The F Plus - 261: Ask Reddit And You Shall Receive Reddit

Episode Date: September 16, 2017

With a subscribed userbase of 18 million, r/AskReddit works with a simple premise: One person asks a question, other people answer it. And that open-ended concept means means Reddit can do what it's best at: Dim your view of human worth. It is a series of threads posted in by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. This week, The F Plus ignores the court order and visits Fun Grandma again.

I don't feel super confident with my clapping there, but we're just going to leave it. Did your clap sound confident, though? Did you fake it? I did, I did. Could you use a clap coach? Could I have a clap coach? Sure.

I just need someone to be around to tell me how this all works. All I've got is a coach with the clap. Now I know exactly what I'm going to do on Fiverr. Shyness is nice and Shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like

to. What sort of porn annoys you? Separately from that, this is the F+. Terrible things read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Mr. Boots Reingear. Redditors who think murderers are inherently bad people. Why? Fryquest? I made a technique that allows me to not come It's really hard though

And especially hard to explain He's your friend on the internet His name is Adam Bozerth Have you ever flippin' duped instead of Flappin' dazzling? How did it work for you? Frank West Oh god damn it go again

how did you know you were gay Achilles Heelys Redditors who have eaten at the Times Square Olive Garden why Scootie people who have no one to talk to today how are you doing?

And Lemon. I was banned from Planet Fitness. Deadlifts not allowed. Went out in a blaze of glory. Authorities were contacted. No regrets! Man, unplug the microphone. Or the microphone unplugged itself. It's a country. Nature is a language country.

So ask me, ask me, ask me. Ask me, ask me, ask me. Because if it's not love Then it's the bomb, the bomb, the bomb The bomb, the bomb, the bomb The bomb that will bring us together Hey, F+. Hi, Lemon.

Hello. Hey, how is everyone doing? Hey, what are your favorite internet communities? Well, there's this great website called B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. That's interesting. An Italian site? Dot I-T? Yes. It's all

in Italian, and it's mostly just posts of bicycles. And recipes. Spaghetti recipes. And spaghetti recipes. There's pictures of bicycles, but then people are always taking them. Yes. That's some modern stereotypes you guys got there. It's real good.

Real good. Real good. Well, I want to introduce you, for the first time, I'm sure, to a community you probably have never heard of. It's called Reddit.com. Oh. How do you spell that? I forget, but Reddit.com is a site where people go if they like video games and not women and poorly drawn frogs.

That's where they go. And then they have opinions and they share them. Also puppies. They also go there if they hate those things. Sure, they go there if they hate those things. And themselves. Just stemming back the tide. Just standing there on the beach. Fuck you, ocean.

Cut it out. So, yeah. So we're going to a particular subreddit here, which is called r slash askreddit. Askreddit. This is a document provided to us by Captain Laser Pants. Thank you very much, Captain Laser Pants. I should point out that it is, unfortunately, it is not Ask Credit.

It's not Ask Credit. It's not Ask Credit. It's Ask Reddit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ask Credit is my cryptocurrency. How's that doing? It's in the shitter. Oh, okay. So, this is a document provided to us by... You wanna boo me?

This is a document provided to us by... You want to boom me? This is a document provided to us by Captain Laserpants. Captain Laserpants tells us, Ask Reddit is one of the most popular subreddits and a place where you can ask any question you want, whether it be about a silly hypothetical or opinion on current events. You'll get a variety of answers, but mostly it's just gross dudes swapping stories

about why they jerk off. There were trending topics compiled in the span of a week, so here we go. So I want to start off with my question to you, Boots. You're Boots, you're Diego Jones. I am. And I just want to ask you something.

People of Reddit, what's your proudest fap? I am Diego Jones 4. My girlfriend wanted to watch me. I still had my money shot at the time. What? I still had my money shot. I still had it

and then I traded it away. I'm not a virgin, you guys. I still had my money shot at the time and it shot about three feet and hit her in the head. She said, now I know why I can feel you come. Wow, what a proud moment. I am so proud of this.

So good. Achilles, your name is Nuts something. Hey, I'm Nutsnurum. So I always stay at my boring grandma's house. No video games. Nothing at all. Well, how did this guy fap?

Damn it. I'm going to fun grandma's house. She's my fap coach. Oh, God. Oh, God. Now I know what I'm doing on Fiber. I was about 13 and was at the point of Fapping out of sheer boredom. I figured I'd try to find a way.

How could I ever masturbate when I'm 13? 13 and bored somehow. Mm-hmm. So I went to her basement to look for anything at all. I look at her bookshelf and found a few National Geographic magazines from the 70s or 80s, hoping for African tribe tits. Okay. Yeah. God.

Yep. Leafed through them quickly and found nothing. Okay. Yeah. God. Yeah. Leaf to them quickly and found nothing. My attention. To be clear, I'm not I'm not revolted at what he's looking for and revolted at that is where his head is

at. Yeah. And the lack of African tribe tits. Yeah. And the lack of the fact that he found any is disgusting to me. My attention was drawn

to a snow-white golden book. Really? Really? Really? Wow, and you're 13. You really had a leg up on being a pervert, didn't you? Stard him young. That's what fun grandma says.

Maybe, I thought. I looked through it, and of course, nothing good enough. But then, I had an epiphany. I grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper and made a quick sketch of Snow White with one minor change. She was topless. Hallelujah. Wow. This is, oh my God, this is an R. Crumb origin story now. At my young age, it took about 30 seconds.

And that you just peaked right there. That was the best moment. I've gotten better since then. It's five now. That was way too carefully written. You probably edited that. My attention was drawn to Well, it's an excerpt from my memoir.

I was 21. Delete. 13. And, uh, Frank, you're not safe for work milk? I'm not safe for work milk. I remember reading somewhere that people with a certain brain chemistry or structure or something we're able to climax without any visual

audio or physical stimulation. Challenge accepted. Just ghosts. So you jerked off in an isolation chamber? No we You've seen Altered States right?

I can jerk off with both hands tied behind my back They call it the Houdini It took a while But I was able to blow my load On mental images alone I was only able to do it once And the time I spent trying to do that should have been spent studying,

but fuck it. This was for real science. Yeah, hello. Is this James Randi? Hey, I've got a case for you. My name is OhNoThatGuy123. Honestly, this is the most impressive thing I've seen on this thread. You should

be proud! Uh, Squiddy, your name is J-H 1-0-1-4. I know, to find it, I mean. Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, rather than that,

take T-H-R-L-L-M. Next one down there. What? There's nothing gross here. It's fine. Everyone's just having proud moments. They're just proud. Just pride. In our heritage.

You made this gross. I jerked it in a public pool bathroom. Fucked a pool noodle with foaming hand soap as a lube for a little too. How did you do that? How did you? By fucked a pool noodle. There's a lot of foam involved. Foam noodle, foaming.

Foam soap. Left the. Foam, soap. Left the bathroom, and there was an old man that went in immediately after me. He had obviously seen me and was patiently waiting outside the bathroom for me to finish before he went. Calling the cops. Awesome. That guy was the real MVP. I'm calling seconds on that pool noodle there. Fellow.

There's two N's to it, ain't there? Man, this is so hard to believe that so much of this Ask Reddit thread is just all about jerking. But Boots, your name is BoxNumberGavin1. Not a number. Your name is BoxNumberGavin1. Still not a number. But that's my name. So, when I first went on antidepressants, my libido got hit hard.

But it wasn't just drive. When I did try to fap, the climax just wasn't there. It was like the vending machine took my money, it went to push the product out and nothing no god damn chocolate bar none of that wonderful feel good ejaculation feeling so this went on for a month or so being in constant state of blue balling myself when i even worked myself up enough to try it got to the point where i was fucking sick and tired of the whole farce. I decided at one point, this fap, I'm going to fucking do it. I'm going to cum.

Hell yeah. Wow. You really have to get yourself that psyched up every time? Okay, dick. Okay, dick. It's just me and you, okay? Oh, my God. Just stay in the game.

Be the ball. Be the balls. Yeah, be the balls. At this point, I should mention my methodology. See, I am a fancy fapper. Woo! That is to say, I jizz into toilet. So by fancy fapper, you're as fancy as a cat who can use the toilet by himself.

Fancy jizzing into the toilet. A combination of foreskin and thumb placement stopping stray shots and allowing me to direct the matter in a controlled enough manner, resulting in easy cleanup after and little evidence. stopping stray shots and allowing me to direct the matter in a controlled enough manner, resulting in easy cleanup after and little evidence. The drawback to this is, of course, is that I need to be in the bathroom in order to finish in my preferred manner and that I have to be standing while climaxing. Normally, not a problem, but with my condition at the time, I was limited at how long my legs could hold out before cramps set in.

Okay. So your cum just, like, sneaks up on you? Just like, oh! If he stands up too long, he gets cramps. Yeah. Okay. You must have a really weird day job.

Well, my house is on a 45-degree angle. Oh, that makes sense. The dick in the hand on the house on the hill. So, like, to be standing is to be planking at all times. I was limited to hell on my legs at home before cramps set in. My body told me to stop, meaning not only was i blue balling myself i would be mildly exhausted for even trying so so my plan for this particular fap was to ignore my body when it said stop

yeah i started as normal in my bedroom getting myself worked up over the most shameful scenarios that worked for me. It was like an 45-minute long bit of foreplay until I felt I had gotten things properly warmed up. Jesus, don't you have any errands to do today? No. He had to sit down and commit to this because of his medication. He looked at his schedule, you know o'clock breakfast i called in sick for this uh this is a long post boots can you skip a bit please um sure eventually i lost any sensation of pleasure from the fapping action i had been in this territory before and had given up but this

time i kept on going. I was already out of energy. I had my legs were cramping, my arm felt straight, even my head started to feel light, but I kept on going. Then after a few minutes, oh, I began to feel something. Like I had just unlocked

new game plus mode. Oh, come on. Proud of you, buddy. Just in case you forgot we're on Reddit. What could possibly feel better, guys? How can I explain this to other human beings? Well, how would other men understand? Anyway, so here I am ignoring every bit of protest my body is putting up,

even my dick skin feeling uncomfortable, just to reach that point, just so I could prove to myself that I could reach that point, that I didn't need to sacrifice my sexuality for my mental well-being. I stagger from a wall I was leaning against over to the toilet, and finally, fucking finally, I have a modest orgasm. Guys, New Game Plus sounds fucking terrible. I don't think anyone should want to do that. It's harder.

Yeah. That's just because you're a casual. Modest orgasm mode. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And then I repeat all that shit in a shorter paragraph. Sure did. Sure did.

Hey, I'm McRadley! Hey, McRadley! You're rad! Yeah! I don't know if this really counts because I had some help, but my girlfriend at the time was giving me a handjob in my

bed! That doesn't count at all! That doesn't count! Hold on. I guess I never actually tried to have fap defined, but I thought I knew the definition. Oh, I'm just too rad, you'll see. It was probably one of the worst

handjobs I've ever received. Reddit. She wasn't gripping properly. She was way too gentle It was stop it And when she did get a rhythm down It was only for a short while

Girls it's like they don't have cocks Didn't you read my guide? Really inexperienced jacking technique She was 2 out of ten stars. She was just not good at stroking it. Her hand ended up cramping after a bit because surprise, I couldn't come.

I didn't even care that I was a yelper. So, I end up taking over and it's like a... Sorry, hold on. Just move, just move, just move! Listen, if it's not going to be efficient, it's not really a handjob, is it? So I end up taking over, and it's like a professional showed up.

The crowd goes wild! Professional me. I get where I need to go pretty quickly and as I got close, I announced what was eventually to come. Me.

It's gonna get real stinky. Attention. I remembered this so clearly Even now It felt as if time stood still As I watched my first Shot of jizz lance

Upward and connect directly With my girlfriend's open eye Great That's awesome I never laughed so hard or lost a girlfriend So quickly She died Mick Radley you're fun I never laughed so hard or lost a girlfriend so quickly. Yeah. She died.

McRadley, you're fun. McRadley in the house. All right. Well, that's enough dudes jerking. I think it's time for an actual woman. An actual woman. Okay, crap. Yeah, here we go.

Okay, so Squiddy, this is bus fap throwaway 239. An actual woman. You know. Participate. What? This actual woman is going to throw this back to the actual gender who probably wrote it. Wait a minute. But this is an actual woman. Well, no, it's just. No, I who probably wrote it. Wait a minute! But this is an actual woman!

Well, no, it's just... No, I skimmed it, and it's probably not. So I think that means you're an actual man. Well, now as an actual man on Reddit, I fucking hate all women. Okay, fine. You probably should fucking explain it wrong anyway. That's true, that's true. Sorry, I'm just anti-fop.

Okay. Anti-fop. All right. What does your flag look like? That sounds fun. That sounds fun to think about. Yeah, yeah. So, okay, fine.

Just a reference. Two different people paid like five bucks because they like this post so much. To give it gold. To gild it. Yes. Which means it was an actual woman then, for sure. Okay, yes.

Actual moon. Here we go. Throw away for obvious reasons. I'm a woman. Early 20s. Reasonably attractive. I swear blind, this is 100% true. Edit, this is legit my darkest secret.

So, we all know the stereotype about a gal getting herself off on a washing machine. Surprisingly, buses have the same effect. Actual women know the dogs. Excuse me, Excuse me! I said I was a woman. You never explicitly said in this episode you're a woman. I call you into question, madam.

Oh. The bus makes me as horny as the washing machine. Well, I do like washing clothes. Yes, buses have the same effect. The potholes, the shitty suspension. It all just gets me going.

A few times I'd managed to very subtly rub one out with just my thumb over my jeans on a bus full of people. Yes, I certainly did that. I like the danger of being caught. Here's a sentence. Are you ready for my next sentence? Butt. And not the good kind of butt. This one time,

the bus was completely empty with just me on the top deck. Ooh! I'm British! Hooray! Oh, wait a second. Or maybe I'm on a megabus. Either way. On the megabus. I took my chance.

I unzipped. Screw it! My jeans and panties were around my knees. Another thing, actual women do not say. Panties! I was having a full-on finger fuck right there on the empty bus. Countryside and do not say. Panties! I was having a full-on finger fuck

right there on the empty bus. Countryside whizzing. Oh, it is British, absolutely. Countryside whizzing past. No one had any idea what I was doing. I even moved to grind on the seat at one point. You don't want to do that. It was very easy.

It's so slippery. I came! I pulled my jeans back up, wiped my fingers on the seat. Yeah! That's why she didn't want to do that. That's why it's not

a woman. Yes, a woman would have gotten a tissue from her purse and wiped her fingers off. And waited until she got home. And washed her hands. And waited until she got home. And went on with the journey. When I got off, ha ha!

The driver was smiling at me. I said thank you, as is customary. The next time I got on the bus, I looked above the driver's head, and there was a screen showing the security camera footage on the top deck! The driver had seen everything!

Everything. And then everyone on the bus applied! And I got somebody fired. And that's why women love it when you talk to them on the bus. All right. Okay, so we're just going to skip over the entire section about doctors talking about things that they fished out of butts, because, you know, I just had a

conversation with Victor. And we're gonna move on to a thread called What non-sexual thing do you constantly fantasize about? Yeah, so that is the question to you. So, Adam, your name is Apathy,

and what non-sexual thing do you constantly fantasize about? Being the sheriff of a very, very small town where everyone knows you, and Agatha gives you a free slice of pie every time you go into the local diner. Then, once we're being invaded by aliens, total is shaking up the once

crime-free and quiet town. I save most of the town, my uncharacteristically hot wife and rebellious son, who I don't quite get along with at first, but we bridge the gap by the end of the invasion. Sucks that Agatha

and her husband running that diner will more than likely die brutally because they know me. They aren't main characters. They aren't main enough characters. Main enough characters? They aren't main enough characters. So your fantasy

is being Will Smith. I will probably have to sacrifice myself in some sort of explosion while the alien horde converges on us at Town Square because the initial plan didn't work. And I have to fight light the

fire with my last match personally. That's your... While my wife... I think his fantasy is being Randy Quaid. here. While my wife... I think his fantasy is being Randy Quaid. Yeah. While my wife and once rebellious son plea that there is another way, but there isn't. You know, something like that.

And I fixed the typos in here. Thank you. Thank you for that. Some typos I fixed. Achilles, what do you have? Hey, I'm Owen Bicker. This is a story

I'm coming up with. Nothing will probably come of it. Oh, good. TV Tropes is back. Yay. The great prologue. The only thing that gives me joy. Seven incarnations of the same person in seven

Different alternative universes Find seven pieces of an inter-universal Ship and when all seven Are found the ship reforms Combining the seven incarnations Into a single person whose Buried being is connected to the universe Oh yeah In order to defend the multiverse Buried being is connected to the universe.

Oh, yeah. In order to defend the multiverse from the titans who created it, wanting to restart all of creation, he uses a relic called the Iron Titan, a tool used by the titans themselves to create the universe from the mantle of God, an eternal power that resides in the space between universes. I wish this... Sir, we only have large fries. Look, I'm Joss Whedon.

I get what I want. This is like the fifth element. This is the fifth element with different numbers. That's true. The seventh element. This is the fifth element with different numbers. That's true. The seventh element. I've got a lot more than that. The seventh element is also love.

I've got a lot more than that. Up to the part where the heart of the multiverse is destroyed by our hero trademark sacrifices himself. Wait, is our hero the seven people combined together? Don't fucking say that out loud. Now I have to pay him royalties, you dick.

Becoming the new heart of the multiverse since he is still connected to it. What does the multiverse need? Never mind. He spent a lot of time thinking about boots instead of sex. All right, so who did you guys cast as the seven incarnations? Nathan Fillion. I think The Rock, but each one has a different hairstyle.

Each one has a different wig. Now's not at all. Each one has a different wig. Now you've made a good movie, though. I think Seven Gary Oldmans would be fun. Terry Crews's is? Ooh. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'll just watch any movie.

It's Seven Terry Crews's, and when they combine together, they're Haley Joel Osment. Whoa. Downgrade, downgrade! Downgrade! Downgrade! Hey, so there's like 20 responses to this and they are all super positive. Can I see? No.

No. Frank, what do you have? I'm death and destruction of the collapse of civilization how we band together this is your greatest fantasy this is my greatest fantasy

by the way I'm just looking at this link you provided here and yeah you're right just like one after another that's a fucking awesome story! Oh my god, it's so good! Develop this, make it into a book, and we'll all watch the movie

when it comes out. You're needed at r slash worldbuilding. This sounds like some serious, sick-ass anime title with big-ass multiverse battles how we band together to form a little society in my town how we start farming on the available land and gather together

all the most helpful books we can find how we start establishing rituals to teach the children the most important things in a way that will survive the coming generations of darkness, hygiene infection and disease avoidance, literacy, basic numeracy. I would structure it around rhymes, which would be repeated together verbatim every week for easy propagation down the generations. I would want a mixed age group, ideally all the adults too, so that we as we covered each basic idea, we could then break into groups and older people

could practice the skill, practice repeating a more detailed litany for something like food hygiene with the younger people. This is a fully achievable fantasy just to become a teacher? Yeah. Isn't that what this is? I think this might be more of a cult leader. You won't let me become a teacher

in the current civilization. There's only one option. Literally everything has to go to shit before I can conceive of being successful. I would definitely include a raw water taboo, so all water to be consumed always got boiled first. I am torn as to whether things like the world being round are worth including. As I figure the more you try to include, the more prone to corruption.

Oh god. Yep. Literally the only way I can conceive of having a normal job like teacher is the whole. Without any rules. A fundamental part of my greatest fantasy is that all water sources are unclean. Also, I thought you were riffing there,

Frank, because he's like, I want to come up with nursery rhymes. Nope. I never riff. Everything I say is 100% true. nursery rhymes. Nope. But about... I never riff. Everything I say is 100% true. I was like, this is a pretty good riff. Oh, wow. Okay, there it is.

That's another thread here. This thread is called Cosplayers of Reddit. What is the cringiest interaction you've ever held? Sorry, you've ever had an event? Oh, everyone. Both of them. No, no.

And Adam, your name is Uncle Nicolini. Mm-hmm. And what's the cringiest interaction you've had in an event? I have a friend who cosplayed as a Homestuck character back in 2012. Yeah, you do. I can't remember which, but I know it was a troll. Anyway, the author of the comic was present at the convention, so the fans were out in droves.

And Rabbit, too. of the comic was present at the convention so the fans were out in droves and rabbit too so we're walking around and she keeps getting attacked by a bunch of kids who can't be older than 14 we're 18 slash 19 so we obviously nope out asap people hit her with prop weapons come up and try to tackle her ask her for flirt, and even one tried feeling her up. Now, by flirt, what do you mean? What's the word flirt mean in your mind? Woman. Woman.

I was going to assume they hit her with their money shot, but I don't know. Ooh, very impressive. Fake. You're a fake gamer girl she's a fake webcomic girl oh yeah even worse this all culminates with some bozo dressed like a

guggalo hitting her jujolo jujolo I'm sorry this all culminates with some bozo dressed like a jujolo. A jujolo, I'm sorry, a jujolo. This all culminates with some bozo dressed like a jujolo hitting her over the head with a bowling pin and breaking the horns she had made for the event. Huh. Interesting juggalo, unexpected voice of reason.

Needless to say, she's furious and excuses herself to the bathroom. A few minutes later, she's back, having dumped her horns, jacket, contacts, and wiped the face paint off. We spent the rest of the day in a foul mood. The next day, we heard that a bunch of homestuck graffiti had been found in the surrounding area, and the convention had to move hotels next year. This is ours now! Oh, and the Deadpools? They're all awful.

Oh, wow. Wow, fucking Gauntlet Throne. So what happened? So she went as a bad character from this place, and everybody just hit her? What is Homestuck? I don't know what Homestuck is.

Oh, God. Yeah, that's a long answer. Delete that from the episode. We don't want explanations Homestuck is. Oh, God. Yeah, that's a long answer. Homestuck is a web. Delete that from the episode. We don't want explanations from the fans. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Okay. My bad. All right.

So, Squiddy, your name is Throwaway4567Y. Okay. I dressed as Rose Quartz from Steven Universe. And a neckbeard type guy, sort of dressed as a character from the same show, approached me by coming up right behind me and said, Rose, my waifu, while I was talking to a vendor. He had the greasiest hair I have ever seen and really bad B.O. He asked for a pic, and I said, okay.

And then he asked to pose with me kissing his cheek, and I said, no. Yeah, I don't think he was in costume as Greg Universe. That's a really good bald spot. It's really convincing. He got upset and said that I had to because he loved Rose, blah, blah, blah. And I didn't know how to disengage. Funnily enough. You didn't?

Funnily enough. This is so great. A Pearl cosplayer intervened and told him to beat it. Cool. Funnily enough, this is so great, a Pearl cosplayer intervened and told him to beat it. Cool, that's awesome. That's awesome. That's the best part.

Fucking friendship, yay. No more than friendship. You're right, you're right. You're my waifu now. Hey, to the people who work at a buffet-style restaurant. Okay. To people who work at a buffet-style restaurant, what is the most you have seen a customer eat?

All of it. Yeah. What an excellent question. I'm Dwight Gary Halpert, which means I'm the offspring of... I'm like an office shipper. If you say so. Yep.

Hi, I'm the office. I don't know. Hi, I'm the office. I've cooked in a few restaurants. One was pizza. One was pizza. Okay. Okay. The restaurant was called Pizza. One was pizza. Okay. Okay.

The restaurant was called Pizza. It was Pizza Ranch. It was totally Pizza Ranch. No, no, no. It was a Jimmy John's. It was just located inside of a pizza. It was a pizza. We had a lunch buffet.

There was one family of four that would come in and probably eat two pizzas each. Wow. The dad would always request that we make a supreme with double cheese for the buffet, and he would go grab the whole pan and take it to his table. They were smelly and messy. No shit. They would wreck the bathroom and steal the soap. Allegedly.

Okay, this actually is Pizza Ranch. The only weird thing is that, like, in this person's story, this person is an outlier. And why can't we go to Pizza Ranch, Lemon? Go ahead. You know, we tried to go to Pizza Ranch. Or at least I lobbied for the Pizza Ranch. But it was because we were on the way

to see a giant ball of twine. Anywho. I work at a semi-fine dining spot in college. A semi-fine dining spot, baby. It's a taco. And we did a rotating international buffet on Fridays. What does that mean? That means they put soy sauce on the garbage on Fridays.

Tapatio. Tapatio on Fridays. There was a couple of music students that would come and eat every Friday. One day they brought this Jordanian jazz student who could have been Borat's runt twin. It was fajita day. No thank you. You know, international. So it was

fajita day and the first fajita experience for the 5 foot 5 130-ish pound kid. Okay. Okay, this is very multicultural. This guy made a freaking foot-tall Scooby-Doo salad and ate the whole thing with a basket of rolls

before crushing about a half-bite of sneeze. Okay. Please do it. That was good. So a Scooby-Doo salad? So like a Dagwood, but it's a salad? Yeah, remember how the salad Scooby-Doo ate? The salads that he ate.

He'd make a salad that was stacked like four feet high. He had the munchies. He had a salad. Reaserallage. Need my roughage. Like they left the whole iceberg salad in the stain scoop. Wow. What was that voice?

That was Dax Shaggy. That was Dax Shaggy. Oh, okay. Dax Shepard as Shaggy. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. I know it was Matthew Lillard in the movies, but... Dax Shepard as Shaggy. It was Casey Kasem.

Okay, we're just naming people now. Casey Kasem was the voice of Shaggy. It's Casey Kasem. Okay, we're just naming people now. Casey Kasem was the voice of Shaggy. Anyway. I know. The basket rolls before crushing about a half-pint each of rice and beef fried beans, and probably about a pound plus each of chicken and beef made into hefty fajitas with all the trim. He looked six months pregnant when he left. I spelled pregnant correctly.

Wow. Congratulations. Get off the internet. You've graduated. My name is Teddy Lives. My friend worked at a Golden Corral and would see all sorts of regulars. Oddly enough, they were the most picky customer. Oddly.

You don't say. The regulars at the Golden Corral. The people who rely on Golden Corral to make their food. This doesn't have whipped cream on it. You call this a Caesar salad. All right. This food has not sat in a chafing dish for 30 minutes? Hey, no one shoved their finger in mine!

Take it out back and let it sit around for a while before you bring it out. The restaurant had to start setting time limits for the bunch after a few years because some would literally sit in the restaurant for all three meals! Some would literally sit in the restaurant for all three meals. They had no shame in staking out a corner of the dining area and going up for more food throughout the day. He said, eventually, these regulars would start moving more slowly, then be confined to wheelchairs and assisted breathing machines. Like, while they were at the restaurant, this would happen. You would see the de-evolution of man at the restaurant.

I mean, yeah, that's the taste. You can taste the difference at Golden Corral. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Golden Corral presented by Ciriac. You would just see the animation. I think he's saying that Golden Corral slowly kills people. Well, yes, but he admits

he was a little sad when his snobbiest of customers would stop showing. Those type of people really color his workday. Sadly, the place closed a few years back. No, that's not sad. That's very sad.

That's not sad at all. It's very, very sad. Customers are still inside. So that riddle that's like, what walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, three in the evening is really just a customer at the Golden Corral. Achilles Heeles,

your name is Violet Mommy? Violet Mommy.? Hmm? Violet's Mommy. Yeah. Well, yes, hello. Hi, I'm Violet's Mommy. I used to work at a detention center for felony offender youths. Oh, is that a restaurant? I don't know if that counts.

Well, we had a better health rating than the Golden Corral. Wait, are you guys saying that prison food is all you can eat? No, they're just really sticking to a theme. Achilles, that one's funny, but this one's funnier. I'm just going to give you a link here. And you are a former New City Buffet worker aren't you Miles Allen

what's up I'm Miles Allen hey what's up former New City Buffet worker here we got our fair share but the two that really stand out are Rib Guy and Bulimia Woman oh crime fighting duo only on USA and Bulimia Woman. Oh, crime fighting duo.

Only on USA. Rib Guy came in regularly when we swapped our items to our dinner menu 4pm and ate nothing but ribs until he closed at 9pm. I'm with Rib Guy. That sounds great. That sounds great. I'll fucking hang out with Rib Guy.

Hell yeah. He never overstayed our hours, but it was a rare night when he didn't eat at least 25 ribs and nothing else. Wow! Not even water? I wish to learn from Rib Guy. Wait a second, so 25 individual

ribs from 4 to 9? Are you talking racks of ribs? I don't think racks. I think actual ribs. Like single ribs. That is five hours. It's five hours, but I mean, after

a full rack, I mean, you need a nap. It's kind of weird that you can digest it that fast. There's like eight to ten ribs on a rack. Right, okay. But your digestive he can digest it that fast. There's like eight to ten ribs on a rack. Right, okay. But your digestive system doesn't work that fast. I don't know.

Rib guys does. Rib guys does. Rib guys. I don't know. Maybe I am an outlier, but that doesn't seem too outrageous to me. Well, let's find out. Let's find out. Okay.

And 25 was his minimum. I saw him eat 40 once that I can recall. Did you have one of those clicky things like bouncers have? I counted the bones. I saved them for later. Everybody at the New City Buffet just goes, It's Rib Guy. And as he eats, they just shout

out, one! And then like two minutes later, they shout out, two! So they also are there from Fortnite. Cheering on Rib Guy. That's what you do at the New City Buffet.

Never had anything else, not even a drink. This was every Tuesday and Thursday, with only one absence over one and a half years. My God. Guys, I'm worried it's Thursday and Rib Guy hasn't shown up. It's getting to about six.

Do you think he's eating ribs somewhere else? Oh, no. I can't imagine. I don't want to think about that. Oh, God, no. He wouldn't. He's eating ribs at the New City Buffet in heaven. So I'm sure this is going to be funny.

A bulimia woman was a petite Asian woman, probably in her 40s, who came in every Sunday and ate anything and everything. Salad, bread, ham, pizza, cheesecake, ice cream. Anything we put out, she'd have at least one serving. She piled plates beyond what we thought were the max capacity and usually had eight to ten plates. But she would also have to make at least three trips to the restroom every visit. Okay, I don't think that she's very good at being

bulimic. I don't think it really works quite that cleanly, does it? I think she's super good at being bulimic. Okay, you're right. You don't get called a bulimia woman for nothing. She's the

fucking best at being bulimic. She swallowed those one bathrobes. She is the fucking best at being Were they counting the bathroom visits? One bathroom visit! And then Skip to Within the hour Wow okay Within the hour it was pandemonium

Line out the door and around the corner One guy in the dish room washing every dish by hand. Okay, just to clarify. Yeah, that's way too hard to skip. This is a specific story. That's the middle of a different story. I want to point out that at the end of the bulimia person thing, he was like, I'm sorry I never intervened with her bulimia.

Dude at restaurant. But rib guy killing himself. Dude at restaurant. But rib guy killing himself. That's fine. What are you going to do? Tell him not to eat there? Fuck you. I'll get my ribs elsewhere, asshole.

Rib guy is putting me through college. Am I going to read half of the story? Is that... So, uh am i gonna read half of the story is that so um hey uh serious question okay i have a serious serious question for you okay okay okay okay what is the creepiest most unexplained thing that has ever happened to you? Okay. And it says serious in brackets.

Okay? Okay. I'm too scared. All right, great. No, I'm too scared. Okay. Well, okay. Frank, Frank, Frank, you're throwaway and then a bunch of numbers.

You're a lot of numbers after throwaway. Throwaway 1134206. Oh, God, is that how many throwaway accounts are in Reddit? At this point, yeah. What do you got? It's still happening. Oh, God. There's this visual illusion you can...

You can't see, I've got like a flashlight Under my eye It comes through I can hear it I can hear it too There's this visual illusion you can induce Called the strange face Phenomenon The long and short of it is this

If you stare at your face In the mirror in dim light Your reflection will warp. Some people see face swaps or melting. Okay. Some people use Instagram. And this has been happening to you for months? Right.

Or enlarged features. Have you always had just taken mushrooms yesterday? Like, is that always your state? Well, yes, but I don't see how that's relevant. Oh, never mind. It's not relevant at all. That's a different person. We're talking about mirrors here. Yeah.

Many people, to quote what I've read on the matter, see fantastic or demonic imagery. I fall into that last category. But the weird bit is that I see something else in my periphery. Gasp. This big black figure with red, red eyes.

Oh no, Terry Crews with Halloween lenses. And he yells, Explosion! You're not supposed to see anything else. I haven't found any stories of people who have an expanded illusion, as it were. And now I'm seeing it more, too. Normally it requires focus to induce the illusion, but I don't have to force it anymore. I catch it when I shut off the TV or in the glare on a window.

The problem is that if you break focus, the illusion ends and I can never get a good look at it. I've had my head checked, seen a shrink, I'm not psychotic, and there's nothing wrong with my brain. Is that what the therapist told you?

It's usually what they say. Counterpoint. There's something wrong with your brain. Oh. There's something wrong with your brain. We found nothing wrong with your brain. Or you're just a really good storyteller. Nope. Yeah, real good. Really good.

No professional of any sort would ever say, there's nothing wrong with your brain. And thus ends this meeting of the Midnight Society. I'm not allowed to say this, but there's nothing wrong with your brain. And thus ends this meeting of the Midnight Society. I'm not allowed to say this, but there's nothing wrong with your brain. This is a breach of protocol, but you're the sanest person in the world. The hand of an x-ray and it just says, good brain. It's an empty sheet of paper. This is Donald Trump's doctor.

Man, that guy's got a cool mug. I'm losing sleep on the matter. Losing focus. It fucking sucks and I can't find any information. So for once, Reddit was actually kind of helpful and the top comment below that is, worth looking into a carbon monoxide detector?

Why? They're so loud. All right. This is some more spooky stuff. Adam, would you like to take the post by TrexFighterPilot who was taking his first vacation since he had moved to Texas? Or, would you like to take the post

by SpookyThrowaway241 who cross-posted this into our paranormal? That was for Adam. Oh, Sp spooky something. What's his name? Spooky numbers? SpookyThrowaway241. There's 241 SpookyThrowaways?

SpookyThrowaways. There's a lot of throwaway accounts. And no one knows what happened to them. It's your boy, SpookyThrowaway. Alright, so... I love the idea that somebody's just like, ooh, okay, I can't. It's a creepy thing. I can't use my real account.

I just want to say. I don't want to scare everybody I come across. The one that you didn't choose, Trex Fighter Pilot. I think you chose correctly. You did choose correctly. But the one that you didn't choose, Trex Fighter Pilot, he closed his post with, pics because it didn't happen, colon,

spoopy, TLDR, Slenderman is real, but he has tiny hands. There's a lot to unpack in that. There sure is. My name is SpookyThrowaway2341. Yep. I posted this in r slash paranormal about a month ago I grew up in an old house in the middle of nowhere there's a stream that runs by the house

in an old deciduous forest that kind of wraps around one side and down the back my parents and my mam still lives there my parents are now in the forest Some land Behind the place that goes into the forest

On the other side Is a planted forest with less than 40 foot trees Greater than 40 foot trees With alligator mouth 40 foot trees The other side of the road that the house used to service as a staging post-type deal,

a place where you could get supplies before you head north into the wilderness, or a bed and wash on your way south. This place is old. I think the building is about 300 years old, maybe. Maybe. My parents bought the place from an old lady

in the late 80s. My dad is a builder and he tore down the back wall facing the forest, rebuilt it in a modern brick, and used the reclaimed stone to build an extension which had a living room and a kitchen in it. So now, that's out of the way. That forest

is horrible. Coming from rural Scotland, I've spent plenty of time in the woods. There's a feeling you get when everything just goes quiet, and you can just get this feeling that you shouldn't be there. That's all the time from this place. My ma'am has

fenced off half the area because she doesn't want to even go there. Weird stuff used to happen all the time. Okay, yeah. So don't, I mean, maybe you could cite an example? Things would move in the kitchen. Yeah. Or living room.

Okay. But never anywhere else. Oh my God, things. Every time I put something in the microwave, it turned around in a circle. There was this cat that kept walking around. At night, you'd hear glasses clink together, or you'd hear something being slid on the counter, etc. You'd get up in the morning,

and things would just be slightly moved. So the ghosts are having an elegant party? They're like, they're just like, can you, let's just move that right there. Okay. Ooh! I thought I saw someone walk past the door once.

Oh yeah? But I can't be sure. I never saw anything directly. Nothing particularly weird. My parents divorced. I moved out about 10 years ago. I started having dreams about the house. Maybe once a month I'll have the same dream. I'm standing in the kitchen and I'm looking out the window at the forest.

I'm a grown man as I am now, but the house is the same as it was made for maybe 20 years ago can you can you just remind rewind the sentence i'm a grown man as i am now no no no i want to hear that i want to hear it okay let's bring it back to me i am i am a grown man as i am now but the house is but the house is the same as it was maybe 20 years ago. In the present, present, and present, I am a grown man. In my dream, I am me.

But houses don't grow. Only man. There's some very distinctive things that I remember from when I was a kid. Every time I had one of these dreams, it would bother me. I don't remember them. Oh was a kid. Every time I had one of these dreams, it would bother me. I don't remember them. Oh, thank God. And these are

extremely vivid and clear. Wait, what? I vividly can't remember. Every time I had one of these dreams, it would bother me. I don't remember them, and these are extremely vivid and clear. Oh, it was too rememberable. I forgot it. Then about a month ago,

I had another dream. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, yay. Oh, good. I'm down at the edge of the forest and there's someone in a dark red hood slash cape thing. I don't see a face or anything

just that close. This is a dream. This is just a fucking discrete dream description. Please go to the next paragraph. No. There's gorillas in the red cloak. And then he's there.

And then I get distracted. And then it was on my phone. And then... And then I remember it really well, but I forgot. Okay, cool. That's great. Anyway, a week or so later, I went to see my dad. I brought up that i visited my ma'am and the house still gives me the creeps and you know what's weird i dream about the place

a lot that my dad says and my dad says to me huh that's strange for about the last 10 years i've been having dreams about the place too. I'm standing in the kitchen and looking out the window, and then I look down, and there's no floor. And then, that's about ten years ago, and then I think I can hear forest spirits, and then I think it's kind of like paranormal. You're watching the

Amityville boring. And then it's kind of strange, and it's been weird, and it's a coincidence. Oh, do you have an update? yeah I have an update nothing happened what needs to be updated

I've been working away a lot and now my ma'am is away so I haven't been over there I probably think about going down there every day though I'm back to having the original dream where I'm just standing in the kitchen, but it's been a lot more frequent than before. It was about a month now.

Now it's maybe every couple of days. A few times I've woken up with a knot in my belly, and I want to drive over there and go into the forest immediately, but my wife has talked me out of it. I don't remember any particular dream about those occasions, just the weird feeling when I wake up. I don't think it's a good idea to go down there. The best case scenario is that I'll only disturb the badgers and elves,

and the worst case is that I'll get eaten alive. By a banshee. eaten alive by a banshee. So a couple of fun facts about this post. Yeah, what's that? I have a few more dreams I can tell you about. No, you don't. You in fact deleted this post. You also got exactly one upvote.

Oh, that's nice. The banshee upvoted me. One point. That was a good idea. You delete it so that the banshee upvoted me. Get your one point. That was a good idea. You delete it so that the banshee can no longer track you. Maybe the banshee got him and his Reddit account. Do we ever think about that? He could be gone and eaten alive.

Good. Good. Good. He won't be boring anybody else about his dreams anymore. Or his dad's dreams, for that matter. Mustard Corn Dog 69 says, Please share drawings! And then The Scum also rises and said,

Come on, you know better than to think that'll ever happen. Teasing something and then never responding is a hallmark of Reddit. And then Mustard CornornDog says, My naive heart can still hope! Aw, MustardCornDog69. I really want a drawing of something you can't remember! Of a red cloak in a fight

in the woods. My dad did some home renovations. What does your kitchen look like now? No! Hold on. Well, before we move, the last response to this man is from Dinomer.

Yeah. If you are serious about your post, I would strongly advise against going there. When I was a child, I lived in a house similar to yours. It was nearly 300 years old, and an old lady lived before in it It was somehow haunted Somehow, okay

At least it made weird noises And the old lady told us there was an Anne house ghost wandering around Oh, it's just a house ghost An house ghost The backyard ghost stays in the backyard The house ghost is in the house The toilet ghost stays in the backyard The house ghost is in the house Now I keep dreaming

The toilet ghost keeps everything spotless Now I kept dreaming for at least ten years About that house And I remember waking up feeling with a knot in my belly And feelings of dread and anxiety Okay, I'm sorry Just one more time I like that sentence.

I like that sentence. One more time? I kept dreaming for at least ten years about that house, and I remember waking up feeling with a knot in my belly and feelings of dread and anxiety. Great, thank you, thank you. Thank you. I'm better having heard that twice. I'm in my

dreams. I never escaped the house. A part of me. My ethereal being don't know seem to be trapped in that house and no matter what i did in real life i was still trapped there it started to feel like my real life was a dream and in reality i was still there in that old house with creepy things can't describe them but like miniature deformed werewolves. God damn it! I'm listening to her dream again. God damn it!

I finally got rid of that house in my dreams when I burnt it down. I was so tired of all that going on that I decided to burn it down in my dreams. Oh, cool. Cool, cool, cool. I knew that I couldn't escape from there there so the fire will kill me as well as burn the house down if your house dies in a dream it dies in real life yeah oh wow it's like it's like fire starter in that i'm bored of this too i have this problem when people tell me their dreams and like also when like we read dreams on this podcast is like i'll zone out and then they'll

i'll start listening again and they're just saying utter nonsense and I'm like, what's wrong with you? Are you sick? What were we just talking about? You should get your psychiatrist license, Adam. I think it's your calling. Yeah, yeah.

So, F+, what did we learn from this episode? Come on. We obviously learned things. I mean, it's very informative. We asked Reddit. Is it over? Reddit gave answers. Yeah, it's over.

Yep. It happened. Okay. Well, I've been looking at the topic, not safe for guys of Reddit, where do you come so it does not stink up your room? That's what I've learned. Where could you possibly come?

Why does it stink? Actually, there's... Is there an answer to that? It usually doesn't. The thread I'm looking at is to people who send news to people on the internet. What are some tasty recipes that can be prepared in under 30 minutes? Okay, okay.

Another thing from the Ask Reddit right now is what was your I've peaked moment? And the top response, as voted by members of Reddit, are, I worked at a grocery store when I was 18. Oh. It's all down there. Oh, boy. All right. Good God.

Pasta sauces. The website, as always, TH thfbl.us uh if you haven't uh seen the uh recordings of uh our most recent f plus live uh you should probably get to that because it's special um you probably will have mostly heard them well you know it's i don't know I don't know I don't know but yeah anything else you want to add Adam what do you got to say do I have anything to add yeah do you have anything to add add a thing

add a thing now I am just too busy looking at why people have been banned from certain places and why on Reddit. And I'm just engrossed in it. A lot of people can't go back to Club Penguin.

Sign up for a Ball Pit account and also buy merch. Bye! Bye! Thank you. Bye and thank you. Bye. Spend. Thank you Bye and thank you Bye spend I'm still puzzled by the where do you come so it doesn't stink up your room. Like the assumption is like, well, I got to leave it in my room somewhere. I tried coming to not clean up.

I've tried the carpet. I've tried the window. I came on the floor. I came on the window. I came on myself and that didn't, because I don't bathe. As usual, I end a recording feeling mystified by cum. I came into the humidifier. It was the worst.

I don't get why men are so mystified by their own cum.