The F Plus - 265: Only The Preambles To Recipes

Episode Date: November 5, 2017

Food blogging has a conundrum: People like to read and share recipes, but with there only being so many unique varients on "Sausage And Peppers", how can one particular food blog hope to cultivate its audience? Why, with 🌟zazzle🌟 of course! And words. Lots and lots of words. To that end, we're looking at one particular food blog, and specifically all the content that happens before she gets to the recipe. This week, The F Plus feels that kind of excitement that only a new tub of Crisco can bring.

60 years ago one day, I was walking down the street. I was cruising, it broke me, you know what I mean? Something was cooking, but was it the chicken? Hi there! This is the F Plus Podcast, and it's an inspiring place for terrible things. Right with enthusiasm, in the room tonight we have Boots Rain Gear. The day I made them, I literally could not shut up about it. I called over everyone in the studio. Look at this. Look. Aren't they so pretty? Hey, you. Look, look, look.

Jimmy Franks. I'm consoling myself over the loss of my sentimental treasures by making these healthy cinnamon roll pancakes because I want my kitchen to sing Brad Paisley songs, even if I don't have a bread maker anymore. Achilles Elyse. Yummy, yum, yum, diddly-doo.

Squiddy. Scramble dags were always gag city for me until I was introduced to the soft scramble and obviously my life changed forever. And Lemon. Thumbs up emoji. Thumbs up emoji. Thumbs up emoji. Exclamation point.

Hey, S-Plus. Hi, Lemon. Hey, S-Plus. Hi, Lemon. Hey, Lemon. Hey, how is everyone doing on this global hand-washing day, which is the actual day that it is right now. It's global hand-washing day. Now, that's kind of an Easter egg for the listeners to find out what day we actually recorded, right? You know, if it's interesting enough to Google for it,

and I don't know. Well, I've been celebrating Global Handwashing Day all day. I'm sad that there's only like an hour and 45 minutes left of it in my time zone. That is sad. That is sad. Go back to having dirty hands tomorrow. I'm looking here

at a room and we've got Achilles Heelies and we've got Jimmy Franks and we've got Squiddy. We've got Boots. We don't have Frank West. Now, one thing about having Frank West in the room, Frank West doesn't like recipes as a media. He doesn't like reading recipes. He would much prefer to read about cum. No, he's not here to defend himself.

He's not here to defend himself. He's not here to defend himself. I mean, that's just what I heard, you know. Word gets around. People talk to you. Lots of people are talking about this. Hates food, loves cum. That's his thing. Can we get his opinion on recipes with cum?

I think we got those actually. Oh, okay. So we are looking here at a dock that looks pretty special. And it is, so it's a document that is called Only the Preambles to Recipes. It's really the most important part. Yeah. So this was a document given to us by a first-time submitter named Ryro the Dino.

Ryro the Dino. And so, yeah, so we're going to be going to a site called Pinch of Yum. I hate it already. So Pinch of Yum, there's a little sidebar with some fun information. It says, hi, nice to meet you. I'm Lindsey, former fourth grade teacher, now full-time blogger. What? Whoa.

Was she surprised? No, that was mine. How did this happen? That wouldn't make sense. I was fired? Full-time blogger? What the hell? And I live in Minnesota.

Favorite things include my camera lake days and dark chocolate and then there's a link that says learn more and i'd rather not um so uh so so boots yeah i've got a recipe i've got a recipe here that you're not going to hear about but you're going to hear about the preamble to it it It's called Five Ingredient Pumpkin Alfredo. Alfredo. By the way, her husband's name is Bjork. Okay.

I mean, I guess I'm not going to make fun of a man for having a name, but just putting it out there. Hey, wait a minute. Oh, a shocked emoji four times would be the appropriate reaction right now oh okay i know why i'm here today and i know why you are too it starts with pumpkin and it ends with alfredo all right see you existential crisis over i hope i hope it's the great is not the word in the middle. It's the great pumpkin, Alfredo Brown.

What in the what? We made a pumpkin sauce that is as creamy and luscious as it... Oh, God. I can't read. Have more beer. We made a pumpkin sauce that is as creamy and luscious, and it is currently a major magical feature of our fall food lives. Made with five ingredients, coming together in just under 30 minutes. It's a luxurious gift to ourselves and those at our tables, and it's very likely to bring world peace.

I was expecting a question mark there. Sorry. It's very likely to bring world peace. Deal with it. I will not. I will not, Lindsay. world peace. Deal with it. I will not. I will not, Lindsay. I won't deal with it. I would just like to point out that there is not an animated gif of a pair of sunglasses coming down over this.

Pumpkin Alfredo. You skeptics. So deal with that. Just got served. Served a dish of piping hot pumpkin Alfredos, which he got served. No, really. This sauce is... No, really. This sauce is made with just five ingredients,

which I'm pretty sure is the basic reality of all of our lives. What is she talking about? Okay, yeah. My existential crisis is back. I'm sorry. I like her no frills, just straight to the point writing style. There's just no superfluous language. I'm definitely ready to be back in the kitchen after a long summer break from my – wait, I wrote a food blog.

I wrote a food blog. And I – You can't cook during the summer. You you can't actually do it it doesn't work and i'm craving the smell of soups slow simmering on the stove and homemade bread baking in the oven but the best food things for me at the moment are five ingredient low maintenance come together in a snap wonders. Very specifically, it has to be five. Fuck these six ingredients.

Does not compute. If we're talking soup and bread, I'm thinking this and this. And there's not even links. Oh, it's just pictures. There's just animated pictures that come underneath it. So that's cool. That is some hypnotic pasta, though.

I'll be watching this. Goodbye. See ya. Bye. Bye. Bye. My food brain works like clockwork. November and December will come,

and I will be totally ready for the long ingredient list, curry and soup, and casserole recipes. The traditional holiday dishes that take a day and a half to come together, and the more involved baking projects that involve things like homemade dough, gasp, and its wonderfully slow double rise. But please, let's not rush things. It's not December yet. Are you sure?

What month was it when you started writing? It's September. Oh, gotcha. The season where I want all the good feelings of getting back into the kitchen again without actually doing a ton of prep grocery shopping or thinking in general like who is with me on this no well those hands are just going lower and lower like firmly palms planted on the floor. For this recipe, we'll use the egg...

Wait, this is ingredients. Boo. Fuck that. Yeah, skip that. So wait, is the point that we're never even going to know what the five ingredients are for this? Yeah, that is the point. Should we just like censor it out? For this recipe, we use the... If an ingredient is ever brought up in these, we we just censor it out? This recipe, we use the...

If an ingredient is ever brought up in these, we need to censor it. Okay. Gong you. Trapped door. So we're still going to stick around in this pasta area. Pastel.

It's hostile pastel. So, Squiddy, which of these recipes would you like to bring to us? Would you like to bring us the preamble to 15-minute lo mein or garlic basil chicken with tomato butter sauce?

I like the idea of the 15-minute lo mein. 15-minute lo mein. Great. So it only takes 15 minutes to cook, so therefore you can use the rest of your time to blog. Yeah, exactly. I have day drinking to do. Well, I think that's what she did right before she wrote this recipe, too. Hello, lo mein. hello lo mein this 15 minute wonder is absolutely my new go-to for a quick summer asian noodle stir fry lo mein ftw lo mein fuck the world deal with it please tell me you guys eat, love, and are generally familiar with lo mein.

I'll give you one of those three. You have one and a half. Maybe you're a Panda Buffet regular. What the fuck? What the fuck? You're a food blogger. Okay. I might have been a food blogger sick burn.

Just walk into Panda Buffet and be like, I'll have my regular. No, you just grab it. It's right there. It's a buffet. Maybe you're a Panda Buffet regular and you not only know Lomaine, but the people at Panda know you when you walk in the door

and they waste no time piling high your little plastic tray with scoop after scoop of those stir-fried noodles while you watch a little protectively from the other side of the glass because couldn't they have given you a bigger scoop like they did last time? Come on, please? See, you're not familiar with this because of the Canadian dollar, but when we in America go to the Panda Buffet, we have servants that pile up our general so okay so all right so so

i just need to understand panda buffet is not a buffet restaurant it's just it's a cafeteria yeah good i think it might exist in her imagination actually okay i don't know what panda buffet is oh wait Oh, wait. No, I'm thinking of Pandaba Express. You're right. That's not a real place. No. Okay. This is a place from her, I don't know, weird blogger mind. Condescending imagination?

Yeah. From Food Brain. Or maybe, Food Brain, or maybe you mostly know Lomaine from your growing up days because good news, kids. Mom and Dad are ordering Chinese takeout tonight. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Mom and Dad are ordering Chinese takeout tonight. Yes. Yes. And little preteen you is most definitely going to eat your weight in salty Asian noodles, then revisit it in the fridge, cold, right before bed. Am I right? No. Like chicken nuggets and shit. I mean.

Or maybe you've never had lo mein and you're giving the rest of us that look right now. I hear you sitting high up there saying that you would never eat cold takeout noodles right before bed. Oh my god, she's listening to us. Wait, go on, because she is. There's judgment in your heart. You think you're not into this whole stir-fried noodles and vegetable thing. That's not wait, no! You made quite the jump there.

In which case, it is time for you to get low-main in your life, friends. This is your big day. We've all been waiting for you. Welcome to your low-main intervention. I'd like Saul to go around the room and talk about how low-main has affected them. I'm Bill.

Hey, Bill. I haven't eaten lo mein in seven years. Just one day at a time, everybody. Thanks, Bill. Thank you. I was looking for Anon, but you guys just seem to be talking about greasy noodles in here. I'll just, I'll just see myself out.

Honestly, whoever knew how easy it could be to make low main at home. Anyone that's ever owned a pan. People that have five senses and are ambulatory. And as a followup to those who already did know, why didn't you even tell me? I didn't know that was my job. It's because you've never stopped blogging.

Never stopped blogging. Soy sauce, where do I buy that? Until two weeks ago, I'd always just assumed this was some kind of lengthy process involving mysteriously delicious ingredients that I wouldn't have in my standard Midwestern kitchen.

What is that? Oh my god. Okay. Plus, did you know that you can get a platter of lo mein large enough to feed the neighborhood for just $6.50 at the Panda Buffet? So who would even do this at home? Do you work for Panda Buffet?

She must be in Panda Express, right? I assume so, but like, okay, so I'm looking, Panda Buffet, there is a Panda Buffet in Minnesota. I'm serious, let's go! Except hold the phone for just one sec.

One. Making lo mein is not a lengthy process. It's going to come together in one pan in something like 15 minutes start to finish. Joy of joys. I seriously had no idea when I set out to learn about all things lo mein that it would be such a gem of a quick plus easy recipe and not in the way where you're skimping on anything just by nature. It's that simple. You're a food blogger. Hey guys, did you know that Szechuan cooking is, like, really fast? I don't know.

It's like a food that you kind of fry and then you stir it. That's weird. It's real fast. I don't know. It's weird because, you know, like, Chinese delivery places always take so long to get there. Yeah. Uh-huh. at Chinese delivery places always take so long to get there. Lo mein doesn't require fancy or unusual ingredients like

at all. A quality soy sauce and sesame oil combo is basically it. That's your lo mein magic right there for real. Just one bottle of good soy sauce and you're in lo mein business. I mean... I'm in the low main business.

That's your whole fucking flavor? Yeah. It actually kind of is. If it helps, she actually uses two different kinds of soy sauce. Oh, boy. What? She uses some light and dark soy sauce. Light and dark soy sauce, yep.

I mean, almost everyone, no matter what their cooking level is, has a bottle of soy sauce in their fridge, right? Or at the very least, a few packets of soy sauce from leftover takeout. You know I see you out there. Who is your audience? I don't understand. I just don't understand any of this. She used ramen noodles, too. Oh, did she?

Oh, did she really use ramen noodles? Yeah, you're right. The picture doesn't look anything like ramen noodles. The important thing, too, is that she always puts her food in that, like, pretentious bowl that she sourced. I'll have you know it's fair trade. It's a free... Artesian bowl free cracked bowl

can you write me another six page article about that you should talk about how you buy bowls at Ikea explain to me how supermarkets work you could get it from the bowl buffet for pretty cheap but

hey audience Markets work. And you could get it from the bowl buffet for pretty cheap, but... Hey, audience, I want to talk to my bowls. Have you heard of these things? They're great. And finally, lo mein is awesome as takeout, but it's more awesome as a mostly healthy takeout at home dish that can simultaneously clean out the fridge by using up any and all veggies and proteins that a person could ever want in their silky stir-fried noodles all right all right all right and this and this i mean i i unfortunately i have to cut

you off because this goes on forever. Please don't cut me off. It takes longer to read this than it does to cook your fucking lo mein. Right. I could have actually gone to the place and had them prepare it for me. Love hand up over there. I could have gotten takeout and brought it back here in the time. You could have come here and... I could have flown to Minnesota.

I could have taken a fucking wagon, horse-d have flown to Minnesota. I could have taken a fucking wagon, horse-drawn carriage to Minnesota and you still wouldn't be reading the same. And then, tomorrow... And then we're, oh shit, Lomaine. What about Lomaine? Oh, hold on. Hey, I'm Tanya.

Hey, Tanya. So profesh. Love it. Pinned. Pinned. Thanks, Tanya. So profesh. Love it. Pinned. Thanks, Tanya. Liz at Traveling Table Tales says, This looks absolutely incredible. Three-ingredient sauce?

Yes, please. I can't wait to try it. XX. Emily says, yum, yum, yum. We might be one of those take packet hoarders. Which, I mean, if I could parse that, I'm assuming, like, people who take, like, sauce packets? You're one of those weird people? My grandma.

Oh, you have sauce packets in your fridge? Holy shit! Let's start a club! I really want to call her out on this, though, for using ramen noodles, which are always really squiggly. And the pictures are clearly spaghetti noodles.

So, wait a second. I mean, this is like a... Sorry, okay. This is the crazy shouters. I am loving it. Thanks for sharing quick recipe. Now I can't control to

eat it. I will tell this recipe to my wife. No, man! Wife! No, man! Smash! Okay. Okay. So this next section is called I Hope You Like Lentils.

Good. Just dry by themselves? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a pretty quick one. I'm going to take this one for myself. This is the Creamy Thai Sweet Potatoes and Lentils. I'm going to take this one for myself. This is the creamy Thai sweet potatoes and lentils. I had an embarrassing moment today. By the way, I don't think we're actually leaving the site.

No, we aren't. We actually aren't. There's more where this came from. I had an embarrassing moment today. A two-part embarrassing moment, if we're being honest. a two-part embarrassing moment if we're being honest part one was me running into the gas station in the rain to pick up some last minute baking supplies i wish that were the end of the story part two i shit my pants lentils i had chocolate chips and butter in mind, but I found myself with chocolate chips and Crisco in my hands as I walked out. I don't know if you've ever bought Crisco from a gas station, but I'm sure you can imagine the feelings one has walking out of such a fine place in the rain with an arm full of canned lard.

Yes, that feeling is called looking forward to getting fisted. Crisco's vegetable oil, though. Yeah, it's just the feeling of shame and arousal. No, no, no. Crisco is rated out fat, I think, isn't it? Yeah, it's fat in a can. Yeah, but it's sharpening. It's not lard.

Oh, it's vegetable sharpening? Oh, okay. It's not lard. All right, well, you're right. We're wrong. Is it? Oh, you're right. Yeah, you're right.

Hey, Bootsy, you have a food blog? Lard substitute. It's called My Wife Makes Pies and Sends Me Out to Get Groceries. Pretty good. Yummo. It's a My Wife Makes Pies and Sends Me Out to Get Groceries. Pretty good. Yummo! That's a pretty good blog. Hey, assholes, there's a part two. Part two happened when an older lady standing in the literally freezing rain

knocked on my window to find out if I was indeed going to pump air into my tires. I didn't explain that. No, I didn't know I was sitting in front of the air pump thingamajig. And yes, I was just sitting in my car eating chocolate chips and posting a picture of it on Facebook.

Oh, God. I don't think I really needed to explain anything. I should probably learn. I should probably learn about pumping air in my tires. The end! Now make some fucking Thai sweet potatoes and lentils.

It's just a non-sequitur end of the recipe. Yep. Hey, I'm Catherine. I once walked to a gas station in my pajamas Hey, I'm Catherine. Hey, Catherine. I once walked to a gas station in my pajamas at 3 a.m. in the morning to buy a Krispy Kreme.

It was one of my finest hours. Love the punchy flavors in this dish. What? I once went to CVS for a pregnancy test at 2 a.m. Love your recipe. Pinned it. Okay, cool. Let's read off some more red lentils.

Achilles, I think I wanted you to tell me about the red curry lentils, right? Like, you know, why don't you just sort of like wax poetic about what red curry lentils bring to your mind? That sounds exotic, really. Yeah. Free associate. Yeah. Swimming to Cambodia in lentils. All right.

Let me tell you about red curry lentils. Red curry lentils. Alright, let me tell you about red curry lentils. Red curry lentils? Perfect, thick, creamy, saucy, healthy, and easy. I need you to know that this is yummy.

And tell the people! I need them to know. Tell them my story. Red curry lentils are yummy. They're yummy. I did it. It was almost there. You beat me to it.

Distractingly yummy. Like when I'm teaching a math lesson and I remember this waiting for me in my lunchbox, I drool a little bit and then I can't remember the difference between concave and convex polygons. So tell me again how you lost your job. I just cared too much. You're a full-time blogger now, right? Yeah. I just was too good. The school board didn't appreciate how yummy these lentils were.

Which, by the way, does anyone use those in real life? Sometimes I just wonder. Oh, that's why she's not a teacher anymore. Yes, yes. I've kind of had a fling with lentils lately. These guys, this one, and now the red curry lentils? I can barely stand it. Cheap, healthy, versatile, and absolutely delicious.

Do they have lentils? What if she switched lentils for children, like her students? My God, that would make me... It's like that episode of MASH where the chicken was a baby. It was a baby! Lentils! Lentils were a baby! Oh, God! She ate the baby! Lentils Lentils for a baby Oh god

She hates a baby Does anyone really need these anyway Anyway Do they have lentils In the Philippines Please lord Is she going to the Philippines No just another non sequitur

I just hope those people can have some lentils Not sure if you like lentils well you do today you are going to love lentils just cook your lentils and toss them up in this spicy red curry sauce with sautéed

onions and a shot of coconut milk they should have never remade Patton let's do shots of coconut milk. They should have never remade Patton. Let's do shots of coconut milk, you guys. Hell yeah. By the way, I gotta say, the one-two punch of mash deep cut followed by Patton,

I think we are really tuned in to the cultural references that our audience will understand. Hit that millennial demo. You see, in the finale to Matt. It's your favorite Buster Keaton routine. Oh, my perfectly spicy goodness. Spread them on soft, warm garlic naan.

Eat them straight up cold out of the fridge. Stir them up into a big bowl of rice or shovel them into your face. And your spouse's face. And your kid's face. And your face again. Everybody's going to eat these fucking lentils. I cooked them. You're going to fucking eat them.

See? You love them. This brings us back to hand washing day whoa and that's it that was great uh there was uh uh the next one in the doc uh by the way document available on thefpl.us uh it's called perfect baked salmon with lentils and lemon herb sauce uh and uh cameron diaz shows up at some point. So that's fun. Yeah. Yeah.

Just a quick outtake from that. Currently reading the body book by Cameron Diaz. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that the inspiration for the super simple, super healthy, perfect baked salmon one pot meal was literally just listening to Cameron Diaz talk to me about the benefits of lentils on my way to work i parked the car at the grocery store walked up into whole foods god bless whole foods and so on i just want to i want to i want to rewind back to the red curl lentils uh yeah yeah uh page because i'm gina at running to the kitchen honestly I'm not

sure I run to the honestly I'm not sure I'm gonna proceed I'm not sure I've ever used any math basics aside besides cross multiplication in real life I was

an awesome math student now I realize how damn silly it all was it cross multiplication in real life I was an awesome math student now I realize how damn silly it all was it means nothing in real life oh man scathing indictment of the public school systems nestled into this fucking food blog also

girls think math are hard yeah that's true that's what Barbie told me. But Lindsay says, beans are the best, in my humble opinion. Hi, I'm Bev at BevCooks. This is my life. Yay! Yay! All of these people just food bloggers that are just cannibalistically...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The people that read food blogs are food bloggers. Are food bloggers, yeah, for sure. Oh, neat. Okay, so yeah, this is all new to me, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all branding. We are going to be skipping over the section called Detox Lentils. Thank you.

There's a whole detox section, which is fun, but I instead want to do the one called... It is medically sound, we should point out. Before we skip the detox section, it's all very medically sound. Oh, yeah. No, 100%. It doesn't make you angry

at all. Think about all the toxins that are in your body that could be detoxified. Oh, my lentils. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Toxins. They're a thing. They're bad.

Tell me more. Well, okay. They're just things that like to stick to lentils. It's fine. Oh. Oh. Well, you know, she is a math teacher, so, you know. She was a math teacher.

She at least has some scientific bona fide compared to some of the people that have appeared on this show. Anyway, we're going to skip all of the detox section. Instead, go to the section entitled Mexican with scare quotes around it. So, Jimmy Franks, this is the healthy Mexican casserole with roasted corn and peppers. And just sort of what does that do to your brain? Paint a picture with words. Paint a picture with words. A Mexican casserole that's both healthy and delicious?

Filled with roasted corn and peppers? Yes. So, memes? No. What? Wait, what's a meme? You know, the weird pictures with the snarky random text captions right on the photo. I am that person who tries to act smart and professional when using social media, but is secretly obsessed with memes.

This is such a good branding exercise for you. So random. You're so random. I mean, we're talking meme love. I don't know what it is about them, because if I try to read them out loud and I explain them to Bjork, my husband, they fall flat, and I feel like a crazy. Those gross crazies.

But it's like the magic has to happen in your head because when i see a good meme especially uh on involving animals extra especially involving kittens or baby animals or crazed dogs there's an out of control laugh track going off of my brain. In my face. Yeah, out of control laugh track. I can imagine it. The thing going ha ha ha ha ha ha. So naturally this post is dedicated to all the meme greats of the world. We salute you! You make us laugh uncontrollably and make social media 300% more fun. We salute you! You make us laugh uncontrollably and make social media 300% more fun.

We salute you! I hate this! I hate this! I hate all of your half a million Instagram followers. Like, for example... And now I bring you the Harambe and Jean-Luc Picard lasagna. And now I bring you the Harambe and Jean-Luc Picard lasagna. Like, for example, grumpy cat.

Oh, I assume you know grumpy cat memes because I assume you are fellow time wasters who spend the hours of your day looking and laughing at cats. Now maybe I'm realizing you're people who use time appropriately, and therefore don't know Grumpy Cat. Not if I'm reading this blog. Not using my time appropriately. Oh, dang. I don't want to botch you around, but Googling that right now might be the most important part of your day. Become acquainted and enjoy.

Assuming that your day is just a complete waste of time otherwise. And I'm going to do a list of some more bullshit memes. Yeah, it sure is. It sure is. Just dogs. What?

I mean, they're not even... Fine. I don't care about anything in the world. It's like three years old, you guys. She was way on top of the memes three years ago. You can really see the patina.

Her meme knowledge was on fleek. They hadn't... Alright, let's get through this fucking thing. Okay. Anyway, yeah, so, like, memes and stuff. Yeah. Yep.

I love them so much. So, for today's post, I made one of my food photos into a meme. Oh, God. That would have been weird. So, you didn't. I didn't, though. And then she didn't didn't and then she didn't yeah then she didn't honestly that's really disappointing right cause the best

thing she can provide here is the idea of making it into a meme but not the ability to follow through no it took her several years to stumble onto that like animated gif recipe thing. Again, I'm still watching that, though. Then just in that moment, enough oxygen reached her brain that she remembered that she's a food blogger.

And then she talks about food for a second. She finally was able to gather her thoughts. And then snaps out of it. And then she snaps out of it like, hey, you guys, just remember, memes for life. She was finally able to gather her thoughts over the sound of the carbon monoxide sensor blaring. All right, let's get some more Mexican food. We're going to get some... Boots, why don't you bring us some breakfast enchiladas with roasted poblano sauce?

Okay. This will save me from the fact that I was just looking at one of her recipes. And like... Yeah. So I know we're not supposed to talk about the actual food in this episode. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But what I'm looking at here is called a mango chicken salad. Oh no! And it's literally chicken mango mayonnaise. Oh god. That was pretty cheesy.

Oh dear! And then you fucking eat it. You fucking eat it. You fucking eat it. Wait, so I see the picture. Are you telling me that the actual recipe is chicken and mango and mayonnaise? Yeah, it's a chicken salad sandwich, but you know. There's some green onion. There's a little bit of sugar.

Oh, God. And there's fresh basil, which is where the greens are there. And that is. Mangoes aren't great. Mangoes aren't great. Mangoes aren't sweet enough. Right. Of course, you've got to add sugar to your mayonnaise

for your mango chicken salad. That is barf in a bun. Okay. Anyway, we're talking about breakfast enchiladas with roasted poblano sauce. Okay, good. I hope we'll actually're talking about breakfast enchiladas with roasted poblano sauce. Okay, good. I hope we'll actually be talking about that. We're talking about breakfast enchiladas.

But first a word from Purple Mattress. Purple Mattress will not send you any razors not one not one if we do accidentally send you a razor we're sorry first the sauce now the breakfast enchilada finale friends these are breakfast enchiladas. Why is that in all caps? Wait, though, let me say that again. Breakfast. Breakfast enchiladas.

Yeah, there it is. Yep. That you were. Okay. Beginning of a sentence that you are going to make in your own house and then devour as breakfast and lunch and dinner and midnight snack for the foreseeable days. That's important. Is it going to be cold from the refrigerator? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't know that yet. 36 degree enchiladas? Yum! Everything else has been cold from the refrigerator. Spoilers. That are going... We like to start sentences with that. That are going to make you either a breakfast hero or yourself

or a breakfast hero to... Come on, it's super simple. That is what that says. I'm just like, okay. I'm trying to parse this into an actual sentence. That are going to make you either a breakfast hero to yourself or a breakfast hero to the world's luckiest souls who get to share this pan of cheesy goodness with you. She's a teacher. A math teacher.

Yeah, a math teacher. That's fine. Things are looking real good, guys. Real good. yeah math teacher that's fine things are looking real good guys real good like i like how that you keep having to like blow our minds with the concept of like making food in your kitchen yeah i just would like to reassure you that this is food that you put in your body human yeah oh my god oh my god oh my god guys tacos oh my god. Oh, my God, guys. Tacos. Oh, my God. You're going to make them, and then you're going to eat them, and they're going to be fucking tacos.

All right. So they're loaded with ingredients. We don't need to talk about that. No, God, no. Once you figure out your filling, things are about to be wrapped up in a nice, snug tortilla, hug and blessed with that creamy spinach and roasted poblano sauce that we just got done adoring how do I even express my love how

this combo of flavors plus my hungry taste buds plus everyone's favorite meal of the day ellipses it's magical keep going keep going there's more to learn about these enchiladas please keep going there's more magical fruit there's there's more there's more to learn about

about these enchiladas please keep going on a more personal note wave emoji i'm headed off today for a girls weekend getaway last year for our first ever girls weekend getaway we went to aspen colorado for lattes fall hikes hot tubbing kind of vibe. It was everything. No, blogging must pay a lot. Bjork does. Come home from a fun weekend of straight hangouts, talking and fun, or semi-depressed for a week and then immediately start planning your next getaway.

In this phase of life, scheduling something means we are working around babies. Do blog babies count? No! What is a blog baby? But we made it work. And so this year, on this very day, we are headed to Scottsdale, Arizona, for more of a sun spa pool kind of situation.

While Scottsdale might be feeling more like a spring day than the hot and steamy tropics right now. Luckily, I am of the variety of people who feels that any temperature over 60 degrees justifies pool time. So bring it on, Scottsdale. Bring it on. Mayor Scottsdale's like, Jesus, what do we do? I'll be vacation snapping the weekend away

Arrow inexplicably pointing To the word pinch of yum That's her Snapchat Is she not allowed to own Snapchat? Yes, her Snapchat Are you not able to link to Snapchat? On her own site? Yeah Maybe New York doesn't let to link to Snapchat? On her own site? Yeah.

Maybe Bjork doesn't let her link to things. Honey. Did you put a hyperlink on our website? So, Squid, are you suggesting that this whole thing is part of some sexual master-slave situation?

I am now. Yeah, write more useless crap. Oh, God. She doesn't like the actual blogging of it, but she likes being ordered to do it. That is very sexy. Completely useless content, and you must spend forever on it.

Well, best fap ever for that. Whatever works for you, I guess. Good for you, Lindsay. So, please tell me you have Snapchat pulls. Alright, cool.

Also, the food looks gross. And I know we're not supposed to mention ingredients, but she's using flour tortillas for enchiladas. Yeah, wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah, flour tortillas. Can you read the last line, Boots, actually? The last line. Where is it?

Go, go, go. Breakfast enchilada powered you! Yeah! The power of enchilada compels you! Just turned into a Super Sentai hero. Alright, so

we're almost ready for dessert. We're just gonna have one more Mexican dish. Achilles, this is the mexican roasted corn and quinoa stuffed squash i mean great yeah great yeah yeah you made nachos that are worse to eat All right. Well, Return of the Squash Part 100. You guys, I adore squash. How is it even a vegetable? It's creamy. No, it's not.

It's creamy. It's crembrous. Squash is creamy. None of this watery, crunchy vegetable stuff. This is smooth, velvety, yellow veggie seduction. You're a food blogger and you're anti-vegetable. So now I'm thinking that maybe Bjork has these sexy words that he wants her to work into. Okay, what do you think his trigger words are?

Like creamy. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. To be fair, that's not a hard thing to pull off in a food blog. Okay. How about watery? She has to use creamy, but like not for something that's not creamy.

Yeah. I also would like to take this opportunity to be super pedantic and point out that squash is not a vegetable, it is a fruit oh that's fun, that's fun it's always fun to do that it's a vegetable

for cooking yes, it's true I'm becoming one of those people, Eyes get wide. What? Somebody who... Somebody who... Lies about squash?

Eats food? I don't... Okay, okay. But there is just nothing that I can't love about those bright yellow and green squash halves loaded with spiced red quinoa, black beans, cheddar cheese, and roasted corn.

Not done yet. That was Bjork. You're not done yet? You keep typing, lady. Topped with green onions for a kick and crema and queso fresco for a creamy finish. This is what healthy food should taste like. Nachos?

Nachos are the only food group. That's the first sensible thing you've said, lady. Oh, God. This one's definitely for Bjork right here. You are still fixated on the weirdness of the skin, aren't you? Okay, okay. I don't know what voice this is anymore. I've lost the plot.

Okay, okay, okay. I just crossed over like yesterday so I completely get it and I'm sorry for being a tiny bit weird. What, she died? She crossed over. But the good news is you don't have to eat the skin

to love this recipe. Hello? Cute little bowl of healthy Mexican that can be scooped out with a spoon? I think so. Click. Click. And for you squash haters who continue to read through my

squash recipe posts even though you wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pull I don't get you but you're sweet for still reading this you're welcome this roasted corn and red quinoa and black bean and cheddar cheese filling is enough to get you happy

dancing around your kitchen with the clock strikes dinner time with or without the squash. And the drinking. Yeah, well. And Bjork over my shoulder. Not endorsing, just saying. A little bit.

I would like to take a quick nanosecond to give a shout out to a co-worker. You're over time. nanosecond to give a shout out to a co-worker. You're over time. Nanosecond done. Sorry, to co-worker. Who gifted me the squash. Yes, you, Laurie. Oh, okay.

I promise her I would put them in my fridge and do something fun with them when we came back from Montana and I never break a squash promise but I do like to tell squash lies except I promise to bring whatever I made to work and that's going to be a little difficult

being that these quinoa stuff squash are all eaten. So she did break a squash promise. Oh, my gosh. I told you I like to tell squash lies. You said you'd never break a squash promise. You told me that. You typed that you would never break a squash promise. Oh, Bjork, I'm a terrible squash girl.

Was that creamy enough? Keep going. But is gifted food the best or what? Especially seasonal produce. If you have some spare produce laying around looking for a good home, I'm now accepting FYI.

You just know panhandling on your blog. How much more do I have to say about squash? Send me potatoes. In the spirit of full disclosure, there's something you should know. I've never been able to fully commit to the quinoa movement.

You know, it's pretenders like you that are really ruining all of our meetings. You know, it's pretenders like you that are really ruining all of our meetings. How are we supposed to enact meaningful social change with people like you fucking everything up? I'm way more about couscous. All the wrong people showed up to our march on Keene, Washington. I just never really liked it that much. Blasphemy, yes. Yeah, you're right.

Because it's the most delicious food in the world. Every time I have quinoa, I go, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm glad this isn't just rice. So you go on about quinoa, but I need you to skip a paragraph because I see something important happening in the next one. Oh, yeah, I had seen an episode with Guy Fieri on the Food Network sometime. Yay! Go on.

This one's for you, Bjork. Sometime during our Montana road trip where he was making some kind of stuffed peppers with red quinoa and I thought to myself, I need to get some of that red quinoa ASAP. Jesus. Primarily.

Also, like, you have no idea what ASAP means because it's A hyphen sap. That's how I refer to myself. I will say, Achilles, you were excited for when she would stop fucking talking about squash. That's true. She is done talking about squash.

That's true. Primarily because it looks more like ground meat, and it makes a better color contrast for my pictures. Oh, because it's about the... Wow, that was a little too revealing. That is her favorite thing is the camera. And just like that, I liked it. Moral of the story,

let's not get carried away. But sometimes quinoa is good. Sometimes. Oh my god. And then it continues. The very last thing she says in the recipe is helpful

advice. Yeah, what's the last thing? Time to go steal the squash out of your neighbor's garden. Happy eating. I think that's legally incitement right there. Speaking of someone who's had squash stolen from my garden, I think that's legally incitement right there.

Speaking of someone who's had squash stolen from my garden. Don't do that. You like it? It's at least trespassing. It was a pumpkin. Pumpkin's a squash. Sorry, I'd like to talk about my beautiful husband real quick. Oh, okay.

Bjork started by scooping the squash out with a filling and eventually caved and ate the squash skin by his own convincing. Um, what? This is the same man who can almost guarantee he had a sausage McMuffin for breakfast

on his way to work this morning. I heart him. I'm eating the skin. I'm eating the skin. I'm eating the skin. That sausage McMuffin is the closest, like the only time he gets to just feel like a normal person. In his car in the parking lot. And eat regular food like a normal person.

What camera did you use to take a picture of it? All right. All right. It's time for dessert. What camera did you use to take a picture of it? Alright It's time for dessert So Scootie We've got two different items we can have for dessert You can choose which one we will be having for dessert Oh good, I love power

Yeah, I know you do So your options are Raw salted chocolate snack bars. Okay. And now the dessert. Or no-bake mini fruit pizzas. Sorry? Sorry? I feel like I just read it.

What do you have? I read about two delicious desserts you get to choose with. One of you both have carob. Well, I like pizza. Okay, well, you're about to not, but here we go. Oh, fuck. All right. That's not a pizza.

That's not a pizza at all. Okay. It's a terrible whoopie pie. That's not a pizza. That's not a pizza at all. Okay. It's a terrible whoopie pie. It's a fruit tart. It's just a fruit tart. It is a tart. Good God. All right.

So tell me about the no-bake mini fruit pizza. God. God. You know, I want to point out there's a jump to recipe option on all of these. Oh, is there? Yeah. And it scrolls forever. I disabled Lindsay and fixed your website.

I don't know why you'd want to. I'm surprised she didn't disable that button. I'm Jay now. I have really mixed feelings about healthy desserts. That being said, today's dessert is a rock star of a raw

dessert that closely resembles our family favorite, fruit pizza. You just never heard of a tart? Her blog said she loves fruit pizza. What does her pizza look like? Let's find out what her pizzas look like. Her fruit pizzas. Well, there's a sweet, there's

one in the sidebar there, sweet chili garlic chicken pizza. It looks like California pizza kitchen, which means shit. There's no sugar cookie crust here. Wah. Wah. I bet Bjork's really into that. But honestly, I'm going to blow your mind. And my own mind right now.

I didn't even miss it. This alternative crust is my new dessert base staple. Okay. All right. All right. All right. Why are you laughing? Nothing.

Am I missing something? No, I actually Boots posted a picture of another one of her fruit pizzas. And it's just a ring of strawberry and kiwi. You know, fruit pizza. It's like pizza doesn't mean anything anymore. This alternative crust is my new dessert based staple. It's raw and full of nutrition and seriously yummy.

Thanks to the dates, almond butter, vanilla, and pecans. I pinky promise would not feed you this idea if it did not taste deliciously deserty. Okay. Yeah.

So with this sweet, soft, chewy crust taken care of, let's fill those little crusts up with some heavenly coconut cream cheese frosting. Lots of weird arrows for reasons I don't understand. And some fresh, bright fruit. And suddenly, things are looking real good for us.

In the raw, nutritious, can't stop, love it so much, healthy dessert department. Healthy. All right. Yeah, okay. Well, I mean. But but like i said mixed feelings no bake mini fruit pizzas can stay but on the other hand i think every obnoxious dessert health vacation that i've ever been involved with has been a complete train wreck if you want a full rundown of some of those epic fails they're all yours.

Eat your heart out. Except, ew. Yeah, it's just some pictures. Can we talk about something semi-related for a minute? That would be how I'm going to keep... Oh, yeah, semi-related. That sounds great. Okay, that sounds like a semi-good idea. That would be how I'm going to keep a container of this coconut cream cheese filling in my fridge for the rest of the summer,

because it's fruit's best friend. And my best friend. And my only friend. You hear that, Bjork? It's like something otherworldly. So when you're making this recipe and you have the crusts chilling in the freezer, because you have room in your freezer. What? And you have your juicy fruit laying right there on the cutting board.

Oh, just laying there completely bare. Yeah, you're sitting in front of the bowl of freshly whipped coconut cream cheese filling. Yeah, you're whipping that cream. Yeah, you're asking yourself if it's okay to dunk your face in it. Yeah, you know that thing that happens when you're cooking. The answer is yes. You most definitely have permission to pre-dessert your dessert with a little appetizer of fruit and coconut cream cheese. By ramming your face in it?

Dip. In quotes. Okay, I've already talk-typed too much today. Hey, really? Dip. In quotes. Okay. I've already talk-typed too much today. Hey, really? No, be who you are. Don't say that. In my mind, I'm capable of writing a short post.

In reality, I have to say everything for 500 paragraphs. Do you? Well, she's self-aware. That's good. I hadn't noticed. That's good. I hadn't noticed. That's good. In addition to meeting people at three very delicious restaurants today for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Because I don't cook.

I have a bunch of things to do before Sunday when we leave for a little getaway with Bjork's family. I can't wait to show you pictures of the place we're staying. It's unreal with lake views and patios galore. Squee! Squee! Okay. So I'm out in like two paragraphs.

Wait, does that mean two more paragraphs? Anyway. So much to prepare. Like, all the snacks. Oh, there's like... To be clear, she said like two paragraphs, which does not mean two paragraphs. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Okay. Bottom line with these no-bake mini fruit pizzas is that they're a great way to enjoy dessert without feeling like you just killed your body with a refined sugar overload. Wait, though. I don't judge regular sugar cookies and powdered sugar frosting pizza eaters at all. You guys. You have to unite.

It's like our favorite food ever. But these non-regular no-bake mini fruit pizzas are where we're at right now. What a weird cult this is. Natural sugar and sweetness and creaminess and yummy crust shells that are mind-consumingly delicious. With lots of feel-good ingredients to make you feel glowy and helpful and awesome. Oh, I can't take it. I can't take it anymore. No, I could stop at any time.

Oh, one last note. Good. Okay. I tried to decorate these with cool fruit patterns, and I basically had a nervous breakdown. Bjork told me to get out of the house. Not joking. He served me with divorce papers. I was completely beside myself

for not being able to slice fruit and arrange it prettily on top with mini-no-bake mini-grapes of ass and tape like why are my fingers being chuggy logs? Like something like oh god, God. Stop.

I can't. I got you. Yeah. I just... I left for a while. Are you guys still talking about mini pizzas? Something like fruit and ginger better left to my

sister. Check out her sister. So the end of this doc is called A Short List of Titles. Boots, would you take that please? Oh sure, yeah. I'd love to.

This would be nice. Foods that we can think about and just think about enjoying. You know, foods. Foods that you eat. Foods that you cook. Yeah, such as bacon, pear, and raspberry grilled cheese. Cauliflower walnut taco meat. Milk chocolate cupcakes with avocado buttercream.

Peanut... No. milk chocolate cupcakes with avocado buttercream peanut no what oh my god peanut butter dark chocolate hummus no oh no hey guys don't click that ok I'm gonna click that

here we go no you can't do that she put it on graham crackers with honey Okay, I'm going to click that. Here we go. No. Oh. You can't do that. She put it on graham crackers with honey. It looks like poo-poo. It looks like baby poo-poo. And it does have chickpeas.

Gross. Triple chocolate party balls. Extra fudgy coconut oil brownies. Five ingredient peanut butter cup nice cream. Machine's breaking down. All right. These are getting worse. Okay.

Ricotta berry French toast casserole. Ah! Just so you know, ricotta is not a type of berry. Carrot cake smoothie bowl. Oh. Okay. Keep it going. Sorry.

Inner goddess raspberry breakfast bowls. Yeah. I remember that one from the eating the placenta episode. Actually, from the picture, it kind of looks like it. Yep. Inner goddess truck. Inner goddess chocolate truffles. Oh.

Goddess curry chicken salad. Green goddess quinoa summer salad. Green goddess detox salad and bacon. Yes. What was that again? Sorry. Green goddess detox salad and vacation pictures. Yeah! You know, most people like the vacation pictures on the side, but I like to just shred them up and put them right in the salad.

So, F+, what did we learn from any of this? We learned things. Wait, what? She's got a section, pinchofyum.com forward slash whyiblog. Yeah, I think we know the answer to that. And actually, you could distill it as iblog2blog. I think teaching needs to be a more respectable career in your nation. It really should be, yeah. It's a problem.

Because, like, I mean, she's, like, her bio, like, there's definitely a uh triumphant um sort of expression of victory that says like you know like i used to teach now i like write endlessly about somebody else's like recipe yay yeah and actually so the recipes are my that's my main question where do you think these recipes come from because like these kind of like boutique recipes i don't do you think that she comes up with all of those i think i think she comes with a lot of them because there's nothing really earth-shaking about it like she's not doing crazy complex flavor profiles this is probably the type of stuff that she eats anyway yeah and so she's she might just be, taking recipes she's familiar with

and just tweaking them a little bit and putting her own spin on them and giving them a funny name or whatever. Well, I think, yeah, that's it. Because it's like, you know, like a mac and cheese, but, like, how could this photograph better? Because that's definitely, like, a huge concern for her is, like, how does this photograph? Because that's one thing they offer is food photography classes that you can sign up.

You can take a Yum team and learn how to take pictures of food. Yeah, I guess. I mean, the thing that sort of throws me about it is this thing that's so emblematic to social media following of just this effusiveusive like breathless you know like yay yay yay it's all so yummy emojis exclamation point like and and it's it's alienating because like because people do that for their brand and yet it doesn't bear any relation to, like, how humans talk to each other. So it's necessarily isolating and frustrating to read. I think it's kind of an internet arms race in a way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Like. Well, it's one of the reasons why I always got, like, really frustrated when, like, the big popular, like, video guys would do, like, the damn dog. Because it's, like, they would just go, dog because they would just go like, what? Help my shelf. Oh, my God. And run around the room and slap themselves. Like, ah, it blows my mind.

Anyway, our website is called thefpl.us. Please like, comment, and subscribe. Please like, comment, and subscribe. And pin it. And pin it, yeah. And our forum is Ball Pit. Join it. You know, make food.

That's fine. You can make food. You can take pictures of food. Fucking share recipes. It's cool. No problem. It's cool. It's awesome.

Yeah, and you can even be this lady. It's all good. I mean. Anyway, bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. You can even be this lady. It's all good. I mean. Anyway, bye-bye. Bye. Hey, it's Lemon. I made another website.

I know, I know. I just made a website back in August. That was badaccent.club, the one where you read silly accents, the game you played with your friends. Okay, I made another website. It's called dumb.men. I launched it, like, just before launching this episode. Okay, look, rather than trying to remember all of these other websites, because there's about a dozen now, I want you to just remember this one, ahoylemon.xyz. That is a website that lists all my other websites.

You bookmark that, go back there every once in a while, you'll probably find a new one. Okay, ahoylemon.xyz, A-H- E, M, O, N dot X, Y, Z. Alternately, if you use GitHub, Ahoy Lemon on GitHub, because I'm already working on my next website.