The F Plus - 258: Do Not Pass Go

Episode Date: July 28, 2017

The creators and visionaries over at The Game Crafter have some innovative new board and card games to sell you, and they're not hampered by such trivialities as marketability, distribution, is this game any good, and am I a cretin with an axe to grind about feminism and letting that motivate every aspect about myself. Yeah, it's those kind of games. This week, Joey likes.

TIME TO EFF THE GAME! This is the F+, Terrible Things, Red with Enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Rangier. Colorful wrestlers, make up wrestling moves while learning color combinations. Stog! The last person to get rid of all their resource cards becomes the beer bitch. Jimmy Franks. The JFK assassination card game is played with a standard poker deck

that is modified to show the prime suspects in the conspiracy to kill President John F. Kennedy. John, tell us. Rip It is a game about farting. Players will eat food, sit near a friend, and roll to fart on them. No! Achilles Heelies! Warning! Not for those who haven't taken their chill pill this morning.

And Lemon. The object of the game is to score more points than your opponent. Yay! Innovative, innovative. This is why you need to support the indies for this kind of innovation. That full sale scholarship is paying for itself. Hey, F-Less. Hello.

Hi, Lemon. Hey, would youBless. Hello. Hi, Lemon. Hey, would you consider yourselves gamers? Yes, always. Yes, actually. Okay. Achilles, what kind of games do you enjoy? Only the hardest RPGs. Very good.

Very good. You like a nice brutal roguelike? Are you more of a bullet hell kind of guy? If you can finish it in an hour, it's for nerds. It's called the Ansi type. I only stream Souls games and Souls-like games.

Very good. Well, I'm going to like, comment, and subscribe. What a casual. What a casual. Well, uh, you're all nerds. You knew that. But we're not talking about video games, you fucking cretins. That's not what we want to talk about today.

So I have a document that was recently given. The next eight hours, we're going to be playing Twilight Imperium. No, you're going to be playing Twilight Imperium. No, you're going to be playing Twilight Imperium. I am out. Goodbye, fucko. I don't even know what that is. That's fine. Keep it that way.

We are going to be reading a document provided to us by Spooks, and it is called Cards for Sale, a Terrible tabletop games acquired for exorbitant amounts of cash. Can I just say that's a great title for the doc? Yeah. So we're going to be visiting, we're going to be spending our hour here on a site called The Game

Crafter. The Game Crafter looks like a sort of workshop website where you can sort of design and build board games. Sure. And then sell those board games to people who will be interested in such a thing. So let's start off, Boots, let's start off with something called Porn the Game. Sure.

So here's the link for Porn the Game. Sure. So here's the link for Porn the Game and what are some of the slogans that Porn the Game uses to advertise itself? Sure. Gangbang a friend. Avoid the tentacle monster. What's that kind of porn?

Don't get crabs. There's a lot of elements in this one already, and I'm just overwhelmed. All of those elements are just the censored bar. Yeah, where everyone gets the beep. Oh, yeah. Because we needed to censor that. Although they sort of censored it.

Yep, yep. Well, explain to me the game, please. Sure. Porn the game. Registered trademark. Simple, raunchy, fun. Has hilarious and well-executed graphics that look straight into the golden age of

sexploitation. Graphics, huh? And then hyphen Penthouse magazine. So that was Penthouse's review. Maybe. You know it's bad when the nicest thing anybody can say about your game is like, oh, the box looks nice. The box looks nice, especially my trash can.

That quote isn't saying it looks nice. It looks like old porn. Disclaimer. Game contains graphic material, which some may find offensive. Only purchase if you consent to view adult content and are of legal age. Drinking rules.

Optional and only for those of legal drinking age. This is one of those board games that like a hand comes out of the box like you must drink. The game lights itself on fire but detects underage drinking. Uh, sorry. The game lights itself on fire but detects underage drinking. Yeah, the game's like those instructions an inspector gadget gets.

Sorry, I haven't really been saying the name of the game correctly. It's Porn the Game! For kids! No, wait, not for kids. Not for kids. No, no, no, no. Bad. Going to jail wait don't

porn the game is an homage to the history and beauty of vintage smut an era before the internet where cd shops and dirty theaters were where the pervs got their kicks vhs tapes glory holes donkey shows and orgies. What? What? What's in the box? You remember before the internet when women fucked donkeys like proper ladies? Those were the days. Those were the days. Gone now.

Boy. How much is your game there, Boots? It's $19.99. Awesome. Hey, Mr. John Sost. Yes. Your name is Van Lurker. And what did you think of this game, Van? I'm Van Lurker.

You love being at the Walmarts, don't you? I'm right behind you. I love this game so much. I got this game because I collect everything having to do with retro porn. Oh god. Including some of the actors. I think your name

should be Van Liver. But I ended up playing it with a group one night. But it was so much fun. I knew it would be good for a laugh, but this pairs so well with some good ale, wine, and some company.

Merry meet, traveler. I've brought porn the game. Smiley face. Yays. Ah, how I long for the day with giant bushes and cone boobies. Afros on dudes and long sideburns. Retro porn, baby. So much fun.

Get this game for yourself, and as a gift, I got three of them to hand out. Can you tell me the check marks you have? There's, I guess, sort of like a rating or like a bunch of flags you identify yourself when you review it? Oh, yes, of course. I got a bunch of green check marks.

Own it. Played it. Fun. Priced well. High replay value. Well-written rules. Nice artwork. Five stars.

Can I tell you about the accolades that this game has received? Oh, I don't know. Can you? Okay. It's an adamantium seller. It's a dilithium seller. It's an unantium cellar. It's a dilithium cellar. It's an unobtainium cellar. It's a mithril cellar. It's a tachyon cellar. It's a tiberium cellar.

Stop it. It's a redstone. Stop it. I'm a huge fucking nerd, and I already feel really, really nerded out by... Well then, Stog, make way for Spanky Spangler, please.

Oh. Hi, everybody. Hi, it's me, Spanky Spangler. Oh, yay. You're spanking. I just got back from church and I'm here to talk about

porn, the game. Good, cool. Here are my check marks. I own it. I played it. It's fun. It's priced well. High replay value.

Well written rules and nice artwork. I like your spunk, Spanky Spangler. No, I don't like your spunk. Your spunk is poison. I think you'll see a lot of it in this game. I haven't drawn a spunk card yet. Living in cold, dark, isolated Wales, we seldom have fun. That's why I'm so chipper all the time.

Oh, this is your British accent. Yeah. Although it's a Welsh accent. Please. Please understand the difference. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm from Wales.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We are without electricity and toilets and sometimes even clothes. So imagine our sheer joy at finding this game. It is very rude. And if that offends you, well, one, don't buy it. And two, get a life, you sad sack. Huh.

Sure. Picture the scene. Several Welsh peasants in a hovel, all semi-clothed, with 27 bottles of vodka and no idea about... Sex. Throw this game into the mix and two hours later you have a load of hysterically laughing Welsh peasants pissed happy and several of them may be pregnant. Ha ha!

This is fun! It may be rude but that's the great thing about it. There are a lot of coffee cat games out there all trying to emulate the ethos of porn the game and they fail. Yeah, you're right. It's a whole genre now yeah porn card games i like i like card games that emulate finding a porn mag at the bushes outside

the house i mean to be fair i've seen a lot of like porno like decks of cards that were sold at truck stops so presumably this was the original yeah yeah and they fail because they just aren't as clever or as classy as this particular game that i feel is the key to a success it's funny it is so much fun to play even the most miserable person starts laughing after a few drinks and thrusts yeah oh i played it times now, even with members of my close family. Yes, really. Yeesh. And seeing my own Irish mother.

Ew. Aged 76. This is true. Sure. Please don't. Laugh until her false teeth fall out was incredible. I can't rate this game highly enough. If you want a damn good laugh,

10 out of 10. Fantastic. And I hope the makers bring out more cards soon. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great. My name's Matthew, parentheses, broken prism. I like this game. I gave it five stars.

I wrote a bunch of shit, but that's not important. So the website states that when you are down to one card, you have to shout boner, but it isn't on the rule cards anywhere. I'd like to see the rules clarified to make it easier. Let's start arguing about semantics. It doesn't necessarily necessarily

have to be on the rule cards itself, but potentially stated on the rule card, quote, for more detailed rules, visit the website. And then the website have the full list of cards and the details about each cards and a fact section that covers

my concern about playing the last card but do not let my concerns distract you this was a really fun time and it led to some hilarious moments for example for example remember the part where this is classy?

This is a classy game. Yeah. It's a classy game. So hilarious. For example, the tranny card was played. So guys, so guys and to talk like girls and girls to talk like guys. And then

the truth or dare card was played. So in the spirit of the game one guy parentheses talking like a girl asked another guy about his experiences with receiving butt play and the other guy talking like a girl had a hilarious response wait what what the hell butt feed you aren't this isn't a clickbait title Tell me what he said You won't believe what he says next Just say it

Man, I kind of want to register buttfeed.com Worried about what could happen there This is Captain Flanage Hey Captain Nobody leaves my apartment without playing a round or two. Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Oh, no! Hey, I'm- Nobody. I'm Van Larker. We should hang out. Nobody leaves my apartment without playing a round or two. I'm not coming over.

Yeah, whatever, nerds. This is Jojo. Yeah, what's up, Jojo? Jojo? Joey likes. Okay. All likes. Okay. Nice. Good job. Can we just pivot this website

on Jojo now? Jojo does not like. Hey, Jojo, there seems to be a problem with the jukebox. Do you think you maybe hip check it? Hey! By the way, there is an expansion pack to

pour in the game. And the game sounds really fun. I was looking at the instructions here, and one of the cards is called Tentacle Monster, and it says, play this on your next turn. Nobody wins and the game abruptly ends. Man, my 76-year-old Irish grandma would love that card.

That's true. They're really going with that vintage porn aesthetic with the tentacle monster. I don't know how many. There's so many 70s pornos with tentacle monsters. You're right, John. They should really stay true to the source material. Okay. Sorry. through the source material. Um, so... Um, okay, so... Sorry, sorry.

One last thing. Yeah, what's that? Under the description of the game, it says primary mechanic and management. That's it. Oh, God. Okay, so, Jimmy Franks, we're going to move away from this child's adventure

and into something for sophisticated adults. I'm talking about the dating deck. This is, yeah. So this is- That sounds witty and urbane. It is. So this is the dating deck. Its logo is two Ds, very cleverly.

Oh, it's the Daredevil logo. It sure is. Nice. Cool. That's Marvel Comics uh licensed property that's great it actually is exactly the daredevil logo this episode brought to you by marvel comics okay so uh the dating deck the perfect card game to bring on a date and start various discussions oh no don't bring this on a date. Ah.

Be the story she'll tell her friends the next day. You won't believe what this guy brought out on my date. Hey, do you want to play Settlers of Catan? Oh, God. This guy just dumped, like, 12 cards on top of my filet mignon, and he just said, we're playing this fucking video game, and we're not leaving until we're done. You know, if that's the guy's

ability to socialize and this game's the game for him. There's 162 cards with various topics of discussion. Wow, this is a long date. I'm a little confused, not to skip ahead, but the requirements it takes

less than two hours to play. No, it's greater than. No, it's going to take you two hours to play. No, it's greater than. Oh, good. No, it's going to take you two hours, Jimmy. Yeah, it's greater than 120 minutes to play. Oh, is it greater? Greater than 120 minutes. The only reason it does not say infinity,

because eventually you get kicked out of the restaurant. Break your piss club. It's going to be a long game. Can we have more water with lemon please That's when you finish it by yourself What kind of confuses me and makes me nervous Is that it requires 2 to 10 players This is a good date

Way to be ambitious there Me, my date, my parole officer And the entire police department I guess The dating deck the perfect card game to bring on a date and start various discussions

162 cards with various topics of discussion there's six category of cards serious vary from normal questions to deep thinking questions

funny have a light hearted feel to them sensual everything related to sex and preference. Physical. Will allow you to interact more physically with your partner.

These are the cards that get me arrested. So they just think that word is wit, huh? I think they're talking about a guy named Wit. Wit. Wit's your partner. Game. Little games you can play only by speaking. What the fuck are we already doing?

I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. Yeah, like how many people can we spread the Pontypool virus to in this fucking restaurant? And a situation putting you into a situation with a

choice to do. With a choice to do. With a choice to do. The rules choice to do. With a choice to do. Apples and pears. Start talking enough to introduce the game then simply pick a card one after another. Holy crap. Holy

crap. Alternate title cards against sexuality. Hey, Jimmy Franks, I have a really important question. Uh-huh, yeah. What is talking? Oh, glad you asked, Emmett.

Talking is simply asking, answering, and developing. Does your game have any cool factors? Oh, does it? Let me tell you. Cool factors. Don't worry about what to talk about. Be interesting and deep in various conversation right away.

And be prepared for all kind of situations. Hey, Jimmy Franks. Note, this game does not come with packaging. Oh, great. Say there was another game that I liked that would relate to this one what might that game be? if you like Trivial Pursuit you'll love Dating Deck

so cool so Achilles if I'm on a date here and I bring the dating deck with me to help me with my dating because we both like Trivial Pursuit what sort of exciting questions oh you know you know what, let's pretend! Okay, so, so, uh, so Achilles, you're on a date here with Boots. Yeah.

And, uh, why don't you, uh, why don't you start playing the game with him? So, hey girl. Yes! Hey wit. Which- Hey wit. So yeah, uh, which part of the body are you the most attracted to? The anatomical idea of a body?

Yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool, yeah. All right, well, hey. Compare your hand size with his slash her hand. That must be a physical challenge. Your hand's bigger than mine. That's weird. That's so sexy. That's right. Can I play a round with toast?

This is just like Trivial Pursuit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go ahead and play a round of toast. All right. How many chins can you get if you squish your face? Oh, man. Oh. At least one?

So just so you know, this game has one review. And it's by Steven Hammo with a V. Also, this game is brought to you by Stevens Games. Hmm. Collusion. Hi, my name's Steven. I'm from Stevens Games.

I like the game so much I bought the company and named it after me. Steven. Hey, Stog, I want to give you my opening line that I like to bring in a lot of dates. Uh-huh. Hey, girl. In order of priority, chose...

Oops. Oh, shit, the thing already moved. Okay. In order of priority, chose three of the following choice. Yes? Going out with friends, relax by yourself, work on your project, spend some time with your family, do some sport, help your mother, spend some time with your boyfriend, go to work to spend some money. Choose three! Choose three! Choose three of them right now!

Doctor? Doctor? You're picking up the tab, right? Doctor, doctor. You're picking up the tab, right? So that was cool. So that section that Spooks brought to us, the section was called Party, Party, Party, Party. Party. Yay.

You know, before we move on, I feel like we glossed over the fact where it says this game does not come with packaging. Yeah. Like a dirty Ziploc bag. It's like full of a bunch of cards. Honestly, I'm not sure. I mean, I hope I hope we'll find out later, but I feel like this game will actually just like.

You just give me a PDF. I think you get a PDF. You prove yourself, Jimmy. You print your fucking self. I think you get a PDF. You print your fucking self, Jimmy. See, I pictured like just a grocery bag tied up, like a plastic grocery bag tied up, and it's just got like a stamp on it.

And that's what you get in the mail. Full of cards. The only thing it comes with is my fucking baggage. So... Oh. Hey, Jimmy, Frank, I think we need a bit of an icebreaker here. So here, you start by saying a word, then your partner says one, and Franks, I think we need a bit of an icebreaker here. So here, you start by saying a word,

then your partner says one, and so forth, until the phrase don't make any sense or conclude. I think you just finished. You win! So yeah, I know how that'll go. Okay, I'm going to start. I'm leaving. Wait, where are you going? Shit, I should have given him an opening.

It made sense, but it did conclude. Yeah. So the party, party, party, party section also includes the game's fucked up, drink, and plant it. But section two. I'm sorry. That is not fucked up. Oh, it's called fucked up. It's called fucked up.

But that was section one And, uh, that's the easy shit That's the lame shit We're gonna go to section two, which is called Here Comes the Fetish Tsunami Oh, God Yay! So, to that end, uh, Stog, why don't you tell me about the game called Fur Pile

Yay! Fur Pile, Fur Pile. Fur Pile. Hey, Stog, what's the object of Fur Pile? The object of Fur Pile is like real life to get the hookup. But like real life,

this is easier said than done. Did I mention this is adults only because we've got sex bots in here And you don't want kids near those sex bots No, you don't actually want kids near sex bots They'll get their fucking greasy fingerprints all over them Gotta wash your sex bots

Throughout the game Players match up beautiful young furry femmes With appropriate partners and toys To ensure they have a good evening of fun. Every girl's needs, partners and toys, must be met, and the winner of

each set is the player who completes the set, leaving no need unfilled. I've solved it. The dog lady with the dildo in the observatory. I challenge. My dog has something to say, Agent Cooper. I'd open this envelope, but it's all stuck together.

A winning set, including girls and toys, is placed in that player's victory pile. When sunrise comes, the player with the most cards in their victory pile wins the game. Do they really? Designed by Roland Guiscard and featuring easy-to-learn rules, quick gameplay, and exclusive artwork from furry artists Cat Wolf and Endin. Gameplay and exclusive artwork from furry artists Cat Wolf and Endin. Brought to you by the fine folks at Furry Dakimakura. Our next game is called Cthentacle Deluxe.

Wait, what? Oh, no. What? Oh, no. Boots. That's really clever. Oh, I see. Boots, this's really clever. Oh, I see. Boots, this game is called Cthentacle Deluxe.

It's from Postmortem Studio. Call of Cthentacle. Why isn't it the Cthal of Cthentacle? That's a good question. The subtitle is Cthulhu, tentacles, filth. Somewhere in the dark, dank, cyclopean, and other long words, depth of the sea. Great Cthulhu lies dreaming, and when he wakes up, he's going to have an eon's worth of mourning wood to work off. You are adventurous heroines who are, futilely,

going to try and placate the great tentacled beastie before he destroys the world in sheer sexual frustration. I don't think that's true to the source material. Frustration. I don't think that's true to the source material. I don't remember Cthulhu just being a big old fat pervert. Coming into the Mouth of Madness. Why is Cthulhu so angry? Why doesn't he just jerk off like everybody else does? In and out and in and out of the Mouth of Madness.

Oh, there it is. There it is. Well played. Cthentacle is a fast-paced card game derived from our other card game, Hentacle. Oh, dear. Oh, god damn it. Cthentacle has simplified streamlined rules and is designed to be played more directly against one another

as with the Hentacle supplement for slash play you know it's like it's like a little kid that knows a bunch of swear words but he doesn't really know what they mean. Caution! Caution!

Sound of a klaxon. Yeah. Authentical is a deeply, deeply adult game. I get that. No, it isn't. Judging by your drawings, no, a dog was never involved in this. Nor a woman, nor somebody

that's ever seen a woman's butt. I'm not mucking around here. This is depraved, filthy comedy that you should feel deeply ashamed about buying. It's not even remotely for minors or anyone

under the age of 18. Neither of those categories. What are the components of your game? $35 fucking dollars? There's a document. There's a jumbo deck, which contains 12 cards.

That's a lot of cards. That's jumbo. There's a tarot deck, which contains 116 cards. There's a largeot deck which contains 116 cards. Okay. There's a large pro box top wrap and a large pro box. Ooh!

That box is pro. You should use this on a date instead of the dating game. It comes with packaging. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, there's some full-on Rob Liefeld art going on here. Yeah, I was about to say that one lady with a gun, she's got a Liefeld spine all up in that. Absolutely. Hey, Achilles, what's your game called?

Oh, hey there, everybody. Welcome to Ginos. Ooh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That's Giant Young Nymphomaniacs from outer space. Oh, it's an acronym.

That's cute. Okay, cool. Yeah, hi. Okay, great. They also kind of look like James Bond women. James Bond women in space. Clip art silhouettes in space as James Bond women in the intro

for the leftovers their masking is terrible the truck flap ladies have ascended to a higher level the truck flap ladies have achieved sentience where do you think the ancients came up with the idea for

truck flap ladies that's a good point did alien astronauts create truck Ancients! Where do you think the ancients came up with the idea for truck flap ladies? That's a good point. Did alien astronauts create truck flap ladies? Read the book. Dianetics! Next one, Andy. Ginos! I see you.

Oh god. A game for mature adults only. Rated X. Game contains strong sexual references and graphic details. They came from the skies. Our ancestors called them gods and goddess.

Giants, aliens, towering over the villages. The goddesses have returned. Their drive for sex only equated by their thirst for blood. What? Oh, sure. role of a goddess. Bid on men at the auction. Claim your prizes. Use them for sexual stimulation or drink their blood to boost your power to overpower rival goddesses.

Guys, Warhammer 40,000 is boring. Can we play this instead? Well, I mean, I agree with the first sentence, but not sure how you got here. It's going to take you 30 to 60 minutes to come. Sounds about right.

You don't know how I play board games, motherfucker. This was designed by Aubrey's Dollhouse. And judging by the photos, this game will make your dining room table look like the worst strip club in the world. Jesus. Yeah, so that section, once again, called Here Comes the Fetish Tsunami. This next section, I'm looking forward to it. I think it's going to be a real fun section to look at here. It's called Infuriating. Hey, Jimmy Franks, what's your game

called? Yeah, this is War Coach Games. Oh, hey, War Coach. Listen up. I'll tell you about my game. It's called Snowflake Rebellion. Oh, no. It's like a war in the north.

How long can the snowflakes last? Well, they usually melt away around spring. Is there like a Siberian front in World War II, and this is like a strategy game? Just shut up, you pinko. You pinko commie.

He's got a point, Boots. It's a sequel to our American Revolution 20 question mark question mark. American Revolution 20? Yeah. In this version, snowflakes and leftist groups cannot accept the outcome of the legal election. Protests, riots, and open rebellion now face you as the new president. Oh, God. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. In this solitaire game, because you bought Chicago, have any friends. Well, it's just, you know, it's me and my Pepe cut out. Daddy's playing his angry game again. One-to-one players. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You paint your patriotic forces against those of the shadow government.

Holy God. Oh my God. Holy God. No. Holy shit. Wow. Can you be the next Lincoln and make America great again? Lincoln?

Lincoln's a weird choice. Oh, man. In this guy's shoes, I would have gone with Andrew Jackson. That makes more sense. This game has zero accolades. Yeah, I wonder why. You know, I was all set to just be really infuriated about this, but the fact that it's a solitaire game just makes me so happy.

I can't hate it. I can't. I love it. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, I got a question for you, Achilles. This game, which was produced by War Coach Games, does it have any reviews? It was War Coach!

What did you think of the game? It's good for ages 12 years and up. Oh, fuck you. And just real quick, in case you want to buy it because no one's bought it yet. Right, right. This game is totally politically incorrect. And it helps end your frustration. It helps end your frustration with the daily news.

I'm currently skimming through the YouTube video of how to play Snowflake Rebellion. And? And the game contains three different decks. There's the Contested City deck. There's the Snowflake deck. And then the MAGA Make America Great Again deck. Yeah, the MAGA deck. That's cool. Ah, the MAflake deck, and then the Mega Make America Great Again deck. Yeah, the Mega deck. That's cool. Ah, the Mega Chuck deck.

It contains guys with guns. Yeah, sure it does. Well, that's, you know, that might be something we shouldn't think about that much more, so let's move on to a different game. This is called Gamergate, the card game. Oh, God! I like the sound of that!

I mean, this is the same fucking game. Hey, how's it going? I'm the guy that made the Cthulhu game! Oh, no. You don't say. Yeah! I'm Postmortem Studios. Oh, shit, I have to draw more things.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. I have to put pen to paper. This isn't gonna end well. So Gamergate, the card. So Gamergate, the card game, Gamergate, the card game, commemorates the defining culture war

of this generation by taking the piss. Oh yeah, you should take the piss and then you should drink it. Could you take it somewhere else? Gamergate, the card game, commemorates the culture war of this generation by taking the piss out of all sides oh so you're putting it in my mouth i hit the text limit on

this uh subheading oh well whatever uh so uh comics fans had frederick veram. Y'all remember that, right? Yeah, he was the guy that went in front of Congress and got horror comics banned. Cool. Okay, awesome. Tabletop Games had Pat Pulling. Sure. Amy Franks, you want to help me with that? No?

His name sounds like a jerk off. It sounds like jerking off. I'm Pat Pulling over hereking off I'm pat pulling over here I'm pulling my pat over here computer games previously had Jack Thompson now we all have to

now we now all we have to contend with are upper middle class people with blue hair buckling under crippling white guilt, fighting Trolls. Trolls? Trolls?

Trolls! Trolls! A two-player adversarial game. You'll compete with the social justice warriors. Oh, God. Trying to get away with egregious

breaches of ethics. Yeah. Fuck. God. Before Gamergate can create enough of a fuss and social pressure to expose them, all while flaming each other on Twitter, screaming for attention and being trolled hard. My God. This was a Tiberium seller.

Oh, yeah, Tiberium seller oh yeah Tiberium in recognition of a great number of sales Miss Athena Hollow gave this one star and so Grimachew gave it five stars saying just countering the sabotage above it's about ethics and board game journalism and so Grimachu gave it five stars saying, just countering the sabotage above. It's about ethics and board game journalism.

Hey, Mr. Postmortem Studios. Yes, what is it? Can I get maybe the first two cool factors about this game? Here are the first two cool factors. I meant to say two, but instead I said two.

I sometimes get extra consonants. Here are two cool factors. Number one, the current events make for giggles. Oh, God. G-g-g-g-g. G-g-g-g-g. Number two, there's stark icon-based design. Because it's much cheaper.

Buy my game, I can't draw for shit. I make shapes in paint.net, and then I sell them on a board game website. I stole this from the noun project. So cool. So there is another game called Privilege Check, but we just don't. We don't need to do another one of those. We don't need to do another one of those. So now

this section Spooks wants to give us is called Just a Fun Section Before We're Headed Back to Crap. Yay! I love fun sections. to give us is called just a fun section before we're headed back to crap. Yay! I love fun sections. So, Stog! Yes? I'm gonna give you a choice.

Okay. Would you like to read the game called Your Favorite Deck? Or would you like to read Dangerous Plants? Oh! I mean, Dangerous Plants are fun and all i mean i just i like uh i like planting a uh i like planting a hundred uh venus fly traps in my neighbor's yard but i have to go with my favorite deck right your process of your favorite well you know it's it's

a dangerous journey but we sometimes can make it so So this is your favorite deck. It's hard to not read it like this! Your favorite deck! Anyway, so... Who is this from? Sandoz Games. Oh no, I would say Cards of Loss. Anyway, so yeah, why don't you read me about the game please

your favorite deck this is your favorite deck of playing cards it is yeah that's true that's true this is your favorite deck of playing cards this is especially surprising because you don't consider yourself the type of person to even have a favorite deck of playing cards. Oh my god, this is written second person. You like games, don't you? Just look over at your gaming closet.

Gaming closet? Your gaming closet. Battered boxes of bedrock games support a shelf or two of shiny new independent titles. Hard to locate and out of print games rub shoulders with

gaming staples. What? Why are you so confused? Yeah. I got tetanus off of one of those. And what is that over there? Your only copy of a standard playing deck. Right, right.

So, Sestog, all this is is an actual deck of 52 cards with drawings on them. Can you describe some of the drawings that are there in the carousel? drawings on them can you describe some of the drawings that are there in the uh in the carousel oh it's it's there's a five of hearts and it's it's a it's a shitty tree with arrows in it and under it is a dead man that is my favorite that is my favorite thing okay what else what else uh there's a four of clubs and it's another shitty tree but there's a person hanging from a noose off of it what about what about the king of spades what's the king of spades the king of spades oh he's a special one let me find him first okay oh the king of spades he's a guy at a burger he's a 40 year old bald man in a burger king birthday crown he He's screaming. That is my favorite

deck. Hey, John Toast. Yeah? I hear you have my favorite lottery system. I do. I have my lottery system. It's my lottery system. Can I buy it from you for $60.99?

You can. A tool to be used. Hey, before you start, how many players is this for? This is for 1 to 99 players. Oh my god. Don't you dare bring a hundredth person into this game. Only 99 players get to play in this lottery system. Only those people get to be rich.

No one else. Otherwise, it's not profitable. Yeah. A tool to be used. Follow the trends and tweak or develop your own system. Play big and small lottery games. Cards take little time

to understand and make it easy to draw your own numbers. Your system when asked, you reply it's my lottery system. Try it. Gift it and share the news. Playing trends is easy with cards. Don't let the system pick their own number to sell you. One pick,

three box cards, pays for cards, and more. Period questions. Email whatthehellisthis at gmail.com Daphne's getting super lazy. What are some... Okay, what does this contain the cool factors i'm sorry i'm getting ahead of myself what are the components the components are a poker deck

one deck how many times is poker deck 85 yeah yeah it's quite a game of poker i look so it looks like a spam bot signed up for this site. And literally nobody on the site can tell the difference. We do need to hear the cool factors. Okay. Here are the cool factors. Easy to learn and adapt to your system. Like a laxative.

Lower price due to no box to hold no benefit right you're right a box is just really expensive do I have to pay more yes I'm a lottery winner on a budget

finally make cool gifts for friends and family yeah the ideal gift is... I need a gift that's pretty much the law of attraction, except I have to make it attractive to people with compulsive gambling problems. Yeah, and I just noticed... What's the primary mechanic of this game?

Oh. The primary mechanic is math and numbers. I just noticed that this is 18+, which I guess is because it's gambling. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess. No, that's responsible. It's supposed to be responsible right there.

This is what keeps the kids away. All right, all you Einsteins. I'm sick and tired of hearing about your numbers and math. I want to tell you about my board game. What's your board game called? My board game's called NewJerseyExit.com. Here's at least $20. That's right, you palookas.

New Jersey will make you lose your marbles. What? Yeah, that's right. It's a hilarious new board game that rips on New Jersey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. Forget about it. Finally, somebody's taking it to New Jersey.

Finally, somebody's broaching that controversial topic. Hey, Mr. Kukulamonza, what are you talking about New Jersey like that? Oh, yeah. All right. The object of the game is to get out of New Jersey without losing all your marbles. Ages. Ages. Ages. Taxpayer it up.

Wait, but if you're in the mob, you shouldn't pay taxes. We don't talk about that. Okay. Okay. There's no such thing as the mob anyway. Leave the game. Take the board. Take the card game.

You guaranteed to lose a few marbles and learn a lot about New Jersey I thought I wasn't supposed to what are the components of the game oh you want to know more about NewJerseyExit.com no I want to know what the components of the game are I'm stalling for time because I gotta click

on the link let me tell you about the components of my game you got it comes with one big mat yep it's a little document that like that car that road street like felt thing that everybody had as a kid yeah you know yeah it's got a document it's uh it's got a poker deck which is a deck of hundred cards right that's a poker deck all right yeah i got a three by four baggies. There's four of those. I mean, okay. I guess you could put your best somewhere.

Yeah. There's one car sporty green one. One car sporty yellow. There's one junk. There's another junk. Yeah, it's junk. It's junk. A yellow sporty car is great, but a red sporty car is junk.

I got a large pro box, wink green, wink red, wink white, and a wink yellow if you can sign right there, that'd be great. That's 100. You got 400 tiddlywinks in there. Oh, yeah, I got a lot of winks. I got 400 winks. I got all the winks in New Jersey. I read the first components as, like, the members of the mob.

Hey, we got Big Matt. We got Document. We got Pokedex. But before we go, I'm going to tell you about the cool factors. Yep. You can tell me about the cool factors. It's a great party game. Yep. And if you like New Jersey, you'll like it. Hey. if you like New Jersey, you'll like it.

Hey, uh... And if you hate New Jersey, you'll love it! Hey! Oh! Hey, gabagoo! I want to learn more about this. Can you tell me what... Can you just visit NewJerseyExit.com

and tell me some more about NewJerseyExit.com and tell me some more about NewJerseyExit.com? Yeah, it's parked at a hosting service. Hey, they told away my website. It's not a real domain. The game is just called NewJerseyExit.com. I don't expect it to be a goddamn site. Before we move on, I think it's really important we read that review there. Yeah.

Yeah, read the review, Jimmy Franks. Oh, hey, this is Joe at NewJerseyExit.com. Zero stars. I own it. The game is hilarious and fun to play, but don't listen to me. I made the damn thing. Hey. Finally, an honest salesman.

Finally, an honest salesman. Okay, so we got a little bit of time. So at least we got a little bit of time for the specific author showcase. There are two specific authors that Spooks highlights here in the document. First is called Monkey Man. that Spooks highlights here in the document. First is called Monkey Man. Monkey Man are the producers of zombie monkeys from planet Bujabunga. We don't need to read about that.

So instead, we're going to read about Zamtox Games. So Zamtox Games, they are an art company that make commercial games. They believe that in the power of art to change the world, they have chosen games as the medium to carry their message to the masses. Zamtox believes in this triple bottom line,

which is difficult because they're all in the bottom line. I don't know how there's three bottom lines. Anyway, the triple bottom line is creative distribution spurns economic growth and begets social change. You know, begets. And the effect of this triple bottom line is the dawn of creative, critical thinking, which creates the possibility of happiness for all.

All games that Xantox produces must be art. Oh, we also must break even. Must. Must be art. Okay. The definition of art at ZamTalks is, colon, an object or experience that transcends and becomes more than the sum of its parts. Okay? Okay, good.

Good. Each game must have a transcendent movement i'm sorry a transcendent moment each game must have a transcendent moment boots rain gear yes yes the first sam talks game is called till disability do us part please read the description oh Part. Please read the description. Oh, no. Yeah, read the description. Sometimes winning is losing. A dice game for two. Yeah! Art! Art! Art! Art! Art! Art!

I love art. Okay, just so you know, this game... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This game is $98.99. It sure is. It's art. Sometimes art is expensive. Boots, Rain Gear, I need to hear about more art. Please tell me about another game produced by Zamtox Games

called It's Still a Boys Club. Oh, sure. Yeah. It's Still a Boys Club. The B is a penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Logos in Helvetica, but with a Helvetica B penis. Yeah. That's a bugle penis. It's also $98.99.

It's still a boys' club. A strategy game for two. The game is played on a board which has 25 points with intersecting lines. played on a board which has 25 points with intersecting lines. Both Boys Club and Girls Club gems can be only placed on points and moves are made along

the lines. The goal of the Girls Club is to capture the Boys Club. The goal of the Boys Club is to block the Girls Club so they can't move. Play begins with a Boys club gem at any point on the board and then turns

are taken alternatively. Repeated moves are prohibited. Okay. Okay, what are the cool factors of your game? Cool factors are boys club blocks. Girls club defeats.

It's still a boys club. Congratulations, you made a shittier go. That was a transcendent moment. If you like go, you'll like this. I just feel like if I started playing this with somebody who brought this,

not that I would, but if I did, every turn they'd do it in their turn, they just stare at me and go like, Get it? You get it? Gender norms? You get it, pal? And I got one more game

from, what is it, Zardox? Zordos? Who cares? Zardox. What sort of art game do you have here? I see you've moved on. You've moved on from Helvetica to Palatino. Yeah.

I don't know. I just use whatever font's recommended to me by PowerPoint, which is what I design all my shit in. Fair enough, yeah. A strategy game for two. Yours and mine is a two-player game. To begin, one player chooses to be you, and the other player is me.

I'm going to choose to be me and not you. I'm going to choose whatever option isn't you. Sure. There's a piece in the middle of the board that signifies the problem. But we said that somebody was already you. Everybody thinks I'm the problem. You are offensive.

And I am defensive. You are offensive. Oh, God. Fuck you. Well, fuck you. You are offensive. The game can be played on any square grid with an odd number of squares. The game comes with a 7x7 and 9x9 boards.

I control a team of one blue piece signifying the problem and white defenders. You control the black offensive pieces that outnumber the red defenders. You know, the red whatever, by a ratio of 2 to 1.

Congratulations, you still made a shittier go. What the fuck is this? Fuck you. I'm always making shitty goes. Why did you go to the bathroom? It is required that each game have a shitty go moment. That's a moment where Stog

busts in and just yells, it's a shitty go. Cool factors. Who is right? You or me? Would you rather be on the defensive or offensive? Do you want to solve the problem? No, because your problem fucking sucks! Fuck.

Okay. We're going to move on to the next section. The next section, possibly, possibly the last section, is called the mandatory Tarot and McGick section. Yay! Finally! At least this one doesn't have any shitty

Go clones in it. You don't know that! Oh, God. Alright, so, John Toast, this game is called the phallomancy oracle oh have you summoned me

look deep into my penis hello let me tell you about the phallomancy oracle what my dick cast a spell Romancy Oracle. Or do I? My dick casts a spell! Magic Missile! Magic Missile! Magic Missile!

The penis never lies. Forget reading palms. Learn about a man by reading his penis. Yes, well... The game contains graphic photographic images, which some may find offensive. Only purchase if you consent to view adult content. Yes, if somebody measuring a squash

that's very graphic. That's just a disclaimer that it's got dicks in it. Okay, what is phallomancy? Yeah, that's a good question. Phallomancy is a very unusual and obscure form of body reading. Many of us are familiar with palm and face reading

these methods have long been seen as legitimate forms of divination over the centuries in various cultures believe it or not phallomancy is an authentic form of body reading with its own ancient traditions having been around for thousands of years in India, Tibet, and China.

You sure about that? Are you sure? I made a living reading Dick Selleck's Street Corner. Ha ha ha! Uh, what can Falamancy tell you? I'm so glad you asked!

Ha ha ha! Falamancy is the science and art of judging a man's character, lovemaking, style, and capability by the shape of his penis. Well, now I'm curious. The traditional forms of palmistry and face reading can reveal much about a person's sexuality and approach to sexual matches, but when it comes to matches of love and lust, nothing is as efficient, accurate,

or as straight to the point in the field of phallomancy. Okay. Okay, okay. How does one use the phallomancy oracle? Well, all you need is this deck and an open fly.

What if I'm wearing pajama pants and I don't have a fly on them? Well, then just get out of my office. Cut a hole in them. Okay, sorry. Get some scissors. I thought this was a casual workplace. You're fired from dick reading. You'll never work in dick reading again!

Simple. Take the Falamancy Oracle deck, turn the cards to the picture side, and put them in order number 1 to number 32. Hold each image up to the subject's penis. Smaller. Smaller. Smaller. Smaller. Smaller.

Oh, there's so many cards. Smaller. Why do these cards scratch and sniff? Is it better one or two? One or two? If the image on the card matches what you see before you, put that card in the subject pile. If the image does not

match the subject's penis, put them into a discard pile. Do this with every card. Once you have finished the pile, pick up the subject pile, flip the first card over, and read the description on the back. Nothing to memorize. No arcane trivia.

The Falamancy Oracle does the work for you. When you are finished, repeat the process with the next available subject's penis. You've got a row of them, I'm sure. I've got a lot of appointments today. Well, you know, I just, it sounds so great, but where can the

Falamancy Oracle be used? The Falamancy Oracle can be used at stag parties, bachelorette parties, frat boy keg parties, around a hot tub, at nude beaches, in saunas, in locker rooms, anywhere a subject penis can be found.

Let's go exploring. Easy to handle, convenient poker-sized cards, instructions included. Well, here at Oracle, we are not interested in the art of phallomancy. Thank you for coming in and applying. We'll let you know if you have the job. Please do not do that again.

I knew you guys were lame. But this makes a great gag gift. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, so unlocks the secrets of thousands of years of human civilization makes a great gag gift. Yeah. Okay. You can put it in your mouth.

Well, in response to what you said, I'm going to say two magic spells. For entertainment purposes only. Not intended to diagnose medical conditions. Right, right, right. Peaches out games. Makes no claims for the accuracy of veracity of the

ancient Hindu Tibetan or Chinese phallic scholars whose hands-on knowledge uh and wait for it long oral

traditions uh-huh were used in the creation of this deck just whip out your deck and have fun no penises

were harmed in the making of this deck I have a million of them that's good hey uh I was looking through the deck and I saw that one of the cards in your deck uh had some of the making of this deck. I have a million of them. That's good. Hey, I was looking through the deck,

and I saw that one of the cards in your deck had some of the credits in this game. Can you tell me who is responsible? A couple of people that were responsible for this game? With those Peters out, the head designer. Peters out. Peters out. Stog likes that one. Peters out. You know what? Peter's out Peter's out Peter's out

You know what? That's a really clever dick pun because it's so subtle Peter's out, I like it Dick pun? I have no idea what you mean I don't know what you're talking about Let me go to the head of advertising Dick's out Not even Richard

Not even Richard His name is Dick Dick what do you want okay okay I don't like what you're insinuating here I really don't I'm just going to tell you about the technical supporter and we're going to put this to rest the technical supporter is Balls Out

oh what no no no nobody said anything about Balls he has a traditional Polish name Balls B-A-L-Z I'm out of here nobody said anything about Balls He has a traditional Polish name, Balls. B-A-L-Z. I'm out of here. Nobody said anything about balls, dudes. I'm out. See ya.

Hello, I am Balls out. I'm here for technical support. What's the primary mechanic that this game employs? Deduction. I'm sorry I'm with the IRS. I have to deduct like three inches from your penis. So there's a couple more tarot decks. Sorry, there's a thing in the reviews for this.

Apparently the creator of the game is supposed to review their own game. Oh, that makes sense. That's a good policy. Really good policy. Okay, so

boots, we are coming down to the end here, so I'm going to let you choose one more tarot deck. It's up to you which tarot deck you want to read here. So there's Papa Midnight's Sacred Andika Oracle. Andikra? Andin? Who cares?

I'm sorry, what? Sure, yeah, I don't know. Who cares? Anyway, there's that one. There's also the Vancouver Sketchpad Tarot. And then finally there's Herbal Quest the Game.

And yes, quest is spelled with a W. Oh, we don't want to do Billy Bitstrips Tarot? No, I don't. I don't want to do Billy Bitstrips Tarot. Not an option. Okay, I'm going to go with Herbal Quest as in the cell phone provider. Herbal Quest the game is a game for two players.

Before we get started here, Herbal Quest the game, how much is your game? It looks very complicated. My game, which includes lots of wonderful crayon artwork, is $103.99.

Wow. But this game does include two players' worth of game. Oh, okay. It's Herbal Quest, the game, times two players. Well, your description's a little long, so let's see here. I think...

And also, none of this has been cleared with the telecommunications company quest. No, no, I doubt it. So, can you just skip down to the part in the description where it says, Herbal Quest is based off real plants? Oh, sure. Thank you.

Herbal Quest is based off real plants and their medical uses, according to the German Commission E-Program, GCE, and their monographs showing the effectiveness and safety of approved herbs. Plants versus doctors. All the plants, oils, and extracts used in the game have been approved by GCE as safe the GCE program

is the German version of the American Food and Drug Agency FDA and this is not stating that GCE has anything to do with the game

just that I use their standards as medicine my standards all numbers and cards in my doing related to the effectiveness

of the plants based on my calculations of the GCE findings approved treatments that affected this all diseases ailments illnesses sicknesses and injury in the game based on the underlying of the plants, based on my calculations, the GCE findings, the proof treatments that affected this. All diseases, ailments, illnesses, sicknesses, and injury in the game are based on real-life problems. The diseases are based off the most common problems

a family or village doctor may have on a day-to-day basis. Excuse me, Mr. Herbal Quest, sir? Why are all the cards in this game spelled Kratom? Why are all the herbs in this game named Kratom? This is an eclectics venture.

It sure is. It actually has a printed box with crayon art. So why did you create this game? I created this just right next to it. I created this game hoping that I would help someone somewhere learn about more about God's plan.

So their healing powers, they all hold inside the game's design layout and artwork were all done by me. All artwork was done by hand with color pencils and then scanned into the computer. It doesn't look it. If there are any mistakes made, miscalculations, bad artwork, or design, sorry, that's my fault. Aww. My name is Levi Robertson. I'm a 30-year-old man.

I was born and raised in Washington State. I've been... Being born a Christian, I also noticed all the Bible has to say on herbs for the healing of people and animals. Shoot. Frequently. It's frequently talking about like athlete's foot. Can you tell me about what it says at herbalquest.com?

Go to my own website. Go to your own website. This site can't be reached. Hey, what game is Herbal Quest the game times two players like? If you like. Oh, you know, if you like Go.

Like Go. Oh, God! This game contains a bunch of cards. I really don't know. Although, I was on the wrong page. Oh, if you like Settlers of Catan. I don't know although I was on the wrong page oh if you like Settlers of Catan I don't at least it's not go

you got that going for you you like the general idea of hexagons I do because they're not shitty black and white pigs on the board judging by the samples here I think my favorite plant card is the falcon.

I just want to read just a quick, very quick section here from just a bunch of other games I found. Angels vs. Demons, Stick Warriors, 12 cards pack, pass the Anthrax No thank you, I'm full

Rejection Therapy The game Not Another Zombie Train Deck Building Game There's been a lot of those Yeah, it's not just another one Then there's The Feminine Pleasure Deck Ugh Yeah, it's not just another one. Then there's the feminine pleasure deck.

This deck empowers all women! It's just one card that says... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just one card that says touch your clitoris. It's like, oh, good. Discord, the game of bitterness and hatred. H4CK3RS underscore TCG starter set. Crazy Cat Lady, Slapheads.

Cards against anime. Cards against Equestria. Kali of Duty. Aww. Poor doggy. Dogmon's card game. What? Lemonade Stand 2.0. Cosplay. The game god pc can go to hell

wow california water crisis bachelorette colon a game for bffs and death circle the game but uh f plus what do we learn from all of this you can make a fucking board game about anything you want and it's gonna be bad. All of these were ostensibly actually printed, right? So yeah, so I did,

I mentioned earlier I thought it was a PDF. I take that back. It is definitely not a PDF. I put, I forgot, I put one of them in my deck. Oh, yes, I'm buying the dating deck at a discounted price of $19.99. And you do actually get it shipped. So I'm assuming that this,

the actual Game Crafter website is sort of a Zazzle kind of approach where it's like print-to-order materials. Yeah, that's what I was figuring. Which would also kind of explain... How the materials show up in the thing. It would also kind of explain... It would also kind of explain why all of this shit is so fucking expensive.

The ones that were like the super pretentious art games that were like almost 100 bucks, they had a little disclaimer saying like, oh, these are laser cut, so they'll smell for a week like a campfire and we'll have a bunch of sun on them. I'm like, oh, good. But I'm sure that the artsy motherfuckers

who were doing that were like, oh, that's part of the experience that the artsy motherfuckers who are doing that were like, oh, that's part of the experience. The smell of death hangs over our board pieces. So, yeah, pay $100 for Shitty Go. Good job. Yay, I love Shitty Go. I love it so fucking much. I learned that a button that i can push with stog

is shitty go like that yeah yeah i think that's the maddest i've seen him it's such a weird it's such a weird value proposition because it's like it's like okay so you know like like a lot of these things you know if you're going to try to make, like, Galaxy Truckers or something like that by yourself, it would be expensive to make. But, like, to print up a deck of cards, I mean, you can't figure out how to do that by yourself. You need to go through the Game Crafter. I guess maybe it's, like, the marketplace is the product. Yeah, or is Game Crafter, is it essentially a vanity press for game developers? Yes, it probably is.

Yeah, because this way you probably don't have to put any money in. is it essentially a vanity press for game developers? Yes, it probably is. Yeah. Cause this way you probably don't have to put any money in. It wouldn't be bad to do like a, like a, like a demo run of something. Well, practically speaking, it looks like the game crafter is sort of a vanity press,

but they allow you to buy the parts that go with your game. So you can buy like a dice or dice or tokens or cards that you, that you bring the pdf art for so pretty much it's a it's a vanity set with extra pieces i think we just keep moving the goalpost down because like you you come up with the concept for the game in a day you get the drawings from fiverr you send all of the jpegs to this fucking place, and then you're a millionaire. And you can also find millionaires at both! Yay!

.it. I'm sure they're in there somewhere. Yeah, sure. I don't know. They haven't introduced themselves yet. Play the interactive online board game, Find the Millionaires. And then read their penises Our website

THEFPL.US We've got some other websites too They're also fun Anything else you want to add? You're on the spot Thank you Shit, I draw You fucked it up!

Oh no shit I draw you fucked it up bye bye guys are we all being haunted by the ghost of Jimmy Stewart how many strokes did he have after he died Zuzu Zuzu's settlers are katanas in the gaming club How many strokes did he have after he died? Oh, Zuzu, Zuzu's Settlers of Catan is in the gaming club. Well, that was Don Knotts, I'm sorry. Andy! Merry Christmas, Cthulhu game. Merry Christmas, you old porn game.

Monopoly, you're going straight to hell. I remember that part in that movie where he damn people to hell.