, the sexy. The bounce, the sex all over me. Yes, can't help it. Don't stop.

Wishing you many nights of blood and fire. Raven. That is so Raven when you think about it. That is so Raven when you think about it. I wonder what Raven Deshade's other post was. Oh, and, uh, and, uh, Portex. This is my third person. You're another different person named Unregistered D. Unregistered D.

Hello! Hello! I just wanted to put my two cents in about this Whopper. Mm-mm, them's good eating. Delicious. You are really fucked of human being if you think that, why don't you do us all a favor and jump off a bridge, you're sick and demented. Mm-mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm. How did that person even find their way into this forum? Sweetums is very good at the internet. I feel like this is a pretty niche thing. Like, if you're talking about vampire sex, it's not like you're Googling, you know, how to go fishing. I Googled vampire sex!

It brings me joy! Okay, then. As you were, sir. Speaking of screaming. I am SSJ the Goku Primal my lady I am known as

Kane I am a Sanger in Wiccan Vampire and I am 19 if you are wanting to talk more please email me

at that email address I will be awaiting your email. By the way, I love blood as well. And I'm in currently, but I'm going to UCLA. So this anime nerd was like,

there's a hoiny girl somewhere in the city. Hey, it's a numbers game and you only need one. Alright, I am sang v 106 i am 17 male how do you all type at the same time you know what it's kind of like having like the kids in the trench coat only it's 17 guys like all on top of each other trying to fuck a giraffe, I guess. I don't know. A sanguinarian vampire looking for a lover in L.A. as well.

So sanguinarian... Sanguinarian vampire... No, that's like the traditional blood-drinking vampire. Yeah, sanguinarian vampires is just the people they're... Not a psychic vampire. Yeah, they're the ones that are like, oh, no, you have to donate blood to me because... Or a Doritos vampire.

And when you... I suck all the orange out. When you spell vampire that way, you're constantly on fire. Ah, give me blood! Anyway, I'm looking for a lover in LA as well. I know I may seem young, but am quite mature for my age. Oh, you sweetie. Please respond. That's not the problem.

The problem is you're young. Although Sangby106 did put his actual picture in as his avatar. Oh, good. There is no age of consent for drinking blood. There's never consent for drinking blood. There's never consent for drinking blood.

Okay, so another classified ad here. I'm a pretentious guy. Boots guy. I always wanted to say something, but I just fell over being Boots. And I posted this 16 years ago. Oh, man. 2001. We're getting so good.

So good. Okay. Vamp in Ohio seeks your menses. Oh, man, 2001. We're getting so good. So good. Okay. Vamp in Ohio seeks your menses. You know what? No, I changed my mind. Not so good. Back up. Oh, no, the creepy hole again. They didn't talk about this in Vampire College.

Is he looking for a mensa club to sign up? Oh, let's call him Jimmy. Sweet, beautiful Jimmy Franks. You sweet summer child. I seek to drink your Mensis and teach you a new lifestyle. At the same time, I'm sure. No.

Come to me and we shall learn together. Body, mind, spirit, and soul. And Mensis. I will extinguish your desires. Now that part's true. Yeah, that's just gonna happen. When you take one look at me, I will extinguish your desires.

Yeah, that's a buff aura I have. And poof, your libido is gone. Perhaps you will be the teacher. I do not know at all. I've always desired to learn more. Boots read it wrong, but he got it right. Yeah. This is

Tanya24. Well, I don't know where to begin. I'm not a vampire, but I've been interested in them since I first started having dreams about one that was 11 years ago i'm 24 now the dream stopped for a while recently i've started again and my dream there is a man and i don't know if i'm scared of him or intrigued but no matter what i do he is there and sometimes i want to run away but i can't but um I can never dream to be a blah

to remember what he looks like the change is already happening I can never seem to be a blah to remember what he looks like no matter how hard I try so since the dream started up again I've been reading a lot more about vampires in fact that's all I can do it's like nothing else is important so here I sit hoping to find an explanation of it all. I have also studied Wicca slash witchcraft for many years. I can't seem to find an answer there either. So now I turn to you. She goes to her coven and they're like, you idiot.

Vampires don't exist. I find passion in everything and I'm always looking for something more. I would love to be able to speak with you. Hopefully you can put out the flame for a man I am both scared of and Integred by.

This is the worst threat. Like a lot of people say, oh, you know, I don't know much about magic and wicked vampires and dragons and stuff, but can someone teach me? This is the worst thread to jump in and ask that about. Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe it wasn't done. I don't know.

I just like that he posted this. This guy posted this gross thing, and Tanya's like, I'm just going to post a bunch of aimless bullshit. It's like, all right, cool. I am also horny. That was Tanya24's only post. Well, it must have worked out. They're now married with seven vampire children. They have a bunch of little baby vampires running around.

Flying around. Flying. It's blood in a baby bottle. You know, it's cute. Okay, so the Havadator and Liz Bytham have really over-provided us this. This document is enormous

and everything I found in it is amazing. I highly recommend checking it out on the website. On the website. And seeing what we missed because there's a lot of really good stuff that we're skipping. is amazing. I highly recommend checking it out on thefpl.us and seeing what we missed because there's a lot of really good stuff that we're skipping. So we're

going to have to move off of the classified ads into this section of the document. This intro is so nice. It's so vintage. It's so good. Yeah. Do you want to take it, Bartekson?

I mean, this is pretty long. This is a section called Vampires are Serious Business. Vampires are serious business. Yeah, it's a... So, yeah, we've now moved on to sanguinarious.org, which its header is sanguinarious.org for real vampires. Yes. For real vampires. Yes.

For real vampires. And my Chrome is saying it's not secure. And yeah, I agree with you, Chrome. You got it on the money. So vampires are serious business. I imagine being a bumper sticker with a Yosemite Sam. FYI. And this site at the bottom of it is copyright 1997. Yeah, and this was posted in 1998 on December 29th by Sanguinarious E. Sanguinarious.

Well, I say, my name is Sanguinarious E. Sanguinarious. I think I got a spam email from him. That might be the ghostwriter because there's another by. Sarah Dorrance, number seven, Steelhooks. Sorry, Sarah Dorrance. So,, Steelhooks. Sorry, Sarah Dorrance. So, yeah, just start into this. So this is the how to feed properly post. Sanguinarious note.

Now, this is so great. So anyone who wants a peek into what the internet was like in 1998, here we go. Yes. The following article is not intended for children. Those who are close-minded are those who are easily offended. If you are one of these, please press your back button now. I don't wish to corrupt or offend you. And if you're a kid who has got this far, that means you lied when you clicked OK on my little precautionary pop-up screen.

Scram! I don't want your angry parents screaming down my throat because you lied to get here is that how screaming works? I'm feeling such a strange form of nostalgia right now it's so good it needs animated fire gif background and comic sans

little shitty cgi email that flies out of a mailbox it needs the site, the hit counter with the sleeping dragon next to it that's breathing the fire. The cool vampire site of the day, WebRing. Yes. Homer eating a sandwich.

This was originally posted on the Real Vampires e-list. On the groupsyahoo.com group Real Vampires. Oh, Jesus. Alright, let's just get to the methods of withdrawal. Sorry. Ah, Real Vampires. Stop remembering 2001

and start reading. Methods of withdrawal. Number one, biting. Yeah, people told me I bite all the time, and they were right. Not the safest or most painless way to obtain blood. It can be very sensual to receive a hickey. Less sensual to give it if you are trying to get blood through the skin.

You end up sucking so hard that you give yourself tongue burn. Tongue burn? Tongue burn. Tongue burn. That's the worst case of tongue burn I ever seen. Breaking the skin, however, hurts. Victor, can you confirm? Sometimes.

If you are going to use this method, make sure you have used mouthwash beforehand to minimize germs. I used to recommend brushing the teeth, but this can often cause bleeding gums. No, if you do... If you brush your teeth regularly, your gums don't bleed. Well, see, regularly was not in the sentence, so

you've made an assumption there. So never brush your teeth. Well, you made an open wound with your mouth on my neck, but now that open wound is filled with mouthwash, and that feels great, so thanks. To be fair, we've skipped a lot of stuff in this doc, so it's possible that there was an instruction that told vampires that they need to

brush their teeth with, like, testing cleaners. And that makes swallowing blood very unsafe. Swallowing other people's blood is unsafe. Indeed. Keep a first aid kit handy. The best way to bite someone is in the middle of sex. That's the best one.

That's when the blood is the ripest. In the middle of sex while smoking a joint and wearing your hat backwards. For those of you playing at home, don't actually do that. Eating a pizza slice. What, putting your hat backwards? Yes. Yes, do not. Or sexual foreplay.

You get a higher endorphin count and your donor will not notice the pain as much. You know what? No, I think that's wrong. Oh, I feel so good right now. Ah, Jesus! I notice this pain. Endorphin, high score. The neck is the most easily accessed place, and it is very sensitive, but the thighs are more practical in that they can be covered and are at least as sensitive as the neck.

and are at least as sensitive as the neck. If your donor has breasts, which male or female they probably do, they can be a good target area as well. I mean, it works for KFC, why not people? Yeah. That's the way I live my life. Although I don't recommend biting the nipple hard enough to draw blood. Well, thanks.

Good. Go slow and gradually build up sensation. Then after you're done with feeding, and sex as this is in the middle of sexual activity, clean up with a local antiseptic. Don't import that shit. That's not...

Okay. I know, shut up! This character is not very smart, Boots... Okay. I know, shut up. This character is not very smart, dudes. Okay. I just like to picture, like, just this... The person in this just, like, slowly, like, kissing up the leg, and then suddenly, Alright, we're at the thigh. Alright, now just read two more sentences. You won't get much more than a few drops this way.

Wow. Wow. Good. Well, I guess if you don't ever brush your teeth and you only got two teeth left, probably. Okay, no, this is medical science. If you place your hickey on the carotid artery, you'll get a large amount of energy. And you may also cause your partner to slowly asphyxiate. No. That's gonna be awesome

and you might kill somebody. That's not how this works. Look, the carotid artery has the most carrots in it. So it's healthy. It carries oxygen to the lungs. It carries energy to the lungs. It carries energy to the charka. energy to the lungs. It carries energy to the

charka. You can tell they're asphyxiating if you hear a slight hiss. Hey, Toast, tell us a little bit about Method 2. Method 2 is cutting. Oh, man. It's 2001, so its edge is everywhere.

Or, sorry, 1998. Edges everywhere. You'll buy the whole razor. That's it. And then you'll use it. Use a very sharp knife. A lancet. Is that a thing?

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. A scalpel, or possibly a very sharp razor. There we go. Do not use a dull implement or an exacto knife. It's a spoon,

it'll hurt more. This hurts! This website hurts! Is this a Thieves reference? I hate this website. It hurts. The sharper the blade, the better. Be careful not to cut any actual veins or arteries,

because we're not going for blood here, I guess. You don't need a whole pint of blood, and you don't want to have to clean up the mess that spurting blood invariably causes. Also the extreme danger. What do you mean? That spurting blood invariably causes. Yeah!

Whatever. We just bit somebody in the carotid artery, but... I need to clean up all this blood, but I think I just need to sit down for a while first. Many vampires think they need a lot more blood than they do. Esp when hungry. Yeah, you know, it's all about portion control. Just use a small blood. It's like Weight Watchers for fat vampires.

How many blood points is this? Vladdy Craig. That's what I got. Five out of ten. I lost weight using this one weird trick. Drinking blood. That is a weird trick. Our eyes are bigger than our stomachs. We're drawn by

DeviantArt. Visualize the spurting jets As you drain your victim of energy But keep it on the astral level Am I right guys? Let's keep it on the astral level Oh the bullshit level Alright I'm turning my chair around I'm sitting down Let's keep it on the astral level okay That's so great though

Astral that was a big thing. Yay! Your physical body is just going to excrete the stuff anyways, mostly undigested. Undigested. Excuse me. That's a medical fact. Medical fact.

Somebody check on Victor. He's side. Like something's gone wrong with him. He's asphyxiating. He may have passed out. He's side. Like something's going wrong with him. He's asphyxiating. He may have passed out. He's losing energy. You're feeding off the release of the energy, and a little cut will work just as well. Again.

No, Doctor, the blood in my stool is just because I drank a lot of blood. Again, the best way to get a lot of energy is if this is part of erotic play. Again, the best way to get a lot of energy is if this is part of erotic play. If you practice SM fear, may be very well part of desire, especially if your donor is afraid of blades. I have no idea what that means. It's because if you practice sadomaticism, then fear might be part of it. Yeah, if you put a comma after the SM. Oh, okay.

Okay, yeah, I see it it now okay um so let's just skip forward to number three uh well actually i do want to say one thing okay yeah avoid vital organ areas that's it oh yeah that's just good like the carotid artery only bite the gallbladder and their appendix you know i got that i just got that in a fortune cookie recently oh lady can I eat your tonsils? It's so hot. Let me get your appendix. Isfahan, what's method number

three? Alright, now we're gonna move into the sweet science here, jabbing. Jabbing. You gotta drink the blood, right? As in pins and needles. Oh. If you get into piercing at all, this is a great way to get little

tiny amounts of blood, sometimes more if you have hit the capillary. That's not how you spell capillary, but okay. Capillary. Capillary, yes. If you know how to do venipuncture, even better, because you can remove vials of blood this way, and

surgical needles don't hurt very much. However, if you are not a trained phlebotomist, don't do it. Great reason to take night school courses in medical assisting. Wouldn't they suspect something if a dude in a cave came to your

night school courses? The price of these textbooks is bullshit. The safest way for the amateur to get blood is with the use of a soft-touch device. Thanks for pointing this out to me, Thomas Inns. You're welcome. It's how diabetics

monitor their blood sugar. It's pretty idiotic. Those diabetics monitor their blood sugar. It's pretty idiotic. Those diabetics are morons. We'll just see about that. I smell a challenge. I don't find them very erotic, but they have their uses. What, diabetics? Idiots.

I'm going to tell you about number four. Okay. I'm going to tell you about number four okay I'm going to tell you about number four here lay it on me yeah whipping if you have a masochistic donor you must whip it if you have a masochistic donor you must whip it

now whip it drink some blood make a website be really dumb Now whip it. Drink some blood. Make a website. Be really dumb. Dung, dung, dung, dung, dung. Drink that blood. Wow.

Wow. Rest upon guessing. No, it is not. That horse is dead, but boy, we're just gonna... It's a vampire horse that came back to life! Oh, Victor, what are we gonna do to that horse that horse is dead but boy we're just gonna it's a vampire horse that came back to life oh victor what are we gonna do to that horse yeah okay you're not listening to the devo cast peekaboo keep whipping that horse fuckers uh whipping's one of the best ways to get lots and lots of endorphins and energy release. You'll tire yourself out a little, but energy will be more than replaced if the scene goes well.

Discussion of whipping techniques and ways to make an SM scene great have taken up entire books, so I'll just restrict myself to how to draw blood. Use a rubber whip, or a braided cat with steel tips at the end, or possibly a cane, or a really vicious crop. Or just a statue, or braided cat with steel tips at the end, or possibly a cane, or really vicious crop. Or just a statue, or a table leg.

I'm sure Ispon's got a list of things that you can beat someone to death with. Well, I know one thing that wouldn't make it. These are by far the nastiest of the common toys. Signal whips are also pretty efficient. Signal whips? Signal whip. Usually inspires terror in the heart of even the stoutest of bottoms. They make the rock and roll go, Rowdy.

I think a lot of the people on this website have the stoutest of bottoms. I just know what that means. Tonto, what is that whip saying on the horizon just a reminder to listeners of the podcast yeah we know what bottoms are excuse me you got it wrong look I'm a vampire

from 1998 and you got my entire we're making jokes I don't understand what on a podcast a joke podcast with jokes so you'll get some adrenaline out of it, too. Signal whips were originally designed to motivate sled dogs by making a really scary noise. So that's hot. It's pretty hot.

Oh, yeah. Number five, Victor. Do you have to yell mush? Oh, God. Yes, Victor. Yes, number five. Picking scabs is gross. Indeed.

I am sure there are some people out there who do this. My only response to this is, yuck. That's my only response. Did you say yuck? Yuck. Okay. Okay. It didn't come across, so we were all just reading.

Oh, my God. This guy's comedy timing is amazing. I'm on the edge of my seat. What's his response? Wait for it. Sorry. It didn't sound to me, but maybe the laryngitis dropped it out right there. I'm picturing all of us just leaning forward at our monitors. Sometimes Discord drops a syllable.

Putting our fists under our chins. So now Discord is good comic timing. So good. And Jimmy Frank's number six. Animal blood. so good and uh jimmy frank's number six animal blood if you're a city dweller and you don't like the idea of bleeding your pets i don't know i don't know the assumption that someone does damn city slickers yeah just pull your budgie out of the cage and chop his head off and just drink it like a damn go-go i don't like like that. I don't like it. I don't like it. Listen, listen.

You know, if you don't like bleeding your pets, your best bet is to eat really juicy, rare steaks, which are not always the best thing for your health. There is a slight risk of food poisoning. Drinking the blood from the package is not only dangerous, it's also really gross. I don't recommend it. Beef, it's what's for dinner. Keep going. Oh, I'm sorry.

I was taking a drink of my booze. You need blood. Blood. Blood. Blah. if you if you live in the country and can slaughter or drain your own livestock more power to you fucking leather face angry accounts right yeah uh you set up a beer bong underneath the neck you can get a lot more blood this way if you need volume and you can be sure of where it came from which as its health merits well it doesn't it came from

an animal yeah hunting is an even better way to get lots of animal blood and and i personally think it is more ethical to hunt your dinner than it is to buy from a factory farm red dawn is one of my favorite movies I prefer human blood myself And that is safe and that's not gross Does that mean he hunts people? Blood Probably It is the most dangerous game

The most dangerous game And the last one is Master of Blood Oh of course Wait a minute what about feeding on your own blood? Like a perpetual motion machine. Oh, yeah. Portax, tell us about feeding on your own blood. We can't leave that out.

Yeah, yeah. It's a contradiction in terms. If you crave blood, not energy, you don't have much to lose, but you'll expend energy by cutting yourself. Science. On the other hand, if it's only blood you want, go for it! Go for it, dude! At least this way you are assured of a regular donor,

even though it's your own fucking blood, it doesn't really make any fucking sense, but that's fine. You know, it's often been said, but he who is his own blood donor has a fool for a client. It's like vampire masturbation at that point. Vampsturbation. Vampsturbation. There you go. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And so the last thing in this episode we're going to cover are a couple of book reviews.

We're going to go to the Amazon store for this. Ooh. And the first book here is called The Ethical Psychic Vampire by Raven Caldera. Okay, product description. If you've ever felt that your energy or life force was being continually drained by someone, especially if it was someone you loved,

then you probably should have given them this book. This is the definitive guide to psychic vampires with exercises and advice to help them learn to control with exercises and advice to help them learn control and compassion and get their needs met in ethical ways from coping with vampire children to dealing with your vampire lover this book covers it all in straightforward anonymous tiger god damn it it's not me all in straightforward anonymous tiger damn it it's not me all in straightforward style um and so uh michelle bellinger that's going to be victor uh so this my review is uh entitled a balanced and insightful resource five out of five stars as an author on psychic vampirism myself i know the challenges of tackling this

complex and controversial subject matter especially when writing from a point of view sympathetic to the vampire raven caldera attacks the topic head-on daring to delve into territory that many others have shied away from. Caldera, an author who has established himself as someone who does not flinch away from touchy subjects and cultural taboos, brings his usual clear, sensible, and sometimes

blunt style to the table, offering practical wisdom for those individuals who are struggling to come to terms with their psychic vampirism. Very difficult. In a community that is often rife with politics, Caldera takes no sides, instead presenting the material simply as he has observed and experienced it for himself. I'm not racist, but psychic vampires are like this.

himself. I'm not racist, but psychic vampires are like this. He supplements his own research and insights into the vampiric condition with interviews with other psychic vampires, some of them fairly well-known. Oh, really? Jim Bob, Fred,

Gomer Goopies. Yeah, like Steve Harvey. You can't suck that blood. You can't do that on television. So that's what happened in last year's Miss Universe. An added bonus is that these are vampires who themselves are known to have radically different approaches to the topic. And so the reader gets a full spectrum view on values, practices, and personal experiences.

I wonder if they agree on the color of the emperor's clothes at any point. What I liked best about this work is the fact that Caldera does not brush under the rug topics like sexuality, blood drinking, and even parenting. Oh my gosh. and magical aspects of being a psychic vampire are adequately served, but the practical day-to-day concerns are also given their due. Do they talk about

the psychic vampire Linda from HR? Am I right? LOL. I'm sorry, Victor. That word was pronounced McGickle. McGickle. I tried to put a lot of emphasis on the CK, but it didn't work. The McGickle. I tried to put a lot of emphasis on the CK, but it didn't work. The McGickle.

McGickle. The McGickle. In all, this is a balanced and coherent text, one I will be recommending to my own readers as a must-have for their shows. And Jimmy Franks, you're a vampire owl. I am. Raven's book has been an amazing source of inspiration to me. And as someone who had many questions, this book helped me find the answers, smiley face.

I would definitely recommend it to those who need answers to those burning questions. Cheers! And toast, Elizabeth Vongvisith. I am Elizabeth Vongvisith. I am Elizabeth Vongvisith. And the title of my review is, Actually... Ah, technically, psychic vampires are real. Doesn't make you a vampire.

I can't believe it. That's not part of the vampire mythos. What are you talking about? Well, actually... Worst vampire ever. Previous reviewers who have complained that there is no bibliography or citations should note that the author states repeatedly

throughout the book that everything except the quotes from other people he writes about is drawn from his own personal experience as a psychic vampire and a shaman. You were supposed to cite quotes. A shaman. Oh were supposed to cite quotes. A shaman. Oh, I'm sorry, shamans don't have...

Are you adjusting your hat as you're reviewing this book? Shaman summon quotes. Ms. Shaman. This is not an academic treatise or a theoretical guide. This is a book by someone who has found out through trial and error, how to control his own vampiric tendencies,

and who gives good, thoughtful advice about how to deal with such tendencies in oneself or one's child in an ethical and non-abusive way. There is no bibliography or references because the author's primary source was himself and those whom he interviewed. Oh, no shit.

The bibliography is just me! Vampires are real. Source me. I'm a vampire. The end. That being said, I am not a psychic vampire myself, but I do deal with energy work quite a bit.

Sometimes I get up. And I think anybody who does as well should probably read this book. Even if you yourself are not a vampire, whether you're a magician, witch, shaman, or whatever. Oh, I'm a cleric. Then fuck right off!

I thought you were a felon. Fucking clerics? God damn it. We needed a tank for the raid, asshole. You're probably going to run into one of these folks at some point, if you haven't already. Most of them probably aren't even aware of what they're doing. Rather than shunning them and screeching about how evil they are, why not show them this book?

And try to help them understand themselves better. Hmm? It can't hurt to be accepting and understanding if you're in a position to help someone. Mom. Alright, and we're going a little bit long, but I just want to do one more review.

And this is from a book titled a little bit long, but I just want to do one more review. And this is from a book titled... I'm not going to read the description of the book. It's just the book is titled Vampires Today, The Truth About Modern Vampirism by Joseph P. Laycock. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Joseph.

Hey, Beavis. Lay. Good one. He said P.. Lay. Good one. He said pee. It was a good one. Okay, and this review is titled, Intellect Rising by Kiera. Five out of five stars.

In a world of soundbites and sensationalism, Joseph Laycock is a shining star in true journalistic integrity, as well as sincere research and presentation. paranormal fiction and its sub-genre paranormal romance novels have become the fast food of book cheap easy to obtain and leave you hungry only hours after a meal vampires today is a real meat is realresearched and unbiased, Vampires Today truly investigates the roots of the vampire-slash-vampire community in all its myriad facets. Laycock uses a wealth of historical resources, articles, and quotes to amazing results.

This should be the resource for anyone who wants to delve into the reality of modern vampires rather than being blitzkrieg by the flash in the pan of the media's vampire flavor of the month. Ah, yes. Don't listen to Fox News' take on vampires. I'm not sure which part of the phrase reality of modern vampires I have the most problem with. Conjunctions piss you off, don't they, Jim Francis? God damn it! Conjunction! Conjunction! Alright, so F+, what do you think we learned today? Vampires? I learned that

the country is full of vampires. The internet in 1998 was a magical place. It was! It makes me so happy! Old school everykin just make me so giddy and happy. There is something very carefree about all this stuff. This was back in the time where if you were to say, oh, I'm a vampire, I'm a griffin, I'm a dragon, whatever,

then you had to then explain, well, then why are you in a human body? explain, well then why are you in a human body? So there would always be this backstory of, oh, maybe the genetics of the blood of that cow that I ate turned me into a vampire. Sure. Which is way more explanation than you get these days, because these

days people will just say, no, I am a vampire because I am. That's the end of it. And if you say that I'm wrong, then you're gaslighting me and you're an asshole. Astral. Astral. Yeah, that's true. It's neat how it's fun to read something

from that time, because now, if somebody says I'm a vampire in real life, then there's like, what, five million communities saying oh, me too, let's talk and let's get together and you know, da-da. And back then it was like I'm a vampire in real life, and there ain't shit on the web on the internet about it all right i guess i gotta write up an faq and so they have to become these uh these yeah these self-made resources for hey here's why i like the blood yeah this is an origin story and this is like

they haven't even figured out the origin story yet it's they're they're just scribbling down some notes on the back of their trapper keeper only it's the internet it's i i'll like what i've learned is that everything that i did learn about vampires from the movie fright night is total bullshit and i want my money back um i learned that just by checking out the vampire guides on Drink Deeply and Dream, it actually goes up to vampire guide 801. Surviving the Day and Corporate World, Tips, Suggestions, and Techniques. So is that the 800 level? Is that where you get your BHD or your blah HD?

Yeah. Come on. blah yeah and uh yeah if you uh I just killed the end of the episode oh my god

you're an episode vampire you put a wooden stake right through his heart he had to climb back into his chair so he could keep talking. It was so funny. We all had to mute our mics because we were laughing so hard. It sounds, listen audience, it sounded like an awkward silence. But I guarantee you, we were slapping knees left and right.

Everybody's audio was clipping so hard. It was a mess. We were just la-mow, just la-mow left and right. And if you want to go to a place where bad jokes take the air out of the room, you should go to Ball Pitch. Also buy stickers. Bye. Bye.

Stickers. Only a woman can make himself Pure in heart Who will offer himself To master the truth This should begin

without the sound In the room tonight. Yeah. I was about to do. Hey, F+. Oh, God, we've gone back in time. We're just like, oh, man, Lemon's job is so easy. I bet we could do it. Now we're all Donald Trump tonight.

It's the thing. I hosted two weeks ago. I should be okay with this.