The F Plus - 264: Folks On Amazon Reviewing Dildos

Episode Date: October 18, 2017

As the world's third largest retailer, Amazon provides a marketplace with an ever expanding range of products like groceries, fine art, television shows, video game streams, and dildos. Yes of course dildos this is the internet and there's always dildos. In this episode we're looking at those brave netizens who purchased cheap sex toys on Amazon, found the products lacking, and wanted to tell the world about it. This week, The F Plus sniffs our Splooge Juice to see if it's gone bad.

Dateline Paris, 4.32 a.m. Dick Tracy receives a bag of dildos in the mail. Who could this be from? 23 Skidoo! Where'd all these dildos come from? I'm Dick Tracy, not Dick Enjoyer. Enjoy your dildos, Tracy. Yeah, flatfoot!

Wish your feet were arched so I could masturbate into them. Ha ha ha! Hello, customer. Thank you so much for listening to the F Plus Podcast. An innovative and terrific place for terrible things spread with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Rain Gear.

I don't know what happened to the rest of my post, but I'll try to summarize the best I can. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but being a no- Sog? God design, but don't give pleasure. Funny bread. The pipe dream extreme is not what I expected. The cock is really soft, and the feeling of the ass is completely fake.

Also, it stinks like cum for some reason. Such a waste of money. Cum quass up! Customers who bought this item also bought Milwaukee 6 amp reciprocating saw with rotating handle. Oh my god. Jimmy Franks! Wowee! As good as

the little one, but well, bigger. Ouch. Patience, young butt walker. Feel the force. And lemon. It seemed okay at first until I realized the mouth and anus are connected hey f plus hello hello hey what are your favorite places to engage in commerce? The internet? I like the farmer's market. Farmer's market.

Earth, I don't know. The game. I'd say T-H-E-F-P-L dot U-S. What sort of commerce do you engage on on T-H-E-F-P-L dot U-S? Oh, you know, like tattoos, stickers, T-shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those things. Although, if you want a shirt you better not like a lady

shirt because if you want a men's shirt they're all gone we got tattoos but I want to talk to you about a website they're kind of an innovator in their field they're known as amazon.com never

heard of that is that a south american outfit well it's a site that's run by a lizard person. Got it. Hillary Clinton? That's not related to this particular episode. I'm just saying Bezos is a lizard person. Yeah, well, fair enough. But this is a document submitted to us kind of recently,

and it is a first-time submitter by the name of CurlyQ. And this document has been titled Folks on Amazon Reviewing Dildos. Yay! What's it about? In cars. Reviewing dildos in cars. As soon Dildos in cars. As soon as we get the funding. Yeah, so I don't know if you are aware,

but Amazon does sell a lot of products that you can fuck yourself with, and that's what we're going to be spending our time on today. So, yeah, that's right. It is beer time. You are right about that. I assume you're talking about the division that makes like, you know, AWS and S3 like this is going to be, you know, really cool.

Yeah, it's all cloud-based masturbation. Right, yeah. So, Boots, take a look at this document here that Curly Q has for us. And I want you to tell us about the Wow Yes AV Bar Rechargeable. The Wow Yes. Wow Yes.

Wow Yes. Okay. Wow, yes. Wow, yes. Okay. The Wow Yes AV Bar Rechargeable Multi-Mode Stimulation Luxury G-Spot Clitoral Vibrator. Pick three. Good lord.

Okay. Oh, my God. About the product. Use massager for a variety of places. Office, outdoor, dormitory, car, bathroom. A variety of massage, such as real massage pleasure simulation of the buddy collision pleasure the collision that dare not speak

its name the buddy collision pleasure you know the places you get when you collide in things are those the only places you can use it this seems really restrictive. Well, tell me a little bit about this thing here.

You can use it for a whole variety of places. Product description. Color, pink 3. Equipped with 5 dynamic mode, each mode can be adjusted to the... Each mode can be adjusted to adjust the level of shock.

Use of silicone production. Grip soft skin. Ergonomic design. Easy to carry. Sorry, that's just carry. The word... The use of regional wide waterproof design.

Easy to clean. Quiet design. Privacy protection. You can buy an optional screen for your dildo. This dildo will not tattle on you. You can buy a privacy screen for your dildo. It's called a tent.

Equipped with long-term rechargeable device, saving energy, and environment friendly oh good what instructions for the backyard yeah instructions for use one when you get the product please charge the product first don't shove it up and up into your ass like an animal like you did with the last one charge this one first no that's what literally every amazon box that arrives goes right up my ass sometimes i do not that's how you can tell what's in it oh feels like headphones shake shake shake yeah oh yeah that's that's keys in there two please plug the usb cable into the computer or connect the USB plug charger, the other end of the DC plug, into the product charging port.

This time, the middle of the button has a red light flashing. The general charge of two to three hours to charge the... I'm horny now! Three, press the middle button for three to five seconds to start. Enter the boot state. This time, the upper and lower buttons are to adjust the vibration button. What? The dildo need a boot state?

Adjust the other button? What? Does it have a BIOS? I don't understand. It comes with a Raspbian. It's a Raspberry Pi powered dildo. If it fails to start, leave the CMOS battery out for 30 seconds. I don't know.

I just like in the sound of this boot shaped sex toy. Change the jumpers. Four. If you want to change the vibration mode, press the middle button. You can change the vibration mode. Good. Five. In any case, you can press the middle button for three to five seconds to close.

Great. Great. So obviously, a bunch of people have reviewed this product. It's gotten 84 reviews with an average of 4.2 out of five stars. If you encounter other situations in the course of use, please send us an email and we will service you. Yeah. Fuck the toy, we'll come over here and do it for you instead.

Do not use it when charging to avoid dangerous things. Where should you place the product, Boots? Please place the product. Yes. I can do this. Wear, Boots! I'm done with it, so where should I put it please place the product in a child

or private place fuck boots go straight to jail open hi NSA how you doing hope you enjoyed our podcast I wish you a good day when using vibrating massating Massager. As I said,

84 reviews, average of 4.2 stars, so doing pretty well. A bunch of people are perfectly happy to review this and take photos of the thing that they've used and talk about how good that it felt in their various holes. But, Laura,

what did you think of this product? Oh, yes. Hello. I'm Laura. I say five stars. Things really easy to use. Very feeling. Very

exciting. Are you a Shiba Inu? But a few minutes on the climax, press the open vibration, which was filled with experience. Wow. I'm enlightened already. experience. Wow. I'm enlightened already.

The Buddha's jacking her off. And Bunny Bread, you're Camellia? Yeah, yeah, hey, yeah, hey. I'm Camellia. How you doing? Yeah, it's really very comfortable. Oh, since it has been so after I. I feel strong sexual desire. Girls can buy, you know, really very comfortable. Oh, yeah.

Since it has been so after I did not rely on a man and experience really good late at night. No longer, you know, afraid of a lonely intolerance. Right. Okay. Intolerance. You fucking heard me. Strong sexual desire. I can solve their own.

Hey, my name's Andrew. Hey, Andrew. Hey, really good. Feeling like an electric shock. That's really good. Yeah, sounds great. That was not promised in the product description. Really good.

Feeling like an electric shock. The body is crisp, mama. Very comfortable. What? Why are you telling me that? Ma, ma! You gotta see this dildo, ma. Come here. The body's really crisp. It looks like it's almost falling off

the bone. Climax near the feeling and transferred to the largest file. Inserted like a boy inserted the same, especially the reel. Yeah, keep it real, dildo. That was a Markov chain generated comment, wasn't it? Hey guys, I want to tell you about the Shibari lube launcher.

Uh-huh. Oh, God. Sounds like something from the Super Soaker people. Is this like the Super Soaker Nerf crossover product? Yeah. They shoot it into the audience during the seventh inning stretch. Steal it. Fine boots.

No credit here. So this is, yeah, the Shibari Lube Launcher. I know that you are a discerning gentleman, discerning customers. And so I'm going to give you the XL Shibari Lube Launcher. Oh, extra large. It is essentially a hypodermic needle without the needle part. Good. Okay. Very good. So it's nothing.

Yeah, so it's an extra large size. You get to guess what that means. It's easy to clean and it's 7.5 inches long. Would you like to know more about the product? Shit, yeah. Too bad. So you can't know anything more about the product. Shit, no. I'm done.

But it's only $7. 412 people have reviewed this product. It looks like the thing I use to feed my cat pills. Hey, you can get two free two-day shipping with Amazon Prime on this product, guys. You can feed your cat pills the wrong

way. So anyway, as I said, 412 reviews, and one of those reviews was written by an Amazon customer on November 5th of 2016. So, Jimmy Franks, would you read this review

by an Amazon customer? One out of five stars. Painful. Thing pushes loops so far it can cause. Can cause what? It can cause laxative effect. Oh, no. Oh.

I thought it could cause an ellipsis. Oh, God. Oh, this thing pushes the loop so high up into you it can start very painful cramping and a laxative effect. Oh, yeah. Oh, at least that was my miserable experience. Oh, I threw this awful thing away. Never again. I'm a better man today.

He's a survivor. Plus, to add insult to injury, it doesn't loop the sides as it's going in. So it was useless, and for me, it was so painful. I highly do not recommend. Lowly recommend. I highly do not recommend. Lowly recommend.

Hello, I am Amazon customer. Amazon customer. I had used this lub launcher yesterday, and now I'm injured. Oh, no. Yikes. I had to throw it out. Oh, no. Yikes. I had to throw it out.

It damaged inside of my butt and in my stomach. And now I can't poop anymore. Oh. Now I have to go to the hospital to get treated. Please do not buy this. You will be sorry if you did. Hey, speaking of things you'd be sorry to buy, I want to talk to you about the Angel

Kiss two-piece twist-up suction nipple vacuum. Right, right. There's a picture of the first thing, and you go, like, I don't quite understand. And there's a picture of the second thing, and you're like, I don't think I understand. And then there's a picture of the third thing and you go like I don't quite understand and there's a picture of the second thing and you're like I don't think I understand and then there's a picture of the third thing

and you go oh god ah it's for nipples it also helps you put a nipple on your wrist yeah yeah yeah make a blackhead anywhere yeah so this is the this is the Angel Kiss two-piece twist suction nipple cupping enhancer breast enlarger. Breast enlarger.

Okay. Vacuum firmer, perkier, larger nipples. Got to get those large nipples. Damn right. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. I don't have any answers for you. But about the

product. Okay. So it's ideal. It's ideal for providing enhanced sensation on nipples and other body parts. Increases pleasurable breast arousal. Natural health for flat or inverted nipples. Whoa health for flat or inverted.

Inverted nipples? Whoa. Yeah, that shit actually happens. Like concave? Yeah, concave nipples. It's real. It's real. Bunny Bread, have you been fucking girls in the upside down again?

No, I've been fucking girls in the right side up. I was just upside down. Also, you can enjoy powerful suction with this piece of demurely sized suction. Oh, demure. Wouldn't want to be ostentatious with this shit. Boots, your name is David, please. Hi.

Hey, I'm David. Hey, David. Give me them perky nippers. Yay! That's a racial slur, Boots, you asshole. Nippers. Shut up. That's offensive, whatever you said.

All right. Sorry. Anyway, these aren't bad nipple cups. They have difficulty staying attached. If you are a man, better to shave around the nipple before using. If you leave them on too long, they will suck water and or blood

from your nipple. Whoa! Now what's the next line? Just nowhere in the product description. What's the next line? Yeah, messy, but not really dangerous. Yeah, it'll suck blood out your tits, but you know, nothing wrong there. You don't need all of it.

You've got so much in there. There's so much blood. Clearly, if you're still bleeding, there's more. Shut up. Hail and well met, friends. It is I, Amazon customer, Vanguard of Capitalism. Hey. Good.

One out of five stars. Disgusted and pissed. I thought this item would be a good gift for my friend who has recently become a mother and is nursing, but I thought wrong. Why would you think that?

Why would you think that? Yo, with your nipples. Gotcha. Okay, what's the first thing I think about when I think about nipples? Oh yeah, hurting them. I need to hurt those nipples? Item was clearly

used already and contained a reddish brown fluid at the top of the suction cup. Oh, yuck. That's nasty. Can't believe what was actually shipped to me by the seller. Nauseated at the thought of where these have previously been.

I guess you really do get what you pay for. Super Mario hoarding. That's what SMH stands for. Suck my hog. Oh, hi. I'm David.

I might not be the same David as before, but that doesn't matter. Hello, customer. We care about your experience with us, and we are committed to ensuring your satisfaction as one of our value customers. and we are committed to ensuring your satisfaction as one of our valued customers. You see, that the fluid is the lubricant added by the manufacturer and their role is to lubricate and seal. Please do not worry about it.

Okay, okay. Yeah, I don't worry about red brown shit in my fucking sex toys. That's a phrase you always want to hear from a sex toy proprietor. Don't worry about it. Don't sweat it, man. It ain't nothing. Don't worry about it. We do recommend using a little lotion or personal lubricant for the first time or a better

suction. Try a better suction. Fuck a bit. Try using our product better. Try using a vacuum. Just have some sort of moisture otherwise the cup can become brittle and crack making it loose suction ability

any question feel free to contact us and we will reach you at the soonest fennel cue fennel cue fennel cue sincerely David alright gentlemen how we doing Thank you. Thank you. Oh, it's Falky. Sincerely, David.

All right, gentlemen, how are we doing this evening? All right. Okay. Hey, people. All right. Hey, men. Where do you get your energy from? I get my energy from my nipples.

Where do you get yours from there, fella? Okay, sit right down there because I'm going to help you out. Well, you're damn right. My nipples are spectacular, are they not? Let me tell you a little secret here, fellas. Okay, men, this is the nipple enlarger for you. I have highly erogenous nipples.

Okay? As you can see, they are spectacular. No, I understand. My eyes are not up here. They are down there. Yeah, of course. Wow, they are.

Why are they there? Well, shut the hell up and I'll tell you. Hang on. Quit interrupting. Probably as good as a woman's. These nipples are like a woman's, people. So enlarging my nipples is a win slash win for me.

All right. With these, I increased my nipple size roughly 30%. 30%, people. You heard me correctly. You do not understand what 30% is. 30% more nipple. That's right, people. You, too, could have 30% more nipple right now if you just dial in.

Hey, hey, hey. I am stuck with this size. Small. As I feel, this is enough for me as a man without getting into a leather pig territory. Am I right, fellas? I don't know what the hell I'm even saying at this point. Why is that in quotes? I don't know either. Never mind. Nothing is really

here. No, I'm not in court. It's alright. There are bigger sizes. So, if you want them bigger than this, even go for it. But, you know, you can't get too bulgy, can you? Am I right, huh? Gentlemen, look at these nipples. When you say bulgy nipples, you think me.

You're too bulgy. Yeah. When you say bulgy nipples, you think me. Yeah, when you say nipples, you think bulgy and you think digital muscle man nipples. I love the compliments, all right? I love them, I love them. I love the compliments I get from both straight and gay men. Straight women as well.

Hey Pete, great nipples. Why thank you, sir, as I tip my foot over. My eyes are up here, buddy. In fact, as I tip my fedora. My eyes are up here, buddy. In fact, the manager of my gym, a straight male, saw my nipples and said, those are nicer than my wife's. And we fucked, of course. You bet.

Fuck. Okay. So, you have to be bold to be able to show your big nipples in public. Me? I'm a bodybuilder, of course. So I'm used to showing off my beautiful body and sporting a beefy nipply physique wearing skimpy nipply outfits. I love doing that. And I am 6'3".

So imagine the look on people's faces when they see my bare nipply chest and these two huge, permanently big nipples two to four times the size of theirs. chest and these two huge, permanently big nipples two to four times the size of theirs. I'm wearing cut-off tanks at the gym and beach and now, here, get me surrounded by guys and some girls. Well, you know, well, nothing's perfect. Alright,

dudes, if you got a reginous nipples like I do, do yourself a favor and get them bigger. Your sex life will feel so much more fun. I am having a blast and every partner I have is obsessed with my nipples. Everybody's obsessed with my nipples. Come on, come and get your nipples, people.

If you want to know, I work out five, five count of days a week and have guys aching to know me just because of my nipples. It's crazy, I know, but there's a huge fetish crowd out there who obsess over dudes with giant nipples. This has been Digital Muscle Man.

Come and get your nipples, people. Thanks, Digital Muscle Man. Thank you. A huge fetish crowd. Forget the cotton candy. I want these huge nipples right now. You're damn right, sir. That's what you want.

Wow. I want to know more about this man. I got a huge areola, so hey! Oh, honey, here comes the weird nipple man. Just compliment him and maybe he'll go away. Digital Muscle Man's recently reviewed products include the Angel Kiss two-piece twist-out suction vacuum nipple thing. Spaceballs, the animated series.

Have you seen the nipples on doc helmet hopefully and then a shitload of um of like weightlifter like muscle supplements yeah yeah yeah yeah come quite stop what do you have uh yes yes yes hello my name is your public name my public name uh yes uh yes your public name no i, your public name. Oh, I'm getting doxxed. All right. Exactly as advertised. After repeated use, my wife's nipples got longer and larger. At first, she did not

want to use them because she has been brainwashed! Oh boy! Oh boy! I knew I installed a seatbelt on my computer chair for a reason. Brainwashed

by pop culture! Misogynistic ideas of beauty, according to which a beautiful woman looks like a tall skinny boy with no hips or tits and that big, dark nipples are supposedly ugly. Oh, boo. Wow. Finally, I convinced her that my preferences were the opposite and that the bigger and longer her nipples got, the harder I got.

Nice, nice. I get it. I get it. Yep. She complained a little about the suction being painful. But I think

it turns her on. Because every time I put them on her, she wants to have sex. Oh my god. Okay. What are the times that you put those on Oh my god So Okay What are the times that you put those on Just like hey how's it going Oh

That was a good lunch that we had Put this on your nipples okay cool Anyway I gotta go Go back to work now Bye bye Those damn misogynists Making you keep your nipples the way they are I gotta go. Go back to work now. Bye-bye. Those damn misogynists making you keep your nipples the way they are. Those damn

small nipple lovers. We are going to be moving off of this particular section, because there's a couple sections that CurlyQ has put into this document. This document, I am enjoying. This document. But before we move on to the next section, Jimmy Franks, you have a bottle or you have a product you want to talk to us about, right? Doc Johnson's the amazing squirting realistic cock with one ounce bottle of sploosh juice.

Yeah. Boy. Oh, those pictures are bumming me out. Yeah. Finally, a protein chicken can get behind. It's totally extreme, dudes. It's about the glass. Yeah. Finally a protein chicken can get behind. It's totally extreme, dudes. It's about the glass. Yeah. Guaranteed to satisfy in more

ways than one, the impossibly realistic, amazing, squirting, realistic cock, aside from its ridiculously detailed shape, thick, filling size, and hands-free suction base, boasts on a unique squirting feature that creates an excitingly perfect finish to playtime.

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah. At the tip, the amazing squirting realistic cock is subtly tapered, helping the head glide inside smoothly. An extra thick shaft with raised veins and an incredibly lifelike texture add miles to the man fantasy. The man? What? Okay, yeah, yeah,ike texture add miles to the man fantasy. The man? What? Okay.

Yeah, I got it. Yeah, the man fantasy. It's pronounced mantacy. Yeah, the mantacy. To activate the squirt effect, simply fill an included syringe with the also included Splooge Juice Hybrid Glide or other chosen fluid

and attach it to a lake of tubing exiting the dildo's base. When you're ready for the amazing to let loose just squeeze to release a splash out through the tip yeah like all dilt like all dicks work just so the easy to use syringe allows you to control every squirt so if i wanted to write my name in this novel. It comes with a one ounce bottle of body safe vanilla

splooge juice. It can be mixed with water to achieve the desired appearance. You monster. That's racist. Where the fuck is my pumpkin spice splooge juice? One thing that I noticed when I was looking at the pictures

of Doc Johnson's amazing realistic squirting cock is that the dildo itself is 7.4 inches long, but 4.6 inches of that is not balls. The remaining inches are all balls. That's actually Doc Johnson's penis

this thing is some giant balls there are reviews to that effect actually a lot of reviews talk about that yeah yeah yeah too much balls what did you think of the product you're one of the 117 customers

who's reviewed this and what did you think about this? Oh, need some more QC finishing touches. Like what? Plastic tube comes out a little and can cut you. Oh, God, no. So in that case, that must be four to five stars. Yeah.

Yeah. That would be a full star loss at that point. Yeah. It cut your record. I'm serious about this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. real names and then it's like, here's me real names reviews are people's real names. Real names. And then it's like, here's me holding this dildo.

So weird. Amazon customer says, the lube doesn't taste the best, but it works fine with the pump. Yeah, you know. At the point that you're typing onto the internet the lube doesn't taste good like rethink everything sorry related products that the same guy has reviewed yeah

include a the Ken onion folding knife yeah six star testosterone boosting supplement and three valentine plush elephants obviously for fucking yeah yeah yeah

so currently Q has a whole section in here of the Amazon forums which is very fun but I'm just going to skip over that whole section because there's something that's a little bit more specific to that. So this is the... Oh.

Apparently John Congledon is fucking himself. It's so. So this is a section called Tales of Woe. Okay. This will go well. And so, Jimmy Franks franks i'm gonna start you off here so this is a product called um the uh uh the lyler universal vibrating vibrator dildo it's a vibrating vibrator seems helpful yes that's good uh Oh, this is Shelling South. One out of five stars.

No, no, no. Odd speeds and all. No, no, no. Odd speeds and all rather fast. Smelled strong and burned, burned, burned. The ring of fire. The ring of fire. The ring of fire. This is one of the extras you get from Ken Burns' The Civil War documentary as a special bonus.

I've never had a toy where the material it is made from creates burning feeling when used. I tried it a few times and it burned every time. It went into trash. 49 out of 50 tries and I'm going to send it back. One out of five stars. Hey, Stog. Yes? What did

Mari think of double bullet sex toy vaginal and clitoral stimulation beginner female vibrator? beginner female vibrator. The female vibrator for noobs. Noob tube bullshit. All it does is just use the

shotgun. Yeah. Four out of five stars. It was a good toy. However, when put at full vibration, it overheated. Oh. It was a good toy. However, when put at full vibration, it overheated. Oh. It was a good toy. However, when put at full vibration, it overheated in a matter of seconds.

It burned my hand, but not severely. It was like an overheated charging phone. Aside from that, it's good. How many phones have you shoved in your veg? Like three. Okay. How many did you get back out of it? Two.

Like two, yeah. Aside from that, it's good. Hey, y'all. I'm Kiri. I'm Kiri. And I bought a 12-inch dildo. No, we've all been there, baby. Was it a full 12 inches

well no it wasn't full 12 inches I'm sorry I was exaggerating it was 11.75 inches slut you caught me so it arrives in a paper bag no box which is

I don't necessarily believe that in like a brown paper bag? Yeah, the thing that you put a 40 in. Yeah, that came in that. It got dropped off in an alley. It turns out this had nothing to do with what I ordered. It came in one of those baguette bread bags like you get from the grocery store.

Yeah, yeah. I fuck all my baguettes too, so. Yeah, so the item overheated as soon as I switched it on I burned my hands bad trying to remove the batteries because the motor end was red hot this item is

in my opion no my opion in my opion this is dangerous it should not be on sale I am seriously thinking No, my Opion. In my Opion, this is dangerous. It should not be on sale. I am seriously thinking of sending this item to the Better Business Bureau. Also in a brown paper bag.

Anonymously. You know, if there's an agency that deserves 12-inch dicks, it's probably the Better Business Bureau. Oh, I can think of others. Oh, Jim, we got another one. Is it a bag of shit or a bag of dicks? Which one is it? Oh, better give an F- to this dildo. It's clearly on fire.

I think you think that the Better Business Bureau is Consumer Reports. So I wanted to send it to the Better Business Bureau to see what they think, because what happened to me could have been a lot worse had I of inserted it and then turned the item on. Frowny face. Oh, man. Because a

flaming vagina wasn't an available emoji in the character set. A flaming eggplant doesn't exist. You need to get enough Twitch credits in order to get that. Hey, Boots, what did you think of the Pipe Dream Jelly Eager Beaver? The purple one, specifically. Well, I thought it was one of the five stars. Why? Why is that? Why?

I bought it in store years ago and it worked great until I bent it too far. What's on you, bitch? Replaced with this one. It burned my privates every time I used it. That was it? First one wasn't so bad.

It was a fire poker, you dumbass. First one wasn't so bad, but the second time, it just was too much. No, they were all bad. Every single time that I burned my privates, it was bad. I set the decks on fire. I insert them. Look. Why?

Why? I had to put a condom on it to prevent this. What? Is your condom made out of fur? She's going to get pregnant from the dildo. She's going toom on it to prevent this. What? She's going to get pregnant from the dildo. She's going to get pregnant. You know this. I use an asbestos condom.

Good job. Let's put some dry ice around it. It'll balance out. Threw it out after trying a few times to use it. Just bought another in store and no burning hey don't buy this product online from this seller yeah fuck him yeah i like to i like to think that like most of these are just actually the competition of like other companies that sell dildos just trying to sabotage this one gave me herpes that makes sense I'm just gonna

slather habanero oil all over this dildo hope nobody notices so glad jackass got cancelled every time I use it it's burning me right now hey Jimmy Franks yeah did you did you enjoy when you bought when you bought

the divinity wand massager the supercharged one a fucking forced induction dildo yeah so we bought that supercharged divinity wand. Did it work out good for you? Did you like it?

What did you think? One out of five stars. What? TLDR, it was a great vibrator until it exploded. Too much boost! Too much boost! Oh my god! This weekend at the Gemming Speedway.

The supercharged Divinity Wand Massager. Burned up all your nitro. The Dill Dominator. Versus Gravedigger. I owned a blue version that lasted several years of daily use. When it quit, I got this one since it was the same. I bought it on March 31st of this year and it started giving me issues in July at certain points in the rotation of the rheostat

it would stop or stall. But if you set it just above or below it would work fine. Aside from that quirk, I loved it because of the adjustability and power. Well, tonight before I could even turn it on the cord exploded in my hand. I was excited. Did it apologize

and say, I'll just let myself out? This usually never happens. Yeah. I'm lucky that the cord blew all the way apart because when it zapped me, it made all the muscles in my hand spasm around it. Ooh, that sounds great. You should pay extra for that pleasure. Yeah. So now my hand is tingly, hurts like hell, and has a black mark on it that I can't get off.

At least not without scrubbing on an area that is very painful to touch or move. Wait, your hand is, is it surgically attached to your? For performance before I went kablooey, I would have given it five stars, but I don't feel like I can give an item a good rating that literally blew up and electrocuted me. I don't think you should. I don't think you should. One of the things that I'm noticing, because when I pace back through the reviews, I'm realizing that these products they're reviewing are like $18 vibrators. Ladies, if you're fucking the thing every night and it's burning you,

spend another 18. Treat yourself. Treat yourself. Don't get a dildo that'll explode. Just bring lunch to work. Bring lunch to work. Don't get the truck. Don't get lunch from the truck. You're worth the $27 dildo.

Don't buy the acne exploding dildo off of Amazon, alright? Love yourself. Um, hey, Stog. Yes? There's the product I know that you're familiar with. It's the TLC Sex Please Nipple Enlarger with four different size rings.

For when you don't want any scrubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what did Stefan think of it? Oh, okay. One out of five stars. Great the first two times I used this, but the third time, it was much more painful than I remembered. I looked down and I saw blood. Okay. Okay.

Where? Where's the blood coming from? Were you giving birth? Removed the sucker thing and saw that it had splintered at the end that attached around nippled. Oh, no. It splintered and nippled. It nippled hard.

The hard but very thin. The hard but very thin plastic had splintered, jagged, and cut me. I would not recommend trying these. Oh, no. That is a terrible one-star review. I'm so sad about that. Wait a minute. I see this five-star review from Ron.

My name is Ron. Yeah, hi, Ron. Well, here's what I think about it. E-Rect. Five out of five. This item makes my wife's nipples very erect. Foreplay is most enjoyable when the nipples are at attention. She even enjoyed it.

Oh, my God. She even enjoyed it. That my God. Enjoying shit. That's so great. Yeah. She didn't scream get off me this time. I've never had that happen before. Oh. God, you know what?

You're small. On average, that's a plus. All right. So the very last sort of tale of woe we're going to be reading about here is the it's the kissy body, powerful 110 volt to 220 volt electric silicon clitoral masturbations. G-spot stimulators, wand vibrator, massager, dildo stick for women hyphen black and Curly Q, the editor of the document. This is really helpful because I intentionally had

a 220 volt jack installed in my bedroom for specifically for a high powered dildo. Yeah, so the person providing this doc says AKA the deadliest known vibrator. Yay! The black mamba doc says, AKA the deadliest known vibrator. Yay!

The Black Mamba. Okay, so let's start it off. So, Stog, what did Adam Pond think of this? Adam Pond. Electrifying orgasms! And possible bodily injury. All right, well, you know how to write a pitch deck. electrifying orgasms and possible bodily injury. Hmm. Okay.

All right, well, you know how to write a pitch deck. Yeah. One month. That is the amount of time between the placement of the order and the date that this device nearly electrocuted slash burned my wife.

Hmm. Minutes after her first use, she proclaimed that she finally had a toy that she loved. The second time she used it only reaffirmed her newfound love. However, shortly after she went for her third experience with this device,

it got really hot, started sparking and smoking, then the power... Oh yeah. It loved her so hard. Well, apparently you had to do some boring bullshit with it first, but eventually it gets interesting. Hell, yeah.

I just hate the foreplay. Lighten up a cigarette. Yeah, I get it. I hear what you're saying. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d Then the power cord burned off at the attachment point and flamed up, causing her to throw it across the room. This is a Wendy O. Williams show now. I do realize that this device was slash is not a high dollar piece of machinery, but you would think that possible risk of bodily harm would not be something to worry about during some relaxation time. Relaxation time. Yeah.

That's not very relaxing at all. The drapes are on fire. I mean, you did confess that I gave you electrifying orgasms. I mean. Yeah. It's a one-star review. Come on. First comes the electricity, then comes the fire.

Even-handed. Bunnybread, your name is G? Damn right my name is G. All right, so I want to tell you about this thing that I just told you about. Okay. So it worked great at first. Okay. So it worked great at first.

Okay. But after a month of intermittent use, the cord literally goddamn exploded and blew itself off the fucking bottom end. Oh my God. Lucky for us, it was not touching any body parts. And neither of us was burned from the ball of fucking sparks that exploded from it, like hellfire. This has shown up a couple times in the reviews.

What are they doing during these times when it's not touching any parts? Fucking. Okay, okay. Anyways, one out of five. Would still probably use. I'm a little bit of a voyeur. I like to fuck my wife on my dildo watches. What's probably happening is the thing collects dust on the inside,

so you turn it on for the first time it just sparks and then that causes a chain reaction anyway wow this is some real joe keller shit so uh my name is uh anthony alabisi hey uh i've had the i've had my fair share of toys i originally wrote an okay review on it but but my toy just exploded and hurt me, leaving red marks on my arm. Wait, it was fucking your arm? Even though it's cheap. Yeah, no, I masturbate with my arm.

Okay. That is how you do it in the new world, yes? That is not gay! Stroke that arm. We don't use the hand, we use the whole arm. I sell this vibrator out of my push-a-cart. Hey! Do not

buy, even though it's cheap. Not worth it, but a better, but a better more reputable toy. This one wasn't even that good when it was working. When it wasn't setting me on a fire. Fake friends. I turned Norwegian at the end.

Fake friends, they're dangerous. Come Quetzal, your name is an Amazon customer there on April 24th. Besides shocking myself, starting a fire and only using it a handful of times, it had great vibrations. My burn hurts, though, so it's not really worth it. Okay. Okay, um... Pssst! Pssst!

We'll be taking the last one. We'll be taking the last one. We'll be taking the last one. Calm down. Calm down. I can't. Don't you fuck this up. You'll be taking the last one. But before we do that.

Don't you fuck this up. Before we do that, calm down. This is an opportunity of a lifetime. Before we do that, my name is Jeff Thompson. And on July 5th of 2016, I said, this product performance was subpar until I caught on fire. Oh! This product is the worst.

Yeah. Now then, Dennis. How did this product work out for you? My name is Dennis from Wisconsin. Yep. Almost killed wife. I'm going to leave the subtext ambiguous on that one. Verified purchase.

Oh, my God. What the fuck happened? Almost killed wife. What the fuck is that? He almost killed wife's dog. I was just I was really I knew it wasn't gonna happen but I went to look through his like his like history to see if it was gonna be like can opener almost killed one VHS tape set of golden girls almost killed one hey guys can I read can I read Dennis from Wisconsin's review

of the birdcage almost killed one great movie A must see appropriate for all ages multiple star actors that make this even better in an original plot good movie i must see

okay yeah um that's the birdcage yeah yeah that's the birdcage um so uh so the last uh well we'll see but i got a product i want to talk to you about, and it's called the Jopin Intensity Kegel Exerciser. By who? By who? That's by Jopin. Oh! It's sold by Jopin, distributed by Jopin. So here's the thing. We've talked about a couple of vibrators in this product

or in this episode. Nobody's really particularly surprised by the concept. Nobody's really particularly surprised by the concept. But here's what's special about the Jopin Intensity Kegel exercise. Well, it's a hair straightener for one. Well, no, it just looks like a hair straightener. That's where you're wrong. It looks like a hair straightener, but it's not. What it is is an electrostimulator that you put

inside your vagina. Okay. Yay! Alright. Vaginas. The tagline on the intensity by Jopin is, see it, feel it, believe it. This is happening to you now.

You made a mistake. You got it. This is your to you now. You made a mistake. You got it. This is your fault, idiot. It looks like a hair curler. Yeah, it looks like a hair curler, but instead, it's a wand that electrocutes your vagina from the inside. Oh, it'll curl your hair, Boots. And you can style with it, too.

That's what's the most important feature of this product. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it does so many things. Oh, it also inflates? It makes julienne fries, baby. It's got five incremental speeds of electrostimulation. The inflation pump operates with gentle squeeze and deflates with a quick air release valve. It includes, as most vibrators do, electro gel to stimulate the electro stimulation. Dual stimulating contacts enhance pelvic contractions.

Oh, by the way, product packaging might differ from picture. Oh, shit. It might be dark purple instead of light purple. I'm not buying it. Depends on where we stole this one from. So it's just, the product just might be a bunch of copper wire and the instructions stick into power outlet.

Uh, so Bunny Bread, your name is B-R-Y and you bought this product and what did you think of it? B-R-Y B-R-Y Look in that doc, baby. Oh, shit, back in the doc. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. B-R-Y. B-R-Y.

Look in that doc, baby. Oh, shit, back in the doc. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Hey, how you doing? My name is Bri. B-R-I. It's short for B-Ryan. Anyways.

I've always been riding at the supermarket. Hey, man. So I don't know what the deal is, bros. I bought this for my wife in hopes that she would enjoy the extra stimulation. But she hates it. You know? What? Why?

Oh, my God. You called it electrocute her vagina? Dude, wait. No, there's even more. I mean, like, sit down. I have a corona. I have five. She says the thing just painfully electrocutes her when I put it on her

in the first electro setting. What? What? I'm like, what? And then, you know, like, what? And then what? I think she will try it a couple more times, because she's fucking stupid. But if not, I threw $200

in the trash, yo. I would have rather burn the money, man. We shall see. If you still want to burn the money, I think you could probably start a fire with that thing. Oh? With her vagina? If I put the money into her

vag and then I insert the... Got it. Nailed it. Alright, cool. Boots? Oh, I think I insert the... Got it. Nailed it. Alright, cool. Boots. Oh, I think I know which one I'm getting. Your name's Dave's Not Here. Dave's Not Here, man. Hey, what's up?

Dave's Not Here, man. I got reviews. One out of five stars. Aww. Zaps the person. Zaps the person. That's a bummer. Wait, why is that? Zaps the person.

That's what the product description is. Why was I supposed to know? Why would they build a dildo? That zaps the person. Next section here that Curly Q has for us is just a couple featured reviewers. There's some people that are

pretty special here. So we're going to talk about a feature reviewer by the name of Panty Polishing Girl. Oh, good. Oh, good. Oh, good. Playing the part of Panty Polishing Girl. And come ques up.

What kind of fabric do the panties need to be made of that you can polish them? I think if you've got a good enough buffer, you can do it to any panty you like. Well, I think marble is like a starter. I usually just throw my panties in my rock tumbler. Yeah, my granite. I told you about my granite panties. Iodized chrome. Kumquatsoft, what did you think of the women's six-inch heel fetish pump?

Oh, yes, hello. Women's six-heel head is fun, black PU-10, but the girls deserve to look their best. Comma, comma. Thank you for the wonderful. You're welcome. Impolishing

girl. I live in a huge all-girls dorm at a college and I wear these all day, running from room to room, polishing the girls' toes. They have me on the go, 24-7.

All their toes need to be... Did Amazon just buy clips for sale? What the fuck is going on right now? Yeah. Clips for sale prime. You know what? Fuck this whole food shit I got a better play Hang on now

All their toes need to be multicolored For the event that is going on And there's times I have had my heels on for two days With pantyhose But the girls Deserve to look their best The girls are wanting me

To get even higher heels. Yes, those girls, they demand that. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen, I love being a woman. Yeah, that's me, a woman. The girls all say I have the sexiest legs ever in the heels. That's what girls say.

Yeah. Okay. That's me, a woman. So, I have seven and a quarter inch heels on the way. They can't wait until they come. I'm so

happy I told them I will jump right in them and polish for three days non-stop for them. I think Matt Gourley's taking this character way too far. I know. Huh. What actually happened in that one? Is anyone clear?

An erection happened in that one. Hey is anyone clear uh hey an erection happened in that one no hey no let me tell you about these lupo second skin women's long sleeve turtleneck sheer top brown one size yeah hey this will be professional okay hey no no uh love these even after the other girls have them on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, no.

Hey. Oh, my God. I live in a huge girl's dorm. Hey, did you know that? I live. Yeah. I live in the air ducts above them. I come out when they're sleeping. Hey, the girl's dorm is where the girls live, guys.

It means about me. My name is Ceiling Perm sleeping. Hey, the girls dorm is where the girls live, guys. Yeah, it means about me. My name's Ceiling Permit. Yeah, I know. This is like when you write a sequel to a sci-fi book, but you have to reference the plot in the earlier book because people might not have read that one, too. So, yeah, I live in a huge girls dorm, and I have so many of these tops,

but the girls in the dorm love them as well. So they always have on every one i have when i need one i have to find a girl that will let me wear one i haven't even got a clean one on yet i always have to get one of the girls to let me put one on but it's always right when she takes it off but that's okay because I love them so much. It's okay to wear them after the girls. Their record for having them on is five consecutive

days, but it's okay with me. That's how much I love them. They are talking about wearing them for 30 consecutive days, and then have to jump right into it. But that's still okay with me. This is the nicest piece of clothing ever made. I would be ready

to... If they had it on for two months long. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Wesley Willis. Okay, so the section we're going to close on here, Curly Q put together this section called

Sex Dolls or How Many Parts Does It Take to Make a Woman? Like in metric units? Yeah, so we're going to start off with the two-foot doll. Oh, my God. Jimmy Franks, can you briefly... We represent the Lollipop Guild. Can you briefly tell me about this two-foot doll?

Yes. I'd like to tell you about the Ebox Sex Love Doll, toy height 65 centimeters, 2.13 foot, perfect, shrunken down size, woman, TPE, silicone, 3D, realistic sexy to touch, vagina, sex love for men, gays, lesbian. This thing looks creepy. It looks like something you buy at a fucking dollar tree uh excuse me was that what do you buy a dollar tree normally uh just to clarify uh just to clarify because you know i think i'm in the

target market here uh sure yeah you specify vagina sex love for men, gays, lesbian? That's right. That's right. And I think once I tell you about it, you'll understand what I mean. Okay, great. Yeah. Her small size makes her easy to maneuver around, very sexy to touch, caress, kiss, and hold tight. She is always ready for sex, smiling yes at you with those beautiful bright eyes. Let me tell you about some of the features.

Okay. Material. TPE silicone body with metal skeleton. The stimulation up to 90% of the... I'm sorry, was there a question? No, we just want to know more. We just want to know more. That was the question.

It was, uh... Yeah. The simulation up to 98% of the real girl. Odorless. What's the missing 2%? That's the part we replaced with a metal skeleton. Odorless and skin friendly. 100% medical grade FDA certificate.

Awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and, if that wasn't enough, how about some vagina sex love? Any time to cooperate with your needs. She is such good therapy for you, Attitude, and you thoroughly enjoy her. Sure.

Oh, my God. Jimmy Franks, can you just read the bit from the product blurb that I posted into our chat here? Oh, yeah. She's actually shaped like the perfect woman who's been shrunken down.

Yay! I'm glad that she'll cooperate with my needs. Okay, so then we have one component to the woman that we're going to build, but we're going to need another component. We're going to have the Limbless Doll. Now, our website, of course, is thefbl.us.

You scroll down to page 18 in the document, you'll be seeing the link for the realistic 3D double-sided body life love doll. And F+, I would like you to click on that link now. Oh, okay. Just respond to the photo that you're about to see. Oh, the second photo.

Oh, the second photo. Oh my God. I have more of a problem with the fourth photo. There's not a good photo here. Oh, my God. It's not like there's an okay photo. Oh, this is fine. I'll settle on this.

I'm discovering who the serial killer is. It's me. I just want to tell you a little bit about it. So, four. The choking on a coffee dick is really. There are. Oh, my God. Those eyes.

Oh. Those eyes. Those eyes. Oh my god. Those eyes. Only $180, guys. That's a pretty good value for Amazon silicone sex women. There are four ways to play right now.

You've got oral, vaginal, anal, and breast sex. The product is 100% guaranteed by Amazon. Oh, good. Thanks, Bezos. Hello, Jeff Bezos. What is your return policy? Just out of curiosity. Yes, what is it?

Hi. Anyway, this is Asian teen girl sized oh gross that seems right yeah okay so this hot young female doll body is inviting you enticingly to thrust deep past her plump lips down her sexy throat until she feels your hot love. Then in round two, slam her tight virginity until you are ready to explode all over her plump, sexy rear, pushing into her tight opening to fill her like a cream filled donut. That's how donuts work. Yeah. Made of super realistic material.

She feels almost better than the real thing. No nagging. No problems. Just fucking. Anytime you want. Perfectly simulated for exceptional realism. The solid internal core provides extra reinforced durability and realistic firmness in strategic body locations. in strategic body locations.

All of her insertion openings are crafted to provide extra sensuality for mind-blowing fuck sessions. And even when her holes are fisted, if you will, she snaps back tight as a virgin. The incredible TPR material stretches an amazing six times its normal length, giving an incredibly durable product.

But even though you could abuse her, if you take care of her, she will service you for years to come. So just do whatever you want right now. This Asian teen-sized doll is reduced in size for easy handling while maintaining a realistic enough weight to best simulate doing an actual girl without having a workout. Wouldn't want to get thin, would we, fellas? The whip's getting in the way. She seems a bit small at first, but just imagine

the young Asian with that hot little butt that you want to fuck so bad the package condition is private and discreet. Yeah. Oh, that is a product. 100% guaranteed by Amazon. If you have allergies. Seek a doctor's advice.

Hey, I'm allergic to cilantro. Is that going to be a problem while I'm raping this plastic thing? Excuse me, doctor. I want to fuck this armless, legless horror doll. Am I allergic to whatever this fucking thing is made out of? Oh, sorry. I was about to finish up this product description. I have a note here for my lawyers.

Let me just read this off. Note, Asian 18-year-old girls are the same size as American 14-year-old girls. Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Why? Why are you doing this to me? That's not a...

Why would you... There we go. Why would you say... Yep. Ah. That's... Now it's jail for nobody saves us of all liability now 23.2 inches in length even if it somehow explodes we're safe Oh, man, there's a bunch of reviews of this thing.

We can't do them all, but Stog, I do want you to do Dunpeel Hunter, please. Dunpeel Hunter. Recommend? Yes. Oh, good. Best product for the best price I found. Each tunnel has a different feel. Hello, woman.

Please let me access your tunnels. This tunnel has a different feel. The mouth is small in depth. Harder to use than I expected. The rear entry is small and tight, but feels good. The front is a little longer if you like it a little looser.

Jesus. When she bounces up and down, she shakes her head in a no-like motion. Jesus Christ! She knew! She knew she knew it was real. It was Pinocchio. She came to life. Oh my God.

What have you done? This is the worst. Oh my God. I wasn't ready for that. Well, so what have you done? What the fuck? what the fuck all in all built well and should last a good

long time even with all the abuse she gets Jesus Christ yeah so another one in there there's the tiny torso we don't need to go through no no no. Excuse me.

Hello. No. I'm an Amazon customer. Not worth the money. Flimsy. The eyes fall out. And the wig. Oh, God.

Wait, like in a Tex Avery kind of way? Where she goes, ahooka. It's not even worth using because of how difficult it is to clean. There is no drain or release. Terrible design flaw. Listen, when I've got it up on the jacks, I can't figure out at all how to drain it out. Oh my God. where's the filter

Jesus wept hey I'm Amazon customer Amazon customer it definitely fills the void when my SO isn't in the mood I stare at her while I

oh oh that's horrifying I wonder if your SO also has that horrifying expression very very very last thing in here is the male masturbator uh jimmy franks can you tell me a little bit about that please i would love because we have we have some limbless women and obviously that's terrific we have tiny women and that's also terrific but uh what else could

we could we have really uh you mean, weird science kind of collage. Yeah. The male masturbator. Tracy's dog, realistic, mouth blowjob, stroker, oral sex toys,

vagina, pocket pussy, with deep throat, teeth, and tongue for masturbation. Why is it called Tracy's dog?

What? That's the name of the company that makes the male masturbation. Tracy's dog has That's the name of the company that makes the male masturbation. Tracy's dog has got it going on. Tracy's dog has got it going on.

I'm looking at it and it's a company that just all they do is they just traffic in sex toys and none of them are particularly like like furry, I guess? Like there's no like dragon dildo stuff. It's just that it's a store that sells dildos, and it's called Tracy's Dog.

I loved that dog, and so I named my sex toy company after it. And that dog loved peanut butter. But let me tell you about the male masturbator. It's made of soft and safe TPE material. It's pliable

like real skin, giving a lifelike feeling with every thrust. It has a pretty pair of lips for you to slide your dick past. Soft teeth for grazing past the spots that drive you wild. Hey, no. No. Why? A soft, pliable tongue that wants to lick you. Okay, I'm not over the tongue.

That's such a weird feature. It features a 3D internal textured tunnel and super stretchy material with a tight textured sensation. This stroker is designed to give men realistic blowjob experience. So now there's a graph of sort of a cutaway image of the oh my god.

So horrifying. Ah, that's where the vagina is. What are the features inside of this mouth? Oh, the features. So it's got a sexy vagina inside of the mouth. Where in the mouth is the sexy vagina it's got a sexy vagina. Inside of the mouth? Yes. Where in the mouth is the sexy vagina? It's a sexy vagina, a lifelike oral cavity, which leads to the sexy vagina.

Oh, right. Okay. The vagina connects to the oral cavity. Yeah. deep throat. The magic tongue. The hot lip. And the pure tooth.

What's the feature in the very back? The non-penetration design. Try as you might, you're not going to fuck the back of this thing. This is horrifying. It's like a roach motel for your penis excuse me do you have a sexy vagina in the back of your mouth too uh i mean i will now take questions from the audience why oh? Oh, yeah. Hey, Tracy's dog. Yes, he is.

Yes. Are the teeth made from hard plastic? No. We have upgraded the teeth to soft material for a more comfortable experience. Thank you. A more meth-like experience. We used to use real teeth.

So that's what pure tooth means. Until this cemetery called the police on us. Hello, my name is Robert. Can you apply lipstick to it? No, it peels right off immediately. Getting ready for a big night at the club. Me and my girlfriend going out. It's our anniversary.

Stog, you're Amazon customer. Yes, it is me. Once again, Amazon customer. Buyer of creepy mouth fuck puppets. Easy to clean, and a solid device to train yourself. That's how low

you can get your standards. Da-da-da! Da-da-da! You gotta fuck it, Rock! You gotta fuck it rock you gotta fuck it rock they weren't kidding the teeth and tongue really do make this replicate the feeling of flash yo this is probably the closest thing outside of well the real thing. It's uncanny how much it even sounds real. Yeah, me, Amazon customer, the receiver of many blowjobs. Sounds real.

Sounds real? Sounds real. Dicks have ears. Okay, yep. Which is my only complaint. It can be loud. God. So if that is an issue, keep that in mind.

Don't turn the dial up to 11. When you connect this thing to your subwoofer, you know, it's just... We're not gonna take it! Yeah! Make sure this thing is unpaired from your Bluetooth audio sound system before you fuck it. Make sure you use lube, of course. Easy to clean and a solid device to train yourself for the real thing. Like I get a lot of the time.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So open up new tab. Hey, Firefox. Clear history. The last day.

Clear now. All right. Fantastic. So F plus, what did we learn from this episode? People are really willing to use their real name and photograph on these things. Oh, my God.

You go right ahead. I can't wait for the cross-referencing of Whole Foods' customer marketing database with Amazon's customer marketing database. Oh, that's going to be so good. What a wonderful hell of big data that will be.

I learned that instead of buying a vibrator, I should save some money by going to the firework stand and shooting a rumble candle at my asshole. No, no, your girlfriend's asshole. Jimmy Franks, how many stars would you give that experience zero stars and yeah if you're just gonna buy it if you're just gonna buy a vibrator for 20 bucks on amazon yeah you know it's it's sort and these are just um the market is just the market on

amazon is just filled with all sorts of easily flooded, cheap vibrators that will fucking blow up. And it's just, yeah, there's a reason they are $20. You got to spend a little more on those things. 2.5 stars from Stog. Yeah. Buy American. And this has been Stog's analysis of market penetration. Yes.

This is what capitalism, this is the evil what capitalism has wrought on humanity. This is the real problem here. Yeah. Yeah, I've always found that thing a fun data challenge for Amazon to solve. on to solve because on the one hand um they do sell i mean porn and dildos and like you know like the actual the actual kindle market is mostly porn but even though that's true and even though that's what they traffic in they also have to like obscure that from so if you want to actually find those things you have to actually search out very specific terms. Because otherwise it's like, nah, I don't want to show this to you by accident. But then when you break down that door, then a whole bunch of fun people are out.

And they have exciting stories to tell you. The website, as always, is thefbl.us. We got some dumb websites you can check out. They're very cool. And they're about to get kind of cooler. I got a plan for something like that. Something with the dumb websites very soon. Anything else? Jimmy Franks?

Any other thoughts? Nope. I just gotta hit one-click ordering on all these open tabs I got. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Get that free shipping. Alright, bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

Burn in love. Burn in love. Bye.