The F Plus - 263: Not Always On Topic

Episode Date: October 2, 2017

Previous subject notalwaysright.com (which titles itself as "Not Always Right - Funny & True Stores") has sections other than the one where cashiers totally own customers and then everyone applauds afterwards. In this episode, we look at Not Always Romantic, allegedly true and allgedly funny stories about couples being really adorable together. It is absolutely dreadful, so we talk about other things instead. This week, The F Plus has to leave if you say the word "period".

There's nothing that gives me more anxiety than this. It's so tense. Yeah. I knew it would give you actual... I figured it would give you actual anxiety boost, so... I didn't actually fuck it up. I can almost feel, like, the eyes shifting from left to right in, like, kind of a Mexican standoff.

A bead of sweat down the forehead. That's all right. This is the F+, an innovative and remarkable place to listen to the F+. It's terrible things, right? With enthusiasm. In the room tonight, we have Boots Rangier. I'm the world's most dull twit. Isn't that interesting? John Toast.

By the way, I downloaded Troll Soundtrack in case you want to put it on your phone. Yes, Vahan. This is my voice. This is how it sounds. Nutshell Gulag. The girlfriend tax. It's what he pays to make me love him. Poor tax. Is Scarab of Things dead with entombsiasm?

And Lemon. My boyfriend is working in the study as I'm coming out of the bathroom. I enter the study completely naked and I stand behind him. Hi! I'm a distraction! Hey, F+. Hello, little guy. Whoa, I scared two of you. I'm so sorry. What were you doing when I

snuck up on you there? Oh, I was just, you know, dreamily staring off into the middle distance thinking about my sweetheart. That's nice. Tell me... Hey, Esfahan, tell me about your girl. Oh, well, she's super hot and famous and rich. And lives in a mansion and wants sex all the time. And I have a story to prove it.

So, how are her standards? I don't want to go down that rabbit hole with her. I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. She's super into boring. Oh, he's so responsible. And disciplined. His carpet he's so responsible. And disciplined.

His carpet is a reasonable color. She really likes a guy who's the default character in any RPG, sort of. It is I, default slider man, yes. Well, yeah, so for

this episode, I wanted to talk to y'all about love. Because love is nice. Isn't it? Yeah. Finally somebody had the courage to say it. You should write a song about it. So to that end, we're going to be going to a place that celebrates love

and it is called not always romantic but it's actually oh it's actually just not always right well sort of except for it actually is not always romantic like that'll that'll i mean it's part of that network but the not always right network uh has a couple of sections um where people tell very very true stories about themselves and things that they do. There's like not always working and not always related and not always learning. We are going to be looking at

a document today and that document is about Not Always Romantic, provided to us by Dons Walker, and thank you so very much for that. And yes, so this is, well, just real stories. You know, like sometimes when you're hanging out with a couple and you get those stories of how they met,

and then they go on for like 16 or 17 minutes, and then you have to pretend it's still the intro. Oh, and then what? Oh, and you didn't know it's still the intro. Oh, and then what? Oh, and you didn't know if you liked each other. Whoa, this is still going. That's great. You know what, Lemon? You know what my wife and I like to do whenever we talk about how we met?

We like to act it out. Good! Well, that is comforting because our love grew like a blossoming tree. We're going to be starting off with a romantic story, a romantic story from St. Louis Obispo in California, and it is called Gaining Sexperience Points Part 3. In medias res. Oh, this episode's going to hurt.

Do I need to have read part one and two to get the context story? We assume that you have. A new lack of hope. Maybe the first two were like, they were level, sexperience level one and two, and this is sexperience level three. All right. So, yeah, let's get started here. Blue wizard needs sex badly. Sorry.

So, Portex, you are going to be the lead here. Me, you're going to be me. I'm going to be me. And then Isfahan, you are boyfriend. Boyfriend, okay. What about the narration? Is that also meaningful? Oh, yes.

Well, I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, and I take daily medication for it. I keep a bottle of pills at my boyfriend's house for nights possessive that I spend them. This conversation occurs over text at the end of a week in which I've forgotten to take my medication every night that I've spent at his place. Boy, that was a fun week! Now we know what parts one and two were.

Just the A key caps lock. Just, uh, it's all me. Let it be known that henceforth and forevermore, you, boyfriend, shall be in charge of ensuring that I, my name, have taken my anxiety meds prior to becoming superiorly unconscious on such nights as I slumber in your abode. Boy, slumber in your abode.

Okay. Do you accept this responsibility? I'm a lady. Oh! This is pleasing! You have spared yourself the wrath of the girlfriend,

earned 500 experience, and unlocked the ability Bounty. This is a daily power that enables you to receive a free kiss upon reminding the girlfriend to take her meds. Should she complain,

you make an immediate interrupt for a second kiss. If the girlfriend remembers on her own, the kiss for reminding her is forfeit. However, you may request a kiss with a DC of 7. You must tap three blue lands to kiss. Is this a check that I can take 20 on?

The maximum modifier you may have on this check is 3. Currently, your modifier is zero. You must spend points in that category for a higher modifier. Did Andrew Lloyd Webber have children? What are you? Alright,

time to go to the relationship nexus and look up the breakup mod. You know, what attribute point do I need to increase to get to a plus three? It's over, right? Is it over? Oh, good. Okay, cool. It's over.

So the fun thing about this is at the bottom it says, it has related gaining six experience points part two and gaining six experience points and uh because the site isn't very good when you click on those it gives you a different yeah yeah yeah um yeah so uh so we're going to move on to uh another story here it is called not quite married to the idea umutshell, you're going to be playing the role of me. And Boots, you're going to be playing the role of customer. Okay? Oh, good. Fantastic. Here we go. So I'm in my 20s,

female and single. This is very odd in our small town, as most girls marry fairly young. Occasionally, customers comment on it. I don't mind too much, as I've been burned in past relationships, so I know I'm a little picky when it comes to guys. Then, there's this regular customer.

Hi, customer. How are you? Well, I'm just fine, young lady. How are you? How's the wedding planning going? Oh, I'm not getting married. You must have mistaken me with someone else. But why aren't you? What the hell?

What? The hell? I just haven't found the right guy yet. You should get married. It's a disgrace the way you young girls hold out nowadays. Wait, why did you think I was

planning a wedding again? Can we go back to that? It's a disgrace! Don't you want to get a man? Start hitting him with like your purse. Well, sure. Once I find the right one. You and co-worker number one over there. She was engaged last year, and now she's not.

That's what's on her name tag. What sort of business is this? I don't know. It's customer business. Oh, okay, no, Hobby Lobby, that totally makes sense. Yeah, actually, okay. No, Hobby Lobby, that totally makes sense. Yeah, actually. Yeah. How are you two as old as you are

and aren't married? To each other? This is actually a progressive. The co-worker in question, by the way, is in her early 20s. Um, I really don't think I should comment on her personal life. Find a man! I'll do my best.

Sure. The customer exits. The co-worker in question walks over to me. John. Oh, wait. Sarcastically. Right. Because being married to a fuck is way better than being single. This town, I swear.

So, I just want to point out that at no point in the story did the customer buy or receive any sort of product. That was an unspoken implication. You know, with the setup of it and the conversation, I felt like it was going to break into a musical number at any point. What you should do is find a man! It's this weird, like, comedy spinoff of Handmaid's Tale. It's really weird.

The Handmaid's Tale Funny Edition! Exactly! Exactly! So, we have read, you know, a couple of stories from Not Always Romantic and that means that it's time for Big Bang Theory

this story Zimbabwe this story is called Married to Sheldon Cooper Part 16 oh god Part 16 they're so relatable guys right Oh, God. Wow. Part 16. They're so relatable, guys, right?

Yeah. Can we actually superimpose a laugh track into this one, too? All right. So, Support Text, you're going to be the husband, and John Toast, you're going to be the wife. Here we go. I'm the idiot. I'm the idiot in this one. My family often jokes that I'm a true cat person. Meow. I'm the idiot in this one. My family often jokes that I'm a true cat person. Not just that I like them, but that I'm neurotic like a cat as well.

They do love their routine and tend to get upset with changes. Now, my husband and I have a simple evening routine during the week. He gets ready for bed while I take care of the cats. Then I get ready for bed and join him in the bedroom. Mm. Uh-huh. That's profound. Fucking wow!

Fucking wow is our thing! Sometimes we even brush our teeth. The timing usually works out perfectly for me to just head into the bathroom once the cats are fed. Wow! This night, however... Without even looking, opens bathroom door. I'm not done yet.

Stares unbelievingly, but you're supposed to be in the bedroom by now. I know, I'm dawdling a bit. I'll be out in a minute. But you're not supposed to be in there anymore. I'm so patient, dear. I'll just sit down and wait a minute. Then it'll all be as usual.

That's a weird way to phrase that. You don't understand. We have a routine. You didn't follow the routine. Sighs and closes bathroom door in my face. Routine. Wow. This commercial sucks.

There's stuff after this. Yeah, there's a post-it, but it is boring. Oh, it's boring, unlike the rounder. What really made my husband break in hysterics was when he was done, he thoughtfully left the bathroom light on for me, only to enter

the room on autopilot and promptly push the light switch leaving me in bitch darkness i'm sure glad he puts up with my weird ways oh you know what happened after that the cat went the other way that wasn't routine i like to think that he broke into hysterics in like the in like the way like an way an 1800s doctor would prescribe to a woman. Just give him loud and he'll be okay. All right. So what did you think of that? Did you like that one?

That one wasn't annoying. It was pretty romantic. It was pretty romantic. It was pretty routine. Okay, terrific. So nutshell, you're going to be the boyfriend. And Boots Ringer, you're going to be me. Which one? Sorry.

Nutshell, you are the boyfriend. The wedding vow of Mordor? Yes, yes. And Boots, you are me. And this is the wedding vow of Mordor. Yay! Oh, God. This is tagged boyfriend slash girlfriend Chicagoago geeks rule in illinois usa

at least we know she put a ring on it romantic my boyfriend and i are at the wedding of a couple we're good friends with it's worth noting that all four of us are huge nerds and the couple have vowed to have the geekiest wedding ever. That's a previous episode. We got a couple talks of competition. I was about to say, it's a tight race on that one. While we're

waiting for the ceremony to start, boyfriend is reading through the program. Procession? Vows? Wait! Wingwarming? What's that? No idea. Passing the wedding rings through the flame of a unity candle or something? What?

To reveal the elvish inscription and determine if you accidentally choose an evil, cursed wedding band to rule them all? Rings! Rings are in a piece of pop culture! Well, with bride and groom,

it's totally a possibility. The end! That's the whole thing. This troper once went to a wedding and... I hope Apple may invite me to stuff. That is it! thing. This troper once went to a wedding and... I have people invite me to stuff. That is it! I mean, it's not worth reading, but

the ending of that is basically the ring warming is they pass around the rings and people think they're nice thoughts into them. Yeah, it's a pagan-y kind of thing, but yeah, we saw rings and we remembered that Lord of the Rings

also has rings. Anyway, so that was fun. We're gonna instead be moving on to Here We Poke Go Again, Part 8. Part 8? Yeah, Part 8. Here We Pokemon Go Again, Part 8.

Okay, so Isfahanahan you are man yes i am you are man and portex you are me all right fantastic here we go i'm at a bar with my husband and that we go to a few times a month i'm casually playing pokemon Go on my cell phone, which is something both of us enjoy doing together from time to time. I'm 32. An older man I've never seen before comes up. Sits down at a stool beside me and notices what I'm doing. Oh my god, are you

playing that stupid Pokemon thing? Yep, sure am! At this point, I snort and roll my eyes condescendingly. How old are you? This is me not looking up, by the way. Old enough not to give a fuck about what some rude random thinks I should be doing in my spare time.

Both my husband and the bartender burst out laughing and the man looks flustered and angry but scooted down a stool away from me and didn't say anything else the bartender wait wait the bartender even gave me my next round on the house now that's a not always right story yeah yeah we got married at gamestop yeah yeah we got married at gamestop so uh so perhaps i was wrong about pokemon go all along no weird there's no comments on this one by the way that was sam elliott's best performance we're going from there to here we pokemon here we pokemon go again part nine great oh here yeah yeah Yeah, exactly. So I guess John Toshi is going to be the boyfriend here.

The boytender. I've only been dating my boyfriend for a year, but we are very close and tentatively planning our future together. We also love Pokemon Go. While out on a walk, he hatches an egg.

That means he gets a completely random Pokemon. Hey, if this is a Charmander, will you marry me? Oh, this is how it's gonna be, huh? Alright, go ahead. Oh, the egg

hatches and pops out a Charmander! I crack up laughing while my boyfriend has a stunned but happy look on his face. So? What? I'm me. Your boyfriend, I'm me. I forgot, I'm sorry. Your boyfriend, me Tarzan.

I get us confused sometimes. We look the same. So, boyfriend. I get us confused sometimes. We look the same. So when's the wedding? We are not quite there yet, but after a one in one hundred chance, at least Nintendo approves of us. Pretty cool, huh?

That wasn't a Daryl. That wasn't the Daryl! Hey Boots, you're Bethany Liefiljik? You're Bethany Liefiljik in the comments there? Bethany, yeah. I found a shiny love disc in Y while a female friend was sitting

next to me. And then, Isfahan, your name is blah, blah, blah. Isn't it a one in 150 chance? Eggs only hatch baby slash no evolution Pokemon? So no Charizard, Blastoise, Venusaur, Eeveelutions, etc. And then, like, a long conversation about what Pokemon are now

available in Pokemon Go. I like that Not Always Right can have a story where it's like, I killed every jock in the world, and every GameStop made me their emperor, and everybody's like, yeah, cool, but this is like, wait, Pokemon Go, I know this. This is bullshit. Wait a minute, people are here on Not Always Right just making stuff up

When did that start? Alright Okay, next one here This is called bra Brass, oh that doesn't work at all Nope, doesn't They're going for brace but like bra C-E, bra C-E

Brace, just doesn't really anyway bra CE yourself for non-excitement oh I did that at the start of the episode oh bra CE oh gonna bring things down for a bit that's nice alright so uh

Isfahan you're gonna be the husband and Butch you're gonna be me okay yeah I have just gotten home from work and haven't changed yet in writing this blog post right now, I suppose. I pull my shirt up so my husband can see my bra. Ooh.

He really doesn't respond. So a moment later, smiley face. Hey. Did you even see what bra I have on? Without looking up, yeah. The super lacy, fancy one that make your boobs look big. Do you want to know why I'm wearing the super fancy one to work? I guess, is it because you didn't have any others to wear today

why is that the first thing you think of I mean you're right all my others are in the wash but still I trust you too much to think of anything else clearly the first mistake was

showing off her tits to George Takei. He's not going to give a shit. Hey, Boots, in the sound effect bot, can we add the lasagna cat laugh track, because we really need it there. That one. Yeah. Yeah, another,

yeah, just, yeah, like, so then Jenny Selvin says, wait, did you want your husband to accuse you of cheating? And then Dante V. Winter says, I never understand wanting your spouse to get jealous. And then fights. And then fight. And then, okay, so Portax, you are the husband, and John, you are

the wife. Alright, here we go. This one is called, it's from Melbourne in Australia, and it is called Better Have a Big Fat Apology Part 10. I don't know what these parts are about, but

I'm sure that they're all very romantic. Anyway, my husband has just come home from work, and I'm finishing making dinner, just waiting for the food to simmer a little bit longer. We're being a bit silly as we haven't seen each other all day. We start touching random body parts seen each other all day we start touching random

body parts of each other while trying to dodge oh no my elbow oh no my spork well i spent my afternoon on this random number generator i'll see this i i lemon i think it's like a it's almost like an uh themed anthology like creep showepshow. Oh, that's nice. Okay. Yeah. I'll subscribe. I mean, is it like the early Tales from the Crypt episodes or like the later ones? Well, seeing as how everybody's trying so hard to be funny but failing miserably, I

think it just runs throughout the entire run of Tales from the Crypt. run of Tales from the Crypt. Wouldn't that be great, by the way, if actually the Crypt Keeper was the main character in all of those horror stories? Oh, that would be so good. And he was always in mortal peril making shitty puns.

No, he was like... Or at least he had a Stan Lee cameo in all the stories. I would legit appreciate that, actually. He's just the guy taking their order at the McDonald's or whatever, and nobody calls attention to it. This pendulum is the pits! Thanks for coming to GameStop! HBO, call us.

Yeah, we'll reboot that shit. Got your elbow. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right, that. I hadn't read ahead. Holy shit. We're inventing our own much funnier script. Holy shit, just kidding.

Sorry. Got your boobs. Got your head. Got your head. Got your, uh, love handles. I should note that he's touching my hip bones. And not the actual handles I have installed on my forehead.

I'm frowning. Love handles? Uh, um, yeah? Love handles are fat, husband. No, no, no, no, no. Not what I meant.

No, no. Love handles are the fat on your side that people use as handles to grab onto because they're soft and flat. No, no, no. Go eat your dinner. Thank you all. I love you very much. I'm sorry.

Yay! What a great story! Can we go back to our Crypt Keeper workshop? Okay, so back to Crypt Keeper. I pictured that whole time that was going on, like, we as the players were waiting in the wings. This introduction's going on way too long. So the idea I like for the Crypt Keeper cameo thing

is that if somebody opens a fridge, he's just in there but nobody notices or mentions it yes, exactly nobody ever acknowledges his existence well, I'll catch my death as cold in here

right, and he makes a joke about the situation but nobody responds to it this gives me the chills That would be amazing It's like We're not gonna let you forget about that little Fucking guy, even while you're watching the The skits

The vignettes Oh man, who do we cast? Who is the Crypt Keeper? Whoever can come up with the most puns No, but like Is it a Muppet? Do we get a Muppet, or do we... Yeah, I gotta have a puppet. Okay, I was gonna say sock puppet, or actual... Patton Oswalt would do the voice.

He would. That would be fun. I was thinking, instead of... I mean, this is just a thought, but instead of the Muppet, it would be one of those The Share Zone skeletons that's just implanted in there. And you always see the stage hand picking up the wrist, moving

the arm around, coming from offscreen. It's still got the Spirit Halloween store tag on the wrist. And any time the skeleton has to turn its head, a hand comes up from under frame and slowly turns the head. And then retreats before saying the line. You want kitsch?

We got kitsch for you, motherfucker. All the research says you fucking idiots like this. This story is called Periodically Interrupted Again. By the way, we're still doing an episode. No, are we? That's true. We've become every other podcast in the universe.

We're on the verge of starting to talk about green jello again. So this one's called Periodically Interrupted Again. It's tied to Atlanta, Georgia, marriage and partners. I think, Boots, you're me, and Nutshell, Georgia, marriage and partners. Um, I think, uh, boots, you're me and nutshell.

You are husband, please. All right. Terrific. Uh, I am the author of this story in which my female friends and family members and I will suddenly start talking about periods when a man is around to make them leave. When we want privacy, I am on the phone with a close relative

in another state about time-sensitive travel plans and my husband keeps interrupting with things unrelated worse when i ask him to give me a few minutes on the phone he starts pantomiming stuff that he wants to say all right so just just so you know i'm miming a phone with my pinky and my thumb for this. I can tell. Okay. So, husband and I are thinking about trying to have a baby. I haven't had a period in years since having the IUD put in. But if I have it removed, that will start up.

Gives me a funny look, walks out. Still into my mime phone. So sorry about that, Han. We finish our conversation, hang up, and I go to find husband, which I read first. I read on first blushes, I go to find a husband.

This one isn't in brackets, so it's just like caveman speak. It's a code, isn't it? I didn't really catch it when it was you and sis, but you start talking about really private stuff when you are trying to get

rid of me. Ah. Ah. Good. Cut print. What gave me away? Ha! Ha ha ha ha!

You were talking about your period, but I couldn't hear a relative. Your medical stuff is never an issue for me to talk about it, but it just clicked that I hear about periods in your conversations with other people way more than in conversations we have. So, unless it's something... Your medical stuff is never

an issue for me to talk about, but if you hear the word period, you turn on heel and fucking beat cheeks out of the room. You are out. The very concept of ovaries. And you need to be in another room to separate yourself from that idea.

No, dude, if you hear about a period too long, your genitals detach and walk off on your balls. Is that true? Yeah, I heard that was true. I didn't even believe it. You start bleeding. That's happened to every man who's listened to about periods for like 10 minutes. Oh my god, that makes sense. You know, that happened to me.

I just assumed it was unrelated. That's why Dave Foley never came back. Yeah! I can't... She's in America talking about periods. I have to stay in Canada. That is a multi-layered joke. Alright.

So, unless it's something urgent, will you stop interrupting when I'm on the phone or having to talk to someone? But what if I forget what I was going to say? Write it down. That makes a lot

of sense, actually. And it means I'll never ever have to hear about your sister's period or your mother's or any other relative or friend's unless they're having some sort of medical problem

or something. Exactly. Deal! This sounds like a bloody good time! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee the woman doesn't always see what the men sees that's a little too clever i like the flow of that joke there we go that's more on point there's gonna be a lot of people listening to this podcast that have no idea what any of this is i didn't even think about that when did that go off the air okay

you probably googled it at this point if you don't know so i'm all the tales from the crypt I didn't even think about that. When did that go off the air? Okay. There was a HBO show. You probably Googled it at this point if you don't know, so I'm all spared of that. The Tales from the Crypt writer's room is the only place you can get kicked out of for being too funny. What are you trying to show us all up, you jerk? That's not nearly stupid enough. Pack your bags, Timmy. Yeah, Tales from the Crypt ran from 1989 to 1996. Jesus.

Okay. Yeah. Very, very good time with jokes. Well done, all of us. Anyway, so this one is called cannibalizing. What's left of this date? Come on. We're not going to talk about tails of the crypt anymore.

So support text. Who do you want to go on a date with? Who do I want to go on a date with? I want to go on a date with Nutshell. You want to go on a date with? Who do I want to go on a date with? I want to go on a date with Nutshell. You want to go on a date with Nutshell? Terrific. Okay, fantastic. I've been waiting for this for so long, Support Tax.

It's going to be really disappointing. Please do not. All right. So, uh, so here we go. This is called Cannibalizing What's Left of This Date. And I am a very shy girl who doesn't go on many dates. But after almost two years, a cute boy from my college asked me out, and I say yes. Being shy with strange interests, I try to relate to him and make conversation, but find it much easier to just let him talk about himself.

Reddit has taught you well, lady. Be hot. Talk about things. Don't talk about things. Get the meat and cheese out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The evening is fine until we are leaving the restaurant and pass a mural. Oh, I know that person.

That's famous spirit in folklore. So, do you, uh, do you like ghosts and stuff? What kind of stuff do you watch? Oh, I like horror video games, but most of my interests are in folklore and just general research and that sort of thing.

Oh, we talk about ghosts and horror as we walk down the road, and at some point, we switch to murderers. Wow. But then... Do you want to come back to my place? We can watch some anime and drink wine. Yes! Best night ever! Hell yeah! Do you want to come back to my place? We can watch some anime and drink wine. Yes! Hell yeah! Best night ever! Hell yeah!

I told you this help a date was going to work out in the chill. Anime, wine, and conversations about Jeffrey Dahmer. Time for some Box Chablis and Mob Psycho 100. Yeah! I'm thinking he's kidding. Asking a girl to your house on the first date after talking about cannibalism? Are you trying to be Jeffrey Dummer? Who?

You don't know. He was a serial murderer and a cannibal who would pick up dates in the bar and then bring them home to sleep with them. But afterwards, he killed them. Oh, gross! So anyway, I want to come to my place. We don't have to go to class tomorrow. You can stay the night, and things can go slow.

What a big swinging dick this guy is. I am now alarmed, and I'm uncomfortable and a little afraid due to his segue, as well as his foreignness on the first date, so I make excuses about work and hurry to my car. Whoa! Whoa! Your... What? Yeah. Okay, okay, okay.

I had a great night! Holds my forearms in a gentle but firm grip. Are you sure you can't come over? He spoke in a loud but quiet voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gentle, gentle but firm. Well, like, it's cartoonishly, like, stretching her arm as she's, yeah, yeah. Gentle, gentle but firm.

Well, like, it's cartoonishly, like, stretching her arm as she's, like, getting away from him, so he's very far away, actually, while he's holding her arm. Has that violin sound effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I nod, subtly trying to pull away. Alright! He slips his

hand on my neck and tries to kiss me. I keep my face down and pull away. He looks surprised and then kisses my forehead. Don't worry, I won't force you. Jesus. Now, sure, he won't get a second date. I gave a wry smile and got into my car, driving away as fast as the speed limit would let me. He chased me.

Look, Terminator 2 style. And when I opened the door, the thumping noise was the severed hook hanging from the car handle! And he wanted me to come inside for some boxed wine and video games! He was a kidney in a cooler. Wait, oh, wait.

Welcome to the world of AIDS! I'm not sure if this was normal date behavior, but in my book, you shouldn't ask your date to your apartment on the first date. What? What? Especially after you've been talking about murderers who eat their dates. Didn't you bring that up? I brought it up.

You brought it up. God, what a weirdo. Like, I mean, okay, so yeah, I mean, genuinely, according to your story, like, he got creepy and handsy at the end. So, I mean, fair enough. But I'm confused that, like, you were on a date, and then he was like, oh, want to go to mine? You're like, what the fuck? How could you ask me that? I thought you just wanted to talk about women being murdered.

When I brought up that guy, and I knew he wasn't the right one for me I will give the story something though There was some sort of material to work with That's true Not in the main side of a story Almost Not exactly but close Not always a story

So this is a short one. Isfahan, I would like you to play both roles, please. Okay. Fantastic. And we're going to swing yourself off your feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just play with yourself over there and we'll listen. This is called Mrs. Pac-Man Has Other Appetites.

My boyfriend is easily distracted by his phone, cat, or internet videos. Stories like this happen a lot. We are going to a party later, and he has just gotten off the phone with his friend, and is about to look up directions. We are also about to have sex, so we are lying naked in his bed. Why is the

map app asking me to play this game? Starts playing game. What are you doing? I don't know. It was there, so I started playing. I look down at my body and back up to him. Are you kidding me?

Oh, right. Sorry. Don't worry. You will always matter more to me than female game character. Oh, thank you so much for leaving that specific out. I would hate to dox her. Closes the game and actually looks up the directions before turning back towards me. The end.

Were you supposed to be fucking? Maybe. You said you to be fucking? Maybe. You said you were about to have sex. What? First things first, pull up the directions. This takes a while. Like, the directions to what, to sex? Yeah.

Oh, they're going to a party later. Oh, okay. They're going to a party later, so you pull up the map app a few hours in advance. And Google Maps says, first you must clear ten lines of Tetris before I'll give you the directions. And then you have to

play this game and then unlock your directions. Oh, that's nice. By fucking you unlock some good directions to use in the map. Oh, that's where. By fucking you a lock, fuck yeah. To use in the map. Oh, that's where these experience points came from. Oh, alright.

I like these one-man plays. Jonas, it's your turn. This one's more infuriating. This one's maybe the most infuriating one I've skimmed. Everybody's going to be watching. I'm so nervous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this one's called the Da Vinci Black Mesa Code.

Fuck you. Just fuck you in advance, by the way. Okay, I accept that. This is tagged MTNUSA. My husband and I tend to joke and meme. I'm out. I am watching. I'm going to get something to drink. I'll be back.

Did you guys say me? Where did you come from? Why did you burst down my wall like that? For the lulz? So I am watching something on TV, and it goes to commercial, which is when I tend to zone out on other things. Suddenly. Oh, holy balls.

Did you see that? I'm looking up at a clothing commercial, huh? For just a moment, the clock on the router points to it next to the TV. And in the commercial, points to where the clock and the TV was. We're both at 701. Illuminati confirmed. Half-Life 3 confirmed. Fuck!

Okay. I don't get it. Two clocks at the same time? Well, one does not simply confirm Half-Life 3, so... What? Fuck. Did two clocks have the same time? Bitch, you get it. confirm Half-Life 3, so I can kind of see where they're coming from. Why would...

Did two clocks have the same time? Bitch, you get... Damn, Daniel, two clocks have the same time. The fact that she shared that story means that that's probably the most interesting thing that happened to her that day. Yep. Right? Yeah.

You know, in my headcanon, I like to believe that the line they left out was They just looked at each other for a moment and said like We should get a divorce I wish it was the other kind of head canon You point a cannon at their head Yeah I'd accept that too

How will Spidey deal with head canon Let me give you a piece of my mind Spider-Man How will Spidey deal with headcanon? Let me give you a piece of my mind, Spider-Man. Why is Spider-Man being taunted by... Why is Spider-Man being taunted by the Crypt Keeper? Hey, to be fair, it's not these... By every Batman villain. To be fair, it's not these stupidest Spider-Man villains there. It's true.

To be fair, it's not the stupidest Spider-Man villain there. It's true. Alright, so this one is called The Wedding Before the Nightmare Before Christmas. Oh, God. You like it? Yeah, you did. That was quite some time ago. I need to detox after the last one for this.

Sure, sure, sure. Decompress. Sure. Just, John, you're going to be me, and Boots, you're going to be boyfriend. Okay. My boyfriend is playing an online game with some of his friends, and I'm on my computer browsing Pinterest. I catch part of their conversation. Because I'm a girl. Right, that's what we do.

Looking up shoe recipes. Sorry. I catch part of their conversation, colon. Apparently, they started talking about girlfriends. Hey, friends. Oh, friends, get around. Come around here. Okay.

I've got something to say to you. Boyfriend has something to say. You have the cut shell. Yeah. My girlfriend is awesome. She loves to cook, helps me keep the house clean, and she crochets, or sometimes crotchets, some really awesome stuff. She's actually looking for crochet patterns right now.

He listens to his friend for a moment and then laughs. No. Dude, you don't understand. She doesn't just make hats and gloves like your grandma. I mean, yeah, she made me an awesome R2-D2 hat, but she also made me the Enterprise. You don't understand, dude. She's a girl in her 20s and she crochets.

I know, it fucking blows your mind. A dramatic pause. Yeah, that enterprise. Oh, so not the real car place. The real car rental place? Yeah. The USS Enterprise. The carrier.

Not the HMS Enterprise. That's one of my favorite Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Call it a buttercup. It's sitting on a shelf in our living room. Another dramatic pause. He's pausing the game. That's what's going on a shelf in our living room. Another dramatic pause.

He's pausing the game. That's what's going on. But dramatically. She's definitely a keeper. In fact, hey, best friend. Would you be my best man? Oh, he's playing. Oh, my God.

Best friend. I turn to give him an incredulous look but can't help laughing really check me out I'm pulling off my headset and I'm turning to face her

me so how about we get married on Halloween next year that's your favorite holiday her. Me! So, how about we get married on Halloween next year? That's your favorite holiday, isn't it? This is how people talk. I wrote fan fiction about me. I figure we could do the Nightmare Before Christmas for the theme, since it's your favorite thing ever.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Sure, let's do it! Let's get married on Halloween I'll make a Pinterest board for it and start saving ideas this is how people talk buy my dress on Etsy her first thought

imagine the things I will pin oh uh fuck he claps once then turns back to his game and puts his headset back on. It's got a top hat on it now, though, because he's about to get married. As he claps, just... Well, that's done. Okay, so, save the date, best friend. We're getting married on October 31st, 2016.

You're going to be my best man. Dramatic pause. Delete. Yes, she agreed. Dramatic pause. Did she? You didn't... Well, she's making a Pinterest board.

That's a serious commitment, actually. You're right. I never make a Pinterest board in vain. Those can't be deleted. That's bigger than a yes. No, she wasn't mad. You guys just don't understand her like I do. What? Wow.

October 31st, 2016. Those wacky kids are married now. I'm girlfriend. Wait, 2016. Those wacky kids are married now. I'm girlfriend. Wait, yeah. This story was posted on October 31st of 2016. He posted it on his wedding day. Everybody at the church, hang on. I got to go make a post.

That was part of the vows, was they put them posting this together. They were both standing up by the altar with their smartphones. Yeah, it was like a huge screen. And they had it. In lieu of a vow, he just posted this and then tilted his phone towards her and was like, Hey,

read this while I go on my raid. All their favorite NPCs attended. It was really beautiful, actually. By the way, my favorite running character through all these stories is Distracted Narrator. Who gets put to sleep by

everybody. Oh, God, your people are still done talking? I'm just trying to roll through all the rest of the stories in this document and then, like, there's no natural breaks or pauses. Like, there's no reason for me to come in and narrate anything else. True enough.

Lemon needs time to top off his gimlets. Just over at his bar. Like, oh, fuck, shit, okay. Clink. This one's... Ooh, we got three rolls on this one. Ooh, hot.

So this one's just like... Great. Podcast. Watch them move. Wow, it's like a lava lamp. I'm my own water man, that's great. Oh my god. Okay, so this one is called... Jesus, it's so hard to get a drink in this place.

This one is called Coupled with Insecurity. It is tagged Restaurant. So maybe we gotta fuck a restaurant? Yeah, I think, nutshell, you're gonna be Friend, John Toast, you're gonna be Me, and then Portax, you're gonna be Waitress. There's also Woman. Oh god, fucking, okay, fine. Is's also woman. Oh, God. Okay, fine. It's fine. You are the woman. Okay.

An old friend and I have met up for the first time in years. We decide to go have a meal and go to a local restaurant. We are both male. I'm waiting to be seated. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if people thought we were a couple with how much we bicker.

Blushing! Yeah! We're seated and look at the menu. Our waitress comes over. Are you, uh, sharing drinks? I suppose we could. Your palate hasn't... Your palate hasn't changed much, has it?

Sharing drinks? I'm not sure that's how palate is spelled. No, that's the forklift palate. Yeah. You're going to get a palate load of drinks that you're going to share. To the waitress, we aren't together. We're single.

This isn't a date. Yes, so sharing or no? Yes, please. But we aren't together. We decide on separate drinks and finish our order. My friend tries another couple of times to convince the waitress that we aren't a couple. He's like yelling across the restaurant. No homo.

I don't a couple. He's like yelling across the restaurant, no homo! I don't like him! Ugh! I think I convinced her. That what? We're a low-key gay couple who are ashamed to be together in public? But I know! Standing

up. Just to be clear, we are not a couple! Oh yeah, I wasn't far off on next table on next table is this coyote ugly I'm the woman on the next table so you heard this

threw down all of the shit on the table and stood on top of it we're coyote ugly yeah half the restaurant got that. To me. You can so much better, you know. I burst out laughing as my friend sits down and blushes.

We pretty much spend the rest of the night in awkward silence. The waitress brings the bill. I can pay. Oh, I see. You're the, uh, breadwinner.

Oh my god! Wait! Calm down. She's joking. I'm not. I don't know. Gay panic has never been more boring. He then stormed out. Stormed out! Muttering at how ridiculous i was being i don't want to read too much into it but he hasn't spoken to me since and all of it is making me wonder if he isn't

as secure in his sexuality as i thought he was everybody applauded and lift me on their shoulders voted gay of the year. It's hard living in a 1991 gay fan fiction on GeoCities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And those friends' names were Kirk and Spock. Oh, man.

Oh, man. There's still more. there's still more there's still more um it never stops let's get through it i'm so sorry i'm so sorry uh all right uh nut show would you like to be the husband or the wife in this one uh don't care uh wife because i think i've been husband and like most of her boyfriend fantastic you're the wife who would you like to be married to oh god um um Desvon I took

you on a date I can't believe you did this to me yeah but then you know you were Jeffrey Dahmer and and stuff this is really interesting and hot okay Yeah, but then, you know, you were Jeffrey Dahmer and stuff. No, no. This is really interesting and hot, okay? But gently, but softly, but quickly.

Yeah. Something happened. So this is called Not Sure Who Wears the Pants in This Relationship. My husband and I have just finished dinner and are walking back to the car. The parking lot was crowded when we arrived, so the car is a bit far out. I am absolutely freezing. I'm wearing a knee-length, short-sleeved dress and no coat because I was an idiot and didn't bring one.

We make it to the car and are buckling in when I realize that I left my phone in the restaurant. Oh, no! I left my phone back out into the cold for me! I'll go get it! Jesus! Again, this is how people

talk. Yes, with their human mouth parts. No! I left it in the ladies' room! I'll just walk really fast. Wait a second. He proceeds

to take off his pants and give them to me. In the car. Yep. Yep. They must have an escalate. I don't know. Well, it might be Bunny Bread. Bunny Bread's super good at taking off his pants in the car. He's always got those basketball pants on.

These will keep you warm. Trying not to laugh. Babe, I was just going to ask for your jacket. Then the laugh track kicks in. Well, the pants are old now, so just take them. Gorsh. This is

really weird and sweet. Luckily, his pants weren't too big on me, so just take them. Gorsh. This is really weird and sweet. Luckily, his pants weren't too big on me, and they were warm. I did cause a few double takes in the restaurant, though. What? Why? Because she had pants wrapped around her neck like a scarf. Oh, she didn't put them on her legs. Oh, heavens. Is that a woman wearing a man's pants? Those are man's trousers.

Why? I never. This is the worst Applebee's I've ever been to. And that's saying something. Well, that's not true, really. I mean, yet. Coming down to the end of this one, thankfully. Let's see.

Okay, so just a little tiny, tiny bit more, and one of those is called He Stuck the Landing. He Stuck the Landing. Boots, He Stuck the Landing. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Boots, you're the girl, and Portex, you are the friend he stuck the landing this is tagged oh then John Toast you are the boy he stuck the landing my senior year in English class as an assignment and icebreaker our teacher assigns us to bring in

an item to use as a metaphor for ourselves oh god what yeah exactly a teacher is fucking in an item to use as a metaphor for ourselves. Oh god, what? Yeah, exactly. That's kind of it. A teacher is fucking with you. Yeah. To get an instant trip to the counselor's office and bring

a gun. I brought in this Ron Copopil food dehydrator. You know why? Because it's worthless too! It's senior year of high school, so I assume none of you know each other. So bring a toy for show and tell. Yeah.

The two most notable ones were my friends and his crushes. I'm holding up duct tape. Because if I don't find myself handsome, I might find myself handy. Thanks, Red. I brought in duct tape because it holds things together, just like how I connect my friends. It's not very

pretty, but it gets the job done, just like me. A bunch of other people present until... Holds up! Super glue! I brought in glue because it can build or fix things if you try hard enough like I do. Almost

everyone forgets about these metaphors come prom season when during lunch, he comes up to the table where she's eating with the dorkiest grin on his face. On the side... Wow. She put the grin on someone else's face. So, during lunch...

She has stuck her fingers in the sides of her mouth. Prom season, during lunch, he comes up to the table. Okay. On the side are our other friends and I, as we're recording all of this going down. Wow! They're making their own podcast. I'm facing girl. Girl. Girl, if you're tape and I'm blue, then will you stick together with me at prom?

Oh. My gods. Yes. I hug you before looking at the sign properly. And then I take it and show it to everyone while laughing. Ha ha ha! That sign?

It was the word prom spelled out in duct tape with glue squiggles as the frame. Fuck! As high schoolers, we will not judge you

for this wacky display. Fuck! And then they made their prom outfits out of duct tape. Ooh, I like it. And that girl totally said, oh my gods. Absolutely didn't do that, but they talked about it.

They talked about how cool it would be if they were to have done that. Okay, okay, two more. Just two more. Just two more. Just two more. Just two more. We can do it. We can do it.

We can do it. We can do it. John Toast, you are friend number one. Notchdell, you are. Just two more. Just two more. We can do it. John Toast, you are friend number one. Nutshell, you are friend number two. This one's called Every Ring is Awesome. Part two. You're part of a team. Are you living the dream? I am in an A-level chemistry lesson.

I just needed to prove. Yeah, it's good. Good, good. You like it? The teacher allows us to have our phones out in case of an emergency. After 30 minutes, my phone lights up and buzzes as a text appears. I pick up my phone, I check the message, and immediately put it down and walk

away. My friends next to me get confused, pick up my phone, and look at the text. Oh. My. God. Shit. He places... Oh, I place my hand... No. He places...

I place my hand on his shoulder. He the it place. I'll arrange your funeral. I begin laughing. Ha ha ha ha. At this point, the teacher wanders over and I show him the message. The text says, I found the ring. Yes, I will marry you.

Had to quickly explain to everyone that, number one, it was my girlfriend's birthday soon. Number two, it was a replacement ring for the one that she lost. Number three, probably not a good idea to have hidden it in a black box underneath my drawer. She was a bit upset, but understood. It was adorable seeing her so excited, though. What happened in that story? So his girlfriend was going through all his stuff and found the ring box. And she found the engagement ring and just assumed it was for her.

Oh, okay. You okay, Lemon? You all right? Some exciting things happen to people in these. He's looking longingly over his shoulder at the bar. Just a couple feet away. This is the last one. And just wandering from the mouse towards the pole.

This is the last one. He has to slap his hand away. It's gonna be like a lost weekend montage. I think he means like, this is the sand away. It's going to be like a lost weekend montage. I think he means like this is the last episode. We have literally found every funny thing on the internet. We're ending it on a high note. What is the point? I just pictured this like an Into the Woods style where like the narrator is in the show, but he just becomes increasingly drunk and infuriated.

Just like cigarette butts all around him. It's like, and then I don't know, the wolf does fucking something I don't fucking know. Whatever. Just muttering, this is the last one. We're done recording, he's still muttering it as he pours another drink. This is the last one. This is the last one. Swirly background.

This one's called, They're Eggspecting. Yay! Yay! You sound so defeated. So, this behind you, you're going to be the boyfriend. Okay. If this is the last one, do you want to take a roll, Lemon, and have someone else be the narrator?

Sure. I'll be the narrator. Okay, I'll be me, then. Finally, you can be yourself. Okay, calm down. My spirit hasn't been crushed yet. Give it time. They're eggspecting.

My boyfriend went out to buy eggs for Pancake Tuesday, but a misfortune has befallen them. He has texted me a somewhat incoherent picture, so I wait until I get home to clarify the situation. Note that I like to make tiny hats for fun, and I have a lot of them lying around the flat. Oh, I'm British. I also collect weird and wonderful shot glasses. That's so interesting. So the hats are tiny, you say?

That's what's known as a joke setup. The eggs all fell when I was in of town, when I was in town. My bag was overloaded. Oh, no. But one survived. He then shows me Stanislavski, an egg sitting in a skullshot glass with a frown drawn onto

it and one of my tiny hats on it. But why does Stan have a hat? I remove it to reveal a crack. He survived. He was the only one of his group. So, we're nursing him back to health? Ellipsis.

And we can be his foster parents! Ellipsis. We have a pet egg! Three dots. Hey! You rescued him! Stan is still sitting in his little shot glass with his little hat three days later. Guess we really did

adopt him. Yay! Yay, Stan. I'm guessing you guys don't call it Pancake Tuesday. It's like a religious holiday? Yeah, it's Shrove Tuesday. Oh, okay.

The Commonwealth countries call it Pancake Tuesday. You guys are really Catholic over there, aren't you? Yep. Might also be Anglican. I was raised Anglican. I was raised Pancake, so we have that

going. Every day is Pancake Tuesday. Okay. I was raised pancake, so we have that going. Every day is pancake Tuesday. Well, I was raised oolong. Those are crackers. Anyway. So, F+, what did we learn from all of this?

When we don't have material, we meander like, fuck. People are boring. People are bad at making shit up nobody got applause no yeah i feel like a couple people almost got applause yeah free drinks yeah i feel like these i feel like these romance liars aren't really uh in the spirit of not always right yeah the whole not always right idea is like, look at me take it to this guy who was an asshole customer. Whereas these stories are like, look at what me and my boyfriend did.

So, there's no applause for that. Yeah, and the thing is, is that like, you know, so they have these jobs, and they have these fucked up power fantasies, like in Not Always Right, but then over here, it's like, yeah, no, even in my fiction, like, relationships are super boring.

I found an exciting one with applause in it. Okay. All right. All right. Poor Tex. Sign it out. Sign it out. Let's do it. Let's do it.

I'll narrate again. Well, let me just be the narrator. Okay. Okay. Okay. Toast can be a kid, and Boots can be kid's dad, because of the beards. And Nutshell, you're assembling a stool. All right, fantastic.

So I'm waiting in line with my mom, and it's already been hours now. My legs are getting tired, so I reach into the backpack and take out a foldable mini-stool to sit on to rest. Everyone's staring at me as I unfold it. It looks little, but it can hold 400 pounds. Assembly of stool! Yeah! My eyes are bugging. What's that?

I'm staring at Nutshell. I don't know. When I finally unfolded it and sat, people laughed and clapped like they were seeing a show! Luckily, the line finally started moving and we got there sooner. Yay!

A study sat on a stool in line at an amusement park. Not always standing. That's the story. People were glad about it. Not always replacing batteries in my carbon monoxide detector. Is there some sort of like

NEA grant for banality that this site is trying to achieve? Brought to you by the Corporation for Public Banality. What's the most boring concept I can think of? Okay, it's couples talking about dreams that they had in their relationships, and they're boasting about it on the internet in story format. But Lemon, their boyfriend and girlfriend, and they did something that was so quirky, and people were there for it, and they saw it.

And they applauded. And they were like, wow, they're so it. And MS Paint cartoons are involved somehow. The website is always thefpl.us There's a forum, I think? He doesn't care anymore. Yeah. And if you have something really boring to share,

you can go to the ball pit. Fuck you, listen to last week's episode if you want to know what the forum is Oh shit Also buy some tattoos bye Bye Don't buy our tattoos Yeah no no no just get tattoos right now

Go to one of those fucking My tattoos are from Chester I'm keeping them I have mine framed Very painful. Can we have a spin-off podcast that is just Portex as the Cryptkeeper? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every day. Punning with Portex? So it's just me and Toast just arguing with each other? No, he's your writer. Oh, okay. So Cryptkeeper is a solo performer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this is a, like, Will Ferrell-Adam McKay relationship between you two.

Okay, so he just writes horrible things and then just delights, as I have to say. Exactly, exactly.