The F Plus - 253: Heal Yourself With Crystals

Episode Date: June 10, 2017

The proprietors of online crystal shop EnergyMuse.com inform us that “almost ever [sic] ancient civilization has utilized Earth energy—in the form of crystals and gems—in some way.” And if you think that statement is suspect, let me ask you - do you really understand what that means? I'm pretty sure nobody does. This week, The F Plus isn't sure who stole that joke from whom.

What, we're not going to go on some nonsense banter for a bit? No, I feel like we've matured beyond that as a podcast. Like, we used to need to fill up all that dead air with, you know, humor and discussion, but I feel like we respect our audience at this point enough to just give, like, a minute solid of dead air. Yeah, we're comfortable with the silence. It's not like we have to fill it with anything. Well, I bought this banter crystal that auto-generates it for me.

Is that a corporal light? Is that what you got there? It will be in a couple hundred years. Gazing from my window, the streets below On freshly fallen sand and snow I am a rock, I am alive Welcome to the F Plus Podcast. Terrible auras cleansed with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we've got Frank West.

Get ready for 2017, the official year of the re-words. Not so gulag. Self-love crystals and the ultimate guide to a solo valentine. Come quads up. I snuck my crystals into the car when he wasn't looking. I had to, because I knew my husband would say, why can't we just be like normal people who take clothes and

toiletries and book on a trip? Why do we always have to take rocks with us wherever we go? Our very special guest tonight, Ironicus. Meditation is the ultimate power for 2016. And Boots Reingear. The crystals for cancer are a major power source. Having them in your environment will bring you many blessings. Hey, F+.

Hello. Hello, Boots. Hey, Frank West, I noticed you had a little bit of difficulty saying my name there. Yeah, I don't... Are your chakras out of tune? A little bit. They have been misaligned. I slipped a chakra disc.

Is your aura just a little bit gray these days? My aura's always a bit gray. Everybody's always said that about me. Are your crystals getting a little dull and scratched? Yes. Fortunately, the Heavenator and Lizbiathon have provided us with a document that should be able to help you

with your problems. I felt like there was a question mark at the end of that sentence. I don't know about that. Yeah, so we've got a site that's called energymuse.com. We're going to be reading from the Energy Muse blog and the Energy Muse shop tonight. Or this morning, depending on when you're listening to it. It's a podcast.

It's an ephemeral thing. It can be any time you want it to be. Hopefully the concept of time still exists where you are. We'll find out. Hey, we've got Ironicus with us today. Ironicus? Am I pronouncing it correctly? Who even cares? I don't know.

Great. We've got Ironicus here who's gonna start us off and read from a post titled Crystals for Sex and Intimate Relationships. What else are they for, goddammit? Crystals are powerful aphrodisiacs. Using crystals for sex, sensuality, and intimacy activates the sexual energy in your body

at the root and sacral chakras so that your emotional and subtle body is stimulated and love is able to flow seamlessly between both partners. It helps partners express their needs and wants within the space and to view the sexual relationship as a sacred bond. So now we're going to talk about rocks. Yeah, tell us about the different rocks and, sorry, crystals.

And what they can do for us and our sex. We're having sex now. Yeah, we're getting our shiny rocks off, yes. Right now? Okay. Crystals for sex and intimacy. Red Jasper. This stone invigorates the libido and prolongs

sexual excitement. It energizes and cleanses the sacral chakra and its related organs. If you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. Can you explain that? It's especially useful for increasing virility in men. Yeah?

Um. I'm feeling it already. I don't even have one. The orange carnelian recharges the energy of the sacral chakra, enhancing sexuality and restoring virility

to the female sex organs. The smoky quartz stone helps you accept that sex is normal, healthy, and enjoyable, mother. My sex. Just hold the goddamn Smokey Quartz crystal.

It's normal and enjoyable. It helps to cleanse your sexual centers so that energy can flow freely. Smokey Quartz is one of the best crystals for sex for men because it increases their virility. It gets them to chill the fuck out. Come on. We were all raised Catholic. We got over it.

Do you think it's possible to use the term sexual centers without all sex stopping? Like immediately? No. If you're talking about maybe like a sports position. Okay. like immediately no if you're talking about like maybe like a sports position okay okay yeah like a sexual running back

yeah yeah they've got a really strong sexual center out there distracting the other team oh man I mean how can you run the ball down the lane when I don't know much about sports? They say that was Pavel Dotsyuk's greatest strength on the ice

was his raw sexual attraction. I always thought of myself as a sexual forward, but due to my size, they put me as an enforcer role. Until that unfortunate groin pull accident. As long as you don't have any sexual goaltending, then... Then we should move on. The garnet stone dissolves any blockages that might exist in your lower chakras. Oh boy, do I ever.

It is also known as the stone of physical love and the relationship between your loving partners. Rose quartz stone. Rose quartz opens the heart to love and trust between partners. It also helps increase self-love. I don't need help with that. In case these other ones don't work for you. It's the plan B gem, which leads to more understanding and communication. So that's good. We've learned a bit about some rocks.

So do I fuck them? a bit about some rocks. Do I fuck them? Well, according to Gwyneth Paltrow's thing called goop, you stick them in your hoo-ha. And it cleanses stuff. It cleanses.

Wow. The power of a UTI. Does it cleanse toxins, though? Because I think I have a lot of those. Yeah, it cleanses all the toxins. It sucks them right out. The picture of this article is just some rocks on a thigh. So

maybe you just put them on your thigh? Oh, that's what it is. I have so much shame for the human body. I've never really seen one. Hey, Nutshell. Yes? I'm having difficulty finding my passion.

Okay. You've got what may be a method of doing that. I don't understand these words, but I'm hoping you can clarify this for me. Well, yes. See, what you need to do is find your passion with a carnelian point ritual. Finding your passion can be difficult. Many people experience one of two extremes. Either they have so many ideas and options they don't know what route to take,

or they haven't found inspiration or an overwhelming feeling of excitement for a path. Carnelian holds an energy that stimulates your sacral chakra, the energy system that is connected to your passion and purpose. Working with its energy can help you focus in on exactly what it is your soul needs and guides you on finding your passion. A carnelian point allows creative ideas to flow, stimulates your passion, and inspires you to find the path to your passion. Practice this carnelian point ritual whenever you need a dose of inspiration or guidance

to finding and focusing your passion. Okay. So, I fuck him. Well... You can't fuck everything, Kumquat. Well... It still doesn't tell me how to, like, what part of my body interacts

with this. I've got that for you right here. Oh, good. Finding your passion ritual. One, find somewhere outside you can sit and watch the sunset with your carnelian point. Carnelian points like sunsets. The sunset represents the closing of the energy of the day and the beginning

of a new dawn. Okay, so hopefully at least the site gives us a URL link for carnelian point. Hey, come on, you want to read what it says? Your Carnelian Point is oops!

Looks like Mercury is in retrograde for this hopelessly lost page. We need a little black tourmaline for these lost in transition feelings. Just a little inside crystal humor there. We have fun here, you know.

While the page works on finding itself, why not glance through our selection of healing crystals and jewelry to see what finds you. Four or four pages were a mistake. Four or four pages were an inside job? I mean, sort of. Sorry, Nutshell, continue. I don't know.

I think my carnelian's out of joint now. Okay. Hold the carnelian point over your second chakra located just below the navel. As the sun sets, just fully enjoy the moment watching it disappear before your eyes. Then, when you feel a slight bit of inspiration or all-knowing feeling that everything in this world

has a purpose, close your eyes. Sit in meditation long enough to go within yourself and discover the answers that are already within you. Ask yourself, what is it in this very moment that would bring passion and excitement to your life? Probably not crystals. If you could do anything right now, what would it be? Once you discover that, ask yourself what steps you can take

in your daily life to move in that direction. Sitting with the carnelian point over your sacral chakra will help you focus this energy on what truly matters to you. And that's how I decided to go to art school. True story. Yeah. Yeah. I just pointed a carnelian. At your sacral chakra.

Yep. Yeah. Hey, Frank West. That's me. Your life is in grave danger. That's true. How did you Yep. Yeah. Hey, Frank West. That's me. Your life is in grave danger. That's true. How did you know? Yeah, but fortunately, you've discovered a way to survive.

We almost lost you, but you're going to tell us how you lived. I almost fell to the grave danger of mercury retrograde, but I learned how to survive Mercury retrograde with crystals. Okay. Mercury retrograde is defined as a three-week period in which the planet Mercury appears to be moving in a backwards

motion. Whoa! During this time, many people experience many adverse effects, such as memory loss, loss of time, loss of items, and loss of common sense. Which I guess is how you ended up here. I love that video where Michael Jackson was in retrograde and he took my damn keys. As for technology, many unexpected glitches occur during this time, such as software crashes and emails getting lost.

Yep, I, you know, when I got done building the website, I made sure to, you know, make the errors that only occur during the time frame. So with this being said, how do you handle this three-week Mercury retrograde period? It's time to think of...

It's time to think of It's time to think of things with a re in front of it. Oh no! I'm thinking! Come on! I'm thinking! Boy! Such as rethink, redo, renew, restructure,

and re-evaluate. Reduce, reuse, recycle. No others. Retrograde. Renegade. Remember. Reprehensible. Rewind. Negotiate my fee for being on this thing. God damn. Wait, you're getting paid.

Shh. The planet Mercury rules the mind, intellect, communication, and mental clarity. During a Mercury retrograde period, intellect, communication, and mental clarity. During a Mercury retrograde period, simple acts of communication or common sense can become distorted and altered from your original intent.

Instead of starting new projects, it's time to relook at what's currently going on in your life. Baby, baby, she doesn't mean anything to me. Mercury's just in retrograde. We can work this out take this tourmaline let's both get our carnelian points out and think this through if you have a business opportunity presented to you during mercury retrograde it's always good to listen rethink about what you heard and then discuss any financial details once Mercury

goes direct. I have always made it a point to never sign contracts during Mercury retrograde. Why? In my experience, the few times that deals were signed during a retrograde period, they always resulted in lots of miscommunication issues and fell through in the end. I am not saying that business deals only stay together when Mercury is not in retrograde. My point is that everything is a bit harder during a Mercury retrograde period. However, I have a friend who is a divorce attorney, and he says that he loves Mercury retrograde because his business skyrockets. Hey, let's skip down to the crystals from Mercury Retrograde.

There's so many good details. There's so many great crystals you could use for this, too. So many. Start with the first one. Black tourmaline assists in letting go of fear, anxiety, and chaotic energy. It works with the root chakra, grounding you into the energy of the earth. Black Tourmaline also offers strong protective energies during this period of chaos and turmoil, and a plus two against slashing attacks, no, and helping you to feel safe, supported, and secure.

I love Black Tourmaline. It's my favorite 70s action movie. Tree Agate allows you to feel supported and nurtured by Mother Earth It instills a strong sense of inner peace helping to calm your nerves and shift your focus back to the beauty that lies in Earth Tree agate also promotes a healthy flow of positive energy

throughout the entire body clearing any blockages that may be preventing abundance from flowing freely. Yeah. Hematite is one of our favorite grounding crystals. When you hold it in your hands or wear it on your body, its energy pulls you

downward, making you run with the earth. You're not my real hematite! You can't tell me what to do! Constantly pulls any excess unwanted or negative energy from your body into itself to clear your energy field. Indigo Gabbro helps you to focus and overcome distractions. Indigo Gabbro had the hottest mixtape of 2015. Thank you very much. He was my favorite of the Gabbro brothers.

of 2015. Thank you very much. Here's my favorite of the Gabbro brothers. It helps you to recall past memories and patterns that you tend to hide from yourself, bringing them to the surface so that you can face your fears and let go. Indigo Gabbro offers the message that the universe will provide you with the experiences,

people, and lessons you need. What's that Indigo Gabbro? It's all about how you choose to perceive the task in front of you. Amazonite helps you to speak with clarity and grace, fostering clear communication. So there was none available when writing this, right? No. What are you talking about? This information is so clear and useful and helpful and good.

And it offers calming and soothing energies, which will prove to be beneficial during this time of anxiety and stress. Fluoride emits peace and harmony and helps to release stress and anxiety. Often referred to as an energetic vacuum cleaner, it extracts up It neutralizes negative energy to bring harmony and balance and also scares your cats. Quartz crystal brings clarity

and focus. It vibrates pure white light, removing any... Does it really? It's okay. Removing any blockages or obstacles that lie on your path. So it's like one of the light bulbs with a botnet on it? Yep. That's exactly what it's like.

Light bulb with a botnet is my Kickstarter, actually. I mean, you ever just wave your watch at something and a barricade opens up before you? That's why. There we go. Yeah, I've done that plenty of times in my Dungeons & Dragons game. Hey, come cut. Hello! You've got something to tell us.

Ah! Get out of bed! Get out of bed! You're under psychic attack Hey Hey You need to get out of bed now I have a very strong

Feeling that you have been psychic Attacked Use a dark type, please! My son rubbed his eyes and looked up at me. I was attacked so hard, I have a son. Psychic attack? What is that? I just don't feel well.

I have a cold. Everybody gets a cold now and then. It's no big deal. And he rolled over to go back to sleep. I then told my son that I agreed. Everyone does get a cold now and then, but I had taken him to the

doctor twice and they could not find any lingering ailment, saying that he just needed a rest. He had been resting eight minus days now, and I knew something was off.

It's a mother's intuition or an energy worker's intuition. Not a thing. The house felt heavy. Okay, Mom, that's great. I'm really trying to sleep, though. I'm trying to lift up this house, and it's really heavy! Great, can you do the crystals? I'm trying to sleep.

The house is heavy! Although, although, hey, when sickness, when sickness is in the house Are you down with the sickness?

Whose house? Houses always feel heavy Don't I know it, man That's just how it goes I had saged the

house I had saged the house so I'm really I'm 50 50 over whether or not a like like the the work of a sage had been applied to it or just a bunch of like like herbs have been

sprinkled sage bundle of burning sage that people used to smudge in the house. Oh, not like running around sprinkling it on the carpets. I am familiar with New Age stuff. Yay! Yay! Ah, twice?

It would make your carpets pretty delicious, though. That's true. It smells like somebody blowtorched Thanksgiving. Every day, twice a day, filled the oil burner with essential oil blends and made sure his sheets were changed often. He was drinking lots of herbal teas. Plenty of high-grade vitamin C. The primo shit.

Yeah. Bone broths. It's stark, it's stark, it's always been called stark, it's stark. Oh my god, I hate you. Bone broths. Boon broths. Bone broths. Bone broths.

And was sleeping a lot. What could it be? Something was off. So I needed to trust my gut and do exactly what my intuition was telling me to do. It was time for a deep spiritual energy cleansing!

Yay! I told him that sometimes when our immune system gets weak, it's easier for people to feel the psychic attack symptoms. Psychic attack? Meaning a lower vibrational energy gets attached to your energy field, making you feel tired, lethargic, and sometimes even physically sick. What are you going to do about it, though?

I drew him a bath that included Himalayan salt. You threw a lamp in there? Apple cider vinegar and baking soda. I made him a volcano.

I was going to say marinade, but yeah, sure, that too. Take an acid, take a base, throw them in. Why not? And then he was delicious. And then asked him to soak in it for 20 minutes.

Making sure he dunked his head under the water several times. Mom, what did I do to deserve this? Keep your head in the water, Jimmy! Keep it what did I do to deserve this? I'm just sick! Keep your head in the water, Jimmy! Keep it there!

I then went through the house and moved anything in the corners of the room away from the walls. What? What? I don't know. Maybe that's not related to her son. Maybe she just... We just needed a change, you know?

After I threw all that sage around, I had to vacuum. I took all the crystals out of the house. Wait, out of the house? Whoa, what am I doing? You missed the plants. You missed the plants. Oh, shit. I placed all the plants outside to get re-energized under the sun.

Their batteries were low. Was it your kids' bad chakras ruining the plants? No, they were the battery-powered plants that dance when you flip the switch or say words. I just visualized that A bunch of little daisies with sunglasses I also brought Billy Bass outside too Yeah I took all the crystals out of the house

And mopped all the floors A mixture of white distilled vinegar Lemons and basil and thyme And the floors were delicious too I played mantras vinegar, lemons, and basil and thyme. Yeah, the floors were delicious, too. Ugh! I played mantras to clear the environment and got

my Tibetan bell and rang it in every room in the house. By now, my son was three miles away. I haven't seen him in weeks. Please tell me he's okay.

He still looks great, but he's standing and insisting he's better. Tibetan Bell is sort of like Taco Bell, but it's a mixture of Indian and Chinese. I opened all the doors and windows and then lit an incense blend that included Copal, Sage, Sandalwood, Frankincense, and Palo Santo.

Wow, I really loved some of his 70s albums. Wow. Hey, hey, guys! Oh, sorry. Hey! I spoke loudly! You don't say. Yeah.

Demanding that all low vibrational energy left right then. Lastly, I went through the house with sweet grass, praying for light and healing and love and harmony to fill my space. I went back into my son's room to find him asleep in his bed.

He got out of the bathtub. The house felt lighter. The energy had shifted. Into third gear. My son woke up and came into the kitchen and said mom i feel much better i told him that i was happy to hear that and gave him a big hug he looked at me and said i think my cold is going away now i smiled and said yes i think it is he also added that he was sure he was the only kid that had his mom

wake him up in the morning by telling him he was under psychic attack smiley face and so your honor that's exactly how it happened I swear okay next we're going to do 45 uses for lemons that will blow your mind

this will maybe help explain why lemon is missing from this episode. We'll find out. We used them for so many things. Yeah, we used them for 37 of these and I just stole that joke from Frank West and we're not recording. Alright. You just let me steal that joke from Kumquat. Yay!

Oh, right. I stole it from Kumquat. That's because you used a lemon to steal it. So it's a circle joke then. Secret use number negative one. You have to rewind from the first track. Yesterday we stumbled upon this post from The Mind Unleashed on different

uses for lemons. As many of you know from our spring coupon card, we love having lemons on our tables. Placing a bowl of lemons in your kitchen table is believed to bring the energy of new opportunities and bountifulness. Just in case that one secret wasn't enough lemon love for you, check out these 45 uses for lemons that will blow your mind. They capitalize lemon a lot, too. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, it's definitely our lemon. It's definitely our lemon. One, freshen your fridge. Two, yeah, yeah. No, it's definitely our lemon. It's definitely our lemon. One, freshen your fridge. Two, high blood pressure. Three, prevent cauliflower from turning brown. Four, mental health. Five, refresh cutting boards.

Six, respiratory problems. Seven, treating arthritis and rheumatism. Eight, prevents kidney stones. Respiratory problems. Seven. Treating arthritis and rheumatism. Eight. No. Prevents kidney stones. Nine. Keep insects out of the kitchen. Ten. Anti-aging.

Eleven. Fruit and vegetable wash. Twelve. Treat infections. Thirteen. Deodorize your garbage. Fourteen. Keep guacamole green. Fifteen, purges the blood.

Sixteen, make soggy lettuce crisp. Seventeen, oral health. Eighteen, whiten age spots. Nineteen, create blonde highlights. Twenty, make a room scent slash humidifier. Twenty-one, clean and spots. 19. Create blonde highlights. 20. Make a room scent slash humidifier.

21. Clean and whiten nails. 22. Cleanse your face. 23. Freshen your breath. Cleanse this face. 24. Treat flaky dandruff.

Specifically. 25. Get rid of tough stains on marble. 24. Treat flaky dandruff. Specifically. Yeah, yeah. 25. Get rid of tough stains on marble. 26. Remove berry stains. Berries also capitalize, so that's berry from, like, down the hall. Yeah. 27. Soften dry, scaly elbows. I'm a lizard person!

28. Headaches! 29. Chills and fevers. I think causing? Causing? Yeah, that's where we're at now. 30. Diphtheria. Oh my god, it says skip the vaccine for this disease. Wow!

Skip the vaccine for the- whoa! You got the juice! 31. Vaginal hygiene. 32. Forget the mothballs. 33. Stomach health. No, no, no, no. 34. Disinfect cuts and scrapes.

No! Oh, you cut your hand, sweetie! You want some lemon juice on that? No! No! Aromachus, read the text for that one. Stop bleeding and disinfect minor cuts and scraps by pouring a few drops of lemon juice directly on the cut. You can also apply the juice with a cotton ball

and hold firmly in place for one minute. New age moms are the best moms. That'll teach you to get scrapes, you little shit. So what? So tell me about how you grew up. It's so nice to get to know you. Do you want some more lemons in your water? No, no.

35, soothe poison ivy rash. 36. Remove warts. 37. Bleach delicate fabrics. 38. Clean tarnished brash and polished chrome. 39. Replace your dry cleaner, the lazy fuck. Good read. 40. Boost laundry detergent. 41. Rid clothes of mildew.

42. Eliminate fireplace odor. 43. Neutralize cat box odor. 44. Ammonia plus lemon. 44. Deodorize a humidifier. And the most responsible one, 45. Reduce asthma symptoms.

Sure. Yeah, why not? Just shove a fucking lemon down there. You won't have breathing problems anymore. Well, that was a lemon party. That was... Thanks. That was so educational.

Just like to give a big shout out to our sponsor this week, LemonParty.com. Huge fans. We're huge fans of them. They're huge fans of us. It's really great finding out to work together. When you go to LemonParty.com, sign up with the offer code of

Crystal... Ahoy Lemon. Find out what the offer code is. Twitter.com slash Ahoy Lemon. Yeah. Okay. Ironicus. Yes? okay um ironicus yes uh it's uh you know it's it's may now at the time that we're recording this and uh and it's like summer is just on the cusp it's uh it's absurdly cold and wet where i am

but like a lemon like a lemon what that's like the perfect place to be. So I'm just ready for summer to happen. I just want to know how to deal with the horrible sun. So please help me. Well, I mean, how about some gemstone creams? All natural face cream with SPF. Put rocks on your face. That's right.

Where does it start to get good? Stone creams. Yeah, yeah. To better protect your skin, use a natural face cream, such as our Gemstone Organic Creams. These organic cosmetics are made using the Earth's finest ingredients

to help heal, soothe, and moisturize your skin. These damp, damp rocks. Not only are the ingredients 100% USDA certified organic, they are food grade edible. What? Yeah. What? Yeah.

Why? You know, when you lick your face off afterwards like a gecko? Right. You don't do that? pH balanced, alcohol free, and a healthy alternative to products laden with preservatives and synthetics. Both our

organic rose quartz cream and gold cream are made with ingredients that carry their own natural SPF, making these the perfect natural moisturizer. And honestly, these are the best moisturizer with SPF that we have found in a long time.

Sorry. Our rose quartz cream will soothe your skin and soul, even during the busiest of summer days. Handcrafted with apricot and coconut oils, this natural face cream is full of anti-aging ingredients and natural

sun protection. Coconut oil has been found to contain up to an SPF rating of 10. Guys, I hear the screaming noise in the distance. Do you hear that? I think it sounds a little bit like Victor Laszlo. Oh, no. It's really strange. If you want to protect yourself from heat, should you be using food-grade oil?

Like, coconut oil will make you delicious. Yeah. So here's my theory on this, is that these creams don't contain any of the rocks. Maybe they were just, like, the idea is that the healing aura of the rock is... No, dummy, you put the cream on the rock and you use the rock to apply it. Oh.

Whoa. The important thing here is the usage tips. When spending time under the beautiful sun this summer, keep these three tips in mind to better protect you. Number one, limit your sun exposure. Especially when wearing our cream. But what are you talking about? Hemp oil holds a spf rating of six that means i could be out in the sun for you know

a whole six minutes right if you are going to be in the sun for over two hours or during the peak hours of the day 10 a.m to 2 p.m cover up with clothing wherever you can. Fuck you! No! You know how much SPF denim has? It's a lot. So many. What about my crystal denim? Well, that's just fabulous, darling. It's comfortable,

fashionable, functional, and that's really it. The crystals do nothing. And it pinches so bad. Protect yourself by consuming more vitamin D-rich foods, which help block UV radiation, and saturated fats, which provide your skin with the strong building blocks

to stay resilient to sun damage. So I guess you're better off eating our cream. Kind of sounds like it. That's why now we're supplying a crazy straw with every single purchase. Oh. A little for the skin and a little for the mouth. Tastes great with potato chips. Like, they do spell cream like C-R-E-M-E, like marshmallow cream.

Well, you can't call it cream C-R-E-A-M unless it's actually got dairy in it. It's SPF creme fraiche. Okay, hey, Notchelle. Yes? We've learned a lot of things that can heal us from external sources, like waving rocks over ourselves or spreading creams on our faces. But what if I want to shove something into my face? Oh, wow.

Yeah, I get it. Like a turmeric smoothie to fight inflammation? See, turmeric, the bright yellow spice of the rainbow, has been used in Chinese and Indian cultures for thousands of years as a medicinal herb. It is what gives curry its beautiful golden color.

It is a natural anti-inflammatory, which is extremely important for our bodies. Inflammation helps the body fight foreign invaders, such as bacteria, and also plays a large role in repairing any damage in our bodies. It is full of antioxidants and extremely healthy. However, it is not a very easy ingredient to incorporate into our everyday diets.

Today, we came across a recipe in MindBodyGreen for an inflammation fighting golden turmeric smoothie and just had to share it with you. It's healthy, dairy free, and can be enjoyed at any time during the day. Make this delicious smoothie

in less than five minutes and enjoy the beneficial effects of turmeric all day long. Can we have everything red in Nutshell's Coachella voice? Okay, so you take a cup of unsweetened plain coconut milk or you can substitute almond,

hemp, or rice milk as well. And then three to four ice cubes. They have to be gluten-free ice cubes. It's really important. Fred cubes. One half teaspoon organic turmeric powder. One teaspoon organic coconut oil because you can never get enough coconut oil.

Why am I putting a whole bunch of coconut oil in my smoothie? Because it's good for you. Because we're out of peanut oil, obviously. That way it can double as a skin cream. It's for lubrication, okay? It makes it go down smoothly. Generous dash of vanilla, coconut sugar, maple syrup to taste, and a dash of cinnamon or nutmeg.

So you take all the ingredients and you put them into a blender, and then you add the ice and you blend it high for 10 to 20 seconds until thoroughly mixed and the ice has been completely crushed. And then you pour into your favorite cup and sprinkle their favorite spices for an extra kick.

And then you enjoy! This is just fucking turmeric. Great recipe. I replaced the coconut oil with crystals and the turmeric with crystals, and it came out great. Thanks. Five stars. I like to serve this at brunch with just a little bit of vodka in it.

It's so good. Europe tore the world apart to get the ingredients for this smoothie. All right? Just keep that in mind. Okay. Okay, so that was the Energy Muse blog. It's now time to move into the shop. It looks like most of these links are actually broken, so we're going to have to go straight from the dock on this one.

Well, their website was under psychic attack. They took the rose water and they poured it on the surface. Yeah, I was going to say, she dumped some apple cider vinegar into her computer. I woke my website up and told them it was under attack. My God, it's Mercury Retrocade. Get in the bathtub. Hey, Frank West. That's me. Tell us about the affluence wrap. The affluence wrap.

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We'll sell it to you for a lot of money if you want. Go get us some cubic zirconium. Pyrite is known to remedy a financial hardship and will help you attract abundance. It encourages you to remedy a financial hardship and will help you attract abundance. It encourages you to make wise financial decisions and guides you towards taking action on the correct path. It also helps to release any fears that may be in your way of achieving success and greatness. The correct path is buying terrible jewelry from the energy muse shop.

Pyrite also increases your willpower and motivation, providing you with the energy to seek opportunities that will bring you success. It also helps you realize that even the smallest of opportunities can bring great success and fulfillment. Affirmation. I am lucky and abundant. I attract success

and abundance. So I found that this product actually still exists on the site. It's just the old link didn't work anymore. So it's just like a shitty bracelet with a bunch of jagged chunks of pyrite in it that they sell for $70. God, that's fucking ugly. But before we move on from this, Franklis, tell us how to use this bracelet. How to use?

To activate your Affluence wrap piece, sit quietly, holding your piece in both hands. Wait, like... Yep, I'm doing it right now. Like my nine? my nine? I'm tired. Breathe in the highest white light and visualize your intention

for your piece. The stones are listening. It is now ready to wear. The Rolling Stones. For optimum results, wear your piece for 10 to 21 days straight. It's okay to take it off at night. I won't tell. Setting instructions slash cleansing.

Setting your intention. Okay. Yeah, no, go ahead. Okay. To activate your own energy muse piece, sit quietly, holding the stones in both of your hands. Breathe in the highest white light, and then visualize your intention for the jewelry. What? You may also say your intention-

I intend to wear you. Like put a light bulb in my mouth? You not already have the light bulb in your mouth? That's like step one. What do you think Uncle Fester was doing all that time? Yeah, the sacred Uncle Fester technique. The stones are listening and ready to carry your intention. The stones are always

listening. And your piece is now ready to wear. Cleansing your jewelry. Your gemstones will work best when they are cleared and cleansed. So cleanse and activate them often. Here are recommended ways to cleanse your jewelry. One,

place your jewelry on the soil or branches of a healthy health plant for 24 hours. The best way to clean your jewelry? Dirt. I have to wear it for 10 to 21 days, but I have to put it on a house plant for 24 hours.

So I have to sit on my plant for a day. Yes. Or you could place your jewelry outside under the sun or full moon for at least four hours. Don't worry, nobody will try to steal it. Steadily hold your jewelry

in the smoke of a burning sage stick or Palo Santo stick until your piece becomes still. It may make some twitching gestures and shrieking noises at first, but after you've held it in the smoke for a little while... Are you done? Are you done?

Lay your jewelry on a piece of selenite or quartz crystal for at least six hours. But then how do you cleanse the selenite or quartz crystal? Well, we'll have to send another fucking crystal for that, won't we? I don't know why she cleansed the fly. Perhaps she'll die die Hey, come quiet

Hello! You've got a You've got like an affordable And reasonable product for us Yes, I do Do you like prosperity? Well I do

Well, your neck doesn't Cause you don't have a prosperity necklace. Yeah. Prosperity.abundance.luck. Since ancient times, the combination of jade and three Chinese coins tied with red string has been used to encourage prosperity in all areas of your life. Our prosperity is a wearable version of this feng shui formula and is the original energy muse piece. So their whole story started they're like what if we strap some fucking

coins on a bracelet and then sold it for $150. Well and they're from mystical China where nobody uses cell phones. You better act now there's only three left. We are. To be truly prosperous phones. You better act now. There's only three left. We are. To be truly prosperous,

one must live in a state of joyous expectancy. I don't know which state has the highest birth rate. The Prosperity Necklace encourages prosperity. Ha! Abundance and luck in all areas of your life.

Since ancient times, jade has been valued as a healing gemstone that attracts wisdom, prosperity, and harmony. It is considered a powerful lucky charm, helping you to attain your goals and attract new opportunities. Jade is an earth element gemstone that promotes the flow of money and abundance into its wearer's life. The three Chinese coins are tied together with red string, which is a feng shui tool to bring wealth. Red is an extremely auspicious color. The authentic Chinese coin is an ancient and powerful manifesting tool for attracting wealth, luck, and endless opportunity. The Prosperity Necklace is the original Energy Muse piece that prompted the start of our company. Fourteen years ago, Heather made ten of these necklaces, giving one

to each of ten friends. She requested that they wear them for forty days straight and then tell her of the experience while wearing it. With an overwhelmingly

positive response, it prompted the birth of Energy News Jewelry. Yeah, yeah, it was really good. I liked the necklace. Yeah. Ah! Hey, I've got a review for this. My name's ZJ. And Healing and Beautiful Green. Five out of five stars.

I got this necklace over six months ago and cannot say how light, beautiful, colorful, and amazing this piece is. I love Energy Muse Greens. They are healing, easy on your skin, and simply beautiful. I would highly recommend this piece for those with an eye for beautiful greens. Yeah, I take it to the farmer's market all the time. I get the best stuff. Yeah, and now we're going to move on to... Oh, excuse me.

I have a review for the Good Fortune necklace, which is the same necklace, but with only one piece of jade. And my name is Jason brought me luck 5 out of 5 stars I'm not trying to be superstitious as soon as I received it and wore it for couples of days I had a date

but only lasted for 2 days and she dumped me so sad. Nonetheless, it's a nice necklace, and I wore it to work every day and hid it under my dress shirt. Way to go, Jason. Thanks, Jason. Thanks, Jason.

Let's move on to the Energy Muse testimonials. These are the customers that have found really great experiences of using the products and information from this this wonderful site with a lot of clear and helpful uh actual working legitimate information and shit um ironicus is or should i say christine cuba oh my in 2006 i had been trying for over a year to get pregnant i wasn't going through fertility or anything like that but we were actively tracking and trying to get pregnant i was becoming discouraged i had seen an ad for energy muse jewelry in a magazine i was reading and decide to check it out. When I went to your

website, I was drawn to the guardian angel necklace. I purchased the necklace immediately. When I received the necklace, I meditated as instructed on my desire to conceive a child. I wore the necklace every day. The very next month, I learned that I was pregnant. I continued to wear the necklace throughout my pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby girl. I wore the necklace for a little longer, but within a month's time, the necklace broke. And my child was gone. I kept it for some time and then decided to send it back for repair. I think I did send it back and received a repaired necklace.

No idea for sure. The funny thing is that now it is gone. I cannot find it. I have been going through a difficult time and I thought that I would meditate and leverage the necklace again, but I cannot find it. I believe that it served its purpose and is now gone. I do wear different necklaces now. My daughter gave me one I wear most days, but have ordered the guardian angel bracelet Along with a few other items And hope to meditate and leverage the energy again Maybe your angel just wants you to say

Thank you, huh? Think about it So the guardian angel necklace Got you pregnant Yes, Christine Mary Cuba Yes you pregnant. I don't think I want a necklace like that. Yes. Hello, my name is Christina Murphy.

I am constantly chanting I honor my true voice. I just adore and believe in my voice bracelet. I'm not taking it off until it falls off. That's me, Christina Murphy.

Nutshell, Shannon Gallagher. My grounding bracelet has been immensely helpful in helping me to attain peace while I, as a teacher, undertook the great challenge of creating a brand new curriculum this year. For a school at which I am the newbie, stressful! The Freedom Necklace will help me to continue to exercise my creativity at work while also striving to achieve personal freedom for my goals in life outside of work. Thank you for the inspiration, Shannon Gallagher. Shannon Gallagher Hi I'm Carol Garitana I received my

wonderful energy muse power bracelet yesterday which I used to morph into my special lion form I am amazed at the quality and beauty of this item I want to thank PETA for partnering with animal lovers that are also

creative artists you You don't know which one of those sentences is fake. You can't prove it. I am wearing this bracelet now, and it not only reminds me of animals, but of the fact that people working together can bring about change and make this a better

world. Bike racing is dangerous. We're out there going 30 to 60 miles per hour wearing nothing but thin lycra and styrofoam helmet. But to be successful in the sport... I have a whole bicycle seat, but I only need the edge. To be successful in the sport, you have to be able to push aside the apprehension of crashing. Just go

for it. My Energy Muse Guardian Angel Necklace gives me peace of mind. I feel its weight around my neck while I race and it reminds me to stay calm and relaxed, to think positive, and to expect that things will go well for me. Since I bought it last fall, I've raced a lot and haven't crashed once.

It reminds me that I've got guardian angels watching me all the time, protecting me. And got me pregnant. Sorry. Yeah. Megan Hotman, professional cyclist. Boom. And let's bring one last one last question

one last very important question that needs to be asked and answered and Ironicus would you do us the favor of letting us know whether or not crystals

really work this is what it comes down to at the end of the day isn't it let's all just calm down take a minute join hands

and ask do healing crystals really work while we look at this ridiculous cave picture? Oh, I know the answer to this one. Pick me. These are the most fucking healed people in the world. These people were dead before they got put in this room. This is the Green Party's healthcare plan, actually. Right here. Oh, God.

Do crystals really work? This is a question that I get asked almost every day here at Energy Muse, so shut the fuck up. Lay off. There is much debate regarding this question, as scientists say there is no hard proof to show that they do. However. Scientists.

However. Every ancient civilization has utilized crystals in a vast variety of ways, from healing to offerings to protective talismans. And as we all know, they're still around, so there you have it. And Quartz Crystal has been on this Earth since the beginning of time. This Earth hasn't been here since the beginning of time, but okay. Silicon has its own very large group of minerals known as silicates.

Over 90% of Earth's crust is composed of silicate minerals. Of that, about 46.6% oxygen and 27.7% silicon, making silicon and oxygen the two most common elements in the crust. When these two elements combine, they form silicon dioxide. Pure silicon dioxide is known as mineral quartz or quartz crystal, which makes up 12% of the Earth's crust. Quartz is the most common form of silicon dioxide. I find it very hard to believe that a major mineral component of the Earth's crust would hold no scientific value to the people who live on it.

Nobody, okay, all right. scientific value to the people who live on it. Nobody Okay. Look, there's just so much of it. It must be medicine. Why doesn't science That's why I eat dirt. Why doesn't science care about sand? I only bathe

by rubbing myself with sand you know it works oh my god what i'm made of carbon why are carbon emissions bad quartz crystal is used in just about every type of modern technology electronics timekeeping, information storage, and laser devices, just to name a few. Notice I didn't mention medicine. Crystal technology is beginning to help transform information and knowledge in new ways.

If crystals have the ability to transform the energy of how we communicate through computer chips, then why are we questioning their ability to transform energy in other ways? Can our intention of thought work with a crystal to transform our lives on a subtle vibrational level. I just rolled my eyes so hard they went all the way around. I have a crystal for that. Okay, Ironicus, I want you to read just nothing but the first

seven words of the next paragraph and then listeners know that there's like 300 more words in that paragraph but we're going to move on from that to the following one. A famous scientist from IBM, Marcel Vogel. Next.

Albert Einstein said that everything in life is vibration. That is what Albert Einstein said. Everything in life is a vibration. What is he going for? Sound is a vibration and Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is he going for? Sound is a vibration, and so are your thoughts. Everything that manifests in your life is there because it matches the vibration of your thoughts. That, no. No, that's not.

No. What's this? Yeah, that's why I have this constant ringing in my ears, right? Right? That's the sound of my thoughts? That's known as the theory of very special relativity. When I am asked, do crystals really work? I say, they do for me. They make me happy when I look at them.

I place them all over my home to remind me that the beauty of Mother Nature surrounds me and to always be grateful. Crystals help me stay grounded when I hold them in my hands and breathe. I personally love wearing jewelry made with the energy of the Earth as a tool to reconnect myself to its energy. For me, it's not a placebo effect.

It's not in my head. It is a feeling. That's the placebo effect. It's in my chakras, not my head. Get it straight. A feeling that feels good. I have worked with crystals and gemstones for over 25 years and will continue to do so. with crystals and gemstones for over 25 years and will continue to do so.

Using the healing power of crystals as a tool for empowerment, balance, and enlightenment is a personal art form. The universe is vast and is imbued with spirit and energy not yet completely understood by the human mind. If you believe and feel that crystals will help you on an energetic and vibrational level, they most certainly will. But if the vibration of your thoughts is saying, no, it won't work since science has not proven it, then you are correct.

They probably won't work for you. What's up? If the thoughts in our mind create our reality and quartz crystal has the ability to amplify and magnify those thoughts Those are two really big ifs Then always be conscious

that your thoughts are the place you aspire to be in, Superman My imagination forms a perfect trap, you will never escape it, you are dead now, last son of Krypton At every moment we have the ability to choose our own thoughts. If we learn how to train our mind through meditation, breath, movement,

and the endless other techniques available to us today, we can overcome the endless chatter of the mind. Some minds can use a little more chatter to be fair. My personal journey with the energy of the earth has been one of patience. Working with the healing power of crystals takes time. I often think that it is in fact the main message of the gemstone. Sit, breathe, connect, and listen. It's a slow process, one that requires an awareness of oneself.

The journey within takes time, and each day is different. Each one of us is here on this earth to learn, grow, and evolve. We are very similar to science in many ways. What? What? Not everything has been discovered about ourselves there are many things that still remain a mystery waiting to be unearthed i mean it it's true my mind is is most like uh cosmology because there's so much empty space hey and and just so you know you don't think that the author

of this the nameless author of everything on here. Oh, it's written by Heather Askinosie. Heather Askinosie. Oh, there you go. But Heather was kind enough to provide sources for whatever was written here. So what are the sources for this? Oh, well, the photo credit is, of course, National Geographic, but the sources are biocrystals and Sendatlus.

Sendatlus. Sendatlus. That also gives a 404 error. So thank you for writing this, Heather. You tried to explain, but I will have to ask Inozi, whoever that is. Guys, if you go to the Biocrystal Technologies main page, they've got a countdown to a complete game-changing BioCrystal in just 10 days.

Oh, my God. What? Don't miss it. So, yeah, everybody, you've heard of your first probably May the 16th. There will be a game-changing BioCrystal that I'm surely... If we haven't put this episode out by then, you will have all heard about it. I mean, I'm sure you're all already watching the

InterZim streams as the information comes out. Right, right. I'm fucking hooked into their API. I got live alerts. It's set up to my fucking Fitbit. I'm ready to fucking go, man. Yeah, this will be like the release of the segue all over again.

Amy Adams is trying to figure out the BioCrystal's language right now. I know I said we were going to wrap up with that, but the Heavenator and Lizbiathon took an interesting approach and gave us the about page for this site at the very end of the document. So, I'm just going to

read the mission statement for Energy Muse. Our mission is to educate and reconnect the world to the ancient wisdom and healing properties of crystals. Energy Muse is a conscious lifestyle brand providing tools of empowerment, inspiration, and hope

in the form of jewelry. Each piece combines crystal energy and intention to create the desired outcome. Okay. as a tool to help you tap into your inner power and manifest your desires. The time to change the world is now. It is up to each and every one of us. We are the people we've been waiting for. We are? And then I'm just going to read some bullshit about the two creators and their background in Feng Shui and crystal studies, but I'm going to skip down to what makes our jewelry different?

Handcrafted in the USA, all our gemstone jewelry is cleansed, balanced, and activated in a sacred healing environment for 48 hours. Oh, it comes pre-dirted. That's great. Pre-undirted. Oh, it comes pre-dirted. That's great. Pre-undirted.

Oh, no. You got to put it in the plant dirt. Yeah. Yeah, obviously. Of course. The room vibrates with sacred geometry, sound, and light. The clasp of your energy muse jewelry represents an expanded global consciousness and peaceful harmony. Quartz crystals are included on both sides

of the clasp to constantly purify and activate the gemstones. Our packaging also includes a scroll that outlines the spiritual characteristics of the gemstones and an affirmation to help guide you towards an intention. So now with that knowledge,

F+, what did we learn tonight? It's not enough to like pretty shiny rocks. They have to do shit, too. Yeah. I should stop jerking off on ordinary rocks and start jerking off on these crystals. That's right. What kind of rocks have you been jerking off on so far?

You know, whatever I can get out of my neighbor's front doors. Front doors? It's important. The rocks near the doors, because they step on them, and then I smell them. Do you live in a castle? He exposes their secret keys. That's right. I learned that there are some people who wear their sock wood with their sandalwood.

Wow. Yeah. I learned nothing. Cause I already knew all of this. That's what we like to keep you around. You're, you're like a cleansing presence for us. You're like our,

uh, blue courts or something from everything quartz jesus from everything we read you would think that like this would be just awfully formatted and just full of of uh editing errors and just like stream of consciousness stuff and no like these are entrepreneurial ants who never really settle down and just really want to live near the ocean. And scream at their children that they're being attacked. Well, there is that, yeah. They successfully paid for someone to do

an overdeveloped WordPress site, but it's functional, I guess. So, they're giving that. Good for you, ants. It's so, like, mainstream. Like, it's banal how ridiculous this is. I'm saying Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop. Oh, you can, there's a link that will take you,

you can see store locations, and it takes you to a Google Maps thing thing. There's one located in Long Beach, Los Angeles, and the other one's located in San Diego. And as such, there's also a link showing who's wearing Energy Muse and lots of celebrities wearing ridiculous necklaces

of rocks. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Lena Dunham! We got Britney Spears We got Phil Jackson Jason Mraz Yeah We got Celine Dion

We got Ryan Seacrest We got Kenny Loggins This is basically vaping but you don't need lungs You probably do need lungs You don't need lungs where we're going. Guys from viewers, please don't remove your lungs. You do need them. I don't know.

I think the crystals could take care of you if you just believe in them enough. Did you know how much silicon there is in the Earth's crust? Let me... And if you need an excuse to be spiritually cleansed, you should stop by a ball pit first. First? Like before the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. and if you need an excuse to be spiritually cleansed, you should stop by ball pit first. First, like before the,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop by ball pit, then get spiritually cleansed. Cause you're going to need it. Uh, the website for that is B a L L P.

Dot. I T uh, ironicus, where can people find you? Oh, holy shit. Uh, you can find,

well, start with, yeah, exactly. Uh, you can find let's play stuff at shipandironicus.com. You can hear a biweekly history podcast at History Honeys on iTunes and et cetera. Or Sex Archie, where my wife and I recap every episode of Riverdale because it's the best fucking nutcase of a show.

And I love it. I cannot handle that. It's so good. Fucking Jughead. handle that. It's so good. Fucking Jughead. And Six Feets Under, that's F-E-A-T-S dot com for

a tabletop actual play show that's shaping up really good right now. We're making some great stuff there. Awesome. Yeah, check out all those and we'll catch you later. Go get some rocks. Go get some rocks. Bye. Bye. Here am I, holdin' last with a golden view. Lookin' for hope and I hope it's you.

Splittin' my heart crack right in two. The pleasure of pain and joy to purify. Our misfit ways and magnify our crystal days. Oh, he's not even listening anymore. Never mind. Oh, he's gone. I shouldn't be shit-talking him. At least not when he's not here to hear it.

I can shit-talk him whenever I want. Fuck that guy. God damn it. Fucking Lemon. Put this in the episode. Lemon, you fucking blow. We're tired of you. We're done. We did an episode without you. We didn't. God damn it. Fucking Lemon. Put this in the episode. Lemon, you fucking blow. We're tired of you. We're done. We did an episode without you. We didn't...

It was fine. It was probably better. I'm done with you, Lemon. You didn't even cure my diphtheria? This is my... Yeah, who will soothe his cuts now when he hears this? I'm going to pour myself into my wound. Thank you.